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Genre: Horror
Premise (from writer): A strange old man tells scary campfire stories to two young boys. But who is the man, why are the boys in the stories and where are their parents?
Why You Should Read (from writer): Early in the year, you wrote a couple of posts, the gist being – You want to stand out in the current spec market? You need to take risks. So, I sucked up that advice, threw caution to the wind and the result is this very different little horror script. It takes the sort of structural and narrative risks I normally wouldn’t.
Writer: Ashley Sanders
Details: 86 pages


For a real mind-fuck, Michael Shannon should play EVERY CHARACTER in this movie!


Every horror film needs it.

But how much atmosphere is too much?

The most atmospheric horror movie of all time is probably Suspiria. Story is placed on the back burner in favor of terrifying imagery and eerie music. And it works like cheese on tacos. You don’t forget that movie after you’ve seen it.

Which I’m guessing was Ashley’s inspiration here. She says in her WYSR that she wanted to move away from convention. As long as you have a solid understanding of storytelling, I encourage this.

But what I often find happens to a writer going off on one of these “experimental” journeys is that they embrace the “fuck it” attitude a little too excitedly. It’s as if they think NOTHING should make sense, less the script fall back into the dreaded “c” word (convention).

But even when you’re writing something different, you still need to follow some rules. Just like if you wanted to build a house that nobody’s built before, there are still some common things you’ll need to add – like walls.

Small Slices walked that line a little too liberally and while there’s some good stuff here, I’m not sure there are enough walls to keep it from falling down.

The script takes place in a forest at night, with a man known simply as “the storyteller” telling two brothers, Mark (7), and Tom (9), (both played by Michael Shannon), a series of scary stories.

The stories center on a family led by shady businessman David and his trophy wife, Sara, who have two kids named, you guessed it, Mark and Tom.

One day, the couple receives a mysterious grandfather clock in the mail. While their initial inclination is to turn it away, the thing looks so old and interesting that they figure it might be worth some money, so they keep it.

Tick tock. Bad move.

Every night at 4:20 AM, the doors to the clock open and some creepy cardboard puppet-kids come out and do a little creepy dance. This is followed by the sound of scratching, which eventually moves beyond the clock and into the walls of the house, resulting in a lot of spooked out family members trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Occasionally, we’ll break out of this story to come back to the Storyteller, who will tell little side stories about the characters, some of which turn them into different people doing inexplicable things.

One of my favorites was when Sara walks through the park to see a man standing next to tree with a bunch of whining dogs tied up to it. It turns out the man is digging a hole to bury the dogs in. He asks for Sara’s help, and she obliges.

But as the hole gets deeper, the man disappears, and the park’s residents, furious that this woman has stolen all their dogs and was planning to bury them, proceed to bury Sara alive! Yeah, talk about creepy!

Eventually, our family gets rid of the grandfather clock, but by then, it’s too late. The clock’s scratch-happy inhabitant has moved into the walls. And he’s not leaving until he turns a few family members into clock pie.

Just from this synopsis, you can tell there’s some fertile horror ground to play with.

But the script’s over-dependence on dream sequences made it hard to stay interested in. Dream sequences don’t fit well into movies. You should avoid them like gas station hot dogs. The few that succeed, though, tend to be of the horror variety. That’s because you can throw some creepy shit in a dream sequence and people will be scared.

However, if that’s all you’re doing, after awhile, the audience will pull ahead of you. They figure out your trick and get a general sense of what you’re going to do before you do. Once the audience is ahead of the writer, the movie’s dead. You can’t allow the audience to lead the parade.

For instance, we get a late scene where David is on a subway train and you just know he’s going to see something creepy (in this case, a woman with a weird screaming baby-face). Cause that’s how all these dream sequences have been.

1) Character enters location.
2) Something feels off about location.
3) They see something creepy.

The reason my favorite scene in the script was the Sarah-buried-alive scene was because it went against this formula. It was a different scenario that we weren’t used to.

This is something writers should be concerned about across all genres. Are they repeating themselves? Because if you’re repeating yourself in any aspect of the story, you’re giving the reader the opportunity to get ahead of you.

As I’ve said before, your job as a writer is to constantly monitor what you think the reader is expecting so you can give them something different. Use their expectations against them!

