Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: In a universe where men are dying off, a sexy star-cruising bounty hunter named Barbarella finds herself caught up in a plan to save them.
About: The original Barbarella movie, made in 1968, was a critical failure. But a lot of good things came out of it. The costume design had an iconic look to it that would later inspire many artists (including Jean-Paul Gaulteir on The Fifth Element). It also had one of the best posters of all time. It even started Jane Fonda’s career! (okay, it’s debatable whether that was a good thing) They’ve been trying to remake this film FOR-EVER. It got close a few years ago when Robert Rodriguez was planning to direct it. But his insistence on using unproven actress Rose McGowan in the tittle role scared the studio and ultimately killed the project. This version of the script was written by long-time James Bond screenwriters Neal Purvis and Robert Wade (who are also writing Bond 24). Will we ever see a Barbarella remake? I don’t know. But for some reason, I feel like with Nicolas Winding Refn looking to move into bigger movies, this would be perfect for him. They’re both weird and offbeat. Seems like a match made in Refn. Nicolas? Are you out there?
Writers: Neal Purvis and Robert Wade (based on the French comics by Jean-Claude Forest and Claude Brule and the 1968 screenplay by Terry Southern and Roger Vadim).
Details: 89 pages – 2007 draft (alternate ending version)

barbarella6893

Barbarella redefined movies.

Okay, even I couldn’t type that with a straight face.

Barbarella’s biggest achievement was that if you came across it on cable, you usually didn’t change the channel. That was for a number of reasons, mainly that Jane Fonda’s outfit allowed you to see her breasts, which was pretty stellar if you were a little boy.

But even without the world’s first deliberate wardrobe malfunction, the movie had a goofy charm to it. Something about it worked, even though the filmmakers themselves would be hard-pressed to point out what that was.

Naturally, with this being Hollywood, they’ve been busting their ass trying to get this back up in theaters. But the Movie Angels have not shined down on the producers, partly because it’s obscure and partly because it objectifies women, something you could get away with back in the 60s, but is a lot harder to do now.

But you can’t fault them for trying. They brought in some heavy hitters to write this draft (the Bond guys) which must have cost them a pretty penny. And I guess it makes sense. Bond uses his sex appeal to smooth-talk his way out of problems. Barbarella uses her sex-appeal to get out of tough spots. Maybe this will work?

Barbarella, our sexy bounty hunter, has just received some bad news. Her evil nemesis, the one-eyed Severin, has escaped from Planet Hulk prison with plans on killing the woman who put her there (that would be Barbarella).

That’s a hefty to-do list for even the strongest heroine, but Barbarella’s ALSO received word that she must travel to the Black Moon to save a king. These orders come from three motley dudes who call themselves The Watchers, who are the last of their kind in the galaxy.

The new boys in town are the “Baal,” an evil race of aliens who now number in the trillions. They’re also trying to find the elusive King, since if they kill him, they can increase their population by… I don’t know, I guess another trillion? (Thinking too deeply about logic in this script is highly discouraged).

Along the way, Barbarella meets a sexy alien named Rael, who only has a 12 year lifespan because someone thought that was a cool idea. But Rael joins her and the two jet off to the Dark Moon, where they find a bunch of men hiding underground, eager to repopulate the galaxy.

Oh yeah, I guess the galaxy is light on men or something? That’s sort of thrown in there towards the end. But yeah, Barbarella finds the king, shuttles him and all his buddies to a planet of Amazonian Jungle women, and the reboot of mankind begins. Yay.

kinopoisk.ru

Before we even get to the “story” here, I need to point out that this script used really tight margins and big letters. Which means it’s even shorter than its 90 pages suggests. I’d say its true length is 80 pages. Which means this read should’ve FLOWN by. Yet never has a script read so slow. I had been reading so long, I thought I was almost done with this monstrosity. I was POSITIVE I was at least on page 70. I checked the page number. 33!!! I wanted to kill life.

What was wrong with this script? What wasn’t?

