Amateur Friday – The Very Last Girl

Posted on November 30, 2012 | by admin

Can a screenplay from a New Zealander prove this week’s Scriptshadow theme wrong? Or do I still stick by my guns and say: “Stay away from quirky character pieces when writing a spec?”

Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effect of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Drama/Comedy
Premise: When a simplistic man meets a simplistic woman on the internet, wedding bells start ringing. But when he finds out his crazy ex-girlfriend not only still has, but has since lost his engagement ring, he must team up with her to find it.
About: This script was written by a New Zealander! And I think he’s going to be making the movie himself. He was curious to see how the script would play to an American audience.
Writer: Michael Dunigan
Details: 104 pages

Anne Hathaway for Roxy?

It’s funny this script showed up when it did, because it fits in nicely with the week’s theme – writing a character-driven indie spec. Actually, there’s a little more of a hook going on here, and you could argue this is also, if not solely, a romantic comedy. But it seems to have its roots firmly in the indie world, and it has a ton of quirkiness, something I’ve taken to task in this week’s article.

I actually got an e-mail from the writer saying he was scared of my review now because of my recent quirky-bashing. So I just wanted to clarify something. I have no problem with quirkiness IF it serves the story. It’s only when it’s used to serve its own purpose that I have an issue. For example, if a character wears a kilt just because the writer wants him to, I’m rolling my eyes. But if he just moved to the U.S. from rural Ireland and hasn’t purchased any American clothes yet, then it makes sense. So was the quirkiness in “The Very Last Girl” justified? Or was it just for its own sake? Time to find out.

Owen Marley is one straight-laced dude. This is not the kind of guy who’s going to dance on tables at a party. He’s the guy next door who gets irritated by all the noise coming from the party. So it makes sense that he’s searching for his next girlfriend online. And lo and behold, he finds her. Her name is Laura and while she’s pretty, she’s kind of morbid and depressing, obsessed with the meaningless of existence. Perfect for Owen! The first date is a smashing success, even though it looks to us like the two are having the most boring time in the world. They apparently enjoy this kind of (non) activity.

A few days later, Owen pops the question, and the two prepare to head into wedding bliss. But it turns out that Owen’s ex-girlfriend still has his engagement ring, which has been in his family for generations. Asking any ex-girlfriend for a ring back is going to be awkward, but asking this girl is going to be particularly difficult. That’s because Roxy, Owen’s ex, is psychotic. Don’t let her day job (a school teacher) fool you. She’s like a six year old on crack. Oh, and she no longer has the engagement ring.

BUT she thinks she knows where it is and tells Owen that if he wants it, he’ll have to join her to get it. So the two go riding around town, descending down manholes and hunting down local metal hunting enthusiasts in search of the ring, at one point running into a dangerous biker gang, who end up kidnapping Owen’s fiance. Along the way, Owen starts to realize that maybe Roxy isn’t as bad as he thought she was. And with fiance Laura starting to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome from her female biker captor, Owen probably doesn’t have any choice but to like Roxy anyway. But when Roxy throws a horrifying last second revelation at Owen, will the former love-birds be able to recover? Or will Owen find himself back at the starting gate, alone once again?

So what did I think of The Very Last Girl? Here’s how I determine my level of like (or dislike) for a script. Would I recommend it to anyone? Would I pass it on to a friend and tell them to read it? And if the answer is “no,” why is it “no?” I wouldn’t recommend this one and here’s why. There’s something too predictable about it. Too familiar. Even with all its quirkiness, I felt like I’ve seen this movie before, and nothing new was brought to the table. Typically, I hate being 20-30 pages ahead of a script, and that turned out to be the case here. Now I was 20-30 pages ahead of St. Vincent De Van Nuys as well, but the difference was that those characters were all unique and deep and compelling. These characters never really went below surface level.

Take Vincent from “St. Vincent,” for example. He had this whole backstory with being a war hero and having a wife who’s since been lost to Alzheimer’s. Maybe that was my issue with “Last Girl.” The characters didn’t have any backstories. They were defined by their present traits only. Roxy was weird. Laura was morbid. Owen was boring. I’m not even sure what the backstory between Owen and Roxy was. If it was stated, I missed it, but I was constantly trying to figure out why the two had been together. They were such different people. I know opposites attract but I would’ve liked to know specifically why they attracted.

Then again, I started to get a little skimmy after the midpoint, so I may have missed some details. That’s what writers sometimes forget. If a script isn’t catching a reader’s interest, their mind starts to drift. They can’t help it. If you’re not interesting them, they’re going to stop paying attention. And I’m not saying it was super bad in “Last Girl’s” case, but there were a few times where a couple of pages went by and I was like, “Whoa, I don’t remember what I just read.” If I’m giving notes, I’ll go back and read those pages. But if I’m just reading a script? Those pages get lost forever.

