amateur offerings weekend

All I do with every free minute I have is watch McGregor-Mayweather press conferences, then the post press-conferences of those press conferences. And then the reactions of people to those press conferences. I’m telling you right now – somebody’s going to make a movie about this some day. It might as well be you.

Here’s how to play Amateur Offerings if you haven’t played before: Read as many of this weekend’s scripts as you can and VOTE for your favorite in the comments section. Winner gets a review next Friday.

If you’d like to submit your own script to compete on Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Title: The Last Moon
Genre: Supernatural Horror
Logline: On the night of a full moon a man reveals to his brother he was attacked by a werewolf on a business trip to Vancouver and is now cursed. It might be the ranting of a madman, but as doubt creeps in and midnight approaches the brothers’ reunion takes a disturbing turn. A chilling thriller in the vein of 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE but with a supernatural twist.
Why You Should Read: I wrote this very contained script so I could produce/direct as per Carson’s advice about the best way to get your career going. I believe there is also, as per Carson’s advice!, a human condition aspect to the story amidst its thriller/horror genre, or at least I intend there to be. It’s a werewolf story but my goal here was not to write/produce a gory b-movie, instead I asked myself the question what might a Hitchcock or Polanski micro-budget werewolf movie be like? So more psychological-suspense genre than action/gore horror was the intention, also taking that route so the film can be made on a micro-budget. I also created a mock-poster to get things going as I am determined to produce/direct The Last Moon in the fall and want to make the script as good as it can be before then so any feedback I get should I be selected would be invaluable to the development process. I read the site every day so I look forward to seeing the other submissions regardless of the fate of mine so good luck to all.

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Title: Hellpig
Genre: Horror/Comedy
Logline: When pipeline construction encroaches on its pristine Dakota Badlands territory, a giant prehistoric pig creature unleashes hell on a group of unsuspecting humans, who must band together in order to survive.
Why You Should Read: Longtime SS lurker here, ready to throw my script into the pit. Hellpig is a heapin’ helpin’ of action, gore and camp with a Sharknado tone, a unique monster and buckets of blood. Thanks to Carson and everyone for the opportunity and the reads.
Carson Bonus: 5 Scriptshadow Points for the best “Hellpig” poster tagline!!

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Title: Margot
Genre: Psychological/Supernatural Horror
Logline: “A troubled teenage girl discovers a diary that links her to a beautiful socialite from over 200 years ago who represents everything she is not and everything she will do anything to be.”
Why You Should Read: My name is Thomas Mann (no relation to the German master, unfortunately!). I’m 25 and from the UK. Over the last couple of years I’e placed in the Top 20 of Launching Pad contest, quarter finals of Screencraft Horror, semifinals of Screencraft Family Friend contest and finalist of the BBC Writersroom. — You should give this script a read as it looks into some of the most current themes effecting the youth of today. It shows how easily manipulated kids are and the razor wire they walk during the tumultuous teenage years. Also, it’s fucking scary and has massive franchise potential.

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Title: Star Crossed
Genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy
Logline: A young couple wish upon a falling star, then must save themselves and their families, from the alien creatures that fell to earth aboard the meteor they wished upon.
Why You Should Read: My name’s Sal. I’ve been posting on Script Shadow for about three years now (not all under my government name). I’ve been sitting on the Amateur Weekend sidelines for a good long while now, talking all types off stuff, so this is my bid to get off the sidelines and onto the playing field. — This is a genre take on Romeo and Juliet that I doubt anybody asked for, but felt compelled to write anyway. It runs the two teens at the heart of the story through a crazy night, filled with actions and emotions that bridge the above listed genres and more. There is also a definite surprise or two in store. And most importantly, the story is faithful to the spirit at the heart of the premise. It’s a story about love and family. If the title and logline strike you as even remotely interesting…give it a whirl.

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  • BMCHB

    Makin’ Bacon, bitches!

    • Scott Crawford

      Best me by eight minutes. Had a bacon sandwich for breakfast this morning. Start the day the right way.

      Where does the best bacon come from?

      • BMCHB

        Denmark, allegedly. I struggle with eating bacon as I would love a pet pig.

        Maybe this one:

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/40ae07b211d4f67b7d663ed51a855e502fee31898a1f6f3d94fe7ed32fd59a8f.jpg

        • Scott Crawford

          There’s a movie there.

          “When his owners’ boat is hijacked by Thai terrorists, a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig swims to the rescue.”

          THE WHOLE HOG

        • Randy Williams

          Stephanie Jones. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

          • Stephjones

            Ha. I’ve been there! The pigs are in the Exumas in the Bahamas. Pigs are awesome.

          • klmn

            They’re awesome barbecued.

        • klmn

          • PQOTD

            Lmao, k. Where on Earth do you find all these? Hilarious.

          • klmn

            They show up on the nonfiction channels. Animal Planet, Discovery, and National Geographic.

            Mountain Monsters is a funny show. They have this bunch of hillbillies, and they go out hunting various monsters. Bigfoot, Hogzilla, The Jersey Devil, whatever. So they go out and set traps and run around with guns.

            Then, at the end of the show, they hear a noise and they all run like hell. Then they talk about how they “almost got it.”

          • PQOTD

            Oh, cool! I haven’t heard of ‘Mountain Monsters’, but the ‘hearing a noise and running like hell’ is funny as. I think we all know someone who’s like that. If they’re not falling for monster tales, they’re being probed by aliens (because, you know, aliens have nothing better to do after their inter-stellar journeys).

      • klmn

        Pigs.

  • Scott Crawford

    Votes so far.

    • Kirk Diggler

      1/2 vote each for Hellpig and Margot.

    • scriptfeels

      I never got quoted :(

  • James Michael

    Hey guys, Congrats on getting your scripts through. These are just my first thoughts on the loglines and in no way reflect the actual scripts BUT I had been preaching for a while the importance of loglines over scripts (at least at this stage in the game). so here goes…

    THE LAST MOON: The concept sounds cool enough but the logline doesn’t do it any justice. I kind of had to guess that this might be a contained thriller until you mentioned Cloverfield Lane (which you probably shouldn’t do in a logline anyway). It also talks about the protagonist as being with his brother who might also be a madman? Are they estranged?

    If I was you I would 1) drop the Vancouver mention – this serves no purpose. 2) work out who the protagonist is and tell the logline from his POV 3) if this is contained, find a way of working it into the logline

    HELLPIG: Sounds pretty awesome. My only real concern is the lack of character. Is the Hellpig the main character? you mention a group of unsuspecting humans, but that is vague. I think you need to work out who the lead is and tell the logline from his POV

    EXFIL: Easily the best written logline of the group. The real issue is one that gets brought up all the time here (and I don’t subscribe to it all the time, if the script is well written) but there is no real X-factor angle here. You’ve been writting a while so I can assume the story will be well told, fast paced and sharp. But is that enough? Yet this is probably the one I will red based of how clear the logline is. You have a point to make and you made it.

    MARGOT: I see what you’re going for but you didn’t crack it. The obvious problem here is that it literally makes no sense. Read the last few words and tell me that makes any sense. Writing this off as a simple error, I still think the issue here is lack of clarity.

    The first part is fine – the troubled teenage girl and diary angle. But then tell us what she wants to get from the diary. What happens when she reads it? What does it do? This is just super vague and I couldn’t even guess for a second where this story might go. And by that I mean the first 5 pages (we want to be surprised by we also want to be grounded to a certain degree)

    STAR CROSSED: This sounds cool in all honesty, but is still just a little vague. For example, what did the young couple wish on the star for? Is their relationship in trouble? Is their life falling apart? Does their wish have any impact on the story other than sounding cool in a logline? the irony of them fighting against the thing they wished on sounds like fun, but if it doesnt actually factor into the plot than you might want to ditch it from the logline and use the words to clarify other factors that are missing in the logline e.g you could add urgency, stakes (aliens is vague), even make the goal a little clear – pair it with some urgency “they must stop the aliens before..” or “they must stop the aliens before they…”

    Loglines blow. They’re a pain to write and don’t always reflect the story or the quality of the work and writer. But the world that we live in dictates that we get these right lest we never advance to the next round. Good luck all :)

    Oh and side note. A website that I used to use to test run loglines is ‘logline.it’. You can post your loglines here and get feedback from other amateurs. Not sure how busy the sight is, but might be worth checking out for anyone who is interested

    • Scott Crawford

      EXFIL works best for me, I love a good B-movie (don’t take offence at that term, most blockbusters are just overstuffed B-movies. I like things that down and dirty and honest). This is the sort of thing that sells all the time… which is a blessing and a curse. I agree with you, .James, there’s no new HOOK here. If there IS, it needs to be IN the logline.

      Otherwise this would make a great vehicle for, if not Scarlet Johannson then maybe her stunt double, Heidi Moneymaker (last seen kicking Keanu’s butt in JW2).

      https://www.redbulletin.com/sites/default/files/images/body_slam_ouch_stunts.jpg?downsize=1160:*

      • James Michael

        I’d go the stunt double over Scar Jo. I just can’t see her getting down and dirty in Mexican Cartel land. Plus I’m now in love with Heidi Moneymaker – great photo

        And yep that’s 100% the problem with EXFIL. it’s kind of a shame now days that these kind of scripts don’t get noticed. I’m sure it’s a well written piece (as the votes will probably reflect) but I can barely go 10 minutes without looking at my phone. Unless there is something truly page turning in this script that I haven’t seen before, or a hook of some kind then it doesn’t cut it. It’s a sad state of affairs really, but like television has managed to of late, we have to adapt to the market or die a horrible death

    • Sal Ayala

      “Does their wish have any impact on the story other than sounding cool in a logline?”

      Hey James, writer of Star Crosses here. To answer your question: Absolutely yes!
      Thanks for all your thoughts and I hope you read on.

      • James Michael

        Awesome. I think that’s a good thing but I would honestly suggest putting it in the logline if possible. It might be a cool reveal and you might be trying to save it. But If it happens in the first 15pages then don’t consider it a spoiler. We don’t have that luxury. Anything that might make us want to read it, throw in there.

        And good luck too. I’ll most definitely take a look at your script later on anyway when time is on my side :)

    • Erica

      I use logline it too, it’s a pretty good sight and some helpful tips. My one logline is now at 2800 views, yikes!

  • Scott Crawford

    I’m working all weekend so I’m not sure if I’ll have the time for indepth analysis. But I will say THESE WYSRs are a real improvement over some other weekends. Confidence AND humility. Humor WITHOUT irritation. Not THAT difficult.

    Best of.. no, wait, no LUCK… it’s never “luck.” Let the best screenplay win!

  • carsonreeves1

    Let me know what you guys think about the first page format. I will not be offended if you don’t like it. Just trying something new. :)

    • BMCHB

      I like it. Great idea!

      • A Man is No One

        It’s better than being boared to death.

        • JasonTremblay

          Water boared?

        • PQOTD

          Hahahaha…

    • Scott Crawford

      Do you mean Hellpig’s first page, guv? I like it.

    • James Michael

      Oh damn,

      As a reader I love it and think it makes perfect sense!

      If it was my script being submitted though, i’d probably be against it. But that’s just because it would really put the pressure on me to write a banging first page… which I guess is the point.

      So yeah. Good idea! Great addition!

      • carsonreeves1

        For teaching purposes, it’s great. You get to see your page up against other pages. I noticed that by looking at these pages “side by side” you can already see some pages you’d be resistant to.

      • Erica

        Was thinking the same think. I like but as the writer I would feel totally exposed, like we don’t have a enough insecurities…

        I think it’s a cool idea.

    • scriptfeels

      I was just about to comment how much i appreciate the first page post. I view ss on my phone 80% of the time and this gives me a way to read on my phone. Much thanks!

    • Randy Williams

      I’d rather have all the title pages so I can position my old Boy Scout ruler against the screen.

      • carsonreeves1

        lol

      • JasonTremblay

        I often “position my old Boy Scout ruler against the screen,” but usually while looking at gay porn.

        • PQOTD

          Lol. Definitely a guy thing.

    • Scott Serradell

      Looks sharp!

      • Linkthis83

        So does that avatar.

    • klmn

      I like it.

    • Randall Alexander

      Keep it. Saves us time.

    • JasonTremblay

      BIG fan of it. I know it’s judgemental, but that’s this industry in a nutshell, but you can tell a lot from the first page. Can the writer capture your interest? Typos that show lack of care? Interesting characters? It’s all there.

    • klmn

      Going OT again.

      For whoever writes about the MacGregor Mayweather hype, here’s a title for you: Fools And Their Money.

    • Linkthis83

      This first page stuff is freaking nonsense. Who the hell thinks the first page isn’t important?

      “But, Link, it’s the most important!”

      Nope! It sure the hell isn’t. The reason why is because…after they finish with page one, then comes page 2. And if page 2 sucks, well…at least you got them to page 2 because of page 1?

      You can’t fake a page one. And comparing your page one to other page ones is idiotic. Your story isn’t their story. And just because their page one looks prettier doesn’t mean it’s better.

      Oh…it reads better you say…well then maybe they have a better effing story. Or are more talented. Or whatever reason exists.

      You can’t fake page one. You might be able to sell a story you won’t eventually deliver on. Which is most scripts I read anyway.

      Is the true sentiment here that too many people are just LAZY on page one? Doubtful. I would say that too many people aren’t skilled enough…yet…or never will be. Telling people that are AMATEURS to writer better is illogical.

      I don’t have a problem with you showing the first pages…but I do have a problem with how that is interpreted.

      I know you are a “I can tell by page one” guy, and so are a lot of professional readers, but even then they will say by page 3 – So why aren’t we effing touting how important the first 3 pages are then?? It’s nonsense.

      The only thing showing the first pages accomplishes here – on AMATEUR OFFERINGS WEEKEND – is to facilitate those who don’t have the time to open them all or help those who justify how critical they are going to be in the first place.

      This is a place you’ve created to give those who are looking for an opportunity to be discovered, and if not discovered, a chance at some much needed reads and feedback. That’s the whole point.

      Either open the scripts and help the writers out who need it or don’t.

      Telling someone their page one isn’t great doesn’t effing do anything. How the hell are they going to grow from that feedback. And readers can’t give feedback that is actionable unless they open the damn things and read further in. That’s just as true a statement as those who say page one is important.

      That’s not an insight, it’s common sense. Of course page one is fucking important.

      (believe it or not, I actually took five minutes to calm down before typing this :)

      • What the What?

        I’m confused, are you pro or con? So much rambling on both sides.

        • Linkthis83

          This is a reflection upon a page one sentiment that has been promoted on here and supported. I have no idea what people are doing with this page one belief and how they are making their scripts better because of it. I don’t care if he puts them up on AOW or not. But it sure does allow people to not read scripts because of this page one belief system. And that I’m against. Either help the writers or don’t. But don’t use page one as the reason…(unless you fall into the category of I’m using page one to figure which one I’m going to give feedback on because I don’t have the time to help them all).

      • Will_Alexander

        FWIW, I agree with some of this and disagree with other parts.

        I guess it comes down to what one expects from AOW. If it is to workshop an in-progress script from someone learning the basics, then Yes, telling them that page one isn’t great won’t help them all that much (especially without getting into specifics of WHY it isn’t great).

        But if one expects to judge the scripts against existing work that one likes — how does this script stack up, for instance, against the last sold spec I read — then the reader has every right to be critical of page one and expect that critique to be useful to the writer.

