amateur offerings weekend

Congratulations to Logan Martin, the writer of “Meat,” who just signed with Good Fear this week! They’re going to go out with the script this weekend. So if you’re a producer or financier whose interested in “Meat,” make sure to get in touch with Good Fear by tomorrow.

Regardless of whether you liked the script or not, this is a win for screenwriters. Logan grew up in North Dakota and lives in Florida. So he’s about as far away from Hollywood as an American can get. If he can get a legitimate shot, why can’t you?

“Meat” is also a win for those writers with unique voices. I believe there are a lot of readers out there like me who are so sick of the current trend that they can’t wait to read a script that’s the complete opposite. And that’s what Meat was. It was the anti “Female John Wick.”

With that said, if you have a fresh take on a trend, by all means, I’m up for that too. In fact, I’m giving a Female John Wick a shot this week. Let’s hope it doesn’t disappoint! But mostly, I’m up for a fresh take on a familiar idea with intriguing/compelling characters who have to resolve some issues before their 100 pages are up.

How to play Amateur Offerings: Read as much of each script as you can and submit your winning vote in the comments section. Winner gets a script review next Friday!

If you’d like to submit your own script to compete on Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot. Good luck!

Title: Siege Perilous
Genre: sci-fi/mystery/thriller
Logline: A UFO Investigator gets in way over his head when he stakes out a space observatory that has secretly recorded radio signals from another world.
Why you should read: Siege Perilous was a semi-finalist in the Page Awards this year. Didn’t make the finals, but the feedback has been positive. Though it’s a sci-fi thriller, the script is a love letter to kids who’ve grown up in a single parent home or just felt like they didn’t know their place in the world. Tonally, it’s a cross between Spielbergian optimism and Fincher’s cynicism. Enjoy, I hope.

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Title: The Seventh Rule
Genre: Contained Psychological Thriller
Logline: In order to save his kidnapped daughter and earn a chance at redemption, an abusive father is forced to work with and trust the stranger suffering from amnesia he has tied-up in his basement, even as it becomes increasingly clear that this man is involved in her disappearance.
Why you should read: We won’t bore you with the details of contest finishes, though they do exist as we have been paying our dues for roughly a decade. All you need to know is that THE SEVENTH RULE won’t disappoint you. It has GSU and is a quick and entertaining read. It is marketable with strong leads and limited locations. It takes risks (such as the first line of dialogue not being spoken until page 5), and we hope it forces the reader to take sides even if that gamble works against us later. We want you (and anyone else that reads it) to have a reaction. If you’re not engaged and curious after the first 10 pages, we’ll understand if you want to stop reading, but our bet is that you won’t put it down. Enjoy!

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Title: 100 Proof
Genre: Horror-Comedy
Logline: Animal House Goes to Hell. A geeky college freshman joins a fraternity that’s secretly run by a Lovecraftian cult.
Why You Should Read: Many moons ago, I was in a fraternity at a major party school and while I do not recommend anyone ever joining such an organization, I believe the experience provided me insight into the mindset of powerful, rich and predominately white men, such as the current US president. This script is a horror satire meant to skewer that mindset.

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Title: CLUB LAVENDER
Genre: 1 hour DRAMA
Logline: Club Lavender follows a transgender cabaret singer forced to go undercover for the fbi to infiltrate a gay private club run by an alleged communist gangster.
Why you should read: My script received a recommend on the trackingboard.com in 2016 and yet nobody would touch it because it was too niche. This was when transgenderism was beginning to get mainstream news after Caitlyn Jenner’s recent reveal. Now it’s a year later and I believe it’s the right time for more daring television surrounding controversial matters. Most importantly, my script exists in the new age of television and as such, takes a no hold’s barred approach to the aspects of story realism and grit. So read at your own caution.

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Title: A GOOD DEATH
Genre: Action/Crime
Logline: When the mob kills her fiancé and comes after her, a former prostitute uses years of street survival skills to take the mob on head-on in a bloody battle for survival and revenge.
Why you should read: Samantha (“Sammy”) is my answer to the unrealistic “super-women” Hollywood has been giving us. The victim of a tragic childhood, she ran away from home when she was thirteen and learned to survive on the Chicago streets alone. Yeah, she’s special. If she wasn’t, she’d be dead. She’s an athlete and she’s smart, street-smart. She has more than her share of flaws, but her many friends know they can count on her if they need help. And she’s a survivor. She won’t go down easy. A strong female protagonist, plenty of action, a high body count, betrayals, twists, a woman’s desperate struggle to survive. That’s Sammy’s story. I would really appreciate getting comments/suggestions on it.

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  • klmn

    First, motherfuckers.

  • James Michael

    If amateur offerings teaches us nothing else, let it be the importance in writing ideas that people will actually want to read. This might seem like an obvious statement, but it so obviously isn’t. Of these 5 scripts, 1 maybe 2 interest me (based off the concept). Generic thriller. Generic action. Generic comedy. It’s sad because these are ideas that if I thought of I’d probably get excited about and try to write.(at least at one point in my life).

    Even if you dont read the scripts here each week, I think it’s important to read the loglines objectively and ask if this is an idea you’d want to read. Then apply that to ur own scripts. I’ve written so many scripts I shouldn’t have. Scripts with flawed concepts

    . My new goal as a writer is to writer better ideas and that starts here. By seeing what a bad idea is and how to avoid it. Easier said then done, and it takes time, practice and a lot of bad scripts.

    And good luck to the writers this week. This comment isn’t so much s reflection of this weeks offerings, but the writing process as a whole.

    • scriptfeels

      Yea I feel like all of my ideas recently are thrown in that well. Better to write something than nothing though!

      • PQOTD

        Spinning your wheels isn’t helpful. At least you’re maintaining momentum. :)

        • James Michael

          I agree. It’s the old adage ‘no script written is a waste of time.’ But after a while I also want to write something good that others will like haha

    • Malibo Jackk

      Two of the concepts appeal to me.
      One that doesn’t might be an indie.
      I think all five first pages are fairly good.

      I think we know that most scripts are going to go nowhere.
      So here’s an important take away about CONCEPT —
      A lot of SS amateurs found numerous flaws/had problems with last week’s script.
      But MEAT seems to be finding some traction.

      Everything they said was bad about that script – would have killed an ordinary screenplay.

    • LostAndConfused

      I think what a lot of us should be doing more is paying attention to those click bait articles on facebook. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading about stories from an article titled “Stories of police officers who had to awkwardly arrest their friends.” Even knowing that I was being baited into a website running 100 ads at a time, I still plunged in just because that premise was so fascinating.

      Paying attention to them has helped me understand what kind of stories attract people’s attention.

      • PQOTD

        I have my ad blocker on. After the election debacle last year, I very rarely click on those stories any more. Life’s too short to waste on outrage.

  • Sly

    Hi, writer of club lavender here. I’ve talked a lot of shit about uniqueness and all that fun stuff. Some of you read it on here and liked it. Appreciate the chance and wishing the other writers the best of luck.

    • PQOTD

      Hi Sly, congrats on getting your script in to AOW. Good luck!

      • Sly

        Thanks. Hopefully people give it a chance and not dismiss it based on the subject matter although I can aready see that happening. Oh well, the exposure is great.

        • PQOTD

          I’ll be cracking it open for a look. I’m doing post-grad work on related issues, plus I’m a history buff.

          Btw, have you read Alan Berube’s ‘Coming out under fire’? About LGBT folk who served in WWII? It’s a terrific read.

          • Sly

            I haven’t. I’ll definitely give it a look.

  • Poe_Serling

    AOW – Dessert Edition

    The extra day should benefit all the featured writers. More feedback
    and such to help them with their future rewrite efforts.

    Kinda cool to see a UFO project in the mix after C’s Close Encounters
    post.

  • klmn

    OT. You know, Carson, if you want dessert I could send you something.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4712dc345144c802de51a0dceb544da472e4fdc618fbe74ec35d2f0186ca2a6.jpg

    • PQOTD

      New avatar, k! Dick Dastardly gone green. :)

      • klmn

        Did they call him Dick Dastardly in Australia? He was known as Snidely Whiplash here.

        • Poe_Serling

          Dastardly is from the cartoon series Wacky Races and
          others

        • PQOTD

          Oh – my bad! I thought he looked like the villain from the ‘Wacky Races’. I’m not familiar with Snidely Whiplash.

          • klmn

            I checked Google Images and they’re very similar – probably the same artist drew both. Snidely was featured in the Dudley Do-Right cartoons.

  • Scott pilgrim fan

    100 Proof, I haven’t read your script, just saw the sample page in the article. But, on your first page, the images of the ftat you mention show “normal frat activities”, then the movie starts. But this is a Lovecraftian script, right? So shouldn’t those images have some supernatural elements, to signify what kind of weird horror this will be? (Yes, those images should be funny, because this is a comedy. But the montage, and the title screen, and the title, does not tell me this has any horror elements. It tells me this is a normal frat comedy. Is that intentional, as a surprise? You could hint at the horror, without throwing “Nyartholep front and center getting high” in the party montage.)

    I’m gonna check your script, because I like the idea. But just some constructive criticism.

    • UPB13

      You gave me a great idea for a band name: Cthulhu’s Bong.

    • Citizen M

      There’s a brief glimpse of “a STONE ALTAR depicting squamous monsters spewing blood” on page 2. Seems to fit the bill.

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

    Was hoping I’d see my script, “The Commune”, on the reading list. Shucks!

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: Siege Perilous

    Genre: sci-fi/mystery/thriller

    Logline: A UFO Investigator gets in way over his head when he stakes out a space observatory that has secretly recorded radio signals from another world.

    And? We need the hook, the unique element to this story.

    “gets in way over his head” is vague and generic; it tells us nothing specific about YOUR story.

    “when he stakes out” is passive and dull. It’s a dude sitting in a car for hours. What must your hero DO?

    “a space observatory that has secretly recorded” That’s in the past. What are the consequences NOW?

    “radio signals from another world.” If I read this on the front page of the Times or the Post I’d be excited. Oh my god, have we discovered sentient life in the universe? But in the world of sci-fi it’s an old idea.

    The logline has to tell us who the hero is, what he must do, and at least imply what happens if he fails.

    As it stands, nothing here to fire my interest in this story.

  • Scott Crawford

    Votes so far…

    • PQOTD

      Voting post established – tick for Scott.

      Emails sent – tick for me.

      We are ready to rock and roll…

      • The Old Man

        Thanks for the heads up PQ. I appreciate it.

    • Sly

      I think club lavender got the vote from Randy Williams, Scott.

      • Scott Crawford

        Corrected!

    • klmn

      Log my vote for Club Lavender. Didn’t expect to like this, but I did. If this goes to series, I could see myself watching this.

    • Stephjones

      Hey Scott, I voted for Siege Perilous. Thanks!

    • Cody Pearce

      Congrats Sly on winning the weekend.

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: The Seventh Rule

    Genre: Contained Psychological Thriller

    Logline: In order to save his kidnapped daughter and earn a chance at redemption, an abusive father is forced to work with and trust the stranger suffering from amnesia he has tied-up in his basement, even as it becomes increasingly clear that this man is involved in her disappearance.

    The title sets up a vague echo; wasn’t there some crappy horror movie called The Seventh something? [searches IMDB]. Oh, yeah. There’s the Bergman borefest “The Seventh Seal” where the knight plays chess with death (I love Bergman’s “Wild Strawberries” and appreciate “Persona.”) But I thought there was a shitty supernatural Johnny Depp movie with a similar title? [more googling]. Oh, yeah. The Ninth Gate.

    And then there’s “Seven.” So I was simultaneously reminded of a great movie and a shitty one. I’d change the title. I don’t know what the first six rules are so it means nothing to me what the seventh might be.

    Logline itself. Yeah, this is more like it, though some red flags exist. There’s something a little contradictory about your hero “forced to work with” someone and then we find out he has that someone “tied up in his basement.” Working with someone suggests they’re running around together doing stuff, while tied up suggesting he’s beating the guy for information about his kidnapped daughter.

    And then there’s the lack of connection [in the logline] between the father’s daughter being kidnapped and the fact he has some dude tied up in his basement.

    That’s a maybe for me. Writer’s should contact the company trying to hawk the Meat script.

    • Midnight Luck

      THE SEVENTH SIGN with Demi Moore.

      • JakeBarnes12

        That’s it. Not a movie I’d suggest invoking.

        • Midnight Luck

          I hereby invoke the curse, with this trailer I bring upon us the final sign, THE SEVENTH SIGN, may the apocalypse befall us all —> :)

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: 100 Proof

    Genre: Horror-Comedy

    Logline: Animal House Goes to Hell. A geeky college freshman joins a fraternity that’s secretly run by a Lovecraftian cult.

    Frat boys. Fuck off.

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: CLUB LAVENDER

    Genre: 1 hour DRAMA

    Logline: Club Lavender follows a transgender cabaret singer forced to go undercover for the fbi to infiltrate a gay private club run by an alleged communist gangster.

    What is it about the word “lavender” that’s synonymous with gay? Dude who wrote an excellent book on the cultural history of Batman talked about this. Anyway, good tile. F.B.I is capitalized (especially the way Keanu says it).

    Here’s the problem. Take out the transgender element and this sounds very generic. Communist gangster — is this set in the late 40s or 50s?

    Oh, just saw it’s not a movie. So every week the hero will be undercover in this club? It’s not a premise for a series.

    • Sly

      It’s written as a cable network pilot. I would seriously ask you to reconsider dismissing it based on if you feel it can be a series. The writing is good and the story is compelling. It also involves the presence of gay secret societies as well as rumored gay dignitaries of the red scare era including j edgar hoover.

      The script is written as espionage thriller and if you’re a fan of FX the Americans you would like this script.

      • JakeBarnes12

        Hi Sly,

        I think the title and setting, a private gay club in the 50s (you need to include the period in the logline) are awesome.

        How do you see the first season developing? What does each episode look like plotwise?

        In The Americans our heroes often have different missions each week; infiltrate a military base, assassinate a defector, etc. There’s a lot of space for variety there.

        In your idea there is just one target for the whole season; the communist gangster and your hero is in the club trying to get close to this guy for eight to thirteen hours. It’s going to take a lot of twists and turns to keep that one close-quarters dynamic fresh and engaging.

        If the gangster gets taken down end of season one, what does season 2 look like?

        If you’re pitching this in meetings, you will be asked these questions.

        • Sly

          There isn’t just one target the whole season. The script is taking place during the COINTELPRO era of the red scare so while we have the main lead infiltrating the club, we also have the whole subplot of the murder she commited in self defense at the end of the first act of the pilot, which involves the son of the Colombo crime family. And then there’s also the subplot of uncovering gay identities within the police force itself.

          • JakeBarnes12

            So, subplots aside, the hero’s SEASON goal is to bring down the gangster and SERIES goal is what? To get out from under the thumb of the FBI?

            I’ll try to find time to read some pages later.

          • Sly

            The hero’s season goal is to get out from under the thumb of both the FBI and the gangster because both parties know she killed the son of the mob boss in self defense so she is going to get played by both sides as they blackmail her.

            The drama comes in her switching allegiances to suit her situation as the series progresses as well as doing all she can to prevent the colombos from placing her at the scene of the death of a made man
            .
            On a personal level, the hero will be dealing with her dual identity as a transitioning individual. She will also have to reconcile her tepid relationship with her father who is also part of the underground gay secret society

    • PQOTD

      ‘Lavender’ used to be a codeword for queer. Lavender marriages was the most common term where a gay man usually married a lesbian or bi woman to keep up appearances of respectability. Used to happen a lot in Hollywood, politics, the military – anywhere with overtly heteronormative values (even if they were total b-s).

      • JakeBarnes12

        Yeah, “Club Lavender” is a great title — you get immediately that it’s LGBT-themed.

        Dude who wrote the Batman cultural history is gay and he talks about growing up being very aware of all the coding in early Batman.

        • PQOTD

          Oh, there wasn’t coding just in ‘Batman’. (Charlton Heston would’ve been horrified if he’d known the truth about ‘Ben Hur’, so he was kept in the dark). All those old 50s Westerns where actors admire each other’s guns, for instance – uh-huh… There’s a doco called “The Celluloid Closet” that’s very illuminating.

          • JakeBarnes12

            I’ve heard of the doc but haven’t seen it yet. Must check it out.

            If Heston had found out what Ben Hur was really about he’d have dumped the script and done Spartacus instead.

            Now there’s a movie with no funny stuff on its mind.

          • PQOTD

          • Wes Mantooth

  • JakeBarnes12

    Title: A GOOD DEATH

    Genre: Action/Crime

    Logline: When the mob kills her fiancé and comes after her, a former prostitute uses years of street survival skills to take the mob on head-on in a bloody battle for survival and revenge.

    Straight.

    To.

    Video.

    • The Old Man

      Hey Jake,
      I’ll take Direct-To-Video. I’m not a greedy person. A GOOD DEATH was written specifically for an A List actress, or someone who wants to be one.

      • Scott Crawford

        Go ethnic. Black, brown, Latin, native. Plenty of actors of color who’d like to be actors with mortgages.

        • The Old Man

          The script is actually opened ended for any of those options. No nationality is specified. So, yeah, black, brown, Latin, etc. Go for it.

  • Sly

    Hello, I appreciate you giving my script a chance. I unbolded the character names in the draft I posted.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/en1vt8agd6fsc07/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

    Hopefully Carson updates the script with it. Again, I appreciate you at least recognising the worth of the writing and not just dismissing it based on preconceptions. Bless.

  • Sly

    I submitted it in the comments 3 weeks ago and it got good reviews. Never had it on Amateur friday though.

  • Sly

    Ah Danke.

  • Paul Clarke

    Put me down for a vote for CLUB LAVENDER.

    I’ve read it before and it’s of the highest level, and the current slate of cable TV shows are making it look more and more feasible.

    I have a feeling it won’t be Carson’s cup of tea, but any exposure would be well-deserved.

    • Sly

      Thanks so much, appreciate the kind words.

  • Ashley Sanders

    I’m at work and am prevented from downloaded the scripts here by our firewall. So, I thought I’d talk about what I can see – just the page 1s.
    Siege Perilous
    The character introductions are very physical – eye colour, hair colour etc. Already you’ve discounted a whole bunch of actors?
    The 7th Rule
    I liked the first page of this. The only bit I wasn’t keen on was –
    That deceptive layer that covers the horrors beneath.
    I get that it tells us tone but I think it’s kind of cheating. It seems like something from a novel, not a screenplay – hopefully the script is good enough to keep us reading long enough to see those horrors beneath ourselves. Otherwise, nice first page.
    100 Proof – Good first page. I like it.
    Club Lavender – There are specific camera instructions on the first page. The plural of mask being masques threw me (I’m British). I checked this, it seems to be technically correct but I have never seen this used this way before. The bolding on a sound effect struck me as wrong – especially as the previous one wasn’t. Is it a noise threshold thing?
    A Good Death
    I’m not sure why the main character is introduced with 2 names not 1. There is some odd phrasing of description – the painting is on a wall. In an art gallery I kind of expect it to be on a wall. I think muscular should be muscularture?
    Sammy takes a cell phone call in an art gallery, isn’t that like taking a phone call in a library?