Another issue I had was that our main character, Owen, was boring (sorry, I can’t think of a nicer way to put it). This was somewhat offset by Roxy being so crazy, but having a boring main character is tough, even if you’re going the “protagonist as straight man” route. Not to keep bringing up “St. Vincent De Van Nuys,” but look at the main character in that script. He’s a drunk asshole who always says what’s on his mind and refuses to open up to anyone. Plus he had all that backstory. That guy was interesting! Even if you want to argue that the little kid was the main character, HE was interesting. He was adopted. He was super smart. He was weird – different from all the other kids. Owen existed almost invisibly throughout this script.

On the plus side, the story had a clear objective and therefore the characters were always moving towards something. That kept them active. There was also clear conflict between the two leads, Owen and Roxy, which kept their conversations exciting, even if that conflict was a little forced.

I’m not sure if there was a ticking time bomb (was the wedding tomorrow? I can’t remember). But even if there was, there were no true stakes attached to Owen achieving his goal. Laura was going to marry this guy no matter what (before the Stockholm Syndrome) so you got the feeling that even if he didn’t find the ring, they were going to be just fine. I remember with The Hangover, you knew that if these guys didn’t find the groom, they were going to be in some deeeeeeep shit. I never got that feeling here. And that’s important. If we don’t feel the stakes of the objective, how can we be invested in the story?

So this one didn’t quite do it for me. Moving forward, I’d make Owen more interesting and I’d also build more backstory into the characters. That’s what’s missing the most, in my opinion. The characters just aren’t deep enough. They have these surface level quirks, but I don’t feel their history, what’s going on inside of them, enough. You fix that and you’ll fix a lot of this script’s problems. I wish the best of luck to Michael!

Script link: The Very Last Girl

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If I can’t remember one distinct trait about a character, then that character hasn’t been developed enough. I can’t think of one distinct trait about Owen. And this is the character taking us through this story! Make sure that your key characters all have at least one distinct memorable interesting trait about them.

Posted in Amateur Reviews, Dramedy, Uncategorized, Wasn't For Me

MWire

I’m loving this script. Admittedly I’m only 23 pages in but so far I’d rate this as the best AF script of all time.
Poe_Serling

ScriptShadow has just gone global with this New Zealand AF submission review… All we need now is Milla Jovovich to pop out of a cake.

Though it’s raining cats and dogs here in Los Angeles, it’s always gratifying to see another writer enjoying a slash of sunshine — Congrats to Michael for getting (X) worth the read.

It’s funny… just yesterday we were talking about the cinematic virtues of Bad Taste… a product of the New Zealand film industry.

A few other horror films from NZ worth mentioning: The Frighteners, Black Sheep, and The Devil’s Rock…

Andrew Mullen

Didn’t really care for Black Sheep. I felt like it couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a straight up horror movie, a horror comedy, or a spoof of horror movies. Very inconsistent tone. The special effects were very well done, though.

Poe_Serling

Yeah, I sorta agree with you on the tone… but overall I’d still rate it above average. The film’s taglines alone were worth the extra 1/2 star. ;-)

There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand… and they’re pissed off! Get ready for the Violence of the Lambs! A new breed of comedy horror. The sheep on this farm have turned to the baaaaaad side. Shear terror!

SeekingSolace

“The Very Last Girl” is a great effort with a few laughs, but there’s nothing about it that will make it stand out in a market inundated with quirky comedies similar to it.
Thomas A. Schwenn

To be honest, I could only get through the initial 20 pages at first. I had no idea where this script was going (plot or tone). But this being an Amateur Friday script, I gave it another try in order to give some positive feedback. But again, I wasn’t sure what I was reading.

Structure:
-Do not start with Donald. Introduce him later after we’ve brought Roxy & Owen back together.
-I liked that it was not obvious the previous relationship between Roxy & Owen. The writers should keep that discrete until page 20ish.
-I wouldn’t show Owen taping his dating site video. Simply start with him on an initial date (keep the woman off-screen). That way we see how awkward he is. Then introduce his friends, family. Show him discussing his failed love life. That way we’ll be involved in seeing him succeed. Hint at a past bad relationship.
-Meanwhile show Roxy teaching, amongst friends and at school. That way, the reader thinks we’ll see Roxy & Owen end up together. Also hint at a past love.
-We need to see Owen & Laura have the initial date (where their individual awkwardness matches). It should be a ‘Eureka’ moment. Then have a few quick scenes or a montage of them falling in love.
-Then drop the bomb of the Roxy & Owen relationship and him needing to get the ring. But it cannot be a simple, cheap plastic ring. It has to be important. It has to have personal and real value. Because even if it’s important to Owen, it has to also be important to Laura, his fiancee.
-The ‘lost’ ring can still end up with Donald. But Donald needs a good reason to hold onto it. (“Finders keepers” isn’t a valid reason worthy of a film.) They could simply call the police right away and get it back.
-Donald can them make an agreement with Roxy & Owen: he’ll give the ring back if they help him get his wife back. But it should be a process. Roxy & Owen will have to mull it over, then need a good reason to help Donald (for Owen: he can be superstitious about his new wife not having the ring; for Roxy: she needs to know it’s over with Owen…). Somewhere around page 40.
-Then through the next days, Roxy & Owen gradually get back together.
-The writers will have to give them each a secondary plotline (work-related) and Owen will have to start telling white lies to Laura about how the renewed bond with Roxy is going/not going.