        But I really don’t think telling amateurs (or anyone) to write better is illogical. I think that what you mean by that is, “Of course these writers want to get better, so just telling them to do that without providing specific, actionable notes doesn’t help them.” And I would only disagree with the assumed premise: that of course these writers want to get better.

        Not every writer wants to get better. And I think most of us who try to read and provide notes for fellow amateurs have come across at least one who doesn’t at some point or another. So maybe our guard is up when we’re faced with a handful of scripts from folks we don’t know.

        ALL THAT SAID, I do believe it is extremely useful to a writer of any experience level to face the fact of the immediate critique. This is how it works. For someone who lacks representation but is lucky or dogged enough to get their script onto the hard drive of someone who reads for a living, they need to know that they will not be workshopped or nurtured — they will be judged, immediately and harshly, by what they chose to put on page one.

        It is, like so many things, something I wish I had learned sooner. I, personally, always needed a combination of kind cheerleaders like yourself, Link, and cold-hearted assholes like myself. That’s how I got better.

        • Linkthis83

          I’m going to reply in an abbreviated format for brevity’s sake :)

          -People should definitely be critical of page one. Using only page one is my issue – here on AOW – because I assume all writers are trying to get better – that’s my base disposition – if they are not, so be it – I’m here for the ones who are and I don’t know which are which. And it’s not like they get this opportunity any time they want it – so treated them like it’s the business is effing weak. It’s not the business. I want them to get the most out of this opportunity for when the time comes where they are justifiable judged harshly, they are better prepared for scriptwise – not emotionally.

          Telling a writer to writer better doesn’t make them know HOW to write better. All it tells them is that they aren’t at a professional level yet. Which is typically obvious. And even the ones who actually write well, don’t story tell at the level they need to. Again, my issue with only judging page one and saying they aren’t ready yet.

          Plus…it’s not our job to decide for them. We aren’t the business and acting like the business when we aren’t isn’t real world experience for them anyway.

          I don’t mind people being guarded and unwilling to invest in scripts. I mind when they use bs reasons not to do so.

          And when I give notes…I’m not nurturing. But this is a place for workshopping…if their script isn’t up to snuff.

          If the work is ineffective it’s ineffective. That’s useful. And even more-so when it comes with the why and how. Just saying page one didn’t get you to read further and walk away without any other explanation other than “that’s the business” is pretentious and not useful. Because…why should you believe that person to begin with?

          But do see things from your POV, but here, on this site, at this moment, I disagree with most of your take – accept the portions where you kind of agreed :)

          I think cold is just as valuable. But where I’ve been specific in my gripe(s) today, I feel strongly about like you do with your take.

          And I think the strength in our opposite beliefs is where the real value is. Not just mine, and not just yours.

          • Will_Alexander

            All fair. I approach AOW with the idea that the writers have posted their work in the belief that it is at least close to ready for professional-level exposure, and that colors how I receive it.

          • Linkthis83

            Yep…makes perfect sense.

          • Linkthis83

            Sent you an email, btw. No idea if the addy I have for you is old or not.

      • cjob3

        you should down-vote it then. So far it’s 22-0.

        • Linkthis83

          Miracle Max: Have fun stormin’ the castle.
          Valerie: Think it’ll work?
          Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.

          • cjob3

            you’re probably right. Still, I’d be curious to see in anyone else is against it – maybe there’s a downside I’m not seeing. Besides, ROCKY: It ain’t over til it’s over.

          • Linkthis83

            I don’t have an actual issue with the page ones being made available – it’s only if people are going to use the “page one has to be great or I’m not reading” sentiment – there are already so many reasons people won’t read or will quit reading.

          • cjob3

            I don’t think he’ll get too many people taking one page as a make-or-break deal on the read. And if voters only read page won they should preface their vote with that fact. (And from what I’ve seen, people generally say where say where they stopped reading). If page one is so bad that it makes people stop reading – it probably needs to go back in the oven anyway. IMO

      • Paul Clarke

        The first page is the most important in a script because every page builds on those that came before it. Like a snowball rolling down a hill. You can’t have a powerful moment later in your script if you didn’t put in the hard work early on.

        But by that very logic you also can’t judge a first page without reading more of the story.

        Notes from the first page or pages are really just about the CRAFT. And that stuff is important. If a writer doesn’t know how to dramatize a scene, create a point of view, use visual storytelling, etc in the first few pages then it’s unlikely they’re going to suddenly learn that stuff half way through the script. Although I still think you need 10-15 pages to be able to accurately analyze someone’s level of craftsmanship.

        But craft is not all this is about, people also want feedback on their STORY, and you have to read a lot more to have any beneficial understanding of the story they’re trying to tell.

        When I was last in AOW I had lots of conflicting notes about the early pages, and then one reader (wish I could remember who) who had written notes and critized the opening came back and edited his notes and said he’d read through to the end and decided the opening was just fine the way it was and to not change anything. I all built toward that end. So always remember that when reading notes that aren’t from a complete read.

      • brenkilco

        You can’t tell whether a script is going to be any good from a first page. But you can sometimes tell that it’s going to be bad. Obvious grammatical errors, awkward or just plain wrong word choices, poorly constructed sentences. It’s no defense to say we’re amateurs. An amateur can afford these problems least of all. No one is anxious to read what he’s written. And if there’s no confidence that the writer can tell a story, no one is going to take the trouble to get through the story.

        Nothing much needs to happen on the first page but enough needs to happen so that you can have some confidence something is going to happen. And the writing needs to be competent.

      • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

        The first page is only important if someone reads it lol

    • cjob3

      Brilliant idea. Can’t believe it wasn’t thought up sooner. It’s like a lil taste spoon at Baskin Robbins.

    • Pugsley

      I like the new format. And, yes, you can tell by the first page.

      • PQOTD

        I’d argue you can certainly tell most craft-type things like format and attention to detail with the writing (i.e. are action and description lines written sloppily or incoherently, or is the writing crisp, visual and clear? is the dialogue ‘on the nose’? is the writing littered with unfilmables, typos or is it grammatically poor? are sluglines used appropriately?). You should be able to get a sense of tone and pace.

        But story, character and conflict won’t always be so immediately evident, so I’d never bail on a script on page 1 UNLESS it was deliberately written to be cruel or offensive – if it glorifed sexual abuse or torture, or celebrated sexism or racism or homophobia, for instance.

        • Pugsley

          I’d still argue that you can tell if a writer can write by the first page. Certainly, the story and characters may unfold in the next ten to twenty pages. But if a script isn’t good on the first page, it’s highly unlikely that story or those characters will be worth following.

          I liken it to the master painters. It’s been said the best art critics in the world can tell who painted a masterwork even if they were only furnished with a quarter inch squared of the canvas. A quarter inch! In other words, that master painter’s style and “voice” are embedded in that tiny piece of the whole. They can tell simply by noting the way the brush stroke was applied to the canvas. A brush stroke!

          Take a look at an Aaron Sorkin script. Or one by Shane Black. Or Tony Gilroy, or Jane Goldman or Shonda Rhimes. Their first pages sing! They invite you to come on in, sit down and get comfortable, cause a juicy tale is in the offing. First pages matter so much more than you’d think because they’re the portal to another world.

    • RBradley

      Reading first pages one after another helps me immensely (I think…selfishly). It makes me want to write better, myself…to find the hook. Writing a compelling first page suggests a command of the form, a strange attractor type idea…or a “voice” I want to listen to. I don’t believe that I can be of much help to the writers here because I don’t really know what I’m talking about regarding screenplays. But I came here to learn from the ones who know what they’re doing. This format definitely helps me to decide if I want to open a script or not. (Again, for my own benefit.) I think this site has a ton of freeloaders like me. And I really appreciate the work you all put into your reviews.

    • BellBlaq

      I appreciated this; it’s the only reason I gave feedback.

    • NajlaAnn

      It’s a great idea!

    • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888937/ Rick McGovern

      I think you should keep it… though looking through them, with the exception of the second one, they look like novels, especially tat first one… that first page scares the hell out of me and I didn’t even read one word of it!

    • Master John Moss

      Keep it. DEFINITELY keep it. It raises the bar for submitters. If someone hasn’t put the necessary time in, mastering the superficial fundamentals of screenwriting: formatting, spelling and grammar, and that’s plainly evident simply by looking at their first page, then it’s super-duper unlikely they got the hard part down: crafting a story meant to be seen on the big screen.

  • James Michael

    Just a note on the ‘first page’ of a script concept.

    It’s something I have been fighting against internally for ages now. I keep telling myself that the first page isn’t as important as everyone makes it out to be. And if I write a great script with an unfolding story than the reader will give me the benefit and I shouldn’t put so much hype on my first page.

    Unfortunately I’ve lately (the last two weeks) decided that I was wrong. The first page is important. So much more than we want to admit. Just to prove the point, this week I was only going to read the first page of each script before deciding which one to read more of (as luck would have it Carson chose this week to put them up for me)

    And it’s not even how interesting the first page in. It’s not even how much it grabs you by the balls and squeezes until you can’t breathe. It’s just a great indication of the types of writers you’re going to get and their aptitude in general.

    For example the first page of LAST MOON is dense. Oh so dense. But, it’s also well written. I can tell the writer both loves to write and loves the story he has written. It’s vivid and paints a great picture. Is it going to be a bit of a slog to get through that text? Yes. Am I going to do it… well that depends on my mood but at least now I know.

    Compare that to EXFIL. There’s probably about as much text on that page as the first paragraph of LAST MOON. I would argue they are both equally as well written, just different (faster, cleaner). That first page has let me know what I am in store for.

    There are other reasons the first page is important. But the point im trying to make is that we (me) need to stop fighting against what is touted as being vital and important and embrace it. The first page is important. As much as I hate to admit it

    • carsonreeves1

      I used to be the same way. “First pages aren’t important! It’s the entire script that matters!” I would say to anyone who’d listen – usually homeless people over on Cahuenga on my way to the supermarket.

      But when you’ve read hundreds or, in my case, thousands, of first pages, you realize that they’re very important. Like you said, they tell you so much about the writer, the skill level, the voice, and what kind of script you can expect. It’s no different from a good first impression. You want to show yourself in the best light possible.

    • brenkilco

      Totally agree that the first page is important. Primarily as evidence of whether the writer can write and how he writes. But I have to disagree about the first pages of EXFIL and LAST MOON. Both display promise but have large problems.

      EXFIL is written, or really formatted, in the approved style. Every dash properly placed. The only flavor is efficiency. So the page can only be judged by what happens on it. We start with a dull, obligatory conversation between this ‘cute’ couple concerning baby names. The sort of exchange that should only occur while the characters are doing something more interesting. And we follow it up with a cliched expo dump from a handy, cliched reporter character. The first page tells me the writer knows where he’s going but gives me the feeling I’ve been there many times before.

      LAST MOON, as you say, is the opposite. One where the writer sacrifices basic logic because of his love for his own somewhat purplish imagery. First, there should be a permanent moratorium on horror stories that open with desperate runs through the woods, whether subjective or objective. Here we are supposed to assume from an erratic moving POV that someone/something is chasing/being chased. Not sure why because it turns out so far as we can see that neither is the case.

      The POV approaches a lake though it’s unclear, since there’s a wall of beech trees separating the POV from the lake, how we can even see the lake and since the trees are shrouded in darkness how we know they’re beech trees. Now the POV scans the horizon-God this is getting awkward- which would seem to be tough since even if there isn’t an impenetrable phalanx of beech trees on the far shore there is, though we aren’t told about it till farther down the page, a big cliff.

      I forgot to mention that our buddy the POV approaches the lake with quiet steps. We have to take the writer’s word for this since POV’s don’t have legs and the soundtrack is supposedly filled with desperate panting.

      The POV turns out to be, DA DUM, a ordinary guy who can run really fast, who is somehow both sickly and athletic, who silently communicates to us that he isn’t just a masochistic running enthusiast but is actually trying to jog himself to death, and also has a spiritual connection to the moon. The actor they pick had better be able to do amazing things with his eyes. We already have the idea that this script is going to be loaded with unfilmables an in need of a cold eyed edit.

  • Randy Williams

    HELLPIG

    Tagline for Carson- This little piggie went to slaughter!”

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    I read to page 44. Why I stopped there later.

    Found myself on that page pretty quickly. It’s a fast, easy read. Description is succinct and delicious. For me it overshadowed, what I found to be often cartoonish dialogue which makes it difficult to accept this as reality.

    Channeling “Log” at times is a good thing. But in Log, the participants were fueled by drugs and alcohol in an odd circumstance. Although for me the kids work, because they are kids and you expect them to be odd, in an odd circumstance, Max and his traveling companions did not. Just too cartoonish.

    Like I said, I thought the kids worked and I consistently wanted more of them and less of the others. The campfire scene where we meet them and the problems that brought them to the camp is one of the funniest scenes I’ve ever read on here. I like how the writer uses their problems later on. The pyro, for instance, assigned to build the campfire. I would hope there is more of that. I did get worried, however when the girl who kissed two boys behind her house started to get all psychological about her problem so early with Max. I wanted more exploitation of those problems before they arced into self awareness.

    The creature is short changed here. I really never felt the energy of his weight and height, his mannerisms, his kills. Elk kills became redundant for me.

    I stopped on page 44 because we get Walt and Delma attacked and Delma will never eat a Wendy’s Baconator again. I yearned for some connection between all these moving parts. I’m endeared to the kids, especially Max. What is the result of Delma’s death or anyone else’s death to his well being, to his plans, secret or otherwise? Perhaps there could be?

  • Levres de Sang

    That opening page of EXFIL seems familiar. Is it me or has it shown up before with a different title?

    • Randy Williams

      The logline sounded familiar to me, but “kidnapping a drug lord” is a common choice.

    • Rinse and Repeat
      • Levres de Sang

        Thanks!

    • Scott Serradell

      September 30, 2016:

      Title: Cartel
      Writer: Ben Stoker
      Genre: Action
      Logline: A vengeful DEA agent plots an unsanctioned mission to kidnap Mexico’s most-wanted drug lord, but soon finds himself marooned in cartel land with his hostage and an army of hitmen in pursuit.

      • Levres de Sang

        Thanks! I knew it seemed familiar, but couldn’t find it myself.

      • Scott Crawford

        So the script’s had a boob job?

        • Erica

          It appears to be re written taking into account comments from before so the opening seems to flow better in my opinion from the original.

        • Scott Serradell

          Or penis reduction. Basically shifting your thunder from one place to another.

          • Randall Alexander

            Hahaha!

    • Erica

      I’m not sure I like the idea of the writer not mentioning this. Almost feel like I’m being duped. However, I do understand the goal of trying to get your scripts onto AOW and doing anything you can, so would mentioning this have harmed the chances of an AOW, not sure.

      I did compare the two scripts and it has been re written with some old stuff and new stuff inserted.

  • Stephjones

    I like the first page presented. Makes it super easy for me to decide if I want more.
    That being said, although I’m sick to fucking death of horror scripts every fucking week I’m going to check out Hellpig. First page is well-written and I like the idea. I’m curious how the writer handled it.
    I also want to check out Sal’s scifi/fantasy.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’m not a big fan of horror scripts but when 20 to 40 % of submissions are horror or psycho thriller, what can you do? Maybe have a non-violence week?

      • Stephjones

        Sounds good to me but I think we’re in the minority.

        • Stephjones

          Also, non violence might be a stretch, just sick of bloody gore-fests.

          • Daivon Stuckey

            Yeah, I feel you. I wouldn’t write off horror completely though. I think it’s more like, yeah a lot of people are writing horror because it’s the most common genre for amateurs to break in with, but too many people go the blood and gore route.

