THE WINNER OF WEEK 7 HAS BEEN LISTED BELOW

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The Scriptshadow Tournament pits 40 amateur screenplays against each other that you, the readers of the site, will vote on. Ultimately YOU will decide the winner. Today we have the seventh group of entries. You can see who won Week One here, who won Week Two here, who won Week Three here, who won Week Four here, who won Week Five. And finally, who came out on top last week.

Read as much as you can from each of the entries and vote for the week’s winner in the comments section. Although it’s not required, your vote will carry more weight if you explain why you chose the script (doesn’t have to be elaborate, just has to be convincing). I say “carry more weight” because a vote for a script without any explanation from an unknown voter may be seen as fake and not count towards the tally. I will announce the winner of this week here, in this post, on Sunday, 10pm Pacific time. That script will then go into the quarterfinals. Good luck.

Title: Thrills, Kills and Scotch
Genre: Drama, Thriller, Dark Comedy
Logline: When a figure from his past is hired at his prestige magazine, a creative director reignites a destructive rivalry that threatens both their sanities.
Writer: Mayhem Jones

Title: Seeing Red
Genre: Drama/Action
Logline: A group of docile 1950’s housewives are forced to fight for survival when the men in their town start inexplicably turning into monsters.
Writer: Joseph Scalise

Title: Odysseus and His Boy
Genre: Period
Logline: With only one night to act, two rival soldiers must sneak behind enemy lines to complete a last-ditch suicide mission that will finally put an end to a decade-long conflict.
Writer: Steffan DelPiano

Title: The Fuck-Ups
Genre: Action/Buddy Comedy
Logline: An irascible, homeless vet reluctantly teams up with a young, gung-ho soldier to recover a closely guarded secret in the modern day jungles of Vietnam.
Writers: Wally White & Marc McTizic

Title: The Boom Town Beast
Genre: Gothic Horror/Thriller
Logline: On the eve of World War I, a misanthropic drifter must catch a bloodthirsty beast to save an industrial town and its people. But when a shocking truth emerges, it threatens to unleash the beast in everyone.
Writers: Patrick Buckley & Joseph Ackroyd

WINNER OF WEEK 7: “Thrills, Kills, and Scotch” by Mayhem Jones. Tremendous job, Mayhem. I haven’t read the script but the one thing I know about Mayhem is that she’s got voice to spare. When the competition is even, otherwise, an original voice will help elevate you above the pack. Something to keep in mind for all aspiring screenwriters. Thanks again to Scott for his tireless work on the voting. Reading through the mini-quotes is quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of this process. Next week is the last week of the first round (then we get Wild Card Week). Seeya then!

  • -n8-

    Feels very eerie to comment first

    • -n8-

      Like I’m the token minority in a 80s slasher flick…

      • -n8-

        …about to be the first casualty

        • Scott Crawford

          Timing of these posts has been off all week. Fortunately, I’ve had a cold most of this week, so I’m stuck in front of the computer able to refresh every few minutes. important to get my post first so I can find it when comments hit 400!

          • -n8-

            Smart!

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Maybe if you started out by READING the scripts… ?

      • Scott Crawford

        Don’t be so damn miserable.

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Haha, “miserable”? :D :D
          Internet forums are a weird beast where everyone is entitled to post and comment but with no room for personal opinions especially the ones that don’t gel with the majority :) But oh the delicious pleasure of beating on someone from behind the safety of a computer screen…

          Seriously though, am I really the only one here to find these “First comment, bitches!!” utterly ridiculous and not wanting to wade through vacuous reply after vacuous reply before actually getting to something interesting? This place has changed too much.

          • -n8-

            I apologize. My weak attempt at humor. Sorry.

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            No need to apologize – contrary to what it looks like, I actually have no animosity towards anyone here. Just personal opinions that admittedly can be a little “sharp” :)

          • Scott Crawford

            Fair enough. We DO want sharp opinions.

          • Scott Crawford

            Don’t worry, they’ll be over 400 comments by the end of the weekend! It’s just passing time until people have had a chance to look at the scripts… or just wake up.

            Meanwhile, my “tally” is in moderation because I edited it too much. So I’m stuck for things to do.

          • disqus_i7JsR3MXQ

            No, you’re not the only one who finds the “first, third, eighth or whatever comment, bitches” stupid as fuck. It was funny for a couple days, but now it’s gone way past idiotic.

            And I love “sharp” opinions…but I want the Bride back.

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a985b73909a2da2137fd00cd6768086aca0dd3797cd2386c36c3df2d4024df02.jpg

  • Scott Crawford

    Placeholder

    • Dan J Caslaw

      Another vote for Odysseus and His Boy.

      • Scott Crawford

        Noted. But any comments for the writer, any feedback?

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Hm. Your above comment is “awaiting moderation”. Weird.
          I wanted to reply but couldn’t so here goes:
          “Well, no contest, I’m afraid : A THRILL, a couple of KILLS and a large SCOTCH for me, dry as they come :)
          I sure hope one day to come down with a severe case of Mayhemitis and write a crazy a$$ script in one week ^^”

          • gazrow

            Great minds think alike lol :)

          • Mayhem Jones

            I shall ship you my first batch of MAYHEMITIS!! Watch out though…no cure!!!!!

        • Dan J Caslaw

          Edited my vote. Also, Carson – Scott’s original comment’s gotten spammed for some strange reason.

          • Scott Crawford

            If I edit too much it goes into moderation. Don’t worry about it. And thanks, I can add a quote from you!

          • Dallas Cobb

            I don’t think editing has anything to do with it. Someone is definitely flagging posts, or disqus is having problems. My comment for this weekend is pending…for what? None of my other comments EVER have been flagged, and I didn’t my post at all once submitting it.

          • Scott Crawford

            I flagged an anonymous contributor for calling Comma an a-hole, then the comment in which I said I did this was deleted, making it look as if I Said something bad. I’m going to be very careful this weekend.

          • garrett_h

            Grendl?

          • Dallas Cobb

            Nope, not Grendl. Pettier and more cowardly than Grendl ever would be.

          • garrett_h

            Lol no, I was saying that maybe Grendl is the one doing it.

          • Dallas Cobb

            lol I know what you were saying, and I’m saying whoever is/was doing it is more cowardly and pettier than Grendl ever would be, so I don’t think it’s him. I wasn’t calling myself pettier and more cowardly than Grendl, come on haha.

          • garrett_h

            LMFAO! OK gotcha. Yeah, I thought that was weird… lmao.

          • garrett_h

            It probably got too many likes too fast. lol jk

      • Steffan

        Thanks for the vote, Dan.

        I’ve been writing screenplays for close to nine years now and this is the first time where I think I reached the level of “deep characterization.” I’m happy that you noted that promise.

    • Dallas Cobb

      What a crazy Friday already, technology wise, social profile sites wise, and weather wise!
      Not sure if you got my email bud, but my vote was for TKS — don’t want it to look like I voted and wildcarded the same script!
      Okay, back to driving in this FLASH FLOOD from Mass to Connecticut!
      Had to stop at a rest area and get some pretzel bites, you know, in case I die on this highway and never get to have Auntie Anne’s ever again!

      • Scott Crawford

        I better explain, I wasn’t at my computer and I was trying to edit my comment on my iPad Mini 4. If anyone’s tried to edit on a tablet or phone you might know how fiddly it can be and it’s not too difficult to put the vote in the wrong place.

        • Eric Boyd

          Hey Scott,

          Your vote tally is stuck in moderation so I’m casting my vote for Thirlls, Kills, and Scotch here.

          I gave the other scripts about 10 to 15 pages to see if they would hook me like TK&S did. Seeing Red probably came the closest, but felt like it was going to be too much of a slow burn for my taste, but I really like the double meaning in the title.

    • Scott Serradell

      Ok. My vote is for THRILLS, KILLS, AND SCOTCH.

      This is the kind of script I want to see produced: Character based, and with plenty of wit to spare. More so: So much of Mayhem’s voice comes out here and, above all, this is what I want celebrated in writing. I WANT to hear someone speaking to me, moving me through the details of the world they have created. This is not an allowance; this is passion, pure and simple…

      Which is what I wanted to see from “Odysseus and His Boy”. The story was there…But I wanted Steffan to pound the page as a blacksmith would an anvil; I wanted fire! I wanted something with ancient strength. And that, in the end, was the deciding factor for me. But it was a hard decision.

      • Steffan

        Thanks for the consideration, Scott.

        I sure did enjoy the meatiness of TK&S the same way you did; but, I got so much flack in the past with the literariness of some of my other entries (I’m looking at you INHUMAN) that I wanted to make the script, itself, easy to read, but layer the shit out of what would be seen on the screen.

        I don’t know if you read the whole thing, but I’d give it another chance even just to see how I (attempted) to channel that “ancient strength” you were yearning for.

        • Scott Serradell

          Your attitude really impresses me. You’ve taken this weekend on with a healthy amount of humility and graciousness. It’s writers like you that keep up my effort of coming on here every Friday/Saturday and scratching a few comments for others. So, thanks.

          Re “Odysseus…” — Seek out New E’s comment (buried somewhere around here.) To add to his note about the difficulty with Homer’s dialogue in our modern world maybe check out Stephan Mitchell’s translation of “The Iliad”. It’s not better (than say Fagles)…But it is more relaxed. And perhaps see how he “modernized” the vernacular. It might help. Best of luck.

    • Citizen M

      Love the addition of blurbs to the votes.

      Thanks for all the work you put in doing the tallies.

    • gazrow

      Great job, Scott! :

    • Comma

      I don t know what i said with that ‘loose’ but it could mean something

  • Steffan

    It’s an honor to be in this weekend’s mix. I want to extend a good luck to everyone competing here. I hope, even if you don’t vote for Od. and His Boy, that you give it a chance.

    One of the goals I shot for with this script was to create an intimate story within an epic framework. I’m interested to see if the community here thinks that I succeeded or failed (and, more importantly, how to make it better).

    I’ll do my best to read everyone else’s offering and give an honest take on each of them.

    Full disclosure: I’m welcoming two new family members to the world this weekend (one came yesterday night) so I will be in and out of the hospital kissing babies and celebrating with my family for the next 48 or so. I will do my best to check in and answer any questions/comments about my script from time to time, but I won’t be able to have as intense a back and forth as I would hope.

    Again, it’s great to be back on the SS stage! Good luck all and keep the comments and criticisms coming… it’s what SS does best.

  • Wijnand Krabman

    Thrills, kills and scotch. This seems to be a collegedrama which normally bores the hell out of me. From the logline I understand that this is about a creative director I suppose this is the character some years later on because 19 is a little young for the job. You do a good job me not liking any of the characters and that’s a pity because you seem to me a good writer. Checking out at page 5.

  • Marija ZombiGirl

    NO VOTE YET. Will be back with that this weekend.

    THRILLS, KILLS & SCOTCH
    First 10: One FB, one FF, one FB – risky… As much as I loved the FF, I wouldn’t leave it in because I don’t find it absolutely essential to the story. Lots of characters to keep track of as well which is always a little confusing.
    Mayhem has a sure way with dialogue – I’m impressed :) As for the overall atmosphere and style, there’s a step-down from the wild ‘n wacky DEXTER STRANGE script but I don’t mean that in a negative way. Maybe it’s more like a side step in the sense that this feels like a script whereas DEXTER STRANGE felt more like a novel. And damn if she isn’t a good scriptwriter but that’s hardly a surprise. Still, it’s not always easy to follow making it feel like Mayhem’s thoughts are way ahead of her no doubt speed tapping fingers. Still, I want to read the whole thing and to me, there’s definitely a movie in there.

    SEEING RED
    First page: the meat cleaver slamming down on a bloody piece of meat is way overdone (and if it is a really choice cut, one wouldn’t treat it so disrespectfully ;) ).
    (Watch out for spaces after ellipses, missing words or commas – p1, VO, a “like” missing; p3, “You know, Vic”)
    I liked the first 10 and I like the premise. That American 1950’s feel is pretty nice for a movie and I also feel like reading the whole script.

    THE BOOM TOWN BEAST
    Love the logline! Let’s see if I love the first 10 enough to read the whole thing :)
    (later)
    Yes indeed! I didn’t stop to take notes so more later.

    THE FUCK-UPS
    Bottom of p2: “YOUR purse long gone”
    Top of p3: “They are THE only people on the street”
    Um… A living iguana? How much do they struggle over the purse? Those are not made of rubber…
    The character of Eddie doesn’t appeal to me so much that I feel like reading his story. I may read further this weekend.

    ODYSSEUS AND HIS BOY
    This seems familiar – has it already been featured or shared here? If not, I’m very sorry for confusing it with another script.
    Why the note at the bottom of p2?
    I’m sorry, I couldn’t get into this. It is very well written – maybe it’s because I read David Benioff’s amazing TROY only last week…

    • Steffan

      NO! This has never been featured or shared, marija. I wrote this script from concept to second draft in the time Carson allowed. This was truly a Whatever-This-Contest-Is-Called-Script.

