It’s time for another, “Why Isn’t My Script Getting Picked for Amateur Offerings?!” As always, these posts are not meant to humiliate, but rather to educate writers on why their scripts aren’t getting chosen. I’m hoping my explanations act as insight for fellow screenwriters who recognize some of these flaws in their own entries, as well as help writers querying others in the business.
As a bonus, so this isn’t a total Negative Nancy post, please vote for the one script submission you like most in the comments section and I’ll include it in the next Amateur Offerings. Hopefully one of these writers will end up proving me wrong.
ENTRY #1: OUTSIDER DREAMING
SIDENOTE FOR CARSON: I sincerely apologize if I’ve been a bit overwhelming in how often I’ve submitted this. In my first submissions (The Onus of Inspiration and Disbelief) I was immediately given a chance at AOW, while with this re-submission I’ve had very little response. I understand that you do accept re-submissions after the script’s gone through some considerable changes, and I’m hoping this has changed enough to be eligible.
TITLE: Outsider Dreaming
GENRE: Satire
LOGLINE: When two film buff roommates in Washington state become inspired to each make their own movies, conflicting drives of quality and expediency form a rivalry between them. The future of both of their films is put in jeopardy as they question how much they value their differing ideas of artistic integrity.
WYSR: I’m Liam McNeal, a 21-year-old aspiring filmmaker from Washington state. I’ve previously had two screenplays on AOW, one being the earlier draft of this screenplay. Though the original version, titled The Onus of Inspiration, was not accepted for Amateur Friday, I did learn a great deal from the comments despite my knee-jerk objections. The title was changed, the page count was decreased, thus making the story more entertaining and interesting. This is the screenplay I’ve written that I’m most proud of and most excited about. It’s my most personal screenplay, and obviously, I feel it’s the best. I’ve been inspired by countless writers and filmmakers, and I believe that comes across on the page. This story should be one that speaks to the heart of many screenwriters, and I hope you enjoy it. I’m about to start work on the next draft, so I’d appreciate as much feedback as I can get.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: I like the tone of this query. It’s very professional. I get the sense that the writer is serious about the craft and eager to learn more, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers who submit. But there are a few reasons why I’m not choosing this. The first is that I don’t love re-submissions. I don’t think the readers of the site do either. In this business, for better or worse, it’s all about the “new hot thing.” So if you’re serving a dish of leftovers, people aren’t going to be as excited. This is why you should wait until your script is SUPER READY to submit (not just to Scriptshadow, to everywhere) – cause you probably won’t get a second chance.
On top of that, I’m not thrilled about the concept. It feels like one of those scripts that’s going to get lost in how clever it’s trying to be. And when I see “21 year old,” that only confirms that suspicion. Most writers at 21 lack the sophistication to write a tight well-told story. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. But every producer in town would say the same thing. The quick lesson here is that I can’t judge your age if you don’t tell it to me. But the bigger lesson is to keep producing new material.
ENTRY #2: DWELLING
Title: Dwelling
Genre: Erotic Horror
Logline: A couple moves into a house to continue working on their marriage, but their presence upsets a neighbour and her relationship with the demon that dwells within the house.
WYSR: Last year, I got burnt out while trying to develop a horror feature. In the end, the story was unclear, because it continued to change as I used the script to work through issues in my personal life.
I still love the character and that story, but it was my first script and if I hadn’t given up, I wouldn’t have moved on and discovered shorts; where my writing really developed. I also wouldn’t have the ongoing success from two comedies I wrote, while taking a much needed break from horror.
When I returned to horror and subsequently wrote Dwelling, I came with a simple story idea and the experience and positive feedback from having written over a dozen shorts in varying genres.
I love erotic thrillers and erotic horror. If you like either or both, maybe you’ll enjoy Dwelling.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: I’m immediately on guard when someone creates a genre that doesn’t officially exist. “Erotic Horror.” That’s a sub-genre if anything, and not one that I know to be official. Now some of you may say, “C’mon Carson. Why are you being so nit-picky?” Here’s something you have to understand, guys. I’ve seen EVERYTHING. I’ve seen every query, every logline, every script. And there are assumptions you can draw from certain patterns. They don’t ALWAYS end up being true. That’s why I said, “I’m immediately on guard,” and not, “I know for sure the script sucks.” But because past experience has indicated this is going to be a problem, I’m “on guard” moving forward into the query.
