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Genre: Comedy
Premise (from writer): To save his scandal-plagued career, a sex-addicted footy star enters an experimental Swedish rehab facility that is actually a castle of machismo-draining vampires.
Why You Should Read (from writer): You’ve read the title, right?
Writer: Scott Robert Chamberlain
Details: 99 pages

Lesbian-Vampire-Killers-myanna-buring-21719465-605-402

Whoa. This Amateur Offerings was TOUGH. Four scripts received equal mention in the AF comments section. Lost Continent, Swedish Lesbian Vampire, The Tallest Darkest Leading Man, and Code Black. I don’t know if the competition was too stiff or too easy, but I kind of wish someone would’ve mixed all of them into a super script. Code-Breaking Black Lesbian Vampires Confuse Sweden for The Lost Continent. That’s a movie I’d see tomorrow.

Let it be known that I TRIED to read Lost Continent. And the writing was good! But my focus was so zapped from two unrelated scripts earlier in the day, I kept having to go back and re-read every name and city twice (with them being ancient and unfamiliar and all). After that occurred a dozen times, I was like, “This is going to take me forever!” So what did I do? You better believe I asked Swedish Lesbian Vampire to the dance. I was fully expecting her to make me buy a corset. But this girl was an easy date. All I had to do was show up (IQ not required). How did the dance turn out? Did I get laid? (this analogy is starting to get weird). Read on to find out!

Asking “What’s the plot” to a movie called “Swedish Lesbian Vampire Wonderland,” is kind of like asking, “What are the ingredients?” in mashed potatoes. In fact, you can pretty much excise the “L” from “plot” when you’re dealing with a script like this, and just light up a doobie.

But for those curious, there ARE a series of events happening in a cause and effect manner here, indicating a loose definition of the word “plot.” And so I’ll do my best to relay said events to you.

Blake is a dude. A football dude. He’s a star player football dude. But what he’s really a star of is banging.

Blake loves the mamacitas. Well, he loves each of them for ten minutes, but then he loves another one. And then another one. Let’s be honest. Blake is a slut. He smashes and dashes. But one night it all catches up to him when he bangs an entire sorority house, and the girls sue him for sexual harassment.

Blake’s told by his lawyer that they’ll drop the suit if he goes to rehab, so Blake heads to one of the best rehab facilities in the world, some Swedish castle place filled with sex-crazed lesbians.

Blake takes his pot-smoking less talented little brother, Dave-O, and off they go, Blake to meet his rehab stay quota and Dave-O to prove this place is a sham. When they arrive, they’re greeted by a bunch of gorgeous women who seem to have the magic touch. Every man under their care is turned into a docile loving commitment-centric partner.

But Blake and Dave-O figure out quickly that they’re achieving these results with the vampire equivalent of a ponzi scheme. If you don’t acquiesce, they turn you into vampires. If you do acquiesce… they turn you into……. Vampires? I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure when they turned you into vampires and when they didn’t. I just knew we didn’t want Blake or Dave-O to be turned into vampires.

There’s a sort-of queen vampire chick who wants to take Blake down. There’s a hot vampire chick that kind of likes him. And then there’s “the one that got away,” Blake’s true love from childhood (who’s ironically, a virgin) back home. She’s getting married next week so Blake figures if he can just get out of here alive with his brother (or without him, it doesn’t really matter), he’ll do the right thing, marry the girl of his dreams, and live happily ever after.

A script like this has one quota to hit. It has to be fun. That’s all. It doesn’t matter how the writer achieves this. Whether you’re a Blake Snyder beat sheet maniac or you’re a first-timer following your instincts: Be fun. We’re happy.

But here’s the catch. There’s a big difference between the writer having fun and the script being fun. Just because the writer’s having the time of his life doesn’t mean that’s translating to the page. But that’s exactly what the writer assumes. It’s one of the 7 great screenwriting paradoxes. You want to have fun. Just not for yourself.

So where does the fun land with Swedish Lesbian? It’s hard to say. I know that I wasn’t laughing a lot, and I was trying to figure out why. Let’s look at the first scene. A guy bangs a girl, then walks into another room and bangs 12 girls. Then we’re told he’s a sex-addict and needs help.

It all felt a little too on-the-nose for me. He’s a sex addict and then he’s just banging an entire sorority. There was nothing surprising about it. Then again, if I were playing devil’s advocate, I’d say, “That’s the point. That’s what’s funny. It’s over-the-top.” Okay, I thought. So let’s say it’s funny. Why am I still not laughing?

Let’s look at Blake, our main character. Blake is a guy who seems upset by the fact that his life is complicated by being able to bang too many women. This is the man we’re being asked to root for, to relate to. A man who feels bothered by having too much pussy. Hmmm. Not sure I feel bad for the guy.