Tone:
It really starts & ends with Roxy. She’s weird, and not in any interesting way. She acts like an 11 year old girl. Why would anyone date her? She really makes for an odd antagonist. As it stands, she’s not someone I’m interested in following for 90 minutes.
-She can be immature, but she has to be an adult and not live in her weird lying/fantasy world.

Writing:
The script really lacked energy. I think that was due to the writing as well as the story. These people talk too much, and do little. The writers need to get them in motion, working for goals. The characters can still be quirky and have their quirky asides, but only when their working towards something.

The writers need to work on shoring up the action/description blocks.

The writers make a big point to describe what each character wears, but that still does not give us much sense of their character. Instead of noting what they wear, note their demeanor or liken them to a ‘type’ of character. (for example instead of noting the girl student’s atire, she call her GOTH GIRL.) It’ll pick up the pace.

Mb

I struggled to get through the first 20 pages and that’s as far as I wanted to dedicate my time to. When I read the part about the wedding being tomorrow, that was the breaking point for me. I agree with you about Roxy, did not find her an appealing character at all. Also didn’t care much for Owen, and I figured my opinion wouldn’t change f I kept reading.
Yuri Laszlo

“Finders, keepers” is a perfectly valid reason worthy of a film, ESPECIALLY when it concerns rings and Kiwi writers. Heck, WB even made three (or is it five) films about that!

http://twitter.com/kinnygraham Graham

Having read that review, I’m surprised you rated this one ‘Worth the Read’…..
Andrew Mullen

I think I loved this script. Maybe not like mad passionate crazy love like Roxy and Owen, but a definitely warm blanket to make me feel like the world isn’t a cold empty place.

I took less notes while reading it than any script I’ve ever read on here. A good thing. And I was constantly getting interrupted as I was reading it on the train and kept having to close the file and reopen it going, “Was I on page 17?” No I was on page 25, it just felt like page 17. “Was I on page 20?” No…I was actually on page 45. That’s how fast this thing flies by. 25 minute train ride into the city. 10 minutes reading it while waiting. 25 minute train ride back. Finished the script just as we pulled up to my stop. So 55 minutes total to read the whole thing.

One thing I don’t know if Carson took into account, but this is a very New Zealand-y script. It’s like Eagle vs Shark or Strictly Ballroom or Flight of the Conchords…in fact I kept picturing Bret McKenzie as Owen. Wearing his Conchord-y sweaters as he bird watches. It’s a bright peppy very colorful (somewhat over the top, but not quite) script with a bit of sweetness cut with an edge of that New Zealand roughness to keep it from being sappy. And I could see all those elements as they would be filmed. Worked for me 100%.

I loved the call backs. The James Bond stuff. How Roxy’s lies come into play.

Now my actual notes since this can’t all be a gushy mash note.

“Does the fingers” – No clue what that means. I assume it’s the backwards V that means “go eff yourself” but that was conjecture.

Kesia is described as “mousy” but she’s anything but. I think you mean “frumpy” or “dowdy” because she’s incredibly pushy and demanding. “Mousy” people are meek and timid.

Pg 10 – Finish each others… Meals? That’s a very very old joke. I think I even heard it on the Simpsons.

Pg 13 – The first time Laura made a French Existentialism joke, I nearly laughed out loud on the train and only didn’t because I didn’t want people staring at me. It started to get a bit old, but I think it still works. I don’t know…maybe make that a bit less “Oh the world is so cold and dead. I don’t care.”

Pg 43 – There’s a line given to Duke that should be given to Roxy.

Pg 55 – “Metal home” instead of “Mental Home”

I think it would be bettter if National was a grizzled biker tough instead of a sexy young biker chick. I am not at all intimidated by a 23 year old with facial piercings, even if she DOES have a samurai sword. But a guy on a bike with long hair and a grey beard…that I can see and it just makes that whole subplot work better for me. Especially because then he’s not just an Anti-Owen, he’s very Anti-Laura too. This would be a guy she’d never run off with. The whole lesbian thing…didn’t buy it.

The race to the airport. I was dreading it. Didn’t hate it. But it’s still a race to the airport.

All in all, I’m giving this an impressive and I’ll “do the fingers” at any of you that disagree. =P

Malibo Jackk

Don’t think I was on the same train
but I admire your enthusiasm for the read.
Palangi

Nicely done

cjob3

Whoa wait, “Worth the Read?” Is that a mistake?

