Do you feel overlooked?  Do you have an amazing short you believe I didn’t see the brilliance of?  Want to prove it?  Well, here’s your shot.  For anyone who submitted a short script that did not get reviewed, feel free to pitch it right here in the comments section and post a link to your short.  Maybe I missed a few good ones.  Or maybe someone here can tell you why your short wasn’t up to snuff.  Excited to see how the discussion goes.  Time to play!

  • Bad Jelly

    Did you actually read all the scripts you were sent?

    • The Mulberry Tree

      I’m sure he didn’t…or at least I hope he didn’t. 1,000 short scripts is a Hell of a task for one man to undertake. It probably went through a filtering system: Intern – Reader – Assistant – Carson…something like that. Either way, I’m sure every submitted script was read by someone. Just my opinion. Thanks for taking the time and giving us the break downs on shorts. Cheers.

      • carsonreeves1

        What I did was I gave everything at least ten pages (which I said I would in the original Shorts Announcement). That gave me enough time to get through everything.

    • carsonreeves1

      My assistant and I did, yes.

  • Poe_Serling

    Ready… set… go!

    • The Mulberry Tree

      Poe, I would be very interested in reading some of your works…if you ever feel like sharing(sharing is caring), please feel free to send anything my way. Koalameatpies@gmail.com

      • Poe_Serling

        Thanks for the kind offer, Mulberry… perhaps I will take you up on it in the near future.

  • AJMockler

    Interested if you’ll be running another shorts week at some point down the road, Carson? I’ve really enjoyed the work and analyses, and I expect, like me, most of us who submitted have more than one short they’d like to see in with a chance of a Scriptshadow review.

  • Jake

    I’ll play.

    HARD COSTS
    Dark Comedy; 11 pages
    Logline: A shell of a man takes desperate measures to afford his dream girl, as her father demands payment to continue the relationship.

    https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bw5Si135Gad0eVdMWTNNNDgzOVU/edit?usp=sharing

    I have a director attached, and we’re aiming to shoot in this spring. It covers the SS basics: goal, urgency, stakes, and my favorite, lots of twists and turns. It’s a very messed up piece. After reading this week’s shorts, I was a little surprised this didn’t get noticed… until I heard it was lost in a group of 1000. Hope you enjoy!

    • Jaco

      [x] Not for me.

      There were a few problems with this one. First, the premise. I didn’t buy it. Why does your main character want to marry this girl? She’s awful. There was never any setup given as to why or how he loved her. That leads to my second problem, there weren’t any characters to care about – one way or the other. I mean, your last line kind of says it all – your main character was a douche. The lady friend was a bitch. The dad was really, well, I don’t have a word for it. Maybe it stems from the fact that none of the characters’ voices were terribly unique, and the humor they tried to display felt very forced – both in a been there done that type of way as well as just plain not funny. In addition, the twists and turns seemed just that – twists and turns for twists and turns sake – there wasn’t anything that surprising or revealing at all.

      Also, a lot of unnecessary wordage in these 11 pages – for a short, this read was very slow.

      But, that’s just my two cents. Great job on getting a director attached – that’s got to be pretty exciting. Maybe this will play better on the screen than it does the page. Make sure to come back with the link when the film is completed. Good luck with your future writing.

      Cheers.

      • Jake

        The tone was the script was such that the premise wasn’t meant to be believable. Nothing that happens in the script is believable. We don’t need to know why he likes her, just that he does–which is set up right away.

        The rest is fair, I think you’re looking at it with kind of a feature lens though when the whole thing is meant to be ridiculous. Right right, a lot of how that comes through will depend on the direction. Thanks for reading!

    • ZellJr

      Quite an interesting piece. I can’t agree with Jaco in his assessments, particularly about the characters. I thought the tone made it very clear that this was all supposed to be very ridiculous and silly. Which it was, and which I enjoyed. I also read this extremely fast. Didn’t feel like a long read at all. The premise is perfectly fine.

      However, the twists and turns did feel like just twists and turns. They didn’t seem to serve an overall theme so much, and as a result, felt a bit detached from the story.

      I also felt like the characters had clear, distinct voices. Tellman reminded me a lot of Mr. Lebowski. The girl was just ditzy. And the protagonist reminded me of Slevin from Lucky Number Slevin. So no I didn’t feel as though any of the characters sounded even remotely similar.

      However, the biggest area for me would be the story. It was engaging up to a point but it never quiet paid off. I feel like this would be a strong script if you could tie it up with a strong theme.

      Good entry.

  • klmn

    I don’t have a short I want to promote, but one of my feature scripts is on the amateur offerings section of this weeks newsletter:

    Title: Corridor Of Freaks – http://www.sendspace.com/file/4rzodr
    Genre: Black comedy/horror.
    Logline: Animal rights activists break into a research lab where they encounter horrific semi-human examples of genetic engineering gone astray, while trying to avoid becoming the next test subjects.

    I invite you to take a look, and email Carson your thoughts, good or bad. (Maybe you shouldn’t email him your thoughts on your 12 year old neighbor. That’s a little too creepy.)

    • Poe_Serling

      I just took a peek inside klmn’s mind – oops, I mean script… it’s a lean and mean 90 pages and even with a cursory glance I know it’s going to be a super quick read. A big plus in my book.

      • klmn

        Take a stroll through my mind. I dare you.

        I live by the words of Salvador Dali. “The difference between a mad man and me is that I am not mad.”

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      I have set this aside to read it next week (didn’t have time these past few days because of work – translating short scripts for a French anthology, actually, right up there with the SS Shorts week). I’m looking forward to it, sounds like just my thing :-) I’ll let you know what I think.

      • klmn

        Thank you. But don’t just send your thoughts to me – send them to Carson too!

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Don’t worry, that was the plan too since it went out in the newsletter ;-)

  • Bdutta20

    Title: Infinite
    Genre: Sci-fi Thriller
    Logline: A teenager, who has the power to jump through time by killing himself,
    tries desperately to save a girl from being murdered, soon coming to
    realize that the fate of the universe hangs in the balance.

    I’m sixteen and I wrote and directed this script over the summer. I’m sure there are many shorts that are much better but as someone trying to start out in the industry, and as someone who shares your passion for film, I’d love to hear some analysis and constructive criticism. If you’d like to see a trailer, let me know! Thanks, guys!

    Link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/mm7wxy

    • carsonreeves1

      My assistant liked your short. We almost reviewed it. :)

      • Bdutta20

        Thanks Carson. That really means a lot. :)

    • Jaco

      Post a link to the trailer.

    • Michael

      Sixteen? Wow, great job. I can’t wait to see the film. I’m afraid to think what you’ll accomplish at seventeen. This is the best way to have a film career, don’t wait to be discovered, make your own career happen.

      • klmn

        Yes.

      • Bdutta20

        Thank you so much. Everyone here at SS inspires me a lot, because rejection is so hard to face, and everyone here puts their heart and soul out in the open to be mauled. But, that’s what leads to success! I can honestly say that six months at SS have taught me most of what I know about screenwriting. Cheers!

    • GYAD

      That was a very enjoyable read. A great opening, a solid mystery hook, a nice ticking time clock. The ending was the only thing that felt a little underpowered to me. However, it’s brilliant to hear that you’ve already made the short yourself…and at only 16. Jeez, now you’re definitely an active protagonist! Best of luck with your short, I hope you go far.

      • Bdutta2096

        Thank you so much! I agree, the ending was the biggest problem for me, and this version was only done in two drafts so it doesn’t quite live up to everything else. But thanks, I will be sure to share it with the SS community! :)

    • klmn

      Good job. You definitely have talent. But the idea of accomplishing something by committing suicide is too Marshall Applewhite for me.

      • Bdutta20

        Thanks! I’m not too familiar with Applewhite but from my knowledge, he’s more religion-based, right? On the final film, I’m going to put a disclaimer about the whole suicide thing, cautioning against it. We just thought it was visually and thematically exciting and unique.

  • gazrow

    Thanks for the opportunity Carson!

    PSYCHOtherapist – A therapist has an unorthodox method for helping his suicidal patients… the treatment is to die for.

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/y2ujq5

    Never uploaded a file to sendspace before, so hopefully I did it right and the link works?!

    Big thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and comment on this.

    • Poe_Serling

      This short is classic gazrow… an awesome blend of thrill/chills and cheeky humor… a edgy sort of Twilight Zone for the New Millennium … and make sure you don’t leave the theater in the last five minutes.

      • gazrow

        Thanks Poe. Means a lot. Getting read is an uphill battle. So knowing someone read PSYCHOtherapist and liked it – is pretty awesome!

    • klmn

      I like this one a lot, but the final twist didn’t work for me. I think it works better without that last reveal.

      The opening is great, very visual but it would be difficult to film.

      On p18 the doctor picks a branch off “the floor.” Since they’re outside, I think you mean the ground.

