Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Buddy cop/Action
Premise (from writer): A maimed EOD Technician turned L.A.P.D. detective must work with a troubled young cop in order to bring down a team of cyber terrorists masquerading as Pharmacy thieves.
Why You Should Read (from writers): Do you wish TRUE DETECTIVE was still airing on HBO? Do you fondly remember the end of the 80′s and the little gem that was Lethal Weapon? Do you crave the perfect blend of action, plot, characters, and jokes? Of course you do!
“Down to the Wire” is a 21st century take on the genre, set to revive your hopes and trigger your nostalgia. This script has been polished with a particular focus on lean, realistic dialogue. The pacing is brisk, the jokes land, and the characters are fleshed out. One of the authors recently placed in the top 15 of the Sheldon Turner Writers Store Contest. Thanks for your consideration!
Writers: Byron Burton & Chris Mulligan Murray
Details: 113 pages

1396627473030-XXX-DC-Franco-Meester-O-130870-0068James Franco for Boots?

I want to talk a little bit about loglines before we get started. Loglines are tricky. First of all, a logline’s quality is limited to the story it’s summarizing. If your concept isn’t compelling enough, nothing you do with the logline will work.

With that said, not every story is “logline friendly.” There are some concepts that are perfect for the logline universe, like Liar Liar. And there are others that aren’t, like Dallas Buyers Club. Sometimes, the concept is so un-logline-friendly that your only shot at creating an interesting logline is to highlight the most unique aspects of your story and slap a summary around them.

The thing is, you want to avoid that if at all possible. One of the biggest contributors to logline confusion is irrelevant details, which is kind of what I’m seeing here.  A “maimed EOD Technician” for example. How does that connect to two cops “bringing down a team of cyber terrorists masquerading as pharmacy thieves?” Whether he’s a maimed bomb technician or not doesn’t seem to matter in this particular case.

Now if you said a “maimed EOD Technician turned cop” had to take down “a group of local terrorists using car bombs to wreak terror,” there’d be a connection. Or if you said an “old school cop who shuns technology” had to take down a group of “cyber terrorists,” there’d be a connection. Or if you said an “ex-junkie pharmaceutical rep turned cop” had to take down “a group of cyber-terrorists masquerading as pharmacy thieves,” there’d be a connection.

But I don’t see how being in Afghanistan as an EOD tech has any connection to a case about pharmaceuticals. So something feels off about the setup. I’m not saying it can’t work. Maybe this just needs more room to explain. But it did make me worried. Let’s see if I’m getting all bent out of shape over nothing.

“Down to the Wire” follows Travis Boots, a former bomb tech in Afghanistan. Think Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker. After a bomb kills a local girl and six other soldiers, Boots is sent back home with a prosthetic foot and the knowledge that he has a brain aneurysm that could burst at any moment. I guess that makes Boots a walking time bomb.

Strangely enough, this gives Boots a carefree attitude that he takes all the way to the local police force. It’s there where he teams up with Joe Durmont, an alcoholic cop with very little initiative. Boots instills a brash unorthodox approach to their crime-fighting ways and pretty soon, they’re getting into all sorts of trouble.

Eventually, they make their way onto the hot case in the city. A team of thieves have been hitting pharmacies all over town, stealing thousands of dollars worth of pills. A charged up Boots believes that a recent overdose at the hospital is tied to the case and pursues the potential suspect.

But just when they have him in their grasp, he’s shot and killed by a sniper from afar, letting the two know that this case goes deeper than they suspected. They eventually catch up with the crew responsible and learn that the pills are a front – that the real crime is the customer database at all these pharmacies. But by that time, it’s too late. The baddies have caught Boots and Joe with plans of killing them. Will the duo make it out alive? Or will they be taking the world’s strongest sleeping pill?

I can see why “Wire” was picked. A lot of you read the first scene to see if the writer has chops and this has a very strong first scene. We’re in a war zone. There’s a bomb ticking away. There’s a little girl in the middle of it. A huge decision needs to be made: kill the girl or keep trying to defuse the bomb. It’s an intense harrowing opening. Kudos to Byron and Chris for writing it!

The thing is, after that scene, my fears were realized. I couldn’t figure out why it was so important for our main character to have previously been a bomb technician in Afghanistan. What did it have to do with any part of the story? He ended up with a prosthetic foot, but that didn’t come into play at all. He had a brain aneurysm, but that didn’t seem to come from the bomb incident. So why was he a bomb tech? Why was he a soldier at all?

If your main character has an extensive backstory, it has to play into the story somehow. For example, if I wrote Gravity, I wouldn’t give Sandra Bullock a long botany backstory. I suppose there’s some interesting juxtaposition between gardening and space shuttle repair, but because it doesn’t play into the story (in either a direct or ironic way), I wouldn’t use it. And that’s how I felt here.

I was also hoping for a lot more from the pharmaceutical storyline. My big worry going in was that stealing pills was going to be too small. There’s something almost impotent about it. I mean, when the bad guys rob a bank in a movie, they’re stealing everybody else’s hard-earned money. That’s why we get so mad. When these guys steal pills, all I thought was, “Well, they’ll just send more pills.” The pharmaceutical companies are billion dollar businesses. Who cares if they lose 10 grand worth of Adderall?

I wanted the pills to lead to something bigger early on, which would lead to something bigger, and eventually bigger. Instead, we find out at the end that the pills were a front for stealing personal information. Again, that’s a really tiny reveal. From my understanding, the thieves hit 6 pharmacies. Let’s say in each of those pharmacy computers there were 5000 names. So these people now have the personal information of 30,000 people. That doesn’t scare me at night. That sounds like the kind of thing that would be straightened out in a few days. Plus, I don’t know who these people are, so why should I care about them?

Basically, this comes down to a lack of stakes. They aren’t big enough. Not only did the pharmaceutical robberies feel low-priority for a typical Los Angeles police department, but I wasn’t sure what Boots and Joe got out of solving the case. Joe had just gotten a promotion. So it’s not like this was going to get him anything more. And Boots didn’t seem to have anything he wanted. He was just doing this because. I think in real life, that makes sense. You do something because it’s your job. But in the movie-world, audiences want to know why this case is so important to you because it’s the case they’re spending 2 hours of their life watching.

I like that Byron and Chris tried to do something with their characters. Boots could die at any moment, so he was a little unorthodox and crazy. And Joe was an alcoholic with a dementia-ridden mother (though I found it strange that his mom was 55 years older than him). The thing is, I felt like we could’ve done more. If Byron really could die at any second, then you have to go crazy with him. You have to have unbridled no-holds-barred fun with him. As of now, he’s operating at 70%. And we’ve seen the alcoholism and dementia-mother thing before. I read that stuff all the time in screenplays. You have to find something unique to each character. You can’t just copy and paste stuff from other characters you’ve seen and expect it to work.

If I were Byron and Chris, I’d think BIGGER. BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER. This is the MOVIES! When you’re thinking about the problem that would challenge your protagonist cops, you want it to be the kind of problem that would be on the FRONT PAGE of the newspaper for a week straight. I see pharmacy robberies being buried somewhere on page 5 or 6. Now if the pharmacy robberies escalated quickly and the bad guys’ plan kept getting bigger and bigger every 20 pages, that’s a different story. I’d love to see that. But that didn’t happen here.

I know Byron is a hard working writer who’s really in to getting better. So help him out. Read “Wire,” and give him some constructive criticism. I’m sure you guys can think of some ways to beef up the story. Good luck to Byron and Chris and thanks for letting me read your script!

Screenplay link: Down To The Wire

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

Number of times I checked the internet: 14

What I learned: Plot ingenuity. When you’re talking about an age-old genre, plot ingenuity becomes key. You’re already dealing with a generic setup (two cops forced together on a case), so a generic execution is a death sentence for your screenplay. That was one of the problems here. The execution was by-the-numbers. There weren’t any surprises until the very end. You have to take some chances and play around with the plot in these scenarios or else your script is going to look like every other cookie-cutter buddy cop procedural (or whatever genre it is you’re writing). Twists, turns, escalations, reversals, surprises, unique scenarios, imagination. Do more with the plot!

  • sotiris5000

    Shame on you Carson. The clear winner of the vote last week was Breaking The Chain, yet you went for a different script.

    Why even bother pretending to put things ‘up for the vote’ when you just pick whichever script you feel like reading?

    I feel you have lost a lot of integrity with this choice. You moan about amateur scripts feeling generic and unoriginal, yet when it comes to picking scripts for review, you ignore the ones that are clearly original. Why?

    This post is in no way a dig at Byron and Chris’s work, which I haven’t read. Sorry if this is a distraction. I’m a big fan of scriptshadow and I feel a little let down by this.

    • Paul Clarke

      I believe Carson has explained before that the votes of regular reviewers are more heavily weighted. To prevent writers getting their family and friend to log on and up vote their script (it’s happened). I didn’t total the votes but with a close race and 400+ comments I wouldn’t be surprised if Breaking the Chain got a go another day.

      • carsonreeves1

        That’s exactly it. In the past there have been a lot of drive-by voters voting for things and it’s hard to trust those. A lot of the people I know well voted for Down to the Wire. But Chain might still get a shot. I don’t have a script yet for next week’s slot.

        • Abdul Fataki

          God damn it, you ruined my strategy to get in!!!

        • sotiris5000

          Thanks for the replies Carson and Paul. That seems fair enough. I understand how people might game the system but since it was such a clear favorite another shot would be very welcome.

        • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

          Checked the internet… Is that code for looking at your watch? lol

          But seriously, I think something that measures how engaged someone got while reading is great knowledge to possess.

          Did the read fly by? Was it so intense that I forgot I was in my house and my coffee got cold because everything outside this script was left forgotten because I was warped into another world and not returned to my planet until the last page?

          Or was it hard to get into that not only did my coffee not get cold, but I got up for five, six, seven refills, checked the watch three times, had to take a break, and found myself moaning, wishing the torment would end?

          Or somewhere in between. So I say keep it in for now. It’s just as important as telling a reader where you would have put the script down and moved onto something else and why.

        • Poe_Serling

          ” I don’t have a script yet for next week’s slot.”

          Hey Carson-

          Is Black Autumn still in the running for a AF slot? I’m pretty sure it was the clear-cut winner of the May 17 AOW.

          • Bluedust

            I can understand Carson not wanting to review the same writer two weeks in a row, especially two scripts of the same genre. Hopefully he’ll find a space for Black Autumn somewhere down the line.

          • ElectricDreamer

            Carson confirmed in a recent reply that he will give BA an AF review.
            Perhaps even next Thursday as part of a doubleheader.

        • BSBurton

          Thanks for the review and I appreciate the thought and notes. i’m adding them to the new draft which is mid-way complete.

    • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

      It wasn’t as clear as you make it. There were over 400 comments. You’d have to sift through all of them to really get a clear number. While I believe BTC did have more votes, it’s not always that easy to determine. And if feels like a tie, you pick the one you’d rather read.

      If you look at the first lot of comments, seems like Down to the Wire wins by a landslide. It’s not until you really dig in deep that you realize that BTC had more votes (how many, who knows). Easy mistake to make, so cut the guy some slack :) as you’re passing judgment not really knowing if he’s guilty of what you’re accusing him of or not.

      But I bet BTC will be reviewed next Friday, and wish the writer luck, as he has a lot of supporters, which you don’t see too often, which I think is pretty awesome!

      • sotiris5000

        Hi Rick. Your point is valid. My comment was made in a larger context though – I have noticed Carson tends to pick genre-heavy, mainstream scripts over more cerebral / offbeat stuff. And when I clicked on the post today I thought, ‘oh, he’s done it again.’ I guess it makes sense to pick the mainstream stuff. It’s just that if you do that, you shouldn’t really be surprised when it turns out unoriginal. Anyway, I don’t really want this to derail what should be a comments section about Down To The Wire. Hopefully Breaking The Chain will get its chance another day.

    • Franchise Blueprints

      Linkthis83 brought up this point before. Scriptshadow’s AOW slots and AF selection is entirely Carson’s prerogative. Anytime a newcomer author goes against an long time board member the voting is skewered. Regular board members complain that one time voters unfairly voted on a script at the same time forgetting Carson gives regular members a higher priority when tallying the votes. Any type of contest should have a high level of transparency and impartiality. In no other contest does the second runner up get to share in the limelight of the grand prize winner. No disrespect but giving Bifferspice an AF selection based on being a well liked board member doesn’t wash. Basically whoever won from the last AOW batch has to further wait because a regular deserves his chance. What’s the point of participating if the rig is already in. If AF is to have any importance to those higher ups in the industry quit watering it down when a regular board member doesn’t win fair and square.

      • Linkthis83

        “Linkthis83 brought up this point before. Scriptshadow’s AOW slots and AF selection is entirely Carson’s prerogative.”

        I’m not sure what you are referencing here.

