Genre: Supernatural Thriller
Winning logline: A young war widow awakens naked on an Alaskan military base and fights for survival as she’s hunted by her father’s vengeful soldiers after a whole platoon was ripped apart overnight.
Winning Movie-Crossover Pitch: American Werewolf In London eats Memento
About: Not only did this logline + movie-crossover win the Showdown, it is the payoff of an earlier setup (to use a couple of screenwriting terms). You may remember that David sent in this logline for a consult and I published the process via an official post.
Writer: David Laurie
Details: 99 pages
Excellent job by David. He didn’t actually make it into the traditional showdown. For this showdown, I added one entry for the best movie-crossover pitch regardless of logline. That’s how David got in. And boy did he take advantage, winning the competition!
David is best known around these parts for the killer logline he won with in his last Amateur Showdown review. You can read the review of that script here.
Call of Judy didn’t blow us away but maybe She’s Got Claws will. Let’s find out!
A woman named Ivy in Afghanistan turns into a cat werewolf thing and kills a bunch of people. We then cut to Alaska where we meet Holly, who we will later find out is Ivy’s sister.
Holly wakes up outside some guy’s place. She walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and sees a lot of blood. She stumbles outside and finds people looting apartment buildings. She meets up with some cops who take her to the station.
Once there, the Marines (or special forces) show up and claim to be looking for something dangerous. The head of the group is Holly’s father, whom Holly avoids. Although we don’t know why, we get the sense that she needs to stay as far away from this man as possible.
Figuring that whatever happened last night that resulted in her waking up naked and bloody is probably related to this marine infiltration, Holly slips out and meets up with one of the cops, Miguel, at his house. It’s unclear if Miguel knows she’s a cat-werewolf or if he just senses she wants to get away from these marines.
As the seemingly amnesia-ridden Holly tries to put the puzzle pieces of what happened back together, we occasionally jump back in time, where we meet other players. There’s Elizabeth, who hates Holly. We get the sense that Cat-Holly may have killed her husband. And then there’s Ivy, who Holly had some massive sibling rivalry with courtesy of their father. There are also some sinister scientific labs in their past.
When we jump back to the present, the Marines are hunting down Holly, who, taking a page from The Hulk’s book, is forced to become the cat once again to kill them off. Then Ivy herself arrives in town, turning this sibling rivalry into a primal to-the-death showdown. Or will Holly team up with her sister to take down the real problem here – Daddy? That’s the ultimate question that must be answered in.. She’s Got Claws.
The aim for this review is to be constructive because I know how much time and effort David has put into this craft. There’s an aspect to David’s writing that’s holding him back. And if he doesn’t fix it, he’s not going to advance to the next level.
That issue is LACK OF CLARITY in the writing. It’s what I experienced reading his last script. It’s what I experienced in our e-mail exchanges. And I experienced it again here.
It’s such an important issue that it’s hard for me to even diagnose today’s story because I probably only understood 60-70% of what was happening due to the lack of clarity in the writing.
What’s frustrating is that it’s hard to explain *why* there’s a lack of clarity. It’s not immediately apparent when you’re reading the script. David obviously knows how to construct sentences and paragraphs and he has a very active vocabulary and a vivid writing style.
But there are two areas in particular that kept causing problems.
One, sometimes there will be something in a sentence that either is highly unclear or, at the very least, unclear enough that I had to re-read it. This is fine if it happens a few times during the script. But it happened a few times every page.
Two, whenever a new situation arrived in the script, it wasn’t set up clearly enough. Again, there’s some gray area here. I *mostly* understood what was going on. But it always felt like the situations were presented clumsily. You could never quite see them as clearly as you wanted to.
Let’s go into some examples of both of these issues. We’ll start with the first one. Here are a series of sentences from the script.
-“Ali is still upright. Staring with one eye. Ivy pulls a face.”
What does “pull a face” mean? I *kind of* understand it. But I could be wrong. And that’s the problem. You want your reader to *definitely* understand. Not kind of understand.
-“He shoots. THREE RAPID. We SQUEAL. Jump back from the edge.”
Is “three rapid” referring to the shots? Then why not say, “THREE RAPID SHOTS?” It’s a small thing but it makes a big clarity difference.
-“We pad slowly round toward the front—“
I don’t know what this means. What does it mean when you “pad?”