      I don’t like the blank cartridge bit. Blanks are deadly at close range, and to show a character goofing around with them might encourage an ignorant person to do the same. Check out this bio (read to the end).

      http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0382149/bio

      I think this script could be developed into a feature length script. Think about it.

      • gazrow

        Thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Re: the imdb link – what a terrible tragedy.

        As for PSYCHOtherapist, I agree it could be developed into a feature. Hopefully, a producer/director will see its potential.

    • AJMockler

      Very nice script gazrow, and I personally loved the ending. Not sure it would sustain for a feature, but would love to see this made as it is. Great work.

      • gazrow

        Thanks so much for giving this a read. Glad you like it! I agree about the ending – though I am admittedly biased!

  • ZellJr

    Wasn’t this just adorable. I quite liked this. It was a bit rough at the start, but once I fell into the world I was at ease. There are a few grammatical issues, a past-tense here, some misplaced descriptions, etc. They were distracting at the time, but overall, the payoff was quite worth it.

    The idea of her thinking he was a minor was hilarious on its own. But then adding that he shows her his driver’s license, the payoff hits.

    Good job.

    • James Burrough

      Thanks :) I’m really pleased you like it.

  • http://twitter.com/EyeMTheWalrus A.P.W.

    Title: Side Effects May Vary
    Genre: Comedy
    Logline: A married couple gets more than it bargained for when the wife starts taking a new drug for low libido.
    Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_ttL0QbONbCSkMzVlE4dTJjbjQ/edit?usp=sharing

    I could probably cut the page count in half if anyone wanted to film this.

    • GYAD

      I thought that was quite entertaining, although it feels more like the blueprint for a feature movie and the use of a minor celebrity from yesteryear (Gary Busey here) is all used up. If I’m honest, I prefer screwball to modern vulgar sex comedies but this was fairly enjoyable for that genre.

  • Antonio F.

    Here’s mine. Some of you might have read it.
    https://www.dropbox.com/s/4sr4p0o40fx7jns/John%20Beard%20FINAL.pdf

    Title: John Beard
    Genre: Comedy
    Logline: John Beard
    decides to kick his depression in the nuts and finally move on with his
    life. But there’s something in the way of success: his evergrowing beard.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      I have to admit, Antonio, that your log made me chuckle, so good job on that. If I have time I will check this out later.

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey :-)
      Haha, loved your script and it’s surreal take on John’s shortcomings :-D
      A little heavy on the writing front but a lot of fun to read and visualize.
      I like short movies that seem absurd but are actually metaphors for the character’s main flaw/problem.
      Well done !

      • Antonio F.

        Thanks for reading! That’s my idea for shorts too! :)

  • Ambrose*

    It was an interesting week here at the Scriptshadow mothership, Carson.
    Definitely a breath of fresh air.

    And by your own comments this week when reviewing the scripts it seems that you’ve come to learn about and appreciate the art of crafting a good short film script.
    Shorter doesn’t necessarily mean easier.

    One of the most interesting short films I’ve ever seen, and one that’s stuck with me over the many years since I first saw it, is one titled, ‘Silent Snow, Secret Snow’, based on the short story by Conrad Aiken.

    And it’s interesting to see the Oscar-nominated short films which come from around the world each year when they’re released on DVD.

  • Tor Dollhouse

    Title: 2BR02B (6 pages excl. Title & Poster)

    Link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/as7fnm

    Genre: Sci-Fi // Thriller

    Logline: An arrogant artist is taken hostage and now must
    question what he believes in before he is executed in cold blood.

    Originally a short story by Kurt Vonnegut,
    now found in the public domain: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/21279

    Enjoy reading.

    • Jaco

      Title page did nothing to enhance the read – in fact, it seems completely random and not related to what 2BR02B is about.

      The quote on the second page did nothing either – and you might want to remove “first draft” – that put the read down a notch already – because reading it makes me think this is a first go around for your attempt at adapting Vonnegut’s story into a short.

      I think 2BR02B has the potential to make an interesting short – but your script needs a lot more work to get there. Right now it just feels like you took the spine of the story and tried mixing and matching pieces with no particular reason for doing so. Or, if you did have a reason, they didn’t add to helping understand the story at all.

      Vonnegut’s short story works because there’s enough detail given to understand exactly what the story’s about. Your script loses a lot of the important details, or changes them in such a way that it is impossible to follow what’s going on. In doing so, the short becomes confusing and, honestly, quite static and boring.

      Also – and I’m sure this is just because it’s a first draft and something you’d get on clean up – but you have a number of spelling/grammar errors. It’s just six pages – should be easy to pick up.

      Keep at it though – try six or seven drafts and be brutally honest with yourself and your writing. Then do another three and compare that effort with this one. If there’s no difference, then, well . . . let’s just hope there is a difference.

      Cheers.

      • Tor Dollhouse

        Thanks for giving my script a chance and taking the time to provide quality and useful feedback that is easy to identify. Sorry about the spelling/grammar.

        Peace.

    • GYAD

      I remember reading this short story ages ago and finding it fairly effective. However, I’m less sure about this adaptation; it seems too much of a confused jumble. It might be better to just tell the story clearly from A-Z without flicking around.

  • GYAD

    Thanks for giving us a platform Carson. Here’s my short.

    TITLE: French Kiss
    GENRE: Science-Fiction/Action
    LOGLINE: In a future dominated by biotechnology, when he is infected with a dangerous virus by a female gene-hacker, a reckless French cop must hunt her down through the most dangerous areas of Paris and get the antidote within 20 hours before the virus can destroy his brain.
    LINK: http://www.sendspace.com/file/gk2ooz

    I wrote it for the competition, so it’s very much written for Carson (sci-fi, lots of action, GSU) but I tried to add a twist (it is set in futuristic France). I’ve already received two excellent critiques and look forward to improving my writing with the help of the ScriptShadow Nation.

    • Poe_Serling

      Hey GYAD-

      Solid effort from start to finish. Major asset: Your edgy, intense writing style matched the action of the story.

      Minor quibble:

      INT. BLACK VAN

      Two men driving, three in the back. The Team: JOHNNY CAMERONE, DO CAO TRI, BIGEARD, LANGLAIS, TRINQUIER. They wear balacalavas & body armour, load shotguns. Nod to the music. Like a football team pumping up before a big game.

      **Kinda confused me when you introduced the characters with their masks still on and then you reintroduce them individually as the story rolls on. I might go with something like this (remember it’s just a friendly suggestion) to avoid the double introductions and safe time/space:

      INT. BLACK VAN – NIGHT

      A team of five. They were balacalavas and body armour. Like a football squad pumping up before a big game, the figures nod to the music and load their shotguns.

      **Now just introduce Johnny and etc. as they come to the forefront of your story.
      Good luck with it. Thanks for sharing.

      • GYAD

        Thanks Poe. MWire, in his critique, brought up the double introduction of the team too, so it’s definitely something to rework. I’d be very interested to hear MZG’s take too, especially as whilst I’ve spent a lot of time in France…I’ve never been to Paris!

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Like I said somewhere above, I haven’t had time to check in this week because of work. But I’m going through comments right now, downloading the scripts that catch my attention and yours did even before I saw Poe’s and your subsequent response :-) Reading this tomorrow, will let you know ;-)

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      This concept really sounds like it has potential, though I think the log needs to be shortened. I suggest removing from the log elements that are not essential to hooking the reader. Don’t remove them from the story. Just the log.

    • Thunk24

      My idea of a short is just that – short, unexpected, lean on dialogue and single-minded, with maybe a twist at the end. That doesn’t mean French Kiss isn’t a good read, I just don’t see it as a short. I’d love to see a ruthlessly edited 10-15 page version.

      • GYAD

        Fair enough. I must admit, I’ve never written a short before and I got the concept of Shorts Week wrong and wrote more of a short feature script than a script for a short film. Another lesson for next time.

    • MWire

      I recommend French Kiss. It has the MWire seal of approval (for whatever that’s worth).

      It needs a little work here and there and I’m not sure how American audiences would respond to it. But it has a very solid spine and plenty of GSU.

      • GYAD

        Thanks MWire, your critique via email was top notch.

    • nawazm10

      Just gave this a read.

      I want to call it enjoyable but the read wasn’t really fulfilling. I mean, essentially nothing really happens. It’s basically a normal day on the job, at least that’s what I found from it. It felt like a bunch of cool scenes added into one big short. A lot of action which doesn’t really lead anywhere. There was no bigger picture, no twist to carry the script.

      Wire mentions the script has a solid spine with GSU. Although that’s true, that’s not the only key to a good short. What’s really lacking here, like I mentioned above, a fulfilling story. I just can’t help but think that we’re back to the beginning of the story when the script ends. Hopefully you know where I’m coming from, I tend to ramble a lot in my reviews!

