Today, we’re going to do something different. With loglines being such a hot topic on the site, I thought I’d take you through a recent logline consultation of mine so you can see the thought process I go through when I develop a logline. This logline comes from a frequent contributor to the site, David Laurie, who came to me with his logline for, “She’s Got Claws.”
To give you some context, I have two logline consult options. The first is a basic option ($25) where I give you a single e-mail analysis of your logline, a 1-10 rating, as well as a logline rewrite. These are great if you haven’t written the script yet and you just want to know if you’ve got a good movie/show idea.
David ordered the deluxe option ($50) which is mainly for writers who have already written their script and need the best logline possible for querying purposes. The deluxe option gets you as many e-mails as it takes until we get your logline right.
I’m including David’s consult because most of my clients get what they want after 4 or 5 e-mails. But David doesn’t mess around. He gets into the nitty-gritty. And, you know what? I’m glad. Because if we have to push it to the absolute limit to get a good logline, I’m willing to do it.
If you want a deluxe logline consultation, I’ll give you a $10 discount if you mention this post. E-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com. Okay, settle in and buckle up. Let’s get to the consult!
**********
Original e-mail from David Laurie
I am struggling with She’s Got Claws’ logline.
Although the script is pretty damn tight IMO.
It’s a monster movie. Basically a werewolf movie but my spin delves wayyyy back into legend. The Nephilim are an enhanced superhuman/ubermensch race mentioned in the Bible. Some translations have them as part animal.
So in my prologue, DNA extracted from a young girl in wartorn Afghanistan, is used for a serum that brings out the animal closest to your true self via a werewolfy transformation.
In the case of meek, buttoned-up, no-make-up-no-hair-products war widow HOLLY, who’s been put-upon all her life, this creature is a powerful, majestic and extremely savage LIONESS.
She wakes on a snowy roof in a rundown Alaskan town, naked and bloody, with no memory of what happened. Surrounded by soldiers hunting a wild animal that escaped and has killed several men overnight.
Holly must evade the soldiers, seek clothes, refuge and help. She soon realises the animal they are hunting is her. And the General in charge of the hunt is her father. And the rundown town is an abandoned army facility, now a blacksite. Rumours of locals going missing have been piling up.
Holly has never changed before. It is new. She knows the answers lie in the blacksite. Obvs. She would prefer to run away but the Alaskan Spring Thaw has blocked all the roads out of town. And she can’t get over the idea that her own family is involved.
So it’s an empowerment story of a woman facing up to her family, who despite being human, are the real monsters (maaan).
There’s a budding romance in there amid lashings of dark humour and super gory violence.
Tonally I am going for An American Werewolf in London eats Memento
It is pretty funny but it’s NOT a comedy. It reads as a tense, urgent, psychological thriller. As per usual for me. Lots of running around, bullets and biting heads off. The dark gallows humour matches the life-or-death situations.
What is less usual for me is the plot is pretty simple. Woman is hunted. Escapes. But turns tables and seeks out the hunter. Doesn’t like what she finds. Gets mad. Gets even. Pulls a lot of heads off. Learns to live with it.
I started a little debate yesterday on the topic of WHAT IS SCARY?
with a side of Is SHE’S GOT CLAWS a HORROR movie?
I was knocked by your #1 rule of Horror. Three scary scenes. I wondered: are the set pieces scary enough?
I have since pumped them up.
But does that make it A Horror Movie? It’s a tense, violent jump-scare-tastic monster movie with a dark emotional undercurrent, so, after a crisis of faith, I have decided yes, of course it’s fucking Horror.
But my logline is not cutting it
So. I am currently at
On a desolate Alaskan military base, a timid war widow transforms into a savage lioness. Waking up as her old self, she must uncover who did this to her and why (and if it can be reversed) before it happens again.
previously….
A timid young war widow, who awakens naked on a snowy roof at dawn with soldiers shooting at her, has to figure out who she is and what the hell happened to her last night. Fast.
All help gratefully received
David
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Title: She’s Got Claws
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: A timid young war widow, who awakens naked on a snowy roof at dawn with soldiers shooting at her, has to figure out who she is and what the hell happened to her last night. Fast.