This is why most comedies follow underdogs, because it’s a lot easier to care about underdogs. That’s not to say asshole main character comedies don’t work. There’s something we enjoy about seeing the jerk get what’s coming to him. But without that “connection” factor between the main character and the audience, it’s always more of a risk.

The battle between writer and reader is usually won or lost early on. If the reader likes the main character and likes the setup, there’s a good chance you have them for the rest of the script. If they don’t, you’ve probably lost them, no matter what you do from that point on (a point I know I make a lot – but I want to drive home how important this is).

It certainly didn’t help that the rest of the setup didn’t make sense. Our main character, Blake, is a womanizer. He’s going to be sued by a bunch of girls he banged for harassment unless he goes to rehab. So the rehab he goes to is a sex-crazed lesbian wonderland? Does this make sense to anyone? I know a character brings the preposterousness of this up: “I know it sounds weird. But trust us.” Still, I would’ve made the rehab a giant secret. It’s only when Blake gets there that he sees all the hot women and wonders what’s going on.

But yeah, once we get to the castle/wonderland, there’s a clever little “Alice In Wonderland” theme going on. But things start to get redundant pretty quickly. We’re running away from lesbian vampires. And then we’re running away from more lesbian vampires. And then we’re…you guessed it… running away from more lesbian vampires. It’s funny in a silly “you definitely need to be stoned to read this” sort of way. But again, since I never connected with Blake, I didn’t care what happened to him amongst all this chasing.

Of course, this brings up the obvious question: does it matter? I mean, you’re going to have half-naked lesbians running around for 100 minutes. Is 15 year old Timmy who secretly rented this on Itunes going to say to his Tinder-obsessed best friend Char-Dog, “Well Charry-Dee, I certainly would’ve enjoyed that more had they included a better mid-point twist. Alas, they did not, and the second act really fell apart as a result.” Probably not.

But I would warn Scott not to depend too heavily on the T&A factor. Outside of the concept, these scripts still need fun characters that we give a shit about. And having an entitled asshole who’s whining about the fact that he can’t bang more girls leading your story might need some tweaking. If there’s any way to make him more likable, do it. Or maybe make underdog Dave-O the main character? And Blake the co-star? Food for thought. That reminds me. I need a snack. Got the munchies for some reason.

Script link: Swedish Lesbian Vampire Wonderland

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The setup of your main character and the setup of your plot are the two most important things about your first act. Unless you nail both, there’s a good chance your reader won’t be interested in reading on.

  • SinclareRose

    I don’t know why, but since I first read the logline for SLVW and started reading the script, I kept associating it with Cannibal Woman in the Avocado Jungle of Death:An oldie, but a goodie!!
    Congrats, Scott, on the AoW review!!!!

    • Scott Chamberlain

      Thank you, Sinclare

  • Scott Chamberlain

    Wow. 10pm in Oz so I get this little treat before going to bed. Didn’t expect this. Thought Code Black would have got the nod.

    Thanks for the review, Carson. I really appreciate it. This script actually did reasonably well on Black List (8s and 7s) until anonymous reviews torpedoed it and I pulled it, so it’s fantastic to get more insight into why it might not be connecting.

    Look forward to further reactions from the SS community.

    Cheers

    • Scott Crawford

      Disappointing to hear about those “anonymous reviews”; do you think you were deliberately sabotaged, Amazon-style?

      I’d be disappointed if that’s the case.

      • Craig Mack

        Hey guys, as someone who uses the BL extensively — non purchased reviews do not factor into your ‘final’ scores. They are just there for shits and giggles — and feedback.

        Now the main problem with the BL is that the readers are SO all over the place… The Devil’s Hammer, for instance had 4 SOLID 7’s with a few 8’s tossed in. Top Lists, etc.

        And someone gave me a 3…. called the screenplay ‘icky’ — that’s a direct quote. If you are paying for a professional review ‘icky’ should not be in the review.

        That being said, it’s a good service, but VERY hit or miss.

        C

        • Randy Williams

          Agree with you, wholeheartedly, but I want to date the reviewer who uses “icky”.

          • Craig Mack

            Ill set you up! I think it was the same person that passed on the TDH at Millennium. The reviews were soooo similar.

        • Scott Crawford

          Thanks for the clarification. I don’t use BL myself, but it has a HIGH reputation.

        • Bluedust

          Craig, just curious if you’ve gotten more industry heat from BL or from contests?

