Genre: Dram/Sci-fi
Premise: Sway, a talented high school pianist with a hard home life, gains the power of mind control but must strengthen it if she hopes to escape the clutches of her abusive, drug-pushing cousin.
Why You Should Read: Hey, name’s Brittany! I may not comment much but I read SS everyday. Been reading, absorbing, mostly writing. I come here with a script I’ve been working on for a little while. I’ve always wanted to write a “superpower” story set in the real, real world with very personal stakes for the main character rather than world altering ones. There’s very little special effects and no over the top sci-fi jibber jabber. It’s pretty contained and written with a low budget in mind. Chiefly, this is a story about how abuse victims grow defense mechanisms to help cope with their abusers. In this case, the victim gains an actual superpower. I look forward to any helpful feedback from Carson and the awesome SS community!
Writer: Brittany Lamoureux
Details: 88 pages
“Sway” comes along at just the right time as I’m getting in touch with my dark side this week!
I checked out Gillian Flynn’s HBO show, “Sharp Objects,” yesterday, and tomorrow I’m watching the first episode of Castle Rock on Hulu.
“Sway” has echoes of Donnie Darko in its description. Let’s see how it stands up to that cult classic.
16 year old Sway lives in a trailer park with her alcoholic mom and young sister. All of her downtime is spent working for her abusive older cousin, Rocky, who’s responsible for producing the park’s only source of income, oxycodone.
The only escape Sway has is school, particularly band class, where she gets to play piano. It’s in this class where she meets Dylan, a new kid who she quickly falls for. When Sway is chosen as one of a dozen kids to play at Carnegie Hall in a few weeks, both her and Dylan are ecstatic.
But Sway has a horrible secret. Every night when she goes to sleep, she’s visited by a horrifying shadowy monster, a monster who roughs her up and suffocates her, leaving her mentally and physically exhausted every morning.
One night during an attack, however, a black void opens up in the ceiling, momentarily distracting her from the attack. Later, she finds out that this void has given her a power, the power to manipulate people with her stare.
The power works on everybody except the most strong-minded. Unfortunately that means that the only person she wants to use the power on – Rocky – she can’t. Which sucks because Rocky refuses to sign off on Sway going to Carnegie Hall. Or hanging out with Dylan.
Dylan gets the idea that all Sway needs to do is practice her power and soon she’ll become strong enough to mind-control Rocky. Afterwards, the two can run off to New York, pursue Sway’s musical career, and live happily ever after.
Did “Sway” sway me?
Dad joke alert.
Sorry.
“Sway” is good. But it’s not nearly as good as it could be.
I like this idea of exploring rape through symbolism. Most writers will approach stuff like this literally. And literal is usually boring. When you create something to symbolically represent an atrocious act, it somehow becomes more real. And more horrifying.
My concern with “Sway” is more with the superpower stuff. I know Brittany said she ditched the exposition we typically see in superhero origin stories. And while that’s great in theory (I don’t need a 20 page breakdown explaining to me how Sway can manipulate minds), Sway’s power is SO simplistic in its origin and its application that I never bought into it.
A spinning void appears in your ceiling and that’s what gives you the power to manipulate people? Where’s the connection? At one point, Dylan jokes about Spider-Man getting his powers. That’s an example of a transformation that made sense. A radioactive spider bites a man. That man then gains spider-like powers. There’s a logical progression from A to B. There’s no logical progression here.
Not only that. But the power isn’t explored.
It’s used to get a bully to leave Dylan alone. It’s used to get Sway’s mom off her back. It’s used to get a free meal at the diner. But it’s not woven into the plot in any essential way. I mean what happens if Sway never gains this power? The movie is the same, isn’t it? Every major plot beat is the same.
Now I’m guessing this power is a metaphor for something – maybe Sway learning to stand up for herself? I don’t know. I’m notoriously terrible at picking up on these things. But even if that’s the case, a power can’t exist solely as a metaphor. It’s got to be integrated into the plot as well. That’s the power of a metaphor, is that it works on dual levels.
On top of this, there isn’t a big enough engine driving the plot. I remember I’d gotten to page 40 and I still wasn’t sure what the movie was about. You had stuff going on, such as the monster visiting Sway at night and the love story with Dylan, but there was nary a plot to be found.
Eventually, I realized the entire plot was built around going on this Carnegie Hall field trip. Is that enough to drive an entire movie? It didn’t feel like it to me.
I think that’s where I would start on a rewrite, is looking to inject more plot into the story. We definitely need more info on this piano stuff. You go from a girl in a trailer park looking at a beat up piano in the corner of the living room to her being chosen to play in the most famous music hall in the world. We need way more than that to buy her as a music prodigy.
And we need more complex characters. Outside of Rocky and Sway, everybody’s either cliche or simplistic. The drunk mom. The nervous boyfriend. The supportive music teacher. I liked how Rocky wasn’t JUST a monster. He was this guy burdened with supporting everyone in this park and living up to his father’s name. That’s the kind of complexity ALL of the characters needed.
Furthermore, there isn’t enough variety in the way people speak or act. Where’s the motormouth who lives at the trailer park? Where’s Sway’s chatty best friend at school? Everybody here speaks in one or two lines. There isn’t a single scene where two character really TALK to each other about things. It’s all so sparse that you’ll miss some scenes if you blink.
With that said, I like a lot of this. This is the kind of script that could make The Black List, especially with its subtle #metoo message. It’s the kind of script a visionary director would love. Who’s not going to want the 2018 version of Donnie Darko? But I think it needs 15 more pages. It needs more plot, more sub-plots, more characters who stand out beside Sway and Rocky, more color. It needs more dialogue. People talking to each other for more than three exchanges. And I’m not convinced it needs the power. Unless you’re going to make that power a bigger part of the story. But Brittany should keep working on this. There’s something here.
Script Link: Sway
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Don’t miss opportunities to draw out suspense! Early in the script, Sway is in band class and the teacher says, “Okay, a dozen of you have been chosen to play at Carnegie Hall,” and then, one line later, proceeds to tell the class who made it! Noooooo!!! You never want to do it this way. You want the teacher to tell the class that TOMORROW he’ll be announcing who’s playing at Carnegie Hall. That way you have the reader wrapped around your finger for the next 10 pages until they find out. Never miss a chance to draw out suspense!
