Woo! This is what blogs are made for. Immediate passionate live reporting on events as they happen! As I said before, the drama of these present-day Oscars is lost with the excessive media coverage of the 8 million awards shows that precede it. Each main category is down to a 1 or 2 person competition, which makes predicting them kinda boring. The drama, henceforth, is left in the smaller categories, which would be fun except that nobody knows anything about the smaller categories, turning them into a complete guessing game. Anyway, none of this takes away from the true fun of the Oscars, which is to make fun of actors and actresses you don’t like. Which I anticipate I’ll be doing plenty of. What the Oscars lacks in drama we’ll make up for in pure moronic observation. In general, I’ll be updating a few minutes after each category is announced, so refresh at your leisure.
Random observations: Best two lines of the interviews so far. Jeremy Renner on if there’s anything he’d rather have here besides his mom: “A shotgun.” Carey Mulligan on George P asking her what all the little forks and knives on her dress were about: “I have no idea.”
Random observations: Wow, what a stupid way to open the night. — What the fuck is going on??? Neal Patrick Harris is singing! (and he’s a really bad singer) — Man, I thought Steve Martin was going to wipe out.
Whoa, these jokes are really going over well with the 80 and over crowd.
Why does Clooney look so mad? He’s not laughing at anything. I thought he was Mr. Happy Go Lucky.
I’m definitely enjoying how terrified these actors look when their name is called.
Oh got it, Clooney thing is a joke. Much funnier when Gervais and Carrel do it though because when they do it THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY!
Best Supporting Actor
Who I want to win: Christoph Waltz
Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz
Thoughts: Easiest category to call of the night. I don’t even know who else is running. I don’t care. He could be running against Daniel Day-Lewis and he’d still be a shoe-in. What I love about Waltz, is after he won it, he didn’t pretend to be about the art or any of that nonsense. He said, “I’ve been doing this forever and barely eeking by. It’s time to get paaaaaaaaid. And he signed onto Green Hornet, for I can only imagine to be many millions of dollars. Good for him.
Winner: Waltz
Reaction: That was a pretty heartfelt speech from Waltz. You could tell he was truly honored, and it was a nice tricky way of working in all the thank yous and making it seem like it was part of his speech (this year they’re not supposed to thank people in their speech – yeah, like that’s ever worked).
Best Animated Feature Film
Who I want to win: Up
Who Will Win: Up
Thoughts: Duh.
Winner: Up
Reaction: I love this guy. He LOOKS like a cartoon. You could not create a more perfect person to represent an animated film winner.
Best Original Song
Who I want to win: I don’t know.
Who Will Win: I don’t care.
Thoughts: This is an Academy of Motion PICTURES Awards. PICTURES. Not SONGS. Who freaking cares about this award? The only reason they even have this category is so they can throw some singing performances into the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and go with Jai Ho, by A. R. Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my favorite moments from last year is when Jai Ho walked up and accepted his academy award like he’d gotten one every year of his life since he was 3.
Winner: I don’t care.
Reaction: Miley Cyrus needs to disappear off the face of the planet like right now!
Random observation: Am I the only one who liked that song from the diet coke commercial? Who sings that?
Best Original Screenplay
Who I want to win: Quentin Tarantino
Who Will Win: Quentin Tarantino
Thoughts: Who wouldn’t want Quentin Tarantino’s life? He writes and directs these totally original movies. But unlike other directors, he doesn’t burrow himself into his work right afterwards, playing the role of tortured artist. He fucking ENJOYS HIMSELF. He goes to Sweden, Amsterdam, Germany and PARTIES HIS ASS OFF. And don’t think those experiences don’t contribute to his writing. In fact, I think that’s why he’s able to continue being original, because he actually experiences life.
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!???? Are you kidding me???? The Oscars are rigged. No way. What a joke. This really has a huge effect on the rest of the night. If the voters voted this for screenplay, what else could they vote it for?? — But Downey Jr.’s joke about writers looking like mole people = funniest line of the night.
Random observation: I usually hate these recollection pieces, but if there’s one I’ll sit through, it’s John Hughes. So many damn classic lines/scenes/movies!
Is that a red dot I see on Jon Cryer’s forehead? —- Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are like, “Who the hell is John Hughes?”
