Clementine script review with some added insight from the writer!
Genre: Thriller
Premise: (from Black List) Set in real time, a Colombian mother barely escapes a pawn shop shootout and goes on the run from her violent ex-husband, a terrifying mob boss, and a bloodthirsty hitwoman sent to collect an overdue debt, all while trying to keep her diabetic daughter safe.
About: It’s finally here! Boy, I sure do know how to draw out the suspense. Longtime Scriptshadow reader and fave commenter David L. Williams, a man who put his nose to the screenwriting grindstone and worked and worked and worked, completing screenplay after screenplay, finally had it all pay off last year when he made the Black List, earning a highly respectable 12 votes.
Writer: David L. Williams
Details: 91 pages
Alexa Demi from Euphoria would kill this role! No pun intended!
Before we get to the review, which was posted in my newsletter (why aren’t you signed up for my newsletter: carsonreeves1@gmail.com), I wanted to share with you a quick discussion I had with the writer…
Carson: What’s happening with this script currently, David? Who’s going to play the lead role?
David: We have the actress (plus director and financiers). She isn’t well-known but she’s rising and FANTASTIC, and was the director’s first choice. They have it budgeted out to shoot in Miami and Colombia for $10M. The strikes obviously delayed m… everything haha. But they’re still aiming to shoot in or by summer.
Carson: Did you query agents with this script or another one? Is Clementine how you got repped?
David: So back in 2021 my best friend, Jason Gruich (Cop Cam), and I were both drunk one night and decided to burn cash on evaluations on the Black List *website*. Two days later, Clementine got a 9 out of 10 overall, plus a subsequent 8/10. I kind of hustled that: sent a few queries, told some industry people that I already knew (including reps/execs), and some reps reached out to me via the BL website, my email, and on Twitter (because it was popular on Twitter). I met Mitchell Bendersky at Gramercy Park. Could have gone somewhere bigger, but he’s the most amazing fit that it’s not even funny. He and I are best friends now.
David on left. Jason Gruich (Cop Cam) on right.
As for agents (Verve), I had a general with a studio exec and he sent that (plus another script he loved that I wrote) to a coordinator there and they flipped. My manager wanted me repped there too, but the exec beat him to it. Lol. Neither of us asked him to. A month later I had a meeting at Verve’s offices and walked out repped.
Carson: So your manager and agent got together and started sending it around to production houses and/or directors? Is that how the package came together?
David: So I was an Austin Film Fest semi-finalist in 2021 for a pilot and met a finance exec from CAA at a roundtable. I was the only person she reached out to after the fest, but she had initially passed on even reading Clementine and read something else instead (she liked that other concept more). But after I got a 9 on the BL website, she read Clementine and wanted to package it asap. I wasn’t repped with her, she just wanted to take it out. She and my manager took it out the first week of Jan 2022 and that Friday we got an offer for an option. So it actually got picked up BEFORE I officially got agents. My agents came in June, and got me a ton of pitch meetings and more generals. They also rep the company that optioned it. That CAA exec is now an exec at Beck/Woods.
Fun fact. We met our director because he read it off the official annual Black List. He’s Colombian and it really connected with him — he had his reps (ironically CAA) send a really emotional letter to the prod/co. He’s attached to a bunch of cool stuff but we sense that this is like his passion project. And we’re extremely lucky he came to us after we’d already met a bunch of directors.
Carson: You wrote a lot of scripts before Clementine. Why do you think Clementine was the script that broke you through? What was your mindset when writing Clementine compared to your mindset when you first started writing scripts?
David: Well, the idea hit me like a truck while I was reading a different script, and I started writing immediately, like within an hour. I think there are different ways to hook someone; outside of concept, it can also be presentation and intent. In this case, this isn’t a high concept, but there aren’t a lot of movies that take place real-time and won’t allow you to breathe, and for me and people I’ve met, that was an X-factor.
By the end of that day I had the first act written. The whole script was done in a week. No outline. Haha. What you read is actually the second draft, and it hasn’t changed since 2021. No one has wanted to change anything.
As for what’s different between this and other scripts of mine, while I’m not even sure if it’s my best script, I think it’s the least deniable, if that makes sense. Sometimes in movies like this I think it’s considered great when the protagonist doesn’t have a choice. We love to see what kind of choices characters make, but sometimes it’s more entertaining when the character is faced with “Do this your daughter dies. Period.” I think it has the most clarity and urgency which really does a lot here. I was constantly surprised as the story came to me and I think that comes through.
For example (spoiler) while writing the script, I had no intention of bringing Clementine back after she dies. I was prepared to make it Sicaria’s story. I think that’s what makes it feel so real. While writing it, I literally didn’t think she’d come back.
Carson: Any advice you’d give aspiring writers for getting representation or getting on the Official Black List?
David: When you reach a level where you’re consistently getting little to no notes, and people are flipping for it, send it everywhere that seems legit, as much as humanly possible. And when people inevitably want to meet you, being fun and pleasant go a loooong way. Those are the things that make people wanna be your friend and/or see you succeed: a great script written by a dope person.
Carson: Couldn’t agree more with that answer. Okay, so what’s next for you?
David: It’s a character-driven sci-fi/drama, vastly different from Clementine, called “Intergalactic.” After Orion’s Belt is destroyed in the night sky, an emotionally unstable teenager attempts to prove to a lonesome astronomer that the event was caused by his ability to move objects in outer space.
Carson: Well I’m rooting for you and I’m sure everyone else here is as well. Okay, on to the original review from the newsletter!
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I’m not going to pretend like I haven’t been nervous to review this script. David’s such a cool positive guy that I got scared! I didn’t want to rain on his achievement with a bad review should I not enjoy Clementine.
