Search Results for: mena

Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror
Premise: A father and daughter living in remote isolation must fight for survival after aliens arrive seeking revenge for killing one of their own.
About: This one is based on a graphic novel. Jason Fuchs, who co-wrote Wonder Woman, joined up with Endeavor Content to secure the rights. The pitch here was “Another Quiet Place.” Goes to show that mentioning recent breakout movies as a comp goes a long way towards selling something. This script finished with 8 votes on last year’s Black List. Writer Gabe Hobson has not yet secured any writing credits, although he’s working on an HBO project with Alec Berg, who produces the great, “Barry,” for HBO. When is Barry coming back????
Writer: Gabe Hobson
Details: 107 pages

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It’s a double dip of sci-fi ice cream this week.

The Gorge was fun. Can Trespasser surpass it???

We’re out in the middle of rural Alaska. I guess that’s a redundant sentence. All of Alaska is rural. But anyway, 40 year old Hector Ramos is teaching his 10 year old daughter, Maria, how to hunt. Quick aside here. I have read somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 “fathers teaching their offspring how to hunt” scenes in screenplays. I strongly advise against them for that reason.

Although I wasn’t thrilled about the hunty-teachy scene, it’s followed up with a pretty cool chase scene. Hector and Maria load the caribou they killed onto a basket trailing their snowmobile and a bunch of hungry wolves begin pursuing them to steal their kill. That was cool.

Once at home, Maria expresses interest in what’s “beyond the river” that she’s never able to cross and Hector is super sketchy with his answer. We get the feeling that he’s keeping a big secret from her. That night, after her dog goes missing, Maria heads out to look for him and finds a little 4 foot humanoid black creature caught in one of their bear traps.

She calls her dad out and he’s freaked out by the thing. Says to leave it there. But Maria is so intrigued, she comes back later and feeds the alien. It seems nice. The next day, when Hector learns his daughter went back out, he’s furious and kills the thing! That very same day, Maria spots another alien. And then another!

She runs back to the house and, by that time, five aliens are in pursuit! Lucky for her, these aliens are not up to date on breaking and entering procedure for Alaskan cabins as they get all confused by the walls and windows and such. That gives Maria enough time to stall for Hector to come back. The two will then have to defeat the creatures who are dead set on getting revenge for the murder of their alien brother!

For those who don’t know, there was a screenplay written forever ago that was Steven Spielberg’s original idea for E.T. It was based on a real story where a redneck family was [supposedly] terrorized by a group of little aliens who were trying to break into their house. I’m guessing this, at least, partly inspired Trespasser?

Hey, I don’t blame ya. You can do worse than Steven Spielberg’s scraps.

I was so underwhelmed by this script, though.

As I read it, I was trying to figure out why it wasn’t working. More specifically, I was trying to figure out why the movie, Alien, works but this doesn’t.

Both of them have nefarious aliens in them. Trespasser actually has more than one. In both cases, the characters are contained to a certain location and are being stalked by the alien. And yet, I wasn’t once invested in or worried about these characters. I bounced a number of ideas around in my head as to why, never coming up with a satisfactory answer.

I would argue that you should be even more invested in Trespasser’s protagonist than Alien because Trespasser’s protagonist is a 10 year old girl. Who isn’t rooting for a 10 year old girl to not get killed by evil aliens? If you’re one of the few, keep it to yourself you heartless bastards.

In the end, I think it comes down to something simple.

The creature itself.

The creature in Alien started off as this mysterious football-sized thing that attached itself to your face. There’s something scarier about an alien whose makeup we don’t yet understand. You’re not even sure what you’re looking at.

Then, of course, the alien grows inside the body, bursts out of the chest, and becomes an even more horrifying creature the larger it grows.

In Trespasser, you basically have five 4-foot tall black humanoids. I’m sure if I was the target of one of these things, I might be less brave than I’m claiming to be now. But something that’s small – in this case as small as a ten year old – I’m just not sure how fearful I can be in a movie setting. Especially because they’re humanoid and familiar. There’s no mystery to them.

This is something I tell writers quite a bit. When you’re creating a villain – whether that villain is a killer or a monster or an alien – you need to describe something to us that feels unfamiliar in some sense. Because the unknown is what’s scary. The more we know about something, the less scary it is. That’s why when I watched Alien for the first time and that face-hugger attached itself to one of the crew-members, I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. That’s what was so scary about it.

Ditto The Thing. You didn’t know what you were dealing with there on that base. That’s a big reason why it was so terrifying.

It just seems kind of silly to have a bunch of little men chasing your hero around. I’m struggling to find the fear-factor in that. Especially when they don’t even know what to do when they encounter walls. How scary can something be when it sees a house and goes, “Un oh. Now we’re screwed.”

The one good thing this script had going for it was the mystery of why the father had dragged his daughter into the middle of nowhere to live. We kept getting these hints that he wasn’t telling her the whole truth. Maybe even lying completely about the reason they lived in the wild. That mystery was the only reason I wanted to turn the pages.

If there’s something to learn from this script, I’d tie it into my contemplative weekend I referred to in the Monday post. Go and scroll through the thumbnails of four streaming services for fifteen minutes. Look at the sheer number of options people have. Understand what you’re competing with. That way, when you think five little humanoids are a good idea for scary alien monsters, you might check yourself and consider another, more menacing, option.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Is your villain/monster/alien/demon actually MENACING. If they’re not menacing, we’re not going to be afraid of them. I didn’t know whether to run from these humanoid trespassers or pick them up and pet them.

