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Screenplay Review – Nathan Decker (Guest Review)

Posted on April 11, 2012 | by admin

Oh man, I’m Twit-Pitched out. Last night it all hit me and I just crashed, leaving a ton of work on the table, which I get to make up for today. Yahoo! Luckily, I have my trusted readers to pick me up when I’m down. Today’s review comes courtesy of longtime Scriptshadow reader and former reviewer Christian Savage, who takes on one of Scriptshadow’s favorite writers, Dan Fogelman. It’s another day at the office for Dan, selling ONCE AGAIN, a 2 million dollar spec. God do I want to be this guy.

Genre: Dramedy
Premise: Disgraced Senator and presidential hopeful, Nathan Decker, returns to his hometown after stepping down from office in the wake of a sex scandal, but can he find a way to reconnect with his family and salvage his reputation?
About: Dan has another huge payday, with rumors that both Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck are interested in playing the title role.  I don’t think anyone’s signed on the dotted line yet, but we should see a major star attach themselves soon.  This is too fun of a role not to sign up for. 
Writer: Dan Fogelman
Details: 125 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plots may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Okay, I have to admit it. I kind of love Dan Fogelman. If I were a Hollywood producer looking for a solid family comedy, he’s the first person I’d ask to write it. He has to be one of the more dependable screenwriters working today. Every time I crack open a Fogelman script, I know exactly what I’m getting. Some people might think this predictability is a bad thing. But, it’s not. He learned what kind of story best showcases his strengths, and he has stuck to that formula for much of his career. And that formula has made him a lot of money, not to mention the most important thing: His scripts get turned into movies that do well at the box office. So, what are the qualities that define a Dan Fogelman script? I think we can find some answers in Nathan Decker, one of his latest spec sales.
When we first meet Nathan Decker, he’s a 40-something Pennsylvania senator, on the fast track to becoming a great man. Maybe even president of the United States. His winning smile gleams from the cover of Time magazine. Random people walk up to him on the street and request autographs. Wives across the land would leave their families for him. But, Nathan’s more than a shallow celebrity politician. He has genuine ideals and substance. He reaches out to people facing hard times, and turns down corporations wanting to buy his loyalty. He also helps pass a $4 trillion infrastructure bill, in both houses of a polarized Congress. For any other man, that would be the greatest accomplishment of his life. For Nathan Decker, it’s Thursday. He’s absolutely perfect, which is why it’s inevitable something awful must happen to him.
All is not well, with the most popular man in the country. When Nathan comes home at night, it becomes clear there are some people who aren’t that impressed with him: his family. He’s expected to eat dinner alone. His cold meal is left on the kitchen counter, with a terse note providing heating instructions. No “I love you’s” written anywhere. When he tries to talk to his wife, Tracy, about his potential run for president, she’d rather lie in bed and finish reading her book. His 14-year-old daughter, Zoey, isn’t much better. She hides in her bedroom with her shady girlfriends and tries to pretend her father doesn’t exist. The Nathan Decker love parade ends at his own doorstep.
The surprising thing is that this isn’t a case of a well-oiled political machine not knowing how to be there for his family. Nathan makes a strong effort to engage in the lives of his wife and daughter. But, they’re burned out on his schmoozing, his enchanting public persona. It’s all too much. During a tear-stained confession, Tracy tells him she doesn’t love him anymore. And on top of that, she can’t stand the selfish person their daughter has become. All she wants to do right now is get away from both of them. At this point, Nathan can’t deny it any longer. His marriage is a shambles. For the first time in his life, he has failed at something.
So, Nathan does what any heartbroken man would do. He gets drunk at a seedy bar and meets an attractive young woman in the ladies’ restroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds, but Nathan soon learns the media will take anything they can the wrong way. As you can guess, Nathan experiences a moment of weakness. He takes his new friend, Debbie, back to her motel room, where he proceeds to have the best sex he’s had in 10 years. But, in situations like this, happiness always seems to have consequences. The bartender tips off the paparazzi that Nathan’s putting the moves on someone who isn’t his wife. The incriminating photos get released nationwide and, within 48 hours, Nathan is a talkshow punchline. So, he resigns from his position in the Senate.
With his life in ruins, Nathan receives a call from his overbearing father, Bill, a former Speaker of the House, who suggests he come back to his hometown for a fresh start. Nathan agrees and takes his daughter, Zoey, with him to Doylestown, the place where he grew up. But it turns out nothing’s an easy fix. Zoey’s distraught over her parents’ looming divorce, and Bill’s furious that his son’s scandalous behavior has tarnished the family legacy. The only bright spot in Nathan’s life is his new job as a history teacher at the local high school. This is where he meets Joan Flaherty, another teacher, who helps him step out from his father’s shadow, and find his own way in the world.
