NOTE: THE SCRIPTSHADOW NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN SENT! CHECK YOUR SPAM AND PROMOTIONS FOLDERS IF YOU DIDN’T RECEIVE!

amateur offerings weekend
It’s a delicious screenwriting Saturday.  Not only are you getting today’s offerings, and not only are you getting your daily reminder to enter the Scriptshadow 250, but later tonight, the Scriptshadow Newsletter will be hitting your mailboxes.  Yaaaaay!!!  And I’ll be reviewing a certain high-profile screenplay that is guaranteed to become one of the biggest movies ever.  So make sure to check your SPAM and PROMOTIONS folders later tonight.  And if you’re not yet signed up to receive the newsletter, you can do so here!

Title: Miss Universe
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy
Logline: A vapid beauty queen is abducted by aliens who think her title means she’s Earth’s ambassador to the universe.
Why You Should Read: It’s “Galaxy Quest” meets “Legally Blonde.” Deep space has never been more shallow (Carson note: When everyone pitched their ideas on “pitch your script day,” this idea shot to the top of the list!)

Title: Time to Forget
Genre: Action/Thriller
Logline: A CIA agent whose memory has been erased is given four hours to assassinate the President of Palestine, but when he starts to doubt the validity of his mission, he finds himself hunted by authorities and mercenaries alike as he races to discover his true identity.
Why You Should Read: In the past Carson has written that theme and message are what tie a story together. In that sense, I’ve tried to knit this script up as tightly as possible. Rather than use amnesia as just a standard identity quest, I wanted to pose the question, “at what point does holding on to the past become damaging, and what is the cost of letting go?” In ways both direct and subtle, every major character is an expression of that theme. — Why else should you read? It’s also an action filled, GSU-loaded, race against the clock thriller that doesn’t get bogged down by its message or forget to have fun. Hopefully the SS community enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Title: Street Sharks
Genre: Family / Sci-Fi / Action-Adventure
Logline: A timid college student and his three brothers search for their missing father until they are kidnapped by a technology mogul and mutated into superhuman sharks.
Why you should read: My partner and I are both college graduates looking to get into the screenwriting industry. We wrote this script intending to pitch it to the industry, but as this is our first screenplay we do not have enough of a reputation to acquire the film rights to the Street Sharks franchise. We realize there’s no point in letting the script sit around, so we would like to receive feedback from you and the community on our writing. I hope everyone has as much fun reading it as we had writing it!

Title: Rose
Genre: Drama
Logline: After a rebellious slave falls in love with her master’s step-son, the two attempt to run away together before she can be sold to a villainous new owner.
Why you should read: I started out as an actor, and got into writing around ’08. I have two produced screenwriting credits (but don’t let those fool you, I wait tables). Most of my work, to date, has been comedic. This script is not. I read Uncle Tom’s Cabin in 2011 and a story with a female lead popped into my head. I was compelled to write it. People around me were like: what…? A story about slavery? You’re crazy, Brooks. But, I wrote it. I know it’s a Sisyphean task to get it produced but perhaps it can do well in competition. SS had been like a second film school for me. A great place to improve your script. So I submit it here to the Scriptshadow faithful today.

Title: Valentino’s
Genre: Thriller
Logline: In a quiet New Jersey town, a struggling Italian family discovers bags of stolen mob money buried in the basement of their restaurant – and someone is coming to collect.
Why you should read: You reviewed this a few years ago for me. A first draft actually. You seemed to like it and I really liked the notes you had to give. I spent a few months on rewrites, submitted to the Blacklist where it did well with an 8. That reviewer really liked it as well. Ok. Great. Heard nada. Then this went into Warners last year and they passed. I’d never just give up because one studio passed. Hell no. But now what? — I’ve always loved this story and am ready to give this another look now that some time has passed. It seems to get somewhere then go nowhere. What is missing from this story to push it above par?

  • Andrew Parker

    Nice diverse group of offerings. Looking forward to these.

    If Aaron Brooks reads the comments, I would be interested in hearing about how he ended up as one of the four writers on “Russell Madness”. Did he know the director? Why four writers? Did he use “Bad City” as a sample?

    I know it’s part of a straight-to-dvd franchise, but still must be an interesting story behind it. And I found myself strangely enjoying the trailer (though I did like wrestling as a kid and find Sean Giambrone’s voiceover work pretty solid). On to reading…

    • Andrew Parker

      Here are my comments on Rose…

      The good:

      – Overall, very good. I particularly liked your character descriptions (thorough, evocative), your sense of screenplay formatting (good white space, not a lot of extraneous words) and your story sense (things move along quickly).

      – Some nice surprises that I didn’t anticipate (them being caught again so quickly, her pregnancy, Henry’s death)

      – Robust characters that actors would be interested in playing. Bill Garaway, for instance, I was able to easily read in Christoph Waltz’s voice

      – Good use of drama without dovetailing into melodrama

      My concerns:

      – Obviously this isn’t based on existing IP, so finding a production company willing to take on a period piece is going to be difficult. There’s nothing you can do about that, but I’m sure that’s what you will here a lot of if you’re trying to get a manager/agent.

      – The death of Henry is problematic because we lose a little bit of our story engine (wanting to see them together). So I think the story loses a little momentum or sense of a goal as we get further into the second act. We regain that a bit with Henry Jr’s reappearance, but you might have already lost the audience by then. I know I complemented the unexpectedness of Henry’s death, but maybe is there a way to keep him alive but severely injured or disabled? Maybe that doesn’t work though. I’m not sure.

      Overall:

      – I’m impressed. You took a chance with a not very commercial idea. I’m not sure how much time I’d spend on this because, as I mentioned, it’s probably a tough sell. But you obviously have the writing skill so maybe apply some of the storytelling skills and character work you do here to a more commercial vehicle. But this is definitely something to be proud of.

      • aaron brooks

        Thank you very much for the feedback, Andrew! I really appreciate you taking the time. Yeah, the Henry dying is a tough thing to swallow for some… I wanted to take the story in an unexpected direction. There is a version of this where he lives but I found this direction more unpredictable and interesting. The irony of it all at the end…

        Anyways, thanks again

  • S.C.

    Not sure what I’m going to do here this weekend.

    Started by reading first ten pages of MISS UNIVERSE; after all, it is a great logline.

    Passes the first test – there are some laughs on the first ten pages:

    built like a Barbie Doll recalled for promoting an unrealistic body standard.

    LYLE
    Okay, well, knock ‘em dead.

    JANE
    Inappropriate, Lyle. A lot of them are dying.

    Okay, not belly laughs, but an improvement over many people’s attempts to write comedy feature scripts.

    Jane’s not very likeable. Problem since I assume we’re going to follow this character for most of the story. Elle Woods was likeable. Cher from Clueless is likeable.

    SERIES OF SHOTS:

    The ATLANTIC CITY BOARDWALK by night:

    The Borgata. Bally’s. Caesar’s Palace.

    Glitzy monuments to decadence.

    IN A CASINO

    Playing cards fan across green felt.

    Dice tumble across a craps table.

    This all seems perfunctory to me, like the writer thinks he needs a montage, but can’t come up with an imaginative one.

    How about an old lady playing slots sitting in a pool of her own urine?

    How about a beautiful lady and an ugly guy, and the ugly guy loses all his money and the beautiful lady abandons him?

    Something more imaginative. Do you hate casinos? Sounds like you do from the writing.

    Is this script a realistic portrayal of Miss Universe? How does it compare to the reality?

    I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem right. A bit of PITCH PERFECT, BEST IN SHOW judge humor. Doesn’t sound right. Might just be me.

    Biggest problem: Ten pages in, no clue that this is going interstellar. Anyone reading this, cold, would think it was a DROP DEAD GORGEOUS-type parody, not GALAXY QUEST.

    A vapid beauty queen is abducted by aliens who think her title means she’s Earth’s ambassador to the universe.

    The abduction should happen later in the story, but the aliens should be introduced earlier to sell the concept.

    (I think THE WATCH was a bit like this, with the aliens not appearing ’til later. Don’t want to be compared to THE WATCH.).

    Would I read more? Maybe, not decided what I’m going to do here this weekend. Am I compelled to read more? Only by the logline, not by the execution so far.

    • cjob3

      You’re not the first to suggest some foreshadowing with the aliens. I love foreshadowing so I’m definitely considering it. Maybe if we open on aliens, then pull back to show their ship in space, pull back further till the ship is just a twinkle among the stars, then the hot pink Miss Universe Pageant text scribbles across the screen.

      Thanks much for the read and the notes!

  • James

    Can I just say, Miss Universe is the best AF logline I think I’ve ever read?

    After all the talk of big concepts the other day, I think this logline deserves recognition as being one of the most original, high-concept hooks AF has ever seen. I’m going to read this script and give it my vote based on the log line alone. If it delivers, it means there’s hope for us all. If not, there’s a lesson to be learned from how to avoid under-performing with a concept so great. Either way, it gets my vote.

    • cjob3

      Thanks for the high praise! Yeah, I love high concepts. And I like your logic.

  • NajlaAnn

    My choice: Miss Universe. Although comedy is not my thing, the concept and writing captured my interest.

  • andyjaxfl

    My vote: TBD

    MISS UNIVERSE. Love this concept. Very easy to read comedy script. I’d recommend giving the reader an inkling that the aliens are out there before Jane is taken. I read to Page 31 and I enjoyed what I read so far. Some quick notes-
    What is Jane’s flaw? Is she just dumb? What is her arc if she’s just dumb? Will she suddenly become smart at the end?

    What about making her selfish? Regarding Lyle, maybe he’s a bad influence. She flaunts her relationship with him instead of keeping it under wraps. Maybe her mother has to cover up one of their escapades to avoid a disqualification or scandal. Jane has been tabloid fodder before but has always managed to charm her way out of it. Jane has a natural talent of some kind but has never nurtured it, which further frustrates her mother who had to bust her ass to succeed.

    I know this isn’t the most original idea (and I’m not sure if this is included since I only read to 31), but maybe Alien Jane becomes beloved by the masses. I enjoyed what I read but I’d like to see Jane have a character arc beyond being dumb.

    • cjob3

      Jane must be coming off dumber than I thought. I wanted her to be somewhat dumb (like, comedy movie dumb) but that her real flaw was, like Pepper3 said, being superficial. But it’s my fault if that’s not coming across. Thanks for the read and suggestions!

      • andyjaxfl

        I went back to page 55 and I’m enjoying the hell out of it. MISS UNIVERSE gets my vote for the week.

  • S.C.

    Some thoughts on the loglines/big ideas:

    A vapid beauty queen is abducted by aliens who think her title means she’s Earth’s ambassador to the universe.

