Umbra

Posted on June 15, 2009 | by admin

Genre: Thriller
About: A man finds an old cassette tape, the contents of which reveal something horrifying.
About: A very hot script that a lot of people are talking about in Hollywood: Karczynski sold this to Relativity Media last month. The property has garnered the interest of “No Way Out” and “The Recruit” director, Roger Donaldson. Although I haven’t been able to confirm it, this appears to be Karczynski’s first sale.
Writer: Steven Karczynski

Imagine your best friend shows up at your door. He’s hurried, excited. He dashes into your living room, “You gotta see this! You gotta see this!” He brings up Facebook and shows you the profile of the hottest girl you’ve ever seen in your life. He then says to you, “This girl saw your picture today and she wants to meet you.” “What??” you ask. “Yes! She’s at the coffee shop waiting for you right now!” You can’t believe your good fortune. You and your friend hop in the car, speed over to the coffee shop, run inside…but it’s empty. Your friend gets a text. “Oh, she left. She’s at the bowling alley. Let’s go!” You rocket over to the bowling alley, look around. She’s not there. Your friend gets a call. “She said her friends got bored and went to get some food.” So you drive over to the restaurant. Hurry inside. She’s not there. Your friend calls her. Oops, they decided to go to a movie. But she wants you to come to this party she’ll be at tonight. So you go home, get ready, look as good as you’ve ever looked before. Possibly even put on cologne. You’re bursting with anticipation. It’s finally time. You go. You look around. You can’t find her. You start asking people where she is. “Has anybody seen Jane?” Then someone walks up to you and says, “Didn’t you hear? She just died in a car crash.”

And that pretty much sums up my experience with Umbra.

Umbra is one frustrating-ass script. David happens upon a strange package jammed halfway into a mailbox in front of his house. He can’t resist opening it (would any of us be able to?) and finds a cassette tape inside. He buys an old tape player so he can listen to it. At first, we don’t hear what the tape says. All we see is David’s reaction as he listens. This is par for the course with Umbra, and what, for better or worse, sets it apart from every other script out there. There’s a lot of playing with time, playing with space, playing with sound and voice over. We’re hearing things, we’re not hearing things, we’re watching one thing while hearing another thing, etc. etc. It works quite well in my opinion, because it keeps you off-balance — just like David.

Midway through the tape, David gets a look on his face of such profound fear, we realize he’s heard something horrible. And here’s where Umbra will either get you or lose you. The rest of the script is David going to work, suspecting he’s being watched, suspecting he’s being pursued, is pursued…all while we get bit by agonzing bit of the tape. The whole thing feels like an American Idol results show. As we’re teased and teased and teased with pointless and uninteresting performances, we must wait until the very last minute to find out who gets voted off.

Actually, that’s a little harsh. The portion of the script where David gets chased is quite good. Particularly the way we see him get chased. Part of the brilliance of Umbra is it really takes you into the mind of a single person. David doesn’t have any relationships in his life, anyone to talk to. The point-of-view is so specific to this one character, that everything feels incredibly claustrophobic and personal. When things start going bad for David, we feel like they’re going bad for us too.

I’ll tell ya, the last 20 pages of this thing, I don’t know if I’ve ever read a script that fast. Some crazy ass shit starts happening. But the critical moment of the tape hasn’t played yet and we’re dying to know what’s said on it. We have to know what evokes that reaction on David’s face. We have to hear that final piece of the puzzle.

And when it comes…

When it comes…

It’s so disappointing that it’s beyond disappointing. Not because the idea is stupid, but because it doesn’t answer anything. It’s deliberately vague, and in that sense, a huge cheat. You basically dragged us along with this recording, taking advantage of the fact that you knew we’d go anywhere with you until you revealed it…and then you finish with this…non-answer. You killed the beautiful Facebook Girl.

