Before we get to today’s scripts, I just want to alert all you aspiring writers out there of a yucky trend I’ve been encountering in the logline department: Loglines without a single original element in them. Here’s an example: “When a small town is terrorized by a ruthless outlaw and his gang, two out-of-towners decide to wage war against the outlaws. Will the townsfolk support them, or will it be two vs. an army?” This is every single Western ever. There isn’t a single unique element in the logline. If you don’t have an original or unique element (and preferably, you’ll have more than one), then you probably want to find another idea. I hope that helps. Onto today’s challengers!
Title: The Hunting Party
Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror
Logline: Long after Earth has been overrun by a hostile alien organism, a human orphan (raised by interstellar trophy hunters) crosses paths with a team of mercenaries sent to unleash a doomsday device and reclaim their home world.
Why You Should Read: When I was a young boy, there was this school bully who tormented me, constantly. I was so terrified at the thought of what was going to happen, what I knew would happen, that I started developing a cold sweat on the way to the one class we shared. The very same elective class that my parents would not let me drop because it would be a disservice to my potential as a musician. Needless to say, I am not a musician. So those years of gripping terror did little for my profession, and even less for my character, as I now spasm at the sound of an off-key trumpet.
For some inebriated reason, I decided to look that old classmate up a few years ago, only to discover he’d passed away. He was in his early thirties, had a wife and daughter. Left them without much as he never surpassed a menial day job. From what I could find out, he’d spent his few remaining years in the hospital suffering from some sort of terrible illness, though I’m not sure on the specifics. They tend not to go into much detail in the obits, especially when it might turn off a bereaved family member. Anyway, the point is, good things do happen to good people, if you’re willing to be patient and invest the time.
Well, here I am, another script in hand. This one in particular is an oddity, as I’ve never tried adapting material before. You’ll most likely figure out the source material very quickly, so I won’t go into what sparked my inspiration, other than I think the previous attempts were lacking. And I think it’s about time you did a round of “Amateur Friday Unauthorized Adaptations”. What do you think?
Title: Cry Baby Creek
Genre: Horror (non gore)
Logline: A woman investigating a fatal accident finds more than she bargained for when she starts asking questions about the dead woman who haunts the local creek. Some people in the small southern town would rather she not find the answers.
Why should you review my script: It’s a non gore horror that has more to do with the people than the ghost (she’s not actually a ghost so there’s not really anything paranormal or lengthy explanations about how she exists or anything like that…she just, well, does). Nobody actually dies (except the kid at the beginning, but she doesn’t kill him even though she’s there). So it’s not the average horror thing…it’s character driven. More of a story about family relationships and racial tension than the dead woman (although the dead woman figures prominently in the relationships of the main characters). There’s the typical twist ending and the creepy thing in the distance cliches, but how else am I gonna attract the attention of low budget people who want to sell DVD’s to Netflix? It was optioned for a year but the studio got delayed on a project ahead of it so they ended up passing on it. My mom liked it. But my mom also told me I could be anything I wanted to be which was apparently an IT guy at a machine shop. Can’t count the lunchboxes I had with that on it.
Title: A Wretch Like Me
Genre: Revenge Thriller
Logline: After helping a damsel in distress, a heinous drug smuggler misses a drop, forcing him on a brutal path to fight for his survival.
Why you should read: As a writer, I have been pretty beaten down lately. This screenplay was featured by Carson as one of the “10 that almost made the top 25” of the Scriptshadow 250 contest. That’s something writers love to hear. You are almost good enough, but not quite ready to eat at the adult’s table. I think this screenplay is solid, but I want it to shine. It is simple, straight forward, and brutal as hell. It is Mad Max meets John Wick. Most readers have cringed while going through it.
The goal of my main character was to mimic what Stan Lee did with the creation of Tony Stark/Iron Man. To quote Lee, “I thought it would be fun to take the kind of character that nobody would like, none of our readers would like, and shove him down their throats and make them like him.”
In A Wretch Like Me, the main character starts as the worst possible human, and by the end, he is a hero you can cheer for. Carson stated that he was almost too vile for salvation. So my question is: Does he need to be less vile, or given a more heroic arc…? Or maybe I’m missing the bigger picture entirely.
Title: Phobosia
Genre: Horror
Logline: After the sudden death of his mother, an anxiety-ridden young man on the cusp of a major life decision discovers that the only way he can survive his unrelenting fear is to kill ‘Terror’ itself.
Why You Should Read: I think the horror genre has been a little underserved of late. Many of the best classic horror movies use the genre to delve into really rich themes, and to tell stories that are both entertaining and meaningful (like ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ or ‘The Devil’s Backbone’). But it feels like more recently horror has drifted towards cheaper, jump-scary territory. And I really don’t mean to knock modern horror films – people still love them and there have been some great recent offerings, like ‘The Babadook’ – but I can’t help but feel that horror can be so much more.
Phobosia is my attempt at translating deeply personal subject matter into a script that is, hopefully, entertaining, character-driven, and dramatically rewarding. Have I succeeded? No idea! But that’s why I’d love to get feedback from the always honest and on point Scriptshadow community. I hope you’ll be interested in giving it a read, and if you do thanks so much in advance for your time!
Title: Castle Doctrine
Genre: Crime Thriller
Logline: When a Minnesota homeowner exploits the state’s self-defense law to get away with the murder of two teenage girls, their parents start looking for various hitmen to break into his fortified safehouse and kill him.
Why you should read: “Castle Doctrine” is a topsy-turvy “Fargo”-esque small-town thriller that plays around with some of the genre conventions (who’s the hitman, and who’s the prey) while at the same time respecting the classic noir formula.
It takes place in 2016 and shows modern Minnesota in the grip of high-speed Internet and social media. Its “richest man in town” character may have made his fortune in startups while its “vengeful mother” archetype may run an Etsy crafting shop out of her house and hire her hitmen online. It even may take place in the nice little township I was born and raised in, and not in the usual backwoods sort of place.
But it portrays (unflinchingly, I hope) the downward spiral of a community destroyed by a particular kind of crime where EVERYBODY knows who the killer is, but NO ONE has the guts (or the means) to do something about it. It chronicles the last days of several individuals who live out their lives thinking of either murder or survival and not much else. Its plot driver is the pendulum of retribution, the one you draw back in the first act, let fly in the second and watch it bring about a 24-hour bacchanalia of blood and mayhem in the violence-steeped third.
It doesn’t get any more noir than that.
