Genre: Dramedy
Premise: Semi-autobiographical look at a man who finds out he has cancer. Coping with his mortality, he decides to use humor in his struggle to cure cancer and keep his sanity intact.
About: Just last week, Seth Rogen announced this will be his next project. Mandate pictures and Seth himself will be producing (along with Evan Goldberg). James McAvoy is attached to play the lead. What might explain Rogen jumping from the cancer-themed “Funny People” to another movie that centers around the disease, is that Seth is friends with Will Reiser, the writer, and was there with him while he dealt with the disease (it may also explain why the friend’s character name is “Seth”). “I’m With Cancer” also finished 9th in voting on last year’s Black List with 24 votes.
Writer: Will Reiser

Today is sort of a monumental day at Scriptshadow because it’s the first review from someone completely outside the industry. This person has no aspirations whatsoever of being a part of the movie business.The extent of their involvement is going to see movies and that’s it. So what are they doing reviewing a script on Scriptshadow? Let me try and explain. My really good friend who I’ve known for fifteen years now, Carmen Rossi, has breast cancer. So when I decided to review “I’m With Cancer”, I thought it would be an interesting idea to get her perspective on it. I was a little reluctant about approaching her at first but as soon as I mentioned it, she was immediately game. I remember the day she told me the news and how sick and scared I felt. I told her she could write whatever she wanted. No restrictions. Just tell us what she thought . So, this is Carmen Rossi’s review of “I’m With Cancer.”

I have cancer.

I found out one week after my birthday. To say I went into shock upon hearing the news would be the understatement of the century. I’m not old. Cancer doesn’t run in my family. I’m a good person. When I took my life insurance health exam two years ago I was rated “Preferred Plus No Nicotine” which is, like, the healthiest you can be—essentially I was as healthy as a marathon runner. So yes, I totally went into shock when I heard the news. But once it finally sunk in, I realized that I could cry about it or I could laugh about it. I chose to laugh about it and continue to do so.

When I heard about “I’m With Cancer” I wanted to read it out of personal curiosity. I wanted to read what a comedy about cancer was all about. That, and I wanted to try out my new Kindle (which I love, btw).

Adam Schwartz is a normal, ordinary guy. He enjoys his job, loves his girlfriend and complains too much. Out of the blue, at age 25, Adam’s diagnosed with cancer. There’s nothing too distinctive about Adam. He could be anyone. Which is the whole point. What happens to Adam could truly happen to anyone. “I’m With Cancer” is semi-autobiographical, and Reiser draws upon his experience with a cancer diagnosis at a young age, and the battle he went through, to present the story. Following the rule of “write what you know,” Reiser perfectly captures the emotional aspects of the story—from the apprehension of telling people about the cancer, to the varied reactions the news elicits and how these affect the character.

“I’m With Cancer” takes us along on Adam’s physical and emotional journey to happiness and acceptance. We’re with Adam in the stark hospital room when he receives his diagnosis, we’re with him as he shares the news with family and friends. We’re with him through chemotherapy, relaxation therapy and laughter therapy. We’re with him as the drugs designed to kill the cancer cells also kill the healthy cells and his physical appearance deteriorates. We’re there as he receives more and more bad news, and plans his own funeral arrangements. And then we’re with him when he has an emotional catharysis and complete transformation.

Being diagnosed with cancer, particularly unexpectedly and at a young age, is the most traumatic event you can experience. As someone who’s experienced a fair number of traumatic events in her life, take my word on this. But one thing you learn is that while the cancer may reside only in *your* body, it affects everyone around you. A positive attitude and a good support system can get you through it. I have an amazing support system of family and friends. Adam has…well, Adam has a smothering mother, a stroke victim father, Seth, his pothead jokester of a best friend (who uses Adam’s condition to score chicks), and Rachel, Adam’s girlfriend of four months. While they all care about Adam, none of them are really able to handle all that comes along with a cancer diagnosis, and Adam forms new relationships with those that understand his situation more—specifically, his fellow chemo patients and his psychologist.