Afterwards, when I sat back and thought about it, I realized that for 98% of the read, the screenplay was amazing. Because the job of the writer is to make the reader want to see what happeens next. and for 95 pages, that’s all I wanted. I wanted to see what happened next. Because of that, Umbra leaves me feeling very conflicted as to my final reaction to the story. There’s such great stuff in here and yet it’s ultimately disappointing.

I guess I’m giving it a “Worth The Read”. I mean, it did enough right that I can’t not recommend it.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: There’s a passage early on in Umbra where the character is running for his life. This is how it reads: “The Caller rips through several backyards. It’s as if we’re tied to the Caller’s back as he runs. He falls. We fall. He stumbles. We stumble.” Ten years ago, a writer would have been sent to prison for saying “it’s as if we’re tied to the Caller’s back as he runs.” “What are you doing??” a reader would say. “You’re not allowed to direct the action! That’s the director’s job!” People used to (and still do) really get in a hissy-fit about these kinds of things. But this is how I see it – if directing action helps me imagine the movie, why not use it? As long as it’s used in moderation, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Hell, it might even give the director some better ideas.

P.S. As always, if you’re going to discuss the ending in the comments, please post *SPOILER* before you do. And if I misunderstood the ending (it is open to some interpretation), please let me know. I certainly feel like I missed something. But I still think it was the script that didn’t provide it.

Posted in Thriller, Worth The Read
  • Anonymous

    This script was great. But I agree with you. What the hell was that ending?

  • Anonymous

    Ending absolutely TERRIBLE.
    If they do make it, and keep that ending, then the word of mouth will kill it.

  • Carson Reeves

    The problem they have is that they set up what's said on the tape as the most horrifying thing anybody's ever heard in the history of existence. How do you live up to that? How do you come up with something to meet that expectation? You can rewrite that ending to death but nobody can come up with a revelation that shocking.

  • Lumi

    I haven't read Umbra yet so I don't know the ending, but one of the worst endings of all the scripts you've posted Carson has to be SUNFLOWER, at the end of the script I was like what the fuck? The first hundred pages of SUNFLOWER were so good that when the ending came I absolute gave the script an EPIC FAIL. if Sunflower ever gets produced the ending needs to be changed. Anybody feel the same way I do about the ending of Sunflower?

  • Carson Reeves

    Lol, I was actually just talking to the writer of Sunflower. She says the ending's been changed.

  • Lumi

    Thank goodness that the ending of Sunflower is getting changed, the script rocked until the end. Thanks Carson for the info. Your site rules!

  • Carson Reeves

    Yes, William Friedkin is attached to direct Sunflower (of Exorcist fame) and someone's putting a final polish on the script right now. Misha (the writer) is very nice by the way. She's currently working on Heroes.

  • Anonymous

    See I thought the ending of Sunflower didn't work that well because of problems with the first two acts. Namely, we didn't know the two girls well enough to buy the psychology behind the twist at the end.

    It was well-constructed in its thriller mechanics but the characters and dialogue were a tad flat.

  • Anonymous

    why is this not posting?

  • Anonymous

    ****SPOILER*****
    Stupid, sci-fi ending. There was an 80's movie similar to this but I can't remember the name of it, where some guys were camping in the woods and 1 gets kidnapped by UFO, put into some cocoon thing and liquid goo forced into his mouth, then returned to Earth where he is found by the police, naked and petrified. Just weird.

  • TheInSneider

    Fire in the Sky?

  • Anonymous

    I can kinda guess what's on the tape that's so horrifying. Is it that jazz album Steven Segal released a while back?

  • John

    The opening of this script (which seemingly has little to do with the rest of the script) was apparently stolen from here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee3bld4lTG0

  • Carson Reeves

    Ah yes, I noticed that. Also, the last name of the man who escaped in the script is "Lazar". Bob Lazar is a famous/infamous physicist who claimed he worked in Area 51. I was actually going to mention that stolen opening in the review but in the end I decided it's not plagiarism so who cares. Nobody had used it yet so why not take it?

  • Carson Reeves

    Spielberg stole all those real stories for Close Encounters.