Best Animated Short Film
Who I want to win: Logorama
Who Will Win: Logorama
Thoughts: I mean come on. It’s freaking LOG-O-RAMA. Anything with the word “rama” in it should win. Although I’m a big French Toast fan so “French Roast” almost won my vote. The big question with Logorama is the rights issue. Will they be able to even play a clip from the film? I mean, this is the real drama of this year’s Oscars. How come no one is reporting on this?? I can’t wait any longer. I have to know what’s going to happen with Logorama! Ahhhhhh!!!!
Winner: Logorama!
Reaction: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! LOGORAMA WON!!! The world is a better place.
Best Documentary Short Subject
Who I want to win: Please put me to death
Who Will Win: I DON’T CARE!
Thoughts: Seven people on the planet care about this category. Not even the nominees’ parents are watching.
Winner: One of the nominees.
Reaction: Oh my god! What the hell is going on??? Who is this woman!??? this is the best drama of the night! Purple Woman comes up on stage and steals the microphone from very deep middle-of-his-speech man!
Best Live Action Short Film
Who I want to win: The people of the world.
Who Will Win: Kavi
Thoughts: Having seen all five of these films ten times each…IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, I can tell you that I’m magnificently ill-equipment to offer my opinion here. But what I can tell you is this. The Live Action Short Film category likes 3rd World Countries. The more 3rd world the film’s subject matter is, the better chance you have. For that reason, I’m going with Kavi, a movie about an Indian boy and his parents being forced into slave labor. I mean come on. You can take this one to the bank.
Winner: A film that was not Kavi.
Reaction: Whaaaat??? Kavi lost. This totally destroys my theory on everything, including the universe. Where is the large crazy purple woman?? Why isn’t she here for this acceptance speech? Bring back Large Purple Woman!!!!
Best Makeup
Who I want to win: Kim Kardashian
Who Will Win: Cher?
Thoughts: You can tell how much the Academy cares about this category when a) they’ve cut it to 3 nominees so they don’t have to invite any more people than they have to, b) on their website instead of using a production still for Star Trek, they cut and pasted directly from a cheap video still, c) They don’t even *have* a picture for Il Divo, one of the movies in the category, and d) They nominated STAR TREK for best makeup!
Winner: Star Trek!
Reaction: I don’t care what all you Stiller haters say. He’s the only one who actually tries at these things and is actually funny. Easily the best moment of the night. Even better than the Joaquin Phoenix thing last year.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I want to win: Blomkamp & Tatchell (District 9)
Who Will Win: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner (Up In The Air)
Thoughts: blah blah blah. WGA screenwriting credit war. Blah blah blah. The only time the Academy awards sci-fi is when it has some social relevance. District 9 has some social relevance. So award it dammit! I don’t know if I’d call it a great screenplay, but this movie needs to get some recognition. Plus Up In The Air didn’t live up to it screenplay whereas District 9 elevated its script. And plus I don’t want Clooney to be rewarded for for his bobblehead acting move.
Winner: Precious
Reaction: WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge upset. HOly Shit. Reitman must be pissed. Why aren’t they showing a reaction of him? This is probably the best moment of the night. This guy didn’t think he would win. And you can tell he’s truly touched. I don’t think there’s anything that could feel better for a writer – being up on that stage after spending thousands of hours in a room all by yourself. — Wow, Steve Martin actually said something funny with the “I wrote him that speech” line.
Best Supporting Actress
Who I want to win: Anna Kendrick
Who Will Win: Mo’Nique
Thoughts: This is a given. I mean, Mo’Nique tore it up. But Precious was way too heavy-handed for me. I think we know how I feel about films that pour on the drama and never let you come up for air. Kendrick is a great actress, someone I thought really shined in the undervalued Rocket Science. This is a girl we’re going to be seeing for years to come. — Also, I noticed they switched this from its traditional opening slot, and my suspicion is that it’s because they knew Mo’Nique was going to be giving one of the best acceptance speeches and didn’t want to waste it right away. Although, Mo’Nique seems to make an acceptance speech whenever she’s interviewed anywhere, even if it’s not about the movie.
Winner: Mo’Nique
Reaction: I love when these nominees cry at their own performances when they show their clips. — I think Mo’Nique just said her performance was obviously the best performance with that “politics” quip. She’s right, but I mean, that was weird of her to say.
Best Art Direction
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar
Thoughts: I couldn’t come up with something interesting or incisive to say about this category if you gave me three weeks. So I’ll just say Avatar and HURRY THE F UP TO THE NEXT CATEGORY.
Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Avatar gets its first win of the night. — Uh oh, I don’t think you want to tell James Cameron he’s a genius. His head is already filling up the first nine rows.
