Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: A backwoods dry county is turned upside down by a bored housewife’s investigation into their bootlegging operation – and a crashed meteor.
Why You Should Read: I absolutely love the Coen Brothers, so I wrote this as if they might consider directing it, as long as a shot as that is. It’s got dumb people making bad decisions that leads to a lot of bloody death. It’s got a great starring role for an older actress. Most of all, I think it’s a funny script with a weird and interesting cast of characters and I really want to make it the best it can be. AOW has proven invaluable historically to writers open to feedback and I am hopeful with some help this can be the script that gets my foot in the proverbial door. (Carson note: Currently in the Nicholl QF)
Writer: Benjamin Hickey
Details: 92 pages
Benjamin has the unenviable task of following what may end up being the most successful amateur script story ever on Scriptshadow. And he’s not making it easy for himself. Dark comedies are arguably the hardest genre to get right. It’s difficult to make people laugh without comedy restrictions. Specifying that the humor can only be dark and you shrink the dart board down even more.
The Coen Brothers are the only modern screenwriters to routinely pull this genre off. And even they’ve had a tough time with it lately. Inside Llewyn Davis and Hail, Caesar were not exactly crowd-pleasers. But you have to admire a writer who’s willing to take on a big challenge. So as I slide my mouse over to click open this script, I wish Benjamin good luck!
We’re told Graham County is the last “dry” county in the state. That means no booze for anyone. Which also means there’s nothing to do around here! That is until dimwitted siblings Joe and Bobby Bird come upon a crashed meteorite which “smells like raspberries.” The glowing blue center implies this thing very well might make them rich, so they throw it in the back of their truck and bring it back home.
Meanwhile, 40-something Isabella Bailey is tired of sitting at home all day waiting for her traveling husband to come back from work trips. The only satisfaction she gets is from making sure everyone in town abides by the law. And she’s convinced that there’s illegal booze being passed around, which she’s determined to expose.
When word gets out that something alien has crashed in the outskirts of town, amateur astronomer and out-of-towner, Clay, zips into Graham County to learn more. Clay’s thrilled when he finds out that NASA themselves are here inspecting the matter. That must mean it’s a big deal.
We eventually learn that Joe and Bobby are secretly brewing beer, and that the meteor “juice” has accidentally dripped into a batch. This creates what may be the best beer ever. It’s too bad that Isabella ain’t having any of it and is determined to take down anyone who breaks this most precious of laws. Will Joe and Bobby survive Isabella’s wrath? Or will their brew, “Black Hole Blue,” make them famous?
This was a fun script.
But it was also a script that felt 3-4 drafts short of where it needs to be.
I’ll have Ben give me the lowdown in the comments but something felt off about the time and place here. It was as if the script was originally written to take place during the Prohibition and then was later re-drafted to take place in the modern day. I say that because nearly everything in this script felt like it belonged in 1925, except for one person mentioning “websites.”
I know there are a few places left in the U.S. where liquor is outlawed. I think this occurs in Utah maybe? But it’s so rare that it overshadowed the story. I was always thinking, “Why is this set in the present again?”
Another thing I had an issue with was the meteor. It wasn’t integrated into the plot enough. I know there are two paths you can take when you come up with an idea like this. You can make the “magical thing” an integral part of the plot, or you can make it a neutral McGuffin that acts as a motivator for all your characters to do crazy things. My belief is that if it’s in the story, it needs to be integrated into the plot. And the meteor was barely integrated into this.
The problem with that is there was so much to play with! What if the strange blue liquid inside this meteor were to get mixed up with their illegal beer brew? Everyone started drinking it and weird things began happening on a day-to-day basis. Instead of that, we get one late scene where everyone drinks the beer together and then… passes out? It was such a weak payoff for all that setup.
That brings me to the main screenwriting lesson I want to teach today. A common thing that happens in screenwriting is that we start with the “coming in too early” version of the story. Then, in each subsequent draft, we move that storyline up until it’s eventually where it should’ve been all along. I’ll give you a classic example of this. You might write a script where your main two characters, a married couple, are having problems in their relationship. Then, a couple of drafts later, you realize that it might be interesting if those problems result in a divorce. So you decide to have them get divorced at the midpoint. Then, a couple of drafts later, you realize that, wait a minute, we’d have a way more exciting opening if we start on these two getting divorced. That way we’re dropped right away into the thick of things.
I feel that the meteorite storyline in Black Hole Blue isn’t coming in early enough. It takes forever for an interesting plot development to happen with the thing. Why not get it going sooner?? We see Bobby stash the meteorite in their house in that opening, and then the very next time we see the brothers, Joe notices it’s been leaking into the brew. They have to make a delivery TONIGHT! What are they going to do? They decide to sell the tainted brew. And before we even hit the second act, people start acting bizarre.
Now if Ben isn’t interested in that story, I’m not going to tell him it’s the only way Black Hole Blue works. But I will say that the plot here didn’t move fast enough, and if it’s not going to be the meteorite that speeds things up, it needs to be something else.
I’m trying to think if I were a producer, would I encourage Ben to keep working on this. Dark Comedy has such a tiny bullseye and is such a gamble at the box office, that the script probably won’t go anywhere. With that said, it’s kind of an ideal writing sample script. It shows that Ben isn’t your typical writer writing your typical cliche Hollywood trash. So if he can make the plot more interesting, this could be a great resume script. It’s not there enough to get a worth the read. But if I worked at a production company, I would definitely ask to see any future scripts from Ben.
Script Link: Black Hole Blue
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: There are two kinds of McGuffins as far as I’m concerned, active and inactive. The active McGuffin plays a large role in the story. It becomes involved in the plot in a more intricate way (think R2-D2). The inactive McGuffin is the McGuffin that’s just there as an excuse to get everybody doing things (think one of those cliche USB drives in a spy movie). The meteor here wasn’t completely inactive. But it wasn’t active enough. And I think with a couple more drafts, it could be. — The more active you make your McGuffin, the less it feels like a McGuffin.