  • Anonymous

    JJ Says:

    If you ever want to see the "real" (depending on your perspective, I guess) stories behind Close Encounters, find a copy of J. Allen Hynek's 1972 book "The UFO Experience"; the 10th chapter is actually named "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind", and vast passages of the book ended up in CE3K almost verbatim. And Hynek himself, of course, makes a cameo appearence in Close Encounters near the end.

    About to read Umbra, but Carson, I want to see Facebook Girl: The Movie!!!

  • LindaM

    I felt the same way about the ending of Memento. I waited through the whole long "detective" story only to be sorely disappointed at the end. Felt cheated.

    Compare that to the ending of Cronicas, an amazing movie (2004 with John Leguizamo) I just discovered. While the ending is completely logical and builds on everything that has occurred, it still hits you like a brick and haunts you for a long time. A brilliant film.

  • Joshua James

    I really enjoyed this script, one hell of a fast read and you really wanted to know what was going to happen next … I mean, you really did.

    SPOILERS

    The ending didn't bother me as much as some folks, though I get the disappointment, I do … I kinda dug it that it was the way it was … definitely not INDEPENDENCE DAY, right? LOL!

    I was thinking that, if the writer removed the words "They were being disposed of" from the recording, just left it up to our imagination (just as we see David's face as he is about to undergo whatever it is) it would have been more successful, in my mind.

    In other words, cut the tape off, don't give it to us, let what might be haunt the audience.

    Just my opinion, of course … but I think this is a rocket of a read, I do.

  • Anonymous

    yo email da script to me nigga. dhboi@yahoo.com

  • Anonymous

    i would also like to read this script if anyone would like to share.
    i woke up to find it had already been taken down.

  • Anonymous

    if someone could send the script to floydjosh@rocketmail.com I'd really appreciate it.

  • Carson Reeves

    Remember to follow me on Twitter guys. I post the second I put a review up, so you can download the script before it gets taken down.

  • Anonymous

    So… wtf? Can someone interpret that ending for me please?

  • Anonymous

    I'd be interested in reading it as well cclark0416@gmail.com

  • Anonymous

    If anyone wants to share, I'd love to read this script. Email it to me at pathofleast@gmail.com and I'll be glad to return the favor.

    How 'bout The Only Living Boy in New York, by Alan Loeb? It's a great read and sold to Columbia preemptively a couple of years ago. It's one of the only true dramas that's sold for good money over the last five years without having a big attachment.

    Thanks.

    Anonymous One.

  • Tony

    i love "only living boy in new york." love allan loeb's writing in that one.

  • Anonymous

    UMBRA presents the same problem I have with LOST. It's cool getting there, do whatever the f*ck you want, as many bitch ass reveals you can pull out your ass, the farther fetched the better. Because it doesn't have to make any goddamned sense at the end, the people will still label it genius, and most will just keep watching. It's a damned ponzi scheme. And so is LOST.

  • Anonymous

    My guess on the ending? They were turning people into delicious, nutritious, Soylent Green. There.

  • Anonymous

    Not fair! Is there anywhere I can get a peak at this piece of work? Anyone?

  • Jim Endecott

    If anyone is emailing the script please forward it to jendecott2001@yahoo.com.

    Thank you very much!

    -Jim

  • Anonymous

    If someone has this script, I'd be grateful if they could email a copy to pbmbe@hotmail.com

  • Anonymous

    I thought this was a very solid read. The ending didn't bother me much, but if I wrote this I'd have put more time into it. The ending reads more like a rough draft. This is the positive thing for me though. You can seemingly change the ending, change the tape and still keep the intensity.

    I also think the script was too good to need to save the reveal for the last page. The "what is on the tape sensation" really pushed its absolute limit on this one. I think people would be less critical if it revealed earlier, let the falling action take care of the rest. I know the writer probably fell it love with the way they ended it, but it does make everything feel cheated.

    The chase is by far the best part of this script.

    Great read.

  • DeafEars

    Well, that was stupid.