What I learned 2: Add the 1,249,081st script to the “Dead Kid Backstory” pile. Just in case you were thinking it was a good idea to add a dead kid backstory to your next script.

Genre: Teen Comedy
Premise: A young Asian-American teen basketball fanatic who just wants to dunk and get the girl ends up learning much more about himself, his best friends, and his mother.
About: This script finished all the way up at NUMBER 2 on the 2020 Black List, which was just released this week. While there hasn’t been an official announcement yet, it looks to be set up over at Disney +. The writer, Jingyi Shoa, was a staff writer on the show, Boomerang.
Writer: Jingyi Shao
Details: 109 pages

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One of the reasons I started this site was because I wanted to learn more about these successful screenwriters who sold screenplays for a million dollars. Their success seemed magical to me, almost intimidatingly so. Were they always to remain enigmatic mysteries? Unobtainable gods whose keys to success would forever be locked up in some secret screenwriting vault behind the Hollywood sign?

There were times where I thought the answer was yes. Monday, the readers of this site learned that it doesn’t take magic. What it takes is writing a lot of screenplays and trying to get better with each one. That’s what Angela and Mayhem showed you. Success is obtainable. But you do have to work for it. It’s not going to be handed to you.

Now that I’m thinking about it, both Mayhem and Angela were very active on the internet – posting and getting their scripts read repeatedly. Taking feedback. Using that feedback to improve. Neither of them buried their heads in the sand and dogmatically declared, “My way or the highway.” They embody the 2020 screenwriting path to success. You got to get your work out there. If the only people who see your script are you and your cat, you’re never going to get anywhere. Unless your cat becomes the president of Paramount.

And with that PSA out of the way, join me and Chang. Cause we’re going to show you how to dunk!

Chang is 16 years old and plays bass in the marching band. And he loves basketball. He doesn’t love it enough to play on any teams. Or, I should say, the teams don’t love him enough to let him play on the team. But that doesn’t stop Chang’s enthusiasm for the fastest growing sport in the world.

Chang’s world of basketball love is interrupted one day by real love! A fellow sophomore named Kristy, she of the emo variety, moves into town and joins the band. She takes an immediate liking to Chang but then the worst thing imaginable happens. MATT. Yup, that darn Matt. Greek God. Beautiful blue eyes. Star basketball player. Worst of all, he can dunk like nobody’s bidness.

Once Kristy starts hanging around Matt, Chang realizes that to get her back in his orbit he’ll need a hail kristy. So after a basketball game, in front of the whole school, Chang bets Matt that he can dunk a basketball by the end of the season. That would be 12 weeks from now. Matt laughs. This 5’8” kid who’s not even on the team? Yeah right. But you’re on.

In a stroke of luck, Chang meets an AT&T rep, Devin, who used to be the star of the Romanian league. Chang asks Devin to teach him how to dunk and Devin’s in. But only if he can put it on his Youtube channel. The next 12 weeks entail a lot of Rocky style montage training until Chang is literally within one inch of dunking. But time has run out. His first dunk will have to happen on the big day! By the way, this is the midpoint of the screenplay. And, wouldn’t you know it, Chang does it! He dunks! In front of the whole school!

When the dunk heard round the school uploads to Devin’s channel, it goes viral. Which leads to local news wanting to interview Chang. Then ESPN. Then, while he’s at ESPN, he meets NBA basketball player Gilbert Arenas, who takes him out to a strip joint! Where Chang makes it rain. As the Chang legend grows, so too does a rumor. A rumor that, if it gains traction, could end all of this. That rumor is… Chang cheated. That Chang… cannot dunk!

First off, I love when writers play with the expected format. On the first page, instead of “Based on a true story,” we get, “Based on countless true stories.” As if to imply that thousands of Asian teenagers everywhere are trying to get the girl by learning how to dunk. That single line tells you exactly what you’re in for with Chang Can Dunk. This is turn-your-mind off 1200 degrees of surface-level entertainment.

But if we’re being real, this script is not a #2 worthy Black List script. It doesn’t have enough meat on it. And I’ll tell you exactly where it’s lacking – character development. A script at this level with this kind of story needs heavier character development to earn its place. Scripts like Edge of Seventeen come to mind. You get the impression that the writer of Edge of Seventeen was interested in creating real people. Where this script is more about creating archetypes.

Which is fine. I’m only judging it by that high bar because it’s so high on the list.

One of the characters who had a ton of potential in this script was the mom, Chen. She’s a single mother who’s a little overprotective of her son. But the problem with her is that she was never clearly defined. We don’t know what her “issue” was. If you don’t establish a clear character “issue,” then we don’t know what needs to change in that character for them to arc.

A few weeks back I reviewed a short story about an Asian family called The Paper Menagerie. In that story, the mother’s issue was clear. She wouldn’t learn English, which created a chasm of communication issues between her and her son. The whole story was about how that lack of communication destroyed their relationship, all the way up until her death. The reason that story is one of the most emotional you’ll ever read is specifically because the writer so clearly identified the mother’s issue in the story.