          • Craig Mack

            Actually, most heat I’ve generated has been from cold queries that REFERENCE my high Black List placements and competitions. It’s really ANYTHING that catches their eye and says “not a COMPLETE HACK”

            After my SS review, I had a request from a large production company (passed), and two managers that were interested that I didn’t think were great ‘fits’.

            Overall, I’ve received two firm OPTIONS on TDH (I passed on both), I have another producer that has been shopping it for me on a verbal the last month….

            Hard Time has an ‘option’ on the table right now… again, not sure I want to give up the rights so soon. ( i dont even think the script is ‘ready’)

            I spend half my time selling/ the other writing.

            C

          • Scott Chamberlain

            Awesome!

          • Malibo Jackk

            “I have another producer that has been shopping it for me on a verbal the last month….”

            Who is he shopping it to?
            Directors? Specific studios? Studios in general?

          • Craig Mack

            Specific studios — larger studios. Looking for the 3-5m range, which is difficult for Horror right now. As Mentioned below, got panned by Millennium last week, out at two more this week. Fingers crossed.

        • Nicholas J

          And someone gave me a 3…. called the screenplay ‘icky’

          Bahaha that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.

          • Craig Mack

            I mean it is ‘icky’, but can’t we be a LITTLE more professional if I’m paying for the review… Please?

        • JNave

          Not a fan of the BL. I have used it twice and not sure I ever will again. Had a contest placing script that received a Recommend from a reputable coverage service that got straight 4’s on the BL. Every category, 4’s. Come on, you can’t find a single aspect of the script that’s not exactly a 4? And I found some of the comments bizarre and counter to what most readers have said. Like they just went in with a bad attitude and skimmed it. Yes, it’s a subjective game, but put in some effort if you’re getting paid.

          • Craig Mack

            I agree… They pay their readers WAY TOO little for an accurate review… Like I said ALL subjective…

      • Scott Chamberlain

        No, not all. Nothing deliberate. I don’t want to be seen to have suggested that. After your paid reviews people who read your script can rate it. You just never get any notes to explain their rating, so its kinda disempowering.

        I like the BL set-up. But it’s for when you don’t want any more feedback.

        • Scott Crawford

          It’s been clarified. I’ve seen problems on other sites. I’ll be going to bed soon. Night-night, everyone.

    • IgorWasTaken

      I agree with Scott.

      Have you contacted the BL support people about this? “Hey. Someone is way off here – either your readers or the anonymous ones…”

      • cjob3

        I’ve had it happen. I wrote to the webmaster and apparently some of the readers can give just a rating without a review.

        • Scott Crawford

          I don’t WANT to believe that screenwriters are like that.

          • For The Lulz

            I may be paranoid here, but….I don’t know.

            Some readers on the
            blacklist are bound to be aspiring screenwriters themselves. For the
            most part I’ve had a good experience from the action readers (8s and
            9s). However, I uploaded a RomCom last year (with a pretty original
            premise if I’m not being humble). I repeatedly got 5/6’s. Fair enough, maybe
            it needed work.

            I extensively re-wrote it using notes, and
            re-uploaded (wiping the slate clean) I got an 8 rating from an industry
            professional. But then I got a 3 rating from the BL reviewer, the day
            after re-upload, and less than 2 hours after the reader downloaded it.
            That’s the fastest I’ve ever got a review from the BL, lol.

            The
            review was filled with errors and, to be honest, really bizarre,
            superficial reasons to it mark down (a one-scene character should have a
            real name instead of a job title???) Very different/inferior to most BL
            reviews I’d received. The same ‘8-rated/3-rated’ script went on to
            reach the QF (Top 10%) of PAGE. Guess which rating I’m taking seriously.

            Sometimes,
            in my darker moments, I think because I took the script down and
            re-uploaded, I may have gotten the same reader from before the re-write,
            and the said reader may have got ‘inspired’ and had their own similar
            script in the works, and was trying to demoralize/derail mine. Or maybe the reader was just a lazy p***k.

            Still, when
            I looked at the judging process for PAGE and saw that ”Professional
            Screenwriters and Screenwriting Consultants’ would be judging the QF
            stage, I had a weird pitfall in my stomach. Almost a gut feeling that
            this was wrong. I mean, why would ‘Working Screenwriters’ have an
            interest in judging/discovering/highlighting quality scripts in their
            specialty genre for a high-profile contest that regularly gets writers signed. Would they want the potential competition
            for assignments, etc. If they saw a good script would they see it as
            deserving or as a threat?

            Again, I may just be paranoid here. Either way, all we can do is keep improving and writing the best scripts we can. Then hope for
            some good fortune when we send it out. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some questionable characters out there.