Best Costume Design
Who I want to win: I don’t. I wish they would eliminate this category.
Who Will Win: Dr. Panarsus
Thoughts: Dr. Panarssus needs to eat! How could they send Heath Ledger out with this piece of crap? Give it a little love. Even if the only costume I saw from this movie is the white tux Jude Law was wearing in the promo shot (at least I think it’s Jude Law).
Winner: The Young Victorias
Reaction: What the hell is this movie? I’ve never heard of it before. Are they sure they didn’t just make it up for the Oscars? “Uh, yeah the movie is real. Here are some pictures of the clothes on the set.” “But I’ve never heard of you before.” “Here’s another picture. Look at that dress.” Yes! I love when people come up and say they don’t give a shit about winning an Oscar. Sweet!
Best Sound Editing & Best Sound Mixing
Who I want to win: They need to send these categories back to 1987 so Superman can throw them into the bag of nuclear warheads he takes to the moon and BLOWS UP!
Who Will Win: See above.
Winners: The Hurt Locker in both categories
Reaction: I will say this though. These categories have the coolest films of the night in them. — Is this the villain from The Davinci Code? — Umm, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Sound Anything should have gone to Avatar, or maybe even, gulp Transformers 2.
Best Cinematography
Who I want to win: Inglorious Basterds
Who Will Win: Avatar
Thoughts: I just think Basterds was a beautifully shot film. But Avatar had more money shots, even if they were digital. Avatar for the win.
Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Wow, in the most visual category of the night, they didn’t show any clips. What the fuck??? — It’s funny how these lesser guys absolutely have to thank people, even if they’re not supposed to, as they want those future jobs.
Random Observation: I know I’m supposed to be respecting the dead right now. But holy shit does Demi Moore look hot. Shows you that surgery doesn’t always make you look like a freak.
Best Original Score
Who I want to win: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Who Will Win: Up?
Thoughts: I love offering my opinion on things I have absolutely no expertise on. Best Score? Give it to Fantastic Mr. Fox. Why? Because it’s Wes Anderson! And Wes Anderson loves music. Best Original Score should go to the person who LOVES music the most. That’s obvious. But I have a feeling Up will win, because music and animation go hand in hand and Up is more animated than Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is more stop-motionated. I told you there would be plenty of worthless observations tonight.
Random observation: This hip upbeat “So You Think You Can Dance” routine is not going well AT ALL. This is all very strange. Is Steve Martin about to come out and say, “Just kidding!”
Winner: Up
Reaction: Sam Worthington must have done terrible in the rehearsals because they’re not letting him say ANY-thing.
Best Visual Effects
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: Avatar
Thoughts: It’s too bad for District.
Winner: Avatar
Reaction: So what does this make it? A tie 3-3 now for Avatar and Hurt Locker? 2 for Precious? We’re having a pretty tight race tonight.
Best Documentary
Who I want to win: The Most Dangerous Man in America
Who Will Win: The Cove
Thoughts: First, The Cove has the best title. Second, this film covers the uplifting story of dolphin-slaughtering. So you know it’s going to win. I want The Most Dangerous Man in America to win because I think this documentary has something to do with Lost.
Winner: The Cove
Thoughts: Um, what is the guy who was in every 80s film doing up on the stage for this traumatic documentary?
Best Film Editing
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: District 9
Thoughts: The thing about film editing is, the wrong film always wins. They always get it wrong. Probably because the majority of the academy members have no idea what goes into editing a movie. I used to be an editor and I don’t know what goes into editing. But I know enough to know that the wrong film always wins. I think the members see a lot of camera movement and a gritty feel and believe that means good editing. Using that logic, I’m saying District 9 wins.
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: The Hurt Locker wins for editing? Why? Because it’s a war movie? Because there’s a lot of camera movement and it has a gritty feel? Dammit, should’ve voted for The Hurt Locker!
Best Foreign Language Film
Who I want to win: The Milk of Sorrow
Who Will Win: The White Ribbon
Thoughts: I admit I have not seen any of these movies, but if you want to get me into a theater, sorrowful milk is pretty high up on the list of things that’ll get me there. That and angst-ridden hot chocolate. Or jealous grapefruit juice. Anyway, everybody knows that The White Ribbon is going to win because I once heard of it, which is more than I can say about these other four.
Winner: I couldn’t tell you cause I have no idea what Pedro Alamovar just said.
Reaction: Yes, this is exactly what the Academy Awards wants, is the winner of Foreign Language Film to thank a bunch of people in another language.