The character issues didn’t stop there. All of the characters outside of Chang felt off. Kristy is the romantic interest for the first 20 pages after her entrance. And then she just straight up disappears, occasionally making cameos when she gets bored. Or there’s Devin, the coach. He had potential as a character but he didn’t have a single flaw. There was nothing in his life that he was having trouble with or trying to overcome. When you don’t explore the weaknesses in your characters, your characters remain one-dimensional.

But the biggest problem with Chang Can Dunk is that it makes a pivotal error right at the midpoint. Chang isn’t sure he can dunk yet when going into the day of the dunk. So what he does is he sneaks into the gym the night before and lowers the rim a couple of inches. So what’s the story issue? It isn’t clear that this happens. The writer doesn’t show it. We see Chang sneak through the gym window. But we don’t see him with tools or anything. So we don’t know what’s going on. I only found out 50 pages later that he cheated when Chang admits he lowered the rim.

This is the kind of thing that would’ve worked better if you clearly showed Chang lowering the rim. This would create a powerful state of dramatic irony that runs through the second half of the story. We know Chang is a fraud but nobody else does. That type of setup ENSURES the reader will keep reading because they want to see what happens when the secret gets out. They want to be there for the fall.

I was trying to think of a similar movie to compare this to and then it came to me. Chang Can Dunk is Spiderman: Homecoming but without Spiderman or any superheroes or super powers. It has that same tone and sense of humor. So if you liked the last two Spiderman movies, you’d probably like this. Me? I needed a lot more from the characters to connect to this story and care about its conclusion.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I like when writers take a chance and complete the story goal at the midpoint (as opposed to waiting until the end of the movie). It makes for a more unpredictable script because now we’re wondering where the story goes from here. Chang Can Dunk actually has Chang dunk at the midpoint! It’s unexpected and genuinely had me wondering what would happen next.

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CONGRATULATIONS if you are one of the 42 total writers to make it to the semi-finals of The Last Great Screenplay Contest! (Note: I miscounted the other day when I said there were 53 total – sorry!) For those who weren’t around when I started this contest back in 1897, The Last Great Screenplay Contest works like this: People sent me their script. I promised to read the first 10 pages. If I loved the first ten pages, the script advanced into my “YES” pile. If I really liked the first ten pages, the script advanced into my “HIGH MAYBE” pile. If I sort of liked the pages, it went into my “LOW MAYBE” pile, and if I didn’t connect with the pages, it went into my “NO” pile.

The semi-finalists – all of which will be listed today – are scripts that finished either in my “YES” pile or my “HIGH MAYBE” pile. What this means is that I will now read at least the first 60 pages of the HIGH MAYBES and the entire script for the YES’S. The plan is to announce the finalists in the first week of January and then, a few days later, the winner. The goal is to get the winner a manager and agent and I will also produce the project, for which I plan to keep the Scriptshadow community updated on, while we do everything in our power to get the film made.

Okay, now on to a couple of things I anticipate will be brought up in the comments. Yo Carson, where are all the female writers????? Part of the problem is that for every 12 men who entered, only one woman entered. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is and I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something about my content, writing style, and/or types of scripts that I cover that don’t appeal to a lot of female writers. So I just don’t have as many female readers.

I still think, even with those numbers, that there should’ve been more female semi-finalists. But I can promise you that, once I started reading those pages, all I cared about was, is it good or not? That’s it. If it was good, I advanced it, if it wasn’t, I didn’t. I don’t think it would’ve benefited anybody had I graded on a curve. So as frustrating as the low female semi-finalist count is, I can’t do anything about it. Tell your female friends to start reading Scriptshadow!

On to loglines. I know – I JUST KNOW – that the “my logline is better than these loglines” brigade and the “Really?? This is the best you could do??” Club will be out in full force. So let me remind you, the first round of my contest was about one thing – the first ten pages. It didn’t matter if I loved the logline or hated it. All that mattered was if the first ten pages were good or not. If they were good, I advanced them. If not, I didn’t. So don’t get too caught up in logline drama.

Speaking of loglines, I came up with an idea over the weekend. I have almost 100 scripts that made the “LOW MAYBE” pile. I still plan to read at least 10 more pages of each of those in the hopes that the scripts get better. But I also thought it would be fun to take the 20 most promising of the LOW MAYBES and spend the next four weekends doing four Amateur Offerings with those scripts. Then, if one or two are really good, they would advance to the finals. I don’t 100% know if I can do this yet because not everyone likes their script posted online. So I’ll have to send some e-mails ahead of time and make sure everyone’s game.

Finally, if your script didn’t advance, please don’t get down on yourself or do anything drastic like quit screenwriting (I’ve gotten a few of those e-mails from people who didn’t advance in the past). A big part of finding success in screenwriting is finding the people who “get you.” Finding the people who like the genres you write in and the unique voice you bring to the page. There are so many people who work in this town that you have to get your scripts out to everybody in order to find those connections. Sure, drink some whisky. Feel sorry for yourself for a few days. But then get back to writing. I have absolutely NO DOUBT that some of the people who didn’t advance in The Last Great Screenplay Contest will have long fruitful careers as screenwriters. Hell, two Nicholl winners didn’t advance and a dozen plus writers who have produced credits didn’t either. So don’t give up. Definitely not on account of one guy’s opinion.

