Genre: TV Pilot (Drama)
Premise: (from writer) In a dystopian future where death comes early for most, the hyper-violent game of Bullseye keeps the downtrodden masses pacified. The stars of the game trade a shortened life expectancy for luxury and carnal pleasure. But when Bullseye’s most famous star tries to retire, it’s the seed of resistance that ultimately leads to a revolution led be the men and women who play the most dangerous of games.
Why You Should Read: This script originally started as a feature spurred on by an article you wrote about mining public domain IP for ideas. I was going to write an adaptation based on the famous short “The Most Dangerous Game”. Set in a dystopian future, in my story the island is used as a place to hunt famous athletes who dare to leave a violent sport called ‘Bullseye’. Then something happened. After the 1st act, I didn’t want to go to the island for the rest of the story. Rather, I wanted to continue to explore the characters and world I had created. **** So I hit on another Carson mantra, always have at least one pilot in your arsenal. While I have written 9 features, this is my first pilot. And I discovered that I enjoyed this format much more than I ever anticipated. One last thing – I’ve been writing for a good fifteen years now. Writing screenplays is much like climbing Mount Everest. You actually have to go backwards a few times before you get to the top, and there’s no guarantee you’ll ever get there. Most writers fall into a crevasse and are never heard from again. I’m hoping this script is my rope bridge to the summit. I’d appreciate anything the SS community has to say.
Writer: A.C. Shelby
Details: 65 pages
One of the hardest things to do is write compelling sports action. That’s because to a reader, everything looks like: “And then he runs over to the ball!” “He dodges and leaps, barely making the first down.” “Just as the opponent turns his head, he speeds past him!” “He dribbles over to the right side of the field, scanning his options.” Imagine reading 6, 7, 8 pages of that. I’d rather drink a lava smoothie.
So I always tell sports screenwriters to focus on the game within the game. Focus on conflict between the players. Focus on your hero’s weaknesses and how he’s going to overcome them. Try and find moments that engage the audience, as opposed to describing that perfect move. I can’t remember how a single game unfolded in the movie Bull Durham. But I remember the scene where Crash tells Nuke to throw the ball at the mascot like it was yesterday.
Does this issue plague “Most Dangerous?” Or does it have other problems to worry about? Join me in the ring and we’ll find out together…
34 year old Benedict Haven is the star player in a future sport that makes football look like curling. Part hockey, part handball, all violence, Bullseye is just as much about killing as it is about winning.
While the threat of death, or worse, tests the psychological limits of its players, there’s no doubt that there are perks to playing the game. We live in a world so plagued by smog, that if you don’t have a high-quality “breather,” you’ll suffocate before you’ve even made it to work. Benedict and other players don’t have to worry about that. They have the kind of money that protects them from the elements.
But Benedict is sick of the game. After killing an opponent via a controversial move, he’s had enough. So he tells the team manager that he’s done. The manager asks him to cool down for a couple of days and make a decision then.
In the meantime, Benedict’s best friend on the team, Dynamo, is cut after suffering a debilitating headshot. When Benedict goes to visit him, he’s told he’s been shipped out to an underground team. Benedict is forced to visit the grimy underworld of this city to retrieve his friend, only to find him lobotomized.
Benedict eventually heads back to the nice part of the city, where the manager allows him to sign his retirement papers. Finally, Benedict can move on with his life. However, in the final scene, Benedict is called in to see Titus, the team owner.
Titus informs him that he should’ve paid closer attention to the papers he signed, because they actually place him in indentured servitude for the rest of his life. Benedict isn’t going anywhere. He’s going to be playing Bullseye for a looooooong time.
Before we get to the game of Bullseye, I want to bring up a few things.
I read a lot of scripts set in the future. And almost every one describes the future in the same way. So my disbelief is never suspended. It’s just one more copy of a place I’ve already been to. Look no further than Mute and Altered Carbon, as worlds that rip off something we’ve already experienced. Shelby adds just enough new detail to this world to overcome this problem.