Let’s start with the simple. If you’re going to write a comedy science fiction or comedy fantasy, keep the universe and the plot simple! We’re here to have a good time and laugh. Why would you impede that by building an overly complicated universe with 10 different planets and Watchers and Baals and aliens who only live to 12 for no story reason whatsoever??

I lost interest in this screenplay so quickly because all my energy was focused on figuring out what the hell was going on. Barbarella is secretly the daughter of the King of the Dark Moon, sent here by the Watchers who had actually been tricked by the Baal to lead Barbarella to the Dark Moon King so they could trap him and take over a universe they already own??? I DON’T CARE!

I mean, if you’re writing a Game of Thrones or Dune adaption, dramas where the intricate plots and relationships and backstory are essential to enjoying the story, then a more complicated storyline is understandable. But this is a movie where a woman has replaced one of her nipples with an eyeball!

Whenever you’re brought in to write a remake, one of the things you have to decide is how you’re going to update the material. Are you going to keep the tone the same, or are you going to change it? Make it more current? The further back the original material goes, the more likely it is that you’ll have to update it. I mean a lot has changed since 1968, hasn’t it?

For one, you can’t exploit women onscreen anymore. And whereas we used to forgive our mainstream films for looking cheap and silly (it was part of their charm), these days, the audience requires more of a grounded believable experience (relative to what the movie is). Even Transformers, for how gloriously bad it is, has a strong visual world.

Barbarella feels like it still wants to exist on cheap sets and use bad special effects, like that remake of Escape to New York. Remember how that worked out?

The thing is, it’s got some cool elements to work with. A sexy star-hopping bounty hunter heroine. A badass female nemesis. Why not ditch the midnight-movie angle and build something more grounded in reality? I mean even the affable Clark Kent doesn’t smile these days. It’s not like you’re going to piss off the 7 members of the Barbarella fan base.

And for the Jesus in all of us – people! Stop over-complicating your plots and your worlds when there’s no reason to. If you’re writing Chinatown, yeah, create 10,000 layers of deceit. But if you’re adapting Bob’s Burgers, we don’t need to find out that Bob’s great-grandfather was leader of the CIA and had a daughter who now works for the Russians who’s married to the sister of Fred’s Fries. Stop already!

[x] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: When writing sci-fi, use easy-to-remember names for things like planets, characters, cities, etc. The reader’s forced to remember so much in sci-fi/fantasy, that you have to lighten the memory load for them where you can. You do this by giving people/things names that sound similar to who/what they are. For example, if I named an alien “Occarius,” and didn’t mention him for ten pages, you may not remember him when I brought him back (“Wait, who is Occarius again? Is that Jozzabull’s brother?”). But if I named him “Darth Vader,” that’s a name that’s easy to remember (“Darth” sounds very much like “Dark,” which implies a “bad” person). Ditto the “Death Star.” You know what that is every time I bring it up. I’m not sure that would’ve been the case had I called it “Pomjaria.” Now these choices are always relative to the tone and the story you’re telling. If you’re writing really serious sci-fi, the “Death Star” may sound too much like a B-movie. But the spirit of this tip should remain the same. Any way you can you pick a name that helps the reader remember that thing, do it.

  • leitskev

    Lol, are we jumping the shark here?

  • andyjaxfl

    I hate to be so snarky at six o’clock on the morning, but you lost me at Robert Rodriguez. Carson also wrote “tittles” (intentionally, I believe) in the About Section instead of “titles” and I started laughing like a ten-year old.

  • Robin the Boy Wonder

    “Tittle” got me, too. It’s either the:

    – Title role.
    – Titty role.
    – Titty title role.

    All of the above could be right on the money for this project…

  • Steffan

    Let’s get something straight:

    You ARE allowed to objectify women in today’s pop-culture,it’s just that the powers that be (read: hegemony) don’t want that objectification to be overt.

    • JakeBarnes12

      A fellow English Ph.D.?

      • Steffan

        Haha. I left Academia about a decade or so ago, Jake with a paltry pair of M.A.’s.

        Where are you studying and what’s your focus?

        My M.A. Thesis in English explored the contact zones between play and reading when interacting with algorithmically generated art (“cyberpoerty”).