Thanks to everyone who entered. And congratulations to the semi-finalists!

EDIT: Since I’ve been getting a lot of inquiries about this, everyone who made the semis can send me an UPDATED DRAFT if they want to. You must to do so by Friday!

FIRST, OUR HIGH MAYBES!

Title: White Lobster
Genre: Adventure romance
Logline: When a timid young woman winds up marooned on a deserted island; she’s forced to do battle with a fellow male castaway over a million dollars’ worth of cocaine found buried in the sand.
Writer: Stephanie Jones.
(Note: Long time Scriptshadow reader’s perseverance pays off!)

Title: Crescent City 
Genre: Action-Horror 
Logline: A woman with the ability to control ghosts is forced to protect a witness being hunted by supernatural assassins.
Writer: William McArdle and Andy Marx

Title: Severed
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: After receiving an item belonging to his mother who vanished 13 years prior, teenager Andrew Thompson returns to his hometown to finally uncover the mystery surrounding her disappearance.
Writer: Ryan Bliss

Title: The Bear
Genre: Magical Realist/Supernatural Drama
Logline: A young woman who has recently inherited her father’s ranch in northern New Mexico begins to suffer mysterious misfortunes after saving a bear from a trap.
Writer: Sarita Shera

Title: The Radix Unknown
Genre: Science-Fiction
Logline: Finding themselves prisoners in a government bunker during a global pandemic, a child prodigy and her estranged father must unite to not only save one another, but the future of mankind itself. 
Writer: Alex Ross
(Note: A previous script of Alex’s, Hexen, won Amateur Friday years ago)

Title: Blind Trust
Genre: Thriller
Logline: Man orders hit on himself. Changes mind.
Writer: Michael Burke
(Note: Yes, I am well aware this is a bad logline. But what can I say? The pages were good!)

Title: DAYLIGHT
Genre: Horror/Contained Thriller
Logline: An Ivy League graduate who authored and profited from a popular blog on graduating college debt-free must fight for her life when she’s trapped in a hotel by a menacing woman and her cult-like following. They have one simple demand: the grad must reveal to the world that she paid for her education by moonlighting as a high-end escort or die before daylight.
Writer: Mike Morra

Title: The Last One Alive
Genre: Thriller/Horror
Logline: A bloodied, hysterical teenager emerges from the woods claiming that a masked man murdered her friends at a remote cabin. But as the local Sheriff starts investigating the mass killings, he begins to suspect the teenage survivor may not be telling the truth.
Writer: Joseph Davidson

Title:  KINETIC
Genre:  Action, Thriller
Logline: Following a harrowing phone call while out on the road, a long haul trucker with a tormented past must deliver a tank of liquid crystal meth before sundown in order to save his pregnant wife. 
Writer: Chris Dennis.

Title: Gladiator Warrior Battle-Dome 3000!
Genre: Sci-fi Horror/Thriller
Logline: After a botched robbery leads to certain death, five dysfunctional criminals are given a second chance when they are transported into the future to become contestants on a game-show where they must battle against teams from different historical eras in a futuristic gladiatorial arena to win a second chance.
Writer: Paul Clarke
(Note: Previously won his genre category in the Page Screenwriting Competition)

Title: Roxbury Manor
Genre: Contained Thriller
Logline: After her husband passes away, a stubborn elderly woman refuses to move from their rural farm. But when a group of thieves target her, she uses her intimate knowledge of the giant secluded manor and all its secret passages, along with a collection of ancient weaponry, to fend them off and prove her independence.
Writer: Paul Clarke.

Title: No Setting Sun
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: A hypnosis expert infiltrates a religious cult in an attempt to deprogram a young woman from the inside, but he quickly loses control as he and the formidable cult leader, who seems to have supernatural powers, fight for power.
Writer: Chris Rodgers
(Note: Chris Rodgers is one of three writers with two scripts in the semi-finals. Can you find the others?)

Title: Where Neon Goes to Die
Genre: One Hour Crime Drama
Logline: After losing her job, a single mother gets in over her head when she agrees to become the getaway driver for a vicious crime syndicate.
Writer: Keem Tory.

Title: Honey Mustard
Genre: Horror
Logline: After being stiffed, an unhinged waitress, hellbent on revenge, torments the customer who didn’t tip her and his surprisingly resourceful family. “Don’t Breathe” meets “Joker”.
Writer: Michael J. Kospiah
(Note: Writer of Austin Film Festival award-winning indie thriller, “The Suicide Theory,” on Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

Title: NANOPOCALYPSE
Genre: Sci-fi
Logline; A young couple with one hell of a pest problem: their new home is the battleground between two armies of evolved nanotechnology.
Writer: James Hutchinson.
(Note: This is up there as one of my favorite concepts entered)

Title: The Brink
Genre: Post-Apocalyptic Thriller
Logline: A dying man takes his teenage son across country to avenge the murder of his wife on the brink of a societal collapse.
Writer: Henry Sullen.