Okay, let’s talk about why this script sold for $2 million. First and foremost, Nathan Decker is a character that A-list actors want to play. He’s active, talented, and likable. He also faces a problem that’s easy to relate to: public humiliation. Quite simply, this is the kind of character that could make any actor look good. Considering both Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck have looked at the script, it’s obvious there’s something memorable here. The best thing any writer can do is create characters that are irresistible. Once you’ve done this, you’re so much closer to having a script that everyone wants. Fogelman knows this; even his supporting players are treated with care. The cast is kept small, but nicely textured. You won’t see 15 characters introduced in the first three pages. But you will find a handful of well-drawn people, each of whom has a distinct voice. Not once did I confuse one person for another. That’s a classic sign of a writer who knows what he’s doing.
I also want to point out Fogelman’s mastery of structure and pacing. Nathan Decker is almost nothing but setups and pay offs. Just about every plot point and character quirk has a reason for existing, and there are no loose ends. If something is introduced in act I, you can bet you’ll see it again in act III. For example, before they meet each other in person, Joan sends a letter to Nathan’s government office, complaining about a dangerous intersection in desperate need of a traffic light. So, of course, in the third act, Nathan recklessly enters that same intersection and gets in a car accident. Another instance is when Bill expresses his disappointment in Nathan, by giving everyone in the room a huge serving of ice cream, except for Nathan. It struck me as a fatherly punishment, a reminder that, in Bill’s house, Nathan is still a child. But then later, when Bill finally forgives his son, he doesn’t give a sentimental speech about it. He just hands Nathan a big serving of ice cream and walks away. The moment is simple, visual, and effective. Other smart choices like this are sprinkled throughout, and they really enhanced the overall quality of the script.
As mentioned before, the pacing was truly a revelation. Fogelman has a great sense of when to speed things up or slow them down, depending on the story’s needs. There was almost no conflict in the first 15 pages, and that was okay because it was important to see Nathan at the top of the food chain. The better the man, the more powerful the tragedy when he falls. On the other hand, take notice of how fast Nathan met his one night stand. It happened about half a page after his marriage was over. And when Nathan and Debbie started talking in the bar, they got to know each other for eight pages, before they went back to the motel together. Fogelman knew the audience would need that extra time to accept Nathan falling for another woman, so they’d sympathize with him when things went badly. And it was great when Nathan resigned from the Senate, less than two pages after the one night stand. No detours, just straight to the good stuff. So, the lesson here is that each scene has it’s own rhythm. Some scenes are more effective if they linger just a bit, and then others work best by skipping the foreplay altogether. I loved that about this script.
There were a couple scenes that bothered me, though, and both of them were recycled from another Fogelman movie. At the climax, all three of Nathan’s women – the wife, the fling, and the teacher/love interest – show up at the big family dinner. It felt a little too reminiscent of the famous scene from Crazy, Stupid, Love, when all the separate love stories crashed together in the protag’s backyard. It didn’t work as well this time around, because there was no delicious pay off. There were no surprise connections between the characters. No revelations that made you reassess what you thought you knew about these people. So, the dinner scene here felt like a wasted opportunity. Also, Fogelman seems to have a weakness for ending scripts with a corny “Here’s What I Learned” speech. He did it in Crazy, Stupid, Love, and does it again here. The saving grace for Nathan is that he was a politician speaking at a city council meeting. So, the situation naturally allowed some leniency. But, if I never see another big finale speech in a Fogelman script, I’d be okay with that.
Otherwise, I thought this was a shining example of a mainstream comedy drama that could play well in the marketplace. It’s a crowd-pleaser that feels warm and light, like a loaf of bread baking in the morning. Can’t wait to see it on the big screen.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] Wasn’t for me
[ ] Worth the read
[X] Impressive
[ ] Genius
What I learned: If you want to sell scripts in Hollywood, a good way to do it is to find your niche and master it. Fogelman has had a lucrative career mainly from writing family comedies, and he rarely strays outside of his wheelhouse. That’s not to say you shouldn’t stretch beyond your comfort zone as a writer. But if you can come up with a mainstream story template that plays to your strengths, then you can create a brand name for yourself. It’s possible to develop an identifiable voice, by sticking to a special set of qualities that studios can associate with your work. If you become known as the go-to person for comedies or thrillers or whatever, then you could be one of the first writers that get called for an assignment. After all, isn’t it the brand names that have the longest careers in this business?
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Screenplay Review – Safety Not Guaranteed

Posted on April 9, 2012 | by admin

While you may not be able to go back in time and Twit-Pitch a better logline, you can head back in time with today’s screenplay, Safety Not Guaranteed.