While the principal story is that of Adam’s transformation, we also see a transformation in Seth—in between his wisecracks, he’s a concerned friend terrified of what may happen—and in Rachel, who simply cannot handle Adam’s condition or his needs, and lets him down time and time again. While not a traditional laugh out loud comedy, “I’m With Cancer” approaches a serious disease with humor and light-heartedness. But to those who know people who have died from cancer, I fear the tone of the story may be off-putting and come across as flippant and disrespectful. It’s not, but cancer evokes a lot of emotion in people and personal experiences will most definitely play into one’s interpretation of this story.

Once Adam decides to go through chemotherapy to fight the cancer, he quits his job at the museum, and his co-workers throw a going-away party for him. Without question, the main and only topic of discussion among all the party attendees is Adam’s cancer. Through short snippets of conversation, we see the co-workers react to Adam’s health—from the guy who asks if he’s wearing a wig, to the woman who advocates natural healing and a diet of only green foods , to the woman crying in hysterics—each are portrayed in an honest and sincere way. (Responses to me ran this gambit and beyond, and just this morning I received an email from a friend praising asparagus is a miracle food to defeat cancer cells.)

It’s a funny scene. But it’s also a perfect example of what concerns me about this script. I find it hilarious because I’m a young person with cancer. Will someone who doesn’t have cancer find it funny? Will they feel uncomfortable laughing at it? What about someone whose mom died of cancer? Is cancer something that’s so sacred we can’t laugh about it? My grandparents would never say the word aloud, and if it was uttered, it was whispered as if saying it would bring it upon them. But that was then. Now, we have high-profile athletes and celebrities who fight their cancer battles in public. We have cancer walks and fundraisers in which survivors proudly stand tall and tell their stories.

But is it something people are comfortable seeing on the screen? There is humor in this movie. The character of Seth (to be played by Seth Rogen. It was hard to read the part and NOT imagine Seth Rogen playing the Seth character, in part because it reads like every role Seth Rogen has played) provides comic relief, as does Adam’s stereotypical Jewish mother. But is it enough to balance the scenes where Adam’s in the Chemotherapy room? Where you visibly see his health deteriorate until he’s a shadow of his former self? When he starts making his funeral preparations?

To help cope with the emotional aspects of his disease, Adam sees a psychologist. During their first meeting, the psychologist says: “The first thing I want you to do is to stop looking at cancer as a burden. Cancer has come into your life to show you that your emotional and physical bodies are out of balance. This is your chance to correct that.” Adam completely dismisses her advice. But as his ordeal continues, these words shape his life, and in the end, he ends up both emotionally and physically content, and in balance.

Reiser does a great job of telling Adam’s story in a realistic and accurate voice. The story progresses at a great pace, and I feel there is a good balance between the humorous scenes and the more tragic scenes. Reiser nails the details, like the doctor who speaks as though everyone has a medical degree and understands what a schwannoma neurofibrosarcomas is. He illustrates the paralyzing fear Adam has about Rachel with eerie accuracy—the cancer diagnosis is too much for Rachel to handle and they drift apart. Though it’s obvious she doesn’t love him and the relationship is over, Adams’s fear of being alone and the disbelief that he can ever find anyone to love him while he has cancer, keeps them together. And breaks my heart.

But Adam’s story ends as I know mine will—with the cancer gone and a life full of love, happiness and the things that really matter.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

Genre: Psychological (Supernatural?) Thriller
Premise: A ballerina competes against a rival dancer who may or may not be another version of herself.
About: Black Swan will star drool-worthy starlets Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis and is being helmed by visionary director Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky originally tried to set up the project in 2007 but Universal put it in turnaround. Thanks to “The Wrestler” doing so well though, Portman twirled onto the project a couple of months ago and everything’s been full steam ahead since.
Writer: Mark Heyman (original script by John McLaughlin)
Details: 131 pages – March 25, 2009 draft.

Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless?

Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex.

Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We’re talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. Yeah so…this movie is already on the must-see list of 2010. But how good is it? Does the story that surrounds the sex disappoint or excel?