    Anyhow, some interesting first pages there – I will read more of the actual scripts when I can download them at home, but based on the first pages I wonder if The Seventh Rule and 100 Proof will turn out to be be the strongest scripts. I will be interested to find out if that holds true.

    • UPB13

      Funny, I read that and thought it was a British spelling! Definitely not American. Brings to mind The Masque of the Red Death (even though that’s about a masquerade).

      • Ashley Sanders

        Yep. I’d always thought masque and masquerade meant the same thing – a costumed ball or dance with masks. I wasn’t aware you could use masque as an alternative spelling for mask, apparently you can, but as you say, I doubt it’s in common use and threw me in this instance. Still, that’s my new fact for the day.

  • The Old Man

    Wow… what a way to wake me up in the morning. :)

    Hi everybody, I wrote A GOOD DEATH. I’m in shock right now, and nervous as all hell. I really didn’t expect this. And I’ll really appreciate any comments and suggestions I can get here. Thank You!

    • Scott Crawford

      Did having us help you with your logline help your chances if being picked? Say yes.

      • The Old Man

        Hi Scott,
        Yes! The help I got here definitely help me getting picked. I sent it in once before I asked for help, it didn’t get picked then. I don’t know why everybody doesn’t get advice here before send a script to Carson. You people are awesome!

        • Ashley Sanders

          The logline you’re using today is good – much improved on the ones you posted a couple of weeks back. Top stuff.

          • The Old Man

            Thanks! Even though I can’t take credit for it. :)

          • Scott Crawford

            Damn right you can’t. Good title too. Even though it’s been making me sing this all day.

        • RO

          I am happy about this and also jealous! Still waiting for my script to be on AOW. I’m going to check this one out again, see how it differs from my last read.

          So happy I’ve got some interesting weekend reading!

          • The Old Man

            Thank you RO. I appreciate you giving it another read. Let me know how far you get and what you think. And post your logline and WYSR here. The price is right, and you’ll get valuable feedback.

          • RO

            Will do. I have posted the logline here months before. My revisions helped get it read by a bunch of execs and manager prospects (meeting with three of them this weekend), but still am yearning for that coveted AOW slot :D

          • The Old Man

            Whoa – meetings. Don’t worry about my script this weekend, get ready for those meetings. Good luck to you (or “break a leg” if you’re superstitious.)

          • shewrites

            Good luck, Ro!

  • The Old Man

    I think about 3 weeks ago. It was the second time I sent it. I got great help with the logline from the good people here. In all honesty, I really didn’t expect this to happen.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      I think “The Old Man” is trying to fuck with me here. Matt’s question was directed at me. I’m the one who took action on this, not you. You’re outta line, Old Man.

      • Erica

        Sometimes I can’t tell if your serous or just kidding around.

        It does sound like you’re quoting a movie though so I’m hoping your just kidding, but

        “Those that made the list, how long ago did you email Carson?” That’s directed at those that made the list.

        If your not on the list, you don’t get in. You on the list? No, then next…

        But seriously, have you re done your logline or why to read? If it’s not getting picked that could be why as others have pointed out. Workshop it, fix it, submit it, bask in the glory of being on the list.

        • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

          Erica, I followed the proper instructions for an acceptable submission. I should get an Amateur Review. PERIOD! IF there’s any problem with my submission Carson should e-mail me back and tell me what that problem was. It’s called BASIC courtesy.

          Hopefully Carson WILL post my submission sometime in the near future, because I think you’re going to LOVE it! If you like dark sci-fi, I got a good one for you!

          #buildingmomentum https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/37e2a25c4482856530c3078e0c549e3b0887085b49bea08e46e4f2aac403cf09.jpg

          • Jaco

            Wait, what?

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Jaco, shouldn’t you be steering the Orville right now? Given that BIG responsibility you can’t afford to have you attention diverted.

            Imagine if the Orville’s paint gets scratched because of YOUR distracted diving. What are you gunna do, file a claim with the little lizard man from Geico? Nature of claim: dipshit commenter on Script Shadow. Excuses like that don’t fly. And repairs for interplanetary space ships aren’t cheap.

            Think, partner, think. What would a smart person? Then do what a smart person would do–fly the shit out that Orville spaceship and make Captain Kirk proud. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/657f9fd70ca7a301ce9ebbf8c21834aca90b575296b3b22669d09e22372c086d.jpg

          • Zero

            Unfortunately, that isn’t really how AOW works. You’re not guaranteed a spot if you just have an ‘acceptable submission’. Your email has to have something in it that will make it worth it for Carson to include. An interesting concept/logline/WYSR, some contest wins, a hot topic, or something like that. Even then, there are so many submissions that it may not make the cut, or may take a while to do so. Carson doesn’t have the time to actually respond to every submission.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Thanks for clarifying that. Gotta run now, the day job calls. Spent a good portion of the morning working on Super Colossal, need stop and get something to eat before my shift starts.

          • Erica
          • Erica
          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Glad to see you’re having fun with the artwork, Eric; and that it sparks a level of creativity in your mind. That’s the goal of most writers.

            As far as the original goes, I THINK I left one side open to cue the size of the Commune goes off screen and isn’t a “box”.

            IF this movie ever gets made I’m sure the future posters will be better. FYI this isn’t a post-apocalyptic story. My goal with this visual was to cue the viewer that this is an us against them kind of feel. With multiple bad elements outside an enclosed are trying to get in. I’m a big conflict guy. I believe with any story you really need to start with an evaluation of the elements in conflict and see if that’s compelling or not.

        • Jaco

          I think the Commodore 64 “art” tells you all you need to know.

          • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

            Some people just don’t appreciate quality.

          • Jaco

            Meta-ironic comment of the day, maybe even week.

          • Ashley Sanders

            EC I really enjoy your posts but I don’t think you are helping yourself over this one. I’ve had 2 scripts on amateur offerings over the years but I’ve had at least 2 others that I’ve sent in not chosen for whatever reason and that is completely and absolutely fair enough. I don’t expect to be chosen, I’m sure the next half dozen I send in won’t be chosen. There are a lot of fantastically talented people out there who deserve a shot. it’s just a great thing if it happens. It’s Carson’s site and he can choose whatever he wants to put on it, it’s a wonderful resource and we should be thankful for it. It certainly doesn’t owe any of us anything.
            Rewrite your pitch for your script, maybe ditch the artwork (I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons), try other avenues, competitions etc but harping on about it on the forum isn’t going to help, probably the opposite.

  • The Old Man

    Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve never heard of INTERCUT being right justified. Never seen it done. Help?
    Samantha and Johnny aren’t married, which is explained later in Act 1. When he is murdered, she’s gets nothing out of his estate. And yes, I wanted to show right off the bat that she can take care of herself.

    • A Man is No one

      Just imagine intercut with: is right justified.

      INT. SCRIPTSHADOW WRITING ROOM – DAY

      THE OLD MAN (90s) a grizzled pirate of a writer, sits at his desk.

      Distraught. Lonely.

      He takes out his cellphone and dials.

      INTERCUT WITH:
      EXT. POOL, DPRK – NIGHT

      [i]CARSON, our protagonist, steals a french fry off Marshall Kim’s plate, when his phone rings.[/i]

      THE OLD MAN
      Did you get there safely? I miss you.

      CARSON
      Drop dead old man. I’m with Kim now.

      [i] Carson tosses his phone in the pool, kisses Kim on the lips, and dives in.[/i]

      The Old Man cries into his double double, and detonates the nuke.

    • PQOTD

      I’ve only ever seen INTERCUT left-justified, too.

      • A Man is No one

        http://www.psu.edu/dept/inart10_110/inart10/film.html

        defines intercutting as:

        The alternation between actions taking place at two distinct locations to make one composite scene. For example, cutting between two people involved in the same telephone conversation. The distinction between this and cross cutting is one of compression of time. The intercut can be used to speed up a scene and eliminate large pieces of time that would slow a story down.

        Technically it’s a transition, so technically it should be on the right side.

        Most scripts handle it different ways, and most have it written as a slugline. But I see it as a ^6.

  • OpenFireFilms

    Hi all. Writer of Siege Perilous here. Thanks for any and all constructive feedback now and to come over the weekend.

  • Jarrean

    Congrats again to Logan!

    My vote split: Siege Perilous & Club Lavender

    Siege Perilous:

    Curious why the time jump is needed? Also, describing Daniel as how the mighty have fallen, when we’ve only known him as a 10 year old doesn’t work.

    I like your style of writing. It’s comfortable, familiar, and inviting. I’m not a fan of the cliches peppered through the descriptions, though.

    Stopped on page 10 because I want to get to the other scripts.

    Reread the logline/wysr, I think maybe reintroducing the opening scene later in the script will help. I’m not sure if it flows as well as it stands now. I’m assuming the mother is an alien, which is why the parents separated. Thus, making Daniel a hybrid of some kind?

    Will probably come back to read this later.

    The Seventh Rule:

    Bailed on page 4. Speed this up. Is this set in the current year?

    100 Proof:

    The only real note I have is maybe remove the montage if you’re going to go right into a party scene next. Otherwise, I enjoyed what I read. First laugh came on page 12 the make-up scene. Could totally picture it.

    This feels up James Franco/Seth’s alley.

    Curious as to where the horror comes in. Will probably read a bit more later.

    Club Lavender:

    I believe I’ve ready this a minimum of two times before already. Again, solid work here Sy. The dialogue really stands out.

    With that said, it’s my hope that you’ve been working on new projects. I was a little surprised to see this resurface, especially after the TB Announcement. Perhaps, save it for later and get another project back out there to market. Because when you hit, you’ll want to be able to show you have more than one piece of material.

    Best of luck! Maybe you’ll be the next Logan.

    A Good Death:

    I’m almost positive that this logline has been workshopped in the comments, no? Either way welcome to AO.

    Funny enough, I’m toying with my own Female John Wick in my head, so I’ll probably read this one in full.

    I don’t think it was intended but I laughed at the first set of dialogue. We get this set up of these people and then the dialogue is just so off putting. I couldn’t help myself.

    “Worry about yourself, pal.” The dialogue needs work.

    So, I’m really enjoying this. I only wonder with it being 2017… maybe making them escorts or something more current, IG models?? Idk. I start thinking about HBO’s The Deuce and then it all starts to feel dated.

    Stopped reading on page 10.

    Best of luck to all the writers. For me, this felt like a strong group of contenders this week.

    • The Old Man

      Thanks Jarrean,
      that would be great if you read the whole script and give me your thoughts. The opening dialog was meant to bring a chuckle. At one time I had a little not in there that the conversation starts with good-natured ribbing. Maybe I should put it back in.

    • Sly

      Danke fam, appreciate the vote.

  • Stephjones

    A Good Death: Hey, Robert. Congrats on the AF exposure! Enjoy all the feedback!
    I’ve checked this out before so, I only read to page 17. I see you’ve kept, what I considered to be, a deal-breaker in Sam’s characterization. You still have her using her current good fortune to ‘upscale’ her prostitute friends in order to exploit them. I suggested before that if this is meant to make her sympathetic then it fails miserably. She needs to try and elevate her friends out of a life of prostitution, not capitalize on them. I really don’t know what you are thinking.

    • The Old Man

      Hi Steph,
      I understand why you don’t like Sammy. She’s not meant to be likable, at first. She is who she is, the product of one hell of a life she’s lived so far. When her world quickly unravels, she does realize she has to change, and she does.

      I’ll consider how you feel, and maybe “soften” her up some. Thanks!

      • Stephjones

        Yeah. I kinda thought you were trying to keep her grounded in her upbringing but a female character who has a chance to help her friends and chooses to exploit them instead makes her seem irredeemably amoral and conscienceless. She does start off as a badass woman with a chip on her shoulder, which actually does make her interesting. But, a woman who only sees her girlfriends as objects to capitalize on is a sociopath, IMO, with no redeemable qualities.

        • Randall Alexander

          I read to pg 33. I’m in agreement with you 100%. Maybe have her giving her old friends money or setting them up with new jobs or something. Make her altruistic to them. Make me root for her.

          • The Old Man

            Give them money? Tell them to run away? Their pimps would find them and kill them. No, the only way she can help them is to move them up in class so they can meet better people and just maybe latch on to one of them like she did with Johnny.

            No offense, but it’s easy to judge people when you haven’t walked in their shoes.

          • Stephjones

            Whoa, Robert. You just relegated the women in your script as nonviable without men protectors/providers. How 1950’s of you.

          • Randall Alexander

            So “better people” are Johns with more money? Not buying it. That whole plot line doesn’t work for me. Doesn’t mean it won’t work for others. It’s an opinion, but I’m betting before the weekend is up, Steph and I won’t be the only two who feel that way. You’re a very good writer, scripts flows nicely. But this contest is so others can give their feedback. It’s not an indictment.
            And who am I judging? You lost me on that. Do tell. Very odd reply.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Casting a vote for SIEGE PERILOUS.
    (Will Update.)

    • PQOTD

      Yep, use ‘em all up before Trumpy blows Feckless Leader and his impoverished nation up.

      I hope they spare the library.

  • Lucid Walk

    100 Proof

    • Scott Crawford

      Your vote or your drinks order?

      • hickeyyy

        Why not both?

        • Scott Crawford

          I didn’t know whether he’d covefed and he was going to post a longer comment. I’ll put it down as a vote.

          And don’t drink, kids.

          • PQOTD

            Gee, you’re an optimist, Scott! lol. Telling writers not to drink is like telling teenagers not to masturbate.

        • Lucid Walk

          Took the words right out of my mouth

  • Randy Williams

    Congrats to all for making it on AOW!

    Wish I had more time to devote to these entries this weekend, but trying to regain some normalcy in my life. Along with 700 other employees, I was laid off due to severe damage to our company from Hurricane Irma. I’m also dealing with maybe having to change my residence as well. When it rains, it pours!

    But, I read 10 pages of each and all of The Seventh Rule!

    The Seventh Rule was the only opening that really grabbed me. But, having finished it, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the content, not totally understanding much of it, except what I felt was an interesting business that could be a TV show with the police officer using the amnesiac to trap his “targets”. It was very much a psychological mind bender. And the ending with some safe haven just emphasized the ongoing straying from a realistic anchoring point, I kept being pushed away from, and that handicapped it for me after the intriguing opening.

    I’ve read Club Lavender before when the writer shared it in comments. I remember the writing as strong and what I read reinforces that. The writer might think about trying to contact Dustin Lance Black with a project like this.

    VOTE goes to CLUB LAVENDER.

    With honorable mention to The Seventh Rule.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      Sorry about your loss, Randy. I’ll be praying for you.

    • Sly

      Thanks for the vote of confidence. bLESS.

    • Thaddeus Arnold

      Sorry to hear you had it rough with the hurricane. Best of luck.

    • Stephjones

      Sorry to hear, Randy. Hope things improve soon!

    • Andy M (formerly andyjaxfl)

      I highly recommend you check out DUA, the Disaster Unemployment Assistance program, which provides financial support for those impacted by natural disasters.

      As a Florida resident, you are also entitled to unemployment checks since you were not fired and did not quit. That’s about $1,100/month — not a lot, but it will certainly help. Apply sooner rather than later!

      That’s quite an unethical move that your company made. Many companies, especially big ones, purchase business interruption insurance to cover these types of scenarios. The point of BII is so employees, particularly nonexempt employees, can continue to receive a paycheck.

    • Justin

      Sorry to hear that, man. I really hope things get better for you.

    • HRV

      Here’s hoping your life gets back in order soon.

    • Dan J Caslaw

      Hope you land back on your feet soon Randy mate.

  • Poe_Serling

    LOVECRAFT VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

    The famous author taps into his incredible imagination to take on
    an army of space invaders.

    This one gets my vote this week.

    What? It’s not in the running.

    Oh, just having a bit of fun as usual.

    My final pick (at the bottom) boiled down to these two scripts:

    >>Siege P…

    You could sense the Spielberg vibe from the get-go with the
    first scene involving the father and son.

    A + for the writer in hitting one of his goals in his WYSR blurb.

    Even though I sorta know where this story is headed, it still
    might be a journey worth taking.

    Like I mentioned elsewhere, this UFO project makes a nice
    bookend to C’s Close Encounters post from Wednesday.

    >>100 P…

    A somewhat interesting mashup of Lovecraftian mischief and
    frat boy movies.

    The opening reminded of some of Brian De Palma’s earlier
    stuff, especially BLOW OUT.

    In today’s market this script could gain some traction due to
    its unique twist on things.

    At the end of the day:

    I’m just gonna split my VOTE: 1/2 for each.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing either one of these screenplays
    getting some time in the AF spotlight.

    Thanks to all the writers for sharing their work.

  • Sly

    You’ll enjoy the rest of the script. Here, take a gander.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/85kxwhqblfyt334/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

  • Jaco

    Only got time to check out the first page and give a few thoughts . . .

    Siege Perilous

    Sorry, too many questions that don’t have to do with your story . . . what is a “Rancher” – why capitalized? Same with “Maple Tree”. What’s with the semi-colons? Did someone change how they’re supposed to be used? Maybe I was taught wrong . . . why mention eyes so much with the description of Daniel and Doyle?

    And then questions about the set-up . . . why is Danny looking at the comics just now? Wouldn’t he have looked at these when dad picked him up?

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    The Seventh Rule

    List the contests . . . google shows this was a QF in Zoetrope back in 2015 . . .

    “That deceptive layer that covers the horrors beneath.” Huh? This sentence stands out like a sore thumb. A Boy . . .18? Just say TEEN. Sorry . . . the writing on this page is too confusing and taking a long time to say not very much. I’m neither engaged nor curious – and this is the first page.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    100 Proof

    The opening here reads like it was ripped straight from PROJECT X . . . except these images are even less inspiring. I actually don’t want to read to the end of the page – but I will . . . and, no thanks. The writing is clear and easy to understand – the topic isn’t one I’m interested in.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    Club Lavender

    Not bad, not bad at all. I like the tension created here. Instead of CRT . . TV probably would have been more clear. Maybe think about him opening the door . . . if this is supposed to be a secret meeting he doesn’t know about, why is the door open? Just a nit pick.

    Maybe. will decide at the bottom.

    A Good Death
    I dunno – the writing here was kind of passive and boring in a situation that felt like it should have a lot of conflict. Too much time stating the obvious, e.g., “Samantha continues to concentrate on the painting” . . .who cares? This sounds like a gritty premise – so amp things up here in the beginning. It sounds like this is a script that should be an action roller-coaster and you’re starting me off in the petting zoo.