        In regards to the rest of your post, I would certainly endorse any script that is as supported as the winner to get reviewed. It’s not like the five chosen each week are the five who have made it through multiple rounds and we are getting the top 5. We are getting a random set of 5. So like in this case, if BTC had showed up in a different week, it most likely would’ve gotten my vote. Which I mentioned in the comments section of AOW.

        I don’t think regular board members should get automatic slots for AF. I do HOPE they get AOW’s though. It’s hard not to root for people you converse with often.

        And the thing about script contests is that with such subjective material, there is rarely one clear winner. Even though grendl would say differently for this last AOW. Which I understand why he would and believe he has every right to do so. And I love that he’s doing it. I’d do the same damn thing he is doing if I believed in a script/story that much.

        • Franchise Blueprints

          I’m referencing a previous post you made. You basically said it’s still Carson’s choice when it comes to ranking a script whether he likes it or not.

          Actually its not that random for the AOW selection. Ms. Carson chimed in one post that she chooses the scripts. So its not really a queue of waiting your turn to be selected.

          Let’s just say for instance Carson ranks Breaking The Chain [x]not for me. What’s next? Does he have an automatic future AOW slot to earn [x]worth the read or better.

          My point is favoritism is beginning to rear its head. A lot of other script forums have faded in importance because of exclusive club mentality. I’m sure scriptshadow will survive on just the regular board members. But will it thrive if outsiders don’t feel they have a fair shot at gaining some recognition.

          • Linkthis83

            Yes. I thought you were referencing which AF script is chosen, not its rating. I definitely believe that about the rating.

            In regards to BTC, it should get a shot because it earned it based on AOW comments section. I don’t feel anybody showed any favortism either way. I mean, BTC got its AOW shot because of the support when he posted it in a comments section of an article. It got a real shot based on the quality of the script. And regulars supported it.

            I truly believe that the majority of us just want to read a solid spec script. If that script is provided by a known, versus an unknown, isn’t really going to matter.

          • Franchise Blueprints

            I truly believe that the majority of us just want to read a solid spec
            script. If that script is provided by a known, versus an unknown, isn’t
            really going to matter.

            I support that statement 100%.

      • sotiris5000

        Hey man. At no point did I say Biffer should get the slot because he is a well-liked board member. I don’t have a clue if he even is or not. The point is lots of people read his script last week and determined it was the best of the bunch. He was there on merit.

    • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

      Hey Sotiris, sorry you feel bummed. I think between our script and Breaking, there were almost 500 comments. That’s the most interaction for one of these type of posts ever. Hopefully both scripts get their time.

    • BSBurton

      Sorry you’re bummed but I wanted to say hey. I’m curious ( i don’t post often) but are you male or female?

      When
      i see your name i think of mirina sitiris or however she spells it from
      star trek the next generation. It’s random but I was just curious. lol.

      • Ange Neale

        Marina Sirtis.

      • astranger2

        She played Riker’s love interest on the show. She’s been making the Comic con tours lately. Are you a fan? ; )

        • BSBurton

          She was good on the show! I saw her in person last weekend, didn’t speak. I liked her in “Gargoyles” too. Fun show.

  • Scott Crawford

    Carson, I’d drop this whole “How many times I checked the internet” thing. True or not, it doesn’t make you look professional.

    • carsonreeves1

      I think it’ll probably get dropped at some point out of me forgetting.

      • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

        I still think you should add that one little box between “wasn’t for me” and “worth the read.”

        Because there are those scripts that are really “not for you” and then there are those scripts that “are for you”, that you liked (or saw potential for liking), it’s just not ready for the marketplace. But with a little work, you could see it as a movie. Or something like that. Because it seems that you have liked some, but are forced to write “not for me” because there isn’t a better box in between the two.

        Just a suggestion. It may also help others who come onto the site looking for material or writers to see, hey, this script has potential, maybe it’s worth reading and hiring these guys for something. Not sure of the likelihood. But you never know.

        But I agree (as a lot of people did) about the opening scene. I read a first draft and gave notes, and if I remember right back to three or four months ago, I voiced some of the same concerns, though you didn’t get too into detail about other aspects of the story, I started reading the beginning and saw the same things that didn’t work for me the first time still in the script, so I didn’t continue reading.

        But I’ve always liked buddy movies, which are a dying breed, which I would love to see come back (which we’ve had our moments the last couple years, like 2 Guns, and maybe even Safe House to a degree) so I think it’s worth digging into and making right. With the right set up, it could work. Make the stakes higher as Carson said. Make the crime bigger, which makes the pay off of murder and double cross worth the crime, vs double crossing and killing people over a couple social security numbers. It’s like, the money that would be so small, why not just pay the guys their 2 grand each (which is probably all that would be worth) and move on? (Just basing this on what I re-read in this draft). My other notes may or may not apply, depending on what you changed or didn’t change later on in the script.

        And I think Breaking the Chain should get its shot next Friday, because you don’t usually find such a huge response to a script by people, fighting for its day in the sun like this script (which I still haven’t read)… So it feels fair, giving your readers want they want ;) or a vast majority of them.

      • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

        Re: my response below:

        Maybe a [ ] Worth The Read, But Needs Work?

        Maybe other people have a better suggestion for that in between box, but I think it’s needed.

        I was thinking about Byron and Chris’s script, and it was worth reading, but it wasn’t for me, if that makes sense. So something that better assesses a readers grade if someone chooses to only look at the grade, vs, read the entire review, where if they did, they would realize that it was actually something you liked, it just wasn’t there yet.

        • Linkthis83

          Rick, I’ve been throwing around a “[x] Worth the read, wasn’t for me” suggestion for awhile now.

          Especially because some scripts are done really well and it ultimately comes down to Carson not liking the story. To me that immediately removes the quality factor from the script. A script can still be a great script and not receive Carson’s endorsement. So I support you :)

        • kenglo

          So I was thinkin’….*uh oh*

          Are these akin to pass/consider/recommend/ because there are scripts we read here, amateur or otherwise, that I have no interest in reading at all, either based on premise or whatever. (Just finished CAKE, it was not my cup of tea, but something about it kept me going! Great writing!)

          Are we to assume [ ] Not for me to mean, ‘pass’ and [ ] worth the read to mean ‘consider’ and [ ] impressive to mean ‘recommend’? [ ] genius is of course “I can’t wait to see this mo’fo’!”

          I say this because there shouldn’t be a [ ] worth the read but needs work. If it’s on the cusp of greatness, worth the read. If it’s something that needs work, it would get a pass or not for me….is that correct?

          I think Carson is using the same formula here, the fact that a lot of people read a script and they all like it, that would be a ‘consider’. Should we, in the SS community, look at the script in a pass/consider/recommend scale? Would we, in the community, make a movie from the AOW? Like BTC, would I go watch that? The subject did not keep me involved. Reminds me of ROUNDERS. Therefore, without reading the whole thing, I would not be able to tell you if it was great or not. That one GLASS ON GOLDEN POND/CLOCKWORK or whatever it was, sounded like an interesting story, but to sit and read the whole thing? And then to ‘recommend’ it for AOW?

          We should be looking for that diamond in the rough, that gem of a script that we all unanimously say, “Damn, you gotta read this!!” and then Carson takes it to whomever and BOOM, Scriptshadow Productions presents two years from now. Then we as a community can say, hey, we helped get that made! Don’t forget the little guy!!

          Like working for an Internet company back in the day and saying, “Hmmmm……..how do we change this IP address so we can make it easier for people to surf the web? Ah-Ha! DNS!!”

          Or something like that…rambling…..lol

          • IgorWasTaken

            You make a number of good points. Yet, while part of what Carson is doing is promoting good/great scripts, a major part of this site also involves people learning about writing – even from not-good scripts.

            After all, if this place were just about promoting good, producer-worthy scripts, why should Carson post reviews of any amateur script that is not good? Especially, amateur scripts that aren’t even close to being worth a read by a producer. IOW, if he reads an AOW script and it stinks, why even write a detailed review and post it?

            Scripts that are not “worth the read” from a producer’s standpoint may still be worth the read from the standpoint of a writer trying to learn what makes a script good – or not good.

            Like, a script that has a great ACT I and ACT III, but major problems with ACT II. Since ACT II is infamous for being a tricky thing to nail, if Carson could make a clear case for what would fix ACT II in an amateur script, that could well make that script well worth the read for all of us amateurs here.

          • kenglo

            Yeah, that’s kinda why I stopped rambling, because this site, first and foremost, is here to improve us amateurs…..I just wish I had more time to read all of them and give them just due….somebody SLAP ME!!

          • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

            lol you could be right :)

    • Abdul Fataki

      What’s wrong with that? If it was my script I’d love to know how involved someone was whilst reading my script.

      • carsonreeves1

        That’s the thing. It’s supposed to come off as informative and fun. But I realize it could come across as snarky, which is not my intention.

        • kent

          I just saw Don Jon, and you checking the internet 14 times while reading a script is a troubling mental image.

        • BSBurton

          I think it works just fine. No worries :)

        • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

          Now you have to keep posting that stat. We can’t be the only script you go on record for checking out on 14 times. I’m competitive.

          • Ange Neale

            I’m just grateful he didn’t think of it before he read mine, Chris. At least every other page, I’d expect.

        • astranger2

          Yeah… online postings without emoticons can be taken in the complete opposite direction than intended… especially when “attempting” humor…

    • SinclareRose

      It may not seem professional, mostly annoying and rude, but this is how we’re living today. Who doesn’t check their phone while watching TV? We all know the ‘commercial’ comes on before the movie telling us to turn off our phones, but just look around – people are checking them anyway. Such is life now.
      Seriously, who reads a script, professional or amateur, without stopping sometime to do something else? Why not have this honesty? It just challenges me to look over what I’ve written so far to make sure I can keep the attention of a reader. (Especially Carson, we all know he has ADD) If I can’t, then what is that person who’s watching my movie in the theater going to do? And they were just warned (by that ‘commercial’) within two hours.

    • Randy Williams

      I disagree. I like it. And I think it could be varied at times to remind us to support worthy medical practices and causes.

      Like, ” How many times I checked my eyes for Glaucoma”

    • Malibo Jackk

      It’s valuable information.

      Here’s what you normally hear:
      ‘I liked the writing.’
      ‘It’s not for us.’

  • Andrew Parker

    I think the script struggles a bit with genre confusion. Is it a buddy cop movie? Or an action drama movie?

    There’s a reason that you rarely see dramedys at the theater anymore — if you’re asking for people’s $10 ($15 if you live in LA), you have to make a promise to them. The promise is to either make them laugh (comedies), make them cry (dramas), dazzle them with visuals (comic book/blockbusters) or give them something to talk about with their cultured friends (art house pics).

    “Down to the Wire” seems to play it right down the middle — a little drama, a little action, a little comedy. But never wants to commit too hard to any of them. It’s gonna be a tough sell in this crowded marketplace if you don’t push your chips all in on one compelling reason the buyer should take notice.

    • BSBurton

      Good point Andrew, I’m working on that for the next draft today.

  • Jarman Alexander

    Congrats on the review! I have not read the script, but if the bit about the mother being 55 years older than her son is true, I’d change her age, or make him young enough so that he was born during a time when assisted reproductive technology existed for people without a billion dollar bank account.

    • BSBurton

      He’s adopted. the reveal got cut from the script but she didn’t “push” him out lol. THe reveal is going back in for the final draft.

      • Jarman Alexander

        Haha! That is a very strong, doubt removing reveal!

    • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

      Adoptive. But we apparently didn’t hammer that enough.

      • Citizen M

        Why can’t she be his grandmother? He started drinking after he accidentally burnt the house down with his parents in it. Now he can’t handle the guilt. Just spitballing.

        • BSBurton

          mom is gone completely, trying to focus the story more on the partnership and add more to the plot

          • Ange Neale

            Good decision, Byron. It felt a little like she was his ‘save the cat’ thing, but it didn’t work because of her age (actually, foster mom would’ve gotten around the age thing, too). But you didn’t need her to make him more audience-friendly.

  • Linkthis83

    Every time I think I have a handle on what’s going on around here, something like today happens. I thought today was going to be BLACK AUTUMN day, but then I thought A CINEMATIC END was going to be HARVESTER day.

    A big congrats to Byron and Chris for getting the AF review. I wouldn’t have been surprised at all had it been BREAKING THE CHAIN. In truth, I thought any AOW that had BTC in it would be unfair to the other scripts since it already had a bit of a following. It was like putting an IP against unknowns.

    It is true that I had issues with DTTW and it got my vote (which was challenged as well). When I thought about the two stories, however, I did choose the one I was more interested in. I think BTC is good (of what I read), but structurally, I also think it’s the easier of the two stories to write (not saying either is easy at all – none of this is).

    Also, when I think in terms of size and scope, BTC is smaller as well. I do believe the challenges that come with telling a story like BTC were handled extremely well by Bifferspice. I’d like to see it get reviewed because the fact that it got the support it did shows there is value in that script.

    And unicorns be damned, there were a ton of interesting things to me in the pages I read of ARIEL. When the writer of PILOT chimed in and described his story my reaction was “Oh wow, this could be really awesome.”

