We’re back with seven new First Act entries! If you weren’t around last week, I’m doing a public dissection of First Act Contest submissions. I give each entry at least 10 pages. From there, I keep reading until I get bored. If the script manages to keep me reading all the way to the end of the first act, that script advances to the next round. Then I re-evaluate every script that advanced, pick five finalists, and choose a winner. Good news. Another script got through this week! Keep reading to find out which one. And, just as was the case last week, let me know if you disagree with my analysis on any of the entries!
Title: WAR HOUND
Genre: Action
Logline: After being honorably discharged from the US Special Forces because of a failed mission in Syria, a former Army operator returns home to a country he defended but can’t recognize anymore. A call from an FBI agent who masterminded the failed Syrian mission brings him an offer to go to Ukraine as a volunteer and exact revenge on the guy who disgraced him.
Writer: Dimitrije Vojnov
Thoughts: This is cool. The writer of this script has NINE produced films in Serbia. And, obviously, English is his second language. I have mad respect for anyone competing in a contest that isn’t in his native language. Not easy to do! So let’s start with the obvious. AVOID TWO-SENTENCE LOGLINES. I’m okay with them if you have a really complex world to set up (sci-fi or fantasy). Or if you’re log-lining a show, which needs a little more explanation. But this didn’t need a two-sentence logline. My big worry going into this (yes, I broke my own rule by reading the logline first) was that it would be too generic. There isn’t a single element in the logline that feels unique. But that didn’t turn out to be the main problem in the script. The main problem is that the English-second-language issue rears its head so aggressively that the read doesn’t flow. A script MUST FLOW. I know this is frustrating for ESL writers to hear as they’re probably thinking, “As long as the core of the story is conveyed, it should’t matter if there are grammar or punctual errors.” Yeah but a script is dependent on suspending the reader’s disbelief. And the ESL kept breaking my focus. There are people who will fix ESL errors in your script, so that’s an option. I even do it myself but I’m not cheap. Only because I’ve found that it’s not just about fixing grammar. Sometimes you’re making creative choices for the writer, and that requires some back and forth, which is time-consuming. For example, there’s a line in this script: “Parker is charismatic and Cameron’s team is focused.” These are two separate sentences. They should not be combined. And if I had my choice, I wouldn’t mention either. They’re not relevant to the moment and only act to gum up the read. So I’d probably cut that sentence. But, yeah. That’s why this script didn’t advance. If you are interested in ESL help, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com.
Page Stopped: 10
Verdict: Pass
Title: The Law of Worthless Stones
Genre: Action / Adventure
Logline: In 1877 Turkey, when an American demolitions expert inadvertently unearths a billion dollar treasure coveted by a bloodthirsty Ottoman Queen, he must fight for his own life, and the lives of millions, to stop her from funding an all-out war on an unsuspecting world.
Writer: Jeff Stein
Thoughts: I love Jeff. I think he’s extremely talented. He has one of the more unique voices on the site (“An empty bottle of whiskey rolls out of his hand, bumps against the scuffed shoes of a 12-year-old CHINESE GIRL. She is cute, crafty, loyal, and has enough attitude for a dozen Awkwafinas.”). I think he’s won an Amateur Showdown before (Jeff, can you confirm this?). As I’ve told Jeff in the past, his only problem is that he wants to include every single idea he can think of. Whereas I like stuff that’s simpler and more focused. So that’s where our writer-reader conflict lies. — I like the contrast inherent in this opening. We start with the Ottoman War. Then we somehow end up with a cowboy in America. How do these things connect? We’re curious and want to find out. There’s a fun “runaway train” set piece that follows, but something about the writing here is too loose. I’m not *entirely* sure what’s going on in the scene and I find that my concentration is often drifting. I repeatedly have to do the dreaded “back up and re-read that part”.” Sometimes I get the feeling Jeff writes faster than he thinks. We get the benefit of that (wild ideas, imaginative writing) as well as the disadvantage (I don’t feel confident that the writer knows where he’s headed in the scenes or in the story). I’d be curious what you guys thought of The Law of Worthless Stones. The concept sounds cool. But I want to know if my repeated focus-drifts are just my problem or they’re happening to you guys as well. Cause I want to figure out a way to help Jeff here. I would like to give him more concrete criticism so he knows what he has to correct.
