amateur offerings weekend

Congratulations to Logan Martin, the writer of “Meat,” who just signed with Good Fear this week! They’re going to go out with the script this weekend. So if you’re a producer or financier whose interested in “Meat,” make sure to get in touch with Good Fear by tomorrow.

Regardless of whether you liked the script or not, this is a win for screenwriters. Logan grew up in North Dakota and lives in Florida. So he’s about as far away from Hollywood as an American can get. If he can get a legitimate shot, why can’t you?

“Meat” is also a win for those writers with unique voices. I believe there are a lot of readers out there like me who are so sick of the current trend that they can’t wait to read a script that’s the complete opposite. And that’s what Meat was. It was the anti “Female John Wick.”

With that said, if you have a fresh take on a trend, by all means, I’m up for that too. In fact, I’m giving a Female John Wick a shot this week. Let’s hope it doesn’t disappoint! But mostly, I’m up for a fresh take on a familiar idea with intriguing/compelling characters who have to resolve some issues before their 100 pages are up.

How to play Amateur Offerings: Read as much of each script as you can and submit your winning vote in the comments section. Winner gets a script review next Friday!

If you’d like to submit your own script to compete on Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot. Good luck!

Title: Siege Perilous
Genre: sci-fi/mystery/thriller
Logline: A UFO Investigator gets in way over his head when he stakes out a space observatory that has secretly recorded radio signals from another world.
Why you should read: Siege Perilous was a semi-finalist in the Page Awards this year. Didn’t make the finals, but the feedback has been positive. Though it’s a sci-fi thriller, the script is a love letter to kids who’ve grown up in a single parent home or just felt like they didn’t know their place in the world. Tonally, it’s a cross between Spielbergian optimism and Fincher’s cynicism. Enjoy, I hope.

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Title: The Seventh Rule
Genre: Contained Psychological Thriller
Logline: In order to save his kidnapped daughter and earn a chance at redemption, an abusive father is forced to work with and trust the stranger suffering from amnesia he has tied-up in his basement, even as it becomes increasingly clear that this man is involved in her disappearance.
Why you should read: We won’t bore you with the details of contest finishes, though they do exist as we have been paying our dues for roughly a decade. All you need to know is that THE SEVENTH RULE won’t disappoint you. It has GSU and is a quick and entertaining read. It is marketable with strong leads and limited locations. It takes risks (such as the first line of dialogue not being spoken until page 5), and we hope it forces the reader to take sides even if that gamble works against us later. We want you (and anyone else that reads it) to have a reaction. If you’re not engaged and curious after the first 10 pages, we’ll understand if you want to stop reading, but our bet is that you won’t put it down. Enjoy!

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Title: 100 Proof
Genre: Horror-Comedy
Logline: Animal House Goes to Hell. A geeky college freshman joins a fraternity that’s secretly run by a Lovecraftian cult.
Why You Should Read: Many moons ago, I was in a fraternity at a major party school and while I do not recommend anyone ever joining such an organization, I believe the experience provided me insight into the mindset of powerful, rich and predominately white men, such as the current US president. This script is a horror satire meant to skewer that mindset.

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Title: CLUB LAVENDER
Genre: 1 hour DRAMA
Logline: Club Lavender follows a transgender cabaret singer forced to go undercover for the fbi to infiltrate a gay private club run by an alleged communist gangster.
Why you should read: My script received a recommend on the trackingboard.com in 2016 and yet nobody would touch it because it was too niche. This was when transgenderism was beginning to get mainstream news after Caitlyn Jenner’s recent reveal. Now it’s a year later and I believe it’s the right time for more daring television surrounding controversial matters. Most importantly, my script exists in the new age of television and as such, takes a no hold’s barred approach to the aspects of story realism and grit. So read at your own caution.

Screen Shot 2017-09-21 at 5.45.28 PM

Title: A GOOD DEATH
Genre: Action/Crime
Logline: When the mob kills her fiancé and comes after her, a former prostitute uses years of street survival skills to take the mob on head-on in a bloody battle for survival and revenge.
Why you should read: Samantha (“Sammy”) is my answer to the unrealistic “super-women” Hollywood has been giving us. The victim of a tragic childhood, she ran away from home when she was thirteen and learned to survive on the Chicago streets alone. Yeah, she’s special. If she wasn’t, she’d be dead. She’s an athlete and she’s smart, street-smart. She has more than her share of flaws, but her many friends know they can count on her if they need help. And she’s a survivor. She won’t go down easy. A strong female protagonist, plenty of action, a high body count, betrayals, twists, a woman’s desperate struggle to survive. That’s Sammy’s story. I would really appreciate getting comments/suggestions on it.

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  • klmn

    First, motherfuckers.

  • James Michael

    If amateur offerings teaches us nothing else, let it be the importance in writing ideas that people will actually want to read. This might seem like an obvious statement, but it so obviously isn’t. Of these 5 scripts, 1 maybe 2 interest me (based off the concept). Generic thriller. Generic action. Generic comedy. It’s sad because these are ideas that if I thought of I’d probably get excited about and try to write.(at least at one point in my life).

    Even if you dont read the scripts here each week, I think it’s important to read the loglines objectively and ask if this is an idea you’d want to read. Then apply that to ur own scripts. I’ve written so many scripts I shouldn’t have. Scripts with flawed concepts

    . My new goal as a writer is to writer better ideas and that starts here. By seeing what a bad idea is and how to avoid it. Easier said then done, and it takes time, practice and a lot of bad scripts.