    Excellent logline. Only read ten pages so far. Couple of problems. Vapid beauty queen abducted by stupid aliens. Two sets of stupid. Also, why abduct her? Does France kidnap someone when they discover he is the ambassador to Uruguay? Guess I’ll have to read the screenplay to find out. Commercial potential.

    A CIA agent whose memory has been erased is given four hours to assassinate the President of Palestine, but when he starts to doubt the validity of his mission, he finds himself hunted by authorities and mercenaries alike as he races to discover his true identity.

    If I was the CIA and I wanted the President of Palestine dead – even though this would accomplish nothing – I wouldn’t want an assassin with a dodgy memory. It’d be like the Mafia sending my dad to rob a bank. “Starts to doubt the validity of his mission”. Why join the CIA and become an assassin if you don’t like what they tell you to do? All sounds a bit old-hat. Title is awful. Never, ever put the word forget in a title – you’re just asking for play on words. Sorry, this one seems to triggered a bad mood in me.

    A timid college student and his three brothers search for their missing father until they are kidnapped by a technology mogul and mutated into superhuman sharks.

    Too many genres. You could probably just say “four brothers” and make the logline shorter. Searching for father and kidnaped by mogul who mutates them – sounds like two competing storylines. Are they connected. Guess I’ll have to read the screenplay to find out. Are these land-sharks or sea-sharks? I suppose they have legs ’cause they’re STREET SHARKS! Guess I’ll have to read the screenplay to find out. Sounds Ninja Turtle-ish, which is fair enough, but I’m not really sold on it.

    After a rebellious slave falls in love with her master’s step-son, the two attempt to run away together before she can be sold to a villainous new owner.

    Probably should be labeled “historical drama”. There’s no indication of time period or location in the logline. Assume 19th century slavery in the American South. Villainous is a bit comic-book in tone. Perhaps “sadistic”? Tough sell, but best of luck.

    In a quiet New Jersey town, a struggling Italian family discovers bags of stolen mob money buried in the basement of their restaurant – and someone is coming to collect.

    Not bad. Pretty solid logline. May help if we knew more details, like who is coming to collect the money – the person who stole or the person it was stolen from. Nothing really original here – stolen mob money, Italian restaurant – and it all seems a bit bleak. It’s execution-dependent, and if the execution is good, I think it will find some interested parties. Broad commercial appeal is slim.

  • Poe_Serling

    My pick this week: ROSE

    I just opened the pdf. file to give this script the once-over and before I knew it I was already half way through the project. Since this really isn’t my genre, I’ll just focus on what I enjoyed about the script.

    >>The style/format – a real breeze to read. Quite a quick pace for a drama. Vivid and concise descriptive lines. Effective transitions from one scene to the next.

    >>First ten pages – really solid in my opinion. The writer gets the ball rolling right out of the gate…. from establishing the setting… introducing the characters… and even hinting at some of their future interpersonal dynamics.

    >>Characters – Distinct and compelling, especially Rose and Henry. I even found the secondary players well fleshed out and easy to remember.

    >>Dialogue – worked for me. The writer mentioned in his WYSR that he’s an actor and I think it showed in crafting the verbal exchanges of his characters.

    >>Storywise – That’s probably my one minor issue with the piece. The plot feels a tad familiar.

    With that said, I still highly recommend that the project be showcased on a future AF, and Rose’s plight is worth checking out.

    **Thanks, Aaron, for sharing your work. Good luck with it.

    • Aaron Brooks

      Thanks Poe! Been a big fan of your comments for some time. Means a lot to get this feedback from you.

      • aaron Brooks

        Oh and as for the familiarity of the plot, I urge you to read until the end and you’ll see that the story takes you in an unfamiliar direction.

        • Poe_Serling

          Hey Aaron-

          I did read to the end. I agree – your ending went in a different direction than I expected.

          And remember I only said that your plot felt a ‘tad’ (a small or insignificant amount or degree) familiar. ;-)

          Again, good luck with it. Thanks for popping in. It always makes for a more engaging and lively discussion when the featured writers take the time to mix it up with the SS community.

          • Aaron brooks

            Yes I plan to be a part of any and all discussions! Thanks again Poe!

    • Frankie Hollywood

      Poe, I almost forgot to ask. I was hoping you’d chime in last Monday, update us on how the comic book is going. Anything you can share or is it “need to know?”

      I’m not giving up, Mr. Edgar/Rod

      • Poe_Serling

        The graphic novel is currently on hold for the moment. The artist that I’m working often gets pulled away for several weeks at a time – due to his freelance work and other commitments.

        Little by little, we’re moving forward and hope to have a rough draft (text and image) done by the end of summer.

        Thanks for asking.

      • Citizen M

        This guy looks two-faced. Don’t believe anything he says ;o)

        • Poe_Serling

          Or you might end up with something like this…

          Quoth The Raven http://www.hellodere.com

          • Frankie Hollywood

            Do you remember that episode? Because I GOTTA know, what the hell’s up with that BAT necklace?

            And is that a Michael Jackson doll?

          • Poe_Serling

            The Ironside episode was entitled “Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Murder” from 1972.

            Rod played the role of “Mr. Thyros” – the owner of an occult store.

            The bat necklace? Probably just a nifty wardrobe accessory for his Mephistophelian-like character.

  • Frankie Hollywood

    I’ve never heard of Street Sharks, but after I Googled ‘em I can’t believe no one’s
    done a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie riff on them yet. Seems ripe for the picking.

    TMNT2 is green-lit, I would think some competing studio would be eager to jump on that bandwagon. Have you guys found out who (which studio, if any) have the rights?

    Good luck to Adam and Garrett, seems like a no-brainer sale to me.

    • klmn

      The obvious question is whether the writers have secured the movie rights to that series.

      • Frankie Hollywood

        Absolutely. Saying “it seems like a no-brainer sale” is not the way I should’ve worded it.

        Seems like a no-brainer idea to make Street Sharks a movie, and hopefully Adam and Garrett will be the writers.

      • Bifferspice

        the obvious answer from their WYSR is no!

        • klmn

          I guess I should read those.

          • Bifferspice

            i often don’t either :)

    • Bacon Statham

      It doesn’t seem to be as big as TMNT, but it’s obviously got a fanbase. I’d never even heard of it before today, but of it was ever turned into a film, I’d definitely watch it. I’m surprised Biker Mice From Mars and Gargoyles haven’t been turned into live action films yet actually.

      • Frankie Hollywood

        Biker Mice From Mars? WTF? What an OBVIOUS riff on TMNT = borrow/steal/steal/borrow.

        I’ve actually heard of Gargoyles (so I don’t feel completely lost).

        BMFM look pretty badass, maybe they should team up with Street Sharks to take on the Gargoyles.

        Yeah, after the success of TMNT I can’t believe cartoons aren’t going to Superhero route — practically everyone of them going into production. Probably happen sooner than later.

  • Adrian P.

    Valentino caught my interest. I’m going to try to read that one especially since I am working on a thriller myself. Then I will check out Time to Forget. I’m really interested in what Carson would say about the research on the CIA that is in the script. How much research is enough??

  • IgorWasTaken

    Miss Universe

    I agree with others about the strong logline, premise and writing. Also, I love the very opening images and speed.

    After that, it slows down on the page, which I think is a lost opportunity.

    Two examples of slowness “on the page”: The “SERIES OF SHOTS”. Yes, the formatting is the usual way, but I’d say you forget that and do them all in one paragraph, with “…” Fast.

    Also, the scenes on pages 2 and 3. Focus on the story purpose of each scene. So in the scene when Jane meets the sick kids, what’s the goal for that? In that context, I see no need for the Nurse’s dialogue block, “Jane heard you guys weren’t feeling well and she wanted to come here…” Just go from “Hello, kids”, the nurse’s applause, the kids’ weak applause, then “Is the photographer here yet?”.

    Question: Would that scene be funnier if the first time we see Jane is in a Hazmat suit is when she enters the ward? Yeh, you’d lose the bit where Lyle kisses her mask, but you could change that to: He goes in for a kiss and she says, “Not now.”

    Not that these are huge deals, but:

    It’s Miss USA (not Miss America) that feeds into Miss Universe.

    And Atlantic City is in the dumps, now more than just 10 years ago. Plus, the Borgata is not on the Boardwalk; Caesars in A/C is just called Caesars, no “Palace”; and the Boardwalk at night ain’t that great looking.

    • S.C.

      Agree with a lot of those points. There’s humor here, but it maybe needs to be tighter.

      Sorry to hear about Atlantic City! I knew it was in the dumps in the past, but I figured it must have changed around by now.

      Totally agree with you about research, and about Street View in particular. Those spy cars have been just about everywhere and it’s the next best thing to going there (most of us can’t really afford to go globetrotting, and we’d be limited if we only wrote about where we live).

      On some things you can bluff the reader or fudge the facts. But statistically, at least several readers will know where or what you’re talking about better than you do.

  • Eddie Panta

    MISS UNIVERSE

    Yes, great logline, fun premise. Fast paced action. This has ROGER CORMAN written all over it, but the dialogue is slowing down the read for me. The dialogue between the leads is too on the nose, even for comedy, they’re having conversations like they’ve just met. A lot of the dialogue seems like it’s just there to give us the back story on these characters. I didn’t think the script need the Miss Universe history exposition in the opening… Maybe later, through the aliens point of view.

    I really liked the description of our first view of the spaceship, Miss Universe is zapped up into outer space by pg 13 – I’m not a pg counter, but for this premise, this is crucial.

    The men in black gag was a great ch0ice. Seems like the author/s are having a lot of fun with this, not sure how they’ll be able to stretch this past the first act, but I look forward to finding out.

  • Randy Williams

    TIME TO FORGET

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    Started with this one. The logline grabbed me the most.

    Nice opening. Page 2, I believe it’s spelled “bearings”
    The tone on page two in contrast to the first page is a bit on the light adventure. It’s a good quick start though and we’re off to the races with barely time to catch a breath.
    I was hooked although the character of Adam is pretty much a mystery to himself and to us. Thinking …would this unfold any differently if the character was just assigned to do this job and the loss of memory angle was absent? Running the checkpoints, pick ups, getting information, I’m not so sure. I don’t think that’s good. I think we need more right away of his confusion and more missteps.
    By page 9, this anxiety grows because the scenes seem all very familiar.
    Page 14, I’m troubled how easily he handled the hotel room guards there.
    Pages 17-19 are really good. Love the way the writer immediately made Kanani and the little girl relatable with the International House of Pancakes. The tension here and twists, I thought really nicely done. I was intensely in the scene. I’d even suggest milking it here, cut down those pages with the agents and the talk of food earlier and give that space to the hotel room scenes.
    The tone is rather lightweight at most times so maybe some humor, especially from Kanani would fit on page 31.
    page 41. I don’t really care about the politics surrounding this or who is after Kanani. This is not the logline anyway. I care about Adam’s predicament. I started to tune out there. Maybe make the scene about something else but fit that in underneath?
    I’m out at page 42. I’m enjoying it for what it is, but perhaps professional writers in Hollywood could write these things in their sleep?