Page Stopped: 13
Verdict: Pass
Title: The Sanctuary
Genre: Action/ adventure
Logline: A couple on the run from hit men find themselves shipwrecked on an island paradise where a drug lord hid his treasure, unaware that they are being hunted by wild beasts.
Writer: Mariano Rueda
Thoughts: This one started out really strong. Great cold open. We have, what looks like, soldiers, on a boat, headed towards an island at night. Once they get there, they head into the jungle, then come upon an old abandoned mansion. They’re looking for something. They then come across a cage with a still rotting lion carcass inside. That was the first moment where I was like, “Okay, this is cool.” Again, as readers, we’re looking for things that are original. Stuff we don’t typically see. I’ve seen military guys hop on shore and go try to execute a mission hundreds of times. But when I realized these guys were looking for something more treasure-related, I became intrigued. And the lion carcass snapped me to attention. It was a fresh choice. The rest of the scene plays out well. We then cut to Florida and meet this couple who’s had brushes with the law. I found their dialogue to be a little simplistic. It lacked specificity, which is what helps make your characters stand out. They’re just talking in generic relationship-speak. To the writer’s credit, we get another exciting scene, as the couple is chased by someone. But once they hid on the boat it felt like we’d stuck around the scenario for too long. The dialogue continued to be barely passable. I could feel my interest dropping quickly. When the boat owner fell off the boat, it just felt like hi jinx at that point so I gave up. But overall, this is a top 20% entry. Maybe even top 15%. So there’s nothing to be disappointed about here.
Page Stopped: 17
Verdict: Pass
Title: The King of Ghosts
Genre: Drama
Logline: When a survivor of the Burundian genocide is reunited with his daughter, he must decide between pursuing a new life with her, or remaining with the orphan boy he’s caring for and the violent existence he’s carved out for himself in the underground world of machete fighting.
Writer: No Given Name
Thoughts: You can tell the good writers right away. I liked, for example, the simple but effective description in this script (“KARENGA MUMBOYO (50s) sits with eyes closed. He might be napping. He’s shadow-black and lean and his face is horribly scarred. So are his arms. A man built from pain and survival.”). The writer uses a British character as the engine pushing the story forward (a journalist looking for the elusive Mumboyo, a notorious machete fighter). We then meet Mumboyo himself, who’s struggling to make ends meet in these underground machete fights to the death. And then we have a third character, Zecharia, who’s caring for his ailing sister. The writing is purposeful (it’s clear the writer has a plan, and every scene pushes us forward to accomplish that plan) and the story moves along quickly. We also have a unique world, which I just told you readers are always looking for. So everything felt new and fresh here. Easily one of the best entries in the contest so far. If you’re looking to see what the writing bar is, check out this first act!
Page Stopped: Read entire act (27 pages)
Verdict: Advance!
Title: The Patriotic Hitman
Genre: Action/Thriller
Logline: A sniper assigned by a government agency to assassinate a senator at a public rally catches a glimpse of a suicide bomber in the crowd.
Writer: Alex Beattie
Thoughts: We’ve got character naming problems right off the bat. Jake Ryan? As in one letter removed from Jack Ryan? Mary Swanson? One of the most famous comedy female characters of all time (Dumb and Dumber). I’m not asking for names like Locoio Markopolis. But if you’re not thinking hard about names, that makes me think you’re not thinking hard about anything in your script. With that said, the first ten pages are better-than-average. But it’s all very routine. Even the sniper cold open. You’re going up against American Sniper here with its similar sniper scenario. Your goal should be to give us a sniper opening that’s even better than that, not a notch less exciting. A female suicide bomber who takes out a team of marines? I read that scene every other week. I don’t think writers realize just how common their ideas are. You have to work harder than you’re working if you want to stand out. Nothing has happened in these first 12 pages that’s any different from anything I’ve read before. By the way, this is why scripts like, “The King of Ghosts,” do well. Their very setting is so unique that every single page is going to provide us with something new. Whereas when you write about covert agents, you’re going up against thousands of other covert agent scripts around town. So you’re going to have to move mountains and push yourself beyond your creative limits to find fresh new ideas in that space.
