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Genre: Film Noir/Horror
Premise: (from writer) Heaven and Hell converge on New York when an ancient book disappears. But the only man that can save the city is a non-believer with a grudge against the Church.
Why you should read: (from writer) My script is a 2013 ShriekFest Finalist. This is my fourth time being a finalist in that competition. My story meshes classic film noir elements with the supernatural. Think “The Maltese Falcon” with demons. But I’ve swapped out the old school cops with Vatican goons and the mob with demons to put a fresh spin on those tropes. Please consider The Devil’s Jokebook for review. It’s a DEMON NOIR with one hell of a punch line.”
Writer: Phil Clarke Jr.
Details: 101 pages
It’s Halloween (technically, since I’m writing this review on the 31st). And that can only mean one thing. That’s right, THE BLOOD LIST! Kailey Marsh’s list of the top horror scripts of the year has begun List Season (the script world equivalent of Awards Season). The top script is a script called “Ink & Bone” about a female book editor who visits the home of a horror writer so he can complete his novel, only to find that all his creations are holding him hostage.
It was also nice to see Mike Le’s Patient Z on the list as well, which I heard just sold for a boatload of money. If you remember, I did an interview with Mike a while back about pitching. Always fun to see people you know succeed and do well. I received a mystery e-mail with all these scripts attached this morning, so I can tell you right now, the scripts are out there. Be nice to your fellow writers in the comments and pass the scripts along. No matter what anybody tells you, you guys deserve to be able to get your hands on and read those scripts. Reading sold specs is the second most important educational tool outside of writing for screenwriters.
Which leads us to today’s horror script, The Devil’s Jokebook. Can’t say I’m too thrilled about the title (I don’t like serious movies with titles that could be misconstrued as comedic). But you can call your script “Meanie Persons Who Eat Bananas” for all I care. If the script’s good, I’m good. So, yeah, here’s to hoping this is as good as Meanie Persons.
Michael Delacroix is like a cross between Indiana Jones and Robert Langdon … if Indy and Robert could talk to demons! The former member of the church has long since resigned due to his brother’s death. Now he goes out and looks for ancient religious relics for high-end clients. And he’s recently been hired for a big one – something called The Devil’s Jokebook, which may or may not contain proof that everything about Christianity is a lie. His client? A 15 foot tall demon rock creature named Ildeth.
Michael would live a pretty lonely existence if it wasn’t for his on-again off-again girlfriend, 16 year old Hannah. Before you get up in arms about her age, consider the fact that Hannah is actually an 800 year old demon. If you want to witness the definition of a love-hate relationship, watch these two. One second Hannah’s ready to make out with Michael, the next she’s ready to tear his insides out, literally!
Michael finally locates the book, which has actually been stolen by a couple of high-ranking church officials. These guys want to bury this thing and make sure it never sees the light of day, lest it destroy all faith and turn the planet into a madhouse. But Michael doesn’t care about the greater good. He just wants to make money.
Then a wrench is thrown into Michael’s plan when it’s unclear whether the book is real. He must head off to a testing facility to find out when the book was actually written in order to prove or disprove its contents. The church, the police, Ildeth, and Hannah are all in hot pursuit, as none of them can wait that long. All of this, as you’d expect, ends up in an explosive climax, with the fate of the world at stake.
The Devil’s Jokebook starts out with a bizarre dream sequence that has our main character floating in the void of space, holding onto his brother. That scene was apropos because I felt like this entire script was a dream sequence. I’m not sure how to quantify this problem, but it’s something I see a lot in the amateur ranks, where the writer consistently forgets to give us key information, making the entire story feel floaty and disconnected. It’s the same thing I saw in The Counselor, which I reviewed earlier this week.
The thing is, I still think there’s something here. And I still think Phil has talent. But you can’t be floaty! You have to fill in the gaps and make things clear or else it’s hard for the reader to ever really know what’s going on. For example, I know that Ildeath wants this book, but I’m not sure why she needs it RIGHT NOW. Despite the book’s delivery being presented as “needing to happen immediately,” I was never sure why.
Then there were these moments where Michael would go on his computer and cause these orbs of people’s heads to float around. These appeared to be replays of people’s actions that happened earlier, like a VCR rewinding and playing back an event. But I had no idea how any of that was supposed to look, and how heads in orbs were going to represent rewinded actions. Or the fact that Michael also mixed spells. Was Michael now a witch? I thought he was a relic hunter.
Finally, there was the ending (spoiler alert). After the main storyline is over, we flash back to ten years ago when Michael first met Hannah in a bar (I’m not sure why we’re doing this, since we’ve already been told about this meeting) and then Michael wakes up in a plane with his dad??? Indicating that this whole thing was a dream???? What?????
Sometimes it seems to me like writers don’t really look at their stuff. I mean REALLY read back through it and ask how it’s going to be interpreted by the reader. Because I don’t know how you’d think flashing back to a random scene we’ve already been told about, then waking up in a plane (why a plane??) where we find out the whole thing [may have been] a dream, would make sense in someone’s head. More on this in the “What I learned.”
Here’s where I thought this script made the biggest mis-step though. It’s a cinematic premise that’s not being executed cinematically. The majority of the script (or at least that’s how it seems) takes place in a boring lab room with our main character mixing chemicals to try and test a book. Here’s a concept where you have ancient stolen religious texts and demons and giant rock people of all things! And you’re focusing on a character mixing chemicals for 20 pages at a time?? That can’t happen.
Cinematic premises must be dealt with cinematically. There needs to be a lot more action here, a lot less talking in rooms, a lot more moving around. That means getting rid of the “figure out if this book’s real” plot point. Just make the book a classic McGuffin. Everyone is after it. It switches hands a few times. There can still be something they’re trying to find out (maybe what a specific part of the book, which is in another language, means), but waiting around to test a book is not cinematic enough for this kind of concept.
With all that said, there’s something to The Devil’s Jokebook. If someone could help develop this script, Phil might be able to make it work. I thought Hannah was an interesting character. And I liked Michael too. His wandering moral compass made him a lot more interesting than, say, Brendan Frasier’s character in The Mummy, which is the kind of character I usually see in this kind of script – safe. And these concepts where a lost part of the bible could be exposed are inherently compelling. If we could only tighten the screws and amp up the action here, we’d have something. I hope Phil does figure it out because he’s got some talent.
Script link: The Devil’s Jokebook
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Here’s a tip. Imagine your BFWCYB (best friend who calls your bullshit) reading your script. This is the guy who tells you when you’re being a douchebag or when your jokes are lame. Put yourself in their head as you read back through every scene. Imagine what they’d say to you. “Carson! It was all a dream?? You know that’s the biggest cop out cliché ending you can write, right?” The point here is to try and see your script through somebody’s eyes besides your own. Because your own eyes often lie. This won’t solve all your problems, but it should help you catch a lot of the spots where you’re fuzzy on logic, lazy, or trying to pull one over on the reader.