  • Sal Ayala

    Writer of Star Crossed here. Thank you so very much for the shot Carson. I’ve never done this before so I’m going to play it by feel as to how much I should check in and respond. A big thanks to anyone who checks it out. And best wishes to all the other scripts up for consideration!

    • Erica

      Congrats on your script in AOW, I’m starting with this one. Quick observation, in all your sluglines you don’t have DAY/NIGHT? Oversight perhaps? They should have DAY or NIGHT.

      • Scott Crawford

        Not ness any if the script takes place largely in one time frame, like a few hours, or in space or underwater. Gravity dispenses with tradional slugs altogether. Waste of space there.

        • Erica

          Guess I’m old school and looking at it from a producers perspective as they will have to be added anyways. It felt off for me, lost in time…

          • Scott Crawford

            My feeling, I may be wrong, is that strict adherence to int/ext and day/night is for shooting scripts so the lighting department know what lights to bring. It’s not AS important in a spec.

            Though I tend to include ALL the detail. For clarity.

          • Erica

            The shooting script is a myth. It should be included in a spec or all scripts. It’s also about budgeting.

          • PQOTD

            Shooting during the day’s cheaper – you don’t have to bring in additional lighting or pay the crew overtime.

          • Kirk Diggler

            The lighting department doesn’t have to worry about what lights to bring because they have ALL THE LIGHTS they need in their ten ton grip & electric truck, conveniently parked near set.
            https://www.cinelease.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Ten-Ton-Copy.png

      • Sal Ayala

        I know…but I took the risk anyway :)

        I wrote it out the right way first. But since the script is really contained in terms of DAY/NIGHT (the daytime scenes stop inside of the first act), I found seeing NIGHT specified for the umpteenth time 50…60…70…80…90 pages in was really tedious. It just made for an ugly page, and an ungainly read.

        So I wagered that the story and description would make that
        clear enough as is (although I do specify exactly when nighttime arrives).

        You’ll find I did a similar thing as it relates to time, as I can only look at the words MOMENTS LATER so many times before I get to feeling like gouging my eyes out.

        With all that being said, you might totally be right. Thanks
        for voicing your concerns and your consideration.

        • Erica

          I get what your saying an I’m sure no producer/agent is ever going to say “don’t read that script, it doesn’t have Day/night.

          But for me, it’s just part of what a script is made of and will have to be added eventually.

          • Paul Clarke

            I agree with Erica.

            It’s odd that you think people will be annoyed with reading them over and over, I find they scene headings just blur together and I barely read them at all, especially if the story is engaging. But the point is if it’s ever not clear (location, time) from the action then I can simply glance up at the last scene heading and know for sure. There’s no point leaving people to guess, or worse, wonder.
            Clarity is king.

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

    Passed over AGAIN! Thanks a lot Carson.

    • Erica

      Bummer, maybe workshop the logline and WYSR here and we can help get it picked.

      • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

        “A Heart Built on the Sand” is what I sent in on June 29th. I actually sent this in YEARS ago when Carson had a gautlet challenge. I chose to pit my dark, urban drama against Allan Ball & Sam Mendes’ “American Beauty” from 1999 which stared Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning.

        I LOVE the element of surprise. This script should be beyond the workshopping stage. Of course I’m open to critiques, hence the submission to Amateur Offerings.

        At this point I wanna get this script in the hands of a Hollywood, power starlet actresses such as: Nicole Kidman, Reece Witherspoon, Cate Blanchette, or Charlize Theron. The way I see it; find the queen for his lead actress heavy script, the rest will follow.

        • klmn

          Still post your logline and wysr.

          I wonder if C is up to a gauntlet challenge? My apes pilot vs the script for the latest apes movie.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Dude, I got a CEASE AND DESIST e-mail from a V.P. at 20th Century FOX that script I wrote is going NOWHERE!

          • Mayhem Jones

            HAHAHAHA this should be in your WYSR!!!!

        • Erica

          That’s just it, we all want to get our script into the hands of Hollywood. Sell the script not the dream. What makes it stand out in your opinion?

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            That’s why you BOTHER with Amateur offering. You post your script to see if it’s good enough.

          • Erica

            Or to see if it’s different enough to stand out.

    • Levres de Sang

      I’d certainly recommend posting both logline and wysr. It could be something minor or major, but when we’re so close to a project we often miss the thing that’s obvious to others.

      • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

        FYI, I didn’t just finish writing this story a couple hours ago. More like 5-6 YEARS ago. #streetcred #theboyknowshisshit

    • klmn

      I agree with Levres. Give us your logline and wysr.

      • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c7d518729491195116ea65055b49afd284e23633f28f00a52bba4f521c735b05.jpg Title: A Heart Built on the Sand
        Genre: Urban Drama

        Logline: The ideal life being striven for by a sexually charged woman in her 40s gets put to the test by the men that she loves and the demands of her job.

        Why Carson should review this script? He owes me this. Back when he had a guantlet challenge I sent this script to him to challenge Allan Ball’s “American Beauty” (1999: directed by Sam Mendes) — and my challenge got discarded by him. But now I just wanna get this script in the hands of Niccole Kidman so I can be the scribe who helps her win an Oscar for best actress. Original idea for this script was a woman undone while the song “Tall Cool One” by Robert Plant plays.

        BLAM! This was copied and pasted from the submission I made to Carson’s e-mail on June 29th!

        • klmn

          Okay, this is going to be harsh. Your logline is awkward. “being striven for by” is a very convoluted way of saying something.

          As for your WYSR, Carson doesn’t owe you this. He’s doing this gratis, and I don’t see how he does so much. And thinking your script is so good as to win an actress an Oscar sounds flaky.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            No, that’s a selling point.

          • gazrow

            Dude, not to sound harsh but your logline is not just “awkward” it’s also incredibly bland! Worse still, there doesn’t appear to be anything at stake? Frankly, I’m not surprised that Carson has steered clear of it. Also, why are you trying to get a script you wrote years ago on AOW? Haven’t you written anything since?!

          • Kirk Diggler

            Obviously you are not familiar with E.C.’s “Chimpy” trilogy.

          • gazrow

            Nope. Can’t say I am.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Only penned two “Give It Up for Chimpy” movies. Probably won’t pen a third. The problem with sequels is that the characters get stale, the audience already knows them. I ONLY wrote a sequel to “Give It Up for Chimpy” because I had a good story to tell. “Love, Music and Monkeys” IS a better story than the first one. BUT what YOU should be more concerned about is how I did with “The Commune” and its sequel. THAT’S where things MAY get interesting for you, Mr. Diggler.

        • Erica

          Without trying to sound mean, I would say demanding Carson owes you is the reason why this keeps getting passed.

          Tell me about your script, not about who you wish to play the parts. What excites you about it?

          The logline is rather generic also. I’m not big on dramas so I don’t know but it reads like this is just a day in the life of a horny woman. Maybe that’s the hook but tell us her demands, what’s her job, why is her life going to change.

        • Levres de Sang

          – I like the title.

          — I sense the genre should be Romantic Drama. (“Urban” suggests that it’s all going to be very street).

          — Logline: Agree with klmn. It lacks both clarity and a “… but this happens” component. As it stands someone is being “put to the test”. How about something like:

          “An attractive fortysomething promises three long-suffering suitors that she will choose between them in one week’s time, but does not count on the demands of her job.”

          — WYSR: Aside from the spelling error (Carson WILL notice!), you don’t sell the script and tell us why WE should crack it open. And that’s all that matters at this stage. The Robert Plant song and the prospect of Nicole K. winning an Oscar are far less important than you saying: “This script is worth your time because…”

          Hope that’s helpful in some way.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            All helpful and thoughtful, Levres De Sang. You are the bees knees!

        • Jaco

          Trajent . . . clap . . .clap . . . Future.

          All kidding aside (sort of), craft a better logline and focus on why the script should be read instead of what you think you are owed. Also, ditch the cartoon art. Do that, and I bet you’ll get your shot.

        • andyjaxfl

          Agree with klmn and levres that the logline is awkward. And “sexually charged” can mean a lot of things. Do you mean sexual awakening? That might be a more interesting phrase.

          The image of the pistol suggests there’s going to be a murder. If so, I’d find a way to include that in your logline. Many entertaining stories start with a dead body!

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Thanks for the advice, andyjaxfl.

        • Malibo Jackk

          Change the title:
          Woman With A Gun

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Carson, it’s comments like this that build my case for a review of the script submitted by a man who has monkey on his shoulder.

          • Malibo Jackk

            Is there a way you could work a crazed pig
            into the script??

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            It’s comments like these that make me happy to know that next Thursday I’ll be surrounded by real writers! People who write novels, memoirs and shit like that. I think it’s a prerequisite that you have pipe in your mouth when you enter the conference.

          • PQOTD

            And does she have an actual gun, or is ‘gun’ a phallic metaphor?

          • Erica

            Shot through the heart and your to blame, darling, you give love a bad name.

          • Davyd SC

            Your love sounds like bad medicine.

          • Erica

            Only when you’re living on a prayer.

          • Davyd SC

            Well, I did use to work on the docks.

          • Erica

            Either way, I’ll be there for you.

          • Davyd SC

            Good to know! For a second there I thought I’d be shot down in a Blaze of Glory.

          • Erica

            We just have to Keep the Faith.

          • Davyd SC

            Well played, you out-Bon Jovi’d me. You must be an East Coast girl. Your prize is a Bed of Roses.

          • Erica

            Always.

          • Davyd SC

            Maybe you were born to be my baby.

          • Malibo Jackk

            I think it was Dino De Laurentus –
            his first deal involved purchasing a foreign movie that didn’t do too well abroad. The movie was called A Day In Heaven.
            He changed the title to A Day In Hell and released it in this country.
            It was his first success.

            That kind of thing.

          • klmn

            Woman with a phallic metaphor would be a great title.

          • PQOTD

            Lol, but I’m sure it’d find many critics.

        • Master John Moss

          Just so you’re clear, your logline and the reason for considering your script reads like this:

          Title: The Mind is a Green Garden
          Genre: Psycho Thriller
          Logline: A super-competent brain surgeon, who’s the toast of the town, is challenged by the board of directors at his hospital, two of whom are his relatives.

          I’ve paid my dues, now it’s time I was finally fucking recognized! This script keeps getting passed over, which makes ZERO sense. It’s like ‘Jacob’s Ladder,’ only written by Aaron Sorkin. This is the script that if Bradley Cooper did it would get him AT LEAST a Golden Globe. I came up with it when I was eating pasta at a restaurant while listening to The Kink’s song ‘A Well Respected Man.’

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            You don’t sound like much of a “master” to me. Pass on EVERYTHING you just posted.

          • Master John Moss

            It really does suck, doesn’t it? So there you go.

          • Jack madden

            hahahahaha

        • Jack madden

          I think your premise is very intriguing; it seems risqué, like a 50 shades thing going on. Incidentally, if you rearrange the letters of
          your title you have: ‘I shat a blue tent hard on’. And if you wanted to be more erotic than risqué, you could always rearrange ‘blue’ for ‘lube’. Good work man.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Ha ha!

        • Will_Alexander

          willalexander1 at yahoo if you want some notes on it.

          I’m curious.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Yippe! Sold my FIRST ticket in the movie-making business, boyz. Right from the horse’s mouth in the form of Will_Alexander!

            Will, I already send this script to Carson for a review. If he decides to do so the link for this script will be available to all. But for you need to bone up and get ready to read that script by listening to song, “Tall Cool One” by Robert Plant.

          • Will_Alexander

            Maybe I’m drunk but I swear to God I’ve got no idea what is happening in this entire thread.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Drug testing. Get yourself tested. Get the help you need. THEN maybe some of this will start making some sense.

  • carsonreeves1

    “Main vote: Hellpig
    Runner-up: None”

    Someone needs to turn this into a t-shirt.

    • BoSoxBoy

      A campaign t-shirt for you-know-who in 2020.

      • r.w. hahn

        I doubt Hillary is running agian in 2020. Ha!

        • BoSoxBoy

          I knew I should have added “re-election” before “campaign”.

          • r.w. hahn

            As writers we sometimes forget words or the absence of them are extremely important. It opens our thoughts up for all kinds of interpretation…LOL! MAGA!

          • BoSoxBoy

            To that end, yes, Make Australia Great Again!

          • r.w. hahn

            Yes please. They are suffering from the same policies we’ve been forced to swallow too. :)

    • Erica
  • Poe_Serling

    AOW

    I guess Carson was in a horror/action/fantasy kinda of mood with his
    selections this week. Good luck to all the featured writers as battle
    their way to the top of the heap.

    Some quick thoughts before cracking each one open:

    >>The Last Moon -werewolf scripts have been a staple on this site
    for a long time, and I’ve seen quite a few of them make it to the AF
    round.

    >>HP – kind of an updated Razorback (popular cult horror film from
    the mid ’80s). Instead of set in the Australian outback … now the
    Badlands of South Dakota

    >>ExF – back for a second trip around the AOW track.

    >>M – this one seems right down Lev’s alley.

    >>Star Crossed – always nice to see another familiar name from
    the comment section getting a shot at the AF title.

    I’ll probably start with Moon… and then Hp… Star … and so on.

    • Levres de Sang

      Margot certainly sounded promising, but unfortunately I’m in agreement with H. Monk’s evaluation: “This comes across more as a chick-flick, coming-of-age story than a supernatural horror.”

    • Paul Clarke

      To followup on Razorback the aussies are also currently filming BOAR. Could be a bit of fun, although the last horror from that team was a bit lacking in the writing department.

  • r.w. hahn

    HELLPIG
    “Murder has never been so sloppy.”

    • Scott Crawford

      After the swill comes the kill!

      Of course, it’s not the FIRST killer pig movie.

      • klmn

        Do Aussies use the word Razorback? I know Arkansans and Texans use it to refer to a specific breed of pig.

        • PQOTD

          Could be a state thing in Australia. It’s not a term I’ve come across in South Australia, but we’re more desert, and feral goats, cats and camels are a bigger problem than feral pigs.

  • Justin

    Hellpig:

    “…It’s a pig from hell.”

    (Reviews in progress)

  • Randy Williams

    MARGOT

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    I read 30 pages. . I’d read more. I found this very involving. From the genre given the psychological aspects, I thought, were nicely explored. I’m in the head of this teen girl. I can feel her self questioning, the pressures of peers, why she would be drawn to the diary. The supernatural in those pages is drawn nicely too. The snapping shut of the diary, the green eyes in the shop window. And they come at the right moment to full effect, I thought.
    The horror, not so much. And there is at least one very funny line.
    It all feels so far like a very romanti c coming of age story. I think some may feel it belongs between book covers. There needs to be more stakes and goals and thrust to feel like a current feature?

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpjCroELCew Carmelo Framboise

    HELLPIG
    You don’t wanna make bacon out of this pig

    • Scott Crawford

      Gammon… make his day!

      Pigs might die!

      He’ll give you the chop!

  • scriptfeels

    TLM

    quick note: What is the correct way to title a script pdf? Here the author uses “TLM, july 15th, 2017″, would that be appropriate or should he/she use “The Last Moon” instead and take out the date.

    onto the writing!
    I had to reread the first half by the time i got to the end of the first page. I would reccomend establishing that this scene is done in POV from the onset, that way you don’t have to mention POV six times, since it’s the same pov. economy of words my friend. Keep it simple.