    It has a cool setup (kind of reminiscent of a so-so movie made out of a hot script called MIRACLE MILE) and the writing isn't bad, so I kept reading, but overall I wasn't at all impressed. I did very much want to find out what's on that tape, so I guess I'd have to call it a page-turner, but the thing is, I wasn't reading the script cause I was really involved with the story, I was reading it because I thought if I just jumped to the end, I wouldn't have all the pieces of the puzzle. As it turns out, I didn't anyway, but the point is, I didn't think David was terribly interesting as a character (does EVERY hero have to have a dead girlfriend/wife that he wouldn't commit to in his backstory now?) so I wasn't invested in his story. What's more, the situations he was in – figures watching him, chasing him, double-crossing him, etc – are pretty damn stock if you ask me. And finally

    SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

    that ending blew. My best guesses – aliens were harvesting humans for their chromosomes or cross-breeding with them or turning them into surrogate wombs ALIEN style. But whatever they were doing, as written it's one of the biggest cop-outs I've ever seen in a script, maybe the biggest. I'm giving it a "barely held my interest."

  • DeafEars

    Oh, and one more thing – cool title, but it had nothing to do with the story as far as I could tell.

  • Anonymous

    Goddamn that ending was terrible.

    This is another thriller script (like The Roommate or Sunflower) that's so well-written on the page that you almost don't notice how weak it is as a story.

    The writer does do a great job of getting us into David's head, as you note, Carson, and also writes in a very cinematic way – lots of nice transitions, cool visuals, sound tricks, etc.

    But the character of David is super thin. He's given a de rigeur tragic backstory to make him sympathetic, but who cares, really? He has no discernable personality. For that matter, neither do any of the other characters. And the dialogue is flat and generic throughout.

    The thriller mechanics are sometimes effective, but moldy as all hell. I mean, there's even one of those "I never told you my name!" moments. Can we retire that cliche, please?

    All this would matter less if there was a knockout ending. But the ending, beyond giving a very vague idea of what's going on, is essentially ambiguous. Which is just a terribly frustrating choice after teasing us the whole script. Ugh.

    Something like Source Code, on the other hand, leaves a lot of things ambiguous, but still has a completely satisfying ending. And, despite being a tight little thriller, it's also quite moving, because (shock! horror!) the writer actually gets us to care for the characters.

  • Carson Reeves

    Yes, the "I never told you my name" moment was bad. The whole time I kept thinking, "They have him out in this field in this car surrounded. Just go and kill him right now. What are they waiting for?"

    I offer these comments with the utmost respect. Thrillers are hard. You have to make all these weird things happen then, in the end, they have to have all made sense. Not easy.

  • Anonymous

    If some generous soul out there is sending it around; tonymosher@gmail.com – thanks much

  • yeebarr

    All I can say is I'm glad Carson is around to read this stuff for us!

    Knowing it was going to end "bad" I could skim through the script without having to waste my time getiing invested in the character (I'm a "destination over journey" kind of guy so a weak ending was never going to settle right with me!

    Following in Carsons awesome footsteps am happy to share the loving to those that want it. You can email me at chris[dot]yee@myob[dot]com (replace the [dot]s obviously).

  • Anonymous

    Yes it was "Fire in the Sky"- the 80's movie that they stole the black goo tubed into the mouth idea from.

  • Carson Reeves

    I sacrifice for the people!

  • Anonymous

    Would someone please forward me a copy to smashcutter@gmail.com? I would really appreciate it.

  • Anonymous

    would really dig a read of this one, if anybody feels like it

    skuags1@yahoo.com

  • Anonymous

    This is one of the worst scripts I've read in the last several months.

    There was 40 pages of material stretched over 96 pages. What really took place in those first 40-50 pages? Not a whole lot, just a bunch of repetitive scenes. I only stuck with the script through the second act based on the hype surrounding the ending.

    About that ending…fuck you Karcynski. I love a murky ending as much as the next guy. In fact, I love a movie that doesn't leave everything nice and neat for me. But this was a cheat of the highest level.