    • Eric

      Hi Randy,

      Thanks for checking this out. Every note and impression helps. I’ve actually been a bit torn over engaging the feedback with the risk of being called defensive versus just sitting back and letting nature take it’s course, so I’ll keep it short.

      About the scene on 41. I actually agree about the specific politics around Kanani not being important to the story. The scene was me subtly trying to dismiss the questions I thought some readers might have. Adam speculates about various entities who might want Kanani dead, and Kanani’s reaction is basically, “What does it matter? Someone will kill me.” I wanted to dismiss the ‘who wants Kanani dead?’ question and keep the focus on ‘who’s Adam working for?’ There’s also a fair amount of theme running through Kanani’s story. But perhaps all these details aren’t needed? Or different details? Will mull it over.

      “perhaps professional writers in Hollywood could write these things in their sleep?”

      Could I be mistaken for one? ;)

      • Randy Williams

        I’d just make it quick, preferably with a visual. The scene focused on your star as it always should be. If I recall, they are in a subway when they discuss this. Maybe I’m wrong but for this example, let’s say they are. Say, a homeless guy on the subway says to Adam, hey, I know you. He’s crazy but Adam with his memory loss would be obsessed with this wacko homeless guy thinking he can finally claim his identity. Meanwhile Kanani reads a passenger’s newspaper headlines about himself and responds with a few words and “everyone wants me dead “

        • Eric

          Thanks for the note and vote :) It definitely helps.

  • Jeaux

    Congrats to cjob on Miss Universe. Def gonna read this one as I’ve read some of his other stuff and he’s got skills.

  • Randy Williams

    VALENTINO’S

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    What could I add to the skills of a Blacklist or a Warners reader? Don’t think much.
    I read this until page 19 because I wanted to see how they discover the money in the basement.
    Thought it was solid writing, authentic and memorable characterizations and congrats for the score on the BL and getting it in the pipeline!, but for me, it was slow. Felt more like a TV drama than a feature with the focus on the family as a whole and lack of a central dynamic character.

    I don’t know..set the story at sea? Parents and Leo on a sail boat for a sea voyage back to the old country? Bank robbers long ago had hidden the money on the old boat they purchased and they discover the stash out at sea where they can’t get back quickly and things turn for the worse? Make Leo the central character? Leo and boats have done well in the past.

    • S.C.

      I second this; location is often one of the weakest parts of a script. A restaurant is a very static location.

  • Randy Williams

    MISS UNIVERSE

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    Like others, I thought this was a winning concept the first time the writer shared the idea with us. Glad to be able to read some pages from it, up to page 28 and will probably read more if time allows.
    I thought the first time I heard the idea that it would make a great stage musical and the writer mentions “Legally Blonde” as a similar script which was made into a musical.
    I think if the writer imagined it as a musical first it would help focus things and elevate the emotions.
    The hospital scene is good but you have the glitz and glamour of a Miss Universe pageant to work with and I missed some of that. Why not start with that and the pageant has a space theme? Slowly reveal the dramatic pageant like the cat’s world is revealed in Cats, the musical? Musicals often open with a “I want song” Give dialogue to Jane that makes it clear what she wants in life, how her arc might develop in the script. She really just seemed like a dumb girl with no ambition at the start.
    We don’t see the moment she gets crowned too, which I thought would be dramatic.
    Then, using the space suit from the pageant, she can go visit the kids in the hospital. But there should be a reason for going there that will be paid off later. Think musical, again. No scenery is ever wasted. It’s used again somewhere.

    The transport scene, I thought was too quick. In a musical, this would be very dramatic, played out for all its worth. Once Jane is in the spaceship, things are revealed too quickly, I thought. Again, a musical might have just Hazz appearing first, singing his own, “I want song”. Then slowly the edges are filled in and we meet the others and quite dramatically too. Jane is pulled this way and that, yet she keeps her head , doesn’t seem that afraid. Maybe because the aliens seem as lost as she is? I would have liked more contrast. I would have liked her petrified and an alien gets her to relax. Kind of like the scarecrow and Dorothy in Oz.
    “Holy Shit, I thought you were a lamp” LOVED this line. Funny.
    I stopped at page 28, it gets a little busy with the explanations of universe politics and the alien Jane. Slow down a bit, maybe?
    Good stuff!

    • cjob3

      Thanks, Randy. I love the idea of approaching it like a musical. I can totally see that. I’ve been working on a musical for years and therefore, researching a lot of them. (Plus, my best friend is like, Broadway royalty) The lamp line is one of my favorites too. I remember during the Pitch Your Own Script weekend, you said you could also see it as an animated series. I like the way you think, buddy. Sorry I didn’t get your vote but if you press on a little further, let me know. I’d like to know what you think of the AJ character. Thanks, again.

      • Randy Williams

        I don’t think you needed my vote. You got plenty.
        I pressed on a little further. I like the AJ character. But, the promise of the logline is Miss Universe out in the universe. She’s the fish out of the water and although many of the fish out of the water jokes with Alien Jane are funny. Maroon 5 for instance, they steal from the star of the show, Jane in space, in my opinion.

        Yeah, I can see this as a stage musical. If you know someone in New York, or elsewhere, I know there are budding musical composers who would love a book to work with. Many apply each year to the New York Musical Theatre Festival for a slot. You could start a campaign on Kickstarter to help with the expenses if you got chosen or mount it yourself. I think several on here, including myself would donate. I know the festival covers half of the expenses if you’re accepted. But, story wise and to cut expense, I think the focus should be on Jane in space with limited characters with actors who could play multiple roles under costumes. I mean it’s ready-made for publicity. You could pass out chest banners to the audience. Write their names on them for single’s night. Their countries, their astrological sign, whatever New Yorkers are into these days.

  • Eric

    Hi everyone! Writer of Time to Forget here. Thrilled to be featured and looking forward to taking in all the feedback! The timing would figure though. Not only does the competition seem particularly stiff (I remember Miss Universe‘s beast of a logline), but I just arrived in Florida for day one of my week long vacation. I planned to engage the feedback and still do. But now I’ll probably have to do it at 2am with several pints in me.

    Ehh who am I kidding? I probably would’ve done it that way anyway. Good luck to all the contestants. Especially myself. I’m gonna need it.

  • S.C.

    Disappearing comments. Hmmmm.

    I’ll ask again: anyone got a copy of ECO by KURT WIMMER? The one about the dolphins. If you have, could you please send it to mr.scottcrawford at hotmail dot com.

    I will gladly send you any scripts you want in return.

    Thank you.

    • HelTek

      I sent the copy I have.

      • S.C.

        Thank you very, very, very much!!!

  • S.C.

    Is Aaron Brooks a professional writer?

    • Aaron Brooks

      Aaron Brooks here. Thanks to all who have taken the time to read my baby. Very grateful to you. I know what time is worth and the fact that you took the time to read me means a lot.

      As for being professional… I think you can make a judgment after hearing a bit about me.

      After graduating Vancouver film school in ’08 I wrote a script called Wingman Inc. with my main brohiem Dustin Milligan. That script was optioned by Bright Light studios (Vancouver based). Optioned for $500. That’s right 5 with two zeros. Non-union. So… That script has gone nowhere slow. Eight years of nothing. One of the development heads at BL was a lovely young lady, Kirsten Hansen. She championed WM INC and me in general and subsequently hired me (non-union) to write Russell. I was paid, if I remember correctly, 6,0000, over the course of four years. Bad City we shot on a shoe string budget. I invested some cash so didn’t make anything. Yet.

      To say I’m a professional, in my opinion, isn’t accurate. A professional, to me, is someone that works at it night and day because he/she doesn’t have another job that he/she works at day and night. Until it’s the ONLY thing I do I won’t consider myself a pro. Right now, it’s just something I love to do between slanging Moules Frites at Chambar (a really great restaurant BTW).

      In my opinion.

      Love to hear what others consider a professional.

      Best,

      Brooks

      • Andrew Parker

        My feeling is a professional writer would generally have an agent or manager who would discourage them from posting to Scriptshadow. Scripts are always more valuable when not available easily (builds some mystery, expectations vs reality, etc).

        In the 90s, they used to do these fun auctions on Monday for scripts, hence the reason for the term “weekend reads”. For those, a select group of producers/studios would have the opportunity to read the script over the weekend and one day to place a bid. The limited amount of time and lack of information drove the prices up. The internet killed that a bit.

        Anyway, until RUSSELL MADNESS gets a second vote on Rotten Tomatoes, I think it doesn’t count.

      • klmn

        Is that six thousand dollars or sixty thousand? Your comma placement says one thing while your five zeros says another.

        Either way, I wish you much success with all your scripts.

        • Aaron brooks

          Sorry yeah thats 6 thousand. Not sixty.

      • S.C.

        For the purposes of Amateur Friday, it should be a chance to get professional feedback on their script, and some exposure, for someone who might not otherwise have that opportunity. That would include, but would not be limited, to:

        People who don’t live in Los Angeles.
        People with limited resources.
        People who don’t have an agent or manager.
        People who have never had an agent or manager.
        People with no produced TV or feature credits, novels, etc.

        i.e. people who wouldn’t otherwise wouldn’t get such exposure.

        Having said that, we DO have a problem; hundreds of people submit their loglines to Amateur Offerings Weekend (AOW), and by Carson Reeves’ estimate, 70-80% are dismissed because they are badly written (spelling and grammatical errors, etc.), confusing or just plain boring.

        70 to 80%.

        I haven’t added it up, but by my reckoning, 90% of Amateur Friday (AF) reviews last year received a score of 2 out 5 (known as a “not for me”).

        90%.

        I’m not sure how long AF can continue unless the scripts improve. And that would be a HUGE lost opportunity (I still haven’t entered yet!).

        As a result, I don’t think we can dismiss any professionally-written screenplay. I don’t have a have a HUGE problem with produced writers (I think it would be fair to call you a produced writer, Aaron) entering the contest. I have a bigger problem with the fan-fiction which have been popping up here recently.

        However, if it came down to a draw between a produced writer and someone with no credits, manager, etc., I think the unproduced writer should get the review.

        My opinion. Best of luck.

        Scott Crawford

      • Kirk Diggler

        Question: That $500 option, did it expire after a time? You say it has gone nowhere for 8 years. Don’t options last 12 -18 months unless they are renewed and payment is made again?

        • Aaron

          It’s with Raven West right now. Same production company as Bad City.

