Amateur Friday – Clone Wife

Posted on December 28, 2012 | by admin

Say you could clone a younger hotter version of your wife? Would you? Better be prepared for the consequences.

Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Romantic comedy
Premise: After watching his marriage implode, a scientist creates a cloned version of his wife, yet gets in trouble when his ex-wife wants to get back together.
Writer: Brett Martin (story by Brett Martin and Ben Liska)
Details: 105 pages

“Clone Wife” is the kind of title you could see pinned on an 80 foot billboard standing above the 405 Freeway. It’s high concept, something that sells itself without having to know anything other than the premise. That’s when a high concept is really doing its job, when just its title or a quick sentence gets you thinking of a million different scene possibilities. And “Clone Wife” had me doing just that, which is a big reason why I chose it.

I also chose it because two independent sources e-mailed me to tell me it was a good script. And whenever you get an independent referral, it’s a good sign. It means someone’s already vetted the screenplay and, without anything in it for them, vouched for it. Of course, now that I think about it, I didn’t know the two people who wrote in and vouched for it. I suppose they could’ve been the writer in disguise. But after reading it, I can see how someone might recommend “Clone Wife.” It FEELS like a screenplay. It SMELLS like a screenplay. It TASTES like a screenplay. There’s something overtly professional about Clone Wife. And yet there’s something missing as well. Ironically, one might argue the script feels like a clone itself. It looks the way a script is supposed to look, but lacks the depth and detail of an original.

The story’s simple enough. 37 year-old Travis Wonders is an inventor/scientist. Instead of a man-cave, he has a lab-cave, complete with little robotic assistants that bear a striking resemblance to the one Iron Man uses. Travis is a hardcore workaholic, putting the bulk of his efforts into cloning, and it’s driven his wife, Renee, crazy, to the point where she’s decided to leave him.

This takes poor Travis by surprise, and the next thing he knows, Renee has left for Japan! Bummed out, Travis goes into a mumblecore-like tailspin, complete with Chinese food take-out containers strewn about and the ubiquitous 3 day old beard. But then one day he wakes up to see that Renee is in his bed. But not just any Renee. A REALLY HOT, YOUNG RENEE! Just like that, things are looking up!

After doing some digging, he realizes that his robotic apprentices cloned a 9-years-younger version of his wife, which would make her only one year removed from when they first met. Which is exactly how she perceives the situation. She believes their relationship has just started, and that it’s actually 9 years ago.

Travis decides to engage in the relationship because…well because the real Renee left him! But that’s about to change as Stig, Renee’s brother, convinces the real Renee to come back and give Travis another shot. Travis quickly finds himself in the precarious position of trying to get his real wife back while staving off the fake one. Or vice versa. Or verse vice-a. It all gets pretty tangly, and however it shakes out, it’s probably not going to be pretty.

Like I said, this FELT like a screenplay, but there were a lot of little problems (and some big problems) that, when added up, hurt the reading experience. Let’s start with the characters. I have a simple equation for a romantic comedy: We gotta like the guy. We gotta like the girl. We gotta want them to get together. If your romantic comedy doesn’t hit those three marks, there’s a good chance it won’t work.

I kind of hated Renee. She was bitchy. She was usually upset. She was a bit of a whiner. Even after she came back to try the marriage again, she immediately gets pissed off. There was never a time where she seemed nice or cool or fun or someone I might actually enjoy being around. Then there was Travis, who comes off as so oblivious and unaware that it was hard to sympathize with him. Renee is telling him she’s moving on and his reaction is, “But what about our dream, Moonbeam?” Why would you break out a cute rhyme when your wife just told you she’s leaving you forever? Yet that’s Travis. He never appears to exhibit any genuine emotion.

So I didn’t like Renee. I didn’t get Travis. Naturally, then, I didn’t care if they got together. And once you don’t care if the leads are getting together in a romantic comedy, what’s the point? It’s like when I accidentally turned into oncoming traffic at the beginning of my first driver’s test. Both myself and the instructor knew he was failing me, but he made me go through the rest of the test anyway. Why instructor? Why??