Title: Mother Redeemer
Genre: Psychological Horror / Thriller
Logline:  When Allie – a devout member of the Children of Ra – receives a sign from their God that she will soon be the mother of Earth’s messiah, she must find a way to protect herself and her divine child from the cult’s corrupt leader, who intends to use the newborn for his own malicious purposes.
Writer: Brian Accardo

Title: TIGHTER
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Logline: When a Japanese rope bondage workshop is taken hostage by masked intruders, a couple must find a way to escape their captors while tied together at the wrists. 
Writer: Arun Croll.

Title: Lights on the way to Eastpoint
Genre: Sci-fi Horror
Logline: A headstrong tourist struggles to get his terminally ill father back home during an eerie alien encounter in Uruguay.
Writer: Federico Fracchia.

Title: Almost Airtight
Genre: Horror
Logline: When an airborne chemical attack causes widespread madness, a woman drives cross-country in an airtight van to rescue her son after his father becomes violently insane.
Writer: Jeff Debing

Title: Better
Genre: Psychological Thriller/Horror
Logline: After recently moving to a new home in the suburbs, a married couple discover a secret room above their garage, that becomes an obsessive project for the wife, driving a rift between the couple, as the husband grows more paranoid about the community they’ve moved into.
Writer: Rosario Pellerito.

Title: Tigers
Genre: Thriller
Logline: Two estranged sisters, trying to free tigers from captivity, instead get trapped aboard the ship of a deadly crew of animal smugglers… along with three man-eating tigers on the loose.
Writer: Tim Keen

Title: The Misery Index
Genre: Dramedy/Musical
Logline: A terminally ill, improvident father spends the last day of his life touring NYC with his estranged daughter, and has only a few hours to right a lifetime of wrongs…and make 1.2 million dollars.
Writer: David Burton
(Note: Made the top 50 of the Nicholl last year. Evolves into a musical: think Little Miss Sunshine meets La La Land)

Title: A Sacrifice For a Pregnancy
Genre: Folk Horror
Logline: After suffering from a miscarriage, an engaged couple putting off the marriage for 4 years travel to a rehab centre to help them recover – only for it to be controlled by the Irish Púca; bent on driving the couple apart and extracting the foetus.
Writer: Robert O’Sullivan.

Title: HOLLY
Genre: Thriller
Logline:  When a traumatized woman thinks she’s killed her abusive husband, she goes on the run with the help of a compassionate pregnant woman, while staying one step ahead of her violent husband and a relentless female Texas Ranger.
Writer: Jeff Williams
(Note: His script Pure won a Nicholl Fellowship and the Austin Film Festival in the same year)

Title: Killing Squirrel Creek
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Logline: America’s favorite mystery author returns home for his father’s funeral and reluctantly teams up with his unhinged sister who believes their father was murdered. 
Writer: Erik Howard.

Title: BORDERLINE
Genre: Drama / Survival Thriller
Logline: When she’s enslaved by a dirty border patrol agent, a provincial Guatemalan farmer’s wife must use her newfound English skills and survival wits to plot an escape and secure asylum in the U.S.
Writer: Kenyetta Raelyn.

Title: Artificial
Genre: Sci-Fi/Contained Thriller
Logline: An amnesia-ridden victim of a pandemic virus wakes up in a mysterious house with a woman who’s nursed him back to health. As the two grow close, he begins to suspect she isn’t telling him the whole truth, and must do everything he can to get out alive.
Writer: Jonathan Dillon

Title: Between The Raindrops
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Logline: Struggling with a tough decision, a teenage boy accidentally stops time and can’t figure out how to restart it. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND meets ABOUT TIME
Writer: Jori Richman.
(Note: Writer is repped at Verve)

Title: Black Friday
Genre: Action/Thriller
Logline: A troubled father and his teenaged daughter witness a murder at the local mall on the eve of Black Friday. Together they must set their differences aside to avoid the killers, survive the night and stop a terrorist attack on the biggest shopping day of the year.
Writer: Jonathan Dillon.

Title: Sepulveda Pass
Genre: Action Thriller
Logline: When an armored car transporting a captured drug lord is ambushed on the Sepulveda Pass, an off-duty CHP officer driving her junkie son to rehab must defend the gridlocked freeway against a ruthless cartel hit-squad.
Writer: George H. Stroud.
(Note: This might be my favorite title of the bunch)

Title: The Dead Hours
Genre: Anthology Horror
Logline: After being tasked with watching the police station overnight during a storm, two police offers are given a mysterious cache of interview tapes, which they decide to listen to.  Each tape interview describes a tale of terror, and the two officers find how the tapes they are listening to are related to them personally.
Writer: Luke Hutchinson.

Title: Cul-De-Sac
Genre: Dark Comedy
Logline: The newly crowned Chair of a ritzy neighbourhood’s Strata Council will stop at nothing to eliminate a defiant neighbour who threatens the street’s chances at maintaining its dynastic hold on a home & garden magazine’s annual award for the city’s ‘best block’.
Writer: Paul Vaughan.

Title: Family Forever
Genre: Thriller/Horror
Logline: Following a Yoruba Myth where the dead return to unsuspecting loved ones to lure them to the afterlife, a family of six must figure out whom amongst them is dead, before they all meet their end.
Writer: Gbolahan Akitunde
(Note: Have read one of Gbolahan’s other scripts – House Boy – which was quite good! Nigerian writer.)

