amateur offerings weekend

This is your chance to discuss the week’s amateur scripts, offered originally in the Scriptshadow newsletter. The primary goal for this discussion is to find out which script(s) is the best candidate for a future Amateur Friday review. The secondary goal is to keep things positive in the comments with constructive criticism.

Below are the scripts up for review, along with the download links. Want to receive the scripts early? Head over to the Contact page, e-mail us, and “Opt In” to the newsletter.

Happy reading!

TITLE: Murderer’s Creek
GENRE: Western Psychological Thriller
LOGLINE: When brutalized bodies begin to turn up in their homes, an unassuming sheriff must work with his brilliant-but-outspoken daughter to find and bring the serial killer to justice before the town they mean to protect tears itself apart in fear.

TITLE: Where Angels Die
GENRE: Crime Drama
LOGLINE: A suspended inner city social worker tries to protect a young girl and her mother from the girl’s father, a psychotic killer who’s just been released from prison.

TITLE: The Easy Way Out
GENRE: Film Noir Thriller
LOGLINE: To a young couple facing foreclosure, a bag stuffed with money sitting in an empty office is just too tempting to resist. But when the plan goes awry and they are forced to run for their lives, their relationship and survival skills are put to the supreme test.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “The Easy Way Out” was a second rounder at the 2011 Austin Film Festival Screenplay Competition (top 10% of 5800 entries). The writer has also had multiple scripts optioned, with one currently being pitched.

TITLE: World Peace Can Go Suck A Dick.pdf)
GENRE: Sci-fi Comedy
LOGLINE: After wishing for “all humankind to be peaceful people,” the only three people who know how to break the spell have to fight and destroy a group of wizards who have started trying to destroy Earth.

TITLE: The Jaguar’s Fang
LOGLINE: When contact with an expedition on the trail of a mythical treasure is mysteriously lost, a paratrooper, a gentleman thief, and an archeologist must join forces, or risk losing them forever to sinister forces bent on the same prize.
GENRE: Action/Adventure in the vein of Indiana Jones
WHY YOU SHOULD READ (from writer): It received a 8/10 paid review on the Black List, but more importantly it was your post promoting the Tracking Board Launch Pad screenwriting competition that got me to enter that competition. I ended up making the Top 25 semis, but I didn’t make the cut to the Top 10. I was hoping you might give my script a go and share some insight into how to make it into a script that would’ve cracked the Top 10.

  • John Moss

    My initial thoughts on reading these loglines: the one for ‘Where Angels Die’ is the best written. Clean. Simple. I get it. The title ‘World Peace Can Go Suck A Dick’ immediately caught my eye, but the wording of the logline is awkward. The premise not clear. I’m not sure what the demand for western psychological thrillers is. My guess? Non-existent. Still, the logline sounds intriguing so I think I’ll check that one out first.

    • John Moss

      Ha! ‘Murderer’s Creek’ starts off with a quote, sure to annoy readers of this site. Having said that, I’m cool with it. Seems relevant.

  • David Sarnecki

    The Jaguar’s Fang caught my attention, at least in subject matter. I’ll give it a go.

    • Mikko Tormala

      Hi David,
      I hope I managed to keep your attention once you started reading it. If you feel things are amiss with the script, I’d happily hear you comments about it.
      Thanks,
      Mikko Tormala

  • sweetvita

    Yay! I’ve been waiting for this. Read the first few pages of all of them. In so far that I’ve read, the writers of Murderer’s Creek, Where Angels Die and The Easy Way Out sucked me in. I’ll def be reading more pages. I’ll give The Jaguar’s Fang a few more pages too, see if it can hook me.

    A special shoutout to Alexander Felix, great job with the opening pages – bleak picture infused with emotion.

  • New_E

    Glad to see there’s more diversity in the selections – different genres. Gives more writers a chance! And comedy logline apart (for me), they all look interesting.

    E

  • Paul Clarke

    I managed to read the first 15 of all submissions. Can’t say that for any other week I’ve tried. A very high quality selection. A couple of them I only stopped reading so I could give the others a fair chance. Will read the winning selection in full. My observations:

    Murderers Creek:

    Read the first 15 pages. Well written (aside from the spelling mistake 3 lines in), the writer really sets the tone and mood with the descriptions and dialogue. Very nicely done.

    But I just wasn’t intrigued. Nothing was really interesting.Seen it all before. I think it could have something to do with the structure. The opening consists of a prologue about the daughter. Cut back to the father and the aftermath of a grisly crime. Then to another crime. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the crime then the aftermath? It just doesn’t flow as it is now. The girl is the focus, then she disappears for too long and there’s no connection to the scenes that follow. She’s never mentioned or hinted at. I would concentrate on the POV and flow for those opening scenes. Otherwise it all comes across as un-dramatic setup work for later on.

    Not to mention that none of the characters really stood out. Like the events, they seemed like those I’ve seen in similar movies. The daughter would be my choice, but I feel I only know her vaguely. I don’t understand exactly who she is. Her opening needed to really establish her character.

    Still the writing shows real potential.

    The Easy Way Out:

    I like these characters early on. He’s educated, but struggling to find work. I’m sure most people can empathize with that. And to make it worse, he has to sit and watch his lovely girlfriend work for a slime-ball. And that’s all setup in 3 pages. Well done. I understand their motivations already.

    Read through to page 15. Unfortunately the wonderful setup from the first 5 pages was just repeated over and over. We don’t see or learn anything new. Worse, by repeating what we already know it bores us. Don’t waste that valuable real estate. Move the money grab earlier.

    Also, doesn’t play out at all like the logline reads. The logline gave me the impression they stumbled across the money and took it. While they haven’t got that far yet, it seems like it’s their plan. Something they’ve gone out of their way to get. Given they even point out how dangerous it would be to steal from the mob, we lose empathy when they make such stupid decisions. I would rather they were in that terrible situation and just came
    across the money and took it. With no knowledge of whose it was. Then they story would be them spiraling out of control, deeper and deeper into trouble.

    The Jaguar’s Fang:

    Nice opening scene. Good action. Well described. But doesn’t have any real payoff. Nothing unexpected happens. The same scene could be picked from many similar movies. And it’s followed by the leaning in the shower in deep thought scene. Which pretty much tops most lists of clichéd scenes.

    Page 6: Not only is Riley’s dialogue on the nose exposition, but a man with a bad hangover is going to speak as little as possible. It should be all grunts and groans.

    If he’s retired why does he wear a uniform?

    The introduction of the gentlemen thief really changes the mood of the story. He adds a touch of humor in a silly fashion. But I like it. It screams Indiana Jones (not necessarily a bad thing), I’m just not sure how well that kind of humor will be received in today’s marketplace. But it works for me. Just enough mystery and intrigue (or mystery boxes if we still insist on using that stupid term).