-“He always nods hi to his reflection and has not exactly gelled with Alaska’s low key ways.”
This is in reference to a character intro. I don’t know what to make of this. You’re saying that this character, EVERY SINGLE TIME HE EVER WALKS NEAR A MIRROR, nods hi to the reflection? A) Why would someone nod hi to themselves? And B) Why would you nod hi to yourself in every mirror for the rest of your life?
-“Same Frankensteins. Same table. SNOW BLOWER THRUM drifts in.”
This is one of the easier lines to discern what’s going on. But still, “Snow blower thrum” is not an everyday phrase so when it’s presented in this quick staccato manner, it requires a re-read.
-“He cups his hand around his phone and rolls a die onto it.”
I’ve read this one a ton of times and I still don’t understand what it means.
I would implore David to stop writing in this style. I understand why he’s doing it. It’s part of his voice. But it’s undermining the clarity of the story. I would try to write a couple of scripts in proper English. Full sentences with subject, verb, and object. “John ate the taquitos.”
Cause I don’t think that these scripts are going to be clear enough until that change is made. Then, once you master that, you can start to pepper your voice back into your storytelling. Remember, your unique voice doesn’t matter if the reader can’t understand what you’re saying.
The second issue is an inability to clearly set up your major plot beats. For example, in Titanic, you don’t start with the ship hitting the iceberg. You have to set everything up first.
We meet Holly waking up from something bad happening. She walks into this apartment of a guy and sees herself bloody in the mirror. So my assumption was she slept with this guy then inadvertently turned into a were-cat and killed him. Then we go outside and, out of nowhere, the marines (or special forces) are in town cleaning the town out, supposedly to find this killer were-cat. But… she literally *just* killed someone and nobody knows about it yet. How are the marines there?
Later in the script, it’s mentioned that they came because she slaughtered a bunch of military people the previous night. So I go back and re-read that part of the script and realize that before we introduce Holly, we show glimpses of this animal killing people. So I thought, “Oh, okay. She didn’t kill the guy in the apartment. She killed people before she got to that apartment. But then where was the guy in the apartment? Did she kill him too? Was he gone on vacation?” It just seemed like it could’ve been set up clearer.
Holly is then taken to the police station, although I wasn’t entirely sure why. I think because she needed to be evacuated from town like everyone else?
From there, she sneakily exchanges texts with cop, Miguel, for some reason. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if she knows Miguel from before or if she just showed up in town yesterday? I don’t know! To be honest, I didn’t even know this was a military base UNTIL AFTERWARDS when I re-read the logline. When I was reading the script, I assumed it was a town.
She then sneaks away when the cops and marines aren’t looking and travels to Miguel’s house, where they meet up. I’m not sure why she goes there. I’m not sure why they need to team up.
This is what I mean when I say it’s like reading through fog. I would always feel as if I *mostly* understood why things were happening. But it was shaky enough that I was always doubting whether I was comprehending the moment.
As frustrating as this is for David to hear, it’s just as frustrating for me to explain because I want to fix this for him and I don’t know how. I wish it was as easy as “Do A, B, and C.” But there are minute details I haven’t identified that are playing into my inability to follow along.
All I know is that when I’m reading a good script, everything is crystal clear. Every word, every sentence, every beat, every action, every plot development, every character motivation. That’s not an issue that ever even comes up when I’m reading a good script. Clarity and presentation are a given. And that’s not happening here. It wasn’t happening in Call of Judy either.
Which means I can’t even assess the overall story.
I’m going to call on you guys here cause some of you are better at this than me. Read the first ten pages of She’s Got Claws. Tell me if you experience the same issues I had. If enough of you didn’t, I will concede I’m bad at reading. But, if you do, explain what you think is going on as specifically as possible. Because I want to help David. And I want to be better armed to help writers in the future who have this issue.
I still think this has movie potential. These dual-cat-human killers running around and ripping up Marines – I could see people paying for that. The script does have some gnarly imagery. But we need a way clearer AND cleaner story.
Script link: She’s Got Claws
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: You have to be aware of what your weaknesses are as a screenwriter and write around them. David has lack-of-clarity issues. When you have lack-of-clarity issues, you don’t want to write Memento, something with a lot of intricate flash-backing (which I didn’t get into in the review). We’re having a hard enough time following the present storyline. Prove you can tell a clear concise simple story first. Then you can get fancy.