    And good luck to the writers this week. This comment isn’t so much s reflection of this weeks offerings, but the writing process as a whole.

    • scriptfeels

      Yea I feel like all of my ideas recently are thrown in that well. Better to write something than nothing though!

      • PQOTD

        Spinning your wheels isn’t helpful. At least you’re maintaining momentum. :)

        • James Michael

          I agree. It’s the old adage ‘no script written is a waste of time.’ But after a while I also want to write something good that others will like haha

    • Malibo Jackk

      Two of the concepts appeal to me.
      One that doesn’t might be an indie.
      I think all five first pages are fairly good.

      I think we know that most scripts are going to go nowhere.
      So here’s an important take away about CONCEPT —
      A lot of SS amateurs found numerous flaws/had problems with last week’s script.
      But MEAT seems to be finding some traction.

      Everything they said was bad about that script – would have killed an ordinary screenplay.

    • LostAndConfused

      I think what a lot of us should be doing more is paying attention to those click bait articles on facebook. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading about stories from an article titled “Stories of police officers who had to awkwardly arrest their friends.” Even knowing that I was being baited into a website running 100 ads at a time, I still plunged in just because that premise was so fascinating.

      Paying attention to them has helped me understand what kind of stories attract people’s attention.

  • Sly

    Hi, writer of club lavender here. I’ve talked a lot of shit about uniqueness and all that fun stuff. Some of you read it on here and liked it. Appreciate the chance and wishing the other writers the best of luck.

    • PQOTD

      Hi Sly, congrats on getting your script in to AOW. Good luck!

      • Sly

        Thanks. Hopefully people give it a chance and not dismiss it based on the subject matter although I can aready see that happening. Oh well, the exposure is great.

        • PQOTD

          I’ll be cracking it open for a look. I’m doing post-grad work on related issues, plus I’m a history buff.

          Btw, have you read Alan Berube’s ‘Coming out under fire’? About LGBT folk who served in WWII? It’s a terrific read.

          • Sly

            I haven’t. I’ll definitely give it a look.

  • Poe_Serling

    AOW – Dessert Edition

    The extra day should benefit all the featured writers. More feedback
    and such to help them with their future rewrite efforts.

    Kinda cool to see a UFO project in the mix after C’s Close Encounters
    post.

  • klmn

    OT. You know, Carson, if you want dessert I could send you something.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4712dc345144c802de51a0dceb544da472e4fdc618fbe74ec35d2f0186ca2a6.jpg

    • PQOTD

      New avatar, k! Dick Dastardly gone green. :)

      • klmn

        Did they call him Dick Dastardly in Australia? He was known as Snidely Whiplash here.

        • Poe_Serling

          Dastardly is from the cartoon series Wacky Races and
          others

  • Scott pilgrim fan

    100 Proof, I haven’t read your script, just saw the sample page in the article. But, on your first page, the images of the ftat you mention show “normal frat activities”, then the movie starts. But this is a Lovecraftian script, right? So shouldn’t those images have some supernatural elements, to signify what kind of weird horror this will be? (Yes, those images should be funny, because this is a comedy. But the montage, and the title screen, and the title, does not tell me this has any horror elements. It tells me this is a normal frat comedy. Is that intentional, as a surprise? You could hint at the horror, without throwing “Nyartholep front and center getting high” in the party montage.)

    I’m gonna check your script, because I like the idea. But just some constructive criticism.

    • UPB13

      You gave me a great idea for a band name: Cthulhu’s Bong.

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

    Was hoping I’d see my script, “The Commune”, on the reading list. Shucks!

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: Siege Perilous

    Genre: sci-fi/mystery/thriller

    Logline: A UFO Investigator gets in way over his head when he stakes out a space observatory that has secretly recorded radio signals from another world.

    And? We need the hook, the unique element to this story.

    “gets in way over his head” is vague and generic; it tells us nothing specific about YOUR story.

    “when he stakes out” is passive and dull. It’s a dude sitting in a car for hours. What must your hero DO?

    “a space observatory that has secretly recorded” That’s in the past. What are the consequences NOW?

    “radio signals from another world.” If I read this on the front page of the Times or the Post I’d be excited. Oh my god, have we discovered sentient life in the universe? But in the world of sci-fi it’s an old idea.

    The logline has to tell us who the hero is, what he must do, and at least imply what happens if he fails.

    As it stands, nothing here to fire my interest in this story.

  • Scott Crawford

    Votes so far…

    • PQOTD

      Voting post established – tick for Scott.

      Emails sent – tick for me.

      We are ready to rock and roll…

      • The Old Man

        Thanks for the heads up PQ. I appreciate it.

    • Sly

      I think club lavender got the vote from Randy Williams, Scott.

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: The Seventh Rule

    Genre: Contained Psychological Thriller

    Logline: In order to save his kidnapped daughter and earn a chance at redemption, an abusive father is forced to work with and trust the stranger suffering from amnesia he has tied-up in his basement, even as it becomes increasingly clear that this man is involved in her disappearance.

    The title sets up a vague echo; wasn’t there some crappy horror movie called The Seventh something? [searches IMDB]. Oh, yeah. There’s the Bergman borefest “The Seventh Seal” where the knight plays chess with death (I love Bergman’s “Wild Strawberries” and appreciate “Persona.”) But I thought there was a shitty supernatural Johnny Depp movie with a similar title? [more googling]. Oh, yeah. The Ninth Gate.