      The premise is good, you’ve set up a nice little universe here. I’m glad you made the effort to thoroughly research French culture, shows you care.

      The writing was pretty solid for the most part but I’d consider looking back and trying to get rid of “is”. There were a few instances where you could’ve easily replaced it with an active verb.

      Good luck!

      • GYAD

        Thanks. I think you’re quite right; this is essentially a “monster of the week” type affair in which the aim is to restore the status quo. It might work as a TV episode but it doesn’t work so well in a short. Which is a lesson I’ve tucked away for later.

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey there :-)

      I just read your script and I liked it a lot ! It’s very French in tone – the beginning even reminded me a little of the movie NID DE GUEPES ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0280990/?ref_=sr_1 ) which is an unavowed remake of Carpenter’s ASSAULT (but I mean that as a compliment). This would be great for a French director.

      As Poe points out, I also think it’s unnecessary to introduce your characters in the van but that’s easy to fix. The overall story is a good, fun ride with more touches of Carpenter in there (ESCAPE FROM NY). Good points for you ! I like your characters and the one-liners made me smile (obviously, they’re funnier for someone who “gets” them, they may be lost on an american audience…). And genetically modified monkeys ? A guard hyena ? Hell yeah :D

      Thanks for posting, this gets a [xx] Worth the read from me.

      • GYAD

        Thanks a lot for your kind words MZG. It’s definitely nice to be compared to John Carpenter. I’m also very glad it passed the French test – I was inspired by EuropaCorp and Olivier Marchal films, as well as many of the recent policier films/television series. I’ll definitely be changing the introduction of the characters.

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Good references, I like Marchal’s films a lot !
          It’s a very visual script, I hope it’ll get made somehow ;-)

    • New_E

      Will give this a read too. If it’s as good as your general take on movies and insightful comments – this should be good!

      E

    • Magnus McCullagh

      I thought that one good turn deserved another. Here’s what I thought of French Kiss:

      Wow! That’s a pretty intense short there, although I agree with the above that it’s more like a mini-feature with its three distinct acts. I don’t really see that as a problem though. Well researched, tonnes of cool and innovative ideas and constant action drag you
      through the story at a serious pace. I do think that it’s missing some kind of satisfying resolution, a twist ending or just a little ‘POP’ as Carson put it; a callback of some kind to give the story a more cohesive feel. In general the story could’ve done with more set-ups and pay-offs, as it exists very much on the ‘moment by moment’ level at present. John Carpenter comparisons are entirely justified and it also reminds me a bit of Dan Houser’s writing: Irreverent dialogue, lots of pithy comebacks, gleefully un-PC scenarios and not a whole lot of subtext. It’s all out there, all the time. Which makes for a good, fun, testosterone fuelled read. Zack Snyder to direct.

      • GYAD

        Thanks for your kind words Magnus. I completely agree about the ending needing more of an impact and about the lack of setups/payoffs. It’s definitely something to fix.

  • nawazm10

    I’ll give this a try! :)

    Title: The Look on Her Face
    Genre: Drama, Thriller
    Logline: In the midst of a mass, religious killing, a man is brainwashed into murdering his daughter with unimaginable consequences.

    http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheLookOnHerFace.pdf

    As much as I’d love a director to be attached, I know it’s never going to happen. Mostly because the script is very confronting, makes you feel as if you were actually there in the room with this cult leader, watching him force seemingly average people kill each other.

    Many people seem to like it – and if you get to the end, I’m sure you will too. :)

    • Jaco

      Yeah – I would think that this story could be approached from about 100 different ways that would get someone interested in making it. The way you handle it – no way.

      SPOILER:

      Let me see if I get the story here:

      Dad kills his daughter. Dad’s penitence is to have to relive her death over and over and over and over (which in turn means we, the audience, have to watch her get killed over and over and over?)

      Sorry, man, f that. From someone who doesn’t mind delving into dark subject matter – this one’s just so bleak, depressing, and really devoid of any sort of theme that I can relate to.

    • GYAD

      I’m afraid I didn’t like this very much. It was too emotionally manipulative, American evangelical Christians are too easy a target and I found the ending, on which everything hinges, to be underwhelming.

      It’s a decent subject but the problem is that you’re focusing on the action (the killing) when the meat of the story is either in the brainwashing process or the post-event grief.

    • nawazm10

      Thanks for the reads, guys! I appreciate it. :)

      I’m a little busy at the moment but I’ll be sure to check your shorts soon.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      I thought this was very clever and with some adjustments to the violence would be very producible. A director with imagination and an inclination for the dark twist could work with this writer and possibly make something special. It does need to be further developed and thought out as a concept, but if the reader sticks it out til the end they’ll see why this script really has enormous potential.

      • nawazm10

        Thanks, Kevin! I appreciate it! :)

    • Magnus McCullagh

      I don’t mind the dark tone so much, but I do find the ending underwhelming (and a little confusing). Clearly there is a big debt to Run Lola Run and/or Source Code but the concept is contextualised in a way that makes it appear fresh. This is a big plus. But the ‘big reveal’ takes place half way through and the ending doesn’t better it (which it needs to really). The dialogue is far too ‘on the nose’ for my taste. (eg. “only death in
      masses shall help you evade hellfire” – what if he focuses on the positives? we can see the carnage, so what if he speaks of God’s ‘enduring love’, ‘ascension’, ‘the next step’ etc.? – juxtaposition is dramatic). At least throw in some subtext – scenes without subtext are a nightmare for actors, especially if the action is this intense. It all ends up being very ‘hammy’ and no actor wants to be ‘hammy’.

      One final thing; if you want to get it made, don’t think about it being happy/sad, depressing/uplifting, simply think about making something which can be made cheaply and go and make friends with some aspiring directors/producers. Remember there is no direct cash return on shorts, so where’s the money coming from? What investor is going to give it to you? If you shoot in a church what kind of church is going to let you film this kind of thing for free there? How many extras do you know who want to be set in a pile of dead bodies for the duration of the shoot? Who do you know with a $10k Arri Alexa camera capable of shooting good looking slo-mo? This is a very expensive short. That’s fine! But then it’s got to be perfect before anyone will make it.

      If you just want to hone your craft write whatever. If you want it to get made, write it cheap (that doesn’t mean boring – see Carson’s GSU article).

      Best of luck with your future screenplays!

      • nawazm10

        Hey Magnus! Thanks for the read! :)

        The big reveal in the middle of the script did take a little long to get to but I thought I’d get rid of all the boring parts first and get to the real story as fast as I can. What I’m thinking of doing in the rewrite is that as he progresses through each ‘jump’, we find out the why/who/where there instead of a big exposition load at the beginning.

        Yeah, the dialogue could use some work! The script was written in a few days for a little challenge on the SimplyScripts discussion board. I think I just wanted to get to the heart of the story and didn’t focus on the dialogue as much as I should have.

        Hey, if someone wants to make it, that’s great but it’s a very, very slim chance and I’m really not expecting anything. This was more of a writing exercise rather than wanting it to be filmed. And like you mentioned, a script with a budget this big needs to be perfect and this is far from it.

        Thanks! You too. :)

  • Jaco

    Not too bad – looking forward to seeing how it works on the screen.

    Would have recommended cleaning it up a bit before posting.

    Only thing I would have changed was the challenge ID part – felt like that bit could have moved a titch faster – I think it would make the payoff work even better than it did.

  • GYAD

    A very enjoyable (and film-able) one-joke script. Incompetent criminals have always been funny and this was no exception. I look forward to viewing the short.

  • Thunk24

    Another lamb to the slaughter. This script actually made the top 10 of a New Zealand Writer’s Guild comp a few years ago. Unfortunately, it didn’t make Carson’s five.

    Title: THE BUTTON
    Genre: DRAMA

    Logline: A teenage girl finds comfort in the voice of a car park ticketing machine and when it becomes an obsession, plays a dangerous cat and mouse game with a conscientious security guard.

    Link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/l7re31

    • GYAD

      Whilst there was a certain sweetness to this, I feel it is rather longer than it needs to be (the writing could be leaner) and that it isn’t long enough (the game between girl and guard is too simple and short).

      The guard also feels a bit under-utilised in such a short script. It would be nice if he had some characterisation that complimented the girl. Perhaps he’s trying to listen to a football game on the radio in his office but keeps being dragged away by the girl’s antics.

      • Thunk24

        Thanks for the feedback GYAD. My turn to read yours.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

    THE GYPSY MOUSE OF BUCHENWALD

    A Gypsy girl in a Nazi concentration camp uses magic to keep her brother alive but pays a price for guarding her secret.

    https://dl.dropbox.com/u/23506683/The%20Gypsy%20Mouse%20of%20Buchenwald.pdf

    This short won me a treasured coffee mug from Simplyscripts.com, the sum extent of my screenwriting earnings to date. Should I declare it on my tax return?