Analysis: Okay, you know with me, I’m always trying to simplify your ideas. You tend to go very in-depth, which is good in theory, but I think you would benefit from simplifying things down. Of your two loglines, the second one is better, as it creates a more urgent dramatic situation. But I would love to get the father connection in there. As soon as I read that, it made the scenario sound a lot more interesting. I don’t love the adjective “war widow.” Does that mean her soldier husband died? Or does it mean she’s also a soldier herself? It’s more interesting if she was a soldier herself. Either way, I would like to start the logline off, and the protag description off, a lot cleaner. Which leaves something like this…
New Logline: A were-lion, who awakens naked on a remote military black site, learns that she slaughtered five people the previous night and she’s being hunted by her bloodthirsty military commander father.
**********
From: David Laurie
Hey
thanks for this
War widow = husband died in Afghanistan. I’m not crazy about the term either.
Here’s how the story rolls out.
It’s a mystery and Holly peels back the layers to find the simple ugly truth.
So the logline KINDA has to hold a lot back, which is why I based it around the set up.
The REVEALS shift Holly’s understanding of what went down, of her father/family but mostly of HERSELF.
She’s not a soldier. She’s not much of anything. No kids. No job. Which is her realisation.
When her father, the General, shows up with Marines, she assumes he’s to blame for her transformation
Reveal #1 her husband PETER was not dead at all – but he is now – as of last night
Reveal #2 her soldier sister, IVY, is not in the Middle East, She’s been working on weaponizing the Afghan changeling DNA with Peter. Living on the black site – not one mile from Holly – for 2 years
reveal #3 The General had sponsored the program but Peter and ivy have gone wayyy off the reservation so he showed up to shut them down
reveal #4 last night Ivy kidnapped Holly and tortured her to force Peter to kill the General. Peter took the changeling DNA, went on the rampage and HE killed all the men in the night
reveal #5 Holly injected herself with the Changeling DNA to go after Peter and stop him killing her father.
reveal #6 Holly killer her own husband and no-one else
At least, until she woke up and the soldiers came after her
So, on awakening, the truth was: she had only killed one person and for a good/justifiable reason
Title: She’s Got Claws
Genre: Horror/Thriller
cool
Logline: A timid young war widow, who awakens naked on a snowy roof at dawn with soldiers shooting at her, has to figure out who she is and what the hell happened to her last night. Fast.
Analysis: Okay, you know with me, I’m always trying to simplify your ideas.
yep
You tend to go very in-depth, which is good in theory, but I think you would benefit from simplifying things down.
deffo for the logline
I feeeeeel like it’s a simple story.
But it’s a false narrative
It starts on a number of wrong assumptions and clarifies/builds to a final reveal
Of your two loglines, the second one is better, as it creates a more urgent dramatic situation.
yep
But I would love to get the father conneciton in there.
yep
As soon as I read that, it made the scenario sound a lot more interesting.
yep
that’s the thing
Holly is boring
Her military family is all horrible, one way or another – she is the, um, white sheep of the family.
and the story is her drilling down into her fuckedup family
I don’t love the adjective “war widow.”
same
Does that mean her soldier husband died?
yep
Or does it mean she’s also a soldier herself? It’s more interesting if she was a soldier herself.
I disagree
i think it’s more fun pitting the dowdy, dull civilian up against cops, Marines and mercenaries
only she has a secret advantage, being a “werewolf”
which she is not thrilled about
Either way, I would like to start the logline off, and the protag description off, a lot cleaner. Which leaves something like this…
New Logline:
A were-lion, who awakens
DO YOU THINK HUMAN AGAIN IS IMPLIED?
I WRESTLED WITH THIS
naked on a remote
GONNA SWITCH remote FOR ALASKAN
military black site, learns that she slaughtered five people the previous night
SHE THINKS THIS IS THE CASE
BUT IT WILL TURN OUT NOT TO BE
BUT THINKING IT MAKES IT A BIT EASIER WHEN SHE KILLS TEN MORE
and she’s being hunted by her bloodthirsty
HE’S MORE TERRIFYING EMOTIONLESS HARDASS THAN BLOODTHIRSTY
military commander father.