    I truly think it came down to a weekend of scripts with great potential. It’s obvious numerous posters believe that BTC delivered and there is much to be said about that as well. I think comparing concepts/stories between BTC and DTTW is pointless because they aren’t comparable.

    Again, congrats to the DTTW boys and I sure as shit hope you put in the work to take this thing to the next level. Make this happen!.

    As for BTC, man I hope you get the next AF slot. I sincerely do. You’ve got the support to validate it.

    • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

      I still have to read The Harvester, which also got a lot of love.

  • mulesandmud

    Good review. Carson goes deeper than usual into plot and character specifics, and his point about tailoring a character to their story and vice-versa, that’s essential stuff.

    I’ve only read the opening, so can someone else confirm: is it true, as Carson suggests, that this cop movie about a former EOD tech never pays off that bomb backstory, or finds anything bomb-related for that character to do after the opening sequence?

    If so, that’s a lot of meat left on the table. Would love to hear the writers explain their reasoning. Was it to avoid cliche? Was the EOD backstory a late addition? Does that backstory pay off in some other, more subtle way?

    • BSBurton

      It does pay off in a much more subtle way but that’s gonna be amped up in the newer draft. Too much meat on the table as you said. We also had joe’s mother explain in a conversation that joe was adopted but that got cut as we were slimming the page count. That led to some confusion when everyone was reading the age discrepancy lol. The backstory was what we started with. The following orders thing is a big no no for Boots after that. The scene will come into play more in the next draft.

  • BSBurton

    Thanks for the notes everyone. Carson, I wasn’t happy with the logline and I appreciate you taking the time to point out its issues. I also agree that it needs to be bigger and I’m working on that as we speak. Would love to have an updated draft posted in the comments by the end of the day.

    • klmn

      It might be better to take your time with the rewrite and come back at a later date.

      • mulesandmud

        I agree with that – don’t rush it. You’re about to get hit with a ton of potentially useful ideas. Better to step back, digest, and see how the feedback stacks up against the changes you’ve already made before calling what you’ve got a new draft.

        • BSBurton

          Ok Mules, good point. I will definitely do that. Just wanted to ride the wave so to speak with this featured post.

      • Linkthis83

        Totally agree. I was just thinking “How effective could this draft be?” Especially since an entire day of potentially awesome feedback remains.

        • BSBurton

          thanks link. agreed

          • Linkthis83

            I get it, man. Today is the spotlight. You’ve got this massive sugar-high and thought, might as well throw in some cocaine ;)

          • BSBurton

            I guess I should go all out!

          • Ange Neale

            Go hard or go home!

        • Ange Neale

          Link! New avatar! Very Woody.

          • Linkthis83

            It’s going to be a rotating avatar for a couple of weeks. Having some fun with a particular scenario :)

      • BSBurton

        I’ve been working on it for five days, but I agree. I’ll not rush it. Good call Ken!

        • ElectricDreamer

          Put down the script, take a breath and smell the validation.
          Then reap the rewards the community offers.
          Enjoy today, you goof! The script will be there tomorrow. :-P

  • BSBurton

    Thanks Patrick! The conflict is a big thing I’m changing today. Hope to have a newer draft up today!

  • BSBurton

    Thanks! If you remember any bad dialogue, please post it on here so i can cut/alter it. I appreciate the read and I think you’re right about referencing the first scene. Working on that today!

    Did you have any luck querying that brit production company?

    • Bifferspice

      the only bit that prompted that comment was p43-44 when he’s dropping him off. but overall, i think it’s strong, so don’t take it as a slight on the whole thing! :)

      cheers for mentioning that prod company. i haven’t done the latest round of emails yet – still plucking up courage for that. i have to meter out my rejections/stony silences so i don’t get too many in any one

      month!!

      • BSBurton

        hahaha, i”ve been there but had some great feedback recently on another project which helps. Too bad we can’t bottle it up ;)

        I will be cutting that scene entirely. too much talking in there and I look forward to adding more plot reveals and slight bit of action.

      • Kirk Diggler

        Did you do a re-write of BTC based on feedback?

        • Bifferspice

          not yet. i’m busy on a first draft of a noir revenge schlock horror script. so not exactly a natural sequel! haha! i have pencilled in time in july to do a rewrite i think, along with a rewrite of my second script (which is more in line with BtC). so it’s going to be a busy summer! :) be happy to send it on to anyone who wants a read though!

  • klmn

    I have two points about the script.

    First, I think the writers use too many qualifiers. It’s usually better to avoid them. I make an exception for “fucking” used as an adjective or adverb, as it serves as an intensifier.

    Second, I think there should be more comedy. Mel Gibson did a lot of funny stuff in Lethal Weapon, including a Curly Howard impression. The one line from DTTW that made me smile was “Hands up, flamer!” on p 101.

    • Linkthis83

      I liked “Couldn’t decide on a color?”

      • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

        That is my favorite line of the whole script. All Byron.

    • BSBurton

      I agree completely. I’m working on that in this newer draft as well as aiming for more humor. Can’t force it in but I’m looking for organic ways to get it in there

  • Randy Williams

    Down to the Wire

    Read the whole script and gave page by page notes on that weekend. BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER was my mantra too at that time.

    Why no mention of how well the action is written in this script? I’ve actually read the script twice for pointers on writing hand combat scenes which I was stuck on with my own current script. I’ve seen some scripts have” insert fight here” or sketch out lightly the choreography. This script maps it out for you.

    What do you mean the prosthetic foot doesn’t come into play? It’s part of the story in many instances, the butt of jokes often, and in one scene it would make Macgyver proud.

    I’m surprised BTC isn’t here. I thought it had more votes and such backing that it was a shoo-in. It is a masterful script in many ways. Take advantage of this, you DTTW co-writers. Milk everything from these great minds. I think you have enormous potential.

    .

    • IgorWasTaken

      Randy Williams wrote: “I’ve actually read the script twice for pointers on writing hand combat scenes which I was stuck on with my own current script.

      That is a great endorsement of the writing. Your comment also seems of a kind with one I posted elsewhere today: Some AF scripts are, in fact, worth the read even if they aren’t worthy of a Carson “worth the read” (as Carson uses that designation).

      Many scripts are not worth reading. But even some not-ready scripts ARE worth reading because they do a certain thing(s) well.

      Or, for example, worth reading because they may contain a certain flaw, but if we, as readers, can see that flaw – and why it’s a flaw – it can teach us more than even an overall-good script.

  • Magga

    I haven’t had time to read the script and so I’m shooting in the dark here, but based on what I’ve read as well as seeing The Hurt Locker, EOD technicians are very often adrenaline junkies who are super bored when they’re not in the thick of the action. A guy like that would be the worst guy to buddy up with as a cop. Someone seeking out potentially dangerous situations even when they don’t need to just for the thrill, and someone with stuff to live for – great combo. I’d have the opening be about him working on the bomb down to the last minute even when instructed that it has no purpose, no girl potentially being hurt, just a risk to him and his team that ends up costing him his foot. Now he’s a cop, and is practically the antagonist to the other officer. He should do things like leave the gun when confronting his enemies, just to feel the rush of near-death. If his partner is troubled, you might consider having him finally about to piece his life together, back with his previously estranged family and so on, and his sanity is put to the test by his partner. They could literally battle for control of the cop car in a car chase. That would remove the low stakes of the actual mission, as that would highlight the insanity of the police officer.
    Take this with a grain of salt, of course :)

    • BSBurton

      A wild suggestion but appreciated nonetheless! Thanks Magga. This opportunity has allowed me to meet some really cool people on here. Sorry I don’t post more often but I’m tied up with so much work shizzz

    • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

      I like the idea of battling for control of the car. That’s definitely intense. Thanks Magga.

    • Citizen M

      I thought they tried to weed out the adrenaline junkies. I’ve heard they ask questions like, “Do you like bonfires, firecrackers, explosions, loud noises, stuff like that?”

      If you answer Yes you don’t become an EOD tech.

      • IgorWasTaken

        That is funny on two levels.

        Second level? If they like “explosions”, then the first one they hear on the job may well be their last.

  • Nick Morris

    AOW: Comeback Script Battle Royal!

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

    Thanks for the read, all! Your notes are appreciated, and we’re working toward BIGGER.

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

    Hope reading our script helps you pass some time today!

  • Poe_Serling

    Carson should just do a Clear The Slate week. Review the handful of amateur scripts that have generated some interest beyond their original AOW post.

    >>Breaking the Chain
    >>The Harvester
    Etc.

  • Citizen M

    My stab at the logline: “After drugs are stolen from several pharmacies, an alcoholic LAPD detective and an ex-bomb squad member with an artificial foot join forces to discover the real crime and corruption behind the robberies.”

    I don’t have much to say. It was well written and a quick read, but a bit light. I expected more action. There is a huge flat spot from page 35 to 46 where they just talk and bath or shower. You need to be ratcheting up the tension at this point.

    As Bill Martell says, in an action movie the main driver is the villain’s plan, and we don’t learn the plan until late in the movie. I feel the villains should be doing more to oppose the protagonists in the early part of the script. They shoot a witness, but that’s about it.

    Niggles:

    p. 60 – The head would explode before the shot is heard.
    p. 83 – Raps on the window, not “wraps”.

    • BSBurton

      Awesome catches!!! Thanks. Also can you try the logline again with the next version of the script? That would be awesome. Joe is no longer an alcoholic but he has much bigger problems to face. da da duuuuh. :)

    • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

      I love the head exploding before the shot is heard. Seems like a good detail that adds chaos, fear and transports Boots back to Afghanistan.

      • IgorWasTaken

        While I enjoyed CM’s correct mention that the bullet (usually) travels faster than the sound… FYI: Depending on ambient conditions, sound travels approximately 1000 feet/second. In this script, the shot is fired from “a white truck across the street.” And so, in this situation, the time lapse might be 0.05 seconds.

        • Citizen M

          In the Zapruder film of JFK’s assassination, Kennedy’s head disappears for an instant in a cloud of pink mist. You certainly notice that without the sound, but then you are looking out for it.

          • IgorWasTaken

            Ah. The days of consumer Kodachrome.

          • Malibo Jackk

            Was that faked by the same guy
            that did the moon landing?

        • Citizen M

          MEN IN BLACK

          HISSS! The Bug attacks, swinging its head down on them. They turn to see it, and just before the jaws snap down on their heads…

          BOOM! The Bug’s head explodes into a million bits. Bug juice showers down everywhere, bucketsful of goo drenching Kay and Jay even further.

          They turn to see…

          LAUREL standing behind the dead Bug, the other atomizer in her hands, the barrel smoking, the weapon and Laurel dripping the Bug innards.

          • IgorWasTaken

            Here is my favorite exploding-head scene, though in this one, the explosion is endogenous:

            This is a piece from Dave Chappelle’s short-run TV show in which he plays a blind black man, who doesn’t know he’s black, who is a white-power racist. White-power groups love him, but have never seen his face – until today.

    • IgorWasTaken

      CM, niggling one of your niggles:

      Would the head actually explode before the shot was heard? Yeh, it’d be hit. But would the pressure cause that reaction before the sound arrives?

      I actually don’t know. For example, the bullet arrives and goes through the head before the sound arrives, but does the head explode before the bullet passes through, or after?

      One other thought: Regardless of the actual physics, what will a reader/audience believe, and to what extent (in this scene, or any other) is it a good/bad idea to write the true physics, versus what people think happens in that series of events?

      • Citizen M

        The head would start flying apart as the bullet impacts.

        Actually, remembering my time patching targets in the butts on the firing range in the army, as the same moment the bullet strikes you hear a drawn-out whipcrack as the supersonic bullet passes, followed by the pop of the gun firing in the distance. This is assuming you are standing by the target.

        But you raise an interesting point. What is the sequence of sounds to give an audience the feeling of the bullet hitting? Maybe first the bang then the explosion. I’ll leave that to the experts in the editing room.

        I guess it’s like rockets de-orbiting. They are always shown firing their engines pointing the wrong way. It just looks better.

        • IgorWasTaken

          Thanks. I guess the writers here could punt on this (if they feel the need).

          It now reads: “Boot and Joe spin around with their guns drawn. They see Mickey’s head EXPLODE from a large caliber bullet.”

          Change that to “EXPLODING”.

          Or, simply, “They see Mickey’s headless body fall to the ground.”

        • IgorWasTaken

          I found a clip that offers a telling look at how explosive impact and sound are depicted in film:

  • BSBurton

    Thanks Zero, I appreciate it!!!

  • IgorWasTaken

    grendl ( irregular here )

    Made me laugh. As in, that was my spit-take for the morning. Thanks. (Also, I wonder if, in grade school, when the teacher took roll and everyone would say “Here”, if you were the guy who’d say “Present”.)

