Synopsis: The most badass dude on the planet must find a kidnapped billionaire before it’s too late.
About: Sold for 500k against 1 mil.
Writer: Chad Kultgen (I originally posted the write as “Zane Smith”. This was incorrect)
Welcome to Huge Spec Sales of 2008 Week. Let’s get started with Dan Minter shall we?
Do I even need to review this? The title is “Dan Minter: Badass For Hire”. I could probably end this review right now and you’d know exactly what you were getting. And believe me, I’m tempted to. But I’m contracturally obligated (to myself) to keep writing so here we go. The script starts off with Dan Minter (think ‘the ultimate badass guy’s guy’) taking out an entire drug cartel. His weapon of choice? Kicking people in the balls. Dan Minter really likes kicking people in the balls. Dan Minter is the ultimate weapon. He could beat a tag team of James Bond, Neo, Superman, and Andre The Giant in a wrestling match. He eats metal. He never makes love to the same woman twice. He shaves his pubic hair with a machete. Did I mention Dan Minter is a badass? Cause he is. And however many times I’m telling you? It’ll still be 1/20 as many times as they tell you in the script.
Dan Minter’s job becomes personal when his old Special Forces Commander, WINTHROP, now the president of a multi-billion dollar company, is kidnapped. He partners up with VICTORIA, Winthrop’s daughter, and the two blaze a trail trying to find him, constantly bumping heads with the insufferably clueless FBI.
Dan Minter is funny. I mean, there’s no denying that. Early on, he’s in an elevator with a bunch of uptight corporate business types when all of a sudden someone farts. Instead of allowing it to go unclaimed, Minter stops the elevator and refuses to start it again until the person who did it fesses up. It’s equal parts head-shaking and gut-busting.
But you know what? I can’t possibly do Mr. Minter justice without giving you some of his idiotic yet genius diaogue. Here’s an exchange between Minter and the man who’s getting in the way of his investigation, FBI head CARTER NIBBS. DAN MINTNER: Well Carter, before your FBI goons get their hands shoved up their own asses and then shoved in their mouths I want to tell you a little story. It goes like this: There was a kid who wanted a puppy for his birthday. So his parents went to the local shelter and got him a pit bull with a scar over his left eye. They locked the pitbull in the bathroom until morning. They were gonna surprise the kid. Turns out the surprise was all theirs when that pitbull broke through the bathroom door with psychotic rage from being locked up and exacted his revenge on the parents. Mauled ‘em to death right in front of the kid, then winked at him with that scarred eye and ran away into the night. So what was the kid to do? The only thing he could do. He ran out into the night, looking for that dog, waiting for the day he could get his own revenge. After 10 long years on the street that kid never found the dog, but he became the toughest son of a bitch on planet Earth. – CARTER NIBBS: Is this going anywhere? -DAN MINTNER: I was the kid. – CARTER: No shit. So what? – DAN MINTNER: So, when I turned 18 I joined the army. Turns out I was so tough from my years on the streets that I got recruited for special ops training. Also turns out that my commanding officer was like a father to me, more of a father than my real one ever was because he was dead for most of my life. It further turns out that after a few tours in Desert Storm, my CO and I both came back to the states. I found out I could make a living by renting out my services to various clients. And my CO started a little company that turned into a multi-billion
dollar corporation. His name is Charles Winthrop. – CARTER: And? – DAN MINTNER: And I’m gonna find whoever took him and make them pay. – CARTER: Just like you made that pitbull
pay? – DAN MINTNER: I was a kid, asshole. I had no chance of finding that dog. But this time it’s the dog who has no chance.
I mean what more do I need to say? That’s pretty much it right there. Sure, once the novelty wears off, Minter’s jokes aren’t as funny as they were on page 1, but who cares? I know Dan Minter doesn’t. I don’t anticipate the female demographic flocking to this script any time soon but if you’re a man and you really like being a man and you want to celebrate your man-ness, Dan Minter: Badass For Hire might be a good place to start.
[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned from Dan Minter: That sometimes you gotta kick people in the balls. That and you the writer have to have fun when you’re writing comedy. It’s clear that Smith is having a blast and as a result, we the reader have a blast along with him. I’ve seen a lot of comedies where the writing is very careful, very calculated, and it never works. Of course you have to have structure to your comedy but if you’re not laughing along with it, chances are we aren’t either.