There’s a reason The Shining is more popular than movies like Suspiria and Jacob’s Ladder. All three films are good in their own way. But The Shining puts the most thought into its story. I strongly believe that audiences want to be led somewhere. They want you to take them. And if the rules get too blurry along the way, you lose them. Or at least, you lose a lot of them.

You also want to keep in mind that while this would probably make a really cool looking movie (there’s some creepy-ass imagery, that’s for sure), horror directors are experts in coming up with creepy-ass imagery. They don’t need you to achieve this part of the puzzle. What they don’t have, however, is the ability to come up with a captivating story. That’s where they’re weakest and so that’s your main way to tempt them. Give them a story they can’t say no to.

With that said, there’s something interesting about the writing here. There are some strong moments (the aforementioned buried-alive scene). I loved how Ashley SHOWED instead of TOLD in a lot of places. It’s just that, on the whole, it felt a little half-baked. You finish and get the sense that the fireplace storyline wasn’t thought through at all. You could’ve created some real tension in those scenes and punctuated it with a nice end-of-the-movie twist. Instead, the kids just go back into their tents and call it a night.

But hey, nobody said this screenwriting stuff was easy. Ashley’s got the tools. I’d like to see her use those tools to build a better foundation though.

Script link: Small Slices

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Beware the dream sequence in any of its forms. And if you are going to use it, use it sparingly. Most readers/audiences will get impatient if too much of the story is told in a formless state. Solid foundation-based storytelling is the way to go. Trust me!

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Oh wow!! Michael Shannon looks like he’s in a Hitchcock movie. What an amazing photo of him.

  • Randy Williams

    For me, Ms. Sanders has the talent to captivate readers. I hope we have the pleasure of reading more of her work here.

    I thought as a fable to read, it works. The juxtaposition of a larger than life mythology of hell and an intimate family tortured by a Bernie Madoff type father.
    I wrote a similar subject script. The offending father had committed suicide after his financial crimes were revealed and the mother had blacked out from everything that had happened and had forgotten what she and the small town around her had done to protect her small son from his father’s betrayal. So, on that AOW, I might have been trying to bend this script more in the direction of keeping it on the family and eliminating the mythology, because of how I approached it. Also, the final mythological reveal as written doesn’t specifically relate for me to the private, personal hell of this particular family. It seemed to end up as an indictment from us the public. People end up in hell for a variety of reasons. I probably will end up there for pulling my sister’s hair until she cried and felt elated doing so.

    The logline hooked me to read this script first in the line-up that weekend. Who is the man? Why are the boys in the stories? Where are the parents? All questions answered in the end, but personally I was left unsatisfied. I guess, again, I wanted the family to be the be all and end all. I suggested on that weekend that perhaps the man telling the stories is one of the grown sons explaining why he did what he did as a boy to protect his family.
    Another thing is the violence against the son in the closet is so disturbing that it numbed my brain so much that the final pages took some work to digest.

    Anyway, Ms. Sanders got some great notes that weekend and some great advice here today. Congrats for making it on AF!

  • Sebastian Cornet

    The scene with the creepy guy digging a hole for the dogs sounds amazing. So why on God’s green earth wasn’t that the first scene of the script? Or at least something similarly creepy?

    What did we get instead? A mundane, run-of-the-mill horror scene of a woman being stalked by some “creepy” (not to say cliched) type monster.

    Early scenes are supposed to build anticipation. The digging-the-hole scene would have created MAJOR anticipation. It would have said that this writer has something different to offer, and something meaningful, as well, maybe a brief discourse on human nature and its inclination to point fingers rather than seek actual justice. I would have known this writer can pull off that increasingly rare combo: to entertain and make you think deeply at the same time.

    I suppose the problem is that if you fire on all cylinders right at the start, you have to keep the momentum going for another 85 pages or so, and to constantly top oneself is too hard. Hell, most of us feel blessed if we come up with ONE or TWO really great scenes. The idea of stringing dozens of them together is daunting.

    But a wise man once said that this screenwriting stuff wasn’t easy, so there you go.

  • Bifferspice

    congrats to Ashley. this sounds pretty interesting, i’ll check it out.

    • Billie B

      For what it’s worth, if you go into it expecting ‘Mulholland Drive as a horror’ rather than ‘Freddy K wide release blockbuster’ I think you’ll find a deeper appreciation for the script.

