It is Week 3 of the First 10 Pages Challenge! For those of you who don’t know what that is, the First 10 Pages Challenge is something I set up at the beginning of the year that asks you to write something unputdownable. You have until February 10th to enter your pages, which you can do at carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Every Thursday, I’ve been posting five entries and explaining why I stopped where I did. You can read last week’s entries here and the first week’s entries here. Today we’ve got five more.
Some of you have expressed surprise at how quickly I’ve given up on some of these entries. You went so far as to say, “I would’ve kept reading.” You know what my response to that is? Unless you contacted me or the writer and asked us for the rest of the script, you wouldn’t have kept reading. We’re not trying to write pages that someone keeps reading because they’re conveniently still in front of them. We’re trying to write pages that if you got to page 3 and the rest of the file was corrupt, you would immediately e-mail the writer and get them to send you the rest of the script because YOU NEEDED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
You might think this is extreme. That I’m asking the impossible. But seriously, do you think Hollywood is some cocoon of good vibes wrapped in hugs and encouragement? Where each screenplay is read with rapt attention and responded to with the promise of a future job if you just “keep trying hard?” This is one of the most competitive industries IN THE WORLD. Nobody cares about you. In fact, because writers are faceless, people in this business have no issues actively hating you. You are someone who can chew up 2 hours of their day with wandering drivel when they’ve got 10,000 more important things to do. Do you think, under those circumstances, that someone’s going to give your script their full attention because you’re trying hard? Because you have a pretty good first scene with a decent main character and wait til they get to page 45 because that’s when your screenplay really picks up? Be real.
You need to TEAR THESE PEOPLE OUT of their existence with your pages. You need to make them forget about all that other s*&% they’ve got to get done that day. A good writer with a great opening 10 pages can achieve that. But if you’re going to play this b.s. idealistic card where people give you the benefit of the doubt regardless of how you start your screenplay, think again. You need to hook the reader. That’s what this exercise is about.
Now let’s get to today’s entries.
This is one of the more interesting entries we’ve had on First Ten Pages Thursday because the writer’s doing a lot right. We have a couple of paragraphs setting up the scene. They’re not great but they end with an intriguing detail – that this is a federal penitentiary ferry. The reason this is important is because I’ve seen tons of scripts start inside federal penitentiary BUSES. But I’ve never heard of a federal penitentiary ferry before. Already we’re starting off with something unique, which is a good sign.
The writer doesn’t waste any time setting up an intriguing potential problem – that there’s another boat trailing them. This is a critical component to the scene because the writer has opened a line of suspense. We will now stick around at least until we find out what that other boat is about.
However, this is where the first slip occurs. The interplay between the characters is too basic. “Hey, why don’t you tell me how it feels to be screwed for life.” “Maybe you should ask your wife.” I’m not even sure that comeback makes sense. Just lost a little confidence in the script. Then, when the bad guys in the other boat do show up, the attack is really straight-forward. A guy gets shot, Jimbo tries to speed away. I literally went from Level 9 Interest to Level 3. And this was when the real life nature of this First 10 Pages Experiment reared its head. I didn’t even realize it but I had switched over to my browser to check my e-mail. I stopped not because I was thinking, “Should I or shouldn’t I keep reading?” My mind literally wandered to the point where I didn’t even realize that I had left the script.
Let me repeat: The goal of this exercise is to keep the reader’s interest for ten pages. If the reader is checking their e-mail, you’ve lost. And here, as harsh as it sounds, it was simply one predictable page that did the script in. The excitement of the opening was undermined by too basic of a reveal. Don’t take any lines off, guys.
This is a common reason why most readers give up on scripts. It’s not even a question of “Am I captivated or bored?” It’s that the events happening on the page don’t even make sense. There’s a line between mysterious and nonsensical and a lot of new writers don’t know where that line is.
A bunch of faceless phone alarms go off? Is that an intriguing opening story question? I’m not sure it is. Are these morning wake-up alarms? I’m assuming it’s morning but the sluglines say “DAY” and there’s no mention of morning anywhere. I’m going to make an educational guess and go with morning. But that begs a new question. Why is a 17 year old on his bike in the morning before everyone else is awake?
We highlight that a door to one of the houses is wide open and that that’s “a bit odd.” I’ve seen lots of open doors in my life and never once felt that it was odd. Henry then calls his dad and “Julia,” who I’ll assume is his step-mother. The “no longer in service” automated message provides a modicum of curiosity until one second later when Henry pulls up to his house where his dad and Julia live. If his house was one second away, why did he call his parents?
This writer needs to work on the sophistication of his delivery. You need to think about why characters are doing things and not just do them because you think it would make for a cool moment. You have to think of your characters as living breathing human beings who are governed by the same laws of logic and reason we are. Nobody calls their father to see if he’s home when you’re going to see that he’s home in 3 seconds.
Kudos to the writer for starting their script with something that grabs our attention. However, this is another case of weird shit happening without a lot of thought put into why or how it fits together. Before we get there, the first thing that stands out is the weird spacing on this document. I’ll say it again: people who are serious about screenwriting use professional screenwriting software. If I see a mistake as basic as weird spacing, that’s a red flag.
Next up, we have a six inch canister with a window. What do you mean a “window?” Does Ant-Man live in this canister? Literally within the first paragraph, we’ve got two red flags. The only reason I keep reading is because at least something’s happening. And I’m briefly vindicated when the daughter stabs her mom in something that promises a “Bird Box” like concept. However, the father’s response to this killing is so bizarre (“Leave!” – then throws a bat at her) that I know this is seconds away from falling off the rails. This feels like it was whipped together in ten minutes. Not going to cut it.
I can’t enjoy something if I don’t understand what’s happening. This doctor says he’s going to make someone beautiful. The next thing we know we’re looking at footsteps. So I guess somebody is invisible? How did we go from a movie about beauty to a movie about invisibility? Then this girl is joined by two other patients? Where did they come from? Are they using a group invisibility plastic surgery discount? — Some writers write without ever considering the reader. They’re so far in their head that they don’t realize what they’re writing doesn’t make sense. Put yourself in the mind of the reader. Does your scene play out in a clear and concise way when reading it from the other side?
Well lookie here. The first submission to get me to read all 10 pages! Congratulations to Bill Lawrence. Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I didn’t LOVE these pages. But the scene was constructed in such a way where it was hard for me to put the script down. Now here’s where things get interesting. You guys DIDN’T like these pages. This script was an Amateur Offerings entry two months ago and only received one (!!!) vote. I’ve tried to figure out why.
I suspect that people didn’t vote for it because the situation is too generic. It definitely moves. It has tension and conflict throughout. But it lacks any sense of originality. There is nothing new or fresh here.
I realize this is confusing. This is the first script to get you to read all 10 pages and you’re not over the moon about it, Carson??? Look, I’m a little confused myself. I’ll tell you this though. The writing was so sparse and easy to read, there wasn’t a reason to STOP reading. That’s the power of writing clear and concise prose. I think that if Bill kept this structure but added some elements that were more original or unexpected, I would’ve e-mailed him and said, “I need to read more of this.” For example, of course the man who sexually assaulted Shannon is fat and ugly. It’s cliche. What if he was an upstanding well-put-together pillar of the community instead? Stuff like that that’s not so on-the-nose. With that said, this is the only script that got me to read all 10 pages. So in this unofficial competition, it’s in the lead!