    And then there’s “Seven.” So I was simultaneously reminded of a great movie and a shitty one. I’d change the title. I don’t know what the first six rules are so it means nothing to me what the seventh might be.

    Logline itself. Yeah, this is more like it, though some red flags exist. There’s something a little contradictory about your hero “forced to work with” someone and then we find out he has that someone “tied up in his basement.” Working with someone suggests they’re running around together doing stuff, while tied up suggesting he’s beating the guy for information about his kidnapped daughter.

    And then there’s the lack of connection [in the logline] between the father’s daughter being kidnapped and the fact he has some dude tied up in his basement.

    That’s a maybe for me. Writer’s should contact the company trying to hawk the Meat script.

    • Midnight Luck

      THE SEVENTH SIGN with Demi Moore.

      • JakeBarnes12

        That’s it. Not a movie I’d suggest invoking.

        • Midnight Luck

          I hereby invoke the curse, with this trailer I bring upon us the final sign, THE SEVENTH SIGN, may the apocalypse befall us all —> :)

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: 100 Proof

    Genre: Horror-Comedy

    Logline: Animal House Goes to Hell. A geeky college freshman joins a fraternity that’s secretly run by a Lovecraftian cult.

    Frat boys. Fuck off.

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: CLUB LAVENDER

    Genre: 1 hour DRAMA

    Logline: Club Lavender follows a transgender cabaret singer forced to go undercover for the fbi to infiltrate a gay private club run by an alleged communist gangster.

    What is it about the word “lavender” that’s synonymous with gay? Dude who wrote an excellent book on the cultural history of Batman talked about this. Anyway, good tile. F.B.I is capitalized (especially the way Keanu says it).

    Here’s the problem. Take out the transgender element and this sounds very generic. Communist gangster — is this set in the late 40s or 50s?

    Oh, just saw it’s not a movie. So every week the hero will be undercover in this club? It’s not a premise for a series.

    • Sly

      It’s written as a cable network pilot. I would seriously ask you to reconsider dismissing it based on if you feel it can be a series. The writing is good and the story is compelling. It also involves the presence of gay secret societies as well as rumored gay dignitaries of the red scare era including j edgar hoover.

      The script is written as espionage thriller and if you’re a fan of FX the Americans you would like this script.

      • JakeBarnes12

        Hi Sly,

        I think the title and setting, a private gay club in the 50s (you need to include the period in the logline) are awesome.

        How do you see the first season developing? What does each episode look like plotwise?

        In The Americans our heroes often have different missions each week; infiltrate a military base, assassinate a defector, etc. There’s a lot of space for variety there.

        In your idea there is just one target for the whole season; the communist gangster and your hero is in the club trying to get close to this guy for eight to thirteen hours. It’s going to take a lot of twists and turns to keep that one close-quarters dynamic fresh and engaging.

        If the gangster gets taken down end of season one, what does season 2 look like?

        If you’re pitching this in meetings, you will be asked these questions.

        • Sly

          There isn’t just one target the whole season. The script is taking place during the COINTELPRO era of the red scare so while we have the main lead infiltrating the club, we also have the whole subplot of the murder she commited in self defense at the end of the first act of the pilot, which involves the son of the Colombo crime family. And then there’s also the subplot of uncovering gay identities within the police force itself.

          • JakeBarnes12

            So, subplots aside, the hero’s SEASON goal is to bring down the gangster and SERIES goal is what? To get out from under the thumb of the FBI?

            I’ll try to find time to read some pages later.

          • Sly

            The hero’s season goal is to get out from under the thumb of both the FBI and the gangster because both parties know she killed the son of the mob boss in self defense so she is going to get played by both sides as they blackmail her.

            The drama comes in her switching allegiances to suit her situation as the series progresses as well as doing all she can to prevent the colombos from placing her at the scene of the death of a made man
            .
            On a personal level, the hero will be dealing with her dual identity as a transitioning individual. She will also have to reconcile her tepid relationship with her father who is also part of the underground gay secret society

    • PQOTD

      ‘Lavender’ used to be a codeword for queer. Lavender marriages was the most common term where a gay man usually married a lesbian or bi woman to keep up appearances of respectability. Used to happen a lot in Hollywood, politics, the military – anywhere with overtly heteronormative values (even if they were total b-s).

      • JakeBarnes12

        Yeah, “Club Lavender” is a great title — you get immediately that it’s LGBT-themed.

        Dude who wrote the Batman cultural history is gay and he talks about growing up being very aware of all the coding in early Batman.

        • PQOTD

          Oh, there wasn’t coding just in ‘Batman’. (Charlton Heston would’ve been horrified if he’d known the truth about ‘Ben Hur’, so he was kept in the dark). All those old 50s Westerns where actors admire each other’s guns, for instance – uh-huh… There’s a doco called “The Celluloid Closet” that’s very illuminating.

          • JakeBarnes12

            I’ve heard of the doc but haven’t seen it yet. Must check it out.

            If Heston had found out what Ben Hur was really about he’d have dumped the script and done Spartacus instead.

            Now there’s a movie with no funny stuff on its mind.