  • Poe_Serling

    A BIG congrats to Ashley for scoring this week’s AF Slot. It’s great to see the horror anthology revived… at least for a day or so here on SS.

    Horror Anthology Films…

    As a kid, I loved them. In fact, I would search them out and rent them by the handful from my local video stores.

    Eye-catching titles such as:

    Black Sabbath, Creepshow, Trilogy of Terror, Tales from the Crypt, Asylum, The House That Dripped Blood, Vault of Horror, and a slew of others.

    Here’s the thing…

    Even back then, I soon realized it was extremely difficult to build and maintain viewer interest across several different tales. There always seemed to be one or two segments that kinda sucked the air out of the narrative flow.

    My gold standard for this type of horror film – Dead of Night (1945) – even had this problem.

    After opening with a compelling framing story and three chilling segments (involving a premonition, a children’s party, a haunted mirror), the film hits the brakes with a ghostly comedy segment about two golfing partners. Then it gets back on track with a standout segment involving a ventriloquist’s dummy named Hugo.

    So, I applaud Ashley for tackling such a tricky concept to pull off.

  • Linkthis83

    Congrats to the writer. There’s a lot of promise in this script/story. I don’t feel it delivered as is, but there’s a great story in here. One that would transition to the screen easily. This is one of the few scripts I’ve opened where I wanted to know how it played out. Good luck to you, Ashley, with all sincerity.

  • Ashley Sanders

    Can I just give Carson a MASSIVE thank you for reviewing my script – it’s a big deal for me. There’s plenty for me to chew over in the review and it gives me clear areas I need to re-think. Combined with the community feedback this has been a really positive experience for me and will fuel my rewrite.
    I had three ideas I wanted to explore going into this script and one of those was to see if I could infuse the script with an queasy dream-like quality that unsettled the audience/ reader but without going off the rails completely and still wrapping the script up to a satisfying conclusion.
    It’s something I thought might work for horror (I was thinking of David Lynch a lot while I wrote this) – but I’m starting to understand why I haven’t seen this attempted too often before and it looks like I’ve come unstuck.
    A moralistic horror with a nightmare structure was never going to be an easy sell – even if I’d managed it better than I did.
    Thanks again for the review. This has been a great learning experience for me.
    Quick plug:
    If Carson’s not sick of my writing yet and wants to see something more traditional – I’ve got a more conventional horror script in the Scriptshadow 250 called Theatre Square. It’s a cracker.

    • klmn

      Good luck in the 250. I hope you come in second, after me of course.

    • Billie B

      Hi Ashley, this was a thoroughly entertaining and well written script, and for all its nonconformity, I think you pulled it off. The biggest hurdle would be finding someone who shared your vision for the project, as I think it would be reader dependent on whether someone thought, ‘WTF did I just read?’ or ‘This is could be brilliant’. I loved the Twighlight Zone vibe meets Lynchonian surrealism (yes, that was a David Lynch reference LOL). I could totally see this on the screen.


      My only note would be to consider implying a happier ending in the afterlife for the young boys. They’re innocents. You setup that the Storyteller has a brother ‘more of the light’, so I think a mention at the same time that they’ll meet him soon enough, and maybe once more before bed, a mention again that his brother will be there to guide them out of there in the morning… or something along the lines of this, would have been an extra dose of ACT 3 satisfaction. But overall, well done! I’m sure your straightforward horror will do great in the 250. If you feel like sharing it, I’d love to take a look:


  • klmn


    Chimpanzees love horror films, research finds

    Horror is possibly the most divisive film genres: people either absolutely love the thrills or can’t bear the thought of sitting through two hours of the Exorcist without breaking into a minor sweat.

    According to researchers in Japan, Chimpanzees fall into the first group. When shown a ‘horror’ film, featuring an actor dressed as a King Kong attacking a human, the selected Chimps watched on intensely, neither covering their eyes nor accepting treats as they may distract from the viewing…

    So for those of you who really like horror, you might want to have yourself checked by an anthropologist.

    I’m just sayin’…

    • klmn

      Here’s the video. The red dots show where the chimps were looking on each of the two viewings.