    Maybe the problem is the very fact that my name is at the top of that list. See, Carson seems to not be a fan of my opinions. Which I say simply as a matter of… fact. That’s a bit strange on the one hand, since I’ve always supported him whenever there’s a debate about how he does things; I mean, I may complain with others, but I’ve always said the bottom line is: It’s his effin’ website.

    But from my POV of his POV, it’d be fair to say that a lot of my posts here are not individual scripts, but about script issues. Why do I do that? Because if others have already posted what I also think about a script, then I try to drill down further and post about that.

    Also (and for me, this is a major thing), often when I’ve voted for scripts, it’s not because I think they’ll get a Carsonastic “Worth the read”.*

    Instead, I vote for scripts that I think can get the the most from a Carson analysis.** As well as the comments of the SS Gang. That is, scripts that have something really going for them, even if they need substantial work.

    Certainly that was the case with “Breaking the Chain”. I really think it has a strong kernel, and much more.

    But as Carson currently uses “Worth the Read”, I doubt it would get that check-box. Even though I think it is worth the read. And that’s why I endorse the suggestions of others here for a new sort of “Worth the Read” category. One that endorses a script as worth reading by us learning amateurs.

    And so, let’s say that Carson’s comments include praise for this and that aspect of an AF script, but he also says there are substantial problems – and that it’s “not ready”. OK, fine.

    But then just maybe…It is actually “worth the read (lower case) when read in combination with Carson’s notes.”

    In any event, maybe due to my ranking by the website-owner, I should vote for every script except for the one I most want Carson to review.

    Again, grendl, thanks for the spit-take quip.
    ___

    * – BTW, the -astic suffix is as in “fantastic”, not as in “ass”).
    ** – BTW, “analysis” is as in “analysis”, not as in “anal”.)

  • IgorWasTaken

    Carson, your comments today about loglines are great. One of the toughest things with a logline is deciding what NOT to include.

    And, as you say, the bits of a logline need to connect. In a way, it’s like structuring a joke. Setup; payoff.

  • IgorWasTaken

    “robbery” vs. “burglary”

    1. When bad guys go into a building when people are there, confront those people, and steal stuff, that is a “robbery”.

    2. When bad guys break into a building at night and steal stuff, that is a “burglary”. aka, “breaking and entering”.

    Of course, in everyday conversation, burglaries are often called robberies. The place was robbed.

    But for dialogue in a scene in a professional law enforcement setting, if you want to avoid misusing the word “robbery”, you can say “the place was hit last night”, etc.

    As for breaking into pharmacies to get patient data, if it’s an independent pharmacy it may well be you’d get data only from the customers of that pharmacy. However, there are pharmacy chains (e.g., CVS); and there also are associations of independent pharmacies. While I doubt that such an independent pharmacy would have simple click-access to the records at other pharmacies, in a script, it could be credible that they do.

    Also, it could be credible in a script that the bad guys steal some code or key or the like from the pharmacies’ computer systems, with a plan to use that code/key to help hack larger systems – maybe one the huge insurance health management systems.

  • Linkthis83

    “You and Paul Clark belong to the same writers group, Rick. Did the writer of this script join your group?”

    This wouldn’t matter anyway. If SS posters are in writing groups, so what? It would make sense that they support each other. That’s the point. They wouldn’t be fly-by voters. And it wouldn’t surprise me if this happens in future AOWs because of this (with its 323 comments):

    http://scriptshadow.net/need-a-writing-partner-or-a-writing-group-todays-post-is-for-you/#comments

    If you were in a writer’s group with Bifferspice, should we hold it against those in that group for voting for him? You said that he got the Tracking Board upvote as well. Isn’t that like have a built in support system already? Isn’t he already overwhelmingly supported by the number of people he had in his corner BEFORE AOW happened? If your script were one of the other four wouldn’t you be shouting from the rooftops at how unfair that was? I think you would. No matter how much “integrity” you’d want to claim.

    “Breaking the Chain won the vote fair and square. You won’t count it, but I did.”

    You’ve been around long enough to know that it doesn’t ever come down to just total votes alone. Even with the names you listed. The names listed for DTTW are solid as well.

    “Carson held my endorsement against Bifferspice, as I knew he would .”

    Well here’s the answer. No need for all that other mumbo jumbo. It’s plainly your fault. And you knew it would be. I can’t believe you did this to Bifferspice. Except, I don’t believe any of this. I don’t think you had any negative influence at all on this outcome. But my thoughts aren’t to be trusted either. Perhaps you and JB12 should’ve united in this cause, since he supported the script as well.

    And I believe that BTC is going to get its own day anyway, so this feels all for naught.

  • Linkthis83

    Regarding bombs:

    “p3 = The strangest set up he’s ever seen? I don’t feel this is going to have any story relevancy at all. There’s probably no need to make it the EVEREST of IED’s (or bombs in general). Instead, have him admire their creativity when constructing such devices with limited resources.”

    This was my note on AOW. I agree about the bombs. At first I thought this was an indicator of something that he would be facing in LA in present day. Turns out not to be the case. Had this been the case in the modern day story, it brings back all kinds of anxiety, stress, trauma because of what happened the last time he saw this set up. And it would serve a major story purpose. You can’t just say things arbitrarily in a script. Word choices matter.

  • carsonreeves1

    Hey guys. Some people are upset that Bifferspace’s script didn’t get picked. I have an open Friday slot for next week. So I’m going to review the script then. This way, everybody wins. Yay?

    • Linkthis83

      I think BTC earned a review. Had it been today’s review, wouldn’t have surprised me and wouldn’t have made me cry foul. After AOW, I was convinced both were getting reviewed anyway. Just felt like one of those weekends.

    • Bifferspice

      It’s a yay from me! wow, great news. Thanks, Carson. :)

      • IgorWasTaken

        This is great.

        Now, aside from any and all the (brilliant) comments/suggestions I posted about your oeuvre (some of which I pulled back on based on Kirk Diggler’s reply comments)… I have no idea if you plan to make any changes based on the various AOW feedback others posted. And if so, how long you have to get your revisions to Carson.

        And if you are making revisions and Carson will be reviewing the revised version, it might be good to take down the version that is now posted at the AOW link so no one reads that… only to find that it’s not the one Carson reviews next week. (I vaguely recall this has been an “issue” in the past.)

        Just a thought.

        • Kirk Diggler

          I think there are minor tweaks Biffer can make in the next week that will subtly improve Breaking the Chains. That’s what I would do. We are not talking a page 1 re-write here. Just a few edits and adjustments that would further ensure a Worth the Read or better, IMHO.

          • Bifferspice

            i think it’s a good idea. i won’t be able to implement ALL the great ideas people had, but i have a free day tomorrow, so will get as much done as i can and send it to Carson. :)

          • IgorWasTaken

            Wondering… Has Carson given you a deadline for submitting the revised draft?

            Also wondering – though maybe this has been posted in the past and I’ve missed it…

            –  If your script is chosen from an AOW group, when does Carson tell you that?

            –  And how much time (if any) is there between when he tells you and when you have to submit a revised draft (assuming you want to do any revisions based on AOW comments)?

          • Bifferspice

            no idea if it’s even possible to submit revised drafts. let alone know of the protocol. i’ll use it as a spur though, and if he reviews that one, great – if not, well, at least i’ve made a start on the next draft anyway :)

          • Bifferspice

            well i’ve done it! pulled out all the stops over the weekend and made tonnes of changes in the new version, and I emailed it to Carson. I just hope he hasn’t already written the review, based on the old version, but if he has, then at least I’ve addressed loads of issues anyway. :) i think it’s loads better. Not every issue I want to address has been addressed, but an awful lot have, including many suggestions made by the good folk on here. Will be happy to send on request, or put it up online again, or whatever, if people want a look before next Friday. :)

          • Kirk Diggler

            I will definitely check it out. Do you have a media fire account or some site to host it on?

          • Bifferspice

            I will do. I just thought of one or two more things to change this morning, so am tempted to put those in too, and will host it on mediafire later on today. :) i’ll post the link here.

          • Bifferspice

            Hey man. I don’t think I’ve ever written so much in a 48 hour period. I reckon half the script has been changed here.

            http://www.mediafire.com/view/7mwaa8ni5y4qeka/Breaking_the_Chain.pdf

            the first 12 are different, the bar scene’s different (think that one was yours!) on p72-77, there’s a whole new section that i really like from p79-99. the ending’s different. it’s all bloody different. i just hope i haven’t broken what worked before! frightening stuff. i have to say, i’m really chuffed with the changes i’ve made, and want to thank everyone for their awesome suggestions. i’m only posting this here, cos i feel like every comments section has been about my script, even when it’s meant to be about someone else’s, and i really don’t want to take over! haha! the support’s been so immense, but i’m scared how much it might be pissing other people off. anyway, the link’s there for anyone who wants it. i sent carson a copy that didn’t have ALL these changes in, cos i just wanted to get him a new version ASAP, but it does have most. any thoughts, let me know. thanks again, anyone who reads this. this version wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for all the help i got from everyone here.

          • Kirk Diggler

            Awesome. An honestly, don’t worry about posting this in today’s thread. That’s what this site is for. I don’t think anyone will frown about it, especially since you are being reviewed. Otherwise, by posting it here, no one will see it.

            P.S. I noticed your script is on Trigger Street. How would you rate your experience on that site? I just signed up, have already done a couple script reviews.

          • Bifferspice

            Really good, actually. Some quality notes (so much so that the version I have on there was quite a bit before the one I posted here originally – it’s WAY out of date. but yes, an excellent site, with some really knowledgeable and supportive people on it.

      • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

        Congrats. Get those revisions in!! ;)

      • Nick Morris

        Glad to see BREAKING THE CHAIN will have its day. Congrats, Bifferspice!

      • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

        Congrats, Biffer. Glad we both ended up getting our day. You definitely have a solid script on your hands.

    • IgorWasTaken

      I object.

      That is, if it helps – I object.

      • gazrow

        LOL!

  • Nicholas J

    I’m new? Been here since day 1 and have been commenting randomly for years. MAYBE I SHOULD START TYPING ALL IN CAPS.

  • BSBurton

    Thanks for the read Patrick and pointing out the lines you liked. Mulligan wrote the parking enforcement bit and I “color” and “Job.” Fun to try and slip those in.

    In the next draft, Joe will have a better response and they will be butting heads more.

    Great Shane Black quote, glad you shared it! I’ll be working all weekend on the next draft. Some major changes and heavy lifting. Gonna keep the good jokes intact and maintain the action set pieces.

    if you have any more thoughts please shoot me an email at
    b r o n b u r t o n at y a h o o . c o m

  • BSBurton

    Thanks for commenting electric, I appreciate it! I’ll def send you the next draft :)

  • BSBurton

    Great thoughts Mules! Thanks a million :)

  • BSBurton

    Rick seems to be under attack from the New York wolf, but I think your time might be better spent typing up notes for “Chain.” If you really like that script so much, put your energy into improving it or looking for typos that the author might’ve missed. Don’t attack people on S.S.

    And I’m sure you’d love to polish an oscar!

  • BSBurton

    thanks a lot unfinishe. yeah, identity theft is no laughing matter.

  • carsonreeves1

    Yeah, I still need to catch up on that too. Maybe a double Thursday/Friday Amateur extravaganza. Not sure yet.

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    Thanks for the hate. And for the judgement when you don’t know anything about me. Nor have you read a thing I’ve written. I could slander back, but I’ll take the higher road, as your hateful response speaks for itself.

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    Haha influence voting? I wish I had that kind of power. But I don’t. Nor am I deluded into thinking I do.

    If I had any influence, Harvester would have been reviewed that off week, as he had some decent support as well. Just like I am in support of BTC being reviewed next Friday since it’s been said nothing is on the slate.

    But you can hate on me all you want if it makes you feel better. :) doesn’t change anything.

    Paul and I are in an online writer’s group together. Yup. Can’t think of anyone better. Along with my writer’s group here in LA. I think everyone should be in one.

    Anyways, thanks for the hate, always glad to be hated on by people I have done nothing to lol and maybe one day this site will be what it’s made for, to give thoughtful, honest feedback to help the script that’s being showcased a chance at being better, instead of these tangents of hate that prove nothing except everything that’s wrong with the world.

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    By the way, Billy never won an Oscar lol

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    This is why you should have your script reviewed next week. Instead of leaving hateful comments because something didn’t go your way, you take the higher road and support the writers who did win.

    To me, that’s how the site should be. How people should be. It’s the humble attitude that will get you where you want to go in life (with a hint of relentless pursuance). It’s going to have people say, “hey, I want to work with this guy.” Karma is real, and I believe you harvested a good amount. :)

    And I don’t think any of us thought you rigged the votes.

    Hope your script gets reviewed next week. If it is, that extra time gave you that extra time to work a couple of the beginning kinks out, and send him a new draft. Things work out the way they are supposed to. Good luck, man.

  • Nicholas J

    THE ALL CAPS IS ALREADY WORKING!

    Yeah, never had an avatar before. I don’t really care, just don’t want my CHAIN vote to be taken as a drive-by friend/mom vote. Never talked to biff until his AOW and I was as skeptical as anyone at the praise it was getting. Definitely deserves an AF slot though.

