GENRE: Action
SYNOPSIS: A 14 year old girl who also happens to be a trained killer must fight her way through a strange country to reunite with her father.
ABOUT: Mystery pile people. Sorry, I know very little about this one.
WRITER: Seth Lochead
Oh sweet Hanna. Why do you frustrate me so? Hanna is about your atypical 14 year old teenage girl with an AWOL Navy Seal/CIA father who’s moved to the backwoods of Sweden so he can raise and train her to become an assassin. Yes, Hanna is a cold-blooded killer – a “Little Nikita” who really is little.
Within the first five minutes, father and daughter are captured by 50 agents for reasons I’m still not entirely clear on. The implication is the father wanted to be caught, purposely burning a fire he knew would be seen by an array of satellites that are constantly on the lookout for him. Apparently this guy’s wanted badly. For reference’s sake, I only have a single satellite looking for me. Once captured, because he and his daughter are so dangerous, they’re sent to different holding bays in separate countries.
Of course neither stays captured for long. Using Jason Bourne like badassery, they escape and head off to different locations. Here is where the script gets muddy. Hanna finds a family in the middle of Turkey who she befriends. She reveals she’s trying to get to the German Consulate in Istanbul (this is where her father told her to go). In hot pursuit of Hanna is the organization that captured her, which is headed up by the steely Marissa, who becomes obsessed with finding her. There’s clearly some sort of link between them but what is it?
Hanna makes it to Istanbul where, for some odd reason, Marissa decides to call off the dogs. Hanna’s given a train ticket by the consulate to the backwoods of Sweden, the very place her and her father were abducted. Yay! Hanna gets to go home!
Hanna trudges up to the cabin where her father is waiting for her. Yet it ain’t all pancakes and nursery rhymes. He’s pissed off! He reveals that the whole point of this exercise was for Hanna to be reunited with her damn momma! But that’s okay, because remember those 50 agents that abducted the two of them earlier? Well they’re baaaaack! Except this time, they only want Hanna. She’s whisked off to a jail in Stockholm where the mysterious Marissa awaits. She escapes her confines by Jason Bourning a few soldiers to set up a finale with Marissa. After a few pleasantries Hanna finds out that Marissa…wait for it…IS HER MOTHER. Hanna cuts the family reunion short though and pulls out a glock, shooting her mom in the head, sending her a little closer to those satellites she seems to like so much.
We get a prologue where Hanna explains why she did what she did. “My father told me about her. He would tell me stories about her. I decided I didn’t like her.” Man, and to think when I don’t like someone I just don’t return their calls. Now whether this means that Hanna truly didn’t like her mother because of these “stories” or, in a scene that preceded the movie, her father planned this whole assassination from the get-go, possibly even bred Hanna for this very purpose, will remain unclear. But even if that was the case, I’d still be asking myself, uhhh, why? What’s the reason the father wants to kill Marissa so bad? Because she likes to look for him?
Probably my biggest problem with the story though is that it didn’t need to happen. If the father wanted Hanna to kill the mother, why didn’t he just send her or drop her off at the city where the mom was located? For someone as well-trained as he obviously was, I’m sure he’d have no problem finding and getting the daughter to the location. The “deliberately trying to get caught” thing creates too many questions and is a very flawed plan for someone who’s supposedly so brilliant. When these agents break into the house for instance, Hanna starts killing them. Even though they’ve been told not to kill, once people start dying, all bets are off. Who’s to say they don’t shoot her dead to save their own lives?
I don’t know. Part of me just thinks this type of stuff isn’t my thing and it’s better left to someone who lives and breathes the genre. So I’ll stop dogging it. The writing itself was exceptional and I’ll give it to Seth Lochead for creating an interesting character in Hanna and keeping the story moving at a brisk pace. But I’d tie up some potentially large plot holes before sending this one to the big screen.
[ ] trash
[x] barely readable
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
WHAT I LEARNED FROM HANNA: There is a scene in the middle of the script where Hanna is staying with a family in Turkey who has no idea who she is. A local warlord comes by asking for money from the father. The warlord physically embarrasses him in front of his family and it’s a wonderful moment because we see Hanna watching this and we just know that she’s going to tear him to pieces. And of course she does. Use your character’s secret strength in a scene where nobody else knows they have it besides the audience (for example – in Big – he uses his childlike curiosity to woo over the boss in the famous big piano scene). That scene always works.

