Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Adventure
Premise: (from writer) When his war-hero grandfather dies, a young man returns home to collect his inheritance — an audio cassette tape of old bedtime stories — but discovers the tape also holds a dark secret that a sinister group of agents wants back at any cost.
Why you should read: (from writer) Because fun, genuine adventure movies for kids and teenagers — without superheroes — are a rare thing these days and I want to mount a comeback. This one’s filled with action, humor, romance and intrigue, dastardly villains and honest heroes. It’s not perfect, but I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (and re-writing it, and re-writing it), and I would love everyone’s help in making it even better.
Writer: Matthew Merenda
Details: 115 pages
Harrison for Jack Walsh!
Is Matthew Merenda right? Are we suffering from a lack of big non-super-hero movies? I’d say, moist sointenly. That may be the most obviously obvious statement of the new millennium. Therefore, after Boom Box blew away the competition a couple of weeks ago in Amateur Offerings, I wondered, “Has this writer finally found the answer to this problem?”
But before we tackle that, Merenda’s question inspired one of my own. How come we haven’t had more movies like Indiana Jones? Big films with unique cool characters not based on intellectual property. Cause when you look at Raiders, it was such a simple idea! Professor dude is secretly a tomb raider in his spare time. Hollywood would have you believe that every single character we see in the movies has already been thought up in book form, comic book form, or video game form. They make it seem as if it is IMPOSSIBLE to write one of these characters on spec.
That begs the question. Is it impossible? Or is it just that spec screenplay writers don’t put in the same effort in creating these characters and these stories as a video game team, or a novelist, or a comic book company? Personally, I’m torn on the issue.
Not that today’s script is a Raiders clone or anything. But it’s an original adventure idea. So what’s it about? Jack Walsh was this big international agent spy dude back in the 50s. He used to save the world on a daily basis, in particular from an evil nasty bastard named “Von Krom.” Jack and Von Krom would regularly get into those situations you saw on the old Batman TV show where they entered a big room with some sort of dangerous giant weapon being prepped and Batman would have to stop the villain from using said weapon before it killed him and everyone else in the world.
Or at least… that’s what Jack Walsh tells his grandchildren, when he regales them with bedtime stories every evening. And according to Jack, he came out victorious, eventually killing Von Krom so that the world would never have to fear him again.
Until the world had to fear him again. That’s right, 60 years later, Von Krom returns! Older but wiser, he introduces a couple of bullets to Jack’s head, making it look like a suicide, and starts his plan to take over the world.
Off in the big city, the now grown-up older of Jack’s two grandchildren, 24 year old failed musician Mike, heads back to attend the funeral, only to be approached by his teenage brother, Max, who believes that Jack did not commit suicide, but was rather murdered!
The two find an old audio cassette tape from Gramps, which, while masquerading as one of his stories, actually has some pulsing sounds in the background that may or may not contain a secret message! As the two begin seeking clues, Max excited, Mike unwilling, they find that all their Grandpa’s stories were true, Von Krom is still alive, and he’s planning on vaporizing everyone in the state with a secret weapon by the end of the evening. Can they stop him in time? Or will this AARP Villain inspire other octogenarian baddies everywhere with his Giantus Killus Opus?
So was Boom Box worth turning up the volume for? Or should this box of metal and plastic head back to its 80s glory days?
Here’s the weird thing about the Amateur Offerings experiment. The script that wins every week almost always LOOKS and FEELS like a script. It’s someone who knows how to do things like keep text sparse, introduce their hero in a compelling way, structure a script. Typically, that takes about 2-3 years to master. So if you’re entering Amateur Friday with 3 years of experience, you’ll often finish in the top 1 or 2, just off your experience and knowledge alone.
But just being proficient in screenwriting isn’t enough. I know I hammer this over your heads all the time, but screenwriting is about telling a story. It’s not about how well you can write. Or how well you understand the technical merits of the craft. That stuff is expected in this profession.
Boom Box is off in its storytelling for a few reasons. Let’s start with the main character, Mike. The guy is a total bummer! He’s so down on himself, so down on everyone else, always negative, never wants to do anything. It’s strange, because Jack Walsh (the grandfather) was awesome! I actually loved the guy, and when I first started reading the script, I thought Merenda was going to try something new and write a senior citizen action-comedy adventure. Admittedly, I don’t know if that movie could get made, but it certainly would’ve made the script stand out more and get more attention, particularly because Jack was such a great character.
As soon as Mike entered the picture though, the entire energy of the script dropped. This is one of the hard parts about screenwriting. I understand WHY Merenda did what he did. By creating a negative hero, he creates resistance, conflict, as well as making for a more complex person. Mike doesn’t believe in his grandfather’s stories like his brother, which allows him to arc over the course of the story and finally believe. That looks good on the stat sheet, but if we’re annoyed by your hero, none of it matters. We’ll check out before we get to experience any of that change. So the first thing I’d do here is make Mike more interesting, give him more personality, not make him such a downer.
Also, I thought the story moved too slowly. It’s crazy. I can take two pieces of information (“Adventure film” and “116 pages”) and before I’ve even read the first page, know something is wrong. Adventure films must move! 105 is a much more comfortable page length for a script like this. So I already knew the script probably meandered in places.
I know what you’re saying. “Carson! You can’t tell that without reading the script!” I admit that this isn’t the case ALL the time. But it usually is. And there it was. We didn’t get to our heroes (the brothers) listening to this tape and going on their adventure until page 35. You don’t need 35 pages to set up the first act. And that’s exactly how it felt while I was reading it (“Man, this is developing really slowly”). If Merenda had had his first act turn where it should’ve been in an action script, page 25, well, that’s your extra ten pages right there! Fix that and you’re down to 105.
The rest of the script was competent but still had problems. I don’t want to downplay what Merenda did here. This looks and feels like a script. But again, I think the storytelling could’ve been more creative and moved quicker. I mean when I see “adventure” as the genre, and then we set up the story with an international super-agent fighting crime all over the world, I guess I expected this adventure to be more than two kids running around a tiny town. It felt too small.
Boom Box is kind of like an 80s mix-tape. It’s got some good songs on it. But then you’ll hit a few tracks that you wish weren’t on there. I think the tape, err, script, has potential though. Start with Mike. Give the guy some life. Then get to the story a little quicker. And, if you can find a way to do so, expand the scope of the story. This last point is the one I’m least sure about. I get the feeling Merenda was going for a sort of “Goonies” vibe. So maybe the readers will argue with me on that one. But to me, it feels too small. If you can tackle those three problems, Boom Box is going to sound a lot better.
Script link: Boom Box
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Don’t describe your female lead as: “classically beautiful.” I see this description in every other script that I read. Come on guys. You’re writers. Your job is to give us your own unique take on everything. If you’re writing exactly what everyone else is, how are you going to distinguish yourself?