Black Swan is a very intriguing story with a quiet slow burn. So slow, in fact, that I nearly lost interest halfway through it. Heyman focuses on the tiniest of things. The way shoes sound as they click against the pavement. The way a slight breeze tussles at your hair. You know how as film evolved, we’ve been encouraged to cut out all the meaningless stuff? For example, instead of showing a character walk from their house to the train, we should just cut to the train? Yeah, Heyman doesn’t do that. If someone needs to walk somewhere, we walk with them. And after awhile, it really begins to test your patience. And if you’re looking for the culprit in the 131 page screenplay length, that’s where you’ll find him. But it’s pretty clear these are the moments Aronofsky is interested in in Black Swan. He wants you living every second of this character’s life, lulling you into a sense of security so that you get used to the mundane. That way when the extraordinary happens, it slams into you like an SUV.

Nina is a ballerina in one of New York City’s top ballet companies. She appears to be the only sweet girl of the bunch however, as it’s established early on that these companies are packed with jackals, every seemingly sweet-natured princess scheming to backstab the girl next to her if only it gets her one rung higher on the ladder. High School’s got nothing on these bitches. Nina’s sorta friend, Beth, who has been the school’s running lead in all the productions, is nearing the end of her career, and everyone’s gunning to take her place in the next big ballet: Swan Lake.

The lead role is the part of Odette, the Swan Queen. The role is complicated by the fact that the ballerina must be able to play both sweet, the “White Swan,” and dark, the “Black Swan”. It is the ultimate challenge. Of course, Nina has the white swan down. But does she have the darkness to nail the Black Swan?

The director of the production is the handsome but sinister Yevna. He sees something in Nina but before he gives her the part, he wants to speak with her privately. It is there, in his office, that he pries into Nina’s mind, searching for her dark side, even going so far as to force a kiss on her. But it’s unclear whether Yevna is trying to seduce Nina or simply seeing how she’ll react. As the sweet polite girl she is. Or as the raging disturbed woman she will have to be. In the end, Nina is given the role. But it’s clear Yevna has doubts as to if she can pull it off.

As the days go by and Nina searches desperately to find her darkness, she begins noticing another girl around town and at the ballet company who looks exactly like her. But not just “exactly.” We’re talking identical. Yet every time Nina tries to get close, the girl turns away or hides her face. Finally, Nina meets this mysterious doppelganger after rehearsal. Her name is Lily. And while she definitely looks like Nina, she’s by no means an identical replica. Was it Nina’s imagination perhaps?

Whereas Nina is calculated about every move she makes, Lily is the opposite – uncaring and uninterested in perfection. Everything she does seems so…effortless. The two begin a tepid friendship, one which Nina is constantly trying to pull away from. But while she is afraid of Lily, she is also drawn to her in some way. And then there’s those strange fleeting moments where Lily looks exactly like her.

As they get closer to production, Nina’s world starts to spin out of control as Lily befriends Yevna and continues to move up the ballet company ladder. The girls will go out, get drunk, and Nina will show up at rehearsal late the next day only to find that Lily is standing in for her. Is Lily scheming to steal her role as the Swan Queen? Or is Nina making this all up in her head in order to find her dark side? That is the ultimate question.

As in all Aronofsky movies, there are some controversial moments. In one scene, Nina basically gets raped by Yevna. It’s cold and off-putting, and yet it’s an important moment as it demonstrates just how high the stakes are in this seemingly innocent world. The script is steeped in darkness (surprise surprise) and makes you feel so uncomfortable at times that you can’t read it without constantly resituating yourself.

Black Swan is an interesting read. As I mentioned before, it takes its time. But if there’s any director who knows how to make the quiet moments work, it’s Aronofsky. He’s rarely boring as a director. Much has been made of the “supernatural” aspect of Black Swan, with some even comparing it to, “The Others.” (one of my favorite scary films btw) But I never saw it that way. To me it was clear that Nina was always imagining her relationship with Lily. I never doubted that Lily was real. But I believe Nina made up the more elaborate aspects of their friendship in order to discover her dark side. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a talking point of the film after its release, which, if the film is good, will surely help word of mouth and repeat business.