    So far they are all well written, but this one has me wanting more. I’m stopping at page 15 to give the others the same chance.

    In the end the comparisons to Indiana Jones are going to show its shortcomings. One introduces a guy in a temple full of interesting booby traps. Something we haven’t really seen before (well most of us). The other is a war scene just like plenty of other movies. One is a wonderfully ironic swashbuckling archeologist, the other an alcoholic ex-soldier. I realize you want to open with action, but is that prologue really necessary? If it
    wasn’t there would the story be any different? It felt a lot like back story. If you can’t make it really interesting and worthwhile, then cut it out. Rather than just starting with a bang. Or if you keep it in maybe focus on his friend. Make us believe he’s the hero of the story. Show him wanting to begin the adventure. Then BOOM, he’s killed and Riley has to take over.

    Where Angels Die:

    Page 3: “…literally SCREAMS her lungs out…” That would make for an awfully grotesque shot.

    The kid whacking the coat with a stick is an awesome shot. A great and simple way to convey his feelings through action. Nicely done.

    Well written, but I’d cut back on the little unnecessary details. You tend to over-direct. So-and-so walks here, picks something up, turns, opens something, walks over there. Give us the broad strokes, our mind will naturally fill in the minor details.

    I don’t know if we need all the OCD habits, but the sleeping bag on the floor next to a perfectly good bed is a nice touch. Again, I feel I know all about this person without a word being spoken.

    Page 15: I like where this is going. Yet another well written example. This is going to be a tough week.

    World Peace Can Go Suck A Dick:

    Title page has a different title. Not really a professional start.

    Julia is in her 30’s, Bill his 40’s, but he’s her younger brother? Am I missing something here? Either way I’m very confused and taken out of the read. Also starting to doubt the writer’s effort.

    You can’t tell us he’s looking for his wand, and why would you want to? Keep the mystery up for at least the scene. Keeps our attention.

    Not bad, just not my sense of humor.

    I think the standard was very high this week. The two that stand out for me were The Jaguar’s Fang and Where Angels Die. Both of them did the most important thing anyone can do with their writing — they made me wonder what happens next. They made me curious enough to read on. I guess that’s what it’s all about. I did like the added humor of Jaguar’s Fang, but I’m going to lean towards Angels. I’d be happy for either to be selected.

    • John Moss

      I think Paul is right about how ‘Murderer’s Creek’ fails to flow with its initial pages.

  • JakeBarnes12

    “TITLE: World Peace Can Go Suck A Dick.pdf)
    GENRE: Sci-fi Comedy
    LOGLINE: After wishing for “all humankind to be peaceful people,” the only three people who know how to break the spell have to fight and destroy a group of wizards who have started trying to destroy Earth.”

    Seriously, Carson, is it something we said?

    • sweetvita

      lol

    • AJ

      It appears to be (and could be) very original. If the writer’s a genius and the script is amazing, we all would be thanking Carson. Of course, I have not read it yet so apologies later.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Every week is — confusing loglines week — here at SS.

  • NajlaAnn

    I like thrillers. My choice – The Easy Way Out

  • K.B. Houston

    I hate to be so critical, but I won’t read three of the five scripts here based solely on titles or loglines. They’re either cliche, unrealistic or have bad punctuation. (How do you expect me to take your movie seriously, even if it is a comedy, when the title has “dick” in it?) Sad thing is: I’m just a casual dude who likes scripts and movies. How do you think people in Hollywood, who actually have powe,r would react to reading some of these mini pitches?

    Appeal. Look it up in the dictionary people. If your pitch doesn’t have it, then it’s highly likely your script doesn’t either.

    • Mr. Bundy

      In the spirit of friendly conversation, I couldn’t disagree with you more. I’ve recently discovered this site (last 3 months) and am sometimes surprised by the cynicism of some of these comments. Regarding having “dick” in the title, there have been countless Black List scripts in recent years with “dick” and “fuck” in the title. And yes, while the purpose of a logline is to create interest, think of how many great movies have had uninspired loglines. A high school teen who gets pregnant decides to keep the baby (Juno). Nothing shocking there, but it went on to win best screenplay.

  • Alexander Felix

    Thanks for the vote Sly, especially since you’re normally averse to darker, grittier stuff.

  • Howie428

    I’ve put in my notes from going through these below, but my overall conclusion was UNDECIDED. Sorry that’s not helpful. I saw some good writing here, but none of these got me excited, although I’d believe it if someone told me that some of them get better as they go.

    Here are my notes:

    I’ve not got much time so I’m going to open each of these and see what I think of the openings:

    MURDERER’S CREEK

    I’m guessing that quote form Jack the Ripper is invented.

    Pg 5 – The opening is interesting and well written, but it’s also a bit of a head scratcher. The jumps in location and time make me wonder if those early scenes can be taken out since they likely belong to the backstory.

    Pg 12 – Having gone to all the trouble to establish Annie as the protag it seems like she’s been out of the story for quite a while. Interesting stuff is still happening, but I’m afraid I’m not yet hooked into any particular story, so I’m moving on.

    Where Angels Die

    Pg 3 – “literally SCREAMS her lungs out” – No, she doesn’t! Anyway, so far I’m finding this read a bit heavy going, but the drama is interesting.

    Pg 12 – This is heavy going in both the writing style and in the content. The drama is strong, but I’m not sure I’m compelled to read on.

    THE EASY WAY OUT

    Pg 2 – It’s an interesting variation on the FLASHFORWARD opening. For some reason it reminds me of the Breaking Bad pilot. The cut back to the sports bar is potentially confusing because it’s not clear if you mean for us to go back to the scene on page 1, or if this is a post relationship scene.

    Pg 6 – These set up scenes are okay, if a bit exposition driven.

    Pg 13 – Their bleak situation has been established and I see the beginnings of a path to crime for Blake. I guess I’ve not yet seen anything that gets me excited, so I’m going on to the next script.

    World Peace Ruined My Life

    Pg 1 – The first page is one of those first pages where we’re given slabs of descriptive text that amount to very little that would happen on screen.

    Pg 2 – “Merv searches his body for his wand.” – How would we know what he’s searching for?

    “What the hell is this?” – I know this style works for some writers, but this is a case where it doesn’t work for me. If you want us to think this, then make it happen through the story, rather than by telling us what to think.

    Pg 4 – For me the humor in this is not really working. So unfortunately I’m stopping here.

    The Jaguar’s Fang

    Pg 4 – The opening scene has some decent action, but for me it comes close to being a parody of a WWII movie. I think that’s because everything about it is stuff we’ve seen before and much of the dialogue feels quite generic. Then the cut to the guy waking up from his nightmare made me roll my eyes and I’m left wondering if the battle opening is really unnecessary backstory.

    Pg 9 – I like that there’s a mystery getting going, but unfortunately I’m still finding the scenes and dialogue to be blandly familiar.