    • Poe_Serling

      Hey Kevin-

      Excellent job. A very creative and original story with the setting, sense of urgency among the prisoners, gypsy magic and such.

      For me, your short had the emotional punch of the classic TZ epsiode “Deaths-Head Revisted’ written by Rod Serling.

      Here’s the powerful closing monologue from that partiuclar episode:

      “The Dachaus, the Belsens, the Buchenwalds, the Auschwitzes – all of them. They must remain standing because they are a monument to a moment in time when some men decided to turn the Earth into a graveyard. Into it they shoveled all of their reason, their logic, their knowledge, but worst of all their conscience. And the moment we forget this, the moment we cease to be haunted by its remembrance, then we become the gravediggers.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

        I’m a big TZ fan! I wrote a short a ways back that was inspired by the episode where a man dies with his dog and is at first confused, and when he learns of their fate, he then comes to a fateful decision at the gate of heaven where they won’t let his dog in. That was always my favorite episode! In my version, there was an army captain in Afghanistan who dies with his dog partner and ends up at a mysterious train station where sirens are going off and everyone is urgently boarding trains.

        Pitch, Geoff and Poe…thanks for the reads.

        • Poe_Serling

          Yeah, the TZ episode The Hunt is a sentimental treat.

          “Upon returning from a coon hunt, Hyder Simpson discovers that no one can see or hear him because he has passed on.”

          It starred legendary rural character actor Arthur Hunnicutt and written by Earl “The Waltons” Hamner…. talk about a match made in ‘heaven.’ ;-)

          • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

            I always thought that the episode, which is my favorite anyway, would have been even more powerful if the heaven he chose to leave behind was the real one. I know it’s not quite our image of heaven where dogs are not allowed, but it would have made his decision that much more powerful.

        • pitchblack

          Actually, this is my other favorite of Kevs! (I’m a huge dog fan, so this one was bound to hit hard. Prefer it to even Mice and Monsters.)

      • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

        THE STATION
        https://dl.dropbox.com/u/23506683/the%20station2.1.pdf

        Here’s my Twilight Zone inspired story. A soldier and his faithful dog find themselves at a strange train station where their loyalty is tested.

        • Poe_Serling

          Nicely done and another winner in my opinion… you seem to have a real flair for these kind of stories. Plus, it’s a rock solid script even without the respectful nod to the TZ episode that inspired it.

          • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

            Thanks, and I am glad you have rekindled my interest in TZ. I believe they are all on Netflix. Time to revisit them!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504312752 Geoff Breedwell

      Kevin–

      Great script. I enjoyed the reading. The mouse ploy with the gypsy magic was fun, and it brought a bit of magic to an otherwise dark time for our world. One thing to add power is if maybe she sees her body and her friend’s body being carried out. Good job. I enjoyed it.

    • Malibo Jackk

      I keep getting Error 404.
      (assume you took down the post)

      • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

        I didn’t take it down,don’t know what happened. Replaced it though, seems ok now. Thanks Jack.

        • Malibo Jackk

          It works now.
          Cool fable. Enjoyed it.
          What was your inspiration — an old gypsy legend?
          Also liked the other. Two good shorts.

          • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

            Actually, I had read a book called Brothers Grim Folk Legends. It’s a 2 volume collection of myths and legends from around Germany, separate from the famous fairy tales. There were a few stories that showed people that were able to travel from their body in the form of an animal. From this was added the Gypsy angle and Buchenwald, as well as the idea that they could take possession of someone sleeping(like a guard) by entering the body. Thanks for reading, Jack, much appreciated.

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey Kevin :-)

      I read THE STATION and GYPSY MOUSE and I must say I’m a little impressed here… Very good writing, great atmosphere and both stories are very much in tone with the TWILIGHT ZONE series. I especially enjoyed THE STATION, it gave me goosebumps. Thanks for posting both and hope to read more from you one day :-)

      • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

        Thank you very much, Marija. I will keep an eye out for your work as well. If you want to post one here I will give it a read. Amazing how many of us love those old Twilights!

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Well, I live in France so I write only in French but thanks :-)
          I almost translated and sent in a short that I wrote last year and that I’d like to direct myself but not on my own. I’d like to have a producer behind me for financing, actors, and such.
          I regret not doing it ‘cos it would’ve been a great opportunity to get feedback on the script itself. Oh well, next time :-)

          • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

            Your English seems excellent. Post it and people can help if anything sounds off.

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey James-

    Your short was a lot of fun… I could see it as a skit on the Comedy Central show Key & Peele.

  • carsonreeves1

    I’ve seen good comedy on the page. It’s rare, and the writers who achieve it are really talented, but you can find it.

    • http://twitter.com/EyeMTheWalrus A.P.W.

      True. But when was the last time a sci-fi or action film’s best parts were improvised? With comedy, if the situation and characters are set up properly, you can make it better while filming. But even getting the characters and situations to feel organic but still have comic potential is difficult.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504312752 Geoff Breedwell

    Here we go. Let’s see what you think…

    SNIPER. — A high school student must evade the Sniper’s crosshairs during class, without telling anyone, or everyone in his family dies.

    http://www.stage32.com/sites/stage32.com/files/sniper_screenplay_final_-_20130117.pdf
    Enjoy!!

    • ChinaSplash2

      The link doesn’t seem to be working.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

        Link still down. I’ll try back later if I remember.

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey screengold-
    I couldn’t get access to your script…. it’s prompting me to sign in with an email acct. and password… is that how it works with docs.goggle?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504312752 Geoff Breedwell

    I’m seeing this post. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504312752 Geoff Breedwell

    Link didn’t work for me…

    • Sherif001

      Have you read my short yet? I’d appreciate the feedback.

  • Poe_Serling

    Same here.

    • Sherif001

      Have you read my short yet? Feedback is essential.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504312752 Geoff Breedwell

    Says other people do not have access to the file.

  • Sherif001

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/kl8h08

    Maybe this should work. I’ve never used sendspace in my life.

  • Frederic Richter

    THE TAILOR:

    In 1960s NY, an unemployed Holocaust Survivor considers selling a watch with a dark and mysterious secret.

    I’m sending this via iPhone, if anyone wants to read email frichter45@gmail.com

  • http://twitter.com/RedRumFilms Noel

    Title: The Projectionist http://www.sendspace.com/file/iz5tfb
    Genre: Drama.
    Logline: A long suffering cinema owner finds himself troubled by a gang of youths, his estranged daughter and a dying business…

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/iz5tfb

  • 8thDeadlySin

    I’ll give it a shot.

    “Eyes of Colors”
    http://www.sendspace.com/file/6qwvwq

    (Social) Drama, Fantasy
    22 pages

    Logline: 14 yr old Evie longs to be popular and famous, but after a freak accident catapults her into an overnight media sensation, she quickly learns getting what you wish for can actually suck.

    I wrote this a long time ago, I don’t think anyone’s ever read it — including Carson, lwci (laughing while crying inside ;). It used to be 30 pgs but I took out a love interest, she is only 14, after all.

    I realize the log line may not be too inducing, but I’ve never tried to get anyone to read it, till now. In other words, I know it needs work.

    Any tips on getting it to 15 pgs would be awesome. Thanks

  • Liam

    Oh wow, didn’t expect this when I logged in!
    Here’s mine, it’s made finalist in Creative World Awards one year, quarter finalists/semi-finalists in a few others (Page Awards, British Short Screenplay Competition…. there were couple of others but they’re not jumping to mind)

    CLOSING THOUGHTS

    Logline: As a man plummets to his death off the side of a sky scraper, the events that led him there flash through his mind.

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/yycja0

    • jridge32

      EXT. SKY SCRAPER

      Jeremy is still falling backwards.

      Haha. Like, I guess he didn’t.. stop falling?

      The break-up (or whatever you want to call it) scene with Brandi was too quick. I know this is a short, and this character is plummeting to his death, but I needed something more than:

      “I’m sorry for misinterpreting….” He can’t finish. He wipes his eyes and turns to go. Like, a small beat between what Brandi says and what he says right after, maybe. Just a second or two where he stands there and reels from rejection, then picks his pride back up and walks away.

      Jeremy’s a pretty bland character, all around.

      Nice reversal at the end, though. Good short.

  • mcmurtrk

    “Housekeeping” (2 pages) http://www.sendspace.com/file/pvkcyw

    A quick look behind closed doors at a shady motel, inspired by the 55-word short “Bedtime Story” by Jeffrey Whitmore.

    It’s a fun, quick 2 page read, and I’d love to get any feedback I can! Thanks!

    • Poe_Serling

      Clever and fun. The Housekeeper’s reaction at the end? Priceless.

    • NYANGL23

      An easy read, went in a direction I was not expecting. Well done!