          • PQOTD

          • Wes Mantooth

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: A GOOD DEATH

    Genre: Action/Crime

    Logline: When the mob kills her fiancé and comes after her, a former prostitute uses years of street survival skills to take the mob on head-on in a bloody battle for survival and revenge.

    Straight.

    To.

    Video.

    • The Old Man

      Hey Jake,
      I’ll take Direct-To-Video. I’m not a greedy person. A GOOD DEATH was written specifically for an A List actress, or someone who wants to be one.

      • Scott Crawford

        Go ethnic. Black, brown, Latin, native. Plenty of actors of color who’d like to be actors with mortgages.

        • The Old Man

          The script is actually opened ended for any of those options. No nationality is specified. So, yeah, black, brown, Latin, etc. Go for it.

  • Sly

    Hello, I appreciate you giving my script a chance. I unbolded the character names in the draft I posted.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/en1vt8agd6fsc07/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

    Hopefully Carson updates the script with it. Again, I appreciate you at least recognising the worth of the writing and not just dismissing it based on preconceptions. Bless.

  • Sly

    I submitted it in the comments 3 weeks ago and it got good reviews. Never had it on Amateur friday though.

  • Sly

    Ah Danke.

  • Paul Clarke

    Put me down for a vote for CLUB LAVENDER.

    I’ve read it before and it’s of the highest level, and the current slate of cable TV shows are making it look more and more feasible.

    I have a feeling it won’t be Carson’s cup of tea, but any exposure would be well-deserved.

    • Sly

      Thanks so much, appreciate the kind words.

  • Ashley Sanders

    I’m at work and am prevented from downloaded the scripts here by our firewall. So, I thought I’d talk about what I can see – just the page 1s.
    Siege Perilous
    The character introductions are very physical – eye colour, hair colour etc. Already you’ve discounted a whole bunch of actors?
    The 7th Rule
    I liked the first page of this. The only bit I wasn’t keen on was –
    That deceptive layer that covers the horrors beneath.
    I get that it tells us tone but I think it’s kind of cheating. It seems like something from a novel, not a screenplay – hopefully the script is good enough to keep us reading long enough to see those horrors beneath ourselves. Otherwise, nice first page.
    100 Proof – Good first page. I like it.
    Club Lavender – There are specific camera instructions on the first page. The plural of mask being masques threw me (I’m British). I checked this, it seems to be technically correct but I have never seen this used this way before. The bolding on a sound effect struck me as wrong – especially as the previous one wasn’t. Is it a noise threshold thing?
    A Good Death
    I’m not sure why the main character is introduced with 2 names not 1. There is some odd phrasing of description – the painting is on a wall. In an art gallery I kind of expect it to be on a wall. I think muscular should be muscularture?
    Sammy takes a cell phone call in an art gallery, isn’t that like taking a phone call in a library?

    Anyhow, some interesting first pages there – I will read more of the actual scripts when I can download them at home, but based on the first pages I wonder if The Seventh Rule and 100 Proof will turn out to be be the strongest scripts. I will be interested to find out if that holds true.

    • UPB13

      Funny, I read that and thought it was a British spelling! Definitely not American. Brings to mind The Masque of the Red Death (even though that’s about a masquerade).

      • Ashley Sanders

        Yep. I’d always thought masque and masquerade meant the same thing – a costumed ball or dance with masks. I wasn’t aware you could use masque as an alternative spelling for mask, apparently you can, but as you say, I doubt it’s in common use and threw me in this instance. Still, that’s my new fact for the day.

  • The Old Man

    Wow… what a way to wake me up in the morning. :)

    Hi everybody, I wrote A GOOD DEATH. I’m in shock right now, and nervous as all hell. I really didn’t expect this. And I’ll really appreciate any comments and suggestions I can get here. Thank You!

    • Scott Crawford

      Did having us help you with your logline help your chances if being picked? Say yes.

      • The Old Man

        Hi Scott,
        Yes! The help I got here definitely help me getting picked. I sent it in once before I asked for help, it didn’t get picked then. I don’t know why everybody doesn’t get advice here before send a script to Carson. You people are awesome!

        • Ashley Sanders

          The logline you’re using today is good – much improved on the ones you posted a couple of weeks back. Top stuff.

          • The Old Man

            Thanks! Even though I can’t take credit for it. :)

          • Scott Crawford

            Damn right you can’t. Good title too. Even though it’s been making me sing this all day.

        • RO

          I am happy about this and also jealous! Still waiting for my script to be on AOW. I’m going to check this one out again, see how it differs from my last read.

          So happy I’ve got some interesting weekend reading!

          • The Old Man

            Thank you RO. I appreciate you giving it another read. Let me know how far you get and what you think. And post your logline and WYSR here. The price is right, and you’ll get valuable feedback.

          • RO

            Will do. I have posted the logline here months before. My revisions helped get it read by a bunch of execs and manager prospects (meeting with three of them this weekend), but still am yearning for that coveted AOW slot :D

  • The Old Man

    I think about 3 weeks ago. It was the second time I sent it. I got great help with the logline from the good people here. In all honesty, I really didn’t expect this to happen.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      I think “The Old Man” is trying to fuck with me here. Matt’s question was directed at me. I’m the one who took action on this, not you. You’re outta line, Old Man.

      • Erica

        Sometimes I can’t tell if your serous or just kidding around.

        It does sound like you’re quoting a movie though so I’m hoping your just kidding, but

        “Those that made the list, how long ago did you email Carson?” That’s directed at those that made the list.

