Hey guys.  No Amateur Offerings this week because in two weeks, we’re doing an all dialogue week, including on Amateur Friday’s slot.  However, I know a bunch of you are frustrated that your script still hasn’t appeared on Offerings.  Well, now’s the time to pitch it.  Pitch us your genre, title, logline and ‘why we should read’ right here in the comments, and the always awesome Scriptshadow Community will check them out.  Scriptshadow Community – This means you get to play Executive today.  Pretend these queries are being sent to you.  Would you read them?  Are any good enough that you’ve actually taken the time to download the script and open it?  If so, let the reader know.  If not, tell the reader why.

  • klmn

    Script Link: https://www.mediafire.com/?hq49y2y19e1doao

    TITLE: CORRIDOR OF FREAKS

    GENRE: BLACK COMEDY

    LOGLINE: Animal-rights activists break into a research lab. They enter the nightmare world of the corridors where they encounter horrific examples of genetic engineering gone wrong and have to escape becoming the next research subjects.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: Think of it as a challenge. I don’t believe you can handle this screenplay. The story will stay in your brain like a botfly maggot, triggering random synapses and leaving you a quivering mass of protoplasm, useful only as a doorstop or an oversized cat toy. Prove me wrong. Open the script.

    • Jovan Jevtic

      Die Hard With animals. I’d say that a reluctant hero is missing in this pitch. activists is to broad. Maybe a son of the CEO?

      • klmn

        Not even close.

        • Eric

          If not a hero, then goals. What are they there to achieve? How do things go wrong? Who’s doing the engineering?

          One simple adjustment you can make…

          “WHEN animal-rights activists break into a research lab, they enter…”

          Anything to get it to one sentence is usually helpful.

          • klmn

            The term “animal-rights activists” implies a goal.

      • klmn

        It’s not a pitch, it’s just a logline. One of the activists is reluctant and that is the focus of a subplot.

    • Matt Clarke

      LD50 Lethal Dose. Not well seen but it had Tom Hardy in it. Wouldn’t call it great but it was BONKERS.

      • Nate

        Whenever I watch one of Tom Hardy’s earlier films, I never realise it’s him until the end credits. Didn’t realise he was in Black Hawk Down until someone pointed it out to me. I watched LD50 at a friends house about three years ago and I recognised him but couldn’t place where I’d seen him. On the drive home I finally figured it out: RocknRolla.

    • http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

      At first, it seems like your typical b-horror movie. But change the genre to black comedy, and it definitely intrigues me. Thumbs up.

      • klmn

        Thanks! It’s definitely black comedy. Some of the commenters are reacting like it’s action, or horror (although it does have elements of both).

        I think action and horror are more popular genres, particularly in the US.

        Black comedy seems to be more accepted in Europe. The Brits do it well. German humor is pretty dark. I read Der Besuch den Alten Dame by Friedrich Durrenmatt for a language class. Funny as hell. Durrenmatt was Swiss but wrote in German.

        But some of us Yanks do like the darker stuff.

    • Randy Williams

      Read the first 20 pages. Loved the paramedics and that early mystery box. Loved the dog in the aquarium bit. That was funny! I immediately was endeared by all the characters in their introductions. I thought I was in for a really fun ride. However, then it became a little trickier for me. How did everything tie in? I wasn’t sure if I was to concentrate on magic. Page 12 and 13, for instance, or concentrate on saving rabbits from experimentation. I could sense the tie-in, ummm..rabbits and magic. Some heist story using magic, perhaps? But maybe the magic is laid on too thickly? Then the newscast with the mention of the family killed in a car accident. What a downer. Is that a plot point?
      I think focus is in order here that would improve what I found in its early pages to be a very fun script.

      • klmn

        The “magic” – sleight of hand, illusions, escapes – plays a part throughout the script. I don’t want to give spoilers.

    • For The Lulz

      I read the first 25. The opening was very effective in pulling the reader into the story. And the writing style makes it a pleasant (easy) read. Although, and I don’t know if it’s just me, the sluglines seem too close to the action lines. A formatting error?

      I’d be tempted to say there’s too many characters, but to be honest, you do a good job of setting them apart. Kevin stands out with defining traits, I wonder if you could do the same with the others. He makes them look a little bland. The sisters are cool, with their finishing each others sentences. On pg 6, you don’t need to tell us Amber gets their names wrong, and then show it in dialogue. Just show it in the dialogue.

      It’s good that some action kicks off within the first 10, but it’s kind of bland. They break into a building. Steal some rabbits….and then leave and go on with the rest of their night. It might help to put in some complications and some stakes in the raid itself, rather than in just the aftermath. From page 10-17, apart from a few cuts to Tod and Scarlett, it’s mainly back-and-forth dialogue between Amber and Kevin. It’s witty in parts, but it drags on too long. I suspect the TV news scene is important, but maybe there’s a better way of putting it in another scene, and trimming this section down a little. They reference the scientist in the newspaper in the next scene (who the hell still reads a newspaper?). Why not just have the TV news report there?

      The cops scene is essentially, Cops want to enter:Amber hesitant/Cops ask if she burgled the place:She says no/They leave:Speak to old neighbor. There needs to be a little more tension. Maybe have the old neighbor come over at the same time as the cops. She wants to trip Amber up in front of the cops by making it clear Amber wasn’t in last night (I knocked last night but no one answered/I must have been in the can, etc). It will make the dialogue more interesting and add tension to the scene.

      When the monsters are finally revealed on pg23 they’re intriguing, but their introduction during some hot action has been done many times. Also, it takes too long to get to that point. I think you need to move things up a little. With just 90pg it seems like there’s a lot of filler in the first 25..

      There’s a lot promised and set up and I am interested to know more, but 25pgs into a 90pg script, and it’s taking too long to get to the good stuff. There’s definitely something here though. I like the premise and the characters. But you need to get a move on. I’ll read the rest if I get time. I have a feeling this story hasn’t gotten started yet, and there’s much more to come.

      • klmn

        The cops do play an important role in the script, but there are a lot of dominoes I have to set up before they start to fall in the third act.

        The break-in of the genetics lab is the midpoint of the script.

    • GoIrish

      How attached are you to the title? I like the use of “corridor” but “freaks” isn’t really working for me. I dont know if that just feels a little generic to me. I havent read the script, but would just “The Corridor” work? Or maybe “Lab Rats”?

      • Scott Crawford

        Corridors or The Corridors.

        • GoIrish

          If you make it plural, I like “Corridors” (without the “The”).

          • Scott Crawford

            The title says Corridor (single) but it refers to The Corridors (plural) from the logline. So I named it after the logline. But with or without the definite article is fine.

          • klmn

            There is more than one corridor. The Corridor of Freaks is the most horrific one, but there is also the Corridor of Jars, another one I won’t name as it would be a spoiler, and other just plain corridors. Pretty much a maze.

    • klmn

      Thanks to all who’ve commented or downloaded the script.

    • Dan J Caslaw

      First scene was effective. Introducing our heroes, who the logline tells us are animal rights activists (they’re typically humourless bastards, and that’s being kind – think the beginning of 28 Days Later), by having them torturing a dog for a joke, though? Sorry, I know I’m going against the grain on this one, but I just couldn’t buy into this script after that.

      • klmn

        The scene you are referring to is not torture. And only one character did it, and received his comeuppance from the others.

    • klmn

      Thanks to all who have replied. The feedback has helped me sharpen the logline.

    • klmn

      Double post. Ignore.

  • Dale T

    TITLE: The Lord of Magic
    GENRE: Science Fiction/Fantasy
    LOGLINE: The world is invaded by cyborgnetic aliens, and it’s up to a secret order of Wizards to defend earth and protect humanity.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: There’s a really cool battle scene at the end of it all.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Title: THE LORDS OF MAGIC
      Genre: Faux documentary
      Logline: When the country is overrun with all types of illegal aliens, the President is forced to call on a group of misfit magicians to defend the nation — and secure our borders.

      • Dale T

        A team of hufflepuffs, not bad.

    • Scott Crawford

      Aliens vs Wizards could work. Are these nerdy wizards, Harry Potter fans who discover they can actually do magic or an ancient order of proper wizards? Probably the latter now I think about it, so I think the word ANCIENT should be in the logline. Other than that, that’s pretty solid. Keep working on the characters and the story, ’cause if those are strong, you’ve got something people will actually WANT to read.

      • Dale T

        Thanks Scott. They’re definitely ancient, and it definitely does bolster the logline.

        • Scott Crawford

          Also, up to you, but I’d just call it fantasy. It’s not true science fiction, not with all the wizardry. Have you done research into wizardry?

          • Dale T

            I’ve read a lot of different fantasy books to get ideas on different magic systems and a feel for wizardry. For the most part it seems like wizardry is something that people can invent themselves in their own universe, so that’s helpful for me lol

    • Bluedust

      I like this concept of ancient Earth magic vs alien technology. How about a link to the script?

      • andyjaxfl

        It’s an original twist on alien invasion if I’ve ever heard one. I’d also love a link to the script.

        • Dale T

          I should be done with it within the month, I’ll post it up on an AOW or if Carson decides to do this again :)

      • Dale T

        When I’m finished with it I’ll definitely put up a link :)

    • Eric

      Maybe if you can slip in a specific or to about the world being invaded. Is this our world in the present? Our world in the past? Or an entirely original world a la Lord of the Rings.

      • Dale T

        It’s earth.

        • Eric

          2014?

    • Randy Williams

      I like this concept even though it’s not something I’d normally read or watch. You’ve reinvented a proven formula but it needs a reinvention of the logline in my opinion. I like how Bluedust in his comment described it as “Ancient Earth Magic vs. Alien Technology. I think you should incorporate those words somewhere in the logline.
      In the WYSR, not remind us of what doesn’t work in other movies but what works in yours?

      • Dale T

        Great tip Randy, will definitely change it up!

    • Christian Zilko

      That’s a big idea if I’ve ever seen one. Do it well (that’s the tough part) and you might have a million-dollar-spec on your hands.

      • Dale T

        The doing it well part has been a struggle for me haha, but I’m up for the challenge. Big concept sci fi/fantasy films are the reason why I’ve wanted to become a screenwriter in the first place (Star Wars, The Matrix, Lord of the Rings).

    • SinclareRose

      Hello Dale T. Just some word rearranging: After/When the world is invaded by aliens, it’s up to a secret order of Wizards to defend Earth and protect humanity.

      Begin with After or When, get rid of “and” after the comma, and capitalize Earth. Maybe even get rid of “it’s up to” and add “must” instead of “to” after Wizards. Then “to” instead of “and.”

      Like this:

      After/When the world is invaded by aliens, a secret order of Wizards must defend Earth to protect humanity.

      • Dale T

        That sounds much better :)

  • Robert M

    Script Link: https://www.mediafire.com/?bfinhpr342j3s9f

    TITLE: A FATHER’S REACH

    GENRE: Drama / Sport / Action

    LOG LINE: A recovered dope fiend tries to reunite with his pro-cycling kid brother whom he left behind seventeen years ago – a struggle that leads them up a race in the Alps of Tour de France that started as any other but in the end is about ever coming home at all…

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: This is Rocky (as I interpreted Rocky anyway…) meets The Celebration set inside the frenzy world of Le tour up in breathtaking mountains.

    Cheers

    • Malibo Jackk

      Title: BREAKBIKE MOUNTAIN

      • Robert M

        Thought about having the title “THE RACE” as the last 40 pages is an intense race. That would focus more on the action than the drama of the movie.

        • Scott Crawford

          When I’m stuck for a title I look at terms associated with the subject I’m writing about then look for words or phrases that sound like movie titles:

          True Sprinter
          Over the Bars
          No One Else in the Picture
          Minute Man
          Madison
          Lead Out
          The Knock
          Hit the Wall
          Closing the Door
          Clincher
          Chicane
          Chain Gang
          Breakaway

          Personally, I like True Sprinter as a movie title.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_cycling

          • brenkilco

            I think that Chicane would be a great title for a twisty thriller. Except that hardly anybody, in the U.S. anyway, knows what a chicane is.

          • Scott Crawford

            It’s not all gold. I’m just suggesting a way I sometimes use to generate titles. Like if it was Formula One racing you might call it Checkered Flag. Means bugger all about the logline, but it gives you an idea of what the subject is.

    • Matt Clarke

      Pitch it more like WARRIOR with bikes. Two brothers, separated through circumstance; one of them wants to reconnect but the other doesn’t. Cycling is the only way for him to prove he still cares and wants his brother in his life etc etc.

      • Scott Crawford

        Warrior was a minor hit compared to Rocky and Breaking Away. Also very recent. Also maybe a little too close to this logline – you want it to be “in the spirit of…” rather than seeming like a remake. But I like the idea a lot, if you can make the cycling scenes come alive.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ve heard of “Rocky” but what’s “The Celebration”? Rocky meets Breaking Away would combine two Oscar-winning movies together, or better yet, skip the “meets” and just call it “The Rocky of pro-cycling scripts”.

      Choice of subject is great, original. Low page count.

      • Robert M

        The Celebration is a Danish movie, it’s called “Festen” in Sweden. You’re probably right about that no one knows about it outside Scandinavia, so i need to come up with another idea.
        It’s a a shame, because it’s a very good movie that’s about a family that lived thorugh incest in their past, that’s why I had the Rocky meets it.

        • Scott Crawford

          I thought it was Festen, Ulrich someone wasn’t it. It’s not the best reference; either people haven’t heard of it or they’ll think your being too fancy. Like I said, not a big fan of the “meets” unless it’s really appropriate.

    • ripleyy

      The logline is a novel unto itself. I would suggest, going solely off this:

      “A drug addict attempts to reunite with his pro-cycling brother whom he hasn’t seen in seventeen years”.

      It has all the information I need as a reader to understand it, whereas the logline you have is way too much – anything over two paragraphs is a no-no.

      • Scott Crawford

        Shorter loglines are best. The hook – pro-cycling – is there; let the reader read the script to find out the rest.

        • ripleyy

          Exactly. As long as there’s one hook in your logline, you’re onto a winner.

      • Robert M

        I like that, I’ll take it!
        Thanks

        • ripleyy

          Sold! Glad I could help :)

    • Somersby

      The logline is awkward and confusing. I’d get rid of the “dope fiend” description. It introduces a crazed element from the get-go (even though he’s recovered.) You’re feeding us way too much info here—a dope fiend, and estranged brother, a17 year separation, an abusive dad, a pro-cyclist, the Alps, the TdeF, a mention of it starting like any other(?), and something undefined about coming home.

      Boil it down to the basics. What’s the core story?

      A recovering drug addict struggles to reconnect with his younger brother, a driven professional athlete, during the toughest bike race in the world.

      Or…

      Two brothers are forced to face the consequences of an abusive childhood during the most grueling bike race in the world, the Tour de France.

      Or…

      Consumed by years of guilt, a man attempts to reconcile with the younger brother he left behind when he escaped from their abusive father.

      I haven’t read your script, so I’m unsure of just how necessary it is to mention the TdeF in the logline. If it’s absolutely instrumental to the story, work it in. Otherwise, I’d suggest just sticking to the core elements.

      Good luck!

      • Robert M

        Thanks for the great feedback!
        I’m not sure TdeF is needed in the logline, but it is the setting, and a unique one that’s nice to have in there. But if it’ll ever be made, it surely would be known as the TdeF movie no matter what it name would be, so it probably wouldn’t need to be in there.

        • Somersby

          My pleasure. I’m a huge cycling fan, so I’ll probably take a look at this when I can. Meanwhile, gotta go watch the Vuelta!

          • Robert M

            Then i reckon you won’t be disappointed with the action in the race in this. If you read some, I love to hear some feedback

    • cjob3

      Shouldn’t it be “A former” rather that a “used to be”?

    • Randy Williams

      I’m not feeling the sweep of the story from the logline. I’d need a little more. What’s the stakes?

      I read some of this. There is no mention of cycling until page 17. It’s a slow boil until then, blessed with a quiet intensity but nowhere near anything “action”.
      I love the use of “she’s spelled” in “she’s spelled by the night..champagne” I think I’m going to steal that phrase.
      I like the “foreign” settings, wish we’d get more of that on AOW.
      I’m not sure the audience for a cycling story will be comfortable with the underlying burden on these characters which is at once heart breaking but distracting. The title itself, once that reveal is made gives it a whole new meaning.

      • Robert M

        Thanks for the thoughts! I’m not sure if you liked it or not though…

        About the stakes, being a drama I took some liberty in not presenting them right away, hence the slow burn. But i hoped it would present itself as if Daniel does not succed in reconcile with his younger brother he will never really be free from his past and the sexual abuse he’s father put him through.
        It’s not the clearest of stakes I’m certainly aware of that :-), but I thought it could be enough.

        Later on, after the first third, we start to learn about his younger brother as well and why he cannot accept his brother presence as he does not believe in what his brother accuses their father for, hence condemns him for destroying thier family with lies as he cowardly ran away those years ago.

    • Dan J Caslaw

      The logline tells us that the chief characters are an older and younger brother. I’m assuming the boy we meet on the bus in the pre-title scene is the younger brother, with Daniel being the elder, but just reading through the first few pages, it seems like the younger one’s forgotten about and we’re following Daniel exclusively, as he goes home from work, meet-cutes Sarah at a garden party, receives word that his father dies, necessitating a flight back to London… I got to 14-15 pages in and the kid on the bus hasn’t been referred back to at all. I’d suggest having a bit more cross-cutting between him and Daniel, because these first few pages seem to feature Daniel and Sarah as the main characters (in terms of how much attention the script pays to them), while the younger brother hasn’t been established enough as a character that sticks in the viewer’s memory.

  • websters

    Title – Liar. Coward. Judge.
    Genre – Horror/Survival
    Log Line – Deep winter in Civil War Era Missouri – A Union Deserter, a Priest and an Assassin must fight for survival when they are stranded in the wilderness and hunted by a terrible Sasquatch.

    Why you should read this;

    Liar. Coward. Judge is a script that has been written out of frustration as much as ambition. As a conscious reply to those horror scripts that turn a blind eye to character, theme and subtext it is a pitch black decent into madness that treats the Sasquatch myth with rare seriousness. It is a savage horror with a truly unique setting that is driven not by the relentless movement from jump scare to gore gross-out but by the development of characters.

    Most of all though you should read Liar. Coward. Judge because it doesn’t just ask that cliché question; “who will survive?” but wants you to ask yourself; “does anyone

  • JoshuaS

    TITLE: HALFLIFE

    GENRE: ACTION

    LOGLINE: A quiet physicist must fight his way back to the surface after a science experiment in an underground location goes horribly wrong.

    WYSR: It’s said to never cast a specific actor for a character in a spec script. It gets you instantaniously relegated to la-la fan-fic land.

    The same is said for existing properties.

    But sometimes…sometimes, two wrongs *do* make a right, and that right is called “Halflife”.

    Ooooookaaay, isn’t that some video game? Is this another one of these video game adaptations written by some weirdo who turned it into a private religion?

    I can hear the amount of potential readers shrinking away, so before I lose them forever, let me throw in a word or two.

    “Walter White”

    Isn’t that that guy from-

    Yes he is! This is “Breaking Bad” meets “Resident Evil”.

    Preposterous? Dear reader, I can assure you there is not a soul who played the original game and who has seen “Breaking Bad,” whose mind the idea has not entertained. And let’s face it:

    http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/356/6/b/gordon_freeman___breaking_half_life_by_i_set-d4jx0gx.jpg

    Bad-ass? Absolutely positively bad-ass? You bet you! But is the actual execution bad-ass enough to reach up to some high-level “Breaking Bad”-loving Valve executive? And then bad-ass enough again to get the necessary talent attached?

    The first steps on that long ladder upwards are for *you* to decide

    • Dan J Caslaw

      Walter White? WALTER WHITE!!!!?? NOOOOO!!!!!!
      HUGH! LAURIE! HUGH! LAURIE! HUGH! LAURIE!

    • Cuesta

      “But sometimes…sometimes, two wrongs *do* make a right”

      Sometimes you have less than zero chances to sell. And I say this with genuine love and optimism.

      • JoshuaS

        Never tell me the odds.

  • Dale T

    I’m a fantasy reader but something always turns me away when I see in the synopsis of a novel anything that implies the events start after a kingdom has fallen. “The fall of a kingdom” is a good climax to a story, and for a story to start after such an exciting event, it feels like it’s already kicked off on the wrong foot.

  • websters

    Title – Liar. Coward. Judge.
    Genre – Horror/Survival
    Log Line – Deep winter in Civil War Era Missouri – A Union Deserter, a Priest and an Assassin must fight for survival when they are stranded in the wilderness and hunted by a terrible Sasquatch.

    Why you should read this;

    Liar. Coward. Judge is a script that has been written out of frustration as much as ambition. As a conscious reply to those horror scripts that turn a blind eye to character, theme and subtext it is a pitch black decent into madness that treats the Sasquatch myth with rare seriousness. It is a savage horror with a truly unique setting that is driven not by the relentless movement from jump scare to gore gross-out but by the development of characters.

    Most of all though you should read Liar. Coward. Judge because it doesn’t just ask that cliché question; “who will survive?” but wants you to ask yourself; “does anyone deserve to?”.

    • Bluedust

      When I read the title, the last thing I expected in the logline was “hunted by a terrible Sasquatch.” Terrible Sasquatch are the worst kind of Sasquatch. I have to admit, I’d like to read this, so could you post a link?

      • websters

        I’d happily email you over a pdf if you send over your address, thanks!

        • Craig Mack

          Same thecraigmackATgmail

          • websters

            Hi Craig a copy should be with you now! Thanks for the interest in this!

          • websters

            Hi Craig a copy should be with you now, thanks for the interest and hope you enjoy it!

      • cjob3

        NOBODY expects a terrible Sasquatch! It’s chief weapon is surprise. Fear and surprise.

        • websters

          Haha that is true,

          We are hoping to flip what is expected on its head!

          • websters

            Mainly the story is about the characters. It is a clash of views, like said in the “why you should read”, we aim to raise wider questions on life.

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey :)
      I’d like to read your script as well, please.
      marija dot nielsen at gmail
      Thanx !

      • websters

        Hi Marija, thanks for the interest, I have emailed a copy over to you now!

  • Scott Crawford

    A lot of horror scripts here AGAIN. Any romantic comedies, period adventures, spy thrillers, epic dramas, superhero action, science fiction?

  • Jesse

    Script Link: http://www.mediafire.com/view/8m241krlkowb9pn/Colossal.fdx.pdf

    Title: Colossal

    Genre: Horror

    Logline: A man who was tormented as a child hunts down the woman responsible for his affiction.

    Why you should read: My goal was to write a simple story with complex characters. I wanted to create an iconic villian to drive the story. An exceptionally intelligent and equally frightening character for my protagonist to face off against. I would describe Isaiah as a combination of Michael Myers, Bane and Darth Vader.

    • Jesse

      affliction*

    • Scott Crawford

      These are your ideas:

      Man – Who?
      Tormented as a child – How?
      Hunts down – How?
      Woman – Who?
      Responsible for his affliction – How?

      No standout original ideas here.

      • Eric

        I agree, it’s too vague. Anything that’s known to us by the end of the first act should be fair game in the logline.

        • Scott Crawford

          A psychologically-disturbed landlord discovers his new tenant is the former cheerleader who bullied him at school, so he devises a twisted plan of kidnap, murder, and revenge.

          I don’t think that’s what this story is about, and I’m not thrilled with my version either, but at least it’s different.

          • Eric

            “A man who was force fed ice cream as a child, hunts down the sadistic babysitter responsible for his lactose intolerance.”

          • Scott Crawford

            The Ice-Cream Man Cometh.

      • cjob3

        Right. Or more to the point. His affliction – What?

        • Scott Crawford

          Yeah, because I wasn’t nitpicking enough!

    • lonestarr357

      Call me crazy, but I think you’ve posted this here before, haven’t you?

      • Kirk Diggler

        Yes, I remember reading Colossal on AOW. Didn’t it also get an AF review?

  • Stephjones

    Title: Chickin Lickin
    Genre: Dramedy
    Logline: A wimpish young woman learns how to assert herself…from a chicken.

    WYSR: Life seems to be trying to tell young Emily something but she’s not clear on exactly what. With the help of her pet chicken she begins her journey of becoming the person she is meant to be…the hero of her own life.
    This is not your typical coming of age story. My intention was to write a story where two very different worlds collide. One of the worlds has cockfighting in it. I think it works but I’d like to know what others think. Thanks ahead of time.

    • Bifferspice

      i’d like to read this! any chance of a copy, Steph? :)

      • Stephjones

        Hey! Sure! I’m on my iPad right now but can forward you a copy from my email. I have your email. Thanks Bifferspice!

        ( the chicken doesn’t really undergo a sex change…I was just joshing with Brittany. Hope that doesn’t kill it for you. :)

    • Matthew Garry

      Love it.

      “Surviving Life” was a bit too loose and fast for me (still loved the main characters though), but it’s your genius improv in the comments like the “Put Sidney on” bit that make me eagerly look forward to this next one, especially since the concept is so odd but appealing.

      • Stephjones

        Ha! Thanks, Matthew. Though I will admit “Put Sidney on” was some of my finest writing to date. ;)
        I took the feedback I got here on Surviving Life to heart and did a major overhaul on it. It’s currently a finalist in comedy in Creative Worlds Awards. A big thanks to you and others who gave me notes. Fingers crossed for the win but I’m happy and amazed that it got this far.

    • For The Lulz

      I’d read this if it was AOW.

      And if it got made, I’m pretty sure the movie could get some product placement from KFC. Writing that scene would be hilarious.

    • Randy Williams

      Maybe start the logline “With the help of her pet chicken, a wimpish …”
      That would perhaps grab Carson’s attention more?
      Preface “chicken” with some attribute?
      I like loglines like this where you can see the poster for the movie.
      I’d like to see it on AOW!

      • Stephjones

        Thanks a bunch, Randy!
        Working on it now.

    • Sebastian Cornet

      Sorry to be the wet blanket here, but I think the premise doesn’t have much of a leg. I see this and think of something like “Ted.” Plus the whole “hero of the own life” bit sounds so cliched it makes me wonder if the writer is going to be as cliched in the screenplay.

      The fact there’s no quest or stakes whatsoever in the logline, only a gimmicky reveal, make me fear the screenplay will be just the same.

      Loglines aren’t only about spelling out the main conflict, it’s also about doing it in a manner that points at the writer’s skill.

      • Stephjones

        Don’t fear the peeper, man!
        I agree the Logline needs work. And the script. And, ummm…I hate to divulge my other issues. It’s bad enough that I wrote a script about cock-fighting AND eat chicken on a regular basis.
        I’m working on the Logline. More to follow…

    • Caleb Yeaton

      I read Chickin Lickin before and, from what I recall, it was pretty damn good and did an excellent job integrating the world of cockfighting. Can’t remember his name (Ernesto, maybe?) but the “sensei” type character was very well done, and I liked the protag a lot. I’d suggest adding the pet chicken to the front of the logline too, just to make it clear that this isn’t just another “wimp grows some balls” script.

      • Stephjones

        Thanks, Caleb!

    • klmn

      With a cockfighting angle, I suspect you’ll get a lot of static from animal lovers.

      • Stephjones

        Oh, yeah. I set it in the US Virgins, where cock fighting is still legal. I was going for a ” two sides of the story” aspect which is critical to the plot movement. I cut away from any graphic scenes of actual cock fights,

    • Christian Zilko

      This looks awesome! christian.zilko@aol.com

    • Stephjones

      new Logline, can’t edit the above for some reason.

      A tentative young woman gains confidence after a pet chicken leads her into the aggressive world of cockfighting.

  • Robert M

    And that’s the one I struggle with…
    Can’t seem to get it better

  • http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

    TITLE: HONEYMOON FROM HELL

    GENRE: Comedy

    LOGLINE: A mama’s boy and his newlywed wife embark on the journey that is their honeymoon; the only problem? Mom comes along for the ride.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: No life story here. It’s just a comedy that puts its main characters into as many awkward situations as possible.

    • Scott Crawford

      Pretty solid, funny logline. Small quibble but a logline should preferably be ONE sentence, so how about: Two newlyweds face a not-so-sweet honeymoon when the groom’s domineering mother comes along for the ride. Not perfect, but if you get it shorter the better. Mom comes along for the ride – that’s your hook!

      • http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

        Thanks. I really have been looking for a way to tighten it up a bit.

      • witwoud

        Much better ;)

      • Midnight Luck

        I think you could drop the “Two” in the front and it will shorten it, as, hopefully, there are already only two people involved in being Newlyweds.

        • Scott Crawford

          I think I left the two in by accident; you’re right, they’re not f—ing Mormons!

    • Midnight Luck

      your main hook here is the MOTHER IN LAW or the MOM. I think you should redo the title using a play on words where the MOM part is central.

      Take a good look at what was done with THE GUILT TRIP with Seth Rogen.
      The idea of his Mother going along for the journey. This used a play on words as well.
      Tagline:
      Get ready for one mother of a road trip

      just a few quick Title thoughts

      BRIDE ALONG
      ALONG FOR THE BRIDE

      and an Easy lay up
      MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

      • Scott Crawford

        Bride Along would get you noticed, even if the makers of Ride Along got you to change it!

        Funny loglines need funny titles.

    • For The Lulz

      Intriguing.

      Does the Mom hate the wife like in ‘Monster in Law’? Or is she just reluctant to let her son go off on his own, and smothers him a little? Might want to distinguish that in the logline. But either way it’s effective. I’d definitely want to read it if it was on AOW.

    • pmlove

      Solid (if a little tired) concept. I’d like to know more about why the mum comes along for the ride. The credibility of the reason is critical to the buy-in.

      Agree with the others – there must be a better title. Where is the Honeymoon (is there anything to play with there)?

      Reminds me of Driving Miss Crazy (is that making an appearance?).

    • Randy Williams

      Probably a title change might help push it for AOW from me. It’s a worn concept, although they do make these stories over and over again.
      I thought Midnight’s titles were very funny and would work better than the existing title.

    • Caleb Yeaton

      Depending on who was cast, I can see something like this pulling in the same audiences who helped make Sex and the City, Bridesmaids, The Other Woman, etc. really big hits, so you’ve got a phenomenal concept with a chance for plenty of cringe humor. I’d definitely be interested to read more, just to see where you go with it!

      I agree with the others who weren’t fans of the title, though. I don’t have any suggestions, but it sounds more like a slasher flick to me.

  • andyjaxfl

    This is an excellent idea. Any chance we can do this a few times a year?

    • Scott Crawford

      I haven’t enjoyed myself on this website in a while! Maybe not all the time – few times a year, like you said.

    • pmlove

      Just as I was trying to get through the top 100 AF entries this is dropped on me…

      • Scott Crawford

        This is easier, for me, than trying to read lots of screenplays, or even the first few pages of them. Hopefully some people will alter their loglines and that’ll help them win competitions and get agents to read their work, etc. Then we’ll all have done a good day’s work!

  • ripleyy

    Revised Logline: “A sheltered noble woman teams up with a group of traumatized soldiers to combat the undead who threaten to destroy their harvest” (seems a lot catchier.)

    After reading twenty pages, I have to say that the story is rather interesting. It’s a very unique take on the whole “undead” genre (undead in fantasy is probably nothing new, but it’s never been seen a lot on television or film).

    As I read, I did feel like a lot of world-building has been enthused into the story. For example, the blue-uniformed soldiers give off a Confederate feel, and I imagined it to look a lot like Victorian London nested in a deeply-rich, fantasy world.

    Below, I listed a few things that caught my eye, for better… or for worse.

    Page 4: “Sharp, soulless eyes” should be “Sharp, yet soulless eyes”. :)

    Page 6 (onward): Up to now, I would suggest focusing more on dialogue. It needs to be a lot stronger, and if you have put enough thought into your world, you can equally put enough thought into making every single word stronger, and more richer. Also, a lot of exposition – try and be smarter.

    Page 9: “What about” is either a question or a statement, I can’t tell. Is it just me?

    Page 10: Wayyyy too much in-between description. I, too, am guilty of this but this seems quite excessive. Keep it, at maximum, two in-between descriptions per page if you find that you need too. Leave the acting for the actors, focus on the writing – if an actor wants to fidget, or wants to rub his face, then so be it, but don’t need to write it unless it is absolutely crucial to the plot.

    Page 10: Nice twist that Asanna’s is Dayran’s brother!

    Page 10: “And Rhoen is missing”.

    Page 11: Impressed with the stakes of the story. No crops, no food. Simple, yet somehow impressive. :)

    Page 11: By now, you’re overwriting Dart. He is nervous, fine, include that at the beginning of the scene, or when you introduce him (“Dart is also a nervous fello”). This way, you don’t need to include every second that he’s fidgeting or he’s white as a sheet – we’ll understand.

    Page 11: That being said, with the stakes of the story, I, too, would be nervous :)

    Page 11: “Hold up for the winter”

    Page 17: Dialogue needs sharpened. Trake is disgruntled over Asanna, and we know why. This is a potential scene to put a lot of conflict in.

    Page 18: “Drowned in shadows” doesn’t work, but “drenched” or “soaked” does.

    Page 18: I highly doubt that in any fantasy setting, the word “man” – as slang – would be used. “Yeah, man!” doesn’t belong here, but something along the lines of “That little brat” does.

    Page 20: “Quicklyl” should be “Quickly” :)

    Page 20: “Uhh, take it easy, it’s fine” should go. Something along the lines of “Easy there” is better.

    The story has potential, but dialogue and descriptions need work – it’s overwritten, and there’s too much of it. Dialogue needs to be richer, stronger, and there’s too many “hmms” and “umms” – get rid of those.

    Storywise, this is a rich story, and an interesting one as well. Sadly, I think it needs work and if you can keep everything to a minimum, I would gladly recommend this for Amateur Friday :)

    Also, writing wise, you’re pretty good with words. You just need a little work.

    • Kimmo Häkäri

      Thanks for the read, I really appreciate the notes! I will definitely take these into account when I get around to do another rewrite (writing another thing right now).

      Dialogue is something I struggle with the most, but I feel like I can do a better job with your notes.

      Looking back, I changed Dart’s character somewhat in my latest draft and I guess I just went overboard with it :)

      Thanks again!

      • ripleyy

        I’m glad I could help, because this story has some great potential. Just keep things simple. As with dialogue, every writer has struggled with it. When you have the story down to a T, and you’re proud of it, then focus on dialogue :) always leave the best for last.

  • JW

    Read three pages. Hope this will help.

    1. Time period.
    Not clear early on. First page could have been walking dead style modern day, or a medieval period. Later you say 1800’s style. I think this needs to be nailed down on page one so the reader can have a fixed image.

    2. Feels partially overwritten, but in certain cases underwritten.
    DAYRAN:
    “Sweat trickles down his handsome, stubble-covered face.”
    “His eyes betray his desperation.”
    These don’t add much to his character description, and bury what appears to be important information regarding his uniform and axe. Could use clearer description of the axe (assuming it’s important), is it 1-handed, 2 handed?

    TRAKE:
    “His physique is leaner and shorter than Dayran’s.”
    We were never told about Dayran’s physique so a comparison doesn’t work for me.

    TOWN:
    Lots of description. The town is run down, but do we need to be told about the broken houses, missing cobblestones, ruined fortress, and rusted grates. I understood the situation long before that. Is the flag reference necessary?