Title: Demonology
Genre: Horror/Action
Logline: A former criminal turned priest relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who has gone missing in the seedy and supernatural underbelly of Los Angeles.
Writer: Adam Simmons.
(Note: Winner of the ‘First 10 Pages’ contest last year with ‘The Woman Who Disturbed the Rat’.)

Title: And the Light Shines In
Genre: Contained Drama/Thriller
Logline: The video diaries of a woman facing terminal cancer who suddenly becomes a national phenomenon when the fame of her live-stream unexpectedly skyrockets.
Writer: Maya Suzuki.

Title: Shelby
Genre: Comedy/Dark Comedy
Logline: A small town Sheriff unwittingly becomes an internet meme after killing a childhood acquaintance in the line of duty. 
Writer: Derek Williams

AND NOW, OUR FIVE YES’S! (THESE ARE ‘FIRST TEN PAGES’ ENTRIES THAT WOWED ME)

Title: Osculum Infame
Genre: Contained Survival Thriller
Logline: Logline: A young woman is about to be hanged in the middle of nowhere. She’s already tiptoeing with the rope tightened around her neck, when her executioner dies unexpectedly. So now she’s literally hanging on for dear life. ‘Buried’ meets ‘The Revenant’.
Writer: Bernhard Francis Brookman
(Note: Writer is from Germany)

Title: MASKED
Genre: Horror
Logline: A suicidal woman who literally can’t kill herself finds a reason to live after befriending an unusual teenage boy.
Writer: Ryan Kirkpatrick
(Note: Ryan won my very first Scriptshadow Screenplay Contest with “OH NEVER, SPECTRE LEAF!”, and now here he is primed to possibly do it again in the final one!).

Title: Wish List
Genre: Thriller/Action
Logline: An Amazon delivery man is ambushed in Mexico by a group of gangsters who mistake him for a drug mule, and must survive using only the packages inside his van.
Writer: Joseph Fattal.
(Note: Is this the most clever logline in the semi-finals?)

Title: SB-3
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: When an earthquake and tsunami trap them in a sub-basement of their research facility, a trio of workers must escape through the labyrinth of air vents while being hunted by genetically-altered predators.
Writer: Sam Kerr
(Note: Won last year’s Halloween Showdown with entry, “Genesis”)

Title: That Wind Come Down
Genre: Thriller
Logline: After taking the fall for a horrific crime and spending twenty five years in prison, a neurologically disabled ex-con must confront his troubled past as he desperately tries to find a kidnapped young woman whose disappearance may be connected to his past transgressions.
Writer: Chris Rodgers

Genre: Period/Supernatural
Premise: (from Black List) A young slave girl named Lena has telekinetic powers she cannot yet control on a plantation in the 1800s.
About: This script finished on last year’s Black List. The writer, Sontenish Myers, an NYU grad, received the Tribeca Film Grant to make the film. The Tribeca Film Grant provides film budget grants for under-represented groups.
Writer: Sontenish Myers
Details: 114 pages

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The other day I was talking to someone who is not in the screenwriting world. They like movies but they’re by no means obsessed with them like you and I are. Anyway, she was curious about my job, particularly when it came to deciphering the difference between a good script and a bad script.

“It’s all subjective, right?” She said.

This is not the first person I’ve run into who believed that the only difference between one script and another is the subjective nature of who reads it. The variable these people never consider is that a script must meet a basic standard of quality before it can be judged subjectively against other scripts. If it has not met that standard, then it is objectively not as good as other professional screenplays.

I don’t know if everyone here remembers Trajent Future and his bullet time dreams. But that classically bad amateur script was objectively worse than its professional brethren.

The question I then get is, how do you objectively know the difference between a beginner script and a professional script? Well, that answer is long and varied because there are a lot of things one must learn to write a professional-level script. But we’re going to go over a couple of ways to spot a problem script today to give you a feel for how readers assess these things. Let’s take a look.

The year is 1802 and 11 year old Lena is a slave on a cotton plantation with her mother, Alice. We learn early on that Lena can make things levitate. Like bottles or buckets of water. As a kid, she has fun with the power despite the fact that her mother keeps reminding her that if anybody finds out about this, they’re dead meat.

One day the decision is made to bring Lena inside and make her a house slave. So she and her mother are split up. Lena then tries to befriend all the other house slaves (all of whom are older) to mixed results. She also struggles to keep her telekinesis under control.

Then, one day, when she’s out getting water, a mysterious black woman approaches her and takes her back to her secret underground home. She’s seen Lena use her powers and wants to help her hone them. This interaction leads to the best exchange in the script. “Why do you live down here?” “Down here I’m free, up there I ain’t.” “Freedom is a lot smaller than I thought.”

In addition to Lena’s weekly telekinesis lessons, she also finds a 14 year old slave – Koi – who ran away from a neighboring plantation. Lena introduces Koi to the mysterious underground witch woman who feeds him and prepares him for his next journey.

After weeks of daily chores and strengthening friendships with the other house slaves, Lena’s worst nightmare comes true – her mother is sold. Lena slips away to Koi and the Telekinesis Witch and demands that they do something – use their powers to get her back. But will the two help Lena? Or do they consider the task too risky?