    “He stands, gulping air to catch his breath. It’s as if the

    maniacal dash through the woods was intended to burst his

    lungs and force a horrible, self-inflicted death.”

    I think intended is a strange choice here because it either happens on screen/we see it, or this is the aftermath of it and we see his reaction. Either way, I wasn’t sure if in this movie universe he was supposed to have his lungs bursting now and dead. I understand the scene though because I’m fully aware of the werewolf genre and that in other films that’s what happens to werewolves, where their chests expand and muscles contract, etc.

    page 2,
    I’d recommend using a slugline for “A MODERN ARCHITECT DESIGNED HOUSE by the lake.” Such as:
    EXT. A MODERN ARCHITECT DESIGNED HOUSE by the lake.

    I was about to comment on the camera directions in the script, but as I see you’re looking to direct this, It’s for you to decide. I had forgotten that your goal is to direct this, so now my thoughts have changed on the type of feedback I should be giving you. It should probably be in terms of story, pacing, characters, and plot instead of formatting issues since you are looking to make this. So instead of being more thorough, I’ll do a skim and post some thoughts…

    pg.5
    Also, ugh. I know I said I’d stop with the formatting/grammar issues, but please use v.o. if you are using a voice over. Otherwise it reads like Max is in the room with Charlie.

    I hope king kong is free use for you, you can always just not show the tv and establish that the character is and find tv audio.

    So this bedroom scene is 3 pages, and the majority of it is talking about king kong. What is the purpose of this scene? To show how Max cares for his son, through saying ‘i love you’? Maybe this is a scene that works better on screen. It’s just that to me its not very entertaining because theres no conflict, aside from the dad/Max not being there. How could you add conflict to this scene? Maybe Charlie is angry at his dad for not being there? The only conflict I saw in the scene was that Charlie wants to see jurassic park 2, but that Max won’t take him.

    It’s also pretty confusing because the slugline for that scene is in charlie’s bedroom, but somehow we see Max’ body during the scene and see him hang up the phone. Once again, a simple addition of a logline can help smooth out the read here and make it easier for readers. I understand this is a director/writer, but getting feedback on the script, it might help to format scenes.

    pg.9
    Fred’s line “A fucking monster, huh?” is great stuff! Ironic to the premise and fun. Opposite the last scene.

    pg.20
    Okay, so we have a very long scene of Max talking to Fred retelling the story of how he became a werewolf. It’s engaging and interesting to hear about his journey and how it affected him. Made me feel sad though for Max.

    pg.21
    I’m a little worried that you may make the audience feel similar emotions as Fred, We understand that Fred is frustrated because Max won’t just tell him what’s going on. And that’s the question that we are sticking around to find the answer to. Why is Fred here? That’s the main question driving this scene. And we the audience, along with Fred, have to hear Max’ story to find out. I’m just a little worried that the audience may get frustrated at how long Max is taking to tell his story. Maybe there’s another way to show it without verbalizing it, such as in fred’s actions in the house. Maybe he could tap his finger or show physically on screen that he wants to know why heres there. Maybe he says something along the lines of ‘i’ll need another shot for this’. I’m just brainstorming, here’s the dialogue that triggered the post for me-
    “FRED
    W-what are you saying?
    MAX
    Let me finish. You won’t understand unless I tell you everything.”
    Maybe Max’ line here is a bit on the nose? We know this already based on prior dialogue.

    pg.22
    I like the use of the clock in the scene. It has significance to Max and the audience because we understand Max is a werewolf, but we don’t know what time he’ll transform. So it adds urgency to the scene slightly. Maybe you could use a setup before the scene to add urgency to the story scene. Like if the reader knew he would change at 11, unless you want to keep it as a mystery until it happens.

    Another thing that worries me is that, onscreen this is two brothers talking in an old house. The story is exciting, but is 10 minutes of watching two guys talk in a room exciting for viewers. Be careful, this is a STILL scene.
    Carson references it here.
    http://scriptshadow.net/screenwriting-article-wait-you-can-write-a-great-script-thats-a-terrible-movie/
    The characters are static in this scene, the only ‘movement’ we have had in this movie so far is in the First page. One easy way to add production value to your film is to have characters Move! Maybe give Max and Fred some task they have to do, or some action while he is telling his story. It would also add conflict to the scene and could be used as a setup for when he transforms for his ‘plan’ whatever that plan may be. I understand your directing with few locations in mind here based on the pages i’ve read, but giving the characters some action would bring a lot of life to the Screen.

    pg.23
    I hadn’t really thought of Max’ backstory in terms of his job etc. but his dialogue here is a bit archaic. So wasn’t sure if it was real to the character or a wikipedia article. I do think it’s a good setup that he could potentially kill the ones he loves, but having some insight into this knowledge would benefit the viewer I think.
    “MAX
    For it’s said those cursed by the beast are condemned to kill the things they love the most.
    (beat)
    I cannot let that happen. And that’s why you’re here tonight.”

    pg.23
    I do like the dichotomy of Fred laughing and Max being depressed and suicidal. It’s ironic and breathes life into the scene.
    Once again, Max’ dialogue is a bit strange…. Does having Max become a werewolf change his dialogue too?
    “MAX
    Naturally it’s hard to believe such creatures exist.”

    pg.25
    For some reason I was thinking how Fred got that nice car haha. So I think I like Fred’s introduction a lot for some reason… I know it happened way later, but was thinking about it.
    Also, earlier I mentioned how the characters are static in the scene. Now, they are not! They are looking at materials, Max is showing Fred his research. Something is happening on screen! Will the audience wait 10 minutes of screentime for Max to tell Fred how he became a werewolf while they are sitting in a room?

    I’m going to stop here for now, the read was pretty easy though, just a few screenplay format issues earlier that I mentioned. I think the biggest feedback I’d give on the first act is giving Fred and Max some action during the werewolf story scene. Even if they are eating. Atleast they are doing something.
    Congrats on making it onto AOW and look forward to seeing how this project progresses.

    _Scriptfeels_

    —edit
    reading your wysr, you mentioned a human condition component. I think your script touched on that from showing us each step of Max’ experience through his story. It’s Max’ human condition of going from a loving family to the effects of unknowingly being a werewolf has on that. To me, this is a more interesting angle because we learn to empathize with Max. And once the audience empathizes with your character they become more committed to watch and more engaged. Nice.

    Also, Charlie’s scene is ironic because he has a love for monsters and his dad’s life is in ruins because he’s become a werewolf.

  • scriptfeels

    In TLM, it’s the only action aside from a nice car in the first 25 pages…

    What would you have done differently though A Man is No One? A different setting? It is a werewolf story so a running in the forest pov seems alright to me based on the cabin location. I also liked that we see the character walk to the cabin, because it gives attention to the cabin after the pov scene. And a lot of the film seems to take place there…

  • Erica

    HELLPIG:

    “Too much Bacon will kill you”

  • Randy Williams

    THE LAST MOON

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    I read 12 pages. I might read more. I felt the writer is asking of me too much patience.
    The writing in the first 3 pages is dense but nicely written. But from the logline I already know what his issue is. I need some “what would I might do” and a mystery box perhaps unrelated to his issue.
    The beginning reads like a pharmaceutical commercial to me including the shaking hands in the shower. The scar on his body reminded me of another script, Goldie.

    Why not include some things he can do that are issue related WHILE he talks to his family. A third character or activity that distracts, I find, can elevate a scene.
    -he pulls a hair from his cheek
    – he”s on the roof nailing shut the sky lights.
    -he takes out all the meat from the fridge and lays it out
    -related, he secures his dog in a pen and places the key where only human fingers can reach.

    Things like this to keep us occupied. For me the conversations were not enough in the beginning. Neither was his state of mind. It seemed he was suicidal and with a young child, it felt selfish and I felt, then go ahead and do it.

    Maybe I bailed too soon and iunder the writers directorial skills, my concerns might be moot. But those are my reactions to the script here today.

  • Randy Williams

    EXFIL

    I opened this just to be sure. It’s been on AOW before. My apologies to the writer but there are posters like E.C Henry who could have taken this precious spot. I’m not reading.

    Okay. i’m bitchy today. I bought and consumed a Payday candy bar (peanuts and caramel) that was 2 years beyond the expiration date. My stomach feels like a bounced check.

    • Scott Crawford

      1. I think that’s a reasonable response.

      2. Hope your stomach settles.

    • klmn

      I hope you got a good price on your Payday bar. I’d hate to think you payed full price.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Hey. It’s a Payday. You should be thankful.
      (Or so I’m told.)

  • RO

    Hellpig:
    “You’ll squeal for your mommy”
    “You’ll go ‘weee weee weee’ all to the grave!”
    “Da da da that’s all folks!”

  • Randy Williams

    STAR CROSSED

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    For me the best first page and best concept of the weekend.
    I read 10 pages. Breezy read although don’t understand the attention to cold air as much as it’s given.. I might want to read more because of the concept and it feels like a movie but I’m not particularly drawn to the characters. I think it”s the dialogue that holds me back. Carson had some suggestions Friday about elevating dialogue from the generic.
    I’m not asking for the stylilized dialogue of something like the brilliant “Brick” for these teens but a little more character and attitude would help, I thought.

  • Master John Moss

    You just KNOW that with a fight as big as the McGregor-Mayweather match, and with so many eyes watching, something really and truly ridiculous is going to happen; something completely unexpected that forces a stoppage of the match, resulting in an unclear victor. And then there’s gonna be talk of a rematch, blah, blah, blah…

    I’m just sayin’ don’t pay for it is all. Go watch this upcoming gong show at bar or casino or wherever.

    ‘Merica!!

    • Erica

      Whats a McGregor-Mayweather match? Sports I’m guessing.

      • Master John Moss

        Chess.

        • Scott Crawford

          But is it boxing, I mean, like, REAL boxing? Seems more like a money grab to me. I work at a bookies and I took NO bets on it today (though a guy said he might put a few thousand on it later).

          • Master John Moss

            Is it REAL boxing? Um, yes?? Is it a money grab? Yes, to that as well.

          • klmn

            We’ll know in due time if it’s real boxing.

  • Will_Alexander

    So with this novel format, what can we learn from these opening pages?

    (I’m doing this as much for my own improvement as anyone else’s, so I hope it comes across in the spirit with which it’s intended.)

    THE LAST MOON

    It immediately hits me as dense, and that’s something I’m often guilty of, too. So I wonder if the entire script will be like this. If every word is necessary, I’ll feel some relief…

    But then it seems to me that even the first paragraph could be shortened by at least a couple lines. Panting, running, POV, darting left and right. That’s the actual necessary information in the paragraph, but that information is not delivered with an economy of language.

    The combination of a dense page an over-written description feels like a warning. This is all stuff I’ve done, myself (and may still do to too-great an extent), so I think this writer would benefit from a HARD edit that cuts away all but the absolutely necessary information in the action/description without regard to “talking” so much to the reader.

    HELLPIG

    Good stuff. I only wonder if — since those couple lines of dialogue stand out so much — the writer might want to give that character something to say that grabs us or makes us sit up in some way.

    EXFIL

    Also good, but I wonder here if maybe simply rewriting the reporter’s words to sound less expositional (though I know it’s a news report and sort of the definition of expositional) might make the first page flow a little better. Just anything really to disguise the exposition a little more.

    MARGOT

    Seems a little clunky, like some helpful punctuation is missing. The chase is less interesting than the handwritten words disappearing from the book. Accentuate the cool thing.

    STAR CROSSED

    So, there’s some awkward wording throughout that doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. And it seems we’re starting with a dream. One or the other would be easier to accept, but the combination makes me wary.

    I hope this is as helpful to the writers as it has been to me. I’m about to start a new script and am giving A LOT of thought to the opening page and exactly how it will come across — if it’s even needed at all.

  • GoIrish

    Hellpig – read to p.12. Stopped when Kaci asked what the name of the student that had the affair with the principal was. The only reason Kaci is asking the question is to set up the response from Max. Needs to be a little more organic. The story starts with Hellpig unleashing hell on an unsuspecting truffle hunter. It wasn’t bad, but didn’t feel like anything I hadn’t seen before. We then are introduced to presumably the two main characters – Walt and Max. We meet both of them in cars. I am sure multiple characters throughout movie history have been introduced in cars, so I won’t say that’s wrong – but I feel like something needs to be infused in these first few pages, and that may be an area to look at. So, at this point, I’d say I’m not likely to keep reading.

  • Kirk Diggler

    Star Crossed – since Carson threw down the 1st page gauntlet, I’ll be a little nitpicky here.

    pg 1 – A trillion stars slowly move along the infinite black conveyor belt onto which they’re set.”

    opening action line is kind of ‘meh’

    EXT. LOW EARTH ORBIT
    A satellite is suspended in orbit over earth.

    — action lines should never repeat your sluglines

    “The satellite turns slowly as if hung on a string, it’s instruments ever focused on the bastion of life below it.”

    –this feels over-written

    “It picks up the sound of a school bell ring. The sound of teenagers milling about.”

    —sounds that we are hearing should be highlighted or bolded

    “We peel off the satellite as it slow turns. And head right towards earth.”

    —somewhat awkward phrasing – unnecessary camera direction

    “A gray sky, and sharp chilly air greet happy teens hurrying from their school. The school-bell’s still ringing.”

    –first comma is not needed, the dash between schoolbell is not needed

    “ALEX (18),an athletic hands on learner holds LISA”

    –clunky sentence, what should we gather from ‘hands-on learner’ as a description?… plus this is where you need a dash— hands-on

    pg 2 – “If you want to pull the wool over your own eyes, young man. You do it on your own time.”

    —Why is there a period after young man?

    “He fights his heavy eyes. All he see’s is a haze. His eye lids droop.”

    —The first and last sentence are repetitive.

    “An old red brick building that’s never missed a face lift.”

    –now i’m just confused

    Okay, I read 7 pages. I know Sal is a regular around here, but this script is not getting it done. The conversations are flat. Almost nothing has happened. Lovers kiss. They sit in class trying to stay awake. Cellphone chatter that feels inconsequential. Every action so far has been MUNDANE. It can’t be. It has to lure us into your story from the opening page, which I think was the point Carson’s trying to make by posting page one.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      Like the choice of the word, gauntlet. Gets me to cry now every time I think about it. #weepmeariver

      • Sal Ayala

        No need for a safe space E.C.
        A lot of his criticisms are objectively right.
        The others are his opinion. Both are welcome.

      • r.w. hahn

        If you need a safe space over this might I suggest writing for a Sunday Funnies comic strip and leave the scriptwriting to those of us who can withstand getting eaten up, shredded, and spit out to write another day…LOL!

        • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

          Goldie Hawn, I can’t even get my script reviewed here to see if I’ve thick hide. BTW. GREAT job of acting in “Snatched”, best performance I’ve seen so far in the movies this year!

          • r.w. hahn

            thank you…I did think it was one of my best so far after Overboard

  • Malibo Jackk

    EXFIL
    Quick note on script 13.
    Page 1, opening scene.
    Change order to read:

    EXT./ INT. CAR – MOVING – MORNING
    Heavy traffic. Oppressive heat.
    SUPER: .Mexico City
    At the wheel…

  • Pugsley

    O.T.:

    I just saw the best movie I didn’t see last year: MISS SLOANE, with the lovely Jessica Chastain. And boy, did it not suck. Amazingly, it’s the writer’s, Jonathan Perera’s, first script, which he wrote while living in Indonesia, I believe, and got it Black Listed two years ago and produced with a heavy weight actress and director attached.

