Okay, so last week I put out an open call: anyone could query me and pitch their screenplay. The best query would win, and I’d review their script on the site.
But the script review wasn’t really the point. The point was the query itself. Learning how to reach out to agents, managers, producers, anyone, is an essential skill that’s rarely talked about. It’s discussed so infrequently that I thought I’d dedicate an entire week to it.
I’ll be reviewing the winning script tomorrow. But today, we’re going to talk about the winning query.
This turned out to be harder than I anticipated. When it comes to querying, 90% of the query is the logline itself. Often, that’s what the recipient will be jumping to. Because even if they like you or like your personality through your writing, that doesn’t matter if they don’t think the script itself works for them.
But, at the same time, if I only went off the loglines in these queries, then it’d be a logline contest. So I had to pass over some of the better loglines in order to focus on the point of this exercise: the query itself.
With that said, there were a couple of really good queries with really poor loglines. And since part of the deal here is that I review the winning query, I wasn’t about to reward a query with a weak concept/logline.
Exhale Carson!
Needless to say, I’m happy to report that I located the best of the bunch.
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In third place is Patrick McNulty!
Subject Line: QUERY – A DARK BREED
Dear Carson Reeves,
I’m reaching out with a contained horror feature, A DARK BREED (90 pages).
Logline:
After a blizzard traps a family in a remote mountain cabin, they rescue a caged pregnant woman being held on the property—only to discover she’s not the prey, she’s the predator. And she’s not alone.
A DARK BREED is a single-location survival horror built around clear rules, contained scope, and escalating siege tension. It’s written with practical production in mind while delivering strong suspense and trailer-driven set pieces.
I’d be happy to send the script at your request.
Thank you for your consideration,
Patrick McNulty
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In second place is David Lamberston!
Subject Line: QUERY – WHEN AN EMOTIONALLY WRECKED STAR TREK NERD DECIDES HE MUST BECOME MR. SPOCK
Hi, Carson:
Title: IN SEARCH OF VULCAN
Logline: After a socially awkward science teacher and lifelong Star Trek collector is left at the altar and robbed in a memorabilia scam, a near-fatal electrocution leaves him convinced he’s Mr. Spock — forcing his recently retired military brother to take him on a road trip to Vulcan, Canada to recover a stolen Bitcoin fortune and convince him he’s human again.
Comps: Rain Man – meets – Lars and The Real Girl
Why I am sending this request to you
I believe IN SEARCH OF VULCAN fits the lane of commercial, character-driven high-concept comedies that balance big set-pieces with real heart — and your track record in that space makes you an ideal match.
May I send IN SEARCH OF VULCAN to you for your review?
Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Sincerely,
David Lambertson
dlambertson@hotmail.com
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And in first place, our winner is…. CALEB HERMANN!
Subject Line: Horror Feature Query
Hi Carson,
My name is Caleb Hermann, and I’m a screenwriter based in Kansas City, MO. Through a writing program over the past year, I wrote and polished a horror feature under the mentorship of a literary manager from Navigation Media Group.
I’m currently seeking representation, and I’ve seen that some of your clients are in the genre space!
Title: Godforsaken
Logline: When a young preacher’s wagon train to Oregon becomes trapped in a frozen valley, he must confront his waning faith and ally with a Native guide to protect the survivors from starvation and a monstrous Wendigo that hunts them.
Comps:
The Witch
The Ritual (Netflix)
The Revenant
I would love to send you my script if it is of interest!
Best Regards,
Caleb
Okay, so let’s break our winning query down because, if I’m being honest, it’s not perfect. But it’s strong where it matters most.
What I like about Caleb’s entry is that it’s simple and to the point. I want all of you to internalize that. Cause that’s the key to writing a strong query. I’d say about a third of you stashed too much text inside your queries. People in this business don’t have time to read all of that.
Caleb gets right to the point. He says hello. He tells us just a teensy bit about himself (where he’s from). He gives us a very succinct backstory about the script (writing it with a literary manager). He then gives us THE MOTIVATION for his query (he’s seeking representation).
Now, if I’m being fair, I wouldn’t include the mentorship stuff. You never want to give out too much information, especially information that might hurt you. I have no idea who Navigation Media Group is. So that hurts the writer. Cause it indicates they’re working with “nobodies.”
I can’t emphasize this enough. Every extra word you write is more information that the recipient can use to dismiss you. In that sense, a query is similar to a screenplay. You only want to write as much as you have to and not a word more.
With that said, I had a handful of writers who queried me with just the logline alone and that’s not enough. You still have to provide context and include basic professional etiquette.
Luckily, Caleb’s logline is strong. It’s a unique movie scenario. It’s a marketable idea. And, in the end, that’s the name of the name. If you’ve got a good screenplay idea, you just don’t want to get in your own way when querying people about it. So many of you got in your own way. You wrote and wrote and wrote about stuff that just wasn’t relevant.
Now, Caleb also gives us comps after the logline. You don’t have to do this. But what I like about his strategy is that the comps take up no space at all. I can read all three of them in under a second. Some of you went on these long paragraphs describing other movies that inspired your script. This is better.
And then he says exactly the right sentence to end the query. If you’re interested, I’d love to send the script to you.
It’s such a clean, to-the-point query and that’s why it won.
If you want to clean up your own query, I do query consultations for 60 bucks. That includes three follow-up e-mails where we make adjustments to your query until it’s perfect. E-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com if you’re interested. Or, if you need a consultation on your entire screenplay, we can do that too.
As for this week, what we’re going to do is: Tomorrow I’m reviewing Caleb’s script. Wednesday I’m writing an article on crafting the perfect e-mail query. And then Thursday, I’m going to include some of the queries that didn’t make the cut and explain why, as well as what the writers could’ve done to improve them.
In the meantime, here’s a link to Caleb’s script so you guys can all read it and participate in tomorrow’s discussion!