    • Ange Neale

      (NOTE TO SELF: CONSIDER SUPERGLUING CAPS-LOCK BUTTON DOWN.)

  • carsonreeves1

    Just so everyone knows, there are like 10 comments from Grendl I didn’t approve because he’s going absolutely apeshit. And to think, I almost considered finally taking him out of moderation. Days like today remind me that it can’t be done. For the good of the world.

    • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

      lol even though he ragged on me for no reason at all… I still like reading his comments. It wouldn’t feel like Scriptshadow without his presence. You just can’t take the things he says personal… even if they are.

      • Ange Neale

        It’s swings and roundabouts with grendl. When he’s at his best, he’s extraordinarily insightful, and he’s NEVER dull.

        • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

          That’s why I’ve sent stuff to him. He is a knowledgeable dude. He has his faults, but I don’t think that can be taken away from him.

          I think he’s mad at me because I didn’t get to his script before the Nicholl’s deadline. I offered to still read it, but he said not to bother.

          I probably should have tried harder to read it sooner, but I was desperately trying to finish something, and time is a funny thing, it has a habit of speeding by, and by the time I found time, it was too late.

          But I agree. Insightful. Never dull.

          • Ange Neale

            To borrow from William Congreve:

            “Heav’n has no rage, like love to hatred turned,
            Nor Hell a fury, like a grendl spurned.”

            If he doesn’t already have a personal motto, I’d suggest the one the old Highland Black Watch Regiment used: Nemo me impune lacessit (Provoke me not with impunity).

          • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

            I’m fairly certain Grendl has a personal motto already.

            http://i.imgur.com/b3scF.gif

          • Ange Neale

            Oh, man, this image is going to haunt me all day.

          • BSBurton

            LOVE IT!!! This is what happens when Grendl throws a rude comment at Carson

          • astranger2

            Wow… that Scientology stuff really works. Who knew? ; v )

          • Ange Neale

            And the guy in the Santa dress is deeply disturbing.

          • astranger2

            Yes, he is… and the continuous motion that can’t help but draw your eyes to… yes, he is…

          • astranger2

            Or “illigitumi non carborundum…” ; v )

          • Ange Neale

            Hell, no — never!

          • astranger2

            I understood that. I’m trying a new process — I’m actually going to read a post, before leaving a comment… ; v )

          • Ange Neale

            And I’m going to check for accidental dual meanings before I wander off and abandon my posts, like doggy-doo on the sidewalk.

          • astranger2

            No worries… I seem to be the only that steps in it anyway… ; )

          • Ange Neale

            Could be worse — Buddha, sitting and playing around in it…

          • astranger2

            You mean, Bhudda… d-u-h… which unless I’ve misread again — is a joke. ; v ) Oh, GOODNESS, by posting this you’ve scarred my eyeballs and psyche again, by forcing me to witness the prancing, bearded, Santa’s helper… oh, well… there’s room enough for us all…

          • Ange Neale

            …in the asylum.

          • astranger2

            Of course, it gives an entirely new metaphorical interpretation to the former Cat Steven’s song, “Buddha and the Chocolate Box.” … no?

          • Malibo Jackk

            Was that his DMC script?
            Or another?

          • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

            The monster one.

          • Malibo Jackk

            I don’t think comedies have traditionally done well with Nicholl.
            But I believe there was one last year.

          • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

            Don’t think it’s a comedy lol

    • BSBurton

      Argo **** yourself… he should get the message lol

    • IgorWasTaken

      From the new learn-at-home challenge, “Logline-minus-1″

      BLOG-RUNNER
      When a prolific writer of screenplay reviews, that he posts to his well-trafficked blog, finally decides to let his most prolific, and highly excitable, commenter out of moderation jail, ___________ [something happens].

      • Casper Chris

        Shit happens.

        Shit on fan happens.

        Shit all over happens.

        Yea, it’s a shit story.

    • Cuesta

      :( the curiosity is killing me.
      Grendl is so cool. Rants included.

    • klmn

      Aw, c’mon Cars… We can take it.

      • Kirk Diggler

        If I want flame wars I can go to usenet. Oh wait, is that still around?

    • Citizen M

      “The fault of literary conversation in general is its too great tenaciousness. It fastens upon a subject, and will not let it go. It resembles a battle rather than a skirmish, and makes a toil of a pleasure. Perhaps it does this from necessity, from a consciousness of wanting the more familiar graces, the power to sport and trifle, to touch lightly and adorn agreeably, every view or turn of a question en passant, as it arises. Those who have a reputation to lose are too ambitious of shining, to please.” — William Hazlitt, “On the Conversation of Authors”

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    That was my exact note when I read the first draft about their introduction as partners. I didn’t like it. And it wasn’t much better in the second draft.

    • Nate

      I didn’t really like the introduction as partners either. I said they should meet at a bomb threat where Boots can use his skill as an EOD tech. It would create a nice bit of conflict between them. Both guys are trying to do their job, but neither of them believe the other guy is a cop. So whilst Boots is trying to disarm the bomb, Joe is trying to stop Boots from ”arming” the bomb.

      • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

        That could be funny.

        The thing that bothers me about that idea is that Lethal Weapon 3 starts with them trying to disarm a car bomb. It’s hard to start a movie similar to another movie and not he compared, or thinking it may have been stolen from another movie.

  • BSBurton

    got ya ;) I’m feeling good about it, but I’ll seek more feedback before posting another draft

    • Ange Neale

      Good for you, Byron! I’m really glad both you and Biff are getting reads.

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    Actually, I told Byron that I would read the first ten or so of each script, and if I thought their ten pages were better than the ones I read, I would vote for it.

    If I didn’t, then I told him I wouldn’t vote. Right or wrong, that was as fair as I knew to be.

    And I don’t know what you mean by early.

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

    Thanks. We’ve written probably ten titles for this so far, ha. Maybe the new draft will bring new insight.

    • mulesandmud

      Classics of the genre like LETHAL WEAPON or DIE HARD also use generic stock phrases for titles, and it works for them. In some ways, movies like yours are begging for a well-deployed cliche in the title. At best, those old chestnuts can be fun and recognizable and also suggestive of the movie to come. Even serious modern films like THE HURT LOCKER use that strategy and get away with it just fine.

      The problem is that your title isn’t very suggestive of anything. It doesn’t capture the genre or tone of the film. The above titles suggest action, violence, and glorious macho bullshit. Your title suggests a photo finish or a looming deadline; that doesn’t exactly scream action movie.

      In theory, a title should tie directly to your story, preferably with layers of meaning. Early in LETHAL WEAPON, Murtaugh describes Riggs with that phrase jokingly; later we realize how right he was. DIE HARD and THE HURT LOCKER are more indirect in their meanings though, and that’s fine; it’s more about connotation than denotation.

      You two should play a game: go buy a bottle of bourbon, crack it open, and keep drinking until either you come up with fifty action movie titles or the booze runs out, whichever comes first. Don’t think about story, just find random phrases that sound like action movies you would want to see. Imagine a poster with a big explosion on it: what words go there?

      I guarantee that by the bottom of the bottle you’ll have half a dozen better options for DTTW’s title, plus probably a handful of other phrases that will inspire ideas for new scripts.

      • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chrismulligan/lunch-meat?ref=live Chris Mulligan

        Ha! I’m 100% going to play your game.

  • klmn

    Considering how the Federal Reserve keeps pumping up the money supply, it’s hard for me to get excited about a bank robbery.

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    Actually when I made my count, there were already over 300 comments. I didn’t just count my vote and one other person’s lol I mean, c’mon now.

    And when I was making my own count, up top majority of votes for D2TW… and by people I don’t know.

    And as I started getting toward the bottom, BTC slowly started catching up, and by the time I was finished, BTC was up by 5 or 6 votes. And I actually thought BTC was going to win.

    Which, in a way it did.

    And my vote was actually toward the middle of the comments, so mine was mixed in with more of the BTC votes.

    I have to say, you’re sounding like I was trying to fix the voting system, as if I was trying to fix a boxing match lol I don’t have that kind of energy. Not for something like this.

  • Linkthis83

    Early? Paul lives in the future compared to us.

    1) What makes it odd?

    2) Are you not allowed to vote for a script if you like the concept better even if there is another script with better execution? Does subject matter not really count at all?

    3) What is the protocol if you know someone in AOW? Are you no longer allowed to vote for them? What if they are an SS regular? Still a no no?

    4) Should I clear all future votes with you first?

    5) THANK YOU! It was driving me insane trying to remember “delicate sensibilities” and I never did. My way still worked. More than one way to write something. Had the problem once before trying to think of the word “milestone,” kept coming up with “stepping stone”.

  • Ange Neale

    disqus (n): 1/ a perplexing, erratic internet phenomenom which persists solely because it is less perplexing and erratic than the alternatives. E.g. ‘I’ve had a disqus of a day.’ 2/ (v): more polite than ‘to fuck up’. E.g. ‘I really disqussed so I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.’

    • BSBurton

      BEST COMMENT EVER :)

      • Ange Neale

        Thx.
        Disqus adds a whole new layer to the old adage, ‘To err is human; to seriously fuck up requires a computer.’

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

    By the way, thanks where thanks is due, I do appreciate your help with Killing Field.

    I know for a fact that your help, among a couple other people I am lucky enough to know, helped me get where it got.

    And I am about 15 pages from finishing that sucker.

  • Guest

    Here, some words to live by…

  • Linkthis83

    Did you read any of the other scripts from AOW? Nope, didn’t think so. Some might consider that questionable. Looks like you had a favorite going into the weekend. Why isn’t that subject to scrutiny?

    Because it’s you, right? And just the other day you thanked me and it was like we were unified in a similar cause. Today, I’m an illiterate moron again whose comments and insights suck. Thanks, g.

  • Ange Neale

    OT here… Anyone seen ‘Edge of Tomorrow’ yet? Verdict? Think Carson gave the script an [X] Impressive.

    • BSBurton

      You could find a few plot holes, but cruise actually acts against type in this film and it works. HOME RUN! Plus Emily Blunt puts in the most physical work for a female lead since Linda Hamilton in T2 in the early 90’s. A fun watch, check it out!

      • Ange Neale

        Roger willco, this weekend for sure. Thanks for that!

  • Linkthis83

    Grendl, is it possible to have an objective discussion with you? Don’t worry, I’ve got your answered covered: “No, Link, that’s not possible.”

    Exactly. There’s something about you that makes you think that you can treat people however you want and then demand things from them. Nope, not possible. You never answered my questions, why should I care about yours? Besides, you keep reminding me of how ignorant I am. How could you trust anything I say. I’m too stupid for anything I say to be credible.

    You stated that I challenged you for “no reason.” How about attacking another poster for his vote? How about making wild accusations of collusion. You conveniently avoid the fact that many people who voted for BTC did so based on their read when it was posted in the comments section of an article, not AOW. A lot of them didn’t read the other scripts and provide feedback.

    YOU had your vote already going into AOW. Why again isn’t that an issue? Because it’s YOU. None of that is questionable at all. I don’t think DTTW got a fair shot from you but I didn’t feel the need to call you out about it. But now you’re Bert Macklin, FBI. YOU are the moral high ground all of a sudden.

    Both scripts got a ton of support. Both are getting reviewed. BTC got the majority of the votes. What is your issue?

    The truth is, I’ve given so many notes to SS posters on here over the last year that you can always accuse me of being biased. That’s a fact. I’m in everyone’s writers group. :) Even yours. You’ve created this situation now that if you ever submit another script that shows up in AOW, I can’t vote for you. Because then somebody else can pull this selfish bullshit you have today. But you know what, I don’t freaking care. I will vote for your script if I think it’s good. Or if I think the subject matter is more interesting than something else that was better written. Read my freaking review of their script. I was one vote. I was honest about everything. “BTC is written better, but it isn’t a story I want to read more of.” “I’m not qualified to critique this style of script regarding DTTW, because I’d never want to read LETHAL WEAPON but I’d love it as a movie.”

    You’ve taken away from the writer’s today. You’ve shifted the focus from what today should be to your own personal agenda. You had to make this shit about you. It’s disgusting and unprofessional. YOU are your worst enemy when it comes to this stuff. The writers of today’s script deserve better than this mess you’ve felt justified in creating. It’s bullshit and it’s wholly unjust.

    You can think I’m a coward. I’ll just add it to the long list of supportive adjectives I’ve received from you.

    • Linkthis83

      Grendl wrote: “Why don’t you get your facts straight Nancy.

      This day started with an assertion from Carson Reeves that he didnt trust some of the votes for Breaking the Chain, and I didn';t see you chiming in on Biffers behalf hero.

      YOure full of shit, you know that? Why didn’t you say, hey Carson what do you base that contention on? No, you said if Breaking the Chain had gotten its day you wouldn’t have cried about it.