    It is nearly perfect in structure with 3D characters whose actions and inner lives serve to propel the story towards a satisfying climax that’s cleverly built into its DNA.

    Sad that this film got lost in the shuffle last year, but I expect huge things from its writer and for it to become a mainstay on Netflix and RedBox. Perera’s obviously got a hard on for Aaron Sorkin’s milieu, but even as a weak Sorkin knock off, it’s still amazingly effective.

    Check this movie out.

    • Kirk Diggler

      Chastain is a great actress.

      • Pugsley

        And she’s hot. :)

        • Kirk Diggler

          Which is a mere bonus. But she married an Italian ‘prince’ so you missed your chance.

          • Pugsley

            How do you know I’m not the Italian prince?

          • Kirk Diggler

            Because you’d be shagging Jessica Chastain right now.

          • Pugsley

            Good point.

            “Jessie! Leave me alone! I’m posting to Scriptshadow now…!”

            (said in the mother tongue of Italy, of course)

    • andyjaxfl

      I caught it a few weeks ago on a plane and I found it riveting.

      • Pugsley

        Absolutely. Sadly, the studio gave it no push at all, opting to act as mid-wife to a stillborn.

    • PQOTD

      Thanks for the heads-up, Pugsley. I missed it at the cinema but I’ll defo get it now.

  • Biju B

    Hellpig –
    ‘Welcome to Hell. One Snort at a time.’

    • cjob3

      In Hell, no one can here you squeal.

  • Kirk Diggler

    Margot – Read 22 pages – I like the hook with the century old diary falling into Georgia’s hands. The writing is pretty good, save for the 1st page fade out and fade in. The story is slow to develop and juggling quite a few elements. There’s Georgia and her frenemy Olivia. Georgia’s father investigating Bethany’s death. Memories of Georgia’s dead mother. The swing back in time to Margot’s era. The sexual escapades at Hollow Point. Georgia dealing with her lack of self-confidence.

    All these elements may work together beautifully or they may get in the way of your main hook with the diary. It’s kind of what i call ‘next page’ writing, where you keep turning pages expecting the main story thrust to appear and it never quite does. If someone asked me what “Margot” is about after reading 22 pages, I’d say a shy girl named Georgia stumbles on an old diary and…. I’m not sure how it will affect the story going forward. I can imagine that the diary will influence her both positively and negatively, as we see in her sassy retort to Alex and the fact that the diary was dropped by Betheny before she died. I can guess that her father’s investigation of Betheny’s death will cross over into Georgia’s possession of said diary. Perhaps Georgia learns to stand up to Olivia. Obvious stuff.

    So, overall, there are some intriguing components at work but I’m unsure whether what’s happening with Georgia is interesting enough to sustain another 80 pages. I’ll try and read more to find out.

  • https://mattedwardwrites.wordpress.com/ Matt Edward

    STAR CROSSED

    Notes during the read:

    Title Page – Not trying to be a dick, but I think “Star Crossed” is usually written “Star-Crossed”… Ultimately may not be important but gave me pause at the title page.

    Page 1 – “Someones” should be “Someone’s”

    Page 2 – TEACHER dialogue: “your” should be “you’re”

    Stopping at PAGE 3

    STRENGTHS: The concept sounds interesting and the fact that you’re tackling ROMEO & JULIET from a genre P.O.V. makes me believe that foundationally, you have something to build upon.

    WEAKNESSES: The technical writing – I try to avoid listing grammatical problems in my notes and even for those that I’ve pointed out there are a number of others that make the opening a bit of a slog. The two noted mistakes are fairly basic… A bit too basic to appear so early on in as you’re trying to suck the reader in. It makes me think that this script may have not gotten a proofread before it was sent in.

    Aside from the grammatical mistakes, the sentence structure just isn’t interesting. It doesn’t move my eyes as much as it should for as concise as it may be. Certain sentences also read extremely clunky to me… And you have this:

    “A cold chill whips and swirls around them…”

    COLD and CHILL are the same thing… I have a feeling you’re going for “Chilly breeze” here. There are few iterations of sentences like this that slow the reading down.

    WHY I STOPPED READING: The writing wore on me and that’s made me check out earlier than I’d necessarily like to. If the writing were at the same strength but the story came out of the gate with a bit more of a hook, I may be inclined to stick around until the inciting incident. Opening with a dream sequence is not a great look… It’s a bit of a cliché that may work later in a script, but isn’t something to come out of the gate with unless you’ve really infused it with something original.

    • JasonTremblay

      Also: “Everyone’s gone. The kid’s, the parent’s…”

      NO apostrophe. It’s plural, not possessive. Kids. Parents.

  • BellBlaq

    After reading the first page previews of each, my vote goes to: Hellpig

    The following are my thoughts from the previews—keep what helps you, discard what doesn’t.

    The Last Moon

    Premise / Originality
    The logline for this immediately brings to mind an episode of the TV show Supernatural, when the Winchester’s barricaded a werewolf in her apartment until they could cure her.

    Though there’s obviously nothing new in the story world, it still bums me out a bit when a script immediately makes me think of something mediocre I’ve already seen.

    Feedback
    -The writing style here brings to mind some kind of VO narration from a writer character. You know, like the opening to Misery? It makes me feel like I’m being told a story instead of watching one unfold. It prevents me from taking off my “critic” hat.
    -Along those same lines, the supposition within the description text does more telling than showing. You’re telling me what impression of the scene I should have instead of showing me a scene from which I can draw my own conclusions. If this guy wants to run himself to death, I haven’t seen it and wouldn’t have known it without being told, so how would the viewing audience know it? Anyone who runs is going to breathe heavily, so if he wants to die, that’s not an indicator. Maybe he should run headlong into tree trunks? Bear hug a rock and plunge into the depths of the lake, taking a hearty inhale once he hits bottom?
    -IMO, too many stories start with someone running through the woods. I get that you’re going for a teaser opening, but consider doing it some other way. I’d have to read on in order to give a suggestion on that, and unfortunately, your first page hasn’t enticed me to do so.
    -In keeping with that, the tone of that first page’s second half suddenly reads like, “look at nature, it’s so pretty!” So, what’s the focus and narrative purpose of this first scene? A dude runs through the woods, presumably he’s the story’s werewolf (or one of them), he was hoping that running would kill him somehow, and then he notices that nature is beautiful, so I guess being alive is ok for now? It feels like a static and pointless scene, lacking a narrative focal point.

    In your rewrites, I suggest you work on providing more showing than telling and in so doing, show the audience something unique to the you who’s writing and the story being told.

    Hellpig

    Premise / Originality
    I’m not much for stories about evil creatures run amok, or Horror/Comedy in general, but due to timing (Cracked.com just posted a video about a radioactive, time-traveling boar—IRL), I find this topic amusing. As far as general originality, it’s fresher than an alien or subterranean dirt/sea monster.

    Feedback
    -I like that something is immediately happening. The script is about that time the construction of a pipeline unleashed a furious hellpig upon the construction crew, and the script begins with a pipeline being laid. Good on you!
    -At the end of the page, I’m kind of curious about what the drunk character is doing. I’m interested in how the hellpig plans to take out its frustrations on him (or try). IOW, I feel this first page’s presentation is clear, the events are easy to understand and I wouldn’t mind reading more.

    Exfil

    Premise / Originality
    So, a DEA agent kidnaps a drug lord because she’s generally vengeful? Ok, obviously not, but my point is that you’ve attached an adjective that doesn’t effectively inform the story (as is). She wants to “show somebody a thing or two,” but who whom and why? And the answer isn’t: read to find out. The answer is part of your supposed hook. Or it should be, cuz “rogue government agent” is far too derivative on its own.

    Feedback
    – “…with her hostage and an army of hitmen in pursuit” read to me like the hostage was also pursuing the DEA agent along with the hitmen. Consider restructuring that sentence.
    -The description text is simple and easy to follow.
    -From reading the first page, I assume the “vengeful” part concerns how the drug cartel is going to instigate the deaths of Caleb and the unborn baby? I almost want to read on just to see if I’m right… but that’s because I’m petty, not because I’m interested.

    The problem with writing familiar stories is the ease with which we write familiar setups for those stories. We have to constantly ask ourselves: How can I make this different from the last 10 movies about this topic? And that pursuit should yield more than a couple of deviations. Making the main character/government agent female is no longer one of the answers. Setting the story wholly in Mexico is a start. Act One revolving around a prison break (or botched prison transport), should be rethought, IMO. It’s hard work; all the easy answers are already taken. But, keep at it.

    Margot

    Premise / Originality
    “…discovers a diary that links her…” When I initially read this, I thought it meant the main character discovered she was the ancestor or reincarnation of the other girl. Now, I wonder if it means she can travel supernaturally back and forth between their lives. I’m not sure which option appeals more to me. And as such, I can’t determine whether or not this feels fresh to me.

    Feedback
    -Another opener with someone running through the forest. (this week, let alone in life!) /sigh
    – “faint, violent whispers…” That’s an odd concept. You can’t quite make out the voices, but what you do hear IS SOME BULLSHIT! Something like that?
    -There are a lot of odd phrasings and unclear images on this first page.
    *** “twigs crunch,” “she crumbles to the ground in a tear soaked mass,” “crunching behind her, surrounded,” “something rushes at Bethany, cutting off her scream…”
    This boils down to: She’s running, someone’s chasing her, she falls, something attacks her, the diary gets buried (by wind or supernatural forces).
    But the way it’s written reads like unrestrained chaos on the page.
    -The image of Georgia scrutinizing herself naked while she comparatively looks at a picture of another naked woman is relatable and instantly makes me interested in her as a character.

    I, personally, think people are misusing the “teaser” portion of their scripts. Or, they’re ineffectively using it (whichever phrasing is less offensive). Writers need to stop, take a step back and honestly evaluate whether or not they would wait out the commercial break or change the channel after their own teaser openings. Or, if their teaser was converted into a trailer, would they go and pay to watch the full movie. I know that’s an easy thing to say and a hard thing to do, but… ‘tis the task you’ve undertaken, no? Had I seen the opening scene for this script on TV, I would have thought, “this could be anything,” and that shouldn’t be the impression your story leaves, cuz I don’t know too many people who are in the market to pay to watch just any old thing.

    Star Crossed

    Premise / Originality
    On one hand, the title immediately made the premise obvious. On the other, there’s a TV show currently airing titled Still Star-Crossed, and like I said to an earlier writer, the last thing you want to do is call to your reader’s mind another mediocre piece. Whatever time they spend thinking about someone else’s work is time they’re not dedicating to reading your story.

    Additionally, while I can’t immediately think of another Romeo & Juliet story set against the backdrop of an alien invasion, there is another TV show from 2014 where a human was in love with an alien. Wanna guess what it was called? Star-Crossed.

    I’m just saying: Change your title, cuz I’m actually interested in your premise!

    Feedback
    -I’m sorry, but his page is riddled with one confusing image after another, seemingly for the sake of fancy wordage.
    ***The stars are moving? Yet we’re close to earth? The sun is the closest star to earth and it doesn’t move. […] The satellite turns slowly as if hung on a string. […] It picks up the sound of a school bell…the sound of teenagers…
    The way you’re saying these things sounds like they’re going to be revealed to be a child playing with a diorama at school, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. But correct me if I’m wrong, and that actually is how space and satellites work.
    -What do “hands-on learners” and “resourceful thinkers” look like? I happen to be both of those things, yet I’ve been told by numerous teachers that I “don’t look smart.” Those characteristics are ones you must show through action, instead of telling them out of context. Or pick characteristics that give an impression of their characters instead of merely typifying their general behaviors.

    But, I bet the first page does accurately represent the tone of the story. It’s dreamy, a little surreal, and not quite tethered to reality—just like young love. So, I’d be remiss to not give you props for that. And if you’re aiming for the Twilight-appreciating crowd, you are probably on the right track.

    • Kirk Diggler

      “The sun is the closest star to earth and it doesn’t move.”

      To be technical, the Sun doesn’t move (much) in relation to Earth. But on a grand scale, it moves a lot (orbits the center of the Milky Way at 1/2 million mph and carries us along with it. But I get what you were saying. ;-)

      • BellBlaq

        That’s good to know! I had no idea :)

      • PQOTD

        I’m guessing someone’s already advised the writer of ‘The Last Moon’ script on page 1 that the setting sun would be in the west, not the east, and that the full moon would be rising in the east?

      • Malibo Jackk

        Orbits the Milky Way at 483,000 mph
        — while the Milky Way is traveling at 1.3 million mph
        — which could suggest that the entire universe is not only expanding,
        but acts like a fly buzzing around inside a fast moving car.

        • Erica

    • Jack madden

      Re: The last moon, and the guy running himself to death. The author writes ‘as if’—it’s as if blah blah, self-inflicted death. The guy doesn’t want to kill himself; the author is describing how the guy is gasping for air. It’s a bit flabby, overall maybe the author is trying too hard, e.g. regretful and wistful don’t belong in the same sentence (but that’s being super critical). My point is I understand people skim reading a whole script, but someone skim reading a first page and having the audacity to give criticism on something they haven’t even read properly speaks volumes. Seems to me your critic hat is a dunce cap.

      • BellBlaq

        I didn’t skim, FYI.
        I read each sentence multiple times and (according to you) misunderstood the writer’s meaning. Doesn’t that speak volumes to the lack of clarity in the prose, and indicate the likelihood of the rest of the script presenting more of the same?

        Would my opinion and perceptions be considered more valid had I read the entire script and come to the same conclusions page-by-page?

        Or is it your opinion that none contrary to yours is warranted?

        • Jack madden

          I can only assume English is your 2nd language then. I read it once and understood, you read it multiple times and still didn’t grasp. Contrary doesn’t fit anywhere in this conversation, you misread and then preached like a false prophet. Fact. You’re going to roast in hell Bellblaq for being a blaggard. Bellblag. Come on, I’m only kidding. I’ve misread a thousand times and I love it when someone catches me out. You should just hold your hands up rather than blame the author.

          • BellBlaq

            Guess I’m a helluva linguist if English i my 2nd language.
            Your message might be better received without the insults.
            I didn’t call the writer a “dunce” (as you did me), just stated that they were telling info instead of showing it–a truth even if my interpretation of “what they had meant, though” was incorrect… which I’m still not convinced it was, considering I’m not the only one who interpreted the meaning of the passage that way.
            We could likely argue the nuances of that point for hours, but I’d rather not.

          • Jack madden

            ironically, you did exactly what you accused the author of doing: show not tell. You told us how he was telling us and not showing us, but you didn’t show us how you arrived at this conclusion. You told. You’re a teller not a shower.

          • Kirk Diggler

            And I’m an ATM and not a bathtub.

          • Jack madden

            I’m Brian and so is my wife.

      • Scott Crawford

        There’s no need for these personal attacks, Jack.

        • Jack madden

          where’s the personal attack? A dunce cap? Come on, we’re all grown ups. If a person is going give notes on one page and they didn’t even read the page properly then they should be open to ridicule.

          • Scott Crawford

            And saying that English must be their second language… you think THAT is acceptable. If this was the first time you’d been a prick, we could look past it. But it isn’t, is it?