      • Randy Williams

        The next video was more educational. “Jeopardy” contestant tricks Alex Trebeck into saying “Turd”.

        • klmn

          Yeah, but it cost her $600.

          That’s a pretty expensive turd.

          • Mike.H

            I’ll guess it was Turd Ferguson.

  • Wijnand Krabman

    I trust you carson but don’t see why you shouldn’t use dream sequentses in a script. In fact its a great way to jump through the story. It should not be used to desotientate the reader like in Jacobs ladder,. Using Dreams can be an instrument to make the narrative stronger making it possible to use locations which are off story and showing deeper emotions. Like to mention my submission for the ss250

    • Scott Crawford

      I had some problems shooting that film (Someone to Love). I was having trouble with the crew. I’d select a certain camera set up, and the crew would argue with me saying that if we shot the film this or that way it wouldn’t cut. So I told Orson (Welles) this and he simply told me: “Tell them it’s a dream sequence…” So I did that and the crew starts to fall over themselves to help me… So by telling them it was to be a dream sequence he understood that it would free that person up to be creative, because they associate dreams with something unreal – where everything is possible. – Henry Jaglom

  • ElectricDreamer

    After finishing the script, I felt it lacked a crucial element: COMEUPPANCE.

    I never felt like David was enough of a jerk-off to warrant enjoying his torment by ghastly dreams for half the script. The best horror anthology ditties (CREEPSHOW) give us truly despicable characters that we love to watch suffer a horrific fate for their crimes against the innocent. Infidelity. Murder. Greed. Jealousy. All juicy character motivators that were used to great effect during the golden age of E.C. Comics. I never felt David deserved what happened to him.

    However, if David was a true corporate shark with no family values, then I could see one of his victims sending him the cursed clock. These kinds of stories live and die by how much the reader wants to see your protag get what they deserve. Good luck, you’re very talented.

  • scriptfeels

    I thought the scene where the mother digs a hole for a man was too far fetched for me. It works as far as creepy imagery goes, and the twist with the people burying the mother is a great ending to that dream sequence, but I felt like it was one of the parts of the script that seemed out of place to me because the mother was the main character during that sequence and her part in the story is far less involved than the children and father. Although it was the only dream sequence for her so kudos for making her stick out as a character from it.

    As Carson said “But the script’s over-dependence on dream sequences made it hard to stay interested in.” I felt that way about this sequence in particular, but liked the other sequences more because I thought the characters were more involved in the story. They also hinted at the main story line of SPOILERS*the father murdering the family* during the ending and made the creepy family reunion at the end seem less out of the blue because we’ve been reading dream sequences throughout the script.

    I was interested to see what Carson’s take on the ending would be and was a little disappointed he didn’t read into the script or have his own interpretation of the hotel and butcher character and the family’s role with the clock. Although I completely agree with what Carson said in relation to the kids going back to their tent. We wanted something more out of that as well.

    After reading the script, I expected people to come away with their interpretation of the horror mystery revolving around the clock, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Maybe make the anthology or mystery around the clock more clear to readers in the third act along with viscerel imagery so that its clear what happens to the father and mother in the hotel for example. I liked it how it is, but i’d make it simpler and more clear for other readers based on the feedback from other people. Thoughts?

    Overall, Really happy that Carson reviewed Small Slices. A big congrats to the writer, I really enjoyed it as a read and liked it more than other scripts I’ve read which have been movies. It really stood out as an AF contender and hope to Ashley’s success as a writer.

  • Levres de Sang

    Excited to see Carson write: “The most atmospheric horror movie of all time is probably Suspiria.” Personally, I love that opening scene (complete with V.O.) when Suzy Banyon walks through the airport…

    Anyway, Congratulations to Ashley! I will try and pick up from where I left off on AOW.

  • Lumi

    Hey Ashley, this is a cool script. Don’t give up on this one. I think this has potential to actually sell as is. Rewrites can always be done as the process moves along.

    • Billie B

      Agreed. I actually felt it could sell as is, too. And I rarely say that about amateur scripts. I feel it’s the type of film a director with the right vision could take and run with. The right Director’s going to want take a director’s pass at it, anyway. Or at least have his own notes if he kept Ashley on for first rewrite.