      Well you know what, You shouldn;t BECAUSE BREAKING THE CHAIN WON., THE VOTE FAIR AND SQUARE DESPITE YOUR FRIENDS ATTEMPTS TO RIG THE VOTE.

      FAIR AND SQUARE.

      Please get a conscience first before answering. You were in the wrong. You know BTC is the better script and you voted for your pals. Which is fine once youre in the business but for a screenwriting blog trying to gain credibility with actual viable scripts, for Biffer to even maybe not get his day was bullshit.

      Questionable drive by votes indeed.

      Im not in a writers group asshole. I don’t need your retarded notes and never will. You don’t know SHIT about telling stories. Email me one of your piece of shit scripts, I dare you.

      I will have u on the nearest bridge talking to a priest.

      You are the worst, Link, the worst.”
      ——————————————–

      That’s what this is about? You think Carson said there were fly-by votes in this AOW? I don’t think he said that at all. He was stating why some votes are more credible than others. I’m a moron and even I understood that.

      I also thought this was a non issue like I’ve said a hundred times already because I assumed they would both get reviewed. It makes sense based on previous AOWs.

      No wonder you are off the rails. Jesus, man. Get a grip. There was no padding. This is all in your head. You’ve created this reality and now are reacting to it.

      Of course I’m not running around campaigning. And if I thought there was an injustice, I know HERE and NOW is not the place to do it. I can’t give you any self awareness. I can’t give you the ability to figure this stuff out on your own and act accordingly.

      Yes, you quoted me on what I exactly said. I’ve seen plenty of other AOWs where the script that got picked for AF wasn’t the one that I felt was the popular choice. Where were YOU then? Why weren’t you crusading then? Oh, because you weren’t invested then. You didn’t have a personal stake in the scripts that weekend. Oh wait, what’s that? That would mean for you to do what you are doing today that you HAD A PERSONAL STAKE IN A SCRIPT THAT WAS REVIEWED DURING AOW. You are no longer credible. See how that works? Nope, didn’t think so. You are only capable of one side. YOURS. The rest is futile. Send you insulting replies. I look forward to discarding them as noise.

      And my biggest issue with this comment = I ALREADY STATED THAT I THOUGHT BTC WAS BETTER WRITTEN, DOESN’T MEAN IT AUTOMATICALLY GETS THE VOTE. I THOUGHT THE CLOUD FACTORY WAS BETTER WRITTEN AND DIDN’T VOTE FOR IT. WHERE WERE YOU THEN GRENDL? WHERE?????? WHAT, NOTHING, GRENDL. THOUGHT SO.

  • bex01

    Bahahaha thanks grendl!

  • Linkthis83

    Good point about not reposting your hatred of me. Thanks.

    Did you read ANY of my notes or the discussion between Nicolas J and myself from AOW? This is the problem with YOUR assertion. Nothing I say is credible. Even though ALL of it is. If you have this belief, it doesn’t matter that I write/wrote:

    “Do I love LETHAL WEAPON? Hell yes I do. Would I want to write a LETHAL WEAPON or read the script? Fuck no! I think this concept is a refreshing one for AOW and I’d like it to receive “the treatment” so it can get to where it needs. I certainly wouldn’t be the guy to do it and you will see that in my notes.”

    –OR THIS–

    “I thought the point was to vote for the script I want to get reviewed? As far as I’m concerned, this system is flawed anyway. I’ve seen Carson give a script [x] wasn’t for me but thinks the script deserved to be read (White Label). Also, the recent noir script (I’ve forgotten the name — MARLOWE maybe) was a well written script and didn’t suffer from amateur issues and it got the same rating as well because he thought there was too much story (or didn’t like the story).

    So yeah, just because I liked some of what was in BTC and how he had written it, doesn’t mean it’s a story I want to read either. I have the ability to appreciate concepts and the efforts/effectiveness of writers.”

    –AND THIS–

    EDIT: I also told the writer of the script ARIEL that I would probably read 15 more pages of that script. You could also make the case that I should’ve made that one my #1 script.
    ————————-

    It’s also interesting how you skip right over all my valid points about YOU. Aha! you thought I didn’t notice. But I did. This is why objective conversations with you are impossible. You are lacking the ability of rational responses. I see you said nothing about your personal crusade for this script. You didn’t reading anything else.

    I also didn’t see Biffer defending his honor. I saw him simply stating that he didn’t have anything to do with the voting.

    Now, once I send you that script, is the bridge that you are going to have me on talking with the priest; do you provide the priest or is it up to me to make those arrangements prior? I just want to have my ducks in a row ahead of time. Thanks in advance.

  • Linkthis83

    And btw, I vote for the scripts I want reviewed. I’m not doing fucking charity work and this ain’t an outreach program.

  • carsonreeves1

    Grendl is going on one of his bipolar drunk rants. I had to delete 15 comments in moderation with not a single nice thing said. I don’t think that’s even mathematically possible.

    • Malibo Jackk

      The g-man has been barking like a dog.
      Seems like ever since he saw that movie — MOVIE 43.

    • Ange Neale

      Internet checks: 14
      Drunken rants deleted: 15

      Not quite your typical Amateur Friday.

    • Casper Chris

      Grendl caught on camera smoking his post-rant cigarette.

      • Ange Neale

        Casper, you clever fellow!
        You photoshopped this set-up? Haven’t seen a computer this old since the Cold War, at least.

        • Casper Chris

          I did.

          Yea, in Grendl’s defense, I’d be pissed too if my computer screen looked like a microwave oven.

          • Ange Neale

            Back in those Dark Ages, the screens didn’t come in color except white on black, yellow on black or green on black.
            In my very first job — company with 200 employees, mind you — computers and RAM were SO expensive, we used the shared services of a bureau that owned a computer the size of a small room that used punch cards.
            An early edition floppy disc — 1.44 Mb — had more memory than that sucker did.
            This possibly outs me as a dinosaur.

          • Casper Chris

            Haha yea, that was before my time I’m afraid.

          • Citizen M

            Floppy discs! We used to dream of floppy discs.

            In my day, students weren’t even allowed terminals. We had to punch our cards in the punch room with a thing like a typewriter (tan cards for program, red cards for data), then stand in a queue to feed them into the card reader, then stand by the chain printer and wait for our output on z-fold paper.

            Ah, Fortran. How I do not miss thee!

            Sometimes the card reader would throw a frothy and send a fountain of cards into the air. Then you had to pick them up and manually put them all in order again.

            The university ran a Univac computer so power-hungry they had a trailer-mounted turbo-generator parked outside the computer facility connected with with cables as thick as my arm.

            One forgets how unreliable they were in the early days. It seems like several times a day everything would stop and technicians would scurry around saying things like, “Parity check on the drum failed again.”

          • Ange Neale

            A fellow dinosaur! Who knew? And Fortran… there’s a word I haven’t heard in at least a couple of decades!
            Yeah, I remember “Do not bend, fold, spindle or mutilate.” Probably just as well not too many people had microwave ovens in those days, or they would’ve had to add “… mutilate or microwave.”
            Another company I worked for in the late 80s had a Texas Instruments thing — size of a big home fridge-freezer, but still single-digit megabytes of memory. We were upgrading (and downsizing) to a Wang mini (bar fridge size) so I stuck a ‘For Sale’ sign on the side of the old TI. The backups used to take an hour and a half on 2 big reel tapes. Swear to God, I hurt its feelings with that sign. It’d get well into the 2nd tape then crash and I’d have to re-run it.
            If someone had told me then that computers with hundreds of gigabytes of storage would one day be small enough to hold in the palm of my hand and that I could download a movie in a fraction of the time it takes to watch it, I’d have thought ‘Not in my lifetime.’

          • IgorWasTaken

             
            We were upgrading (and downsizing) to a Wang mini

            And now, one need not wonder how it is that that computer company in Eastern Massachusetts went out of business…

            A company at which the Marketing Dept thought it would be a good idea… to send out the company’s almost-invariably-male sales force… to sell product to a marketplace of buyers who were almost-invariably-male… and make that product’s name “The Wang Mini”.

            __

          • Ange Neale

            LOL!

          • IgorWasTaken

            At my school, we had an IBM 360 with a mouse!

            “A mouse, you say?”

            Yes, a mouse. With an IBM 360. A mouse that controlled the entire system.

            That is, a mouse that crawled into the cabinet, chewed through some wire, and brought down the entire system.

            My problem with Fortran was that do-loops could not be employed recursively.

          • BSBurton

            floppy disks are in my new script! BOOM

          • IgorWasTaken

            And yet, LOLcats suddenly becomes interesting if it is a microwave.

          • Kirk Diggler

            Don’t you mean ‘science oven’?

          • BSBurton

            hahaha, awesome works sir

        • Bluedust

          That is one beast of a dot matrix.

          • Ange Neale

            Useful now only as debris for an artificial reef.

            Baud rate of 1200 bits per second, maybe 2400 tops…

            Ah, little trip down memory lane. Those were the days.

    • JakeBarnes12

      I had a guy like grendl in one of my writing courses.

      Middle-aged guy taking a class with college kids. He loved me, but somehow got the idea his fellow students weren’t showing proper respect to his favorite professor. Ended up with him leaving me notes about taking care of the situation.

      Worse, time came for me to return papers and this guy thought he was a great writer.

      He wasn’t.

      Sound familiar?

      So I ended up having two undercover cops in my class waiting for this guy to snap.

      If you’ve never seen campus police trying to pass as students, lemme tell you, it ain’t like “22 Jump Street.” Two straight arrows with square haircuts, blue blazers and Dockers. Might’ve worked in 1953.

      Anyway, big day rolls round and the guy doesn’t show, and a week later they remove him from the course. Doesn’t stop him walking past our ground floor window every now and then when class meets, so we need those fuckin’ cops there the whole semester.

      The other students in the class, they’re kids; think the guy and his rants are funny.

      Point is, with the internet today, you got somebody’s real name, you know where they live.

      Then it’s all fun and games until it isn’t.

      • Citizen M

        I read about half of Elliott Rodgers’s manifesto “My Twisted World.”

        It turns out that even homicidal psychopaths can write better than many amateur scriptwriters.

        • JakeBarnes12

          Sad, innit?

        • Casper Chris

          In the manifesto, at one point, Elliot talks about wanting to become a screenwriter and writing an “epic fantasy” in the vein of Game of Thrones. Then abandons the idea when he finds out that “screenwriters don’t make as much money as he thought they did”.

          • Ange Neale

            He missed his calling in Wall Street.

      • Stephjones

        Bummer for you, Jake, that a sociopath saw you as a kindred spirit. Especially the bad writer part.

        • Ange Neale

          Hey Steph,
          D’you remember the ‘Wacky Races’? Penelope Pitstop? Dick Dastardly and Muttley in the Mean Machine? Muttley’s laugh?
          I’m doing that laugh right now.

        • JakeBarnes12

          Do you have comprehension problems, Stephie?

          • Stephjones

            Probably. But do you mean before or after you edited out the part in your post where you said the guy loved you?

          • BSBurton

            hahaha oh shit, we didn’t get the whole story

          • Ange Neale

            I can second that Jake edited his post — I saw it seconds after Steph first replied.

          • JakeBarnes12

            Earlier this week I heard from a guy who hadn’t read the professional script I was giving my opinion on, but he was dang sure he disagreed with everything I said.

            Today I post about the dangers posed by bi-polar alcoholics with rage issues like grendl based on having one in a class I taught, and I get a silly line suggesting I can’t write from another person who hasn’t, of course, read any of my screenplays.

            That’s just not good enough.

            Whether I tell you I like your material or hate it, here are two things you can ALWAYS count on from me:

            1. It’s my honest reaction.

            2. My reaction is based on having actually read your stuff.

            Anyone who can’t follow those two simple precepts is a waste of space on this site.

          • Ange Neale

            I expect most of us would agree that one of the hallmarks of a truly free society is the right to express an opinion — whether or not one knows what the hell one is talking about. Even if someone says something that absolutely makes my blood boil, I’ll defend his or her right to talk a load of old bollocks until I take my last breath. In a free society, you can choose to ignore it.

            The alternative — shutting people up because we don’t agree with them — has historically resulted in concentration camps and gulags when taken to logical conclusions. Writers are usually the first to get locked up because ideas are incredibly powerful and sometimes dangerous things. On a public forum such as this, there’ll always be someone who disagrees with you, Jake. That’s life.

            Has it not occurred to you that you might’ve just been being wound up because it really pisses you off?

            Before we label grendl anything, do we know for a fact that he’s a “bi-polar alcoholic”?

            Unless grendl himself says so, or Carson knows so because either grendl has personally told him so AND given consent to air that information publicly OR grendl’s doctor has broken doctor-patient confidentiality and told Carson so, then any and all speculation about whether or not grendl has bi-polar depression and / or suffers from alcoholism is just that: SPECULATION.

            Was the scary guy in your class definitely a “bi-polar alcoholic”? He could’ve been schizophrenic and off his meds.