But it’s almost the end of the year and I have to write up my Black List re-ranking post soon which meant I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I had to read Clementine and I had to hope, with all hope, that I loved it. Cause I want David to go far in this business.
We meet 25 year old Clementine as she robs a Pawn Shop with her buddy Disco, and another dude. What we’re going to find out soon is that Clementine owes a nasty guy named Martin 100 grand because she stole from him to get her daughter, Sandy, heart-saving surgery. Sandy is a diabetic and suffers from a lot of health issues as a result.
But the pawn shop robbery goes sideways and Disco and Jake are 86’d. Clementine gets away, but not with the money. It doesn’t take long for Martin to call her and tell her what she already knows. That was her last shot. Now she and her kid are dead meat.
Clementine races home to get Sandy before Martin does and barely beats out Martin’s head assassin, a ruthless scar-faced female killer named Sicaria. Clementine hurries Sandy off to an abandoned warehouse but you knew it wasn’t going to be long before Sicaria found her (big spoilers follow).
Clementine fights Sicaria with everything she’s got but Sicaria is strong and kills Clementine. That’s right. She kills her! Now, we stay with Sicaria, who decides to bring Sandy back to Martin. Afterward, she gets a strange call from her personal cleaner. The cleaner says there’s no female dead body at the warehouse.
Guess who’s coming to dinner, Sicaria. The second time around, Clementine wins. But her daughter is still with Martin. This means Clementine is going to have to go into the belly of the most well-guarded beast in all the city to get Sandy back. Luckily, she’s got the AK-47 Sicaria left behind to help her. Will she succeed? With this script, I can honestly tell you, you’ll never guess.
(Big spoilers follow)
So the scenario I was most afraid of was that the script was going to hover inside of that “not for me” “worth the read” middle ground and I would be put in this position of saying it was “worth the read” even though in my heart it was “wasn’t for me” and you guys would all pick up on it and you would say, “Carson, you’re just giving this a worth the read cause you know David and you wouldn’t give that score if it was a random writer.”
Well here’s some great news: WE DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
Cause this script was awesome.
I’m not just saying that. It was really freaking awesome. I’m talking, it will definitely finish in the Top 5 of my Black List Re-Ranking post.
The script is just freaking RELENTLESS.
Something I’m always telling writers is to make things as difficult as possible on your protagonist. Well, David decided that that wasn’t enough. He needed to multiply the words “hard as possible” by a billion.
I can’t remember the last time a script made its hero work so hard. Wow.
I mean, at one point, we kill her! How much harder on your hero does it get??
The opening is a bit overwritten. I didn’t like when David juiced up his prose to sort of break the fourth wall at times. But it was a heart-stopping opening sequence nonetheless. I fucking felt like I was IN THAT PAWN SHOP. Wow. And I’m swearing because it was that intense.
You know what this script made me think of? Remember that script, “Mother,” that went on to star J. Lo on Netflix? There were so many things wrong with that script. This script fixes all of that. This should’ve been the script they picked. Cause Clementine is Mother of the Century with what she has to go through.
A lot of times I’ll give an “impressive” and writers will ask me why this script got an impressive as opposed to other scripts. That answer is easy as pie with “Clementine.” Everything in this script moves like lightning and is as intense as an African safari with no jeeps. But two moments stuck out in particular.
The first is when Clementine is “killed.” I thought she was really dead. And kudos to David for not doing the age-old “psyche out” where she jumps back up at the last second and keeps fighting. No, David commits so hard to the death of the main character that we then follow Sicaria for the next 15 minutes! This made Clementine’s reemergence a gangster twist that blew the doors off my reading Tahoe.
So that was the first one.
The second one was the ending. The ending in this movie is freaking insane! Cause David stuck to that rule of “make things as hard on the hero as possible” and he made sure that, because it was the climax, he made it even harder.
I had no idea what was going to happen. I loved how Clementine grabbed Martin’s son. Because, usually, in any other script, this is a cheap move. But here, it makes total sense. You jacked my kid. I’m jacking yours. You made up these rules. Not me. So it worked perfectly.
But even beyond that, it added an extra variable to the ending where you’re not just asking, “Will Clementine and Sandy get away?” You’re wondering what’s going to happen to this other kid. In any other script, I would’ve known he was safe. But in this script, a woman tried to kill another child. And our main character died for a while! This is exactly where you want your reader. You want them having no idea what you’re going to do and that’s exactly where David had me.
So then, Clementine clears Martin’s home fence with her car, somehow, impossibly, getting past all his guards and him, AND THEN A COP STOPS HER!!! It’s like, “David! You’re killing me, man!” I so wanted her to escape but now this cop stops her. Martin’s son is trying to get out of the car. The cop is threatening to shoot anyone who gets out of the car. Martin’s men are coming from behind. They’re going to catch up to Clementine if she doesn’t find a way out of this cop situation. Then ANOTHER COP comes up and blocks her car….
I mean… dude. David. You win. You – freaking -win. That was some great writing there. This is going to be an awesome movie. I’m so proud of David. GOOD JOB!!!! And now you can read it too. I guarantee you’ll agree with me. :)
Script link: Clementine
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When it comes to backstory/exposition, avoid your hero dishing out their own backstory. Instead, look to have other characters tell your character their backstory. I know that sounds backward, but I’m telling you, it works a million times better. So here, when Clementine first calls Martin to plead for mercy, she starts to talk about her daughter. But, instead of David having her finish, he has Martin give Clementine her own backstory. Clementine (crying): “My… daughter’s—“ Martin: I know your daughter’s sick to hell. I know about the divorce you can’t handle. Your papers. I have your shit memorized.” We get some quick backstory there about Clementine and we don’t realize it at all because it comes from another character. There were tons of other little screenwriting ninja star throws that hit their mark like this. David hasn’t just been reading Scriptshadow. He’s been taking notes!