As a screenplay, I thought Black Swan was good. It definitely could’ve moved faster and I would’ve preferred we get some answers sooner instead of being strung along with weird unexplained moment after weird unexplained moment. After awhile that just gets exhausting. But the feel of the story is just so original. It’s not quite like anything I’ve read or seen before. If you like your scripts dark and moody, check out Black Swan for sure.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Don’t be afraid to explore the details in your screenplay if they help tell the story. It’s okay to create mood and atmosphere. Just make sure you don’t go overboard with it. I don’t think Black Swan would have a prayer on the spec market because it’s just sooooooooo slow at times. But some movies require you to indulge in the seemingly mundane things. That’s fine if you know when to stop.

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Guess who’s back? Back again. Guess who’s back. Tell a friend! It’s Roger Balfour capitalizing on all the vampire mania with a review of Bubba Ho-Tep’s sequel: Hubba Bubba Something’s In The Tubba! Or something like that. I like when Roger reviews scripts because he always sees the best in them. It’s a reminder that I can be a bit too critical at times (not that I’ll change). Anyway, the good news is I’ve already read this week’s scripts, and while I’ve ranked a certain upcoming action-comedy-romance a strong ‘worth the read’, there is a 1.75 million dollar comedy spec from a few years back that was absolutely dreadful. I also have a dark psychological supernatural thriller that may be starring two gorgeous actresses. And finally a black list entry from 2006 that should get supporters of films like “The Squid And The Whale” and “Rachel Getting Married” excited (if they’re not too hopped up on anti-depressents that is). And hey, we should have a couple of script links as well. If I may quote Anakin Skywalker: “Yipeeee!” So let’s start it off with a little vampire action, shall we? Take it away Roger…

Genre: Horror, Black Comedy
Premise: Elvis shoots a film in Louisiana when he runs afoul a coven of she-vampires.
About: The sequel to 2004’s Bubba Ho-tep.
Writer: Don Coscarelli & Stephen Romano. Based on character by Joe R. Lansdale.

Bruce Campbell. As Elvis. Fighting She-Vampires.

Let’s get real, people.

You already know if you’re going to like this or not. You either loved Bubba Ho-tep or you hated it.

Wait.

Bruce Campbell has parted ways with the project? Pump the fucking brakes. Who the hell can bring the same classy B-movie gravitas to the role of the King? Who else can possibly bring a legendary Horror hero pedigree to the table other than the chinned-one?

Ron Perlman, that’s who.

Okay. So Campbell is out. Perlman is in. Campbell left over creative differences and writer changes. Giamatti is fucking in, as they say, to play Colonel Tom Parker. And this yarn sets up the third film.

Yep, Bubba Insert Classic Horror Creature Here is a trilogy. And writer-director Don Coscarelli envisions different actors playing Elvis for each sequel.

But didn’t Elvis die at the end of Bubba Ho-tep?

Yeah, and The Lone Ranger died when you saw him and Silver fly off the cliff during the last commercial break.

This is the serialized pulp story template. Heroes don’t die. They survive. Their living-legend status has equipped them to asexually reproduce new adventures. Or in Elvis’ case, another geriatric black comedy romp into the woods of Hammer Horror staples and EC-comic shenanigans.

So, nope. Of course Elvis didn’t die.

In fact, Bubba Nosferatu starts off right as Ho-tep ends. Cut to Nurse Ella in her bed, awakened by the death rattle of a four-thousand year old Mummy. She runs out of the Shady Rest retirement home, down an embankment and into the creek where Sebastian Haff, aka Elvis, lies in his soiled white jumpsuit, unconscious.

Nope. Ella ain’t gonna let him leave the building just yet. She straddles his chest and performs CPR, resuscitating the King back to life.

But during his near-death experience, instead of seeing a white light, he sees a horrible montage of suppressed memories…

A gold-plated revolver.

A flash of a demon vampire’s sharp teeth.

A spray of blood as faces twitch and contort in agony.

And the center-piece to this sequential Boschian tableau, the diabolical countenance of Colonel Tom Parker. Who will now be referred to as “The Colonel” from here on out.

Seventy-three year old Elvis wakes up in the back of Nurse Ella’s car. We learn that Elvis has been kicked out of Shady Rest. After all, he did give an actual sworn statement to the authorities stating that he battled a supernatural creature, and the resulting clash of iconic characters left behind a corpse. That of his only friend, eighty-three year old Jack “JFK” McLaughlin. Ella has been fired. We never find out why, exactly, but what the hell, the Devil’s in the details, right?