            You wrote: “… I get a silly line suggesting I can’t write from another person who hasn’t, of course, read any of my screenplays.”

            Firstly, what you’re saying is you don’t like it when people use irony to hurt your feelings? I’d recommend the services of a dermatologist for a salve for your thin skin.

            Secondly, why would it be the case that Steph couldn’t have read any of your screenplays? Has anybody here read any of them, and if not, why not?

            That would tend to suggest that deep down you think none of us good enough to critique your work.

            Honesty’s always good, and reading others’ work is admirable; I respect both things. I look forward to being able to read your work and learn at the feet of a master.

            As it’s Carson’s website, not JakeBarnes12’s, I note he’s fully capable of exercising his moderation prerogatives on any comments or threads of discussion which he feels are “a waste of space on [his] site.”

            You were, of course, merely expressing your opinion, not presumptuously telling Carson how to run his show. As long as I live in a free society, I will defend your right, too, to express opinions about whatever the hell you want.

            And finally, I humbly thank you for this opportunity to create conflict with my writing; those who’ve previously noted the chronic lack of it will notice I’m sincerely attempting to redress that issue.

          • JakeBarnes12

            That’s right, Angela.

            Pointing out that two posters’ comments are worthless because they haven’t read the material puts us on the road to the Holocaust.

            And not posting my screenplays for feedback here means I think every single commenter is a droop-mouthed mental defective fit only for the mobile gas van.

            Meanwhile the only one putting limits on what can be posted here is you.

            Here it is, Angela.

            Can you see it?

            I’m holding above my head the doctor’s note saying grendl has been thoroughly examined by a panel of medical experts and has been certified as a, and I’m quoting here, “sad little douche with rage issues,” and furthermore he gives full permission for this point to be broadcast up and down the land, but only by writers he deems vastly superior to himself.

            I trust that settles the issue.

          • Ange Neale

            I’m going to leave others to deal with most of that — not because you intimidate me, but because it’s 1.15a.m. here and I have things to do in a few hours that require a clear head.

            I could’ve sworn my previous post argued passionately for free speech, yet you claim, “Meanwhile the only one putting limits on what can be posted here is you.”?

            By what leap of the imagination did you reach this extraordinary conclusion? After all, it was you who said,

            “Anyone who can’t follow those two simple precepts is a waste of space on this site.”

            Not me.

          • JakeBarnes12

            Oh, yes, indeedy. If you’re a person who comments on stuff you haven’t read, your post is a waste of space.

            A waste of time too, come to think of it.

            Why, reading it actually drops everybody else’s IQ by 7.3 points. Citation pending, Angela.

            But that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to post it.

            You’re the one who set up that straw man. Then started boring on about the Holocaust.

            Meanwhile you’re setting up limits on what we can post as fact.

            Apparently you require a note from grendl’s doctors and permission from grendl himself to tell everyone he’s a nutjob.

            Because dozens of rage-filled posts so vitriolic that even laid-back stoner Carson has to step in is the sign of a guy who won’t go off the deep end and deep-six some innocent passers-by with piano wire.

            A silly person saying my writing is bad without having read it is fine with you, but another silly person (uh, me) saying that a guy is totally tutti-frutti according to you requires medical notes and permissions.

            Yeah, better work on that clear head.

          • Stephjones

            Maybe we could just put it to a ” guest” vote?

          • Ange Neale

            Hilarious, isn’t it? He’s giving grendl a run for his money.

          • Ange Neale

            Jake, you need to calm down for the sake of your blood pressure, too.

            You keep insisting I’m placing limits on what can be posted without providing one skerrick of evidence to support such a patently absurd notion. If you think people’ll believe it just because you keep repeating it then you underestimate the intelligence of this audience.

            For the record, I used the generic terms “concentration camps and gulags”.

            According to Professor Fransjohan Pretorius at
            http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/victorians/boer_wars_01.shtml concentration camps were first used by the Spanish in Cuba, the Americans in the Philippines then by the British during the latter Boer War.

            I never “started boring on about the Holocaust” at all because I’ve been aware for years that the British used concentration camps decades before the Nazis applied German efficiency to the concept. That the Spanish and the US also had was news to me.

            If you check back, you were the first person to mention the Holocaust.

            For the record, if I comment on a script, I try to remember to fully disclose whether I’ve finished it or not, how far I got if I didn’t finish it, and I don’t recall ever posting a comment critiquing a script I’ve never read at least a few pages of. By all means check back and correct me if I’m wrong.

            I have a great deal of sympathy for people with legitimate mental illnesses as disorders are all too often a consequence of the human brain trying to cope with sustained trauma and abuse of a physical, sexual or emotional nature.

            Use of the terms “nutjob” and “tutti-frutti” toward people who may or may not have a mental illness, clinically diagnosed or not, is astonishingly insensitive and unprofessional coming from someone who apparently teaches students, especially given the contributions that sufferers of mental illnesses have made to humanity.

            People like Lincoln, Churchill, Emily Dickinson, van Gogh, Tchaikovsky, John Nash, Charlotte Bronte, Michelangelo, Sir Isaac Newton… None of whom personally killed anybody, to the best of my knowledge.

          • Somersby

            Fuck, am I the only one thinking of a contained thriller about three virulent scriptwriters forced into a windowless room and told to
            come up with a mega-hit or else?? The mind boggles at the possibilities.

            It’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

          • Ange Neale

            Thanks for the laugh, Somersby!

          • Malibo Jackk

            “I had a guy like grendl in one of my writing courses.”

            When I first read this I thought you meant one of the writing courses you had attended. There’s also the reference to the professor in the third person?

            Had to read those first four paragraphs a couple of times.
            Probably just me. (And this is just an internet post.)

            Know you said you taught a course on screenwriting.
            Did you teach courses on creative writing as well?

          • Stephjones

            Aww, MJ. Go easy on Jakie. Fear mongering comes with its own special set of rules.

  • Casper Chris

    What do you mean each time? People are constantly sending in scripts using the ‘submit’ page. There’s no “time” for doing it and sometimes older scripts get chosen. People also re-submit every once in a while in hopes of getting noticed in the stack. Some do it perhaps a little too frequently.

    • Ange Neale

      Or under different names — thinking ‘Red River Torrens’ from May but different name back in January.

  • Ange Neale

    Poem for the day… ‘Autumn Poem’ by Leunig.

    The pen is mightier than the gourd
    But the gourd is more contented
    And beautiful and self-assured;
    The pen is more tormented.
    It craves to make its mark and then
    It dreads to be ignored;
    I want to be less of a pen
    And be more of a gourd.

    • astranger2

      Perfectly, and relevantly… poignant…

      • Ange Neale

        Have a gourd weekend, everyone!

  • Citizen M

    Carson, you’ve had a whole Amateur Week before. If there is more than one standout on AOW I personally wouldn’t mind if you replace one of the commercial script analyses with an amateur script.

    Better a good amateur script I can read than a better pro script I don’t have access to.

    • IgorWasTaken

      Better a good amateur script I can read than
      a superior pro script I don’t have access to.

      Thank you, Captain Yossarian.

    • ElectricDreamer

      Seconded.

      He’s a list of NOMINEES for said AOW Extravaganza Week.
      Let’s put it to an AOW vote since there’s no scripts to read!

      Decided to peruse the last two months worth of AOW candidates.
      I’d pull some deserving AF winners from this fine bumper crop of amateur craft…

      The Harvester.
      Breaking the Chain.
      Black Autumn.
      Lowlife.
      Static Town.

    • Logic Ninja

      Thirded. Preach it, friend.

    • Midnight Luck

      Fourthed

  • Citizen M

    From Carson’s Twitter feed: “Jun 1 — No newsletter this week and no Amateur Offerings. :( Tune in next weekend and we’ll be back to normal. :)”

    Remind us again, what is “normal” — no AOW, no newsletter; or AOW plus newsletter? ;o)

    • klmn

      Should “Carson” and “normal” be used in the same sentence – or even the same paragraph?

      • IgorWasTaken

        There’s your ad copy:

        There’s “normal”.

        There’s “The New Normal”.

        And now, there’s… “Carson Normal“.

    • IgorWasTaken

       
      EXT. THE COLOSSEUM – DAY

      The huge stadium of Roman spectacles. Empty. Quiet. Peaceful.

      SUPER: “ROME – 107 A.D.”

      Then, down in its bowels…

      INT. THE COLOSSEUM – DAY

      In a caged area: A small pride of LIONS.

         LEADER OF THE LIONS
      Hello…?! Anyone? We’re the lions
      over here!

      A GROUNDSKEEPER comes to the cage.

         LEADER OF THE LIONS
      Hey, so what’s the deal? Like, no
      Christians this week?

      _________

      • Ange Neale

        It’s still good.

  • pmlove

    Calling Carson – can you confirm or deny if AOW is happening this weekend? I have no doubt the constant page refreshes don’t hurt your stats but it will just let me get on with my (apparently quite limited) life if I know that it isn’t happening.

    • Malibo Jackk

      [ ] Have been under the weather lately
      [ ] It’s been another busy week here at SS nation
      [ ] Two for One Special over at Fast Burger
      [X] Damn! Overslept again.

    • Ange Neale

      Perhaps a statistical analysis is in order to ascertain the probabilities of incendiary conflicts breaking out and the need to moderate certain contributors on weekends where no AOW is forthcoming.

      Anecdotal evidence from this weekend suggests there might be a causal relationship.

  • kenglo

    So humble….awesome man….

  • IgorWasTaken

    Some rhetorical, tiny questions/issues for the writers.

    On page 3,

    The explosives are incredibly small, linked together by a
    long bundle of multicolored wires.

    BOOTS
    (headset)
    Command, I hate it when you’re
    right.

    COMMAND
    (radio)
    Sorry, Boots. Approach with
    caution.

    Why do you include “Approach with caution”? Presumably, we get that notion w/o that line of dialogue.

    And down that page, do we need the Captain to say, “We’ll cover you,”?

    And when Boots replies “Aye Aye Captain.” – why do we need that? I mean, that I can see maybe as a bit of info about Boots’ personality. But otherwise? I suppose, since we’re seeing Boots as he says that, on the screen it will help reinforce that he’s the only one inside; everyone else is at a distance. But maybe on the page you might (or not?) reinforce that with “All alone, Boots crawls…” Of course, as readers, if we take the time to think about that, we’ll realize he’s alone; and he’s the only one mentioned as being in there; but for tone purposes (and so that we readers don’t have to think about it, it’s on the page), you might want to mention someone in that he’s operating “alone”. To be explicit, as you do at the bottom of page 3:

    Boots crawls behind the concrete shield. It separates his
    body from the explosives.

    Also, while the level of tension varies within that scene, I think you could change up the writing style to go with that up and down change. So, when it’s slow tension, use Boots’ name and “he” for the subject, but when it’s fast tension, drop the sentences’ subject:

    So, instead of:

    Boots cuts the first blue wire, nothing. He breathes faster
    as he cuts the second, still nothing.

    Maybe:

    Boots cuts the first blue wire, nothing. Now breathes faster,
    cuts the second, still nothing.

    And above that, on page 4, you have:

    Gunfire erupts outside, getting closer.

    Again, for pacing. Seems to me that you’d want: “Gunfire erupts outside. [and then] It gets closer.”

    I agree with comments others have posted that your action is very clear. I’m suggesting you look for ways to also make it do double-duty – varying sentence length and structure to help the reader feel the story’s varying pace.

    • BSBurton

      Thanks Igor!!! love the notes and will be putting them into my collection to review as I rewrite.

      “sorry boots” felt too brief to me, the “approach with caution” felt like a natural conclusion to the exchange over the radio.

      The “Aye Aye Captain” speaks to Boots’ personality and it was important to show that before he has the trauma. At least for me. And yes, it also serves double duty to remind folks that it’s just him and the bomb.

      • IgorWasTaken

        Cool.

        A couple of other small things, because a script’s opening scene is… the opening scene.

        In this scene we see Boots not wanting to follow orders about the girl. Seems to me, he’s the kind of guy who’d already be crawling towards the explosives when he says, “Aye Aye Captain…”

        Formatting suggestion: I’ve seen this done different ways, but IMO anything we hear via a radio is “(V.O.)” Also, and this saves a line, you can do “(V.O./ON RADIO)”, so then you don’t need the parenthetical on the next line. (Some people would simply do “(ON RADIO)”.)

        Whichever way you do it, consistency can help the reader. IOW, you have:

        CAPTAIN EVANS (O.S.)
        (radio)

        But then for COMMAND you just have

        COMMAND
        (radio)

        I would do them all (V.O./ON RADIO). But again, I’m not confused the way you do it now; the other way just seems cleaner.

        Carry on.

        • BSBurton

          Thanks man. I appreciate your thoughts and help! I checked out that article and it was really good!

          How’s your weekend going?

          • IgorWasTaken

            Watching a toddler.

          • BSBurton

            Is that fun or draining or both? lol. What’s the last good film that you’ve had the pleasure to see?