      Another person asked, “Why the note on page two?”

      One of the big early twists revolves around a re-imagining of The Trojan Horse and I wanted to put in another (historically-based) re-imagining in the script as sort of a visual prelude to what was to come.

      Thanks for compliment.

  • Scott Crawford

    A red band LOGAN trailer?! Spot the difference (it’s at the end). Could LOGAN be R-rated? Should LOGAN be R-rated?

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      Damn, that song… Cash’s voice always gives me goosebumps.
      I’m not much into these movies despite Wolverine being a favorite character of mine and my comix collection is the biggest of the ones that I have. Still, Mangold’s previous effort was actually quite good so hopefully this’ll follow in its footsteps (um, claw marks?).

      • Scott Crawford

        They’re not spending as much money it looks like, that’s smart. I think you’re going to see that a lot more with tentpoles and franchises, they can’t spend $200 million plus on all of them. Instead, we’re being drawn in here with character, story, and tone. I think it looks great.

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          It really does, yes. And there seems to be a slight shift in this kind of movie for something with more substance. Hallelujah ^^

          • Scott Serradell

            OT…But that’s a good looking horse there Marija.

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            Thanks :)
            I’ve only had him for a couple of weeks but yeah, he’s exactly what I hoped he’d be. As you can see, we’re already great friends. His name is Jesse James ^^

          • klmn

            Yeah, he is a good looking horse, from what we can see of him.

            Do you have a bigger you could post?

          • Marija ZombiGirl
          • klmn

            He looks good, but someone roached his mane.

          • Marija ZombiGirl

            He combs it over to his good side :)

          • Citizen M

            His favorite author is Edgar Allan Poe-ny.

      • klmn

        I just think guys shouldn’t have long fingernails.

  • Lucid Walk

    Damn, this one’s tough.

    But if I had to choose one…lie detector, hand on the Bible, gun to my head…

    Odysseus and His Boy

    • Steffan

      Thans, Lucid! I promise the gun wasn’t loaded and the Bible had a rock hammer hidden inside. Plus, the lie detector didn’t have batteries.

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpjCroELCew Carmelo Framboise

    Congratulations to the writers!

    I am not gonna read or vote this week cause I got two pitches (one film and one business). I have only pitched once more in my life and now I got two in a row. What are the odds?

    • Scott Crawford

      Whoah, whoah, whoah! Back up. Did you just say you have a pitch… to a producer? An agent? Tell us more – dish, dish, dish!

      • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpjCroELCew Carmelo Framboise

        Reportedly there will be many producers for the short script I am always bragging about. This doesn’t mean anything. They might all pass. :)

        • Scott Crawford

          Remember… from now on you tell people “producers were interested in my script.” Always spin it, without lying.

        • Marija ZombiGirl

          Right. DO NOT EVER say that it doesn’t mean anything – of course it does! Be proud of your achievements :) We know that a movie is only a movie once it can be checked out on a screen somewhere because we write them. But Joe Public doesn’t. So have no qualms about “bragging” ;)

    • GreenBlooded

      Congrats! Good luck!

    • romer6

      Imagine the producer is naked and everything will be alright! Unless he/she is actually naked…

    • Scott Serradell

      Best of luck!

      • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpjCroELCew Carmelo Framboise

        Thank you!

  • Wijnand Krabman

    Seeing red. I would call this horror. It is an entertaining read got to page 15 and then started skimming. You go quickly into the action which is a little to fast I guess because you describe a very vivid fifties society from which I would learn some more. there is a lot going on worth showing. After page 15 it’s is all about the women trying to escape their husbands. i like the twist at the end very much.

  • Wijnand Krabman

    Odysseus and his boy. Some time ago on this site we had a similar AOW entry, check out its great opening sequence.
    The fuck ups, I’m not laughing in the first pages, check out.
    The boom town beast, to much prose for me, check out on page one.

    • Steffan

      Wijnand,

      A couple of others mentioned this before. I don’t remember the script you guys are talking about and I’ve read SS for six years now. Do you know it’s name?

      • Wijnand Krabman

        It was the Iliad, it’s no longer on this site. maybe scott has a copy?

        Title: The Iliad
        Genre: War epic / Sword and sandal
        Logline: A gritty adaptation of Homer’s epic, following the exploits of the (anti)heroes and gods who fought in the last days of the legendary Trojan War.
        Why You Should Read: Longtime lurker, never-time poster. Hopefully a few people have read / are familiar with the ILIAD and its impossible to adapt content. I appreciate any (except the bad) feedback. Thank you.

        • Wijnand Krabman

          posted nov. 7 2015 AOW

  • Comma

    Very interesting loglines this week, I don’t know where to start.

    • Scott Crawford

      Alphabetical order?

  • brenkilco

    OT before I jump into the scripts, but since I’m one of those who mourns the passing of smart genre movies I’m saddened and a little perplexed by what appears to be the utter failure of Jack Reacher 2. Mediocre, dull, formulaic, meandering, badly written, like an old made for TV movie. And those are the good reviews. I mean a guy who, though I don’t care for him, remains one of the biggest movie stars in the world, able to command all the A talent that Hollywood can muster, with a series of successful novels as a foundation, can’t manage to churn out a decent action thriller. Call it the curse of Liam Neeson. On the distaff genre side, the recent Girl On The Train was a similar fizzle. Why does it seem so hard for tinseltown to produce decent action/suspense/mystery material. Used to be the industry’s bread and butter. Very depressing.

    • Scott Crawford

      I saw it yesterday and I don’t recognize any of those comments. And the audience I was with shut up and paid attention throughout, which for Feltham is the highest compliment you can get. So this is really the death of good film reviews.

      • brenkilco

        Hope I agree with you but at this point I’ll probably wait till it shows up on home video.

        • Scott Crawford

          Fair enough, it has the aspects of a TVM but that’s what I liked about it. It was like reading a really good novel, just a series of events moving towards a conclusion but not trying to change the world.

          Key thing is that JR2 didn’t cost a lot of money to make, so it will probably turn a profit even if its performance if disappointing (which I doubt), so hopefully we’ll see more of these adaptations in the future.

    • Kirk Diggler

      Is Cruise still one of the biggest stars in the world? I have a sneaking suspicion he isn’t. Most Americans don’t give a shit about his movies anymore and the box office supports this notion. I suppose he still draws some decent international numbers, but think about who he’s working with and who he isn’t. Do the really big directors want to work with Cruise? Nolan, Fincher, Iñárritu? Nope.

      I think Cruise still believes he’s a huge star, and the people who finance his films think him a huge star, but the movie-going public has been over Tom Cruise the moment he jumped off the couch.

      • brenkilco

        Are there actually any stars anymore? People whose names alone put asses in seats. I’d say no. Decaprio? Gosling? Pitt? Be serious. Hell, the most dependable moneymaker today is The Rock. Cruise has his MI franchise. And might have had another if this thing had worked. So I suppose he has as good a claim as anybody.

        • Kirk Diggler

          I’d say yes to DiCaprio. Think about his films. Doesn’t make superhero or franchise IP. Look at his world wide grosses for some of his recent films.

          The Revenant – 523m
          Wolf of Wall Street – 392m
          Great Gatsby 350m
          Inception 825m
          Shutter Island 294m

          The only recent stinker was J. Edgar.

          Big directors want to work with him, Spielberg, Scorcese, Nolan, Tarantino. He was the main draw in each of the above films. That’s pretty good box office considering the current climate of marketing to the lowest common denominator, don’t you think?

          • brenkilco

            Dunno. In both cases the films themselves and two world class directors operating in peak form were the real draws. In a routine film I don’t think he matters that much.

  • Mayhem Jones

    ::enjoying my usual breakfast of birthday cake:: WHEN…

    HOLY MOTHER!!!!!!!!! Honored!!!!! Thanks so freakin’ much, C-dawg! Wow. OK, so I will NOT post my pitch to Carson out of profound EMBARASSMENT, but….

    IT INCLUDED: Elon Musk, people living in vans in Google parking lots, a fight at Payless Shoes, a tree destroying my car’s sunroof, the Burger King Whopperito, Woody Allen, things getting run over by cars, Amber Heard, ETC, ETC, ETC.

    SUPER THANKS to anyone who gives mine a look!!!!! Caramel apple croissant donuts for EVERYONE!!!!!! Unless you don’t like donuts!!!!!!! Then, give yours back!!!!!!!! I’ll eat it later!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Marija ZombiGirl

      I’m reading it all. Do I get a box of six caramel apple croissant donuts, please? That should last me your 88ps ;)

      • Mayhem Jones

        Currently buying a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise and putting it IN YOUR NAME!!!!!

        • Scott Crawford

          Call me sexist, but I’m loving the fact that there are women on here who like eating!

    • klmn

      Was it a tree that destroyed your car’s sunroof, or merely a log?

      I’ll open all the scripts and vote before the deadline. I like that you wrote a dark comedy

    • garrett_h

      I’m an unabashed fast food fan, but that godawful Whopperito looks… welll… what’s the word? GODAWFUL.

      Congrats on getting picked, and good luck!

    • sandy

      Regarding your logline, I suggest starting with the creative director as reading two impersonal pronouns before we have a main character is confusing. Even just switching the logline around is cleaner.

      A creative director reignites a destructive rivalry when a figure from his past is hired at his prestige magazine.

      Then you can worry about adding meat, potatoes and other nourishing foodstuffs.

      • Mayhem Jones

        Mind = blown. LOVE THAT! You rock Sandy!!

    • Magga

      Very under the weather, but if I’m better before the deadline is over I’m definitely reading the whole thing, and looking forward to it

      • Mayhem Jones

        WOWOW!!! And oh no, feel better VR buddy!!

    • smishsmosh22

      I like donuts and caramel, but I don’t like apples when they’re cooked.

    • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

      Congrats Mayhem. I’ll read your script this week and drop you some extra feed.

      • Mayhem Jones

        Amazing, Cal!!! But ONLY if you have time… truth be told, I had the day off and looked at some of the notes and may be rearranging the hell outta this thing, if I can! I don’t want you to waste your time if there’s going to be a lot of changes! =D

        • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

          All good Mayhem. I have the time, already read it. Here’s what I jotted down while reading…

          -pg. 8 He ‘coolly’ gazes outside. — missed an ‘l’ in there, ‘coolly’ is one of my favorite words : )

          – I’m liking a lot of the terminology and locations. It feels very knowledgable and classy and ultimately real. Pg. 9 Le Cure Poisson, for example — it sounds like a real place to me, and if isn’t, it sure comes off like one — it’s giving me a fell for the time and place and world.

          -Pg. 14 The scene where Aiden first meets Emma reminds me of a scene from ‘Factory Girl.’ I really liked that movie. It had a great feel to it.

          -pg. 49 Ian Edward – Aiden Ward — cool. stories picking up now, it seem to kind of coast a long for a while, but the writing was stylistic and engaging and got me to this point.

          pg. 57 ‘Finland has the best mints.’ — loved that line.

          pg 57. AIDEN parenthetical (‘coolly’, dark) — coolly again : )

          Overall, I think what you have going most for you with this piece is style. I’ll be honest, I found it hard to follow. It got really psychological, and sometimes that is hard to transfer to the reader from the page. I liked the feel and style, but it just sorta lost me the further I read into it. Sounds like you already planned to do a lot of re-writing, so I trust you got some new ideas for it. Good news, in my opinion, is that you have a cool-stylistic piece that could make a cool art house indie and maybe pull a savvy director if you tighten the story up. Congrats on winning again. All the best in your continued writing.

          • Mayhem Jones

            HAHA! I literally made a post-it saying: “COOLLY!!!!!!!!!!” Amazing! Thanks so much for reading and your thoughts! I just told a friend that I have AT LEAST 6 MONTHS of re-writing to do on this bad boy–but will do what I can for the next round….which I think is only in a few weeks!!?? AHHHHHHHHH!!! ;D

          • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

            it’s a great word.

  • Scott Crawford

    If you’ve read a bit of al the scripts, are you saying you’re not voting or you’re voting “none of the above” (as we’ve tended to call it)?

    • -n8-

      Actually, I’ll vote. Odysseus and his boy.

  • Rexx

    Once again, we have five new scripts, and some utterly crappy loglines to go with them.

    When are writers around here going to get serious about what they do? They’ll spend weeks, months, or even years writing their scripts, and then they throw together a logline in five minutes with almost zero thought behind it.

    This is because, as has been proven time and time again around here, new writers don’t value the concept of what a logline is supposed to do, and/or they don’t understand that loglines are one of THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF SCREENWRITING.

    This website is viewed by producers and studio executives every single day, and these writers who get a chance to showcase their work throw away this golden opportunity every single fucking time.