    Also, I notice that you have 119 pages and that most of the action blocks are two full lines. Obviously this is better than longer blocks, but the cumulative effect of that is to make the read feel like hard work.

    Pg 13 – The break-in and meeting with McAllister has spiced this up.

    Pg 19 – Whitmore has reeled out a slab or two of exposition. Being honest, I’m only continuing to read because I’m curious to see what a Black List reader will give a prized 8 rating for.

    Pg 36 – Variants of this card scene have been done a million times and I’m not seeing why this one adds anything.

    I scanned my way to the end and I can see that the mythology of this is fun and you’ve got some decent Indiana Jones style exploration and action. However, a lot of it is ponderously generic. The execution of the story is letting this down. It could easily be much shorter and would be much better for it.

    It also feels like a bit of a dubious victory since they succeeded in destroying the last vestige of a once great human civilization.

    I’ve seen a number of peoples’ feedback from the Black List and have formed a relatively low opinion of their readers’ views. I can see how a reader of theirs might have got excited about the commercial potential of this. Since commercial potential is the nebulously assessed wildcard in their opinions, it seems like you’ve hit on what they are after. On this evidence that seems to be a pale rehash of what has been done before.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Is your opinion of Blacklist 3.0 based on — rating weak script too high, good scripts too low, or a combination of both?

      • Howie428

        I’ve found that Black List reviews are erratic and it seems that the commercial prospects are a key ingredient in that. A script like The Jaguar’s Fang illustrates the point well. It has a clear commercial side to it, but the execution of it needs work. So what is the Black list score for that? One reviewer gave an 8, another might give a 2.

        I just went and looked at the scores and notes for the 8 review. I guess I should accept the possibility that I’m in error and that this reviewer knows better than me.

        Getting back to my point… The reviewed version was 129 pages, has a budget listed as “Blockbuster”, and the reviewer notes that these “haven’t been in vogue with the studios in recent years”. Another Black List reviewer could take exactly the same information and score this as having poor commercial potential.

        Famously, “Nobody knows anything” when it comes to the commercial prospects of movies, so why should we expect Black List reviewers to call these things consistently?

        • http://the-movie-nerd.com themovienerd

          Blacklist 3.0 is like buying a lottery ticket. The reviews are ALL over the map. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to that pay for a 9 and a 4 or an 8 and a 3. It’s just a matter of are you going to get a reader that cares deeply about the commercial side or the creative side? Or if we’re being cynical, it’s about making money. But, if we’re not being cynical, in my experience and the experience of most I’ve talked to, most readers simply care more about the commercial side.

          Which is a very subjective view about something the writer has no real control over. Yes they pick their script’s subject matter, but whether it lines up with “what’s hot now?” Those trends change all the time and no one can ever agree on what the specific trends are anyways (generally, sure, we know what specs sell by genre … OK. Great). And sure it could be argued that that is a “microcosm” of Hollywood, but I thought the Blacklist was supposed to be about bucking Hollywood and their trends.

          The blacklist itself is marketed as a place dedicated to finding good material, readily marketable or not, and making sure people are aware of it. That’s kind of what makes the Blacklist what the blacklist is. What makes it cool. I understand it to be a list of projects that have been read a lot, that people really like, that are clearly extraordinarily well written but that can’t find a home, usually because of something to do with perceived marketability :-/

          Anyways, that said, I’ll keep buying their lottery tickets because I don’t want to to move back to Hollywood until I have to and it’s a way for me to play without having to do that.

  • rsuddhi

    “The Easy Way Out” intrigued me, probably because I’m also working on a film noir, and I also submitted it to AFF. I read a few pages, and you did a decent job of introducing your characters and the setup. Also, it to me was more a thriller/neo-noir rather than a “classic” noir – but I’m still curious to see what Carson thinks, so that’s what I would vote for.

  • RO

    The Jaguars Fang peaked my interest because over the past month I’ve been giving consults to a bunch of people that submitted to the Tracking Board contest and didn’t rank.

    Honestly, compared to what I have read I am really amazed that The Jaguar’s Fang made the top 25. I don’t want the writer to be put off by this statement. His script did make it to the top 25, and I can see your curiosity as to why it didn’t make the top 10. And I can think of a lot of reasons why.

    First 119 pages? Ok. Then you star with your opening scene. And it is muddled. You introduce a lot of characters along with your main, and while I get that it is a fire fight and is supposed to seem hectic it lacks organization. The only clear part of this scene involves the suspense with the lighter.

    Second, the relationship your main characater has with his soldier friend is non-existant. We don’t learn anything about Walker and when he dies we don’t care. Then you time jump to an empty scene where Riley is with a married woman who we never learn about, does his cliche shower and is instantly picked up outside of said woman’s house to have a cryptic conversation with a Major. This is 9 pages in and there is no relavant information to the plot and not much character development.

    Carson wrote earlier about how to use cilche’s and I think you used the wrong ones here, but I do see an opportunity where you could cut those first 10 pages in half and skip a bunch of other cliche’s with the classic nightmare sequence. It would also strengthen his alcoholism: You’re lead drinks to pass out so he can’t dream of the horros and his failings during the war. Riley would feel that his sobriety makes him far more vulnerable, which is a common reaction to PTSD especially at a time when veterans were told to “be a man and walk it off”. It is also something you can play with when they’re in the jungle and there’s no booze around.

    A big fault is that your first act is very forced. It doesn’t flow (and this aspect comes up a few times in your script until you reach the 3rd act). Your main character isn’t active. He’s yanked from his current “life” and then sent on to Whitmore’s home and then becomes determined to get this letter to Walker’s father. This further strengthens my point that this relationship between Reily and Walker is non-existant. Reily’s real inciting incident to lead him to your subsequent story is the mystery of where Walker’s father is. Show him knocking on doors, making phone calls, then going back to the military to request further assistance after he’s failed. Then it makes sense when the Major points him to Whitmore. Our hero has taken all the conventional paths a smart reader or audeince member would think of doing and now we’re given something new that closes the gap on one mystery while opening up another.

    Remember a plot is “A series of inevitable events”. Meaning we understand the characters and their motivations so as to accept their actions and progress the story. In the first act we don’t really know what Riley is doing or what he has to do, not until we’re flat out told by Whitmore to go to south america.

    The other part I noticed is that your story has no urgency. You write scenes with this secret society, but it becomes background and forgetful rather quickly. This is due to your script not having a solid antagonist. I gather that your secret society is intendend to be the antagonist, but without a face to represent that society in this particualr adventure it has no substance. They’re virtually inactive. If you were to add a figurehead character of this Society, outline the motivations a little it can only add more mystery and urgency to your script.