Then there was the introduction of Clone Renee. I still can’t figure out how she came to exist. From what I understand, Travis’ robots created her. So let me get this straight. Travis has spent HIS ENTIRE LIFE trying to clone something, with his biggest achievement being holding together organic matter for .2 seconds before it exploded. Then a couple of robots are able to clone a woman while he’s sleeping? I always try to get this across: Don’t fudge your major plot points. Major plot points need to make sense! We’ve set up that cloning is impossible. So how do robots do it??

I’m not sure I dug the on-the-nose nature of the script either. Our main character is named “Travis Wonder,” which seemed a little forced. Our villain, Guy, who used to date Renee when she was a prom queen, has since gone on to write a bestselling book called “Marry that Prom Queen.” He spends the plot trying to – you guessed it – marry the former Prom Queen. .

I also felt the humor was scattered and hard to get a handle on. For example, there’s this whole humorous subplot where Clone Renee is confused by all the modern technology (since she still believes it’s 9 years ago). I don’t think a script called “Clone Wife” should deal with characters who are wowed by the future. That’s a different comedy altogether. And then there’s a running “Scarface” joke, even though, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why anything in the story would be affiliated with that movie. Maybe if the story was set in Miami?

If I were Brett, I’d take a step back and remember what we’re after. Romantic comedies, at their core, are character pieces. They’re characters learning about themselves through each other. That means establishing flaws for each character and using the journey to show them overcoming those flaws.

I think Brett’s trying to establish that Travis is a workaholic, a good flaw for a romantic comedy. However, the key scene inside those first 15 pages is Travis driving Renee to their high school reunion only to be told by Renee that the High School Reunion is next month. Besides the weirdness of this scene (why would Renee wait until they got to the high school to tell Travis they’re doing something else?) the purpose of the scene seems to stress more that our main character is forgetful, not a workaholic. So right from the start I had the wrong impression of Travis

Assuming we clear that up, the next step should be Travis trying to reverse the mistake that lost him Renee in the first (being a workaholic). So now, when Clone Renee enters the scene, he should be caring for her, doing things with her, being there for her to a fault. Then Real Renee comes back into the picture to complicate things. That’s what bothered me about Clone Wife. There was no real exploration of the main character’s issues.

It’s so hard for me to say this stuff because Brett definitely put a lot of effort into this. But I think too much of the focus was put on WRITING the story and not TELLING a story. I would try writing this as a character piece and let the comedy emerge from that, as opposed to directly looking for ways to exploit the premise. Let your characters take you places instead of forcing the places upon them, as the story almost always goes to an artificial place in those circumstances. That’d be my advice. What’d you guys think of Clone Wife?

Script link: Clone Wife

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: With Clone Wife, I got the feeling that every little period was scrutinized over. Which can be a good thing. But sometimes it can kill a script in the same way that a speech can be over-rehearsed. If you try to make every little sentence too perfect, too cute, too measured, you lose the naturalism a script needs to read well. So really, after you get your script into perfect shape, consider going back and “dirtying it up” a bit. As counterintuitive as that sounds, some of us over-writers need to do it.

Posted in Amateur Reviews, Romantic Comedy, Uncategorized, Wasn't For Me

Poe_Serling

Per Carson…

“Clone Wife” is the kind of title you could see pinned on an 80 foot billboard standing above the 405 Freeway. It’s high concept, something that sells itself without having to know anything other than the premise.

Totally agree with C on this one. As soon as I scanned down over this week’s list, the AF project immediately caught my eye.

Clone Wife is a 2-for-1 bargain… title/logline all wrapped into one tidy package. Without much mental effort, you can instantly get a sense of the basic premise and potential storyline.

Is that a good or bad thing? … Well, it all depends if the writer(s) can bring home the bacon and maintain the sizzle, too.