  • peisley

    The idea of Miss Universe is cute, but after reading the first twelve pages, I was kind of turned off by a few things. I’m ok with dark humor, but the comment re. the sick kids wasn’t too cool. It almost made me not want to continue reading. The writing is peppy, but it could be more clever and less flip. This still has the feel of an early draft. Maybe with some good comments from others here, the next draft might hit the mark. I still like the premise, though, and want to see a future draft.

    • Bifferspice

      doesn’t sound like you’re ok with dark humour to me.

    • cjob3

      It seems my instincts lean dark, but I’m so used to it, I don’t even consider it dark as I’m doing it. But you’re right, kids with cancer probably doesn’t jive with the fun, lightweight tone I’m going for. I may reconsider. That’s the only dark humor in the script anyway (I think.) Thanks for the input.

      • peisley

        It’s great to see you’re open to feedback. If the line occurred later in the script, I probably would’ve given it a pass and left it up to the reader gods to decide. Since it’s in the first critical pages, it could be an issue. There should be a good market now for a comedic scifi after Guardians. Another Galaxy Quest is due, too. Best of luck!

  • Caivu

    I don’t have much time this week, since I’ll be traveling, so I’ll read until I start to lose interest instead of reading 30 pages like I usually do. Things probably won’t be super-detailed. First up:

    Street Sharks

    I vaguely remember this show (I preferred Biker Mice From Mars), so I don’t have much in the way of nostalgia for it. I’m interested to see how it plays out. I’m not really sure how I feel in regards to AOW scripts about things the writers don’t have the rights to, though.
    (A bit OT: I’ve got some scripts like that myself, but I wrote them just for practice. Are people here okay with these sort of scripts being submitted?)

    Pg. 1-11
    -Maybe put Fission City in the scene heading?
    -If this is a black-tie event, how is there any way to know visually that this family is middle-class? The introductions of the characters might make that clear, or at least show that they aren’t used to these kind of events.
    -Is there a way to show that Dr. Bolton is a single parent than just describing him that way?
    -The boys are acting more like 14 or 15-year-olds, not college-age guys. Just a little bit too immature.
    -No last name for Lena? Maybe she’s not a main character, but then why name her at all? Her last name is Mack in the show.
    -“Brains, beauty, and booty crippled by social ineptitude.” Do you need this line?
    -Does Paradigm need to start out with an eye patch?
    -Not sure how I feel about this opener. It feels like the third or fourth scene; I don’t feel grounded in this world yet. I can understand the impressiveness of the Imperium demonstration, but it still feels low-key. Why not have demonstrations of all the benefits instead of just the reflexes? Make it something that would be impossible for humans to do without enhancements. Go big!
    -Does a house “nestle”? A cat might, but a house?
    -This is just a personal thing, but I’m not a fan of the staccato writing so far. It’s not wrong, necessarily, but it’s grating on me a bit.
    -So Dr. Bolton is following Paradigm, spying on him? That could be an opener. Have Bolton sneaking around a warehouse, peeking in and getting a glimpse of something horrible… and then the banquet stuff, with maybe some intros for the boys beforehand? You don’t have to do that, of course, but think about it.
    -Bolton gets into the base pretty easily, but I’m guessing this is a trap.
    -Yep. Trap. I think…
    -I can picture this transformation really well.
    -I don’t think you get to have “Family” as one of the genres when a character looks at sexy pictures. I think this script should be comparable in tone to Marvel films or the new TMNT, anyway.
    -What the daydream there for?
    -Again, Lena needs a last name. Odd to give a relatively formal introduction with just your first name.
    -Bends and John are just hanging out it Dr. Bolton’s office? And Lena is looking for John there? This is odd.

    Pg. 14-15
    -I think things might be moving just a bit too fast. I don’t really have a handle on the Bolton boys except that John is relatively mature and the others aren’t.
    -And characters are swearing now. Mildly, but they’re swearing. Why is Family listed as a genre, again?

    Pg. 18
    -The guys are pretty chill about just being turned into sharks. That could be a fun scene, them running through the woods screaming in terror. “WHAT THE HELL?! I’M A SHARK!” “We’re ALL sharks!” That kind of stuff.

    Stopped at page 19.

    I think the main things this script needs are some more world-building and characterization. What distinguishes Fission City from anywhere else? Does Paradigm own it in the literal sense, and not the mob sense? How does that work?
    Things seem like they move just a little to fast. That’s usually a good thing, but I think you can afford to slow down some when you’re establishing fictional locations, tech, etc. Make it cool and we the readers probably won’t mind.

    • S.C.

      Writing scripts you don’t have the rights to for practice is a good idea, though I would think it better to just write the story outline or a scene or a short script?

      I don’t think such scripts should be written to try and sell; you may look through Deadline and imdb and not think something has been optioned but – chances are – it has already. And I think the time would better spent creating something similar but your own.

      So instead of doing Street Sharks, write Vampire Cops about cops who are bitten and become vampires but use their skills to fight crime (on the night shift, obviously).

      Now, that’s nothing to do with Street Sharks, but – if it’s good – you can get attention, THEN pitch your Street Sharks take.

      In the meantime, I personally think it’s taking up a slot another writer could have had today (though I wish the writers well).

      I’m also not sure about professional (paid) writers entering Amateur Friday, even if most of their income comes from another job (acting, say).

  • S.C.

    Erm… where is everyone?

    Seriously, is there a problem with the website or is everyone just off on holiday?!

    • Randy Williams

      Day before Easter. Got to color those eggs.

      And BASKETBALL!

  • Randy Williams

    STREET SHARKS

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    I’m not familiar with this franchise. I kept seeing the SNL skits with the sharks at the door.

    Characters immediately endearing for me at the start, a family that feels like a family and then ending the introduction with a really cool visual with the center pieces. Well done, I thought.
    Page 8. Maybe have Mecha Pardigm inject Dr. Bolton first before explaining the garden of Eden and his experiments? That way the creeping realization of that injection can be shared with Bolton and us.
    The brothers kind of blended in all together for me. Are they supposed to be like surfer dudes with a limited range of expression? I didn’t get that stand out shy brother from your logline.

    Where you valuable real estate is, I think, is in the visuals, yet you don’t milk them. I think I recall the shark skits in SNL are really milked for the visuals. You have some great ones in here so far. (I read to page 23- would read more if time allowed. Final Four beckons). The hammerhead eye bit. Milk that, that’s funny as hell. The dorsal fins slicing through the car roof. Again, milk that. Set those visuals apart from other description, bold them, whatever you do so they are not glossed over as quickly as you present them.

  • MichaelAQ

    Based on these loglines, I’ll read Ms. Universe, Valentino’s and Rose this weekend.

    Side note: Not sure if this is taboo, but I’m dying to get some eyes on my script that are not in my normal writing/workshop circles. Any SS community members interested?

    Title: Page Turn Her
    Genre: Drama/Comedy
    Logline: A love-struck ad writer finds a magical journal that controls his unrequited crush’s actions, but he hesitates using it because the men who get close to her have a tendency to die.

  • Caivu

    Miss Universe

    Pg. 1-11
    -Clever opening image. Is this the actual intro for Miss America?
    -“Glitzy monuments to decadence.” Opinion, and not visual.
    -It’s not clear to me if this opening is supposed to be the actual telecast of the pageant or not; I’m assuming it is.
    -“built like a Barbie Doll recalled for promoting an unrealistic body standard.” “She stops, poses, and flashes her best superficial smile.” I’m guessing you’re not a fan of beauty pageants or contestants, huh? That’s fine, but do I need to know that?
    -Okay, it was TV footage. Fine.
    -I’m getting the feeling the HazMat gag is there only to setup that it exists, so that when Jane wears it later the aliens mistake it for a space suit. Am I right? Maybe I’ll find out.
    -The dialogue on pages 6 to 8 is either on-the-nose or exposition.
    -Do Miss Universe contestants have the option of either a one-piece or a bikini? That doesn’t seem correct.
    -So Jane isn’t smart enough to realize cancer isn’t contagious, but somehow makes a WWII joke? And not just a WWII joke, but a reasonably obscure one? (Sweden was indeed neutral in WWII, but most people think of Switzerland in that context)
    -The Miss Universe Pageant comes off as a pretty low-key affair.

    Pg. 13-15
    -“This isn’t the sleek, futuristic starship we’re used to.” Why would I be used to it? It hasn’t appeared in this script before. Why would I expect it to be sleek and futuristic? Spaceship designs have had industrialized looks since Star Wars, and possibly before that. This line makes it seem like such a thing is a new idea.
    -An alien actually named Hulu? Is she going to scoop out someone’s brains with a melon baller at some point?
    -Looks like I was wrong about the HazMat suit, unless it comes up later.
    -The Queen Kar’uton speaking in wingdings is a bit too cute for its own good. I’m out.

    I still think this script has one of the best loglines I’ve ever read here; clever and full of potential. But I didn’t see much here that made me think “comedy”. I’m glad it wasn’t out-and-out raunchiness like so many comedy scripts, but to me it seemed like this went too far in the other direction. It could be that comedies just aren’t my thing, though.
    Keep working on this. The premise is too good not to.

    • cjob3

      Damn you, wingdings! That only happens once, I swear! Seriously, though, thanks for all the notes – a lot of food for thought here. Yeah, a friend also pointed out the flaw in my ‘axis of evil’ line. I meant for it to be the George W axis, not the WW2 one. I forgot there even was a WW2. I shouldn’t try for political jokes. Thanks again!

      • Kirk Diggler

        Actually, I think the Axis of Evil joke works for the very reason that she got it wrong.

  • brenkilco

    Read ten pages of Valentino’s. Not bad but I’m not convinced this writer knows much about banking, bank robbers, first generation Italians or metro traffic routes in the mid twentieth century.

    1. Why is the bank a Wells Fargo Bank? Wells fargo is huge now. But seventy years ago it was a western company. Pretty sure it had no branches in New York.

    2. The robbers don’t just rob the bank. They commit mass murder. Why? And they’re counting on some crooked local cops who know their identities to cover for them? Good luck with that. And they steal the money in Brooklyn but they hide it in Jersey. Why? I don’t know how long it took to get from Brooklyn to Jersey in 49 but it must have been a lot longer than it takes today and its a pain today. If they made it all the way to Jersey why didn’t they just keep going? God knows, after what they’ve done they’re going to need the money. They pulled this crazy job with the thought that they’d just let the cash sit for years. Come on.

    3. Realtors sell real estate. They don’t opine on business permits. And a property tax assessment wouldn’t be affected by the fact the protag wants to open a restaurant. Surely the protag would have told the realtor from the jump that he was looking for a commercial property. This whole exchange makes zero sense. And how dumb does somebody in 49 have to be, twenty years after Rudolph, not to know that Valentino is an Italian name? And why does this misunderstanding about zoning cause the realtor to seemingly turn into an anti-italian bigot? And how is it the protag can’t afford the asking price when a scene before he was all set to buy? Not getting any of this.