That’s not at all where it sounded like you were going.
GYAD

The problem with quirkiness is that, whilst amusing, it isn’t a substitute for character and plot. I must admit that, like Carson, I started skimming around the 50 page mark, partly because I have work to do and partly because I felt I knew exactly where this script was going.

I’ll start with the basics. William Goldman wrote that you can start a film with a courtroom scene but that you can’t start a script with one because the number of characters is confusing on the page and only works on screen because the audience can remember faces. This starts out the same way with (in the first ten or so pages): Donald, Roxy, Laura, Owen, Ulrich, the Trebuchet brothers, National’s biker gang and Owen’s family (Lloyd, Sasia and Patrick). It’s too much for a reader to remember all of those names and relationships.

The quirkiness is entertaining at first (unique situations, fresh dialogue and memorable characters) but never goes anywhere. It is simply quirkiness for quirkinesses sake; which would be fine in a sitcom (I love “30 Rock”) but doesn’t work in a feature. The over-emphasis on quirkiness also leads to an under-utilisation of drama, with far too many scenes (like the one where Owen first enlists Roxy’s help to find his mother’s ring) lacking any sort of conflict. The quirkiness is also insufficiently built into the humour, as with the montage of Roxy’s lies on pages 25-26: we see odd situations but they aren’t actually funny. Just a few additions could have made them more entertaining; (for instance) if the lie, “I’m semi-fluent in Russian sign language” was said outside a room labelled, ‘Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant For The Deaf’. It isn’t a very funny joke but at least it is a joke.

My final problem was that I felt like I knew exactly where the story was going at all times and guessed all the major plot points ahead of time. In part this is because of the tyranny of GSU; I can see the goal, the ticking clock and the stakes all falling into place. All of which are vital but, in the absence of unique (as opposed to quirky) characters or a unique plot, I just didn’t care enough.

Nonetheless, there is plenty of talent. I do really like the first ten pages and laughed quite a bit at Laura’s line about her PhD on French existentialism. This script is summery and bright and quite fun. In a world full of scripts about tragic characters and over the top action it’s nice to read something this, well, nice. I also admire the author for trying to make the movie himself (typical plucky Kiwi) and wish him the best of luck with it.

IgorWasTaken

My very-small-issue notes.

GYAD wrote: “I’ll start with the basics. William Goldman wrote that you can start a
film with a courtroom scene but that you can’t start a script with one because the number of characters is confusing on the page and only works on screen because the audience can remember faces. This starts out the same way with (in the first ten or so pages): Donald, Roxy, Laura, Owen, Ulrich, the Trebuchet brothers, National’s biker gang and Owen’s family (Lloyd, Sasia and Patrick). It’s too much for a reader to remember all of those names and relationships.”

OK, maybe not a courtroom scene because (a) it is one scene, and (b) all of those characters are introduced in one location.

But for example, “Crazy, Stupid, Love” introduces 6 characters in the first 2 pages – oh, but in 3 quick scenes in 3 different locations.

In “The Very Last Girl”, if there’s a problem, it’s not the number of chars intro’d in the first 10.

There’s 1 char on page 1, 2 chars on page 2, but whoops – HENRY speaks, but he isn’t actually introduced in the action. Then on page 3, there’s TERRY – again, he speaks, but isn’t introduced in the action.

To Michael Duignan – I know that there’s a big push to make action paragraphs only 1/2/3 lines each, but I think you overdid it on page 1. I did some tests and found that sometimes it looks better on the page to have longer paragraphs. Even with as many as 5 lines! (Maybe even 6!) OK, I don’t suggest you go wild, but how about 3-4 lines sometimes on page 1 – especially since there’s no dialogue at all.

For example:

Donald leans down to investigate and picks up a rusty bottle
cap.

He flicks it behind him in disappointment and carries on.

There’s no reason to make those 2 paragraphs. That is, it doesn’t seem there’s some reason to emphasize that the flicking of the bottle is important. And if a reader sees you breaking paragraphs simply to break them, then you can’t grab his/her attention with an “important” paragraph-break.

The suggestion that paragraphs be short includes the notion that you should actually write short paragraphs – not simply break up a series of sentences arbitrarily. If you need 2-3 lines to describe an action – as you do there with Donald – then make it a single, 2-3 line paragraph.

And because there’s no dialogue, I suggest you break out Donald:

After a while there is a blip – blip – blip… as a rotund
figure meanders into view –

DONALD DICKSON

a 45-year-old balding man with a ponytail. And
aviator sunglasses.

For better or worse, the aesthetics of your first page does seem to count. Not by some “rule”, but subliminally.

GYAD

Good notes.

I’d say you get something similar to a courtroom scene because you get introduced to a panorama of characters. By your description (I haven’t yet read or watched it), “Crazy Stupid Love” links its characters together, so you only have to remember three pairs. By contrast this introduces a large number of characters (around 10) whose relationship to one another isn’t always obvious, leaving the reader without a sense of who is a major character (like Roxy) and who are minor characters (like the Trebuchet brothers).