    When a figure from his past is hired at his prestige magazine, a creative director reignites a destructive rivalry that threatens both their sanities.

    This is all set-up. We need more meat on the bone. All I know is that one guy is a creative director. I know nothing of the other guy. And the only thing at stake is his “sanity”. I’m suppose to read a 100+ pages just for that?

    A group of docile 1950’s housewives are forced to fight for survival when the men in their town start inexplicably turning into monsters.

    Not the worst. Relatively interesting concept, but once again, this is nothing but set-up. What’s the fricking story here? Why are people not telling us what their “story” is about? Are you expecting us to read your scripts on nothing but faith?

    With only one night to act, two rival soldiers must sneak behind enemy lines to complete a last-ditch suicide mission that will finally put an end to a decade-long conflict.

    Probably the best of a bad bunch, but that’s nothing to feel good about. We have a ticking clock (but no real reason is given why). The fact that they are “rival” soldiers is a plus point. It implies conflict. But we have no idea who or what either soldier is fighting for, or what country they’re from. They could literally be any soldier on the planet. It’s so vague you might as well as not bothered telling me about either one. I know nothing either way. Last ditch suicide mission is at least interesting and exciting, but I still have no context for it.

    An irascible, homeless vet reluctantly teams up with a young, gung-ho soldier to recover a closely guarded secret in the modern day jungles of Vietnam.

    Oh, here we go again. We have a “secret” in the logline. The writer believes that that mention the word “secret” and we’re all supposed to be desperate to read this thing to find out what this utterly non-specific “secret” is that means absolutely nothing to anyone. When are people going to wake up to this dismal practice writing the word “secret” in their loglines. We get dozens of loglines around here every week with that word. Wake up.

    On the eve of World War I, a misanthropic drifter must catch a bloodthirsty beast to save an industrial town and its people. But when a shocking truth emerges, it threatens to unleash the beast in everyone.

    And here we go for the second time today. Not quite the word “secret” but instead we have a variation on it, a “shocking truth”. Ohhhhh, how mysterious, I just need to read 100+ page document to discover what this “shocking truth” must be. Or, I could just watch youtube instead. Or eat some cheetos. Or watch paint dry. Because that’s what you’re up against. A million other things in life. And if you want me, or any person/producer/agent/studio executive, to read your script and start climbing the ladder of this industry, you better entice me to read your shit with something better than a “shocking truth”

    There is undoubtedly some industry eyes looking at this article RIGHT NOW, and I hope they stop longer enough to open up one of your scripts, but I seriously doubt it. They inevitably glossed over the loglines and are now deciding what type of cereal to eat for breakfast. Some of you guys might have had a good chance, but you’ve blown it.

    • carsonreeves1

      As harsh as this comment is, it’s true. The loglines for this competition have been, by and large, brutal. I am totally aware how this might come off, but my logline consultations are pretty cheap. E-mail me and I can get you a logline you can actually do something with. these loglines can get you a shot in a competition where the other loglines are weak as well. But producers won’t even bother requesting these scripts with these current loglines.

      • Erica

        What’s email do I use your paid Logline service?

        Also if these loglines are so crappy, how did they make it into this round?

        • Malibo Jackk

          My guess — Carson is also looking at the WYSR (why you should read) and maybe even a few first pages.

          The logline is the industry calling card for most scripts. The people that matter don’t have time to read scripts — but they do read loglines.

        • Comma

          We don t know how are the other loglines…

        • Jaco

          I think he’s talking about all the loglines for the entire competition.

          There’s also been an issue with the basic concepts too – whether that’s due to the relatively short time period people were given to come up with ideas or whether people just plain don’t have good ideas is for someone else to figure out.

        • klmn

          carsonreeves1 at gmail dot com what he stated way back when.

          • Erica

            Cool thanks!

        • Wijnand Krabman

          very good question. Two answers: maybe the others were worse or they others were OK but didn’t match Carson’s taste.

  • Comma

    Oh I’m so disappointed. First and foremost, I should reed more (i read about 10 of each script). But i didn t find anything to hold on. I ll say what i think in a quite harsh way, nothing personal :) maybe it could help maybe not, trust yourself more than me. Don t know what to vote yet but it won t be odysseus and fuckups.

    Boom town beast
    It starts very cliché with a girl going out when it s dangerous, hearing footsteps behind her, being aggressed, falling into the main character (who saves her?).
    I liked the beast poster being updated with the glowing eyes detail. I liked the main carachter being called by the amplification system. But I don’t get why he’ called, why he must stay in town. I don’t know.

    The fuck ups
    I like the title. But the script starts not funny. It pretends to be funny but it’s not (for me).
    The writer calls a girl SWEET THING in all caps. I found it sexist. Let the character be sexist, and he is sexist and anthipathetic. A woman’s purse is stolen with “his Diamonds” then an iguane gets out of the purse. If there is a subtle double meaning i don’t speak english enough to get it (i hope it’s just me).

    Odysseus and his boy
    Boring since the title page “based on, etcetera” is it correct to put a comma there? It feels scholastic, pedantic, fo exemple when the author puts a note about the true trojan horse being a… I don t care, I prefere the horse version. In a movie.

    Seeing red
    I love the concept. Housewifes saving their housbands and the town in the 50ties. But it starts with too much clichés and random talk, then people with black eyes, cliché cliché…
    Can t identify the main character in ten pages.

    Thrills kills and scocth
    I like the title. The concept the title and the period make me think of MadMan… hard to compete in this territory.
    Ejected at the 3rd time jump. It starts with the character at 19teen, then a psychologue classic teasing scene, then 6 weeks before. I m sorry maybe it s just me but how many amateurs start with this set up?

    • disqus_i7JsR3MXQ

      Why do you always choose to be “harsh?” Is that your cop-out way for being an asshole (that’s rhetorical)? You should look up the word “tact,” it’s a much better, positive and PRODUCTIVE way of getting your opinion across. No, I don’t have a fragile ego, I just think it’s sad that you like being an aggressive asshole. Chill out grumpy Gus and have a croissant donut.

      • Scott Crawford

        Needless to say, I have flagged this comment.

        • disqus_i7JsR3MXQ

          So you support trashing other writers with “tough love?” I expected more from you.

          • Erica

            Freedom of speech only applies to government, not private companies or forums such as this.

          • Scott Crawford

            And on THIS forum, we try not call each a-holes.

          • disqus_i7JsR3MXQ

            What are you even talking about? Google First Amendment.

          • Jaco

            This is a private forum. So, no, you don’t. Carson can delete your comment for any reason, including being stupid. First Amendment doesn’t apply.

            It’s no different than if you were at a private cocktail party and you were thrown out because your opinions were stupid.

          • disqus_i7JsR3MXQ

            How in the hell do you consider this a private forum? Do you have to register, is there a membership, do have to enter a password or some special code, is there a secret handshake? NO. There are no restrictions for commenting, anyone can do it, and you don’t even need a Disqus account. So if EVERYONE ON THE PLANET IS ALLOWED TO MAKE A COMMENT (AND THEY ARE), THAT IS THE EPITOME OF PUBLIC.

            Just because someone can delete your comment doesn’t make it “private.” It just means there’s a moderator. Moderator and private are not synonymous, not even remotely.

            I’m sure you’re absolutely slaying that extra chromosome, but you should have your parents look over your comment before you hit enter next time, save yourself some embarrassment. And good luck with your telethon.

            It’s also really sad how many people don’t understand how our Amendments work.

          • Jaco

            You are quite uninformed. Sorry. Try researching beyond wikipedia and the like and maybe, just maybe you won’t sound like a raging idiot. Or not. End of the day, whether you can comprehend constitutional law matters not.

          • Guest

            It is privately owned.
            Ergo your first ammendment rights do not protect you from censorship here.
            It does not protect your comment from being flagged, blocked, deleted, etc
            And you would not be able to legally appeal once any action of that sort has been taken. So stop crying “first amendment”.

          • shadower

            You have the nerve to call other people embarrassing? You clearly have no understanding of the First Amendment, or free speech, or what constitutes public and private.

            Do yourself a favor, rub your two brain cells together and do a little research before you start telling people how things work. You’ll save yourself a lot of embarrassment.

            (Sidenote: it’s also hilarious seeing you complain about what one poster is saying, while simultaneously telling everyone else you have the right to say what you want. The irony is off the charts)

          • Miss Ma’am

            Maybe YOU should Google the First Amendment.

      • Scott Crawford

        My reply to this appears to have been deleted, not by me. In case people think I said something rude, I simply said that I had flagged this disqus guys comment for referring to Comma as an a-hole.

        • Comma

          Thanks ! Anyway, just to avoid this kind of discussion it is indeed a good idea to be less harsh :)

      • Comma

        I understand, I’ll try to be more positive in the tone, less harsh (but still honest and true about my thoughts).

    • Comma

      I feel bad for this discussion……..

    • Steffan

      Sorry you feel that way, comma. It might feel scholastic and pedantic also because the most scholastic and pedantic character of the bunch owns much of the first page.

      BTW This IS a horse version of the story.

      • Comma

        About the horse, i’m happy to hear that there is the famous and much loved horse in your story! This prouves how fallacious can be the first impression based on the first pages (and that comments based on a few pages should not be considered a deadly attack to the whole work).
        Still, I believe that this note doesn t serve the purpose:

        [Note: Some anthropologists believe that this horse-inspired
        battering ram is the real-world analog on which the mythic
        Trojan Horse is based.]

        I would prefere as a reader to feel that analogy rather than been teached about that by a note. And that misleaded me, making me think that the battering ram would have been the only horse in the story, the real thing on wich the myth was based.

  • brenkilco

    Read first 10 pages of Thrills, Kills. Lots of stuff happening. I have a few issues. First the script opens in 1961, but the period felt off. Post it notes weren’t invented till the early eighties. Marijuana use was nearly unknown among privileged college kids. Getting high was not an Eisenhower era expression. And pre-pill sex was a lot less casual and a much bigger deal. These scenes feel like they should be happening a good ten years later. Why is Charles lugging around a polaroid camera instead of one that could take pictures that could actually be put in the school paper? And just what is a Columbia towel? Is the writer suggesting the university supplies monogrammed towels like a fancy hotel?

    When we first meet Aidan he appears to be a suicidal schizophrenic. But a scene later the loss of his gf seems like no big deal. I get that Charles is supposed to be a superior asshole but the dialogue is straining for sophistication. We seem to be spending a lot of time just establishing that these two jerks don’t like each other. I’m wondering if it could be done more simply.

    Now this violent flash forward to establish that Charles is at some point going to go crazy and commit a murder. This is really jarring. The writer saying be patient. This isn’t just a meandering tale about rich assholes. And now a flashback to six months earlier with Aiden apparantly an even bigger asshole than Charles doing this American psycho thing droning on about brands and restaurants and his cuticles. Who cares? BTW I don’t know much about publishing but even in the days of Henry Luce I’m not sure people got super rich as magazine editors or were pampered like royalty. And we’re not told just what kind of magazine it is.

    At this point we’ve got an extremely unlikable protag and a narrative that wouldn’t appear to be going anywhere interesting but for an intrusive ff. Will keep reading because the writing is decent but I think this opening needs work.

  • Randy Williams

    THE FUCK UPS

    Congrats for making it on Round 1 of the Scriptshadow Tournament!

    Read to page 35. I’d like to read more if time allows. I really really like this concept. In life you often encounter homeless vets and you yearn for some better life for them because of their service. This script perfectly so far allows a homeless vet to show us that there’s some strength left in him to rise above his circumstances, lead the blind through something he has knowledge of and perhaps come out of this story with a better life.
    I think it nails the genre. The give and take between Matt and Eddie is perfect for an action buddy comedy. The first laugh out loud for me was the physical comedy on page 2. Not too much after that. Action has been limited so far.

    It starts off a bit rough. I wasn’t sure what time period we’re in. Uncle Sam posters give me a period piece. Then later it’s identified as 1995. I’m not sure Eddie’s age, born in 1955 is right. Might want to check that. As well, perhaps, make it clear this is some area of some insurgency in Vietnam. Nothing about history I know tells me Vietnam in 1995 was anything but blossoming and peaceful.

    The dialogue is a bit cliche at times. I almost stopped on page 21 with “You have to make him an offer he can’t refuse”. The jokes get better when they become situational in Vietnam, when they bounce off Eddie’s frustration with Matt.

    Pages 31-32 are examples of the stuff I feel really elevates this. Eddie’s knowledge because he’s been here before in contrast to the overconfidence of Matt. I’d push more of this stuff if it’s not there. More of the military knowledge that Eddie has, more of the “neat stuff” that only soldiers know in the field, so he becomes like a McGyver in leading Matt through this place and we military geeks are fully satisfied with the reveals.

    A nice start for a challenge script but needs lots of rewriting, I think. Would love to see something like this made.

