Genre: Thriller
Premise: A newly engaged couple and a young girl go on a snorkeling trip only to realize that they’ve been kidnapped by sex traffickers.
About: This script finished on this year’s Blood List and has already secured Joe Russo to produce.
Writer: Tracee Beebe
Details: 112 pages
The nice thing about these Blood List scripts is that they’ve all got exciting plots. Plots that feel like movies. The writers still have to execute the idea in a dramatically compelling way, of course, but this past year has yielded too many scripts that feel self-important, where the writers feel that their message should take priority over their concept.
It’s fine if you have a point to make. Most good writers do. But the job of the writer is to find a vehicle that’s entertaining enough to keep the reader’s interest. Once you’ve got that sorted out, you can cleverly integrate your point of view. That’s why Get Out made Jordan Peele the hottest creator in Hollywood. Sure, he could’ve made “Harriet.” But he knows that the best way to spread a message is entertain audiences while you do it.
I have no idea what today’s script has in store other than it sounds fun. Let’s find out if it is.
25 year old Jenna just said ‘yes’ to her nerdy but adorkable boyfriend, Tyler. The two are at an unnamed Beach resort hanging with Tyler’s sister, single mom Mel, and Mel’s 10 year old daughter, Tori. Tori, in particular, is thrilled to be on the beach, as she’s a future marine biologist in the making.
Jenna and Tyler are slated to go on snorkeling trip the next day but overhear a large strapping Chris Hemsworth type talking about a secret snorkeling excursion with a local. When he invites them, how can they resist? The two introduce Mel to Jones, who’s so overcome by his hotness that she agrees to let Tori come with them.
The next day the four of them meet up with Skinny, the boat’s captain, and his 10 year old rugrat of a son, and off they go! Once they scoot out to the snorkeling site, everyone begins swimming with the sharks, including Tori, which is a little confusing but okay. However, not long after they start, Tyler goes missing. All hands on deck as they start motoring around looking for him.
Then something strange happens. Jenna and Tori realize that they’re heading further and further away from the snorkel point. It doesn’t take long for reality to set in. Tyler was purposefully left and Jones and Skinny are working together! And it appears that the girls are being kidnapped so that they can be trafficked.
The only weapons the two have at their disposal are that Jenna is a firecracker who won’t go down easy and Tori knows everything about the sea, including an expansive understanding of sharks (which definitely comes in handy). But will that be enough to save them against the chiseled rock of a villain known as Jones? We’ll see.
I have mixed feelings about Deep Water. I want to acknowledge that if this went up against a crop of Amateur Showdown scripts, it would probably win. But with only a few scripts making these prestige lists, I expected more from the execution. Let’s take a closer look.
My first issue with the script is the setup. It’s clunky. One of the first things we’re told once Jones marches past Jenna and Tyler is that Tyler “pulls her in close,” threatened by the alpha male dominance of the man. However, a couple of hours later, after Jones pitches his side snorkeling trip, Tyler is the first one to jump and has to beg Jenna to go. Character consistency is of huge importance in screenwriting. And that wasn’t consistent.
But what really raised my eyebrows was when Mel allowed her 10 year old daughter to go on a STRANGER’S boat and snorkel with sharks!!! I am not a parent myself but I’m guessing that puts you in the running for worst mother of the year.
I don’t want to pretend like Beebe is the only writer who does this because I see it in a lot of scripts. And it happens for a simple reason. When us writers want to push our story forward, we put on blinders. We have to get the girl on the boat because that’s how we envisioned the story when we first conceived it and when you have that kind of tunnel vision, you don’t think logically. You don’t ask yourself if a mother would really allow her 10 year old to go swimming with sharks on a random boat.
One of the reasons setups are so crucial is that if the reader doesn’t buy into them, they don’t buy into anything that happens after. For example, if on page 60, Tori is swimming away from a shark, the reader is still thinking, “She should never be in this position in the first place!” They’re thinking back to the setup instead of being in the moment.
To Beebe’s credit, she does some good things. One of the primary challenges of setting the story up is establishing the characters economically. Sure, if you had all the time in the world, you could carefully set up every character in their own starring scene, manipulating the environment and the conditions to best say “this is who this person is.” But this is screenwriting, which means you have to move the story forward quickly. That means writers who can set up multiple characters in a single scene stand out.
For example, in an early scene, Jenna and Mel are out near the pool. We’re setting Mel up as Tori’s mother as well as notifying Mel of Jones’s offer. As Jenna and Mel converse, Tori is nearby in the pool, intermittently dunking her head and trying to hold her breath for as long as possible. Every time she pops up she asks her mom how long she was under for. “45 minutes at least!” “Come on, Mom. The world record is only twenty-two minutes. I’m not that good! Time me for real.” Tori would also occasionally spout out facts about sharks and other marine life. The scene convincingly sets her up as someone knowledgeable and comfortable in water.
Beebe also makes some solid choices later on in the story. This felt to me like one of those concepts where, surely all the good guys were going to win. So when she offs Tyler early on, leaving Jenna and Tori on their own, I thought to myself, whoa, this just got interesting. You want to make things as difficult as possible on your heroes and we definitely get that here. So that was good.
There’s one final thing I want to point out here, however, and I want to get your opinion on it because it was kind of a revelation for me.
Before they head out on the ship, Jenna and Tyler have sex. Afterwards, they’re lying there, and we see cigarette burns on Jenna’s arm. Tyler leans in and says, “You’re not her,” then kisses each burn ‘tenderly.’ (I’m assuming “her” meant Jenna’s abusive mother)
Here’s the thing. A guy would never write this moment. He wouldn’t write that line. And it made me realize that when it comes to romance, we often write what WE OURSELVES would want the opposite sex character to say or do as opposed to what they would actually say or do. I’ve definitely been guilty of this. If I wrote a female love interest for my male character, I’d have her say and do all the things my ideal version of a woman would say and do.
What’s important to remember is that in writing, all that matter is THE TRUTH. Not what we want to happen. Not the idealized version of what would happen. But the truth. Because when you don’t write the truth, something feels off. Even if you’re a viewer who knows nothing about screenwriting or is even aware that movies are written, you come across that moment and something doesn’t feel right.
So when you’re writing a character action or line dialogue in these situations, ask yourself, “is this the truth? Or is it some idealized version of this moment that I want in my own life?” The truth should always win out.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Include geography lessons in situations where the geography is crucial to enjoying the story. There are lots of boats out there. They’re all different. To assume we know exactly what this one looks like would be a mistake. Especially since we’re going to be jumping around it so much. So Beebe wisely gives us a layout as soon as we board…
The old fishing boat is made up of four sections:
the prow, with a wooden platform perfect for sunbathing
the helm, accessible by a rickety ladder
the small cabin below the helm
a low bench along the stern