They’re on their way to The Big Easy. Ol’ Tiger has been transferred, and Nurse Ella has been tasked to deliver Big E to The Grand Dauphin Retirement Home in New Orleans, right on the waterfront, in exchange for a week’s worth of room and board while she looks for a new job. For her, the barter’s just fine.

But thing’s ain’t so fine for The Pelvis. There’s some real bad mojo, you see. It has to do with a movie picture Elvis got bamboozled into by The Colonel back in ’73. A picture that shot on location in The Crescent City. And Elvis has good reason to be suspicious because, according to his fragmented memories, some really weird vampiric shit went down on this movie shoot.

But hold on, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

I want to talk about The Memphis Mafia. Now here’s a sequence, 8 pages into the script, that had me crying in front of the computer screen. It’s so great I wanted the movie to de-rail and turn into a story about these goofy fuckers. We get the vital stats of Otis Flanger, Cooter Mayhew, Shelby Jenson, and Marshal “Stack” Malone via glorious slow-motion, majestic freeze-frames, and multiple-split screens showcasing these curious characters in various out-fits and poses like we’re watching the titles to a 1970’s-era Cop Show.

They face off against Young Elvis, who sports his stylish, red-trimmed Martial Arts Gi. Of course, his T.C.B. insignia (Taking Care of Fucking Business to the ignorant) is emblazoned on the uniform. They get their asses handed to them. But you know, if you’re elite enough to be in the Memphis Mafia, you know that the unspoken rule is never let Elvis lose. And the sequence segues into what Elvis likes to call the Three-up Cover Formation. Which is a dazzling whirling-dervish of Young Elvis and his team attacking all flanks with punches and kicks and really intense 70’s soundtrack theme music. It’s classic martial arts stuff that comes into play later…when Young Elvis and the Memphis Mafia have to fight their way out of a she-vampire bloodbath slash orgy.

Yep, that part’s pretty awesome.

What about the rest of the story?

Rehash the plot of the first movie. Septuagenarian Elvis arrives at his new rest home. He’s frustrated about the boil he mistakes for cancer on his penis. He smears it with yellow dick goop. He exchanges witty banter with Nurse Ella about said dick and goop. Old people die mysteriously. Instead of flying scarab beetles elderly Elvis does battle with flying vampire bats. Instead of a tragicomical black dude who claims to be JFK, we have a tragicomical Native American dude who claims to be Chief Sitting Bull, leader of the Sioux Nation and slayer of General Custer.

Sure, he’s a neat character. After his role at Little Bighorn, The Chief joins Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. When a Paiute medicine man has a heart attack, Mr. Bull attempts to help him. The shaman is at death’s door, and he calls on The Great Spirit to bless him with eternal life. There’s a mix-up and Sitting Bull, instead of the medicine man, is struck by lightning. The Great Spirit has infused him with immortality. That’s right, The Chief can’t die.

Which comes in pretty handy for Elvis, because, let’s face it, he’s an old dude with a walker who will later engage in fisticuffs with she-vampires from an ancient Clan. He’s gonna need muscle like Sitting Bull.

But unfortunately for Sitting Bull, his blessing has become a curse as he’s spent the past 97 years being shuffled across old-folks homes all across the continent.

Anyways, it turns out that The Colonel employed some of his manipulative mojo to have Elvis transferred to The Grand Dauphin.

What the hell? The Colonel’s still alive?

Alive isn’t really the right word. Now, “undead”, that’s about right. Just like we’ve always known, Elvis’ manager is a vampire.

Here, have some of The Chief’s peyote buttons and let’s talk to the spirits. See who the real bad guy is.

You see, back in the 1940’s, while The Colonel was just a man, he fled Amsterdam under the suspicion of murder. He ingratiates himself into a family of rogue gypsies to learn his trade as a swindler. Except, one night, he attempts to dip the pockets of the wrong man. Prince Franz Black is his name, and being a vampire is his game. The Colonel is eventually turned and made a slave to Prince Black, under whom he sets up shop. He’s kept on a short leash by The Prince. His job is that of plunderer. He helps finance the Clan’s western expansion. He makes a killing investing in retirement communities, which also serve as way-stations for Black and his entourage where they can visit and feed on the livestock as needed.