  • Jai Brandon

    Congrats to the writers for being selected! Not to crash their Friday, but does anyone have time to look at a 15 pg short I’ll be producing? Wanna make sure the script is ready to shoot. Needless to say, I’ll be submitting the finished product to film festivals.

    You can leave your email here, or send one to Jai[dot]Brandon[at]gmail. Thanks!

    TITLE: Ergophobia
    GENRE: Dark Comedy
    LOGLINE: A home invasion proves to be an unexpected source of catharsis for a hardworking woman and her layabout boyfriend.

    • Sean Reardon

      I’ll give it a read, if you would send it: spreardon81(at)gmail(dot)com

  • bruckey

    I don’t know if they will make the BlackList be we’ll soon find out.
    Must be only a few weeks away.

    • Scott Crawford

      14th December 2016

      https://blcklst.com/calendar

      That’s 1 month 22 days 11 hours 35 minutes.

      • ScriptChick

        Has it ever been discussed if there is a better time than any (if any) to submit to the Black List? In terms of more eyeballs on your script, better chance of being nominated for Black List, or even months where there are more opportunities to get on whatever list/fellowship that has rolled out on the site. Curious…

        • Scott Crawford

          Well there’s not really “submitting” to the black list, at least I don’t think there is. I think, though, it’s like the oscars, better to release your script nearer to the deadline.

          I remember when I was a kid and I wrote away to competitions (yes, in my day you WROTE to completions) and I would wait until the last possible moment to send it in… so it would be on TOP of the mailbag.

          Was I being smart or not? I’m still not sure.

        • Jaco

          The list itself is distinct from the website – meaning it doesn’t really matter when you pay $$$ to host your script – it won’t get you on the actual Black List. I think there’s been a few scripts that did appear on the site, garnered reps, and then made the subsequent list – but those examples are few and far between.

          You get on the actual list by, for the most part, having a rep who gets your script circulated around town and (according to some) who has the ability to get execs to vote for the script when the ballot is passed around or nominations are solicited.

  • ocattorney

    I think it would help us … if you could post the scripts for next week now… If we haven’t made the list, we might be able to send you the email where we submitted them… can’t see what it would hurt

  • Randy Williams

    THRILLS, KILLS AND SCOTCH

    Congrats for making it on Round 1 of the Scriptshadow Tournament!

    Read to page 25. Want to read more. I feel I’m in capable hands, that a story is being weaved and I’ll be caught nicely somewhere and can’t get out. The writer’s own ability to tickle the mind, “so sharp it could cut lines”.

    I do feel comedy could be much more layered in in rewrites for me to enjoy this more. In that first scene, I thought for sure I was going to get some joke or physical comedy with the Swiss Army knife. I mean, I always believe, never let a prop go to waste. Especially since it’s so incongruent? (this script makes me want to use big words). In fact the first LOL for me came with something incongruent. With all the name dropping, liquor and five star dining offerings, when Aiden poo poos the thought of Ibiza with “Ibiza has a jellyfish problem” I was on the floor. So, perhaps something with the knife? He takes the bottle opener on it and opens a childproof cap? He files his toenails? Whatever.

    The second thing is the lack of eroticism in Aiden. I should have a hard on for him and I don’t. The hint at bisexuality for profit might come much sooner? Could we see him step out of a shower? Some hint of what he feels about his own body?

    Third, perhaps some exterior shots within those first 25 to give me a feel for the city that defines success as having a job there?

    Good stuff. I can see this getting some votes.

  • Poe_Serling

    7/8

    Congrats to all the featured writers this week.

    Just at a first glance, I can kind of picture all the project titles on a theater
    marquee, lobby poster, etc. That’s always a plus in my book.

    And the loglines?

    You got monster fighting housewives from the ‘50s, soldiers in a modern day
    jungle actionfest, a drifter in a boomtown horror setting, a legendary king…
    and rivals at a prestige magazine.

    Quite an interesting guest list to Carson’s weekly party. ;-)

    I probably head to boomtown first, then a quick visit with the housewives…
    and so on.

  • jbird669

    Congrats to all who got in this week! Put me down for The Fuck-Ups.

  • Scott Crawford

    Is Disqus down? Or are teams playing sports?

    Where are ya?!

    • Levres de Sang

      I’m wondering if Disqus was in fact down? I couldn’t get in for over an hour and only managed to do so once I’d cleared my cookies!

      • BMCHB

        Related to today’s cyber attack on US?

        • Scott Crawford

          Any idea who was behind it and what language they speak?

          • BMCHB

            Wouldn’t have a clue, sorry.

            Although, it could be that kid from The Core who hacked the planet once.

          • Scott Crawford

            Interesting fact (to me, anyhow): Rat’s demands went through several changes. First it was s “I want Star Trek tapes and Hot Pockets.” Then it was “I want SpongeBob SquarePants tapes and Hot Pockets.” before finally it became “I want Xena: Warrior Princess tapes and Hot Pockets.”

            I think they made the right choice.

          • klmn

            If it’s Wikileaks, that’s a worldwide organization. Assange is Australian, but he won’t be behind this – his internet is cut off. The predecessor of Wikileaks was in Iceland.

            Evidently there are six – or more – insurance files of documents that are rigged to drop if anything happens to Assange.

        • Scott Crawford

          They’re saying it’s supporters of Wikileaks. You know, the people trying to get Trump elected president.

          • BMCHB

            Gotcha. hard to keep with all this leaks/hacks stuff.

  • brenkilco

    First fifteen of Seeing Red. Turns out the title is good. The satirical fifties overlay is sort of on the nose. And there’s a fine line between poking fun at dull, superficial characters and scenes that are just dull. So far looks like a perfectly fine creature feature. The descriptions could be a little simpler and smoother. But it does make me wonder what a collaboration in the fifties between Douglas Sirk and Jack Arnold would have looked like. A bunch of repulsive, country club types who could deal with the mutilations but were desperate to destroy the monster before it destroyed the town’s reputation. In contention but I have to read the others.

  • Randy Williams

    SEEING RED

    Congrats for making it on Round 1 of the Scriptshadow Tournament!

    I read 30 pages. I noticed someone commenting that they liked the twist at the end, so I took a look at that. I really liked the writing, clear, crisp. The action is engrossing, the atmosphere nicely drawn for a period piece. It all seemed very authentic. My grandmother used to say, “Do you have cotton in your ears?” but she spelled cotton right. ;)

    The tone seems more horror, sometimes comedy horror, maybe political comedy horror than drama action. I think the genre label is totally off.

    I never got a grip on what the men are transformed into. We get claws at first, then “large man, pale skin, black eyes, drooping tongue”. They are repeatedly referred to as monsters but I’m picturing more zombie.

    I was intrigued that its so clearly telegraphed what is behind the men transforming. Hint. It causes cancer, and then the attacks occur and I was wondering with the wad shot so soon, what is left? It gave me a “Bird Box” vibe but without the creative hook that that script has.

    Finally, who is the audience for this? Drama fans will be appalled at the goriness. Action fans will be disappointed at the lack of real action. Horror fans need more gore. Comedy fans need more comedy. Personally, I think this works better as a political comedy or political thriller. Horror fans don’t appreciate the political that much, I doubt most of the audience these days watching horror movies even understands the title, wouldn’t know Dulles from Dallas, but political fans would appreciate the horror. There are bits and pieces of the political in here already but they could be expanded. The twist involves a political conspiracy, even mirroring 9/11 being an inside job. I’d go all out with a much more intelluctual discussion of society at that time and lay the groundwork earlier for the twist. Make it less zombie and more Stepford husbands gone mad. I think the writer is capable of much more but seems to be dumbing things down for a mass audience? Just my feel.

    Writing deserves some votes, but feel the lack of a real hook and tonal problems may cost it some votes?

  • Scott Crawford

    Best of luck, man! Stay safe.

  • Randy Williams

    ODYSSEUS AND HIS BOY

    Congrats for making it on Round 1 of the Scriptshadow Tournament!

    Honestly, I like watching these kinds of movies but don’t like reading the scripts for them. So, there’s that hurdle, but the writer here writes with such a cinema feel. I can feel the heat, choke in the clouds of dust, hear the scratch of the audio track as scenes are spliced into others. The writing makes it so much easier for someone like me to digest.
    I read until Pyrrhus accepts the position as Ajax’s page. I can see this script appeals to the actioners, the historians and those who want a story with heart. I don’t want to read more but I can see others definitely wanting to.
    I can see this getting a good share of votes.

    • Steffan

      Thanks for the consideration, Randy. You’re a class act and always are here on the forum.

  • Scott Crawford

    “the one I would possibly buy a ticket for tonight”

    THE key phrase people need to remember. Well put, mthaslett.

  • smishsmosh22

    We are doing a live table read of Zero’s script ‘Galaxy Totems’ right now! Swing by if you want to check it out. http://www.twitch.tv/smishsmosh22 Submit your script for free at http://www.twitchtablereads.com https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/17b7e60cf29804dd823ac582cfae8222229512475ff5e67dbe25f2455b42f0c9.png

  • Linkthis83

    My notes are somewhere in the ether.

    • Poe_Serling

      Yeah, a comment in the middle of lengthy thread is pretty much no man’s
      land. ;-)

  • Mayhem Jones

    Daaaaayummm!! THRILL(ED) (Kills, & Scotch) for your amazingly kind offer!!!!! Expect an email! THANK YOUUUUUU

  • Midnight Luck

    I thought SS was one of the hacked sites. This massive hack happened bringing all kindsa sites down, well, Scriptshadow was down all morning and afternoon. Freaked me out.

    Glad to see everything is copacetic.

  • Scott Serradell

    Every week Link…You show up here with an amazing breadth of knowledge, an open mind, a casual voice, and striking attention to detail. We all benefit from you say. And that’s all I wanted to say.

    • Linkthis83

      You are too kind. Full disclosure though, I do this mainly for the hookers and blow.

      • BoSoxBoy

        The simple rewards for a job well done.

  • Haque

    When I have no interest in reading past ten pages on all but one of the scripts, I become willing to admit that perhaps it’s me and not the scripts. Reading the other comments there seems to be something that I am missing. So I put it on me.

    The only script that I could finish was SEEING RED though Allen Dulles gave away everything in the first couple pages. I’m not old, but I do know modern history.
    So, my vote really should go for Seeing Red.

    Congratulations to all the writers AND I would like to point out that I could have been someone reading for Ridley Scott this weekend and my reaction/feeling would have been the same. We writers are at the mercy of the daily/weekly mindset of the reader.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for the vote, gojuice. I’m looking forward to seeing how you like the progression into the later acts.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for the consideration, Link. I appreciate your honesty and kind words.

    And, obviously, ditto to Scott below. I come to this site every weekend and read your comment because it’s the shit.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for the notes and kind words, Dallas.

    I hope your mom is doing well. Take good care of her.

  • Steffan

    Scott,

    There is a casualness to the dialog (at least between Odysseus and Ajax) that was very intentional. I was trying to capture this lazy, burnt-out feeling so many soldiers feel when they’ve been in a foreign place for so long.

    This was a challenging script for me to write because the tonality I was aiming for was a tightrope walk. I’m really interested to see how you take to the progression of the story (I think it gets better with each act).

    Thanks for considering it.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for the vote, n8.

    I’ll look to clarify the opening in a way where I’m not getting rid of any of the setups (there’s a lot of them early on thematically as well as plot-wise).

  • Steffan

    You too, Marc! Congrats!

  • Mayhem Jones

    You’re a national treasure, Link. The country ((Scriptshadow Nation)) thanks you for your service!

    • Linkthis83

      Does that make me the Nic Cage of this forum? I can live with that.

  • Scott Crawford

    Hope it doesn’t upset anyone, not my intention, but here is the last list I could find of scripts that were being written for “Let’s Write a F#&%ING Screenplay!!!” It’s not a COMPLETE list because a lot of people didn’t ask for their script to be listed. And, as far as I’m concerned, anyone who actually submitted to the contest is a hero. I didn’t!

    Still, it’s interesting to see how many scripts here made it to the finals (with one week still to go).