    Pass. Good that others connect with it, just not for me.

    Well, my vote goes to CLUB LAVENDER. Only one of the bunch that I would read more of. A Good Death, comes in second.

    What I learned: Make things interesting. I don’t mean gunfights or the Earth exploding . . . just something that makes me want to turn the page and find out what happens next. God knows I fail at this task more than I’m successful . . . boring is easy, interesting is not.

    Good luck, writers! As last Friday shows, all you need is the right person to get excited about your writing – doesn’t matter how many people don’t connect with it.

    • Sly

      Thanks so much for the vote. Just in case you downloaded the hosted script, that is the wrong draft I sent to Carson.

      https://www.dropbox.com/s/85kxwhqblfyt334/club%20lavender%20scriptshadow.pdf?dl=0

      This is the one you should read if you feel like dropping some notes later on. Again, appreciate the vote.

    • The Old Man

      WooHoo! I avoided the shutout. :)

      Thanks Jaco, I’ll take 2nd place. The first action scene starts on page 2, and she kicks that guy’s ass outside the museum on page 3.

      • Jaco

        I was curious enough to take a look . . .

        My honest opinion – lose the first page – start with the tension and resulting action – though I’d recommend figuring out a way to throw in an early twist to the fight . . .e.g., she responds willingly, making us think she’s a pro – but then does an about face and beats the guy’s face in.

        There’s nothing on your first page that really is needed that couldn’t be sprinkled in later.

  • Stephjones

    Siege Perilous; read to page 25. Liked it. The intro to young Daniel seemed like a first choice, so I’d try to make that more interesting but I enjoyed what happened next.The emphasis on the GOLD EYES description of Daniel’s mother implied she might be an alien. Hope so. Will check out more over the weekend.

    • OpenFireFilms

      Thanks for the kind words Stephjones. Glad you liked what you’ve read so far. Hope it gets your vote. =D

  • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

    Holy shit, is there another card carrying Switie (Taylor Swift fan) out there OR was Grendl singling out, little ol’ me! Hopefully this place is FILLED with Taylor Swift fans. That lady is SO talented. Case and point:

    https://twitter.com/taylorswift13/status/905811133210210310

    • HRV

      Do you have two lips and a rose?

  • Justin

    I’ve said this before, but nothing makes me happier than when an aspiring writer finds success — regardless of “Meat”‘s reception, I’m happy that it helped Logan get a foot into the industry.

    Anyway, onto the first AOW script…

    Siege Perilous

    A sci-fi/mystery/thriller? Sounds intriguing. Also, the WYSR is pretty convincing. Hopefully the script lives up to the pitch.

    Just off the bat, the writing seems a little… off? The descriptions seemed to run excessive in some parts, and lacking in others. The dialogue is unpolished and elementary, and just goes straight from point A to point B without any depth or (necessary) purpose behind them. I feel like there could have been a more natural way to introduce whatever drama there is with the mother.

    Also, this might be a completely off tip, but I always try to (at least) keep the first letter of my main characters’ names different, to avoid confusion. Daniel and Doyle, I kept forgetting which was the father or son.

    The time skip seemed a little weird, though. The opening scene was just a small conversation between the dad and son — no hint of anything sci-fi or mystery or alien-related, except for sparkling gold eyes — then straight to some alien conspiracy convention.

    This script wasn’t for me, honestly. I couldn’t get past the first two or three pages. Good effort, though.

  • Scott Crawford

    Trying something different here, bare with me. Because we were talking about outlines yesterday, I wanted to start by breaking one of the screenplays down into its outline, that is stripping all the writing away and just focusing on what happens. Just the first ten pages of Siege Perilous, at least to begin with. I’ll add more comments after Only Connect.

    * * *

    1. EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

    Daniel’s father presents him with some comic books. Daniel is upset that his parents have broken up.

    2. INT. HOTEL CONVENTION BALLROOM – NIGHT

    SUPER: Knoxville, Tennessee – 2016

    Daniel Hodges watches Ed Gorga gives a lecture on UFOs. Daniel spots a woman but she disappears. Gorga works for the National Institute for Discovery Science who investigate cases of abduction, etc.

    3. INT. HOTEL CONVENTION LOBBY – LATER

    Daniel, Solomon “Sol” Warren, Caitlyn Carrion, and Theodore Flanagan discuss abduction stories. Theodore had sexual intercourse with one of his abductors which Daniel questions Theodore about in some detail. We learn that Daniel works for Siege Perilous Security Solutions and investigates for Ed Gorga. Sol used to be Vegas PD and Caitlyn worked for the DIA. Gorga agrees to investigate Theodore’s case.

    4. EXT. SMOKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK – NIGHT

    Theodore, Daniel, Caitlyn, and Sol investigate the scene of Theodore’s “encounter.” Theodore shows where the glass was blown and speculates the aliens may have had a cloaking device. The grass IS recently charred. Sol spots broken tree branches and takes pictures on his phone. Theodore says the only witness was his wife, who was also “taken.” Daniel and Caitlyn make a date to see Theodore’s wife tomorrow morning.

    5. INT. HOTEL SUITE – LATE NIGHT

    Daniel and Caitlyn make mad, passionate love.

    6. INT. HOTEL SUITE – MOMENTS LATER

    Caitlyn gets changed while Daniel studies his laptop. Daniel implies that they are fuck buddies and no more. They also seem to both agree that Theodore is a “kook” but that cases like his pay the bills. Caitlyn leaves but Daniel continues to stare at his laptop.

    7. EXT. FLANAGAN HOUSE – MORNING

    The house looks like it has just survived a hurricane, in a dreadful state. Daniel, Sol, and Caitlyn arrive by SUV.

    8. INT. SUV – SAME

    They agree Theodore is a nut but “get into character” again.

    9. EXT. FLANAGAN HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

    The trio are reunited with Theodore who invites them inside.

    • RO

      Based on these outline points I’m not finding much of any conflict. Lots of exposition.

      • Scott Crawford

        Agreed. I’ll add some of my own comments in a minute… but I think there’s some merit in this idea of stripping away the writing so you can just see the story.

        • Jaco

          It helps in examining the connective tissue between the scenes . . . “and then”, “and then”, “and then” vs. “therefore”, “but”.

          I don’t think stringing your scenes together with “and thens” always makes for the most dynamic story.

    • Scott Crawford

      The first nine pages of THE SEVENTH RULE in outline form:

      * * *

      1. EXT. ST. LOUIS, NEIGHBORHOOD OF SOULARD – DAY

      A man posts a missing child poster on a telegraph pole.

      2. INT. MAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

      Man drives away.

      3. EXT. COUNTY JAIL – DAY

      Gerald “Gerry” Knight escorted out of jail by a deputy. People stare at Gerry.

      4. INT. GERRY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

      Gerry drives away.

      5. INT. GREEN STORAGE UNIT – DAY

      Inside is a video camera and Samantha, a 17 year-old girl tied to a chair and gagged. A video image of her appears on a digital display (on the video camera?). The chair is suspended over a carnival dunking tank with wires everywhere. The wires are tied to weights and each weight has a timer on it. As the timer on one reaches zero, the wire snaps and the chair lurches downwards a few inches so her legs touch the water.

      6. INT. BAR – DAY

      Gerry is getting sozzled.

      7. EXT. STREET – NIGHT

      People preparing for tomorrow’s Mardi Gras.

      8. INT. GERRY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

      Gerry watches a kid wearing a bizarre bird mask. The kid disappears and another motorist hoots at Gerry to drive on.

      9. EXT. GERRY’S HOUSE – LATER

      Man watches the house from his car then gets out.

      10. INT. GERRY’S HOUSE, FRONT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

      Gerry calls out to Sam to see if she’s home but gets no reply. He goes upstairs.

      11. EXT. ACROSS THE STREET

      Man opens the trunk of his car, takes out paper bag, grabs his briefcase, and closes the trunk.

      12. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

      Gerry still calling out for Sam, asks if she wants a pizza.

      13. EXT. GERRY’S HOUSE

      Man approaches the house.

      13. INT. SAMANTHA’S ROOM

      The room is empty but there’s a picture of Samantha, the girl from the storage unit, and a positive pregnancy test. Gerry has forgotten her softball game (she’s won a trophy). The doorbell rings.

      13. EXT. GERRY’S HOUSE

      The Man hands Gerry a Polaroid of Samantha, says he knows where she is and there’s a man who’s going to kill her. Gerry asks if this is a joke and the man says he is here to help. As Gerry reenters the house, the man produces handcuffs and a length of rope. The door closes. Black.

      14. EXT. GERRY’S HOUSE – DAY

      FADE IN:

      The Boy climbs down from a ladder leaned against a telephone pole outside Gerry’s house.

      15. INT. GERRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

      The polaroid is on the table. Gerry enters from the basement carrying a baby monitor.

      16. INT. BASEMENT

      The Man is now tied to a chair and handcuffed, asleep, with a baby monitor beside him. His shirt is caked in blood.

      17. INT. KITCHEN

      In voiceover we hear the Man explain that are rules. Rule #1 is don’t break the rules. Rule #2 us don’t believe everything he says. Gerry hears a groan on his baby monitor and goes to investigate.

      18. INT. STAIRS

      (Strange stuff, don’t understand). Voice over continues: Rule #3, don’t believe everything you see.

      19. INT. OTHER BASEMENT STAIRS

      (More strange stuff I don’t understand).

      * * *

      Big problems here. Several scenes where not much happens, scenes of entering and leaving, driving. Lots of MOOD WRITING.

      I get that Zack and Matthew, the writers, want this to be a mystery that unfolds so there are things that won’t payoff UNTIL LATER, but I don’t think that works. Setups must be entertaining IN THEIR OWN RIGHT.

      There DOES seem to be an interesting story here but it needs to be dramatized more. Or the characters need to be more interesting. And the last couple of scenes… I don’t know what’s going on there.

      • Zack

        interesting way of looking at things. thanks for putting in the effort, scott!

    • wlubake

      Glad to see the writer has set the story (or part) in Knoxville. Don’t know if that’s a hat tip to Tarantino, but it is my home town and not home to many movies.

    • Scott Crawford

      First ten pages of 100 PROOF in outline form.

      * * *

      1. Over black we see a title card that says “Please watch responsibly” then a hand slams a full bottle of whiskey labeled 100 Proof down on a bar. Over black.

      2. INT/EXT. PARTY MONTAGE – NIGHT

      Credits run over cellphone footage of college party antics.

      3. EXT. OMEGA HOUSE – NIGHT

      The plantation-style mansion lies on the edge of a large forest. More party antics.

      4. INT. OMEGA HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

      More party antics.

      5. INT. OMEGA HOUSE, EMILIO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

      A ménage à trois between three consenting adults.

      6. INT. OMEGA HOUSE, HALLWAY – NIGHT

      The sounds of the party nearby. A stone altar depicting squamous monsters spewing blood. A man in a white suit closes the door, blocking the audience’s view.

      7. INT. OMEGA HOUSE, GAME ROOM – NIGHT

      Toby and some college kids have been playing a card-based drinking game. Toby shows a trick involving stabbing the cards with a knife but leaving the chosen cards untouched. The knife flies from his hands and almost hits Zeek. Toby apologizes, however the trick works.

      8. EXT. OMEGA HOUSE, BACK PORCH – NIGHT

      Seek shows the others an ice statue he calls Princess Elsa and uses liquor and a lighter to spit flames. Everyone sings.

      9. EXT. OMEGA HOUSE, DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

      Toby struggles as Carly feeds him water. Everyone else is leaving. Toby explains that he is a pledge and so he has to do dumb stuff. Toby tells Carly to punch him in the stomach so he will throw up.

      * * *

      Again, nine scenes in ten pages. And most of those scenes are just people drinking. Not very dramatic. Only REAL plot point is the man in the white suit and the monster statue, not that it has anything to do anything RIGHT NOW.

      No, this is SERIOUSLY short on story.

    • Scott Crawford

      First ten pages of CLUB LAVENDER in outline form.

      * * *

      TEASER

      Footage of a speech by J. Edgar Hoover about the need for unity in the fight against common enemies.

      1. INT. DARK HALLWAY

      Lester peeks through slit in a door at men all wearing masques and watching the Hoover footage. Lester takes pictures of them with a camera but drops film on the floor, causing them to see him. Lester runs.

      2. EXT. STREET – DUSK

      A sign above Lester shows this is the CLUB LAVENDER. Lester runs past closed shop fronts and ducks into a phone booth to avoid a police cruiser. Lester dials a number but when the police cruiser returns, he runs and gets rid of the camera in a trash can. Lester ducks into an alleyway. Two cops follow and Lester surrenders to them and says he is a federal investigator. They knock him unconscious.

      3. EXT. FOREST GLADE – DUSK

      Black sedan parked in front of an abandoned barn. Big Wally is there. Police cruiser arrives and the two cops – Van Caster and Eddie Bocci – step out. Eddie pulls Lester from the trunk. Lester tries to escape but is stopped. After telling Big Wally that Lester claimed to be a fed, the cops leave. Wally puts his foot on Lester’s throat. A man emerges from the sedan wearing an angry face masque. As the life is squeezed out of Lester, he starts to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

      END TEASER

      ACT ONE

      CHYRON : QUEENS, NEW YORK – 1962

      4. EXT. TAXI DANCE HALL – NIGHT

      A collection of characters, many LGBTQ, listen to a sultry rendition of “Secret Love” by Sydney Towne. She sees a man with differently colored eyes but he disappears. Sydney is heckled off stage by a fat Mafioso called Tiny Pete.

      5. INT. DRESSING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

      Sydney rubs a scar on her back. There are pulls on the dresser. She has differently colored eyes, just like the man she saw. She removes her wig and we see that she is halfway through transition. Phil the nightclub owner enters, harangues her for what happened and for taking pills. Sydney says she’s sick of this shit. Phil says Pete isn’t a bad guy. Phil says there is fan waiting for her… not the old man with her eyes, but a man named James Pompero.

      * * *

      Just five scenes in ten pages. Scene five goes on the longest.

      This isn’t actually terrible… at least it’s something DIFFERENT. It feels DELIBERATELY slow and strange, like David Lynch. Fair enough.

      I would probably extend the opening scenes with Lester, maybe not get to Sydney till a bit later.

      But overall, for what it IS (TV pilot and all), this is less easy to take apart. Storywise.

      • Sly

        Thanks so much for the notes. I actually received another note to cut Lester out completely so it’s really interesting you wanted more.

    • Scott Crawford

      The first tend pages of A GOOD DEATH in outline form.

      * * *

      1. INT. ART MUSEUM – DAY

      Sally stares at a painting. A man in his 50s watches her.

      2. INT. JOHNNY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

      Johnny calls on a number on his cell phone.

      3. INT. ART MUSEUM – DAY

      Samantha’s cell phone rings and she takes it out of her bag. The man watching her moves towards her but she waves him away and answers the phone. Man exits.

      INTERCUT: SAMANTHA/JOHNNY

      Johnny wants to know where Samantha is and she says she is spending Johnny’s money. She says she is going to the gym but changes her mind when he asks if she wants a kid or not. Call ends. The painting decays a ghetto next to a bright, modern city. In the center of the painting is a 13 year-old girl in white.

      4. EXT. ART MUSEUM PARKING LOT – DAY

      Samantha walks to her late model sports car but a man approaches in a brand new Cadillac. The man asks her what her price is but she says she’s getting married. When he tries to grab her, she goes all Cynthia Rothrock on him and drops him where he stands.

      5. INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY

      Tommy asks if Samantha has beaten up ANOTHER guy. Tommy goes back to teaching martial arts.

      6. INT. JOHNNY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

      Samantha calls out for Johnny.

      7. INT. JOHNNY’S BARROOM – DAY

      Johnny swims in his pool. Samantha makes herself a drink then strips to her bra and panties.

      8. EXT. JOHNNY’S POOL – DAY

      Samantha tells Johnny she beat up another old client. Johnny disproves. They having a swimming contest.

      9. INT. JOHNNY’S DEN – DAY

      Samantha asks for some money for lunch while Johnny plans a vacation on his laptop. They discuss having a child.

      10. INT. SAMANTHA’S CAR – DAY

      As she drives through a Chicago neighborhood, people call out to her, addressing her as “Sammy.” She pulls over next to two prostitutes, one of whom is Judy. Carla shows up and they joke about old times.

      * * *

      Ten pages, ten scenes. Sluggish. Aside from beating up the old john, there’s not much going on here. Virtually no plot.

      Think of TAKEN. No action until Neeson saves Holly Vallance from being gutted. But there’s plenty of plot. His daughter’s birthday party, her stepfather buying her a horse, his retirement from the CIA so he can be nearer to her. The trip to Europe. Lots of plot. And not all told in dialogue, like this. By distilling the script down to a list of scenes, hopefully people can see what the story REALLY looks like.

    • Malibo Jackk

      The real question I ask is – does it work?
      I’m talking about the FIRST 10. For most amateur scripts it doesn’t – mostly because
      I find them boring – and all the faults of screenwriting are noticeable because I’m just not into the story/concept.
      But here we have a story with the promise of a UFO. It keeps me reading.
      Will it work for the first 10 minutes of a movie about UFOs?
      I think the answer is yes.
      Let’s not compare this to CLOSE ENCOUNTERS or ET.

      Maybe take a look at the first 10 minutes of ARRIVAL.
      (But keep in mind Arrival takes a much more serious look.)
      Could the first 10 of Arrival be handled better?
      I think the answer is yes – but it didn’t need to be – in order for audiences to like it.
      And I doubt it had the budget.

      (I am not disagreeing with what you point out. Only stating an opinion on what
      could be described as a slow opening with the first 10.
      If you have a killer subject, you can have a slow opening.
      If you don’t have that killer subject, a slow opening can be a killer.)

  • Amazon Wannabe

    Did your script ever make it through Evaluating? Mine’s been stuck there for 2 months.

  • Jack madden

    100 PROOF. I Read 30 pages. A few points:

    Overall, it wasn’t bad.

    1) The level of reality you were going for was consistent and there were no cartoon type characters that would take us out of this reality which is good going to pull off with these types of stories.
    2) What the script desperately needs is an opening horror scene, so the reader knows this is supposed to be a horror. It’s a big mistake not to do this, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear this note many times from those who look at your script.
    3) You have Toby as a geeky guy in your description although he just came across as a pretty regular guy—nothing much of note stood out, no fatal flaw that I could see where you might draw the laughs from.
    4) The relationship between Carly and Toby is fine—I see where it’s going, it’s all good. 5) The relationship between Carly and her room-mate strikes me as a little contrived; the conflict is a tad forced. I wonder if it would work better if it was Carly who had the problem with her roommate and the roommate was just cool about everything, rather than the bitchy comments. Also gives a little arc for Carly—maybe she needs to learn to live and let live, and not be so judgemental etc.

    Anyway, it was a clear, easy read. Good Luck.

