Genre: Fantasy
Premise: An elf is the only one of her people convinced that an evil force thought long extinct is waiting in hiding to, once again, rule the land.
About: The show that Amazon paid a billion dollars for is finally here! The first two episodes are available on Prime. The streamer recently announced that over 25 million people saw the first two episodes, although such claims should always be taken with a grain of hobbit salt as these are not independently verified numbers. Meanwhile, Amazon has taken the unprecedented step of suspending reviews on the site so as to “weed out” online review bomb campaigns, effectively crafting whatever rating they choose. Even more staggering than that, however, is that screenwriters John D. Payne and Patrick McKay had ZERO credits before Lord of the Rings. Let me say that again so it can sink in. Amazon gave two writers with no experience whatsoever, a billion dollars to make a Lord of the Rings show. Wow. Just, wow.
Writers of both episodes: John D. Payne and Patrick McKay (inspired by the works of J.R.R. Tolkien)
Details: Both episodes are a little over an hour
Lord of the Rings, the TV show, may be one of the strangest shows I’ve ever seen in my life. One of the ways to identify a quality production is in the actors. The actors are either big names that you know or high quality working actors whose faces you instantly recognize. So the fact that I don’t know a single actor in this entire show is very difficult for my brain to resolve.
Also difficult to resolve is the budget. And the fact that when I see that number – 1 billion dollars – I expect to encounter top-notch next-level screenwriting. There aren’t many mythological worlds as fertile for storytelling as Middle Earth. It is the prototypical adventure mythology. So I was expecting to get my socks knocked off. Let’s see if that happened.
A lot of stuff happened in this story so I’ll try to briefly summarize it. A young elf named Galadriel is looking for the evil sorcerer king who killed her brother, Sauron. But everyone else is telling her that Sauron hasn’t been seen for decades and is dead. Doesn’t matter to Galadriel. She continues to search for him. She knows he’s alive!
Then there’s Nori Brandyfoot. She’s a hobbit-type creature who’s very curious, even if her hobbit town explicitly says not to be curious. She loves exploring, to the chagrin of all the elders in the group. She eventually finds a homeless guy who speaks a strange language so she can’t understand him. Kind of like her own personal E.T. situation. Although he’s not as nice as E.T.
You’ve then got this angry looking elf guy, Arondir, who’s in love with a human (I think she’s a human at least) but they’re not allowed to be together for some reason. They spend a lot of scenes speaking in a very serious tone about stuff we don’t understand.
Finally you have elf, Elrond, Galadriel’s buttoned-up buddy, who thinks Galadriel is way too obsessed with Sauron. He’ll later be tasked with bringing some dwarves on board for a new defense project. And that’s pretty much it. There are a few other things that happen but those are the broad strokes.
So, did it blow my socks off?
Unfortunately, no.
Let’s get into why.
We all know first scenes are important.
But I don’t think there’s ever been a more important first scene than the one that begins a billion dollar TV show. The scene being chosen in that scenario is going to tell you a lot about what these writers are going for and it also shows you if they know what they’re doing. I can spot a weak screenwriter 99% of the time in their first scene due to the fact that it’s unclear what the scene is trying to accomplish. Or if it is trying to accomplish something, it’s doing so in a muddy manner.
Here we meet Young Galadriel, the hero of our series, as she crafts an origami swan that she then sends down a stream. As soon as she does this, a bully crew of kids run along next to the swan, throwing rocks at it and trying to drown it.
The scene is a success, in my opinion. For starters, it lets us know that the writers are prioritizing their characters. They didn’t start with some big battle. They started with a character scene. And they used a tried-and-true scenario to make sure audiences liked Galadriel – have her get bullied. And they did so in a non-obvious way.
The non-obvious part is important because they easily could’ve had a group of bullies walk up to Galadriel and start pushing her around. By trying, instead, to destroy something Galadriel created, it added an “indirect” flavor to the trope that made it unique. Which is exactly what every screenwriter should be trying to do.
So that gave me hope.