    Scanning the whole script, the long description passages seem to end, but I’m concerned you might lose a reader at the start here.

    • Kimmo Häkäri

      Thanks for the notes, really helpful stuff! I’m going to take these into account in my next draft.

  • Stephjones

    The chicken is a hen who undergoes a sex change in order to follow her dream of being a fighting cock.

    • Caleb Yeaton

      This sounds like a Tom Six movie plot.

  • andyjaxfl

    I read first 15 (so far) and I like the setting and the story. The opening scene is an excellent hook. The script needs fine-tuning with dialogue and description as noted by JW and ripleyy. Simplify, and beware of rogue words (re: one word on an action line — it takes up much-needed vertical space).

    Fantasy scripts are a tough spec sale because if a studio is going to pump $150 million into anything it has to be IP, but you may have something here. This gets my vote.

    • Kimmo Häkäri

      Thanks for the read and notes, really appreciate it!

      I know it’s an incredibly hard sell, but what can I say, I just wanted to write it and had a lot of fun doing it. If nothing else it was a great learning experience.

  • Eric

    The teaser makes me cringe (in a good way), but it’s no substitute for a proper logline. A logline tells us what type of story we’ll be told. This doesn’t.

    • Nate

      I haven’t seen the teaser, but I agree. The WYSR tells me nothing. It’s part of the vampire genre, but it’s not a vampire story.

  • Stephjones

    Sounds great!
    Hey, did you hear the joke about the two guys who watched a dog while he was licking himself…down there?

    Guy 1 — I wish I could do that.
    Guy 2 — That dog will bite you.

  • Bifferspice

    I’ve read this, and I think it’s fantastic. it’s intense, takes some unexpected but logical decisions, and has a very visual style that makes it easy to see as a movie. i think a bold director wanting to make an uncompromising horror would be all over this. recommend to anyone intrigued by the premise. brittany’s got the chops.

    • Stephjones

      I’ve read this, too. Brittany does indeed have the chops.

  • Scott Crawford

    Horror or drama? Pick one.

    • brittany

      Thanks, man. Will do!

      • Scott Crawford

        Not being harsh, it was something Carson pointed out yesterday. I would go with either horror or (based on the logline) psychological thriller.

  • brenkilco

    Just a suggestion for the logline. you say their kingdom but the subject is the woman. Ten years after the fall is irrelevant. The only necessary word there is kingdom to convey the fantasy aspect. Undead is vague. Classic Zombies, vampires something else? Wilderness is vague too. Is this just outside the town or far away and what are they looking for there?

    In a kingdom devastated by ______ a sheltered, young noblewoman must rally (her?) traumatized soldiers to defend the harvest from _________ and the even greater threat of ________

    Not sure this exactly fits your story, but do think the line needs to be a little cleaner.

    • Kimmo Häkäri

      Thanks for the notes! That logline looks certainly better than mine!

  • Randy Williams

    I like my AOW laid out on a plate and cut into little pieces for me,
    but I’ll do my best to read some of these today and find some gems to push Carson’s way.

    In the meantime, I’ll throw this out…

    Title: SKIP’S PILLOW
    Genre: Thriller (I used to label it a “Twisted Romantic Thriller” but Carson recently wrote that a prefaced genre suggests a problem script)
    Logline: A canny female chemist recruits the somewhat naive boyfriend of her jealous sister to help protect a mouse that was part of a lab experiment on extraterrestrial life.

    WYSR: This is my last script written solo. I now write with a partner. I suppose I’d like to know if I had the chops to write on my own, but most importantly, based on my writing, what things should I carry over to my collaborative life and what to leave behind? I’ve quickly learned collaboration is a more disciplined approach, a constant reining in, which I recognize I needed in abundance. The seed of this story came from my own sleeping difficulties and a nocturnal pet I thought would keep me company on sleepless nights, but has issues of her own. It starts in a bed and ends on an airplane. Both places I both fear and love at the same time. Kind of like Scriptshadow here, itself.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/s9fivz6zd7knb8o/Skip'sPillowSS.pdf

    • walker

      Hey RW, I read your first ten based on the fact that you are a regular contributor here and your WYSR was modest as opposed to the often misplaced bravado that is the norm. I liked the setup and would keep reading. It does seem dialogue-heavy, and the sluglines are a little cluttered with many including secondary locations.

    • Sebastian Cornet

      I had to read this three times in order for every single element of the logline to make sense. Reads more like a rom com of sorts than a thriller. Is the chemist being canny in recruiting the naive boyfriend? Why? How jealous is the sister? If she’s a chemist what is she doing with a mouse? Shouldn’t she be a biologist then?

  • For The Lulz

    Title: The Henchman
    Genre: Action Comedy

    Logline: In an action movie universe, a struggling blue-collar worker takes a job as a mob henchman to support his family. Then finds himself fighting to protect them from his own
    employers, while trying to survive as an expendable character.

    WYSR: I won’t make a speech here, lol.

    The script has done well on the Black List 3.0, including 9/8 ratings. (https://www.blcklst.com/members/scripts/view/11983 – For those on the BL).

    To paraphrase some of my feedback, the script offers a satirical take on the action movie genre, while providing an original and thrilling story in itself. Hope people enjoy.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/pm4lu11xvvt413p/The_Henchman.pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ll apply the same principle as I’ve applied to other loglines:

      Action movie universe – Last Action Hero?
      Struggling blue-collar worker – OK
      Mob henchman – Generic
      Support his family – What’s wrong with an honest living?
      Fighting to protect them from his own employers – What went wrong?
      Trying to survive as an expendable character – Last Action Hero again

      Take away the “action movie universe” tag and you have “A low-level mobster and his family go on the run from his employers”. Not special enough, I fear.

      • For The Lulz

        Agree with some of your analysis, but a lot of it is just random assumption.

        There’s only limited space in a logline, I can answer all of those points, but not in a logline. If can offer a better way to do it, I’d seriously would be interested, you have no idea how many time this logline has been re-written. This script doesn’t make it easy!

        I can see why you’d reference Last Action Hero, but no….this is not like Last Action Hero. Simple to just judge a script as being exactly like another movie, just because of ONE common element. I guess LOST and CASTAWAY are exactly the same, huh?

        Action movie universe – Yes
        Trying to survive as an expendable character – No. Not like this.

        • Scott Crawford

          Let’s say I was a Hollywood producer looking through this page for scripts to read. I wouldn’t want to read your script based on the logline you wrote. My fault? I can make any assumption I like based on a GENERIC logline. Sorry.

          • For The Lulz

            Dude. Whatever. I think you’re just still on edge because of the silly assumption you made regarding a comment of mine a few weeks back.

            Forgive me if I don’t take your comments seriously, you have a habit of running people up the wrong way.

          • Scott Crawford

            OK. Good luck with that attitude. Oh, and it’s “rubbing” not “running”. We writers like to be accurate.

          • For The Lulz

            Thanks. Will do.

            I have no problem with negative feedback, man. Trust me I’ve had A LOT, as pretty much EVERY writer has. You take it on the chin and learn from it.

            But YOU seem to have something against me personally, which has come through in several comments you’ve made. Which why I’d rather not deal with you.

            Have a nice day.

          • Scott Crawford

            I have nothing against you personally – I don’t even know your name, and I’m assuming that’s not you in the picture.

            But your logline – like a lot of these loglines – is too vague, once you take away the cutesey “action movie universe” tag.

            JACKKNIFED
            An out-of-work truck driver takes a job driving for the mob, but when he discovers his latest 18-wheel load is a family of North Korean immigrants, he and his family go on the run towards the Canadian border with half the Cosa Nostra in pursuit.

            See, less generic, more specific.

            And I will have a nice day.

          • For The Lulz

            Okay. To be fair you’re probably right. Like I said this script doesn’t make it straightforward to write the logline. It could definitely use some work. I’m a bit touchy about it because I’ve re-written it so many times, and can’t seem to get it right.

            When I see someone just repeatedly reference LAST ACTION HERO, I see red.

            But you’re right, it’s a bit generic, and could use some work.

            And my name is…..FOR THE LULZ!

          • Scott Crawford

            I’m only criticizing the LOGLINE – and like you said, loglines are difficult to write. Maybe if you just said it was a “homage to action movies” or “a send-up of action movies” rather than “in an action movie universe”, which I won’t understand without reading the script. And just tell us a BIT more about what happens in the script. I’m saying this about a lot of loglines today – they’re not bad, they’re just afraid of spoilers!

          • For The Lulz

            Not sure how I could put ‘homage to action movies’ or ‘a send-up of action movies’ anywhere in a logline without making it too long.

            But the original logline was too bland and generic.

          • Scott Crawford

            Might not be necessary. Some people have read this script, I’m just being honest – the logline doesn’t have enough originality to make the average person select this script over dozens of others. This isn’t your script, is it?:

            HENCHMAN
            Written by: Nic Lishko

            LOGLINE:
            A down on his luck Henchman, desperate to win over his family and impress his super-villain boss, sets out to capture the greatest superhero ever… his new next door neighbor.

          • For The Lulz

            No. I already knew about this one, though. It sold around 6 months after my second BL review so naturally I was ‘interested’.

            My script has nothing to do with superheros or super-villains. But let’s just say I’ll be analyzing the story very closely when it comes out.

          • Scott Crawford

            I tried to look for it but the writer’s taken it down now. It’s animated, I think.

    • Craig Mack

      I have to admit, I’m impressed by the BL reviews…. they don’t just hand out 9’s and 10’s to anyone….. Congrats. Such a random website. Have you gotten any ‘heat’ from those? I’m becoming disillusioned with the service myself.

      • For The Lulz

        Initially, I got a dozen or so downloads, and contact from a production company for an assignment. It seemed a little strange and others who got the same e-mail were also wary, so I passed on it.

        I left the script for a while to work on some other projects, but decided to get another review recently when they offered 2 free ones to any scripts that get an 8. Think I’ll be on the e-mail blast on Monday, so maybe some more downloads will come.

        I can see why you’d be disillusioned. I was for a while too. Another script got multiple 8s and downloads, but again only a little contact from the industry. Maybe it needs a few big success stories to get industry invested in it. Right now it seems even 8s and 9s wont get you that much heat. But I can’t fault the people running it, they’re trying their best to provide a service to screenwriters and some of the reviews can be quite useful.

        • Stephjones

          Appreciate you sharing this. Very helpful!

        • Craig Mack

          Agreed, I have a few ideas on how they can improve their service… but that’s for a different discussion.

          I’m reading The Henchman now.

          All the best,

          C

          • For The Lulz

            Thanks, man! Let me know what you think. Good or bad. It’s all useful.

    • walker

      Congrats on the Black List scores, those are very impressive.

      • walker

        Hey FTL, I just read your first 10. It moves well and has a consistent tone. I can see why you are scoring so well on the BL. I do think that it could benefit from a careful polish, but I am an editor and I always say that.

        • For The Lulz

          Thanks for the read! Yeah, it still needs some work. To be honest I was working on other scripts and only recently came back to this (BL was offering two free reviews if you get an 8 rating). But I’ll definitely keep that in mind.

          Thanks again!

          • walker

            You have a tendency I see a lot with writers who are excited to tell their story, which is you are barreling forward to get to the next cool thing. That’s great, and I wish I had it, but the early pages have an unpolished feel, and you might lose some readers because of that. Again it doesn’t seem to be a huge issue with the guys giving you those high BL scores. The things I noticed right off were an abundance of underlined phrases, way too many double dashes (–), and some imprecise descriptions and lackluster word choices. For example, you should describe the HR Interviewer as female before they react to “her”, and come up with an alternative for “smart” in Arthur’s intro since you just used smart in the previous line.

          • For The Lulz

            Yeah, I wondered how much is too much when underlining. I try to emphasis on certain things, but don’t want to ALL CAPS too much either. I should keep an eye on it.

            The double-dashes are part of a writing style I adopted. I Wondered if splitting up the action lines into shorter sentences, spaced further apart with double-dashes, would result in an easier read. Especially in some of the bigger paragraphs. Maybe it’s overdone a little.

            Yeah, I agree with the HR INTERVIEWER point. How did I miss that!! And I see your point about repeating words.

            Useful points here. Thanks!

          • walker

            I am not trying to nitpick, but I feel like those are missed opportunities right on page one. As writers we have our story and we have our presentation. My stories suck, but if I had good ones I wouldn’t want minor problems with my presentation to become obstacles. Something you, and all of you action dudes, should consider is if you jump right into the terse, staccato, double dashy stuff from page one, what are you going to do on page 75 when you are really going to need it? If it is wasted upfront on relatively mundane scenes, it won’t have the intended impact later on.

    • Bill Anthony Lawrence

      Thought I recognized that title … I’m near you on the current top lists. As an action fan, I liked your logline, and the BL reviews make it sound impressive. I’ll check it out. Best of luck with it. Hopefully you’ll get some traction from those high BL scores.

      • For The Lulz

        Hey, man! You wrote Nerve and Sinew a few weeks back! I enjoyed that script! Yeah, we like our action movies!

        Haha, since I gave it to you straight in my review, you can do the same! No worries, man.

    • dawriter67

      Going against his own boss – that’s a serious threat but I’m not sure about the rest of it…”while struggling to survive as an expendable character.”

    • Randy Williams

      I had to read the logline several times to understand. So, this is a fictional movie the character is in as a character?

      WYSR. You need something here. Would you go into a “room” and say that?

      Most of us are aware how hit and miss Black List scores are. Not impressed by that but hope it pushes the script out there for you! Good luck!

      So, the logline and WYSR were not there for me, personally, but I’ve liked your comments on here before so I’d probably vote for you just for that!

      • For The Lulz

        Yeah, admittedly it’s an out-there script. Not everyone is going to click with the concept. I’ve made my peace with that.

        No I would not go into a room with that. I could have written more, but I was conscious of people commenting of WYSR’s being a little too heavy lately. So I made this bare-bones. Maybe I should have put a little more.

        • Randy Williams

          Because it’s an “out there script” the WYSR could have been used to put me at ease. Going to give it a read when I have time, I always learn from you action guys on how to make visuals clear.

    • Caleb Yeaton

      Congrats on the BL scores. The most I ever pulled was an 8, and the next reader wasn’t anywhere near that – it’s too subjective for me to pay for at my current station in life, so color me envious of the 9’s and 8’s. Consider this downloaded.

    • Kirk Diggler

      He’s actually a laid-off steel worker before becoming a henchman. Not sure what his flaw is. He’s too old to actually be a henchman (I like that angle.) The break into Act 2 is dedicating himself to becoming the best Henchman he can be for the sake of his family. The mid-point shift is **SPOILER**

      ………….. killing an innocent man. The All is lost moment is having his wife and daughter kidnapped and put in danger when he rebels against The Stem gang.

      These are the elements that need to make up your logline. I suck at loglines myself.

      It might be somewhere along the lines of:

      “In order to support his family, an aging unemployed steel worker becomes a top criminal henchman, but when he doesn’t like what he’s become he must fight off members of his own gang in order to save his wife and daughter.”

      It’s probably pretty average, maybe someone who is good at these things can improve it.

      As i said, I suck at these things. But usually there are at least 4 elements in a logline, The flawed character before the storm, the break into 2, the mid-point shift and the all time low before break into 3.

      Aging unemployed steel-worker, becoming the best henchman, killing an innocent man (re-evaluating) and then having wife/daughter kidnapped/put in danger.

      I read 70 pages to come up with a logline, to see if the structural elements were there or not. And they were, so it was easy to come up with at least a perfunctory logline based on your story structure. I’ll post some story notes a little later.

      Good work.

    • Kirk Diggler

      The Henchman

      Character descriptions could be a stronger.

      Since we’re jumping back and forth between the VAN and OFFICE interview, shouldn’t one be labeled FLASHBACK? Personally, it think once you establish the HR Interviewer and Arthur in the scene, the rest of her comments would work well as a V.O. over the bank heist rather than the cutting back and forth.

      I like how RHM is on a first name basis with the bank manager.

      RHM could have a quip about how better security will lead to lower insurance rates.

      I like the scene with Gramps. It’s a trope but it’s clear you are having fun with them.

      Luxury handbags seem like a rather un-glamorous reward. Why not something bigger?

      I like Gramps explanation of why John Steele is unbeatable.

      liked Steel’s retort to Arthur about his wife

      Like how Steel calls Arthur a punk even though he is a little older

      Wasn’t a fan of the kids and mom dying, doesn’t fit the satirical tone. But I understand why you did it because it plays later.

      Break into Act 2 on page 30. Could be a few pages earlier but nothing too far off.

      The Gramps training sessions… Dodgeball with Rip Torn sprang to mind.

      Watching old gangster movie as example what not to do = funny

      Once Arthur improves his physique and skill level he lacks a goal. Other than ‘getting out’. But it also kind of plays into the ‘movie within a movie’ premise.

      John Steel — “ever since you killed my mentor and secret father” … chuckle

      “So…why not attach sights to the guns or something?” chuckle

      mid-point shift -(pg 55) Arthur forced to kill

      Jon Steel’s love of irony is on par with Alanis Morrisette …..they both seem to misuse the word.

      The bulletproof vest was a bit of a weak moment for me. I saw it coming. But his explanation was amusing at least.

      The stuff with the John Steele family reveals might be better earned if we cared more about his character. And yes it was foreshadowed slightly (with the funny line i pointed out), but still, I think the big reveals should be about your main character.

      pg 103 – good that someone threw one of Steel’s cheesy lines back in his face.

      Overall it was well done. I do think one of it’s weaknesses is that you seem to have split the difference between full-on farce and straight action film. There is a little bit of both. The humor is well played. Maybe there could have been more. Funny equals better. As it is there are times when the humor is scaled back, then inserted at an odd time. Like Steel’s “I always wanted to be a hero” line.

      Perhaps expanding on Steel’s character might make for a better story. The battling gangs thing could be cast aside for Arthur rising through the ranks because he has been given the movie formula (from gramps) for how to defeat the hero. You did a little of that with the mayor party scene. More would be good. I didn’t find RHM and Tool as interesting as Steel could be. That’s the dynamic that would work for me. And you seem to have fun with all the action hero tropes. Steel plays so heavily in the climatic scene but he is so one dimensional (intentional I gather) that his realization at the end isn’t as good as it could be if he had more depth.

      Playing against some of the tropes might also be fun as well. What if Gramps was just a down and dirty s.o.b. instead of the mentor nice guy? His role is fun as it is but kinda predictable too. Anyway, I give this a vote for one of the five AOW nominees, mainly because I read the whole thing, which i don’t do a lot of. Good luck with it.

      • For The Lulz

        Thanks for the read!!!

        Yeah, the back and forth flashbacks to the
        interviews has been pointed out by another reader as well, so I’m
        definitely going to look into that.

        The point about Arthur
        potentially reaching his arc once his henchman training was also pointed
        out. I intended Arthur’s overall arc as one of becoming the hero of the
        movie, which plays out more in the 2nd half of the script, but I
        probably need to work on it to emphasize it more given the feedback I’ve received.

        The script is a balancing act between action-drama
        and action-comedy. That might risk too much confusion/muddling with the
        script’s tone. I’ll have to look into it. Maybe lean more on comedy like you said.

        Good idea about Steel.
        He was intended as a parody of one-dimensional action heroes, but maybe
        he appears too sporadically. Might need to expand his character a
        little.

        Some great points here, and a lot to think on. Thanks again!!!

        • Kirk Diggler

          Regarding the arc- actually I think it comes across pretty clearly. He has one. I think it works. I just think he has a strong arc without having strong goals other than, get in, get good, get out. He clearly is a changed character at the end. But in terms of character goals, having him being John Steel’s nemesis might lead to stronger motivations and overall goals (seeing him rewarded for his prowess, moving up the ranks could create conflict with his family, the people he initially got into henchman work for in the first place.) This would allow you to show Steel as more than just a cartoon black and white character, Maybe he’s good, just not all good. Same with Arthur. The denouement could be the same, they have to overcome their differences to defeat the gang/gangs, but Arthur using his smarts to overcome the typical henchman redshirt death by becoming Steel’s near equal, is worth exploring perhaps.

          One other thing I forgot to mention. The dashes totally DID NOT bother me. I didn’t even notice them util some other reviewer pointed them out. It’s strange what some readers claim ‘pull them out of the read’… this did not bother me. The ONLY thing i would fix are the orphans caused by having too many dashes. That might shorten your script by a page or two at least.

  • Shawn Davis

    Mission Style- Comedy

    And eccentric, alcoholic minister is either going to save his beloved mission from foreclosure or go to hell trying.

    WYSR-
    In a time of cookie cutter comedy and bromance everything, I wanted to take a completely fresh approach to this beautiful genre, while also giving a nod to comedic giant, Mel Brooks. This story leaves age, sexual preference, faith, and social standing, with a big red swollen hickey.

    Most people know me for writing thrillers but my cornerstone and first love is comedy, and laugh for laugh, I’ll take the Pepsi challenge with amateur script out there.

    • Scott Crawford

      Best part is “go to Hell trying”. Brilliant! You’re telling people it’s a comedy.

      There was a comedy writer who had to help write a script starring Eddie Murphy as an angel helping a young girl at Christmas (vomit!), but the writer said his biggest contribution to the project was the title, a title that told them immediately it was a comedy:

      Hell of an Angel.

      Sorry for the aside, lots of trivia like that. Perfectly cool logline. May want to give a HINT of the sort of things the minister does to save his mission. Don’t be afraid of spoiling a few things in the logline – better than keeping it all a secret.

      • Shawn Davis

        Thanks for the great advice Scott!!!

        I have considered expanding a bit on the longline.

        Take care,

        Shawn…..><

    • http://www.linkedin.com/pub/brett-martin/52/702/72 ElectricDreamer

      Had a ton of fun reading this script back in the day on Simply Scripts.
      I could hear Mel’s voice as I read the dialogue.

      • Shawn Davis

        Thanks Brett!!!

        It’s undergoing the finishing touches of a rewrite. I needed to get back to comedy for a while after my last script.

        Btw… How is your script coming? I want another shot at it now that my life has leveled off some.

        Take car, brother.

        Shawn…..><

    • Somersby

      Very nice logline. You capture the theme, tone and synopsis for the script in one succinct, nicely crafted sentence. Well done.

      • Shawn Davis

        Thank you, Somersby

        I truly appreciate it.

        Shawn…..><

    • Randy Williams

      In the logline, I’m not completely clear what a “mission” is. Maybe change beloved to something specific to the mission’s mission?

      Loved the WYSR. Think that could get you on board. I think Carson likes “nods to”. I’m not sure, however, anyone should mention they are straying from their usual genre, implies problems perhaps?

      • Shawn Davis

        Hi Randy,

        A mission is a building, a church.

        As for straying from a usual genre, in this instance comedy, I did so to challenge myself. Most people know me for thrillers due to the attention my script “What doesn’t kill you” received. I wanted to challenge myself by writing a thriller, thus WDKY was written. Most people font know me for comedy. I hope that makes sense.

        Thanks got the great input.

        Take care,

        Shawn…..><

        • Somersby

          The title “Mission Style” also suggests missionary position… and a suggestion of ribald humor. I think it’s brilliant.

    • dawriter67

      Not bad – you can afford to extend it a bit more..save the mission from WHAT or ELSE something will happen?

      • Shawn Davis

        Hi Dawriter,

        Thanks for the advice. He is trying to save it from foreclosure.

        In an earlier longline, I included an attempt to explain why the foreclosure but it muddied it.

        Instead I decided to keep it up to the reader.

        Take care,

        Shawn…..><

        • dawriter67

          I know foreclosure is a generic word maybe you can say greedy land developers or something…

          • Shawn Davis

            Thanks for the great advice.

            I’m finishing up the rewrite this week and will be tweeting the log-line as well.

            Thanks again

            Shawn…..><

          • Scott Crawford

            Fracking.

    • VJCine

      Sounds good man, looking forward to it.

      • Shawn Davis

        Thanks VC,

        I hope to have a shot at it.

        Take care,

        Shawn…..><

    • hickeyyy

      Why am I red and swollen?

      • Shawn Davis

        Lol

  • cjob3

    Glad to see your hat in the ring Britt. Youre an amazing writer.

    • brittany

      Thanks, Colin! Right back at ya!

  • lonestarr357

    Title: Take Your Daughter to Work Day

    Genre: Thriller

    Logline: A personnel manager finds himself at the whim of a twisted young woman who insinuates himself into his life.

    Why you should read: Because I’ve always had a fondness for ‘If you don’t do this, we’ll kill your family’ movies and this is me throwing my hat into the ring. Also, it’d be crazy cheap to produce…well, relatively so, anyway.

    https://www.sendspace.com/file/x9xawx

    • Scott Crawford

      I’m doing the same for all these loglines, so:

      Personnel manager – OK
      Finds himself – How?
      At the whim – How?
      Twisted – OK
      Young woman – Vague
      Insinuates herself into his life – How?

      Also not sure how the title fits in with the logline, or why this is a thriller.

      • lonestarr357

        So…you won’t be reading it, then?

        • Scott Crawford

          Sorry, it’s not really my thing. I think you have to put more specificity into the logline to grab people’s attention. Like:

          A popular office manager for a large multinational is seduced by a twisted young temp. secretary who will do anything or anyone to get ahead in business.

          Not brilliant, but it tells you a little more than the old logline. Something like that.

          • lonestarr357

            Okay. Take two:

            A personnel manager for an insurance company must figure out how to save his wife and himself from a vengeful young woman’s twisted revenge scheme.

          • Scott Crawford

            Agree with Adam; much better logline, but you still haven’t explained the title.

          • lonestarr357

            On Take Your Daughter to Work Day, a personnel manager for an insurance company must figure out how to save his wife and himself from a vengeful young woman’s twisted revenge scheme.

            Wordy as shit, but, hey, I explained the title.

      • Shawn Davis

        I agree with Scott. The title needs shortening as well . Thrillers are usually one or two words.

        Just a thought.

        • Sullivan

          Title reads more comedy than thriller.

    • dawriter67

      The idea of taking his daughter to work brings up the possibilities of hijinks so the idea sounds cool but the logline doesn’t sell me the story.

  • Randy Williams

    I started reading this. There is a kind of “matter of fact” to the way it begins, not dwelling on the psychology and therapy for the girl that I thought was absolutely compelling. The scene in the art supply store where she puts the paint on the customer’s hand, oh my, I just love scenes like this where a character you feel for is trying to do something and it’s not like what they are doing is bad, in fact, it’s liberating and yet in the context of things, it’s a bad move. Bravo!

    Yet, in the first 30 pages, there were some things that gave me pause. The visions while she’s in the bath seemed first choice and honestly, her saying “It’s not real, it’s not real” in a later scene made me cringe. I wanted her to have a goal earlier. A painting in an art competition, something she needed to do for someone. I see now Early seems to be a target for something. I was intrigued however, much more by her interest in Tina. (but that’s probably a prurient interest, haha)

    Still, I’m going to read on. I have to know what happens to her.

    A very good choice for AOW!

    • brittany

      Thanks, Randy! Noted on the “It’s not real” thing. I added that recently and it’s mainly to make the reader understand that what is happening is in fact “Not real” but just a hallucination. I think I can come up with a better way to say it, for sure. Hope you enjoy the rest! :)

  • cjob3

    It’s still under construction so I can’t offer the script but I thought I’d test out my logline…
    Title: Miss Universe
    Logline: A vapid queen is abducted by aliens who think her title means she’s Earth’s ambassador.
    Why Should If You Could Read: It’s “Galaxy Quest” meets “Legally Blonde.” Deep space has never been more shallow.

    • Stephjones

      Hah. Hah. Pretty funny! I’d vote for it!
      Love the tagline: deep space has never been more shallow.

    • brittany

      The idea of this just sounds freaking hilarious. And coming from you, I know know it will be a killer comedy. The only thing I would say is that maybe it needs to be “Beauty Queen”? She’s not really a queen obviously, right? Other than that, I’m interested to know if she will then try to rule the aliens. And if so, will she ever return to earth? These aren’t issues, per say, but just general thoughts which compel me to want to find out what happens in the script. Can’t wait to read it.

      • cjob3

        D’oh! Good catch, Brittany! Thank you!

        • witwoud

          I rather prefer ‘Miss Universe’ because both themes are right there in the title (sci-fi / beauty pageants.) You could still work the ‘beauty queen’ angle into the script, though.

          • Scott Crawford

            Agree – it’s a great “double meaning” title. Only problem MIGHT be that Miss Universe is copyrighted.

          • cjob3

            Yeah, that’s a concern. Suppose I could make it Ms. Universe or Mizz Universe but I don’t wanna.

          • Scott Crawford

            Stick with Miss Universe, but please be aware someone’ll probably want some money for using it if a film is produced.

            I remember some guys pitched a script called Espionage For Dummies about useless spies who find a book with that title. The writers got permission to use the “For Dummies” trademark before pitching the script, so essential was it to their concept.

          • Sullivan

            Miss Milky Way. Miss Galaxy. Whatevers.

          • http://www.vanquish-interactive.com Vanquish

            Titles are not copywrite-able. So you’re in the clear. Hit me up. I’ll explain more: jd@vanquish-interactive.com

          • cjob3

            What Brittany meant was I originally screwed up the post. I wrote “A vapid queen is abducted…” instead of ” a vapid beauty queen.” I corrected it.

          • witwoud

            Whoops. Sorry. Having a slow day here.

    • For The Lulz

      That’s BRILLIANT!!!!!!

      Hurry up and write it, so we can read it here!

    • Altius

      This is terrific. Now I really want to see the movie…better hurry up that script!

    • Nicholas J

      I’m at the front of the line to read this when it’s done, please. Love your stuff.

    • Randy Williams

      Usually I don’t like the use of “Something meets something” in a WYSR, I but I thought this was a perfect use of it.
      The tagline is brilliant. You can see the poster.
      It has legs, I can see this animated or as a Broadway musical.
      Some might want a hint more of what else will happen in the story from the logline, will she fall in love with an alien? Cause an intergalactic war?

      Definitely want to see this on AOW!

    • https://twitter.com/deanmaxbrooks deanb

      “In space, no one can hear you preen.”

      Love this idea. I envision Kaley Cuoco as the lead to pull in the massive Big Bang audience.

      What if there’s the threat of alien civil war, with half the aliens aligned behind Miss Universe, and the other half behind Mr. Universe, a ripped and narcissistic body builder? Just a thought. Good luck on this.

      • Stephjones

        Hah. Hah. Love the tagline! Clever.

    • witwoud

      It’s a good sign for a comedy when the logline by itself makes you laugh. Count me in!

    • Scott Crawford

      Best logline so far. If the characters, story, and writing are great – and I have no doubt they will be – this is the only logline so far that stands a chance in the marketplace. Brilliant!

    • Sebastian Cornet

      The reason why the premise (I don’t think it’s a logline) stands out is simple: I can actually see an original and quirky story unfold out of this, so I want to see more. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a fan of this writer.

      I say this isn’t a logline because there’s no hint of a quest/goal or stakes, but the premise is cool, and the writer has proved himself to me, so I’d give you a shot on those things alone.

    • dawriter67

      For me it’s a pass – it’s a bit campy and assuming the aliens can read English to understand Miss Universe? I know it’s a comedy but..the idea sounds funny but it’s not for me.

      • Scott Crawford

        I think the aliens think that, because she’s called Miss Universe, she’s the greatest woman on earth, which is a reasonable assumption to make! And there are probably some STUPID aliens out there.

        • dawriter67

          Stupid yeah but smart enough to understand English. :-) Best “space comedy” for me was Space Balls and Galaxy Quest – the logline IS funny – but the script better back it up though.

          • Scott Crawford

            The script better be good, indubitably. Enjoyed Galaxy Quest more for its performances than the story; I felt THEY were stupid aliens for thinking a TV show is a documentary, so I just enjoyed the comedy bits. (It would have been SO much funnier if Sigourney Weaver had been allowed to say “Fuck that!” when she sees all that machinery going up and down!).

          • dawriter67

            Don’t forget “Paul” the foul mouthed chain smoking alien – had me in stitches!

      • klmn

        It does sound campy, in the vein of Earth Girls Are Easy.

    • Caleb Yeaton

      Not sure what else to say here that hasn’t already been said, but I freakin’ love the idea here. Like deanb said, I immediately got the mental image of Kayley Cuoco in my head. I’d break my creep-streak to vote for this in AoW if it appeared.

    • Montana Gillis

      Made me laugh. Good logline!

    • Sullivan

      I likey, but it seems one note. Your logline (and plot) needs a “but when…” But when they find out the truth, they vow to destroy Earth in revenge. But when she refuses to bear heirs, the planet’s handsomest alien is called in to woo her. Something else to make it less one dimensional.

    • mondog

      Love the logline, gets my vote!

    • Panos Tsapanidis

      So, the most-voted choice is unwritten.. :(

    • Sullivan

      I still don’t like “Earth’s ambassador.” Seems very low stakes. What power does an ambassador have really? Who can even name one? If one goes missing, would anyone notice?

      I think it should be “Earth’s ruler.” That way the aliens think they really have someone with power and, as a writer, you can do more with that than just some ambassador.

      Discuss…

      • cjob3

        I’d also be curious for peoples thoughts on this.

  • Somersby

    TITLE: “Spur of the Moment”

    LOGLINE: A man undergoes a surprising and remarkable transformation after he
    uncharacteristically decks a belligerent stranger — only to learn the man he punched is a notorious underworld figure who’s looking to exact revenge.

    GENRE: thriller/comedy

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: The script is influenced by films such as “Midnight Run” and
    “Married to the Mob”. I like films that can successfully blend the elements from several genres. Kind of the same but different. I’ve had some solid, but limited feedback—but the script did win the IFA Feature Length Screenplay Competition.

    • Shawn Davis

      I would read this. Two reasons.

      First– thriller / comedy is the absolute hardest hybrid to pull off . I just tried but don’t think I was too good at it. So if this won a contest, it must be pretty dam good.

      Second– I like the longline:)

      Shawn…..><

      • Somersby

        Thanks, Shawn.

    • Stephjones

      Hey Somerby,

      Sounds good! I’m not that great at loglines but I would try and describe the man to give us a hint as to what quality in him changes.
      For example: the life of a timid man changes when the belligerent stranger he just decked turns out to be a notorious underworld figure, now bent on revenge.

      • Somersby

        Excellent suggestion, Steph. Thanks.

        At one point I had described him as being “disheartened” but I took it out, thinking it was too vague. I’ll try to come up with something more appropriate.

        • Stephjones

          Better. Additional thoughts: Is he on the cusp, or in the middle of a mid life crisis and I forgot to mention that I think you need either remarkable or surprising but not both.

    • Randy Williams

      I want to know a little bit more about the man who “uncharacteristically decks a stranger”. Also two films in the WYSR are not widely known. Is that a hindrance, perhaps? The competition win seems to be getting a lot of scripts on AOW so leave that in.
      Almost piques my curiosity to want it on AOW but need a bit more.

      • Somersby

        You and Steph picked up on the same thing. You’re right. It needs one more bit of description in there. Thanks, Randy.