          • cjob3

            I’m not saying its sabotage. My scripts seem to be pretty polarizing. I was just looking at the reviews for Beyond Help with Handy Andy (sitcom). I got an 8,7, 6,6, 4,4,3. I still have no idea what to believe.

          • Nicholas J

            Anyone who gives Handy Andy below a 6 has no idea what they are doing. That script is great.

          • cjob3

            Thanks, man. Appreciate that.

          • Scott Crawford

            The trouble is – and has been on other sites – that a few 1 star reviews can DRAG down the average. Look at Amazon:
            http://www.forbes.com/sites/suwcharmananderson/2012/08/28/fake-reviews-amazons-rotten-core/

            I think that, I thought that, I hope that screenwriters don’t fall into that trap.

          • Randy Williams

            Can’t see anyone giving “Handy Andy” a low score because it’s “dirty”, like I could see them giving “Swedish Lesbian” And, people, screenwriters included, have the right to object to material they deem “questionable” but giving it a low score because of that is just plain dumb. I think in “Andy’s” case you might have hit a nerve with the family? Anyway, analyzing it will only drive you mad.

          • Casper Chris

            Wow, all over the map.

      • Nicholas J

        I’m confused. Are you saying that writers who have scripts up on the BL can give reviews as well? Not just the official BL reviewers? And the writers can give anonymous reviews?! Never used the site so I don’t know how it works, but that seems like a mess.

        • IgorWasTaken

          As I understand the BL system, pro readers (producers, managers, their assistants, etc.) can post scores for scripts. And yes, the scores are anonymous. Though, the BL staff knows who posted a score, and they say they can (and have) sometimes deleted scores when they determine there’s something fishy about them. All I know.

          • Lennox Snow

            Quick Question About BL Scores:

            I have several scripts on there and have never received a score higher than a 7, with most of my scores being a 5 with the occasional 6. However, I am a Nicholl Quarter Finalist, I currently have 2 scripts in Scriptapalooza Top 100, Blue Cat Quarter Finalist, and a Page Quarter Finalist.

            Are the BL scores just more competitive than these competitions and a 5 or 6 from a BL reader equals top 2-10% in these big competitions? Or am I doing something wrong here?

            I am certainly not suggesting the BL scores aren’t fair, I’m just trying to understand what they mean? Obviously, until I’m winning competitions and getting 9s and 10s it means I need to be a better writer I guess :)

          • For The Lulz

            In my experience there hasn’t been much of a correlation between BL scores and contest placements.

            I had a script that got a 5 and a 3 from BL reviewers (though it got an 8 from an Industry Professional) that placed in the QF of PAGE this year.

            On the other hand I had a script that got 8s and 9s on the BL that went nowhere in contests.

            As they say, it’s all subjective (and luck). All you can control is the quality of your script.

          • Lennox Snow

            Interesting. Do you think there is a certain ‘type’ of script that does better in contests than on the BL or vice versa?

          • For The Lulz

            Don’t think such a thing exists. I think it depends entirely on who’s reading it. What some people like, others hate. Everyone has a bias. My review of this script shows that, lol.

            What’s interesting about the BL and PAGE is that they assign readers who specialize and judge in specific genres. So maybe you would do better than in some contests where you don’t know if the reader is into the type of material you’re writing. But even then it’s still subjective.

            So in other words…..I don’t have a clue.

          • Nicholas J

            Oh it sounded like if I post my script for reviews, I am then able to anonymously give reviews on other people’s scripts, which would obviously lead to problems… Glad that doesn’t sound like the case.

        • Randy Williams

          Other writers can’t even read most scripts unless the writer leaves it open to download which is very rare, or puts an option for another writer to request it. “Pros” brought his score down.

          I think BL reviewers do contact “pro” members to take a look at a script and may even ask them to score it. As soon as a review came in for my script, I got a “pro” download when I didn’t have any before and the script was already off the recent scripts downloaded list. Someone notified that “pro”.

      • Scott Chamberlain

        Ok, back from sleep…

        I don’t want to suggest for a moment it was deliberately torpedoed. The work lived or died on its own merits. After your paid reviews others who ask to read your script can rate it. The problem is you just get the rating. You know what they thought but not why.

        Also, if your paid reviews are too divergent they offer you a further review for free, which I think is kinda cool.

    • John Bradley

      I have been away from commenting on SS for a bit cause of how busy I am, but am glad I checked it out today. I read and reviewed this on Triggerstreet and it’s definitely in the top 10% of amateur scripts I have read! I agree a lot with Carson, especially about the protagonist and maybe shifting his character. Glad you got a review on here Scott!

      • Scott Chamberlain

        Thanks John!