ElectricDreamer

Congrats to the Kiwis for getting a nod on Scriptshadow!
I am a fan of “Eagle vs. Shark.” And Lee Tamahori’s “Once Were Warriors.”
So, I’m rocking the int’l vibe when I crack this open.

The quirkiness of the script felt more like frosting than cake.
I didn’t understand why at all these funky attributes were hung on the characters.

But the biggest problem for me in the first 20 pages is: NO CONFLICT.
When the fiance was indifferent to the mother’s ring. I was pretty much done with this story. According tot he logline, the ring is crux of the plot! What gives?

That fiance better damn well be TEN KINDS OF LIVID when the family heirloom takes a walk!
And our mousy hero should become a Mexican jumping bean of nerves to fix the mess!

But any semblance of contention is deflated before it ever begins.

In the first ten, I couldn’t quite figure out who the protag was.
There was a bunch of folks intro’d that I couldn’t keep straight.

Since I was confused who this story was about…
Couldn’t latch onto a thread of conflict…
And felt the fiance completely hamstringed the stakes…
I bowed out at 20.

I feel that perhaps the author knows why these characters are a bucket of quirks.
But I don’t get that from the page. And I need to in order to stay focused.

Best of luck and keep writing and rewriting!

P.S. I was also a tad perplexed at the [X] WORTH THE READ too!
Pooh Bear

I got through maybe page 40, started skimming then just flipped to the end and went, ‘figured as much’. Owen was boring, Roxy was not very likeable. A dump of characters in the beginning had me a touch lost initially. The dialogue didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t laugh once and was never amused. I just couldn’t finish this. Yes a clear goal good job on that. Sorry guys, wasn’t for me.

garrett_h

Same here.

TGivens

Good tip about developing characters. It can be tough sometimes, especially when the protagonist is supposed to be boring or unlikeable, but on the other hand it’s a creative challenge.

I liked the script. ‘Worth the read’ well deserved. And I would like to read it after the writer makes some improvements. The script has the potential to become a decent character piece. It just needs more radical choices, more ‘on the edge’ twists.
dkFrizzell

Not having read it, I can’t comment on the script itself per se, but reading while Carson’s initial description of the main characters, my first thought was: ‘How is it possible that Mr. Boring ever had a relationship with Ms. Nut-Job in the first place, let alone become engaged?’ It just didn’t fit.

My doubts were later confirmed by Carson: “…I was constantly trying to figure out why the two had been together. ”

Characters can’t just suddenly be without having been something first .
idriss

I loved the script, I found it very passionate, follow till the end. Good luck to the writer.
garrett_h

Glad this one is getting some love from Carson and other commenters, but I have to be honest. I couldn’t get through it. Something about the first half just screamed “Amateur Hour” to me. The characters, the story, the way people would just sit around and talk…

I can’t really put my finger on it, but I was bored. Also, I didn’t really believe in the relationship. For me, it would have worked better if the had already been together from the start. As it is, they go out on one date, then he proposes, and then they set a date in two weeks. It all felt kind of rushed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gave up on it so fast. I was pretty tired, and I thought maybe it was me. But I ended up reading the Malibu Country pilot instead, and that actually held my interest more. Go figure…
carsonreeves1

Shoot! I’m so sorry! I accidentally entered the wrong rating. It was supposed to be a “wasn’t for me.” That may explain why the majority of the review was negative and yet I originally gave it a ‘worth the read.’ Anyway, it’s been fixed!

Malibo Jackk

Wow.
Thought you had turned soft for a moment.

IgorWasTaken

Paging Dr. Freud.

cjob3

If it were my script being reviewed – I probably woulda skipped right down to the rating, first thing. Then celebrated, then called friends… and then read the review. That’s gotta be a heart-breaker.

Somersby

Agreed. Oh, there are tears in New Zealand tonight.

cjob3

that sounds like a song.

A beautiful song.
Citizen M

In Auckland they weep
for the lost lonely sheep
and the possums squashed flat on the road

In Papatoetoe
their noses get blowy
for the Kakapo that they once knowed

But their hearts truly break
when they learn it was fake:
the “worth the read” that Carson bestowed

cjob3

nice

Jake Gott

This wasn’t for me. I can usually get around cultural slang if I know the context, but the script has a fair amount of typos, missing information, or oddly worded information. I think there was even a typo on the first page. These all combine to make it kind of laborious. I enjoyed the lighthearted nature of the script, but I think if it was grounded a little more, it might be my kind of thing. In any case, thanks for letting us read. I’d be a little nervous, too, with Carson’s article on Quirky Indie Comedies.
http://www.facebook.com/magclancy Maggie Clancy

I am just kind of ‘meh’ with this script. If the writer is directing it, it could go in that quirky/fun Eagle vs. Shark sort of vibe, but personally it is a genre I am finding myself less and less interested in, or at least this kind of take. I agree with the idea that quirkiness does not make up for character – quirkiness should be a bauble, not the tree.