Marija ZombiGirl

Sizzling bacon ?? Mmmm ! Sorry, I just woke up, haven’t had breakfast yet…
Haven’t read this script yet, either. Didn’t think it would get posted early.

Poe_Serling

‘ Didn’t think it would get posted early.’

Carson has been sort of a steady Eddie for the last couple of weeks… he’s been feeding the masses right before the Witching Hour (West Coast time).

And how would you figure out the time difference?… well, that involves some apotropaic magic.
MZG time = Lucky number 7 (minus) the weight of 1 clove of garlic (times) the no. of silver bullets to take down an alpha werewolf (divided by) your age reflected backwards in a mirror (plus) the length of your average rabbit’s foot.
Pretty simple stuff, right? :-)

Marija ZombiGirl

“Pretty simple and straightforward stuff, right? :-)”

Oh, absolutely ! Thank you, dear Poe, I wonder why I didn’t think of that myself… From now on, I’ll be right on time every day :-)
http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

Apotropaic? Ok, dictionary time! lol My spell check doesn’t even seem to know it.

http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

ap·o·tro·pa·ic
[ àppətrə páy ik ]
preventing evil: intended to ward off evil or bad luck
Poe is smarter than my spell check program!!
Poe_Serling

Thanks, man… just don’t tell my best friend the Disqus Edit button about the whole Spell Check thing. ;-)

http://twitter.com/jaexhkim jae kim

all through the first half of the script I was so impressed by the writing that all I was thinking while reading was ‘god, I wish I could write like that’.

the problem for me was getting past page 45 or so. I really couldn’t figure out why I was losing interest until Big C explained it up above. I didn’t care about the characters. I was so caught up with the writing, I didn’t notice the absence of exploration of character issues.

A very good lesson for all of us amateurs.
http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

These are perhaps the most constructive suggestions I’ve seen on amateur Friday yet. I feel these all could be productively applied to this high concept within a reasonable time. Maybe this could be one of those cases were the writer utilizes the suggestions and then lets us, and Carson, see how it improved the script. A Scriptshadow before and after project.
Writer451

The action lines had too much detail. Stuff that I didn’t need to know. For example: “One could say that Stig acts like the star of his own movie, but it’s a feel good ensemble and everyone’s invited…” The writer did a good job of having Stig’s personality come through in his dialogue, so the writer didn’t need to come out and say it.

The many references to SCARFACE were not good. This is the third amateur script I’ve seen do that. One script I saw once had a Mexican character who learned English from watching SCARFACE. Sounds funny, but it wasn’t. It came off as desperate. I would suggest being more original.

A Swede who owns an Italian restaurant. Is there a reason he’s Swedish and not Nigerian or Norwegian? It seems random.

There were some unnecessary scenes in the script too. Didn’t need the Schwann’s frozen burrito delivery scene. We already get from the answering machine in the previous scene that Travis hasn’t been leaving the house. The scene where Renee calls from Tokyo didn’t reveal anything relevant or advance the story in any way.

The protagonist didn’t seem very alarmed when he wakes up to find his cloned wife for the first time. I would think he’d be more surprised.

It might help to spend some time developing how smart the robot arms early on. I was kind of surprised when I found out they had a mind of their own just before they accidentally clone the wife.

Citizen M

I think Stig needed to be Swedish so Guy could joke about him being a Swedish chef. I’m not sure what the joke is. I don’t see anything funny in it. Maybe it’s funny to Americans.

Zadora

Like the Swedish Chef on the Muppet Show

http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

I’ve only read a previous draft of this over on Simply Scripts, but I like the script.
Sure, it has its flaws. I think with a few rewrites, he could have something really special here.
Something that isn’t just the same over-played romantic comedy that we always see.
With a few upgrades to character and a little editing, we could see this one sell for some big bucks.