    Next your overall story is very predictable. It was peculiarly predictable in fact. I would be around 20 pages a head of you then I’d read an action line, know exactly what was going to happen on the next page and then be ahead of the story by 25 pages then 30, then knowing the ending and just waiting it out as I read further.

    I’m really sorry if it seems like I’m crapping all over this thing, but I want to stress that you’ve got something worth pursuing. This is a very tin-tin/indian jones/national treasure type story. Producers can see the DVD cover of this script. But right now it’s in that straight to video section; a movie shot on a handi-cam with retired b-list actors. You have the staples of a very marketable franchise in your script. You have your three heroes (which need to be more refined, but it’s a good start), you’ve got their plane and the crew and you’ve got Whitmore, the guy with the missions. You also have a cool setpiece at the end. But it needs something more to set it above and be worthy of the franchise you want to establish.

    It’s set in the right time which allows for fun fantasy and adventure, but more importantly you can have fun with the characters through the lack of modern technology. Obstacles are harder to overcome without the internet and modern forensics, which gives a writer a lot more room to play with conflict. I’ve only seen this in another script that was sent to the Tracking Board Contest and I’m really surprsied it didn’t place (among with a few others mind you).

    I think the main issue here is that this story is lacking substance. It’s not doing anything original with the ideas you present in it. Ask youself these questions. What does it mean to the audeince to find this expedition? Why is what the original expidention looking for important? What is at risk if our heroes fail?

    I’d enjoy discussing more of this script with the writer. Mikko if you’re reading this and don’t hate my guts, and what I said gives you a few ideas, let me know in a comment and I’ll e-mail you and we’ll talk.

  • Jake

    As one of the writers picked this week, I just wanted to say thanks for giving me an opportunity. I know that my script (World Peace…) isn’t everybody’s cup of tea (and might not even be as good as I hoped it would), but I wanted to thank Carson and everybody for any potential feedback. This is how we learn.

    Thanks,

  • GoIrish

    I like comedies, so I started with “World Peace Can Go Suck A Dick.” When I opened the link, the file appears to be entitled “World Peace Can Suck Go Suck A Dick” and the title page has “World Peace Ruined My Life”…hmm, a sign of things to come???

    p. 1 – “Bill is Julia’s younger, black brother.” Julia is listed as “30’s” and Bill as “40’s.” Julia is introduced first, but her race isn’t indicated. Are we to assume that since Bill’s race was specifically indicated that it is something different than Julia’s?

    p. 2 – “Merv searches his body for his wand.” How would one know that he is searching for his wand.

    p. 5 – “Ethan sits behind the wheel, driving through the city.” Ethan hits Merv with his car in this scene. When Ethan exits the car to check on him, the slugline reads “EXT. DESERT – DAY.” No indication that Ethan had entered the desert.

    Unfortunately, I think this may have been submitted before it was ready.

    • Jake

      Hey there, this is the writer. First off, thanks for taking a look. I really appreciate any and all types of reads.

      That being said…

      Damn, that’s embarrassing.
      In no way am I trying to defend myself, but just didn’t want to be that coward of a writer afraid to look criticism head-on.

      The title change is a stupid oversight error on my part when I changed the title on one draft in order to submit it to somebody who might not have read it with the original title, and I was just dumb enough not to make sure I didn’t change it back before submitting it here. (I’ll admit it, the title was a gimmick that I tried to use to get more people to read it. But hey, it looks like it might have worked).
      The age thing too is honestly just a dumb oversight. I have the characters pictured in my head that any time I wrote something against that, I must have just passed over it.
      The race thing was done to indicate the fact that one of them was adopted (but, I guess that my writing needs some work in clarity).

      Again, thanks for taking your own time to read something I wrote, and I sincerely apologize for any and all confusion and or oversight errors.

      I really hope I don’t come across as a pompous ass by taking the time to respond to this post. Just trying to rationalize things to myself I guess…
      Thanks,

      • GoIrish

        Sorry – wasn’t trying to be harsh. I’ll try to give it another go and provide more substantive remarks. But I do think you risk losing readers when those types of errors appear in the script.

      • GoIrish

        I read up to p. 24, but will just offer a general comment about the
        script first. This script is 116 pages long. I’ve read and been told
        several times that comedy scripts need to be under 110 pages.
        Obviously, there will be some exceptions, but those scripts will
        (likely) be very well executed. So, I would suggest cutting 7-10 pages,
        and I think you have room to do so. Some of the dialogue is a little
        long winded/unnecessary – e.g., discussion about Wesley Snipes’ movies –
        it’s random comedy that doesn’t feel organic to the script (perhaps
        this has some relevance later on). I realize that it can be tough
        cutting sections of your script that you like, but as Carson has
        mentioned, if someone was offering you $100,000 to get it under 110
        pages, you’d find a way.

        As for what I read…

        p. 1 – Ethan is described as “charming” and “perfect.” Yet on pp. 7-8, he
        comes across as egotistical and mean-spirited (lists his accolades to
        put Bill down; asks how many days it would take before Bill would suck
        dick for money).

        p. 1 – The first two times Sean Prince speaks,
        it is “O.S.” The third instance doesn’t use “O.S.” – is he on screen at
        this point? If so, may want to provide an age and/or quick description.

        p. 2 – There seem to be some random hyphens in the script – e.g., bottom
        of the page, you have “- Bill stands next to Sean Prince.”

        p. 3 – Use of “CON’T.” Perhaps this is some screenwriting formatting that I am not familiar with, but I think the more common versions are “CONT.” or “CONT’D.”

        p. 12 – Bill gives Merv the children’s Tylenol. When Merv asks for more, it seems odd that Julia would respond since she didn’t provide it initially.

        p. 12 – missing question mark. “Here, does anybody have anything thin.”

        p. 14 – why does Merv need to negotiate for the Tylenol? He’s a wizard –
        why can’t he just wish for it himself? I realize this is a comedy, but you still want there to be some logic. And since this is the central element for getting their “world peace” wish granted, I think you may want to tighten it up.

        And just to clarify my earlier comment – this is an amateur website, so there is certainly no harm in submitting a script solely to get feedback from other amateur writers. But you (presumably) know that a favorable AF review could result in your script being read by Hollywood insiders. So, why wouldn’t you want to submit the most polished version of your script possible? A lot of the stuff I pointed out were simply proofreading errors, which could be caught by friends who aren’t even interested in screenwriting. Anyway, good luck.

  • crazedwritr

    This is off topic, but can you do a Script vs Screen comparison of The Purge. I saw it this weekend and loved it. But I didnt get the chance to read the script. Just wondered what your thoughts were on how they executed the film.

    • Midnight Luck

      if you didn’t see it, here’s Carson’s review of the script

      http://scriptshadow.net/screenplay-review-the-purge/

      • crazedwritr

        Yes, I remember the review from last month. Since he read the script recently and with it fresh in his mind, I thought it would be a great time to do a Script to Screen article, especially since they addressed one of the key issues he had with the script. Want to see Carson’s thoughts about that in particular.