SO maybe
A were-lion, who awakens naked on an Alaskan black site, learns that she’s being hunted by her brutal military commander father, in connection with a string of corpses discovered last night.
BUT
for me that feels like Holly has the upper hand, being a werewolf. So that’s not good
This is why I wanted to start with the meek/timid/dowdy shizzle
A timid woman, who awakens naked on an Alaskan black site, learns that she’s being hunted by her brutal military commander father, after fifteen men were slaughtered last night.
so does that imply werelion?
I get the clean THIS IS A WEREWOLF WE ARE TALKING ABOUT opening
but the reality is in pitching this story to any exec, there’s no way it’s not preceded by THIS IS MY SPIN ON A WEREWOLF STORY
also the anatag gets 4 words
and the protag only 2
A timid widow, who awakens naked on an Alaskan black site, finds she’s being hunted by her brutal military commander father, after fifteen men were slaughtered last night.
THOUGHTS?
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Well, it comes down to: Do you want to tell the reader what the movie is about? Or do you KIND OF want to tell them what it’s about, but build the logline more around mystery? My experience is that it’s better to tell them what the movie is about.
**********
From: David Laurie
hi
Well, it comes down to: Do you want to tell the reader what the movie is about? Or do you KIND OF want to tell them what it’s about, but build the logline more around mystery?
that, as you can imagine, is 100% my instinct
the story is a mystery
but I feel there is plenty of (literal) meat on the bones at the outset
My experience is that it’s better to tell them what the movie is about.
I know, I know and I suspect you are right. It will open the logline up to more people getting it
what about?
A timid young widow awakens naked on an Alaskan black site to find she’s being hunted by her military commander father, who thinks she’s the creature who slaughtered fifteen men last night.
From: David Laurie
for me that last one builds nicely
but the implied question is
is she that creature
and
the answer, right off, is yeah, she probably is
and with a little thought, you get to she’ll probably be OK if she’s some kind of monster
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Everything and the kitchen sink version:
The reserved widow of a recently deceased soldier awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site where she is being hunted by her relentless officer father, who believes she’s responsible for the slaughter of fifteen men last night.
Edible version:
A startled woman awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site where she quickly learns she is being hunted by her high-ranking general father, who believes she’s responsible for the slaughter of fifteen soldiers last night.
**********
From: David Laurie
The reserved widow of a recently deceased soldier awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site where she is being hunted by her relentless officer father, who believes she’s responsible for the slaughter of fifteen men last night.
yep
Edible version:
as in high? (ho ho)
A startled
!
woman awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site where she quickly learns she is being hunted by her high-ranking general father, who believes she’s responsible for the slaughter of fifteen soldiers last night.
another problem is that the phrase ‘General father’ sounds weird so
A timid young widow awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site where she quickly learns she is being hunted by her high-ranking father, who believes she’s responsible for the slaughter of fifteen soldiers last night.
I think it’s either
A timid young widow awakens naked on a remote Alaskan black site, to find she’s being hunted by her high-ranking father, after fifteen soldiers were slaughtered last night
OR
A timid young widow awakens naked on a remote Alaskan black site, to find she’s being hunted by her high-ranking father, who thinks she’s the creature who slaughtered fifteen soldiers last night.
**********
Carson Reeves
I’m having issues with the word “timid” as it’s an adjective that sounds very small for a story with such high stakes (and high body count). ‘Timid’ is an adjective you would use in a comedy. That’s why I’m trying to change it.
I’m a little worried that with “Alaskan black site,” people aren’t going to know what you mean. That’s why I put “military” in there.
Thoughts?
**********
David Laurie
Deffo onboard with military
I put it back in too
And took out remote
Cos Alaska
Timid is accurate
And I hope IRONIC
A female sergeant wakes up and is accused of 15 murders…
Is not as cool as
The last person you’d ever suspect wakes up…
A timid young widow awakens naked on a remote Alaskan military black site, to find she’s being hunted by her high-ranking father, after fifteen soldiers were slaughtered last night
From: David Laurie
Also
You classed it as
Horror / Thriller
Which I think is accurate.
But I worry that, for a werewolf, it is a step too far away from Horror as a main genre.
I guess that is the bed I wrote for myself.