Having said that, if it were to be a bit more beefed up/comprised of characters based in reality who happen to have quirks, I think it could be a solid rom-com. Good luck, Michael!
AS

This script was hard for me to get through. I liked the quirkiness of the characters to a certain extent but it all felt a little forced to me. Simplifying the story would help in my opinion. Let the characters carry the quirkiness not both the characters and story. Odd balls in mundane or straight situations can often produce interesting results.
Mr T

I really struggled to get through this for a lot of the reasons Carson mentioned, but mostly because I just couldn’t connect with Owen. Adding to that fact, I didn’t really care about the story because the stakes were so low. I think the Hangover reference is a good one, and I didn’t feel any kind of genuine urgency here. For me, the most important two things in a script are: a compelling and intriguing plot, and a strong lead character. I didn’t get either with The Very Last Girl so unfortunately it wasn’t for me.
Paul Clarke

Damn it! I was just preparing my AF submission and planned on using the idea that you’ve probably never reviewed a script by a Kiwi, and that you should try an international flavour. But now I’ve been beaten to the punch.

Congrats Michael. Show ‘em how it’s done.
CineDave

One aspect where the writer excelled was the delineation of character in the context of the dialogue. Each character spoke in an individual manner that made each more vivid and unique.
This was handled in a smart and subtle manner that was effective and effortless.

Even something like St. Vincent of VN which presented a stronger overall shape and structure didn’t manage as soft a touch in terms of dialogue. there the simple character descriptions were too overtly manifested in their dialogue and made them seem too ‘written’ without subtle shadings other then that of their actions

Malibo Jackk

I often hear people talking about how important this is.
And it is a sign of good dialogue.

And then I hear the video of award winning writer Rod Serling talking about how all his characters talk the same — and that he needs to work on that.

Poe_Serling

Great point…
The likes of Orson Welles, Morgan Freeman, Vincent Price, James Earl Jones, and company have all benefited financially and creatively from having distinctive voices.
Plus, it’s kinda inspiring to know that the great RS struggled with his writing sometimes, too.

sweetvita

Where’s FADE IN: ? Where’d the bottle of water come from? Got to agree with Carson about the thinly drawn characters. They felt like they were there to service the quirkiness. So by the time I got to page 43, I was moved to fast forward to around page 90-something, then read to the end.
http://twitter.com/thrillpill Elvis D.

It was a little tough getting into the local slang but I quite enjoyed the script. Enough that I didn’t see the location of the ring coming. And so was pleasantly surprised when it arrived.

I agree with Carson giving this a ‘must read’. I disagree with his assessment of the characters. Owen is the straight man, he’s not necessarily boring.

Again, remember, this is a Kiwi script, NOT an American one. So it doesn’t have to hit all the “Gospel According to Hollywood” mile markers.

I could see the movie from the screenplay. That is important. Now does the reader/producer want to make that movie? That’s a different question. And I don’t think one that should be addressed on a site like this, which critiques screenwriting.

Ah well.
jridge32

The first scene with Roxy in the art class is pretty damn funny.
peisley

I’m surprised by how many writers have never worked with an actor at all. All you have to do is throw a stick to find one just about anywhere, not to diss actors. I’m just saying NY and LA aren’t the only places to find professional grade actors. It doesn’t take much to organize a reading. It can even be in your apartment. The feedback can be invaluable. If they love their character, all you have to do is just take notes as they fly. You might even make some life changing friendships and collaborations. I bring this up since you’re on the topic of character-based scripts. Struggling actors are hungry for an opportunity to be heard. Writers need to hear their words, not just in their own heads.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UXZGWHUNGPUO27HD6UXSOMCMCQ Tor H

Movie logic vs. real logic rears its ugly head again. This introverted guy meets a girl online and, days later, proposes marriage to her? I don’t know how to react to that.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=545808999 James L. Cambias

I liked this movie a lot. It was called “Bringing Up Baby” and starred Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn. Only the ring was a dinosaur bone.
GraemeMcPhail

I really enjoyed this, one of the best amateur ones I have actually read all the way through in a while. I’d agree that the characters could have a little more depth, but it’s not a game-breaker.
Poe_Serling

Just saw that Carson’s ScriptShadow Secrets just cracked the Top 30 on Amazon’s Best-selling Kindle eBook list in the Reference category… it’s snuggled right between Creating Space and Outlining Your Novel: Map Your Way to Success.

Next stop the Top 20 and higher.
http://simonlundlarsen.dk/ Simon Lund Larsen

Read through the first 10 pages and I must say that I was very impressed on how the writer set up the story.
Maybe even the, by now, very tried V/O with the main character introducing himself. Even that kind of worked.
Will definitely read the rest.
Citizen M

Very late to the party this weekend. It was a toss-up between reading scripts and watching South Africa hammer Australia at cricket. As a Kiwi, Michael will understand that cricket got precedence.