Genre: Indie-Comedy
Premise: Based on a real ad, SNG is about a small-time group of journalists investigating an ad in the classifieds that states – “WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322 Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”
About: Yes, this story is based on a real ad. However, if I’m to understand it correctly, the rest of the script is completely made up. While the writer, Connolly, has a distant TV movie credit back in 2005, this seems to be his first “real” produced credit. Rising star Jake Johnson, along with the weird chick from Parks and Recreation, star. The film debuted at Sundance, where it was received well.
Writer: Derek Connolly
Details: 93 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 Jake Johnson

I like these scripts with pseudo-magical premises. I like that there’s the possibility of stuff we haven’t figured out yet or can’t understand. Shit, I even liked K-Pax with Kevin Spacey! Actually that’s not true. I liked it for 45 minutes and then it got stupid (“You’re an alien. No, you’re an abused child!” Uhh, what??). I guess what I’m saying is, I like the idea that there’s more out there and I enjoy movies that explore that possibility in a grounded way.

Which leads us to Safety Not Guaranteed, a whimsical little drama/comedy that feels like it was born inside Sundance’s womb, with the intention of playing there once then disappearing forever, kind of like that old Apple commercial that only played once during the Super Bowl.

The script starts out in disastrous territory, introducing us to our lead character, Darius. Now when I say “Darius,” tell me what the first image that comes to mind is. Is it a 13 year old Caucasian girl? Ding ding ding! If you guessed yes, you’d be correct! Except I know you didn’t. Because no intelligent person would. So I will make this plea for the 842,000th time. Do not give your female characters male names. And if you’re going to give them a name that’s usually popular in another ethnicity, you better have a darn good reason for why. It’s not clever. It’s confusing to the reader.

So yeah, right away, I was ready to kick this script’s ass. However, as I was putting on my ass-kicking boots, the story slowly started to rebound (how could it not? It started at such a low point). We learn that the now 22 year old Darius is an assistant at a weird but assumingly popular magazine where she’s desperate to move up. I like characters who want to move up. Makes them active. I stopped tying my boots.

As the employees gather to pitch their latest story ideas to the editor, one of the lead writers, 29-year-old Jeff, pitches his idea on a classified ad about a guy asking for a partner to go back in time with. The guy lives up the coast in a beach town called Ocean View, and he figures he could take a couple of assistants up there and interview the guy. The editor agrees so Jeff chooses Darius and the overtly shy Arnau.

On their way up, Darius pleas with Jeff to get her name on the article while Arnau sits in the back doing his best to look confused (something he’s very good at). Once we get there, we find out Jeff wasn’t interested in the story at all. He actually came here to reconnect with a girlfriend he hasn’t seen since childhood.

Darius is pissed that her boss is a fraud but it actually opens up a great opportunity, since she can now write the article herself. So she goes off to meet the mysterious adster, Kenneth, and finds him as weird as advertised. He’s a terribly awkward combination of autistic and paranoid, convinced that some Men in Black are on to him, trying to prevent him from his mission (just out of curiosity – Why do crazy people always think the government is after them? Is there a Crazy Handbook out there that requires this?).

Kenneth takes to Darius immediately and she goes along with it to get the story. But the more she gets to know him, the more she starts to understand him. He wants to go back in time to prevent a girl’s death. That hits close to home because Darius’s mother died a decade ago and she, too, wishes she could go back and save her.

The closer we get to the big jump, the closer the Men in Black dudes close in. Jeff and pointless Arnau start to question whether Darius has lost her mind because she’s actually starting to believe him. Oh, and then there’s Kenneth, racing around, stealing materials from local corporations, trying to finish up his time machine, which puts the community on high alert. This means they have to speed up the time table. And as the big launch approaches, everybody – the characters and us – are wondering, is this real? Or is Kenneth crazy?

Safety Not Guaranteed started out as one of those “trying too hard to be a hip indie comedy” films that make you laugh and groan in equal measure. Everybody wears a vintage sweater. Everybody’s ironic. And everybody has a perfect little quip in response to a line of dialogue. In other words, if films had necks, you’d want to strangle this one.

But then the screenplay stops trying to impress us and starts focusing on the characters. And when that happens, it actually gets pretty good. I really liked our heroine, Darius. I liked how she hid behind this wall, afraid to feel, afraid to show emotion. I like how she masked it by making fun of others. And I loved how that wall eventually began to drop as the story went on. A little Screenwriting 101 here. Walls are good! Characters who have walls give you a natural place to go with them (breaking those walls down). So add walls to your characters!

