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Genre (from writer): Action/Adventure
Premise (from writer): Back-stabbed by his employer and marooned in Mexico, a tough, drug-running pilot struggles to fly himself and the family that rescued him back to America alive.
Why You Should Read (from writer): Growing up on the border, there are lots of crazy stories you hear about trafficking (mostly from your friends that are doing it). With this story I wanted to take a lot of that raw material and structure it with an action adventure spin and a solid protagonist while still having some of the authenticity of experience. It was a trickier line to walk than I imagined, but I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback about the script so far so something must be working. I’m excited to see what the SS readership thinks (and if they think I pulled off the balancing act) and I’m pumped to use any and all feedback to keep improving the writing!
Writer: Jeffrey Doka
Details: 109 pages
Renner for Runner?
Today’s script comes from a former reader so I’m not surprised at all that it won Amateur Offerings. When you read a lot of scripts, you get a feel for the rhythm of a screenplay. With writers who don’t read, I often notice their scripts move slower. They don’t know what it’s like to read five scripts in a row where nothing happens for 30 pages, so they make the same mistake themselves.
I’ve also given notes to Jeff on this script, although sadly those notes haven’t been applied yet. If I remember correctly, I thought more could’ve been done on the character front and that the ending was messy. I’m also wondering if The Runner satisfies the “larger than life” rule I talked about yesterday in my concept post. Does this concept feel big enough to be a movie? I’d like to hear your thoughts on that in the comments.
32 year old single-living Rich Davison is a drug runner. He flies Cessnas so packed with weed, the exhaust gets you high. His life seems to be going great until his latest shipment is revealed to be a scam. Inside the weed-bins is cold hard white powder. That may not seem like a bad thing. Drugs are drugs, right? Nosiree. If Rich were to get caught with cocaine instead of weed, he’d be in prison for life.
So Rich lets his employer, Juan Montero, have it, and to Montero’s credit, he apologizes for his “calculated risk.” But Rich is done. He’s ready to go off to a beach somewhere and drink Long Islands all day.
Not so fast, says Montero. You still have one job left before I let you go. Rich begrudgingly accepts, but on his subsequent flight into Mexico, he finds that his plane’s been rigged with a bomb (courtesy of you-guessed-it). He grabs a parachute and leaps out just in time, drifting into Mexican territory, territory it just so happens Montero runs.
A beautiful young woman, Elena Santiago, saves Rich and brings her to her small farming home, where she lives with her father and daughter. As she nurses Rich back to health, he plots his escape via a nearby airfield. But it turns out everybody’s got an angle here. Elena only rescued him so that he could fly her and her family to America, away from the oppressive Montero.
Soon Montero, who’s been searching for his former employee, descends upon the town, where he knows someone is hiding Rich. With both his and Elena’s family’s lives on the line, Rich orchestrates a daring escape amongst Montero’s ruthless gang. But nothing about the escape goes as planned.
Reading this again, I realize that Jeff and I see this film a little differently. I see this as a potential version of the Harrison Ford film, The Witness. A selfish thrill-seeker used to a fast and furious lifestyle is forced to live in a simplistic Mexican farming town while he heels. At first he’s resistant to the lifestyle but as time goes on, he starts to understand and appreciate the people and their way of life.
It works ironically as well. The script is called “The Runner” and yet our “runner” is forced to stay still in this community for the whole movie. He gradually, then, connects with the family, and as soon as he’s healed decides to save both himself and them.
The way the script is now, Elena is basically holding Rich hostage under the agreement that he has to fly her and her family (and friends) out of here. I don’t think that’s the way to go. I think Elena should be happy with her life here. Rich, in the meantime, is all about himself. He’s trying to heal as soon as possible in order to get the hell out.
Meanwhile, Montero (who wouldn’t be associated with this community in the new draft) has been slowly putting together the clues of this crashed plane, getting closer and closer to where Rich is located. When he finally gets to the town, Rich realizes that even if he escapes, Montero will find out Elena housed him, and he’ll kill her family. So for the first time, Rich must think of someone other than himself. He has to orchestrate an escape for all of them, which is way more complicated than the escape he planned (stakes have been raised!).
The script then, becomes more of a character piece. The second act begins with his resistance towards these people and their way of life, and as time goes on, he makes a connection with Elena and her daughter, and starts to understand this world, and even appreciate it. I mean, it’s basically Witness, which was a great film and they haven’t really made anything like it since. So its structure is ripe for the picking.
I stress that angle because my biggest issue with The Runner was I never FELT anything. I wasn’t connected to these characters enough. And I think that’s because the second act is focused more on the escape than it is the conflict between the family and Rich. And remember my article from a couple of weeks ago. That’s where you want to focus your second act. Create a series of unresolved relationships and use the middle act to resolve them.
But yeah, Jeff is a good writer. I would recommend him to others. I don’t think this version of the script is where it needs to be yet, but I’m betting once he integrates both yours and my feedback, it’s going to be really good.
Script link: The Runner
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: You hear me talk about it all the time – way too much in fact. But as long as writers keep making the mistake, I’m going to keep bringing it up. WHEN IN DOUBT, KEEP IT SIMPLE. Writers think they need to make things really complex to be good, but you don’t. Usually, the simplest option is the best. Something I brought up to Jeff in the notes was his ending. The whole movie has been building up towards this plane escape. So what happens when it finally comes? Well, Rich escapes in the plane, goes to America, ends up coming back to save more people, is forced to take Montero back to America instead, and then, once in America, we take off one MORE time before “the end.” That’s three separate flights! It’s way too complicated. You have to structure this ending so that getting to the plane and leaving is it. Once they get up into the sky, that’s the movie. Casablanca doesn’t have Ilsa and Laszlo leave, come back, leave again, land somewhere, and then leave again. Just keep it simple!