    Also, unless I dozed off and missed it, we never find out who the woman is in the mysterious flashbacks or what the names on that piece of paper meant. Did I miss the explanation?

    I don't need everything handed to me on a silver platter. I just like to know that the writer knows what the fuck he is doing.

    Reading this script was like surveying the internet for porn for an hour while keeping your wang hard, only to be interrupted by your roommate coming home early from work.

  • Terence

    There is good and bad here. For screenwriters, Umbra is technically well written, has great pace and is certainly a page-turner. I forgive the couple of typos in the script, but it’s a great example of how to keep your “reader” engaged. And in today’s competitive world – that’s what you have to do to get noticed.

    It’s too bad that this will make a terrible movie. The ending is weak and anticlimactic and doesn’t live up to the promise that builds through the story. There are a lot of unanswered questions and I didn’t buy David’s inaction or methodology. Paranoia is one thing, but this guy does things that don’t make sense, which stretches the believability of the story. It falls flat because ultimately the story is unsatisfying.

  • Anonymous

    A couple of other flaws that point out the laziness of the writer.

    This top secret government agency is apparently powerful enough to employ trained killers, track citizens, intercept phone calls and emails, and gain access to private security deposit boxes.

    So why only send one guy to kill David, in the scene where David kills his attacker? Why not send two or three as backup? Why not have a guy at the front door and the back door in case David escapes?

    Also, early in the script it becomes apparent that this organization has broken into David's home and looked around for the tape.

    Again, if they are so powerful and smart, why not plant a handful of hidden cameras throughout the house? They'll see where David is hiding the tape, they sneak in and get it, and kill him when he comes home.

    Lazy writing here.

  • Anonymous

    Damn. Missed this one.
    If anybody wishes to send a copy, I'd love a read. I may be able to reimburse with something you won't find here.

    oddboggle@aol.com

  • JonnyAtlas

    Great review Carson.

    Personally, I find it hard to see past my seething frustration and properly review this script (as evidenced by the rant I just posted on my site). The ending of this script sucks so hard it makes me want to jab a pencil through my eye. I don't know that I have ever seen such wasted potential in a script before.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks, all!

    Oddboggle

  • Aaron C

    SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

    After the co-worker was killed so easily, I felt we were moving towards an INVASION FROM MARS (1986) style ending where the main character would wake up to discover it was all a dream.

    I am a little confused, was the government trying to stop them, were they part of it, or was there little left of the government that wasn't alien?

    I think there should have been at least someone telling the main character that something bigger was going on and he was playing into the alien's hands. Maybe the tape could hold the key to stopping the aliens and he was basically handing it over to them…

  • Anonymous

    For those who feel that the opening was a ripoff, just go watch Scorsese's documentary "American Prince" and then watch "Pulp Fiction" and you'll see what rip-off really means.

  • Aaron C

    Sorry, INVADERS FROM MARS… not INVASION…

  • Anonymous

    JJ says:

    INVADERS FROM MARS (1986) ?!?!? Whaaat???

    Please: INVADERS FROM MARS (1953)!

  • Aaron C

    Sorry, it's the 1986 version for me. I saw it too many times as a kid before seeing the 1953 version and therefore, it's where my mind goes first.

  • Anonymous

    "For those who feel that the opening was a ripoff, just go watch Scorsese's documentary "American Prince" and then watch "Pulp Fiction" and you'll see what rip-off really means."

    Both can be rip-offs. I smell a Tarantino hater.

    Regardless, Tarantino is ten times the writer as Karzcynski.

  • Aaron C

    The Scorsese film should be "American Boy."

    A great documentary/interview by the way.

  • Anonymous

    this is bullshit.

    Who has the script?!?!??! I WANT TO READ IT

    ayden_e@yahoo.com

    Please and thank you

  • karaff

    SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

    The flashback woman was his wife and the tattered piece of paper was a list of baby names. The wife apparently died during child birth. (I could be wrong here; like Carson I read the last act very quickly to get to the ending.)