Good luck, Brett!
Wes Mantooth

I think the concept is clever, and holds a lot of promise. And I’ll say up front that the writer is skilled and uses sharp, crisp lines and clever phrasing. But I think the script misfired because it failed to mine the vast potential humor within the premise. Carson said, “We gotta like the guy. We gotta like the girl. We gotta want them to get together. If your romantic comedy doesn’t hit those three marks, there’s a good chance it won’t work.” That’s all true, but even more important than that, the script has to actually be funny. Clone Wife was at times cute, quirky and clever, but it was never funny, IMO. While the writing itself impressed me, I never actually laughed.

Agree with Carson that this script merely scratches the surface of these characters. I never felt I knew who Travis or Renee were as people. But beyond that, a lot of this story just didn’t make sense to me. Travis may be a failure at cloning, but apparently he created the most advanced artificial intelligence on the planet with those mechanical arms. Those things made Doc Ock’s arms in “Spider Man 2″ look like dummies. I mean, those arms created a new life form! So, I had to wonder why Travis was toiling away in his basement if he had invented this level of technology. Also, after Clone Wife showed up, she would instantly see that everyone looks nine years older. Travis hides a lot of the tech stuff in the house, but once Clone wife left the house, I think she would quickly realize something really strange was going on.

Maybe if Travis knew he had to keep the clone in the house it would add some tension to things. Also, it seemed like there should be a few “near miss” scenes when the real Renee comes over to visit Travis and he has to stash the clone somewhere. I think this would build our anticipation for the moment the two Renees actually meet. This is an area where the script really felt lacking…Travis’ conundrum of keeping the two clones apart. Renee shows up from Japan, sees the clone and understandably throws a fit. You could make this so much funnier, IMO, if the real Renee came back into the story sooner. Maybe just have her move into her parent’s house instead of moving all the way to Japan.
tipofthenose

I am also looking for the script. And sorry for my time loop but is it possible to get the “Echo Station” script. Please. tipofthenose@web.de

Cuesta

Send it.

tipofthenose

WOW it worked, I just got out of the loop. Cool, feels like inauguration. I am not just reader anymore. THANKS

Zadora

I’m disappointed that Carson didn’t like CW. I read one of the early drafts of it long time ago and I know Brett has worked really hard on it.

Carson’s comments are great and I’m not one to argue with him. I’m nobody. I am 100% sure though that Brett will take these comments to heart and make CW even better. He’s very dedicated and takes screenwriting seriously.
Malibo Jackk

Hey Brett–
Say a guy wants to clone someone like Angelia Jolie.
I mean, I was just sorta curious…
TGivens

There’s definitely a lot of work behind this script. And it feels like work. Like Carson said it felt forced. Great scripts like American Beauty or Pulp Fiction weren’t written in one day either. But we don’t notice that. Reading Pulp Fiction is always easy and fun. Brett is a talented writer, all he needs is to have some fun with his stories. Just goof around a little bit.
MrTibbsLive

Hey Brett, whatever you do don’t give up on this script. Take all the suggestions that Carson and the rest of the Scriptshadow community offer, let them marinate, and apply the ones you feel valid to your upcoming drafts. Because I really think you’ve got something here. Not just creativity when it comes to writing, but a script that’s high-concept and very marketable. This could be a script that gets you through the door. Best of luck.
Kay Bryen

After reading this, there’s no denying that you’re a talented writer Brett. That alone could land you a gig (or at the very least representation) even if the script doesn’t sell outright. But I know deep down that’s no consolation for a writer, because it’s like when a director tells an actor: “That was marvelous, I love it! Now can you give me another take, but with more intensity this time!” Well then you’re not going to use my “marvelous” take, so you didn’t really “love” it did you?