I don’t usually print this stuff but the Moneyball story fascinates me. In real life there are two sides to every story. But in Hollywood, there are a dozen. Here is an e-mail I received from someone very close to the project. It seems this thing is way more complicated than just “your draft/my draft”, and gives us some insight into just how difficult it is to get movies made. Here is the original Moneyball review if you’re not caught up.


I just wanted to bring your attention to the fact that in your made a comment about a scene in the Zaillian draft where Billie says goodbye to his girlfriend at the airport..and that ‘that let you know everything you needed to know about Billy for the next 2 hours.’
That scene is missing from the Soderbergh draft because it never happened and Billy B has been happily married for 10 years. You can’t have a major plot point of a movie the fact that someone is always in bed with a different girl or getting a girl’s phone number when at that point in his life he was married. This is one of the **many incorrect things in the Zaillian draft…one of the **many things that would have gotten Sony sued. Billy Beene and Paul dePodesta had to sign off on the script and had to let MLB know they were fine with the content…their opinions also influenced whether or not MLB would approve the script. Without MLB approval the film couldn’t use any of the real teams or players. Zaillian told Soderbergh that ‘everything’ in his script was true and had ‘happened’ it was only after interviewing various people in the script that Soderbergh found out it was just the opposite..95% never happened.
Brad Pitt wanted David Frankel off the project and was not happy with the Zaillian draft. (Brad has script approval and only approved the final Soderbergh script.) BP convinced Soderbergh to come onboard.
All the talk about baseball movies being financially risky…Amy Pascal had approved the Frankel/Zaillian film for 70 million. Soderbergh brought the budget down to 57 million. In part by getting Brad to reduce his fee. Brad was not signed to do this film..Soderbergh got him to commit..he’d only been ‘attached’ and that means next to nothing (esp with Brad)
Soderbergh was also going to be making less than Frankel..staggering especially since Soderbergh acts as his own cinematographer and was planning on editing the film himself. He was dedicated to bring in the project with a decent number and with making a great movie.
Amy Pascal signed off on Soderbergh’s take to use the real baseball players and to restructure the film back in April. Zaillian’s draft of May that keeps getting referenced on the internet was a power play on Zaillian’s part..he was supposed to be doing a polish with Soderbergh’s notes and instead of giving the script to Soderbergh (who would have called WTF because Zaillian hadn’t done the work that they had discussed) Zaillian turned his draft in to Sony (because he wanted to get a 500,000 payment he was due for a ‘step’) After wasting time (6 weeks waiting for the Zaillian work) and money..Soderbergh decided to do the work himself. Amy knew all of this and was well aware of the script and structure/content..nothing was a surprise to her 3 days before shooting was to begin.
So why was a 70 million dollar baseball movie ok but a 57 million dollar baseball movie now ‘risky’?
Also Amy has spent 14 million on this movie so far..(6 million on rights…2 different sets of writers prior) and Soderbergh had been criss-crossing the country shooting interviews for a month. She can’t use the Zaillian script because of MLB. if she wants to start all over she has to hire new writers, hope that script gets approved by MLB and then find a star (Brad won’t stay without Soderbergh) So say she manages to get some A or B director…how much will that movie cost? 40 or 50? plus the 14 she already has in…plus no major movie star like Brad…how is that version of the movie ever going to be more viable than the Pitt/Soderbergh/57 million dollar version.
The smart move for Amy would to try and work this out with Pitt and Soderbergh..then she comes across as a tough studio boss that strong armed 2 major talents and won. She can’t financially make this work any other way and can’t just write off 14 million.

So there you have it. Accuracy issues, MLB approval, budgets, writers trying to make more money. This is complicated stuff.