  • Thaddeus Arnold

    What happened?

    Did they ever produce anything from user submissions? At least Amazon kept its promise to become a studio… just not through submissions from the common man.

    • Scott Crawford

      I watched a great film the other day that Amazon produced, Our Kind of Traitor (screenplay: Hossein Amini). Low budget film, Amazon probably stepped in and bought it, now you can watch it for free if you have Amazon Prime.

      Which is exactly what Netflix does. Maybe they decided that the Netflix model worked better. I think it does… it enables people to make unusual films and then have them bought outright, skipping over all that distribution and marketing crap (mostly).

  • carsonreeves1

    Just to clarify since this E.C. Henry thread about posting his script keeps coming up – there’s no guarantee your script will be posted. Tons of people have submitted and never gotten posted.

    E.C., didn’t you just have a script posted? It’s not like you’ve never been up for an Amateur Offerings.

    • hickeyyy

      Thank you for chiming in.

      I don’t know where his sense of entitlement came from. He was on a weekend and lost and was angry about it, and now he is claiming some conspiracy and demanding to be included? That’s a terrible attitude to take and will do him no favors.

      • Jaco

        It’s his M.O.

        He got his script on the first M.O. not because of merit – but because he griped so much. Looks like we’ve got Round 2 going on . . .

        • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

          BULLSHIT. I SHOULD have gotten the proper gautlet challenge that Carson originally had out there like two years ago. “A Heart Built on the Sand” vs. Allan Ball’s “American Beauty”. THAT would have been fun. NO REASON not to do it, Carson just chose not to.

          I mean you could always say it’s this blogsite owner’s choice. But I don’t understand ANY restriction against scripts being posted within two weeks of them being sent in.

          I’m a sweetheart of guy. I help little old ladies across the street. (At some point someone needs to start playing a violin for me)

          I shouldn’t have to gripe at all. This is what should have happened. When I submitted my script I should have gotten an acknowledgement e-mail. EVERY enrtry should get that. Then in the response Carson cue me or whoever sends him something an estimation of when it can be expected to be reviewed. Again, its basic, courtesy stuff.

          “The Commune” should have been put up over a month ago.

    • http://insideechenrysbrain.typepad.com/inside_the_brain_of_ec_he/ E.C. Henry

      Dude, you have DIRECT CONTROL of this. All you gotta do is put my script in there. You make it sound harder than it is.

  • Erica

    They are not getting rid of the storybuilder (index cards) I hope. I
    have tons of notes on there and none of it is backed up. Wish there was
    a way to export it or something just in case.

    • Scott Crawford

      You can’t just export as plain text? You may lose some formatting but at leasts your notes would be there.

      • Erica

        Wow, how did I miss that, it did work! Yes formatting is gone but at lest there is a text doc backup. Cheers!

    • A Man is No one

      Later this year, you will no longer be able to download the Storywriter Offline App. Beginning early 2018, the app will no longer open or be useable on your Windows, Mac, or Linux computer.
      The Good News
      Storywriter will still be available online at https://storywriter.amazon.com, and the Storywriter Chrome App will continue to be available on computers running Chrome OS (also known as Chromebooks).
      Important Next Steps
      In order to avoid losing your work, you must sync each script:
      Click on the Amazon Storywriter logo in the top left corner
      On the right side of each script, click the blue sync button
      When the green checkmark appears next to each script, success!
      To keep using Storywriter offline, we recommend one of the Chromebooks available at Amazon.com.
      Contact
      If you have any questions or problems syncing your scripts, please contact us at https://storywriter.amazon.com/contact-us.

  • Midnight Luck

    I’m still reading the entries, and will review when I can later,

    But have to go OT for a minute to refer back to a conversation AVATAR and I were having the other day about MOTHER!.

    Here’s a review about the movie and all the biblical references it holds – from the eye of the reviewer –>>

    The Meaning Of ‘Mother!’ Will Make Perfect Sense To Anyone Who’s Read A Certain Famous Text
    https://www.bustle.com/p/the-meaning-of-mother-will-make-perfect-sense-to-anyone-whos-read-a-certain-famous-text-2336644

    • RO

      Yeah I got the biblical references but I found this to be a poor film. First it’s an ignorant persons approach to the bible. God did not write the bible. So why is Him a writer? If anything he should have been a contractor working away at the house with Her. Humanity would be admirers of what he built and the things he does and write about it (ie: journalists). Second, anyone who does more than an hours worth of research on “god” would also include Islam (among the Jewish and Christians presented). The faith that claims they are the final testament and that the first two are not the true word of “him”. There is so much of this parallel that he could have developed but just went the lazy route.

      Sadly I was not impressed with this film. I suppose the next time Aronofsky writes a script he should spend more than a week on it.

      • PQOTD

        My guess is Aronofsky made Him a writer because the writer envisions and outlines the storyworld. An architect would therefore also have made sense, or perhaps an artist. It’s with whom the act of creation begins.

        Contractors work off blueprints, but those are first dreamed up by someone else. They’re just there to pour the concrete, or install the plumbing or electrical wiring, or to put up the drywall.

        • Midnight Luck

          Exactly.
          So if God was around 100 million years ago, would god have been in the form of a Dinosaur?
          Because they obviously were the clear “winners” in the genetic race and ruled the Earth above an beyond every other species.
          So why wouldn’t God be a Dinosaur?
          But, taking that argument, there’s an even better argument that god would be a Moss or a Lichen, or even a Fungus or a Virus or Parasite, being that they have been around for millions upon millions of years, and when you really look at it, are the clear “winners” in this genetic game and are much more superior than humans are. We’ve been here a blip in comparison to plants and fungus and viruses, etc, etc.

          But who would be on board with the idea that “god” would be in the shape of or look like a soft fuzzy green and grey thing stuck to the side of a rock, like Lichen?
          Or those first organisms that were one celled and literally were born in the ocean so far down where the molten lava of the Earth met the life giving substance of H2O, where no life could survive, but it was where the very first living creature came to be. In heat that now, not a single organism could survive in. But it gave life in the beginning.
          Sounds crazy.
          But it is so unusual, why wouldn’t this miracle of a one celled organism that started so far back in the beginning of it all, why wouldn’t “god” be in the likeness of that organism?

          And that’s just based on one Planet’s living creatures.

          Humans biggest weakness is their unrelenting EGO. The fact humans think they are better than everything else and everything they do has some kind of “value”, while they systematically destroy the entire planet and all it’s living life forms.

          Doesn’t sound “godly” to me.

          • Malibo Jackk

            …burning bush.
            Someone hasn’t read their Bible today.

          • Omoizele Okoawo

            Burning bush sounds like either lice or an std.

    • Midnight Luck

      and now Darren Aronofsky also talks about his intentions for why he did Mother! and what it meant for him:

      “This movie is very audacious and brave. You are talking about a director at the top of his game, and an actress at the top her game. They made a movie that was intended to be bold. Everyone wants original filmmaking, and everyone celebrates Netflix when they tell a story no one else wants to tell. This is our version. We don’t want all movies to be safe. And it’s okay if some people don’t like it.” –Megan Colligan (Paramount)

      http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/mother-film-movie-darren-aronofsky-2017-jennifer-lawrence-f-rating-reviews-critical-response-a7961051.html

      • PQOTD

        The problem is it’s not just “some people” who don’t like it, though.

        It’s kind-of almost everyone who’s seen it doesn’t like it, isn’t it?

  • http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts Eldave1

    Only had time to read five pages from each – leaving on vacay. My vote goes to Siege Perilous.

    • PQOTD

      Have a fun holiday, Eldave!

      • http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts Eldave1

        Thanks – going to Tahoe for a week of nature, drinking and gaming – vacate the mind :)

        • PQOTD

          And, on the bright side, no risk from hurricanes.

  • Levres de Sang

    A few first impressions…

    SIEGE PERILOUS: I can see what the writer’s going for, but are they trying too hard to catch that Spielberg vibe? Also, cliché alert with yet another pair of “kind eyes”. [N.b. I should also mention that two other scripts here give us “frantic” and “haunted” eyes on their opening pages.]

    THE SEVENTH RULE: For me, there’s a forgettable quality about the word “rule” in this title configuration. An odd criticism, I know, but “The Seventh…” comes with the cinematic pedigree of Bergman and Lewton. Logline also feels convoluted and generic, but to your credit the first page does set up a mystery. I like that we’re holding back on dialogue, too.

    100 PROOF: Flows with cinematic sensibility. A really terrific opening sequence! Easily the best written first page and top contender for my vote.

    CLUB LAVENDER: I recall reading some pages of this several weeks back and again I’m finding something a bit awkward about the prose in certain places. Indeed, “masque” feels misused in its present context. (You also don’t need O.S. if we’re OVER BLACK.)

    A GOOD DEATH: Really sorry, but I found the opening a bit clunky. You don’t need to cut to a guy making a call. At this early stage we want to be intrigued. Just show the protag answering her cell. Also wondering if this can distinguish itself from all those other direct to video flicks?

    • Sly

      Masque is used because they’re burlesque sort of masques which were popular in the 1960s where the script took place. Thanks for the thoughts anyway.

      • Levres de Sang

        Ah, that’s fair enough. Maybe add the word “burlesque” in there so it’s clear.

        ** IIRC, Antonioni did something similar with his revellers in Blow Up.

        • Sly

          The word is used to describe them once we get a clearer view. It’s in the teaser but not the first page because they were obscured

    • Zack

      re: 7th — noted about title and logline. glad that you liked the mystery of the first page and the idea of reserving dialogue… thanks!

  • Levres de Sang

    I’ll say it again… You’ve written a terrific opening page! Will try and check out more over the weekend. In the meantime, I hope people give it a shot…

    • Poe_Serling

      Just a thought…

      The writer could make it a Halloween party. Really set the tone right
      out of the gate with costumes and decorations… then have the POV
      lurk through cavernous rooms and shadowy hallways… hinting at
      some possible Lovecraftian symbols partially hidden in shadow on
      the walls… and perhaps for the final touch – a Miskatonic University
      brochure on someone’s nightstand or a coffee table.

      • Levres de Sang

        Fantastic idea!

        • Poe_Serling

          As of right now on the pages, the story line has all the fixings
          of a typical college party scene and setting.

          So, when the audience gets a glimpse of the guy in a white
          suit closing door, it’s almost too much of a “hey, look at me’
          moment in the otherwise pretty normal activities.

          For me, it kinda pulled me out of the flow.

          In keeping with my above suggestion…

          If that quick peek of the guy in white was blended into a more
          Halloween-themed atmosphere at the fraternity house, I think
          it would make for a more subtle cue on some strange goings-on
          there and pay off in a more rewarding experience down the line
          when the viewers might think to themselves “Oh, that’s the guy
          we saw at the beginning… now the pieces to the puzzle are
          starting to fit together.”

        • Poe_Serling

          This upcoming film (a Gothic ghost story) just showed up on
          my radar:

          The Lodgers

          Siblings in a decaying mansion are being controlled by
          supernatural forces with their own very specific agenda:
          in bed by by midnight each night, no strangers allowed
          on the grounds, never sell the house.

          It’s getting a ton of solid reviews and supposedly drips
          with atmosphere.

          I just put it on my to-see list.

          • Levres de Sang

            That does sound amazing! In fact, I’d love for it to be as good as it sounds.

            ** Also wanted to kind of recommend — in response to your previous post in this thread — a 1977 sorority pic called Sisters of Death. I’ve only seen some of it online (looks long out of print), but the opening is great!

            https://archive.org/details/SistersofDeath

  • Ashley Sanders

    Read the first three pages or more of each.
    I found the writing style of The Seventh Rule a little novellistic and the subject matter probably isn’t my cup of tea. I think some description could be cut on this one to make for a quicker read.
    Club Lavender seemed to playing with a lot of fonts. I like the idea of the premise though.
    100 Proof was nicely done, I could see it and I’m sure it gets there but I didn’t notice much horror or comedy in the first three pages.
    A Good Death, it’s probably just a personal taste thing and entirely what the writer was going for but I didn’t get on with the heightened dialogue. These were definitely people in a movie talking rather than naturalistic. But hey, I didn’t like John Wick at all, so I am clearly out of step with this whole genre. Weirdly I Loved The Equilizer remake though.
    The script I found myself enjoying the most was Siege Perilous, so that’s my VOTE

    SIEGE PERILOUS

    • Jack madden

      you’re right about Seventh seal writers not doing themselves any favours with their windy descriptions. Shame, because once you got past the breezy start it was actually pretty good.

      • Zack

        re: 7th rule. noted! one of the risks we took for certain in hopes of creating an image and tone. based on feedback here, appears we went too far — need to kill mor eof our darlings as it were. but glad you ultimately liked it — appreciate your willingness to work past those issues and read however much you did. thanks!

        • Jack madden

          Ha! Seventh seal– just noticed. I read just under 70 pages– I’m just typing up some of my thoughts. will post in a couple of mins

  • Amazon Wannabe

    Damn, 9 MONTHS!!! Thanks for the heads up.
    I just put a note on my calendar for April 1 2018 (Easter and April Fools) to check on it again.

  • PQOTD

    Good morning/afternoon/evening all – morning here and I haven’t checked the comments yet.

    I got an email from Zack and Matthew to say they were replying to comments but were stuck in moderation hell. Hopefully, they’re okay now.

    Completely OT now – for those of you who like your football fast moving and free flowing, unencumbered by helmets, padding, and all the other accoutrements, or even if you just like watching blokes with rippling muscles in action, next weekend is Australia’s equivalent of the Superbowl – it’s Australian Rules football’s Grand Final. It’s probably going to be on ESPN or live-streamed.

    And my mighty Adelaide Crows’ll be playing. They’re in the blue, red and yellow kit. They were in formidable form last night. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8277c10f0dd638d0e8cb55ee4ca81ca19a2cec5709cd041ca56bdf308e9a4035.jpg

  • Jack madden

    A GOOD DEATH.

    I read 15 pages. As a completely irrelevant point, it’s cool that you share the same name as the author of a very well-known and important British book (The ragged trousered philanthropists).

    For me, a good death is a Steven Seagal type script, the types who would like his films would buy into this and with a good polish– a good fuckin’ scrub actually, I don’t see why you couldn’t sell this script. It’s not at the standard of script to attract big time Charlie potato types but I’m sure it might tickle the fancy of some low-budget producers out there.

    OVERALL
    With these type of scripts, brevity is king (brevity is always king full stop—but more so when you’re trying to sell a script to people who don’t like to read) so you need to cut the fat off your scene descriptions and more so your dialogue.

    PLOT
    Your plot seems to be plodding in the right direction. I didn’t agree with other commentators who thought it was bad of Sammy to get the other hookers dolled up etc. I thought all that stuff was fine and in keeping with their reality etc. I’m hoping your plot is fairly generic and predictable with attractive girls and all the rest—that’s what this script wants, safe and solid—that’s what will sell this script, that’s what a low budget producer will
    want—safe and solid.

    DESCRIPTIONS
    You describe Johnny’s apartment as tastefully decorated. Who’s taste? The first words out of Johnny’s mouth to his girl are ‘where are you bitch?’—I’m pretty sure a guy who speaks like that, his idea of taste would be pretty far away from my idea of what is tasteful. I’m imagining this guy’s idea of taste is a TV screen the size of a bay window, lava lamps and chinchilla rugs.

    BARRY 46, short in stature but his demeanour demands respect— What does that mean? Are you trying to say, he’s short but looks like he can handle himself? Why not just keep it simple, BARRY, 46, Small, tough. The type of people who dig these type of scripts want to be led to the good stuff in as few words as possible. Say what you need to say in a couple of words.

    DIALOGUE
    You really need to scrape away most of your dialogue. Dialogue becomes snappier when people are saying very little. As an exercise, try taking Sammy’s dialogue out of the scene where the old flame blocks her in with his car. It’s surprising how much tighter a scene can get by eliminating every other line of dialogue. When the hookers get in the car, you don’t need all that dialogue, it’s unnecessary. Example of tightening a moment, Page 13
    #1
    Johnny raises a hinged section of bar. Max goes through it.
    JOHNNY: why are you so nervous? MAX: you’re a scary guy Johnny JOHNNY: only if you fuck with me.
    Johnny follows Max to a hallway…

    OR
    #2
    Johnny raises a hinged section of bar. Max goes through it.
    MAX: you’re a scary guy Johnny
    Johnny follows Max to a hallway…

    OR
    #3
    Johnny raises a hinged section of bar. Max goes through it.
    JOHNNY: why so nervous?
    Johnny follows Max to a hallway…

    2 & 3 still show what you are trying to show with #1, but with less words.

    FORMATTING
    there needs to be another space between the end of one scene and your slugline for a new scene.

    I’ll shut up now. Good luck with it Robert.

    • The Old Man

      Why did you shut up! You made my day. :)

      Thank you for those awesome notes. Yeah, one thing I learned so far this weekend is I’ll need a “dialog doctor”. I suck at it.

      You hit my target audience right on the nose. I knew going in this story wouldn’t appeal to everybody. I purposely made it low budget: no special effects, no elaborate sets or costumes, no wild car chases, helicopter shots, or explosions.

      So yeah, if a producer wants to make this, he/she can have it for a song. Just seeing Sammy’s story appear on Netflix, HBO, Redbox, whatever, would be a dream come true for me. Of course, a little extra beer money wouldn’t hurt. :)

      Thanks, Jack. You’re my new favorite commentator.

      • Jack madden

        hey, it’s cool that you took it on the chin like a true champ. Dialogue is a paradox– you get good at it by getting rid of your dialogue. Do a brutal draft where you rip out tonnes of dialogue, just for fun– I bet you the scenes run tighter, smoother. I wish you all the best Robert.

        • The Old Man

          Hi Ashley,
          Thank you for taking a look and responding. This weekend is turning into a very humbling but helpful experience for me. I’m grateful for that. After I lick my wounds, I’ll get started on tearing Sammy down and putting her back together. I’m looking forward to it. I write for fun, its how I pass the time. Now I’ll have a lot better idea of how to make the script better.

          I appreciate all the help I’m getting here.

          • Ashley Sanders

            That’s a great attitude to have Robert. I just had someone pull apart a first draft for me and after the initial smart I know the script will be better for it and It’s reenergising to take it apart and make it better, when you get new input. The great thing about SS is you get feedback from a whole bunch of people and you can then spot where multiple people are having similar issues, then you know what to concentrate on. Crowd sourced feedback, it’s great.