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey !
      Hm, interesting… I wrote this as a short story ten years ago, published in a French magazine :-) As they say, ideas are just floating around…

  • jank

    Well, why not. I didn’t submit to Carson on this, been busy and not checking email lately, but if anyone is interested…

    Here’s the first short I wrote, didn’t really know about formatting or anything, but I tried:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/jankworks/4602448714/in/set-72157623924602883/

    That is the flickr set that starts on page 1 of the 8 page script.

    It was written for an ‘exquisite corpse’ style video contest, where each chapter began on the previous winning chapters final frame (Vimeo’s Behind the Still contest some years back). Anyway, it was sort of a script just meant to help me and the actors, and changed in a few ways by the time we shot it.

    First time I wrote and directed something, but it turned out all right. You can watch the end result here if you like: http://vimeo.com/11791874

  • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

    So many clever things can be done with this Economy one. I wish I was a director so I could take a crack. The kind of concept that has expansion possibilities too.

    BN is one of the better attempts at using this legend that I’ve seen. Let me see if I have time later to get to WB.

    • pitchblack

      Kevin, thanks! I always figured that Economy would get snapped up quick by a shorts director. Given the topic, and very, very low budget. Not yet, though (Bean Nighe’s the one that’s gotten more interest so far.) :)

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey Sherif-

    Just finished your script…. To be honest, the whole Ensemble/Drama is not really in my wheelhouse, so my comments should been taken with grain of salt.

    I might be wrong, but it seems that you were trying to tap into some of the magic of films like Crash – here Los Angeles citizens with vastly separate lives collide in interweaving stories of race, loss and redemption.

    Overall, I thought your script was competently written and well-formatted, with a nice blend of descriptive lines and dialogue exchanges.

    Some concerns: I felt the plot was a bit muddled, and I had a hard time understanding some of the characters actions/motivations.

    Again, this isn’t really my genre of interest… I hope a few others give it a read and add their insightful comments.

    thanks for sharing.

    • Sherif001

      Hey thanks for replying. Really appreciate the feedback.

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey pitchblack-

    Never heard of the Bean Nighe legend… so for me your short script was both impressive and informative. Well done!

    • pitchblack

      Hey Poe – thanks! One of my closest friends prefers “Bean Nighe” to any of my other shorts. What I was shooting for was to capture a little look into an old couple’s endearing love (wrapped around a Scottish legend.) Thanks for the read!

  • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond
    • Malibo Jackk

      Got ERROR 403 message.
      Wants me to log in for some reason.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

        Thanks.. I don’t know if Carson would like me to re-upload..

      • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

        It’s Re-Listed..

        • Malibo Jackk

          Still the same ERROR 403.

  • http://twitter.com/KennyNOL Will Vega

    I submitted my short, The Assignment, to the contest but I enjoyed writing it so much, i’m actually expanding and making it my first feature film. I plan on shooting it sometime this year, hopefully spring/summer, depending on the final budget.

    So i’m kinda glad it was overlooked. I rather save some of the content as a surprise. Though i’ve been told by my critical friends that it’s good. I’m working on making it great.

  • artys

    GENETICS

    A down on his luck IT guy decides to hack a reboot to his life, no matter what the damage.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/y1069se2xi9r0ob/Genetics%20Draft%2011.pdf

    Any feedback will be greatly appreciated, thank you.
    Adrian.

  • jridge32

    Title: “Moira”
    Genre: Drama
    Logline: A former hard-partying exotic dancer vows to win back the “love” of her life from her opportunistic brother, by supernatural means if necessary.

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/dmfngz

  • http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

    THE BOUND MAN (Thriller/Horror)
    –What would you do if you had the man that took your family from you alone in a room?

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/7nqrxb

    (I know it’s a bit of an unorthodox logline, but whatever)

    • jridge32

      Timothy talks too much to Emery. Especially about how he does not intend to kill him, right away. We pretty much know from the moment Timothy enters that warehouse, and Emery is bound and duct taped, that Timothy has arranged this to get some nasty, extended revenge on the guy. Timothy’s time should be spent unleashing an array of creative methods… not over-chatting with his prisoner.

      • http://simplyscripts.com/ Steex

        Sorry you didn’t like the script. I appreciate you taking the time to give it a read and comment. Thanks!
        –about the torture though– I didn’t want to make it torture porn. I was going for more of an emotional angle. I wanted you to feel what Timothy was feeling and get a sense of how hard it is to kill a man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

    I enjoyed this story, Frederic. It picked up steam as it went.

  • Paul Clarke

    Am I too late? (damn time zones)

    If anyone is interested:

    Title: Speak Up

    Genre: Comedy (Raunchy)

    Logline: Friends gather round the break-room as a soft-spoken employee retells the story of his night out, and he got that black eye.

    Length: 10 pages

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/x9z1gq

    If anyone wants to exchange reviews: paul.clarke121@bigpond.com

    I’ll work my way through the submissions above.

    Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read it.

    • Magnus McCullagh

      1st things 1st; this isn’t really my sense of humor, so perhaps I’m not the best person to comment but I gave it a read so I’ll throw in my 2 cents.

      The script is well written and the jokes come at a decent pace. I have two main comments: Firstly, some of the events are a bit confusing (who is Jimmy protecting? I thought he was just getting jumped). Secondly, the framing device is weak (though I do get that that’s kind of the point). Still, what you end up with is a story that starts with the promise of a payoff but then leads you down a completely different path. As I say, I know that that’s the idea but I’m still left questioning whether it’s a good one, particularly seeing as without it, all you really have is a series of events which don’t really constitute a story. The forehead hit is a great moment, it builds anticipation for a great pay-off.Think about integrating the ‘rule of threes’ into the story to make that final joke work (ie. add another moment where he gets hurt but not so as to give him a black eye). Then the lamp-post gag becomes a more satisfying payoff.

      All the best.

    • ChinaSplash2

      Works for me. The guy gets what he wants — in spades — and he pays for it in unexpected ways. That’s comedy!

      Might it help the humor and tone even more if you set up Jimmy with a reputation as the luckiest man alive — even though he never seems to do anything?

      I ran into a few bumps with the Australianisms, several typos, and the fact that I thought Gay Perry was a woman’s name — character capitalization is your friend! — but otherwise it was a pretty clean read.

  • ChinaSplash2

    Here you go. I generally don’t hold back with my opinions, so please feel free to give this a good kicking:

    SUICIDE SEED (near future sci-fi)
    A young mother struggles to find out who is poisoning her family — and why.

    http://www.abelard-and-heloise.com/SuicideSeed/SUICIDE-SEED-short-v103.pdf

    • Malibo Jackk

      Like the story/concept.
      There are two ways you could go. It reads like a good short story which could be expanded to an independent film.
      Or you could amp up the action like a Disciple Program for a more commercial film.

      • ChinaSplash2

        Thanks!

        Interesting suggestions — because this was written primarily for promotional purposes, and it’s actually a very compressed 20 page rewrite of a more elaborate feature-length story.

  • Mike Travers

    ARIA NUCLIOSIS.

    A silent movie that is heavily music centric. A poor shlub named Phil discovers that from every cut, every scrape, every open wound on his body- Music pours out. Teaming with his Physician, Dr. Cunningham, The two set out for fortune and fame… but at what cost?

    Sorry, no title page

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/9m9u0wv5779uvz0/Aria%20Nucliosis%20Draft%202.pdf

  • pitchblack

    Hey Frederic –

    Read the script – congrats. An enjoyable read. (And Kevin’s right, this does build over time.) What especially worked for me was making Heffner a sympathetic character. Too often, anything WWII related is an excuse to trot out black-n-white Nazi villians (and that’s a comment coming from someone who’s half Jewish… :) )

    If you were to revisit this, I would suggest trimming the descriptions further. Small things that slow the read down a touch (describing the table in Felix’s kitchen, etc.) IMHO, streamlining the story more would make the emotional impact even better.: :)

    Cheers,

    Pitch (J)

  • jridge32

    You certainly pulled off the barge and blood requirements of the contest. This is nicely written. I loved the visual when the two homeless characters open that door to a full, lavish spread of fine dining. I can definitely see that scene.

    Not sure that making off with an expensive bottle of wine is the most effective payoff (and I’m not sure what one would be). Also, the daughter character is a little much.

  • ElectricDreamer

    WEST SIDE MARKETS

    Logline: A checkout girl falls in love with a boy from the wrong side of the parking lot.

    http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/west_side_markets_wgaw.pdf

    This was a Valentine’s Day experiment inspired by some classic material.
    I enjoyed slinging some thoughts during Shorts week.
    So, I thought I’d toss something in the proverbial ring.