    • Midnight Luck

      Since he did a script review of The Purge, and I bet he will see the movie this weekend, I was hoping for a Monday comparison review also…..

    • Lisa Aldin

      Some small changes, the biggest one I think is taking away the Resistance. The movie, I thought, was much more bleak and hopeless than the script.

      • crazdwritr

        Based on Carson’s review, it sounds like what they did with the son in the movie was an improvement as well. It did great at the box office. $3M movie beat out the much-more hyped Internship which looked dreadful.

  • Renee

    I find this exercise super useful in stressing the importance of a catchy title and good logline. Pretending to be a busy and tired reader, which one of these would I pick up…

    For the beautiful title alone, with the added bonus of crystal clear clarity of the logline, I am going to read “Where Angels Die”.

    I will also pick up “The Jaguar’s Fang” based on the fact that the author demonstrates willingness to learn and up his/her game. Plus, if it’s really good old-fashioned Indianaesque, it might make for a really cool blockbuster.

    Time permitting, I will also skim Murderer’s Creek and The Easy Way Out.

    “WPCGSAD” sounds like it is going to be humorous on a level that I do not find humorous, plus I had to read the logline 3 times and was still confused. It sounds like Harry Potter meets the Hangover. I will pass.

    to be continued.

    • Alexander Felix

      Renee,

      Glad you liked the title and logline. I agree that loglines need to be as clear and succinct as possible. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

  • Laurenzi

    I read the first 4 pages of Murderers Creek. I don’t get it. Dad sends her daughter away with a “should consider yourself lucky”, then she’s locked up in the basement of a London orphanage.
    Lucky girl! Who would want to live farm life in the US when you can die of pneumonia in London?!

  • Angel film investor

    Based on logline I choose Where Angels Die. I read the first 10 pages and it is well written but packed with details. You can tell the writer loves to write, but there’s too much action descriptions and not much wiggle room for ones own imagination. Does the writer perhaps have a background in writing novels? I like gritty stories though, and to have it set in Detroit is a good pick to give it an authentic feeling.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Often wondered about the description vs imagination debate.
      It’s always easy for a reader to say – I wanted to see more description.

      Steven King suggests showing images instead of description.
      The screenwriter sees the movie in his head — wants the reader to see (and feel) the movie he sees. But the reader may not have the same active imagination.

    • Alexander Felix

      Keeping description lean while trying to make the script as “cinematic” as possible is definitely something I still struggle with from time to time. I’ve written a novel before but my main background is screenplays.

      As for the setting, I was living in Detroit at the time and I think that lends a good deal of authenticity to the story.

      Glad you like it overall.

      – Alexander

  • http://the-movie-nerd.com themovienerd

    Just wanted to thank everyone who gave Murderer’s Creek a go for their thoughts and time. Thrilled by this opportunity. And I agree with the general sentimant so far … The standard this week is really high. Too high. Angels, Jaguar and Easy Way I think would’ve blown most other Am Friday selections out of the water. Great job and kudos to those writers!

  • Midnight Luck

    The Easy Way Out
    – Definitely my choice.

    It had the most interesting and intriguing logline.
    It also has the strongest writing.

    Read beginnings of all to pg. 10 at least.

    The Easy Way was the best of the bunch. Will Definitely will keep reading.

  • kidbaron

    The Easy Way Out — I just couldn’t get into it after 12 pages. The main thing, a whole lot of characters are packed into it. I got who Blake and Rachel were. I had some issues with how Blake got to his spot in life. It just seemed that for every new piece of info provided a new supporting character was introduced. Keeping track of everyone made it tough to focus on the story.

  • MayfieldLake

    I read the first ten of Where Angles Die. I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the writing, it pulled me in. The writer can write no doubt about that. But… appeal. That’s a word another commenter already mentioned. This concept was lacking in appeal to me. I found it depressing, so that’s why I stopped.

    • Alexander Felix

      MayfieldLake,

      I do realize this is by no means a four quadrant screenplay but rather something in the vein of Nicholas Winding Refn’s recent film Drive – basically, a crime drama that builds to a horrifyingly violent climax where redemption and forgiveness become the binding themes.

      It’s funny most people who I talk to about Drive say they either loved or hated it, so I’m not surprised Angels is somewhat polarizing as well.

      Thanks for complimenting the writing and I appreciate the feedback.

      Best,
      – Alexander

      • MayfieldLake

        Alexander, Thanks for the comment. I think it’s great when a writer steps into the comments realm. I’m surprised that more writers through the years haven’t engaged with the SS readers to the degree that you are, so kudos to you. I hope it helps.

        Now that you bring up the comparison, yes, I can see similarities to Drive in that sense. I sort of liked Drive, I thought it was a fair movie. The stylization of it was cool with the cinematography and hip music and there were some intriguing moments. Drive is like a lot of Ryan Gosling movies to me… it’s like they intentionally try to alienate some of the audience, purposefully make unappealing or less than commercial choices. Perhaps it’s just me. All the best.

        • Alexander Felix

          Thanks again MayfieldLake! I agree that Ryan is trying his best to be anti-establishment for the most part. I feel that with certain films, like Drive, The Notebook, or Lars and the Real Girl, it works fantastically, but some of his more recent efforts are a bit more experimental and not as sound in a story-structure sensibility. Like the more popular/mainstream he gets, the more he tries to be hipster/counter-culture/indie.

  • walker

    I endorse Where Angels Die; the premise is inherently dramatic and the descriptive passages are vivid and realistic. An intriguing story set in a recognizable but largely unexplored world.

    • Alexander Felix

      Thanks Walker, glad you like the script!

  • AJ

    Casting a vote for WHERE ANGELS DIE. I felt that the novelistic action descriptions worked with the drama’s tone and were well done. My only complaint is about a moment that I have read other posters enjoyed, so take this with with that in mind Felix. The moment where Tavarus is on the swing set and is offered the jacket. The tone up until this moment is perfect. I want to see this boy get offered the coat and watch the hate in his face as he turns his eyes from it… but that’s all I want to see.

    That’s all I have to see for this moment to be effective, and in my opinion it is maximal this way. If I were to see this boy then get up and beat the coat with a stick, the movie would lose me. I would think immediately that this was a movie that was trying to reach a little deeper into my heart with a gimmick just to grasp at one more string.

    I know some posters loved it and were effected by it, so choose the audience you want to appeal to and change it or not. I loved the movie Drive. I am a person who wants to watch these types of movies, but this scene would push the movie from a dark dramatic place that I viewed to be focused upon me, to a melodramatic place with a night light that I feel whatever girl I’m viewing this with would appreciate more.

    Great writing and thanks for submitting! I’ll finish tomorrow (sorry, the finals are on).