I also liked a lot of the choices the writer made, specifically how he wanted the story to remain ambiguous. For example, Kenneth is going back in time to save this girl. (Spoiler) Yet later, Jeff tells Darius he did some investigating and found out the girl Kenneth is going back to save is still alive. When Darius confronts Kenneth about this, he’s confused, but then starts to wonder, does that mean they already went back in time and succeeded? And it was at that moment that I really started to appreciate the script. It genuinely had you wondering – is this real or isn’t it?

I also liked Jeff’s journey. Jeff is clearly a ladies man whose flaw is that he only sees people from the outside. So when he finds the girl from his childhood who’s now… a lot bigger, he has to decide if he’s willing to make a commitment to someone he’s not attracted to. Watching him battle this and come to terms with his flaw was surprisingly touching.

But you can’t win them all, and the game of Anau was definitely lost. I mean could there be a more pointless character in screenplay history? I don’t know if they just wanted a funny Indian guy in the trailer or what but this character was a disaster. His goal was to get laid? Or something? Huh?

Really, that’s the only thing I didn’t like, well besides the Darius name thing of course. The only reason this doesn’t rank higher is because it carries that Sundance Indie tag that seems to limit a story’s ceiling. I can’t really explain it other than to say those movies only tend to be so enjoyable. And while I did enjoy this, I wouldn’t go out telling everybody they have to read it. Still, if you like this kind of story, you should definitely check it out. It’s pretty solid.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Beware the “show off” first act. Some writers feel it’s necessary in the first act to prove how good of a writer they are and therefore push too hard. It’s the equivalent of a first date where you’re trying realllllly hard to be funny or cool. It never comes off natural because you’re pressing. The best dates are when you just relax and be yourself. Your first act should be similar. Don’t try to impress anybody or prove that you’re a great writer (overly quirky dialogue, overly cute names, false “movie” moments). Just tell your story!

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Screenplay Review – Breyton Avenue (Guest Review)

Posted on March 20, 2012 | by admin

Peter Pan mixed with Lord Of The Flies mixed with…zombies? Sounds like an interesting little screenplay. Let’s find out if guest reviewer Amy Suto liked it…

Since I’m tired of giving you guys vague updates about my book, the site re-launch, and Twit-Pitch, I’m putting together an official schedule (with real dates!) that I plan to post this weekend. I’m like the U.S. Government. I’m posting about a post that I’ll make later. Heh heh. In the meantime, I’m bringing back guest reviewer Amy Suto, (who reviewed Celeste and Jesse Forever a month ago) to take on some zombie madness. Or, errr…are they zombies? I’m confused. You know what, I’ll just let Amy clear it up.