    Much thanks to Carson for the opp.
    And my appreciation to those that crack this open.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      An entertaining update of West Side Story. Professional feel. A pro writing shorts? Maybe soon to be pro? High level work. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://travisoberlander.com Travis Oberlander

    DIG

    When a young, Jewish Holocaust survivor comes across the old Nazi responsible for his family’s murder, he takes matters into his own hands by kidnapping and taking the old man into the desert to dig his own grave.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/76cowl818uenoux/Dig_Yellow_11-15-10.pdf

    We ended up making this film in the fall of 2010 and it spent most of 2011 and 2012 on the festival circuit where it won an award or two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmmTxjveytU

    • New_E

      Took a quick look. Both script and film look VERY good. Congratulations! Looking forward to reading / watching the whole thing.

      E

      • http://travisoberlander.com Travis Oberlander

        Thanks! Keep a look out for our new feature film, Layover :) World Premiere at SIFF 2014 :)

    • Malibo Jackk

      Remember hearing about this some time ago.
      Was expecting you to be hired by Stephen Spielberg or some such thing.

      Anything exciting happen, other than the festivals?

      • http://travisoberlander.com Travis Oberlander

        Nothing but festivals and experience. We’ve teamed up for another film though. This time it’s a feature titled “Layover.” http://Facebook.com/layoverfilm

  • pitchblack

    Coming from someone who’s not a *huge* vampire fan (I saw Twilight under protest, and only caught the first of the Lestat series), I have to say I LIKE this one! A fresh vampire spin/character that kept me interested…

  • Robert Ward

    Thanks Carson for the opportunity…

    FIRST OF THE MONTH
    Horror
    15 pages

    Old farmer Jeremiah never knew that when the time came, he could arrange a “rental fee” to continue living, payable at the first of the month.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/ujijf8a886q3v2g/FirstoftheMonth.pdf

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Hey !
      This was a fast and fun read. Very Stephen King in tone. Good dialogue and I love how casually the Soul Collector is introduced – yup, nothing strange there… :-)
      Thanks for posting !

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Yep, same here, “access denied” despite a Google email account.
    Would like to read it if you can figure something else out :-)

    • Poe_Serling

      Hey Marija and others-

      Screengold posted another link to the script (which works) elsewhere in the comment thread…. it’s worth finding and checking out.

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey Screengold-
    Though your script was a bit long when compared to the other shorts, it’s definitely worth the read. It’s a compelling mix of elements from both the TZ episode STEEL and John Carpenter’s THE THING. And hey, those are first-rate sources for inspiration!
    What worked for me: super quick read, overall plot of the story, setting the script in illegal animal fighting arena, memorable characters, and so on.
    Minor quibble: the first scene where the main character and Lopez chitchat in the fighting pit seemed dialogue heavy to me, and I think a few trims here and there would help the scene and quicken the pace.
    Finally, the ghosts of past Twilight Zone/NightGallery would be proud of your effort. Thanks for sharing.

  • Thunk24

    Just downloaded your short robod, have you formatted it correctly? It’s currently showing up as some kind of weird text format.

    • Malibo Jackk

      It showed up on my computer’s notepad application.
      (My guess is because it’s not a PDF file.)

    • robod42

      i only had notepad to work with, its short, let me know what you think!

      • Thunk24

        Okay, so you have to sort out the format thing if you’re serious about writing, go buy Final Draft (or similar software). I like the idea of two guys taking a body into the woods but there probably needs to be a bigger twist, maybe the guy in the bag is still alive? I’m not sure how the brother of the dead man wasn’t aware of what he was lugging through the forest, so you need to sort out some of that stuff too. I thought Carson’s comments about shorts being something unexpected and surprising are spot on. Show us something we haven’t seen before. Zombie tigers anyone?

  • klmn

    That’s a great premise. Downloading it now.

  • klmn

    You got me at, “Christine, Michael. You can finally have your doggie.”

  • Magnus McCullagh

    I didn’t submit this for shorts week but I’m going to bite the bullet and throw this out now.

    This is a short I wrote & directed as part of a drama school project a couple of years ago.I never put it out there because… it was a school project. But this seems like the perfect forum to learn from it. Any and all feedback is eagerly awaited and graciously accepted.

    As far as the film goes, I’ve also got to give a shout out to my classmates who helped me out with this project. Only 4 people are credited and only 4 people contributed to the project in any way, from conception to completion. Budget was £60. Shot on HDV and edited in FCP7. Copyrighted music belongs to who it belongs to (ie. not me).

    TITLE: Dickhead (Previous working title: Unrequited Love)
    GENRE: Goofball Fantasy Comedy
    SUMMARY: James is an amateur comic-book writer who’s got a crush on Sasha, but Sasha’s more interested in Tony. Unbeknown to James, his best mate Emily has a crush on him. It’s Valentine’s day and James has the perfect idea for a gift for Sasha. As he carries out his plan he lets his imagination run away with him.

    LENGTH: 12 pages / 10 minutes

    The screenplay:
    http://www.sendspace.com/file/wttbgp

    The finished film:

    • GYAD

      I haven’t watched your short yet but well done on making it, especially for only sixty quid. That shows real dedication. The script itself is sweet but suffers from a lot of defects. It’s essentially a familiar old plot of Girl A, who is in love with Boy B, who is in love with Girl C, who is in love with Boy D. Eventually B realises that A is the one for him.

      Both lead characters are doormats, and consequently quite dull. They need to be more active. The ‘bully’ aspect, especially the scene in the toilet, is extremely overused, if effective. The dialogue is also a little clunky. However, this is a school project. I hope you (and the others) are still involved in drama/film-making/screen-writing.

      • Magnus McCullagh

        Hi GYAD. Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read the script!

        Yeah, it’s pretty cliche ridden. I had one day to get the script together so we focused exclusively on pushing the hook (the fantasy segments) as opposed to trying to reinvent the wheel in narrative terms.

        If you find the time I’d be interested to see if you feel any differently after seeing the short; the dialogue changed a lot through improv and we really went to town with the fantasy sequences where we went out to directly pastiche a number of genres (ie. deliberately trying to play up to the cliches for laughs). It’s all pretty goofy and not at all deep.

        I take your point about Emily but I’ve got to question James not being active. He’s shy and unconfrontational for sure, but he has a goal for which he constructs a plan which he then follows through (the valentine’s gift and subsequent visit to the pub). His plan is a goofy idea but tonally that’s exactly what we wanted.

        As far as still being involved in the world of film; yeah we are! When I say school I mean drama school – we’re all professional actors! Perhaps that makes it worse though, we should be better…

        Anyway, cheers for the notes!

  • 8thDeadlySin

    Spent the day cutting 7 pages, from 22 to the golden 15.

    “EYES OF COLORS”
    (Social) Drama, Fantasy

    Logline: After a freak accident catapults a 14 yr old girl into an overnight, worldwide media sensation, she quickly learns what was fun at first has now turned deadly.”

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/9v38fj

    • GYAD

      A quick if over-familiar story with a sensible theme about the perils of fame. The reason for the fame was pretty unique (eyes that change colour with each blink) but the treatment of fame (nuts, papparazzi, the media) was pretty bog-standard. Also, I feel compelled to point out that the Soviet Union no longer exists, contrary to what you write on page 4.

      • 8thDeadlySin

        Thanks for the read, and pointing out of Soviet Union. I changed it to Czechoslovakia instead (yeah, that’s a joke).

        • wlubake

          Czechoslovakia no longer exists either. It’s now the Czech Republic and Slovakia.

  • pitchblack

    Hey JimJam –

    Thanks for being here – and the reads! We’ve got to get more directors and writers together (and thx to Carson for the matchmaking service…) :P

  • Jaco

    Not 1/2 bad. Would have liked something a little different in the woods – felt like there could have been a more creative choice – but that’s just me.

  • Thunk24

    Like the premise of this one Pooh, and it’s nice that there’s actually a good reason for it to be ‘found footage’ style. I was really hoping for a twist. I could see the falling asleep coming and I was hoping she’d miss the whole event then have to rewind and see what she’s missed, Maybe she missed some really spectacular stuff! I know you were aiming for a more emotive finish, but I reckon this one could be really ramped up.

    • Pooh Bear

      Reread it, it’s not santa at the end.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Cool.
    Could have made an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Not sure who I would vote for — Wayne Gacy or Bundy.

  • Malibo Jackk

    Has Caril Ann Fugate changed her name to Ellen Starkweather?

    CARSON. Y o u n e e d t o r e a d JWG by Ellen Starkweather.

    from the song “Hate So Real”
    ‘Now Caril can’t deny me/ and to this day I swear/ she should be sittin’ on my lap when I go to the chair.’

  • http://atticofthefilmaddict.blogspot.com/ Matty

    I wrote this one time when I was bored and wanted to write something fun and breezy. Very quick read, 11 pages. Lots of dialogue, it’s basically one of those people talking scripts that Carson has been harping on all week. Just curious as to thoughts; doubt it’ll scream any sort of amazingness, but it was fun to write one afternoon.

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/hj02mi

    Logline: Jake and Lindsay meet for coffee. When she says they need to take a break, the conversation becomes one the most confusing back-and-forth of Jake’s life.