    +++++++

    Let’s Write a F#&%ING Screenplay!!! 08/19/16, 21:53 GMT

    Finished, bitches!:

    Monster Investigations by Frankie Hollywood
    Years of a Clown by BMCBH

    Nearly there, nearly there…:

    21 Days in the Amazon by UPB13
    The Ancient War by Scott Serradell
    Anguish by Pat
    Antebellum by Daivon Stuckley
    Atlantis Waters by Randy Williams
    The Bait by Billie B
    Cratchit by ScriptChick
    Dead of Night by John Bradley
    The Deadliest City by Sebastian Cornet
    Ghost in the Machine by Christopher Reilly
    Haunted Hospital by Wijnand Krabman
    Irregular Army by Carmelo Framboise
    Killer Killer by Wijnand Krabman
    The Last Safe Place by jeaux
    Log by smishsmosh
    Neptune Beach/The Pictures by Robert O’Sullivan
    The Oklahombres aka “The Wild Bunch” by klmn
    Pacifico by scrimshaw
    PHOBE – New Dawn by Erica
    Runaway Car by Magga
    The Sculptor by Kris
    Stacy Wentworth: The Last Boner Smasher by Eric Boyd
    There Was a Little Girl by Nick Morris
    Thrills, Kills, & Scotch by Mayhem Jones
    Until You Remember by Lironah
    Untitled by Jonathan Soens
    Untitled Action-Thriller by Steffan
    Widow’s Walk by ElectricDreamer

    Still writing the first draft:

    Bigfoot Lives! by Benjamin Hickey
    Deadsight by Kosta K
    Dracula and Holmes by jaehkim
    The Hatchery by Joe Marino
    How to Hunt Vampires for Dummies by Sackninja
    Into the Smoke by Duvan.1
    The K-Rock Years/Rock Must Die! by New_E
    The Princess and the Janitor by Nodestar
    Soldier of Fortune by New_E

    Thinking about taking part now deadline has been extended to September 4th:

    17th City of Edan by Ripley
    Dreamwalkers by Lucid Walk
    Let’s Be Famous by stephjones
    TBA by Paul Clarke

    • Wijnand Krabman

      If I’m not mistaken i only count 8 of this list who made it, that’s a little more than one a week which I predicted.

      • BMCHB

        I count eleven. Which I think is pretty good as we don’t know that everyone submitted in the end.

        Lurkers are going to be multiples of posters and that should bear out. AT LEAST twenty five percent of final forty is pretty healthy IMO.

        • Wijnand Krabman

          second time I count less, :-) maybe we ask our bookkeeper?

          • BMCHB

            Years of a Clown
            21 Days in the Amazon
            The Bait
            Cratchit
            Log
            The Oklahombres AKA Hellfire Alley
            Thrills, Kills, & Scotch
            Untitled Action-Thriller by Steffan NOTE Taking this as Odysseus…?
            Widow’s Walk
            Deadsight
            TBA by Paul NOTE Taking this as RBW

            Eleven… ? Scott?

          • Steffan

            Yeah… it was Odysseus, BMCHB.

          • BMCHB

            I presumed that you are that Steffan, Steffan.

            Very good writing, man. there are some pieces of your dialogue that i am jealous of.

            that’s the highest compliment i can make.

            great luck.

            b

          • Steffan

            Thank you for that.

    • klmn

      My script is now titled Hellfire Alley.

    • Comma

      I wonder if Carson will organize something for the leftovers, those who didn’t entered the first round. It would be interesting to do a tournament with them so that they can have some feedback and get ready for the regular ‘amateur friday’.

  • Laura D.

    ODYSSEUS- YOU HAVE MY VOTE. How did you do this? You were the last one I opened and the last one I wanted to read, and yet, here you are pulling me into your epic fold – what trickery have you mastered to accomplish this feat? Well done.

    • Steffan

      Thanks so much for the kind words, Laura! I’m glad that in spite of it being the last one you wanted to read you still gave it a try and kept your mind open enough to give it a fair shot.

      That shows class.

  • Jai Brandon

    Sent! Thanks, Marc.

  • klmn

    OT. RATS – a documentary by Morgan Spurlock is scheduled for tonight on the Discovery Network.

    Looks like it will be creepy fun. I’d post the trailer, but Youtube is locking up for me – maybe the result of the hacking.

    • BMCHB

      You are never more than nine words from rats.

      True.

      Ha. Nah, rats never bothered me. Spiders and Big Bird from Sesame Street are the only creatures that have ever freaked me out.

      • Citizen M

        mice mace mate rate rats
        dogs dags* rags rats
        Hey, maybe there’s something to the ‘nine words’ theory.
        *dags = sheep dingleberries

    • Poe_Serling

      OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

      Robocop destroys most of his home as he wages battle with
      one.

      From the mid ’80s I believe.

  • Poe_Serling

    My vote goes to:

    SEEING RED

    It was a close race with Boomtown… to be honest, those were the only two
    projects that really caught my eye this week.

    Boomtown kept giving me a Brotherhood of the Wolf vibe, which I remember
    as an entertaining mix of several genres (even some martial arts action).

    But overall…

    I just liked how Red was sort of a throwback to films from that era like
    I Married a Monster from Outer Space. Plus, the writer crafted a story
    that can be taken on more than one level.

    As always, thanks to all the writers for sharing their work.

  • BMCHB

    WTF?

    I cannot reply to Scott or KLMN now as both their posts are ‘not active’.

    • klmn

      Yeah. Mine disappeared immediately after I posted it. I edited my last script once. I emailed Carson.

      Someone is fucking with us.

      • klmn

        Not script, post.

      • Poe_Serling

        From past experience (numerous times over the years), sometimes when I’ve gone in to reedit my own post it goes into moderation mode for whatever reason.

    • Scott Crawford

      ScriptChick just came and went… I’m taking a break. We’ve got over 24 hours left so there’s plenty of time to count people’s votes. But I won’t waste time updating while these bugs are still being fixed. See you tomorrow.

      • ScriptChick

        dang! And I wanted to check my mass of bold before it disappeared!

      • BMCHB

        Your relationship with scriptchick is up to you guys. Haha.

        If ‘hacking’ has affected any of our American colleagues’ voting then perhaps this weeks contestants may deserve an extra day?

        We’ll see how it plays out tomorrow.

        • ScriptChick

          hehe… Long posts in the odd hours will do that.

  • Andrew Bumstead

    My vote goes to ODYSSEUS AND HIS BOY. Writer knows how to craft killer action scenes that are easy to follow and a thrill to read. Nicely done, Steffan!

    • Steffan

      Thanks, Andrew.

      I went with the character’s names as sluglines this time (first time I’ve done it) after reading something on SS and, for action sequences, I think that’s the way to go.

      Thanks, again for the vote. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  • Citizen M

    Your notes are so good I didn’t think it was possible to cap them, but you’ve been and gone and done it ;o)

    • ScriptChick

      Thank you! It’s one of my favorite ways to procrastinate from my own work, lol.

      • BMCHB

        Those notes are above and beyond, ScriptChick.

        I really mean ‘Wow’.

      • Mayhem Jones

        Oh, you make my heart sing!!!! Speechless. Can’t thank you enough for these AMAZING/AWESOME and totally detailed/HELPFUL notes!! Holy crap. Can’t wait to incorporate!

    • ScriptChick

      I blame the Disqus, the space bar and / as culprits for your undoing. I myself, am blameless. ;P

  • Poe_Serling

    Perhaps. I’ve always just assumed it was just some sort of a technical ‘gremlin’ messing with my posts for the last several years.

  • Kermit

    Wow. Impressive notes.

  • BMCHB

    Great notes. Wow. Do writers featured here appreciate what they are given? I don’t know. I did mine.

    Best writer resource/community on the internet thing.

    But… JACK KEROUAC should always be capped.

  • Mayhem Jones

    YOU ROCK KEN!!! PILOT DEATH MATCH 2017!!!!!!!

  • Angie

    Congrats and Good Luck to all the writers. This crop has an especially high number of very good writers. The usual disclaimer. Just my opinion to take or toss.

    Thrills, Kills & Scotch by Mayhem Jones- 88 pages.
    Can’t say exactly why I expected a hard boiled noir detective story.

    The log line worried me. Their stakes (their sanities) might not be important enough. Then I looked again at the genre and saw /Dark Comedy so it might work.

    The light word count usually points to light content, meaning more scenes necessary.
    Page 1. Not sure I like the opening of Aiden talking to himself in a mirror to provide exposition. Why not use VO like on Page 2?
    Page 2. Aiden is emotionally disturbed if a suspicion his girlfriend is cheating on him drives him to suicide attempts and the weird action of chewing on thumbtacks. If you need it to characterize him as a mental defective, I believe you run the risk of making him an unsympathetic protagonist.

    Doesn’t Charlie see him bleeding from chewing and squeezing thumbtacks? I ask because Charlie doesn’t comment on it.

    Page 4. Wilthrop (interesting name choice, more used to Winthrop) seen in action before intro.
    Page 5. This behavior is more realistic. So-called “friends” outing a disliked colleague, maybe sticking it to another equally disliked colleague.
    Page 6. Flash forward 25 years. Surprised it was Charles in the Strait jacket. He is a killer. I wondered why it was told rather than shown.
    CUT TO – Really need this? Thought I was going to see something happening in real time yet transported to the past.

    Could it be that the story really starts on Page 6 with Charles in the straitjacket?
    Page 7. Charles’ wife is Emma. He didn’t marry Samantha.
    Page 8. If Victor wants a position with Aiden’s magazine, he might not repeat to Aiden that he’s bored of everything. This is what I mean by realistic behavior. I understand you used this for a transition. Just questioning if there is some other way.
    Page 9. Aiden is still weird now in his 40’s so he WAS mentally disturbed back when the script started.
    Page 10. In phone could be On phone?

    “Bollocks.” Is Travers British? Maybe say he has a posh accent. If not, consider changing from bollocks to nonsense.
    Page 13. Aiden is so pretentious he continues unlikeable to me.
    Page 14. First smile. Mostly dark until now.

    Well written story with enough wit and weirdness to interest but I’m not feeling the characters.

    • Mayhem Jones

      WITHOUT SPOILING ANYTHING….

      Doesn’t Charlie see him bleeding from chewing and squeezing thumbtacks? I ask because Charlie doesn’t comment on it.

      HE DOES NOT SEE THIS!

      Love you gave this a look, Angie!

      • Angie

        Love that your script was chosen. As a frequent commentator you deserve it. You are really a good writer. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, voting ain’t over until it’s over. You still have a chance to win. Good luck.

  • Angie

    Seeing Red by Joseph Scalise – 108 pages

    Page 1. What is a toaster over?
    Page 3. Didn’t know what a red stitched suit was (in the 50s)even after googling.
    Page 4: Broadcasts the source of the upcoming problem. Am wondering if you can downplay it a bit so it will not be so obvious.

    Lipstick on the collar? That’s an old one. So is another woman’s perfume. Consider some dialogue with subtext implying Karen knows about the other woman. Maybe stabbing her steak with her knife the way she previously pounded it with the tenderizer while asking if he had a nice portion of cod or salmon for lunch. Yes, that’s gross and might add unintended humor. It is just a bad example to add some pizazz to a too quiet story so far. You can think of something better.
    Page 11. If he had the wonky cigs why is it she that is only joshin?
    Page 15. Action takes off from here.
    Skipped to
    Page 99.Knew it! Stopped reading.
    Carson always advises the screen writer not to let the reader get ahead of the story. I knew who the villain was and what he was using early on. A revision trying to subvert attention might work.

    Good concept. I have not seen it before. This is a well-written script. Well researched. That is probably the reason the beginning is a bit slow. Consider cutting details and getting to the action faster.

  • Angie

    The Fuck Ups by Wally White and Marc Tizic – 110 pages

    Page 1. Setting up the comedic aspect of the screenplay with absurdist behavior with one of the main characters. Good.

    Eddie’s overly abrupt charge that could be termed a sexual assault is obnoxious rather than funny. The second part with him holding on to her leg and ending up with a shoe is funny, so writers need to work slowly into the scene. Maybe a transition of sorts with some funny dialogue by Eddie about suave behavior with women to get dates.

    A sweet thing is not descriptive. Show us an odd or inappropriate sex worker so that when even she rejects Eddie it becomes funnier.
    Pages 9 to 12. Moves to different characters in serious action. Even includes a surprise.
    Page 12. Nicely tied Eddie to the plot. Eddie’s back and his interchange with Young Bro is funny.
    Page 13. Please! Remove sweet thing. This repeated expression starts to seem overly sexist.
    Skipped to
    Page 100. Not thrilled with musical although others might think it funny
    Page 101-end at 109. Fun with a buddy film reaffirmed. Nice ending.

    The character of Eddie is at times like a caricature or cartoonish. With a good revision the writers can fix that. Yes, I am reminded of Eddie Murphy and Beverly
    Hills Cop, as well as the Rush Hour movies. Those movies made a lot of money,
    and, I think, had successful sequels.

    • BMCHB

      These notes… on a Saturday….

      For you, Angie. I’m half at a party and still checking out here/SS on my tablet.

  • Angie

    My vote is for The Fuck Ups. Humor being subjective, I thought the script funny and that it has the potential to be a successful movie.

  • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

    This week my vote goes to…

    ODYSSEUS AND HIS BOY

    My clear winner this week. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. My notes are minimal, as the story was so well-written and engaging I didn’t find a need to give any… this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Great action. High stakes. Unique and fleshed out characters. Great writing style and story telling ability. I loved Pyrrhus as a character, and, also, the dynamics of his relationship with Odysseus, especially in the wake of Achilles’s death. It was an awesome story about something I was interested in reading about. One of my top scripts in the tournament so far.