First off, I enjoyed the script. It was light-hearted and entertaining, and quite funny in parts. But it never gripped me. I read it in fits and starts, and had to force myself to read through to the end. So what was the problem?

Firstly, the genre. What was it? I assumed it was a Rom-com. Carson pegs it as a Drama/Comedy. Actually, it’s more like a heist or caper movie with a strong romantic element. I think it ends up falling between two stools. It’s not romantic enough for the Rom-com fans, nor tense enough for the Caper fans.

Second, the characters. As others have said, Roxy is the stand-out character. Owen is not passive, exactly, but not forceful enough for a lead. Duke is interesting, but I’d like to know a bit more about what drives him. And Lloyd and Kesia are far too undeveloped. They need distinctive character traits. Kesia is obviously the bossy type, but this isn’t exploited. Lloyd is some sort of therapist but he might as well be a dog catcher for all the difference it makes.

Third, although there were many set ups and pay offs, some quite clever, we are introduced to Roxy and Owen as art teacher and bird watcher respectively, and these never pay off later. Roxy’s cartoon dog does feature later, but I’d expect her to have a more arty approach generally. And bird watchers are always good for a joke. e.g.
Duke: What are you looking at?
Owen: A tit.
Duke: Give me those! (grabs binocs) There’s nobody there. Just some birds.
Okay, could do better. But use bird watching somehow beyond having binoculars.

Fourth, relationships. None of them seemed natural. If it’s a Rom-com then it is essential that we the audience see that Roxy and Owen belong together and I don’t get that, or why they broke up. Owen mentioned he doesn’t believe Roxy tells the truth, so presumably there was some issue they broke up over that he was wrong about that he has to discover the truth of. I can understand if he’s deeply depressed at the relationship breaking up that Laura the nihilist would feel a kinship with him, but the attraction needs to be brought out more. I don’t see how a scaly character like Duke became friends with Owen and Lloyd. They seem too different. And I’d like Joanne to have closer links to the central characters.

Fifth, I never got a sense of urgency, despite the wedding being set for the next day for much of the action. There were not enough stakes. What happens if they don’t get the ring? The wedding’s called off, or they get an alternative ring. Either way, I don’t see much of a problem. Also, regarding Owen’s trust issues with Roxy. I see the main theme of the script being “Love and trust go together” or “Love depends on trust” or something similar, and it does not inform the action enough. But it could be that the writer was going for something completely different and I got the wrong idea about the script. As I said, I see it as a Rom-com which needs more romance and emotional development and not such intricate plotting, which is well worked out BTW.

file name. – call it The Very Last Girl.pdf, not TVLG48.pdf. I have hundreds of scripts on my hard drive. How am I supposed to locate it?

p. 6 – Mention there are two girls with Ulrich. Only the boys are mentioned.

p. 6 – Why does Roxy call Ulrich Hans? Not funny, no payoff.

p. 6 – motor-cross = motocross (several places)

p. 6 – Mention the hole is the same one Donald dug. It will be obvious in the movie from visual clues.

p. 9 – Tell us Patrick is Kesia and Owen’s father. Or have them refer to him as “Dad”.

p. 10 – Do Owen and Laura decide to get married the day they meet?

p. 10 – Explain that Lloyd is a therapist, or have him say therapy stuff.

p. 11 – Kesia needs to just be bossy without asking permission. That’s the way bossy people operate.

p. 11 – “We trust each other… I can rely on her” On what evidence? Owen has trust issues. How were they addressed?

p. 13 – Both PATRICK MARELY and PATRICK are used. Be consistent. (I like older people to have longer names, youngsters to have short names.)

p. 14 – Presumably two weeks have passed to the wedding rehearsal. There’s no sense of time passing. Did the bikers take two weeks to track down Donald?

p. 14 – Say that it’s just a wedding rehearsal. I thought it was the real thing. (You could skip this scene and just have Kesia dictate that Owen must give Laura their mother’s ring.)

p. 16 – Set the scene in the garage. “Owen puts stuff in a backpack as Lloyd and Laura look on.” I thought it was Lloyd alone at first.

p. 17 – Should be EXT. not INT. ROXY’S FLAT

p. 17 – Lazenby was the worst Bond of all time. Everyone knows that ;-)

p. 18 – What is it with Kiwis and flour bombs? (Remembering the 1981 Springbok tour.) ;-)

p. 21 – Twin strut guitar = twin neck guitar.

p. 25 – I like the “lies” montage. Efficient storytelling.

p. 31 – Duke not introduced in caps. Odd person to be their friend. Want a stronger connection.

p. 38 – Roxy pinkie promises to keep the ring safe. Why doesn’t Owen make a big fuss that she didn’t keep it safe therefore she’s unreliable, which is why he ditched her.

p. 42 – What happened to the parking tickets eventually? They get forgotten.

p. 65. – Carabina = carabiner. (several places)

p. 69 – “A shit fight in a fan factory.” Love the metaphor.

p. 82 – Roxy: “I realised you’re my James Bond.” I fail to see the reasoning.

p. 86 – Introduce JOANNE with description. (Better if we meet her earlier. I don’t like people talking about a third party we haven’t met yet.)

p. 87 – “She takes her hand” = He [Ulrich] takes her hand.

p. 89 – Kesia alphabetising guests: set up her obsessions and bossiness.

p. 104 – I was hoping the jet exhaust blows the cops over like Keystone Cops.