Personally I didn’t have qualms with things like the restaurant stuff. Problem is, Stig was even more interesting than our protag. Also, Clone Wife just happens to find Mr Charming, and everybody gets a free pass (except Guy, who gets crabs :-) Specifically because this is so high concept and simplistic, I’d have preferred to see it anchored with some gravitas; for example using Renee’s parents to explore how many married couples are essentially “cheating” on their partners with their younger selves, drowning in the spilt milk of what used to be, and what could have been. All the best, and don’t give up on cloning an even better version of this script.
Citizen M

Link for Clone Wife script: http://www.sendspace.com/file/2g3v22

Carson normally posts a link for amateur scripts. He must have forgot it.
Spitgag

I haven’t read this script but seems like a great and very workable premise. Then setup reminds me of one of the all-time greats, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. Like yours that was also about the dramatic tension of one lover knowing something the other doesn’t and trying to “save” the relationship vs most romcoms where lovers must “realize” that they’re right for each other.

One direction might be to take yours more Eternal. He himself invents a younger clone wife but encounters problems and/or realizes for some strong awww reason that he wants his old wife back but shit it’s not so easy. In terms of comedy, he might struggle to keep the two wives from discovering each other while he rights the universe ala Back to the Future. I’m sure this is annoying to you to have me riff off plots so I’ll stop. Sorry.

One piece of advice a seasoned, working writer once told me about writing a romcom which seems obvious but is really helpful if you can force yourself to truly embrace it: Write your movie for women, not men. Seriously pretend they are your only audience. It will help you get out of plot think towards making the ladies love and root for your main man early. The corollary of this is that if chics in the seats have to wait to like your protag, you’re screwed. This seems even more apropos advice for a “save it” premise like yours seems to be.

Good luck with the rewrite. Sounds like you have the skills to get it done.
Malibo Jackk

Haven’t read the script or the coverage but–
the ending should be:

He invents a clone of his younger self. And he and his wife — watch themselves fall in love all over again.

TGivens

That would be an awesome ending!
garrett_h

Awesome idea!
http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

It’s a good idea, and I suggested that to him over a year ago.I still like it.
Spitgag

Or murders everyone with a chainsaw.
ElliotMaguire

Great idea, add Zac Efron as the younger self and you have an opening weekend!

Citizen M

I agree with Carson. It’s a good concept and well written but doesn’t quite come together. Tonally, it seemed to fall somewhere between romantic comedy, romantic drama, and farce. Stig and the Sousettes, the “mad scientist” basement, and Guy’s shellfish allergy were all kind of farcical, and didn’t blend well with the more romantic aspects.

According to the logline, Travis “gets in trouble when his ex-wife wants to get back together.” Firstly, I never saw why she wanted to get back together with him. He’s been down in his basement ignoring her for ten years, plus he’s a total nerd while she’s some sort of corporate femme. Also, it implies that she’s a driving force in the script, but she basically just reacts to circumstances rather than pushing the story forward.

Perhaps for your next rewrite you could judge whether each scene is serving the logline (either this one or a revised one).

Some detailed notes:

p. 1 – My picture Eli and Emma was of two sets of mechanical arms inside a phone booth, but that was obviously wrong. You are allowed to write longer paragraphs when describing a scene for the first time. I know Carson recommends 2- or 3-line action paragraphs and you commendably never went over two lines, but as Einstein says, things “should be as simple as possible, but no simpler.” You over-simplified the description of the basement.

p. 3 – A pocket protector. Are they still funny?

p. 3 – “WADE REID, 35, a proverbial round peg in square casual wear,” It sounds clever but I don’t know what it means. Also, I never “got” Wade. He’s an enemy, then he’s a friend. He’s uptight, then he’s screaming like a schoolgirl at the book launch. He didn’t seem to be a consistent character.

p. 6 – “Guy sounds like ‘sea’”. “rhymes with ‘sea’” would be better. Also on p. 57.

p. 7 – “GUY, 37, square jaw swagger”. This was confusing. It’s written like a character introduction, but it’s a photo on a book cover. It might just be an unfortunate page break, but I think say something like “The cover shows Guy…” and save the caps for when we meet Guy for real.