Best Actor
Who I want to win: Jeremy Renner
Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges
Thoughts: I love it when the Academy decides…ehhh, I know this isn’t the right pick, but this person’s earned it because they’ve been around a long time. Like when Karl Malone got MVP over Michael Jordon. Hence, we’ll get Jeff Bridges for the Oscar for a film that 5 people have seen. But I really think this award deserves to go to Jeremy Renner. The guy came out of nowhere and was the main reason this movie has received all this acclaim. But the academy doesn’t like to recognize newcomers unless they’re like, 7.
Winner: Jeff Bridges
Reaction: Uhhh…what the hell is this 10 thousand actors talk about the nominees shit. Just get to it already. I guess overall I’m happy that Jeff Bridges won because he’s such a weird guy, and this speech is definitely one of the more entertaining of the night. Still loses out to Large Purple Lady though. Man, Jeff Bridges might be here all night. But the producers aren’t cutting him off. And Jeff Bridges’ wife is kinda hot. Puma.
Random observation: I’m starving. Can someone bring me some food?
Best Actress
Who I want to win: Meryl Streep
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep
Thoughts: Before I start my Streep worship, is there a Razzie category for worst hair and make-up? Whoever is responsible for Amy Adams’s look in Julie & Julia needs to be fired and never allowed to work in Hollywood again. Never have I seen someone so naturally pretty turned into something so horrendously ugly. Rant over. Now, Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep is one of the few people in any profession that lives up to the hype. There is no one more believable than her onscreen. Some producer said, “The only reason Sandra Bullock is in the race is because she usually does comedies and therefore we think she deserves an Oscar just because she’s doing a drama.” I tend to agree with that thinking. But I’ll raise you that observation and add that the academy wants the number one box office female star in the world at its event for some…RAAAATINGS.
Random observation: Why is Forest Whitaker dressed like Urkel?
Random observation: Am I the only one sick of Oprah promoting Precious. I get that she’s a producer (who came on after the movie was made) but come on already.
Random observation: What the hell did Sean Penn just say? That man should never be allowed near a microphone.
Winner: Sandra Bullock
Reaction: Wooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Sandra won. That is a huuuuuge upset. I can’t believe it. Who ever thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar? And off of one of the most boring movies I’ve seen all year.
Wow, and Sandra Bullock for the best speech of the night! I’m almost over the fact that she actually won.
Best Director
Who I want to win: James Cameron
Who Will Win: James Cameron
Thoughts: Here’s why I think Cameron deserves the Oscar. Bigelow (who may be the most beautiful woman in the world for her age) only beats Cameron in one directing category – and that’s in getting the performances from her actors. Granted that’s one if, if not the most important, category. But Cameron does better in every other aspect. And probably most importantly, he does it on a scale that is a hundred times more difficult than the directing job of Hurt Locker. Cameron has no weaknesses as a director. His only weaknesses are those he has as a person. The guy is so hard to root against. Nobody who doesn’t work with him likes him, and yet with that immeasurable handicap, here he is, in the mix, with, of all things, a summer popcorn movie. You gotta give it to Cameron.
Winner: Katheryn Bigelow
Reaction: Well, I guess this wasn’t that big of a surprise. But I didn’t like how Streisand basically announced beforehand who it was going to be. You don’t say that unless you got an inside tip. But I’m happy for Bigelow. She seems like a nice gal.
Best Film
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar
Thoughts: I don’t usually like statistics, but this one caught my eye. If Avatar wins, it will be the highest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. If Hurt Locker wins, it will be the lowest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. This, to me, is a very telling stat. If Hurt Locker is as good as everyone’s saying it is, word of mouth should’ve gotten way more people into the theater. By no means am I saying big box-office equals a good movie. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the fact that more people aren’t recommending this to their friends tells me it doesn’t deserve the credentials its getting. But what’s great about this year’s best film race is that it’s really about big Hollywood versus little Hollywood. And people are going to be lining up on both sides, sticking with their alliances. This is going to be the closest Best Picture race in a long time. But I think Avatar wins out, because ten years from now, everyone will remember Avatar, while in ten years time, only a few of us will remember Hurt Locker.
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: Ugh, I mean, I guess it’s not a bad film. But Best Picture? I just don’t know what to say. I suppose it has its fans? And the making of the film and the way it caught on is a great underdog story. But I still don’t think anyone will know what the hell The Hurt Locker was about in a few years.
Anyway, I’m exhausted. I think I need some warm milk and then it’s off to bed!