        • Citizen M

          Garbage in,
          Garbage out
          That’s what it’s
          All about.

          Should you give me
          Faulty data,
          I will give you
          GTwv@g*&iliata.

          • Steffan

            Worth the Read [XX]

        • JakeBarnes12

          Afraid us doctors of English can’t be seen giving the secret handshake to MAs, Steffan. :)

          Graduated years ago and now I’m an English professor for my pains.

          Dissertation was about expatriate identity in the modernist city, mainly Paris, of course. Did the old guard Hemingway and Fitzgerald, but also Djuna Barnes and Jean Rhys.

          Changed the world, naturally.

          • Steffan

            Haha! They revoke tenure for doing that sort of thing.

  • Paul Clarke

    They say RAGING BULL has the greatest opening credit sequence of all time, but surely Barbarella comes close ;)

    And the real reason they struggle to make a remake – It’s hard to find that much acid these days. I mean, seriously, whoever made that movie must have been drowning in it.

    • ripleyy

      God help us all if this comes out in 3D. It’ll be the 70s all over again

      • astranger2

        What’s wrong with that? ; )

    • Poe_Serling

      “It’s hard to find that much acid these days. I mean, seriously, whoever made that movie must have been drowning in it.”

      Great point, Paul… and funny, too.

      Barbarella’s original writer Terry Southern definitely had his own unique style of writing and viewpoint to say the least… and it’s reflected in his some of best film work: The Loved One, Dr. Strangelove, Easy Rider, etc.

      • astranger2

        Terry Southern wrote Barbarella? Didn’t he also write Candy?

        • Poe_Serling

          Yes… and yes. ;-)

          • astranger2

            Thanks for the link. Great article.

            I never realized how many good projects Terry Southern was involved with, like The Cincinnati Kid, and The Collector — his idea for a revised ending on that was interesting. Too bad they were too far into the film to implement it as it was more captivating…

            Seems he also had written an adaptation for A Clockwork Orange that Kubrick declined…

            For me, Barbarella was an actor-centric piece. Despite it’s flamboyant futuristic sets, I don’t know how well it would have done without Jane Fonda to carry it… like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. Those two made those films cult classics…

            Despite Ringo Starr’s “Oscar-worthy” performance, Candy was a flop as a film…

            And, actually the only scene I remember from Barbarella is the one where Donald Pleasance “tortures” her with some sort of orgasm machine that Barbarella eventually breaks, because she is such a wicked girl…

            Wonder how that film had done if Gloria Steinem had starred? ; )

  • cjob3

    This is supposedly being re-made for Drew Barrymore now, no?
    Personally, I’d much rather see Rose McGowen in the role. But yeah, as sexy as Fonda is in the originally, it’s still somehow a slog to watch. (though that crazy space-piano scene is pretty hot.)
    BTW, anyone got a copy of this? Crazy, I know, but I’m in the midst of writing a female-driven space comedy. cjob3 at Hotmail.

    • brenkilco

      Ten years ago this would have been a perfect fit for Barrymore. Sadly, think she’s a smidge long in the tooth for it now. Ditto Mcgowan.

      • Hadley’s Hope

        Ten years ago with Charlize Theron as Barbarella. Although we due get the bizarre futuristic sci-fi thriller Aeon Flux with her in the lead. Of course, the original animated Aeon Flux was truly out there stuff. That is a property I wouldn’t mind seeing remade as a film or cable TV series, if they can truly capture the ultra strange and imaginative vibe of the original show.

  • brenkilco

    Most remakes are nothing but creatively bankrupt cash grabs. But this script takes the stupidity one step further. The appeal, if any, of Barbarella is that it is absolutely a product of its time. The hallucinogenic design, the campy vibe, the outrageous fashions, the peek a boo nudity, the tepid kinkiness. A far out kick back in 68. Today, who cares? You can’t update nostalgia.

    BTW this movie didn’t do anything for Fonda. Her sexy, European sojourn with Svengali Roger Vadim nearly derailed her career. She made her bones as a heavyweight dramatic actress with They Shoot Horses Don’t They the following year.

    Dumb as the movie is, Fonda’s weightless strip tease remains um an impressive sequence.

