Congrats to Adam and his mysterious co-writer for winning the First 10 Pages Challenge with their script, “Personal Hell” (aka “Girl Who Disturbed The Rat”)!!! He wins a feature consultation from me! Yaaay!! For those of you who weren’t around in January, I set forth a challenge to write 10 pages that were impossible to put down. There were over a thousand entries. My one rule was, “As soon as I’m bored, I’m out.” The eleven finalists were announced last Thursday. And you, the readers of the site, voted for the winner. It was a close race but Rat took home the top prize. Adam e-mailed to let me know he and his writing partner are going to put this script together over the next few months. He pitched it as, “American Beauty meets Evil Dead.” Is there a better crossover pitch in history? He even sent me a synopsis.
Gary Klein is on the cusp of absolutely nothing. As an Assistant Manager of California’s 12th largest used car dealership, he has resigned himself to a life of complete and utter normalcy. He and his wife, Beth, were high school sweethearts and have been married for 20 years. She’s the only person that he’s ever slept with and Gary and Beth’s marriage now sits on a foundation of resentment and mistrust as result of an affair that Beth had last year. The two are in therapy and Gary remains committed to the relationship, despite his increasing obsession with the fact that she has now, “been with two and I’ve only been with one. It doesn’t seem fair!” In an effort to quell the issue, Beth offers Gary a ‘hall pass’: he is free to sleep with another woman, if he can seal the deal. Amazingly, Gary is able to seal the deal with a sexy and mysterious woman who picks him up at a bar, but she turns out to be a soul sucking Succubus straight from hell! Gary barely escapes with his life and only half of his soul. Now, he and his horror fanatic son, Zack, must quite literally descend into the depths of hell to reclaim the rest of Gary’s soul and, just maybe, a little bit of his pride.
You can read the first ten pages yourself here. In the meantime, I’m going to explain why these pages won me over and why I believe you voted them the number one entry. Let’s get started.
First lines are important. They not only begin your story, but they’re a major clue as to whether the writer can write or not. If the line is sloppy, it’s a bad sign. If it’s overwritten, it’s a bad sign. If it has grammar errors, it’s a really bad sign. A good first line is confident, but not overtly so.
A rat scuttles across a telephone line, its greasy fur gleaming in rain-streaked moonlight.
I like the verb “scuttles.” It’s a small thing. But it’s more descriptive than “runs.” However, the prize word in this sentence is “greasy.” Saying “rat” conjures up a generic image. And generic images are death in writing. Film is a visual medium so the challenge is to create the image the viewer will see onscreen. You can do that by choosing words that bring images to life. A “greasy rat” is so much more visual than a “rat.” This might sound like over-analysis, but I knew after this line I was in good hands.
…the rat stops and cocks its head. It’s almost cute… but no, no, it’s gross.
This is another good sign. The writer is having fun. He’s not trying to ace a grammar test. It’s “almost cute,” but “no, no, it’s gross.” With so many scripts, I can feel the consternation in the writing, like the writer’s terrified that if even one word isn’t perfect, he’ll be laughed out of screenwriting. This writer is relaxed and cool, and that makes me feel cool.
With a bone-shattering CRUNCH, the body of a beautiful WOMAN smashes through the windshield of a beige Mitsubishi Mirage, on sale for just $5,499.
This is the moment I knew I’d be reading all ten pages. A lesser writer would’ve started this scene on the woman. By starting on the rat, then having the woman explode out of nowhere, it displays a sense of surprise that indicates a creative mind. And the level of detail at the end of the line is genius. She doesn’t just fall into a “used car.” She smashes through the windshield of “a beige Mitsubishi Mirage, on sale for just $5,499.”
Bloodied and broken, this woman is in far worse shape than the car, which just depreciated rapidly.
Again, look at how much fun the writer is having. And not in that annoying “LOOK AT ME” way that lots of amateur writers resort to. What is “look at me” writing? Something like: “She just crashed into the kind of car you lost your virginity in at your senior prom.” The humor in this line is just bold enough to grab our attention, but no so bold that it kills the suspension of disbelief.