    • Lennox Snow

      Hey Scott –

      Sorry I got off topic in my other post. To get back on topic I just read the first 10 pages and smiled the whole time. The story dives right in and although this isn’t really my favorite genre, I was enjoying myself at the indulgence of the story. I’ll try to read the rest today or tomorrow and provide more thoughts.

      Congrats on the review.

      • Scott Chamberlain

        No dramas. Thanks for the feedback, Lennox

  • Casper Chris

    Can someone send me AF scripts “Proving Ground” and “Goodbye Gene”?

    csprchrs@gmail.com

    • Linkthis83

      Sent GOODBYE GENE.

      If somebody does send PROVING GROUND, will you please send it to me as well? Thx.

      linkthis83 at yahoo dot com

      • Marija ZombiGirl

        Sending Proving Ground :)

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Sending Proving Ground :)

  • brenkilco

    “I was fully expecting her to make me buy a corset.”

    For you or for her? Maybe you can’t afford to get the munchies.

  • Craig Mack

    “Blake is a dude. A football dude. He’s a star player football dude. But what he’s really a star of is banging.” Bravo Carson, bravo.

    • Casper Chris

      Poetry when Carson makes love to language.

  • gonzorama

    Congrats to Scott for this review. I’ve been trying to get featured all year but haven’t cracked through yet. Maybe my next script will be the one to get through. I will be reading your script later this evening.

    OT – I was very happy to see Wednesday’s post on Raiders. But I was so busy that day I didn’t open SS until 10pm west coast time, so I was 8 to 12 hours too late to chime in. However, I’d like to indulge myself now.

    I understand Raiders has plenty of flaws and plot holes/devices, but on the whole it’s one of cinema’s most enjoyable viewing experiences. The one thing I’ve always had a problem with, however, is the gap between Indy and Marion surviving the opening of the Arc and the quick cut to them back in D.C. Basically I wondered how the hell did they get off that Nazi infested island?

    If you’ve wondered too, the mystery is over! Here’s a little gap-filler I came up with that explains the missing part of Raiders quite nicely.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/dvtnmcsi5658bd4/Real_Ending_of_ROTLA.pdf

  • Nicholas J

    Perfect script for a Friday review!

    (Note: I haven’t read this script yet, this is just addressing Carson’s review…)

    As for 15 year old Timmy, no, he probably won’t complain about a flat second act and absent midpoint turn. But, he might find his interest waning around that time, and the absent midpoint turn could be a reason why.

    Structure is a great tool for the Suits that don’t know anything about writing, allowing them to break story down into a series of numbers to see if it will play well with an audience or not. We need to include structure for them, because they are the ones who will get our film made. So that’s #1.

    #2 is for the audience. Structure is what keeps film entertaining. Each plot point, inciting incident, midpoint turn, etc, is more fuel added to the rocket that will propel the audience across the 100 page canyon. If you don’t have enough structure — enough fuel — they’ll fall into the abyss.

    I think our first job as screenwriters is to get the audience across the canyon. Sure, structure isn’t the only type of fuel we can use to accomplish that, but it’s probably the most powerful. It’s extremely hard to make it without it.

    But Timmy doesn’t even think about fuel. If the rocket dies halfway through, he won’t blame the fuel, he’ll just go home and say “Man, what a crappy rocket!”

    (And yes, he’ll say that even if the rocket had really nice tits…)

  • Randy Williams

    Congrats to the writer for making it on here! Got to give him credit for attempting something different. If Hollywood is looking to develop mostly existing properties, I don’t think there are many with this slant, so it’s bound to stand out. Worth the risk if not worth the read.

    • Scott Chamberlain

      Hey, Randy. Thanks for the support.

  • klmn

    Will there be a newsletter this week? Or has Carson’s lesbian vampire date left him a dried up husk?

  • klmn

    I stopped reading at p14 when the script went dialogue heavy, but Scott might want to submit to Joe Bob Briggs productions.

    http://www.joebobbriggs.com/index.php?/joe-bob-briggs-productions-faq.html

    Good luck, Scott.

    BTW, maybe we should have a death battle between Joe Bob and Carson.

    • Scott Chamberlain

      Thanks klmn. Will check it out

  • http://www.linkedin.com/pub/brett-martin/52/702/72 ElectricDreamer

    OT: Table a fresh round of AOW this weekend?

    There’s so many top 10 candidate scripts to read before the end of the month.
    I think that a fresh batch of AOW wouldn’t get as much attention right now. Thoughts guys?

    • Linkthis83

      I concur with this. Thought about suggesting it myself.

    • Scott Crawford

      I concur too.

    • Casper Chris

      Yea, they won’t be getting a fair shake anyway. I’m visiting (and revisiting) some older Amateur Friday entries.