Genre: Drama-Thriller
Premise: A man wakes up in a coffin with no idea how he got there.
About: Ryan Reynolds just signed onto this last week. Spanish director Rodrigo Cortes will take the reigns for Chris Sparling’s script. Spain-based Versus Entertainment will finance the film.
Writer: Chris Sparling

This was the only picture I could find of Ryan Reynolds with his shirt on.

I loooooooooved this script. I loved it for so many reasons I can’t count them. First of all, I am always on the lookout for a smart cheap movie idea, something that can be shot with minimal hands, minimal equipment, and minimal funds. You know, a way for you to actually *make* a movie without having to go through that sludge-pit known as the Hollywood “system.” I tell anyone who will listen: If you can shoot the movie yourself, do it, because you’ll achieve what 98% of screenwriters never will – having a finished film. But don’t be fooled into thinking this is easy. I don’t care who says anybody can make a film with a camera and a Mac. If you want your movie to look professional, you’re going to need somebody who knows how to light, somebody who knows how to shoot, somebody who knows how to dress a set. You’re still going to need things that cost money. Therefore, you’re extremely limited in the scope of your film. It’s why a lot of low-budget films take place in one location. Keeps things cheap.

So when I heard of a script where the whole thing took place in a coffin?? I flipped. Like flipped out in anger. Why didn’t I think of that?? The cheapest movie set EV-ER. But wait. How do you write an entire story that takes place in a coffin? Let’s ask Chris Sparling.

Paul, an American truck driver in Iraq, has just woken up in a coffin. It’s burning up. Hot as balls. Lack of oxygen makes it hard to breathe. And let’s not forget the coffin, which only allows him a few inches of room in every direction. I will offer this warning right now: If you are claustrophobic, do not read this script.

At first Paul has no memory of how he got here. But things start slowly coming back to him. He was driving a truck, delivering food, when there was a loud explosion. Many of his co-workers were killed but somehow he wasn’t. He remembers Iraqis coming towards him. But after that? Nothing. Now he’s down here, in a grave, in Iraq. Yes, Sparling wrote an international thriller with a 75,000 dollar price tag. (well, maybe 2 million after Reynolds is paid). Can you say genius?

Paul feels a buzz. A buzz! It’s a phone! He has a phone! He checks it. It’s not his. It’s got 1 bar of flashing reception and 2 bars of battery left. This phone is his only chance at survival. When it runs out, so does he. He starts frantically calling people. First Emergency. He hurriedly explains his situation but the operator is suspicious. Why is a man buried in a coffin, supposedly in Iraq, calling an Ohio emergency line? The woman is worthless. He hangs up and calls home. But all he gets is the answering machine. He leaves a desperate message but who knows if his phone will even work by the time his wife gets home.

Then Paul receives a call. A man, Jabir, tells him that unless Paul can come up with 5 million dollars by 9:00pm (it’s 7:00), he will be left in his coffin to die. Paul, who already had anxiety issues *before* he ended up in a coffin, nearly shits his pants. He gets back on the phone, trying to get to the FBI, but in a well-disguised commentary on the state of our society, no one gives a shit. They forward him to other people, give him other numbers to call. If you’ve ever had to call Time Warner with an internet problem, Paul’s situation might be familiar to you. He finally contacts a man in Iraq, Dan, whose job it is to deal with these “situations”. Dan tells Paul that this is common practice for poor Iraqis. They kidnap and bury Americans, then ask for a ransom. If the money isn’t paid, they leave them to die. Since the U.S. doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, you can understand how precarious Paul’s situation is. But Dan says he’s going to find Paul. “How many of us have you found?” Paul asks. Dan doesn’t answer.

The signal keeps flashing in and out, cutting off his calls prematurely, making everything even more frustrating. The battery bar goes down to one. Every call wastes precious battery juice. And as he waits, there’s a nearby bombing, which shakes the ground, cracks the top of the coffin, and allows sand to start pouring in, slowly filling up the coffin. All the while, Paul begins to wonder if Dan is really trying to save him, or trying to keep him from turning this into an international incident, which could scar the U.S.’s already tainted reputation. Is Dan trying to keep Paul quiet until he dies?