Premise (from IMDB): A group of teens living without adults and under their own social order in a small fenced-in neighborhood are forced to face what they fear is the inevitable physical danger beyond the fence.
Writer: J. Daniel Shaffer
About: This is Shaffer’s first writing credit. Breyton Avenue finished with 6 votes on the most recent Black List. I know Shaffer has written three drafts since this one, carefully chipping away at the script’s issues. I also know he’s been reading Scriptshadow forever and is very excited (and surprised) by all the love his script has gotten.
Details: 112 pages – undated.
This script starts out with a bang: eight year old Noah witnesses his parents die at the hands of a vampire/zombie hybrid that drinks his mother’s blood but, for an unexplained reason, leaves Noah and his brother, Sam, alive.
Noah wakes up from his nightmare, and we discover he’s living in an enclosed town where kids have banned together against the threat of these monsters – called the “Unwelcomes”. These Unwelcomes drink blood, but they can also infect others through… blood lesions or something? I’m not sure. The script was unclear about exactly what the lesions did, but I do know that if you get them, it’s not a good sign.
Noah is taking care of his younger brother, Sam, who is deaf. Not only does our protagonist win our sympathy because he lost his parents, but because Noah’s taken on the role of protecting his younger brother, that sympathy’s taken a step further.
We soon meet the others in the town. Marshall is the fearless leader who sets curfews and organizes the kids. Hawthorne is described as “pounds of muscle and wrath with a tribal tattoo on his neck” and is the obnoxious jerk who is engaged in a power struggle over Breyton Ave with Marshall. He’s the bully who slaps people around, and we know he’s a tough guy because he gives himself his own tattoos. Another standout character is simply known as, “The Boy Who Never Leaves” because… well… he never leaves his house. He stands in the window wearing a gas mask and writes foreboding sentiments on his window. Creeeeeepy.
Noah’s got the hots for Madeline, the sister of our resident abusive jerk, Hawthorne. He spends most of the script making awkward sexual advances that culminate in the two of them watching the stars on his roof as they are surrounded by fireflies.
After their night on the rooftop, Noah is chosen to go with Marshall and the others to gather supplies outside of the safety of their fenced-in neighborhood. They stop at a drug store, and, in a homage to Zombieland, find a whole bunch of Twinkies! One of the kids runs over and starts stuffing his bag with them. But wait, this is where things get weird: in the back of the store there’s some sort of hospital for the Unwelcomes! And they find other kids there – with tubes in them – who are still alive. The Unwelcomes attack the boys, and only Noah gets away. He makes his way back to Breyton Ave, and we are left with more unanswered questions. Why don’t the Unwelcomes kill kids? Are there more survivors outside of Breyton Ave? Are the Unwelcomes sick?
The script ends with a massive battle against the Unwelcome, and Noah’s younger brother Sam ends up saving the day by using his ability to communicate with the dead. Sam may be deaf, but he can hear the Unwelcome talking to him. In the end, Noah gives a speech to the remaining kids and they ride off into the sunset on a quest to seek out other communities of survivors.
This script is Lord of the Flies meets The Village: it’s intriguing in a way that makes your skin crawl, and it has a supernatural slant to it that makes it unique. The writing is solid, and the story is moving. This isn’t your average apocalyptic killfest. This apocalyptic killfest has heart. It’s poignant and gruesome and you just can’t shake it from your head.
What really jumps off of the page is the vivid atmosphere. The tone of the script is consistent. From the little touches (a wheel of an overturned bicycle slowly turning amongst a pile of abandoned toys) to the sweeping descriptions of the depravity of the state of the world, Breyton Ave is immersive and gripping.
This script is also set apart by the unique details and flourishes that Shaffer peppers in throughout the script. For example, the quote “Second star to the right, straight till morning” is scrawled on a wall in graffiti. For the uninitiated, the quote is an allusion to Peter Pan, and is ironic yet fitting: Breyton Avenue is a twisted dystopian Neverland where there are no parents – where children must fend for themselves against monsters that seek to destroy them. These subtle details are marks of a talented writer.
Marshall, who is the fearless leader and Noah’s mentor, had many memorable lines of dialog. His most profound words, which Noah repeats on the final page are: “You shouldn’t let death scare you, Noah. It can only grab you once, and you won’t remember. If there’s anything else after, well it didn’t really grab you, did it?” When your movie is extremely quotable, that means you’ve done your job in the dialog department.
Shaffer also understands that film is a visual medium, and the imagery within these pages is delightful: The fireflies. The close up on the coils of a light bulb. The spinning of a record player. The swarms of flies, which are a sign that Unwelcomes are near. On page 67 “a thick, wet, crunching bump” is heard when Noah runs over an Unwelcome with the bus. Can’t you just see that in your mind’s eye? Yeah. You’re welcome (or unwelcome).
The weakest part of the script had to be the character of Madeline. She’s described only as, “vulnerable and introverted and beautiful… And we know from Noah’s face that he is in love.” I may be biased, but only describing a female character as beautiful and vulnerable feels like a crutch. Especially because in the script, she repeatedly disproves this description. She speaks up in the meeting, declaring that girls should be able to go to the Gathering as well, and stands in Hawthorne’s way when he storms out. Her interactions with others likewise don’t suggest introversion: sure, her date with Noah does carry the awkwardness of teenage love, but she never seems particularly shy or withdrawn. She’s using aerosol as a flamethrower, she’s demanding to be included, she flirts with and teases Noah, yet she’s as passive as can be. Her sole purpose is to fill the love interest void. She doesn’t have any defining goals. I’m being nitpicky because she’s the only major female character in the story, and it’s frustrating to see these blank, aimless girl characters floating around. So, gentlemen, please do your female characters justice, and don’t forget to give them traits, flaws, and goals of their own.
Noah’s also not an active character, and is only reacting to what happens to him. Weakness is his flaw. He couldn’t do anything when his mother was killed, he can’t defend himself against Hawthorne. The sympathy generated by protecting his brother and losing his family offsets his passiveness to an extent, but I still expected him to step up when Marshall died, expected him to fill the leader void and fight off the invasion. But, alas, it was not to be. He rigged some traps in his house and his little brother saved the day. Sam was the star of the story, not Noah. Noah was more of the narrator, the everyman we can identify with. A vehicle for the story, not an actual character in it.
However, the plot was so strong that even two underdeveloped leads couldn’t slow it down. In a TED talk, J.J. Abrams said that writers must establish “mystery boxes” for their audience. You must present your viewers with questions they desperately want answered. In this script, new questions cropped up every twenty pages. Why did the Unwelcome leave Noah alive? Why does Sam hear voices? What is the Gathering? Who is the little girl? Are there any survivors left besides the kids? What about the boy who never leaves his house? What do his messages mean, and who are they for? This script reached page-turner status with all of these mysteries, and tied up all the loose ends nicely by the final fade out.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
WHAT I LEARNED
Create a sense of foreboding in your script right away. In Breyton Avenue, there’s the boy wearing the gas mask who writes warnings on the window, the upcoming Gathering expedition, the voices Sam hears, and the dead animals that repeatedly show up around town. These events hint at something big happening, and the story holds our attention. One of the most important aspects of storytelling is making a promise to your readers that your story is worth their time, and Breyton Avenue does a fantastic job of building the suspense and anticipation leading up to the final battle through the ominous set-ups in acts one and two.
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Screenplay Review – The DUFF (Guest Review)