p. 11 – “RENEE: This me would’ve been…” Is she talking to herself or shouting at Travis through the closed door? Clarify.

p. 14 – “Travis nails his cell to a support beam.” Why on earth would he do such a crazy thing?

p. 21 – Renee in a Tokyo restaurant fights with a live octopus wielding chopsticks like katanas. Seriously? I mean, it’s funny, but does it belong here or in a Spongebob Squarepants episode?

p. 25 – Nightmare sequence. I hate dreams at the best of times, but if writers like them I suppose we have to put up with them. However, they should throw light on the problems the character is wrestling with. I don’t see what this sequence is designed to show.

p. 37 – Would a nerdy prof. have a cool car like El Matador, a V-8 coupe?

p. 41 – Wedding band for Clone Wife. Good setup and payoff.

p. 53 – Smashing a jello heart doesn’t say “love power”, it says “broken heart”. I don’t get this. Guy writes a book called Marry That Prom Queen which is wildly popular despite never having married a prom queen. Why isn’t he derided as a fake?

Suggestion: Have Guy marry the prom queen from a rival school. Renee marries Travis on the rebound. Then rival prom queen dies and Guy writes book as a tribute to her, the “Awww, shame” factor adding to its popularity. Renee’s mother Astrid always fancied him for a son-in-law and schemes to get them together now he’s back on the marriage market.

p. 58 – The Guy poncho is such a funny thing you should try and work it into the finale somehow.

p. 65 – Prawns are water creatures. They can’t scurry around like giant cockroaches. Besides which, I don’t understand why Stig is so antagonistic towards Guy.

p. 74 – Why does Renee look sick and vomit? Is it morning sickness?

I made a note at this point: Do I want to know what happens next? No. I’m just not invested in these characters.

p. 79 – “CLONE WIFE: Travis made a creepy old clone of me.” Nice twist, that the clone thinks she’s the original. You could make more of this.

p. 91 – Four thousand people at a book launch. I bet Carson was envious. You probably don’t get four thousand people at the launch of the new iPhone.

p. 102 – “Renee looks at him with that same glowing love…” I honestly don’t know what Renee sees in him. Maybe she’s a science geek who reads “Scientific American” and finds her new colleagues shallow, or somehow other guys don’t measure up to Travis, but what has he done to earn her love?

p. 103 – Mr Charming would probably call himself a “naval architect” rather than a nautical engineer.

I don’t like being so negative because this is a polished piece of work and obviously a lot of care has gone into it. Maybe the writer needs to step back from the script for a while and get a fresh perspective on it.

Citizen M

Re: the prawns. I think you have ‘allergy’ and ‘phobia’ mixed up. A shellfish allergy means shellfish are poisonous to him. A shellfish phobia means shellfish terrify him. I have never heard of a shellfish phobia.

Mac

Ostraconophobia is the fear of shellfish.

Citizen M

That’s a new one. If you have sesquipedaliophobia (a fear of big words) as well, you are truly f#cked.

cjob3

Yeah, I love the premise but the name Travis Wonders was my first red flag. Pretty cheesy name for an inventor.

I hope this gets reworked though. I’m a fan of “Multiplicity” and I was always curious about the never-produced Chris Columbus clone comedy “More.”
ernstdegeer

[x] wasn’t for me.

Definitely agree with Carson on most accounts when it comes to this script.

Concept was strong. Writing was good but sometimes felt overdone. Especially considering the tone of the script itself, which was kind of not very serious.

For me the tone was probably the biggest problem, I didn’t know what this script was. It just wasn’t enough of a comedy to be a comedy. I mean I actually found parts of it really funny, but more drama-funny than comedy-funny, if you catch my drift. The plot sometimes felt more like a family film, but the comedy was sometimes pretty adult and black.

And the part with the octupus wielding chop-sticks as katanas was just way too much.

I guess I wished the script would just go all out one of the directions. Either the romantic comedy route, though I’m not that interested in that myself, or the black comedy, more dramatic Eternal Sunshine-route that another poster suggested.