Btw, there’s no silver bullets etc
Instead it’s science based, DNA, CRISPR technology
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Okay, if you’re standing firm on “timid,” I will concede. :)
We need a better way to describe the father. “high ranking” doesn’t work. Can you give me his exact military title and his job outside of this movie? The wording of “After fifteen soldiers were slaughtered last night” feels a little too casual.
A timid young widow awakens naked on a remote Alaskan military black site to find that she’s being hunted by her high-ranking officer father after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
**********
From: David Laurie
Okay, if you’re standing firm on “timid,” I will concede. :)
Yay
We need a better way to describe the father. “high ranking” does’t work. Can you give me his exact military title and his job outside of this movie?
He’s a general
Based at the pentagon and charged with weapons development
The changeling DNA is being developed as a biotech weapon, supersoldiers type thing
Ivy, her sister was running the project but has gone nuts and is churning through “volunteers” and burning the bodies
The wording of “After fifteen soldiers were slaughtered last night” feels a little too casual.
Ok
The number needs to feel “significant”
A timid young widow awakens naked on a remote Alaskan military black site to find that she’s being hunted by her high-ranking officer father after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
See
I like that
But I can hear the message board pedants saying that the last bit is not directly linked to the first
Even tho, to my ears, it is
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Maybe we need to move some things around to make it sound smoother…
After waking up naked and confused on a secluded Alaskan military site, a reticent young widow discovers she’s the prey of her high-ranking officer father, who’s pursuing her following the slaughter of fifteen soldiers by a mysterious creature.
***********
From: David Laurie
hmmmm
I thinnnnk that’s a bit unwieldy, maybe a clause too many
I trimmed the one below to
A timid young widow awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site to find she’s being hunted by her father, a DC General, after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
I think the a Pentagon General or a DC General is less bumpy and more organic
plus it has:
ironic underdog protag
overmatching antag
violent monster mystery
hunted which implies a call to action
From: David Laurie
his flows a little better
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find she’s being hunted by her father, a DC General, following the slaughter of fifteen soldiers by a mysterious creature.
**********
From: Carson Reeves
We’re getting close. What I’m trying to do is link the first section with the “mysterious creature” so it doesn’t sound like it’s coming out of nowhere. If she’s just naked, does that tell us enough? That’s why I was going with, “naked and confused,” to imply that something has just happened to her and she’s scared and doesn’t know what it is. But I don’t like having two words there since it makes it longer.
The only other thing that bothers me is the dad’s occupation. It’s the clunkiest part. I wish we had the perfect descriptor there.
A timid young widow awakens naked on an Alaskan military black site to find she’s being hunted by her father, a decorated army general, after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
From: Carson Reeves
Okay, let’s give it a day. I find that it’s easier to find the path when you’ve had some time away from the logline. But we’re definitely closer.
**********
From: David Laurie
OK agreed
I’ll let it sit
did you see the one i sent a minute ago
it flows better
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find she’s being hunted by her father, a DC General, following the slaughter of fifteen soldiers by a mysterious creature.
**********
From: Carson Reeves
I think it’s a little better.
**********
From: David Laurie
re your points below
A timid young widow awakens naked and confused on a military black site in Alaska to find herself being hunted by her father, a DC General, after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
I like find herself for the same reason I like awakens
i think confused is implied.
who’s NOT confused by waking up naked in snow on a secret base?
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a DC General, after fifteen of his soldiers were slaughtered by a mysterious creature.
i like
awakens naked
after fifteen
and I especially like
fifteen of his soldiers
cos it seems like he cares more about his job than her
which he does
From: David Laurie
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a DC General, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a mysterious creature.
torn apart is more ANIMAL
From: David Laurie
military
DC General
soldiers
seems like overkill
I’d be inclined to use MEN instead of soldiers but that is a bit sexist
so if we keep soldiers, we can lose military
**********
From: Carson Reeves
I think I like “slaughtered” more than “torn apart.” It sounds more visceral and violent. But if you love “torn apart,” it’s fine. I don’t like “DC General.” Every time I read it, I wonder exactly what it means. Like Washington DC? Then why is he in Alaska? I’m sure it makes sense but you can’t take chances in these loglines. Everything has to be as clean as a surgery room.