    • klmn

      “Thoughts guys?”

      Here’s one. I haven’t checked, but it looks like most of those were selected by a different process than the current one, rather than having the readership vote. Such as title log line and first 10, the twit pitch contest, or best scene contest.

      I don’t think the current process is working too well.

      • Scott Crawford

        Asking people to read FIVE scripts all the way through is asking people to take six, seven hours out of their lives.

        I have a suggestion – I’m full of suggestions so nobody fly off the handle. It’s late here in London:

        What if people submitted an OUTLINE or TREATMENT of their script? Not every week, just as a trial. Asking people to read five one-page, less than 1,000 word outline or treatment is easier than asking someone to read five 24,000 word screenplays.

        I’ll be honest (if you’ll all be honest), the quality of WRITING (scene direction, dialogue) for these amateur scripts is high, I mean REALLY high. It’s horrible; in the past you could count on the competition’s scripts being terribly written! I blame the interweb!

        BUT… it’s usually the case (Legal: This is a general statement and is unrelated to any script today, yesterday, or whenever) that the comments are along the line of “your writing’s great, but you need to work on the story”. By submitting an outline of their screenplay, MORE commentators can give their opinion on how the story is.

        It’s just a suggestion, maybe try it once and see if it works. I’ll go along with it.

        Alternative suggestion: Only (first) ten pages of script submitted. The winning script or outline could then be selected for Amateur Friday.

        (Obviously, the writer could still link to his WHOLE finished script even if he only submitted a sample or an outline. But I feel it would be fairer than every week getting comments like “I got as far as page 14.”).

        • Matthew Garry

          It’s not asking people to take seven hours of their lives. It gives aspiring writers the opportunity to read, analyse, and then try and clearly formulate their thoughts on what went right and what went wrong, and why–thereby improving their own writing.

          Then they can crosscheck their own thoughts against others who have read the scripts and even post their thoughts and analysis if they feel certain angles or approaches have not been sufficiently covered, and can get feedback on that.

          Some 10 to 12 hours a week really isn’t a lot of time to invest if you want to approach screenwriting professionally.

          • Scott Crawford

            How many people read ALL FIVE scripts? How many people read ONE whole script? How many people skim? How many people get past page 10?

            I’m glad YOU have seven hours to devote to AOW, but I have a whole stack of professional scripts to read (I’m writing a spy thriller and I still haven’t got around to reading Berliner yet), a father to look after, a house to clean, shopping, books to read, new glasses to break in…. oh, and my OWN screenplay to write.

            No offence intended; I’m sure you have a busy life too, we ALL do. We need to break the CYCLE of the unread AOW script.

          • Matthew Garry

            None taken. And I’m in no way questioning your personal dedication to improvement.

            I’m merely pointing out that reading AOW scripts is not necessarily an act of altruism where readers selflessly donate their time, but can easily be used as an act of enlightened self-interest whereby one helps oneself as much as the writers.

            To what degree writers can make use of the opportunity offered is, of course, dependent on personal scheduling as well as circumstance.

          • Scott Crawford

            I’ve had another idea while I sleep – just a suggestion. Keep it as before, but in the “Why You Should Read” section, the writer says SHORT SUMMARY OF STORY AVAILABLE ON REQUEST. Writer could then e-mail commentator a short outline of the WHOLE story, then commentator could say “OK, this review is based on your outline. I think the story is good overall, but…”

            It’s just an idea. I just don’t think an evaluation of the first fifteen pages of a script is the greatest.

          • Craig Mack

            You don’t need to read all five to decide which one you like best.. It’s like going to the movies, pick what interest you and run with it. When it gets boring, stop.

        • Linkthis83

          Reading/noting/contemplating/discussing AOW scripts is all for me – if the writers get something useful from my work, then that’s awesome. Most of the time though, it’s a completely selfish endeavor.

      • Scott Crawford

        Couple more suggestions:

        More “Theme Weeks”. Comedy Week. Action Week. Drama Week. Putting comedy scripts up against action and drama a tad unfair.

        Not a big fan of short scripts (like ten pages); I always used to balk when I young and there was a “short script competition”. I could never think of an idea for a short script. But do you remember those anthology shows they used to have like The Twilight Zone and .Alfred Hitchcock Presents…? Of course you do. There’s CURRENTLY no such show on TV, but there could be soon. I wouldn’t mind reading a SHORT, anthology-type script, like this one:
        http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/The_Twilight_Zone/The_Twilight_Zone_3x24_-_To_Serve_Man.pdf

        Twenty-five pages!!!