      • Ashley Sanders

        Thank you that’s very nice to hear, I appreciate all the comments. I’ve got great guidance for a rewrite. Billie B’s comment about the end is something I will fix for sure. Thank you again. A

  • carsonreeves1

    End of the month will be when all 250 entrants are contacted. Hang tight! :)

    • klmn

      Good thing, too. The natives are getting restless.

  • Eddie Panta


    Carson’s advice below was plain and simple, stay away from creepy visual moments and stick to story, fair enough, but this whole script was about — STORY TELLING!

    To me what was missing, what horror directors/producers are really looking for is CHARACTER. There’s thousands of stories out there, especially horror ones. If horror directors want anything it’s a cool, new creepy character, the next Freddie, they all have their own scripts/ stories anyway.

    If you look at SMALL SLICES, the character, our story teller, is intro’d like this…

    On one sits an old man (60s), his thread-bare overcoat
    wrapped tight round him. This is the STORYTELLER.

    TWO BOYS sit on a log on the opposite side of the fire,
    watching him.

    Umh .. Okay.. I guess sorta generic.

    I’m neither afraid of this guy, nor am I scared of this guy, he’s no where near as captivating, unique, or subversive as the Crypt Keeper. Also, TWO BOYS sit on a log… is not pulling me in or telling me that this is a contemporary horror story.

    This is a traditional format with nontraditional dreamscape segments, these stories aren’t campfire stories, they’re full narratives that would put you to sleep around the campfire.
    There’s no sense of the storyteller’s VOICE, his style! What are the rules of the campfire stories? What are the penalties if you don’t head their warnings?

    You also want to keep in mind that while this would probably make a
    really cool looking movie (there’s some creepy-ass imagery, that’s for
    sure), horror directors are experts in coming up with creepy-ass
    imagery. They don’t need you to achieve this part of the puzzle. What
    they don’t have, however, is the ability to come up with a captivating

  • Midnight Luck

    Hey Ashley,
    Congrats on getting a Friday spot and the coverage.

    I really wish I could give some good guidance and help on what to do, or what is needed.

    I will give it a shot, but sadly I have only read about 10 pages.
    But, in those ten pages I can see some issues which stopped me.

    First, the opening sequence doesn’t grab our attention in a real way.
    Second, within those ten pages we don’t get a feel for who this story is really about, and what their personal, and life “issues” are.

    The better the horror story, the more “personal” it is. A really good, terrifying story, a real creep-fest is a personal story. We need to be vested in that person and what they are going through. We need to be worried and scared for them. In order to do that, we need to know something about them, we need to care about them, we need to want something for them.

    So we get two boys, but we also get a storyteller, we also get the opener couple, then we switch to a new story with the high-rise guy.

    If you want to make a movie with multiple vignettes like a Twilight Zone movie, the key to making these work is, each story has to be incredibly captivating, and self contained. Like a short movie. A movie condensed into a small time span. Same kind of arcs, same character building and discovery, just much faster with no fat whatsoever.

    I am not sure yours is doing this. Honestly, as soon as we switch to the Storyteller sitting on a log with the boys, it instantly feels slow and like we are postponing getting to the “Story”, so there is going to be a lot of “Fat” that could be cut.

    I would change how the story is told. Get away from the “guy telling stories around a campfire”, unless it is done so uniquely and with such a specific purpose it cannot be removed, not just as a way to tell multiple stories.

    And, find us a character we HAVE TO follow. Someone we must know and be involved with, and help us get to know them as quickly as possible.

    Good job, and I wish the best for you now and in the future.

  • GoIrish

    Read to p. 20. Horror is not really my genre, so mostly nitpicky comments:

    p.1 – a little thrown off by having a chained door in a “guest house.” Then on p. 2, when Fay looks down the corridor, the doors are numbered. When I hear “guest house,” I think Kato Kaelin. I think Magnum, PI. This sounds like an inn or a lodge. Perhaps my definition of guest house is too narrow.

    p. 2 – I stumbled over the monster/man section. I recall someone commenting on this as well during AOW. Would be good to clarify that they are same.

    p. 4 – I’m sure this would be much better with actors on screen, but I couldn’t help but see a Scary Movie parody with Fay clamping her eyes shut and saying, “I can’t see you. You can’t hurt me.” as the monster repeatedly stabbed her.