This is top-notch storytelling here. Sparling really does a bang-up job creating tension. There are so many ticking time bombs: the battery, the signal, the air supply, the ransom, the sand, will Dan’s people find him in time? It’s all ticking down and you really feel this guy drowning – running out of options. My only fear film is whether an audience can handle being in a coffin for 80 minutes. I guess we’ll find out. But it won’t affect how solid this script is. A great read.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: One location movies should be kept SHORT. I would highly recommend they not be over 95 pages. “Buried” understood this rule and was only 80 pages long. Audiences get a little jumpy if they’re in one place for too long (blame Michael Bay). So keep the story slim.

note: (9/23/11) Since these drafts, Aaron Sorkin came on to do a final rewrite on the script, which is the one that eventually went in front of the cameras. 

To get caught up on what exactly “Moneyball” is and the drama that occurred this week, go here to find out.

Genre: Sports Bio
Premise: A general manager with the lowest payroll in baseball invents a new way of scouting involving little-known but very powerful statistics.
About: Based on a true story. Adapted from the book by Michael Lewis. Moneyball came to the attention of everyone when Sony Exec Amy Pascal shut down the movie 3 days before the start of production due to Soderbergh’s rewrite of the script (episode of Entourage anyone?)
Writers: Steven Zaillian (Dec. Draft)- Steven Soderbergh (June shooting draft) — Edit: I thought I’d mention this because people keep bringing it up. There is a May Zaillian draft that I’ve been told is quite different from the December draft I read. Some of the things I liked in that Dec. draft were missing from Zaillian’s subsequent draft (meaning it wasn’t Soderbergh’s sole choice to get rid of them).

Do you know the kind of balls it takes to shut down the production of a Brad Pitt movie? When Brad Pitt says he’ll do your movie, 20 million dollars or not, he’s doing *you* a favor. And it’s not like Pitt hasn’t picked up and walked off on a whim before. Anybody remember The Fountain? – And that was before he met the baby buyer. Nowadays Brad goes out for groceries and he comes home to two more kids. So the fact that Amy Pascal, Chairman of Sony Studios, halted production on Moneyball upon reading the most recent draft by Soderbergh is a BFD. The question is, what happened? Well, we all know Soderbergh has a seriously off-kilter approach to directing. Given some room, he’ll turn your straightforward sports tale into a series of flashbacks and flashforwards with Spanish subtitles and 97 minutes of voice over. Lucky for you, Scriptshadow’s got both drafts and will get to the bottom of this mess. Did Soderbergh destroy Moneyball? Did Pascal overreact? Read on to find out.


Baseball is a game of numbers. No other sport in the world depends more on numbers than baseball . From singles to doubles to home runs to RBIs to errors to batting averages to slugging percentages to on-base percentages, the sport *is* its numbers. And it’s those numbers that form the nucleus of Moneyball’s story.

I’m sure when I say the name Billy Beane, it doesn’t mean much to you. But you say the name Billy Beane in baseball circles, and it means a hell of a damn lot. Billy Beane is the general manager of the Oakland A’s. The Oakland A’s are one of the smallest markets in Major League Baseball. To give you an idea of how small, the Yankees payroll is 120 million dollars. The A’s payroll? 40 million. Do the math. So the question is: How do you compete in a league where every other team has at least twice as much money as you do?

Billy is a complicated man. He loves the grind but hates watching the fruits of his labor. Billy doesn’t travel with the team. He doesn’t watch the games. He doesn’t like any of the players. All he cares about is putting together a team that wins. Unfortunately, his 40 million dollar payroll has made that next to impossible. Early on, Billy is with his girlfriend, getting ready to escape to a tropical island. But Billy gets a call on his cell, and that call leads to a few more calls, and the next thing you know, a trade is going down. He smiles politely to his girlfriend, hands her his ticket, and says, “Go ahead. I’ll meet you there in a few days.” And leaves! It’s the perfect introduction to Billy because that action, that sequence, tells us exactly who he is.