For example, when a girl Benedict slept with the previous night is about to leave, he asks her, “Do you have your breather?” She says she doesn’t, but she should be okay. “No,” he says, “Take one of mine.” He retrieves one. She looks at it, surprised. “Top of the line.” Then we go outside and see everybody has these breathers. And as the woman heads into the subway, we see a man splayed across the steps, dead, sans breather, people paying him no mind. This sequence solidified this world to me. It felt slightly different than what I’d seen previously.
Unfortunately, that’s the only thing I can praise this pilot for. Because after this opening, the script becomes one long monotone note.
Let’s begin with the game. I’m not sure I like this game. The way it’s described, with people launching off of springboards and “goalies” who are swinging back and forth on ropes, I imagined this to be a really dark performance of Cirque de Soleil. And I’m not sure that’s what Shelby was hoping for. But I mean you have players flying through the air and you have people swinging around. What else are we supposed to imagine?
The bigger problem, however, was the killing rules. This is your concept. A game that’s deadly. A game where it’s okay to kill your opponent. That’s why I’m tuning in. However, there is no explanation as to what the rules for killing are, or why you’d want to kill someone in the first place. As far as I can tell, you don’t get extra points. So what’s the benefit of it?
We get one game of Bullseye in the pilot, and towards the end of the game, Benedict, away from the action, grabs a woman from the other team and snaps her neck. The crowd starts booing. The announcers call it a cheap shot that will be looked at after the game. In the meantime, I have no idea why any of this is happening. Why randomly kill someone at the end of the game away from the ball? It didn’t seem to affect anything. And why is the kill controversial? Since I haven’t been given the rules, I don’t know. And that was frustrating.
This pilot could of benefitted from a big bucket of clarity and a tub full of stakes. What is the importance of this particular game? Where are we in the season? Does killing help the team advance in the standings somehow?
The beauty of Stephen King’s The Running Man (another futuristic deadly game movie) is how easy it is to understand the game.
You run. You try not to get killed.
This is what so many writers forget. They’re so obsessed with creating big futuristic worlds with a big futuristic mythology that they forget to make things easy to understand. At the very least, Shelby needs to explain the purpose of killing. That was the main reason I was interested in this premise. A modern day gladiatorial battle. For me to be confused about what’s going on is inexcusable.
Another problem with this pilot is that it takes itself too seriously. You got the feeling that if someone cracked a joke in this story they’d be shot on sight. Everything is sooooooo over-the-top dire. Everything is soooooooo over-the-top depressing. If I’m miserable visiting your world, I’m probably not going to show up next week.
One of you posted a clip from Braveheart yesterday – the one where the two men join William Wallace’s team, one of them a goofball. It was such a great example of a writer understanding that his story was getting too serious and needed a release. So he added this scene that made us laugh. And stories need that. They need to go up and down, up and down. They can’t stay on one continuous level the whole time. That’s a sure path to boredom.
Finally, you have to restructure this plot. The game shouldn’t be at the beginning. It should be at the end. One of the problems here is we’re watching this depressing dude retire. Why would I look forward to that? What do I get from that as a viewer? I don’t care. But if you placed the game at the end of the pilot, everything changes. Now, I have something to look forward to.
It would allow you to build up the game. You can have people talk about how dangerous it is. You can have Benedict get interviewed by ESPN – asked by the reporter what he thinks about the double-kill from last night’s game. Identify people who love Benedict (+ others on the team) and show how terrified they are of their loved ones competing in this sport. We see the effects this game has on all these people BEFORE the game, which, in turn, makes the game itself almost mystical. We’ll be dying to see what it’s all about, turning the final act into a true climax. Also, Benedict killing someone (assuming we understand why he did it) is a great cliffhanger for the next episode. I can imagine a scenario where Benedict is the one player on the team who’s never had a kill. And they say your first kill changes you. Changes everything. And we can see it in his eyes after he’s killed the player. A mixture of shock, adrenaline, anger, maybe a pinch of excitement… CUT TO BLACK.
Script link: Most Dangerous
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: One can not appreciate the bitter without the sweet. You need levity, even in the most serious of scripts. One of the easiest ways to achieve this is to add a fun character. Someone who takes life a little less seriously than your hero. Being able to bring that character in whenever you need a laugh is a nice option to have. Here’s the clip that was posted in the comments yesterday from Braveheart, which is a good example of this tip in action.