      • Ashley Sanders

        I read the first 9 pages Robert. I thought the first dialogue over the phone on page one and two is what’s killing you and I think it’s because I didn’t know the characters yet, I couldn’t get a grasp on their tone, whether it was combative or playful.
        I liked the interaction in the parking lot. It’s a fun bit of action, sets up backstory and reveals character all at the same time. Good job. Not sure how many city art galleries have parking lots though. Certainly none in the U.K.
        Sammy goes to the gym, gets on her kit and then seems to just have a conversation and leave without working out. I found that odd.
        If johnny has a pool, is that more than an upper middle class house? But his front door goes straight into the living room. If he is worried about his girlfriends drinking, I’m surprised he keeps a well stocked bar room. I liked their interaction about swimming, it was cute, but was less keen when we got to holiday booking, it felt like forcing conflict s little. Ibiza isn’t in Spain, you’d just say you were going to Ibiza.
        This seems like a currently commercial idea and just needs a little extra polish.
        Anyway, I think out of the opening ten pages, it might be the dialogue on page one that especially needs attention at the moment, that and the non gym gym visit. Hope that helps. A

  • PQOTD

    I’m a bit confused about the whole “snowflake” thing. Is it racial?

    I always thought it was in the sense that Robbie Burns used snow in ‘Tam O’Shanter':

    “But pleasures are like poppies spread,
    You seize the flower, its bloom is shed,
    Or like the snow falls in the river,
    A moment white, then gone forever.”

    In other words, snowflakes are delicate and easily obliterated.

    • Fight Club

      Actually, Chuck Palahniuk wants credit for the “new” usage to describe (over)sensitive liberals.

      • Fight Club

        And it’s not racist (in this regards). When describing oversensitive people, these days even a black person can be a snowflake.

        • HRV

          It’s been used to describe the liberals who couldn’t/can’t stop whining that Hillary lost the election.

          • PQOTD

            I see.

            So when Donald goes to, for instance, the Coast Guard cadets’ graduation ceremony and throws a giant pity-party for himself (even though he won the election) he’s clearly being a “snowflake”.

            Got it. Thank you, HRV. :)

          • HRV

            If he were a liberal, then yes.

          • PQOTD

            I don’t hate you – or anyone, for that matter.

            My brother and sister were both ex-mil, and when Donald turned up to the Coast Guard cadets graduatiion ceremony and made his speech about himself and how the media had done him wrong and about the size of his inaugural crowd, etc, etc – and not about the commitment of those young men and women to country and duty – I felt nothing but contempt for the man.

            So if “snowflake” is about whining, it should be just as applicable to him as anyone else. That guy’s got self-pity down to a fine art.

          • HRV

            Me neither. I should have said: hate on. It was really just a figure of speech.

    • JasonTremblay

      Snowflakes ARE white.

    • Citizen M

      “Snowflake” is short for “mama’s special little snowflake”, i.e. someone who was coddled and cosseted and indulged from birth, leading to a very unrealistic and entitled world view. The complete opposite of “street smart”.

      • PQOTD

        Thanks, Citizen. It’s not a term I hear where I live – possibly because it doesn’t snow here (climate-wise, it’s more like South Africa). In China, thanks mostly to the one-child policy, I believe they call such children ‘little princes’ and ‘little princesses’.

  • Chris Shamburger

    Of the five entries, 100 Proof jumped out to me as the one I would want to see most. It’s almost as if the writer watched Get Out and asked himself, “What if the Armitage’s had another family member in a fraternity?” I found it engaging enough to get me to page 28, and I’ll likely read more when I get the chance.

    Now, that being said, there is quite a bit to work on with the script, which leads me to believe this might stand a better chance with Carson after a heavy edit (which is why I’m not going to vote for it). But overall, I got exactly what the writer was going for and think it has tons of potential.

  • Levres de Sang

    Aaaarghhhh… it’s march of the first time voters!! :/

    • Justin

      Yep. They’re so convincing I’m thinking of switching my vote.

    • Midnight Luck

      they all have full, real sounding names as well.

      Christopher Huckabee
      not
      Lizzzzard….
      or whatever his name was.

      smells fishy.

    • Chris Shamburger

      My name sounds real because it IS real. One of my scripts was chosen for AOW and reviewed by Carson last year. I may not participate in the discussions as much as I’d like, but this is hardly my first time here.

      And if you read my post about 100 Proof carefully, you’ll clearly see I didn’t vote for anything.

      But thanks for the warm welcome.

      • Erica

        This wouldn’t have been directed at you, it’s the 2 other who are literally a first time poster with just their pick and no breakdown of why or other reviews. This happens from time to time with over eager writers trying to win by cheating.

        It’s okay though because Carson can see the ip of the poster.

      • Justin

        Says you have 20 comments, and Levres never mentioned you, so… I’m curious why you felt the need to be defensive?

        • Chris Shamburger

          I didn’t mean to reply specifically to Levres. For that, I apologize. But I did feel unfairly singled out by OmegaKappaFU and Midnight Luck just because I posted… and I didn’t even vote!

          • Justin

            I didn’t see those posts, so never mind. Makes sense. I retract my question.

  • Devil.Fear.Dark.TRIO.GO

    test

  • Zero

    I’ll get into the scripts themselves starting tomorrow, as I’ll have more free time than usual this weekend.

    Tonight, I wanted to give my thoughts on the loglines and concepts presented here.
    Overall, I’d want to watch A Good Death most, followed by Siege Perilous [despite the logline & title], 100 Proof, Club Lavender, and The Seventh Rule least.

    Siege Perilous: The title is, well, just not good. It doesn’t roll off the tongue very well, and sounds awkward and unnatural. It also doesn’t sound at all like the title of an SF mystery [more like an urban action-heavy flick]. To the point, it doesn’t connect to the logline, which is even more important.

    The logline feels incomplete. What HAPPENS during the movie? What does the investigator DO to get in over his head? Or what does he do to solve the problem? Maybe it’s just me, but I hate these ‘TV Guide’ teaser-style loglines. I would much rather read a more traditional ‘x must do y before z happens’ kind of logline.

    The Seventh Rule: From a pure writing standpoint, the last part of it [‘even as it becomes increasingly clear that this man is involved in her disappearance’] could be cut, and the logline loses nothing. It gains a shorter length, which is good.

    I’m not much into psychological contained anything. But I’m kind of curious to see how such an unlikable protagonist might be written, if/how the writer depicts them, even redeems them or not. The abusive and willing-to-abduct aspects outweigh the having-own-daughter-abducted aspect.

    100 Proof: Another teaser-style logline, even worse than Siege Perilous’ one. This is more of a concept than a logline – to the point of including an ‘x-meets-y’ variant in it.

    I could see the commercial potential in this [not the script, yet]. Horror is big now, and it would carry a less popular genre that’s been welded onto it.

    But I personally am turned off by movies and scripts that are too crude and heavy-R, so I may have difficulty even reading this.

    Club Lavender: Some of the elements here sound interesting, and may be a draw if the right people are found to push it. I’m not so hard on the type of logline here, because loglines for a whole tv series can’t be specific.

    When I read those list of upcoming pilots, or television deal reports, I like it when a pilot logline is included alongside the general series logline. I wonder if Carson would allow both a series logline and pilot logline for pilots?

    But the logline here feels like there’s a LOT of elements to juggle. It sounds complex, even cumbersome. Eight different elements may be too many.

    A Good Death: A good structure to the logline, and a decent concept. A concept that promises lots of excitement and action.
    Yet, it’s not grabbing me. It sounds a touch too R-rated for me, but that’s only a small part of why it doesn’t grab me. I feel…like there’s not enough new about it, at least from what’s conveyed in the logline. There have been movies like this before – women getting revenge. But it doesn’t have the cool/unexpected/fantastic element that many of the ‘unrealistic super-women’ [as the writer said] movies do.

    • Zack

      re: 7th rule — we play a lot with genre and reader expectations, and in this case, to sort of answer your question without giving too much away, we needed to walk a line of unlikable but sympathetic — for both the protagonist/antagonist roles… i could say more with a Spoiler warning, but didn’t know if you wanted me to say too much or not… but happy to expand on the thought if you’d like. thanks!

  • scriptfeels

    The only one i’ve cracked open so far is 100 proof. I’ve been enjoying the pages, but some of the camera directions took me out of the script, if I remember. The story is pretty simple. A boy is pledging for a frat, he drinks a lot, and a girl who likes him from his hometown is there too. His friend has him try to prepare for the pledge when they meet a crazy guy yelling about the occult who tries to stab them. That’s where I’ve gotten to at the moment, probably around page 20. It’s not anything too wild or unexpected, but I don’t hate it. It’s been enjoyable enough that I want to keep reading I guess. I’ll post more thoughts later.

  • BMCHB

    MY VOTE: Siege Perilous

    Formatting and punctuation issues throughout but engaged me the most as a concept/story.

    Take Page one…

    “and King Arthur”. Just stick it after the ellipsis on sentence above.

    “Daniel is beaming” – Just stick “beaming” in parenthetical in next dialogue.

    MIND YOUR REAL ESTATE! Especially on first page. Space is expensive.

    Definitely a really good storyteller here with something to say. It’s better to have to work on screenplay formatting issues than story.

    Honorable Mention: Club Lavender.

    Be happy to see this win, too. I’d probably rather it as a film. I couldn’t see myself following this milieu for 10/13/22 episodes… Dialogue a “little” over-boiled. I can tell a lot of research went into this, lot of heart as well. Some fantastic visual flourishes throughout. All this needs is to find its way in front of a director/producer with the same passion.

    Best of luck to all writers.

    B

    • BMCHB

      ** Consider rewriting The Seventh Rule for the stage…

      • Zack

        we’ve actually had that idea as well. appreciate the thought. thanks!

  • HelTek

    VOTE: Siege Perilous

    This seems like a pretty early draft (typos, overwritten/on the nose dialog, uninspired and unpolished action lines, possible structure issues, not enough variety in word choices, e.g., “wide-eyed”, etc.), but it did keep me turning the pages and I read the whole thing.

    *Spoilers*

    Not enthused about the title (nor the name of the company/machine for that matter).
    It’s too awkward, hard to remember, and doesn’t really evoke the Sci-Fi genre.

    I realize it’s worked into the story, but does there really need to be an Arthurian connection? The Holy Grail reference barely holds up. Plus we just had a Sci-Fi movie related to King Arthur (Transformers: The Last Knight). And even Guy Richie’s King Arthur was sort of Sci-Fi wasn’t it, or in some alternate timeline/future (I didn’t see that one)?

    I think it would be fairly easy to replace the references with something more Sci-Fi sounding (it can still be based on ancient legends or mythology), and thus come up with a more suitable title/company name/machine name that hopefully can be more integrated in with the theme, plot, characters, etc.

    Just a thought.

  • Jack madden

    SEVENTH RULE

    Read 68 pages.

    It’s good.

    I read late last night and made the terrible mistake of not taking any notes, so I’m sort of riffing a little here:

    DESCRIPTION
    You guys are not doing yourself any favours with that opening page, in fact the first few pages. Whhhoooaaa driver, waaaaayyyyy too much text on the page. It will instantly put at least 50% of people off, they’ll take one look at all those words and think… nah, fuck that.
    And it’s a real shame because your story is pretty solid. Ironically, with most scripts the further you get into the script the worse the writing becomes—yours is the opposite, the further you get in, the better the writing. Why is it better? Here’s what I think…

    You’re trying too hard.

    It’s like on the opening pages you’re trying to be T. S. Eliot with all that descriptive prose. Most of it is unnecessary. Example:
    Page 2: Small town busy-bodies watch pointedly, greedily taking in the sight of him. Gossip ready to flow like rabid foam from rubied lips holding the morning’s fourth cigarette.

    Compare with:

    Small town busy-bodies watch. Gossip ready to flow like rabid foam.

    I’ll mention something you guys already know, with poetic descriptive writing, its main purpose is to bring richness through comparison– simile/metaphor/symbol etc. But some of your poetic descriptions are ‘on the nose’ for the most part. Gerry scrapes dust off a TV screen and you describe it as ‘forgotten years’ or something—dust is dead skin, you could make it like Gerry is shedding skin, or it’s representative of all the years he never sat
    watching TV with his daughter… or you could just say Gerry wipes dust off the screen. My point basically is, if you are not describing exactly what we are seeing then you have to make your comparisons fit with the genre or thematically. Short and clear trumps all.

    It also seems at times that maybe both of you are taking turns with description. P8 Gerry takes a drink. Hair of the dog, and all that. === that is a different style of writing (casual, conversational) than the T.S. Eliot wastelands attempt. Maybe it was the same writer? Dunno, but consistency is needed nevertheless.

    FORMATTING
    FADE IN = is a waste of paper, not needed.
    (V.O.) you’re using it incorrectly. Voice overs are basically for narrators.
    Think Red in Shawshank redemption. You could say FATHER (FROM TV) or radio,
    whatever it was.
    INTERRUPTIONS – don’t write (INTERRUPTION) next to name. To interrupt dialogue
    you put a dash— at the end of their sentence and a dash– at the beginning of
    the interrupting sentence.
    (Beat) your use of beat in dialogue is a little unnecessary. Example p24 Hello?
    (beat) who is this (beat) hello—those beats are not needed. Generally use beat
    as an afterthought or a deliberate or organic pause (for dramatic purposes).

    PACING
    With most scripts, people take too long to get to their story. Again this is the exception. I wonder are you leaping too soon? For example, what if when we met Gerry, he is still in a holding cell, let’s say he pisses his pants as he sleeps and a policeman is calling him a disgrace etc. Maybe a policeman gives him a slap– there’s more chance an audience would feel for him, rather than you just telling us that he is an alcoholic.

    With the Man, is there any way you could give us a glimpse of his hallucinations before he gets to Gerry’s house? A little more mystery with the man before he got to Gerry’s wouldn’t hurt. Man knocks on Gerry’s door at page 6—that’s too soon, seriously.
    I know you’re trying to get on with the story for fear of ridicule, but it’s too soon. You could have man go to the door on P6 and Gerry not answer because of some fuck up reason—maybe man leaves a photo or something on the doorstep then returns around page 15, starting the story too soon is making the middle bit of your story suffer a little. Start your story a little later and structurally it will work wonders.

    RANDOM
    I wonder if you’d be better calling the MAN, the STRANGER instead. Man gets a bit boring after a while. Could you give Gerry a bad case of the horrors—alcoholic shakes,
    he desperately needs to find a bottle of vodka. Maybe it would tie in more with man’s
    mental health problem and need for pills.

    Page 68, Gerry points his gun at policeman—wouldn’t happen really (generally speaking). You hold a gun and don’t drop it instantly, you’re getting shot.

    SO… why didn’t I finish the script? I might, I’m tempted, a bit. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t lose any sleep. I guess it is due to a few factors:
    Not caring about Gerry enough.
    Not feeling any empathy for the girl (I don’t know her enough)—could there be things in the house to give us clues as to her character? Yes, she’s intelligent—but that’s characterisation, not character. Example, what if she left a dinner in the fridge for Gerry and he broke down crying knowing he doesn’t deserve such a girl etc.

    What is Gerry’s skillset? What is he good at? How can that come into use in the plot? Let’s say he was obsessed with jigsaws, he loves putting the pieces back together etc. Or let’s say he was an expert in torture—as it stands, Gerry is just a bit of a bland drunk, that’s fine for the story but it has no bearing on the plot.

    I think you are both very capable writers and without doubt you have a good story here. I honestly think with another strong push you would have a script that someone will snap your hands off to get at.

    Good luck guys. If you’ve got any questions, points or disagree etc. Gimme a shout—I’m cool with discussing.

    • Zack

      thanks a ton for all of this. lots of things for us to think about! i don’t think we’d disagree about a lot of what you said — and i think some of your problems with the script (like the cop not shooting Gerry when Gerry pointed the gun at him) would be answered to your satisfaction later in the script (a lot of the ‘reveals’ happen towards the very end). thanks for taking the time to read as much as you did and glad you thought it got stronger as it went. and thanks for the very detailed notes, so much for us to consider when we revisit it!

      • Jack madden

        I’ll finish the rest when I have time, let you know. It was good.

        • Zack

          awesome, thanks! feel free to email us at DandDScreenwriting at gmail… look forward to hearing what you think!

    • BMCHB

      Awesome notes! Tips for every writer here.

  • BMCHB

    About to start reading “Meat”. A day off is the best day. I expect Logan’s story will be great. What a week! Mozzer is back!

    • Scott Crawford

      Yeah, Logan’s done well. Happy for the man.

      What think you of new Morrissey biopic?

      • BMCHB

        Well, Scott… since you asked… What Morrissey biopic? Was there one with no song-rights a couple [of] years ago?

        The Smiths made me the man I am

        • Scott Crawford

          • BMCHB

            You’re a ginger, Scott. One of ours.

            I’m okay with that! :-)

  • Salem

    “Note: UNBOLD THE CHARACTERS and SOUND EFFECTS or I take my vote back.”

    Man, you’re such a d!ck. Like anyone should take orders from you. Shove your vote where the sun don’t shine.

  • Jack madden

    SIEGE PERILOUS

    Read about 30 pages.

    A few random points…

    I don’t think the whole first scene with Daniel as a boy is needed, personally. If the colour of his mum’s eyes comes into play, maybe this could be a reveal on a photo later on? Anyway…

    PAGE 1: I understand why you have (V.O.) with the opening dialogue—they are in the shot but not within earshot. Still, (V.O.) isn’t appropriate. You have Ed Gorga’s voice as a (V.O.) on page 3—that’s correct, because he isn’t in that scene.

    If it was me, I would mention that a father and son sit in the Bronco, and if you listen carefully you might hear what they are saying… BOY, FATHER—something like that. Then introduce them.

    PAGE 1: you are hamming it up a little with the scene description. Doyle studies his son like an accidental miracle—it reads like something from an episode of ‘highway to heaven’. If in fact, Daniel is an accidental miracle because his ma was an alien or his dad a jaffa or something, then underline accidental miracle, it will plant a seed in reader’s mind.

    PAGE 2: same melodramatic descriptions—Doyle meets his son’s tortured eyes. –You’re laying it on thick again– Doyle smirks and winks at his son—you’re giving me a running commentary of every expression. I’m guessing that this scene was written from the heart, which I respect, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m expecting John-boy from the Waltons to turn up any second. You’re a decent writer, cut the melodrama, it comes across as soppy, not heartfelt.

    PAGE 3: When you cut to 2016—you should firstly focus on Daniel at the back of the room and make a connection from young Dan in the previous scene—it will be a smoother transition.

    PAGE 4: Convention lobby—I would show more weirdos and cranks. Personally this is where I would start the script, giving us a taste of a lot of wild stories etc. The stuff with Theodore and Daniel is good, entertaining—although I think there’s more opportunity to make the scene even more humorous.

    PAGE 6: Exposition about Daniel being in FBI and Caitlin etc. Again, you’re laying it on thick. The exposition is forced. Do we really need to know? We find out expo about Caitlin on page 11 and that is fine, it seems natural. Same with Daniel when he is with the arsehole coppers. But here it’s coming across as contrived.

    Your dialogue is decent mostly, it could do with a trim here and there for example on PAGE 9 “Thanks. For that” “tomorrow should be fun” then cut to tomorrow. The scene still works the same minus the extraneous dialogue.