The woman sits up with a motion akin to a marionette at the start of the world’s most horrific puppet show. She brings the squirming rat to her face, their noses inches apart.
Wait a minute. The woman is still alive?? Okay now I just went from interested to involved. — As we move into page 2, with the woman getting hit by a truck, you begin to see why this script won the challenge. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING. But not just “anything” something. Something rare. A lot of you sent me scripts where things were happening, but they were common scenarios. Like robbing a bank or a car chase. Note how something is happening here, but it’s also unique. Who is this woman? Why is she falling into cars and getting hit by trucks and is still alive? Those kinds of questions are what’s keeping me reading.
This is why I’m not putting the script down. There’s a sophistication to the writing that nobody else brought to the table. Look at the unique way the writer chose to reveal something as simple as a finger scratching. Note the breezy confidence within the sentence structure itself. You read this sequence and you feel like you’re reading a writer who has command. Contrast that with the below clip from another entry. There’s nothing wrong with the clip. But note how stiff the presentation is compared to Personal Hell.
Moving on…
GARY KLEIN sits nude, in all his forty-five year old glory, on the edge of the formica counter top in his ‘master’ bathroom.
Look at how great this character introduction is. The character intros I usually read go something like this: “Gary (40s) looks much older than his age.” How much more awesome is meeting Gary nude, “in all his forty-five year old glory.” And doing so amongst such a specific visual image. Again, guys. Note the SPECIFICITY in the writing. He’s not sitting at a sink. He’s sitting “on the edge of the formica counter top in his ‘master’ bathroom.” That kind of writing is what creates an image in the reader’s head.
GARY: “Have you seen my dropper thing?”
A seemingly innocuous line of dialogue. But this line says everything about the level of talent on display here. Most writers would write this line literally. Instead we get this fun, but more importantly, REALISTIC, line of dialogue: “Have you seen my dropper thing?” That’s how people really speak, which adds to the authenticity of the script. — And that fun dialogue continues as he and his spaced out wife chat. Why wouldn’t I want to keep reading this script? I’m having a blast.
The introduction of Gary’s son Zach is fun. But it wasn’t that that I was impressed with. I love how the end of this scene pays off Gary’s earlier intro. He’s looking for his “dropper thing” and it turns out his weird son is using it for his weird experiment. Setups and payoffs display a level of planning that indicate the writer has actually thought through their script. This may seem like a small thing but half the screenplays I read, I can tell the writer is figuring things out as they go along.
He’s immediately broken from his trance and quickly turns the station to some alt. country bullshit.
I mean, come on. If I stop reading, I’m going to miss out on more lines like this. No chance. I have to keep going. Next up we have an exchange with a cop after Gary was rear-ended. I love how Gary was the one who was rear-ended but he’s still getting a ticket (for expired insurance).
This is a classic scene reversal at the end, a tool all of you should have in your toolbox. The scene is going in one direction: Wow, you’re that famous guy. It ends in the opposite direction. “I hate that commercial.”
And the pages end with another payoff. Gary shows up at his place of work, which happens to be Ground Zero for what happened in our opening scene. At the risk of repeating myself, this displays a writer with a plan. When you combine that with a unique opening scenario, writing sophistication, and a sense of humor, you get a script which conveys that elusive “voice” that Hollywood agents and producers are clamoring for. Did I have any issues with the pages? Not really. Maybe we could’ve given Zack a more interesting introduction. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense that he’s looking at himself in the mirror first thing in the morning practicing his pretend cutting. But it did give me a nice feel for the character. Adam was spectacular in that department. I got a good feel for everybody.
The question now becomes, can Adam and his writing partner turn this into a killer feature screenplay? I will keep you updated on that. He says he needs a few months to write the script. After I consult on it, I’ll ask him if I can review it on the site.
Congrats to Adam and his co-writer!
What did you guys think??