You see, Billy just lost the three best players on his team and has been told by his owner that he’s only got a few million bucks to replace them. So Billy heads off to another tropical paradise, Cleveland, to discuss some trades with the GM of the Indians, Mark Shapiro. Billy is particularly interested in a player named “Rincon”, someone so low on Shapiro’s radar that he barely recognizes the name. After Shapiro agrees in principle to a trade, a previously unseen nerdy 20-something on a laptop walks over and whispers into Shapiro’s ear. He slinks back to the couch and Shapiro calmly turns to Billy, “I’m sorry, you can’t have Rincon.” Billy spins back and glares at this mystery kid. “Who the fuck are you??” his eyes say. But the kid is already back to his computer. This kid’s name is Paul.

Billy corners Paul outside the building and demands to know what the hell he told Shapiro. The argument turns into dinner, and Paul lays out his approach to baseball. He’s calculated every single statistic known to baseball and only one is inexorably tied to winning: On-base percentage. Since everyone else is obsessed with home runs and RBIs, this stat has been relatively ignored. Paul believes that if you create a team full of only players with high on-base percentages (A stat so insignificant that you could get the players for dirt cheap) you could theoretically win all the time. Billy thinks Paul might be crazy, but he’s up shit creek anyway, so he hires him.

Billy and Paul then apply this untested strategy in the face of years of baseball experience. The idea that you can look at a spreadsheet, and not at the player himself, when putting together a team, causes all sorts of drama inside the A’s organization. Essentially, Billy assembles a rag-tag motley crew of rejects with high on-base percentages. When Oakland quickly falls into last place, the drama only gets worse. But the stubborn Billy and Paul stick together, and in the end their faith pays off, as Oakland ends the season with a 20-game win streak, the single longest win-streak in American League history.

The only problem with the script is that it gets too wrapped up in its details, too wrapped up in its numbers. We follow the A’s through an entire season and, not unlike keeping tabs on a real baseball season, it’s hard to stay focused. Late in the script I was myself asking that age old question: What’s driving the story? The best I could come up with is: the curiosity of whether the stats system is going to work. But in that black hole where stories go to die known as the second half of the second act, there isn’t enough to remind us of this – to keep us focused – and the story loses some luster as a result. The question is, did Soderbergh address this issue in his rewrite and, more importantly, what else did he address? We’ll talk about that in a second. But in regards to Zaillian’s draft, I’m going to recommend the read. Sure it wandered. But I’ve always been fascinated by the jobs of General Managers, and this gave me some great insight into their world.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

Script Link: Moneyball (link taken down by request)

SODERBERGH DRAFT (dated 6-22-09)
note: Bad news. I cannot post this draft. It’s got Sony markings all over it and you’ll just have to trust me when I say it wouldn’t be a good idea.

So was it *that* bad? I mean, studios go into production all the time with terrible scripts. Particularly when huge actors like Pitt are involved. So what made Pascal put her foot down? What made her embark on a decision that would taint the project from now til release? I’ll tell you what. A bad script. Soderbergh really screwed this up. Moneyball wasn’t Chinatown, but at least it was a story. Soderbergh’s turned it into a mishmash of ideas in search of a point. It’s like he yanked the sail off the boat and let us drift out to sea.

It’s hard to point to any one change that ruined the script, but there are several troublesome choices that were made. Remember that early scene where Billy leaves his girlfriend at the airport? That scene told us everything we needed to know about who we’d be following for the next two hours. What does Soderbergh do instead? He has Billy meet Paul in one of the most basic, uninteresting introductions to two characters I’ve seen in a long time. The two stand around and proceed to tell us (er, I mean each other) exactly who they are.
JP said you’re the guy I should be talking to.

JP is great.

JP is great. He said you just got promoted.

Yeah, I was advance scouting and I was just made Special Assistant to the GM.

Well, Cleveland’s a monster franchise. I think John Hart and Mark Shapiro are super smart. They got a good thing going.

I have to say, it’s nice knowing at the beginning of the year that you’re probably going to the playoffs.