    PAGE 13 Theodore: I think it’s “time” for you to leave

    PAGE 17 When David gives his exposition – I’m thinking it may work better if David lifted a photo frame belonging to detective “this your daughter? This your wife? Pretty” then “how would you like it if… lego—skull fucked and five others just like her etc.

    STRUCTURALLY the script is ticking over at a good pace—seems a pretty decent script, only time constraints stopped me reading more.
    Good luck with it Brian. Definitely a market for this kind of stuff.

  • BMCHB

    I just finished “MEAT”.

    It’s short. I Don’t get it. I’m not the audience. Is there a film there? I’m going to say: no.

    Really?

    Siege and Lavender from this weekend are both much better IMO.

    • Scott Crawford

      Fair enough. Still like him to sell it, though. Or at least get work from it.

      • BMCHB

        I only wish anyone here the best.

        There is no way that Lavender is not the best script written here in my time.

        I voted SP because it is a better story, only in my opinion.

        Both are better than Meat.

        • Sly

          Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever get reviewed by Carson because many people dismiss my script based on a combination of factors.

      • BMCHB

    • klmn

      I had the same reaction, but maybe Logan’s new manager has ideas for punching it up.

      Anyway, congratulations to him.

      • BMCHB

        I’ve already congratulated Logan.

        Lavender writer is better IMO.

        SP writer has the potential to be better than both.

        • Scott Crawford

          Congratulate him again!

          Most writers on AOW have the potential to be better. One problem is lack of voice, or at least lack of individuality. They have good ideas but they go for the most obvious solution.

          The second problem, I think Siege has this, is looseness, they need tighter storytelling. Ditch the superfluous scenes, enhance the scenes you a,ready have. Don’t give people a chance to move on.

          • BMCHB

            Change my vote to Lavender, please.

            Only if it’s not too late, Scott… It should be the best writer that wins….

      • Wes Mantooth

        It didn’t surprise when I heard Logan was signed, as Meat showed some real talent. But it did surprise me when Carson said that Good Fear was sending the script out this weekend. Potential aside, that script needed some serious work, as even Carson mentioned.

    • Adam McCulloch

      I wasn’t excited by Meat either but I’m so happy for him to get representation. It’s a lot of work for a manager to take on a new client and put the effort into getting them to a point that they can earn out. It’s always good to have people on your side and, in spite of how it might feel sometimes, the good folks on SS critiquing each other’s work is still very much about people being on each other’s side.
      I hope the Meat writer returns to SS regularly and shares some of the lessons he learns in his rise through the ranks

      • BMCHB

        Now I hope the Lavender writer wins today! I’m going to try to change my vote. Scott?

        • Scott Crawford

          Changing it.

      • Scott Crawford

        If it’s MANAGEMENT, they’ll be think LONG TERM not just thus script. And like CR says, Logan shows a voice. Not mine, not yours… his. Maybe that’s what prod cos are looking for, unique takes. Maybe Logan might get the Joker origins gig like Hodson got the Harley Quinn gig.

      • BMCHB

        My only issue with the writer of “Lavender…” is can s/he write as good again… ?

        • Sly

          I would certainly hope so. No pressure though… :/

  • Adam McCulloch

    Late to to the party today. If I can vote on the basis of loglines alone, I’d like to say that A GOOD DEATH had the clearest logline but I’d like to cast my vote for CLUB LAVENDER

    Title: Siege Perilous
    Logline: I don’t see what the conflict is here: a UFO investigator wants to find aliens and then finds them? I’m sure there is some but it’s just not evident in the logline. Also, the protagonist doesn’t seem active enough. Staking out an observatory is not as active as breaking into it and stealing the recording. It may be that your screenplay is full of conflict and the protagonist is active but it’s not coming across. I also think there needs to be an implication for what the alien communication is. Is it a warning, a link to another world or something else entirely? Either way, I think it could help drive the story.

    Title: The Seventh Rule
    Logline: I have a problem with the protagonist. He’s an abusive father who has imprisoned someone in his basement. I don’t want him to succeed. In fact I would suggest maybe rewriting either the logline or the script from the perspective of the daughter. She’s the one who has been abused and has been kidnapped. Her father, quite frankly, is an asshole. I think you might be going against the natural grain of the story.

    Title: 100 Proof
    Logline: The logline describes a situation not a story. I’m not sure what the conflict is. Give more details about what the protag is trying to do, otherwise all we have is the fact that the story takes place in a fraternity. The problem with that is the fraternity is the antagonist’s world (i.e. the world we are meant to hate) and therefore, without a protagonist struggle to relate to, my response is, “I hate fraternities”.

    Title: CLUB LAVENDER
    Logline: Club Lavender follows a transgender cabaret singer forced to go undercover for the fbi to infiltrate a gay private club run by an alleged communist gangster.

    The antagonist seems weak here which, in turn, weakens the story. “Alleged” immediately makes us care less. Mentioning that he is communist seems irrelevant and doesn’t make me more scared for the hero. Communist, socialist, capitalist, democrat, republican … who cares? Is it meant to make them seem scary or are they meant to be a Robin Hood gangster in some way?

    I don’t understand what the gangster is doing and therefore why the FBI would be involved and what they are expecting our hero to do. They go undercover, get into the club and then what? Maybe it’s okay to describe the set up for the world for TV, I’m really not sure, but I still think it should be clear what the protagonist is trying to do.

    Having said that, this is the most interesting logline for me.

    Title: A GOOD DEATH
    Logline: I think this is the best logline but the story it describes doesn’t sound interesting to me. There is a huge market for James Patterson style writing so I’m probably in the minority but, even from the logline and choice of characters, androgynous name, I can see that it’s very much written from the male gaze (which i think is a problem in this instance) and the scenario it describes doesn’t seem fresh. For this reason, I don’t think it would benefit from a full read from Carson.

    • Zack

      not to give too much away re: 7th rule, but you’re not supposed to like the father. and you’re making an assumption (one we anticipate/expect/kind of want initially as we are trying to set up and then work against expectations to create some mystery/tension/surprise) when you say the father is the ‘protagonist’.

      • Adam McCulloch

        So does your logline follow the arc of the antagonist? I’m not sure that’s how they work.

        • Zack

          certainly a fair question. more that the logline follows the main plot/narrative as set up by the script. it’s a fair logline in terms of the major action/plot of the script, especially the set-up and how a reader of the script would feel for probably half to 2/3 of the script. but the script is a psychological arc as much as narrative, so there are twists. and a twist wouldn’t be a twist if it was included in the logline. certainly a risk, but one we were aware of when we wrote the logline. especially as we didn’t think it would be fair to present the father as likeable and then betray that expectation in the script. so, a bit of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. we made a choice. we think it was the right choice. but we can definitely see how it could alienate readers and allow for the script to be pre-judged based on the logline. i think your reading of the logline is completely fair; i’m just not sure there’s a better way of presenting it without giving too much away.

          • Adam McCulloch

            It sounds like your logline is as you intended. I’d suggest maybe collating all the feedback on SS and deciding if the positive comments on the logline outweigh the negative. It might be worth seeing if there’s another way of articulating the story so as to draw more people in. I hope it goes well.

          • Zack

            definitely good advice!

  • Omoizele Okoawo

    Fuck you Old Man. I had no intention of reading a damn thing this weekend but I ended up taking a quick look at your script after reading some of the comments about it. I kept waiting for a misstep so I could put it down and do something else but I ended up reading till I ran out of pages.

    I don’t know if you did this on purpose but I felt like there was a neat little character arc starting from when Sam tries to help out her friends by buying them from their pimp and leveling up their prostitution game since that’s all she knew how to do, but then when she squares things with the pimps and tells her friend Judy to come back and work for her and judy says no, that felt like a turning point for Sam. I think if Judy hadn’t refused to come back, if Tony had offered her the job she would have taken it. If you wrote it that way on purpose, good on you, if not, then your subconscious does good work.

    The only part that I felt things slow down a little was, I think, around page 73 when Sam is telling Natalie about what happened to her when she was a kid and why she is the way she is. The strong woman having been raped is kind of an old trope so I would say go from the painter dude gets killed and robbed for all the money they made off the painting, she starts hooking from the age of thirteen and then her brother od’s and she leaves home. It’s not really a game changer if you edit that part or not, I just noticed that it was where the story got a little slow for me.

    I get annoyed when I’m reading a story and the villain has to act like a fucking moron in order for the hero to win because the writer isn’t smart enough to come up with something smart for the hero to do to get out of the situation. You had all your characters make a lot of smart choices in many places that made sense: when she figured out where Charlie was and talked him into coming out of hiding, when she came up with a quick back up plan so Charlie could escape if things went sour, when Sean killed Johnny and how Samantha got out of the situation with Sean, plus the final shootout and confrontation; all good work.

    It read like I was watching a Mickey Spillane novel with a street smart woman in place of the street smart man who usually populates his stories. I wonder if with a few tweeks this could be turned into a female John Wick situation? Anyway, good job. I was impressed. Now I gotta read the rest of these scripts so I don’t feel like a complete asshole.

    Fucker.

    • Scott Crawford

      Glad you read the whole thing. If, like me, you only read the first ten you’d want him to tighten it up. That was my impression. But it has potential.

      Don’t forget to vote!

    • The Old Man

      Omo, you can call me anything you want, anytime you want. Thank you so much.

      You stayed for the whole movie! Wow, I’m encouraged again, convinced there would be an audience for Sammy’s story. Several others have told me I’ll have to make changes if I don’t want them to leave after 5 or 10 minutes. I’ll do that. What a great opportunity this has turned out to be.

      Thank you,everybody!

      • Sly

        I know we are competing but I just have to say your enthusiasm is awesome and I look forward to what you have next tbh. Cheers.

        • The Old Man

          Hi Sly,
          We aren’t competing, we’re in this together, and getting a lot of terrific feedback. I’d say we are both winners.

  • shewrites

    Congrats, Logan, for getting signed up with “Meat”!

  • Bacon Statham

    Does anyone have Ballerina they can send my way please? Rooster82@hotmail.co.uk

    • klmn

      Sent.

      • Bacon Statham

        Thank you.

  • Scott Carter

    A Good Death.

    I was really excited by the idea, so I started reading this one, but it kinda takes a while to get going, and nothing really new or exciting seems to be happening here yet…

    FYI. I agreed a lot with what Ashley Sanders wrote below about this script’s first few pages.

    SPOILERS ALERT.

    Overall, maybe my issue with it is about character. Samantha seems emotionally distant, and she doesn’t really seem active (I read until page 29), and I can’t decide if what she’s doing for her friends who are still hookers is sweet and endearing or insulting and condescending, and she may have inadvertently killed her little brother (or some other little kid named Joey) and I’m not even sure she loved Johnny….Also, Johnny (Samantha’s fiance)…he’s not exactly a saint. He was killed in cold blood, sure, but on an errand as a Mob debt collector…a dirty job which has given him a life of excess and luxury….and if not, that, then Johnny lives in the lap of luxury because he has a rich dad and therefore Johnny grew up rich…? And Johnny didn’t put Samantha in his will?! I still think it’s a great idea, the execution just isn’t my cup of tea, maybe it’s a simple case of moving things along quicker and maybe you could still keep tough as nails Samantha but Johnny could be a better/nicer guy. I don’t know.

    OR maybe it was an expectation thing. Maybe when Carson mentioned female John Wick, I pictured something more “fun,” and I’m not sure this is a fun script. Which is fine. Maybe this is more of a Point Blank (or Payback, Director’s Cut if you will). Maybe it should be more of a female Unforgiven or a female Narc.

    No matter what, good luck!

    • The Old Man

      Thanks for your thoughts, Scott. Duly noted and will be considered. I realize Sammy’s story isn’t for everyone. It definitely isn’t a comedy. There is nothing humorous about Sammy’s life. She went through hell since the day she was born, but she eventually rose above it. Sadly, versions of her story happen in real life, and they seldom turn out positive. I’m rambling…

      Thanks for taking a look. I’ll welcome and consider any and all comments. I love this place.

      • Scott Carter

        What a great attitude. It’s wonderful that you’re tackling this kind of subject matter. Best of luck.

  • Citizen M

    No vote from me this week. None of the scripts was terrible, but none stood out, either.

    SIEGE PERILOUS

    Logline: Okay, could be more specific than ‘over his head’. Title gives no clue. Would change it.

    Read 30 pages. Not feeling it. When the logline said “space observatory” I was expecting some Flash Gordon outer space stuff. I think you mean “radio telescope”, but seeing as he hasn’t started staking it out yet I don’t know. So far there seems to be no GSU. One bunch of nuts of whom we know nothing threatening another bunch of nuts who purport to investigate UFOs as a scam to get money from people (at least I guess that’s how Ed gets his money). One investigation that wastes space and doesn’t advance the plot. I don’t even know if the main characters believe in what they are doing.

    These 30 pages could be cut in half. Lose the kid with comic books, lose the investigation that goes nowhere, set up characters and situations much better. Daniel is our guide through the story. Unfortunately, he knows stuff we don’t know. This is always bad. We should learn along with him, then we will get emotionally invested in the story.

    1. Mays Landing. If someone called May didn’t land a spaceship there, call it something more generic.
    1. Broncos/Bronco
    1. Is a Rancher a type of car or a type of house? Confused.
    2. A smirk is a bad thing. My dictionary defines it as “affected or conceited or silly smile”. It’s not a loving smile a father would give his son, unless he was a pedophile.
    3. Ed Gorga’s first dialogue is a pre-lap, not a v.o.
    14. Why are they wasting time with Theodore if he has nothing to do with UFOs?
    15. Where did the shotgun come from? Who are these “investigators”?
    16. Why would cops be douchebags for no reason?
    20. Unusual frequencies? I thought SETI looked for patterns.
    24. Why set up Sol then lose him? A waste of space.
    25. A limousine? Does their organization make lots of money?
    25. If your front door is open and you don’t expect it to be, you would approach it very cautiously, not rush in.

    THE SEVENTH RULE

    Logline: A bit clunky. Are we asked to root for a pedophile sadist? That’s a stretch. Sounds more like horror than thriller.

    Read 10 pages. Clearly this is not for me. It seems so artificial, setting up some sort of game or puzzle that I don’t believe could happen in real life. I don’t understand if Gerry overcame Man, or Man instructed Gerry to tie him up, or why any of this is happening. I don’t want to know, either. Nothing about these characters interests me.

    2. Where does a just -released prisoner get a car from?
    4. “snarled lips offering judgement” An example of over-writing typical of this script IMO.
    6. Should set up he promised to see daughter’s game on being released.
    7. Gerry meeting Man should be a bigger scene. He should be asking WTF is going on, threatening, pleading, something to reveal character and emotion.

    100 PROOF

    Logline: Presumes knowledge of Animal House and Lovecraft. Do Millenials know about them? I would rewrite without these references.

    Read to page 30. Not sure where this is going. An uneasy mashup of rom-com and horror needs more of both.

    2. ‘Squamous’ sounds rather medical. Use ‘scaly monsters’ instead.
    2. Nice opening montage.
    5. Diffuse means spread out. Defuse means prevent escalation. You defuse a situation, i.e. remove the fuse.
    12. Need a zinger from the cashier re concealer. Generally, the dialogue needs a punch-up.
    19. I’d forgotten about the squamous monster. This seems like a normal student rom-com up to now. We need more reminders of the villains’ plan to keep the tension up.
    22. Cub salute was two fingers, scout salute three fingers, when I was a scout.
    25. Tenets, not tenants. Tenet = principle, dogma, doctrine. A tenant lives in rented property.

    CLUB LAVENDER

    Read to page 19. I’m very confused. I have no idea what is going on. What gives with all the people in masks?

    11. Abby? Frankie? Someone didn’t check a name change.

    A GOOD DEATH

    Logline: Okay, could trim a little.

    Read to page 31. Bill Martell maintains that in an action movie, the villain’s plan drives the story. The problem here is I don’t know what the villain’s plan is, so I don’t know how much of a threat Samantha is to it, so i don’t know how much danger she is in nor how she will thwart them. So far, also, no particular evidence of street smarts. She seems to be having things too easy in solving the mystery of who killed her man. It’s a little too tame and talky. Plus she admits she was with Johnny for the money, the little gold-digger. This loses her sympathy points. Also, not sure what the title refers to.

    17. Does Samantha just leave her posse in the restaurant?
    19. Samantha is back home. Has she changed out of her disguise?
    20. How do horny men know her phone number? Surely she changed it for her new life?
    21. Barry would never believe she doesn’t know computers.
    24. I get the feeling there are too many scenes where they sit down and talk. We want action.
    28. door jam s/be jamb

    • Sly

      The people in masks are a secret society of gay men operating in 1960s New York at the time and were subject to scrutiny under cointelpro by the fbi. As for the name change that’s fair, missed that before sending it in.

      • Citizen M

        So the masks were an actual thing. Who knew? Given that most of us are unfamiliar with the NY 1960 gay scene, you might consider working a person into the story that will help us understand what is going on, for instance someone who is just coming out and dipping his toes in the scene for the first time, who will be our eyes and ears.

        I’m trying to think of examples. There’s “I” in “Withnail and I”, and there are more recent ones but they don’t come to mind at the moment.

        • Sly

          That was addressed in the second act. I assume page 19 was the end of the fi tfirst act. And Sydney serves as the character who gets introduced to the club

    • The Old Man

      Thanks M,
      I’ll add your name to the growing list of people who say the story is moving too slow. Maybe I should listen? :)

      17. She paid the bill and game the girls cab money
      18. Sure, she doesn’t need the wig and glasses anymore
      20. A lot of people know Sammy, or they know someone who does know her
      21. It doesn’t matter if he believes her or not, he’s taking the computer
      24. Noted, and will be taken care of
      28. Thanks.

      Yes, she was a gold-digger. She was a prostitute, a well paid one by the time she met Johnny. She gave that up to stay exclusively with him, planned on marrying him and starting a family. She did care for him. As far as the title – you’ll have to read the whole script to find out, or wait for the movie. :)

      • Citizen M

        I feel these things should be in the script to close up loose ends and/or show character.
        17. I’m still not sure why she took the girls out. Was it just a fun outing, or was it to help them get a better class of john? Either way she should express regret that they weren’t able to [whatever] and give wad of cash to senior girl/give each girl cash/put a wad of cash on the table/tell them she’ll pay them later/whatever.
        18. I thought she was going on the lam by putting on wig and glasses. By showing her coming back and taking off her wig and glasses you are making clear she is preparing a secret stash but is otherwise continuing as normal.
        21. Why and how Barry takes the computer tells us quite a bit. I’m assuming there is a payoff later, otherwise you wouldn’t mention the computer. Does he take it because his boss told him to, or because he knows something about it, or just to spite her? Does he make a snarky comment to her, or do it apologetically, or completely ignore what she says and pick it up?