Page Stopped: 10
Verdict: Pass
Title: On the Lam
Genre: Fun Action/Thriller
Logline: A wealthy man who has worked as an underground doctor of assisted suicide for 20 years must condense his fortune, pack up his life’s work, and head across the Canadian Border in order to hideout from the multiple parties interested in finding him, arresting him, using him, or killing him.
Writer: Josh Bullock
Thoughts: I highlighted this one specifically because, as writers, we get so tunnel-visioned that we don’t notice the most obvious things. Look at the genre here and then look at the first half of this logline. “Fun Action” and “has worked as an underground doctor of assisted suicide for 20 years.” Do you see how those two things don’t go together? And worse, they seem comical when read together? This is why you need feedback on your loglines and scripts. If you can’t afford feedback, you must become an expert at seeing your writing through the reader’s eyes. You must learn how to become a different person and then read everything (the logline, the query, the script) as if you’re reading it for the first time. Because when I see something like this, I already know the script is in trouble. And that’s a problem because getting people to keep reading your script can’t happen if they don’t open your script in the first place. But I did open the script and I got what I was afraid of, which was a tonal mismatch. The opening scene is a gun to the back, “I’m taking you out of here,” bad-guy-catches-our-protagonist…. during a screening of Titanic. The dialogue borders on comedic: “Did you know that James Cameron
actually sketched that picture? It’s true. Winslet originally protested the nudity. She only agreed to it when James told her it would be a closed set with minimum crew. So to avoid bringing in an artist, he sketched her himself.” This scene is then followed by an assisted suicide, which is one of the most depressing situations a human can imagine. The two scenes don’t naturally come together. So I would tell Josh that he needs to work on incorporating a consistent tone, both in his loglines and scripts.
Page Stopped: 10
Verdict: Pass
Title: One Flesh
Genre: Horror
Logline: When a disease causes humans to fuse when they physically touch, a cult leader sets her sights on her estranged family as she seeks to spread her vision of love and a new fused human race.
Writer: Evan Job
Thoughts: This one started off strong. We see a group of naked people, all of them with aggressively cracked skin, go to a house at night and then a member of the group, a girl, run into the house and steal a baby, which we realize is hers. As her ex-husband chases her out, the baby fuses to the girl’s skin. I definitely haven’t seen that before, so I was intrigued. We then cut to a different character, Tasha, who also has this rare skin disease. She’s taking care of her father. And a member of that same car group, Anton, comes to her house and wants to reconnect with her. It turns out he’s her boyfriend. This is where I began to lose interest in the pages. Their dialogue felt very simplistic and it went on for too long. A good scene always has a point. We’re then moving towards that point during the scene. For a big long chunk of this scene, it felt like we weren’t moving at all. And the dialogue just wasn’t sharp enough to carry it. “Why are you being like this, Tasha?” “I am not playing this game, I want you to leave.” “I don’t want to leave.” “You’re going to leave.” Something about that exchange didn’t feel sophisticated enough to me. But kudos to Evan for writing a first scene that pulled me in. And this subject matter seems unique. So nice job there as well!
Page Stopped: 16
Verdict: Pass
Share your thoughts on these entries over the weekend! Curious what you think!! Especially about The King of Ghosts.
GET PROFESSIONAL FEEDBACK BEFORE YOU SEND YOUR SCRIPT OUT THERE!!! – I give screenwriting consultations for every step of the process, whether it be loglines (just $25!), e-mail queries, plot summaries, outlines, Zoom brainstorming sessions, first pages, first acts, full pilots, full features. E-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com if you’re interested in any type of consultation. I want to help you make your script as good as it can possibly be!