But The Colonel’s first love is the music business.

And Elvis is his work-horse. But when his work-horse partially falls out of the limelight, it becomes time to insert some much-needed juice into his top earner’s career. He gets the fancy to orchestrate the King’s comeback into the movie business. Only problem is, it turns into a bloodbath.

What’s the new Elvis movie?

It’s called “The Curse of the She-Vampires”. And Elvis is gonna play a freelance demon hunter who moonlights as a nightclub singer to rid the world of vampires. His co-star is Claude Killgore, a third of the Unholy Triumvirate that included Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

The production goes to hell as Prince Black’s wives crash the party, unable to contain their bloodlust. Young Elvis dons his black leather jumpsuit designed by the meet-cute art-department girl, Jill. It’s a real beauty. Taken from the template of his ’68 comeback suit, it’s crafted into a vamp-proof, reinforced leather outfit. It’s actually fang-proof, kiddies. Armed with a gold-plated revolver, brass knuckles, throwing stars, and blades, and with the Memphis Mafia as back-up, they fight their way out of the blood orgy.

But during the blood riot Elvis is attacked by one of the wives. She attempts to bite him and she actually breaks a fang on the suit, but the other fang scrapes his flesh. He’s inflicted with a curse when he’s in proximity to the clan, so when Old Elvis gets to New Orleans, he starts to regress in age. He gets a little younger, kinda like Benjamin Button, but not that full-throttle. The curse seems to be a minor detail in the story, as it’s not really played to full-effect.

So Young Elvis, The Memphis Mafia, and Jill escape the she-vampires. Prince Black tightens the leash on The Colonel and somewhere along the way, Elvis hurts himself throwing his hip out during a performance and he loses part of his memory. He trades places with Sebastian Haff, who is then metaphorically sucked dry by The Colonel and Prince Black as they work him to death.

In present day, The Colonel’s grand scheme is to get back in business with Elvis. So all of this is precursor to the ultimate business meeting: An aged Elvis, a vampiric Colonel, and the shark Prince Black.

But the Prince could care less. The Clan Matriarch, Momma Nosferatu, an abomination in a wheelchair, who is so old she no longer needs blood, decides she’ll break her fast for Elvis. Another blood-bath ensues and Sitting Bull’s curse is broken as he sacrifices his life to save Elvis and Nurse Ella. Yeah, I don’t know how it’s broken. It has something to do with Prince Black’s supernatural power and Sitting Bull’s exposure to it. Don’t ask me, I only read the thing.

Does it deliver?

There’s the rub. This baby is a strange beast. The writers manage to capture that elusive Nacogdoches-flavor of Joe R. Lansdale quirk (is that a “Late Night” Doritos flavor? You be the judge.) Stylistically, anyways. But the problem here is the decision to tell two stories.

So it’s kinda like reading a sequel AND a prequel at the same time.

They try to braid the story lines together, but it just doesn’t work.

One story is way more entertaining than the other.

I dunno, I think the novelty of a geriatric Elvis wears thin two movies in. And when you just rehash the gags from the first film, it grows boring. Like Old Elvis, it just made me feel tired.

I kept gravitating to the story about Young Elvis. It kicks ass. The characters are more interesting, the dialogue is zippier, and it’s a faster world. There’s also some hilarious commentary about the movie business, and The Colonel is a fantastic character.

That’s so fuckin’ Giamatti.

I mean, you can taste the guy sinking his teeth into this role.

But again, it’s a frustrating read. I can’t help but wonder what Joe R. Lansdale could have come up with. I mean, if he were to write another novella called Bubba Nosferatu, what would his take on things be? And I wonder if Bruce wondered the same thing. Is that why he dropped out of the project? Alas, speculation.

But yeah, this sucker ends with Old Elvis and Nurse Ella stranded on the side of the road. Their car has died as they driving out of New Orleans. The last shot is of Ella pushing Elvis down the road in his wheel-chair before they cue the title card for the return of Elvis in:

“Bubba Sasquatch, Killer Apes of the Northern Woods”.