        If your not on the list, you don’t get in. You on the list? No, then next…

        But seriously, have you re done your logline or why to read? If it’s not getting picked that could be why as others have pointed out. Workshop it, fix it, submit it, bask in the glory of being on the list.

        • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

          Erica, I followed the proper instructions for an acceptable submission. I should get an Amateur Review. PERIOD! IF there’s any problem with my submission Carson should e-mail me back and tell me what that problem was. It’s called BASIC courtesy.

          Hopefully Carson WILL post my submission sometime in the near future, because I think you’re going to LOVE it! If you like dark sci-fi, I got a good one for you!

          #buildingmomentum https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/37e2a25c4482856530c3078e0c549e3b0887085b49bea08e46e4f2aac403cf09.jpg

          • Jaco

            Wait, what?

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Jaco, shouldn’t you be steering the Orville right now? Given that BIG responsibility you can’t afford to have you attention diverted.

            Imagine if the Orville’s paint gets scratched because of YOUR distracted diving. What are you gunna do, file a claim with the little lizard man from Geico? Nature of claim: dipshit commenter on Script Shadow. Excuses like that don’t fly. And repairs for interplanetary space ships aren’t cheap.

            Think, partner, think. What would a smart person? Then do what a smart person would do–fly the shit out that Orville spaceship and make Captain Kirk proud. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/657f9fd70ca7a301ce9ebbf8c21834aca90b575296b3b22669d09e22372c086d.jpg

          • Zero

            Unfortunately, that isn’t really how AOW works. You’re not guaranteed a spot if you just have an ‘acceptable submission’. Your email has to have something in it that will make it worth it for Carson to include. An interesting concept/logline/WYSR, some contest wins, a hot topic, or something like that. Even then, there are so many submissions that it may not make the cut, or may take a while to do so. Carson doesn’t have the time to actually respond to every submission.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Thanks for clarifying that. Gotta run now, the day job calls. Spent a good portion of the morning working on Super Colossal, need stop and get something to eat before my shift starts.

          • Erica
          • Erica
        • Jaco

          I think the Commodore 64 “art” tells you all you need to know.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Some people just don’t appreciate quality.

          • Jaco

            Meta-ironic comment of the day, maybe even week.

  • The Old Man

    Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve never heard of INTERCUT being right justified. Never seen it done. Help?
    Samantha and Johnny aren’t married, which is explained later in Act 1. When he is murdered, she’s gets nothing out of his estate. And yes, I wanted to show right off the bat that she can take care of herself.

    • A Man is No one

      Just imagine intercut with: is right justified.

      INT. SCRIPTSHADOW WRITING ROOM – DAY

      THE OLD MAN (90s) a grizzled pirate of a writer, sits at his desk.

      Distraught. Lonely.

      He takes out his cellphone and dials.

      INTERCUT WITH:
      EXT. POOL, DPRK – NIGHT

      [i]CARSON, our protagonist, steals a french fry off Marshall Kim’s plate, when his phone rings.[/i]

      THE OLD MAN
      Did you get there safely? I miss you.

      CARSON
      Drop dead old man. I’m with Kim now.

      [i] Carson tosses his phone in the pool, kisses Kim on the lips, and dives in.[/i]

      The Old Man cries into his double double, and detonates the nuke.

  • OpenFireFilms

    Hi all. Writer of Siege Perilous here. Thanks for any and all constructive feedback now and to come over the weekend.

  • Jarrean

    Congrats again to Logan!

    My vote split: Siege Perilous & Club Lavender

    Siege Perilous:

    Curious why the time jump is needed? Also, describing Daniel as how the mighty have fallen, when we’ve only known him as a 10 year old doesn’t work.

    I like your style of writing. It’s comfortable, familiar, and inviting. I’m not a fan of the cliches peppered through the descriptions, though.

    Stopped on page 10 because I want to get to the other scripts.

    Reread the logline/wysr, I think maybe reintroducing the opening scene later in the script will help. I’m not sure if it flows as well as it stands now. I’m assuming the mother is an alien, which is why the parents separated. Thus, making Daniel a hybrid of some kind?

    Will probably come back to read this later.

    The Seventh Rule:

    Bailed on page 4. Speed this up. Is this set in the current year?

    100 Proof:

    The only real note I have is maybe remove the montage if you’re going to go right into a party scene next. Otherwise, I enjoyed what I read. First laugh came on page 12 the make-up scene. Could totally picture it.

    This feels up James Franco/Seth’s alley.

    Curious as to where the horror comes in. Will probably read a bit more later.

    Club Lavender:

    I believe I’ve ready this a minimum of two times before already. Again, solid work here Sy. The dialogue really stands out.

    With that said, it’s my hope that you’ve been working on new projects. I was a little surprised to see this resurface, especially after the TB Announcement. Perhaps, save it for later and get another project back out there to market. Because when you hit, you’ll want to be able to show you have more than one piece of material.

    Best of luck! Maybe you’ll be the next Logan.

    A Good Death:

    I’m almost positive that this logline has been workshopped in the comments, no? Either way welcome to AO.

    Funny enough, I’m toying with my own Female John Wick in my head, so I’ll probably read this one in full.

    I don’t think it was intended but I laughed at the first set of dialogue. We get this set up of these people and then the dialogue is just so off putting. I couldn’t help myself.