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a mysterious creature.
**********
From: David Laurie
I think I like “slaughtered” more than “torn apart.” It sounds more visceral and violent.
Her killings are very visceral
She tears soldiers heads off more than once
I soldiers being slaughtered could be achieved with an AR-15
Torn apart sounds more claws and teeth to me
But if you love “torn apart,” it’s fine. I don’t like “DC General.” Every time I read it, I wonder exactly what it means. Like Washington DC? Then why is he in Alaska? I’m sure it makes sense
I agree
I also am not keen on the commas around it, fucking up the flow
but you can’t take chances in these loglines. Everything has to be as clean as a surgery room.
I hear you
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a mysterious creature.
I like this.
It’s accurate and it hits the tone.
it’s 35 words which is on the edge of acceptable; but I think it has maybe 3 too many polysyllabic words
which fu**s the flow a bit
the closer it is to a haiku the better, right?
I also don’t really like mysterious in loglines
like: this is the time to tell us the mystery
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after his men were torn apart by an unseen creature.
thoughts
From: David Laurie
Good morning/evening btw
On an Alaskan black site, a timid young widow awakens naked and finds she’s being hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after his men were torn apart by an unseen creature.
**********
From: Carson Reeves
I definitely don’t like the re-shaped version of the logline. Let’s stick with what we’ve got. I think the below is very good. Only quibble, like you, is “mysterious.” I think it works but could probably be better. “Unseen” is too weak a word for this scenario.
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a mysterious creature.
maybe…
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a nightmarish creature.
**********
From: David Laurie
I definitely don’t like the re-shaping version of the logline. Let’s stick with what we’ve got.
ok
think you missed one of my emails just now.
this loses a bunch of syllables but stays true
I think ‘she’s being hunted’ is punchier/more active
I quite like unseen, and in the story, the general has not seen what his daughter becomes.
Anyone who sees her, dies
(until she makes friends with a cop, whom she spares yadda yadda romance budding)
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find she’s being hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after his men were torn apart by an unseen creature.
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find she’s being hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after his men were ripped apart by an unseen creature.
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after his men were torn apart by a ferocious creature.
**********
From: Carson Reeves
I would put “fifteen” back in there. And I would put “soldiers” back in there. Both give the situation more weight. So…
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a ferocious creature.
**********
From: David Laurie
do you not think finds she’s being hunted is better than finds herself hunted
*********
From: Carson Reeves
how would “finds herself hunted” look in actual practice?
**********
From: David Laurie
fair warning, I am a bit of a grammar Nazi. My mum was an English teacher
so
I thinnnnnk
finds she’s being hunted means the hunt is under way, which it is
and
finds herself hunted is flappy enough to mean the hunt might start later in the story
*********
From: Carson Reeves
Yeah, but you also have to take into consideration how it reads and sounds within the context of the logline. It sounds better, in my opinion. And when I hear “finds herself hunted,” I think the hunt is happening right now.
*********
From: David Laurie
OK
might be just me being fussy
I concede it flows better
So
A timid young widow awakens naked on a black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his soldiers were torn apart by a ferocious creature
it’s definitely one of those, this is the set up not the story loglines but the setup IS the story and the whole movie is a hunt, one way or another
I think saying his men, rather than soldiers, implies a sort of paternal concern for the chewed-up guys, which is relevant
annnnnd it shortens/smoothens the last clause
but
it takes the original three army terms down to one
so
maybe
A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his men were torn apart by a ferocious creature.
I am into this version. You?
**********
From: Carson Reeves
Yeah, I liked the way you phrased “men” in this last one. It works for me. I think we’ve got it. :)
**********
From: David Laurie
yeah
I agree
thanks man
pleasure doing business
*****END OF EXCHANGE*****
And there you have it! Here are the old and new loglines!
Old: A timid young war widow, who awakens naked on a snowy roof at dawn with soldiers shooting at her, has to figure out who she is and what the hell happened to her last night. Fast.
New: A timid young widow awakens naked on a military black site in Alaska to find herself hunted by her father, a ruthless general, after fifteen of his men were torn apart by a ferocious creature.