    • Scott Crawford

      Great logline! You got the original hook – uncharacteristically decks a belligerent stranger – and the twist – he’s a notorious underworld figure. If the writing is as good, you’ve got a winner. But…

      … title isn’t the greatest. Off the top of my head:

      Punch Drunk
      The Punch
      Blowback
      Bob vs. The Mob (have to make the lead character’s name Bob though)
      Sleeping With the Fishes
      The Fredo

      Anything that suggest it’s a comedy thriller about the mob.

      • Somersby

        Thanks, Scott. The title ties in to the fact that the protagonist’s transition happens as a result of an action for which he gave no premeditated thought. He just acts on the spur of the moment.

        Be interesting to hear if others have a similar reaction. If so, I’ll have some rethinking to do!

    • pmlove

      If you’re willing to share – lovepeterm at gmail.

      Does ‘decks’ translate to North American?

      • Somersby

        I’m Canadian, so I suspect it’s meaning of “to knock (someone) down by force” should be clear. It’s a common term in many sports — especially the more physical (read: violent) ones.

        Sent. Enjoy.

      • Scott Crawford

        I’ve heard “deck” on an episode of Monk said by Ted Levine, so I assume it’s understandable to most Americans.

        • klmn

          I can’t speak for most Americans but it’s pretty common usage.

    • dawriter67

      Yeah this is a good logline that gets my vote.

    • ThomasBrownen

      Great logline, Somersby! It’s perhaps a bit long, and like a few other posters, I was thrown off by the word “deck” (I thought I knew what it meant while reading the logline, but momentarily thought it could mean “porch”), but I downloaded the script and might try read it. Good luck with it!

      • Somersby

        Thanks TB. Love to hear what you think. My email is on the script.

  • Nicholas J

    Opened this while eating breakfast. Not the best decision.

    • brittany

      LOL, sorry about that!

      • Nicholas J

        Picked it back up. Best I’ve opened from this thread. Well done.

        • brittany

          Thank you so much, Nicholas J!

  • Altius

    TITLE: The Scarab

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/3q2c55jf93e416q/The_Scarab.pdf

    LOGLINE: In 1928, a disillusioned young Englishwoman is recruited to follow in the footsteps of her long-lost parents to find an ancient Egyptian artifact of unspeakable power, racing against the brutal ex-soldier who’s hot on its trail.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: This is the kind of movie we love. Parker’s father grew up in Egypt, imparting to his family a passion for the ancient land and surrounding them with relics of its epic history. Paul’s love for the heart and daring escapades of films like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade has inspired his own creativity for years. In The Scarab, we’ve gone for the spirit of those things that made us story-tellers in the first place. This is a thrilling, globe-trotting, action-packed adventure story. Enjoy the ride.

    • Scott Crawford

      Based on the subject, I’d put this on my list of scripts to read. In particular, congrats on putting the VILLAIN in your logline. I love villains, and most people forget them. Maybe a little irony on a young woman searching for the scarab. Perhaps her parents wanted her brother to be the treasure hunter, but he was killed – by the brutal ex-soldier!

      Kind of Alanis-Morrisette irony, but…

    • dawriter67

      This would go on my read list, too. Looks to be a fun romp.

    • Sullivan

      Like the concept. My only quibble is with the motivation of the “brutal ex-soldier.” Good villain, but he seems random. You need to hint on why he’s “hot on its trail.” He’s bent on world domination? He’s being paid a large sum by an evil millionaire? He wants it for home and country? Her motivation is blear enough–she was recruited, it’s her family business, possibly more. But not him. He could be interchangeable with any number of professions. Mad ex-scientist. Evil archaeology professor.

      • Altius

        Good call. Thanks, Sullivan. “…racing against a brutal ex-soldier who seeks to return the Ottoman Empire to power.”

        Improvement?

        • Scott Crawford

          Ottoman Empire! F— yeah! Much better, much more original! Put THAT in the logline, if you can.

          • Altius

            Boom. Done.

        • Sullivan

          Perfect!

  • http://www.linkedin.com/pub/brett-martin/52/702/72 ElectricDreamer

    I’m going to pick my own five AOW candidate slots this week.
    Once they fill up, I’ll crack open all the scripts and see which ones I salute.

    1. The Henchman
    2. Pet
    3. Corridor of Freaks
    4.
    5.

    I’d open up Chickin Lickin & Spur of the Moment if they found their way to me.
    I’ll check back on the thread later today for more candidates. Please keep them coming!

    • Stephjones

      Hey Electric Dreamer!

      Could I email a copy of Chickin Lickin to you?

      • pmlove

        Can you email one to me?! lovepeterm – gmail

        • Stephjones

          Sent. Thanks, Peter!

      • Craig Mack

        Steph — thecraigmackATgmail

    • Scott Crawford

      Are these based on the loglines or based on what you know of the scripts/writers?

    • Somersby
    • klmn

      Thanks.

    • Stephjones

      Did I miss your email address? I thought I saw it but now it’s gone. Not to be a pest…well…a slight pest. Could you repost or send it to me via kalikalot – hotmail.com? Thanks!

  • murphologist

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/daywjdfb8vt2vpb/The_Midget_Clowns_Fight_Back.pdfhttps://www.mediafire.com/?ee7bgrgx6zca5pvhttps://www.mediafire.com/?ee7bgrgx6zca5pv

    Title: The Midget Clowns Fight Back

    Genre: Horror Comedy

    Logline: An awkward security guard uncovers a vast conspiracy to take over the world perpetuated by diminutive clowns that only HE can see, and he’s the only one who can stop them.

    Why You Should (Shouldn’t) Read: See Logline

    • SinclareRose

      I’m just having a little trouble matching the title with the logline. If the midget clowns are the ones who are taking over, wouldn’t the security guard be the one who’s fighting back?

      Just a little rewording:

      An awkward security guard uncovers a vast conspiracy to take over the world perpetuated by diminutive clowns that must be stopped, and he’s the only one who can see them.
      Oh, if you keep the title, maybe drop “The”.

  • Sherif001

    TITLE: The Prisoner

    GENRE: Adventure/Drama/Thriller

    LOGLINE: A former rebel must survive in an air pocket of a sinking ship, that was sabotaged out at sea by the same insurgent group he was once sold to as a child.

    Why you should read: Met with quite a few companies completely head over heels for this project, but considered it to be beyond left field for a contained thriller. I will attest that it is indeed something no one has ever seen/read before and as testament to that has errand me the moniker: “Oh The Cool Dude With The Butt Naked Stuff”. In fact, the head of one of the major companies – will remain unmentioned – said if its finally made I can come back and sock him one in the throat on sheer principle.
    P.S. I know the script isn’t posted, I need at least five or six request to outweigh my guilty conscience and the trouble I will be in with my reps for posting it.

    • pmlove

      request #1 – lovepeterm at gmail

    • charliesb

      request #2 – birdieey at gmail

  • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

    Because Halloween is around the corner…

    TITLE: The Fourth House

    GENRE: Mystery/Ghost Story

    LOGLINE: A distressed young mother, convinced that her family is conspiring to separate her from her newborn baby due to postpartum psychosis, flees with the child to a distant lakeside resort – there to stumble across a decades old supernatural mystery that may hold clues to her disturbing visions of her own murder in a previous life.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ IT: The very first draft of this script found its way to producers at FFC’s Zoetrope Studio years ago after one of the moderators on its site compared it favorably to M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense. He wasn’t the only one as the script has gone on to win first place/horror in Fade In Award’s horror category, named as a top 5 finalist in the Screamfest competition (I really wanted one of those skull trophies, too!), as well as a finalist in Shriekfest for whom I recently did a short interview with here: http://www.shriekfest.com/interviews/2014/jim-barker/

    In addition, I’ve had numerous considers from coverage including the comments below. While the script has been passed around as a result, I have not sent it out on my own as I’ve continually honed it over the years, applying knowledge and new insights to it as I continually seek to grow and learn as much as I can – in fact, I’m going through, yet again, to provide another polish and tweaking the suspense factor even further. The comments below are from several years ago and the script is in much better shape than it was then, but hopefully they’ll give one a further sense of what it’s about and its quality. Also, I know my stuff – you can check out my blog here and see for yourself: https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com.

    “The Others by way of Sixth Sense, [it’s] fortunate to possess both a terrific premise and a strong execution, delivering a uniquely-conceived story set in the familiar local of terror-laded New England, where for moviegoers, the past continues to haunt the present in a terrifying manner. Like the aforementioned films that have explored this milieu in the past, this has the potential to become a serious and seriously scary treatment, properly giving the genre a deserving new installment. Simply put, [it] has the potential to be a major (and majorly successful) suspense film and with the right director, could be an amazing visual experience.” –RR/ScriptShark

    “A compelling and creepy tale… (whose) elements lead to a truly dramatic and surprising climax.” –Script Pipeline

    “This is a fantastic story…[with] all sorts of wonderful twists and turns. I was very impressed by this tale; the natural set-ups, the great connection between past and present crimes, the plants and payoffs. Very promising.” –MG/Truby’s Writers Studio

    “Chilling in tone, and fairly creepy with its overall atmosphere, this script presents a classic horror ghost story with a fairly creative plot. Following the footsteps of movies like The Sixth Sense and The Others, it manages to create an interesting back story, while at the same time presenting plenty of chilling twists, turns, and reveals over the course of its execution.” — EK/ScriptShark

    • Scott Crawford

      There’s a lot of ideas in this logline. I’m saying to some people put more ideas in, but this may be too much.

      OK… Fearing her family want to take her baby away from her, a young mother suffering from postpartum depression flees to a remote lakeside resort that may hold the key to her disturbing visions.

      Maybe. Definitely shorter.

    • Sebastian Cornet

      Trim the logline down, mate, it’s too long. Plus, it’s the quest going to be fleeing her family or solving the mystery? The mystery could use a little fleshing out, I think. A hint at least. Whenever somebody throws in “a mystery” and it’s vague I’m not interested. A little more specificity couldn’t hurt.

      • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

        I didn’t write the logline – a WGA member did. Go figure ;).

        • Sebastian Cornet

          Go figure, indeed! Maybe some people get complacent when they leave the front line.

          • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

            I honestly think that’s perhaps true to an extent; having already established a body of work and reputation, they’re probably a lot less dependent on one to be read.

    • dawriter67

      I like the creepy vibe of this. I’m not a fan of bloody horrors or slashers – I like horrors that creep me with visuals so this would go in my read pile if I was a mega-buck producer.

      • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

        Not much blood – it’s really psychological and more in line with The Turn of the Screw. The entire postpartum psychosis lends itself to is she or isn’t she crazy (symptoms include hallucinations, hearing things, voices, etc.). One might think her crazy until the townspeople find her strangely familiar and haunted by her presence as she attempts to uncover their dark past and her relation to it.

        It’s also fairly low budget, easily $1-2m range.

        • Scott Crawford

          Not that keen on people emphasizing their script’s low-budget. If the script’s good, doesn’t matter whether they spend $2 million or $200 million. Just concentrate on making the script the best it can be and let someone else decide how much to spend on it. My opinion, for what it’s worth (free, actually).

    • Craig Mack

      Jim — I would be interested in a read thecraigmackATgmail

      • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

        Craig, might be a bit – I’m having serious issues with my macbook at the moment. :

        • Altius

          I’d love to get a copy, too, when your tech issues are sorted! Sounds like you’ve got something good here. Nice work on the accolades.

          ParkerJamisonFilm at gmail.

          • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

            Had to restore from time machine and hadn’t backed up in about two weeks so I lost the first half of the polish I was working on. I’m focusing on it over the next few days and will forward it to you later this week. Thanks!

      • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

        Ok, had to restore my macbook and lost work since my last save to time machine. Fortunately I was only halfway through a polish, but I have to start over from the beginning and have a good memory. I’ll aim to get this to you later this week – just happy by laptop is functioning!

        • Craig Mack

          Man, good luck!

    • scriptfeels

      I’m also interested in reading this one as well :3

      • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

        What’s your e-mail and I’ll forward it by week’s end. As noted below, had to restore my macbook and lost 1/2 of the polish I was working on, but will focus on it over the next few days. Thanks.

        • scriptfeels

          scwirlysquirrel at gmail .com :3

  • murphologist

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/ee7bgrgx6zca5pv/The_Merchants.pdf

    Title: The Merchants

    Genre: Crime Drama

    Logline: A charismatic criminal takes two fatherless boys under his wing, then thrusts them into the midst of a brutal gangland war that threatens to tear their entire world apart.

    Why You Should Read: If you like SERIOUS gangster dramas that flirt with pulpy melodrama amid jarring sequences of brutality, who knows, you MIGHT dig this. Hell, I might even venture to say that if you read this, you might even REMEMBER it. I don’t know. No one’s actually read it except for me. So enjoy!

    • Scott Crawford

      Logline reminds me – in a good way – of David Morell’s Brotherhood of the Rose, though I’m assuming boys are pre-teens.

      OK, so I’ve done what I haven’t done with most of these loglines and read a bit of the screenplay. These “boys” are in their 20s, so they’re not “boys”, they’re young men. That makes the story less interesting to me.

      (Writing’s OK, just that gangster stuff doesn’t really fly for me.).

      • murphologist

        I should have changed “boys” to “brothers” in the Logline. In fact, in retrospect, it was ORIGINALLY “brothers.” Not sure why I changed it.

        • Scott Crawford

          Brothers IS better.

    • SinclareRose

      Hi morphologist. You write both gangland and gangster. In “gangland” I see crips/bloods style. In “gangster” I see Italian crime boss drama. Just wondering if there was a way to make that more clear.

      • murphologist

        The thing is, the types of gangsters these people are, are uncategorized. I wrote them kind of color blind so actors of any ethnicity could play them. Because the story is not really about the type of gangsters they are, it’s about the type of people they are. The gangster element is more of a backdrop to a story about people conquering their inner demons and pursuing some kind of honor in an honorless lifestyle.

        • SinclareRose

          And here’s me trying to pigeon-hole it. It’s great that you’re not. Your story actually sounds more interesting with that last part in there.

          To try to teach them honor in an honorless lifestyle, a charismatic criminal takes two fatherless brothers under his wing, then thrusts them into the midst of a brutal gangland war that threatens to tear their entire world apart.
          Does he really thrust them into a gangland war, or was it inadvertent?

          • murphologist

            It’s inadvertent. The gangland war is the midpoint shift. It begins and ends quickly, but the after effects lead every remaining character to conflict with each other in different ways.

  • Sherif001

    TITLE: The Prisoner

    GENRE: Adventure/Drama/Thriller

    LOGLINE: A former rebel must survive in an air pocket of a sinking ship, that was sabotaged out at sea by the same insurgent group he was once sold to as a child.

    Why you should read: Met with quite a few companies completely head over heels for this project, but considered it to be beyond left field for a contained thriller. I will attest that it is indeed something no one has ever seen/read before and as testament to that has errand me the moniker: “Oh The Cool Dude With The Butt Naked Stuff”. In fact, the head of one of the major companies – will remain unmentioned – said if its finally made I can come back and sock him one in the throat on sheer principle.
    P.S. I know the script isn’t posted, I need at least five or six request to outweigh my guilty conscience and the trouble I will be in with my reps for posting it.

    • Sebastian Cornet

      I like the idea of surviving in an air pocket, reminds me of “Buried,” but I think the rest doesn’t add anything to the premise. Does it really matter who sabotaged the ship? I wanna know how he’s going to escape, how much time does he have, and what’s standing in the way!

      • Sherif001

        shoot me your email.

      • cjob3

        Actually – bit close to “Submerged” too, isn’t it?

        • Sebastian Cornet

          Kind of. I got the impression this ex-rebel dude was on his own, though, so that sets it apart. The proof of the pudding is in the eating, though; it’d take the screenplay to know if this isn’t some knockoff.

          • Scott Crawford

            It’s Gravity without the space debris. It’s All Is Lost without the storms. IT SOUNDS F—ING DEPRESSING!!!

            I’m being very honest today. I think it’s best.

    • Kimmo Häkäri

      As far as the logline goes I got a little confused as to the time period when the story takes place. Is this a contemporary story? If so “rebels” and child-slavery sound something that could take place in Africa or maybe Middle-east.

    • Sherif001

      Are these requests? Maybe to answer all of your questions reading it might help. Shoot me your emails.

      • Sherif001
      • Scott Crawford

        Trouble is, Sherif001, everyone and his AUNT are posting scripts today, and we can’t read them all, so people are going to go by the logline. If people don’t get your logline – and I understand it, but I’m not compelled to read it; just me – your logline MAY need to be changed.

    • dawriter67

      I wonder if the logline would still work as “A former rebel must survive in an air pocket of a sinking ship.”

      The line..he was once sold to as a child is a bit of an after thought but it’s still a grabber though.

  • Sebastian Cornet

    Here’s my two cents:

    “The Man in the Pines”

    Genre: Thriller

    Logline: to find the maniac behind a gruesome hate crime, a reckless sheriff must interrogate a traumatized witness with the only qualified psychologist–the woman who’s divorcing him.

    Why you should read: Hell, if the logline didn’t get you I don’t think anything I write here will.

    • pmlove

      I’m not sure the hook here is enough; I’d expect them both to act professionally and interrogate the witness accordingly. Maybe that’s just me.

      The hook has nothing really to do with the hate crime (the sheriff and his ex-wife could be working on any case together), which gives the logline an unbalanced feeling.

      • Scott Crawford

        Maniac – Generic, but OK
        Gruesome hate crime – What?
        Reckless sheriff – OK
        Interrogate – Do sheriffs interrogate witnesses or interview them?
        Traumatized – Why?
        Only qualified – Why the only one? (maybe there’s a good reason, but it sounds odd)
        Psychiatrist – OK
        Woman who’s divorcing him – Agree with pmlove

        Needs more of a hook in the logline.

      • ripleyy

        Agreed. Hate crime is an interesting take though, so I think if the story took place over a single *night* or *day*, then there is something to work with. Can’t, legally, officers hold a suspect for 24 or 72 hours? That can be the hook.

        My revised logline would be:

        “A sheriff has seventy-four hours to put a suspected killer away before he walks free, but the only witness is a traumatized woman who holds the truth”

        Not only is there urgency, but there’s a better hook – a sheriff has a day to interrogate a witness, who is too traumatized to speak the truth. The hate crime is secondary, but it’s definitely a story I would watch.

    • charliesb

      I like the idea of the “drama” between the psychologist and the Sheriff, but I don’t know if that needs to be in the logline.

      Still I’m intrigued, do you have a link?

      • Sebastian Cornet

        I can send you a sample in a PDF file. Got an email I can send it to?

        • charliesb

          birdieey at gmail

          thx

          • Sebastian Cornet

            You should have gotten an email from vetolgar@gmail.com

          • charliesb

            Gave what you sent a read. Even though your logline needs some work, I could sense there was something there. And there was!

            Your writing is clean and clear. I read through those first few pages in a flash. The murder of the cashier, the scene between Horne, Rockwell and Lyle all great stuff.

            A couple of nitpicky things. The dialogue between the cashier and Caleb made me feel like she knew him. Not sure if that was the case. I’d remove the flashback because I didn’t think it was necessary, and you should always keep the story moving forward. Also Rockwell’s back and forth on his wife was a little random, one minute he’s wondering if she still loves him, the next he’s saying he doesn’t want her on the case.

            Overall the dialogue is good, a few lines need a second or third pass to remove exposition, but overall it flows well and is believable.

            This reads like something I’d watch, like one of those small town British cop series or something for a Hollywood star not looking to be the old guy in a YA dystopia or superhero film.

            Now two big things I’d change (and of course you’re welcome to ignore me). I’d change the murders from hate crimes, to just horrible serial killer murders. People love serial killer stories, but hate crimes adds an ick factor that I think makes them less marketable.

            The second thing is Rachel’s relationship with Horne. Not only does it irk me that there seems to be a genuine lack of loyalty in film and television characters today (especially when it comes to other peoples spouses), you’re getting a little to close to giving Rockwell too much baggage. He’s already getting divorced, his father is in a coma, his brother-in law is POS with a record, now his partner is shtupping his ex-wife. This may not be something that’s easy to change, or something that you even want to change, but I’d have her screwing someone else (Paramedic, lawyer, teacher whatever) and put Horne back in Rockwell’s corner. People grow apart, and the reasons why can be interesting enough, don’t make Rachel hateful (and typical) by having her screwing his partner/friend just to get a rise out of him.

            I really like what you have going here, keep at it, and keep us posted.

            Good luck!

          • Sebastian Cornet

            I’m grateful you were able to get back to me so fast. I’ll send you more as soon as I’m done polishing a couple of things. I’m interested in your thoughts about the logline. Maybe you need to read more to figure out how you’d change it, but if you think you can tell me now, that’d be cool.

            I’ll give your thoughts a thought for sure and keep them handy. Thanks for the favor. If I can return it, let me know.

          • charliesb

            Ya, I think its hard to come up with a logline until I know how the script ends. Right now clearly the goal is stopping the killer, but I’m sure there are other layers to that goal that might feed into the logline. I wouldn’t worry too much about it till you’re finished with the script. Good luck with it!

  • Erica

    TITLE: Quest For The Kobblestone

    GENRE : Fantasy

    LOGLINE: A young Prince that has learned of his true destiny is reunited with some old friends as they set out on an adventure to save their friend who’s been kidnapped by the evil Thangorom over a prophecy that was written long ago, so begins The Quest For The Kobblestone.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ:
    I wrote this script back in 1996 with the intention of producing it myself. It’s a sequel to the orginal movie I did called “Kobblestone”. I tried to write the second one so you don’t have to know the first movie. This way you can enjoy the sequel. It’s seen a few draft rewrites but is still in a rough shape so I do apologies. I know it’s a long read, something that I sure could be trimmed down. I just would love to hear a little feedback on an old script.

    Currently I’m working on a new script but I feel it’s not ready to post yet.

    Enjoy.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/iooiu6t6rad2bfr/Quest_for_the_Kobblestone.pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      While searching for the fabled “Kobblestone”, a young prince and his friends must rescue one of their comrades from the evil Thangorom who wants the Kobblestone for himself.

      Same story, SLIGHTLY shorter. And with loglines, the shorter the better.

      • Erica

        I like it, wrote this one too quick today. Just got excited to post.

        May I use yours?

      • dawriter67

        Yeah this is better.

  • Sebastian Cornet

    The teaser makes me cringe (in a bad way, I have no idea what happened), and you still need a strong logline. I do like the idea of using vampires to tell a story about eating disorders, never heard that before and I see certain potential. A strong logline could do you a world of good.

  • dawriter67

    TITLE: The Empty Planet
    GENRE: Science Fiction/Isolation
    LOGLINE: An astronaut stranded on Mars must return to Earth to stop an alien invasion before it destroys humanity.

    Writing screenplays should always be a visual medium. What better
    way to exercise one’s visual skills by writing an isolation script.
    There have been a few isolation movies – Tom Hanks in Castaway, Sandra
    Bullock, George Clooney in “Gravity”, Will Smith in “I am Legend”, Duncan Jones’ “Moon” and Robert Redford’s “All Is Lost”

    i wanted to explore the same thing – isolation from humanity or the loss of humanity – thus the reason why I’m also a fan of The Walking Dead which resulted in a post apocalyptic world. I also strove to write what can be seen on the screen to help move the plot forward instead of having too much expository dialog that pushes the plot forward.

    Another point I wanted to work on was avoid the “side kick”. In some of of the early reviews I got, some people thought the hero needed a side kick. This was something I deliberately resisted because as writers – we are writing a screenplay with the hero, the goal and the stakes – why must we always comply with Hollywood to throw in a “sidekick”? Thus I stepped out of the box. I hope the drop isn’t too steep.

    When I wrote this – I knew it was going to be expensive – and too expensive to sell – I didn’t care – I just had fun writing this and letting my imagination go. Let’s see how this stands up with the Scriptshadow community.

    For those who want to read it, I can be reached at gjdevlin@gmail.com

    • Scott Crawford

      Two words: The Martian. Sorry.

      If you want to explore isolation, there are other places in the solar system that could do it. But Mars has been DONE.

      • dawriter67

        Scot – I. DON’T. CARE.

        • dawriter67

          And yes. That’s right, too.

          • Scott Crawford

            Troll?

          • dawriter67

            No – that was me – my comments got out of synch and it no longer made sense and I tried to remove it..apologies

          • Scott Crawford

            Forget it. F—ing Disqus, eh?!

        • Scott Crawford

          OK.

          Two more words: John Carter.
          Three more words: Mars Needs Moms.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_box_office_bombs

          The Martian has Sir Ridley Scott, Matt Damon, and millions of dollars behind it. I’ve no doubt this is not a rerun of The Martian, in the same way Bright Star Falling was not a rerun of Armageddon. But when Armageddon came out, BSF was cancelled.

          • dawriter67

            John Carter of Mars is not an isolation script in that sense. The Martian is about human survival. The first 30 pages of The Empty Planet takes place on Mars and rest on Earth – Earth is the empty planet.

            On a side note – John Carter flopped badly but I watched it…it was watchable and not as bad as I thought it was – I think it failed because if I had watched it in the theater I would have said to wait until it’s on HBO or something.

          • Scott Crawford

            OK, you need to make it clearer, because if I thought, The Martian, I tell ya, EVERYONE you show it too is gonna think The Martian:

            After a solo mission to Mars, an astronaut returns to Earth as the only man who can stop an alien invasion before it destroys humanity.

            On John Carter, the reason I bring it up is not to be mean; far from it, I think you seem like a smart guy based on this and your other logline. John Carter was originally called John Carter of Mars but they dropped of Mars after Mars Needs Moms flopped. Mars was once a forbidden subject in Hollywood, just a heads up.

          • dawriter67

            Oh you’re not being mean – I see your point yeah. Mars Needs Moms flopped badly..wow yeah. And that was Zemickis!

      • dawriter67

        Elements of the Martian are there and when I say “elements” – my story is vastly different from the book.

    • SinclareRose

      Hello again. Just a couple of questions. Why must your protag return to Earth to stop the invasion? Can s/he not do it from Mars or space? How does s/he know it’s an invasion?
      Hmmm, may have to check this one out to find out, right?

  • dawriter67

    TITLE: It’s a Long Way to Tipperary
    GENRE: Comedy
    TAGLINE: “Death was no laughing matter..until now”
    LOGLINE: When a wealthy Jewish man is buried in an Catholic cemetery in Ireland,
    he comes back from the dead as a zombie and forces a grave digger to carry him to
    Tipperary, USA before he decomposes and his soul ends up in hell (Sheol)

    Why should you read? Yeah it’s another zombie script albeit a comedy. So what? The markets full of zombie themed shows and movies – most serious. Time to inject something new.

    • Scott Crawford

      Perfect. Funny! No probs. Well, one: is it CRICTICAL that the Jewish man is wealthy? Maybe there’s a better way of putting it, like he’s an aristocratic Jewish man. Doesn’t bother me, but it’s clearly important to you if you put in the logline. Might not be a problem. Oh, and do Jewish people believe in “Hell”. Don’t know myself, and can’t be bothered to look it up with loglines coming in every few minutes!

      • dawriter67

        I could drop wealth yeah…as for Jews believing in hell – there is a version of “hell” they use called Sheol I think – I had to do some research into it when I wrote the script but they don’t believe in the “Christain Hell”..I could generalize it with “..his soul ends up in limbo…”?

        • Scott Crawford

          Stick with what you have researched is right. Like I said, nitpicking, it’s a perfectly fine logline.

    • Somersby

      I would suggest adding one word: body… as in When the body of a wealthy Jewish man… unless, of course, you are indicating that the man was buried alive. But I don’t think that’s what you’re going for, is it?

    • Erica

      I love this concept, sounds like something Nick Frost and Simon Pegg would star in.

    • SinclareRose

      Hi dawriter67. Was this an AO at one point? I could swear I’ve read this before.

      • dawriter67

        Yes but it was panned oh well. A lot of other folks loved it though.

  • murphologist

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/0i6jxd9m6o2b5ao/Hit_or_Nah.pdf

    Title: Hit or Nah

    Genre: Urban Ensemble Romantic Comedy

    Logline: A group of lifelong friends join a popular dating website for quick hook ups, but instead learn a lesson in maturity from the website’s founder, a professional matchmaker that’s losing her faith in love.

    Why you should read: This is the third screenplay I’ve posted on this week’s AOW, and I’ll admit, I’m congesting the comment section with my scripts. But I have thirty-five of these things that I’ve written, so can you blame me? This script was a challenge because I wanted to write an earnest entry into a genre I actively hate. I asked myself, “Why do I hate this genre? And what can I do to make it better in MY eyes?” This screenplay was the result.

    • Scott Crawford

      I like that logline. Long but clear. Look at yesterday’s post about #trending and change the genre to just romantic comedy or comedy drama. Or urban comedy or (possibly) ensemble comedy, although I always find that off-putting (No protagonist? Multiple storylines?).

      • murphologist

        I was definitely overwhelmed by the amount of characters I had to deal with. This was a script assignment and I didn’t want to cut any characters from the concept that was pitched to me. So my challenge was to give all these plotlines some kind of coherent thread, and I found that the way only way to attain that was through themes of maturity, love, responsibility, and letting go of the past.

    • Randy Williams

      Love the logline. Like the title too. Didn’t like the WYSR. Sell the script. It has voice. I read the first 30 pages and found it just what I’m in the mood for – to be entertained. I’m going to read more. I think, however, if it got on AOW, the scriptshadow crowd would bail early because of all the voice-over. Could you eliminate those pages in lieu of something else or shorten them or just start off with a literal “bang”?

      • murphologist

        Voiceover-phobia is one of the most prevalent issues facing modern screenwriting. People shy away from it because it’s perceived as amateurish, or lazy. And perhaps it is. However, when it’s utilized with insight, feeling, and style with minimal, or hidden exposition, the results can be magical. Especially if the character delivering it is unsympathetic on the surface. By entering an inherently irredeemable person’s mind, the audience gets first hand knowledge of that person’s reasoning, then subsequently attaches themselves unwittingly to that character. It’s one of the best things about movies in my opinion. I’m not saying that MY script uses voiceover for that purpose (that’s up to the reader to decide). What I am saying is that people shouldn’t be afraid of voiceover because of the bad reputation it’s gotten over the last decade.

  • Scott Crawford

    Ideas fine. Logline a little unwieldy. Maybe:

    While playing a video game based on the War of 1812, a young man and his father are zapped backed in time to the REAL Battle of Baltimore, where they must stop the boy’s maniacal British avatar from altering the course of US history.

    Shorter. I’m not an expert, but it’s shorter. Francis Scott Key? Put that great fact in the Why You Should Read, because it makes the logline too long. Also, who’s the protagonist – the boy or his dad. Sounds like the boy, but I’m not sure.

  • Caleb Yeaton

    This is a pretty awesome idea. I usually just come here to lurk like a creep and read the comments as opposed to contributing – I’m lazy. My work (California Dream) was featured on Amateur Friday a few months back, but I figured I’d toss another one out here.

    TITLE: Tinseltown, IL

    Genre: Action Comedy

    Logline: A pair of movie theater owners are targeted for assassination by the MPAA when they start running illegal repertory shows.

    WYSR: Because it’s an incredibly realistic take on modern Hollywood. No, not really. Because it does its own thing with the action comedy genre – by embracing every single cliche I could think of and putting a (hopefully) fresh spin on them. Think of it as Hot Fuzz meets Clerks meets Tarantino, with a side of meta humor and cartoonish violence.

    Side Note: This script has been featured for a long time on Trigger Street. That is a much, much older draft, and it has since been revised to…

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/oga2b3483a5xfrg/Tinseltown%2C%20IL%20(5th).pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ll buy the MPAA hiring an assassin, but what’s an illegal repertory show? It may be a comedy, but it still has to bear SOME resemblance to reality.

      • Caleb Yeaton

        It’s basically a rerun show. The characters show movies without paying the MPAA their dues, which, as outlined in general copyright law which prohibits public performances for profit with copyrighted works, is illegal – yeah, this has the MPAA taking it to an extreme (that’s part of the joke in the script), but I actually did some research to make sure they were actually breaking a law.

        • Scott Crawford

          That makes sense, given all the piracy and night-vision goggles. I would it more clear.

          A pair of movie theater owners become the target of a hitman when they start showing classic movies without paying the MPAA their dues.

          Something like that, but better. I just wrote that quick.

          • Caleb Yeaton

            Point taken, but there are multiple hitters in there, so I couldn’t just go with “a hitman”. I’m still working on it, and I’ll mess around with the clean one you supplied and see what I come up with once my coffee kicks in over here. Thanks, Scott.

          • Scott Crawford

            Assassins
            Professional assassins
            Contract killers
            Hired killers
            Mercenaries
            Professional mercenaries
            Ruthless assassins
            Ninja assassins
            Sniper with a night-vision scope (he shoots people illegally recording movies on their iPhones)

            Sorry, missed your original point and thought you wanted alternative names for “hitman”. I just pluralized all my suggestions, except the last one.

    • For The Lulz

      Hot Fuzz meets Clerks meets Tarantino…….yeah, I’m sold.

      Like the potential, but still….the MPAA is assassinating people! Just a little extreme.

      • Caleb Yeaton

        Thanks for the props there. I’d classify this more as “Extreme Farce” if that was actually a genre, but Carson made it pretty clear that there’s a set number of genres we should use and nobody’s gonna take us seriously if we fart out genres that don’t exist.

        • For The Lulz

          As a thanks for supplying a kick ass logline that I’ve borrowed (Stolen), I’ll give your script a read.

          Bit busy right now, but I’ll get to it, so watch this space.

          • For The Lulz

            Read the first 63 pages. Not gonna have time to finish it today so I figured I’d comment on what I’ve read so far. If it gets to AOW I’ll finish the rest, and I think you should try, because this deserves an AOW spot.

            Definitely getting an indie vibe here. Clerks is coming through. I like the set up of the theatre and the employees in it. Although it was a task to keep track of so many characters at first, they do stand apart, so eventually this isn’t an issue.

            The opening was brilliant. Honestly didn’t see it coming. Trina is a great character and antagonistic force. Her knowledge of cinema as a trait to match up with Bobby’s is a little convenient, but it serves the plot well, especially when the two meet. The knowledge game they play when she’s deciding whether or not to kill him was well done and had tension. I’ve never seen a character like this before, bet an actress would love to play her. The anticipation of her meeting Bobby and Clive is a strong motivator to keep turning pages.

            Not sure if there’s enough in Bobby and Clive’s friendship to justify their ‘best friend’ status. Clive is clearly taking Bobby for granted, but he needs some more redeeming qualities early on. Seeing him screw Bobby’s crush and withholding information about the owed money needs to be balanced with something positive so that we care about this friendship. When Clive does eventually show some concern, it seems a bit false and inconsistent, going on his earlier behavior. Just a few hints that he cares would justify his going to Bobby’s apartment later.

            Bobby has a great thing going with his love of movies, etc….but I think he needs something else too. He seems a bit hollow for a protagonist, like there’s nothing else to him if you take the movie love away. He needs something to make him more proactive and to give him some immediate personal stakes/something he risks losing. Like Clive has with the loan shark; he risks losing his member. Maybe if the theater doesn’t start making money, Bobby will have to sell his movies or priceless collectibles to keep paying for his apartment or something. I’m just offering that off the top of my head. But some more risk would make us more invested in the character.