  • klmn

    There’s not a word in Carson’s review about the character of any of the lesbian vampires. With a title like that, I would expect the focus of the story to be on them, not some jock.

  • DW

    what happened to I am Ryan Reynolds? wasn’t it up this week?

  • Scott Crawford

    I understand what you’re saying, but I believe people are supporting the writer. I’m not sure about the second sentence, though, don’t get that.

  • andyjaxfl

    OT: Carson reviewed a script a few years ago about a human spy living on an alien world that is planning an invasion of Earth. During the story, the spy’s wife is eventually accused of treason. If someone could help me with the name of that script I would be very grateful! I’ve tried countless keyword searches on the site but haven’t had any luck. Thank you!

    • Matthew Garry

      google

      site:scriptshadow.net earth invasion spy

      first hit :P

      • andyjaxfl

        Very cool. Thank you, sir!

  • Scott Crawford

    If SOMEBODY doesn’t like your script, you’re not doing it right! As Tarantino said (paraphrasing), there has to be SOMETHING in your script your a little ashamed to show people, otherwise you’re not pushing yourself.

    Only read one page of Scott’s script and I LAUGHED OUT LOUD!

    (I liked Code Black too, Matt!).

    • Casper Chris

      If SOMEBODY doesn’t like your script, you’re not doing it right!

      Shouldn’t that be “If EVERYONE loves your script, you’re not doing it right” ?

      But yea, that quote always stuck in my mind. I forgot it was Tarantino who said it.

      • Scott Crawford

        I think they’re both valid, two sides of the same coin, but I’d like to think that ALMOST EVERYONE would love my script, and maybe SOMEBODY would hate it.

  • For The Lulz

    Okay, read the first 15 pages of this…I’m afraid I’m going to have to go against some of the other posters here. Even if that earns me a bit of hate. I’ve got to be honest.

    The way the script is laid out on the page is good. Professional. Plenty of white space. Never clustered. Makes for a clear, quick read….and that’s about all the positive I can muster.

    I can’t judge the entire script, only the first 15. I couldn’t stand any more. To be honest the first 3 pages were enough to put me off.

    Truth is I’m not a fan of low-brow humor, which meant I was never going to like this script. So I fully submit my bias here.

    I like comedy scripts that at least TRY to use original, interesting concepts (lesbian vampires…nope), a well thought out/executed plot and interesting arcing characters to create comedy scenes/sequences . They don’t always succeed but at least they TRY.

    I don’t like ”comedy” scripts that rely on the cheap/easy option – vulgar, dirty dialogue/scenes. NONE of which were funny for the first 15 pages/minutes of this script. It was just vulgar. Not funny.

    (By the way on the first speaking character is ”HOT STAR FUCKER” (Sigh). But then you skip the ”HOT” in later dialogue. A small thing, but it threw me initially. Pretty much the only practical note I can offer)

    The exposition was so on-the-nose, clowns worldwide got self-conscious. No subtly at all.

    I was not interested or rooting for any of the characters, least of all the protagonist Blake. He just comes off as a p***k, with no redeeming qualities. Why should I care about this guy? The photos? The one that got away? I might if this guy wasn’t fucking everything he can. There’s nothing to make me give a s*** about this guy’s broken heart. The guy he knocks out with the football seems to be exactly the same as him.

    If this sounds harsh, I’m not attacking the writer. I know we have to support each other. But I won’t sugarcoat it. I HATE scripts like these. I’ve seen too many ”comedy” scripts that strive for the lowest possible humor. I was getting flashbacks to ‘Taking Bacon’ and the Penis/Snake poison/Blowjob scene.

    Comedy isn’t being dumb and vulgar, with profanity in every sentence. If this is what gets chosen for AF……

    Sorry not for me. BIG, FAT PASS!

    • Kirk D

      You make good points I think Carson had some more interesting scripts to choose from. he went for the real low hanging fruit and he got it. both Code black and the one about King Kong had their problems, but ultimately there was more story in those scripts than this one.

      • pmlove

        OK, low hanging fruit seems to be getting misused around here.

        It’s the stuff that’s good and easy to get (for screenwriting it might be “write with active verbs” or “watch out for adverbs”). Quick wins. Ducks in a row. It’s not a synonym for low brow.

        You should go for the low hanging fruit. It’s a good thing.

        • klmn

          Here’s the urban dictionary page of definitions. Take your pick!

          http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=low-hanging+fruit

        • Kirk D

          I disagree. I didn’t use it as a synonym for low brow, I used it from Carson’s perspective of which script is going to be the easiest to review that will require the least amount of emotional investment. Doing the review for the tallest darkestest leading man might require a person to climb the tree and do a little work because it was a denser read. although I can see how you can think I meant it in a different way.

