Is there no end to the awesomeness that is Logline Showdown?? We’ve got yet ANOTHER hell of a script! Download the screenplay yourself at the bottom of the review!
Genre: Western
Original Logline: In 1867 Nebraska, a Pinkerton agent banished to a desolate post for an act of cowardice finds a chance at redemption when he decides to track down a brutal serial killer terrorizing the Western frontier.
About: This is our WINNER of the March Logline Showdown. It grabbed an amazing 49% of the votes, tallying 41.5 votes in total. It was obvious early on that the logline was going to do well over the weekend. And it only extended its lead as the weekend went on. Remember, we have these Logline Showdowns every month. Send your title, genre, and logline to carsonreeves1@gmail.com by Thursday, April 20, 10pm Pacific Time to enter into the next competition. Winner will get their script reviewed on the site.
Writer: Erik Howard
Details: 108 pages
I bet you Hardy would LOVE to play this part
It looks like we’re going to have to update that Amateur Top 10 List, huh?? If you guys keep sending scripts like this. Wow, what a beautiful surprise. Here I am reading these busted-ass Black List scripts, when I’ve got the real hotshots over here at Scriptshadow coming in like gangbusters every week, guns blazing.
Guns blazing is an appropriate way to jump into the review. Cause we’re going back to the Wild West, where, in today’s story, things get even wilder. That’s because in addition to cowboys and Indians battling it out, we’ve got to deal with serial killers!
It’s 1867 and Thomas Durant, the VP of the Union Pacific Railroad, is furious because his railroad workers keep getting attacked by the Cheyenne Indian tribe. He keeps calling back east for Army backup. But they always deny his request.
Meanwhile, a nice German family who has settled out on the plains, gets a strange visitor. A kind God-fearing man named Samuel shows up. Samuel shares a meal with the large family then proceeds to slaughter them (off-screen).
Pinkerton agent, and our protagonist, the lowly Owen Fellows, is called to the scene of the crime and he’s horrified to find that not only has the family been slaughtered, but the killer propped them all up as if they were eating dinner. This guy is sick.
Owen is thrown when it’s discovered that this can’t be the Cheyenne. The Cheyenne would’ve surely stolen the horses. That means it’s a white man. It’s one of them. When he goes back to report the murders, Durant realizes how big of an opportunity this is. If he can convince the people back East that the Cheyenne did this, he may well get his army.
Pinkerton himself rides in to demand that Owen go along with this ruse. Owen will now go West to the Cheyenne encampment and look for the “killers.” Owen points out that then the real killer goes free. Pinkerton insists that they’ll get the real killer. But for the greater good of manifest destiny, he needs Owen to sign off on this story that the killers are Indians.
Of course, it isn’t long before Samuel strikes again, killing another helpless family, who couldn’t possibly be prepared for the evil this man brings with him. It is then that Owen realizes, he needs to do what’s right and put all his focus on finding the real killer. Because whoever this psycho is, he’s more dangerous than anyone on the high plains right now.
Boy was this a good script!
One of the big challenges of writing a western is the lack of urgency. Things just didn’t move fast back then. So when you write these stories, it’s very easy for them to drag.
The way to combat this is to add stuff like a looming threat. A looming threat may not strike for a whole week. But when that looming threat could be responsible for the death of an innocent family, a week all of a sudden feels like a day. We know our hero needs to move fast in order to save the lives of the next potential victims.
Something unique to the serial killer genre is an extra dose of fear due to the fact that the people who suffer death in these movies don’t do so quickly. They’re tortured. They’re turned into human fragments. Or worse, ornaments. For that reason, every death feels more important and therefore it’s even more imperative that our hero find the killer.
All of that helps this script stand out.
Erik Howard gets a lot of the important things right in the script, starting with the main character’s introduction. Easily the most botched component of screenwriting is a weak protagonist intro. A good intro needs to tell us who your hero is, what their flaw is, and to make it interesting.
It helps if you preface this with a great description: “Unshaven, rumpled suit, derby- hat tilted back, tarnished PINKERTON BADGE on lapel.” That description alone tells you so much about this character. Namely that they’re a broken man.
This is followed by Owen trying to catch some pig thieves and it’s just sad. The guy has to hide inside a pig pen to surprise the thieves. I mean how much more symbolic can you get when it comes to showing how far a man has fallen.
But Howard doesn’t stop there. He adds all these details that drive home how weak this character is. When Owen is putting up the ‘missing pigs’ flyers, he can’t even hammer a nail straight. He messes up, catches his hand, and hammers the nail crooked. He’s the epitome of failed masculinity.
Now you may ask, “Wait, won’t readers dislike someone that weak? Should that really be our main character?” What I’ve found, in these instances, is that when a character is super weak, you can counterbalance that by making them SUPER ACTIVE. As long as Owen is determined to find this killer, we’re going to get behind him. And he is. Owen wants to find this killer at all costs.