I’ll bet.

I hear you’re extended.

Yeah, four years. It’s good, you know. I can watch things happen. And we’re close to getting a new stadium.

Which you need.

Which we definitely need. So let me ask you. Can you work spreadsheets and all that stuff, like Excel? Can you manage a payroll?


Great, because I suck at that…
Yes, instead of that great scene where the mysterious Paul walks up and whispers into Shapiro’s ear, we now get, “So let me ask you: can you work spreadsheets and all that stuff?”

The draft was an Exposition Empire, with characters blurting out all sorts of things we needed to know without a hint of subtlety. I kept thinking I was at a museum listening to a tour guide, “And here we have Billy. Billy has discovered a secret set of numbers. He will now try to apply them to his team and hopefully win in the process.” All the fun from the first draft is gone here. The dramatization. The subtext. It’s vanished, not unlike the Montreal Expos.

Also gone are most of Billy’s scenes with his daughter, the only true relationship with another human being he has, and therefore the only thing that humanizes him – Billy’s drifting from woman to woman (Although there’s only scarce mention of it – he appears to be married in Soderbergh’s version), the flashbacks of Billy as a player (replaced by interviews with real people who played with Billy) and that feeling of, “Billy and Paul against the world,” stemming from their unique system and how it flies in the face of 150 years of baseball – probably the most exciting part of the story.

But the biggest faux-pas is the handling of the all-important “on-base percentage” stat. This is what the A’s figured out that everybody else ignored – the hidden statistic that was the key to their success. It’s what allows them to compete with half the salary of all the other teams. This is the movie. Yet here it’s treated like an afterthought. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you what the A’s secret to success was in Soderbergh’s draft. It’s implied that there’s a spreadsheet involved but the explanation stops there. A spreadsheet of never-explained numbers? That’s how the team wins? That’s your hook for the movie?

Look, Soderbergh is the kind of director that likes to find his movies in the editing room. Shoot a bunch of stuff, see what sticks. If something doesn’t connect logically , throw some voiceover in there and add a little score. That seems to be his plan of attack with Moneyball. I don’t know what the final movie would look like so I couldn’t definitively tell you if he would of salvaged this, but I do know he turned a solid script into an incomprehensible mess. And that’s why his movie was shut down.

[x] a mess
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Don’t write a sports movie. They’re too difficult to write. If the team ends up winning in the end, it feels overly-sappy and cliche. If you go with a grittier more realistic approach, it comes off as boring and self-important. Lose-lose. If you must ignore my advice, go with either a boxing movie or a true story (like this one). But just know that writing a good sports movie is RFH (really fucking hard) and selling one is even harder. Take my advice and don’t do it.

Leave your pick in the comments section, my e-mail, Scott’s site, or Scott’s e-mail. Please do not e-mail me asking for any of these scripts unless you’re my BFF. How do you become my BFF? By sending me newly sold specs. Duh.

Here are the choices…

“Kidnap” (Knate Gwaltney): After her son is kidnapped at a local mall, a woman embarks on a chase to save him. Genre: Thriller

“Witchita” (Patrick O’Neill): Story revolves around a single chick who has terrible luck with men, but meets a mysterious, handsome man on a blind date. The mysterious man is actually a secret agent who pops in and out of the woman’s life. Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz attached. Genre: Action-Comedy

“Father of Invention” (Trent Cooper, Johnathan Krane & Nicole Beattie): Story centers on a humble inventor-turned-egomaniacal billionaire who loses it all when one of his inventions goes horribly awry. After eight years in federal prison, he returns bankrupt, homeless and determined to rebuild his reputation and fortune. Kevin Spacey attached. Genre: Comedy

“The True Memoirs of an International Assassin” (Jeff Morris): After a publisher changes a writer’s debut novel about a deadly assassin from fiction to nonfiction, the author finds himself thrust into the world of his lead character, and must take on the role of his character for his own survival. Genre: Action-Thriller

“The Heartbreaker” (Alec Ward): Comedy about a guy hired to break hearts. Genre: Comedy