    Here are some notes I jotted down while reading…

    -Love the opening and character introductions

    -Pg. 43 PARIS: offering to an ‘Olympian’ diety

    -Pg. 53-55 great conversation between Odysseus and Pyrrhus

    -Pg. 58 Pyrrhus is badass. He’s like the ultimate warrior child. Achilles’s protege.

    -Pg. 63-64 Loved how you brought Helen into it. Just upped the excitement big time. Even though I’m locked into the story anyway, I want to keep reading even more to find out what happens with her.

    -Pg. 92 more badass fighting by Pyrrhus

    -Pg. 110 bathed ‘in’ Trojan loot.

    -For the ending I think Helen’s involvement could be greater. Perhaps she is threatened in some way, or Odysseus and Pyrrhus stumble upon her as they sneak through the fortress and try to escape. There is so much lore around who she was/ the nature of her personage that I think you could really soar here. Perhaps she is an enchantress of some kind, even — I’ll leave it up to you, but I know I’d like to see more of her.

    Great job Steffan and congrats. I’d be interested in hearing more of where you got the inspiration to write this story?

    My runner up this week is…

    THRILLS, KILLS, AND SCOTCH

    I thought what I read was well-written and cool. Writers writing about writers can lead to an interesting read as long as it doesn’t get to heady. If I can find the time to reading it in full this week I plan too.

    Overall, I thought this was a stronger week. Congrats to all that were chosen!

    • Steffan

      Thanks for that review, Cal. Your words were more than kind.

      Here’s how I was inspired:

      I was struggling with a different script. I told myself I need to find something new (since I was interested in doing this contest, but didn’t want to write anything that was already on my back burner).

      For some reason The Trojan Horse popped into my mind and I got the idea of telling it through the eyes of the guys in the Horse. And then a few days later I thought well what if it wasn’t 40 dudes, what if it was less.

      Then I settled on Achilles and Odysseus as the main characters because they would provide me with the classic buddy-cop sort-of-duo… until I realized that Achilles was dead already in the story.

      So I needed a surrogate… and I happened upon the red-headed Pyrrhus who is actually Achilles’ son (but I changed that since there were so many fathers and sons already running around my script).

      Once I realized that I was going to pair up Odysseus with a small boy (because only the scrawniest and smallest of the Greeks could actually fit into The Horse) I realized that Pyrrhus could be a metaphor for the son Odysseus left behind… which was the real moment of inspiration for me because that’s when I realized I could go deeper into Odysseus character via his relationship with Pyrrhus.

      And, the final sort of thing to hit me, was while I was reading an account of The Trojan War the author was describing the brutality of the night and the horrors of it… and that was when the third act came to me.

      So that was it. That’s how I’ve been trying to write/plot out scripts lately. Put the characters in the worst possible situations with the least helpful characters and try to figure out what SHOULD happen according to narrative principles and not necessarily write what I WANT to happen.

      I hope this helps.

      Thanks for all of your kind words, Cal. You were very generous with them. I’m glad I told you a story you enjoyed.

      • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

        That’s what I’m talking about… using an existing story and then using your imagination to go someplace completely new with it, instead of just doing another retelling of the same story like we usually see. As long as you are true to the writers original characters and world, I don’t think you can ever go wrong going deeper and further with something. I’ve personally never read the story of what happened after the Horse was inside. Most other stories it’s all about getting the horse inside, and then that was it… but I liked how there was the whole adventure once they were inside the wall… I thought that was great.

        I thought it was an awesome look at it. The only problem would be that if it was originally written with 40 dudes, then you are changing the original story and that isn’t true to the original writers work… so that gets tricky. I don’t know Homer’s work all that well, but if I was a big fan, it could pose a problem for me. One thing is creating a whole new story line via a prequel or sequel, another thing is changing the original story. I think you can add and go deeper with pre-existing work, but you can’t change it or stray from it. So if it was originally 40 dudes, perhaps it stays that way, only the focus is on Odysseus and Pyrhhus and their mission once the men are inside. I know it would change the story line, but could help save it. Just throwing out ideas, because from a lot of the comments I’m seeing you lost a lot of readers with the horse.

        Good job, again. I thought it was a cool different look at a Classic story. The only challenge would be to make sure you are honoring the original work, while going someplace new with it.

  • BMCHB

    What made me smirk is that someone complained about the authenticity of 50’s dialogue earlier. Steffan wrote an interpretation that is not out of time from 2,000 years ago.

    It is very good, though.

  • BMCHB

    Thrills, Kills, and Scotch… is possibly the greatest title of all time.

    I liked the title, and script, from two weeks ago, too:

    Something True For Those Skyskraper Hearts.

    That was/is my favorite

  • Linkthis83

    These are great. Amara seems to have many talents :) I’ll have to remember to stay on her/your good side.

    • ScriptChick

      hehe, I just want a survey of your script~!

  • smishsmosh22

    My Vote: Thrills, Kills and Scotch

    Thrills, Kills and Scotch: There is no question that this girl has a voice and IT MUST BE HEARD. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like every word is a fucking nugget of gold.

    The Fuck Ups: I like this set up a LOT! But Eddie is not a very likable character so I’d work on that. Could use more jokes, too.

    Seeing Red: Extremely well written, just didn’t tickle my fancy soon enough.

    More notes to come…

    • Mayhem Jones

      I’m gonna bake an apple then throw it out, in your honor!!!!

  • Malibo Jackk

    Vote goes to THRILLS, KILLS & SCOTCH.
    Only had time to look at 7 pages.
    Liked most of the dialogue.

    Two quick suggestions:
    Page 6 — Great Expectations seems to come out of nowhere.
    What you have is a payoff. Would work better with a setup, then the payoff.
    Show us the valuable book if you can. What if he takes the book off the shelf, handles it delicately as it deserves, then looks around — and tears out a page. (misdirection, surprise, and setup)

    Pages 6-7 You killed a young woman.
    Thought the reveal came too early in the scene.
    My guess — Scenes like this should build — get progressively worse.
    Instead, we appear to be asked to temporarily set that statement aside
    and on go on to something less interesting/important.

    Could be wrong.
    Just quick suggestions.

    • Mayhem Jones

      Thanks MJ! =D

  • Mike.H

    Congrats on your Chicago Cubs, Carson!!!!!

    • klmn

      Send up the Bart signal.

  • https://pro-labs.imdb.com/name/nm4290140/ Cal

    On point, every week.

  • Scott Crawford

    Even IF someone is flagging my post, it won’t stop me tallying the votes. It just might slow me down. But we will know who the winner is by 10PM Sunday.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for the Runner Up vote, ScriptChick.

    So you want to see Odysseus literally wake up? Being there, asleep, snoring, whatnot while the other generals are bickering and then BAM… his eyes shoot open?

    I had that originally, but I cut it. Why do you think it’s important to see?

    And… yeah. That The Trojan Horse here is not The Trojan Horse of legend is the first major buy in. It’s interesting to me because one of my initial four readers had the same note about Epious. They wanted him punished for his mistake.

    I’ll try to find the right balance tonality for that scene. Thanks for the notes.

    Oh, and that pumice stone line you liked… it’s a set-up for something in Act Three. I’m really glad you noticed/mentioned it.

    Thanks again for the Runner Up vote, SC.

    • ScriptChick

      Odysseus waking up in whatever way you write it — it’s really serving as a much needed transition for me. Odysseus going from night to day and coming up with a plan. Here, we just see him come in and say he has a plan — so I was cheated out of a lightbulb moment. And him waking up is the tiniest bit of show vs. tell. Otherwise I have to go on faith alone that what he’s saying isn’t all conjured up. That he actually had this dream and needed to share it as soon as he was awake. And as an audience we want to see the outcome, why is he running so foolishly fast through the camp after waking up? Right now he could be running for any reason, I have no hint to keep me as engaged as I could be. Then we hear and see the brilliance of his potential battle-winning dream.

  • Steffan

    Citizen,

    Thanks for taking a look. I’m glad you found it well written (and sorry about those damned typos that hide in plain sight every time).

    Page 30-110 is a brand new take on the siege of Troy. It’s the entirety of Act Two and Three. If you are interested in taking a gander I think/hope you’ll be rewarded for the time you spend with Odysseus. (Not even to change your vote, just because that’s what it seemed you wanted out of the script.)

    Otherwise, thanks for the consideration. You’re one of the reasons SS is a great community.

  • Steffan

    Thanks for taking a look at Odysseus and His Boy.

    The only flashback is that first sequence. But, you know, I’ve never tried it in straight up chronological order. I will later this week. It might work smoother.

    What I wanted to do was have the juxtaposition of Odysseus/Pyrrhus and Achilles; but, maybe I don’t need to in the way I originally thought.

    Thanks again for the consideration, Angie.

  • Eric Boyd

    HRILLS, KILLS, & SCOTCH

    I just got done reading the whole thing, and WOW! I loved it. Easily my favorite script of the
    tournament. It’s like a more sociopathic version of Mad Men (which I didn’t even think was possible).

    The way that we can both despise and feel sympathy for these vile characters is nothing short of brilliant, and Aiden’s and Charles’s rivalry over the importance of the written word over photographic images is like the perfect metaphor for the duality of film making (I’m not sure if that’s a real thing. I’m pretty sure that I’m just trying to sound smart).

    The dialogue is fantastic. Sure, many of the characters sometimes sound like they are speaking in the same voice, but given the nature of what’s going on and the high quality
    of everything that’s written, it’s totally forgivable.

    I really thought you were going to go the obvious, hackney split-personalty route and was so happy that you didn’t, and what you have instead is really smart and relevant.

    If I could offer up just a few suggestions, I think in the beginning, during Aiden’s VO, when he’s describing the affair between Samantha and Charles, we should really get inside his head and see a few flashes of Samantha and Charles in the throes of passion, as Aiden is imagining it. We don’t see much of Samantha, and she is pretty much the catalyst of everything to come. She should remain a mystery, but I think we need to see her face a
    few more times before she starts showing up in hallucinations, in order for those scenes to have the desired effect. (and holy shit! I can’t believe I spelled hallucinations right on the first try… sorry, I’m horribly dyslexic and that’s like a big deal to me. In fact, while typing this sentence, I misspelled “spelled”, “dyslexic” and thought “in fact” was one word.)

    I’d also like to see Aiden’s and Cecelia’s relationship built up a little more, I didn’t really get
    the feeling that Aiden would kill for her.

    Also, and this is super nit-picky, but the first scene takes place in 1961, but post-its didn’t go on the market until 1977. The reason I felt the need to look this up was because I remembered in Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion their entire plan to impress everybody was to tell them that they were the ones who invented post-its, and that all goes to shit when Janeane Garofalo’s character knew the guy who did it and how, so I figured
    1961 was a bit soon. Given what happens I guess it’s possible that this story never took place in 1961 and that was all in the 80’s, but I can’t really be sure, so I guess that whole part was a little confusing.

    Great work, Mayhem. I haven’t opened up the other scripts yet, so I guess it’s a little too early for me to vote for it, and know all of the sudden I’m in the mood to watch Romy
    and Michele’s High School Reunion. Such a great under-rated movie.

    • Mayhem Jones

      WOW!!!! CAN I PRINT THIS OUT AND FRAME IT!?!??! You are the best, Eric!! And thank you for the post-it heads up… Brenkilo similarly pointed out inconsistencies with the time period–I’m so thankful. Those facts are essential in helping me better the script and make it more accurate. YOU ARE AMAZING!

  • Pat

    I only had a chance to read the start of each script this weekend, but I have some thoughts on writing style and structure to pass on.

    VOTE: THE BOOM TOWN BEAST

    Thrills, Kills & Scotch
    The dialog and actions felt disconnected at during the opening of this script so I couldn’t get into it. The scenes played out as talking heads with little to no action and when there was action (such as eating thumbtacks) they were never addressed by any of the characters. The opening pages felt more like a collection of speeches than scenes. I needed something dramatic to occur to propel the story forward.

    Seeing Red
    The script started well with lots of little moments of mystery but then all the built up momentum died when Gary and Karen started talking. All the scenes until that moment were short and ended before dragging, but this 2 page scene of dialog looks like it could be half the length and still contain the important information it is trying to provide. As well, after this moment all the mystery disappears. The script becomes all about dialog when the audience has become intrigued with the opening murder and with Gary cheating on his wife. These are important moments and the audience is going to look for them to continue to be important but instead it looks like dinner with the Senator is what the script wants to focus on instead.

    Odysseus and the Boy
    The writing is very cinematic and the script is quick and easy to follow. My concern is that an audience without prior knowledge of the Trojan War might not understand the characters or their motivations. The script sets up Achilles, but Paras, Hector and Odysseus are only called out by name, their roles are unclear. The audience doesn’t understand what the war is about, what the sides are fighting for or what the significance of the battle is or what exactly the consequences of losing Achilles is. Without this knowledge, the audience is left wondering where the script is headed.