    4. Also have problems with the youra no sona mine, salt of the earth, Italian movie dialogue. Remember the Corleone kids were first generation and they didn’t even have accents. And if English is tough for these characters wouldn’t their conversations at home be liberally sprinkled with Italian phrases and whole sentences? This might not matter so much in a Panic Room style thriller. But if we’re going to spend time grating parm and cooking Zucchini then verisimilitude starts to matter more.

    • S.C.

      Think maybe we need a Thursday article on research.

      • klmn

        Does Carson know about that?

        He doesn’t even watch black and white films!*

        With the possible exception of Casablanca and It’s A Wonderful Life.

        • S.C.

          OK. Let’s talk about research here.

          A Scriptshadow member contacted me via e-mail and asked for a script. Nothing unusual in that, except he wanted a specific script because it covered a similar subject to the script he was writing.

          Smart guy.

          If you’re going to write about something, it’d better be something you love. Because you’re going to have to learn a lot about it.

          In order to write a script I like to:

          Watch lots of movies similar to or in the same genre as the story I’m writing.

          I look for the scripts of some of those movies, seeing how the subject appears on the page.

          I read books – fiction and non-fiction – covering the same subject.

          I study maps, Google Maps and Street View to make sure my story is (more or less) geographically accurate.

          I pretty much put myself in the shoes of the character (including the villains) and see if what they want to do is plausible. And if isn’t, I change what they do or where they go.

          I hate the logic police – they can go to hell! – but they enforce the law and I have to do what they say. Slows you down, but it doesn’t always take a genius to spot screenwriter’s bullshit.

          • brenkilco

            Think you can get by with less research in a script than a book. And you can get fixated on points that a reader or viewer isn’t going to care about. But its nice to be able to write with the confidence that you know what you’re talking about. I’ve seen a lot of submarine movies. But I’ve never bothered to read anything on sub operations. So I still really don’t know what they mean when they say stuff like ten degrees down bubble, come right to 240 etc. Did finally figure out what rudder amidships meant. Duh. But the point is if I feel like the guys who wrote the thing know, it’s enough.

          • S.C.

            Interesting to point out submarines. Nuclear submarines can’t go to the bottom of the ocean. If you read a script and a nuclear submarine goes to the bottom of the ocean (and survives!) you know the reader hasn’t done their research.

            Unless they’re writing a remake of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.

          • brenkilco

            Unless they’re writing a remake of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

            IMO all submarines should have windows and tail fins.

          • Bacon Statham

            Research is one of those things that is necessary, but I also think we don’t need to go mad over it.
            If you’re writing about submarines and they’re the main focus of the script, then it’s wise to get as much information as you can about them, but only include the most important bits in the script. But if you’re writing a script where submarines play just a minor part, I don’t think it really matters that much.
            I recently watched Blackhat and even though I’ve always found the hacking world interesting, half of the things they were talking about in the film, I couldn’t understand. I now know what a RAT is, but other than that, nada.

          • S.C.

            “Dive, DIVE, yelled the captain through the thing!”

          • Bifferspice

            that’s hilarious!

          • klmn

            What really sucks is when you spend a year or better researching something and a reader casually says it couldn’t happen, when it did.

          • davejc

            Yeah it’s pretty weird. And I’ve had readers (plural) actually get angry about it. You do the research. And you discover things that people need to know. You feel like your doing a public service by writing about it. And people reject it because it doesn’t fit into their fairy tale world view.

            Whenever that happens to me, then i know i’m on the right track, and nothing in the world can get me to remove the offending pages from my script.

          • Midnight Luck

            I would say it is most important, not that everything is absolutely true and that all the research has been done on everything so you can dot the t and cross the i, if anyone calls you on anything, but that instead your story, your ideas, your scenes come across AS IF they COULD be true and possible.
            If your script or movie makes it all seem plausible and the audience can buy into the concepts and ideas, then I think it works.

            I believe it gets more precarious when a script goes to great length to basically “show” us or “prove” to us the writer did their investigation, and then beats us over the head with inane details and information.

            Then again, I could be wrong–
            —as the F.Furious 7 movie just did $150 million opening on Friday and it has a $3.5 million dollar car jumping from one window of a Dubai skyscraper tower to another without incident.

            I saw it in the trailer, and to me, that is just stupid and beyond believable, yet people obviously don’t care.

            So maybe you don’t need to get anyone to buy into anything anymore?

          • BellBlaq

            Action movies are always exempt from the laws of physics.

          • brenkilco

            They are now. And that’s a real loss.

          • klmn

            There’s a lot to be said for not writing historical scripts.

          • S.C.

            If I wrote a script about the American Civil War (not just background but real stuff), I’d need to know that subject better than most script readers. Given that most script readers are American and most of them (guessing) studied the Civil War at high school (or beyond), I’d have to be a real expert on the subject.

            That means (as I see it) not writing about the Civil War unless you’d been reading books about it for years. Passionate about the subject.

            On the other hand, if I decided to write a story about a nuclear submarine, I could just check the details on line, get a couple of books.

            One thing that bothers me is the number of people who think they can write a western, say, just because they watched DJANGO UNCHAINED and maybe a couple of others. You need to watch lots of westerns, or lots of stuff about any historical period, to really get the voices right.

            Always happy to plug this podcast. Here GregRobin Smith talks about writing historical stuff:

            http://onthepage.libsyn.com/395-stealing-from-shakespeare

          • Kirk Diggler

            I think if they had tried that n the first F&F it wouldn’t have went over well. But i guess they have earned themselves the right to get more and more outrageous over the course of the series. I’ve only seen one of the films, the 5th one, takes place in Brazil. Wasn’t expecting much, I guess you could say that it was stupid fun, enjoyable but completely forgettable. Just turn your brain off and don’t question anything.

          • S_P_1

            The facetious response most people give is “its just a movie”. Meaning I don’t have to do the heavy lifting of researching technical details.

            The flip side is certain scripts demand a non-layman’s approach to the subject matter. Court room dramas are the first type of script that spring to mind.

            So maybe you don’t need to get anyone to buy into anything anymore?

            Technology specifically green/blue screens and computing power have allowed the highly imaginative to be filmed.

            I recently saw Europa Report, I highly recommend it to movie lovers first, to contained thrillers, grounded sci-fi writers next. I will go on record and say the set design on Europa Report is more believable than Star Trek, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Alien(s), The Right Stuff, Super Nova, and Event Horizon. Gravity is the only film that had a more believable set design.

            We’re basically at a stage of is there anything that can’t be filmed and made believable?

          • Linkthis83

            Really enjoyed Europa Report. I couldn’t believe more people don’t love that movie.

          • S.C.

            The makers of FF7 came up with the idea of a car driving from one building to another all by themselves. Never happened before in a film.

            http://www.dvd-forum.at/img/uploaded/black_moon_rising_poster_02.jpg

          • Poe_Serling

            Just a few instances where filmmakers felt they had to cut fact-based scenes because they thought the audience wouldn’t buy into it.

            http://www.cracked.com/article_19999_5-true-stories-cut-from-movies-being-too-unrealistic_p2.html

      • Mike.H

        A mafia script getting an 8 from blckst doesn’t sound…. possible. Based on their elevated taste.

        • S.C.

          I have no idea, some I’m just asking other people… does a Black List score really mean anything?

          I mean, 8 (out of 10, I guess), that’s the same score as Rocky, The Battle of Algiers and Dog Day Afternoon on imdb!

          • hickeyyy

            A score of 8 on the Blacklist means they send an email out to all their partners telling them about your screenplay. You’ll generate a large amount of additional traffic and industry looks.

          • S.C.

            What I meant was, is a score like that VALID?

            A lot of people submit scripts here and say it did well on the Black List, then you read it and… well, mixed reactions would be the fairest way to describe it.

            Like I said, don’t personally know, but… could it be people are trading good reviews for good reviews? You vote for my script, I’ll vote for yours?

            Don’t know. Just asking…

          • hickeyyy

            I don’t think that can be the case, because only Blacklist readers review the screenplays. Blacklist employs them and divvies them out randomly to their readers.

            My Oakwood screenplay from a couple weeks back received a 5 and my AOW screenplay Monty received a 7.

          • klmn

            I believe blacklist readers fall into two classes – the paid reviewers, and the unpaid. Pro readers, producers, and other industry pros can also submit reviews of anything they choose..

          • cjob3

            “Mixed” indeed. One of my sitcoms “Beyond Help with Handy Andy” got an overall 8, 7, 3, 6, 6, 4, and 3 all without changing a word.

            I was excited about getting in the email blast with the 8 but nothing came of it. Kinda surprising as Comedy Central had expressed an interest at one point.

          • S.C.
          • cjob3

            One of my sitcoms “Beyond Help with Handy Andy” got an overall 8, 7, 3, 6, 6, 4, and 3 all without changing a word of the script.

            I was excited about getting in the email blast with the 8 but nothing came of it. Kinda surprising as Comedy Central had expressed an interest at one point

          • hickeyyy

            Yeah, that’s pretty fair. That’s the problem too, in that it is all subjective. That 3 reader probably didn’t really like it at all and the 8 reader loved it. Pretty crazy how big of a variance you can get.

  • Randy Williams

    ROSE

    Congrats for making it on AOW!

    Read 30 pages. It’s not a subject matter I would go out of my way to watch but I found the read enjoyable and particularly easy to digest. Very tight, flowing description. A minimum of dialogue too but always smart. Off the WYSR, I can see this as a worthy competition script.

    The plot seems familiar. Most of history is written by the victors. And this seems no different so far. But, what I really found appealing was that emotion was always threatening to trickle to the surface but never allowed to burst out in a plot where it’s easy to milk the emotion, so I felt very reassured that it would grow like this until I found an emotional release somewhere and that is a thing I like in movies.
    There is a line in this, “Reading is nothing like a pistol” This writer has some ammunition.

    • Aaron Brooks

      Thank you Randy, really appreciate you taking the time to read!

  • S.C.

    O.T.: This week we were talking quite a bit about outlines, and yesterday Carson mentioned Casablanca, so here’s a synopsis by Frederick Stephani (1930s “Flash Gordon” serial) for a sequel called “Brazzaville”.

    http://www.vincasa.com/indexcasasequel.html

    It’s not too long, only about 2,500 words, and well worth reading, both as film history and as an example of story development.

  • Kirk Diggler

    Miss Universe – I want to say I read something recently from this writer, something with a psychotic woman and her baby and the teenagers who would earn her wrath? Or maybe that was someone else.

    page 1 – “built like a Barbie Doll recalled for promoting an unrealistic body standard.”