    • Logic Ninja

      “You can’t update nostalgia.”

      Perfectly said.

      Can we rent a billboard somewhere on Hollywood Boulevard with that sentence in huge red letters? Someone?

      • Hadley’s Hope

        Yes!

        I mean you can’t even make something like the original Alien anymore (in terms of pacing and no convoluted character backstories, plus the gore factor and subversive sexual overtones of Giger’s aesthetic). Prometheus was paced too quickly and all the psychosexual stuff was surface level, bordering on PG-13. Even the first sequel Aliens takes its sweet time building a massive amount of tension leading up to any alien contact, which comes nearly halfway through the film.

        Retro kitschy 60s sci-fi? That’s a much harder sell. Maybe as an AMC miniseries airing after each episode of the upcoming final season of Mad Men. Done in the 60s retro sci-fi/space opera style, but with better visual effects. I think that would be fun as a groovy duo of late 60s era culture. Maybe have a quick scene of Don watching Barbarella on TV or at the cinema. He does retreat to the movie theater from time to time to get away and clear his head, so it would fit.

    • astranger2

      Yowza! Yowza! Yowza!

  • Citizen M

    Found it online at starkindustries.ru/Scripts/Barbarella-2010-.pdf

    • Citizen M

      To answer my own question — absolute crap. The worst pro screenplay I have read. Disjointed, not even funny, just a mish-mash of B-movie scenes strung together to make a story that a six-year-old could have come up with.

      I dimly remember the original movie. It wasn’t much better, but it was decorative.

    • Randy Williams

      You can’t start a movie intended to entice with the voluptuousness of one, Barbarella with the immediate introduction of a male character with two cocks.

      Talk about making a man feel inadequate.

  • SinclareRose

    “For one, you can’t exploit women on screen anymore.”

    Come on, Carson. You left this one wide open.

    Tell that to Michael Bay via Megan Fox. Or that girl on Star Trek Into Darkness who stripped in front of Kirk for, seriously, no reason but to give guys more a reason to watch the movie. Oh, and don’t forget to tell that to HBO!!!! CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

    http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905751/hbo-should-show-dongs

  • SinclareRose

    “For one, you can’t exploit women on screen anymore.”

    Come on, Carson. You left this one wide open.

    Tell that to Michael Bay via Megan Fox. Or that girl on Star Trek Into Darkness who stripped in front of Kirk for, seriously, no reason but to give guys more a reason to watch the movie.
    Oh, and don’t forget to tell that to HBO!!!!
    http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905751/hbo-should-show-dongs

    If you haven’t seen it yet, this video is hilarious.

    • Steffan

      Ew. Seriously! Who wants to see naked men?!

    • Scott Strybos

      In response to criticism for the Alice-Eve-underwear scene in Into Darkness, co-writer Damon Lindelof said “Why is Alice Eve in her underwear, gratuitously and unnecessarily, without any real effort made as to why in God’s name she would undress in that circumstance? Well there’s a very good answer for that. But I’m not telling you what it is. Because… uh… MYSTERY?”

      • SinclareRose

        Oh, I see. It must have come out of one of J.J.’s boxes.
        ► 18:02► 18:02
        https://www.ted.com/

        • Scott Strybos

          Don’t blame J.J., he was just the director. The gratuitous underwear scene was written by Lindelof. J.J. had to film it–it was in the script!

          • SinclareRose

            lmao! J.J. HAD to film it because it was in the script! Tell that to all those other screenwriters who had their script changed because the director/actor/studio/etc. wanted something else.

    • Magga

      Also, the term “objectifying women” shows how “effed” up society is. We’re doing the exact opposite, imbuing objects like cars and phone with the kind of “must have” desire that our species is programmed to feel for sex. The idea that drooling at objects is normal and wanting to see sexy women being sexy is morally wrong is so far into societal psychopathy that words can’t even describe it.
      (Edited to remove a bad word that no sane society would consider a bad word)

  • fragglewriter

    It’s definittely difficult to write a remake and take a new spin on it to feel fresh. I haven’t watched the movie even though it comes on TCM because it looks so silly, but not in a funny kind of way.