    “Worry about yourself, pal.” The dialogue needs work.

    So, I’m really enjoying this. I only wonder with it being 2017… maybe making them escorts or something more current, IG models?? Idk. I start thinking about HBO’s The Deuce and then it all starts to feel dated.

    Stopped reading on page 10.

    Best of luck to all the writers. For me, this felt like a strong group of contenders this week.

    • The Old Man

      Thanks Jarrean,
      that would be great if you read the whole script and give me your thoughts. The opening dialog was meant to bring a chuckle. At one time I had a little not in there that the conversation starts with good-natured ribbing. Maybe I should put it back in.

    • Sly

      Danke fam, appreciate the vote.

  • Stephjones

    A Good Death: Hey, Robert. Congrats on the AF exposure! Enjoy all the feedback!
    I’ve checked this out before so, I only read to page 17. I see you’ve kept, what I considered to be, a deal-breaker in Sam’s characterization. You still have her using her current good fortune to ‘upscale’ her prostitute friends in order to exploit them. I suggested before that if this is meant to make her sympathetic then it fails miserably. She needs to try and elevate her friends out of a life of prostitution, not capitalize on them. I really don’t know what you are thinking.

    • The Old Man

      Hi Steph,
      I understand why you don’t like Sammy. She’s not meant to be likable, at first. She is who she is, the product of one hell of a life she’s lived so far. When her world quickly unravels, she does realize she has to change, and she does.

      I’ll consider how you feel, and maybe “soften” her up some. Thanks!

      • Stephjones

        Yeah. I kinda thought you were trying to keep her grounded in her upbringing but a female character who has a chance to help her friends and chooses to exploit them instead makes her seem irredeemably amoral and conscienceless. She does start off as a badass woman with a chip on her shoulder, which actually does make her interesting. But, a woman who only sees her girlfriends as objects to capitalize on is a sociopath, IMO, with no redeemable qualities.

        • Randall Alexander

          I read to pg 33. I’m in agreement with you 100%. Maybe have her giving her old friends money or setting them up with new jobs or something. Make her altruistic to them. Make me root for her.

          • The Old Man

            Give them money? Tell them to run away? Their pimps would find them and kill them. No, the only way she can help them is to move them up in class so they can meet better people and just maybe latch on to one of them like she did with Johnny.

            No offense, but it’s easy to judge people when you haven’t walked in their shoes.

          • Stephjones

            Whoa, Robert. You just relegated the women in your script as nonviable without men protectors/providers. How 1950’s of you.

          • Randall Alexander

            So “better people” are Johns with more money? Not buying it. That whole plot line doesn’t work for me. Doesn’t mean it won’t work for others. It’s an opinion, but I’m betting before the weekend is up, Steph and I won’t be the only two who feel that way. You’re a very good writer, scripts flows nicely. But this contest is so others can give their feedback. It’s not an indictment.
            And who am I judging? You lost me on that. Do tell. Very odd reply.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Casting a vote for SIEGE PERILOUS.
    (Will Update.)

  • Lucid Walk

    100 Proof

    • Scott Crawford

      Your vote or your drinks order?

      • hickeyyy

        Why not both?

        • Scott Crawford

          I didn’t know whether he’d covefed and he was going to post a longer comment. I’ll put it down as a vote.

          And don’t drink, kids.

  • Randy Williams

    Congrats to all for making it on AOW!

    Wish I had more time to devote to these entries this weekend, but trying to regain some normalcy in my life. Along with 700 other employees, I was laid off due to severe damage to our company from Hurricane Irma. I’m also dealing with maybe having to change my residence as well. When it rains, it pours!

    But, I read 10 pages of each and all of The Seventh Rule!

    The Seventh Rule was the only opening that really grabbed me. But, having finished it, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the content, not totally understanding much of it, except what I felt was an interesting business that could be a TV show with the police officer using the amnesiac to trap his “targets”. It was very much a psychological mind bender. And the ending with some safe haven just emphasized the ongoing straying from a realistic anchoring point, I kept being pushed away from, and that handicapped it for me after the intriguing opening.

    I’ve read Club Lavender before when the writer shared it in comments. I remember the writing as strong and what I read reinforces that. The writer might think about trying to contact Dustin Lance Black with a project like this.

    VOTE goes to CLUB LAVENDER.

    With honorable mention to The Seventh Rule.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      Sorry about your loss, Randy. I’ll be praying for you.

    • Sly

      Thanks for the vote of confidence. bLESS.

    • Thaddeus Arnold

      Sorry to hear you had it rough with the hurricane. Best of luck.

    • Stephjones

      Sorry to hear, Randy. Hope things improve soon!

    • Andy M (formerly andyjaxfl)

      I highly recommend you check out DUA, the Disaster Unemployment Assistance program, which provides financial support for those impacted by natural disasters.

      As a Florida resident, you are also entitled to unemployment checks since you were not fired and did not quit. That’s about $1,100/month — not a lot, but it will certainly help. Apply sooner rather than later!

      That’s quite an unethical move that your company made. Many companies, especially big ones, purchase business interruption insurance to cover these types of scenarios. The point of BII is so employees, particularly nonexempt employees, can continue to receive a paycheck.

    • Justin

      Sorry to hear that, man. I really hope things get better for you.

  • Poe_Serling

    LOVECRAFT VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

    The famous author taps into his incredible imagination to take on
    an army of space invaders.