    • Scott Chamberlain

      Hey FTL

      Thanks for taking the time to read the first 15 pages and post your comments. I appreciate the feedback.

    • Casper Chris

      Same. I have a really hard time digesting scripts that rely too heavily on what I call “fratboy humor”. It’s just not my cup of tea. But hey, others liked it. And it did get the most votes (essentially a three-way tie with CODE BLACK (my vote) and TALLEST, DARKEST) so it’s all fair game.

  • Scott Crawford

    Congratulations, Matt!

  • klmn

    Yes, congrats.

  • Scott Chamberlain

    Thanks Matt. Glad to see your post about Code Black being optioned. That is awesome news.

  • Craig Mack

    Great news Matt — what producer/company?

  • Casper Chris

    Read 25 pages of PROVING GROUND. Couldnt get into it. Reminded me of Transformers.

  • Citizen M

    As someone with lesbians in the family, I don’t think this will go down well in Lezzieland. The implication is lesbians are really hetero and just need a real man to cure them of an aberration. It fuels the thinking behind “corrective rape”, which is unfortunately rather common here. Another dead lesbian was found a couple of days ago, raped and strangled, victim of the belief. It is better to accept that lesbians love women because that’s they way they are wired and they can’t change it. [/ finger-wagging]

    I read the whole script. It was a long read for 99 pages, I think because there was too much going on and also some rather repetitive action. I didn’t get the sense of something building to a finale, it was Blake getting tested and escaping, over and over. The scene in the sun room on page 72 felt like a climax, but there were still many pages to go.

    I don’t really know what to suggest. I think Claire could be built up into more of an arch-nemesis. Show Blake rejecting her early in the script, and her plotting to get him to the clinic, perhaps at a board meeting where the board members worry about Blake cuckolding them. She needs a definite plan we know about.

    I wasn’t sure what the clash was between Blake’s code and what the lesbians needed to do to change him. I understood he had to say he loved them and kiss Mother Hag, and they used their sexuality and his desire to get him to do it. Blake believed that you don’t tell a woman you love her unless it’s real love. But what if he really did fall for one of the sirens? Or what if he did so but was lying? How would that change him?

    OT: The only advice my stepfather ever gave me about women was, “Never tell a girl you love her just to get into her pants.” I guess there was some deep personal pain behind that, although he didn’t elaborate. It was good advice and I followed it.

    The vampire angle hardly featured. I kept thinking if patients got eaten by vampires, surely news would get out and they wouldn’t be able to advertise their services?

    Would they let Dave-o in simply because he was a union man? I don’t think so. But the scene where Dave-o interviews Daisy Chain was good. Maybe more could be made of the union angle as a running gag.

    I liked the very first scene with Blake and the Star-fucker, but that bawdy tone wasn’t carried through. The running gag with Dave-o forever getting knocked out in the castle; escape was also good.

    But in general I would recommend cutting a lot of the action out and putting more funny banter in. Running down corridors, CCTV cameras, steel doors. It’s too James Bond-ish. All the escaping and running doesn’t really advance the plot, which is “Can Dave in his maleness resist the lure of the lesbians and escape the clutches of Claire to live as a free man?” Have fewer, bigger scenes, testing Blake more and more. Drop some of the accessories — the police chief, the puzzymen, the mad preacher. Maybe involve Claire more. Clarify Blake’s and Claire’s ideas of love.

    • Scott Chamberlain

      Just catching up…

      Thanks for reading the whole of SLVW and giving such detailed comments. It’s certainly helpful to know those areas where I’ve left you confused and with questions.

      Thanks again. Much appreciated.

  • Casper Chris

    Finished INHUMAN. Despite being outside by genre wheelhouse, I thought it was pretty good. I agree with Carson; the first two thirds were great (really atmospheric and visual with some great character work), but the last third got a little too metaphysical for me (the rules got hazy). Didn’t like the ending much. Still worthy of top 10 consideration.

  • cjob3

    Just a heads up. CBS just picked up an ER drama called Code Black.

    http://deadline.com/2014/08/code-black-er-drama-from-michael-seitzman-cbs-put-pilot-commitment-823254/

  • Guest

    First 2 are from one script. Last one is from a second script.

    Oh, and thanks for calling me a liar……you f***ing douchebag.

  • Guest

    How do you post images here. I have screenshots of my reviews to prove this douchebag wrong, but they won’t show.

    • Guest

      Same script. 2nd review.

  • For The Lulz

    One script. 1st review

    • For The Lulz

      Same script. 2nd Review.

      • For The Lulz

        A different Script.

        (Ignore everything after this. Disqus was being weird.)