            Minor typo on pg 31 – ”For” meant to be ”Forks” I assume

            All this said, there’s a charm in this script and definite potential. With some work, I can see myself watching it if it got made, and thinking there won’t be another movie like this for a while. It would be a worthy offering on AOW and with some tweaks could make an entertaining movie. I might read on if I find time tomorrow, but at the very least, these are my two cents on what I’ve read so far.

            NOTE: I got the Clerks and Tarantino in the script, but where was the Hot Fuzz? Is there a prolonged shootout in the cinema at the end?

          • brittany

            Great notes. But, dude. Keep reading. The ending is fuckin’ EPIC. It’s a movie lover’s wet dream.

          • For The Lulz

            Yeah, I’ll try to finish it tomorrow, It’s definitely earned a full read. But I gotta scoot now, and I wanted to make sure I got some notes down here while it’s still fresh in my head.

          • Caleb Yeaton

            Thanks for the feedback! Good call on making it clear the Clive cares a little more. I really enjoy writing smarmy, douchey characters, so I kind of get carried away sometimes. I’m trying to figure out something to make Robby a little more interesting, too – just haven’t sat down to revise this in a little while, but I agree he needs something more. It’s going on my plot board right now, actually.

            The Hot Fuzz thing was more because of the ending, which goes ballistic – kind of how that whole movie was an Agatha Christie story that turned into Bad Boys / Lethal Weapon in the last act?

          • For The Lulz

            Ah, man. Just finished reading the rest. NOW I get the Hot Fuzz reference. Like Brittany said, the ending is fuckin’ epic!

            Takes a while to get there but it’s worth it when you do. I was laughing out loud at moments, especially the Mexican Standoff.

            All the numerous different players are well served in the theater shootout, and there wasn’t any confusion, so you laid it out clearly on the page. Impressive with so much going on.

            Use of movie references and music was very well done and really adds atmosphere. Makes it a far more original and interesting shootout compared to most that are out there.

            Liked Victor and Tom’s characters. Tom’s a f***ing boss! I couldn’t wait for him to die!

            Only small nitpick I would have is that the final shootout perhaps doesn’t do as much justice to the loan shark guys compared to the Hollywood guys. The loan shark guys should clash more with Victor and Tom in competing to kill Bobby and Clive. They bow out a little too easily. Also the other characters in Nelson, Ella and Maggie could be used a bit more in the shootout to justify their presence earlier in the script. I get that Ella is supposed to be ‘characterless’ in a way, but maybe use that to some degree. For example, Tom could point the gun at Ella’s head and say ‘Who the hell are you?’ and she could say ‘I’m just an annoying employee in the b.g! A nobody! You don’t have to shoot me!’ and Tom says ‘You mad, you slag! Now I DEFINITELY have to shoot you!”

            Other than that, the last act is great.

            You might want to be mindful of readers that wouldn’t have the patience to stick around long though. It’s an amazing finale, but will enough people get to it?

            I’d work on the first 2/3s of the script and try and bring in some more action revolving around the theater there, obviously not too much, as you still want the ending to be effective in it’s over-the-top violence. Maybe put in some comedic assassination near misses or have the MPAA doing some secret scouting work to gather evidence of the illegal activity, but then have the MPAAs assassins kill the MPAA scout guys by mistake. A bit of action and some comedy, may spruce up the first 2/3ds which is setting up for the big finale 3rd act, but feels a little too obvious in that regard. Disguise it with some action/comedy.

            Still, this is good enough to deserve an AOW spot, no question.

            It’s a blast! (No pun intended…..okay, there is pun intended.)

          • Caleb Yeaton

            Thanks for that, and I salute you for rolling through the whole thing. Pacing has always been an issue for me with this script – I’ve whittled it way, way down from what I put up on Trigger Street and Amazon. And I added your note on integrating the loan sharks and other employees into the gunfight a little more to my board – I think that same thing whenever I re-read this, but nobody has ever mentioned it before, so I wasn’t sure. Done and done.

            I’ll take another glance to figure out where I can squeeze more violence in as well – I figure the crazy MPAA dude needs a little more to do, plus I really enjoy writing his lines, so…

            Thanks for sticking with it, FTL! I’ll keep an eye out for your work on here and return the favor – let me know if you’ve got anything posted about the webs that you’d like me to take a look at.

          • For The Lulz

            Glad to be of help.

            I’ve gotten some useful feedback from here, so I’m glad I was able to offer some of my own.

            If you read any of ”The Henchmen”, let me know your thoughts on it.

            Good luck with the re-writes. (To us all, lol)

  • dawriter67

    I’m a sucker for time travel yarns so this would go on my reading list.

  • Scott Crawford

    A woman (please be more specific – social worker, archaeologist, spelunker, etc.) discovers a deep-rooted conspiracy involving a secret society of underground people who believe mankind was destroyed many years ago.

    It’s difficult. There have been plenty of stories about people predicting the end of the world, and plenty of stories ABOUT the end of the world, but none about people who think the world has ended when it hasn’t. And there may be a reason for that. It’s a bit confusing.

    • charliesb

      Poltergeist 2. Though really that was more of a side plot.

    • Rjlm

      Not sure where my comment disappeared to but I’ll write it again.

      A “woman” is rather generic yes. “Local History PhD candidate” would be more accurate. I’ll probably change that. Thanks.

      Also on your second note, that was my point, that I haven’t seen such a story before, which is why I wanted to write it. Imagine it like a prison where the people inside haven’t seen the outside world for generations, and whatever information they receive of it, is always through a corrupt ruling body, who the people believe to be their savior.

      Anyone who wish to read?

  • For The Lulz

    I’m gonna be cheeky and put up a second logline. Figure I should be judged more on loglines so I can improve them.

    Title: I’m With Cupid
    Genre: Romantic Comedy

    Logline: When a loner’s future wife is hitched to another man by an incompetent Cupid, he’s forced to work with Cupid to save his only chance for happiness.

    WYSR: The script got to the QF of PAGE this year and got an 8 from an industry professional on the BL. I like to think this is an original take on a tired genre.

    • dawriter67

      I had to read the logline twice to get the idea. Maybe this will work?

      When the woman of his dreams is hitched to another man by an incompetent
      Cupid, a desperate romantic is forced to work with Cupid to save his only chance at
      happiness.

      Either way the idea is charming and congrats on the scores and placement.

      • For The Lulz

        Yeah, that’s good, man! I’m pretty terrible at loglines. Going to work on them some more in the future.

        Yours and Caleb’s are great!

    • Scott Crawford

      How does the loner know she is his future wife – has it been prophesied by Cupid?

      I remember Kurtzman & Orci wrote a Cupid story as an early screenplay, then threw it away (they hadn’t outlined it first). Bit of trivia.

      • For The Lulz

        CANT. PUT. EVERYTHING. IN. A. LOGLINE.

        It’s a LOGLINE. Not an OUTLINE.

        BTW, where is YOUR logline?

        • Scott Crawford

          Love-Struck

          Logline: A young woman feels that she doesn’t believe in love. So Venus, the Goddess of Love, sends her son, Cupid to restore her faith in love but instead gets hit with his own arrow and falls in love with her instead. So, he has a limited amount of time to woo her and decide if he wishes to leave his immortal form and become a regular man. And spend what little time he has with her.

          http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119580/?ref_=ttpl_pl_tt

          • For The Lulz

            Great one sentence logline there. Glad to see you taking your own advice.

            Good thing this was a TV movie from 1997. Otherwise, I’d be worried.

          • Scott Crawford

            I hope your scripts are as funny as your comebacks. ‘Cause you don’t like criticism.

          • For The Lulz

            Erm…..I wasn’t joking. I’d be worried if a movie with a similarish concept had come out recently. But 1997 is enough of a gap and this isn’t planned as a TV movie.

            Jeez. You have issues.

          • Scott Crawford

            Not as much as you. I’ve commented on LOTS of loglines today, and you’re the only one who OBJECTS. Like I said, good luck with that attitude. Now on to the next logline!

          • For The Lulz

            Haha. Alright, dude. That works for me.

    • Caleb Yeaton

      I’m assuming he teams with the same Cupid who fouls things up here, so take this with a grain of salt if I missed something. Anyway, my suggestion for the logline: “A loner must team up with the incompetent Cupid who hitched his future wife to another man, in order to set things right and save his future happiness”.

      • For The Lulz

        That’s great, man!

        No, you got it spot on. That’s logline is much better!

    • Midnight Luck

      People have been giving you adjustments to your logline, however, I think you need to tweak the order of things.

      How this sentence is written, the reader is left unsure who and what is being referenced. And which character is attached to the other.

      So “A loner must team up with the incompetent Cupid who hitched **his** future wife to another man” becomes messy. So who are you referring to as “HIS”? The LONER or the CUPID character? And the use of FUTURE WIFE also creates a confusing sentence and what is actually meant by it. Who’s wife? and when and what is this Future you are talking about? Then, this same Future wife, is now being married off to ANOTHER MAN? So there is another character who is presumably marrying this Woman?
      I know what you are trying to say, and what you think you mean. The problem is, it just makes the reading and the understanding jumbled, difficult and unclear. All of which work heavily against you in a logline, where short and concise are what matter utmost.

      Sorry, this may seem nitpicking, but the structure of the whole sentence and the placement of the people and parts should be reworked for clarity.

      • For The Lulz

        Yeah. You’re right. It is a bit confusing, funnily enough, it’s better than my original logline. I’m terrible at writing them, so I got to work on it in the future.

        I used ‘future wife’ because if I just said wife, then it may have been even more confusing, People may have thought the main character was already married and his wife was being hitched to marry another guy with would definitely make no sense.

        I might try this one:

        ”An unlucky-in-love loner is forced to team up with an incompetent Cupid after his future wife is mistakenly hitched to another man.

  • klmn

    Intriguing premise. Downloading it now.

  • Caleb Yeaton

    I’ve read this and it’s pretty awesome. The ending alone makes the whole thing worthwhile, even if it gets a little unsettling in parts. And it’s about time someone used the name Early for a character who wasn’t an epic, Deliverance-style hillbilly with rape teeth and a lazy eye.

    Also, it’s a fast read.

  • Montana Gillis

    Title: SILVER ARROWS
    Genre: Horror
    Logline: “A young woman’s desire for a normal family gets overrun by Werewolves.”

    Why you should read:
    SILVER ARROWS is an action packed, cinematic tale of changing values in America during turbulent times. A fresh take on the Werewolf legend as experienced by a rural family in the northern Rockies.
    Can war turn a man into a monster? What happens when he returns?

    After six years of script-writing, SILVER ARROWS is my best work. I hope you enjoy it.

    Personal:
    I spent three years in the Marine Corps and was born in the script’s locale.

    Giving you the Experience Without the Risk,

    Montana Gillis
    Montana.gillis@gmail.com

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/tnecvueu8418cft/SILVER_ARROWS.pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      These are the THREE ideas in your logline:

      A young woman – Vague
      Desire for a normal family – Vague
      Werewolves – Generic

      Strange thing is, the title, your backstory, I think you can do better.

      In the northern Rockies, a young mother defending her family realizes that a pack of hungry werewolves are no match for military training and a quiver full of silver arrows.

      Something like that, but better. I’m trying to comment on as many loglines as possible, so it’s not all going to be gold. But… silver arrows, northern Rockies, military background, these are your HOOKS and the need to be in YOUR logline.

      • Montana Gillis

        Good thoughts Scott. Thanks — I’ve edited it with a second effort.

    • SinclareRose

      Hi Montana. I must have missed your first logline – the one that explains that there are werewolves in your script. I don’t get that from: War can turn a man into a monster… What happens to his family when he comes home?
      This makes it sound like he’s got some serious PTSD issues and he’s going to take it out on his family by beating them.
      I understand that you’re trying to be more literal, but this one sounds more like the tag line on the poster super’d over a picture of a werewolf.

      • Montana Gillis

        Hi Sinclare, the first one was … “A young woman’s desire for a normal family gets overrun by Werewolves.” It’s her story. how she deals with a returning husband bitten by a werewolf while in battle and the subsequent child conceived during a full moon. Your advice is welcome!

        • SinclareRose

          A young woman’s desire for a normal family gets overrun by werewolves when her husband returns from war, a changed man.
          Just kind of combined the two you worked on. The comma is in there for effect and to accentuate the irony. It’s well-known that war changes a person, and so does morphing into a werewolf.
          Hope that helped a bit.
          If you’re willing, it’d be great if you could navigate your way to mine and take a crack at it.
          (Not sure, but I don’t think werewolf would be capitalized.)

          • Montana Gillis

            Send it over with a link to your script (or pdf) to Montana dot gillis at gmail dot com. i will give it a go. ( you’re right, “werewolf” would not be capitalized, i was going for more of a visual effect to focus attention on the word. Looking forward to getting your logline and script.

        • charliesb

          “how she deals with a returning husband bitten by a werewolf while in battle and the subsequent child conceived during a full moon.”

          This is what needs to be in your log line. Yours are too vague.

          Is she happy when she finds out she’s pregnant and then later horrified when she realizes her husband is a werewolf?

          How does she react? Does she calmly add a cage and chew toys to the baby registry? Or is she freaking out?

          “A woman is horrified to find out she’s pregnant when her husband’s PTSD starts to include scratching behind the ears and baying at the moon.”

          Obviously not that, because it’s flippant, and doesn’t convey the tone. But that’s the kind of information that should be there.

          Good luck! I will give this one a look.

          • Montana Gillis

            That example may be flippant – but it’s funny as hell! Thanks for the laugh! Great feedback, i appreciate you and your time/efforts.
            I’m still trying…

            “Wounded by a werewolf bite, a soldier returns home and makes love to his wife as a full moon rises.”

    • Poe_Serling

      Hey Montana-

      I really like how you took your inspiration from The Wolf Man and created a new tale set during the Vietnam War era. All good stuff in my opinion.

      Also, I dig the knowing nods to Larry Talbot and the use of the famous Maleva quote.

      Hope you score an AF slot in the future for this project!!!!

      • Montana Gillis

        Thanks Poe, You Rock!

        • Montana Gillis

          “After her wounded veteran returns , a young wife entices him to make love just as the full moon rises and discovers his wound was from a werewolf!”
          A better effort IMHO…

  • J-A

    Title: A Hand’s Reach

    Genre: Drama

    Logline: A bright, crack-dealing seventeen year-old with university
    scholarships decides to build a better life for his orphaned younger
    sisters, but first he must carry out one final deal with his supplier
    while a relentless detective pursues him.

    You call them thugs, I call them have-nots. I adamantly
    believe it’s necessary that characters such as the protagonist (although
    rare) have their voice heard, no matter the decisions they make in
    life, right or wrong.

    Or maybe I’m just biased because the script hits close to home. That’s why I leave the rest to you.

    • Scott Crawford

      The idea’s there, but the logline is unwieldy (almost ALL loglines are!).

      Days before attending university on a scholarship, and with the threat of eviction hanging over his younger sisters, a 17 year-old former crack dealer is sucked back into a life of crime, even though a relentless detective is only one step behind him.

      It’s not shorter, but it’s a LITTLE sharper, at least I think. I’m just an amatuer, but that’s how I’d do it.

      • J-A

        That changes the whole story. Three of the points in your logline drastically changes different aspects of it. Appreciate the concern though.

        • Scott Crawford

          These are just MY ideas based on YOUR logline. Not read the script. Not read ANY of these scripts today. Just reviewing the loglines, hopefully from an objective point of view.

    • Linkthis83

      Is he planning on attending college while simultaneously building a better life for his orphaned, younger sisters? Or is he choosing to better their lives by sacrificing is opportunity to go to school?

      • J-A

        The former.

        • Scott Crawford

          I think the “one final deal” tells the reader that. I think it’s pretty clear.

          • Linkthis83

            Well, it was unclear to me HOW the 17 year old was going to make their lives better when it states “but first he must carry out one final deal”. To me, this states that he can’t make their lives better until he finishes this deal – and I was uncertain HOW he could make their lives better if he is going to college. I’m glad you got all of that cleared up. It was obvious by your take on this logline :)

          • Paul Clarke

            To me it would make more sense and be a lot more concise if he didn’t have a scholarship but needed to complete one big drug deal to get into University.

            If he already has a scholarship but is risking it by drug dealing I empathize with him less. Make him more desperate. The stakes are therefore intrinsic.

        • Linkthis83

          I asked because I’m thinking the logline has too many details. So I’m trying to figure out what the core story is, or at least a way to highlight the hook. To me, the hook is a 17 year old crack dealer with scholarships – but if he’s going to make the lives of his orphaned sisters better, HOW is he going to do that? By this one last deal or university? The scholarship stuff seems to exist to show “how bright” the kid is. To you, what’s the hook in here that will make people want to read? — If you don’t want to discuss this, just let me know and I will let it go :)

          • J-A

            His intention is to make the lives of his sisters better by a) leaving the drug trade and b) gaining custody of them

            The scholarships emphasize his willingness to leave a very lucrative, yet dangerous lifestyle. On paper, attending school will show those who are responsible of releasing his sisters to him that by face he is a legitimately good person.

            The one last deal with the detective pursuing him just makes the final chapter of this lifestyle a very difficult one. Another obstacle thrown at him in an already high-risk way of living.

            A 17 year old crack dealer who even attends high school full-time, let alone has academic scholarships is tremendously rare.. This, along with the aforementioned details, in my respectful opinion, lead to an interesting story.

          • Linkthis83

            I completely agree that there’s an interesting story here based on these elements. I was hoping to help brainstorm a logline that would assist in gaining that interest.

            For me, the current one isn’t working. Since I was unclear on some stuff, I wanted to ask first. I don’t like assuming I know something about someone else’s work.

    • ripleyy

      Revised logline:

      “A drug-dealing teenager, trying to make a better life for his younger siblings, is relentlessly pursued by a detective as he carries out one last deal”

      The university thing can come later, in the script, but the reality is there: a teenager (telling us he’s not an adult) is forced to become one, through criminal ways, to make a better life for his younger siblings – this makes us instantly care for him, as he seems like an underdog, especially when the detective is thrown in there and the “one last deal” is the story.

  • Caleb Yeaton

    Yeah, I can see Colin O’Brien coming up with something way, way, way better than “Jim Parsons pooped his pants in an elevator! Isn’t that funny?”

  • Eric

    Looks everyone’s taking a crack at this, so why not me…

    TITLE: Secret Admirer

    GENRE: Horror/Thriller

    LOGLINE: In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a teenager girl deals with personal trauma, public humiliation and a masked psychopath known only as… her Secret Admirer.

    WYSR: A slasher movie with ambition. Think SCREAM meets AMERICAN GRAFFITI, with a little of MAD MEN’s sensibility thrown in. What started out as a casual observation about the inherent creepiness of 50s love songs, turned into a full-fledged transposing of slasher movie conventions and themes into an early 60s setting. The goal? A straight forward examination of the “conservative moral values” slasher movies are often accused of having… and to drench a Malt Shop in blood.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ve done the same to lots of loglines today, I think it’s a good trick so don’t take it personal:

      1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis – Original, but what’s it got to do with the rest?
      A teenage girl – Generic but OK
      Personal trauma – What?
      Public humiliation – What?
      Masked psychopath known only as… her Secret Admirer – Generic

      I’m sure the script’s great, but MAYBE you’re hoping that people will read the script even if they don’t dig the logline. I’m not sure they will. It’s Valentine meets Matinee but even odder.

      • Eric

        I think the problem I’ve had every time I think about this logline is, I have to figure out a way to make it more active. The problem is, the Final Girl in slasher movies is almost never active until near the end. Try to write a logline for Halloween from Laurie Strode’s perspective. It’s hard since she isn’t even aware of the problem until Act 3 of the movie.

        Even Sidney Prescott in Scream isn’t really in the game until her boyfriend is “killed” and that’s about 20 minutes past the half-way point.

        I don’t think the concept is as odd as it sounds. We’ve had 80s slashers, 90s slashers, 00s slashers. What’s so odd about simply going backward instead of forward? I was actually kind of shocked that it’s never been done before. It seems so simple to just transpose a slasher movie onto a different era of teen culture. It’s also a nice way to examine what makes this genre tick without being self-referential.

        • Scott Crawford

          I think you’re right to make the lead character better in movies like this. I think that could be put across – you know, this story is Halloween told from Laurie Strode’s point of view.

          In all these comments I’m making, and I’m trying to make a comment on most of these loglines, I’m trying to see if these loglines alone would pass muster in the workplace.

          Set against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis, while the rest of the world fears nuclear war, a teenage girl is stalked by a mystery psychopath calling himself “The Secret Admirer”.

          Bit long, but I could imagine that logline on The Black List. It has that feel about it. Unless the public humilation and private trauma are critical to the logline, I’d leave them out. But that’s just me.

          • Eric

            Thanks :) That’s a huge step in the right direction. Maybe even the whole journey, I’ll mull it over. While the trauma bit is certainly important to the character’s journey, it’s not so much important to the logline.

        • Nate

          ”I don’t think the concept is as odd as it sounds. We’ve had 80s slashers, 90s slashers, 00s slashers. What’s so odd about simply going backward instead of forward?”
          I don’t think it sounds odd. I like the idea of setting a slasher in the 60s, but Cuban Missile Crisis is very specific and feels very out of place in a teen slasher. It seems like it’s there to get people to read the script, just to see if it has any impact on the story. If you include it in the logline then it has to be a part of the story. Unfortunately, I don’t see what the Cuban Missile Crisis and a teenage girl getting stalked by a secret admirer have to do with one another.
          You either need to drop the Cuban Missile Crisis from the logline (especially if it has no bearing on the story) or change the story to fit around the Cuban Missile Crisis, depending on what you wanna do.
          ”As a small town in Florida is terrorised by a serial killer, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a damaged teenage girl must join forces with her neighbour – a Russian spy – to find and stop the killer”
          That’s just one idea you can use if you wanted to keep the setting.

          • Eric

            It definitely has an effect on the story. In the beginning it just adds a sense of dread to the build up as everyone ironically worries about whether or not they’re going to die. At the mid way point, the air raid siren starts malfunctioning, scaring the characters into believing the bomb is going to drop.

            For the logline, I probably should just leave it 1962 and let the Cuban Missile Crisis come as a surprise.

          • Nate

            I don’t know. After giving it some thought, I like the idea of setting a horror during the Cuban Missile Crisis because like Scott says it’s original, but generic (masked psychopath). I think there needs to be more to it than what you’re describing. At the moment, going off the logline, it feels like the script could be set anywhere else and the story would be the same. The CMC angle feels unnecessary. For it to work, it really needs to impact the story in a major way. It needs to be the driving force.
            Personally, I’d keep the Cuban Missile Crisis, because at the moment, that’s your hook, I’d read it for that reason alone. However, I’d ditch the secret admirer angle.
            So if it was me, I’d completely re-work the story. Here’s what I’d do.
            ”During the Cuban Missile Crisis, a damaged teenage girl and a disillusioned Russian spy, must stop an American serial killer with pro-Russian sympathies from sparking a nuclear war”
            I haven’t put too much thought into it, but perhaps the serial killer could be the story’s version of Lee Harvey Oswald. He’s grown tired of America and would rather see Russia become the dominant superpower, so he plans to spark a nuclear war between both countries. But the girl and Russian spy don’t want that.
            I know it sounds more like an action film now, but you could probably find a way to make it work as a horror. It’s your script, it’s up to you to work out the details.
            As it is now, it doesn’t quite work. Like I said, the CMC angle is your hook and you should keep that, but you need to figure out a way to properly connect it to your main story which is the teenage girl vs the serial killer.
            I think you’ve got a good concept and whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.

          • Eric

            I don’t think the characters have to have a direct effect on the Crisis for it to have a direct effect on them. Part of what I like about horror is it works best when the characters are powerless and vulnerable. And what’s more powerless than watching the world collapse into chaos while there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

            For me the Cuban Missile Crisis is part of the larger 1962 setting. That late 50s / early 60s setting is what came to me earliest and I decided it would be cool to have some historical event framing the action. The Cuban Missile Crisis seemed interesting because it was a time when basically EVERYONE was worried they were going to die. It also occurred just before Halloween, which allowed me to play with some other things. The more I thought through the story, the more I found ways to incorporate it.

            But the world of 1962 (the cars, the music, the hangouts, the social mores), that’s the stuff I’m shoving into my horror blender. The Cuban Missile Crisis, and the way it becomes a greater and greater encroachment on that world, is just another ingredient in the soup.

          • charliesb

            I’m reminded of the movie “Summer of Sam” where they kept mentioning that it was a really hot summer, they also focused on the changes going on in the city because of the time (67’?) and how this one neighbourhood was affected by Berkowitz.

            I like the idea of setting your horror during the Cuban missile crisis, but you need to find away to connect these ideas in your logline. How does what your characters feel about the crisis affect their reactions to what’s going on around them? However it is that you deal with this in the script should inform your logline.

            Here is a link to the Summer of Sam trailer for inspiration.

          • Eric

            Thanks for the video. I saw this so long ago, I had to read a synopsis online to remind myself of how it played out. I can see how they used the event to shape the tensions already inherent those characters.

            I think part of my problem is that repression is a major theme of the script. For the first half the crisis is there, but people try to go about their day and pretend they’re prepared (Duck and Cover). It isn’t until the midpoint that people are slapped awake to the reality of it all.

            Combine that with the fact that, underneath all the structure and plot mechanics the story’s really about sexual repression, and coaxing a simple ‘hooky’ logline out of the seemingly disparate elements becomes quite a chore.

    • klmn

      Period scripts are a red flag for readers. (I’ve written one). If you could make it present day it might be more marketable.

      • Eric

        It would probably be easier to start from scratch if I chose to write a modern day slasher. I’ve thought about that too. The good thing about slasher scripts is their budgets are suppose to be extremely low, but I’ve sorta torpedoed that. I suspect I’d need at least a Scream sized budget and even that would take a bit of reworking. For example, crashing a 1951 Ford Country Squire into a ditch would probably be ten times cheaper to do with CGI than the actual car.

    • Sullivan

      “Deals with” seems wimpy. Confronts? Struggles with? Battles? Anything more active.

      • Eric

        All good suggestions. Thank you.

  • GoIrish

    Title: The Frostback
    Genre: Comedy
    Logline: Ostracized in his own country, a Canadian pursues his dream of becoming an American citizen while facing the challenges of surviving in Boston, MA as an illegal immigrant.
    WYSR: You enjoy satire about immigration.

    • Scott Crawford

      OK, subject’s a little deep for a lot of people, so I think you’re gonna have to sell the story more to get people to read the script:

      Ostracized in his own country – Why?
      A Canadian – Vague
      Pursues his dream of becoming an American citizen – Reasonable enough dream
      The challenges of surviving in Boston, MA – What? Be specific
      An illegal immigrant – Why didn’t he come over legally?

      Telling us it’s a satire is not enough, I’m afraid. It needs more of a hook, more IRONY.

      What does the title mean? If it means something you may have to tell us, ’cause it sounds like a horror film/

      • GoIrish

        Thanks for the feedback. The WYSR was a little tongue in cheek. The title is a play on the term “wetback.”

        • Scott Crawford

          “Frost”- back – get it! Best of luck with the script.

    • Sullivan

      Well it’s unique in that you have a Canadian whose dream is to become an American. I never heard of that. Ever. :)

      • GoIrish

        Ha! While probably true, I thought it might appeal to at least one of the Canadian actors who has migrated to Hollywood.

    • SinclareRose

      Hello Golrish. Sounds interesting, but if I hadn’t read the genre I wouldn’t know it was a comedy. It also sounds like a period piece. I was thinking Far and Away.
      Maybe add three words?

      Ostracized in his own country, a Canadian FINALLY pursues his dream of becoming an American citizen while facing the challenges of surviving in MODERN-DAY Boston, MA as an illegal immigrant.

      • GoIrish

        Thanks for the suggestion. It’s definitely not a period piece, so good to know I need to clarify that. I’d be curious if you think this is any better:

        When the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation decides to pursue a documentary marking the 20th anniversary of an accidental flag-burning during the Olympics, the object of national scorn finally flees the country, but can he learn to navigate the streets of Boston as an illegal immigrant and achieve his dream of becoming an American citizen?

        • SinclareRose

          Now you’re getting into the story!

          Followed it until after the first comma when “the object of national scorn” could refer to the burned flag. Object doesn’t work here. Try an adjective that describes your protag and his fault. The wrongly accused? But something better than that! I don’t know if “finally” would work here unless you moved the last part of the sentence nearer to it.

          When the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation decides to pursue a documentary marking the 20th anniversary of an accidental flag-burning during the Olympics, the wrongly accused is finally able to flee the country and achieve his dream of becoming an American citizen, but can he learn to navigate the streets of Boston as an illegal immigrant.
          I probably butchered it even more, but I like how you told us more of what to expect.
          Feel free to check out mine if you have a few minutes. Untitled Transporter Project. ;)

          • GoIrish

            Thanks again. I wasn’t really a fan of “object of scorn” as the subject of the sentence either. Maybe the “former torch-bearer, who has since become an object of scorn…” But then it’s becoming a mouthful. I’ll still tinker with it, but thank you for reviewing.
            I’ll check out your script and logline and try to give you some notes tonight or tomorrow.

        • charliesb

          I was wondering why was he ostracized. I think that should be in there.

          Also I’m not sure if they’s plays into the script. But I’d think American’s would have a bigger problem with burning a flag, than Canadians. Is this something he’s trying to keep on the low down while in Boston?

          • GoIrish

            Thanks for taking a look. I’m not certain how Canadians react to flag burnings, but I would assume people from most countries do not look upon it too favorably…and since it takes place on the international stage (the Olympics) and it is a comedy with a little bit of an absurdist element to it, I decided these Canadians were going to hold a little bit of a grudge. I did some research on sources of pride for Canadians, and the flag made the top 3 (at least according to one poll). The main character doesn’t reveal the flag burning in America primarily because he’s trying to pass himself off as American. The flag burning isn’t a dominant storyline once in America, but it does come back to haunt the main character.

  • Montana Gillis

    Read the first 10. Very Good. Definitely deserves a shot at AF.

  • 7HB7

    Title: A Time to Die

    Genre: Crime-Thriller

    Logline: After his wife cheats on him, a down-on-his-luck man becomes entangled in a criminal showdown over a mobster’s fortune.

    WYSR: It’s lean, sparse, and in my bias opinion, exciting.

    Script link: https://www.sendspace.com/file/t3no3x

    • Scott Crawford

      I’m doing this most loglines:

      Wife cheats on him – OK, but doesn’t connect with the rest
      Down-on-his-luck – Why?
      Man – Vague
      Becomes entangled – How?
      Criminal showdown – Expand
      Mobster’s fortune – What’s this go to do with the man?

      What I’m saying is, if there’s something original in this script, it’s NOT in the logline. You need more of a HOOK to get people to want to download your script:

      After his wife cheats on him, a petty criminal mugs a motorcycle courier for his bag, not realizing he is carrying $100 million in bearer bonds for the mob.

      After losing his life savings in a 419 scam, a used car salesman discovers the location of a dead mobster’s missing billions, but the dead man’s sons are determined to beat him to it.

      These are not your ideas I’m guessing, but they ARE more specific, and that I feel is key.

      • 7HB7

        Great points, man. I appreciate you taking the time. As I’m sure you can tell, log lines aren’t my strong suit. I’m trying to improve though.

        How about this: After his wife cheats on him, a man hooks up with a prostitute, unaware their motel room will become the battle ground for a mobster’s fortune.

        • Scott Crawford

          Much better, much more SPECIFIC. Sounds dark too. Great.

    • charliesb

      motel room will become the battle ground for a mobster’s fortune

      Needs clarification IMO.

      As Scott Crawford said in someone else’s thread “don’t fear the spoilers*”

      *Should be every writers mantra.

  • Craig Mack

    Title: A Fork in the Road

    Genre: Horror

    Logline: A Mormon on a mission unwittingly unleashes Hell on earth when he picks up a set of cursed silverware from the highway.

    WYSR:

    • Scott Crawford

      First logline today to make me LAUGH OUT LOUD! Hoping that was the intention!

      Can’t really fault it unless – nitpick! – what’s his mission?

      A Mormon tow-truck driver (or whatever) unwittingly unleashes Hell on earth when he picks up a set of cursed silverware from the highway.

      That’s about the only thing I might change.

      • Craig Mack

        A ‘mission’ is something Mormon’s do…. but yes, it was meant to lighten the mood. :)

        • Scott Crawford

          A Mormon on HIS mission…

          Sorry, I know as much about Mormonism as I know about the Jewish concept of Hell (see Tipperary logline). I wouldn’t put in the mission bit unless you think majority of people in LA would get it.

      • Sullivan

        A Mormon virgin out to get laid?

    • Altius

      This is already entertaining. Out of curiosity, what made you pick silverware? It’s hilariously mundane, so kudos…

      • Scott Crawford

        Play on the term “FORK in the road”, I guess.

        Fork (intersection), the point at which a road branches into two.

        Fork in the road (metaphor), a metaphor, based on a literal expression, for a deciding moment in life or history when a major choice of options is required.

        Fork in the road (literal), carelessly discarded cutlery.

    • Stephjones

      Ha! This sounds great!

    • klmn

      Is there a script to go with this logline? The reason I ask is because it sounds like a one joke premise. A premise Johnny Carson used with his Art Fern character in his Tea Time Movie sketches.

      When the joke got old, he replaced the Fork In The Road with The Spoon In The Road.

      • Craig Mack

        KLMN — this was a joke.

        • Kirk Diggler

          Sounds like you are getting votes. Now you have to write the script.

          • Craig Mack

            I will say this; if given a deadline, I could turn this logline into a ‘serviceable’ script in the vein of TFTC: Demon Night.

        • For The Lulz

          I knew this was a joke!

          I was gonna comment, but I thought if it WAS a real script, then I may have offended you big time, so I held off.

          Some people have been recommending this, lol.

        • Altius

          Wow, I must have been in an overly serious mood reading through this…

          • Craig Mack

            Nah, it’s a good logline — but that doesn’t make a good screenplay. I thought the picture of the fork would have given it away…

          • Altius

            Ah, I guess the picture didn’t show up for me. But the hell, man, write it! Dark comedy, put your joke to work!

    • Sullivan

      Picking up a cursed fork off the highway sounds plausible, but an entire set of silverware? Yikes!

    • Javier Eliezer Otero

      If this supposes to be a Comedy/Horror, it gets my vote. But, the genre only says Horror. I need clarifications, otherwise, I will be disappointed. Sounds like comedy to me. It has to be specify in the genre.

    • Bluedust

      LOL, I like how your joke logline made some people’s top 5 list. We’ve all been waiting on a good haunted flatware story, ever since Satan’s Steak Knives (1974).

  • Scott Crawford

    Tried to post this in reply to comment from Kirk Diggler, but comment has disappeared! So here it is:

    Thanks for the “shout out”, Kirk!

    I HOPE that some of my comments today have been helpful. I think today was about sharpening some people’s loglines, loglines that may have slipped through the cracks (mixed metaphor, sorry) and not gotten on AOW. And there’s some very strong ideas here, many from long-term contributors.

    For what it’s worth, the two main problems I’ve seen today are:

    1). Long, unwieldy, slightly complicated loglines you need to read twice.

    2). People not putting their HOOKS, their original ideas, in the logline – possibly because they want people to discover them when they read the scripts. Bad move. Put them in the logline or your logline won’t stand out from the rest.