    The Fuck-Ups
    When a character cries, the audience doesn’t cry, and when a character laughs, the audience doesn’t laugh. It’s an odd fact about films, but it’s true. Eddie laughing to himself wasn’t funny and immediately made me worried about the script. As well, this scirpt doesn’t follow the “1 page = 1 minute rule” and thus it was difficult to visualize the action lines. In a four line sequence, the protagonist catches up to a thief, they fight, the thief is knocked out, the stolen item is recovered, police officers grab the protagonist and the woman who’s item was stolen stops the arrest. This sequence should be an entire page, not 4 lines.

    The Boom Town Beast
    The localized dialect through me off for a moment, but I quickly picked it up and enjoyed the feel it presented. I liked the writing and atmosphere presented, but I would like to offer a suggestion to the set up of the story. Will being mistaken as the Beast is a good set up, but when Alice stands up for him and the townsfolk agree, it takes away the terror and the consequences to the character. If Alice tells the townsfolk and police that Will is innocent, but gripped by fear the words fall on deaf ears and Will is arrested and interrogated before finally being found innocent (or released, but still being watched by the police), then Will and the audience will understand the terror that has griped the city and the lengths to which the townsfolk will act to remove that terror.

  • Joseph Ackroyd

    Big thanks to everyone who read and commented on our script The Boom Town Beast. All the feedback has been excellent and we fully intend to copy and paste it all to use for future rewrites. Big thanks also to Carson for selecting us for the tournament. Good luck to all the other contenders and everyone else on your writing endeavours!

  • klmn

    OT. Anyone see Morgan Spurlock’s documentary RATS on the Discovery network last night? That was a very interesting and entertaining show.

    Spurlock traveled the world, from NYC to New Orleans to Europe, IndoChina, and India showing how different cultures regarded the furry little bastards, the disease they carry, the best way to cook them and so on.

    I heartily recommend it, but maybe not while you’re eating – unless you’re into that.

  • ocattorney

    I attended a screenwriting workshop at UCLA. Many of the instructor’s points seemed aimed at Mayhem Jones’ “Thrills, Kills & Scotch” so I’ll start there. Seemed well-written but poorly structured. OK, thoughts I haven’t processed yet. A Judge at the Nicholl Fellowship reads 300 scripts each year and only finds 10 that compel him to keep reading. Those are the odds. You won’t win unless you are in the Top 10 of 300. Does “Thrills” compel me to keep reading to find out what happens to the creative director at the New Yorker, with an office that costs $200,000 a year? In a word, No. couldn’t care less about what happens to him. And that’s the Crucial Element that MUST be in the first ten pages. Does the Hero have a Goal? Does he show Passion in his desire for that goal? (Watch Maria in opening of “Sound of Music,” it is her passion for “songs that have sung for a thousand years” and “I come to the hills when I’m lonely” that makes us CARE. How will she get over being lonely?) OK, still on “Sound of Music,” the Heroine has an initial problem that can be Completely Solved. She is lonely, so she meets a widower with seven children. The reader wants to see a problem that CAN be solved, and WANTS to be solved in the first ten pages. Maybe a small problem, replaced by a bigger one later on, but the very pick Nicholl judges want to feel “compelled” to find out what happens to the Hero? In “Thrills,” our introduction to Hero shows him contemplating suicide in front of a mirror. So, he kills himself, or he doesn’t kill himself. Do we feel a compulsion to find out which? No, the opposite. We know there’s a possibility he will kill himself, so we pull back. (2) Meaningful conflict. When the Hero runs into Conflict, is it quickly solved? Or, does it disrupt his life so much that it takes the rest of the movie to regain equilibrium? Aiden suspects his girlfriend is sleeping with his assistant. NOT a problem we care about. Not so much that “Thrills” doesn’t meet the goals Carson set for this contest, but I just don’t feel any desire to find out whether Aiden commits suicide or not. Third point, does the script contain “professional-level conflict”? If Aiden has the head job at New Yorker, why doesn’t he keep his own world together? Your company hiring a new executive you don’t get along with… that’s not compelling enough. When you go to a movie, you’re not going to get up and leave in the first ten minutes. but for a script, a reader who has 299 other scripts to read before the deadline is going to ask, “Did the writer create a Hero that I CARE about in the first ten pages?” Unfair, but in today’s contests, the standard. – Bill Hays

    • Scott Crawford

      These comments are excellent, Bill. Why not get yourself a proper Disqus account? Come over to the Dark Side!

      • ocattorney

        I have a Disqus account but they hate me. I wanted to post photos and I get an error message. I count myself lucky that I can post at all. My workshop at UCLA was run by a very successful writer and now lecturer named Corey Mandell, he has a site with a good blog. He gave us three concepts to work on and my brain is still trying to figure out how to apply them. One is “move the chairs apart.” Having two Heroes in a buddy comedy who are similar, or a Hero and an Opponent who are similar, wastes dramatic conflict. “Move the chairs apart” so Martin Riggs suffers from Post-traumatic stress and puts a gun in his mouth, and Roger Murtaugh (RM-MR?) thinks fate will kill him his last day before retirement.. But my big one comes from “The Girl on the Train.” Give your hero a problem that can be solved. Making Rachel a black-out drunk leaves few opportunities for her Goal to be achieved when she solves the crime. The Climax should be a celebration for the Hero AND the audience. OK, “Avatar” Jake Sully a Marine, can’t use his legs, at the end his problem is solved in a wonderful way. That’s what a Great Script does. Gives us an Ending that is both unpredictable and a great victory for the Hero. It takes a lot – I mean, really a LOT – of work on concepts before you find one that gives a Great Success the way “Titanic” or “Avatar”. Didn’t expect to find one in this contest, but we have seven scripts that need a decent re-write, so yes, this is the time to share what I’m looking for. I also want a moment of Elation. – Bill Hays

    • Mayhem Jones

      WOWZA! Seriously so much to think about–I really appreciate you taking the time, ocattorney!

      • Scott Crawford

        However… and I’m saying this even though you know it… many people have praised you for your UNIQUE VOICE. If someone’s feedback sounds right, then by all means follow it. But if the little/big voice in the back of your head says “No, I want to keep it the way it us.” then keep it the way it is.

        Most of my favorite movies are my favorite because of the unique decisions the people behind it made, decisions I might not have made but which I wouldn’t want them to change.

        So concludes my sermon. Amen.

  • ocattorney

    Second script “Odysseus and His Boy”
    Steffan wrote, “One of the goals I shot for was to create an intimate story within an epic framework. I’m interested to see if the community here thinks that I succeeded or failed (and, more importantly, how to make it better)
    OK, well, this was a contest with clear goals. Carson spent ten weeks explaining what he wanted to see in a script written specifically for this contest. Does the Hero have a Goal?
    The script was confusing to me because of the names. Every one had a Mythology that I already knew, I was going way ahead of you on most of them. If a boy is Pyhrrus, does that mean he’s going to burst into flames? If not, why the name?
    Moving on to “Story Value.” We go to movies to experience Emotions. We want to see dinosaurs eating people in “Jurassic Park,” but we would prefer to run away from them in terror, and get away safely, because that Emotion is more fun. (And, when they made Jurassic World, less screen time with scientific explanations and a lot MORE running away from dinosaurs earned big bucks worldwide.) However, to be a great script, we need the roller coaster. We need the scary moments, sure, but we need the Elation and the moment when Dr. Grant sees a living dinosaur for the first time. A Great Script takes a lot of time to craft the moments when we are tremendously Happy, as well as too terrified to move or think.
    In the part I read, I never felt a connection with any character.
    However, one-half vote to “Thrills, Kills & Scotch” and one-half vote to “Odysseus”.. but only because the rules said the script had to be written in a short time period, and follow the plot points Carson gave us, down to the pages where they should appear.

    • Scott Crawford

      “the script had to be written in a short time period, and follow the plot points Carson gave us, down to the pages where they should appear.”

      I’m pretty sure most people regarded those plot points as a GUIDELINE rather than contest rules. I guess the idea was to help writers, especially newbies or those out-of-practice, to pace themselves and at the same time have a better chance of the script being more appealing to Carson.

  • Comma

    My vote is for SEEING RED.
    It’s the most promising concept for me. I like the story world. I feel like there will be some surprises. I will read more and write my notes if it wins this round.

    I tried to read again and a little longer Thrills, Kills and Scotch because it was the best contestant this week (a runner up for me). There is something good in this script, I can feel it, it’s the characters, but too many things made me loose interest. It made me think of Hurlyburly, a movie I liked a lot.
    3 suggestions to the writer:
    1) Reasearch the editorial world, make it more realistic, detailed – Maybe it is researched and real but I didn’t feel it. And I would like a more clear presentation of the nineties time, something that since the beginning explains me why we are in this particular moment of the editorial business.
    2) I would start in the present, maybe with an expanded version of the doctor scene, an then ‘activate’ somehow the past sequence. I would prefere to first meet the older version of the characters, then be able to connect them clearly to their younger selves, and then going on with the story.
    3) Set a clear tone and stay to it. The pipe scene seems to be a kind of sketch that doesn’t belong to the overall mood of the script (read only 19 pages…). Or going clearly to that kind of world with very bold characters and a clear parody of the editorial world.

    Here’s some notes!

    THRILLS, KILLS, & SCOTCH

    I like the mirror scene
    (what a pity this scene is with a younger version of our main character and not with the ‘true’ main character!)

    AIDEN spits out bloody THUMBTACKS one-by-one, FOUR in total. A tinny echo as they drop in his palm. He squeezes TIGHTLY.
    I like this detail, it builds a nervous/anxious character in a visual way.

    CHARLES Charles. Not Charlie. I feel fantastic today. I have an interview at the New Yorker.
    The transition from the Caleb ass size/losing you touch to the New Yorker interview is not smooth, I can’t imagine switching the subject in such a way. Could it be something like “Losing my touch? is that why the new yorker will interview me this afternoon?”(ironic)

    JACK KEROUAC
    I join those who said it shouldn’t be in caps. I wonder if this historical fact is really interesting for the scene. The mention of the year 1940 confuses me. We’re supposed to be in the ‘60, I’d like a ‘60 setting.

    page4
    do we need to learn the name of Wilthrop and Ames?

    Pioneered expressionistic style, of course, but 160 years and an ear too late.
    Too late? I would say too early?

    AIDEN whisks his EMPTY GLASS to the BAR.
    I like this kind of small visual detail, but I didn’t understand he is far from his friends and not listening what follows.

    MIDDLE FINGER.
    I like this.

    Charles can give her a better life than you ever could.
    I don’t feel this realistic. I don’t understand what he’s supposed to do with this comment. He obviously can’t relieve Aiden.

    AIDEN Sloppy, sloppy work. Good thing you’re not a murderer.
    I don’t understand why he said ‘Good thing you’re not a murderer’ (maybe it is an on the nose way to make me think someone will be sloppy in murdering someone later in the script?)

    p6
    The time jump make me loose may coordinates… the characters I was starting to connect with were younger versions of the ‘true characters’. I love this kind of jump only when it’s the same actor who plays his younger self or when the character is so bold and iconic that we can identify him clearly as the same character. Now we have a Mr Wriston (I don’t remember if I should know who he is)- when we will connect mr winston to the 19teen y o dickens fan?
    We have a “emma”, not a samantha and this confuses me about the identity of the character.
    M-my wife was inside the room, Emma w-was inside the room
    If emma is the wife I think this line is not realistic.

    p7 another time jump. This doesn’t confuses me or disappoint me like the first jump but I’m starting loosing interest because I don’t like too many jumps that (still) doesn’t seem to build a style.

    AIDEN WARD (44) with the looks of a 1950’sera MOVIE STAR,
    I don’t like the mention of the year 1950 – it confuses me. We are supposed to be in the nineties, I’d like to have a nineties mood. I wait for a clear clue that help me to connect this Cary Grant to the 19teen y o Aiden.

    INT. SALON – DAY
    I’m not a native english speaker, so I didn’t understand what kind of “salon” it is, I imagined a priced restaurant because they were talking about caviar etc. Maybe it’s just me, but it could be interesting to write ‘nail beauty salon’ or something like that.
    As far as I’m concerned, I’m still not sure about who is who now, I feel like a successful man who eat caviar and who is a hand beauty maniac is more ‘charles’ than ‘aiden’. Is the writer trying to mislead the reader in thinking the man with the doctor is Aiden and the man at the salon is Charles? If it is so I suggest not to use the characters’ names until we learn them.