  • grendl

    Blah blah blah,

    Just count the votes next time.

    • Citizen M

      I think Carson has figured out the best way to avoid all the hassle is not to have an AOW.

  • Casper Chris

    I wonder if Tony Gilroy, or anyone successful, sits around wondering about whether Quentin Tarantino sits around doctoring photos on the internet.

  • astranger2

    I’m not really sure why I’m “up-voting” someone that felt Another Earth soporific… but on occasion, I’m just tossed into the tide with the other debris… and can’t help myself.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Tracy Morgan in critical condition.
    Auto accident.
    — per DH

  • Midnight Luck

    wow,

    Fault in our Stars (early $48.2 mil)
    beats
    Edge of Tomorrow (early $29.1 mil)

    amazing

    Edge is probably the only Sci-Fi and CGI movie I have been looking forward to since Elysium, and it is being beaten by a Drama.

    Now don’t get me wrong, I want to see Fault as well, but am going to Edge first.

    So, what are those Carson Rules again? Stay away from Drama, go for the big Blockbuster Cgi-fest movies with a good hook, urgency, stakes, and goals?

    Well, Dramaweepy is trouncing Macho-gunblazing-alien killing time warping sci-fi.

    who knows?

    • mulesandmud

      It’s a damn shame. Not because I’m rooting for either movie, but because all Hollywood will likely see is that IP trumps original material every time, even with a megastar megabudget megagenre blockbuster.

      It just got a little harder to get a movie produced with a plain old good idea.

      (Yes, Edge is based on a comic book, but not one Hollywood considers a brand, so it’s functionally irrelevant.)

    • klmn

      Kinda OT. I saw A Million Ways To Die In The West friday. Very funny, for the most part. Better than Ted, IMO.

      I know Carson doesn’t care for that type of comedy, but normal people should like it.

      • BSBurton

        I didn’t watch Ted cause it looked like crap. This film could’ve been better with fewer crude moments and language (i don’t have a problem when it’s done right. See “Me, Myself, and Irene.”). The whole “ass fucking” dialogue with Silverman’s character wasn’t funny at all. Nor was the white facial she had in that one scene.

        Neil patrick harris came up dry as well, except he landed the best gag.

        For some reason, I loved the shitting in a hat bit. The real humor for me was when he reached for the second guy’s hat and he batted his hand away, knowing what he wanted the hat for. Lol, it was great.

        Also liked seeing Bill Maher, Ryan Reynolds (why was he there?), Django, and lastly Christoper aka Doc with the Back to the future car.

    • Kirk Diggler

      Nobody knows right?

      Tom Cruise’s films haven’t done as well in the U.S. as they used to, ever since he tango’d with Oprah. There are just too many that were turned off by his phony antics. I’ll see it for Emily not him.

      • Malibo Jackk

        He’s a hard working actor.
        (I can think of a few who don’t put in as much effort.)

    • BSBurton

      Midnight, I liked Edge a whole lot besides one or two plot holes. Mainly, how did Emily BLunt’s character know she lost her power unless she died and didn’t come back? That’s a good question. One or two other things but I won’t mention them. I hate spoilers :)

      Also, I want to see FIOS very soon. Hard to find a friend to see that one though lol.

      I’m curious, who is in your profile pic? Are you male or female and are you inside the U.S. or International?

      • Casper Chris

        Pretty sure that’s Lindsay Lohan in the profile pic.

        And I believe Midnight’s U.S.

        • Malibo Jackk

          Janet Jackson.

          • Casper Chris

            Did she turn white like her brother?

          • Malibo Jackk

            There are photos where both are equally tan.
            The confident attitude in the photo reminds me of Janet Jackson.
            Can’t be sure.

          • Casper Chris

            Like I said, it’s Lindsay Lohan.

          • Malibo Jackk

            Don’t be ridiculous.
            Who would give Lindsay Lohan a gun?

          • BSBurton

            are you sure? the eyes don’t fit janet

          • Malibo Jackk

            Absolutely.
            Janet Jackson and I have met eye to eye on many occasions.

            (Or maybe that wasn’t Janet.)

        • BSBurton

          not lohan, i’m sure of it.

          • Casper Chris

            Come on. When I say I’m pretty sure, I’m pretty sure, as in pretty fucking certain. It’s Lohan.

            Type “Lindsay Lohan gun” into Google Image Search.

          • BSBurton

            Sorry sorry, you’re right! I should’ve done my homework lol. Apologies Casper. It must have been before her drug fueled years because she looks like hell now.

      • Citizen M

        Definitely Lindsay Lohan. Never noticed the gun, though.

        • BSBurton

          Wow, very clear with the larger picture. From the smaller image, she looked prettier. Strange. Lohan looks really old now after all the drugs and long nights.

    • A Tribe Called Guest

      Death & taxes!

  • mulesandmud

    Looks like the weekend may have blurred the conversation a bit.

    If I squint and try to pull all of this into focus, seems like we’re talking about a different buddy cop movie now.

    One guy’s a loose cannon, suspended as much as he is on duty. Nobody knows what filled him with all his hate, or where he’ll aim it next. He’s crossed the line a dozen times, but the captain always lets him back on the force, because nobody else gets the job done quite like him.

    The other guy is cool, precise, by the book. An instructor at the academy, allegedly, with a habit of talking to people like they’re his students. No patience for anything but professionalism, except when he’s the one joking. People would call him an arrogant bastard, but trouble is, he’s usually right.

    These two have an old grudge that neither one can let go. One says the other is a mental case with rage issues. The other says the one is a poseur afraid to prove his mettle.

    Maybe they’ll have to work together, confront the past, and see the world from each others’ point of view to solve a big case. Or maybe they’ll swipe at each other on a message board, letting other cops watch the fireworks and take sides as the case goes cold.

    For a title I was thinking NUTJOB AND ASSBAG. Too gay porny?

    • pmlove

      ASSBAG: You wanna be a hero? You wanna make Lieutenant? Learn from the pros. Do as they do. Why is that so hard for you to understand?
      NUTJOB: Pros? What pros? For them it’s just a numbers game. Duking the stats, running street rips til they hit retirement. Whatever happened to real police work?

      CAPTAIN: Will you two shut the fuck up?

      • Stephjones

        Other cop– who ate all the fucking donuts?

        • IgorWasTaken

          Other cop– who ate all the fucking donuts?

          “… fucking donuts?”?   With cops…?

          OK. Maybe. But that’s kind of the obvious choice.

          Instead, maybe:  Other cop– who ate all the fornicating doughnuts?

          See, that adds subtext. That the Other cop listens to Rush Limbaugh, and as soon as he heard Rush endorse “Verbal Advantage” – because “People judge you by the words you use” – he went right to their website and bought the entire CD collection.

          • Stephjones

            RUSH LIMBAUGH RANT in background.

            OTHER COP( whine) — Captainnnn. Assbag and Nutjob are playing ring toss the donuts onto their dicks again.

            ( better? :)

          • IgorWasTaken

            Cream-filled?

          • Stephjones

            Cake. It’s an intensely angry game of ring toss.

          • IgorWasTaken

             
            Ring Cake.    It’s an intensely angry game of circle jerk.
             

    • mulesandmud

      Hey grendl. Thanks for the colorful response. I fear it won’t make it out of moderation (“…you’re the worst kind of evil…”), but I wanted to let you know that I’m still your pal, even if you aren’t mine.

      I support Bifferspace completely. He’s a real writer and his script has great potential, but honestly I didn’t give a shit whether he won Amateur Friday slot or not. Neither should he; he doesn’t need it. The comments he got during AOW were extensive and highly constructive, plenty to move forward with. In general, I find that the Friday feedback is less focused and more diffuse, e.g. this week AF got two extra days of comments, but almost all of them were about you instead of DTTW. I’m curious what Carson’s review will add to the equation, since BTC isn’t really in his wheelhouse; hopefully he’ll have a few useful thoughts.

      You deserve credit for championing a good script, and also have earned some gentle ribbing for the generalized havoc you wreak. I’m happy to offer both. Now let’s get past it and talk about movies, please.

      • Kirk Diggler

        Hey, ‘worst kind of evil’…. that could be your motto or something. It’s not bad. Gives you a bit of an edge, someone to watch out for.

        Usually he just calls people moronic or f’ing retarded. Well done Mules.

      • Casper Chris

        Amateur Friday is not just about the feedback though. People want to nail that double WTR (or better) so that hopefully Carson will champion their script and send it to his contacts. And maybe explode in attention-garnering excitement like he did with The Disciple Program and Where Angels Die.

        Carson:
        Anything I personally give a double “worth the read” or higher to, I send to my relevant contacts, which include all the major agencies (WME, CAA, UTA), management companies (Anonymous, Kaplan/Perrone, Benderspink, Circle Of Confusion) and producers I have relationships with.

      • Linkthis83

        I was the “worst of the worst”. Glad I’m not alone. :)

    • Malibo Jackk

      Hypothetical, of course.

      (Perhaps you could add an amateur cop who keeps telling everyone
      that the books are all wrong — but, in fact, the books are always right.)

      BTW,
      my favorite scene from old monster movies is the one where the scientist says
      — ‘What if we just tried to study him? Think of what we could learn.’

    • Ange Neale

      ASSJOB and NUTBAG could be the gay porny parody versions.

      • BSBurton

        You don’t seem like you’d be into porn Ange, i’m shocked!!!

        • Ange Neale

          I’m deep, Byron. I’m into astronomy porn — you know, looking up.

          • BSBurton

            Ah, I got ya. I do have a telescope. I’ve seen Jupiter but not Uranus.

          • Ange Neale

            Holy poop-chute, Batman! I can’t top that.

            Btw, you’re going to have a devil of a job sorting the wheat from the chaff from this lot. It’s been an action-packed and exciting weekend, yes?

          • BSBurton

            Thanks, I’m off to bed now! Victory is mine :)

          • BSBurton

            Yeah, hard to get the good reviews out of the attacks and other shiz lol

  • Franchise Blueprints

    Off Topic
    Movie Related

    Just saw the new X-Men Days of Future Past. This movie is very tepid in just about all aspects. Making a movie from a limited series comic run is stretching to the point of shearing the source material. First disclaimer, this is the first X-Men movie I’ve actually seen at the theaters. My primary reason for not seeing the other theatrical releases is because the trailers told me all I needed to know about how weak the movies were going to be. Second because of the extreme nature of their super hero abilities it will never be more than a CGI assault on the senses. These writers are doing nothing more than transcribing a few popular comic issues into one script. Lastly the over-exploitation of Wolverine. Marvel is also guilty of this as well.

    Hugh Jackman is and probably will be the definitive image of Wolverine. Patrick Stewart is the iconic Professor X, and to a degree Ian McKellen embodies Magneto also Jennifer Lawrence’s mutant version of Mystique. The visual appearance of these characters are the only pull for me in the series. Now here comes the problem as it is in the comic book as it is in the movie. The constant ret-conning of Wolverine. The 2 greatest offenses being the ability to regenerate from one single drop of blood, and his ability to survive being dropped on the sun. Read the comics for the explanation of this EXTRA RIDICULOUS REASONING. Because Wolverine is the LeBron James of Marvel there is absolutely nothing he isn’t able to do. Case in point (stop reading spoilers ahead) fans of Wolverine know that Logan had no idea he had claws embedded in his forearms until AFTER the adamantium infusion. Wolverine goes back in time in the movie before the adamantium infusion. Yet he was able to extend his bone claws BEFORE the infusion, BEFORE he even knew he had them. Fans of the comic know that Magneto ripped the adamantium from Wolverine’s bones. That’s when Wolverine was known as Scratch. This storyline and Days of Future Past do not intersect.

    This movie also made for the over-arching abilities of the Sentinels. Cable and Bishop fought them to a stalemate in their future. In Days of Future Past the Sentinels were a god force that required more than conventional means to be defeated. Mystique is of importance in the X-Men comic storyline. But she is stretched beyond plausibility just like Black Widow in the Avengers. These B-grade and C-grade marvel woman super heros/ villains are being upgraded to their male equivalents. The five most powerful women in Marvel aren’t the ones being showcased.

    1)Scalet Witch Jean Grey
    2)Emma Frost Dagger
    3)She Hulk Rogue Captain Marvel
    4)Storm
    5)Spider Woman Mystique

    Back to the movie. Tons of exposition. Which is ultimately needed in this type of movie. Lots of nods to the comic fans which all failed. And ALL the movie moments failed like BEAST over-emphasizing there were only three network channels in 1973 plus PBS. The gross mistake saying the Vietnam Conflict ended in 1973 when it was 1975. Why is that an issue because I still had family members over there between 73-75. Plus all the past events that took place only one event effected the future. Mystique’s decision to do or not to do. That was the deciding factor.

    The only good parts I enjoyed were QuickSilver’s running sequences. And some of the kill sequences the Sentinel’s preformed. Also the look of the first generation Sentinels.

    I can only suggest this movie if you’re a die hard fan of X-men otherwise wait for Netflix to air it.