    Best loglines (not read any of the scripts, just going by the loglines):

    Miss Universe – Only true Hollywood “high concept” today.
    A Fork In the Road – Logline made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.
    Spur of the Moment – great logline, though I prefer my title, Bob vs. The Mob!

    • Kirk Diggler

      Yeah my comment seems to have disappeared as well. Maybe it will show up next week.

      • Erica

        I’ve had that happen to me a few times. They general end up appearing again after some time. I guess it’s some kind of bug.

      • Scott Crawford

        Thanks anyway.

      • Erica

        I agree Kirk. Feedback is what makes things better. If you ask your
        mom how your singing is, she will tell you that you are amazing. Then
        you end up on American Idol only to made a fool of. What AOW offers is
        some great constructive criticism, the more the better. Not everyone
        will agree with everyone’s assessment, but that’s okay.

        Sometimes even if you add a few thoughts or words of encouragement I believe helps.

        Your post disappeared then appeared but I couldn’t post to it so here is my reply

        Happy writing :)

        • Linkthis83

          Unless you have a mom like mine.

          ME: I’m going to be a singer.
          MOM: I hate to burst your bubble, son, but you’re not very good.

          She’s the best though. She truly is.

          • Erica

            If you’ve ever watched Idol, there should be more Mom’s like yours!

          • Linkthis83

            Unless I’m actually really good ;)

          • charliesb

            Your mom, and my mom would get along great.

      • Linkthis83

        I need it to show back up so we can add your name to the list! Great post, wherever it is.

      • Midnight Luck

        I read your comment earlier, why would it disappear AFTER it was put up? I don’t remember anything bad in it.

        And who are all these people posting? So many people I have never heard of. I mean absolutely no disrespect to them, I hope they all keep posting from here on out. But why do all these people only post with their work? Why not participate, AND post work? Most of them will just disappear after this.

        I posted about this the other day as well. All the drive-by’s on the site.
        It makes me wonder how many people are actually on the site every day, but don’t participate? Only Carson knows.
        And why are there are so many new people who don’t officially sign up on Disqus and don’t have an icon? I am kind of baffled as to why they don’t officially sign on?

        Why not just join up?
        Come on in. Join the party. Participate.

        • Scott Crawford

          “Drive-bys” and “Lookie Loos” I believe you called them last week. I concur.

          Some of these people/loglines…. bit weird. Bit strange. Regular Scriptshadowers in general I think had better stories to tell.

        • charliesb

          I don’t have an icon because I’m indecisive, and while I don’t post as much as I’d like to, I try to at least read everyday. A few people here say pretty much what I’m thinking anyway, so a vote up is often a enough, but I’m also very surprised by the number of “new” people posting here this weekend.

          I’ve a new found respect for Carson, I can’t imagine what his inbox is like.

          Will rectify the icon issue shortly :)

  • Linkthis83

    “A video game zaps a boy and his father back to 1814 during the pivotal Battle of Baltimore, where they must prevent the boy’s maniacal, British avatar from destroying Fort McHenry; the night that inspired The Star Spangled Banner.”

    • Scott Crawford

      That’ll work too.

      • Linkthis83

        Like you, it felt like the logline was complete at the altering US history part, but I liked the Francis Scott Key angle. So I tried keeping it. I am certain the numbers are very low on those that would know it was the Battle of Baltimore that inspired the creation of our national anthem.

        I didn’t know until I read the logline and looked it up to help with the logline.

  • ripleyy

    It definitely sounds like an interesting story, but there are some secrets left untold until the story itself. For example, I would build the logline around the mystery:

    “A woman plots her escape from an underground community who believes the apocalypse has already happened”

    The logline is shorter, but also simple yet intriguing (to me, that is). It has the hook: that the apocalypse never happened, and a woman plotting her escape. This leaves room for the mysteries of the story itself.

    • Scott Crawford

      Without reading the script, my problem is… so what if they believe the apocalypse hasn’t happened? What’s that got to do with anyone? Are the going to MAKE the apocalypse happen? If so, gotta go in the logline, really.

      • ripleyy

        You’re quite right. The community could be aware of it, but don’t necessarily care and the story itself hinges on that very fact. If they don’t care… there’s no stakes? If they do care, it does, so it’s a razor’s edge that you have to balance on.

        I haven’t read the scrip,t so I can’t really give a definitive answer, sadly, but the story regardless intrigues me, so it must be doing something right?

  • ripleyy

    This reminds me of a script, a few years ago I believe, on Amateur Friday where a group of reenactment soldiers have to fight the Confederate army (the plot and title escape me).

    I would also change the logline:

    “A boy and his father are transported through his video game to Battle of Baltimore where the boy’s psychopathic avatar threatens to alter history forever”.

    Definitely an intriguing idea and I love the video game inspiration. Pretty cool idea!

    • Scott Crawford

      I think the NATURE of the game – that it’s about the Battle of Baltimore and the 1812 war, and not just, you know, Mario Kart – is important. Otherwise – yeah! – shorter, better.

      • ripleyy

        Yeah I guess you could put both the year AND the war in there, just for those who aren’t entirely sure. :)

    • SinclareRose

      Was it:
      TITLE: The Still
      GENRE: HORROR/SUSPENSE
      LOGLINE: A group of graduate history students on vacation touring Civil War battlefields are terrorized by a motley crew of Confederate re-enactors who harbor a 150 year-old secret.
      That’s what it reminded me of.

      • ripleyy

        Yeah I believe that was it. :)

  • Erica

    Okay, this is a work in progress but here goes.

    TITLE: WITHOUT – TV Pilot

    GENRE: Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama

    LOGLINE: When Earth is bombarded by a cataclysmic solar storm, Jesse and her friends struggle to survive while searching Jesse’s father in a society that has crumbled.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ:
    There is no greater disaster then to underestimate danger… I’m not sure where I read that, but it’s just so true. I had the idea for the pilot. I found myself asking this question:

    How would I deal with the apocalypse? Killing zombies is easy, killing a fellow human, one that might be your neighbor, well that’s a different story. At least I hope that it’s a different story, if not you might have problems, put down the script and seek help. What happens if I go all Zombie Survivalist with my machine gun even though there are no Zombies? No regards for human life, then the lights come back on only to reveal my hands are soaked in blood. Would you make the same Choices that Jesse and her friends make or would you follow others like Jethro and Dakota making the world yours…

    There is an estimated 12% chance of a similar event
    occurring between 2012 and 2022.
    -Wikipedia

    In June 2013, a joint venture from researchers at Lloyd’s of
    London and Atmospheric and Environmental Research (AER) in the United States
    used data from the Carrington Event to estimate the current cost of a similar
    event to the US at $0.6-2.6 trillion

    feel free to follow along, don’t forget to bring a journal to keep notes because google is gone…

    • Scott Crawford

      Too much like Revolution?

      Along with her closest friends, Jesse Morgan tries to survive in a society where a powerful solar storm has turned the best of people – including Jesse’s father – into gun-toting maniacs.

      The father being leader of a gang of survivalists is my idea and you may not want it. I think it needs a little something like that.

      Either that, or since you know quite a bit about solar storms, just write a movie about that. Armageddon 2: Sunstrike!

      When a young scientist discovers a cataclysmic solar storm heading for earth, budget cuts at NASA lead her and her fellow eggheads to China where they will build a gigantic outer space barrier to protect the earth from the sun’s deadly rays.

      • Erica

        I haven’t seen that one, but I will look it up.

        There are a few twists and turns in the script and over the season, but I wanted to keep the logline as simple as possible, as it discribes the Serious and not the episode. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking this way.

        In the story, the Father is scheduled to land at 11 am, the power goes out at 11:09 am.

        I do like your Armageddon 2: Sunstrike concept.

    • charliesb

      Age of Jesse? Did her mom die in the event?

      This type of idea seems to have made the rounds in television over the last couple of years, (Revolution, The 100) so I would try for something a little fresher. What if instead of searching for her Dad, she’s planning to steal the hope diamond, because she and her mom loved watching Titanic?

      Ok, maybe not that, but look for an angle that has nothing to do with the “end of the world” and keep that as the setting. Week after week, why would we tune in?

      Your WYSR, should tell us about the other characters we are going to meet and follow.

      Good luck!

      • Erica

        Thanks you for the feedback.

        Jesse is 26. I think the angle I’m going for is more of a post apocalyptic story through the eyes of one person with the people she meets. It’s about how she makes choices weather forced or on her own to survive. Of course there will be people who want to take from her and people who survived. I have the first episode written and a general idea of where I want the story for the first season to go along with ending of episodes.

        I didn’t want to go the route of many others, having large cast or turning it into some government conspiracy an alien invasion or even a terrorist attack kind of thing, I wanted it to be about the character (s) making choice you and I would make. Don’t worry there is still lots of guns and with chases with lots of action to keep you wanting to watch, but most importantly I want you to care.

        • charliesb

          I see. It’s not actually the guns and action that I’m worried about. It’s the searching for her father that tripped me up, because it’s a fairly sentimental storyline that has been done across a variety of genres.

          I’m not saying it can’t work, (and obviously I haven’t read your script). I just think if you can come at the “end of the world” scenario with a completely unexpected angle (i.e. Free zoo animals into a national park, steal something from a museum, visit a landmark that will probably now be deserted – Dollywood) you might get more traction and still be able to tell the character focused stories week to week you are interested in.

          Good luck with it though!

  • murphologist

    Title: Hackjob Productions
    Genre: Comedy
    Logline: After an explosion of egos, four amateur filmmakers with different visions encounter nothing but disaster when they attempt to make a movie on their own.

    WYSR: We’re all frustrated artists at heart here on Scriptshadow. We all want to see our stories come to life on screen, but there’s an overwhelming fear of the possibility that it may never happen. Hackjob Productions focuses on that fear with strong comedic elements. Told in a Tarantinoesque structure about people who wish to attain the level of success Quentin Tarantino has, but are as far as can be from realizing that ambition. The premise, while esoteric (a movie about making movies), the emphasis here is on something everyone can relate to: the fear of failure, and what to do when failure becomes a reality. Enjoy!

    Script link: http://www.mediafire.com/view/nlqia2g9u9b295z/Hackjob_Productions.pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      Are they making the same movie or four seperate movies? Unclear.

      • murphologist

        I give myself a one sentence limit when composing loglines. The challenge there is encompassing the essence of the script in a finite amount of words. I don’t always succeed.

        • Scott Crawford

          One sentence, yes, but don’t be afraid to add more words if it makes it clearer what you’ve written. I can’t say that I’m blown away by the original logline, even though I think you may have written something great. It’s just too vague.

  • Randy Williams

    My picks so far, although I’ll check in later for new arrivals and these may change. Also, their loglines didn’t win me over but “A Time To Die” and “Silver Arrows” sound like good reads from the WYSR’s and I’ve yet to take a look at those two.

    In no particular order.
    1. Spur Of The Moment
    2. Pet
    3. Chickin Lickin
    4.The Henchman
    5. Hit Or Nah

    Congrats to all!

    and the Michael Sam Practice Squad award goes to my script, Skip’s Pillow. It’s stayed at the bottom all day where it probably deserves to be.

    • murphologist

      Yay! I wrote a semi-adequate Logline! I need to look at some more of the other submissions. I started Pet which was intriguing. But I stopped– nothing against the script. The greatest screenplay in the world is no match for a short attention span. Thank you very much, Internet Age!

      • Erica

        My pic would be “A Fork in the Road” so far, love the concept.

        Reminds me of one of those movies, you grab some popcorn, Dr. Pepper, and enjoy. A fun movie.

  • Midnight Luck

    426….and counting….
    let’s see if we can break the internet

    oh wait,
    quick, someone throw up some stolen downloaded Nudie Pics!

    • Scott Crawford

      Not interested in Nudie Pics. More LOGLINES!!!

      • grendl

        Where’s yours?

        • Scott Crawford

          You want to see my NUDIE PIC? OK. Downloading now.

          • Midnight Luck

            even funnier.

      • Midnight Luck

        funny. But I am so kidding.

        definitely more loglines.

    • ripleyy

      There was a logline article a year or two ago which had 1000 comments and *that* was a free-for-all. Good times, though, good times…

      • Scott Crawford

        I’ve been doing this all day, but no f—ing way am I wading my way back and forth through 1,000 comments!

        • Erica

          This just show’s the true importance of a good logline and pitch. 500 plus comments makes it very difficult to go back.

          What I’ve learned.
          In a sea full of idea’s you need to be the Island, the place that stands out. The place people just go to. You might only get one shot, you have to make that shot count, make them want to, no scratch that, make them beg to read your script…

    • SinclareRose

      Would love to see something from you! Have anything new you’ve been toying with? —- wait —- not nude pics! A logline, please.

  • Raphael Howard

    If memory serves me right, there was a film with a similar premise in 2005 called “Unleashed” (Or “Danny the dog” in some territories) with Jet Li, Bob Hoskins and Morgan Freeman.

    It’s still a great idea, and I can’t wait to see what you do with it.

    • brittany

      I LOVE Unleashed. Bob Hoskins (RIP) and Jet Lie KILL IT. And the Massive Attack soundtrack freakin’ rocks my socks. I’m happy to admit that even though my script is completely different, I did glean a small amount of inspiration from it.

  • carsonreeves1

    Sorry, I was out all day. All comments should be up now!

    • klmn

      Out somewhere or out unconscious?

  • carsonreeves1

    So do we have any winners? Any scripts I should definitely put up for Amateur Offerings? Or is there something so good I should go straight to a review?

    • Scott Crawford

      Miss Universe is the strongest logline, but I don’t believe it’s been written yet.

      Spur of the Moment and Fork in the Road are the other best based on the loglines (I haven’t read any of the scripts).

      • cjob3

        Those are good. I’d think PET warrants strong consideration too.

      • klmn

        ” Pretend these queries are being sent to you. Would you read them? Are any good enough that you’ve actually taken the time to download the script and open it? If so, let the reader know. If not, tell the reader why.”

        • Scott Crawford

          I reckon we’re talking over 70 loglines today. I’ve tried to post a comment on each – skipped a few -, so everyone has at LEAST one comment on their logline. Didn’t think I’d end up being the only one! Makes like biggest egotist in the world!

          I think some people honed in a select few popular scripts, but I didn’t want to leave anyone out. At the same time, I wasn’t COMPELLED to read anyone’s script. Maybe if a few are selected for AOW, or one for AF, I might take a look and comment on the WRITING, but I’ve focused on the loglines today (some of them need work, which may be why they didn’t make AOW before – my guess).

          • klmn

            Some of these loglines don’t have scripts attached. Some, like Fork In The Road are one joke premises.

            Without opening the script and reading awhile, you’ll never know.

          • Scott Crawford

            I’m pretending I’m a Hollywood power player, cigar in mouth, scanning through the loglines. If I WAS that Hollywood power player, I wouldn’t be downloading and reading the first page of every script. I might pick one or two, but I’ve still got some more loglines to look at before I call it a night.

          • Altius

            Scott, stellar work output today. Just on behalf of everybody, thanks for chiming in.

          • Scott Crawford

            Much appreciated. Thank you! Tears in eyes, really!

          • Erica

            agreed, you really helped a lot of us out here today, Thank you.

    • Altius

      A Fork in the Road sounds solid.

      • klmn

        Where’s the script?

        • Altius

          I dunno. Not my script. Isn’t this a logline competition?

          • klmn

            We’re supposed to be pitching scripts. I bet many of these loglines don’t refer to any script at all.

            During the twit-pitch competition, Carson complained about folks who didn’t start writing until their pitch was selected.

            If you read to the end of Carson’s post, “Pretend these queries are being sent to you. Would you read them? Are any good enough that you’ve actually taken the time to download the script and open it? If so, let the reader know. If not, tell the reader why.”

          • Altius

            Yeah, I get that it’s pitching scripts, not just ideas. I guess I glossed over that downloading part as hypothetical, but good point.

            Going on that criteria, what do you think are the best 3-5 picks of scripts that have been linked as well as pitched?

          • klmn

            The only one I’ve been moved to download is Pet. Only read a few pages but it looks well-written.

    • rickhester

      This sounded cool. Posted about 9 hours ago by ‘Jim’

      TITLE: The Fourth House

      GENRE: Mystery/Ghost Story

      LOGLINE: A young mother, believed to be suffering from postpartum psychosis, flees her family with newborn in tow to a haunted lakeside bed and breakfast in search of answers to visions of her own murder in a past life.

    • rickhester

      Also liked the sound of Defenders Day by Steve Blair

      LOGLINE:(Suggested by Scott Crawford) While playing a video game
      based on the War of 1812, a young man and his father are zapped backed in time
      to the REAL Battle of Baltimore, where they must stop the boy’s maniacal
      British avatar from altering the course of US history.

      And The Henchman by For the Lulz

      LOGLINE: In an action movie, a lowly henchman battles his own villainous boss to protect his family, while struggling to survive as an expendable character.

      VERY high ratings on the BlackList.

    • Javier Eliezer Otero

      Young Bucks gets my vote!

    • Meta5

      Excluding my own offering – Violet Sun – these would be my picks thus far…

      -Pet
      -The Fourth House
      -Father’s Reach
      -Frostback
      Miss Universe would get a pick if it had a script.

      These really boil down to personal taste rather than thinking like an exec. Father’s Reach would be the exception – I don’t care for cycling but I can see that there would be an international audience for this.

      It’s difficult to judge from just a logline (even with WYSR) – I would have passed on most my favorite films.

      • klmn

        Did you open these scripts?

        • Meta5

          I haven’t opened any though I do plan on reading Pet sometime this week.

    • http://batman-news.com Dick Asshole

      There sure is. A FATHER’S REACH. Have read the whole thing and it’s INTENSE. Put two young hot actor actors on this one and you got a KNOCK OUT.

      I am slightly biased as I am the writer’s brother and been involved in the process… ;) But
      It has won 1 place in a contest in LA.
      It’s been rewritten since and is slimmer, meatier and to the fullest DRAMA INFESTED.
      The opportunities to finance the film through sponsors, product placement and what not is overwhelming. The cycle sport and Tour de France is all commercialized. The teams are even called as their sponsors…
      But in the end, it’s the story. The build up to the 30+ page race where the two brothers wrestle with the demon of their father is breathtaking. And when at the finish line the long gone, used to be drug addict, seventeen years on the run, older brother says to his kid brother “You don’t have to run anymore” It’s a movie ending if there ever was one.

      This is the shit!
      //Bro

    • Nicholas J

      I opened 10+ of these, reading until I got bored. The best written was Pet by far and at least deserves an AOW place. On The Sparrow wasn’t half bad either if you have the patience for something slower.

    • Dan J Caslaw

      My picks for AF – chosen from both posted scripts and loglines w/out scripts. All I’ve got is a poor old laptop that absolutely CHUGS when Discus threads top 200 posts – this thread’s a sodding horse tranquillizer!

      1. Pet
      2. The Forest Brothers (for the logline, I’ll have to go grab this script)
      3. The Lord of Magic
      4. Tinseltown, IL (again, I liked the logline, need to get the script)
      5. The Devil’s Lullaby

      (I’ve replied to you just to be sure my vote doesn’t get missed. Actually, when is it you usually make your final read through for AF votes? Monday? Tuesday?)

  • ripleyy

    No problem!

  • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

    Thanks, Rick!

  • Sherif001

    TITLE: The Prisoner
    Logline: During the current boom of crude oil in Nigeria, a former rebel must survive a sinking ship sabotaged out at sea.
    Why; To test my logline and perhaps prove to the executives I’ve met with that there’s an audience.

    • SinclareRose

      As I read it, I see two different movies on either side of your comma. What does the sinking ship have to do with the crude oil?
      Is your former rebel on a large ship with tons of crude oil on it?
      Possibly tie those together and it may sound better.

      • Sherif001

        During the boom of crude oil in Nigeria, a former rebel recounts his life on an offshore mooring mission, that resulted in surviving under the depths of the ocean in an air pocket of a sinking ship.

  • klmn

    So which ones did you like?

  • klmn

    “Because I have pitched this to Carson more times than flies on a sandwich and he still hasn’t bit.”

    Bit of advice. Next time he comes to the drive-up window, stop asking if he wants his double-double “Fly style.”

  • Scott Crawford

    Erm, yeah. I can’t help you with this one. Anyone else?

  • Scott Crawford

    Well done, Erica! And thanks again for the “shout-out”, Kirk!

  • SinclareRose

    TITLE: Untitled Transporter Project (because after working on this for more than a year, I’m a total shithead with no title)

    GENRE: Sci Fi/Thriller

    LOGLINE: With the world’s pollution at an all-time high, a newscaster who just witnessed the unveiling of the invention of the transporter, must battle a rogue government VIP in order to save her sick sister and show the proof to the world. (Ahhh I suck! It’s so wordy – help!)

    WYSR: I’ve reserved a spot to have Carson give me notes on this, but I would just love to know if I’m doing any of this right. Who better to go to than the SS community? I know you all will help me by ripping my writing to shreds, and then building me back up! That is, if any of you are kind enough to take a look at my first eleven.

    Some of you have read a few of my pages before, but I’ve done some major rewriting.

    Anyone else as nervous as I am to do this? Holy crap, my hands are sweating, my heart’s pounding, and if I don’t do this now it’s never gonna happen. Here goes everything!

    https://www.sendspace.com/file/g79xs4

    • Scott Crawford

      TITLE: The Transporter Machine

      LOGLINE: In order to save her sick sister, a newscaster must protect the newly-invented “Transporter” – designed to save the increasingly-polluted world by transporting them to another planet – from a government official who wants to destroy it.

      • SinclareRose

        Thanks Scott!
        I was wondering, did you somehow get the “another planet” from my logline, or is that something you’re suggesting? Just making sure my logline isn’t as confusing as I think it is.
        I’d love to know if you think it has any merit among the many great ones posted here today. Please be honest. It won’t help if you aren’t!

        • Scott Crawford

          You NEED to tell us what the transporter machine does otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Even my logline doesn’t make sense. I don’t read the scripts, I just go by the loglines and my own GUT reaction.
          TITLE: The Transporter Machine

          LOGLINE: In order to save her sick sister, a newscaster must protect the newly-invented “Transporter” – designed to (fill in the blanks) – from a government official who wants to destroy it.

          • SinclareRose

            Hmmmm. Okay. I guess I just assumed everyone knows what a transporter is. I may have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone’s a huge Star Trek fan like I am.
            Back to rewrite land.
            Thanks so much for the input, Scott!

    • GoIrish

      Suggestion: we start with Devon and Lilith leaving Greg and Ruth’s house/warehouse (?), and then shortly after that, Devon is back with Greg/Ruth trying to kill them. Can you start with Devon trying to kill them and skip that intro scene? Seemed a little odd for Devon to leave only to turn around and try to kill them. Why not just do it from the start?
      Also, I think you’ve got some options on how to treat Lilith. You could introduce her but not reveal her occupation. Maybe midway through the story, we discover she heads up the Dept. of Transportation. Or maybe you introduce Lilith and her occupation early on, but it appears she’s interested in helping Greg/Ruth, but
      it’s only later we discover that Devon works for Lilith. As it currently stands, there’s little mystery. We know Devon works for Lilith; we know Lilith works for the Dept. of Transportation; and we know Lilith is evil. Also, it felt a little on the nose when Greg says Devon is a hitman and then Devon immediately appears trying to kill them. Not sure if any of these options would work for your story, but just something to consider.

      Notes while reading:

      p. 1 – for the slugline, it may help the reader if you state whether it’s a house or office building or warehouse. In the action lines, you can state they are under a
      covered doorway.

      p. 1 – I think we need to know they are all wearing full-face oxygen masks the moment their names are mentioned. It’s a key piece of information, and we don’t learn about it until two characters are out of sight.

      p. 1 – we next see Lilith and Devon in the limo. Not sure if this is key to the plot, but wouldn’t it make sense for the limo to pick them up at the end of the walkway? Or is the limo, in fact, there and we just can’t see it b/c of the
      haze? If you don’t want to show them getting into the limo at the end of the walkway, it may be helpful if you let the reader know Devon is in the limo at the beginning of the scene. I initially thought Lilith was talking to herself.

      p. 2 – not sure I recall seeing government limos with the agency seal on them (pretty sure the president’s doesn’t say anything). Some government agencies will put their seal on SUVs, but those tend to be for operational purposes
      rather than driving around the agency head. Also, if you want to create one of those mystery boxes, you may not want to reveal her occupation (tough to say if it would work for your story since I’ve only read 11 pages)

      p. 3 – “A movement behind them and a wall of shelves covered in potted plants…” I think I know what you’re saying but you may want to consider rephrasing. Are Ruth/Greg standing in front of a wall of shelves and behind the shelves there was some movement?

      p. 3 – “Devon fires the gun.” I initially thought he was firing at Ruth b/c she was being discussed in the prior sentence. It may be helpful if you write something like “Devon fires two shots into Greg’s torso/arm/leg…” (or something to that effect)

      p. 3 – just to be clear, Greg/Ruth disappeared but the the phone booth stayed behind, correct? Also, at the beginning of the scene, Greg took the touchscreen out of the phone booth, so I’m assuming they got in the other phone booth???

      p. 4 – “Tosh is everything.” I’m not sure what that means.

      p. 4 – Cammie is wearing high heels in the defense studio?? Okay, I kept reading and can see she is a news reporter. There may be some benefit to describing her attire and occupation in the beginning. If you want to keep some
      short-lived mystery, you could just focus in on her in a choke-hold struggling to get free – giving the impression she’s really being attacked. You could then do a reveal to show that it’s a defense studio and she’s a reporter.

      p. 5 – changed from “Muscle Man” to “Macho Man”

      p. 6 – we’re introduced to “Tosh” – see comment above

      p. 6 – if Tosh calls him “Steve-o,” it makes it sound like they are somewhat well acquainted. If so, wouldn’t he know that she needs to wear a mask every day? And if he is not well acquainted with her, wouldn’t the wheelchair at least
      raise the possibility that she might be part of a “sensitive group” (i.e., would he even risk suggesting that she doesn’t need the mask?)

      p. 6 – you used a lower case “dad” but on p. 7 you used an upper case “Dad”

      p. 10 – we’ve already been introduced to the “young man in suit” and “cameraman in a Hawaiian shirt” – may as well use their names.

      Let me know if you have any questions. I’d be happy to read more when the pages become available.

    • charliesb

      Hey Sinclare,

      So I gave your 11 pages a read. Sorry I took so long to get back to you, it’s been a busy week at work.

      Those first few pages were pretty dense. A lot of description and ton of characters were introduced, but after reading them I wasn’t really sure of the direction you were heading in, and I hadn’t gained a clear picture of our “hero”.

      Look at your logline, the things that stand out to me are an “over polluted world” and a “transporter“. I think you should spend these first few pages showing me your protagonist(s) living in a polluted world. How is this world different from todays? You were hinting at it with the masks and smog, but I think you can build this up more. What year is it? What technology are people using to deal with pollution. Perhaps the cigarette that Paul smokes, is something a lot of people do, because it actually helps filter your lungs or creates a barrier to the smog. I think it would help if you built a stronger back drop for your characters.

      The second thing is that I think you’ve introduced a lot of characters very quickly. There are at least 11 people in 11 pages :) And because they all have about the same level of description, I couldn’t differentiate between major players and secondary characters. Also try to keep your descriptions “grounded”, I think maybe “He is
      everything.
      ” has a different meaning to you than me.

      So overall, I’d look at those first 11 and maybe try to keep them on your couple that’s attacked (since I’m assuming this is big plot point) and a simpler (less populated) introduction of your newscaster (protagonist).

      Good luck with it, and keep us posted, I’m always up for a sci-fi thriller.

  • ripleyy

    You should definitely check out “Wool” whenever you get a chance, because it dabbles in the same idea (of course, “Wool” is apart of an expansive book series).

    I really like what you’re getting at though, and I wish you all the luck. :)

    • Rjlm

      Neat. Something to read :-)

  • gazrow

    Methinks Kirk Diggler should also be on this esteemed list! :)

    • Kirk Diggler

      Speaking of someone whose name I left off…. Gazrow!

      • Kirk Diggler

        I’d add Nicholas J as well.

        • Nicholas J

          You better. I know your address. Okay, well, your email address, but still…

      • gazrow

        Not really. I always take a look at AOW but very rarely comment. You guys deserve the credit not I.

  • Erica

    Thanks I’ll give it a look.

  • Erica

    Thank you. I will defiantly have to give it a re write. When I wrote the script, I did so thinking I was going to produce it, so some things were written with that in mind. I think I would of had a budget of around $500-$1000. The first script I did for $250. All volunteers. Lucky I had access to a Beta-Cam camera and equipment at the time so gear was free.

    I think a rewrite with only my imagination to hold me back would be fun.

  • ripleyy

    I like the idea of “waking up” from an Utopia. I also like “2” for some reason.

    My revised logline would be:

    “A teenager’s life is thrown into disarray when a rebellious girl shows him that his Utopian world isn’t as perfect as it seems”.

    If ‘The Feed” is a mind-controlling piece of technology, I would include that in a logline as well, because people will need to know what exact “The Feed” does to people so that they understand the story.

    I’m also imagining a “Hunger Games”-slash-YA world here, which is a good hook because Hollywood are going insane for YA material.

  • Sullivan

    Lose the second sentence in your logline.

  • klmn

    Where’s the script?

  • Scott Crawford

    Logline brings up lots of questions:

    What’s so dark about it? Sounds pretty light to me.

    What’s so funny about it?

    Why has production already started without getting the rights?

    What is the WRITER getting the story rights? Shouldn’t that be the lawyer?

    Your logline is set up as if we all know who Barry Minkow is, and although you do say who he is, it still reads as if we should know a egocentric Barry Minkow from a non-egocentric Barry Minkow.

    The Wolf of Wall Street? OK. Fargo? Not sure. No murders, no snow… I know what you mean, but I think you’re trying to sell a bill of goods with the dark comedy angle.

    Title: The Barry Minkow Story
    Genre: Comedy
    Longline: A writer must deal with the increasingly egocentric demands of Barry Minkow, the creator one of the largest Ponzi schemes in American history, and the subject of his latest screenplay.
    WYSR: Based on the true story of ZZZZ Best founder Barry Minkow. Appreciate any comments. If you liked “The Wolf Of Wall Street”, you’ll love this.

  • Scott Crawford

    No probs. When I’ve finished it. Outline nearly finished, start writing soon. Spy thriller, very twisty, lots of action. Needs a few more twists, maybe develop lead characters more.

  • MichaelWhatling

    TITLE: Fetch

    GENRE: Dark Comedy

    LOGLINE: An upbeat schoolteacher on the rebound meets the owner of a lost dog she returns, falling for the man’s serial killer modus operandi: using the dog to “fetch” his victims. She looks like his next victim. He looks like boyfriend material. Only one of them can be right.

    WHY READ: “Fetch” is a dark comedy about relationships, the anti-RomCom, if you will. It’s the first screenplay I ever wrote.

    • Scott Crawford

      Logline could be shortened from four sentences to one.

      LOGLINE: An upbeat schoolteacher on the rebound meets and falls in love with the owner of a lost dog she returns, not realizing he’s a serial killer who uses his dog to “fetch” his next victim.

      The serial killer who “fetches” his victims – that’s your hook. Build a logline around THAT. Good luck!

      • MichaelWhatling

        Thanks! But it misses the dynamic: he wants to kill her, she wants to make him her boyfriend. That’s where the fun is, no? Also, she isn’t in love with him…yet.

    • SinclareRose

      This one sounds funny. I like “Only one of them can be right.” But Scott’s right, it’s too long. Maybe just shorten the first sentence:
      An upbeat teacher on the rebound returns a lost dog to its cute serial killer owner who uses the dog to “fetch” his victims. She looks like his next victim. He looks like boyfriend material. Only one of them can be right.
      A logline is only supposed to be one sentence, but your last three are what make it sound like a dark comedy.
      Best of luck to you!

  • MichaelWhatling

    TITLE: Blood Alibi

    GENRE: Drama

    LOGLINE: A convicted criminal’s attempts to win back his family are threatened when he successfully robs an armoured truck thanks to the perfect alibi–the identical twin gay brother he hasn’t seen in twenty years.

    WHY READ: It’s inspired by a true story that recently made headlines across Canada.

    • Scott Crawford

      I would just stick with the HOOK – gay identical twin brother.

      LOGLINE: A career criminal devises the perfect alibi to rob a truck – framing his gay identical twin brother.

      I’m really tired now, so that’s the best I can do. Good luck!

  • tr3i

    Title — YOUNG BUCKS

    Genre — COMEDY

    Logline — Three former bank robbers, now well in their seventies, have two days to come out of retirement and pull one last job when a former associate with a grudge blackmails them into it.

    Why — Because comedies need a break from all the hollow plot and/or concept centric movies out there that pass for “comedies”. Because old Hollywood is hungry for good roles. Because this has NEVER been done before (I did the research and yes I know I’m anal raping myself right now as someone is bound to “steal” it). Because first and foremost this is a story about friendship and responsibility. Because the focus is on character and not on fancy “dialogue sparring”. Because the laughs arise from within not from without, from the characters and the situations they create and react to. And because this is a labor of love of over a year and eight drafts, god damn it :)

    • Scott Crawford

      Love the idea, perfect. Actors in their sixties, seventies, maybe eighties who can play the lead will be rare, and that could also put people off, but, hey Last Vegas

      Not sure about the title. Alternative titles:

      Young At Heart
      Old Dogs, New Tricks
      Old Guns

      • Radu Huciu

        Thanks Scott, I appreciate the love. Yeah I’ve considered the casting issue myself and while my wet dream scenario would see Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson and Tommy Lee Jones as the dynamic trio, sometimes I do ponder if maybe I’m chasing a ghost here. But then again that is the curse of the spec writer, isn’t it? We’re stubborn bastards madly in love with our babies. And the harder a project and the more people say “don’t do it”, the more fire under our belly…jesus we’re weird… :D

        • Scott Crawford

          Old age characters is always an issue with scripts, but then your competition is less – no one else today has pitched a script with pensioners! So do it and make it the best you can make it.

          Make it better than this film; I think you can (it really disappointed me as a kid):
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QerGDkBDFWQ

          • Radu Huciu

            Oh you better believe I’m gonna see this through. If nothing else it can always be used as a sample hehe :D Never heard of Tough Guys though and from the trailer I think I know why :D

            Thanks for the love and support Scott, much appreciated.

          • Erica

            That was the movie I was thinking of when I read the Logline.

          • Radu Huciu

            How am I the only one who’s never heard of Tough Guys? :D I need to slap my researcher.

            Anyway I guess it’s a compliment? I’ll take it as a compliment LOL :D

          • Erica

            lol, It happens. I posted a log line earlier only to find out the my logline reminded Scott of another Show. Turns out they are very different, but just goes to show how important a good pitch can be.

            Something like: It’s Tough Guys meets The Italian Job. Or Tough Guys meets The Hangover. That might be stretching it a little.

          • Radu Huciu

            Very true. It’s a fragile thing pitching. You can win or lose them so easily. And it all comes down to the logline. But hey, as long as people “get it” I think I’m in good territory :D

  • MichaelWhatling

    TITLE: Not a Prayer

    GENRE: BioPic

    LOGLINE: Non-believers saw her as a heroic warrior crusading to enforce the separation of church and state, but to the believers she delighted in tormenting, she was the devil incarnate. This is the true story of the irreverent, at times poignant, and always controversial Madalyn Murray O’Hair.