    This one gets my vote this week.

    What? It’s not in the running.

    Oh, just having a bit of fun as usual.

    My final pick (at the bottom) boiled down to these two scripts:

    >>Siege P…

    You could sense the Spielberg vibe from the get-go with the
    first scene involving the father and son.

    A + for the writer in hitting one of his goals in his WYSR blurb.

    Even though I sorta know where this story is headed, it still
    might be a journey worth taking.

    Like I mentioned elsewhere, this UFO project makes a nice
    bookend to C’s Close Encounters post from Wednesday.

    >>100 P…

    A somewhat interesting mashup of Lovecraftian mischief and
    frat boy movies.

    The opening reminded of some of Brian De Palma’s earlier
    stuff, especially BLOW OUT.

    In today’s market this script could gain some traction due to
    its unique twist on things.

    At the end of the day:

    I’m just gonna split my VOTE: 1/2 for each.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing either one of these screenplays
    getting some time in the AF spotlight.

    Thanks to all the writers for sharing their work.

  • Sly

    You’ll enjoy the rest of the script. Here, take a gander.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/85kxwhqblfyt334/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

  • Jaco

    Only got time to check out the first page and give a few thoughts . . .

    Siege Perilous

    Sorry, too many questions that don’t have to do with your story . . . what is a “Rancher” – why capitalized? Same with “Maple Tree”. What’s with the semi-colons? Did someone change how they’re supposed to be used? Maybe I was taught wrong . . . why mention eyes so much with the description of Daniel and Doyle?

    And then questions about the set-up . . . why is Danny looking at the comics just now? Wouldn’t he have looked at these when dad picked him up?

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    The Seventh Rule

    List the contests . . . google shows this was a QF in Zoetrope back in 2015 . . .

    “That deceptive layer that covers the horrors beneath.” Huh? This sentence stands out like a sore thumb. A Boy . . .18? Just say TEEN. Sorry . . . the writing on this page is too confusing and taking a long time to say not very much. I’m neither engaged nor curious – and this is the first page.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    100 Proof

    The opening here reads like it was ripped straight from PROJECT X . . . except these images are even less inspiring. I actually don’t want to read to the end of the page – but I will . . . and, no thanks. The writing is clear and easy to understand – the topic isn’t one I’m interested in.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    Club Lavender

    Not bad, not bad at all. I like the tension created here. Instead of CRT . . TV probably would have been more clear. Maybe think about him opening the door . . . if this is supposed to be a secret meeting he doesn’t know about, why is the door open? Just a nit pick.

    Maybe. will decide at the bottom.

    A Good Death
    I dunno – the writing here was kind of passive and boring in a situation that felt like it should have a lot of conflict. Too much time stating the obvious, e.g., “Samantha continues to concentrate on the painting” . . .who cares? This sounds like a gritty premise – so amp things up here in the beginning. It sounds like this is a script that should be an action roller-coaster and you’re starting me off in the petting zoo.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    Well, my vote goes to CLUB LAVENDER. Only one of the bunch that I would read more of. A Good Death, comes in second.

    What I learned: Make things interesting. I don’t mean gunfights or the Earth exploding . . . just something that makes me want to turn the page and find out what happens next. God knows I fail at this task more than I’m successful . . . boring is easy, interesting is not.

    Good luck, writers! As last Friday shows, all you need is the right person to get excited about your writing – doesn’t matter how many people don’t connect with it.

    • Sly

      Thanks so much for the vote. Just in case you downloaded the hosted script, that is the wrong draft I sent to Carson.

      https://www.dropbox.com/s/85kxwhqblfyt334/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

      This is the one you should read if you feel like dropping some notes later on. Again, appreciate the vote.

    • The Old Man

      WooHoo! I avoided the shutout. :)

      Thanks Jaco, I’ll take 2nd place. The first action scene starts on page 2, and she kicks that guy’s ass outside the museum on page 3.

  • Stephjones

    Siege Perilous; read to page 25. Liked it. The intro to young Daniel seemed like a first choice, so I’d try to make that more interesting but I enjoyed what happened next.The emphasis on the GOLD EYES description of Daniel’s mother implied she might be an alien. Hope so. Will check out more over the weekend.

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

    Holy shit, is there another card carrying Switie (Taylor Swift fan) out there OR was Grendl singling out, little ol’ me! Hopefully this place is FILLED with Taylor Swift fans. That lady is SO talented. Case and point:

    https://twitter.com/taylorswift13/status/905811133210210310

  • Justin

    I’ve said this before, but nothing makes me happier than when an aspiring writer finds success — regardless of “Meat”‘s reception, I’m happy that it helped Logan get a foot into the industry.

    Anyway, onto the first AOW script…

    Siege Perilous

    A sci-fi/mystery/thriller? Sounds intriguing. Also, the WYSR is pretty convincing. Hopefully the script lives up to the pitch.

    Just off the bat, the writing seems a little… off? The descriptions seemed to run excessive in some parts, and lacking in others. The dialogue is unpolished and elementary, and just goes straight from point A to point B without any depth or (necessary) purpose behind them. I feel like there could have been a more natural way to introduce whatever drama there is with the mother.

    Also, this might be a completely off tip, but I always try to (at least) keep the first letter of my main characters’ names different, to avoid confusion. Daniel and Doyle, I kept forgetting which was the father or son.

