Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise: A rag-tag group of space pirates come together to travel to a mysterious planet to retrieve a technology that will help them defeat the alien presence that has annihilated earth.
About: Tab Murphy was rolling in 1996. He had just come out with the huge Disney hit, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He was writing what would become another Disney hit, in Tarzan. So he was poised to take a big step in his career by writing a Star Wars like movie, something with the potential to break out and become a massive box office phenomenon. Unfortunately, like many projects in Hollywood, it never made it to the finish line. But for a writer who not many people have heard of, Murphy has had that rare longevity in his screenwriting career. He’s still writing today!
Writer: Tab Murphy
Details: 126 pages – Sept. 10, 1997 draft
I’m in denial.
I feel like an alcoholic who swears that, starting tomorrow, I’m going to stop drinking.
I’m pretending like Star Wars still has a future even though everything about what’s happening with the franchise tells me we’re in a late-stage civilization collapse. It’s gotten to the point where we’re hanging our hopes on George Lucas’s teacher’s pet, who still believes the prequels were the pinnacle of Star Wars.
A tear falls sullenly down my cheek.
The prequels??
Do I have to remind you how bad the prequels were? They were bad, people! They had a Jamaican lizard and a five-year-old who could race a flying vehicle 400 mph.
A second tear trails.
Whereas, before, there was always one Star Wars project you could hold out hope for that was going to change the franchise’s fortunes, we don’t even have that anymore. Star Wars’s big promise, at the moment, is a Rey movie.
Full on weeping at this point.
So I always like to check out what else is going on in the sci-fi fantasy space. Maybe there’s a new Star Wars franchise itching to come to life. I’d never heard of Star Blazers. I’ve never heard of Tab Murphy (or his sidekick, CapsLock Olsen). So I have no idea what I’m getting into.
The year is 2098. The earth has been defeated by the Gamelons, a human-like species that has destroyed many a planet in the galaxy. There remain small pockets of resistance, one of which resides in caves behind, yes you’re about to read this right, Mount Rushmore.
20-something brothers Derrick and Alex are the best pilots left on earth and are pretty snazzy when it comes to dispatching the latest Gamelon attack. But when Alex heads off on a mission that goes very badly (“It’s a trap!”), he extends his last flap.
Brother Derrick is devastated. But his mourning is cut short when their radar notes a strange ship that has landed in the mostly-blown-up city of Chicago. Derrick shoots over there, finds the ship, and discovers a robot lady inside. He grabs her and takes her back to Mount Rushmore.
Once back at Mount Rushmore, robot lady sheds her skin and becomes… an alien lady! Whaaaaaaat??? She explains to the humans that she has a special technology back on her planet that will help the humans defeat the Gamelons. “But we don’t have a ship?” Derrick says. “We do, actually,” his superior says. The USS Arizona! Yes, they retrofitted one of their aircraft carriers to become a spaceship.
But now they need a crew! The only crew they have is a bunch of pirates who led a mutiny against their last captain. Welp, beggars can’t be choosers! They all jump on the ship and shoot out into space. Along the way, Robot Chick slash Alien Chick then transforms into ANOTHER person. She’s actually a Gamelon! Whaaaaaaaaat???
She tells Derrick not to freak out. She hates how violent her species is and still wants to help him. But now the goal has become more complicated. Ya see, we’re headed to Planet Gamelon, which means you guys are going to have to walk right through the planet to steal the special technology that will win the war. Will Derrick and the Pirates (sounds like a great 80s band name) be able to pull that off? We shall see.
Now, if you’re anything like me, you read that summary and you think, “That sounds like the dumbest movie ever.” But let’s be real here. If I summarized Star Wars for the first time to you, you’d think that was a dumb idea too.
So is Star Blazers the next Star Wars?
If by “the next Star Wars,” you mean the red-headed stepchild who’s allergic to everything and has just been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia? Then yes.
As tempting as it is to just roast this thing like a Hawaiin pig, I want people to actually learn something here so let’s learn something.
You can’t start the adventure of your story at the midpoint. It’s just too late. And I’m not even allowing the year this was written to impede on this rule. Raiders of the Lost Ark came out 15 years before this script and Indy was off on his journey by minute 25.
So to not head into space until page 60 is a script killer. For two reasons. One, we feel like we’ve wasted too much time dicking around on earth attempting to find our story. And two, once we’re on our journey, we’re forced to truncate it, since we only have half a movie to explore it.
The journey – the adventure – needs to be your entire second act. That’s what second acts are for.
Okay, now for some roasting. Halfway to their destination, our team has to stop at another planet for refueling or something. And we meet the aliens on this planet and guess what they look like? Insects. INSECTS! Even back in 1997 this was the most cliche most obvious choice for aliens you could’ve gone with. You have to come up with something unique.
Because, if I had to guess why this movie wasn’t made – and I’m going to extrapolate this to represent all big budget screenplays that weren’t able to get made – the most likely reason is that you haven’t given us that one big thing that sets your script apart from all the other scripts out there. There isn’t a single original idea in this script.
And, sadly, that’s the case for most screenplays. The writers don’t ask that question and then wonder why nobody e-mails them back after reading their script. It’s because you’re not bringing anything new, or original, or fresh to the table. Insect aliens? Your 7-year-old son could’ve come up with that idea. So why are you using it? You’re supposed to be the professional, the guy who comes up with ideas the average person cannot.
But what it really comes to – and this is how Star Wars separated itself – is the characters. We have to love and care about the characters. And every character in this script was so basic and formulaic and cliche and thin. Derrick has a “save the cat” scene early on where he kisses his little sister and tells her everything’s going to be okay. Again, it’s as if someone writing a 7th grade short story came up with that choice. That’s how on-the-nose and common it is. It doesn’t feel like the writer is even trying.
That’s what drives me the most crazy. When I can tell that the writer isn’t trying their hardest. It is soooooooooooo hard to write something good EVEN WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING EVERY OUNCE OF YOURSELF INTO IT. So how likely do you think it is that you’re going to write something good by half-assing it?
I’ll give you a hint. About as likely as me watching the final episode of Ahsoka.
The good news is, you guys can form your own opinions. Here’s a link to the script!
Script link: Star Blazers
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Beware “fake humor.” Oh boy. I can’t stand fake humor. Fake humor is when you have your character say something that’s not actually funny but presents itself as funny and, as such, gets a polite laugh form the audience. So, when Derrick and crew first show up to the Gamelon planet, they see that the whole planet is a city (another cliché). When Derrick sees this, he says, “No wonder you people conquer other planets. You’ve run out of parking spaces.” This line is the definition of fake humor. The writer is not actually trying to make anyone laugh. He’s merely presenting a line that is designed to be laughed at. Please, for the love of all that is Bib Fortuna, don’t use fake humor in your scripts. Use real humor.