Posted on March 13, 2012 | by admin

Today’s screenplay asks that eternal pestering question that never seems to go away no matter how hard you try. No, not “What is the meaning of life?” But “Are you a DUFF (a designated ugly fat friend)?”

I’m sure all of you are just as devastated as I am that Ben picked Courtney, but I figure we’ll get over it at some point.  In the meantime, I’m calling on my British buddy Anthony Jackson to write us today’s review.  He’s madly in love with teen high school movies so he’s the perfect reviewer for this material. Editing the Scriptshadow Book continues to occupy all of my free time but hopefully it will pay off soon!  Also, Twit-Pitch (pitch me your script on Twitter) IS coming, so be ready.  It’s still probably 2-3 weeks away and will happen on a Saturday, so you better be finishing those scripts of yours!  I’ll have plenty of announcements on the site as it gets closer.  But for now, I’ll let Anthony take over…

GENRE: Teen Romantic Comedy
PREMISE: An “invisible” high school girl discovers that she is the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) and sets out to change things up for the homecoming dance.
ABOUT: CBS films acquired this property last year. Writer Josh Cagan has previously had success with the teen film, BandSlam. DUFF also made its way into last year’s Black List, finishing near the bottom of the pack with 6 votes.
WRITER: Josh A. Cagan. Based on the novel by Kody Keplinger
DETAILS: 103 pages – 2011 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