Also totally agree with other posters on the making of the clone. It just seems easier if he’s himself more involved in the process. I also think you could speed up the part between Renee leaving Travis and the making of the clone. With the title we kind of know it’s going to happen, so there’s really no tension.

Either way, good luck! Some good suggestions in the other comments.
NYANGL23

Malilbo Jackk I like your story idea. I want to read that script and see that movie. I never felt myself rooting for Travis at all. He needs more of a personality. Why does renee want him back he is boring.
Hugh Hoyland

I actually enjoy the story as it has a sort of those 80′s off hand comedies vibe to it. (Weird Science comes to mind sort of). With some tweeking I think this could really come together as a solid script with a clever premise.
Others have covered this but I think comedy is a tough thing to pull of both in writing and in acting. What someone finds funny as heck, someone else may find “stupid” or not funny at all. Maybe thats something the writer should keep in mind.
Either way I agree that its well writen and makes for an easy read.
susanrichards

I didn’t have as many problems with this script as others on here have. I think that the writing was very good, and the concept was original and something I’d want to read.
My problem with this script was connecting with the characters. I’m so tired of seeing the wife being apethetic and bitchy, as if a failed marriage is because women lose interest. Relationships fail cos people stop connecting…usually cos they stop communicating, for whatever reason. Even fighting is communicating.

If Travis was a workaholic, then maybe show Renee bringing him a snack and him not eating it, or show him in the same scuzzy clothes and her trying to clean him up…

Show the reason for disconnecting.

If we see them care for each other, then we know there is love, then we wanna see them reconnect.
ChinaSplash2

The ‘science’ here is piffle. But I don’t think it really matters because — unlike yesterday’s Echo Station, where the writers’ scientific and technological illiteracy was, for me, an insurmountable barrier — this is just a wacky romcom.

I think a much bigger problem with this script is the wacky part. The characters — even the dog — are so broad and ungrounded that it’s impossible to believe they’re real, never mind care about them. I also wonder if it was a good idea to exploit this concept in a romcom. A ‘cloned’ wife is a great hook, but would it work better as a straight comedy? Something like The Man With Two Brains perhaps?
Montana Gillis

Brett, you nailed the hardest part… The Concept! Now take the excellent feedback offered here and tackle your next draft. Congrats on being a good writer. Time to focus on storytelling and making us care about the people in your script.
GraemeMcPhail

I read this and Echo Station this week. I really enjoyed reading this but agree that the wife fall short of actually wanting to root for them to get back together – she seems to be a hassle for him all the time!

Still, very promising talent this writer has.
Poe_Serling

Speaking of cloning…

My recommendation for an excellent cinematic experience on the subject: The Boys of Brazil.

Plus, it meets all of Carson’s personal ingredients for a topnotch thriller: Nazis, tense storytelling, Nazis, visually exciting, Nazis, great character development, Nazis, etc.

The Boys of Brazil: ‘A Nazi hunter in Paraguay discovers a sinister and bizarre plot to rekindle the Third Reich.’

Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner… you may remember him from such hit films as Patton, Planet of the Apes, and so forth. It’s also based on the novel by Ira ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ Levin.

What makes this film really crackle is the two leads: Gregory Peck and Laurence Olivier.

Peck really tears it up as the heavy in this one… it’s a long, long way from his Academy Award winning role in To Kill A Mockingbird. And, of course, Olivier is Olivier… he received a Best Actor nomination for his performance, but eventually lost to Jon Voight for Coming Home.

Iconic moment: Laurence Olivier driving around rural Pennsylvania (my old stomping grounds) in a Ford Pinto.
rosemary

I haven’t read the script but if it wasnt for you then probably wont be for me. The moment i saw clone wife on the top i already knew lol
Malibo Jackk

Where did you read the earlier draft?

DanB

Simplyscripts.com . Brett is an active member on those boards and seems to have done well over there. Trust me, there’s enough traction to keep most satisfied.