    Appreciate any that reads it. Like I said, quick read. Nothing ground breaking or amazing. Just a fun writing exercise, and hopefully a fun little read. Thanks! :)

    • GYAD

      As a single-scene, nearly pure dialogue short this moves fast but suffers from all the usual problem of ‘talkies’. Namely that, once again, it’s about middle class 20 year olds talking about themselves. There is a small twist at the end and some neat manipulation of language but overall it’s too much like business-as-normal.

      These sort of scripts always need a twist. Look at the film “Heat”, which also features a conversation at a diner between two people…except that one is a crook and the other is the cop trying to take him down. There’s conflict, there’s subtext, there’s excitement.

      This was a good try but needs something fresh to work.

      • http://atticofthefilmaddict.blogspot.com/ Matty

        Thanks for the comments, much appreciated!

  • ChinaSplash2

    Hey Phillip.

    Interesting story! I can see that Grego might be reluctant to bury his brother out in the jungle, but even so, carrying his body (not to mention their wheeled luggage) is pretty crazy. On the other hand, it’s such a mad, strange task that it somehow works.

    I’d like more clarity on their plan to get out of there. Where do they think they’re headed? Do they even know?

    The language causes a few problems, and I’m guessing you’re not a native English speaker, but on the whole you do a commendable job here. Bottom line is: I cared about these guys and wanted them to make it.

  • maxi1981

    What is the max page count for a short?? 15, 20 30???

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Hey :-)

    Animal fights are a delicate subject matter for sure (I love all animals… Well, except for spiders but I still let them live :-) ) but as Jack Ketchum says (approximately, “Any subject matter, no matter how distasteful, can be written about if it’s done with taste”. And here, you don’t dwell on any sort of cruelty so that’s a good point for you :-)

    I agree with Poe that the script is a little dialogue heavy but I liked it. Very HELLRAISER/THE THING. And I love the twist at the end so well done and thanks for posting.

    [x] Worth the read

    • Poe_Serling

      Oh yeah, Hellraiser is a great reference point, too.
      ***Looks like someone went on short script reading binge. :-)

      • Marija ZombiGirl

        Yup ! I read 12 of ‘em today :-)
        This was a great idea, I’m having fun reading these sometimes very short stories. Still have another 12 in my file, though…

        • Poe_Serling

          Is there an official release date for your novella… or has that already happened?

          Just curious about your comments regarding the super short script Housekeeping… you wrote a similar-type script or did you mean you based your script on the same source material quoted by the other writer?

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            Oh, actually, now that I think about it, I was inspired by a sentence I read in a writing article, I think, about ideas… Can’t remember the exact sentence, I think it was posed as a question along the lines of “What if a guy hired a hitman to take out his wife but she has the same idea”… And mine was a short story, 1000 words.

            As for my novella, shameless plug, it’s out already, yay !! I’ll be participatinng in a small literary event on the 23rd, signing autographs, hehe :-)

            http://www.lecarnoplaste.fr/index.php?page=insulaire

          • Poe_Serling

            Hey MZG-

            If I haven’t already said it, a BIG congrats on getting your novella published and the cherry on top – the lit event and signing a few autographs. Sounds like a great time!

            Plus, the cover of your novella would make for a way cool poster on your wall someday… or is it already up there next to your Thing poster. ;-)

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            Thank you ;-)
            I haven’t seeen it yet myself but I’m looking forward to holding it in my sweaty little monkey paws !
            (Will get to the translation of the bonus chapter real soon)

          • Malibo Jackk

            Novella looks cool.
            Are they popular in France?

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            Thanks :-)
            People like short stories but novellas aren’t very well known, actually.
            This publisher has been around for a couple of years and they’re getting quite succesful now.

  • GYAD

    This short has a compelling concept, which leads to some interesting images, but doesn’t really work. Partly this is the result of numerous errors in spelling and formatting, like this dialogue from p.5, “You took away the one thing he didn’t even have the balls to say it to his face”. The ending is over-bloody (throat-slitting isn’t easy to do by accident) and the final twist feels a cheap shock that is unrelated to the theme.

    I think it would be more compelling to adjust the concept, whilst removing the excess of violence and swearing. Perhaps the protagonist is the one who has been fired, and his revenge is simply to take over his bosses house and taste the life of the rich…only to find he dislikes it (no smoking, bland health food).

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Hey !
    Hmm… This seems more like an intro to a feature length script that a short because of the missing twist at the end. I like the setup and there’s plenty of room to take this a little further while keeping a low page count. Why not make the chef a cannibal ? Or Sabrina a vampire ? To pay off the bottle of wine. Or make the two homeless guys vampires, preferring to suck down rich people’s blood instead of expensive wine.
    I like your writing and the characters. Thanks for posting :-)

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Hey Pitchblack :-)

    I read your three scripts and loved all of them. ECONOMY and especially WORKOUT were a lot of fun.

    BEAN NIGHE – I love stories based on myths and legends. I’d never heard this one before and you’ve written a very beautiful and sad story. Very atmospheric, too.

    You have a real knack for this so thanks for posting and don’t stop writing ;-)

    • pitchblack

      Marija –

      Thanks for the read – and the compliments! (Sorry it took so long to respond…with the huge response over shorts week, this particular threads getting pretty buried. :) ) I *do* plan to be posting much more this year. I lurked in 2012, but plan more to be far more interactive on SS in 2013… Cheers! –Pitch (J)

  • david_pg

    Title: Irene’s Present
    Genre: Drama
    Logline: A brief story of forbidden love, cell phones, nasty sex, betrayal and Jose Luis Perales. And without getting out of a car!

    Long: 12 pages.

    Sorry for the misspellings, I’m still spanish.

    http://www.sendspace.com/file/ifa6v3

  • GYAD

    I agree, comedy often requires a degree of improvisation.

    “Mano-A-Mano” was pretty funny, thanks for the link.

  • ChinaSplash2

    I enjoyed that. Mr Tumnal, is that you?

    The ending felt a little flat because we got exactly what we were expecting. A nice twist there — especially something that tied everything together — would really have pushed this over the top.

    Nice detail with the guy being a plumber. Hmm, could you work with that? Change the set up and have the guy come back on the set of a different porno?… Just a thought.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Like the plumber idea.
      I can picture the back of his shirt — “We unclog sinks.”

  • ChinaSplash2

    I’m not sure what happened here. The link took me to a script called Sixteen Minutes that didn’t match the logline…

  • ChinaSplash2

    Cute! Well constructed and an effective payoff.

    Well done.

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    Great premise, great execution (no pun intended) – well done :-)

  • dogglebe

    ROLY-POLY — A vampire’s latest victim reminds him of what it was like to be human (corrected link).

    http://philclarkejr.com/Roly-Poly%20by%20Phil%20Clarke%20Jr.pdf

  • Marty Lang

    Hi everyone, I’ve got a short I’ve been working on, and I’d really appreciate any comments you’ve got. Good, bad or ugly. :)

    PROTESTERS: An abortion clinic protester meets his match when another man shows up to support the women going there.

    https://dl.dropbox.com/u/556435/Protesters%205.1.pdf

    Thanks!

  • pmdewolf

    After almost 3 days without electricity, heat and internet I finally arrive at scriptshadow to throw my hat (knit and snowy in fact) into the ring. Would appreciate any help the community could offer in crafting a better logline (I’m quite certain a part of the reason Carson flew by this short)-In lieu of Wednesday’s content discussion regarding Art Imitating Life I would also be interested to see if readers understood where I was going…so here is my short based on true events in a remote spot in New England. P.S hopefully shooting this summer so if you’re near the cape…..

    Title: Connection

    Pages: 9

    Genre: Drama

    Logline: A lonely man grapples with a decision that will not only effect his life but the life of a young boy trying to solve a puzzle left behind by his best friend.(I know..help me out here)

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/v5jkoms1k7dl5hx/connection8.pdf

    • Malibo Jackk

      A man without electricity tries to e-mail a story called “Connection.”
      That’s your log line!

      Like the story. Admire the clean writing. The dialogue.

      The man is your protag. You don’t need to mention the boy. You might try something like —
      A man visits a remote seaside hotel and uncovers a mystery that effects his life and the lives of others.

      • Poe_Serling

        Forget the email angle! Since Carson is now dabbling in the realm of the
        paranormal…

        A man without eletricity tries to telepathically send Carson a story called “Connection.”
        :-)

        • Malibo Jackk

          Even better.

          • Poe_Serling

            Good call on the Starkweather/Fugate connection.

    • Poe_Serling

      Hey pmdewolf-

      Looks like your comment to me and Malibo is stuck in moderation hell – so I’ll chime in using your original post.

      My thoughts regarding your short pretty much echoes Malibo’s.

      “I’m curious to find out what you thought the man was up to until the reveal…could I do a better job misdirecting?”