Unfortunately, that hope didn’t last long.
I’ve heard a lot of criticism over the last few days about how the show is “wandering.” It’s not clear what’s going on. We’re just meeting a bunch of people. I think that’s due to arrogance. Most TV shows have to worry about getting canceled. Therefore, it is in their best interest to make every moment, especially early on when you’re trying to build an audience, as entertaining as possible.
The Lord of the Rings may be the first show in history that is guaranteed six seasons. Amazon didn’t buy one of the most expensive properties ever to only film one season. They’re in this for the long haul. For that reason, they don’t care about entertainment right now. More than any other show I’ve seen, they want to set up their world for the fireworks that are going to happen later.
With that said, the show is not without direction. There is a name that keeps getting brought up again and again – Sauron. Sauron is this big evil dude who used to rule over this land. He disappeared. And everyone thinks he’s gone for good except Galadriel. Her dogged pursuit of this ghost is the primary carrot being dangled in front of the viewer that is, theoretically, going to keep us watching. We want to be there when this guy shows up.
Dangling carrots is, arguably, the whole shebang in storytelling. You tell them something big or flashy or weird or fun is coming and they’ll want to stick around to see it. It’s called anticipation, and is a very effective device.
The show’s real problem is the one that plagues every pilot that’s ever been written.
Do. We. Like. The. Characters?
Do we care about them?
Do we want to root for them?
Are we interested in seeing their storylines unfold?
Unlike Peter Jackson’s films, this Lord of the Rings doesn’t have Bilbo or Frodo or Legolas or Gandalf. It doesn’t have anyone we know. The reason that’s important to note is because it means you’re sending these brand-new characters out into the world on a wing on a prayer. As every professional screenwriter knows, you can do everything right in crafting a character, and still create someone boring. It’s because there are so many variables involved in creating fictional human beings. Even one misstep in the concoction could be the deal-breaker.
In addition to Galadriel, we have her Elven town mate, Elrond. Elrond needs to recruit some dwarves to build a weapon for his city. Elrond is… bland. There’s nothing interesting about him at all.
Then we have Nori, a young girl who’s of some kind of Middle Earth persuasion. Sort of like a hobbit, I think. She finds a strange man who’s fallen from the stars. She’s sweet enough. Earnest. She’s definitely not unlikable. But will I remember her character in a week? Definitely not.
We also have Arondir and Bronwyn, our romantic couple who have been kept apart by… I don’t know what. I think they’re both different species or something. These two are probably the most boring of the bunch. There’s literally nothing memorable about them.
Contrast this with House of the Dragon. You’ve got the king who just killed his wife. You’ve got his daughter who’s got this fascinating look to her. You’ve got the king’s cousin, who’s ready to lay waste to the king’s kingdom.
Almost every show that’s ever been made has been thrown into the gauntlet of, “Do audiences like these characters?” If the answer is yes, the show continues. If the answer is no, the show dies a quick death. That isn’t an option here. We will get six seasons of this show even if 10 people are watching by the end of it. To build that kind of story on a foundation of characters this weak? It’s never been attempted before. But we’re going to find out what happens.
Now, there’s always the possibility that these characters become more interesting over time. But, in my experience, you either like characters right away or you don’t. And the cool thing is, when you like them right away, the show is golden. In other words, if you get the equation right, you’re rewarded. If you get it wrong, like this, you’re in deep doo-doo.
Obviously, the true test of any pilot (or, in this case dual-pilot), is, will you keep watching? That’s the only question that matters. I will not. I’ve found very little to get excited about here beyond Sauron. I would like to see what goes down when he shows up. But am I willing to suffer though a lot of bland conversations with bland characters to get there? I’m not. So, for me, I’m out.
[ ] What the hell did I just watch?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the stream
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: A great way to construct characters in TV shows is to ask yourself, if the audience met this character then didn’t watch the show again for a month, would they remember her? If not, that character is probably too bland and you need to either pump them up somehow or replace them with a character that creates far more impact.