    Also, once I started viewing her room like an inn/lodge that she was renting, I automatically envisioned the phone having a cord. So, I was wondering if the cord was stretched out as she approached the door.

    p. 5 – “Got it!” she exclaims, but then she “slowly, silently” tries to inch the door shut. I may have unnecessarily added an “exclaims” but just pointing out one interpretation, which makes the slowly shutting of the door seem pointless.

    p. 8 – “…from ITS display block…”

    p. 8 – David’s hesitancy to take the pensions seems to contrast somewhat with his initial description of “every inch the corporate shark.”

    p. 11 – when are the English going to learn English? kerb vs. curb

    p. 12 – “A flood of uniform children RUSHES…” (or “IS RUSHING”)

    p. 19 – “A couple of empty wine bottles LIES…”

    p. 20 – “Effortless in ITS pursuit.”

  • Poe_Serling

    “We start this story in the midst of a story within the story. Not knowing whats going on… then we find out its a story being told by the old man at a campfire. So
    we’ve entered the movie mid short story which has no satisfying beginning or ending. And after a ten second intro to the boys and old man at the campfire we switch to another story…”

    Excellent points.

    My go-to example of OLD MAN telling a story around a campfire to kids:

    John Carpenter’s THE FOG

    The scene opens on ‘gold’ pocket watch. The time 11:55. Next:

    Eleven fifty-five… Almost midnight.
    Enough time for one more story.

    From here, Carpenter sets the tone and direction of the film in the next two pages of the script:

    >>Tone – a lonely section of the beach in the middle of the night. An ominous old SEA CAPTAIN and a bunch of kids huddle around a glowing fire.

    >>Direction of the story – Machen proceeds to tell the kids the local tale of the gold-bearing clipper ship the Elizabeth Dane that crashed against the rocks near Antonio Bay. Then he connects it to them with this simple line:

    … but it was a campfire, like this one… the campfire
    guided them toward Spivey Point the wrong way, toward
    the breakers.

    So, Carpenter smartly and efficiently uses one ghost story (the film’s backstory) to kick off the even bigger one to follow.

    And THE FOG is already rolling in by page 3.

    • grendl

      To have a “storyteller” telling an incomplete story, and then having the two boys say “tell us another” when the first one doesn’t seem complete was the first misstep of this screenplay.

      What about that story would suggest it was finished?

      When Large Marge told Pee Wee Herman her story, we knew when it was over ( punctuated by her head almost comically exploding ). It was the worst accident she’d ever seen.

      This first story just ends with a woman getting sucked out a room after being warned about not peeking at a Monster.

      The short story has to sound complete for us to move on to a new one. The boys should be grilling the Old Man with questions instead of asking for another one.

      The writer needs to actually develop the story within the story satisfactorily in order to build credibility and trust not only in the Old Man, but in herself.

      I think this board is getting a little soft on these submissions. Which is fine, but then again we’re not here to coddle one another.

      • carsonreeves1

        Yeah, that moment threw me as well. I was like, “Wait, why are we breaking out of this story and into another one for no reason.”

        • Randy Williams

          I thought that’s what dreams do, and for me that’s why they are often so hellish. I liked it.

        • Malibo Jackk

          Though it might work better — have the storyteller shown telling the last few lines of the story.

  • Scott Crawford

    It’s “you’re” not “your”. And there are two L’s in troll.

  • Monique B

    Congrats to Ashley! Sounds like the kind of feedback that should inspire a re-write, not a trip to the garbage bin.

  • Kirk Diggler

    OT: Thought this was cool as … earth. A guy decides to build a ‘to scale’ model of our solar system. Pretty cool video if you got 6-7 minutes to kill.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Way cool.

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Wowowow o.O Huge space lover here ^^
      If only all the people with a LOT of free time would do something with that time instead of posting über narcissistic duck face selfies, the internet would be a better place.
      Thank you for this :)

      • AstralAmerican

        Beautifully stated and very much agree.

    • On a Bender

      That’s a cool video.

      I just watched a cool one too.

      Movies and Dancing.

      100 Movies Dance Scenes Mashup (Mark Ronson-Uptown Funk ft.Bruno Mars

  • carsonreeves1

    Whenever you’re talking straight screenwriting, I agree with you 99% of the time.