    The time skip seemed a little weird, though. The opening scene was just a small conversation between the dad and son — no hint of anything sci-fi or mystery or alien-related, except for sparkling gold eyes — then straight to some alien conspiracy convention.

    This script wasn’t for me, honestly. I couldn’t get past the first two or three pages. Good effort, though.

  • Scott Crawford

    Trying something different here, bare with me. Because we were talking about outlines yesterday, I wanted to start by breaking one of the screenplays down into its outline, that is stripping all the writing away and just focusing on what happens. Just the first ten pages of Siege Perilous, at least to begin with. I’ll add more comments after Only Connect.

    * * *

    1. EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

    Daniel’s father presents him with some comic books. Daniel is upset that his parents have broken up.

    2. INT. HOTEL CONVENTION BALLROOM – NIGHT

    SUPER: Knoxville, Tennessee – 2016

    Daniel Hodges watches Ed Gorga gives a lecture on UFOs. Daniel spots a woman but she disappears. Gorga works for the National Institute for Discovery Science who investigate cases of abduction, etc.

    3. INT. HOTEL CONVENTION LOBBY – LATER

    Daniel, Solomon “Sol” Warren, Caitlyn Carrion, and Theodore Flanagan discuss abduction stories. Theodore had sexual intercourse with one of his abductors which Daniel questions Theodore about in some detail. We learn that Daniel works for Siege Perilous Security Solutions and investigates for Ed Gorga. Sol used to be Vegas PD and Caitlyn worked for the DIA. Gorga agrees to investigate Theodore’s case.

    4. EXT. SMOKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK – NIGHT

    Theodore, Daniel, Caitlyn, and Sol investigate the scene of Theodore’s “encounter.” Theodore shows where the glass was blown and speculates the aliens may have had a cloaking device. The grass IS recently charred. Sol spots broken tree branches and takes pictures on his phone. Theodore says the only witness was his wife, who was also “taken.” Daniel and Caitlyn make a date to see Theodore’s wife tomorrow morning.

    5. INT. HOTEL SUITE – LATE NIGHT

    Daniel and Caitlyn make mad, passionate love.

    6. INT. HOTEL SUITE – MOMENTS LATER

    Caitlyn gets changed while Daniel studies his laptop. Daniel implies that they are fuck buddies and no more. They also seem to both agree that Theodore is a “kook” but that cases like his pay the bills. Caitlyn leaves but Daniel continues to stare at his laptop.

    7. EXT. FLANAGAN HOUSE – MORNING

    The house looks like it has just survived a hurricane, in a dreadful state. Daniel, Sol, and Caitlyn arrive by SUV.

    8. INT. SUV – SAME

    They agree Theodore is a nut but “get into character” again.

    9. EXT. FLANAGAN HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

    The trio are reunited with Theodore who invites them inside.

    • RO

      Based on these outline points I’m not finding much of any conflict. Lots of exposition.

      • Scott Crawford

        Agreed. I’ll add some of my own comments in a minute… but I think there’s some merit in this idea of stripping away the writing so you can just see the story.

  • Amazon Wannabe

    Did your script ever make it through Evaluating? Mine’s been stuck there for 2 months.

  • Jack madden

    100 PROOF. I Read 30 pages. A few points:

    Overall, it wasn’t bad.

    1) The level of reality you were going for was consistent and there were no cartoon type characters that would take us out of this reality which is good going to pull off with these types of stories.
    2) What the script desperately needs is an opening horror scene, so the reader knows this is supposed to be a horror. It’s a big mistake not to do this, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear this note many times from those who look at your script.
    3) You have Toby as a geeky guy in your description although he just came across as a pretty regular guy—nothing much of note stood out, no fatal flaw that I could see where you might draw the laughs from.
    4) The relationship between Carly and Toby is fine—I see where it’s going, it’s all good. 5) The relationship between Carly and her room-mate strikes me as a little contrived; the conflict is a tad forced. I wonder if it would work better if it was Carly who had the problem with her roommate and the roommate was just cool about everything, rather than the bitchy comments. Also gives a little arc for Carly—maybe she needs to learn to live and let live, and not be so judgemental etc.

    Anyway, it was a clear, easy read. Good Luck.

  • Thaddeus Arnold

    What happened?

    Did they ever produce anything from user submissions? At least Amazon kept its promise to become a studio… just not through submissions from the common man.

    • Scott Crawford

      I watched a great film the other day that Amazon produced, Our Kind of Traitor (screenplay: Hossein Amini). Low budget film, Amazon probably stepped in and bought it, now you can watch it for free if you have Amazon Prime.

      Which is exactly what Netflix does. Maybe they decided that the Netflix model worked better. I think it does… it enables people to make unusual films and then have them bought outright, skipping over all that distribution and marketing crap (mostly).

  • carsonreeves1

    Just to clarify since this E.C. Henry thread about posting his script keeps coming up – there’s no guarantee your script will be posted. Tons of people have submitted and never gotten posted.

    E.C., didn’t you just have a script posted? It’s not like you’ve never been up for an Amateur Offerings.

  • Erica

    They are not getting rid of the storybuilder (index cards) I hope. I
    have tons of notes on there and none of it is backed up. Wish there was
    a way to export it or something just in case.

    • Scott Crawford

      You can’t just export as plain text? You may lose some formatting but at leasts your notes would be there.