    INT. LE CURÉ POISSON – DAY
    I hardly imagine a real high class restaurant where the food is disastrous, and I hardly imagine a hand beauty maniac who eat in a restaurant where the food is disastrous (when there are many restaurants with excellent write-ups and excellent food too). He says to the nail technician she missed a cuticle but it says the cavatelli are wonderful… I don’t know what kind of character he is. Note: I didn’t saw American Psycho (nor read the novel).
    Le curé poisson make me think of a french restaurant, but cavatelli is definitely an italian specialty. And if it’s an italian restaurant I don’t think he would have occasion to meet the son’s girlfriend easily (or without gruesome consequences).

    CHARLES Charles Wriston here to see Travers Gallagher. It’s my first day.
    Mmmm I don’t feel this like realistic. I try to imagine some of my bosses saying this (in a advertisement agency)… no. They wouldn’t say anything like ‘it’s my first day. They were the bosses and at home since the first day. “it’s my first day” is a humble, low worker way of speak in my opinion.

    TRAVERS I’ve three assistants. Four if you count the one that hands me my meerschaum pipe at will.
    Mmmmm not realistic… I don’t know, I can’t set the tone… is this a parody a spoof of the high class editorial world? This line belongs olny to a parody in my opinion.

    A PIPE appears.
    Now I’m quite sure this is a parody but the movie didn’t start like this… I feel lost.

    AIDEN Quite. If it isn’t Charlie Wriston.
    I don’t understand this line (I’m not english native, that must be it). (why “quite” and why “isn’t”).

    AIDEN You can’t be serious. CHARLES You look so familiar, but I can’t–
    I don’t understand what’s happening here.

    A KNIFE SCULPTURE.
    ?

    AIDEN picks up a YELLOWED NEWSPAPER.
    Why is there a yellowed newspaper?
    (Is the chief-editor silent in the room when all this is happening?)

    CHARLES Is it true what they say about designers such as yourself?
    ‘such as yourself’ doesn’t feel realistic to my ears.

    AIDEN (CONT’D) This is a problem.
    Not a fan of characters talking to themselves.

    A swingin’ sixties, WARHOL-ESQUE, pervy vibe.
    Again, I’d like to feel a ‘90 atmosphere more than sixties. By the way, I expect to find a good reason for this story being settled in the ‘90.

    AIDEN (V.O.) Boring. Malnourished. Poor selfesteem. Stubborn. Complicating. My God, I like her already.
    Very good line!

    Any other fantasy disorders I should know about?
    Good line.

    He opens his wallet for the INVITE. Out falls a WORN PHOTO of college ex-girlfriend SAMANTHA. She looks exactly like EMMA.
    When I read a script I try to see things through words… now I see an Emma’s picture falling from Aiden’s wallet. And I would be frowning. Maybe you can show this picture in the mirror scene (if you showed the picture somewhere, I already forgot where so maybe it should be showed in a more memorable way).

    AIDEN If not for Charles, things may have turned out much different for me.
    How Travers knows what that means? Are they so close that Aiden talked to him about Samantha? I can’t believe someone being so obsessed with a schooltime betrayal (or, I can, but not talking about it to everyone 25y later)

    TRAVERS Wanna life, Aiden? Hot tip: leave your office. Leave your apartment.
    A high level boss would never say that (to leave the office). In my opinion.

    CHARLES No more grandiose photo shoots. It’s cheaper to hire new writers.
    A little simplistic maybe.

    CHARLES The real star of a magazine? (side-eye at AIDEN) Its words.
    its->it’s ?

    AIDEN Our foundation is built on stunning photography. Avedon! LaChapelle! Leibovitz! Penn! Not COCA-COLA!
    I didn’t understand exactly what kind of magazine it is. I’m still not sure… but I don’t know the magazines’ world enough.

    AIDEN (CONT’D) Mark my words. I’ll make you see the importance of a photo, Charlie. TRAVERS Bob Dylan said it best. The times they are a-changin’… CHARLES Indeed. Let the new era of VIEVE begin!
    I hardly imagine a time in the magazine world where ‘words’ overcome ‘visuals’. I don’t know I don’t feel this debate ‘real’… maybe it’s just me.

    • Mayhem Jones

      Comma–OUTSTANDING notes!!!!! Can’t wait to put them to good use!!!

  • Dan B

    My vote is going to Thrills, Kills, and Scotch. The writing is solid, characters have depth, and Mayham just writes quality scenes. Script has a very AMERICAN Pyscho feel to it.

    • Mayhem Jones

      Dan’s…THE MAN!!! =D Thanks so much, dude!

  • Poe_Serling

    A QUICK NOTE:

    As most know, I’ve been around here for a long time….

    But I gotta say – I’ve just recently noticed that more and more of the SS faithful
    have been churning out some extensive feedback on all the projects.

    Even as someone looking from the outside in, I just wanted to take a
    moment to acknowledge all the time and effort put forth by those dedicated
    individuals.

    Plus, it has to be a real boon for the featured writers.

    • Scott Crawford

      I’d just like to add: fucking A. And to mention by name:

      Comma, ocattorney, Pat, Eric Boyd, Cal, Angie, ScriptChick, klmn, Citizen M, Kosta K, Haque, Linkthis83 for the Grateful 8, Randy Williams as always, Dallas Cobb, Scott Serradell, brenkilco, Rexx for his advice on loglines, Wijnand, -n8-, Marija ZombiGirl (welcome back!), Gojuice, gazrow, Dan J. Caslaw, and everyone else who gave notes this week.

      Now, not to seem TOO British, but I’m off to eat some crumpet. And, no, BMCHB, that is not an innuendo.

    • HRV

      Especially when the feedback is constructive.

  • Aremy Gomez

    My vote goes to SEEING RED.

    This really came down to Seeing Read and The Boom Town Beast for me. While I thoroughly enjoyed what I read of both, I think that Seeing Red has more to say. I like the 1950’s overlay and I could really see it as a movie. The beginning was a little over written, but it picked up pace and read nicely after. Maybe get to the monsters a bit faster? I also really enjoyed the opening chaos and fight scenes were written well.

    The Boom Town Beast was also fun (love the premise) and I LOVED the dialogue. Really polished and felt like it was authentic. The tone was cool as well. It just didn’t quite have the flair that I think Seeing Red did (I really like the images of the 50’s), which is why it was my runner up. Honestly, it missed my vote by a hair.

    Beyond that, Odysseus and his Boy was probably the best written of the bunch, but I felt like I’ve seen the story before. We know the Trojan War and this didn’t bring enough new things to the table in my opinion. Though, a fresh-angled TW story would be cool. Finally, Thrills Kills and Scotch and The Fuck Ups both didn’t really pull me in. The opening ten pages of the Fuck Ups felt rushed and a little scattered, while Thrill, Kills and Scotch jumped around a bit too much. It also hit you hard and then really tapered off. The opening scene was cool, but it quickly lost steam.

    Either way, good luck to the writers!

    • wlubake

      Not to be a dick, but this is a concerning first-ever comment. Just pointing this out so our vote tabulator can weight it appropriately. Hope you come back for more.

  • Ana

    I’m working on my skills to, someday, be able to vote here and justify it in a constructive way as the rest of the community. Reading scripts like a maniac and just finished reading “Captain Fantastic” and I’m quite blown away. I’m keeping an eye on Matt Ross’s work from now on, it was a really good script.

    • Dalek

      You know you can vote here, right?

      Anyone can vote.

  • ocattorney

    Scot said: Voting closes in: 5 hours 54 minutes (I’m asleep – you’ll have to post your comments and hope Carson reads them)

    OK, in my original vote, I gave half a vote to “Thrills, Kills and Scotch” and half to “Odysseus” because I thought they were dead even…. for this contest.

    Then I read Steffan’s description of how he wrote it within the time frame…. I originally thought his narrative was too sophisticated to have been put together for a contest like this..

    So, in keeping with my original intent..

    ocattorney removes his previous vote and now casts ONE for “Odysseus” … hoping to create a tie at 10 apiece. Which I think is
    the right result. My apologies, Mayhem, if I mess this up, but you BOTH deserve a chance to rewrite.. – Bill Hays

    • Steffan

      Thanks, oc.

      I would go to your office and sign a sworn affidavit that I wrote what you’re reading in (a little less) than the time allotment Carson gave us.

      I’d even pass a polygraph test if your into that, as well.

      • ocattorney

        You’re welcome, Steffan. I think your writing is your strong suit. Isn’t mine. Didn’t turn out to be a tie after all. With the vote that close, I expected one or two votes would come in after Scott went to sleep. Hoping you get a chance to re-write for the next round but let’s face it, the early winners have had an extra month for fixing what needs to be fixed.
        At Corey’s workshop, he spends six weeks teaching writers to integrate Concept (Story) with Intuitive (characters) because he has found that in his classes at UCLA, students are often strong in one kind of writing but not the other. He has you sit in one spot, look at a picture, imagine what the person is thinking and write for an hour. Not once, but for six to eight weeks with feedback and coaching. I’ve found that audiences love Great Characters more than Great Plots, but no one ever grades on whether your characters were awesome. I’m 100% conceptual and am working on letting my characters express their own feelings rather than just being pawns. In “The Girl on the Train,” the ex-husband Tom goes off the rails at the end because the murder plot required him to act contrary to his personality. – Bill Hays

  • New_E

    Little time to read, but did like what I read. I have to split my vote between THRILLS, KILLS, & SCOTCH & ODYSSEUS AND HIS BOY, though I did like the stories hinted at in the other logline too.

    TKS is like an AMERICAN PSYCHO, MAD MEN, and THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS mashup. I like the writer’s voice and the dialogue.

    Color me surprised to see a story adapted from THE ODYSSEY and THE AENEID here. I happen to be a bit of a Virgil specialist and were it not for my general dislike of crafty, cunning Odysseus and his deceit as a character/literary figure, I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed this a lot more than I already do.

    To the writer, I recommend Susanna Braund’s (UBC/Stanford) lectures on Virgil and the Trojan War. Enlightening.

    Difficulty in a script like this is dialogue. Best recent Homer and Virgil translations are by Robert Fagles IMO, but for a contemporary film, modernisms and elevated, proto-ancient speech may mixed together may make for some pretty stilted dialogue.

    This is a script where we have both “You okay?” and “you gotta eat.” and “It would be an insult to his memory if the likes of you should follow him.”

    Very difficult to make the ancient world contemporary, but the writer does manage pretty well…

    E

    • Steffan

      Thanks for the half vote, New_E.

      I’ll definitely check out those lectures. Thanks for the heads up.

  • Jack madden

    read 30 of each script. I VOTE: THE BOOM TOWN BEAST. It seemed the most malleable, the one with most potential in further re-writes.

  • susanrichards

    OT…..wasn’t this written by one of us? From SS?

    http://www.fangoria.com/new/brooklyn-horror-film-festival-2016-pet-film-review/

  • Erica

    Sorry for the late vote, mine is Thrills, Kills and Scotch.

  • klmn

    Details?

    And congrats to the writer, Abdul Rahman!

  • Steffan

    Awesome to hear!

  • Sean Reardon

    My vote goes to Kills, Thrills, and Scotch. I liked what I read (30 pages). Did not get that far with the others.

    • Wijnand Krabman

      hey sean! long time no see!

  • Mayhem Jones

    WOWOW!!! So honored and humbled and surprised to share space with such talented writers and commenters. Thank you SO MUCH everyone for checking out my wacky little script!! And Carson for putting up with my rambling WYSR’s! ;) Good luck to **THE FINAL 5** first rounders next week–I’ll meet you all same time, same place!

    AND DON’T FORGET: Everyone’s FREE DONUT VOUCHERS are in the mail!!! (And by “in the mail”, I mean tossed-up-in-the-wind-hoping-they’ll-blow-in-your-general-direction)

    • Levres de Sang

      Belated congrats, Mayhem…!! I had every intention of getting to the scripts this weekend, but for some reason it never quite happened. :( Anyway, just to say that I’ll look forward to catching up with TK&S in the next round. As per Carson, I always enjoy you’re voice — both on the page and here in the comments!

      ** My only note (I did open the scripts for a cursory glance) would be to eliminate the DOUBLE time-shift in those opening pages. I also felt that, tonally, the 1961 segment felt too modern.

      • Mayhem Jones

        No worries, Levres!!!! Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! Agree with both those points–especially the many time shifts. As Carson said in a previous newsletter…if more than 4 (?) people say something doesn’t work–it should probably be changed. I’m going to eliminate the multiple timeline thing completely in the opening.

        ……………..HOW!? No idea (LOL) but I’ll let my subconscious figure that out while I watch cartoons tonight ^___^

        • smishsmosh22

          I watch cartoons toooooooo!

  • jbird669

    You’re welcome! Surprised the person putting on the tourney hasn’t read them!

  • jbird669

    WINNER OF WEEK 7: “Thrills, Kills, and Scotch” by Mayhem Jones. Tremendous job, Mayhem. I haven’t read the script.

    WHAT??II