Genre: Holiday
Premise: At the height of the holiday season, two strangers team up to rob one of New York’s most famous department stores while accidentally falling in love.
About: Today’s script finished high on last year’s Black List, with an ornament-busting 12 votes (“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 votes on the Black List…”). The writer, Abby McDonald, has one writing credit. But it’s a big one. She was a staff writer on the mega-successful Netflix show, Bridgerton.
Writer: Abby McDonald
Details: 110 pages
Somehow. Some way. The holidays are upon us.
I like what McDonald is going for here. The holidays have been overwhelmed by the Hallmarking of movies. McDonald is adding a real genre to her Christmas concept. We have a heist film on the most wonderful day of the year.
28 year old New Yorker, Sofia, is scoping out one of the city’s most opulent department stores, Sterling & Co. As she scans the place, she runs into 32 year old Nick, a charming fellow who seems to be doing the same thing. And Nick doesn’t like that.
So tells Sofia to leave the store and stop thinking of doing whatever she’s thinking of. We follow Nick home and find a bunch of goons waiting for him. Nick owes these men a lot of money. Which is why he’s planning to rob Sterling & Co. on Christmas Eve, when they’re going to have alllllllll that holiday money in their safe.
Back to Sofia, who’s visiting her mother at the hospital. Her mom, who used to work for Sterling & Co. for 20 years as a cleaner, had a stroke on the job. But the evil company claim they fired her a day earlier to avoid paying her medical costs. This is why Sofia wants that safe money – to pay her mom’s medical bills AND stick it to the man!
Eventually, Nick learns about Sofia’s mom, which means he could have access to 20 years of experience in this department store. He’ll know every unlocked door, every corner out of camera sight. He may just be able to pull this thing off! But that means, unfortunately, teaming up with Sofia. Seeing as the two kind of hate each other (but kind of love each other too), it’s a dangerous move. But it’s the only move he’s got!
Whenever you write a script, you’re trying to create the best version of that script-type that you can. If you’re writing a horror script, you gotta give us some of the best scares we’ve ever seen. If you’re writing a comedy, you gotta give us some of the funniest scenes we’ve ever watched. And when you’re writing a con man/con woman heist script, you gotta give us amazing quick dialogue and incredibly clever moments.
What most writers will do, and what I’d argue today’s writer does, is give you just enough but nothing more. So, here, we have an early exchange where Sofia and Nick engage in some witty banter at the department store. Nick looks like he came out on top. Then, several scenes later, Nick checks his pocket and instead of finding the security pass that he took from Sofia, he finds Sofia’s library card instead. Zoinks! She lifted it from him.
I’ve probably read somewhere in the vicinity of 250 of these sexy heist team-up scripts and this exact moment was in 240 of them. That’s when you lose me. The goal when writing any script should not be to meet the standard. The goal should be to exceed the standard. You may not have the chops to exceed the standard, but you should always try. Especially when it comes to those things that are important to that genre.
Dialogue is so important to this genre. It’s got to be sexy and biting and quick and clever. If it’s ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT, your script is toast.
I was just telling a writer this the other day. Every time you read through your script, whether it be to spell check or look for plot holes or see if your characters are working, improve three to four lines of dialogue. Most writers will read through a script 200 times before they send it out into the world. If you’re improving 3 to 4 lines of dialogue every one of those read-throughs, you’re gonna have some really good dialogue when it’s all said and done. If you don’t do this, you’re going to have average dialogue.
On the plus side, I liked how McDonald understood that a straight heist wasn’t going to be enough. This is true for all heist scripts. You can’t put the heist in the third act and spend the entire second act preparing for it. You need to create some additional plot threads, and McDonald does that here.
For example, they want access to the key codes that are going to get them through all of the doors in the store. So they try and steal them from the store president’s soon to be ex-wife. But then the wife catches them and wants in. So now, they need to steal an additional thing for her along with the original loot. This additional object is then used as a way to create double crosses and plot surprises later on.
Another thing I give McDonald credit for is that these characters become more likable as the script goes on. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Every time I read one of these scripts, I initially find the main characters too polished and too slick. There’s no authenticity in their interactions. It’s more about saying the too-cool-for-school line. But once the plot kicks in and the characters actually have something to do besides talk, they grow on me. Maybe this is yet another example of the power of SHOWING NOT TELLING. It’s the characters having to act that pulls me in. So by the time these two were in the heist, I was engaged. Just not engaged ENOUGH.
My advice if you’re going to write a heist screenplay is to stay away from a straight, sexy thriller, unless you’re one of the best dialogue writers in the world. Because these movies are all about the banter between the two main characters, as well as the sexual tension underneath that banter. You can’t control the latter, because that will be up to who they cast. But you can control the former.
If you’re not great at dialogue but you still want to write a team up heist screenplay, I would suggest going in one of two directions. One, come up with a clever setup. Bad Santa comes to mind. Bad Santa is the same movie as this, but it has the more clever set up of a guy dressing up as Santa Claus to work department stores specifically so he can rob them.
Two, come at the genre in a unique way. Try to find an angle that hasn’t been done before. Parasite comes to mind. Parasite is a heist film about a family who steals a home from another family. We’ve never seen anything like that before so it’s a really interesting way to play with the genre.
You can certainly play it straight like this script. And, in McDonald’s defense, this is the most marketable of those three movies I just mentioned. But it’s also the variation that’s most susceptible to cliché and that’s where the majority of this script exists – in cliche.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Prioritize the things that are important to the genre of script you’re working in. We all have a finite amount of time. We can’t work on a script forever. Which means you’ll have to prioritize what, in your script rewrites, to focus your time on. Your priority should always be the elements that are particular to that genre. So if you’re writing a comedy, spend 80% of your time improving your jokes. If you’re writing a horror script, spend 80% of the time trying to make it scarier. If you’re writing an action movie, spend 80% of your time on your action set pieces. And if you’re writing a sexy heist thriller, make sure the dialogue is electric, that we love both of the leads, and we’re desperate to see them get together.