        • The Old Man

          I appreciate your help, M.
          17. I didn’t think the little detail of Sammy paying the bill and giving the girls cab fare was important. I’ll think on it.
          18. I agree with you here. The fact that she took off the wig and glasses would show that she’s not planning to run. But she knows she could be thrown out of her house tomorrow, so she took the money. It’s all she has.
          21. Barry told Sammy that his boss, Michael, wants the computer in case there is something on it that shouldn’t be. I only included that little bit to give a sense of Sammy’s background – 1 year of high school. She has very few choices of other careers unless she gets an education. That comes into play… later.

  • Omoizele Okoawo

    Finished Club Lavender. Seems kind of unfair to put an hour pilot in the same contest as complete movies. Really Carson should have these in two separate contests.

    1. Why was Lester risking his life to take pictures of men in a room wearing masks? Unless the masks just covers the eyes and you can tell who the person is? If the masks don’t cover the entire gave then you need to give a reason why seeing as how in 1962 being queer was political suicide. Also why does James later just shoveling Syd all kinds of blackmail material like “yah we got judges and all kinds of powerful gays in here?”

    2. Not sure if this was a typo but James gives Syd’s manager 5k just to talk to her? According to the internet in 1962 5k was worth 40,000 in 2017 money so that didn’t make much sense to me.

    3. As often as transgender people are beaten to death when people realize they are transgender now, I have to imagine that it was worse then. I know you need Syd to get caught by Pete’s men but the way she was caught felt too easy. It felt like you had to dumb her down in order to get her where you wanted her.

    4. Phil has clearly stolen mad money from Syd. All James had to do was offer her the money plus a safe place to sing were people would know who she was and wouldn’t try to kill her and he could have sold her on it. Having the father who abused her and pimped her out as a child be a part of the organization was too coincidental for me to accept.

    5. Necki not making sure that the guy cop he’d just tried to kill was actually dead byeither bashing his brains in with a rock or shooting him with his own gun was too coincidental for me.

    6. From reading the logline I thought that maybe this would be like Mad Men in that I wasn’t interested in a show about an old time ad agency but they pulled me in. Who knew hearing ad men pitching ad campaigns could be so poetic and that the show would hit on so many broad cultural points? Unfortunately Club Lavender didn’t do that for me. Which isn’t to say that it won’t do it in the future but I can only judge by what I’m reading here not what I hope to see later.

    So I’m not voting for this, it just feels too thin for a series, but your writing is clean and I wasn’t lost while reading so I hope you keep at it.

    • Sly

      Hey, thanks for reading. Appreciate the questions you raised. As for the coincidences, a lot of it is pulled from a true life story. Admittedly something like this wouldnt be for everyone. I would say though this is the first comment that says it’s too thin for a series while others say it’s too convoluted. I’m glad you were at least able to follow the plot and don’t bail.

      • Omoizele Okoawo

        When I say too thin for a series I’m basically comparing it to Mad Men and the number of places they showed they could go to and would be returning to in the pilot. They had the dynamic of women entering the work environment, they had the ad pitches and corporate politics within the company, and at the very end after seeing Don talk to his girlfriend and flirt with a client we follow Don Draper home and realize that he has a wife and kids we haven’t even met before.

        When I say repeatable dramatic dynamic I mean the main thing people will be showing up to see i.e. every week if you watched MacGyver you new he was going to fuck up some bad guys day with some chicken wire, a toothpick, and a rubber hose, if you watched Star Trek you knew the crew was going to meet some aliens who’d either try and mess with them and/or present them with a moral quandary, if you watch Elementary you know Sherlock and Watson will solve a crime. Whatever else your pilot does it has to show that rdd.

        In the Mad Men pilot we are shown a whopping four highly repeatable dramatic dynamics, one of which is a big oh shit secret reveal. When I say your pilot is thin I’m saying that you really haven’t shown me the repeatable dramatic dynamic that will be your shows engine. The drama you have shown is not easily repeatable. By that I mean we had years of Don working on and pitching ads, years of exposing what it was like to be a woman in those days and how it evolved, years of watching Don in fucked up relationships, years of company politics, and all of that was clearly shown in the pilot.

        Because your pilot is so thin of rdd your forced to give up major secrets to keep our interest like Syd’s abusive dad being a member of Lavender. That’s some season ending cliffhanger info or the fact that the cop Necki killed is alive.

        • Sly

          This pilot isn’t written as a dynamic of the week sorta show. It’s more in line with the Netflix drama originals. I would say the dynamic you’re looking for is the fact that Sydney will inevitably discover what Lester did, that there are police officers within the gay secret society along with politicians and other powerful men. This coupled with the undertone of the Red scare era as well as Sydney transitioning through out the show serves as ample enough foundation for a show or a miniseries at least.

          • Omoizele Okoawo

            I think that when people told you that your story felt convoluted to them, it was because not only do you give out a lot of information, you do it in a way that ends up decreasing tension and curiosity. Often how you reveal information is more important than the information itself. In Mad Men, the way they showed Don’s interaction with his girlfriend in the beginning of the show and his flirtations with the client in the middle of the show made the reveal that he was married to a completely different woman altogether with a seven and a ten year old child at the end incredibly impactful. The how is the set up, the reveal is the payoff.

            Showing Lester clearly as a transgender person working for the feds spying on people with masks while the head of the FBI talks on the television about secret organizations working against America drains all the suspense out of it. Secrets slowly revealed are more interesting than facts merely displayed.

            Better to open with a barefoot Lester running down the street with no hint that she is transgender at all. Show her ditching the camera and the film, show the cops punching her in the face and boot stomping her before she can say she’s a fed agent. They take her to Big Wally and when they leave the dude in weird scary masque gets out of the car. Lester’s wig slips off as she lays dying on the ground and this is the first time the audience realizes that she is transgender. In this way you’ve given the reader less facts while building up the questions. What was on the film Lester tossed? Who was Lester spying on? What’s with the guy in the freaky mask holding Lester with tenderness as she dies?
            The next scene is Syd singing in Phil’s club? Change it to a straight dive bar. Syd is a great singer who should be working in a better place except Phil has a hold on her. James shows up and offers her a spot at Club Lavender. Syd refuses out of fear of Phil blackmailing her. Don’t reveal that Syd is a transgender person until the confrontation in the alley. James rescues her. Little Pete reveals to James Syd’s secret but James reveals that he already knows and takes her to Club Lavender. She’s never seen a place like this before, queer people being freer than she’s ever laid eyes on. Say that there are several other drag queens who perform there and that he offers he the slot on the slowest night to start out. I’ve never really watched RuPaul’s Drag Race but it seems to take a lot of work and effort for them to do what they do. don’t know anything about what it was like to be a star in the queer club circuit back then but maybe Syd’s rise as she struggles to learn to be a better performer at the club could be a rdd you could use.
            Bottom line: don’t give out any information unless it’s done in a set up/payoff format. It’ll slow down the info your audience gets and the pivots and reveals might make it feel less convoluted.
            Also maybe one of the

  • Poe_Serling

    As I mentioned in my Lovecraft vs. the Flying Saucers
    comment in this same thread, I think your project could
    easily garner some positive attention just based on the
    unique combo/twist on the two very different subgenres
    of cosmic horror and college comedy antics.

  • Citizen M

    Good notes.

  • Justin

    The Seventh Rule

    Contained thrillers are one of my favorite genres — especially psychological thrillers. Compelling WYSR too.

    Right away, I loved the writing. Easy to read, not overly descriptive, and no chunks of block texts.

    The first couple pages were decent, but page 3 is where I was drawn into the script. My only gripe about the scene is that I wish it was longer. Of course, I understand why it was so brief, but when it comes to kidnapped/thriller scripts, I’m selfish that way.

    In the writer’s WYSR, he/they mentioned that they took a risk with no dialogue until page 5. But I think the risk here is the lack of anything happening until Gerry gets home. I was forcing myself to read on for the first 4 pages. I would seriously suggest bumping page 5 up to page 3, if possible.

    A script with a possible kidnapper using his amnesia as a sort of game? That’s brilliant. I don’t know if it’s ever been done before, but this seems like a high-concept thriller that people would flock to see if done right.

    Another problem I came across is the fact that while Gerry and his daughter’s relationship was established, he never felt like a father desperate to save his daughter. Gerry is a drinker and smoker — a drunk — and that’s about it. And he’s been in jail, which we only know from the writer telling us. But because of his history, it doesn’t make me want to be on his side. I’m rooting for him to save his daughter, of course, but as a human being, I don’t give two shits about him.

    But overall, I like the script. I stopped around page 17. I would recommend a better title though — “The Seventh Rule” reminded me of “Seventh Son,” the trailer which I found to be a complete shitfest.

    100 Proof

    Despite having no idea what a “Lovecraftian” is, I really enjoyed this script. I stopped on page 11, but it was a solid read.

    Honestly, I don’t have much notes for this because there wasn’t too much going on. It showed the workings of a frat (I guess?), but no… plot? This was a problem that I had with my own script that I got some notes on, where it showed things, but nothing every really happened.

    I could be wrong about this script, though. Maybe I didn’t read far enough.

    Club Lavender

    Wow. This was definitely the most well-written out of the bunch. Not a wasted moment in the 10+ pages I read. And Lester’s death? I found myself holding my breath during the entire scene. I imagined a crueler death for transgenders, considering the time this takes place in, but well done nonetheless.

    Dialogue was great. The scene between Sydney and James — then tying Club Lavender and Lester into it? Awesome.

    I’m short on time so I can’t read the whole script, but consider me a fan. I couldn’t find a thing wrong with it. I seriously love this script. This is a rare read, and I really hope Carson gives this an “impressive”, because it deserves it.

    A Good Death

    I remember the logline. Good to see it’s been refined a bit.

    The opening pages were great… then we got to the spinning leg-kick. It seems a bit extreme, no?

    Another thing is that I don’t really believe Samantha’s character. She isn’t convincing as a person. Just seems like a hopeful John Wick spin on Pretty Woman.

    I stopped on page 12. I think when Carson mentioned “Female John Wick” at the top, I was expecting something more refined and gritty with less jokes. It honestly didn’t do anything for me. I wasn’t bored, but nothing grabbed me, either.

    ——

    My Vote: Club Lavender.

    • Zack

      re: 7th rule. thanks for the kind words and notes! much appreciated. as it’s a genre you like, i hope you get a chance to finish it some time in the next few months. i’d love to hear what you think. there’s more to gerry than meets the ye… and more to the strange man as well. thanks again!

    • Sly

      Thanks for the vote. As for Lester’s death, that is expanded upon as the episode progresses and might cancel out your reservations as to how “uncruel” his death was.

  • Overlord

    You speak for ALL millennials? Wow, the hubris. And millennials has 2 Ns.

  • klmn

    Sent.

  • Adam McCulloch

    I tend to think embedding your comps in the logline is a little lazy and the result is the the writer thinks they have summed up their screenplay and don’t feel they need to articulate their own story. I kind of think you should be able to write a logline without resorting to comps. Sure, add them later but don’t build your logline around them to start with. Others might disagree.

  • The Old Man

    Thanks for the read, Dustin. I appreciate it. Good to hear you enjoyed it.

  • sen9am

    Thanks to all the writers for providing their scripts and putting themselves out there. As long as I was kept interested I kept reading. These are a collection of nebulous thoughts as opposed to thorough analysis. Any of the following criticisms are merely meant to be constructive and helpful:

    Siege Perilous

    Read up to page 40. While the premise could prove interesting, I found myself alienated from the characters and the mystery failed to hook me as it was being constructed.
    The main protagonists suffered from being interchangeable, apart from Valentino who seems as though he’ll be a great character and it’s a shame the story didn’t do enough to keep me reading because I would have enjoyed getting to know him better.
    Just a small token of advice to potentially improve one of the earlier scenes: Have the audience be aware that Theodore poisons the drinks. The dramatic irony will intensify the scene and Daniel will appear even more brilliant for sussing it out. At the moment it’s a sort of bolt from the blue.

    The Seventh Rule

    Read up to page 33. I think the only exception for ‘tell don’t show’ descriptive lines is when it comes to initial characterisation. They’re handy because we instantly want to establish that character’s essence in our reader’s mind. Of course, if you can covey that early on through action then even better but it’s convenient to provide our reader with a quick image and then proceed to visual. I mention this because it’s a pet peeve when I read it being done for any other purpose. On the first page or so of this script we’re told that a sunny suburban street has ‘that deceptive layer that covers the horrors beneath.’ I’m not sure why this sense of deception couldn’t be conveyed visually as it is brilliantly executed in the classic opening scene to Blue Velvet.
    Though perhaps echoing the general gist behind Saw, I really did like the premise to this. I think having the Man knock on Gerry’s door and walk into the house was a misstep. It should have started with them both in the basement where the rules are being explained. That way the audience really wouldn’t know which of them to trust. I like the strong GSU at work here but beyond fundamental human empathy I’m straining to care for any of these people…

    100 proof

    Read the entire script. A very competent screenplay which I did enjoy. A solid experience but not something that blew my hair back.
    I loved the analogy of a fraternity being a immoral, illicit cult – but hey, what can you do? These guys pay our way.
    I can’t say I’m vastly experienced with the horror-comedy genre but I felt this struck a nice tonal balance. This being said, while I felt the horror aspect surpassed expectations (great Lovecraftian references), the comedy could have been strengthened. This was a script of mild smiles as opposed to full belly laughs. The kiss-off lines are cringeworthy but maybe that’s part of the fun? I’m aware it’s a very subjective matter. Congrats on making me stay until the end.

    Club Lavender

    Phew. Read the entire script and boy did it blow my hair back. Absolutely enthralled with this one.
    It possesses a cinematic visual sensibility and proved a real page turner. Sydney/ Sam is a great character. I loved her gumption.
    Only criticism is the dialogue is sometimes over-cooked and there are a few too many coincidences.
    This one’s got legs and I’d pay to see it run.

    A Good Death

    Read up to page 20. The dialogue was a weakness here and after reading the inauthentic reaction to her boyfriend’s death I walked away. If I had more time I hope this would improve as the pages went on.

    My vote goes to Club Lavendar

    • Zack

      re: 7th rule, thanks for reading as much as you did and for the feedback. much appreciated!

  • HRV

    Didn’t have a lot of extra time, but was able to read the first 12 to 15 of each and noted any errors.
    Siege Perilous: pg 4, Scowls around the room?; pg 8, on a her shirt.
    Club Lavender: pg 11, Abby?
    None stood out where I could definitely say: Yeah, this one, but all deserve a further read to see where they go. If we’re basing our choice on what is the most unusual, then it would have to be Club Lavender. Congrats to all who made it this week.

    • Scott Crawford

      I think unusual is a perfectly valid reason for choosing a script, wouldn’t you? Looking for unique voices, that’s what Carson said.

      • HRV

        That’s the main reason I imagine Meat was chosen.

  • PQOTD

    Very slow to start reading and chiming in this weekend. Started with ‘100 Proof’. The writing’s visual and easy to imagine what we’re seeing, but sorry, Cody, inebriated, hormone-obsessed teens who seem ‘way too immature to be taking on a tertiary education really aren’t my thing. I bailed on page 4 with the whiny teen complaining that his dick’s still dry. I’m sure it’ll be someone’s thing though.

    • Scott Crawford

      It pretty much goes on like that for ten pages.

      Writer Karen Gist said of her days working on sitcoms that each scene was “What’s the point? What’s the funny? Move on.”

      Not only do these scenes (often) have no point, and aren’t really funny, but whatever point or funny they want to make they’ve already made.

      So the first scene is people partying and getting drunk. And the next scene. And the next scene.

      It would be like having the scene from POLICE ACADEMY where Mahoney does a wheelie in the parking lot with a man’s car and then getting arrested… but instead of moving on to him being sent to Police Academy, he just does more and more of the same.

      Once you’ve made the point that this guy is a pledge, move on to the next plot point. You should have enough plot points that you can movie to the next one.

      Scott. Out. Tired.

      • PQOTD

        I’m glad it wasn’t just me then. :)

        Sweet dreams, Scott.

  • PQOTD

    ‘A Good Death’. Read to page 26. It’s competently written, but it feels a lot like so many other stereotypical prostitute movies, with or without the gangster element.

    Also I wasn’t sure what the point of Samantha taking three prostitutes out to lunch was when one of them isn’t even introduced and doesn’t speak. It’s not like they needed safety in numbers. Why not just stick to two friends? Odd choice.

    A slightly OT grumble: of all the occupations women pursue, what the hell is it with prostitutes that they garner so much attention in movies? Seems to me it says a lot more about the psychological priorities of (straight male) writers than their need to create memorable female protagonists.

    If Robert had flipped this flogging-a-dead-horse genre on its head and featured a female gangster and a male prostitute, now, that would’ve said something new and potentially much, much more interesting.

    • The Old Man

      A female gangster and a male prostitute? Seriously? You can write that one.

      Not for you. Understood.

      • PQOTD

        My point was not to take a shot at you, Old Man, but I get a bit tired of reading scripts where women’s physical attributes are more important than their characters.

        Samantha’s introduced by her looks and her expensive handbag, and there’s not a word about her character. The sleazy perve who’s drooling over her gets “succesful businessman. Impeccably dressed and groomed.” Yeah, but he’s still a sleazebag.

        Why not put Johnny in that situation when first we meet him? You described him as “handsome with a hard edge, muscular.”

        Have someone’s “eyes move up and down” over his “[a]thletic body, flawless face”, overtly assessing how fuckable he is (your script, page 1).

        Now, I bet the thought of that is making you as uncomfortable as the thought of a female gangster and a male prostitute did.

        And that’s why I get tired of it.

        • BMCHB

          Well said. I only agree with half of it but…

          • BMCHB

            *U used “Irks”. Why????

          • PQOTD

            I edited it out. Wasn’t quite the right word, and I didn’t want Old Man to feel like I was attacking him personally.

            It was his script’s bad luck that I opened it straight after trying to get into the frat boy script, and on seeing the description of Samantha, my first thought was “Oh, ffs, here we go again…”

            Old Man’s script wasn’t that, but he almost lost me on the very first paragraph. I really did try to give it a fair go.

          • PQOTD

            I only agree with half of it, too.

            I actually wouldn’t care for it at all if Johnny had been objectified, either, but the example was appropriate for the point I was trying to make. Seen it all before.

            I haven’t checked where the votes are since yesterday, but at just a rough guess, ‘Club Lavender’ may win this AOW purely because the writer’s giving us something we haven’t seen before.

            Carson’s written on that, too – about flipping genre expectations on their heads.

            I mean, we’ve seen FBI investigations aplenty, and Communist sympathizer hunts were stock narratives during the Cold War, but when was the last time we saw a script that included both and was set in a gay bar? That’s brave, and new, so the writer gets kudos from me just for trying it.