The logline is shaky. A couple moves into a house and is working on their marriage. Okay, that’s fine. Then their presence upsets a neighbor who’s in a relationship with a demon? That’s confusing. Does this demon live in our couple’s house or the neighbor’s house? Cause I don’t think either works well. If the demon is in the other house, who cares? They’re not a threat. If the demon is in the couple’s house, then how is the neighbor in a relationship with it? A logline should be clear and easy to understand. This one leaves me with a ton of questions. When I see that the writer has only started writing last year, that was the nail in the coffin. If you’ve been writing for one year, your scripts aren’t ready for primetime. At least that’s what every producer, agent, manager and Scriptshadow will think. Another reason to NOT TELL US how old you are or how long you’ve been writing.
ENTRY #3: THE HOUSE ON SNARE LANE
I hope you’re doing well.
I’d be delighted if you’d consider my new feature script for a slot in an upcoming Amateur Offerings weekend.
It’s already had three Scriptshadow contributors work over previous drafts and offer invaluable advice, so I’d love to see how it fares against the wider community.
Title: That House On Snare Lane
Genre: Coming of age drama
Logline: Four eleven-year-old friends investigate the only supposedly haunted house in town and uncover a mystery that could save a family.
Why you should read: Last year you wrote two articles that especially struck a chord with me. The first was a list of movies that Hollywood would like to make a new version of (not a reboot, but an original new movie that captures a similar spirit to that existing movie). The second was about the power of ‘anchoring’ elements of your screenplay in your own experience. So, here’s my take on number 6 on your list – Stand By Me, anchored to an experience in my own childhood but extrapolated … and with a sprinkle of magic added because, well, the movies should be magical, right?
Thanks for the consideration, and for everything you do with your site – it’s a constant inspiration to me.
If you should come to read the script, I hope you enjoy it.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: To be honest, I put this one on the back burner for a potential future Amateur Offerings. But I can tell you why I didn’t pick it initially. The logline has zero spark. There weren’t any, what I call, “original elements,” that set it apart from other ideas. A haunted house. Kids. A mystery that “could save a family.” That’s about as generically as you could describe the stakes as possible. This logline needs more specificity. It needs detail. It needs elements that help it stand out. Maybe you guys can help the writer in the comments. Or they can e-mail me (carsonreeves1@gmail.com). Logline consultations for just $25! :)
ENTRY #4: ZOMBIE SIMULATOR
ZOMBIE SIMULATOR
GENRE
Horror comedy
LOGLINE
When you get close to 40, you’re supposed to be a responsible adult; instead you’re a zombie, yet conscious, and controlled by a counter-revolutionary group of video gaming teenagers who don’t care how bad all this decadence and violence makes you look.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ
Isn’t it time someone solved the issue of how to tell a story in the first person? What if this script is the one? You won’t know unless you read it. At its core, though, it’s a story about personal responsibility, adulthood, and dealing with one’s shit. Hey, I told you it was a horror movie. Hopefully you get a few laughs, some big surprises, and the feeling that this story was worth telling, and impossible to tell without the “gimmick”. If you have issues with it, or know how to make it better, I’ll be listening avidly. I’d love all your perspectives on it.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: Because I’ve read the logline almost 10 times now and I still don’t completely understand it. When you’re 40, you turn into a zombie? Why? Not only that, but you also become controlled by teenagers playing a video game? How did you get in the game? Once you turn 40, are you automatically transported? Or have you always been in the game? There are also random unnecessary phrases (counter-revolutionary) that only add to the confusion. Then, only once we hit the WYSR do we learn that the movie is told from a first-person perspective. That’s a pretty important detail. Shouldn’t it be in the logline? When I finish a logline, there should be a sense of clarity, of understanding exactly what movie I’m getting. This logline achieves the opposite.
ENTRY #5: “THREE SCRIPTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE”
WHY YOU SHOULD READ
In an effort to become an actual screenwriter, rather than just talking about it, I took a step back and had a serious look at my goal and why I hadn’t achieved it yet. The conclusion that I came to was that I simply wasn’t writing enough. One script a year (sometimes two) is no where near enough content. If Max Landis worked at this pace he would be just another desk jockey, whining about how Hollywood is unfair. Instead, he writes dozens of scripts a year, throws them all at the wall and hopes that one or two stick. This is my new approach.
Also, in reading this site, I have come to the conclusion that good writing is second when it comes to breaking into this business. What comes first is a good story. If you have a good idea, then that’s really all the matters. Hollywood will buy said idea rather then see it fall into someone else’s hands — bad writing be damned! The only way to come up with good ideas is to burn through the bad ones. This bring me back to my original point i.e. writing as much as I can!