    WHY READ: It’s a true, yet unknown story about a woman who Time magazine once called “The Most Hated Woman in America.” At one point, I had an attachment agreement with Roseanne to star in it. I wrote it with her in mind. I really believe this role would redefine her as a dramatic film actress. I love comebacks.

    • Scott Crawford

      I would have to google O’Hair to know who she is. You’ve got me intrigued, but you’re making me work harder than I should have to know what you should be telling me in the logline.

      LOGLINE: Biopic of Madalyn Murray O’Hair, founder of American Atheist Magazine, and who Time once called “The Most Hated Woman In America”.

      That’s all you need. If people want to read the script based on that then they will. Bear in mind that many people who see your logline, maybe read your script ARE “believers”, so going after them in your logline (“she delighted in tormenting” them) might be a no. Then again, you’ve written the script, you’ve put it out there.

      Best of luck!

      • Kirk Diggler

        There are many things I would put in the category of ‘working hard’.

        ‘Googling’ is not one of those things. ;-)

        • Scott Crawford

          Yes, but would someone actually want to Google that name when faced with lots of other loglines they didn’t have to Google.

          It took me an extra MINUTE to comment on that logline! I think my logline makes it a little clearer, I don’t know how everyone else feels.

          • Kirk Diggler

            It’s a little clinical but more focused than the authors own logline. I guess the only thing it lacks is the author’s personal take on the story, like is there a specific event from her life that the story revolves around?

  • Radu Huciu

    Title — YOUNG BUCKS

    Genre — COMEDY

    Logline — Three former bank robbers, now well in their seventies, have two days to come out of retirement and pull one last job when a former associate with a grudge blackmails them into it.

    Why — Because comedies need a break from all the hollow plot and/or concept centric movies out there that pass for “comedies”. Because old Hollywood is hungry for good roles. Because this has NEVER been done before (I did the research and yes I know I’m anal raping myself right now as someone is bound to “steal” it). Because first and foremost this is a story about friendship and responsibility. Because the focus is on character and not on fancy “dialogue sparring”. Because the laughs arise from within not from without, from the characters and the situations they create and react to. And because this is a labor of love of over a year and eight drafts, god damn it :)

    PS: sorry if this is a re-post, posted first as a guest and wasn’t sure if it was going to show up or not :( my bad

    • Scott Crawford

      See below/above for my (free) advice.

    • Javier Eliezer Otero

      You got me. Would love to read it.

      • Radu Huciu

        Thank you. Send me your email either here or directly to liv_mi_aloun@yahoo.com and your wish will come true :D

    • cjob3

      I like this idea. Actually reminds me of my favorite episode of Car 54 Where Are You?

      • Radu Huciu

        Never seen it but thanks :)

        • cjob3

          No, I’m sure you haven’t. It’s really hard to find. I don’t think it’s ever been on released on DVD. Very underrated show. Here’s the episode I’m talking about. “Here We Go Again.” Classic stuff.

          • Radu Huciu

            Uuuhhh thanks, will definitely check it out :)

    • Bluedust

      Sounds a lot like “Going in Style”, an underrated comedy from 1979. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079219/

      • Radu Huciu

        Yeah I’ve seen that and the reason it’s “underrated” is because it tricks the audience into thinking it’s a comedy (with the poster and the logline), but then it turns out to be a drama with a couple of comedic moments. I can see how the concept is similar though (three senior citizens rob a bank), but I can assure you they’re miles apart. In that mine is better LOL >:)

        • Scott Crawford

          Your idea sounds more solid. Perhaps more Original Gangstas
          http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117260/

          … but a lot, lot better!

          • Radu Huciu

            I sure would hope it’s better than that :))

  • Montana Gillis

    Scan down grendl. My script is waiting for your razor sharp wit. I’ve been on SS for over 5 years and I agree with your advice, I try to spend more time writing and less time commenting. Take a look and see if my work measures up.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/

  • Scott Crawford

    Yes, because only people who write screenplays can give opinions on them. Think of all those screenplays Hollywood agents write. Or producers. Or managers. Or actors. Or consultants.

    Grow up.

    Better yet, join in. I’m going to bed soon, it’s late here in England. You start helping some people out.

  • Scott Crawford

    So everyone who liked Ted is wrong?

    Your logline is not better than Ted, let’s be honest. I’m glad you’ve told us it’s a dark comedy, because it’s not a funny comedy based on the logline.

    If you think Ted was bad, write something like Ted but better. EVERYONE has been writing DARK comedies today, and it MAY be a substitute for writing FUNNY comedies. Like:

    An (middle-aged, overweight, etc.) Irish athlete (I assume) is so determined to win Olympic gold he switches his drug-laden urine sample with a wheelchair-bound athlete with only three years to live; now everyone thinks he’s a hero, and the other guy’s a cheat!

    Not brilliant, and a bit long, but it’s funny AND it’s dark. Now do the same with YOUR ideas.

    • Bifferspice

      Scott, this script is funny. He doesn’t do those things with the urine samples. Why do you think that’s funnier than a script you don’t know the plot of?

      • Scott Crawford

        I’m reviewing the LOGLINES. That’s how you sell your script. The idea that every script submitted to Hollywood, every script posted here, people are gonna read is nonsense. The logline has to make people WANT to read the screenplay.

        And anyway, he went after Ted, which WAS a funny logline. Don’t do that unless you can back it up.

        • Bifferspice

          By all means hone the logline. But your advice was for a nonexistent film that had nothing to do with either the script or the logline. I have no idea what it was trying to do. Tell him his logline isn’t working. Tell him the logline isn’t right for the script. Don’t make up an off the cuff idea that has nothing to do with the script someone’s slaved over. That’s just kind of shit.

  • Scott Crawford

    Tell me more about The Forest Brothers. Otherwise I’m very interested in that part of the world. But you need to tell us in the logline who the Forest Brothers are.

    LOGLINE: In World War Two, a young idealist joins the underground resistance of the Forest Brothers movement to avenge the loss of his family and defeat the Soviets as they attempt to invade the country of Estonia.

    Yeah, not much to change there. But I didn’t know it was WWII until I looked it up.

  • SinclareRose

    Working on something new lately? Would love to hear if you have anything to add since Real Monsters and Tall, Dark, and Handsome.

  • Scott Crawford

    So only people who show you their scripts can post comments?

    Once again, who made you the moderator of this board?

    Thanks once again for your invaluable contributions to today’s offerings.

    • cjob3

      I’ve never read a script by Carson yet I still value his insights. I’ve think you’ve been doing a nice job here Scott, FWIW.

      • Scott Crawford

        Thanks.

      • SinclareRose

        How do we know we’ve never read a script by Carson? He could throw one into AO at any time and we’d never know.

  • Erica

    TITLE: Post already

    LOGLINE: A washed up, out of work scared scriptwriter spends his days critiquing other rather then deal with the 20 year writers block must finally choose to post his best piece of work or the online bully will post one for him.

    WHY READ THIS: Why not, you afraid…

    • Scott Crawford

      OK, give me four weeks and I’ll post a script. Is that OK? Four weeks to finish it. So that’ll be second week of October. Good enough?

      And, yes, of course I’m afraid. I envy the courage of ANYONE who posts their screenplays here. I don’t have much in my life APART from my screenwriting, so if that goes… but I am confident my latest one will be at least tolerable. Bring it on.

      • Erica

        I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend Scott, this was not directed at you in any way. I was trying to make a point about online bullying, All your feedback here today has been invaluable. I really do appreciate all you’ve done.

        I was trying to write comedy, but I guess I fail, lol I’ll stick with Fantasy and post apocalyptic.

  • Cuesta

    I wanna join the logline club!

    Title: Resonance
    Genre: Action/Sci-Fi
    Logline: A lost girl struggles to learn how everyone in the world is connected and her importance to it, while being tracked by an unstoppable killer.

    I find a “why should read” too pretentious for an unfinished script.

    • Radu Huciu

      Haven’t read all of them yet but this is too vague for me. It needs a more specific goal, preferably a time frame and definitely some stakes. All good loglines need a WHO (lost girl doesn’t do it, too vague, needs more specificity) and some good old GSU. Don’t believe me? Google some of your favorite movies :D

  • Nate

    I don’t know why you’re acting so pissy. At least Scott is trying to help. If his advice turns out to be shit, then people know not to listen to him, but at least he’s trying, which is more than you can say for some.

    • Scott Crawford

      Thanks, Nate. My “insights” are nothing more than observational comparisons with other loglines that got sold or produced. You can find this stuff in any decent screenwriting book.

  • Nate

    It’s two in the morning here, but I’ll throw mine in.

    Title: Breach
    Genre: Spy Thriller
    Logline: A rookie FBI Agent uncovers a government conspiracy after a group of high-ranking politicians are systematically assassinated by a rogue US Naval Intelligence Analyst.
    I won’t bother with a WYSR, but it’s basically Bourne meets The Fugitive (picture Tommy Lee Jones as the protagonist instead).
    I’ve got several loglines for this, but this is the one I’d rather use, as the others spoil the main twist. I want to end a bit extra onto the end, but not at the risk of spoiling it.

    • Eric

      Logline looks good. Maybe something more active than uncovers. “Fights to bring down”? Something that implies what he does AFTER he uncovers the conspiracy.

      But the biggest issue for me here is the title…

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401997/

      • Nate

        The story was actually different to what it is now and I thought the title would fit it best, but as I coming up with the new story, I realised that I would have to change the title because of the Ryan Phillipe film. I just couldn’t think of one and left it the same. I’ll change it eventually.

        • Scott Crawford

          Breach of Trust

          Against All Enemies
          Foreign and Domestic
          For Country (Navy motto)
          Navy Cross
          The Mark of Cain (brother reference)
          Swabbies

          • Nate

            Funny you should mention Against All Enemies, it was actually a title I thought about using when I came up with the original idea. May work better now that I’ve changed the story.

    • Scott Crawford

      A spy thriller. At last! What’s the hook?

      Rookie FBI Agent – OK
      Uncovers a government conspiracy – Agree with Eric, maybe need to be more specific
      Group of high-ranking politicians – Anything more specific; a particular committee
      Systematically assassinated – very Robert Ludlum! Nice!
      Rogue US Naval Intelligence analyst – That’s the most original idea here, although how tough a villain is an analyst going to be.

      You’re a regular here, Nate, so I’m gonna say there’s more of a HOOK here than you want to put in the logline. Something about the setting, the weapons, the plot that will set it apart from the rest.

      HEADS OF STATE
      A rookie FBI agent investigating the decapitation of five senators from the Committee on Armed Services, discovers the chief suspect is a rogue spy who will decapitate anyone who stands in his way.

      I mean, that’s silly, but the DECAPITATION (and the stupid title) draw attention.

      • Nate

        ”After a group of corrupt politicians are systematically assassinated, a rookie FBI Agent must help the CIA track down the assassin – a rogue US Naval Intelligence Analyst – who unbeknownst to him is his estranged brother.”
        That’s the other logline I had. It gives away the main twist, but does provide more of a hook I guess.
        I can leave out the government conspiracy part and there’s a very specific reason why the analyst is targeting those politicians. He’s not just choosing them at random. I suppose saying they’re corrupt helps make it more specific.
        The main antagonist is the Analyst, but he’s not the villain. Like I said, if you picture The Fugitive, but reverse the roles. Sam Gerard is the protagonist and Dr Richard Kimble is the antagonist. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t view Kimble as the villain. Well that’s sort of who the Analyst is. He’s a good guy doing bad things to the real bad guys, except the FBI Agent doesn’t see it like that.

        • Scott Crawford

          It’s a tough call. The brother thing IS your hook, like Ludlum’s “The Gemini Contenders” or David Morrell’s “Brotherhood of the Rose”. You MAY want to give away in a logline because it DOES make the story more appealing.

          • Nate

            It’s difficult to come up with a logline that sounds interesting, whilst keeping things back for the reader to discover. I thought about keeping the brother thing out of the logline and doing something like…
            ”After a group of corrupt politicians are systematically assassinated by a rogue US Naval Intelligence Analyst, a rookie FBI Agent, who has a hidden connection to him, must help the CIA track him down”
            It might make the reader ask ”what connection?”, but will it be enough to make them open it up and find out. If the brother thing is needed to grab people, then it’s probably gonna have to stay.

  • Meta5

    script link: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    TITLE: Violet Sun

    GENRE: Horror

    LOGLINE: Raised in seclusion due to his severe allergy to sunlight, a maladjusted teen
    naively believes that consuming the healthy blood of his unsuspecting victims
    is the equivalent of a blood transfusion, and it will cure his disease so he can win back the girl of his dreams.

    WHY YOU SHOULD READ: It brings realism to the vampire genre. But it’s not really a vampire story – it’s a metaphor for eating disorders and the issues that often surround them. And it’s a love story but it ain’t no “Twilight”.

    http://youtu.be/ni7AJQcFXEA – a short, simple teaser.

    *Forgive me for the double-dipping, guys – I’ve added the logline. Thanks!

    • Erica

      I don’t think your script link worked.

      • Meta5

        Thank you, Erica. It should be fixed now.

  • Russell Davis

    Title: The Devil’s Lullaby

    Genre: Horror, Thriller

    Log Line: The spirit of a deranged sorcerer returns to complete a spell that will turn him into Death itself, possessing children with a lullaby to do his bidding.

    Why you should read it? It’s been compared to films like Fallen and Nightmare on Elm Street. It’s gory in the right places and reads pretty fast. I’ve been told the tension and lay out is pretty good and it was an enjoyable read for most.

    • Scott Crawford

      Perfectly decent horror logline. Best of luck!

      • Russell Davis

        Thanks

  • Meta5

    Points for originality. I’d check this out on Netflix. Good luck.

  • LaughDaily

    Hey everybody! Hope everyone’s scripts are going well.

    I love visiting this community. I always learn a lot.

    My pitch:

    Title: American Dream

    Genre: Comedy

    Logline: A young Italian immigrant desperate to stay in America, falls in love with the Statue of Liberty and she comes to life.

    Why Should Read If You Could Read: This scripted got me a meeting at Sony – Escape Artists, the attention of Nancy Tenenbaum (Meet The Parents) and interests from some managers such as AEI (Ken Atchity). Everyone loved the concept but thought the execution needed work. In fact I OPTIONED it with a producer and he worked with me on several rewrites then sent it out to a few directors he had relationships with. Eventually the option ran out and things cooled off. I have since rewrote it several times after writing other scripts and studying Carson’s post as well as everyone’s daily suggestions on this site. Thanks again and good luck to all! Happy writing!

    • Scott Crawford

      I like that idea a lot! You’ve got a good, strong POSTER image, a real HOOK.

      Title needs to be changed:

      Lady Liberty
      Miss. Liberty
      Life and Liberty
      Liberty to Life
      Green Lady
      Liberty Island

      Anything that gets the Statue of Liberty in there. It’s not that American Dream is a rotten title, it’s just a little overused:

      http://www.imdb.com/find?q=american+dream&s=all

      • LaughDaily

        Hey Scott,

        First, thanks for taking the time to consider my pitch. Appreciate it!

        Thanks A MILLION for liking my logline. One of the reasons I love high concept comedies is that they are so easy to sum up and pitch.

        Thank you for the title suggestions as well. I will definitely consider them all. I especially like Life and Liberty. Again, thanks for all your efforts and critic. Happy writing!

    • Scott Chamberlain

      great concept

      • LaughDaily

        Morning Scott,

        Thank for taking the time to look at pitch. I know how busy all our lives are so thank you.

        Yes, I love the concept. It’s what keep me going during those tough writers block moments. The idea just fascinates the hell out of me. LOL.

        Thanks again and happy writing!

  • r.w. hahn

    Title: On the Sparrow
    Genre: Western
    Logline: A Preacher in 1880’s Colorado comes home to discover his wife murdered and his baby taken. He turns to bounty hunting to get the killers and find his son.

    Why You Should Read: This is a powerful story where the faith of one man is tested by fire, and the greed of another man peels back the darkness of his soul. When they finally cross paths, will vengeance be stronger than forgiveness?

    I have always loved Westerns, and am excited to have finally written one. One with the grittiness and rawness of the genre, a protagonist to root for, and a villain to root against. Where sometimes being a good guy doesn’t always mean wearing a white hat.

    Scriptlink: http://www.mediafire.com/view/w04w4ldsgu813oq/On_the_SparrowV.pdf

    • Scott Crawford

      Does the preacher do the bounty hunting or does he HIRE a bounty hunter? Clarify this and I think it’ll be easier to understand how this man’s faith is tested.

      Otherwise, perfectly decent western logline. Best of luck!

      • r.w. hahn

        Yes, the Preacher becomes the Bounty Hunter..As to the length..Westerns lend themselves to be longer than dramas if the story dictates it…Unforgiven 131 pages. Django 166 pages…etc. However, I am still currently looking to cut any fat of this doggie that I can find. But it is a tight read as it stands….

    • Bluedust

      It sounds like a rather generic vengeance Western. Looking for some irony and drama in this logline. Also, your script is 151 pages. A 151 page Western is like trying to sell jalapenos in Death Valley. Trim it.

      • Scott Crawford

        I think the irony is in a preacher becoming a gunman, like Russell Crowe in The Quick and the Dead, but in reverse.

      • r.w. hahn

        Hi Blue…got it down to 136 pages.

  • cjob3

    Thanks, man!

  • Bluedust

    I think your logline would be clearer if you mentioned that Cayce was a famous psychic/mystic/con man from the early 20th century.

    • Scott Crawford

      Agree. And be clearer as to why he is responsible for the young woman’s death:

      Logline: After a young woman dies during a seance conducted by legendary early 20th century “psychic” Edgar Cayce, her vengeful mother teams up with seedy criminals to expose him as a fraud.

      That’s actually longer than your logline! But you get the idea.

  • lysdexicuss

    HOME TEAM FIX

    Comedy

    A Player strike cuts short Football season, so some philanthropic
    MOBSTERS bankroll a new six-team East Coast League to keep their
    pockets, the Bookies, and Fans happy, with a rule to recruit only
    no-name walk-ons or Pro rejects who live within each City’s limits.

    WYSR: My Mom thought it was funny.

    ps: It bears no resemblance to The Replacements or any other Football comedy. Just in time for Kickoff 2014…

    https://www.sendspace.com/file/2v77jj

    • Scott Crawford

      Assume I know nothing about American football. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL. So while I think there’s a potentially great football comedy here, I need you to clarify a few things for me, and others:

      Philanthropic MOBSTERS bankroll – Sounds expensive. Plausible?
      New six-team East Coast League – Why six, why East Coast?

      A rule to recruit only no-name walk-ons or Pro rejects who live within each City’s limits – this is the bit I REALLY don’t undertstand. Why only these people? I think you know and it’s all great, but you NEED to put it in the logline?

      Also, are the MOBSTERS the protagonists or one of the players?

  • Paul Clarke

    Thanks Kirk.

    Nice to be mentioned. I too will be looking for advice from the esteemed Hall of Fame reviewer list. I’m waiting on the results for the current Industry Insider comp. If I don’t win I’ll be sending it in to AOW for advice. On top of that I’m working on a Scriptshadow special – a sci-fi contained thriller with a down on his luck protag.

    If it helps – I can personally vouch that giving out notes freely can lead to more than just personal enlightenment and learning. It seems the Joker was wrong when he said “If you’re good at something never do it for free”

  • Eric

    Depends on how it’s depicted. If the Miss Universe pageant is depicted in a negative light, Trump could request rewrites or yank the permission. Trump tends to be a bit sensitive to that kind of stuff too, so i doubt cjob’s got a lot of slack.

  • Malibo Jackk

    You may run the risk of the ZZZZ Best story
    overshadowing the story of acquiring the rights.

    • Scott Crawford

      I see it as being a bit like The Dresser or My Week With Marilyn, with the young screenwriter acting as the protagonist as we see this larger-than-life character. But acquiring life rights is NOT going to be the most exciting cinematic event of the year.

  • hickeyyy

    633 comments? I don’t have time for this. Good luck everyone that pitches. I’ll do my best via email.

  • klmn

    I applaud your effort.

    • Bluescreen

      Thanks, klmn. Didn’t want to see these scripts get lost in this huge thread.

      • r.w. hahn

        Ditto on the amazing…and may I add awesome?

        • Bluescreen

          You may…just kidding, glad to be able to help.

  • Scott Crawford

    Title: Here Lies Bob – Why this title? Don’t understand.

    Genre: Comedy/Sci-Fi/Drama – See Amateur Friday. Pick ONE or TWO genres.

    Logline:

    Suicidal depression – Fun subject
    Ten years after – Long timespan
    The worst public humiliation – Please clarify and expand
    forced to finally reach out for help – Why finally forced?
    Experimental Neuropsychologist- OK
    Sending back in his own timeline – How does a neuropsychologist do that?
    Fix the wrongs of his past – What wrongs? How are they fixed? Again, please be specific.
    Trapped in his own past – What does that mean?
    The worst thing that ever happened to him – Third time you’ve mentioned it in your logline without telling us what it is.

    I understand what you’re trying to do here; you’re trying to make us so INTRIGUED we can’t wait to read your screenplay to find out what it’s all about, but all you’ve really done, to be honest, is confuse people.

    • urban.spaceman

      Righto:
      Title: Here Lies Bob
      {title is explained in the opening scene: Bob is reading out his own eulogy which sums up how he’d feel about his life if he ended it}

      Genre: Comedy/Sci-Fi

      Logline: Ten years after being jilted in front of thousands of people, Bob is suicidally depressed. He meets an experimental Neuropsychologist, who offers Bob a way out – by sending back in his own timeline via his memories – but when he gets there he finds that he has no control over events, leaving him powerless to prevent the worst thing that ever happened to him.

      ——————–
      Thanks for the reply, and the critique of the logline – helped a lot!

  • Scott Crawford

    Great idea.

  • Scott Crawford

    Do you own the rights to this story?

    • SinclareRose

      Would something like that not fall under public domain?

      • Scott Crawford

        Davyss de Winter is the creation of Kathryn Le Veque:
        http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kathryn-Le-Veque/e/B004QF87Q4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

        Unless the “SS Fan” has permission from Ms. Le Veque to adapt her work, this is hot stuff. Hot like a stolen watch.

        • SinclareRose

          Ahhh, thanks Scott. Thought it was something older.

        • SS Fan

          Kathryn is my partner on this, Scott. It’s all good.

          • Scott Crawford

            Excelllent. You should put that in your pitch. Hollywood love adaptations and they LOVE a franchise.

    • SS Fan

      My partner and I, yes.

  • Scott Crawford

    See above/below for my (free) comments.

  • Scott Crawford

    OK, perfectly decent but a bit verbose. Why is he suicidal and is this CRITICAL to the logline? What is this ancient beast of mythically biblical origins? Leviathan? Goliath? Gollum? I think you should tell us what these very, very old concepts are; don’t be afraid of spoilers, this is stuff we need to know.

    • Robert Harmon

      Thanks for the critiques! Logline writing is definitely a tricky artform.

  • Scott Crawford

    Too many genres – see Amateur Friday entrant #trending:
    http://scriptshadow.net/amateur-friday-trending/

    Replace “DMT” with “hallucinogenic drug”; call me square, but I don’t know what DMT is until I Googled it.

    The rest sounds a bit weird to me, but best of luck with it!

  • UNTITLED

    TITLE: Re-Enactment
    Genre: Psychological Horror
    LOGLINE: A young theatre actress finds herself besieged by all kinds of nightmares, blackouts and stalkers.
    WHY YOU SHOULD READ WHEN FINISHED: If you like freaky horror films then I hope you’ll enjoy this.

    • Scott Crawford

      She’s suffering from three things but none of it is specific enough to separate it from dozens of other loglines. In other words, no HOOK.

      A young theater actress preparing for her first performance as Queen Cleopatra becomes obsessed with a 1940s actress who committed suicide after playing the same role.

      Not great, but something a bit more specific like that.

      • UNTITLED

        OK how ’bout:

        A young theatre actress working for the role she always wanted finds herself besieged by all kinds of lucid amnesic blackouts, dangerous stalkers and lucid nightmares from her past, after a murder was committed in the theatre.

        I think it’s an improvement. I have the character, her goal and then the bad things and I also put some adjectives in there so I hope it adds depth. As for the hook… I don’t know, I’ll let you express your opinion on that. I did write a few more treatments for this logline but I forced myself to say there terrible and started over. Finally I ended up with the one above (even though there’s no script attached I just really need to test out the logline). You’re doing great by the way with your opinions.

        • Scott Crawford

          That’s a lot better. “Murder in the theatre”. THAT’S your HOOK.

          • UNTITLED

            Oh yay!!! That’s great, thank you very much.

  • Scott Crawford

    So he travels into the past but can’t remember how and why? Excellent! I like that. Maybe to be a little sharper:

    After a trip to the past (when exactly?), a time-traveler suffers memory loss and can’t remember how to return to the present.

    After a a trip back to the 1970s, a time-traveler suffers memory blackouts and is trapped in the past with no way of getting back to his family.

  • Alex Moreno

    Blue- Good point (Just trying to keep logline nice & tight)
    Maybe …to expose the famous mystic, Edgar Cayce, for the death of her daughter?

  • Scott Chamberlain

    Thanks to Bluescreen for collating everything. Below is a copy of Bluescreen’s post, with comments for each.

    MY VOTES: PET, CORRIDOR OF FREAKS, SILVER ARROWS, with a spot for MISS UNIVERSE if cjob gets it written (which cjob should ’cause the concept rocks)

    TITLE: Pet

    GENRE: Horror

    LOGLINE: Mya, a woman who spent her childhood in a
    cage, is
rehabilitated and given the chance to live a normal life when she
    moves out on
her own, but she meets a mysterious man that threatens to undo her
    progress.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Character name in logline is a red flag.
    Mysterious man is too mysterious/generic. In what way relevant to story is he
    mysterious? How does he threaten her progress? Don’t you mean threatens her
    sanity? To be honest, the reverse is more compelling – a therapist takes on the
    job of curing a woman caged since childhood and it is his/her worst nightmares
    that come true.

    ——————–

    TITLE: Corridor of Freaks

    GENRE: Black Comedy

    LOGLINE: Animal-rights activists break into a research
    lab. They enter the nightmare world of the corridors where they encounter
    horrific examples of genetic engineering gone wrong and have to escape becoming
    the next research subjects.

    LINK: https://www.mediafire.com/?hq4

    COMMENT: Comedy? A little irony might help – Animal
    rights activists become trapped in a military research lab crawling with the
    deadly genetic freaks they just liberated. Title sucks, but c concept
    stong(ish)

    ——————–

    TITLE: Spur of the Moment

    GENRE: Thriller / Comedy

    LOGLINE: A man on the cusp of a midlife crisis
    undergoes a surprising and remarkable transformation after he uncharacteristically
    decks a
belligerent stranger — only to learn the man he punched is a
    notorious
underworld figure who’s looking to exact revenge.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Thriller and Comedy? Comedy means no one gets
    hurt. So where’s the thrill? Concept boils down O; Middle aged man avoids
    mid-life crisis by decking a violent criminal hell-bent on revenge… Not seeing
    the story here. A middle-aged man is too generic. What does he do? Why is this
    the answer to his impending crisis?

    ——————–

    TITLE: A Father’s Reach

    GENRE: Drama / Sport / Action

    LOGLINE: A recovering drug addict attempts to reunite
    with his pro-cycling brother whom he hasn’t seen in seventeen years.

    LINK: https://www.mediafire.com/?bfi

    COMMENT: It’ll be all about the execution.

    ——————–

    TITLE: Tinseltown, IL

    GENRE: Action / Comedy

    LOGLINE: A pair of movie theater owners are targeted
    for assassination by the MPAA when they start illegally re-running movies.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    Not seeing the concept. Where’s the LOCK that ties these
    characters into a “life or death” struggle? Why not… just stop showing re-runs
    when things get heavy??

    ——————–

    TITLE: Hit or Nah

    GENRE: Urban Ensemble Romantic Comedy

    LOGLINE: A group of lifelong friends join a popular
    dating website for quick hook ups, but instead learn a lesson in maturity from
    the website’s founder, a professional matchmaker that’s losing her faith in
    love.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: This could be When Harry Met Sally for the
    tinder generation. Lifelong friends sign up for hook ups, only to find they
    love each other. Probably even better if the friends are all the same sex.

    ——————–

    TITLE: The Henchman

    GENRE: Action / Comedy

    LOGLINE: In an action movie, a lowly henchman battles
    his own villainous boss to protect his family, while struggling to survive as
    an
expendable character.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: I don’t understand. Is he an actor in a movie
    struggling to avoid the fate of every red shirt? Or is a real crime boss’
    expendable henchman? How does an expendable henchman battle their crime lord
    boss? Could be like Jackie Brown – outwitting everybody.

    To protect his family, an expendable henchman must
    outwit his unhinged crime lord boss, while struggling to survive every
    ridiculous suicide mission assigned to him. Yeah, I’d see that.

    ——————–

    TITLE: The Merchants

    GENRE: Crime / Drama

    LOGLINE: A charismatic criminal takes two fatherless
    boys under his wing, then thrusts them into the midst of a brutal gangland war
    that 
threatens to tear their entire world apart.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Whose story is this? What is their flaw? And
    the stakes?

    ——————–

    TITLE: The Scarab

    LOGLINE: In 1928, a disillusioned young Englishwoman
    is recruited to follow in the footsteps of her long-lost parents in finding an
    ancient Egyptian artifact of unspeakable power, racing against the brutal
    ex-soldier who seeks to return the Ottoman Empire to power.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Feels
    like we’ve seen this. The Mummy. Indiana Jones. Romancing the Stone. Logline needs
    to bring out what is fresh and new here. And the return of the ottoman empire
    is all he would do with this unspeakable power? And that would be a bad thing?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Defenders Day

    GENRE: Adventure / Comedy

    LOGLINE: A boy’s video war game zaps him and his dad
    back to the year 1814 at the important Battle of Baltimore, where they must
    stop the
boy’s maniacal, British avatar from altering the course of US history,
    and
ensure that Francis Scott Key is still inspired to write The Star Spangled
Banner!

    LINK: http://defendersday.com/

    COMMENT: I don’t understand. Too much going here. Is
    this Back to the Future meets Enders Game? Or meets Glory? Or something? And
    why the dad, too? What is the story really about? Father and son? A coming of
    age? I suspect this will be all about the History and no enough about the
    Story.

    ——————–

    TITLE: Bastion of Ruin

    GENRE: Dark fantasy

    LOGLINE: Ten years after the fall of their kingdom, in
    a devastated town a sheltered young noble woman joins traumatized soldiers to
    protect their harvest from undead, but what they find in the wilderness is far
    more
terrifying.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Is this a zombie film set in the middle-ages
    style world and a sheltered noble woman as the last girl? Lose the ten years.
    Can we make this about her learning how to rule? A coming of age? The goal is
    unclear? Are they protecting the harvest, or going on a journey into the
    wilderness. Again, what, at heart, is this story really about, besides being a
    post-apocalyptic zombie film set in the middle ages.

    ——————–

    TITLE: The Forest Brothers

    GENRE: Action / War

    LOGLINE: A young man reluctantly joins the underground
    resistance of the Forest Brothers movement to avenge the loss of his family and
    defeat the Soviets as they attempt to take the country of Estonia and
    its
people off the world map forever.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Hmm… I really don’t feel anything, here. War
    stories are not my thing. But where is the story? Why this young man? Why are
    we telling this tale through him? There’s been many films and books about this
    struggle, but they seem to focus on real people. Is this guy real?

    ——————–

    TITLE: A Time to Die

    GENRE: Crime-Thriller

    LOGLINE: After his wife cheats on him, a man hooks up
    with a prostitute, unaware their motel room will become the battle ground for a
    mobster’s fortune.

    LINK: https://www.sendspace.com/file

    COMMENT: Contained thriller? Man trapped in a Motel
    room with a prostitute? Not clear what the LOCK is. How does he become trapped.
    If it is all about the mobster’s fortune, why can’t he just leave? Why is this
    his fight?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Silver Arrows

    GENRE: Horror

    LOGLINE: War can turn a man into a monster… What
    happens to his family when he comes home?

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Great/insanely risky subject for horror,
    placing the monster inside a returning serviceman. Homeland as horror, not
    political thriller. Needs a better logline. Who’s story will this be?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Colossal

    GENRE: Horror

    LOGLINE: A man who was tormented as a child hunts down
    the woman responsible for his affliction.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: What affliction??? How is horror and not
    revenge? Is he the monster or is she?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Untitled Transporter Project

    GENRE: Sci Fi / Thriller

    LOGLINE: With the world’s pollution at an all-time
    high, a newscaster who just witnessed the unveiling of the invention of the
    transporter, must battle a rogue government VIP in order to save her sick
    sister and show the proof to the world.

    LINK: https://www.sendspace.com/file

    COMMENT: Not following. World’s population is at an
    all time high right now…. And now…. And now…. I think you mean: an
    over-populated earth. What is the conspiracy? Is the transporter (to another
    world/planet?) part of the conspiracy?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Hackjob Productions

    GENRE: Comedy

    LOGLINE: After an explosion of egos, four amateur
    filmmakers with different visions encounter nothing but disaster when they
    attempt to make a movie on their own.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: …

    ——————–

    TITLE: Quest for the Kobblestone

    GENRE: Fantasy

    LOGLINE: While searching for the fabled
    “Kobblestone”, a young prince and his friends must rescue one of
    their comrades from the evil Thangorom who wants the Kobblestone for himself.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Is this for children’s TV? It reads like a
    piss-take on the whole genre. Or the next Lego Movie.

    ——————–

    TITLE: The Prisoner

    GENRE: Adventure / Drama / Thriller

    LOGLINE: A former rebel must survive in an air pocket
    of a sinking ship, that was sabotaged out at sea by the same insurgent group he
    was once sold to as a child.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Is this Buried, at sea? How do you sustain
    the story?

    ——————–

    TITLE: Take Your Daughter to Work Day

    GENRE: Thriller

    LOGLINE: A personnel manager finds himself at the whim
    of a twisted young woman who insinuates himself into his life.

    LINK: https://www.sendspace.com/file

    COMMENT: Think you mean “herself” when himself first
    appears. I like the title, but don’t understand the concept. How young? How
    does she insinuate? How does she become his daughter? Think title belongs to a
    different movie – like a mobster taking his daughter to work, or a criminal
    prosecutor being tormented by someone she put away etc.

    ——————–

    TITLE: Skip’s Pillow

    GENRE: Thriller

    Logline: A canny female chemist recruits the somewhat
    naive boyfriend of her jealous sister to help protect a mouse that was part of
    a lab experiment on extraterrestrial life.

    LOGLINE: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: ??? Sorry. Just found this confusing.