          • BMCHB

            I await… patiently… for the day that I’ll be objectified.

          • PQOTD

            Then, my friend, I wish you well. ;)

          • BMCHB

            The writing is good – over-boiled, but,,- and I’m here reading and thinking…

    • Adam McCulloch

      Word!

  • AstralAmerican

    My vote: SIEGE PERILOUS

    As a father of two small children and another on the way… Only read the first page of all the others, and while LAVENDER had the best page 1 in my opinion, the subject matter — and protagonist especially — are light years away from my interests.

    Read SIEGE PERILOUS up to page 35 and hope to continue. I am thoroughly enjoying all the mysteries at play and the writing is snappy, smooth and easy with fun characters/dialogue. Better suited for a Netflix, Amazon or Hulu series vs. feature as the pace is glacial for its genre so the concept can be allowed to breathe.

    AND as a fan of such films as 2001, 2010, SPHERE, THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN, ALTERED STATES, CONTACT, SOLARIS (the newer version), ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MARS and numerous other sci-fi works thought-provoking or campy, I can see the wifey and I binge watching a SIEGE PERILOUS series!

    Lastly, while I do agree w/ Citizen M’s critique of the script, I think what was posed can be fairly easy fixes and hope the writer does pursue this project until the wheels fall off…

    Way past bed time here in NorCal!

    • Poe_Serling

      I like your eclectic list of sci-fi films.

      ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MARS

      An early example of Hollywood taking a classic novel and giving
      it a different spin.

      Director Haskin has some other notable and worth checking
      out pics on his resume: The War of the Words, The Naked
      Jungle, and Treasure Island.

      And on TV: the guy in the director’s chair behind the famous
      episode of “Demon with a Glass Hand” on the original Outer
      Limits series.

  • Omoizele Okoawo

    Got around to reading 100 Proof.

    I think horror and comedy together can be a tough mix to get right. Fright Night, Ghostbusters, House, Gremlins, Zombieland, Shaun Of The Dead, The Cabin In The Woods, Beetlejuice, The Lost Boys, Army of Darkness are all successful horror comedies.

    When I had no intention of voting this weekend I read the loglines and based on that alone I would have voted for 100 Proof. In my head I hoped maybe it would look something like Revenge of The Nerds where some guy fails out of pledging a high level fraternity and joins a nerdy fraternity before realizing that their sole purpose is to expose the high level fraternity as the Elder God worshipping cult that it is.

    At page 25 I was getting bored. Nothing comedic had happened nor had any jarring imagery or jump scares occurred. I read until 37. Random homeless guy tries to kill Toby, Colonel Sanders in the white suit kills the homeless guy later, not interesting. So I skipped to the end.

    I didn’t find anything funny or scary.

    You need, at least, one laugh per page in order for a script with the word comedy attached to be taken seriously. The card trick, the girl punching him in the stomach till he pukes, the red blotches on his face from burst blood vessels and the concealer, neither scary or funny. You need to read the scripts I mentioned above and count how many jokes per page each on has. Also look to see which ones take longer than 20 pages to get to either a scare or a joke.

    Not getting my vote.

  • brick.media.312

    A Good Death is bad. Like, BAD bad. It’s got some of the worse dialogue I’ve read in any scripts here. There is no flow to the story, the characters are one dimensional and the writing is flat and tired. The only reason kept reading was because I hoped it would improve, even just a little. It didn’t.

    • Jack madden

      Thing is, it’s amateur weekend. You’re not critiquing a professional (a person who knows fully what they are doing) so the whole purpose is to help a brother out.

    • The Old Man

      Thanks for taking a look at it. I appreciate it.

    • Sly

      This is one of the most unhelpful comments on here. I hate shit like this.

  • Erica

    Finally had a chance to actually read the first few pages of the scripts. All the scripts this week are well written.

    I really don’t think that a TV script should be going up against feature scripts. They are two different things. Maybe there just isn’t enough TV submission for Carson to have a weekend dedicated to TV scripts, I don’t know.

    I did like most of the loglines this week except Siege Perilous. It started out great but then the end felt flat. Like other pointed out. It like was almost confusing to me, a space observatory that has secretly recorded radio signals? Isn’t that what they do, record signals from space? I mean if they found something usually they would be excited to share. I’m sure there is a reason why they would be looking for signals and hiding the results. I guess that’s part of the mystery. That being said, I did enjoy the opening pages.

    100 proof, while well written, just didn’t do anything for me. I think it really needs a better opening then the generic, over done party scene.

    The Seventh Rule, based on the logline, the protag seems like a bad person, so for me it one of those movie’s I’m not sure I can get into. My first thought was Dextor, but Dextor made it clear he was killing bad people so it gave me something to attach to. Walter White was trying to help his family. Here, it seems like the protag is experiencing a bit of karma, when suddenly he has to work with someone he kidnapped to save his own daughter who was kidnapped. I just wasn’t sure how I can root for him. Still, like all this week are well written.

    I remember reading Club Lavender before and thought it was well done and would probably be something I would give a shot at watching if on TV. The only reason I’m not picking it, is I would rather see a feature script up for review because I believe TV and Features are too different to compare.

    My pick is a split this week. I’m going for Siege Perilous and A Good Death.

    A Good Death, I did enjoy the opening of the script. I think this one has the best logline that drew me into the story right away. I liked the fact that we have a female John Wick character that was not written in the way you would expect that character to be written.

    • Zack

      hi erica, re: 7th rule, thanks for the thoughts. it was a tricky logline for us as we don’t want Gerry to be likeable for reasons that become clear in the script. but we also needed to try not to give too much away as there are various twists/reveals because though for much of the story he appears to be the protagonist it’s not so simple/clear cut by the end. thanks!

      • Jack madden

        Zack, “likeable” is one of the most understood phrases in the whole of screenwriting. Likeable means that an audience would like watching a character. That the character is entertaining in some way. you could have a character who is the biggest cunt in the world. but if people are entertained by him, then he is likeable. ‘likeable’ is such a bullshit word.

        • Zack

          true enough. a poor choice of words. we want the audience to feel torn about gerry — have sympathy for him due to his missing daughter but also have a strong dislike of him; we want the audience to be unsure of their feelings about gerry for the first 20ish pages (slightly dislike) then gradually dislike him more as the story unfolds and then fully hate him by the end. i feel like i’m giving away more than i should by saying that, but I want to be clear that i understand what you mean and also make it clear that we’re intentionally making a number of choices and walking a fine line that is ultimately serving the purposes of the script… not the easiest thing to do. hopefully that makes sense.

          • Jack madden

            like or dislike has nothing to do with it really. A reader or an audience wants to know who they are following or who is relevant to the story. Joe Pesci in Casino is hardly the guy you’d want to have a beer with, but fuck me, the character is entertaining. What is gerry? You know, he’s a bit boring, OK you say things are revealed at the end, but fuck me bro, I read nearly 70 pages, you can’t leave it that late, you know?

          • Zack

            true enough re: joe pesci. and we likely could do more with gerry. definitely not the first to note that, so something we’re going to have to revisit. and fully agree with the entertaining aspect. maybe there’s not enough there to fully entertain until the end. but i do think it’s possible to wait until the end for everyhting to ‘click’ together. 2 examples — The Usual Suspects and The Game. not saying this is on that level, more saying that sort of the idea behind what we were going for… build and sustain mystery and tension and then have an explosion… probably not as successful as we’d hope but that was the plan.

          • Jack madden

            Absolutely. Completely agree with your points 100%. That’s the thing with this forum I don’t see enough people sticking up for their POV or script. People somehow see it as being sour grapes or defensive to tell another they disagree. Can I ask you a couple of questions Zack, out of interest? How did the script come about working with another and how did you get over disagreements etc?

          • Zack

            thanks! no sour grapes here. appreciate the feedback and exchange if ideas. happy to answer your questions — and will do so later. unfortunately i have to go and be domestic and run some errands. to be continued.

          • Jack madden

            ha ha

          • Zack

            matt and i have been writing together for almost a decade now. my background is in english and writing and his is in anthropology but he’s a huge movie guy. usually we throw around a lot of ideas, try to hone in on the essence of an idea and then flesh it out and make a fairly solid outline. then we’ll often write different chunks, exchange, make suggestions and tweak and then bring it all together and go thru it together a few times, reading aloud and whatnot and make notes and chances…

            this one started as something i just sat done and started writing over a spring break (i was teaching english at the time) to see how much/how fast i could write, and it being a sort of puzzle and time-structured piece… it was also an attempt at writing something somewhat contained that we might try to film ourselves one day…

            as for disagreements — usually whoever makes the best argument for something ‘wins’, and if not, then whichever of us we agree is the main ‘author’ of a particular script gets the last word… if i come up with most of an idea and do most of the outlining, i will claim ‘ownership’ on tiebreakers, and vice-versa… though we also just started working with his brother, so now we’re 3, so i imagine moving forward it will be a democracy rules sort of thing…

            hope that gets at some of what you wanted to know. if want to know more, just ask. thanks!

          • Jack madden

            thanks for that Zack, great stuff mate.

          • Erica

            Never be afraid to reveal the ending in this kind of a forum or discussion. Remember we are not the movie going audience. This discussion is not for audience, it’s for the writer (s). I do get the hesitance as you want your reader to experience it (I wish the same with my stories), but if people aren’t getting past a certain point then the mystery or reveal is pointless anyways.

            I think the one thing to consider with your script is who it’s written for (http://scriptshadow.net/how-to-navigate-the-six-audiences-a-screenwriter-must-write-for/#disqus_thread)

            There is a audience for most stories but some are better at making money then others. For me, If I watched a movie who I thought the protag was bad at the beginning and then at the end he was even worse, I most likely wouldn’t like the movie. As Jack was saying, there needs to be something to connect us to this character. American Psycho is a bad character who in the end I’m not going to like, but I still enjoyed the movie. That’s because the character was interesting. Another movie to look at is The Voices. Not sure if I’m making sense where I’m going but hopefully you can get something out of my rambling.

          • Jack madden

            What’s Jack Nicholson’s character in AS GOOD AS IT GETS, Melvin or Mervin, whatever, that guy is a pain in the arse. A disgusting, rude obnoxious, self centred twat, but fuck me, we love every second he is on the screen. I think the definition of a bad protagonist should be one where the audience are indifferent.

          • Erica

            Yes, that’s another good example of a ‘bad’ character (Melvin). There still has to be something to hold us, to keep us watching or reading. Not an easy task going for a story with a ‘bad’ character, it can work really well if done right.

          • Jack madden

            I agree Erica. One of the greatest characters of all time is Ebenezer Scrooge. What makes him so great is how loathsome he is. I think either side of one polarity is what make a character interesting, therefore, entertaining.

          • Zack

            hi erica, not so much an ‘afraid’ thing as much as a trying to be respectful of people and not wanting to tell them things they may not want to know. i don’t want to assume you want to know more and potentially ruin a reading experience.

            gerry has the potential to be redeemed to an extent, so it’s his story in the sense of we’re following to see what choices he makes; but by the end it’s potentially easier to read it as The Man being the protag and Gerry being the antagonist. we play a lot with the expectation of roles, what they mean, and how to subvert/twist those roles. the idea of antagonists being the heroes of their stories kind of thing.
            so, at the end, the hope is that you like/understand The Man (and the boy and the cop and samantha, who are all working together) and dislike Gerry and are happy with what happens to him but also don’t feel betrayed or misled by the events that have come before where you might have started out a little bit sympathetic for Gerry.

          • Erica

            Okay, I get that spoilers part.

            I will read more of your script when I get the chance. Other than being confused about who I’m routing for, I did forget to mention, I liked the irony of the logline that you have.

          • Zack

            thanks!

    • Sly

      So I’m going to preface my response by saying I respect your votes and the reasons you voted. I just disagree that having pilots in the mix automatically disqualifies it from being reviewed. At the end of the day, Carson put it in contention with other scripts knowingly so I would assume he had every intention of reviewing it should it get picked. We as peers are supposed to select the best scripts , after all, my pilot is 69 pages while MEAT was 72 pages and that was a feature. Having said that, I appreciate that you at least read a couple of pages. Thank you for that.

      • Erica

        I did think Meat was a little too short as well and was weird as in, nothing really hooked me, it was a slow.

        As I said I think Club Lavender would make a really good serious and would be something I’d try watching. This is not the first time a TV script made the weekend but I really think it would be cool to have a AOW TV weekend edition.

        I feel it’s more of a disadvantage for you, the TV writer going against feature scripts as the character arks can be so much more difficult. As pointed out in the discussion with having to explain how this would last a season or the why, you can only include so much in the pilot, but yours does a great job at the hook and pulling me into that world, making the concept believable.

        • Sly

          I honestly don’t think that at all. The point of pilots is not necessarily to provide Character archs but to set up the story and the world for the rest of the series. If a pilot offers an entertaining look into the world the writer created AND makes you want to read more, I’d say the job is done right there.

          • Erica

            That’s what I mean, a pilot may not have the character archs that a feature would have. Yes, it’s main job is to set up the world it takes place in. I think that’s why Walking Dead pilot is so effect in achieving that while at the same time hooking you. Breaking Bad does this as well. I didn’t feel the same for Game of Thrones as I watched the pilot and stopped after that.

          • Sly

            Fair enough. I misunderstood you. Carry on .

    • The Old Man

      Thanks, Erica. I’ll take 1/2 a vote. :)

  • Omoizele Okoawo

    Honestly I’ve never really cared about the government keeping alien’s a secret. Odds are is because the aliens are spiteful assholes who anal probe anyone who looks at them funny.
    Siege Perilous. I’m not sure why the guy who was poisoning his wife went out of his way to blamed it on alien abduction but I liked the part where the main character talked about why he left the F.B.I. that was a nice specific detail. That was the moment I started liking your guy.
    At this point I felt that there was a strong possibility that I’d be giving this my vote except that the script slowly descended into incoherence after that.
    Page 43 mongoloid looking woman? Are you trying to say they look Asian or that they have Down’s Syndrome? Either one is offensive. I’d get rid of that.
    Page 49 weren’t they just fucking a couple pages back? So what’s the purpose of the awkward scene unless it’s to highlight the weird scars on his back?
    Just when I was about to get bored p62 happened with Valentonio revealed as evil.
    Page 65 These technical names are useless. Most people won’t know what you’re referring to plus since no one is saying modified Alcubierre drive unless you put the word on the screen it’s not in the movie. Better off to describe some really weird machine chained to the ground because otherwise it would clearly float away. Plus Josh technobabbles later on about it anyway.
    Page 85 Don’t know why this scene with main character’s dad is here.
    Page 97 through 99 is a big exposition dumping mess. Also I’m really wondering why they didn’t just shoot him and Caitlyn and bury them in the desert or transport their bodies into the sun.
    I think your biggest problem is that you don’t know enough about the goals of your evil organization. You said that they existed to transport aliens around the galaxy soooo they’re like Jetblue? That doesn’t explain why they are killing people. If they were preparing to invade earth or take all our water or something, I’d see why they were killing people to keep their secret hidden, but if they’re just transporting people around then why not just let the government know what they’re doing? Why are the aliens here? Do they like our weather, our women, are their worlds overcrowded, Texas steak, what? What was the point of Daniel’s mom breaking the rule and having a kid? Does she hate condoms?

    I thought when you described Daniel’s scars it was because it would turn out he was an abductee, turns out he’s half alien which gives him no powers and massive skin problems?

    Also why is Daniel’s alien aunt or gramdmother just conveniently waiting for him at the other end of the portal with a picture of his mom and dad?

    You need to outline this story again from page 17 and forward. As this is right now it doean’t make sense to me. Not getting my vote.

    • Omoizele Okoawo

      Accidentally erased my 7th Rule critique. Felt too much like Saw with less tension and the ending where all the children are living underground was weird.

    • PQOTD

      I’ve never understood why aliens would feel the need to obsessively probe anuses (ani?).

      Unless they misinterpreted the expression ‘shit for brains’.

      • Citizen M

        Maybe the universe is gay.

  • Omoizele Okoawo

    A Good Death gets my vote.

    • The Old Man

      Thanks! Sorry I messed up your weekend. (not really)

  • Poe_Serling

    As I was checking out a few of the other comments this weekend…

    I must say I was impressed by the amount of solid feedback from
    so many of the good folks in the ScriptShadow community.

    A couple of factors in this surge of helpful responses (at least from
    my perspective):

    1) the extra day to read over all of the above projects.

    2) Carson’s high praise for last week’s AF winner no doubt sparked
    more than the usual interest in this batch of scripts.

    No matter the reason… it’s a real boon for all the featured writers.

    • Scott Crawford

      All five scripts showed interesting ideas and some good writing. Honestly one of the better weekends.

      But storytelling and especially pace still SLACK. Cut unnecessary scenes.

  • Levres de Sang

    My Vote: 100 PROOF

    An interesting set of scripts and some brief notes…

    100 PROOF: An effortless read. There’s also a visual flow and dialogue feels assured. It’s not necessarily something I’d watch, but I’d hire Cody as a writer!

    Both SIEGE PERILOUS and THE SEVENTH RULE seem well written, if perhaps a little dense. They could also use more memorable titles. Either script would make for a good AF, though.

    A GOOD DEATH: Robert should try to make scenes more cinematic. It will go a long way towards eradicating the dialogue’s on-the-nose tendencies.

    CLUB LAVENDER: The writing feels like it’s trying too hard and accounts for some of the script’s tonal missteps. Indeed, its register feels contemporary rather than 1960s — and a line like “BURLESQUE meets EYES WIDE SHUT” doesn’t help. It’s also one of those scripts where everyone is really angry all the time. Another element that made it feel more contemporary.

    • Sly

      > It’s also one of those scripts where everyone is really angry all the time. Another element that made it feel more contemporary.

      I don’t know what this means tbh. But I appreciate the read.

      • Scott Crawford

        I think I know what it means but I don’t think it applies to this script. The dialogue is pretty good (I’ve read worse in pro scripts) but maybe some scenes go on a bit (though I’ve seen THAT in pro scripts too).

        Anyway, congrats on winning the weekend (I sleep now) and hopefully look forward to seeing the review on Friday.

      • Levres de Sang

        Well, it’s more my own feeling that so many scripts these days are populated with characters aggressively f-bombing their way through the narrative. It may be an unfair estimation of your script because I know you’re shooting for something a bit different… but here’s the thing: I love stuff from the 60s, yet in all honesty I didn’t get a 60s vibe from what I read of your script.

        I’m sure you’ll get the AF slot, though, so I’ll try and read more then.

    • Zack

      re: 7th rule, thanks!

  • Jack madden

    I VOTE: THE SEVENTH RULE. Interesting story.

    • Zack

      thanks so much!

  • creakycranky

    My vote goes for 7th Rule. Initially I was off put by the abusive father part of the logline, but also intrigued with how the writer would make that work. The script, though definitely flawed, kept me interested enough that I finished it.