**link removed**

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If you have funny yellow dick goop commentary in your first movie, it might not be that funny in your second movie. Seriously though, this script made me think of creating great gags. Those scenic exclamation points that sequences revolve around. Here, The Memphis Mafia is a great concept, and their Three-up Cover Formation is a great gag. So great it pretty much steals the movie. The Fang-Proof Jumpsuit is a cool concept, and the gag is that we get to see an awesome shot of a vampire’s fang breaking off on it. These are clever, entertaining moments that get the blood flowing. Gags make the story pop, unfortunately, they can’t save the story alone. But a good gag is the punch-line to your action scenes, and it’s always nice to experience the pure invention of a successful gag.

Ever since I saw Neill Blomkamp’s short masterpiece, “Alive In Joburg,” I became obsessed with him. I googled the shit out of everything that even remotely sounded like “Blomkamp” and when I found out he was doing the Halo movie, it was a bit like I imagine heroin must feel like. Or your first Krispy Kreme donut. Well we all know how that fell apart and Bloomkamp seemed to disappear off the planet. I was so bummed because I felt like we were missing out on a unique new voice who was totally going to change the way Hollywood made movies. Then the announcement came that he was turning “Alive In Joburg” into a feature film called “District 9” and it was a little bit like I imagine crack must feel like. Or your first animal style double-double. Because these days trailers tell us the entire movie and since this was so low on the summer radar, I knew the marketing team would be forced to show every great shot in the film, I avoided it all. And today, I went into District 9 knowing absolutely nothing about what I was going to see other than that giant ship in the sky and a lot of South Africans.

Even after all that hype, I still walked away amazed. We’re looking at the next James Cameron here folks. Sci-fi like this has never been done before. Within two minutes I actually believed this was happening. That aliens had landed on our planet. — I’m not even going to get into all the unique choices Blomkamp and co-writer Terri Tatchell made. I’d just like to highlight a clever screenwriting move of theirs and how it affected the entire movie. Without it, the movie wouldn’t have been the same.

In the film, the very first shot we get of the aliens is in their ship, all huddled up, cowering away from the light, malnourished, sick, and terrified. It’s 3 seconds of screentime and yet it sets the tone for how you’ll perceive them for the entirety of the film. You feel sorry for them. In other words, you sympathize with these creatures. Without us sympathizing with the aliens, without us wanting their life to be better or wanting them to get back home, the movie doesn’t work. So that single shot has a huge impact on us.

This can be applied to any character in any screenplay. Introduce them in a terrible situation and we’ll want to root for them. Human nature is that we don’t want bad things to happen to people who don’t deserve it.

And oh yeah. If you’re even remotely interested in sci-fi, go see this movie!

Genre: Drama
Premise: A young financial whiz tries to take down one of the world’s biggest hedge funds from the inside.
About: This is of course the follow-up to the 1987 Oliver Stone film, “Wall Street.” Michael Douglas will reprise his role as Gordon Gekko. Shia LaBamBam will continue his streak of starring in every hot movie that’s being made. Vietnam vet Oliver Stone is back at the reigns, helming his most noteworthy picture since the invention of the personal computer.
Writer: Allan Loeb

This script has been burning a hole in my hard drive for months and to be honest, I was never going to review it. I was never a fan of the first film. It always felt to me like a movie that wanted to be better than it actually was. Of course, I was pretty young when I saw it. All I knew about the stock market was people yelling and throwing pieces of paper at each other. But I figured with the way the economy is wreaking havoc on our lives, Wall Street 2 might have something timely to say.

So I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that Oliver Stone is directing the film. I have nothing against Mr. Stone. When he re-edited Alexander 18 times, I said ‘the more the merrier.’ Is Jared Leto gay? Is he not gay? There’s an app for that in the Alexander films. It’s just that the man hasn’t inspired confidence in awhile. The *good* news is that Alan Loeb is the writer. You may remember Alan from my review of The Only Living Boy In New York, a “Graduate”-like tale of a confused 20-something desperately trying to keep his life in order. I liked that script quite a bit, so I was intrigued to see what he would do with the Wall Street franchise (is it really a franchise now?)