    I think in order to make the movie viewable, you would have to make it more sexualized, and I think that’s what Robert Rodriguez was going to do with Rose McGowan. I loved her in his movie “Planet Terror,” so I could definitely see him doing something awesome with the material. But using the Bond writers, and believe me, those Bond movies are so boring except for looking at Bond and the few action/set-pieces.

  • Nicholas J

    Playing devil’s advocate here, but I think this could be a fun movie, certainly a watchable late night Netflix selection. But I wouldn’t expect to make much of a ROI considering most people wouldn’t go to the theater for this.

    And to me, there’s nothing wrong with exploiting sex in movies, especially when you are making your intentions clear. This type of movie isn’t hiding what it is. Nobody’s mistakenly taking their kids to this. If you are easily offended by some innocent sexy fun, don’t watch it.

    I’d love for this to get made and have a huge release just to see what happens. Hearing suburban soccer moms around the country act like it’s a signal of the apocalypse would probably be more entertaining than the movie itself.

    • Hadley’s Hope

      Have you seen CQ? It is Roman Coppola’s only feature film which is a cool little meta-fictional retro sci-fi flick about moviemaking (why he never got to make more films while sister Sofia has a thriving indie career I’ll never know). The sci-fi scenes have that retro 60s Barbarella vibe. It’s not a big film, but it is fun and kind of groovy man. Perhaps going lower budget like CQ could be fun way to remake this and still bring in some money?

  • Tailmonsterfriend

    > You do this by giving people/things names that sound similar to who/what they are. For example, if I named an alien “Occarius,” and didn’t mention him for ten pages, you may not remember him when I brought him back

    Oh god, this is one of my biggest pet peeves. Folks. Please. Give things names that reflect exactly what they are. I remember reading a script a while back that talked about (I can’t remember the exact name [go figure], but it was something like) the “Evolved” who had all these superpowers, and who were different from the rest of humanity, and who were being hunted for being different, and who had to stop a big bad guy… Sound a little like the mutants from the X-Men? Because that’s exactly what they were. I mean, exactly.

    Call ‘em mutants, not evolved. Also, Walking Dead – please, please just call them zombies. Walkers? Biters? Really? I mean, I guess it’s a sincere attempt at deliberate self-unawareness to keep the tone dark (because somehow, zombies have become funny; thanks, Simon Pegg), but come on.

    Of course, there’s a dark side to this as well. The same naming convention (“Call it what it is”) that gave us Darth Vader, the Death Star, the Force, etc. also gave us unobtainium and transformium. So, you know, there’s always that.

    Relevant Penny Arcade strip:

    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2014/07/14/winston-smith

    • Hadley’s Hope

      There was an episode of The Tick cartoon where some aliens powered their starship with “lint warp”. Lint as in pocket lint. I got a kick out of that.

  • Hadley’s Hope

    I don’t know why Hollywood is so intent on remaking so many obscure films these days, especially in the sci-fi and fantasy genres. I say obscure because let’s face reality here. Are the 14-25 year olds who go to see Transformers and Batman and the inevitable remake of some other property like Street Fighter the video game, are they really gonna give a hoot about Barbarella? Beyond some groovy sci-fi visuals and tame PG-13 nudity, are they really waiting anxiously for a remake of this?

    There are hundreds, heck thousands of old and new sci-fi novels that could just as easily be adapted into film. Just yesterday I was browsing the sci-fi section at the local used bookshop. Just from reading the synopsis on the back of some old novels, there are plenty of more interesting ideas and stories out there that could be used as the basis of a film. The film rights are likely available for a cheap price or option. They also wouldn’t have the fanbase raging over changes to the story. Look at Blade Runner. They took the basic story and premise of Philip K. Dick’s “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” and made it into a film that shared themes and elements yet also works on its own as a singular cinematic work. Blade Runner is not Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. It doesn’t rely on a massive pre-built fanbase. Yes, Hollywood loves pre-built audiences, but those mega properties are few and far between. Even the now almighty The Walking Dead and Game of a Thrones were not that well known outside of the comic book nerd and sci-fi/fantasy geek demographics.

