Genre: Dramedy
Premise: An old and cranky local politician goes publicly bananas in an effort to draw attention to an important social issue. This inadvertently puts the career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.
Why You Should Read: This is a character driven dramedy with a lot of funny moments mixed in with an important social mission. Our hero knows he is in the last inning of life and is going to go out swinging even at the risk of damaging his own political legacy and ruining his son’s chance of building his own . So, yeah – he’s a a bit of an asshole. But an asshole you will root for.
Writer: David Lambertson (Eldave)
Details: 120 pages
I want to keep it 100 with you guys. As much I love doing what I do, there are times when I get tired of reading. And when I get to Thursday, and I can see the weekend over the horizon, and how I’ll be able to relax and get out of the house and do fun things… when I have that within grasp, I occasionally look at a Friday review as an obstacle standing in the way of my fun.
It occurred to me, while I was thinking about this, that for most low-level industry people working their way up the system, many of whom are required to read screenplays in addition to their numerous other responsibilities, this is how they view screenplays as well. As obstacles to whatever else they’re trying to get done that day.
I bring this up because I want the writer to know what they’re up against. Their script isn’t being read under ideal circumstances. In fact, the majority of the time, it’s the exact opposite. And it’s for this reason that the little things – the things that writers believe are insignificant – can actually become huge deal-breakers.
For example, page count. You may think that 120 pages is fine. But to a reader who sees each page as a minute of their time, they see 120 pages as you wasting 20 minutes of their time (when you consider that most spec comedies should be in the 100-105 page range). Again, in a vacuum, 120 pages isn’t a big deal. But in reality, it can be a huge deal. An agitated reader is just waiting for you to give them an excuse to start skimming.
I’ll give a more relevant example for today’s author, Eldave. Eldave expressed his dislike for Marvel movies earlier this week, finding them nearly impossible to watch. Imagine what your mood would be, then, if you were dragged to a Marvel movie by a friend. I’m guessing it would be something like, ARMS CROSSED, “You’re going to have to prove to me that you’re worthy of my time.” That’s exactly how people are approaching your script.
Which is why you want to present yourself in the best possible light. Because if your presentation is bulletproof and you’ve written a good script, it’s completely possible to win the reader over. Some of the best reads I’ve ever had have occurred when the last thing I wanted to do was read a script. But to achieve this, the little stuff – page count, easy-to-read writing style, formatting, clarity, great first scene – has to be on point.
Okay, with that tough but necessary reminder behind us, let’s get to today’s script!
82 year old Los Angeles County Board member Lowell Bachman has just learned that he may have Alzheimer’s. Or dementia. Actually, Lowell won’t allow his doctor to test him to get a definitive answer on why he’s been sick lately. So he’s just playing the “old person” diagnosis odds.
Meanwhile, Lowell heads to his daily job at the Los Angeles County Office where he listens to local citizens complain about things that nobody cares about or ask for things that nobody’s going to give them. That’s his typical daily routine, anyway. Today, however, Lowell is taken with a Mexican woman who tells the story of her veteran son who recently died homeless on the streets.
Lowell becomes fixated on this notion that our military veterans don’t have an easy way to transition back to normal life. So he proposes a bill to add a barracks in Los Angeles. This way, veterans can recuperate inside a setting they’re familiar with, before being thrust back into society.
Nobody else on the board cares, so they shoot Lowell down. But that only makes Lowell angry. He starts showing up every day in a robe (instead of a suit) and claims a plethora of ailments as the reason for his belligerent behavior (Tourette’s, Alzheimer’s, blindness). Lowell becomes relentless about these barracks, yelling and screaming like… well… the homeless vet who lives down my street on Highland and Melrose. Lowell’s behavior grabs the attention of the local press, and soon Loco Lowell videos are going viral on Youtube.
Meanwhile, Lowell’s son, Jason, the Governor of California, is prepping for the upcoming election. But when the media runs with the “Lowell has gone crazy” narrative, Jason finds his formally sure-thing re-election in question. To make matters worse, Lowell finds out he has a brain tumor, which, in his fucked up logic, grants him permission to act even crazier. Will he get those barracks? Or will his co-workers dispose of him first?
It’s not surprising to me that this script won Amateur Offerings. I’ve read a script of Eldave’s before and I knew he had game. I actually thought, “The rest of the writers are in trouble this week.”
In addition to the fact that the script is an easy breezy read with a clear plotline and a main character who pops off the page, there are little things that clue you in to this being a skilled scribe.
For example, if Lowell is causing all of this chaos unimpeded, it’s not very interesting. What makes it interesting is the choice to add the Governor son. Because the son is running for reelection, Lowell’s crazed actions directly affect him. Characters are always more interesting when their choices have consequences, as consequences mean a more conflicted character.
There are very few amateur screenwriters who know this. So seeing that thread expertly woven into this screenplay was an instant indicator that this wasn’t your typical amateur script.
With that said, I did have problems. And most of them stemmed from the premise.
Our hero’s goal is to build a barracks to help transitioning military veterans. The problem is, the only veteran we know is the one who prompted Lowell to act in the first place, and he happens to be dead.
So the entirety of this pursuit is built around helping people who we never meet. Here’s a man who’s hell-bent on getting these barracks set up, to the point where he’s shouting down fellow board-members, destroying his son’s shot at reelection, and killing his own legacy…
But for who?
Nobody we’ve met.
So why would I care if he succeeds?
I’m sure many of you followed the Thailand Boys Soccer Team cave rescue. Everyone who heard about the situation wanted those boys to be okay. But it was the video where we SAW THOSE KIDS IN THE CAVE that made us emotionally invested in their survival. That’s what made it real. Since we didn’t have that here – any tangible people to help – Lowell’s pursuit felt empty.
In fact, Lowell’s motivation seemed to be more about embarrassing his asshole co-workers than helping people in need. For him, it was all about acting like a kookoo bird and making the evening news. If we had just a single face to represent the people who needed help, it would’ve done wonders.
A better possible setup may have been for a veteran (I’ll call him “Josh”) to come in and highlight the loss of a fellow veteran. Then, Josh could become the representative of the people who would benefit from the barracks.
Even if you added that, though, it doesn’t explain why Lowell cared so much about veterans in the first place. He’s not a veteran himself, is he? So why is he so obsessed with this issue? I never found that answer and because that answer is the core of our main character’s motivation, it was hard for me to invest in what was going on.
I like the idea of an aging politician who stops playing by the rules. Any situation where someone stops playing by the rules is going to have some entertainment value. It’s a fun setup. And I could see that elite group of aging Hollywood stars stabbing each other in the back to get this role. I just think there’s a better story idea out there to get our 80 year old hero to stop playing by the rules. One of those old people Florida communities that take their rules very seriously, for example. Or maybe a country club. I guarantee you either of those would be more salable.
Or, if you wanted to stick with this setup, we need a better connection between Lowell and his cause, as well as a physical representation of who’s going to benefit from Lowell’s goal.
Screenplay Link: The Last Statesman
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Whenever you have a political figure in a key role, make sure an election is coming up soon. Political figures are a thousand times more interesting when they’re trying to secure re-election. If Jason isn’t up for re-election here, there’s no reason to worry about his father’s behavior.