American teen comedies are my guilty pleasure. Growing up in England, me and my best friend spent far too much time watching and re-watching American Pie, Road Trip, Slackers, even Get Over It (that weird movie with Sisqo. We were big fans of the Thong Song too).
I live in California now and having attended an American college for a year and discovered that teen parties are waaaay better on film that in real life, I’ve cast aside my doe-eyed reverence of all things teen and adopted a much more critical eye… which is a fancy way of saying that even though I know teen movies are totally unrealistic I still watch and love them. So I opened up DUFF hoping to be transported to that wonderful movie world of jocks, nerds, hot babes, cool parties and, of course, ridiculous teen sex lives. Was I disappointed? Let’s check out the plot first…
Bianca is a seventeen-year-old girl who doesn’t conform to the high school pressures of looking and acting cool. She doesn’t wear make-up. She’s a straight-A student. She shops at thrift stores (and not in a cool hipster way). However, these social faux pas do not prevent her from having two extremely hot and cool friends: Jessica (super-model style) and Casey (indie-rock hot librarian). When Bianca’s not managing her hot friends’ calendars, she likes to take some time out to spy on the dreamy Toby; a feminist dude who plays guitar and wears leather.
Bianca tags along with Jessica and Casey to a party and is approached by the school quarterback and overall clichéd dumb hot guy, Wesley. You see that even though Bianca isn’t cool enough to feature on anyone’s radar, she conveniently lives next door to Wesley so that he actually knows her name. More than that he wants her help. He needs intel on Jessica and Casey. Bianca explains that it’s not her job to dole out info on her best friends to perverts so Wesley, subtle as an autistic six year old, informs Bianca that it is actually her job because she’s a DUFF. She’s there to make her hot friends look hotter and assist in other hot people getting access to them. He tries to numb the sucker punch by highlighting all the other DUFFs at the party, male and female, but the damage is done.
After much soul-searching, Bianca decides to test Wesley’s theory and ignores Jessica and Casey. Sure enough, without those two around, she quickly becomes invisible. Bianca tries to make the most out of this invisibility, doing and dressing however she wants, but ultimately what she wants is to ask Toby to homecoming. However, because she’s spent all of high school assisting Jessica and Casey, she’s never developed the social skills to actually talk to him. So she returns to dim-witted Wesley, who is failing science and facing the prospect of being kicked off the football team, and suggests a deal. He teaches her to be social and she’ll make sure he passes science. But will their deal develop into something more and will Bianca ever be able to kick the label “DUFF?”
The concept behind DUFF is actually pretty good. It takes a well-worn teen staple – the ugly ducking transformation – and puts a new spin on it. There’s a clever line in the movie where Wesley tells Bianca that every group has a DUFF and if you don’t know who it is then it’s probably you. This idea is the foundation for the story. Bianca has no idea how much of a mess she is and this gets our sympathy. High school kids are cruel. However, having created this new angle on a familiar story, DUFF goes on to tell a terribly clichéd and uninspired tale. I’m talking every teen movie beat/scene you’ve ever watched. A dressing room ‘let’s try on new styles’ montage. The ‘catch my crush with the girl I hate’ chestnut. All leading up to the, you guessed it, dramatic finale at the school dance. These clichés can work if you put a new spin on them (look at Easy A or Mean Girls) but DUFF plays them straight and it suffers for it.
The cliché also drips into the characters. Wesley as the dumb jock is almost painful. Cagan actually tries to do something different halfway through the script, revealing Wesley’s dorky side. This becomes one of the ways he and Bianca connect but there is something very manufactured about the whole thing. The attempt to round him out falls short because I don’t buy that this is his character. One minute he’s punching out anyone who says anything bad about Bianca and the next he’s moping about being with the school hot girl because “that’s what he’s supposed to do.” I’m sorry but I can’t feel sorry for a guy with these kinds of problems and if I can’t empathize then this kind of movie collapses.
Bianca is better as the smart and sarcastic protagonist but even this gets old. It’s almost as if it’s accepted that if someone is not physically attractive then they have to be witty. Her goal of asking out Toby is reached pretty quickly but is dealt with well as it is used to springboard the story to the bigger question; can Bianca comes to terms with who she is. This issue is actually dealt with pretty well but it certainly doesn’t re-make the wheel.
Another major issue with script is tone. I called it a ‘Teen Movie’ in the introduction but ‘Tween Movie’ might be a better description. Cagan’s previous film, BandSlam, looks to be exactly this (I admit, I haven’t seen it). DUFF revolves around a group of seventeen year olds but their dialogue and actions feel much younger. It’s a diluted high school where no one curses and although sex may be hinted at, making out is as far as anything ever goes. The tone affects some of the story choices and certainly the ending (I won’t spoil it but needless to say everything gets wrapped up with a bow on it). There’s nothing wrong with this type of movie and they’re certainly popular… but when I read the logline for DUFF I was expecting something closer to Easy A and what I got was High School Musical without the music.
I don’t want to completely bash the script because despite its childish tone and cliché choices, there was some clever stuff. Cagan uses some cool stylistic techniques to suggest the social media influence in high school, and I can definitely see that stuff being utilized. The side-plot with Bianca’s Mom, who uses the five stages of grief to counsel people on any problem (loss of pet, male baldness etc), was funny and incorporated into the story well.
Ultimately though, DUFF is not something me, or my younger seventeen year-old self, could ever watch and think “Wow, I want to be somewhere like that”… which is really all a teen movie needs to achieve.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I Learned: Beware of false advertising. It’s been said before on this blog but it’s definitely worth reiterating. Tell the story you pitch. This means plot, characters AND tone. The term Designated Ugly Fat Friend is obviously mean and a little crude and suggests that what will follow will also be mean and a little crude. DUFF was almost the opposite of that. If the script had been called ‘The Invisible Girl,’ I would have had a completely different set of expectations and may have possibly been less frustrated with the outcome. (Carson note: This “What I Learned” is heartily endorsed by Carson!)
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Screenplay Review – The Driver (Guest Review)

Posted on March 6, 2012 | by admin

Is recent screenplay sale “The Driver” the driving movie that confused “Drive” moviegoers were desperately expecting?

So my book is finished. The problem is, editing takes a lot longer when you’re dealing with a book than when you’re dealing with a script! But we’re still on target for a late March release. I was going to make it April 1st, but I figured I’d be opening myself up to WAAAAY too many jokes, heh heh. And since I’m planning for this book to be the most helpful screenwriting book ever written, I couldn’t risk that. So late March it is! For those wondering about Twit-Pitch, we’re still working on it, but I’m thinking it could happen within the next 2-3 weeks. So finish those scripts! In the meantime, because this stuff is keeping me busy, the Tuesday guest reviews will continue. Today we have Aussie Gary Murphy taking a crack at a recent spec sale, The Driver. Enjoy!

Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Premise: David Weaver is on his way to work when he finds a stranger tied up in the trunk of his car, along with a bomb and a cellphone. What started out as a simple commute to the office ends up as a fight to save his own life and that of his family.
About: This script was picked up in December by Voltage films (The Hurt Locker) and according to IMDB is in pre-production. Spenser Cohen, one of the writers, is slated to direct what appears to be his first feature.
Writers: Zach Luna and Spenser Cohen
Details: This review is based on the July 2011 draft.  Since it was written I have read a later draft dated January 2012.  Very little has changed in that draft other than changing city locations.
The last script I read was Origin Of A Species, a script where absolutely nothing happens for 50 pages, so it was fairly weird to then pick up a script where the action does not stop – I mean literally it does not stop – for a single beat. I honestly cannot remember the last script I read that never had a single moment to pause, especially like this one where the lead character is in every single scene.
I decided to read The Driver because I knew absolutely nothing about it, not even a log-line. Not knowing what the script is about is a rare enough treat that I thought I would give it a go and see where it took me. For an idea of where it did take me, if you imagine a mash-up between ‘Phone Booth’ and ‘Collateral’, with a little bit of Reservoir Dogs and The Usual Suspects thrown in, then you would not be far off.
It begins with our hero, David Weaver, a guy about to give the most important presentation of his career and desperate to get to work on time. We first meet him at breakfast with wife, Samantha, and two young daughters. He drops his kids off at school and then continues on his way to work. But on the way he hears a strange noise coming from his trunk. When he pulls over and opens the trunk, he is slightly surprised to find a guy tied up in there. Not just a guy though, because attached to his jacket is a cellphone. Mega-confusion. And not just from David either. The guy in the trunk seems just as confused.
The phone rings and a “Woman’s voice” informs David that he is not just carrying an extra passenger but also a rather large bomb – David checks it out , he sees wires and stuff – its true! – this is getting serious.
David’s told he has thirty minutes to drive to an address and wait for further instructions. No police, no funny business, or the bomb will detonate and kill them both. David’s obviously seen these kinds of films before because he doesn’t need to be told twice.
Anyway, after an eventful drive that includes the obligatory traffic cop stop scene (which sees David get a ticket for running a red light) he finally makes it to his first destination. As soon as he pulls over, a guy dressed in a suit (called “Suit”) climbs into the back of the car and gives David the next address. He too has a phone and appears to be getting his instructions by text message.
We then have another drive across L.A. with some brief chitter chatter as more of the mystery unfolds before us. Next they pick up a Russian guy (called “Russian”) followed by another drive across L.A. and the pick-up of a guy named “Duffle Bag” (I’ll let you guess what he’s carrying).
None of these guys seem to know each other, and although little is actually said, it’s clear that they are all like David, following instructions on their cellphones. What follows is a script full of twists and turns and while the direction it takes is not always a huge surprise, it is fresh and different enough to be an enjoyable and quick read.
I loved both Phone Booth and Collateral.  I remember both times I read the scripts before I saw the films and thought both were among the best scripts I’d ever read. Mainly because they were exactly what I have been trying to come up with myself – a simple edge-of-your-seat thriller with limited characters and locations.
From a screenwriting point of view, while the script has its faults, it has an awful lot going for it as well. A stand out and something I know is close to Carson’s heart is that every scene had a sense of urgency – literally the clock was always ticking, to the point where it was impossible to put the script down. Something was always happening.
Also, 90% of this script takes place in a single location, David’s car, and it meant that the writers really had to nail the characters. I think they did a pretty decent job of it. We got a fairly good understanding of David, who has a crappy job and obviously cares a lot about his family. The Driver never pretends to be a character study, but enough time is put into the characters to keep us involved.
What I really loved, though, was the three supporting characters, I thought they were brilliantly written and really made the difference between an average script and one worth the read. All three stood out as completely different, so much so that their very character traits were the source for much of the drama.
I loved how they were named, and it certainly goes back to last week’s script, ‘Run all Night,’ where one of my issues (and I know many others too) was keeping track of who was who. While there was nowhere near the number of characters here, it was still a stroke of genius to not give them real names. I guess this only works when your characters don’t have real names in the dialogue, so it’s not very often you’d get to do it, but here it worked brilliantly and I think really played a part in how easily and naturally the action kept flowing.
I did notice one potential plot hole in The Driver, and something that bugged me a bit. What would have happened had David been playing music in the car and not heard the banging in the trunk? Surely he would have just driven to work? That did confuse me and I thought the final twist explained it, but looking back again, I’m not sure that it does.
Anyway, questions aside, this was a very good script which I enjoyed reading.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: If your characters don’t need names then don’t give them names. Calling them something that alludes to a key character trait or physical feature makes so much more sense. This script has a good flow and stopping to remember which one was “Anthony” only serves to pull me out of the script.
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