    Barbarella is not a hot property. To today’s audiences, it might as well be a tattered old pulp sci-fi novel on sale for a buck twenty-five at the used bookstore.

  • brenkilco

    Caught an interview with her. Don’t mean to be snide but it was a little scary. Why can’t attractive actresses under forty five just leave their faces alone? For that matter why would an attractive fifty year old pay big bucks to look like a thirty five year old corpse? Meg Ryan would probably still be getting mom parts if she hadn’t savaged herself so completely. Don’t get it.

  • Christian Zilko

    Carson, I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. I heard that this is going to be an amazon series, with Refn producing and directing the pilot. Which would explain the length.

    http://screenrant.com/nicolas-winding-refn-barbarella-tv-series/

  • Scott Strybos

    Twenty screenwriting tropes we never need to see again:

    http://io9.com/20-screenwriting-tricks-and-tropes-we-never-need-to-see-1605803781

    • Hadley’s Hope

      While the author makes some good points, some are things that could be tweaked a bit into clever twists of the cliche. Daddy issues? Revenge plots? Those still have plenty of gas if executed in a thoughtful manner. A lot of people have daddy (or parent) issues. Same with revenge. These are at least universal relatable topics.

      I also have to wonder what would have happened if Avatar went with a black protagonist instead of white Australian Sam Worthington. Instead of the outrage over “white savior” we’d hear how it is a racist work implying that the (black) Jake Sully character ends up returning to his tribal roots while all the white people are the smart scientists and CEOs that build the starships and space colonies. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No one bats an eye over white American accented farm boy Luke Skywalker saving an entire galaxy of diverse humanoid as well as alien beings all with their own distinct cultures.

      Although I must admit, having read articles on io9 over the past few years, I get the impression that their bloggers and general commentariat have the notion that no one should write anything new because a trope might slip into the story or film, making it worthless as a narrative work.

      • Earl Theatre

        A very true statement in your second paragraph. But personally I would like to see more diversity when writers create their protagonist.

        • Hadley’s Hope

          I agree. More diversity is a good thing.

      • Casper Chris

        Re: Second paragraph.

        The article author wrote:

        AKA the plot of Avatar, and many, many other movies and TV shows. The “white guy is the chosen savior” plot is overplayed enough in general, but it’s especially bad when everybody who needs saving is a poor native or some other species. Just give it a rest — maybe let the natives save the white guy instead, for once.

        Ehm, didn’t the native girl (Zoe Saldana’s character) save Jake Sully earlier in the film?

        The author is probably non-white.

        • Hadley’s Hope

          Yes, Zoe Saldana’s character also went into battle at the end of the movie alongside the white dude. So did the Mexican chopper pilot (Michelle Rodriguez), the nerdy guy, and a bunch of other Na’vi warriors. Then the planet’s Gaia-like collective consciousness rallied a bunch of wildlife to join in the battle.

          I’m not saying Avatar was some landmark film for diversity, but it wasn’t exactly Rambo or Commando, where one white bad ass dude takes on an entire army and wins.

          • Casper Chris

            Yea, seems like a bad example to use. Hell, “the white guy” was even handicapped so the handicap banner was toted as well.

          • Hadley’s Hope

            That’s another good point.

            I think a lot if it has to do with Avatar being such a hot button topic among movie fans and sci-fi geeks due to the insane hype it had leading up to its release. Just like Titanic, a lot of people wanted it to fail badly, because they perceive James Cameron as some evil jerk, and when it didn’t they got really mad. The hard core sci-fi fans also seem to get annoyed when something in their beloved genre crosses over into mainstream popularity and success.

    • Franchise Blueprints

      Somebody please tell me WHY that cat was in the CLOSED medicine cabinet!!!! I literally ROTFLMAO. Also that one cat that got thrown 3 times in one scene. And if a little PUSSY

      (wait for it)

      (waittttt for it)

      (waitttttttttttt)

      (just a little longer)

      (okayyyyyyyy)

      CAT had teeth and screeched in the middle of the night I would be scared too.