    • Alexander Felix

      Thanks for your vote AJ! I know as a writer you can never please everyone all of the time so I try and go with my gut and stay as true to the original vision as possible. I look forward to hearing the rest of your feedback, especially since you enjoyed Drive.

  • Poe_Serling

    Malibu Barbie, have you had the pleasure of meeting Malibo Jackk yet? ;-)

  • Mikko Tormala

    I was aiming for “them” to mean both the expedition and the treasure. Double trouble. :)
    I’ve been experimenting with a new logline:

    A paratrooper, a gentleman thief, and an archeologist are sent to rescue a missing expedition on the trail of a mythical treasure.

    • Citizen M

      Much better.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Who sends them??

      A paratrooper, a gentleman thief, and an archeologist join forces to rescue a missing expedition on the trail of a mythical treasure.

      • Mikko Tormala

        If you wanted to add that info it could be:
        “A wealthy financier sends a paratrooper, a gentleman thief, and an archeologist to rescue a missing expedition on the trail of a mythical treasure”

        Although I personally think it’s not necessary to include the “who sends them” information.

        • Malibo Jackk

          The point was that it raises an unnecessary question.
          And seems to suggest that someone else is the major player — but unmentioned. (Is the story about the man who sends them?)

          If you describe a Bond picture, you might say–
          “James Bond is sent on a mission to…” Here we already know who is sending him. So we can get away with it. But does it make the best logline?

          Is the Bond movie or your movie about being “sent”?

          To me, that is less dramatic — it’s passive.
          “Joining forces” doesn’t make for the greatest logline — but at least it’s active.

  • Mikko Tormala

    Hi Sly,

    Thanks for taking the time to read the first 10. If you end up reading any more, I’d be grateful to hear any comments you have about the rest of the script.

    Thanks,
    Mikko Tormala

  • jaehkim

    murderer’s creek:

    I like the dialogue. sounds very authentic to the period.

    the story is a bit confusing. things are happening, but I don’t really know why. when mary jane was introduced, we immediately see her grave yard. that was weird. I would suggest a more linear story in the beginning, not jumping back and forth.

  • jaehkim

    the easy way out:

    I liked the conflict. very identifiable in today’s down turn economy.

    I didn’t really get a film noir feel from the script. also, I thought the couple found a bag of money somewhere and it belonged to the mob or something. the logline was a bit different than the actual story.

    the writing is actually good with clear goal and obstacles.

    where angels die:

    writing is a bit novelistic, but just sparse enough for me to not have problems.

    the story is a bit slow with not much of a hook. it seems the lack of story depth is compensated by trying to create unique character like giving parker OCD.

    there is a strong goal and characters are vivid.

    the winner for me is a tie between easy way out and where angels die.

  • ximan

    “THE EASY WAY OUT” — Nice script!! I picked it up planning to only read the first 15 pages, but I couldn’t put it down!! Not until page 55. First off, you’re a really talented writer. I just adore the way you write the action lines. The dialog is very believable and flows pretty naturally. My only suggestion would be to cut the VO in the beginning and the whole graduation cap toss. One, it’s cliche. Two, VO is very tricky to pull off (most of the time it just sounds like the writer’s only way to get expository told quickly).

    Though I get what you’re doing because traditional film noirs have that VO style, but they don’t usually show what they’re saying and the VO is usually organic to the story. For example, in Double Indemnity, Walter Neff hobbles into his office and begins recording a message to his boss. Then we dissolve to his car driving up to Barbara Hershey’s character’s apartment on the fateful afternoon. We get right into the action. I think that’s the best way to bring us into your story: Maybe Blake is getting interrogated by police, or starin down the barell of Geo’s gun, then he starts to recount how it all began (the first scene on the lot). This sucks us right into the story in an organic way.

    Just my two cents. Once I finish reading it, I’ll give you a more in-depth analysis. Congrats on what you have so far!! It’s a very quick, tense, easy read.

    • Michael

      I think you mean Barbara Stanwyck.

      • ximan

        Wow, total brain-fart moment. Thanks for catching!

        • Michael

          Understandable, Barbara Hershey double indemnifies every film she’s in.

  • ximan

    “THE JAGUAR’S FANG” — First impression: the first scene is DANGEROUSLY reminiscent of the bridge scene in Saving Private Ryan. I’m talking plagiarism dangerous. I hope I’m not being harsh, but that’s all I could see as I read it. Go re-watch the film if you don’t believe me. Otherwise, I really like the logline and plan to finish reading it later today.

    • Mikko Tormala

      Wow, you’re right, there are many similarities. I just watched the scene on Youtube.

      Now, I’ve seen Saving Private Ryan, but that was when it came out in 1998 (I know, I should have watched it again since, as it’s a great movie). I honestly didn’t even think of this scene in SPR when I was writing my script.

      In my defense, while the scenes has the same kind of setup (2 forces fighting over a bridge), the focus and goals are different. In my script the focus is on Riley taking leadership and leading the paratroopers, and when all else fails, he shows heroism (or foolhardiness) and goes in himself, and ends up thinking he’s responsible for the death of his best friend. (And there is no Deus Ex Machina in the form of a P-51 Mustang)

      Good catch on remembering & pointing out the scene!

      If you read more, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

      Mikko Tormala

      • DontStealMyScript

        But just because it’s not plagiarism doesn’t mean the scene can’t be better. I read this a few weeks ago over on Talentville and felt the same way. The opening is too similar to the climatic scene in Saving Private Ryan. I’ve discovered the hard way that movies we’ve seen before enter our subconscious and can influence our writing without us being aware.

        So I’d recommend you change it to something original in order to avoid comparisons to that epic war film.

  • Mikko Tormala

    Hi Jovan,

    I would love to hear your thoughts on what wasn’t “right” in the script. Please be brutally honest :)

    Mikko Tormala

  • Mikko Tormala

    Hi Malibu Barbie,

    I was trying to convey “the expedition and the treasure” with the word “them”. I had the longer version in an older version of the logline, but it felt too long.

    Like I already replied to”estrogendeprived”, I’ve been experimenting with a new logline:

    A paratrooper, a gentleman thief, and an archeologist are sent to rescue a missing expedition on the trail of a mythical treasure.

    Do you think that’s better?

    If you liked Sahara & Indy 1-3, I hope you could have a look at my script and tell me if I got the same kind of feel in it. That was my intention.

    Many thanks,
    Mikko Tormala

  • Gregory Mandarano

    Im voting for murderers creek.

    Ps Can we go back to using sendspace? Mediafire wont let you download to cellphones and the clarity of the online pdf sucks.

    • http://the-movie-nerd.com themovienerd

      Thanks Gregory. All the best.

  • ChinaSplash2

    It’s been forever since I was last here, but I had to come back to vote for Where Angels Die.

