Today’s script contains hints of one of the most famous scripts of all time, “Killing on Carnival Row.” Could it possibly be as good as that script?
Genre: Serial Killer/Period
Premise: When their friends begin dying at the hands of a brutal killer, an all-female crime syndicate, The Forty Elephants, must work together to take down the predator stalking them – Jack The Ripper.
About: Dennis MaGee Fallon has been working in Hollywood as a composer and actually wrote a song for Scriptshadow’s own, Nick Morris’s, film, “Becky.” This script of his made last year’s Black List.
Writer: Dennis MaGee Fallon
Details: 118 pages
Jack the Ripper is one of the more popular subject matters for screenplays and for good reason. One, it’s free IP. Two, it’s a genre that Hollywood likes (serial killer movies). And three, it’s easy to find twists for. You can bring Jack the Ripper into modern day, which I’ve seen before. You can play with the idea that he’s not human. And, in today’s case, you can infuse a little bit of Hollywood 2020 mentality and build the story around a group of women set to take the Ripper down.
But I’m going to warn you, this is not an easy read. It’s extremely detailed and overwritten. There’s a try-hard quality to the writing that gets in the way of a good time. For example, here’s an early description of the main character’s voice: “Queenie’s got a sandpaper voice with milk and honey edges.” What does that mean? Just cause something sounds good when you write it doesn’t mean it makes sense.
And there’s a lot of that here. For example, here’s another voice description: “Her accent isn’t cockney, it’s tropical – soft and exotic – but still full of defiance.” Why all the pomp and circumstance? Just say she’s defiant.
I find that this is a younger writer problem. Younger writers feel like they have to prove that they’re “writers” so they overwrite everything. I’m not saying write your script in first grade language. I actually like the tone and mood of this script. The writer knows this place and time. All I’m saying is: don’t overdo it.
Anyway, onto the script.
It’s 1888 in London and female body parts have been found in the Thames River, all with a strange symbol carved onto them. But people aren’t that worried because serial killers hadn’t really been invented yet. And it wasn’t like they all had Twitter to keep each other updated on the latest killings.
Madame Queenie, who runs the Forty Elephants, which has the best prostitutes in the city, is struggling to pay the bills. If she doesn’t find a ton of cash quick, her prostitutes aren’t going to have a place to sleep in a month. They attempt to solve this problem using the “Dead Hooker” Con. This is when a hooker covers herself in pig blood and plays dead to a wealthy client.
Queenie then comes in, says she’ll get rid of the body, but in reality sends a couple of girls to rob the client while he’s distracted. The plan works but it turns out they robbed the wrong guy. The guy was a con man himself, pretending to be wealthy when he was really just a bum. This puts the Forty Elephants ever closer to their big nightmare, having to go back to Leather Apron, their old pimp, who made all of their lives miserable.
That’s when bigger problems surface. One of Queenie’s best prostitutes and best friends, Annie, is killed in an alley by Jack the Ripper! The murder is witnessed by an island girl, Ezz, who watches as the Ripper guts Annie alive. To make matters worse, Jack spots Ezz, who makes a run for it.
When Queenie finds out that Ezz saw Jack kill her best friend, she goes on a hunt to find the girl. The problem is, Jack is looking for her too. She’s the only one who’s seen his face so he needs to get rid of her. Who’s going to get to her first? We’ll see. And, in the meantime, we’ll watch in horror as Jack the Ripper continues to slaughter Queenie’s army.
One of things I wish I would’ve known when I was writing scripts was the power of SITUATIONS.
A situation, in screenwriting terms, is an identifiable event, with genuine consequences attached to it, where the reader understands the rules and can therefore participate in the fun.
A bank robbery is a situation. A breakup is a situation. A battle of wits, such as when the man in black took on Vizzini in The Princess Bride – that’s a situation. (edit: I include a few more examples in the comments)
Situations allow the reader to turn off their brain and have fun.
Never has the importance of situation-writing been so evident as when reading “Ripper.” The script starts off with a situation. A man wakes up with a dead prostitute in his bed with blood everywhere. We know this situation. We understand the rules. Now we can participate in whether he’s going to get out of it or not.
It’s a fun scene because the writer does what every writer should do. He makes us think it’s going one way. But it ends up going another. That’s another power of the situation. Because situations are familiar, you can use that familiarity against the reader. They’re expecting you to zig. But you zag.
However, there isn’t another situation in this script until PAGE 60!!! That is when the girls decide to dangle Ezz out for the Ripper, having her walk the streets alone, hoping to lure in and trap him. It’s the second best scene in the script behind the aforementioned dead hooker scene.
The pages in between 10 and 60 were some of the hardest pages I’ve had to read all year. They were thick with information. Thick with exposition. Thick with detail. Thick with description. Thick with character introductions.
But most importantly, there were no situations. There was nothing where I could turn off my brain and enjoy what was happening. Instead I had to place all my focus on keeping up.
Just to be clear, there were *scenes.* For example, Queenie would go to the coroner’s office to look at Annie’s body. Or Queenie would butt heads with Leather Apron about keeping his grubby hands out of her business. But these moments are not enough to keep readers entertained. Sure, we’re getting information. And the scenes are moving the story forward. But it’s doing so in this logical unentertaining manner.
Obviously, you need logic scenes in a script. You need scenes in mysteries where the detective asks a potential witness if they saw anything suspicious last night. You can’t write situations every single time. But the ratio of situations to ‘plot muck’ needs to be a lot higher than what was shown in this script.
Because the situations are where the entertainment is. Sure, seeing dead body parts in a shallow river is an interesting image. But it doesn’t hold a candle to the entertainment level that can be created with a situation.
I do think there’s something to this script. It reminds me a lot of one of the most famous screenplays of all time, Killing on Carnival Row. The level of detail here is similar to the level of detail in that script. But I personally found that script overwritten and this one even more overwritten. It’s so dense that I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I wish it would’ve had more fun and implemented a lot more situations. If it had done that, I probably would’ve given it a ‘worth the read.’
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Plot muck. Plot muck is all the little annoying not-very-entertaining plot things you include in your script. Introducing yet another detective (Detective #3) on page 64. The press coming in to take pictures of the bodies. Yet another letter sent to the press from the Ripper that basically says the same thing as his last letter. People sitting around talking about who the killer could be. Plot muck is a necessary evil but should be limited as much as possible. It gums up the script and makes for a long frustrating read. Get to the good stuff. Get to the situations!