“Stampede” is an example of a common beginner concept mistake. A writer will give a character a power and believe that that power has given them their story. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Giving Lena telekinesis doesn’t give you a screenplay. All you’ve done is give your character a trait, not unlike the ability to play baseball or be a really good businesswoman. What about your story? What is going to happen that will make that trait interesting? That will put that trait to the test? Most beginner writers don’t know the difference between the two and therefore cobble together a disjointed narrative while occasionally going back to the power in the hopes that it will do some heavy story lifting.

Look at Get Out. The beginner screenwriter version of that is a black man dating a white woman. That’s it. The writer hasn’t thought beyond that. But the veteran screenwriter knows that all he’s done is set up the characters. He still has to come up with a story. So he adds that the girl is taking the boyfriend to meet her parents for the weekend and something bad is going on at their home. We never get anything like that in Stampede. It’s a narrative with no singular focus.

To be honest, I think this script would’ve been a thousand times better without telekinesis. The telekineses only serves to distract from the more poignant story about a young slave. It also makes the reader keep waiting for the telekinesis to become a bigger part of the story. And since it’s only a minor component, we never get that payoff. That makes the power a story distraction rather than a story ally.

Also, it seemed like there were better directions to take the story. But, in another common beginner mistake, the writer always took the path of least resistance – the path that made it easiest to write. You want to do the opposite. You want to go in those directions that are scary for you and harder on your character. If the slave owners would’ve discovered Lena’s powers, for example, maybe they try to use them for their own nefarious goals. Teaming up a slave and slave owners is where you’re going to find those messy but more interesting storylines.

But the biggest problem with the script is that the narrative isn’t purposeful. There is no goal. There are little, if any, stakes. And there’s definitely no urgency. Combined with the fact that the hero is stuck in one location, the story feels passive. There’s nothing for the characters to do. This leads to the writer coming up with all these small side stories, like the witch, like the 14 year old slave boy, like the friendships with the other slaves, that have no narrative thrust. There are no engines beneath these stories so whenever we’re participating in them, we’re asking ourselves what the point is.

How do you give a script narrative thrust? Simple. You create a big goal with high stakes attached. At around page 90 in this script, Lena’s mother gets bought by another slave owner and taken away. I’m not going go into some of the ancillary problems with this plot choice (we hadn’t seen the mom for 65 pages so we didn’t feel anything when she was sold). But what you could’ve done that would’ve been a lot better for the plot is to have the mother bought on page 25, the event that forces Lena to be moved into the house. Now you have a clear goal – Find and reunite with her mother again. It really is as simple as that. And that doesn’t mean you have to send her off on the journey. The entire movie can be her planning her escape and how she’s going to get to her mother and then the final act is her executing the plan.

Finally, you need your super-power to connect to your story better. Or else it just feels random. And that’s how this power felt. What does lifting bottles up have to do with anything in this subject matter? There’s literally zero connection – plot wise or theme wise. This tends to be another beginner mistake. The young screenwriter gets so hung up on the thing that they personally think is cool (in this case, telekinesis), that they never consider whether it’s relevant to the story they’re actually telling.

Last week, with The Paper Menagerie, the mother character had the power to make origami animals that came alive. That power had a ton to do with the story. It was cultural. It was the only way she knew how to connect with her son. They were a poor family so those animals were the only toys he had. They were also his only friends. And the animals ended up having messages within them that gave us our surprise ending. In other words, the power was organically connected to the story. We never got that here.

This script was just way too messy for me. I’m kinda shocked it made The Black List.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Period stories tend to work best when they’re set during a time of transition. All I could think while reading this was how much more intense it would’ve been had it been set in the months leading up to the end of slavery. The slave owners would’ve been more on edge. There’s uncertainty in the air. There’s more anger and, therefore, more potential for violence. This script was definitely missing an edge. That could’ve provided it.

Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise: An archeologist father and his young daughter must attempt to decipher an ancient alien message on a distant planet.
About: This is the big package that is bringing back a lot of the same team from “Arrival,” as this is another thinking man’s sci-fi story. The short story comes from Ken Liu. Shawn Levy of 21 Laps is the one who purchased it.
Writer: Ken Liu
Details: Short story about 15,000 words (an average screenplay is 22,000)

Ancient-Civilizations-and-the-Sixties

I’ve been all over Ken Liu since reading his amazing short story, The Paper Menagerie. When I heard he’d be teaming up with the new king of Hollywood, Shawn Levy, to adapt his short story, The Message, into a movie, I couldn’t remember any project announcement that got me more excited this year!

But one thing I’ve realized as I’ve studied Ken Liu is that he’s realllllyyyy smart. Intimidatingly so. Check out this answer he gave in a recent DunesJedi interview regarding his approach to science fiction versus fantasy…

“I think of all fiction as unified in prizing the logic of metaphors over the logic of persuasion. In this, so-called realist fiction isn’t particularly different from science fiction or fantasy or romance or any other genre. Indeed, often the speculative element in science fiction isn’t about science at all, but rather represents a literalization of some metaphor. I like to write stories in which the logic of metaphors takes primacy. My goal is to write stories that can be read at multiple levels, such that what is not said is as important as what is said, and the imperfect map of metaphors points to the terra incognita of an empathy with the universe.”

I’ll have to get a doctorate in Smartness at MeThinkGood University before I’m fully able to digest all of that. But the parts I did understand speak to one of the debates we’ll have later on. “The Message” has a lot of pressure on it as it’s coming after the perfection of The Paper Menagerie. Let’s see if it delivers.