    ——————–

    TITLE: Violet Sun

    GENRE: Horror

    LOGLINE: Raised in seclusion due to his severe allergy
    to sunlight, a maladjusted teen naively believes that consuming the healthy
    blood
of his unsuspecting victims is the equivalent of a blood transfusion, and
    it
will cure his disease so he can win back the girl of his dreams.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: Allergy to sunlight? Is this Dracula as a
    delusional emo teen? Like the title. If this is his story, give him a goal: To
    cure himself of his allergy to sunlight,… Or is the goal: To win back the love
    of his life…

    ——————–

    TITLE: Home Team Fix

    GENRE: Comedy

    LOGLINE: A Player strike cuts short Football season,
    so some
philanthropic Mobsters bankroll a new six-team East Coast League to
    keep their pockets, the Bookies, and Fans happy, with a rule to recruit only
    no-name walk-ons or Pro rejects who live within each City’s limits.

    LINK: https://www.sendspace.com/file

    COMMENT: Nope. This is a situation, not a story.

    ——————–

    TITLE: On the Sparrow

    GENRE: Western

    LOGLINE: A Preacher in 1880’s Colorado comes home to
    discover his wife murdered and his baby taken. He turns to bounty hunting to
    get the killers and find his son.

    LINK: http://www.mediafire.com/view/

    COMMENT: What is new, here?

    • Scott Crawford

      Truth bombs!

      Something about people called Scott…

    • SinclareRose

      Thank you, Scott, for taking the time to comment.
      I was just wondering, though, was my logline just that long and confusing, or did you misread/write the word pollution to population? I know it really needs work, but I’m just trying to get a sense of what needs changing.
      Scott Crawford also mentioned something about a different planet when he commented on mine, but the logline doesn’t talk about a different one. Maybe I should just say Earth instead of “world’s”?
      Thanks again!

      • Scott Crawford

        I just found the logline confusing. Not sure about other people. I just thought it sounded like the movie Lost In Space (which had a transporter).

      • Scott Chamberlain

        World’s pollution and population are at all time highs now… and now… and now. Do you mean the planet is uninhabitable? A sci/fi thriller version of this other eden?

        Let’s break it down…

        “With the world’s pollution at an all-time high, a newscaster who just witnessed the unveiling of the invention of the transporter, must battle a rogue government VIP in order to save her sick sister and show the proof to the world.”

        PROTAG: Female Newscaster
        FLAW: ???

        GOAL: save sick sister AND expose proof
        ANTAG: rogue government VIP
        STAKES: ??? the truth? sister’s health?

        Neither the transporter nor the over-population play into any of these elements, but they should. The sick sister feels irrelevant. There is no obvious link between the elements.

        Usually, the protag would uncover hints of a conspiracy and must stay alive long enough to dig deep enough to uncover the truth. It would be something like: In a future where pollution is about to render Earth uninhabitable, a rookie newscaster discovers an elite circle of the wealthy and powerful have been using the last of the earth’s resources to build the technology to transport them and their families to a secret inhabitable planet. Now she must keep her and her sick sister alive long enough to expose the truth.

    • brittany

      Thanks for the vote and logline comments on Pet! You’re the man, Scott!

    • UNTITLED

      Tinsletown IL and Pet are my votes.

    • Midnight Luck

      many of the links don’t work

      here is the PET link again

      http://www.mediafire.com/view/pjniaqjyc4j3ddp/Pet.pdf

    • Bluescreen

      Scott, something must have happened when you copied the post, none of the links work. Here’s the original post with working links:
      http://scriptshadow.net/amateur-offerings-off-day-pitch-your-own-scripts/#comment-1577553234

      • klmn

        Thanks Scott!

    • r.w. hahn

      I’m not sure if the link came through…here it is again…should be 136 pages total including title page
      http://www.mediafire.com/view/5m9pu77itmgr187/On_the_SparrowV.2.pdf

    • r.w. hahn

      the Logline is:
      A Preacher in 1880’s Colorado comes home to discover his wife murdered and his baby taken. He becomes a Bounty Hunter to get the killers and find his son.

      The one above seemed to be vague as to whether he hires a bounty hunter or becomes one…so the Logline is new and clearer….thanks

  • Bifferspice

    this made me laugh out loud many times, which i’ve found very few screenplays do. the only other one i can think of that made me laugh this much was the stanley cup heist one. i recommend anyone wanting a laugh to read this. i think it has real merit.

  • SinclareRose

    Why is she besieged by all of the nightmares, blackouts, and stalkers? This one may need to be expanded on a little bit, but maybe take out the words “finds herself” and “all kinds of.” So instead: A young theatre actress is besieged by nightmares, blackouts, and stalkers when……

  • SinclareRose

    Hi Letdown. I think your logline sounds interesting, but (you knew it was coming ;)) what throws me off is the 3 years he has to live. Carson talks a lot about GSU. Three years tells me this is going to take place over a long period of time and that some of this story may be drawn out unnecessarily. I understand that your protag needs time to train for his unnamed Olympic sport, but three years gives no sense of urgency.

    I don’t know what your script is about so please excuse my ignorance, but maybe:

    After being told he has three months to live, an occasional weight lifter drops everything to train full time in pursuit of Olympic glory, which leads him down a (insert funny adjective here because it’s a black comedy) road of drugs, deception, and brainless ignorance.
    Best of luck to you!!

  • SinclareRose

    Grendl, you’re incredibly capable of being objective and helpful. I’ve seen it.
    It would be great if you could pick a few loglines to give some constructive criticism to.

  • r.w. hahn

    I have read Sleeping Prophets and the other scripts Alex mentioned, and he does have the talent to be a very good screenwriter. Like many of us, it is about finding our unique voice and honing our craft. With Sleeping Prophets Alex takes a step forward for sure as a story teller and it would make a wonderful film.

  • Scott Crawford

    OK, some quick observations I’ve made looking at all these loglines (please add and expand with your own observations):

    Many loglines are vague, generic, with NO ORIGINAL HOOK.

    Vague terms like man, woman, troubled past. Nothing specific.

    Writer refuses to reveal the “Crown Jewels” of his script in the logline, even though anyone reading the first thirty pages would know what they are.

    Every element of the story is crammed into the logline when all they really needed to focus on is the HOOK.

    Ideas are ten a penny.

    Writers feel need to tell us all about the history of the screenplay with producers or in competitions. Understandable, but when I read all that stuff I think “this script’s been around the block, hasn’t it, and he STILL feels the need to post it HERE.”

    Most people take free advice in the spirit is given. A small few don’t.

    The best scripts, the best writers can weather criticism and defend their script without resorting to name-calling or baseless accusations.

    Very few of these loglines – at most 10% – could survive in the marketplace.

    Here is the competition, a selection of specs that sold this year. Are these loglines as good as these:

    ALICE
    Logline: Kept under wraps but pitched as a detective noir version of “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.”

    AMOR
    Logline: Two middle-age people each make a last ditch attempt to find love.

    BRINGING, THE
    Logline: A man investigating the mysterious death of Elisa Lam, who was found dead in the water tanks on the roof of the Cecil Hotel, stumbles into a nightmare.

    CAPTAIN NEMO
    Logline: Kept under wraps but centers on Captain Nemo, the genius scientist who patrols the ocean’s depth in his formidable submarine, The Nautilus.

    CONTROLLER, THE
    Logline: Set in the Swiss Alps, follows the story of a veteran U.S. air commando who teams up with a female U.N. officer to hunt down an escaped dictator and avenge the murder of his brother.

    CRICKETS
    Logline: Two estranged brothers. One is an aspiring stand up comic, the other a depressed office drone. The aspiring stand up is dying of a terminal illness. He asks his brother for an unusual last request: to go on stage and perform his material for him to see if he ever really had talent. What he doesn’t reveal, though, is that he has an even surprise in store for his depressed brother.

    DARKNESS
    Logline: When a woman with night blindness is abducted and wakes in a dark place with strangers, she must use only touch and hearing to decide who and what to believe.

    ETERNAL
    Logline: Kept under wraps but said to revolve around the Greek Gods set in modern day in the vein of “The Avengers.”

    FASCINATION 127
    Logline: Pitched as “Ocean’s 11″ meets “Heat.” In order to save his daughter’s life, an ex-con must complete the biggest heist of his career: steal famed musician Jim Morrison’s coffin, find a rumored key to a treasure inside, escape from the crime lord out for his blood, and return the coffin before it is exhumed and sent to the United States in less than 24 hours.

    FORGER, THE
    Logline: An ex-CIA forger, who is living in Istanbul, must return to the world of espionage when his former agency handler turns up dead and a female Iranian intelligence agent needs to defect to the West.

    GARDEN AT THE END OF THE WORLD
    Logline: Centers on a reclusive engineer who, amidst his attempt to save our dying planet by growing trees in what is now a post-apocalyptic wasteland, must also protect an abused girl from the highway men who are hunting her.

    GAY KID AND FAT CHICK
    Logline: Two high school misfits become costumed vigilantes and take out their frustrations on the students who have bullied them throughout high school.

    HOSTAGE
    Logline: It’s a brilliant bank robbery plan, but there’s one contingency no one could have planned for: one of the hostages mysteriously escapes, turning the robbers from hunters to the hunted.

    HOT AIR
    Logline: In the vein of “About a Boy,” a powerful right-wing talk-radio host has the world on a string until the teenage niece he never knew existed shows up on his doorstep.

    I’M IN LOVE WITH THE DJ
    Logline: Centers on a girl whose two best friends tag along on her work trip to Spain that quickly turns into a hunt for a hot DJ.

    KID LEVIATHAN
    Logline: In the vein of “Kick-Ass,” a perpetually bullied 12-year-old uses the fantasy of a Deadwood-like cowboy as a coping mechanism to deal with his middle school enemies.

    MENA
    Logline: The story of famed drug trafficker Barry Seal and the work he did for the Medellin cartel and the CIA in and around Mena, Arkansas.

    MOONFALL
    Logline: Kept under wraps but pitched being in the vein of “Fargo” but set on the moon.

    PURLOINED LETTER, THE
    Logline: Kept under wraps but pitched as modern-day spy thriller inspired by the Edgar Allan Poe short story.

    PUSHING DAISY
    Logline: A young woman learns to break out of her shell and pursue her dreams with the help of a mysterious woman.

    RED ICE
    Logline: A trucker, hauling emergency supplies across the frozen waterways of arctic Canada, must survive an onslaught of mysterious, man-eating creatures.

    RELATIVE TRUTH
    Logline: While searching for her biological parents, a successful African American woman meets an impoverished white woman and her faith healing son who claim to be her true family.

    SAFE CORE
    Logline: Kept under wraps but pitched as a contained thriller with action and military elements in the vein of “Panic Room.”

    SALINGER’S WAR
    Logline: Follows author J.D. Salinger from his early days trying to establish his career in the early 1940s, finally gaining a foothold with his “Catcher in the Rye” character Holden Caulfield, when he leaves to fight in WWII.

    SECURITY
    Logline: A security guard must protect a female witness from a gang of thugs in a mall after communication is knocked out from storm.

    SLINGSHOT
    Logline: Pitched as “The Game” meets “Solaris”, trapped on a hobbled spacecraft, an astronaut struggles to survive not just the mission, but a crew that’s more dangerous than it seems.

    SNOWFALL
    Logline: Centers on a group of Chicago residents trapped on the El during the blizzard of the century which they come to find is a cover for an alien invasion.

    TERRESTRIAL
    Logline: Kept under wraps but pitched as “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” meets “Source Code.”

    THREE TENORS, THE
    Logline: Follows the rise and fall of a fictional trio of internationally beloved operatic superstars.

    UNDERSTAND
    Logline: After being diagnosed with brain damage following a near drowning, a man is given a drug to regenerate his damaged neurons that has the unintended side effect of improving his intellect and motor skills. As he becomes smarter and smarter, he is pursued by government agencies, bringing him into conflict with another super-intelligent test subject.

    UNTITLED DAVID WEIL ARABIAN NIGHTS PROJECT
    Logline: Kept under wraps but being pitched as a re-imagining of “Arabian Nights” with modern times.

    VACATION FRIENDS
    Logline: A wild and crazy couple bonds with a straight-laced couple on vacation in Mexico. They have a great time, but when the straight-laced couple gets back to their normal life, their new friends follow and it’s not nearly the same kind of fun as their vacation friends won’t go away.

    WINTER’S KNIGHT
    Logline: Takes a revisionist look at the origins of Saint Nick and Christmas, mixed with Viking mythology.

    • Erica

      Thank you, this is great insight. Loglines are so important. You have a nature talent for them. Maybe you should hire yourself out and write them for others, as so many seem to struggle with the loglines.

      • Scott Crawford

        Loglines aren’t that difficult. Start with “When” or “After” and always put your HOOK in there.

        • Erica

          hmmm, I think mine are missing the real HOOK part. I will re do.

    • S_P_1

      I see you get the tracking board forums email as well. Honestly I’m not overly impressed with the specs that have sold. Also too many loglines on the tracking board fall under “kept under wraps”.

      Writer refuses to reveal the “Crown Jewels” of his script in the logline, even though anyone reading the first thirty pages would know what they are.
      I think some writers want you to read their script to reveal the “Crown Jewels” versus outright stating it in the logline. Akin to element of suspense / surprise.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Based on these loglines, all my scripts would sell.
      Unfortunately, there are other considerations.

      Here’s one reason why some of them sold:
      Take a look at the Project Greenlight video posted the other day and you begin to
      recognize the importance of budget and genre.
      The studio wanted to make Feast EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW THE SCRIPT WAS SUBSTANDARD and that there were better scripts. Why? Because of budget, its simple genre, and (they thought it would make money).

      • Scott Crawford

        I’ve not seen anything this weekend that would trump CAPTAIN NEMO, ETERNAL, SNOWFALL, WINTER’S KNIGHT. Partly I think because few people seem to be using public domain properties or other well-established ideas like Greek gods or Santa Claus. A few, but not many. And this is what Hollywood seems to want lately: IP.

        I admit that some of the loglines aren’t great, could probably do with a rewrite. I also removed the writer’s names and other clues as to why the specs sold. But they did sell, and that’s why I put them there.

    • Midnight Luck

      wasn’t FASCINATION 127 a writer on Scriptshadow?
      I believe it was posted either for Twit-pitch or a logline contest like this weekends, or possibly the SHORTS week. I remember it got a ton of chatter and interest from SS’rs.

      • Scott Crawford

        Yeah, but it sold so it still counts. Are any of these ideas BETTER than FASCINATION 127.

        Also, one of writers who submitted during Star Wars week recently went out with a spec about Robin Hood meeting The Three Musketeers. Scriptshadow success stories!

        • Midnight Luck

          Yeah, no I wasn’t disagreeing, it is just so cool and interesting that one of these titles was from one of us, and that it sold.

          It is also great to hear that another SS’r had success. I hope it continues and we get to hear more and more of these kind of stories.

          It is a bit sad though, to me, that so many things getting made and picked up are different takes on, or mash ups of, or retelling of classic Fairy tales and stories. There are like 3 or 4 movies coming out by Christmas I believe, which seem to be stories where the entire kitchen sink of Fables and Kids stories are crammed into one movie. I mean we already have ONCE UPON A TIME, but now we are going to get an onslaught via the Movie Theater as well.

          I don’t get jazzed about that stuff like many do. Even the mash ups of Lincoln Vampire Hunter kind of stuff seem desperate and kind of corny to me. And hey, I am in no way putting down the person from SS who made their sale you described, it is a huge feat to finish a script, to get interest in it, to tell a good tale, and to make a sale, so I give them huge congrats.

          I am just saying that I think this kind of thing is going to become too much, just like the proliferation of Spandex movies on the market. I wish there was more interest and more room in the market for all kinds of work. I wish someone could write and make, if not a Great, at least a GOOD, Rom-Com again. That would be something. The only Humor we get in the theater are stupid Adam Sandler movies, or other equally lame and poorly written fare.

          I think though, that society and the public have changed. Too many wars, too much hardship, losing homes, jobs, the struggle of everything, has caused people to reach out to Fantasy movies to help them deal. No one wants to see a SHAWSHANK right now. Hell, I don’t even think people would want to see a RESERVOIR DOGS in the current market. TOO SERIOUS…What doesn’t make sense, is back during the worst hard times and the Great Depression, people actually wanted to go to the movies to escape the harshness, and they wanted to see fun Romances and Rom-Coms then.

          Now everyone is staying home, and only going out in large numbers to see relatively unintelligent mindless fare. GUARDIANS, LEGO MOVIE, things that take very little brain power. But when was the last time anyone saw a good DRAMA in large numbers, or heaven forbid, a Great ROM-COM? The last one that was good I remember was LOVE, ACTUALLY. (2003) Really? 11 years ago!

          • Scott Crawford

            Posted something about this on Monday’s article, along with stuff on treatments. See you over there, if you want. I agree some of this stuff stinks of desperation, but I think you need recognizable elements, you need franchise potential, in at least one of your scripts/pitches, otherwise you’ll stay writing closet screenplays like me.

  • brittany

    Thanks for the feedback, man. Really appreciate it!

  • Russell Davis

    Title: The 80s

    Genre: Drama

    Logline: A young writer grows apart from his friends and family while dealing with the cultural issues of the 80s.

    Why should you read it? This film is written along the lines of Studio 54 and Boogie Nights. It’s a first person point of view story told through the eyes of Victor. Everything that you read is how Victor views his world and situations over a span of ten years. It deals with racism, sex, HIV, and the growing pains of becoming an adult.

    • Scott Crawford

      I don’t need to really even say this – it’s too VAGUE. These are your three ideas:

      Young writer – OK
      Grows apart from his friends and family – Why?
      Cultural issues of the 80s – Vague. Be specific, expand.

      You’ve also got the ideas racism, sex HIV, and the growing pains of becoming an adult. Maybe there’s a way of putting these concepts into your logline.

      A young (black?) man living ( in Boston, in Cleveland?) in a 1980s world of racism, sex, and HIV grows apart from his friends and family as he pursues the career of a writer.

      Not brilliant, but more specific.

      • Russell Davis

        OK, I’ll edit it to make it less vague.

  • Altius

    Hah, ok, grendl. I’ll always thank someone for the time they took to give free feedback, whether that feedback is gold or utter piss.

  • Poe_Serling

    If Carson happens to surprise us with a Halloween-inspired AOW next month, I wouldn’t mind seeing these projects go head to head.

    >>Corridor of Freaks by klmn.

    >>Silver Arrows by Montana Gillis

    >>Violet Sun by David Alexander

    >>Pet by Brittany Lamoureux

    >>__________________________. The fifth slot still open.

    • Scott Crawford

      Yes to a Halloween-themed AOW week. In fact, more themed weeks.

      Comedy week.
      True story/Biopic week.
      Weird week (’cause there are a LOT of weird scripts out there).

    • Craig Mack

      I’ve got a horror spec that is begging for that fifth spot… Submitted the ‘old way’ about a month ago.

      • Poe_Serling

        What’s the logline? Or are you keeping it hush-hush for now?

        • Craig Mack

          I submitted to Carson already — I figured I would give other readers/members a shot.

    • klmn

      Thanks Poe.

    • klmn

      And here’s the model for one of my freaks. The video delays a good look at him for a little over two minutes.

    • klmn

      Why not a week of reviews for Halloween week? Otherwise folks will just be voting on loglines. again

      • Poe_Serling

        Good idea. Hopefully Carson will jump on the bandwagon.

    • klmn

      So far there are 191 downloads of my script, but only a dozen or so people have commented.

      Don’t know if that’s good or bad.

  • SinclareRose

    Maybe: A boy’s video war game zaps him and his dad back to the 1814 Battle of Baltimore….
    Just dropping a few words.

    • steveblair

      i like it, thanks!

  • http://www.linkedin.com/pub/brett-martin/52/702/72 ElectricDreamer

    I’m enjoying Carson’s newest tricks to incite mass chatter on the blog.
    Admittedly, it is very refreshing to have an entire crop of loglines that I dig!
    My choices were solely based on the quality of the loglines presented here.

    AOOD Winner: THE HENCHMAN.
    Honorable Mentions: PET and CHICKIN LICKIN.

    Top Scriptless Loglines…
    MISS UNIVERSE, FORK IN THE ROAD and THE FOURTH HOUSE.

    PET:
    The opener reads smooth. But Evelyn comes off too Teneesee Williams for me.
    Seen that melodramatic combo way too much, it’s a bit cringe worthy.
    Had to go back and re-read about the hanging, emphasize the cord better.

    For a few pages, I thought there was a murder that needed solving.

    Doesn’t make sense the authorities would release Mya so fast.
    That scenario needs trained pros to evaluate Mya first.
    A law enforcement agency would be sued into oblivion if the kid went sideways.
    Nope, not happening in this lawyer happy culture we live in.
    I could see Jake & Mya having a moment together — in a supervised environment.
    That level of breakthrough would justify jumping forward all that time.

    I find Fred’s description just as shark jumpy as Evelyn’s.
    Doesn’t really jibe with the rest of your tempered and intriguing tale.
    Wish I knew more about Jake. What life was he sacrificing for Mya?
    And how will that old job come back into play as the narrative unfolds.
    Sometimes, the script feels like it moves almost too fast through her rehab.

    There were some great connective moments in Jodie Foster’s film, Nell.

    Find myself wishing more of this story was INTERNAL from Mya’s perspective.
    I’d like to see more of how she’s really wounded by her past.
    That would also keep me in touch with the horror elements.
    Since the opener, it’s all small town stuff, nothing horrible happening.
    EXT. ART GALLERY would be the less confusing slug choice for p. 19.

    Some night terrors, but they aren’t enticing/enhancing the mystery.
    It’s just random haunted house tropes and more of the scribble eyes.
    Time to elaborate and innovate on those all too common jump-flashes.
    We should be getting the next set of bread crumbs for the horrific tale you’re telling.
    Stopping at p. 27. I like the scene w/Early, the story’s progressing in a rewarding way.
    Fine effort, I’d read on to see where things go with Early in act two.
    But the script reads much more like a psychological drama than horror flick.

    WEAK CONSIDER.

    CORRIDOR OF FREAKS:
    I don’t get why they need to nab the Housewife. Even she doesn’t know what happened.
    Now you have to cover up a disappearance for a hit and run that no one saw.
    Doesn’t quite track. If things were less vague, it might help the logic.
    Maybe after the cops send her home, they go on the hunt for what she actually hit!
    Later perhaps the Housewife reconsiders and then becomes a legit loose end?

    If you let the reader know the plan, tension can be built when it all goes awry.
    That keeps me turning pages instead of feeling adrift in a scene.
    Your quippy kids don’t really come off as eco-terrorist types at all.
    Those types tend to have strong opinions and underdeveloped senses of humor.
    And I’m not sure if they’re set up this way as part of the dark comedy tropes.

    I don’t really find the snarky kids dark or funny. Mostly sitcom-like.
    Suppose it’s somewhat ironic, considering the recent flick, NIGHT MOVES.
    All the emo-eco terrorists in that film didn’t tell a single joke.
    Your kids talk/sound pretty much the same across the board.
    The magician device is a sex gag. I was hoping for something darker.
    In my mind, I saw eco-terrorists getting some DNA-scrambling comeuppance.

    If the kids really hated the corporate dwarf all along, why not attack him first?
    You should be feeding us Genotexx from the very opener. Not a bunny heist.
    The logline pulled me in, but I’m bailing out here on p. 17.
    Ditch the broad sex comedy and get to Genotexx much sooner.

    PASS.

    SPUR OF THE MOMENT:
    Don’t really feel the ALL CAPS in the opener does you any favors.
    It’s just a song some marketing guy will choose, hardly important.
    Thought the joke was going to be… That kids flips the Bird all the time.
    But complaining about vulgarity then right into the family flip-off, reads odd for me.

    A dozen pages in. I don’t see much hardship for Marty here at all.
    There’s some mild irritation and quips, but not any pressure building or tension mounting.
    I would expect the CONFLICT to really pile on before he blows his stack.
    And I doubt a waiter that valued his job would carry out that snotty request.

    The self-depricating cracks read more sitcom than Midnight Run to me.
    If your story was already happening, these sitcom lapses likely wouldn’t be here.
    Punking your ex in public for no reason. Not making me root for Marty.
    I’m feeling your love for some solid movie tropes, but I want *your* story.
    And then there’s the familiar “radio’s talking to me” scene compounding the issue.

    The booming mantra plays way better if Marty had some REAL PROBLEMS to face.
    But he seems to be the only one standing in his way. Zero conflict there.

    I’m bowing out on p. 20. Though Milo at least is a breath of fresh air for the story.
    But I cringed at the DOUBLE plot convenience gag on the freeway.
    As written, I’m kinda liking Milo a lot better than Marty.
    There’s a lot of COMPLICATIONS on the page, but not a lot of conflict.
    The pages were pretty easy on the eyes, writer’s prose is solid.
    But you must turn the heat up on Marty to enhance the first act.

    PASS.

    CHICKIN LICKIN:
    You’ve teased the cockfighting world twice, but no follow up.
    I’m surprised Emily didn’t engage the rooster owner on the ferry.
    Was hoping we were going to dive into progressive narrative there.
    Darn, I thought for sure that little chick would lead Emily right to the cockfights.

    Josh kinda disappeared since the opener. Are he and Emily close.
    She drifts from scene to scene, zero conflict in your story so far.
    The staccato phrasing feels more appropriate for a thriller.
    For me, the lazy island vibe would play better in complete sentences on the page.

    Carter is the first character that I actively like.
    He manipulates Emily through his disability, that’s juicy human behavior!
    And that behavior led to his GOAL in the scene, get Emily to attend the meeting.
    The PSYCHOLOGY he used to achieve his goal tells me about his character.
    This is the first scene that had a conflict and carried it out well.
    Use this abstract dynamic structure to enhance all your scenes. More of this please.

    I’m shocked that Josh and Emily are a couple. I thought roomies, at best.
    Their early scene had zero chemistry, don’t see why they’re together.
    Don’t see this too often. Josh reads a tad SHREWISH. Very lady like of him.
    He drifts in and out of the story, like a little rain cloud of meh.
    If he had a GOAL other than harping on Emily, I might like him more.

    Referring back to the logline, WIMPISH is not a word I’d use for Emily.
    Josh fits that bill. He’s the passive aggressive question-asker here.
    Emily’s act of kindness is wasted on a douche family. No brownie points for her.
    Why not at least have the water be for thirsty street kids.
    She gets mad at Mustafa for telling the truth. I’m with him in this scene.

    I’m putting the script down on p. 26. The prose reads smooth.
    But Emily is not anchoring your story well. She’s a bit of a whore.
    And she seems to like it, since she won’t go for Josh’s legit job option.
    She’d rather shake her ass for the fat man than face the 9 to 5 crowd.
    That mantra isn’t going to keep me turning pages. Ernesto rocks though.
    Use that MINI-GOAL dynamic w/Carter to pump up your overall scene execution.

    WEAK CONSIDER.

    THE HENCHMAN:
    Got nothing against bolded slugs, but the DOUBLE DASHES are way out of control.
    I can’t get through a simple sentence without them hijacking the script.
    Totally on board with you finding your visual style on the page.
    But it’s time to crank down the volume on those for the sake of your spec.

    Assuming we’re dealing with flashbacks here during the interview.
    If so, these INSERTS should not be treated as part of the linear story.
    Be clearer about your flashbacks and flash forwards out of the gate.
    Couple that with the rampant double dashes, it makes for a bit of a thick read.

    The intercutting undermines the fun of these two scenes for me.
    I’d like to see the interview spread out and have more back and forth.
    There’s room to pick on Arthur much more and reveal his character better.
    I’d consider intercutting the bank heist with an ORIENTATION SEMINAR.
    Can see cutting back to that as Arthur fails his way through the bank action.
    That would ENHANCE the action w/o stepping all over the interview comedy.
    Good ideas here, but the need some distillation and reshuffling to super-pop!

    I’m assuming the moniker Arthur is a reference back to THE TICK?
    If so, the Ben E. I knew back in the N.E. Comics days would likely dig it.
    Would be funnier to me if Lori was in the dark about the new job at first.
    She flips out when Arthur tells her, play the female psychology game here…
    Of course, she’s mad at him, let’s him have it… but it also turns her on a tad.
    He’s out there providing for his family, let that vibe spice up the bland domestic scenes.
    Fun games to be had. I could see Seth Rogen & Rose Bryne in the roles.

    There’s an Austin Powers deleted scene that riffs on the very same concept:

    I’m stopping at page 25. The action set pieces work quite well.
    But the family doesn’t come together much yet. They just lay on the page.
    Perhaps having a SON that idolizes villainy would be a good foil for Arthur?
    He must learn his lessons to prevent his son from making the same mistakes.
    I can get behind the juicy parent/child psychology of an arc like that.
    Still, there’s a lot here to like on the page and the concept is genuinely sharp.

    CONSIDER WITH REVISIONS.

    • Stephjones

      wow! Thanks for taking all that time and for the thoughtful notes! I think I really need to work on the Logline so as to sell exactly what the story is about, which is a young woman who drifts along, basically at the whim of others, until she gets involved in the cockfighting world. She doesn’t fight her chicken but he opens the door to that world and it’s in that world she learns the importance of standing up for herself.
      Best to you, man. Thanks so much!

    • For The Lulz

      Thanks for the pick!

      Yeah, the jury’s out on the double-dashes. Some feedback I’ve got criticized them, and some praised them. Not sure which way to go yet. Disappointed that they make the read HARDER. I put them in to make it EASIER. Lol, that didn’t go to plan. Luckily I have an exact draft without double-dashes, so may revert back to that.

      Good point on using inserts. Wasn’t sure whether they’d be needed, or whether the opening sequence’s back-and-forth would render them unnecessary. I should try it out and see it it improves clarity.

      Yeah, the family could use some attention. They mainly serve as the motivation for Arthur’s actions, and to serve the plot, so you’re right, they might be a bit bland. Making them more 3-dimentional would obviously improve the script, and set it apart more from other action movies. I’ll look into it.

      Thanks for the notes! There’s a lot to ponder on.

      • pmlove

        I’m about half way through – very much enjoying a lot of it, good set pieces and John Steel has some great lines.
        Two comments really:
        1) the montage/sequence – I know this isn’t exactly reality but it seems that Arthur’s day job pretty much stops whilst he becomes amazing at survival/shooting (which must take a while). Be useful to have a frame of reference here.
        2) it feels like a sequence of events, rather than a cohesive narrative at times – there’s not a clear overarching goal for Arthur (other than ‘can’t quit so best get good / stop John Steel [maybe?]’), so it can feel like a sequence of set pieces at times.

        • For The Lulz

          Thanks for the read! Those are good points!

          I planned for Arthur’s overall arc to be that of evolving to become the movie’s hero, but you’re right, and looking at some of the other feedback I’ve received as well, I don’t think this comes through strongly enough.

          Glad you like the script so far, and I appreciate the feedback. Thanks!!!

    • https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/ Jim

      Thanks for the vote of confidence. I have a script, but was just smack in the middle of a polish when this came up and didn’t want to post a link to something that’s being tweaked. Should be done later this week.

    • brittany

      Thanks so much for the honorable mention and the kick-ass notes!

  • For The Lulz

    I think the 3 refers to the Blacklist 3.0. I don’t know. I’m sure I heard some people call the Black List website that. Maybe I just imagined it. I mean the Black List website.

    The script has gained 8 and 9 ratings from evaluations on the site.

  • Scott Crawford

    If it’s a fantasy world, call it fantasy, otherwise people will be confused. Removing some excess verbiage:

    A 17 year-old former slave fights to abolish slavery (where? a fantasy world?) as violence escalates (how?) and she becomes a cold-blooded killer (how and why?).

    The specifics are important. Best of luck!

  • mulesandmud

    Interesting to see the community out in full force. Hope that everyone feels they’re getting something out of this process, logline writers, logline critics, and webmasters alike.

    Best of luck to everyone with their projects.

  • For The Lulz

    Okay, my Top 5 for AOW, based on a mix of loglines, concepts and reads.

    1) Tinseltown, IL
    2) Pet
    3) Chickin Lickin
    4) Young Bucks
    5) Honeymoon From Hell

    ——————————————————————–
    Honorable Mentions.

    1) Cjob3’s Miss Universe – would definitely have been picked if there was a script ready.
    2) Fork in the Road – Based on a true story.
    3) Scott Crawford’s eagerly anticipated spy script – So good, there’s no need for a logline.

    Thanks to everyone who commented on both my loglines. Clearly not my strongest area, but I’m glad it was picked up on, cause now I’m going to work on it till I get it right.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ve already posted my logline. You just didn’t see it.

      • For The Lulz

        The one from 1997 or a different one? There’s so many comments I may have missed it.

        • Scott Crawford

          That’s the point. (Oooh, mysterious!).

    • Stephjones

      Thanks for the vote! Will try and upload a script link today!
      Best to you!

  • S_P_1

    I’d like to pitch short script week. Scripts under 30 pages. Easy to digest and potentially greater comment section participation.

    • Scott Crawford

      Or TV specs – slightly longer than 30 pages, some, but similar concept.

      I’ve pitched outline or treatment week for much the same reason as you suggest – quick to read and more people can comment.

      • S_P_1

        I don’t anticipate 700 hundred people commenting but I think you’ll have a greater participation on AOW.

    • For The Lulz

      I’d like to see First 5 pages. First 10 pages or First 30 pages, rather than a short script week. But that’s just me.

      • S_P_1

        The benefit of a short script is you get a complete story versus a tease to a 100+ page spec script.

        • klmn

          Of course the 100 page script is what the industry runs on.

          Short scripts? You’re talking YouTube.

          Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

      • klmn

        First 10 pages is better than 5. Depending on what structure you use, you can establish character or kick the plot into action.

        With 5 pages you can judge the quality of writing but not much else.

        I’m curious to see what happens with Carson’s dialogue scene contest (3 pages or under).

        • For The Lulz

          Yeah, First 10 is probably better than First 5.

    • SinclareRose

      Hi S_P_1. Carson hosted a Shorts Week last year where he reviewed five great shorts. He also did the “pitch your short” blog here: http://scriptshadow.net/post-your-own-short-scripts/
      Maybe he can turn it into an annual thing?

  • lonestarr357

    I posted here yesterday. Thing of it is that the two or three people who deigned to lower themselves to acknowledge my existence were so busy picking over the logline that not a goddamn one of them bothered to open the PDF. For all the traction I’m getting, I may as well be dealing with genuine script readers. At least, they’ll read your script before telling you that you suck every ball in the universe.

    [/rant]

  • Scott Crawford

    That’s a lot better, now I know it’s set in the medieval world AND the murder of a friend, you’re right, that’s YOUR story. Not sure about turns sour:

    In a medieval world, traumatized by the murder of a friend, a 17-year-old former slave’s fight to abolish slavery is undermined by her own increasing capacity for violence.

    Bit long, but you get the idea.

  • brittany

    Glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, I think you’re right, the open window is a bit of a stretch. I’m going to work on that, so thanks a mil for the observation!

  • brittany

    Thanks, I’m happy that you liked it! :)

  • Patrick

    Title: Military Disco
    Genre: Comedy
    Logline: Two privates try to get themselves kicked out of the Army by pretending they’re gay and starting a dance club, but their plan backfires when the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy is repealed and the military leadership sees it as an opportunity to bolster recruitment.
    WYSR: It’s Stripes meets Saturday Night Fever. I think it’s high time we take a comedic look back at this absurd policy and riff on how silly it was to keep honorable gay men and woman from serving our country. Lord knows I’m too much of a coward to do it.

