Genre: Thriller
Premise: When a handsome stranger leaves a struggling single mother a $10,000 tip and welcomes himself into her life, she is left to wonder if this is the man of her dreams or her nightmares.
About: This script finished in the top 25% of last year’s Hit List. The spec sold to Tristar (Sony) last October in a competitive situation. The writer, Cooper McCains, has done some TV writing, most notably on the show, “Castle.”
Writer: Cooper McMains
Details: 93 pages
We’re going to talk about concepts for a second because with a little imagination, you can take an average concept, give it a bright shiny paint job, and charge three times the price for it.
Let’s be honest. This is a familiar concept. “Creepy dude starts stalking waitress.” However, if your logline is, “A creepy dude starts stalking a waitress,” that’s not going to get anyone’s attention.
The only thing the writer changed with “The Tip” was the manner in which the two parties met. The stalker gives the waitress 10,000 dollars. From a reader’s perspective, that’s sexier than just ‘Dude stalks waitress.’ It gives the concept a little extra kick. And when you’re trying to get people to read your script, that extra kick might make the difference.
I’m just telling you because I encounter a lot of unsexy loglines. Especially with familiar stories like this one. So if you can find an angle that gives your logline more pop? Use it.
28 year-old Katie Lawson works at a remote diner in the Sedona Desert (Arizona). A single mother who lives with her son in a trailer, Katie is struggling. So much so that she finally works up the courage to ask her boss for a raise, a request she’s been nervously prepping for weeks.
Unfortunately, her request is denied and Katie has a big fat breakdown in the hallway. That’s when she looks up and sees an attractive but awkward man staring at her. This is Patrick, and he asks if she’s okay. Embarrassed, she rambles on about having a rough day and darts off. And then, as luck would have it, he takes a table in her section.
The rest of the shift is uneventful but when Katie goes to pick up the check, she notices an envelope with $10,000 in it. “Hope this helps,” it says. Katie is uncomfortable with the tip but she has so many money problems that she’s got no choice but to take it.
A couple of days later, Katie is (but we aren’t) shocked to see that Patrick’s back! Creeped out, Katie says hello and Patrick gives her a special card that will allow her to claim the tip as a gift so she doesn’t have to pay taxes on it. Relieved, she thanks him, leading to her mentioning something about her son, to which Patrick replies he would love to meet him. Cornered, Katie says, sure.
The next day, Patrick comes by and the two get to know each other. Patrick actually seems like a good guy, despite his awkwardness. Katie ends up confiding in him what happened to her husband, who got addicted to pain killers after a car accident and became emotionally abusive. It forced her and her son to leave.
Coincidentally, a couple of days later, the husband returns with a “1 year of sobriety” certificate. He wants to get the family back together. Katie is confused and “dumps” Patrick so she can focus on this new challenge. But Patrick doesn’t take the news well. He’s suspicious of the husband’s intentions.
We sense that there may be more to the Patrick-Husband relationship than we’re being told. And that, maybe, neither one of them are telling Katie the truth. Chances are not everyone in this weird love triangle is making it out alive.
The Tip was solid.
It’s not perfect but it further bolsters the cache of The Hit List over The Black List. So far, the 2019 Hit List has a better track record than Franklin Leonard’s agent-less accumulation of concepts. Does The Black List not work without agents? It’s a legit question to ask.
The Tip taught me that real-life character problems told through an honest lens can do wonders for your screenplay. This is a simple plot. The only way simple plots work are if you’re 100% on board with the main character. You achieve that by making them relatable and likable.
However, if it becomes obvious that you’re trying to make the character relatable or likable, it won’t work. It has to be HONEST. For example, if your hero gives a homeless person ten bucks early on, that’s dishonest. We know it isn’t the character who’s giving the homeless man the money. It’s, you, the writer. And along with that ten dollars, you’re handing the audience a note that says, “Please like my main character.”
The Tip shows you how to do it right by placing Katie in tough situations that feel real and relatable. First, we show her gearing up to ask for a raise. Most of us know what that feeling is like. We need more money. It’s an important moment, not just for the raise, but because it takes courage to walk in your boss’s office and ask for a raise. So when Katie gives it her best and fails, we’re sympathetic towards her.
Meanwhile, her young son calls her from home and begs her to rent a movie online. But Katie doesn’t even have enough money for that and tells him no. That’s another thing that any parent who’s struggled with money can relate to. You don’t want to constantly disappoint your child. You wish you had the money to provide them with stuff beyond basic needs.
These two honest moments combined to make Katie extremely sympathetic. And once you have that, it’s hard to screw your script up. There were a couple of slow points in this story and I didn’t mind because I wanted to see this character succeed.
Also, do you remember in yesterday’s review when I pointed out I’d bet my family’s life on the fact that the plot would go a certain way and I was dead right? Well, had I done that here, I’d be the last remaining survivor of the Scriptshadow Clan. The Tip does not go where you think it will. The last 40 pages, in particular, have several twists and turns that will keep you guessing.
(sorta spoilers) Imagine bombarding yourself in a safe house with your son and husband from a serial killer with nothing to lose… only to realize that the man you’re in the house with is the real danger? That’s a great setup for a final act and that’s what The Tip pulls off.
It still felt like it needed a couple of drafts, though. Plot points were crammed together too closely in places. For example, right after Katie tells Patrick the backstory about how her husband became an addict and destroyed the family, the husband shows up at Katie’s house in the next scene. You need your setups to simmer for a while before you pay them off. And this one didn’t even have a chance to get on the stove before the payoff came.
The ending also felt rushed. At some point during every script, you want to do a pacing pass. You need to figure where your story is moving too fast, where it’s moving too slow, and make adjustments. Cause sometimes you don’t want to jump to the next plot point immediately. You want to build some suspense.
But even with its flaws, this was a quick enjoyable read.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: “After a moment, she notices something out of the corner of her eye – a well put together, but off putting man, PATRICK TRESDEN (30) enters and takes a seat at an open booth.” This is Patrick’s introduction. It’s not bad. But it’s preferable that you SHOW US why Patrick is off-putting as opposed to literally telling us he’s “off-putting.” “Off-putting” works. Most of us understand what that looks like. But it works better if you key in on some visual tic or some manner in which he says something that conveys to the reader he’s off-putting. That’s always preferable to literal description. I mean, you’d never describe a funny character as “funny,” right? You’d have them do something funny! Same idea here.