    I thought Tavarus beating up the jacket pushed that scene a little too far, and the whole business with Parker’s OCD kind of faded away into nothing, but these are quibbles. This is the strongest, most compelling script I’ve read in a long while.

    • Alexander Felix

      Thanks ChinaSplash! Great to hear you think the writing is strong! On a side note, based on your handle, I’m betting you’re a fellow drummer?

      • ChinaSplash2

        Long story behind the name, but — yes. I think you’re the first person to pick up on that.

        Your writing, script and voice are all very strong. But who is Richard Seal?

        • Alexander Felix

          Thanks again, China. Richard is my old college roommate/good friend. The screenplay is an adaptation of one of his stories. I had wanted to try and tackle an adaptation for awhile now and I knew that he wrote dark dramatic stuff, which is what I tend to write, and so here we are :)

  • Jovan Jevtic

    To answer Mikko… The opening scene looks like saving private rayan and you want Indiana jones tone, so it doesn’t fit. Maybe you don’t follow the right character. How about starting with the thief. He’s interesting enough t o be the main character. And more fun than your drunk soldier.

  • Citizen M

    Not much time this week. What to read? The top three all seem intriguing, if a little bleak. World Peace has wizards casting spells. I would call that fantasy, not science fiction, and it’s not my genre. From The Jaguar’s Fang logline I can’t make out if it’s lighthearted fun or serious action.

    Purely because I watched Straight Time on TCM this weekend, I’m going to tackle The Easy Way Out.

    For those who haven’t seen it, Straight Time (1978) stars Dustin Hoffman as a crook paroled after eight years inside. He gets a job and a girlfriend, but he can’t take being relatively poor, and his parole officer is riding him too hard, so he takes the easy way out and returns to crime. It wasn’t a financial success. It’s gritty, noirish, and the Hoffman character brings about his own self-destruction by being stubborn to the point of stupidity. For the viewer it was too slow. There were a couple of signature scenes, like Hoffman smashing the plate glass cases in a jeweller’s shop, but otherwise not much happening. It needed more pace, more action, more tension. What it did have going for it was veracity. The writer, Eddie Bunker, was himself in and out of foster homes, juvie, and the big house. He was the youngest guy ever sent to San Quentin. Someone who made himself the toughest kid on the block to survive.

    Hoffman bought the rights after reading Bunker’s novel on which the movie was based. He says it was one of his favourite roles. I doubt it would have got made without Hoffman. So I’m looking for a lead character that would entice a bag-name actor, otherwise i don’t think a noir film is going to get made.

    Fun fact: “punk” is prison slang for someone who allows himself to be sodomised.

    Okay, I read to page 41. Started slow, picked up when the robbery went down, and now it’s slowed down again. So far, I’d rate it about average AF entry. Writing, formatting, spelling, paragraphing, all okay. No rank beginner mistakes. This is someone who knows their way around a script.

    But I think it should be better. Let’s look at Straight Time again. It had a pretty good cast. Apart from Dustin Hoffman, you had two first-class character actors in Harry Dean Stanton and M. Emmet Walsh. And you got them because they each had juicy parts, Stanton as a lugubrious man doing okay but bored out of his skull by suburbia who wants excitement with Hoffman. And Walsh as the unpleasant parole officer who loves to assert his power over Hoffman. There’s Gary Busey as Hoffman’s old mate who gets roped in at the last minute but doesn’t have the nerve for the job. A small but emotionally powerful role for Kathy Bates (quite the MILF in her younger days, rocking the girl-next-door look) as Busey’s wife who sees Hoffman as bad news, and Theresa Russell whose job it is to look pretty, and does so tremendously well.

    The point is, they are all fleshed-out characters. They have a life. They exist outside of Hoffman’s orbit. If he didn’t come along and disrupt their trajectory, they would continue quite happily without him.

    In this script the main secondary characters (Rachel, Damon, and McNulty so far) don’t seem to have any life or plans or desires apart from when they’re with Blake. I think they need to be fleshed out much more. I would like longer scenes and fewer scenes. This script jumped around too much for me. I couldn’t grasp the world these characters inhabited.

    And I think the main reason why we don’t get fully fleshed-out characters — and this applies to many AF scripts, not just this one — is the scenes are too short. Conversations are taking only half a page. Say what you need for the plot, move on. I think that’s a mistake. Characters need more space to assert themselves, to make their mark, to be individuals.

    In this particular script, I found two very confusing areas.

    One, the geography of the work place. There’s a used-car lot on a hill and a garage lower down, and McNulty’s office is not on the lot but he’s their boss, and there are various doors and comings and goings in the night and a diner across the way. Please, take some care to describe it this location, or move the scene to someplace simpler.

    Two, Blake and Rachel seem to be renting an apartment, at the same time they have purchased a house and are fixing it up. Am I right? Are they insane? With student loans as well, and neither has a decent job? It needs some explanation how they got themselves into this fix. Is Blake an irrational optimist or what?

    On page 4 Blake’s Dad says to him when he asks for money, “You pissed away four years.” But we learn in the beginning that Blake graduated with a respectable grade. How is this “pissing away” four years? And where did he get the money for the down payment on the house. Was it Dad’s? Again, I think we need a longer scene here, with Dad fairly accurately putting his finger on Blake’s weak spot and filling in Blake’s background for us. Sometimes exposition is necessary.

    On page 12 we learn there was a co-worker with Blake all along. James, an African-American. Where did he spring from. And there’s another co-worker as well. Why can’t Damon be his only co-worker? It gives them an excuse to be friends and gang up against McNulty.

    And finally, that old bugbear, the passive protagonist. Who observes what’s going on the garage? Damon. Who notes it would be easy to take the money? Damon. Who’s the star? Not Damon.

    C’mon. Blake’s gotta be the main guy here. He’s the one in financial shit. He should be sussing out all the angles, coming up with the plans. Damon should be the one holding him back, saying don’t be crazy man, that’s mob money. I didn’t get the feeling Blake was financially desperate enough to attempt the heist. He’s an educated guy. What makes him think he can get away with it? Does he think he’s smarter than them? We need a character flaw.

    Another example where Blake’s a passive protagonist: A guy comes to buy a jeep and basically walks all over Blake, complaining about a scratch and the price. Would Dustin Hoffman let some loudmouth lardass walk all over him? Hell, no. He’s have some snappy comeback, put the guy in his place, charm his wife before his eyes, whatever. He’d do something to establish control. And not just because he’s the star. Because he’s a car salesman, and car salesmen try to establish dominance. They’re not selling ladies’ underwear. Subservience is not gonna move metal.