      My initial thought was the man was thinking about committing suicide over a broken relationship or some such thing.

      And I thought your misdirection was effective and surprising – I don’t think I would’ve guessed his true purpose for visiting the inn.

      So…well done. Mission accomplished! ;-)

  • Malibo Jackk

    Wow. Good reviews.
    So are you still flipping hamburgers?

    Curious to know.
    (It’s tough out there.)

    • http://www.facebook.com/seansshack Sean Ryan

      still trying to make it over the wall and sell a spec. Aren’t we all?

      • Malibo Jackk

        They say it only takes 10,000 hours.

        • http://www.facebook.com/seansshack Sean Ryan

          I’m well past that then and still waiting :(

  • Malibo Jackk

    Kinda like this one.
    90% unemployment. Yep. Been there.
    (It’s an analogy about screenwriting… right?)

  • Poe_Serling

    Hey Carson-

    Just had a quick thought if you decide to run another SHORTS contest in the future – perhaps you can expand the field. For example:

    Monday – Feature the Top 5 scripts with the page count of 2 or less.

    Tuesday – Feature the Top 5 scripts with the page count of 5 or less.

    Wednesday – Feature the Top 5 Scripts with the page count of 10 or less.
    .
    .
    …and so on.

    Then instead of writing up a lengthy analysis for only one script, maybe just include a short breakdown paragraph on each Top 5 entry on why it worked/possibly improvements. etc.

    This way… more of the SS faithful will have a moment in the spotlight and, in turn, generate more traffic to the site.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      I have been surprised at how many scripts were over 20 pages. It seems to me that those longer lengths really hurt a short’s chances. When I open them up, if they are more than 20, unless I know the person I don’t bother reading.

      • Poe_Serling

        Agree, if the subject really interested me, I would give it a shot and see if the first five or more pages kept my interest before deciding to plow on to the end.

        Unfortunately, we’re not privy to Carson’s thinking when he set the short script length at 30 pages or less.

        • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

          I will say this: Carson’s article did change my thinking on the value of shorts.Up to now I have focused almost completely on features and just occasionally wrote a short fooling around. Maybe I will try to take writing shorts more seriously now. I am filled with new respect for the shorts people!!

    • carsonreeves1

      I do want to do another Shorts Week at some point and I’ll definitely make some changes. Good suggestions. :)

  • Dogglebe

    SIXTEEN MINUTES — An infected zombie hunter struggles with an experimental cure while preparing his apprentice for the worst.

    http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/SixtenMinutesbyPhilClarkeJr.pdf

    • wlubake

      This one keeps your attention. Tense. Good job.

  • http://www.facebook.com/denamariestubbs Dena Marie McKinnon

    GOOD WILL
    A good Samaritan finds out what goes around doesn’t always
    come around…literally.
    http://www.denamckinnon.com/GOOD_WILL.pdf
    This short is being produced in the UK.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kevin.lenihan1 Kevin Lenihan

      Very effective twist. Stories like this extremely attractive to producers. Thumbs up.

    • Malibo Jackk

      Protag’s name should be Will.

    • ChinaSplash2

      Dudley ‘do-right’ Damon. Yeah, I enjoyed this. It’s probably too bleak for American tastes, but I can see that it would get produced in the UK.

      The cafeteria scene with Amber feels a bit unfocused. I like the cheesy/creepy button line, but is Amber meant to be his on-going ‘reward’? Or is she just there to discuss the theme and, cynically, warn him? Or — perhaps the strongest choice — is she just playing him? In any case, it would be nice if there was some kind of payoff with Amber as well. Maybe she swings by the hospital (out of guilt rather than love/concern), sees Damon through the glass, hands some flowers to the nurse and then leaves without speaking to him.

  • Writer451

    I didn’t think that any of the loglines on here would be memorable or get a reaction out of me, but yours definitely did!!! Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

    SOMEHOW This got deleted.. It could Have been my doing when I lost power due to the storm. I hope You’ll enjoy This read.

    Title: Matter Of Perspective
    # of Pages: 6
    LogLine: A Marine finds his new purpose in saving lives.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/80iz9ixwer4fvpz/Matter%20Of%20Perspective.pdf

    Thank you Carson for providing this platform.. and thanks to all of you for reading this..

    • http://www.facebook.com/spydyrr Heath Russell

      I totally agree.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

      @google-a9474055a930278f86572a898412589f:disqus .. This is where it got re-listed,…

      • Malibo Jackk

        I liked the story.
        It may have more meaning to some than others.
        Were you planning on directing this?
        Readers don’t like to read camera directions.
        And there were a number of spelling/grammar errors.
        You may need to have someone check it for errors.

        Good luck.

        • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

          Thank You.. yes ..will direct it.. Actually Is in pre-prod phase.. production is slated for March 8th..

          • Malibo Jackk

            Cool.
            You learn by doing.
            Just don’t invest your life savings on your first film.

          • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

            Thanks.. absolutely not.. appreciate Your word of wisdom..

    • http://www.facebook.com/kersonr Kerson L. Raymond

      I would also like @Jaco3:disqus ‘s input on this as well.. my last post his input wasn’t favorable but nevertheless invaluable..

  • Guest

    MONEY LAUNDERING….Because washing clothes can be hell……
    http://www.talentville.com/showscript/2651/0

  • http://www.facebook.com/spydyrr Heath Russell

    Sorry if this is a repost, but I posted this over an hour ago and haven’t seen it come up yet:

    Title: Con Couple
    # of Pages: 10
    Logline: A con artist falls madly in love with the girl who steals his wallet.

    http://spydyrr.blogspot.com/2010/10/short-scriot-2-con-couple.html

    I’d love to get some feedback and I’m gonna try to read and respond to as many other shorts as I can. Thanks!

  • http://www.facebook.com/spydyrr Heath Russell

    Very true!

  • scribbler

    Zombie Baby
    Genre: Horror
    http://www.sendspace.com/file/kpvi8j
    An undead baby boy craves flesh after being infected by a zombie monster. This was my submission for Shorts Week. It’s 10 pages.

  • http://www.facebook.com/seansshack Sean Ryan

    Here’s my short.

    Title: Fading Numbers:An elderly woman recalls her experiences of the holocaust.

    Link: http://www.writemovies.com/fad

    This short script was runner-up in the Kaos Films British Short Screenplay Contest and won both the WriteMovies A/Exposure and Moviedeal contests and placed as a finalist in the Gimme Credit International Screenplay Contest, Wildsound International Contest, BSSC and Waterford Film Festival.

    I actually got to meet the two women who inspired this story in Toronto in 2011. Both are holocaust survivors.

  • ChinaSplash2

    Or how about this one:

    The Commission

    An artistically gifted black zombie has 24 hours to complete a flattering portrait of the glamorous Russian hitwoman who keeps him imprisoned.

    http://www.abelard-and-heloise.com/TheCommission/The_Commission-v105.pdf

  • http://twitter.com/RealMaTTL MaTTLoughlin

    I don’t think my original post worked, so please don’t hate me if this is a re-post…

    -Mad Love-

    Over the course of a single night, one man must confront his inner demons, as well as his wife’s sudden fall into madness.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/147cjowi4785ria/Mad%20Love.pdf

    Thanks again!

  • wlubake

    Man, so disappointed I missed this originally. I never submitted, but here’s a short I entered a couple years back in Jim Mercucio’s Champion Screenwriting Competition. It was a finalist, but didn’t win. Comedy; 3 pages long (per the short short category of the competition).

    CAKEWALK – A boorish man takes a no-holds-barred approach to a children’s carnival game.

    https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-kEGYmzG8cDdUZJenktRTJXV00/edit?usp=sharing

  • Malibo Jackk

    I didn’t know what he was up to, so there was mystery.
    The difference between a good mystery and a great mystery is not in the misdirection, IMO. It’s about the clues. (And that’s the part that isn’t easy.)

    Without going back and rereading it, I don’t remember any clues — just mystery. There was some talk about the lack of internet service. And there was some mystery about why he cut the wires. But neither of those are really clues as to who he was. And I don’t remember his conversations with the office enough to know if they contained some muddled clues.

    I enjoyed the story. It’s a good story and I admire the writing.
    And I’m a tough critic. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a short.

    • Pmdewolf

      thanks Malibo! I really was trying to make it feel like he was about to off himself by jumping…I think clearly that may not be coming off strong enough…appreciate the feedback…so valuable

  • Poe_Serling

    See above ^^^^ I commented under your original post.

  • http://www.facebook.com/seansshack Sean Ryan

    I submitted 10 shorts for short week and none of them made it through this time. I hope we get another shot at this…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=652486320 Chris Sorensen

    Going to steal that smile note (hell, it’s in the title). Great note. Thanks for taking a peek.

  • James Burrough

    If anyone’s still interested. Here’s my produced script. Hope you like it. http://vimeo.com/60206170