          • Jack madden

            Let’s look at what a personal attack actually is. Generally uses the words ‘YOU’. I presume the other comment you refer to was when I called a person’s statement vacuous (again, the statement, not the person). If you think I called it wrong calling his statement vacuous answer me this: lots of people replied to his post, saying nice things and asking questions. How is it that I was the only person he replied to? As it stands here, I’m sticking up for the author. What would happen if the author wrote back to the poster saying they were incorrect. Wouldn’t he get called defensive, unable to accept criticism etc? After I said English 2nd language, I went on to say I was kidding, and that I also have made thousands of mistakes. Maybe it’s just me, but I personally think dunce cap, and vacuous are light years from calling someone a prick. But I’m not offended, you obviously feel strongly about your point, and that’s what forums are for.

  • klmn

    Not voting yet, but HELLPIG sounds like it’s perfect for the SYFY channel. But – on the first page – you have a big construction scene that would be expensive to film (unless stock footage could be obtained).

    Don’t know if the big scenes continue through the script, but I think to sell this would have to be written for a low budget.

  • ScriptChick

    Hellpig — what happens when you make a a micro budget movie with a not so micro pig.

    Hellpig — he’ll send you to hog heaven

    Hellpig — he enjoys your death as much as he does rolling in shit.

    Hellpig — it’s not truffles he’s after.

    • PQOTD

      Hellpig – he cooks your oven and has it on toast.

      • ScriptChick

        To him, YOU’RE the other white meat.

        • PQOTD

          Just remembered something I heard in school back in the dark ages (well, not quite, but it may as well be) from the time of British explorers’ early contact with Pacific islanders (who widely practised cannibalism in those days): because salt pork was common in sailors’ diets, islanders reckoned Europeans tasted like it.

          They used to call Europeans ‘long pigs’.

    • klmn

      Well, there’s Hogzilla.

      • klmn

        And from Poe Serling’s favorite show, Mountain Monsters.

    • Mayhem Jones

      Hellpig — it’s not truffles he’s after.

      BRILLIANT!!!!!

  • PQOTD

    They say to err is human, but a moron with a backhoe (despite the “Warning: buried cables” signposts) can totally obliterate your whole neighborhood’s phone and internet connections for three whole days!

    I’m only just on-line again now and I haven’t caught up on the comments yet.

    Does anyone know if the AOW writers have been emailed yet? If not, I’ll do so shortly.

    • Erica

      Welcome back, most likely no and one doesn’t have an email again.

      • PQOTD

        I’ll get onto emailing 4/5 now then. It’s still only Saturday in the US anyway, so hopefully they still have time to roll up their sleeves and wade in. :)

  • klmn

    About Starcrossed. Is opening on a trillion stars and a satellite essential to the story being told? If it’s about events following a meteor, I’d start with that.

    • PQOTD

      I thought the trillion thing was a bit optimistic. Common consensus seems to be there’s perhaps 400 billion stars in the Milky Way – the upper number – give or take. To see a trillion would require our galaxy plus the Andromeda, plus both Magellanic Clouds…

      He could’ve said a mere hundred thousand, and that’s still more than you could ever conceivably count in a few seconds on a movie screen.

      Btw, the best night sky I’ve ever seen was from the West Coast of New Zealand’s South Island on a crisp, cloudless (a rarity!) winter’s night. It was like a giant had tossed a bucket of glitter across the sky. Took my breath away.

  • Stephjones

    Hellpig: Go pig or go home.

    • PQOTD

      *Chanting as if to a drumbeat (not original – I think it was an old advert maybe):*

      Get some pork, on your fork!

  • HRV

    Can no site be politics free?

    • scriptfeels

      care to give us more information? From my experience this site is geared towards learning about the craft of screenwriting. AOW gives everyone a lot to learn from having lots of eyes on amateur screenplays and a voting process. It’s a lot of fun and I’m glad to be part of such a positive community.

    • Scott Crawford

      Very difficult. I try not to post any “partisan” political comments, mainly because this isn’t a political site, BUT politics IS everywhere and what happens to people in the outside world will inevitably leak onto this site. That’s all.

  • HRV

    Can no site/forum be politics free?

  • Poe_Serling

    Okay, I cracked open all five projects. My vote at the bottom:

    >>Star – I really thought this was the most unique concept of the bunch.
    Romeo and Juliet vs. aliens.

    Why didn’t Shakespeare think of that? ;-)

    I encourage Sal not to give up on this one. Unfortunately, the genre is
    just not in my wheelhouse.

    >>M – after the cowgirl script and Nick’s project yesterday, I had a hard
    time getting into another project involving a young lady.

    Though fans of this type of Psychological Horror might find it compelling.

    >>ExF – just not an action guy. It’s nice to see that the writer made some
    changes to take it to the next level.

    >>Moon – always a fan of a good werewolf tale. On any other AOW it
    probably would’ve been my top pick.

    HP – gets my vote. I’m a sucker for creature features … what can I
    say.

    Thanks to all the writers for sharing their work.

    • ShiroKabocha

      “I think the title is so-so.”

      What about simply changing it to “Hellhog” ?

      • PQOTD

        Ooh, Hellhog’s good!

      • Poe_Serling

        If you’re going just after the B-movie fans, I think it’s quite an
        eye-catching title and does the trick.

        But if you want your project to pull in a few more viewers beyond
        its core base…

        It’s still just okay in my book.

        Take another cult B-movie classic Night of the Lepus:

        “Scientists unwittingly unleash a horde of giant rabbits.”

        Say if the filmmakers just used the word rabbit/hare/bunny in the
        above title instead of lepus, I feel the pic is just not as intriguing to
        check out to the casual movie watcher.

        Of course, this is just my personal take. ;-)

  • Ashley Sanders

    Read the opening 5 of all of them except one, which didn’t look like it would be my cup of tea.

    The Last Moon is almost novelistic in it’s description, not a problem if you are going to direct yourself, I quite enjoyed it but it does make for a dense read. Two of this week’s scripts start with running through woods. I’ve done it myself and it didn’t go down well then. It’s not as over used as someone washing up but it seems to be quite a common trend.

    Star Crossed, just on a technical level, I’m sure everyone’s said this, haven’t checked the comments yet, but we need day or night on the sluglines! I’m guessing this is Courier new? If so, change to another version of Courier, I’ve been called out on this in the past, it looks faint on the page, at least on my tablet. Watch apostrophes, there are several mistakes on the first two pages.

    Hellpig. I love me a creature feature, but was expecting this to be badly written – probably because the writer compared it to Snarknado – It isn’t, it’s really nicely done, smart and funny. I hope the rest of the script lives up to the opening 5. Really enjoyed it.

    My vote HELLPIG.

    Right, now to catch up on the thread …

    • Justin

      I think the “novelistic” descriptions are more of a taste. It works for me, since it makes the script read a lot easier and flow better (for the lack of a better word), but I have noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to enjoy it quite as much.

      As for myself, I love to write descriptions. I try not to overdo it though, as I realized it could take someone out of reading it.

    • Ashley Sanders

      Oh, I forgot to mention. I thought Star Crossed was a great title. Unlike someone just nicking the title Bleak House a couple of weeks back, I thought this was a great example of using a literary reference. Just obscure enough, it works well if you know the context, setting up what you are likely to get, and works just as well at just conjuring tone even if you don’t.
      It was also refreshing to see another genre other than horror or thriller represented in AO as well.

      • ShiroKabocha

        Personally I didn’t find the title particularly original, however fitting it may be.The phrase has become so ubiquitous since Romeo and Juliet (well… R&J have become ubiquitous as well). That, and there was a CW show recently with the same name (same genre too) :

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2657262/?ref_=nv_sr_2

        ( Oh, and ABC even has a sequel to Romeo and Juliet apparently:

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5165412/?ref_=nv_sr_1 )

        This script might be good though. It’s just personal tastes really. Don’t care for another retelling / reimagining of a Shakespeare play, and sci-fi is not one of my favourite genres.

        • Ashley Sanders

          Fair enough. I didn’t know it had been used recently as a title.

  • Kirk Diggler

    The Last Moon – Read the first dozen or so and then skimmed 30 pages pages. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have two characters talking for thirty pages straight with zero discernible action. I was going to mention the father/daughter telephone conversation lasted almost 3 pages but that was nothing compared to what followed. Cloverfield Lane didn’t limit itself to 2 characters sitting in a room and talking. There were lots of little subplots and intrigues to keep it interesting. Didn’t get that sense here.

    • scriptfeels

      I made a similar comment as well. Having characters still on screen is a recipe for a boring movie. I hope the writer implements some action or goal for the characters to accomplish during these talking scenes.

    • Randy Williams

      I read another 40 pages and it’s more like a stage play. But I found it more involving as it went along. I’m wondering if the writer has shot a movie before. Dialogue is very challenging to record with the best of equipment.

  • Ashley Sanders

    You’re lucky. I’m off to see Smurfs The Lost Village in a cinema full of five year olds.

    • PQOTD

      You have my sympathy, Ashley.

      • Ashley Sanders

        Thank you. Turns out it wasn’t that bad. Not the worst Smurfs movie I’ve sat through for sure.

  • Scott Serradell

    * [QUICK ADMISSION: A.) These ALL have some good writing; a relief as well a double aggravation. B.) I was only able to really read the first ten or so; by some act of absolute foolishness my wife and I bought a house! So as my entire life is being boxed up and I’m reading these to procrastinate from this task so, really, I should be THANKING the writers…]

    Anyway. MY VOTE: THE LAST MOON

    THE LAST MOON
    Off the bat, you can recognize a clear and cinematic story told by a writer that has a specific point-of-view for how it should unfold and present itself; I’m seeing some ‘voice’ here. Atop that the atmosphere lends itself with a pace that builds itself nicely. I read the logline after reading the pages and appreciated all the more the approach you were coming out the gates with; the conversation with the daughter (over ‘King Kong’) had some weight and felt genuinely emotional. I agree with Marija: A good director could shape this wonderfully. Well done thus.

    HELLPIG
    The Ambrose Bierce quote gets an automatic like from me. A good beginning here, specifically with the imagery of animal bones and hooves. I like the idea of the truffle forager ; a good use of the pig-motif. I wonder if it couldn’t be more though: like the forager eating a piece of bacon (since we’re dealing with horror and comedy, some irony to really s signal the scene); just thinking of the genre you’re chosen. Honestly I started getting lost with Max and Ruth, then with Arch and Walt. But this is very well described. Of the five this probably the best written.

    *(Very tired. CONTINUED tomorrow.)

    • Poe_Serling

      Ambrose ‘An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge’ Bierce

      I kinda thought the same thing. Plus, it’s a name that you just
      don’t see mentioned in many writing circles nowadays.

      And as most fans of The Twilight Zone already know, the Oscar-
      winning short of Occurrence was featured as an episode on the
      legendary anthology series.

      • Scott Serradell

        “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” — I was probably 13 or so when I saw it and it was one of those founding experiences that permanently altered what I thought stories could do and how they should be told, like the first time you see a Kubrick film. I have never forgotten it.

        But there’s also “The Devil’s Dictionary”, which IMO is still one of the funniest books ever written. Probably in the top 5 of my desert island list.

        So, he’s a rare bird certainly: A mind that could tap into the darkness like H. P. Lovecraft and then churn out wit to rival Groucho Marx (he was also a solider and a journalist.)

      • brenkilco

        Technically French but since there was no dialogue it was all bon. So far as I know the director Robert Enrico never did much else that got noticed outside France.

    • PQOTD

      Congrats on the house, Scott!

      • Scott Serradell

        Thank you! It is truly a blessed thing.

    • andyjaxfl

      Congrats on the new house! I have some unsolicited advice on the matter courtesy of an anecdote, but feel free to ignore.

      My in-laws moved to Florida over two years ago and bought what they thought was a really great renovated house. My wife and I encouraged them to ask for a one-year warranty (they cost $500) and to pay the $600 to have an inspector provide a thorough report. They would have to pay the inspector, but the seller (or the agent) pays for the warranty.

      The long and short, they didn’t want to pursue and have been dealing with a lot of shit (both literal and figurative) that an inspection would have picked up and problems that arose 10 months later that a warranty would have covered at no cost to them.

      Also, when they moved in, the sellers didn’t clean the house at all and it was filthy. They also left a yard covered with landmines (aka dogshit).

      Anyways, don’t want to ruin your happy weekend but thought this may help!

      • klmn

        Pets can do a lot of damage, inside and out. I like dogs, but I don’t want to own one.

        • Scott Serradell

          I have cats and children — so it doesn’t matter if I adopt a baby wolverine at this point, I’m already a bit up the creek without a paddle.

        • andyjaxfl

          My wife and I have two cats and a dog.

          Unrelated: if anyone wants a free cat or two, I know a guy…

          • PQOTD

            Two probs – quarantine issues getting a cat to ‘Straya, and our cat likes being Number One of one:

            I am the Lord (or Lady) thy Cat, and thou shalt worship no other Pets before me.

            Not hard to work out who wears the fur coat at our place.

      • Scott Serradell

        Thank you Andy. We were beyond fortunate. We got hooked up with THE inspector for the Pacific Northwest. Not kidding: The breadth of his experience and knowledge was dizzying (we had a half-hour conversation alone on the history of the wood used to build the house.) He is also restores houses and was generous with tips and such. We lucked out.

    • klmn

      Congrats.

    • Scott Serradell

      TAGLINE FOR ‘HELLPIG':

      “A Different Kind of Hamlet”

      • ShiroKabocha

        Hahaha ! Awesome :)

        I hope this movie gets made just so the writer can steal this tagline, it’s perfect :)

  • Zero

    Before I get into the notes – Would anyone be up to a TV Pilot script note exchange? I’ve got a pilot – for a Kids’ Cartoon – that could use some more feedback. I’m opento reading pretty much anything that’s not too gross or dark.

    Now, as I’m about to really tear into the editing of my latest feature, I thought it would be good to take part in AOW again, to help get back into the feature writing
    mindset.

    THE LAST MOON
    Pre-Script: Logline could be shorter,much shorter. Recommend taking out some specifics.

    Script Itself: As I’m reading theopening – page 14, specifically – I feel that it’s pretty cool,
    quite atmospheric and tinged with emotion. But…it doesn’t feel exciting enough. Like something should HAPPEN before this. Not like a murder or kidnapping, necessarily, but something more than running or talking. Maybe it’ll happen in the next few pages, which would be good, but still not as good as it happening earlier.

    The story about his attack isn’t bad, but his telling of it is pretty dull. It doesn’t sound too effects heavy – maybe the attack should be shown!

    I stopped reading at page 29. To be blunt, NOTHING had happened yet, just a lot of talking.

    HELLPIG
    Pre-Script: Good logline, though it seems a little out of order. Having the humans in the first part of the logline would help it read more elegantly.

    Script Itself: I like the animal bones part – it’s an intriguing detail. The attack on page 3 is a good bit of something happening. It was a bit more graphic than I imagined.
    -Why does Walt ask how long he’s been driving? Wouldn’t a satellite radio device show the time as well?
    -Walt’s ‘real hunter’ line was funny. But the comedy has been lacking otherwise, as of p9.
    -The ‘Steve’ line was good.
    -There’s a lot of characters now, with the introduction of the Professor. Possibly too many.
    -Though I stopped reading at Page 24, I liked this script. I might well keep reading it. It is much more engaging than The Last Moon, and is pretty funny too.

    • Jarrean

      Zero, what’s your email. I’ll bite as I have a pilot that needs eyes on it before a rewrite.

      • Zero

        Hi Jarrean, it’s dev-m @ hotmail.com. I’d be happy to read your pilot, and send you mine. [I’ll delete this post once we’ve gotten in contact].

  • PQOTD

    ‘Margot’. I almost bailed out on page 7, but perservered to page 20.

