Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Horror/Contained/Thriller
Premise (from writer): When a bed-ridden teen discovers his online crush has been murdered, he investigates her death, leading him on a hunt to stop her killer before he strikes again.
Why You Should Read: Gary’s script received many up-votes in the comments section!
Writer: Gary Rowlands
Details: 97 pages
Rising star Logan Lerman for David?
Gary had it out for me in yesterday’s comments. But I understand his frustration. I hadn’t sent out a newsletter in a few weeks, and I know it sucks not knowing when those things are coming, especially when they sometimes end up in the SPAM box (I believe this has something to do with providing links in each newsletter). But none of that matters anymore because the newsletter went out last night and boy was it a doozy. You’ll definitely want to fish for it as it’s well worth your time. And if you’re not on the newsletter list, then by golly you should be. Sign up here.
So why did today’s script get picked? Well, Gary informed me that his script had gotten over 30 up-votes in the Disqus comments. I’m not sure exactly what that means (does that mean these people read the whole thing? Part of it? That they just liked Gary?) but we didn’t have an Amateur Offerings post last week, so I needed a script to review. Call it opportunity colliding with luck. And hey, the horror market’s hot right now with a big horror spec sale yesterday (about that suspicious death on the top of that Los Angeles hotel), so maybe Gary can keep the streak going.
When we meet 17 year-old David Fletcher, he’s sprinting through the forest in the middle of the night. We’re not sure why, but we’re guessing there’s something behind him that he wants to get away from. That’s usually how midnight runs work. David makes it to a highway, and seemingly to safety, except highways are where those pesky automobiles dart around, and no sooner than David remembers that than one slams into him. This results in a powerful near death experience, where David sees the whole tunnel and bright light and everything.
Cut to David in his bedroom a few weeks later. He’s in bad shape, bad enough where he can’t even leave his bed. And we all know what that means. The perfect excuse to ALWAYS BE ON THE INTERNET! David surfs the internet constantly, and one night, late, runs into a mysterious hot little number named Debbie, who he starts webcamming with.
Debbie seems cool, until we realize she’s DEAD. Yes, David realizes he saw Debbie in the tunnel. And he can’t tell her because she’s terrified of dying. Meanwhile, a local female cop comes around asking questions about Debbie, since the person who killed her is a serial killer and will strike again once the next full moon strikes. There’s something suspicious about this officer so David keeps his info close to the vest.
Once David comes to terms with the reality that he’s web-camming with a ghost, he decides to call a psychic, a Chinese woman named Mei Li. Mei Li tells David he MUST find out who Debbie’s boyfriend was as she thinks that’s the guy killing all these girls during all these full moons. The problem is, Debbie’s a human lie detector and knows when David’s trying to juke her, which leaves David with no juking options.
Eventually, the killer kills again and it all comes to a head, with everybody a suspect. The cop, the mysterious driver who almost killed David, and David himself! And if that isn’t bad enough, David’s also gotta inform Debbie that she’s not a real person anymore. She’s a ghost. Talk about an odd way to start a relationship!
I gotta give it to Gary. Offline was super easy to read. Like most scripts that end up on Amateur Friday, the mechanics were very strong. The opening was a bit too poetic for my taste (be careful about being too lyrical. You risk sacrificing clarity for prose), but after that, the prose was simple and to the point.
After that first scene though, the script started to run into some problems in my eyes. It started with little things. Like David going through his photo album, which conveniently contained newspaper articles about him being arrested at 14 and his dad’s suicide. Why would you keep articles of these things in an otherwise happy photo album other than you’re trying to cheaply convey exposition?
Also, many of the characters and moments in Offline were either heavy-handed, cliché, or both. For example, voices in the room chant “Omnibus” which David looks up. Turns out it translates directly to “Death to all.” The keys on his computer randomly type on their own. What do they spell? “D-e-m-o-n.” The serial killer only ever kills on one day. When? During a full moon. David is asked what his favorite memory is. Going to a ball game with his dad. There were too many of these moments where it didn’t feel like Gary dug deep enough. He just went with the first thing that popped into his head, and that always amounts to an overall cliché story.
Once we hit the stereotypical inadvertently funny Asian psychic, that’s when I officially knew this story wasn’t going to work for me. Mei Li giving David advice in her funny Chinese accent just made this script too goofy. This led to other somewhat goofy choices, like how the killer only killed women who wore Jimmy Choo shoes (and would keep one shoe as a memento).
The dialogue also needed work. Much of it was very straight-forward and on-the-nose, like on page 47, where David talks about his dad committing suicide and not even leaving him a note: “Nothing matters. Not now. Not then. Least not me. Not to Dad. Fact he had a son who idolized him never made a difference. It didn’t matter… I DIDN’T MATTER.” Debbie gazes at him. Wants to say something. Hesitates. “You matter to me.”
I understand that sometimes you want you characters to say what they feel, but not this early, and this is way too on-the-nose. People just don’t talk this way in real life. Or later, on page 68:
[David] “kisses the tip of his index finger, gently presses it against Debbie’s soft lips via the screen.” Debbie: (smiles) “What was that for?” David: “Believing in me.” I know these moments feel “right” when you’re writing them because there’s so much emotion being conveyed. But when you’re looking at this exchange from the other side, you’re saying, “Oh man, that was so on-the-nose and over-the-top!” It can take a writer awhile to finally see that these moments aren’t achieving what he believes they are. Readers do not respond well to on-the-nose emotion.
And we haven’t even gotten to the most controversial aspect of this script, which is that it takes place in one room (except for the beginning). On the one hand, this is great. It means a really cheap movie that the writer can make himself! On the other, it’s bad, because it means lack of variety, considerably upping the probability that the reader (and audience) will get bored.
Gary does a pretty good job keeping the plot moving though, even with this handicap. There are lots of a little twists and turns along the way. And we do have our GSU firmly in place (David’s got to find the killer before he strikes again, which is very soon, with the upcoming full moon). He also has an intriguing character in the stepmom, who has schizophrenia and constantly abuses David. It was a bit too much like Misery at times, but different enough to feel like its own thing.
So that was good. But the overall problem remains: the story is too on-the-nose and too many cliché choices were made. If a malevolent entity is trying to scare someone, I don’t think they’re going to ghost-type “Demon” on the keys. They’re going to type something much more random and confusing, something so strange that it will scare the crap out of us.
In this next draft and moving forward, I’d love to see Gary challenge himself more and try and eliminate all his cliché choices. Take chances. Don’t give us what we’ve already seen before. Try to carve your own path whenever you write. That’s how your voice comes out. I wish him luck!
Script link: Offline
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Over-emotion on the page usually creates the opposite effect on the reader.