    Don’t have a prob with this description per se, other than the fact that ALL Barbie Dolls promote an unrealistic body standard. So it’s a bit redundant. Maybe it might be better to say that ‘even the makers of Barbie Doll object to her body dimensions’.

    page 2 – funny joke with the sick kids- Farrelly-like.

    Page 3 – funny sight gag with the radiation suit, shows us how vapid and shallow she is more than dialogue could.

    page 5 – ‘We hate you, nurse!’ – chuckle

    ‘I hope those of you that are still with us will root for me in the big Miss Universe pageant!’

    — I will say that you are skating a fine line here. It’s funny, but also makes her extremely unlikable. Do i want to read a full script of someone this self-centered? The radiation suit gag works because it means she might be ignorant of how diseases like cancer or leukemia are spread. We can forgive her ignorance, but not her cruelty. Now others might say that it’s not truly a comedy until someone is insulted. At least she tells them to ‘hang on’.

    page 6 – ‘There were less people on the planet. Plus, it was before hi-def so you could
    barely make anything out.’

    There is at least one funny line per page so far. For some reason I keep seeing Anna Farris from “House Bunny” mode delivering these lines. There is a certain sincerity in which this line is said that doesn’t make it feeling insulting… even though it is. At least she is an equal opportunity offender, willing to slag sick kids and her mother.

    page 7 – ‘How could you? She’s a state! I outrank her!’ LOL

    typo – ‘Do you what I’ve sacrificed to get to Miss Universe?’

    page 8 – MISS RUSSIA: You call that a bathing suit? You look like a nun.

    MISS GERMANY: Which is about what her chances of winning are.

    I don’t know if this punchline is deliberately obtuse or not, but it doesn’t make much sense as rendered. Maybe a nun-themed joke would work better. After the nun line, Germany could say, ‘And your only chance of winning is if you got on your knees and prayed… and then put all the judges dicks in your mouth.’ Keeping with the rude humor.

    page 9 – I like the Miss Universe contestants reflecting their geo-political views at each other. The ‘Miss Sweden is neutral’ line is a good capper.

    — and the electricity in this room is simply… electric.”

    maybe ‘magnetic’ would work? Or something nonsensical like ‘unplugged’.

    page 10 – her answer to Chloe’s question is a bit unsatisfying. Yes, they tend to speak in cliches and you’ve managed to include a few of them there. But. It probably WOULD be a good answer for most of these vapid contestants. Rather than have her deliver 3 cliches wrapped in one, why not come up with something that fits her character?

    “Because although some people may not look very good, you shouldn’t judge a book by the words written inside but rather by what font you choose…’

    Something that sounds like it’s going to be the typical cliche but then actually sounds good for a second until you realize what she just said. In other words, she can’t even get the cliches correct.

    page 14 – “Hazz looks to a mixed-race woman, HULU,”

    if they’re alien, how would we know? Maybe she needs a description.

    page 18 – JANE : Holy shit, I thought you were a lamp. — lol

    Read up to page 26 – A fair amount of exposition was dropped over the pages leading up. Still some funny lines here and there, but I think the one thing working against this script is a rather one-note lead character. She seems to react the same to every situation, usually some form of confusion. Overall, some funny stuff and the transition to space happens quickly, but I’m not heavily invested in what happens to Miss Universe herself.

    • IgorWasTaken

      page 8 – MISS RUSSIA: You call that a bathing suit? You look like a nun.

      MISS GERMANY: Which is about what her chances of winning are.

      Take out “a” articles, and it works, IMO

      MISS RUSSIA: You call that bathing suit? You look like nun.

      MISS GERMANY: Which is about her chances of winning – unless she has very dirty habits. And knee pads.

      • Kirk Diggler

        A nun pun. Nice.

        • IgorWasTaken

          It was the author’s pun. I just tweaked it.

          Odd/frustrating thing: I write stuff like that myself that seems like it should work, but then doesn’t. Even to me. But I don’t know why. And then, months later, or even a year later, I smack myself when I realize it was a word or two off. Or I put the words in the wrong order so the rhythm was off.

    • cjob3

      Thanks, Kirk – I really appreciate this. I like your take on Jane’s pageant answer, I’ve never been happy with what’s there. Some great suggestions all around.

      Yeah Anna Faris was who I had in mind while writing. I haven’t seen The House Bunny (I should), but I pictured her character in Observe and Report

  • Ninjaneer

    My Vote: Miss Universe

    I wouldn’t be super excited to read Miss Universe but I think it has the best chance of capturing the attention of producers.

    I prefer thrillers but neither of the two listed had stories that interest me. I’m not a fan of mafia stories but I may be in the minority on that so prolly not a bad idea, just not for me. Congratulations on getting a psositive Blacklist review and getting it passed on to Warners though, that’s awesome.

    A story about a CIA agent is kind of a red flag for me . That’s just my bias though. Despite this Time to Forget would be my second choice. I like the WYSR.

    Unless a drama seems extraordinarily intriguing I’m not usually going to pick it up for a read.

    Street Sharks gets points for wackiness :)

    • Eric

      “Time to Forget would be my second choice. I like the WYSR.”

      Thanks. I spent more time than I care to admit on it. It’s hard to know what to say when you know you could ramble on forever.

    • Eric

      Double post

  • fragglewriter

    I read two this week.

    Rose: OMG, I thought about this script all day while I was writing mine because I too plan on writing a love story with a slavery setting. I’ve also watched about the first hour of “Fierce People”, and find it interesting when actors write. I’ve read until page 20. It seems a little too light on the conflict (not enough burden, too soap-opearish). It’s ok, but ramp up the drama. It’s slavery. Don’t be nice, unless your saving it for the middle end. Rose running away is drama and cause for death, but I need more bite.

    Valentino’s – First congrats to the good review and to Warner reading it. Even though they passed, they read it and that’s better than not being read at all. I read until page 6. Not to compare you with other Mob movies, but glad you didn’t bombard me with tons of characters and names too hard to remember, but I need a little more meat to these scenes. It’s good when there’s two people, maybe three in a scene, but they all have to want something. I hate to sound like a broken record, so I won’t. I’ll just tell you to keep on writing. because you’re writing is good.

    • aaron brooks

      Thanks for giving it a read! Would love to read yours when you’re ready to show it. Best of luck to you!

      • fragglewriter

        I haven’t written it yet as I’m still bouncing the story around in my head and also plan to write a few more scripts as I want my writing to improve. Hopefully, in 2 – 3 years. I’m really thinking of just making it a novel instead of a script, but I’ll see.

        • Aaron Brooks

          Cool man. Yeah I’m writing a novel too. Carson’s post last week inspired me!

          • fragglewriter

            Cool. Definitely keep us updated.

  • https://twitter.com/deanmaxbrooks deanb

    Damn. Early 90s had some CRAZY cartoons. Street Sharks, Biker Mice from Mars, Wild West Cowboys of Moo Mesa, Captain Planet. But I’ve always thought C.O.P.S.(88′-89′) was well-suited for a big screen adaption.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163438/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

  • tyrabanksy

    MY VOTE: MISS UNIVERSE.

    It was the only one that I read because it was the only logline that appealed to me (strictly taste and nothing to do with the other loglines not being great). I read it in its entirety and really enjoyed it. Thumbs up for the small twist at the end – I didn’t see it coming even though it was set-up beforehand. I was pretty satisfied with how everything wrapped up. Enjoyed the puking in the helmet bit. I don’t really have any notes. Thanks for the entertaining read!

    • cjob3

      Such a relief you hear you liked the end, you have no idea. Thank YOU for being entertained by the read!

  • http://www.cupulablogs.com/madmaxandrade Tiago Andrade

    Are you telling me someone took that joke about Miss Universe from 3rd Rock from the Sun and expanded it to a whole script?…

    By Zarquon, I need to read this thing RIGHT NOW.

    • cjob3

      Aw, really? Is it the same idea? Aliens assume she’s earth’s representative?

      • S.C.

        There’s a reference in THIS episode at about 11:00, but… it has nothing to do with your script, just a generic reference.

  • Andrea Moss

    Valentino’s. Nuff said!

  • andyjaxfl

    I didn’t get that from the pages I read but maybe it comes out later.

  • Shawn Davis

    Absolutely …Miss Universe!!!

    Shawn…..><

  • S.C.

    Alternative titles for Time to Forget (some more serious than others):

    The Absent-Minded Assassin
    Conscience
    Memory Schtick
    Mindf—
    The Perfect Assassin
    Politics of Memory
    Re: Bourne
    Willpower

    Hope that helps, Eric. Any other suggestions, hive-mind?

    • Eric

      Thanks, Scott. I like my titles to have multiple meanings in regards to my story, and on that level I liked the current title. But there are definite drawbacks making it harder to support.

      I kinda like Conscience. Re: Bourne would work wonders if someone ever demanded I turn this into the 5th Bourne movie.

      • S.C.

        On that level, Politics of Memory isn’t bad; it’s how historical events are remembered for political reasons, for example how history is written by the victors, and how certain events are erased from history.

        Re: Bourne was just a little joke, as was Memory Schtick.

        Mindf— is very modern, given you still get titles with the f-word in them.

  • carsonreeves1

    The Scriptshadow Newsletter has been sent, my friends! Check yours spam and promotions folders if it’s not in your Inbox!!!!!!!!

    • S.C.

      Thanks, Carson.

      Wish I could help you with the scripts you wanted.

      My usual source is a little light on spec scripts this year, and there’s hardly anything from the Brit List.

      Strange that American Hostage isn’t “out there” yet. Normally, with a spec sale like that…

    • Frankie Hollywood

      That Blind Spot poster title page is pretty badass.

      Do you think someone trying to break in could get away with adding something like that (I have a couple spare posters lying around I made for my TV pilot, Nightmare)?

      What would you think if you saw something like that from an amateur? Or should it be left to the pros?

    • Casper Chris

      Cool news about that Thai writer. Hope it takes off. The script sounds interesting.

    • Lucid Walk

      Ready Player One to become a movie? With Spielberg to direct? Best thing ever!

  • S_P_1

    Was Miss Universe previously reviewed on AOW????

    • klmn

      No. There was one weekend when Carson let everyone post their own loglines, and Cjob’s was the most popular out of maybe 800 posts.

      • S.C.

        It was the most popular logline that didn’t have a script. PET came second and was the one that was chosen for Amateur Friday.

        I think it was about 280-something loglines in all, at least by the end of the weekend.

        • S_P_1

          Thanks for clearing that up. I knew that script title sounded overly familiar.

  • Nicholas J

    1) We don’t see enough comedies reviewed on SS.
    2) Miss Universe got more laughs out of me than any other script in quite a while.
    3) My vote is for MISS UNIVERSE!

    • S.C.