    I’ll start with what pulled me right out of the read first, and that happened on page 7. A pathologist looks at the partially-decomposed body of a female teenager who’s throat has been slit in the woods and decides – based on zero evidence apart from her slit throat – that it must be a suicide.

    Was I meant to think this pathologist character was a cretin?

    Suicide varies by gender and method. Statistically, the likelihood of a female cutting her own throat in a suicide by knife is fairly close to zero. In Europe, about a third of female suicides are hangings. In the US, firearms are the first choice because they’re so ubiquitous, then suffocation (hangings, car exhaust), then ingesting poison or an overdose of pills are the top three. Knives aren’t in the top five of US suicide methods. If there’s only a knife at hand, females are much more likely to slit their wrists.

    Finding out suicide statistics really wasn’t difficult research.

    Slashing throats is a technique taught, for instance, to special forces soldiers to quickly and effectively silence an enemy. In other words, it’s more of a homicide thing than suicide.

    So for a forensic pathologist to leap to such a staggering conclusion as that a 17 year old girl would cut her own throat rather than have been the victim of a homicide beggars belief, and accidentally suspending one’s reader’s suspension of disbelief is a problem for a writer.

    P. 8: I realise it’s supposed to be a set-up for a joke, but teenaged girls aren’t squeamish about using the word ‘period’ around each other, rather than using the for-polite-company euphemism ‘that time of the month’. That the dialogue didn’t ring true as being between teenaged sisters is why the joke fell flat.

    More generally up until page 18, with the exception of a cameo appearance by the dead girl’s mother, this set up as one of those scripts where the other female characters (all of whom are teenagers) are characterized by their degree of casual bitchiness to each other and girlish swooning over pimply (sorry – “strapping, well-built”) boys, and their banal actions revolved around getting / keeping male attention, while older male characters seemed to be the only ones who did serious, important work.

    The introduction of Margot added an element that may eventually differentiate this story from a thousand others that hyper-sexualize their one-dimensional female characters, but I was finding excuses to check out by then.

    Pass.

  • PQOTD

    Interesting observation, LaC. Watch the first-ever episode of ‘Game of Thrones’, and we’re flooded with exposition, which spec writers are told is a huge ‘no-no’ because it doesn’t work.

    Yet it does, at least there it does.

  • Ashley Sanders

    One thing that occurred to me. I love Carson’s jokey introductions to AO but I wonder if the last two have been a little unintentionally unfair. Calling out Nick Morris as a great writer ahead of the weekend last week, and then entitling this one the Hellpig edition might be subconsciously influencing the outcome of the weekend.
    I know I’m rubbish and only ever have time to read the beginning of each script due to weekend childcare commitments, when others here do an amazing job putting hours into properly reviewing entire scripts, but I like to think I mostly try to give everything as much of an even chance as I can. It should be as level a playing field as possible. I know that’s what I’d want if I was on AO.
    That said. Hellpig all the way.

    • scriptfeels

      There may be a small bias in the presentation, but it’s really up to the reader to be fair in their critique and voting process, I appreciate Carson attempting to build momentum or hype for reading any of the Af scripts as they are getting feedback from a community of readers. I’m just very grateful for this site and enjoy helping the af writers in whatever capacity that may be. I think the logline, title, and wysr along with the writing determines the level of interest and engagement from readers. Each reader has different subjective tastes and it’s always exciting to see which script falls on top!

  • Biju B

    My vote: Hellpig

    The Last Moon
    The writing is quite descriptive and visual although I would suggest avoiding these next lines since it’s not filmable and also stops the action lines from being sparse and clean. I did have to stop and re-read a few times trying to get the flow of images clear in my head. The obvious downside to this form of writing is that you feel you have read like 4 pages when in fact you just finished only 2.

    ‘It’s as if the maniacal dash through the woods was intended to burst his lungs and force a horrible, self-inflicted death.’
    ‘But Max is still alive, somewhere between regretfully and wistfully as’…
    ‘Max has to hang up, before he falls apart. These are, after all, the last words he’ll ever say to or hear from Charlie.’

    A few lines of ‘godzilla’ specific talk between Max and Charlie can be cut as it doesn’t add much to what we already know is looming in the air. Also, maybe Sean should try to make the first 3 pages leaner while keeping the atmospheric feel intact which is what I think makes this one special. All the best.

    Hellpig
    ‘Welcome to hell. One Snort at a time.’

    Not a big fan of horror fare but this reads quick and very professional. It sets the tone almost immediately. Some of the info on Walt’s background can be trimmed especially the radio part since the picture seen before on Delma’s Ipad speaks for itself. The characters and dialogues were fun and distinct enough for me to keep track of, especially once the big group is introduced all at once at the youth academy. Will read on as time permits. Also, this gets my vote.

    Exfil
    It’s not badly written for an action but since there is nothing in the logline which makes this movie stand out from the typical fare I would have wanted to see some strong character trait or at least some clever, never before seen action sequence. They way it opened, I wouldn’t have guessed Mya is going to be the protagonist (or maybe she is not, I read only until p10). And the jailbreak sequence is set-up to be very convenient with a briefcase bomb et al. Needs more punch from the get go. All the best.

    Margot
    It’s well written. Opens as a dark thriller (although its an opening sequence we have seen too many times before) but switches to a troubled teen flick and stays there a bit longer than I would want. Does the eczema come into play later on in the story? Because quite a few action lines and dialogue are about the skin irritation. There needs to be a solid reason behind Georgia visiting hollow point at night. The way it stands now feels forced as a means to just get her out there and then get her the book. All the best with the changes.

    Star Crossed
    I always love me some Sci-fi and Fantasy! The overall premise sounds interesting. Quite a few misspellings, odd sentence constructions and general grammar issues. Had to reread quite a few times.

    ‘If you want to pull the wool over your own eyes, young man. You do it on your own time.’
    ‘Teens just released stream out into the cold winter air.’
    ‘Lisa ducks onto the school steps and huddles to her phone.’

    Nothing much happened in the first 10 pages. It didn’t really give any sense of the intended genre. Could do with cutting down a lot of the talk and bringing the plot points sooner. All the best.

  • GoIrish

    Exfil – read to p. 14. I’m kind of enjoying this one and might read more. Two technical points – one minor, one bigger. “DEA HQ, SAN DIEGO” – the HQ for most government agencies is in the DC metro area. Offices outside HQ are typically “Field Offices.” The bigger issue is Mya’s use of Leon’s login info and password 14 months after leaving the agency. Passwords need to be changed at least every 90 days. She’d also presumably need some sorta VPN to access the DEA system remotely- which would have separate login requirements. Government systems are obviously not hack proof, but what you have here wouldn’t work.

  • Scott Crawford

    GoT OT: Interesting. Might be worth doing a “gender bias” pass on your screenplay.

    https://twitter.com/julheimer/status/886257624521605122

    • klmn

      Dude, it’s the tits and swords genre.

  • Will_Alexander

    Is your argument that you would like amateurs to write boring scripts and have someone pay us to make boring movies of those scripts that have our names on them, but, alas, that is proving difficult to accomplish and so is therefore not fair to us?

    Okay. Good luck.

    An analogy: You buy a new car. In this analogy, you’re not a “car person,” you’re just somebody who needs a certain amount of car to do a certain amount of basic things. But you need it to be reliable, and well-made.

    If the car starts when you turn the key, doesn’t break down, and has a user interface that you can understand, you’re happy. But you’re just using the car.

    The designers and builders of the car had to put a hell of a lot more thought into that car than you ever will. They are held to much higher standards than your average car-buyer, or else no one would even look at their cars.

    Maybe I should apologize, but I have a gut reaction to anything that sounds like, “A certain movie wasn’t as good as I hoped it would be so somebody should pay me to write underwhelming movies, too.”

    I’m not defending the Transformers movies. I’m reminding myself (through a comment to you that others may read) that an awareness that some movies suck does not get me any closer to making one, myself, because there is no Hollywood Fairness Police. And if there were, they’d have been bought off by the studios long ago.

    Are your expectations higher than the average movie-goers? GOOD. Keep ‘em that way. And know that it’s a promising sign, not something to lament.

    • LostAndConfused

      “Is your argument that you would like amateurs to write boring scripts and have someone pay us to make boring movies of those scripts that have our names on them, but, alas, that is proving difficult to accomplish and so is therefore not fair to us?”

      What the hell, no.

      Seeing how this AOW is set up where we only see the first page, it just brought me back to that conversation with my friend. I wasn’t trying to make any kind of point, just sharing an observation. I’m not crying at how unfair Hollywood is. If there’s any lesson I wanted to impart, it’s don’t forget your audience. We should want all of our screenplays to be perfect, but we shouldn’t be hung over our screenplays if we don’t have the most mind blowing opening act of all time

      • Will_Alexander

        I was afraid I may have misread. Hobby-horse of mine. Apologies for misunderstanding.

        • LostAndConfused

          No worries, now that I read it again I wasn’t entirely clear with how I projected my post. I should really stop sending first drafts of my posts without proofreading them lol

  • PQOTD

    Just finished ‘Hellpig’. I’ve still got 3 to look at but… Wow. Tough act for the others to follow. They’re going to need to be darned good.

    I have a few (little) notes:

    P5 – ‘waft’ is more of a smell-related verb; how about ‘reverberate’?

    P10: the Scherpanski’s car should be the Scherpanskis’ car – just move the apostrophe one place to the right.

    P16: I think you may mean ‘rickety’ rather than ‘ratchety’?

    P35: Not ‘Palentology’ – Paleontology. It’s spelt correctly elsewhere, so it’s just a missed keystroke.

    And with that, I’m heading for bed, and hellpigs are not welcome in my dreams.

  • scriptfeels

    hellpig

    so I read to page 18.

    General thoughts: Writing is clean, simple, easy to read. Good descriptions in certain parts, and lots of zany characters. Some parts were ironic, other parts silly, and other parts gory.

    Overall, I’ve enjoyed the pages I’ve read.

    Here are my constructive thoughts. There are three story lines here. The Walt storyline of the hunter thats been disgraced in the media and online. The Max storyline of a kid who lost a bet is sent to a christian hiking trip with a group of students there each for their own reason. (I really enjoyed that introduction scene and feel it’s necessary for establishing each character and getting ideas into the audience head of what to expect from each of them.) And third, the storyline of Professor Emery Quillac who finds the bone fossil.

    To me, Max is the main storyline and these two others are side stories. The Max storyline reads like a dramedy, the Walt story as a comedy, and The emery story as an adventure/archeology movie. With the violent intro murder scene, this film tonally is a bit over the place, but I really enjoyed the variety of characters and if I were to continue reading would probably enjoy the payoffs of seeing how they interact with each other and how they will stand up against the hell pig and its fury.

    Compared to TLM which I had read part of earlier this weekend, I’m enjoying this one a bit more, even if it is a ridiculous creature feature. It’s been fun.

    This has been more of a post about how I felt about the pages I had read and less of a scene by scene critique. I hope my thoughts are helpful, I was mostly reading for fun.

  • scriptfeels

    EXFIL

    pg1
    The guy everyone wants on their team- this is a bit too vague for me. Not sure what kind of a team or what type of person everyone wants.
    maya’s introduction could be improved as well, not sure if mya is a man or a woman. what does decent and driven look like on screen?

    what is a piece for camera? A reporter records a ‘piece’, is a piece a video clip for a news report?

    pg.2
    Who is Malone and Leon? Caleb refers them when looking at Mya when she’s hit with morning sickness.

    -this was answered quickly in the same scene, one of them is their boss? but who is the other? So Mya is pregnant? They are hiding something from their boss because they don’t want that person to interfere, but it’s not clear what that is, I’m assuming she’s pregnant, which would make Mya a woman.

    pg3
    Introduction of Leon is also too light for me. The only description we get is: 36, loyal, light-hearted.

    Is he a police officer? What are we looking at on screen? A 36 year old guy who could look like anyone who is loyal and kind-hearted.

    pg.4
    I’m enjoying this preparation scene. Telling us what is going to happen. Makes me want to read more.
    I’ve also been pleased that there hasn’t been any terrible mexican gangster dialogue thus far, haha.

    Mya having bad body reactions is interesting too, makes us worried about the future scenes for this character/gives us empathy for this character.

    pg.8
    Okay, now it’s confirmed that Mya has a baby. Got it!

    What is a slug in the throat? I thought a slug would be a punch? Like a slugger? That term is unclear to me.

    pg.11
    I like the way the writer moves us through each room here, just capital letters of the room. I really like this type of writing. Not sure what Hydrocodone is though.

    pg.12
    Is Caleb dead? I like this moment for her. I guess the ‘slugger’ killed him? We never had an aftermath scene seeing how Caleb’s death affected Mya, I guess this is that scene?

    Also, I don’t understand why she is buying morphine on the street? If she works for a police department there should be easier legal ways for her to get treatment, I found this part unbelievable/it pulled me out of the story. Although, it is fun to see this character buy drugs off the street since its IRONIC. So on a script level, it’s more entertaining even if it doesn’t make sense to me.

    I’m also enjoyed seeing how obsessed she is with finding this mexican gangster guy. It’s great to see a character be really good at their job/try really hard. It makes us empathize with them.

    pg.13
    What is ‘a wide berth’?

    pg.15
    She’s not an agent anymore? An interesting twist. Also, I like that Mya didn’t have access to the wiretaps, and that she won’t let Leon tell his boss because of leaked information, having it be only the two of them. This scene is doing a lot of things right for me. On top of that, we have the urgency of Malone in this scene, who Mya doesn’t want to find out about her intel.

    pg.16
    I wasn’t expecting Leon to turn her down. It’s good for the story though as it’s an obstacle on her journey for her goal of taking down the mexican bad guy as revenge.

    bottom of 16 – the slugline is just ‘INT. OFFICE’ Could we get more information? I see now after re-reading and looking at the following character’s dialogue that it’s at the fugitive recovery agents’ office.

    pg.17
    Now we’re outside of a bounty hunter office? is this the same office? using -continuous here could help clear this up.

    I don’t understand why she is taking morphine. She is pregnant and she had the date circled on her calendar so it is atleast that important to her. Also, would someone in this stage of pregnancy really be trying to take down a mexican cartel honcho? I think making her motives clearer in earlier scenes would help make this more believable maybe? I assume it’s for revenge for her dead husband?

    pg.18
    Leon entering back in the fold is a great twist. I’m happy that the turn down earlier was a fake out. It’s fun to see him return. Also, I think using Mya’s house with her research wall would look great on screen. The chinese food was a great small touch as well.

    stopping on page 19, stopping here because I want to read all of the scripts and am getting sleepy… although if i understood why Mya wants to take down the villain as much as she does I would be more emotionally invested to continue reading. I didn’t have enough emotional investment into her character, but the scenes are entertaining and there’s been a lot of small surprises that I’ve enjoyed.

    Overall, This story is a lot more focused than hellpig to me. The scenes are quick so the story moves quickly as a result, giving it momentum. The writing is clean and sparse, but in my opinion too sparse in some areas such as character introductions. For me, the biggest thing that I didn’t understand was what Mya’s underlying character motivation was for bringing down the mexican cartel guy. Was it because her husband died? Also, the drug subplot didn’t click with me either. I think establishing why she wants to kill or take down this person would help the audience connect with Mya and encourage us to join her on her revenge journey. I thought the action writing was good and I enjoyed seeing Mya be good at her job, which she is technically not even working anymore. Another unbelievable part would be that she is pregnant. If she is in this late stage of pregnancy, it makes no sense for her as a character to pursue this goal so heavily if she values the life of her new child. I think this needs to be changed, what does her being pregnant add to the story. Just brainstorming, but maybe have her lose the child in the breakout scene where her husband gets a ‘slugger’, and use that as the catalyst for revenge? I think the writer should make Caleb’s death more clear, I didn’t realize he had died until a few pages after.