Jacob Moore is pissed. Why is he pissed? Because someone just killed his boss. Well, that’s not entirely true. Someone started a rumor about his boss’ investment firm that eventually sank the company’s stock price, which led to the company going under, which led to the boss playing chicken with a subway train…and losing. Luckily, Jacob was given a 1.5 million dollar bonus just days earlier, enough to secure the most extravagant engagement ring money can buy for the woman he plans to spend the rest of his life with. “Take me to the Fuck You room,” he tells the jeweler.

You see Jacob’s stuck on the bubble. His boss was a bit of a father figure and after a few days away from Wall Street he’s beginning to think maybe it isn’t worth it. Why not dance off to a quaint little town in the middle of Americana and build a family? We’ll never know how close Jacob came to making that choice because Jacob’s fiance just happens to be the daughter of Gordon Gekko – yes, Michael Douglas’s character from the first film. Gekko got out of jail a few years back and spends his days broadcasting economic doom-and-gloom to anyone who will listen. He’s even got a new book explaining how the American economy is a time bomb waiting to explode. A little side note is that Gekko can ony talk about the economy. He can’t trade in it anymore. The SEC won’t let him within a hunred miles of a broker.

So when a still sore Jacob comes to Gekko for his blessing, Gekko calls him out. You don’t want my blessing, he tells Shia. You want advice on how to take down the man that “killed” your boss. Gekko makes a serious if contrived deal that only happens in Screenplay Land: He’ll help him take down the bad guys if Jacob helps him reestablish a relationship with his daughter. Jacob realizes this is a chance to learn from the best, get some revenge, and lose the audience.

The man who destroyed his boss’ fund is an eccentric billionaire hedge fund manager named Bretton Woods (gotta give it to Loeb – cool name). He’s the kind of guy that flies in the world’s biggest piano prodigy for some afternoon entertainment. He lives by the mantra: “The only thing worse than death is becoming irrelevant.” Gekko’s plan is for Jacob to get a job with Bretton, gain his trust, then make a whole bunch of bad trades that bankrupt his ass (my words, not his). Gekko will be advising him from the sidelines, telling him when and what to move.

Unfortunately this all plays out about as well as it sounds. The more contrived your story, the harder it is for the audience to buy into. Money Never Sleeps plays out like a dramatized version of today’s news headlines, giving us no new or behind-the-scenes information, and does so with a story that doesn’t have any bite. The face of the franchise, Michael Douglas, plays a neutered down role for 90% of the story, feeling more like an assistant coach than the power hungry face of the team.

It wasn’t lost on me that a movie all about money feels like a desperate attempt to make money. Just because you don’t have ninjas with a kung-fu grip on your poster doesn’t mean you’re cinematizing a story for a noble cause. I pose this question to you: Is this story worth telling? I don’t think I need to answer that question to answer it. Stone and Douglas clearly see this as a way to get back in the game. And that’s fine. Vin just did it with The Fast And The Furious franchise. But we all know what kind of movie results from a project without any passion behind it.

Luckily “Money Never Sleeps” has a saving grace. And that saving grace is its ending. Without giving too much away, a role that looked pretty thankless for Douglas comes roaring back up the charts like a hot stock. Loeb’s previous 105 pages were all a carefully constructed set-up to give us a shocker of a finale. And I have to admit, it worked. But the end result feels like a government bailout. Sure we feel okay now. But does it solve the underlying structural issues in the system? I’m afraid not. The best final 30 pages in history couldn’t have saved this sequel.

[ ] Bear Sterns
[x] Sell
[ ] Hold
[ ] Buy
[ ] Gold

What I learned: You have to make the connections in your story as direct and personal as possible. Jacob’s doomed boss is not his *actual* father. He’s merely a father *figure*. Bretton didn’t kill Jacob’s boss. He started a rumor that led to the downfall of J’s boss’ company which led to his boss’ choice to commit suicide. The connections here are too loose. Imagine if the boss*was* Jacob’s father and that Bretton *actually* murdered him, but Jacob couldn’t prove it in court. So the only way to take him down was to work for Bretton and destroy him from the inside. Sure you’d have to figure out a reason why Bretton would hire him under those conditions, but it’s still doable. And because things were direct (murder) and personal (his father), we’d be so much more in to the Jacob revenge storyline.