    • Paul Clarke

      I agree with most, except:

      7) “A wise person once told me [something you told me an hour ago]”

      Can work if done correctly. Especially when used ironically. The villain teaches the hero a lesson and they use that wisdom against them. It’s just your job as a writer to make it not corny. Showing the character has learned something is a powerful technique done well.

  • Franchise Blueprints

    One word. TROMA

    • Franchise Blueprints

      Has anybody noticed the increased level of graphic violence in recent Troma films. a.k.a Hobo with a Shotgun.

  • brenkilco

    I’d argue the opposite. Recent Bond movies are anti-nostalgia. They aren’t intended to appeal to anyone’s love of the original films. Gone is everything that made Bond Bond: the larger than life villains, the outrageously imaginative sets, the one liners, the vicarious wallowing in dreamland luxury, the over the top but witty action, the controlled tongue in cheek attitude. All that’s left is the name. And that should really be Bourne, Jason Bourne. Selling a new product under an old brand name isn’t nostalgia. It’s a bait and switch. In this case one that seems to satisfy most younger filmgoers.

    • Unfinishe

      Bond is what makes Bond Bond, and he’s still, so far as I know, a gambling, womanizing, alcoholic psychopath. Yes, the stories have come to reflect a post 9/11 Bourneish political landscape, but they didn’t transform the central character into a monogamous triathlete.

  • successor

    I can’t remember much about Barbarella except that I absolutely hated it. God, that was such a terrible film! All I can remember is Jane Fonda floating in zero g having sex or something with some terrible song in the background. I do remember the movie’s pace was so slow and dull that I nearly turned it off. Hell, it didn’t even work as camp. Why Hollywood would want to remake this turd is anybody’s guess.

    Turning to a different subject, for once I will actually agree with Carson about names in sf stories. Why do science fiction novelists and screenwriters insist on making long, difficult to pronounce names for their stories? Do they really think it makes their universes sound more alien and intriguing? Well, it doesn’t; it just makes it more annoying to read. For example, anybody ever read any C.J. Cherryh? The woman’s ridiculous habit of throwing a bunch of consonants together and calling it an alien’s name was enough to make me stop reading her. Even Frank Herbert can’t escape this annoying habit in his Dune books. Just call the Kwisatz Haderach the messiah or a superman. And don’t get me started on the fantasy writers who suffer from apostropheitis. Not every fantasy hero’s name needs three apostrophes in it.

  • JakeDubb

    OT: Sex Tape now has a 29% on RT. Another huge spec sale that’s getting critically shit on.

    • Casper Chris

      Set itself up with that title.

    • cjob3

      I’d heard that script was really old, no? Like ‘it was originally a VHS’ old.

  • Malibo Jackk

    OFF TOPIC

    From Deadline dot com —
    Warning that Internet video distribution could, like cable television,
    become “dominated by a few vertically-integrated conglomerates,” the WGA West made its last pitch to the FCC today for proposals to protect Internet neutrality. The FCC is expected
    to hand down its new policy on the issue within a few weeks, following the close today of a public-comment period on the latest proposal to regulate Internet transmission of video and other data.

  • Citizen M

    Genius idea. What about a sort of meta-Barbarella?

    Kate Upton is flown to the ISS to do the zero-gravity strip for Barbarella. While she’s orbiting, a mystery plague wipes out all the females on Earth. The last hope for humanity is to bring Kate Upton down. The Watchers are the NASA mission controllers. The baddie is Putinia, a gay Russian cross-dresser who caused the mystery plague and who plans to clone a Slav army and reduce all men to his slaves.

    Rael is a techie with the film crew on the ISS who must override the destruct commands Putinia has sent to the Soyuz to prevent Kate Upton’s return. Meanwhile a coronal mass ejection has been observed. The radiation will hit Earth in three days and render Kate Upton sterile if she’s still in orbit because there’s not enough shielding on the ISS. Rael must talk Kate into falling pregnant immediately just in case they can’t return her.

  • astranger2

    I wasn’t much for the Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan Bonds — but Daniel Craig is everything James Bond is, was, and should be in a double-0-seven, imho…