    Overall, the writing is good. TLM has had the most screenwriting slugline/V.O. issues, this script needs to be more articulate in the key plot points, such as when a character dies or is introduced. I think this script’s flaws are the most fixable of the three that I’ve read. For Hellpig, I’m not sure what critique I had I just enjoyed the read and wasn’t pulled out by anything, but the tone was a bit scattered. This story is streamlined, simple, but lacked the description on certain parts. Some of Mya’s character traits had me question the story as well because of the believably factor of a pregnant woman doing drugs and trying to take down a Mexican cartel leader.

    Great job to the writer, I hope my feedback is constructive and congrats for making it onto AOW.

    _scriptfeels_

  • Jack madden

    I VOTE: THE LAST MOON.
    Read the first and last 10 pages of each. A decent selection of scripts. Well done everyone. I found TLM to be the most cinematic.

  • scriptfeels

    MARGOT

    pg.5
    Georgia has exzema? is that ordinary? she was introduced as ordinary I believed. So far this has been a very sexual adolescent film. showing us from a high school girl’s perspective, how girls in high school turn down sex and view themselves in private.

    Also, the main character is a girl named George. Is George also a woman’s name?

    I read to page 10, It’s a mix of drama and teenage sexuality with little sister moments. Overall, I’m not pulled into the script to find out what happens. The story is unraveling slowly. At least there’s a dead boy introduced in the first 10 pages. This seems like a netflix film that I’d might check out, but only if I’d heard of it from favorable reviews. Based on the script, I’m not head over heels for it.

    I think the dad cop seeing her naked daughter then look at a picture of what I presume to be his dead wife then being introduced to the younger sister right after was very awkward. So I did feel ‘awkward’ while reading that section. So to compliment this script. It did make me feel something!

    Congrats to the writer for entering AOW and cheers! I hope my feedback is constructive, but I think because this is the fourth script I’m checking out it wasn’t in the prime light for me this weekend.

    _ScriptfeelS_

  • Scott Crawford
    • Scott Serradell

      Well, more importantly they picked a good actor (she did really well in “Broadchurch”.) I’m curious what kind of ‘interpretation’ of the Doctor she’ll have: Grounded? Eccentric? Mischievous? Dangerous? It’ll be interesting where they go with it.

      More important than that is Steven Moffat is gone (overdue by some years, IMO.) So WHO knows? Maybe I’ll start watching the series again.

      • Patrick Sawyer

        Moffat was certainly a disappointment. He wrote such great episodes as a guest writer which made me really excited when he was announced as the show runner but I don’t know what happened. Maybe it’s simply that there are ten seasons of the new show and I’ve grown bored of it. Or maybe it was too much for Moffat to handle Who and Sherlock at the same time as the latter show has gotten somewhat stale as well. I hope the new show runner and actress are able to bring some much needed freshness to the show.

        • Scott Crawford

          I think, maybe, they should spread the stories out a bit. Have a few three-parters or more. I haven’t really been following that, maybe they have done that, but that always seemed to work in the past. You can’t always do the short story every week. Sometimes we really want to EXPLORE those characters and those worlds.

          With the creator of Broadchurch on board, maybe that will happen.

    • PQOTD

      About. Freakin’. TIME!

  • Nick Morris

    I’m still sifting through all of the feedback I’ve received over the last week and will be for a while. Being able to look at your own work from so many different perspectives is an incredibly enlightening experience.
    I know it can feel overwhelming, but I would strongly urge anyone fortunate enough to have their projects showcased on AOW to take full advantage by participating in the discussion as much as they’re able. You won’t regret it.

    Congrats to this week’s writers and enjoy the ride!

    • Scott Crawford

      What’s your strategy for the rewrite? Are you going to a pass for each concern people have raised? What’s the biggest issue you think you’ll have?

      • Nick Morris

        First, I’m organizing all of my notes, both from here and elsewhere, into a single Word doc and from that I’m copying and pasting all the stuff I like into a 2nd document. Then I’ll probably put it away for a few weeks and come back to it with fresh eyes. At that point, I’ll really start hammering out what the next iteration will look like. I got so many different ideas that it could even wind up as 2 separate, distinct projects! The possibilities are endless! :)

    • Adam McCulloch

      I agree, Nick.

      It can be nerve-wracking to put your work up and overwhelming to receive the feedback. I was listed as one of the scripts a few weeks ago with Deathfest, and received great feedback even without a win. Some I found immediately useful and others I felt were off track but it’s been a great process going through and seeing how I can avoid the pitfalls and not lose the reader to start with.

      I also had one very kind reader provide a full read with notes even though I didn’t win so I’m very grateful for that too.

      Good luck with the rewrite.

      Cheers,
      Adam

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry
  • GoIrish

    Regarding Exfil, I got the impression she lost the baby. There was an 18 month jump after Caleb was shot. I only read through p. 14 – not sure if it’s noted she got pregnant again later in the script.

    • scriptfeels

      Ahh, I didn’t understand that while reading. I must have missed that important detail. I was pretty confused why a pregnant woman would be going to do revenge schemes the week before the pregnancy.

  • Dan J Caslaw

    Putting my vote towards HELLPIG. Had a good sense that things would stay entertaining after the first scene.

  • Scott Crawford

    Putting your address or tel number would be an amateur move – it suggests you think theyre going to go the effort of calling or writing to you. But an email? More likely.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Gonna have to cast my vote for
    A HEART BUILT ON THE SAND.
    Think it was that photo of Nicole Kidman that did it.
    Best page one I’ve seen in a while.

    Nicole, give me a call.
    I think we can work something out.

    • Mayhem Jones

      Also add my vote for A HEART BUILT ON THE SAND!

      • Master John Moss

        I think ‘Hellpig’ is a lock, and that’s fine. It wasn’t for me, with respects to both content and writing style. You want to know where my heart truly lies? ON THE SAND.

        • Patrick Sawyer

          I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

          • Master John Moss

            Anakin, no!! Don’t you want to see Nicole make her acceptance speech, thanking the Academy once again??

          • Patrick Sawyer

            Yes, but only so long as she says those words in the film. If there’s someone who can make them sound good and win an oscar for it it’s Nicole Kidman. She should’ve been cast as Anakin in the prequels. What was Lucas thinking?

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            I wanna see her win more–even if I’m not the beneficiary. But then again whenever I do watch the Oscars I get real emotional. It is so cool seeing my fellow brothers and sisters get recognized for excellence. With all those categories you can’t help but gain a deep appreciation for all the talent that is in Hollywood. These days I’m especially taken by the guys and galls who score music. LOVED the score Quentin had in the “Hateful Eight”. That undertone music was BRILLIANT, and really added something to the movie.

          • Master John Moss

            Dude, we want to see YOU win more.

            No one here is rooting for the established. We all rooting for one-another: The Unestablished. Worry less about Nicole (someone who has more awards and money and attention and accolades than any one person could ever possibly know what to do with), and more about yourself. Work hard, stay humble and good things will come from that.

          • Kirk Diggler

            Nothing finer than a George Lucas on one-liner.

          • scriptfeels

            not like you. You’re soft and smooth.

        • Mayhem Jones

          Seriously. I mean, our HEARTS were literally BUILT for this Urban Drama.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            One of my biggest fears is that at this stage in her life Nicole Kidman MIGHT be looking for more “family friendly” material. I think she had some children with Keith Urban, the country star, and THAT can have a big affect on a mother and what they wanna do with their career choices. I mean I think THE WORLD of Nicole Kidman. She can do whatever she wants, she’s earned that right. I just hope she reads my script–even if I end up getting a pass from her. To me, she is the mountain. She is the gold standard.

      • Randy Williams

        A heart built on the sand sounds romantic.
        I hope it doesn’t have crabs.

        • Mayhem Jones

          Oh, this one does!

          • Randy Williams

            Well, my comment is to pull them out.

          • PQOTD

            BYO full-body condom.

        • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

          No, but one of other scripts does…

    • klmn

      I’ll vote for A Heart Built On The Sand too.

      And Nicole, I’ve got sloppy seconds.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      She’s got a Twitter feed y’know… BUT that picture of her was EXCEEDINGLY fine. Sometimes you forget how beautiful a girl can be. Point: Nicole Kidman’s STILL got it. Whatever she’s doing to keep herself up–it’s working!

      Hopefully soon Carson will post my script so you can see if guy who’s got a monkey on his shoulder can tell a story. So surprised I get so much leeway on this site. You guys are too kind.

      • Malibo Jackk

        Animal instincts, E.C.
        It’s the way the male species is programed.

        You can bet – Carson is going to be looking for an excuse
        to use that page for a Nicole Kidman post.

  • Scott Crawford

    Monk… get yourself an account and post more often!

  • Zero

    Awesome. I’ll send you an email shortly. I’m assuming it’s .com?

  • Kirk Diggler

    Read 25 pages of Hellpig. Overall, was the easiest read of the bunch. The character set ups were decent. The story is simply constructed. A few dashes of humor here and there, mostly from Walt. It has a splash of theme (possibly) with the Dakota Pipeline mentions. It’s kind of obvious where this is all going, which is fine, it’s important to know what kind of movie you’re writing and of this there’s no doubt.

    Only thing I really dislike is the double spacing after a period. Why do writers still do this? It’s not 1976, for fuck sake. Unless you’re using a Smith Corona Galaxie II portable typewriter or some similar anachronistic technology, single space after a period is the standard. Period.

    I think I will give a split vote between Hellpig and Margot.

    • baby

      Uh… no.

  • Scott Crawford

    R.I.P. George A. Romero (1940 to 2017).

    Even if he doesn’t come back as a zombie, we’ll always have those movies.

    • Nick Morris

      A sad day for horror fans. Romero pretty much created the zombie subgenre as we know it today and inspired a great many horror filmmakers. :(

      • klmn

        Too many imitators.

  • Kirk Diggler

    Years ago, a poster on this board, I forget who, once said that E.C. Henry was a rather clever little troll account. I waffled back an forth on this notion for a while. But I don’t think anyone would or could stick with this fake-out for as long as it’s been going on.

    E.C. Henry is the Rupert Pupkin of Scriptshadow.

    • Jaco

      If Carson put an EC script up for review on this site, it might incite a Trajent Future-level kerfuffle in the comments.

      Maybe there should be a mercy AOW . . .a weekend where scripts that have been continuously passed over get a shot to see if these writers really are right and everyone else in the known universe is wrong.

      • Justin

        Absolutely. Carson could do this on his busy days, where he doesn’t have the time or energy to do a script review or whatnot.

      • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

        You should run for office, Jaco. Who know with the way things are with the Democratic party right now, they may promote to the head of the class. #leaderlessship

      • Kirk Diggler

        Trajent Future….. damn, that was more than 6 years ago.

        Regarding AOW, we could call it the “Blue Bus Weekend”.

      • PQOTD

        lol.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      Thanks Kirk Diggler that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me. And I THINK it came from a good place. I am a real person. NEVER been a troll. Never took on a false identity to slander or take cheap shots at anyone. Self-confirmed all-around nice guy–just ask me!

    • Will_Alexander

      I am drinking, and I’m sure that’s contributing to a certain extent, but I’m fucking fascinated. I think that means I’m a bad person. But I can live with that.

      • Kirk Diggler

        When your conscience hits, knock it back with a good single malt Scotch Whiskey.

    • PQOTD

      July 4th maybe, but EC posted a pic of himself with a cute little guy who was neither toy nor monkey.

      My verdict: not guilty of being a troll-type account.

  • The Old Man

    If Carson does keep the 1st page format, I think he should move the link to the comments to before the scripts and 1st pages. That’s a lot of scrolling to get to the comments every time I come here.

    • Kirk Diggler

      Your wrists must be sore. Tragic.

    • Justin

      Or you could click on the bar on the right side of the page and scroll down. Takes like two seconds.

      You are very welcome.

    • JasonTremblay

      1st world problems!

    • baby

      Oh, poor baby.

  • Erica

    The funny part is, every day these so called ‘rules’ change and I know it can be hard to keep up. I believe an email is all you need. Phone, address, copyright, song list that inspired you, can all be left out.

  • klmn

    I just sent in a Gauntlet Challenge to C for my Primates versus the new apes script.

  • PQOTD

    Lovely to see you wade in, Sean! It’s always better when writers do for at least two important and mutually beneficial reasons:

    for readers who invest a good deal of time and thought into their notes, they know their work is appreciated;

    and for those writers who are happy to engage, it’s often the case that more readers will read on for longer thus giving you better feedback rather than just their initial, incomplete impressions.

    • Sean McConville

      Hi Pqotd, yes, you’re right, and I definitely appreciate the feedback whether it resonates or not. Mostly it does, sometimes it doesn’t as we all have different taste/opinions and the trick is to use what resonates, discard the rest. But of course if several people say a similar thing then it’s wise to take note even if it’s painful! Thanks to all for all the comments which is of course the reason we put our neck’s on the chopping block to get those comments :-)

  • PQOTD

    Ben, put your email address on your title page!

  • Midnight Luck
    • klmn

      And part of the original Mission Impossible cast.

    • PQOTD

      And that British sci-fi classic tv series, ‘Space 1999′ (didn’t happen – phew!).

  • Malibo Jackk

    OT:
    The script was wall-to-wall dialogue.
    People said it wasn’t a movie.
    — John Robert Shanley talking about MOONSTRUCK

    I got to page 50 and I hated every page I had written.
    — JRS talking about DOUBT (irony lives here)

    The men were boisterous when they ate and ate great food.
    The nuns acted proper, had to ask permission to talk, and ate lousy food.
    — JRS talking about the dinner scenes in DOUBT

    from the ON STORY television program

  • scriptfeels

    If you’re open to discussion, here’s some thoughts.
    The Lost Moon’s protagonist is a werewolf. From page 12 to 20, the main character recounts how he turned into a werewolf, and on page 1 we see the character’s pov as a werewolf.

    EXFIL also starts with the definition on pg 1.

    Any other thoughts on Margot? I forget how far I read, but the diary chase was just the first scene. I’m curious what you thought of George’s role in the story as I couldn’t really get a handle on the story from the pages I had read.

  • baby

    What…?

    Who the fuck are you listening too?

  • scriptfeels

    Now you are encouraging me to finish the script at some point. I’m happy that you entered the discussion on the boards since I wasn’t exactly sure what type of feedback you’re looking for. I noticed a few screenwriting format errors, small things that I pointed out in my comment earlier, but if you are looking for story advice or character advice then maybe finishing the rest of the script some time in the next week would be very beneficial for you. tldr. What kind of feedback would be most helpful towards the script based on the upcoming shooting schedule and limitations in production/post.

  • scriptfeels

    I’m in the middle of editing one of my own scripts at the moment, but i’ll find time this week to finish the rest of it and give some notes. I’m excited to see how the production rolls out.

  • scriptfeels

    I appreciate your response! if only we could all become jj level screenwriters

  • Kirk Diggler

    Thanks for your hilarious reply. But I just can’t comprehend how the double space looks good, especially if you are using the proportional fonts of something like Final Draft. It can really make dialogue that has multiple sentences look ragged and it causes quite a few orphans in action lines as well.