Our story takes place in the way-off future. Our narrator, an exo-planet archeologist, flies around the galaxy to ancient civilizations in order to learn about extinct alien races. They’ve found a lot of these civilizations. But, so far, nobody has been able to find a LIVING alien race.

Just before he’s about to explore his latest planet, the narrator learns that his wife has died and he must now take care of their 11 year-old child, Maggie. He’s never even met Maggie so how do you say “awkward” in archeology-speak? Due to the fact that they’re going to blow up the latest ancient civilization planet soon, the narrator doesn’t have time to drop his daughter off and must bring her along.

Together, the two walk around the pyramid-infested city, which died off over 20,000 years ago. Their goal is to decipher “the message.” There are a lot of hieroglyphics everywhere and he’s convinced they’re all trying to say something. With the help of Maggie, who’s also into archeology, they do their best to decipher all the mysterious pictures.

Meanwhile, Maggie passive-aggressively needles her father about prioritizing his work over staying with the family and raising her. Why the heck does he care more about long-dead alien civilizations than his own family?? It’s a good question that takes a back seat when the dad finally cracks the message (spoiler). The message is that this is a highly radioactive area. Stay away. Stay away. Stay away.

This means they are both dying quickly. The dad can put Maggie in stasis which will halt the radiation poisoning until they get her to a hospital. But since the ship was damaged during landing, the dad will need to manually fly it back up into the atmosphere. By that point, the radiation poisoning will have reached a point of no return. He’ll die. Which means that just as this father-daughter relationship was about to get started, it’s already over. The End.

You would think ancient alien civilizations would be ripe subject matter for a movie. A sweeping shot of the long dead alien city alone is a money shot for your trailer. And yet the last two Alien movies proved that maybe ancient alien civilizations aren’t as cool as we thought they were. And this latest dive into the subject matter isn’t giving me a lot of confidence that that trend won’t continue.

Then again, Liu always seems to be more interested in the human element of these stories than he does the science element. If the character stuff works, it’s going to make the ancient civilization plot work by proxy. Unfortunately, the character stuff doesn’t work. Which is surprising considering that Liu wrote such a great parent-child storyline in The Paper Menagerie.

Today’s story proves that there’s a razor thin line between emotional effectiveness and melodrama. When the emotional component is working, it’s like magic. Our stories seem to come alive right from under our fingertips. When it’s not, it’s frustrating because you’re never completely sure why. It *should* work. A dad and the daughter he’s never met before are forced to team up to solve a puzzle. She doesn’t like him. He doesn’t understand her. The subtext writes itself.

However, something about this relationship feels on-the-nose compared to Menagerie and therefore never connects with the reader. I think I know why. If you look at The Paper Menagerie, the mother-son relationship was built around a very specific issue – she refused to speak English. He refused to speak Chinese. The story was about lack of communication. It was specific.

The Message doesn’t have that. There isn’t a specific problem in their relationship. It’s general. He ran off on his family so this is the first time they’re together. General is derived from the same tree as Generic. When you generalize in storytelling, you are often being generic. That’s what this felt like. Your average generic daddy who has to take care of a daughter he never knew he had story. Hollywood comes out with five of these a year. So if you don’t work to specify the relationship in some way, like Liu did with Paper Menagerie, the story is never going to take off.

More importantly, the emotional beats aren’t going to have the same oomph. This is why it’s so easy to shoot for a big emotional scene only to have the reader rolling their eyes.

Getting back to what Liu was talking about in that interview, he says that fictional writing should be all about the metaphors. I’m not sure I’ve heard an author say that before. I suppose it could be a short story thing. But I got the impression he was talking about all fiction. I vehemently disagree with that approach.

I got the sense that this ancient civilization had a metaphorical connection with the dad’s fractured relationship with his daughter. But I couldn’t make out what that connection was. Maybe someone can help me out. But even if I did understand the metaphor, it would not have made me connect with these characters any better. It would not have fixed the fact that the plot is basically two people walking around an empty city the entire time. Those are genuine story weaknesses that could’ve been improved if the focus was more on the storytelling and less focused on metaphor.

I’ll go to my grave saying that telling a good story should be the priority of every script you write. If you want to win new friends in your English class, go metaphor-crazy. But if you want to write a story that people actually enjoy, focus on the storytelling. Drama. Suspense. Irony. Unresolved Conflict. Problems. Goals. Obstacles. Stakes. Inner transformation. Urgency. And here’s the catch. You have to do all of these things IN A WAY THAT’S NOT DERIVATIVE. The story, along with the elements within the story, have to feel fresh and specific. The Message didn’t pass that test.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Work vs. Family is one of the most powerful character flaws available to writers. This is because it’s such a universal flaw that everyone understands. Even if you don’t yourself have the flaw, chances are there’s someone close to you who does. Which means you understand it. That’s what you’re looking for with character flaws. You’re trying to find flaws that all human beings can relate to. Here, the father chose work over raising his child. Liu didn’t nail the execution (in my opinion) but I still see this character flaw working in a lot of stories. I know writers often struggle to find a flaw for their main character. Well, this one is one of the easier flaws to show and execute as a character arc. So keep it in the hopper.