Citizen M

Forgot to mention: At some point a character should say the words “the very last girl.”

lockedup

I don’t know if it’s because of a cultural barrier, but I didn’t really find this script funny at all. Not trying to be harsh, but some lines strained so hard to be comical – with characters saying completely absurd things for no reason – that their dialogue seemed to lie in the realm of science fiction/fantasy and not real life. There were far too many characters, nearly all undeveloped, and even the most interesting – Roxy – was one-note with her rampant quirkiness. Conversations as a whole would often go on for too long, straying from the point of the plot, and the stakes in many scenes were vague and murky. This premise has the potential to be funny, but only if executed with realistic characters and more concrete goals to link scenes.
FD

First of all: Go the Kiwis! Secondly: Carson, if you were so dead set on reviewing a Kiwi’s screenplay, you could have done mine. Thirdly: To the script:
Typos and missing hyphens on the first page are never good if you’re trying to get past a reader, so I would get someone to clear those up if you’re not directing it yourself, which you say you are, but I’m just saying…
But, I loved the opening. I loved Donald and was a bit sad that he didn’t really play much of a role in the film. The setup was nice and I thought all the characters were distinctive. I thought the ring rolling a mile was a great laugh, and the whole Coen-brothery thing you’ve got going could be nice.
The idea then ran out of legs and in the middle there are quite a few scenes that don’t take the story anywhere and are just full of pithy sitcom talk, only marginally funny and it would have been better to leave them out in my opinion. There are some good laughs in there without it deteriorating into toilet humour with girls being hit in their vags and things. No one is going to laugh at that.
All in all, though, I liked it, and not just because I’m in your extended whanau. I just think – and this is something that a lot of comedy writers forget – is that you have to have a basis of seriousness from which the jokes spike up. If the whole feeling is funny funny funny without a break, the jokes have to keep getting wilder to stand out from the rest, and that ends up escalating to this kind of slapstick feeling you end up with here. Take the pedal from the metal a bit and allow the jokes to shine out rather than suffocating them in other, similar jokes. It means killing some of your babies, but if you look closely at some of the jokes, you will notice that a few less would be more.
cheers

carsonreeves1

I agree with that. You have to instill pillars of reality from which the comedy can flow. If nothing is serious, there’s no authenticity to the humor, and it starts to feel hallow. Although I suppose you could argue that Dumb and Dumber gets by without doing that. Not sure why the rule seems to matter for some scripts but not for others.

FD

Yeah, how Dumb and Dumber did that I don’t know. I think some of the gags were maybe not in the script, but in the way Carrey and co. played it. I mean, he’s the king of over-the-top acting. Perhaps the grimaces and fart gags were his idea (?)

sheebshag

Where’s this week’s scripts? Carson only sent out Wednesday?

Poe_Serling

Yeah, what’s up with that, Carson? ;-)

and

Just saw The NY Times article on ScriptShadow… good stuff indeed! But I gotta ask – Is that really you hiding behind the laptop or did they have to hire a stunt double?

carsonreeves1

Good question…….. :)

Poe_Serling

Carson E. Reeves…. now it all makes perfect sense… the “E” stands for elusive.

cfyork

I have to admit I thought this was pretty well written. It’s very quirky and very “english” (I didn’t know NZ was so close to english wit and phrasings) but overall it’s a solid romcom effort. I think this will come out find on film providing it is cast welll but that will be the hard part because so much of this story rides on how an actor/actress will portray these characters. Roxy was a great character. Duke seemed a bit forced. I would have toned that one down a bit. The rest were pretty solid. Again, I really liked it and would say it is one of the better amateur friday scripts i have read.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=804792429 Craig Paulsen

Loved this script, the situations and the characters. The pacing was excellent and the dialogue was very funny. I fell in love with Roxy. What script was everyone else reading?
Michael D

Hi Everyone! Just a note to say thanks for all the feedback. Good or bad its been really helpful to get some perspective, and the chance to get dozens of people to read your work is a rare and beautiful thing. I’ve been describing the project as a cross between the “Goonies” and “His Girl Friday” (but with the gender roles swapped) – so those people who picked the screwball comedy side of things – kudos. I’ll keep you all updated as to what happens with it in the future. Cheers!