      Not added up all the votes, but it looks like it’s going to be Miss Universe, barring any last-minute challenges.

  • hickeyyy

    No time to read this week, so I’m voting based on loglines. I have to go with Miss Universe.

    I really love the idea of Valentino’s though! I think if the script is done well, could be a cheaply-put-together Blue Ruin-esque flick in a contained location. A low budget director could work with that logline.

  • shewrites

    Good batch of loglines this week. Congrats all for making it.

    Miss Universe: love the logline. Very juicy. You can see the
    movie based on it.
    Stopped at p28 only because of time constraint. I want to get to the other scripts as well.

    Pluses:
    The writing is competent, the story moves swiftly and it
    reads fast.
    Jane is well drawn.
    We get to the abduction quickly.

    Minuses:
    Jane is very unlikable without the benefit of being compelling. I’m not sure an actress would be excited about playing a dumb character. Elle, in Legally Blonde was ditzy but no dummy.
    Her “Save the Cat” moment when she comes to the rescue of Miss Sweden rings false as it feels very out of character. But I love the line about leaving Miss Sweden be because she’s neutral.
    The exposition dump about her mother’s history feels clunky.

    Suggestions:
    Make Jane wanting to win the Miss Universe pageant be about her mother mostly. That would endear her to us more. And “smart” her up.
    Create dramatic irony by introducing the aliens before they abduct Jane. This way, you set up their expectations and we can’t wait to see their reactions when they “meet” her.
    A few typos.
    I will definitely read to the end eventually to see how it pans out.

  • Javier Eliezer Otero

    The only premise that took my attention was the Rose one, so I gave it a chance and I’m glad I did. For now it’s a [xx] worth the read for me. My only concern with the screenplay is the incest story between George and her mother Ellen. Found it very hard to digest, especially becuase it was too drastic. He was just her son and in a blink of an eye, her lover. I also don’t know what use is to move the story forward. So my advise to the writer is to change that. You really don’t need it in your story.

    • Kirk Diggler

      Ellen is his step-mother. She was 25 when she married George’s father, and George was 18 at the time, so there was no parental role played by Ellen.

      Plus it’s the South.

      • Aaron Brooks

        Thanks Kirk, you nailed it.

      • Javier Eliezer Otero

        Ok I missed that. Thanks for the clarification! Still don’t know if is that important to the story.

  • Frankie Hollywood

    Does anyone have Blind Spot, the TV Pilot Carson’s reviewing on Tuesday? I’d love to check it out.

    PLEASE and Thank You!

    lanzoweyn@live.com

    • charliesb

      Would you mind sending it to me? birdieey at g mail dot com

  • shewrites

    Time to Forget: The logline is a bit muddled. On one hand, there’s too much information, on the other, it’s too vague if that makes any sense.

    Couldn’t get past p10. Sorry.

    Pluses:
    There’s mystery from the get go. The first scene had me wonder what was special about the special connection between the father and daughter other than they are father and daughter (I know, that’s pretty special but not in a screenwriting way). I got that feeling because unless I’m wrong, a baby just being delivered doesn’t focus on things well just yet.
    Adam has amnesia.
    He is an asset for the CIA but is not aware of how that came to be.

    Minuses:
    Too many mystery boxes up front.
    Stilted dialogue.
    Clunky exposition given by Warren.

    Deal breaker for me:
    It seems to me that Warren could have personally given the envelope with the “folder bomb” to Adam. The “treasure hunt” type navigation though town to retrieve it makes no sense. If there’s a good reason for it and it comes later, it’s too late for me.
    Having him steal a phone when he could have been given a throwaway one makes no sense and leads to precious real estate used up for that in your first pages.

    P5” SALIL, Arab complexion: I would use Middle-Eastern instead. Arab can have very different complexions.

    Suggestions:
    Spread out the mystery boxes.
    If you want Adam to have to get the info on his target, then don’t have him physically be with Warren at first. Warren could give him instructions another way.

    Perhaps open with Adam coming to in a place that surprises him, he doesn’t know how he ended up there. He discovering the instructions to kill his target and there’s only a visual threat implied if he with his fails his mission, perhaps the photos of his daughter with a big cross over it, cliché sure but you get the idea.

    Good luck.

    • Eric

      Hey shewrites,

      Thanks for once over and I’m sorry it couldn’t take you further. Warren’s dialogue at the beginning has always given me trouble. It’s one of those situations where the character would want to be straight forward and to the point, but I have to figure out how to do that without it sounding clunky. As for his actions, I never really explain them per se, but the gist of where I’m writing from is that:

      Adam actually isn’t involved with the CIA, so Warren acts “personable” with him to get him going, but has him do a series of tasks that isolate him. It may not be by much, but I think a phone stolen on a whim is less traceable then a disposable bought in Radioshack at 10:06pm last Monday. The locker and it’s contents I also considered isolated from Warren. Perhaps he paid a third party to put them there, though I kind of like the idea that Adam put them there before his memory was erased. Basically I imagined the entire scheme to be set up so that if Adam is caught, none of the evidence would lead to anywhere but himself, including of course his own memory.

      Obviously that’s a lot to fit into ten pages. I guess I was hoping to limit the amount of details needed, but I’m always open to figuring out a better way to get them in, especially if the first ten has problems anyway.

      Thanks again!

  • Mike.H

    Just received NEWSLETTER. Great article. If anyone has READY PLAYER ONE, please forward:

    MAY1MSG at GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks!

    • Frankie Hollywood

      I’d also love to read, Ready Player One. How can you pass on a script that has the Four Corners of Spielberg?

      PLEASE and Thank You!

      lanzoweyn@live.com

      • Jeaux

        Hey frankie, would you mind sending it my way? Thanks.
        joe_lbp (at) yahoo dot com

        • S.C.

          Sent!

      • S.C.

        Can you tell us what the Four Staples of Spielberg are, Frankie?

    • S.C.

      Sent!!

      • Javier Eliezer Otero

        Could I have it, also? Please! javierotero26 at hotmail.

        • S.C.

          Sent!!!

          • Javier Eliezer Otero

            Thanks!!!

          • AMinus

            Would you be willing to send it my way? Please, please. aminus12@hotmail.com

          • S.C.

            Sent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Dan B

            Hey- could you pass on that Ready Player One once more? Dblixbreen @ gmail.com . Thanks!

          • S.C.

            Sent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Midnight Luck

        could you possibly send along to me?
        Thanks a million.

        m (at) blackluck dot–com

        • S.C.

          Sent!!!!!!!!!

          • Midnight Luck

            Gracias. Appreciate it so much.

  • shewrites

    Rose: Read to p29
    Pluses: the writing is good. It reads fast.
    There’s a ton of conflict.
    Minuses: The story hasn’t grabbed me. It could be because “Twelve Years a Slave” is still very much alive in my mind and I can’t help and compare it with Rose. It’s unfair, I know.
    I wish the writer well. If it gets selected, I will read the whole of it.

    • Aaron

      Thanks for giving it a read ! Much appreciated!

  • shewrites

    Valentino’s: great logline ending with a promising cliffhanger.
    Read to p16: is it me or has the format been tweaked to have more on the page?
    Pluses: I am a sucker of Italian American stories so I went in with a positive bias. So far, it delivered for me.
    The writing is good. The family’s inner relationships work and provide enough conflict. The set-up works and creates anticipation.
    Minuses: I’m not sure I like the opening scenes or rather that the introduction of the robbers comes first. It was such a good scene that I wanted more about them there and then. Cutting to the Italian family was (almost) a let down. I understand that it is meant to show us how ruthless the bank robbers are and thus make us fear for the family.
    Suggestion: Maybe find a way to move the bank robbery down the script and only have the scene with Officer Rick Poplar as an opening. I imagine he comes back later to play to big part?
    Street Sharks:
    Read to page 20.
    Pluses: the family dynamics are very well set up. The writing is decent.
    Minus: Not the writers faults but monster type stories are not my cup of tea. I found the hybrid creatures more grotesque than scary. Sorry.
    My vote: Valentino’s.
    Request (though I know It’s hard to implement): I wish we were comparing apples with apples every week. It’s tough/unfair to compare different genres.
    Congrats to all of today’s picks and good luck.

  • Javier Eliezer Otero

    What the fuck, Aaron. Did you really killed Henry. Why the heck you were thinking about. This is a story of hope in a hopeless time. You need to rewrite this, urgently. Please he can’t die. Or at least not that sooner.

    • pmlove

      Anything that elicits a strong reaction like this can’t be bad.

      • Javier Eliezer Otero

        It’s not bad perse, but you care so much for them that you want them end up together. This is a really good story, anyhow!

    • Kirk Diggler

      Hey dummy, why are you posting spoilers for those you haven’t read it yet? Get a clue.

      • Javier Eliezer Otero

        So sorry. I was so shocked that I didn’t think of anyone else but myself. MY BAD! Won’t happen again… But I wasn’t the only one who mention Henry’s dead.

        • Kirk Diggler

          Okay, just warn you are going to post a spoiler by doing something like ******SPOILER AHEAD*************

  • AMinus

    Halfway through Miss Universe, and so far so good. I’m digging it.

  • S.C.

    Sent! Couldn’t find THE HOUSE yet.

  • Lucid Walk

    I must say, I respect the writers of STREET SHARKS.
    Just because you don’t own the property rights, it doesn’t mean you can’t write your own story (as long as you credit the original authors whether you sell your work or not). I myself am working on a remake of THE LAST AIRBENDER.
    Will it ever get produced? No.
    Will it ever get read? Probably not.
    Can I still write it if I’m passionate about the source material? Of course I f****** can. (sorry)

    • Zero

      Plus, I think it might be good practice in the case you’re ever hired to write an adaptation of a tv show/toy line/novel.

      How much better practice it is than writing a really good original script, I don’t know, but it has to be at least a tiny bit better.

      Of course, the majority of one’s scripts should be original, but it won’t be an absolute waste of time to do one or two of these kind of projects.

      • Midnight Luck

        I am writing

        SLINKY vs. THE STAIRWAY TO HELL

        My Lego, Play-do, Transformers, TMNT movie

  • S.C.

    Don’t have Consent to Kill, but I do have another Vince Flynn script called American Assassin.

    I’ve got a script called Shadow Run by Joe Gazzam. Is that the one you’re after?

    If you want either, leave an e-mail address.

  • S.C.

    Done!

  • S.C.

    Sent! Did a little detective work and found your e-mail! Check your inbox.

    • Bacon Statham

      You’re my new favourite person. Thanks for the scripts, man. Unfortunately, I’ve got no way of getting any new scripts, so I can’t be of much help to you. I tried looking for ECO for you. I remember reading it, but I didn’t save it.
      And it wasn’t Shadow Run, no, but I appreciate it all the same.
      This is what Shadow Runner is about. Sounds right up my street.

      http://deadline.com/2012/05/sony-pictures-sets-chris-cantwell-chris-rogers-to-draft-shadow-runners-for-thors-chris-hemsworth-269002/

      • S.C.

