Genre: Horror
Premise: When a man’s girlfriend is killed by a cult, he goes crazy, then goes after them one by one.
About: “Mandy” has become a bit of a phenomenon after its crazy trailer debuted. The combination of arresting visuals and Nicholas Cage at his most Nicholas Cage-ish, promised moviegoers a film unlike any they’ve seen in 2018. Writer/Director Panos Cosmatos has one feature under his belt, 2010’s “Beyond the Black Rainbow.” While that film came and went without a peep, Mandy is getting amazing reviews, garnering a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes. Is Mandy the new face of horror? And, more importantly, has the film returned Nicholas Cage to us?
Writer: Panos Cosmatos and Aaron Stewart-Ahn
Details: 120 minutes of something
Before we get to Mandy, I just want to talk about Predator for a second. Because that’s the movie I should be reviewing. It’s the big release of the weekend. It’s a known property. And yet, I had zero interest in seeing it. In fact, I had a negative desire. And with a paltry 24 million dollars in box office, it sounds like I wasn’t the only one steering clear. This is something studios don’t get. These days, people think a lot harder about paying to see a movie. Not only are movies more expensive, but between TV and the internet, people have more options.
So when your solution to that problem is the pitch: “Predator in a suburb,” you need to take a long hard look at why you’re making movies. I’m not saying that every movie needs to be Avengers these days. But I am saying that trying to package mid-budget dying properties as must see moviegoing experiences is a bad idea. You’d be much better off taking a chance on something new and trying to build future IP on that. There are Matrixes and John Wicks out there to be had but not if you don’t take a chance in the first place.
For this reason, I decided to review Mandy instead. It looked a thousand times more interesting than predators mowing the lawn or whatever this Predator movie’s about. Nicholas Cage has been stuck in the 9 Circles of Direct-to-Digital Hell for so long that it’d be nice to see him finally climb his way out. And so, with a boat full of glee, I pressed play and experienced something unlike anything I’ve experienced before. How does that old saying go? Be careful what you wish for?
In order to accurately summarize this movie I will need to call Nicholas Cage’s character Nicholas Cage, since he was never named. Okay, so Nicholas Cage is dating this girl named Mandy. They live in a home out in the wilderness. Despite Nicholas Cage working as a forester and Mandy working as a convenience store clerk, the two have a lot of time to lounge around.
And lounge around they did. There were at least half-a-dozen scenes of Nicholas Cage and Mandy lying around talking to each other about stuff. Deep conversations like, “What’s your favorite planet?” “Galactus,” Nicholas Cage says. “That’s not a planet,” Mandy says. “Yes but Galactus eats planets,” Nicholas Cage says, “Ruff ruff ruff ruff.”
Why did Nicholas Cage mime barking after clarifying his planet choice? Your guess is as good as mine.
Anyway, so Mandy is strolling down the road one day. Not to go anywhere of course. But because the writer needs her to be strolling so this next part can happen. A van full of – I guess you would call them a cult – sputters by. The Leader of the cult spots Mandy and, on the way home, decides that he’s obsessed with her. So he tells his Lieutenant, who looks like a young Bob Newhart, to kidnap her. Bob Newhart Jr. drives to the forest, takes out a flute, plays a tune, and a little while later three monsters on motorcycles show up. No, I’m not making this up.
The monsters go to Nicholas Cage and Mandy’s house and kidnap Mandy. The Leader is excited to have sex with his new plaything, except it all goes wrong when he disrobes and Mandy starts laughing at the size of his penis. No, I am not making this up. The Leader is so furious that he kidnaps Nicholas Cage and then burns Mandy alive in front of him for laughing at his penis.
Nicholas Cage then goes to an old war friend and asks for his crossbow back. Not sure why he left his crossbow with his old friend in the first place but sure, why not. Nicholas Cage then forges a double-sided axe out of molten lava and proceeds to hunt down the monster-cyclers one by one. Afterwards, he descends upon the cult and kills them, too, before finally remembering his beloved Mandy, and we pan up to see we’re on a planet in another solar system (this really happens).
So, here’s the thing.
You’re probably looking at Mandy’s RT score (94%) and wondering why my summary characterizes it as the worst movie ever made.
Good question.
The thing with Mandy is that it has…. something. It’s shot in this vibrant grainy 16mm stock and lit in this deep red and blue hue that results in a palette you’ve never quite seen before. Then you’ve got this haunting electronica score, which is so lonely and affecting that you can place it over a single shot of just actors talking and it’s bizarrely mesmerizing.
There’s also an unhinged quality to the acting that makes every scene unpredictable. The scenes with the cult, in particular, are some of the more uncomfortable moments you’ll watch all year. So I can see why the average bored-out-of-his-mind critic was taken with this. It is literally unlike anything he’s seen this decade. And critics are known for giving points to anything that dares to be different, regardless of whether it’s different good or different bad.
The problem with Mandy is that the script is so dreadfully bad. It’s clear that there was no effort put into even the basics of the story. Who are these characters? Why are they living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere? What did they do before this? This is when I really know I’m dealing with a new screenwriter. When you can tell they don’t have any idea who the characters were before their starting point in the movie. There is no history to either of these characters, which is why they end up having conversations like “What is your favorite planet?”
On top of this you have repetitive beats everywhere. We have one scene with Nicholas Cage and Mandy lying down and talking. Then two scenes later we have another scene with Nicholas Cage and Mandy lying down and talking. You have to mix things up in a script. If you’re going to have your characters lying down and talking one scene, have them driving and talking next time, or walking and talking, or even standing and talking! Actually, the best option is to have them doing something (story related preferably) and talking. You only want to put the focus on the dialogue and nothing else if that dialogue is world-changing. To that end, let me repeat the last line of dialogue in the “What is your favorite planet?” scene: “Ruff ruff ruff ruff.”
On top of this, many of the scenes were embarrassingly long. This is another newbie screenwriter tell – the endless scene. The scene that should’ve ended five minutes ago but NOPE it’s still going! The most egregious example of this is the now infamous ‘your penis is so small it’s funny’ scene. You’d think that once we established that she thought his penis was too small and laughed about it, the scene would be over. Nope, she then laughs for another three minutes, during which the Leader yells at each and every member of his cult individually to “look away!”
I already know what defenders of this film are going to say. “But it’s totally batshit crazy!” “Nicholas Cage runs around with a chainsaw!” “There are monsters on bikes!” “It’s bonkers! You’re not supposed to think so much!” You’re all wrong. I’m fine with bonkers. But there has to be some internal logic to the mythology. There has to be a plan in place. There was clearly no plan here. This director wrote this script in a weekend, he made everything up as he went along, and it feels that way. Who are these monsters? When was it established that monsters even existed in this world? Why is it the monsters live in apartments just like real people? If some thought – ANY THOUGHT – would’ve been put into this mythology, I’d be open to it. But none of these dots connect. It’s a bunch of sloppy half-baked ideas held together by popsicle sticks. And not even the good popsicle sticks. The generic kind.
I’m not going to say this director is totally useless. As a filmmaker, he has something. But I’d be surprised if he’s ever seen a screenplay before. I would go so far as to guess he wrote this script on napkins. That’s how terrible this story was. Dare I say I wish I would’ve gone to Predator instead?
[x] What the hell did I just watch?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the buy
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The more you know about your characters, the more specific their conversations will be. And specificity will always lead to better dialogue. The less you know, the more generic the conversations are, and while those conversations may feel “deep” and “poignant” to you (“What’s your favorite planet?”), they feel broad and pointless to the audience.