Howard is also really good at NUANCE. Nuance is genre-dependent. Some genres, like comedy, don’t need a whole lot of it. But nuance can elevate a genre like the Western. This moment comes up where Pinkerton says to Owen, we need you to change your diagnosis of the murder. We need you to say it was Indians.
At first, Owen is resistant, because he knows it’s not. But then Pinkerton explains that they need the Army here to fight off the Indian attacks. But the Army won’t come unless it’s truly dangerous. Cheyenne Indians killing families is dangerous. That will get the Army here. And, in the process, it will prevent future attacks like these, since families will be better protected.
So, technically, both sides are right. Owen wants to do the right thing. But the right thing may mean more families get massacred. So he signs off on the lie in order to achieve the greater good. It was a really thoughtful treatment of the situation that you just don’t see in a lot of scripts. Most of the stuff I read is black and white. And black and white tends to be boring.
Another strong choice was to elevate the killings. In the first family murder, we’re left to imagine what happened. We saw Samuel talk to the family. But we only saw a brief first stabbing before we cut away.
With serial killer scripts, each kill needs to be more interesting than the last. It needs to build. So, the second time, Howard builds this little story into the killing where Samuel takes the teenage son down by the river to get water. The teenage son doesn’t trust Samuel. He’s the only one in the family that susses out something is up with this guy. “You said you was ridin’ for a month. So how come you ain’t got no mud on your horse? Or your boots?”
We now get to see a much more interesting attack. With the last family, the first victim, the father, didn’t see it coming. But the kid sees it. So he’s able to get the jump on Sam’s plan and try to escape. What follows is this harrowing struggle where the two keep exchanging upper hands. It’s been a while since I’ve leaned on the edge of my seat while reading a script. But that’s what I was doing here, praying that this kid would somehow outsmart Samuel. But he didn’t. And that made the experience all the more intense. It was in that moment where I knew this was a special script.
The script even gets flashbacks right! You know how I feel about flashbacks. They’re evil. They’re the devil. Never use them.
But if you’re going to use them, use them like this. We build up through dialogue that Owen’s sad defeated disposition comes from his involvement in an infamous massacre. We only hear the name of this massacre. We don’t know the details. We just know it destroyed Owen’s career.
So when Owen finally decides to share what happened with someone, we can’t wait to hear the story. And Howard knows that he’s got to live up to the hype he’s been building for this massacre. So he makes sure it’s a good story. That’s what I always say is the key to a good flashback – make sure it, itself, is a great story. Then there’s no way we’ll be disappointed.
I only have two complaints about this script. One, I didn’t understand the geography at all. I’m not even sure I understood where we started the story. I know of Columbus, Ohio. So when they said, Columbus, that’s where I assumed we were. But maybe we were in another Columbus?
But the more serious geography breach was when we sent Owen off to find the Indian tribe that “killed” the family. Then we cut back to the second family who gets killed. Then a few scenes later, Owen was there at the crime scene.
I thought the whole conundrum for Owen was that by going after the Cheyenne, he couldn’t catch the real killer because the killer would be back near where he was. But if Owen was close enough to come back and inspect new murders at the drop of a hat, then there were no downsides to him going on this false pursuit.
And then there was Hattie, a reporter who I didn’t talk about in the synopsis. I knew the second I saw this character what had happened. Cause I’m hearing it from a ton of writers. Howard got notes from someone – probably someone in the industry – that said the script won’t sell without a female character. So this female character is ram-rodded into the story even though she clearly doesn’t belong.
Her storyline has the potential to be something, I suppose. But it would need a lot of rewrites to get there.
Still, this was another winner as far as I’m concerned. We’re 2 for 3 on these Logline Showdowns. I honestly didn’t expect to find two strong scripts like this and Fear City until the end of the year. So kudos to Howard. Great job, man!
Script link: Blood Moon Trail
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: We were talking about set pieces yesterday. I learned a mini-lesson about these in Blood Moon. In the scene where the teen and Sam are battling down by the water, Sam shocks him, stuns him, and then makes a run for the house. He’s got a huge lead and we know that once he gets to the farm and alerts his father, they’re going to be able to kill this dude. Howard writes it so that we’re SO SURE the teen is going to get to the house. He’s literally almost there. And he can’t yell because Samuel had busted his windpipe. But he’s so close to the door. And Sam tackles him at the last second. It’s devastating. The lesson is, when you write these big action or fight scenes, make it so the person who’s going to ultimately lose, reaches a point in the fight, we’re we’re convinced they’re going to win. That giant drop from “SUCCESS” to “DEATH” creates an emotional impact like no other.
SCRIPT CONSULTATION DISCOUNT 100! – I’m giving out a couple of discounted screenplay consultations. If you’re interested, e-mail me with the subject line, “100,” and I’ll take $100 off my regular feature script or pilot script rate. If you’ve never had notes from a professional, take advantage of this! I can help you identify and fix things in your writing that would otherwise take you years to learn on your own. Not to mention, I’ll elevate your current script. So if you want to get a consult, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com. I do features, pilots, first acts, short films, loglines, whatever you need!