I wrote these three scripts over a period of three months (with a fourth well on the way). And I will continue to write at this pace until something ‘sticks’.
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Title: The Dead of Winter
Genre: Horror/Psychological Thriller
Page Count: 106 pages
Logline: When a military brat gets sent to an isolated boarding school in the middle of the worst winter the school has ever experienced, he becomes suspicious when the naughty students begin disappearing, and even more so when no one seems to care.
Why You Should Read:
Personally I never read the WYSR section of the amateur offerings. I find the readers always over exaggerate their scripts, and this usually just sets the script up for failure before I even begin reading it. So I’m not going to beat around the bush here with explanations as to why you should read mine.
The fact is this is a horror/psychological thriller set in an isolated boarding school in the middle of winter. It has kids disappearing, teachers covering it up and a student that may or may not be losing his mind the closer he gets to discovering the truth. If that doesn’t interest you then this script just isn’t for you, no matter how well written it is (and you may also hate movies, so for that I’m sorry).
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Title: Saving Neverland
Genre: Action/Adventure
Page Count: 117 pages
Logline: A re-imagining of Peter Pan. When Mary Darling is forced by a suspicious character with a hook for a hand to track down a special key that unlocks the path to Neverland, things take an odd turn when a group of teenage boys with swords also turn up looking for that same key.
Why You Should Read: First of all, let me apologize for submitting a Peter Pan script. As I’ve been told already, no one is after this subject matter anymore. I for one can’t understand why that is, as Peter Pan to me has always been like the original superhero, and his popularity in film just makes sense (especially considering today’s film climate). But who am I to tell people what they should and shouldn’t like?
But let me pitch an idea to you. What if… and hear me out on this one… what if this script was picked up my Disney and turned into a Pirates of the Caribbean film? Outrageous I know and by no means my original intention. In fact when I first wrote this four years ago it was just an ordinary action/adventure script. But I recently reopened it and thought that a re-write in the vein of Pirates made sense (purely from a genre perspective). The more I rewrote this script the more I could see it being rewritten again and tailored toward a Pirates film. Is this my ultimate ambition? Not really, but a boy can dream. So please give it a read, try and ignore your hate for Pan and tell me what you think.
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Title: Masters of Rome
Genre: ‘One Hour TV Pilot’ – Historical Drama
Page Count: 59
Logline: Based on the bestselling Masters of Rome series by Colleen Mccullough. When Rome is threatened by war, political novice Gaius Marius must learn how to defeat his rivals in the Senate if he is to have any chance of leading a Roman army in the field and saving his city from certain destruction.
Why You Should Read:
Rome pretty much invented political drama. I mean, this was a period in history when Senators got into literal fist fights during Senate meetings. Combined this with the most turbulent time in all of Roman history — when the great city state was transforming from a Republic to an Empire — and add into the mix some of the biggest names in Roman history (Gaius Marius, Cornelius Sulla, King Jugurtha), and you have the makings of one of the greatest drama ever told – and it’s all true!
The Masters of Rome series is an exercise in deft storytelling. It is without a doubt my favorite book series of all time, and a story that I think would make excellent television. I’m also an Ancient History major, so I can attest to the accuracy of the story told, and this is something that I believe makes it even more riveting.
I in no way have the rights to this series, but I wanted to write a pilot anyway just to see if I could and to see how it would turn out. I was pleased to find out it turned out rather well.
Why They Haven’t Been Picked: I chose this query specifically because the writer seems like a really good guy and I want to help him. Early on in your screenwriting journey, you get a lot of advice coming from a lot of different directions and it can be hard to sort out which path is the right path to travel down. That confusion is evident in this query. For starters, you never want to submit three scripts. Or two for that matter. It’s the equivalent of saying, “I’m throwing a bunch of shit at the wall to see what sticks.” There’s ALWAYS a best script in your arsenal. It’s usually the last one you wrote. So that’s the only one you should be sending out (unless the agent/producer asks you for more scripts). — The idea driven by Max Landis’s success that you should be churning out 5-6 scripts a year is also incorrect. Writing a good script takes time. At least six months. More likely a year. If you’re just practicing writing, write as many script as you want. But if you’re writing material that’s meant to be seen, you should aim for 2 scripts a year. So I’d tell this writer to keep at it. Mastering this craft is a marathon, not a sprint. The people who think it’s a sprint always fail. Even Max Landis, who was ignored for 8 years, would admit that. Good luck!