        I think SHADOW RUNNERS was one of those projects that just died. Neat idea, maybe a first draft, then people moved on to other things. Happens all the time.

        Oh, and I got ECO, thanks!

  • Kirk Diggler

    Read 30 pages so far of ROSE: It gets my VOTE. Enjoyed the story so far, a god villain in George and a protagonist that’s impossible not to root for. The escape and chase scene with the dogs was pretty good.

    Rose – page 11 – typo “Time has past.” (passed)

    page 12- ” Ellen stands on the porch. The stress of living with a drunk and the grief of miscarriages has aged her prematurely.”

    How would you film this? Only dialogue could reveal this. Unless she had some stillborns and you showed their tiny graves.

    • Brooks

      Oh shit tiny graves. That’s dark but I like it! Thanks for reading and giving great notes! I’ll definitely think about the graves. But for me the action description there is for the actress. The information is not important for the story but the actress has to know what’s happened to her character

  • charliesb

    if anyone has the script for Book of Henry and could send it my way, I’d be forever grateful.

    birdieey at gmail dot com

    thx

  • Javier Eliezer Otero

    Ok, I already finished Rose and I have mix feelings. First of all, I think the logline is wrong. The premise gives an impression of a Romance and it is not a Romance story. I know understand why (****MAYOR SPOILER HERE, by the way****), Henry has to die. But when you write a logline dictating “Falls in love” or “attempt to run away together” the reader is going to expect a love story with happy ending. So I suggest a minor logline modification. Other issue I had with the screenplay was George and Ellen relationship. I still think that it is irrelevant to the story but if you do think that it is important, you’ll have to develop that relationship much more carefully, because as I said before, for me it was too drastic. In a blink of an eye they were messing with each other. Also, how is it possible that after Henry’s death, Ellen as a mother, continues a relationship with George? The principal responsible of her son’s death. Think about that.

    But what the heck, It was a really good read and I think it deserves attention. This guy, has a voice and his use of dialogs are top notch! Really great dialogs indeed, that was the most I enjoyed from the story.

    [x] Worth the read – A Romance story with a happy ending would be better choice, in my opinion.

    • Aaron Brooks

      Thank you Javier I appreciate you taking the time! Yes I had to kill him as it turns out. In order for the end to work. It was t easy but I had to.

  • Jeaux

    My vote goes to Miss Universe. Read the whole thing. Well written, funny, feels like a movie. I didn’t feel Jane was unlikeable as some other readers mentioned.

    • cjob3

      yay!

  • lesbiancannibal

    My vote goes to Miss Universe.

    I rarely vote but lurk and read consistently. Miss Universe is one of the best AF offerings I’ve read, definitely the best comedy.

    It’s a great concept very well executed. Nice Men in Black tone, some really funny moments and a fast read.

    Reckon it’ll do something.

    Loved the line about I’m your father; and the one about eating the innards of a squirrel.

    One note: The electricity in this room is… electric – think you might have accidentally stolen that from Dodgeball, but I could be wrong.

    Apart from that, good job!

    • cjob3

      Thanks! That’s awesome. So glad you liked it. And thanks for the specifics, it’s helpful to hear what lines work and which don’t. I’ll have to investigate this Dodgeball thing, but it wouldn’t kill me to lose that line.

      In the EXTREMELY early days of the script, Alien Jane ended up on a Jerry Springer like talk show and kills a few members of the studio audience. I abandoned the script when, a few weeks later, Kang and Kudos did the same thing on the Simpsons Halloween Special!! Now that HURT.

  • Casper Chris

    Try searching for “scriptshadow” in your mailbox. Works for me in Gmail.

    • http://gophergold.wordpress.com/ Dave Lerner

      Tried it. No good. Thanks, anyway.

  • S.C.

    dONE!

  • Jeaux

    Just curious, but if it reads like fan fiction, what is it a fan of? I didn’t get that at all so just wondering.

  • S.C.

    Sent!!!!!!

  • Citizen M

    My vote this week goes to MISS UNIVERSE or TIME TO FORGET, both with fast-paced openings but possible 2nd act problems.

    MISS UNIVERSE

    Read to page 26. Was going like a Boeing until page 21 and two men in black suits appeared when it suddenly looked like this bright and original script was turning into every other alien conspiracy script. The alien conference page 22-26 went on too long. Too much exposition.

    I see the writer has submitted two comedy pilots previously. They were quite decent. He clearly has a good feel for comedy. If the momentum of the first 20 pages could be maintained we would have a smash hit winner here.

    TIME TO FORGET

    Read to page 35. Lots of action but starting to get clichéd. Digging chip out of arm with glass shard — so yesterday. Also, chase scene goes on too long. We need more story to give the action meaning. But very good action writing, and putting hero in ever-worse situations. Definite potential here.

    STREET SHARKS

    Read to page 11. Still needs a lot of work — reactions, scene-setting, how characters get between scenes, time passing, etc etc. The nitty-gritty of fleshing out a story. The concept seems spoofy and Sharknado-like, but more expensive CGI. I wonder what the market is for this?

    p. 3 – Good display at the ball, but how do brothers react to it? We only get Dr Bolton’s.
    p. 5 – Too much stuff we the audience know nothing about.
    p. 9 – Radio Host (Pre-lap) not (V.O.)
    p. 9 – Set the scene in the office. What does it look like? Grand or pokey? We should be able to deduce something about Dr Bolton from his office.

    ROSE

    Read to page 8. Pretty clichéd and predictable so far. Unfilmables. Sparse descriptions. Not getting a period feel. I think the writer needs to do more research.

    VALENTINO’S

    Read to page 11. Had to keep reminding myself Nicola was a man. God knows why writers keep using unisex names. I don’t know why Papa is so angry at Nicola. What has he done wrong? I also don’t get a feel for the social stresses, maybe because I’m not American. None of the characters is interesting or memorable, so there’s no incentive to read on.

    • Brooks

      Thanks for taking the time to read M. Been a fan of your comments for a time now. If you have any specifics you want to relay, if you have time, I would appreciate it. b(dash)rooks@hotmail.com

    • cjob3

      “Going like a Boeing.” I love that. I read it aloud to my British friend and she said “I bet he’s not from America.” As I read on I see she was right. She usually is.
      I could definitely tighten up that aliens-explain-everything-to-Jane scene. Fair point. I have thought about it. Those Men in Black though only serve to get us into the AJ subplot. They’re not in the story much at all.
      Thanks for taking a look!

    • cjob3

      FWIW, I read the first 20 or so of “Time To Forget.” I thought it was awesome. Smooth, fast, pro-level action. I’d totally see that movie. Seems on par with a Taken or Bourne. (Though I agree a new title may be in order.) I’ll probably read the rest.

      Also, “Street Sharks” is very well written. It’s hard to introduce that many characters at once and have them sound distinct but I thought the writers did a masterful job. Again, it felt like professional screenwriting. I wasn’t familiar with the cartoon so I watched the pilot on YouTube and I’m sorry to say, I thought it was horrible. D-list Mutant Turtles. I guess I like the visual of their fins tearing through concrete but that seems to be their only cool move. One-trick pony sharks. And I can’t help but get annoyed by how much needless property damage they cause by doing that. So I think the writers did a great job with terrible source material. Sorry, but there’s something about sharks wearing pants I just can’t accept.

      • Eric

        Hey cjob. Thanks for the kind words. I’m gonna give Miss Universe a read and depending on what happens Friday, either post my thoughts here or over at simply scripts (where I’m semi-active).

    • Eric

      Thanks for giving Time to Forget a look. You make a good point about the chase being too long. I think I sensed this but was too proud of myself for being able to write a long chase that, to me, didn’t feel extended needlessly. But if I cut out that microchip entirely I could probably kill 4-5 pages from the early acts. The section after the chase is where I tried to slow it down and bring the characters into focus before ramping up again around the midpoint. But I have noticed that shortening the chase would bring the other structural beats closer to their “proper” position.

      Thanks again!

  • cjob3

    Interesting point about the Galaxy Quest crew bluffing their way through as opposed to Jane who ‘fesses up immediately. I never considered the alternative, believe it or not. Thanks for the insight!

  • Brooks

    Thank you Kate! Means a lot!

  • witwoud

    Can’t really vote because I only read the one script, but I’d love to see MISS UNIVERSE get a good probing on Amateur Friday. Decent comedies are a rare thing round here.

  • HRV

    I read the first 10 – 15 of all.
    I think we have a difference in film types here, and the reason a number have picked ROSE. It is more of a story that hits one on an emotional level — the only one that made me feel angry in the opening pages. It seems to be more of an Academy Award type of story/film, followed to a lesser degree by VALENTINO, whereas the others are your general entertainment fare — nothing wrong with that. But we’re comparing apples to oranges.
    I found TIME TO FORGET intriguing enough to want to read more. I didn’t really laugh at much in MISS UNIVERSE, but I’d still be interested to see what happens.
    ROSE: Pg. 3: AN SHOULD BE A. Pg. 8: You could use MONTAGE instead of the three CUT TOs.
    TIME TO FORGET: Pg. 2: Barrings should be bearings.
    As usual, I have a hard time voting without having read the entire scripts — especially since they’re all so different. Looks like it will be between ROSE and MISS UNIVERSE. Congrats to all who made it this week.

    • Brooks

      Thanks for reading HRV! Appreciate you taking the time!

  • cjob3

    You have a great vocabulary. “Corrosive and cynic verve,” I f*!#^in’ love that. Thanks a lot for reading as much as you did. I definitely need to work on Jane’s likeability. She doesn’t seem to be winning over the judges. Appreciate your input!

  • HRV

    I read all of ROSE and up to pg. 76 of TIME TO FORGET today.
    ROSE: Well done. That Bill was a real bastard — the kind of man true Christians would loathe. God has a plan. Yeah, well so does Lucifer. Slavery is such a hot topic to tackle — probably the blackest spot in American history, that we’re still paying for. Be a whole different country had it not taken place.
    Pg.
    53. we hear the… words reversed.
    64. worse = worst.
    97. Ellen is one to sit, not Rose.
    TIME TO FORGET: Easy, smooth read. Gut reaction while reading was that I wanted more to have happened in those 75 pages. I’ll try to finish tomorrow.
    Pg.
    ? ‘Scus(e)
    32. breaks = brakes.
    61 (of) Kanani’s.
    Carson has probably chosen by now, so… I’ll probably finish MISS U. as well. There’s just not enough time.

  • cjob3

    you could have fooled me.