    I really enjoyed this script, though I agree the story is thin. That man sure does a lot of thinking. Think think think, followed by brief moments of pondering and reflection. Then some heavy thinking and a flurry of contemplation.

    And yet it grabbed me from the very first page, and I was totally engrossed to the end (which did not disappoint me as it did others). I value style highly and the dark, disorienting style here made up for the lack of substance.

    I think this could make a very nice little movie. Since it has such a small cast and small number of locations, it could be done fairly cheaply, too.

  • Anonymous

    i agree with karaff. enjoyed it for the most part. was on edge through out. good small little movie.

    a lot of other posts seem like very angry, unsuccessful writers. That Jonny Atlas guy made me laugh with his grammar corrections. The guy clearly has a lot of time on his hands. Maybe he should go teach H.S. English.

  • Anonymous

    "a lot of other posts seem like very angry, unsuccessful writers. "

    I'm sure I'm one of them you're referring to. THe problem with your logic is, I've loved many of the scripts reviewed on this site, including two of the scripts that sold for big money.

    Sometimes a script just sucks, and there isn't any other motive for saying it sucks.

  • Anonymous

    I have also reviewed many scripts on this site, but, it sounds like you might have some anger issues to deal with if a movie script gets you so upset. Go buy yourself a puppy.

  • Anonymous

    Who is upset? I'm not upset. The scripts sucks. That's the writer's fault, not mine. Maybe you should go buy yourself a girlfriend.

  • Anonymous

    Angry, unsuccessful writers, like yourself, are very transparent.

  • Anonymous

    I went and read Johnny Atlas' blog about this script based on the mild but curt back and forth about angry unsuccessful screenwriters. It seems Johnny is angry that the writer underwrote the ending. Not enough mystery. Not enough explanation. I agree, but think Johnny's guilty of the same overwriting in his blog. The whole post should have read: Why do I work in a coffee shop and this guy gets to sell a script?

    Well, because he writes movies, not blogs aimed at taking the teeth out of successful writers. I write for a living, love my work, and will never knock a writer who sold a screenplay. The script? Fair game. Personal attacks? Well, that's the fat best friend calling the prom queen ugly.

    Take it out of overdrive Atlas. Grammar police usually tell shit stories. I'll have a latte please.

  • Anonymous

    same 'underwriting' on his blog. Sorry.

  • Anonymous

    Be nice, guys. I have a screenwriter friend who told me he hates getting sent through readers (he doesn't have to anymore). Never understood until now. You guys hate each other.

    Personally, I love this site and sharing and learning other people's opinions on scripts. It's great. But, frankly, I didn't write Chinatown, so what do I know?

    Anyway, first post- wanted to say thanks, Carson, for the blog.

  • Anonymous

    "Angry, unsuccessful writers, like yourself, are very transparent."

    You're projecting your own feelings. And it's extremely obvious. If you're a success, by all means post your real identity.
    Or are you the author of this shitty script? That would also make sense.

  • JonnyAtlas

    Glad you guys read my blog, whether you liked it or not.

    I may be harsh and have a tendency to ramble, but that's the persona I chose for the blog and I enjoy the hell out of it. It's nice to write whatever the fuck I want and not worry about censoring myself.

    That said, I think Karczynski did a great job with the first half of Umbra (which I noted in my blog post). That's exactly why I was so disappointed by the ending. Once the script hit the midpoint, I got the feeling things were going downhill (which they were).

    Perhaps my sense of humor is a bit biting at times. That's just the way I choose to write for the blog. I'm certainly not mad at Karczynski. I'm just passionate about writing.

    And for the record, I'm a full time writer as well. Quit my job at Starbucks a while back. ;)

  • Anonymous

    "You're projecting your own feelings. And it's extremely obvious. If you're a success, by all means post your real identity."

    Matt Palmer. I never claimed to be a success. I guess I am projecting that I just don't like angry people. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.

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