    Couple of other points.

    p. 4 – BRICK HOME is too generic in the slugline. Call it BLAKE’S FIXER-UPPER or something distinctive, and maybe explain to us he has bought it with a hope of flipping it or whatever. I know the audience can’t see that, but the actors can act that. Later after the robbery when Blake arrives at a brick home I had no idea it was the same one. That’s what you get from generic sluglines. Confusion.

    p. 12 – “The kid who sky-dived from the bridge onto the highway? ” What does this mean? Did he hang-glide off the bridge, or base-jump off, or just jump off? Presumably not jump because later James wants to bet they never see him again.

    p. 13 – McNulty offers to take Blake to the diner. Why is he being nice to him? It seems out of character.

    • New_E

      Good review and good point about scene length. Would you say genre impacts scene length? Or should scenes be longer across the board? Some would say a character can and should be defined by his action rather than his words in a script – and it could be dangerous advice to ask amateur entries to feature longer scenes when so many already have scenes filled with unnecessary, expository or faux philosophical banter.

      E

  • Will Vega

    How can a script be ready for a paid service but not be ready for a free community feedback based service?

  • Malibo Jackk

    The proper term is “money man”.

  • Citizen M

    WHERE ANGELS DIE. Wow. Just, wow.

    Probably the best amateur script I’ve ever read on the site.

    This one’s ready for the big time.

    I thought I’d just glance at the first few pages. I couldn’t put it down until I finished it. This one is mind-blowingly good.

    But there were a few niggles.

    p. 22 – Parker: “Please don’t do that…” Punctuation missing.

    p. 28 and more – Spanish dialogue should be written in English, but italicised or in brackets, with a note explaining the convention you are using the first time you use it. Also, note whether it should be subtitled or not. (In this case, probably not.)

    p. 40 – “woman wearing a charcoal trench coat with long, dark red hair.” Should read “woman with long, dark red hair, wearing a charcoal trench coat.”

    p. 44 and elsewhere – Technical and medical details of gunshot wounds to this level of detail are perhaps inappropriate in a drama. They are more suited to a Stallone movie.

    p. 61 – There appears to be a scene missing. How did Parker get the jump on the two punks?

    p. 82 – On a firearm it’s a breech not a breach. Please get technical terms right if you use them.

    p. 88 and following – The action was a bit too Hollywood for my liking. I’ve seen a car burning and the gas tank blowing up. It goes WHOOMP and there’s a blossom of flame. Not terribly spectacular. I haven’t seen anyone shot, but a friend of mine was standing right by the gunman with an AK-47 who fired a clip into a female student walking across the pub. He said, “She sort of shivered and looked surprised. She was like a doll being shaken.” (The Heidelberg Tavern Massacre)

    I guess it’s writer’s licence as to whether you want to go full Hollywood or be a bit more realistic.

    But to repeat. The best amateur script I have read on this site.

    • Alexander Felix

      Citizen, I’m blown away that you think it’s the best amateur script you’ve read here. Jesus. Don’t really know what to say other than thank you.

  • carsonreeves1

    Great write-up Baby. :)

  • Renee

    Read (or began to read) the actual screenplays in the order of loglines that sounded most promising to me.

    WHERE ANGELS DIE:

    I stopped on page 17 because I wanted to get to the others as well, but I am going to go back and finish reading. The first few pages were really strong, with the exact status/nature of Parker a mystery. Run down neighborhood, pills, but … NPR… but a gun. I was almost sad that the spell got broken when he introduced himself over the phone to the dispatcher as the social worker. It’s a very fluid read with clear character voices. Well done.

    JAGUAR’S FANG:

    Yikes. After Where Angels Die this one looked like the writer had been cheating with the margins. Both the scene description and the dialogue looked like so… much…. text… to… read… And inspite of starting with a battle scene, I somehow got bored and wanted to go back to Where Angels Die. So I stopped reading short of page 2. My apologies to the writer…

    THE EASY WAY OUT:

    I know there was urgency, but I didn’t get it in the first few pages. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t really like Blake and his girlfriend all that much. So it’s a pass on that one. The writing wasn’t bad though (although I was holding my breath after finding the regalia and eruption in the first sentence).

    MURDERER’S CREEK:

    I was really confused by the quick relocation to and return from London. Digged the setting on page 1, thought I felt what the world was going to be like and then I got Mary Jane. It must be important, otherwise it wouldn’t be in there, but it felt like an odd aside that early on. Took me out of the story world. And since I really wanted to get back to finishing Where Angels Die, I didn’t need much for that to happen.

    WORLD PEACE:

    Yeah… not my cup of tea I’m afraid.

    • Alexander Felix

      Happy to hear you liked the script Renee.

  • Angel film investor

    Yes.

    • del

      I’ve sold a screenplay that a star wants to direct and act in. Can you help me get it back?

      • Malibo Jackk

        Sold to a studio?
        (It might depend on which studio.)

      • Angel film investor

        It’s not how I work, so no.

  • Alexander Felix

    Thanks David!

  • Annette Prijatel

    I read the first 10/15 of each and would honestly say “Where Angels Die” is on target in terms of making me want to continue on. A bad-ass social worker – with a soft spot for neglected kids is my kind of protagonist. I do agree with the other comment in here about the OCB characteristic and it needing to be strengthened or taken out altogether. Otherwise, a strong start. I’d pay the price of admission to see it.

    • Alexander Felix

      Thanks Annette!

    • DamselInDisguise

      do you still have the script?

  • JWF

    going to read world peace and go suck a dick purely because of the title. I want this to be awesome!

  • Film_Shark

    The Easy Way Out – The writing isn’t bad but the main issue I had with it is that Blake seemed generic and I was trying to figure out why a hottie like Rachel would be with a guy like him. I couldn’t find any reason in the story. Maybe add a few special qualities to Blake that makes him more of an endearing guy through his actions. For example, even though he is broke, maybe show him doing something special for his girlfriend. I just don’t buy a hot girl would stay with a guy that is floundering this badly in life.

    Another thing I suggest is to tighten up the story after the discovery of the loot. The back and forth scenes from the bar to the used car lot, diminish the intensity. I mean, once the McGuffin is taken, the suspense needs to be ratcheted up tenfold. Think Hitchcock type of suspense.

  • Stank

    I know this is a little late, but…. I really enjoyed WORLD PEACE CAN GO SUCK A DICK. Yes, it had sloppy moments, but if you take out some typos, the wrong title, the wrong ages, and a few other sloppy things, the plot, characters, and jokes were great. Merv was hilarious! The end was somehow fulfilling… It all worked for me. (the only time it got a little slow for me was right when they went back in time). It’s the most I laughed from a AF comedy script in a while.

    Author: Clean it up so it looks professional and you really have something.

    • Jake

      Hey, this is the author. Thanks so much for the kind words. I only really realized all of the mistakes once people read it. I don’t really have many people who are willing to read my stuff, and that’s why it’s so satisfying and good to hear when I get some positive reinforcement.
      Thanks,