    • Scott Crawford

      Logline works for me. Title could be less literal, more funny:

      A Few Bad Men
      Don’t Tell, Don’t Ask

      Something like that.

      • lysdexicuss

        Semper-Y-M-C-YAY

        • Dan B

          Okay, this one made me laugh. Reminded me of the “Chick-Fill-HAAAYYY” joke.

  • dawriter67

    Title: The Alien Diaries

    Genre: Science Fiction

    While appraising old and rare books at a restored colonial plantation, a book collector stumbles across a series of diaries that chronicle an alien visitation in 1781.

    Why should you read it? While this was featured on SS four years ago I’ve tried to get it back into AF as a way to revisit the latest draft which has been rewritten a lot since then.

    Those who want to read the latest draft I can reached at gjdevlin@gmail.com

    • Scott Crawford

      I think I remember that logline a while back. It’s a good idea; is it mostly set in 1781, or is it all about the present? Not clear from logline.

      • dawriter67

        Thanks Scott – The story flips between the past and the present and ties up at the end.

        • Scott Crawford

          Gotcha. Figured it was something like that.

    • pmlove

      I gave this a read, but feel like I missed something in the finale about exactly how it all tied together.

      • dawriter67

        Can you share what you missed? Maybe I also missed something, too.. thanks! :-)

        • pmlove

          Sorry for being vague, I read quite a few in a row and they blurred slightly. Part of the reason for the vagueness was that I can’t exactly remember the finer details, so this may well be explained – but I guess I wasn’t clear on [SPOILERS]:

          – Why Colin (or Maddy)?
          – What was the significance of the ending?
          – What was Asher/Bronte trying to achieve?
          – What was the fighter jet/blueprint and why did they need humans to make it?
          – Why do they need to kill Bronte?

          Feel like I might have been in a daze or something…

          One thing I did struggle with was why the alien technology wasn’t suited to their strengths? We see that they can levitate / telekinesis etc but all their technology is predicated on being human accessible (swipe doors, pistols etc). Why not just hit us with drone strikes / telekinetic attacks?

          • dawriter67

            Why Colin (or Maddy)?
            -Asher knew that they would be bringing back Kate and knew that she would need parental figures to ease her into the 21st century.
            Asher carried the burden of Kate’s abduction and wanted to redeem himself.
            -The blueprint was what the Aliens wanted. Only Asher (and his race) had the ability to build it. He had it stored in his mind and the aliens wanted it the technology. There was never any indication that humans were to build it.
            -there was no indication they were going to kill Bronte – they wanted him to build that device so they came back and gave back Kate in exchange for Bronte’s surrender.

  • Stephjones

    Been thinking about this idea for awhile, any potential?

    Title: Women Troubles
    Genre: comedy
    Logline: Three female malcontents, who think women have superpowers during the week of PMS, plot for world dominion using menstrual synchrony

    Can’t quite nail down the plot yet. Any ideas?

    • Scott Crawford

      I wouldn’t say “think”, I would go with “discover”.

      Three women discover they have superpowers during their “time of the month”, and use their “menstrual powers” to take over the world.

      The term PMS I think is not as funny as euphemisms like “time of the month” or “a visit from Aunt Flow”, etc.

      • Stephjones

        Yay, Scott!
        To be clear, they don’t actually have superpowers, they just think they do. And it’s definitely PMS, not during, but the week before.
        It’s to somehow be a metaphor for women who need to find better ways for coping and establishing self esteem as they age. Do you want to have this conversation? Cause if you do, I’ll appreciate it from a mans POV.

        • Scott Crawford

          I get it; actually, that’s funnier. It gives them the confidence to try and take over the world. But only for a few days.

          • Stephjones

            Well, they’re always confident that they can but they’re convinced that they peak during the week of PMS. Some conflict arises from them also being perimenopausal.
            :)
            ( you don’t have to hang on there if you don’t want to;)

    • Linkthis83

      tagline: BEST. WEEK. PERIOD.

      • Stephjones

        Clever, Link!

    • Meta5

      No ideas for a plot but there’s something there – keep developing. Beside the obvious appeal to women, I think many men would be interested in seeing this too. Good luck.

    • SinclareRose

      Sounds hilarious. My husband says I do that anyway.

    • Midnight Luck

      It’s like that cartoon Wonder Twins. With their catching saying “Wonder Twins Power, ACTIVATE!”.

      Have you ever seen it?
      You should check it out. It is a very old cartoon, so you might be able to get some ideas from it and it wouldn’t seem too obvious. Or not.

      For some reason your Logline made me think of them.

      They can only use their superpowers when they fist bump each other (in fact it is thought that they are the actual originators of the fist bump as we know it). Then it activates.

      So what would these women do to “activate” their powers? I can only imagine.

      http://superfriends.wikia.com/wiki/Wonder_Twins

      • Stephjones

        Thanks for that but the women only THINK they have superpowers. As childhood friends they learn to exxagerate certain manipulative behaviors which are typical during PMS…things like anger, sadness, hunger (which turns into libido.) they conclude they have a sort of power when they use these behaviors, which peaks during PMS. They hone these powers as they grow up, convinced they are super powers, for a week out of the month.
        I think I could have some fun with this and ground it, too. Kinda explore some issues that can arise for women as they age who lose self esteem, etc because they’ve put too much emphasize on appearance or sexual attractiveness. Their SUPERPOWERS disappear with menopause. Now what do they do?
        Curious what you think, ML.

        • Midnight Luck

          I could really see this. Make it so they believe so much in it giving them powers, then present it to the reader / audience in a way that also makes it seem like they actually do have super powers. Then, as it comes nearer to the end, everyone finds out, that no, they didn’t really, unless you consider their absolute TRUE belief in themselves to be a super power. That THEY themselves did almost super human feats because they believed they could.
          Or something along those lines.
          I think you could play off so many beliefs and everyday things people take for granted, or ideas we just take as old hat.
          I think it could be a lot of fun to play off these tropes.
          Awesome. I say Go For It.

          • Stephjones

            Thanks! You can see what I’m kinda going for!

        • Meta5

          I really like this – lots of possibilities, mass appeal, timeless, hasn’t been done. I could never write it b/c I’m a dude (then again, a take from a guy’s pov has lots of possibilities, maybe you should consider a male writing partner).

          Either way, I think many men would be interested in seeing this even if they wouldn’t admit it to their buddies. Personally, it’s a subject I’d like to know more about and it’s something that the females in my life have not willing talked about with me. (Seriously, how many guys, now matter how sensitive and understanding, talk to their partners about their period or menopause?) And it’s something I’m reluctant to ask about. And the few times it does come up, I don’t want to hear it, (I become like a kid, sticking my fingers in my ears) even though I do want to empathize and understand. Know what I mean?

          But a movie – maybe I could glean a bit of info. even if it’s not a hundred percent true to life – it could be an ice breaker, break some barriers, I could digest the subject in an entertaining way, from a safe distance, thus making it easier to digest in real life. ?

          I hope you write and get this made. Good luck!

  • charliesb

    You are amazing!

    • Bluescreen

      Nah, just a guy with too much time on my hands lol. Thanks, glad it was helpful.

  • charliesb

    Love this title. Script link?

    • Robert Harmon
      • charliesb

        Hey Robert, I finally got around to reading your script. I have to be honest, the first few pages didn’t really speak to me, I was disappointed to find that your title was more literal than I expected and the Cain & Abel story opening almost made me give up…

        But thank HOLY HELL I didn’t.

        The next about 50 pages of this script are some of the best damn writing and story telling I’ve read on this site in a long time. I’m serious, I was smiling like an idiot the whole time. Attica, the X9, Orson all really really amazing work. The dialogue was great, the goal was clear, a few times I thought you were going to go in one direction and you went in another. I cannot stress enough how much I loved the middle part of this script.

        The third act need some work (which you’ve already said it’s a work in progress) but I can totally see this as a Hollywood film.

        I would watch the shit out of this movie…. buuuuuut, (there is always a but) I think to really take this to the next level, you’ll need to do something I don’t think you’re going to want to do. You’re going to have to take out some of the religious stuff. Well maybe not take out, more like tone down. Draw your parables but maybe keep it more nebulous.

        I have some ideas and suggestions I’d like give you, but I really want to read it again first. I will hit you up again in the next few days.

        Again GREAT WORK Robert! I really think you have something here.

        Good luck with it!

        • Robert Harmon

          Thank you so much! Your encouragement means a lot to me.
          Admittedly, a lot of themes are heavy-handed. I have a habit of laying things on thick in early drafts and then whittling them down until they’re integrated more organically.
          Hit me up any time and thanks again!

        • Robert Harmon

          Hey man – keep me posted on that feedback. Would love some notes now before I finalize the new draft.

          • charliesb

            Hey, I’m sorry, I’ve been swamped at work, and then came down with the flu. I’ll put something together today and get it out to you.

  • charliesb

    Whew, I did it. 823 comments (with about 400 from Scott – jk)

    I’m not going to comment on the quality of the log lines, besides cjob3‘s which I think most of us agree was the best, I left a few when the plot interested me. But I ended up downloading:

    Returns
    On the Sparrow
    UntitledTransporterProject
    A Time to Die
    Silver Arrows
    The Scarab

    There were others that were as well (or even better) written, but these (or their authors) pulled me more than the others and had links up. I’ll report back.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’ve tried to count how many comments I made, but I lost track. Between 150 and 200 is my best guess!

      My take on this weekend is that it was an opportunity for people whose scripts had failed to make AOW – based probably on their title, logline, and WYSR – to pitch their ideas and get feedback. Some will get their scripts read.

      The most popular scripts – with a few exceptions – I would say arrived within the first 12 hours. These were mainly the Scriptshadow regulars. I enjoyed playing movie mogul and script consultant this weekend, and now I can go back to being a full-time carer for my dad again! But it was fun.

      I would URGE people – including myself, if one can urge oneself – to keep writing new scripts. Quantity. Not every script idea is going to be gold. Don’t be afraid to pitch a logline to a friend BEFORE writing the script.

      I’ve noticed that SOME writers APPEAR to have been hawking the same script for some time; lots of talk about how well it’s done in competitions, or which producers were once attached to it. I understand why people do that. Your passion for your project – my passion for my project – is important, but sometimes you can spend too long with one script.

      I’ve said it lots of times, people (like you, Charlie) are only downloading the scripts based on the pitches they liked. As Malibu Jack said a week or so back, some people are BEGGING people to read their script rather than getting them to WANT to read their script. Big mistakes are leaving out the main HOOK or most original element (unique selling point, etc.) out of the logline, not wanting to reveal KEY INFORMATION in the logline, even though that information could benefit the logline.

      If it’s a comedy (or a Dark Comedy as I kept reading in the genre section) then the logline needs to be funny. The title SHOULD tell us it’s a comedy.

      And since my own logline seems to have passed inspection, I’m rather pleased.

      Anyway, that’s enough from me. How was everyone else’s experience of AOOD?

      • Erica

        Some sound advise Scott.

        I think from my perspective I didn’t set the hook right. I wanted people to read the script without giving away too much. That’s not the best way to go about it. Without the “sales” pitch there is nothing other than a title to entice the read. Kind of like going to a video store (back when they had those) and trying to rent a movie in which there was no cover, no writing, just a title. Which movie would you watch? Me, I would go to another store.

        So this was a lot of fun this weekend, I hope we get to do this again soon. Thanks All.

      • charliesb

        I hope you know I was just teasing. :)

        Wether or not people agree with all your advice, I applaud you for attempting to give every writer some feedback.

        And I agree with your comments about the HOOK, and KEY INFORMATION. In general I think society has become to hung up on the idea of “spoilers” but there is a way to explain ‘The Sixth Sense’ that tells us the hook without giving away the twist. All log lines should attempt to do the same.

      • Malibo Jackk

        Who is Malibu Jack?

        • Scott Crawford

          Your evil cousin.

          Malibo Jackk…. got it.

        • Midnight Luck

          Damn that Malibu Jack, keeps sneaking in and messing with everything.

    • Scott Crawford

      Sorry if this is a double-post. F—ing Disqus.

      I’ve tried to count how many comments I made, but I lost track. Between 150 and 200 is my best guess!

      My take on this weekend is that it was an opportunity for people whose scripts had failed to make AOW – based probably on their title, logline, and WYSR – to pitch their ideas and get feedback. Some will get their scripts read.

      The most popular scripts – with a few exceptions – I would say arrived within the first 12 hours. These were mainly the Scriptshadow regulars. I enjoyed playing movie mogul and script consultant this weekend, and now I can go back to being a full-time carer for my dad again! But it was fun.

      I would URGE people – including myself, if one can urge oneself – to keep writing new scripts. Quantity. Not every script idea is going to be gold. Don’t be afraid to pitch a logline to a friend BEFORE writing the script.

      I’ve noticed that SOME writers APPEAR to have been hawking the same script for some time; lots of talk about how well it’s done in competitions, or which producers were once attached to it. I understand why people do that. Your passion for your project – my passion for my project – is important, but sometimes you can spend too long with one script.

      I’ve said it lots of times, people (like you, Charlie) are only downloading the scripts based on the pitches they liked. As Malibu Jack said a week or so back, some people are BEGGING people to read their script rather than getting them to WANT to read their script. Big mistakes are leaving out the main HOOK or most original element (unique selling point, etc.) out of the logline, not wanting to reveal KEY INFORMATION in the logline, even though that information could benefit the logline.

      If it’s a comedy (or a Dark Comedy as I kept reading in the genre section) then the logline needs to be funny. The title SHOULD tell us it’s a comedy.

      And since my own logline passed inspection, I’m happy.

      Anyway, that’s enough from me. How was everyone else’s experience of AOOD?

    • r.w. hahn

      thank you Charliesb…If you haven’t read it yet, I have since uploaded the latest version at 135 pages….hope you enjoy it….RW

      • charliesb

        Honestly you had me at “Western”, (which I’ve been obsessed with as of late),
        just finished The Return and will crack yours open after I watch the finale of Happy Valley.

    • SinclareRose

      Wow, thank you so much, charliesb! I hope you find time to take a look at it. If you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them – sinclarerose at yahoo dot com.

    • 7HB7

      Thanks for downloading A Time to Die. I hope to hear your feedback.

  • Caleb Yeaton

    Thanks, Will. I remember your review was one of the most helpful I received on Tinseltown back in the day – really helped me get the pacing right and encouraged me to cut some very unnecessary scenes.

  • Caleb Yeaton

    Thanks for doing this! I missed On The Sparrow the last time I was skimming the comments, and it’s right up my alley.

    • r.w. hahn

      Hi Caleb….Please see the latest link for On the Sparrow above. It is a newer version than when it was first posted….Thanks again…Hope you enjoy it….

      • Caleb Yeaton

        Done and done – just sitting down to read it now.

        • r.w. hahn

          cool. thank you very much…

        • r.w. hahn

          did I lose you?

          • Caleb Yeaton

            Nope, I forgot Boardwalk Empire premiered tonight – just sitting down to check into it right now! Probably have to finish tomorrow. Stupid early work. I’ll post back with my thoughts.

  • pmlove

    Re: Best of AF

    Had some time off, been plowing through as many as possible in time for today’s deadline. Some good scrips out there.

    Special mention to REUNION for keeping me entertained at the airport at 5am on 3 hours sleep. Got to be a good sign.

  • dawriter67

    This is one more I’m pulling from my sock drawer:

    Title: Forever Young
    Genre: Comedy/Fantasy
    Logline: An 80-year-old security guard accidentally drinks an experimental youth potion. Complications arise when there is no way of stopping the ungrowing process.

    Why should you read it? There was a script called forever young written by JJ Abrams in the last century so I took my title back. :-) This is not a Benjamin Button film by any means – just a fun comedy.

    script available of course via gjdevlin@gmail.com

  • r.w. hahn

    Thank you for this… This in now the link for On the Sparrow.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/5m9pu77itmgr187/On_the_SparrowV.2.pdf

    • Bluescreen

      Thanks, I updated the post with the new link.

      • r.w. hahn

        Cool….I appreciate you….Hope you get a chance to check it out

      • r.w. hahn

        I think the new post is funky….it doesn’t go straight to the script for some reason

        • Bluescreen

          Just tried it, it works for me. Try it again, if it still doesn’t work let me know we’ll figure something out…

          • r.w. hahn

            now it works. Thanks again

          • r.w. hahn

            You’re right….thanks again….

  • Gregory Mandarano

    Wow guys. Go away for a few days and there’s 800 comments. Its like a book unto itself! Cant wait to look at some of these pitches.

  • lysdexicuss

    Home Team Fix

    Comedy

    Mob Families get more than they bargained for when they blackmail a
    Female College Professor into Coaching the Philly Independents in a
    New League created specifically to fill a financial void for Bookies
    & Bettors during an NFL Player strike.

    WYSR: It gave my Granma a fart-attack on page 94.

    https://www.sendspace.com/file/6otd0c

  • writebrain

    I’m going to start writing a new script this fall, and wanted to test the logline/idea on here.

    Title: Keep Talking
    Genre: Thriller
    Logline: A Mexican drug cartel punishes an arrogant, loudmouth snitch by planting a voice activated bomb inside his throat, and the only way for him to keep the device from detonating is to constantly keep talking non stop.

    Why You Should Read It(when it’s finished): It’s like Speed, but inside a person’s throat. No, I thought it’d be fun to do a commercial thriller with a nice, marketable hook, and this premise is what I came up with. I’ve done my outline and am ready to start writing. Hope you guys like the premise/logline.

    • brenkilco

      I was thinking you need a one word title for your thriller, like ‘Speed’. But I guess ‘Loquacity’ doesn’t quite cut it. Curious to see how you manage it. Between actual interactions what does our hero do, recite the alphabet to himself over and over? And of course when he does talk to someone else he would have to keep talking over them even when he’s trying to listen. He couldn’t eat or drink or sleep so you’ve got time constraints. Sounds potentially unbearable, but you say you’ve thought it through so I’d love to see the result. The ultimate dialogue driven thriller. And you’re going to be writing a lot of it.

      • writebrain

        Yeah, there are a lot of things that are going to go wrong for the MC, in addition to the endurance test of constantly having to talk.

        • Meta5

          I like the hook. You’ve probably already considered the reverse – if the snitch talks, the bomb explodes. Hmm, I’d have to think about this more but I think I’d go with your original idea too. Lots of possibilities either way – glad you’re writing it and not me. At least, it will be a great writing exercise. Good luck.

    • Kirk Diggler

      It sounds like a comedy, not a thriller. If a Mexican drug cartel wanted to punish a snitch, there are about 1000 other things that they would do first. It sounds too gimmicky. The bomb-in-the-throat thing needs to make sense if it’s a thriller.

      and honestly…. how can you have scenes with other characters if you main character can NEVER stop talking? You gonna use overlapping dialogue? Because that will grow tiresome quick. Like within 3 pages. Think this out a little more.

      It’s one of those ideas that sound good in a bar when you’re drunk with your friends at 2am. Then when you sober up the next morning, reality hits. I don’t think this idea is workable. And a snitch is not a likable character to build a story around. Don’t mean to sound harsh…. but unless you make this a comedy and give a better reason why anyone would go to all the trouble to make a throat bomb…. I just don’t see it.

      • writebrain

        believe me, it makes sense.

        • b

          I’m gonna have to agree with Kirk. That logline comes off way more like a comedy than a thriller. Like Kirk stated, it’s just too gimmicky to be a well-executed thriller. Now if you’re gonna throw some comedy in it, it can possibly be good. And also, I don’t even know how well this film could be executed actually. A main character who talks non-stop? How would any other characters be able to talk? He would be talking over them every second. And trust me, that would get old QUICK. And you better be extremely good at writing dialogue, if you’re gonna have a script like this.

          All in all, Kirk is right. Sounds more like something that sounds good when you’re drunk, but would be nearly impossible to execute (unless you’re the next coming of Sorkin or Tarantino or something). No offense. Just giving criticism. Good luck, though!

          • writebrain

            It’s not a comedy, and i don’t plan on executing it as a comedy, but I do think that there is something darkly funny about the specific situation. The tone I’m going for would be more like Training Day, actually, in terms of mood. But, because the set up and situation IS ridiculous, I think there could be plenty of humorous scenes without having to sacrifice a dark tone, imo. Like you said, we shall see!

    • klmn

      Now that Robin Williams is gone, who could do it?

      Maybe Eddie Murphy.

    • Midnight Luck

      Sounds like CRANK, only the guy should just take some Speed while learning how to become an Auctioneer. That would keep them talking nonstop.

      My only question about the log line is WHY? I don’t see a reason for any of this happening. Where is the center of the story? I understand the WHAT. This Logline is telling us what is happening, but not the why.

      • writebrain

        First of all, thanks for the feedback everyone; and yes, Crank is an apt comparison, although I’m looking for a tone that’s more similar to Training Day.

        As far as the reason why, it’s really two things: In the criminal culture, snitches are seen in a really negative light, almost as low as child molesters. Snitches are also paid for their information in some cases, and can actually make a living doing so. This is a serious violation of the “street code”.

        The cartels have gotten extremely brazen in their attempts to intimidate competition and the police; whole towns have been wiped out, rival dealers have been beheaded and had their heads thrown onto the floors of nightclubs(look it up, it’s unreal). Some cartels have their own music artists, who have been kidnapped and killed by rival cartels(a movie in itself).

        My fictional cartel is simply wanting to up the stakes in the intimidation game, by making an example of anyone who would snitch against the organization, in an extremely over the top and creative way. They have the resources(billions of dollars) to make this happen, and are taking the concept of beheading to a whole new level, to let everyone know not to f*ck with the cartel.

        Hope that explains the why. I also invoke the “it’s a movie” excuse lol

  • charliesb

    Well I read it….

    A few things, and then if you want to get into deeper discussion or whatever you have my email.

    First off, you can write. Aside from a few pieces of dialogue that felt OTN or unnecessary, (and what I think might have been a typo in your opening sex scene), your characters sounded like real people.

    At first I was picking up a “The Missing” vibe, but as things started to get going, I really started to feel a “Mad Max”, crazy 70’s exploitation film vibe, which I loved. But things started to fall apart for me in the 3rd Act, which I’ll get to in a minute.

    If you want to expand this a bit and publish it as a novel, you’ll get a following no problem. You can expand the sex, slow down the action, dig deeper into the characters and perhaps turn this into a series.

    But if you want to turn this into a feature film (that’s not directed by Rob Zombie*) you’re going to have to tone it down a bit. And by that I’m talking more about the writing than the actual violence – though you should probably tone that down a bit too (opening on semi conscious sex might turn off more than a few readers). Your descriptions of the Infectid’s and their particular brand of violence might be a bit much for the average movie goer/reader, and some of it seems a little implausible. For example Maggie is brutally raped, but less than an hour later she’s riding horseback into to town to back up her husband – OUCH. Your dialogue is great, but the flow kept getting interrupted by your descriptions. I think it’s a little over written.

    So as I was saying the third act is where you started to lose me. I really liked the first two acts, we have a “post apocalyptic” world, a family trying to get by, a kidnapping, and a posse off to save her. We enter the strange world of the Infectid’s and learn a bit about their way of life and a bit about the town of Paradise.

    If the goal stays with simply rescuing Doe, then I think this sort of half explained world works, we don’t really need to know all the details, because we are focused on the set pieces and characters. Paradise, Alamo, the convoy, the auction, the Chinaman’s. We are given hints of what happened in the past, but since we are focused on the rescue of Doe, that’s enough.

    But when you moved into the 3rd act and started explaining the Infectids, Lucas and the war with the White Army, I lost site of the goal. I stopped picturing, dusty landscapes, and the Chinaman’s opium den. I started to trying to understand what was going, why were the Infectids living apart from the others, what caused the infection, who was this White army? If the people in Paradise knew about these marauding Infectid’s why were they not ready for them. Why is everyone so damn concerned about getting a woman?

    Then you introduced the Shane/Lori/Rick story line from Walking Dead, and my eyes just about rolled up into the back of my head. If I can get you to change one thing in this script it’s this. In the end your reveal about Lucas, negated all the back and forth between Maggie and John anyway.

    So overall I’d rework the last half of your story. Since the goal is to get Doe, the film should end on getting Doe. If you want a huge showdown to happen at the same time that’s fine, but maybe keep it between the Infectids and the people of Paradise and leave the White Army out of it. And don’t put 30+ pages between you resolving your main conflict and the end of the film.

    BTW: Alamo’s line “If you’re late, masturbate.” Made me laugh hard. With some tuning, he could become a really great antagonist.

    *No offense to anyone who like Rob Zombie films.

    • LIMAMA

      Thanks for the comments. This is a script you either love or hate. And I wrote it before THE WALKING DEAD became a meme. I’ll shoot you an e-mail. :)

  • Logic Ninja

    877 comments… that is impressive. I thought about posting something, but then I was like…877 comments. Holy shit. Am I even talking to anyone right now? Does anyone see this?

    This is worse than how I spend the rest of my time, talking to a foot-square space on my bedroom wall. Seriously, the paint’s yellowing from my breath.

    Ok, whatever, I’m hitting “Post as Logic Ninja.” Make it 878.

    • Guest

      I C U

  • Sebastian Cornet

    If you got reads, that’s great. Personally, I believe you cram too many things in one sentence. You know your story better, of course, but I would ask you to consider finding a way to add the eating disorder angle to make the logline come alive.

    • Meta5

      I agree, Sebastian, it’s a long, clunky sentence and it doesn’t capture what I’m going for. I’ll try to adjust. Thanks!

  • Meta5

    I read the first twenty three and am looking forward to reading the rest this week. Your writing style is effective – I had no problems visualizing and understanding what was happening.

    The opening scene is great! A small but important detail – police must announce themselves when entering residences/bashing down doors etc. If not, whoever is inside can shoot them and claim they thought it was an intruder and it would stand up in court. So it’s something they would definitely not overlook – pretty sure it’s required by law, too, and not something they do just to protect themselves.

    Anyway, it’s an easy fix, and I don’t think it would detract from the scene at all.

    Also, I think another poster pointed this out though I can’t find the post – a girl in Mya’s condition would likely spend substantial time in psychiatric care before being released into anyone’s care. Maybe there would be circumstances where this wouldn’t happen. Okay, I’ll but it. But certainly her collar would be removed in hospital, at least.

    Still fairly easy fixes and not enough to deter me from reading on – the rest is good to strong.

    I’ll provide more notes if they come up…

    • brittany

      Glad it’s an easy read for you so far! Thanks for the heads up on the police needing to announce themselves. I think I’ll throw in a quick “POLICE!” or something like that before they bust in. I greatly appreciate that observation.

      As for Mya needing to spend some time in psychiatric care — Yeah, the awesome ElectricDreamer brought that up as well and I totally agree. So, I’m happy you brought it up because more than one person mentioning it definitely shows it’s an aspect that needs a slight reworking. I’m gonna get right on it!

      Can’t say thank you enough and I hope you enjoy the rest of the script!

      • Meta5

        I finished reading Pet and don’t have any more corrections – good job!

        I don’t have any real notes to offer. If I was writing based on your hook, the story would be totally different but that doesn’t mean it would be better or increase its chances of getting made into a movie.

        But I would’ve liked to see more commentary on society and human nature from Mya’s point of view. How nonsensical would our world seem to her? Maybe it would be better to live as a pet than to live in our messed up society, or follow silly human rules and rituals?

        Anyway, you have a marketable hook, an easy to read script, and I was compelled to keep reading – that says a lot, I bail early on many scripts. Good luck!

  • dazz

    i have a porno script i’m planning on submitting to brazzers. anyone care to take a look at the logline? thx

    • cjob3

      cjob3(AT)hotmail

  • bex01

    Damn ‘The Henchman’ link is empty. Was keen to read!

    • Bluescreen

      Looks like the writer, For The Luiz, took it down. You could always try replying to the original post to see if he could put up a new link or email it to you.

  • websters

    Hi Jadie,

    Glad to hear you are interested, a copy should be sitting in your inbox now.

    Thanks!

  • Guest

    Hi Jadie,

    A copy should be with you now, thanks for your interest!

  • r.w. hahn

    Thank you again for not only reading but your thorough and well thought out comment. I really appreciated it…I will obviously continue to revisit the script and take into consideration what you have pointed out…..Great stuff…..

  • steveblair

    great notes, thanks DavydSC!

  • MHellstrand

    Rather late to this. Being from another country makes it a bit more difficult.

    Title: TRUNK

    Genre: Comedy

    Logline: After a robbery gone wrong, a non-cursing criminal and her partner steals a car with a kidnapped man in the trunk and becomes the target of two rival gangs.

    Why You Should Read: It’s a fast paced comedy with two female leads. I wrote a movie I’d watch with characters I’d watch. And if that doesn’t help you?

    I’m from Sweden. Yep. The land of Ikea and Ingmar Bergman. Just a heads up.

    http://www.mediafire.com/view/z67b5zhoq7ovgdz/TRUNK_08.31.2014.pdf

  • ChadStuart

    Why the question mark after platonic? Are you not sure if they’re platonic or not?

  • cjob3

    Wow, thanks, pepper! That means a lot. Handy Andy is still probably my favorite idea. Hoping it finds its way into the right hands someday.

  • Lucid Walk

    TITLE: The Dead and the Drawn

    GENRE: Western/Horror

    LOGLINE: As the Old West is overrun by an ever-growing outbreak of zombies, a lone gunslinger reluctantly escorts a group of ragtag survivors to sanctuary.

    WHY YOU WILL READ IT: It’s the tried-and-true, harrowing, horrifying tale of random people working together to survive the zombie apocalypse. It just so happens to take place during the period of six-shooters, lawless individuals and colonization of the American Frontier. So keep in mind, it’s as much a western as it is a zombie flick. And given the western hasn’t been the most amiable of genres recently, I’m hoping to breathe life (no pun intended) back into it with this cross-genre adventure (but of course, not in the same manner Cowboys and Aliens had attempted).

    Unfortunately, it’s still under revision. But I promise to have it posted sooner than Halloween, when all the other scary screenplays are released.

  • Russell Davis

    Title: P.A.M.

    Genre: Action/Horror

    Logline: When a small town is overrun by a cannibalistic outbreak a small group of survivors attempt to find a cure inside a military hospital that have the infected trapped inside.

    Why should you read it? This is a different take on the zombie genre. Lots of action, humor, and yes zombies, gore, and mayhem. It’s an ensemble cast following the events that happened in the town and inside of the hospital. It’s a quick fun read that many horror fans enjoyed.

    • b

      why spoil in your logline the fact that infected people are inside? I think it works fine as “After their small town is overrun by a viral outbreak, (# of survivors) find sanctuary inside an abandoned (is it abandoned, i don’t know) military hospital but soon discover they aren’t alone.”

      toy around with a bit. that’s not perfect, but its somethin

      • Malibo Jackk

        Sounds much better.

  • r.w. hahn

    Hi Charliesb….Again I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and comment..also, I went back and rewrote the script to get the Inciting Incident in earlier, and Sparrow Bounty Hunting sooner…the result is a 118page script which I have now put up in the link http://www.mediafire.com/view/rhqntnu1n1vjmcp/On_the_SparrowV.3.pdf

    or you can email me at randall@rwhahn.com and I will shoot it to you…would like to get your take if you have the time….either way….really appreciate what you’ve done and with the gracious demeanor you critiqued it with. So many on here are filled with vitriol that you were a refreshing breath of air….:)

    • charliesb

      Thank you for saying so. It’s a fine line between offering advice and cutting something up – and though I’ve occasionally crossed the line, I try (or try to try) to be as polite as possible. I think sometimes peoples passion’s get the best of them and their feedback comes back a little harsh, but sometimes even that angry comment has a nugget of truth in it.

      That you’re willing to take advice and make changes speaks volumes about yourself, a lot of people get really attached their “vision” and are resistant to changing anything but a perfunctory line or two.

      I still have 3 of the scripts I downloaded to get to but will check out your new version once I get through those.

      Good luck!

      • r.w. hahn

        Great. Thank you….It’s hard to pour your guts and souI into something then expose it to the whipping post. But I try to put on a producer’s hat and listen to the criticism that way. It’s still hard, but a good writer is an honest writer.
        And that’s what I strive to be…

      • r.w. hahn

        BTW…It is a “faith-based” western and has been written to meet certain criteria for that audience. The challenge in that, is making it real world, authentic to it’s time period and its genre, and of course to my faith, and not cheesy, hokey, or preachy, like so many faith based movies out there.

        Hopefully, IF I accomplished that, it will be a story that crosses over to the secular audience as well.

  • Dan J Caslaw

    Went in just meaning to read a few pages and ended up reading to the end. You did a great job in setting up and playing out a situation you know isn’t going to go well, kudos for that. It reminded me a little of Lucky McKee’s ‘May’ (particularly Chad and Tina, who made me think of the asshole couple that May shares an elevator with).

    One niggle, though. I noticed that a couple of times, the heroine’s described as ‘cringing’ when she tastes food she doesn’t like. I’d say ‘grimace’ is the better word (and perhaps it was on the tip of your tongue). ‘Cringing’ says the heroine’s embarrassed – by food?

    But that’s exceedingly minor. This NEEDS to be in the AF running.

    • brittany

      Awesome, glad you stuck with it to the end! I’m a fan of Lucky Mckee, but I haven’t seen “May” in so long. I recall she sprays a dead cat with air freshener, which is pretty hilarious. Ha, that’s all I can remember from that movie off the top of my head. I need to go watch it again to refresh my memory, so thanks for bringing that up.

      I appreciate the cringe/grimace note. You’re right, she needn’t be embarrassed by her food, haha. Thank you so much!

  • Malibo Jackk

    May be using too many comparisons.
    (Not sure about the American Graffitti or Slumdog Millionaire of horror.)
    Prisoners meets Hunger Games sounds interesting.

  • Ron

    A producer suggested I submit my screenplay for comment so here goes, hope that I am not too late:

    Title: Billy Mitchell: Rebel General
    Genre: Drama
    Logline: In 1924 when Army General Billy Mitchell predicted a Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, they fired him. When he told the public the truth about the next war, they court-martialed him. But whatever they tried, they never stopped him.
    Why You Should Read: It’s a true story. Driven by the death of his brother in a decrepit WWI American airplane, Billy Mitchell embarks on a singular goal, the creation of a separate Air Force, independent of Army bureaucratic control and with its own advanced airplanes built for attack, not defense.

    To reach his goal, Mitchell must overcome the Army, the Navy, a messy divorce and his own ego. It’s a great “against-all-odds” story. Probably the most related film is Patton, which received seven Academy awards including Best Picture. But Billy Mitchell goes beyond Patton. Mitchell isn’t satisfied with his success in defeating Germans during WWI. In his efforts to create an independent air force and prevent another world war, Mitchell writes unauthorized articles in the New York Times and testifies against his superiors in Congressional hearings. While Mitchell pays the ultimate price by becoming the first general officer ever court-martialed by the Army, his vision for an independent Air Force is accomplished when his WWII predictions come true.

  • Meta5

    Dude, are you drunk or high? That’s not a logline. But after reading the WYSR, I kinda get it – it’s kinda like Glee if Glee was cool and had some integrity. This is def. a TV show. You could do three seasons just using Rush songs!

  • LaughDaily

    That’s Great David! Thanks. I like it! Love the romantic implication.