Malibo Jackk

Thanks DanB.

CKirich

I’m not a fan of roncom scripts in because the humor has to hit me in the face. But the concept pulled me it. Just using the word “clone” had me interested. The problem is that half way through it, enough was enough. In a romcom you have to love or hate characters, I didn’t know enough about any of them to be involved. The writing was top shelf, and that again takes away from the comedy aspect. Speaking of comedy, I really didn’t find anything really funny in the first half. You would think that there would be some hard hitting funny scenes 45 minutes
into a comedy. So this unfortunately wasn’t for me, great concept and writing.
But lacked characters and humor.
Poe_Serling

Four Sided Triangle sounds like a film that I’d definitely search out and toss in the ol’ DVD player some evening. I’m a big fan of director Terence Fisher… the go to guy at
Hammer in its heyday.
http://www.facebook.com/john.bradley.71066 John Bradley

I like ideas that cross genres…This idea combines both Sci-Fi and Rom-Com. There are several jokes that just write themselves, such as the wife being jealous of herself! This idea has a ton of commercial potential!
DanB

And let’s not forget his enthusiasm to help other people out…

carsonreeves1

Brett seems like a really cool nice guy. I’m hoping he kicks ass on any rewrites he does of Clone Wife and anything he does in the future. :)

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UXZGWHUNGPUO27HD6UXSOMCMCQ Tor H

While it does need another polish, I thought this was fairly charming. The Scarface thing was explained (and humorously, at that). “Moonbeam” was Travis’ pet name for Renee. I never really got a handle on the robotic arms, myself.
I could totally see this as a movie, myself…and I would see it.
Malibo Jackk

Thanks Ledbetter.
Malibo Jackk

Something Poe said jarred a memory.

Heard about a man who lost a daughter. 13. Struck by a Ford Pinto in the street. The short story — he was told- no chance of recovery. Classified brain dead.

Before they turned off life support — they approached him. It wasn’t the other way around. These people don’t use real names. But if his wife was willing… They said it would work like: in vitro fertilisation.

And it was a natural birth. People said how much she resembled her… sister. How much she acted like her sister had acted.

This strange fascination with knives.

Her dead sister had it. Came about normally enough. Watched a knife throwing act once on television. When the neighborhood kids decided to put on a circus, she borrowed some kitchen knives and threw them at a target.

But now this other girl, she had never been or even seen a circus. And yet… she knew every knife in the house.

And there were other signs. Signs of troubling behavior. She was careless. Careless about playing in the street.

And the signs grew worse as she grew older. She would wander into the street. Her parents were terrified. Terrified even more so when she turned 13.

Well. I don’t need to tell you what happened. Thirteen years to the exact day.
Hit by a car? The same model as before? No. No. That’s not what happened. Nothing like that.

This fascination with knives…
They say you should never clone the brain dead.
Malibo Jackk

There’s a clip on Youtube called ‘sex with female clone of wife.’
Not sure what (TV) movie it’s from.

Wes Mantooth

That’s a 2001 episode of The Outer Limits called “Replica.” It stars Sherilynn Fenn and it’s about a scientist whose wife has some kind of accident, goes into a coma and is expected to die, so he creates a clone version of her. Problem is, the original wife wakes up from the coma…and hijinks ensue ;). I think given the subject matter, the story benefits from being straight-up sci-fi drama. The clone knows she’s a clone and wants the original version of herself to die.

DD

Don’t know about anybody else, but the script felt too cliche and for some reason, a huge rehash of “Back To the Future”.

It was too predictable and not enough laugh out loud moments. However, I did love the scenes with the robot hands- those made me smile. After awhile, the clone dogs became annoying. Guy wasn’t likeable enough either to justify the reason why Renee should get back together with him- just because he’s rich? You have more reasons than that to not leave your workaholic husband.

There is potential for this script but I see this movie being released on cable than in theaters.