Genre: Horror
Premise: A group of friends on a weekend getaway play a game of pretend murder called “bodies bodies bodies” which results in several real murders.
About: The hottest up-and-coming film company right now is A24. Now, typically, A24 follows a strict business model. Find an artsy director and let them direct whatever the hell they want. Don’t even look at the script. The script can be written in brail for all they care. This has resulted in a lot of beautiful looking movies (Hereditary, The Witch, A Ghost Story) with not-so-beautiful screenplays. Since A24 had to start thinking about the bottom line at some point, they’re evolving their approach to include buying and developing scripts. Which leads us to today. For the first time, A24 has purchased a screenplay without a director attached. This is that spec.
Writer: Kristin Roupenian
Details: 91 pages

You’re probably wondering how a newbie screenwriter was able to land the first spec purchase from the hottest indie company in Hollywood. It turns out Kristen Roupenian wrote a short story in The New Yorker called “Cat Person” that went viral. That success led to a publishing deal. And when A24 called to learn more about the author, she sent them bodies bodies bodies.

So, unfortunately, this isn’t the kind of sale we love to celebrate, the one where a writer toils away in obscurity for years, uploads a script to the internet, and all of a sudden there’s a massive studio bidding war. But let’s be honest. No story is ever like that. This sale represents the new normal for screenwriters – which is that you’re just as likely to break into the business due to some writing-adjacent success as you are from writing a spec screenplay.

I should point out that I knew nothing about this script when I opened it. I read it before I filled out any of the above information, including the logline. I loved the title. No idea what it meant but was intrigued. Could go in multiple directions. Let’s find out what this thing is all about, shall we?

Slutty Ashley, punky Bee, preppy Liz, hipster David, loudmouth Scott, wholesome Casey, and mysterious Matt, are visiting a remote cabin during winter for the weekend, looking for some 20-something level entertainment to enhance their endless partying.

After finishing a game of “Never Have I Ever,” Liz suggests a raucous game of “bodies bodies bodies.” Most of the crew have never heard of the game, so Liz explains it to them. While the rules are way too long for this summary, the basic idea is that two people are secretly given the title of “Murderer,” the lights are turned out, and everyone runs around trying to escape the murderers. If the “murderer” catches you, you “die,” and then everyone gathers around and, like a game of “Clue,” tries to figure out who did it.

Several chapters of the game are played before Casey finds herself all alone in the house. She announces she’s quitting, calls for everyone, but only Ashley and Bee turn up. Everyone else is gone. The three of them eventually head to the basement, where they find David, Scott, and Liz for-real dead. They freak out, run outside, only to realize it is so cold that they have to go back inside the house. Back inside where the killer is.

With several other horror tropes in play (no cell phone coverage, cars are blocked in), the three will have to figure out who killed their friend, a mystery complicated by the secret entrance of an unknown 8th player. And, oh yeah, let’s not forget that either Casey, Ashley, or Bee could be the killer as well. Bodies bodies bodies indeed.

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of “beginner screenwriter” mistakes here. For example, all the character names are capitalized throughout. You’re only supposed to capitalize names when they’re introduced. There’s a good reason for this. Capitalization signifies to the reader that a new character has entered the screenplay. So if the reader has, say, forgotten about a character, and then that character comes back later, and with a capitalized name, the reader may erroneously mistake them for a new character.

There’s also too much mundane detail in the action. For example, there’s a scene where everyone’s playing a card game, smoking a joint, and every other line is an exorbitantly detailed explanation of what the characters are doing with the joint. “MATT receives the joint from SCOTT, takes a hit, and then holds it between two fingers as he adds a card to the card house he is building out of the abandoned game of Kings. Once the card has been delicately placed, he considers his creation for a beat, then passes the joint to CASEY.”

A veteran screenwriter knows you don’t have to write any of this. The reader will fill in these unimportant details themselves.

Then there’s the explanation of the game. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything in a script that’s taken this long to explain. The rules are ENDLESS. And to make things worse, there are two halves to the game, one half for the night, the second half for the following day. Both are explained in endless detail, yet we never make it to the day. Which means that that entire section explaining the daytime rules was pointless! There were a lot of maddening mistakes like this.

Let’s get to the obvious question here: Does any of this matter? I mean, the writer sold the script, right? So these mistakes couldn’t have been that bad. That’s true. The mistakes didn’t hinder A24 from buying the script (even though it seems as if they were more keen on buying the writer than the script). However, if they send this script around to attach elements (producers, directors and actors) it matters a whole lot. The script feels so “beginner” in places that experienced parties are going to pass.

In the script’s defense, it gets better as it goes on. Once we got to the murdering, where our characters were in genuine peril, the script inherited some much needed energy that brought the story alive. The “Clue”-like mystery to the situation was also well done. (spoiler) One of my favorite parts was when they cornered Matt, convinced he was the killer, and killed him, only to learn afterwards that they were probably wrong.

What’s most interesting is A24’s decision to pick up the script in the first place. This doesn’t feel like anything they’ve done before. It’s got more of a Dimension or IFC Midnight vibe to it. I guess, because this was A24, I was looking for some offbeat indie twist. But this is popular moviemaking to the max. It should be noted that this pickup was meant to begin a new Chapter in A24’s life – development. So, conceivably, they’ll get some good people in there to guide the writer through some of these problems.

This felt very much like a writer trying their hand at screenwriting for the first time. For that reason, I could never get into it.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: A common question writers have is: Do basic screenwriting mistakes really matter? A reader isn’t going to downgrade a good script because of some Screenwriting 101 mistake, is he? This is a complicated question but I’ll try and answer it in an uncomplicated way. There are usually several moments in a script where a reader will need to pause and process everything to make sure he understands what’s happening. For example, in Upgrade, the hero rolls into a bar and demands to talk to a character who I didn’t remember being mentioned, leaving me unclear as to who this person was and why the hero was asking for him. Now, if up to this point, the writing has been strong, I’m going to assume that my confusion is my fault. I must have missed an important detail somewhere. However, if the writing has been lazy or sloppy, with numerous beginner mistakes sprinkled in, I’m more likely to assume my confusion is the writer’s fault. This is how basic mistakes can do a writer in. Whenever the reader is unsure, they’re going to blame YOU, not themselves. In bodies bodies bodies, there are several elaborate conversations about who might’ve killed who in the fake game and how those clues may reveal who the real murderer is. These conversations were incredibly intricate and hard to follow. Because there were so many basic script errors leading up to these conversations, I assumed that my confusion had to be the writer’s fault, not my own. Had the script been cleaner and more professional, I would’ve assumed the opposite and gone back over the conversations to try and make sense of them.

The Russo Brothers loved this book so much they’re ditching superheroes for it. So what’s all the hype about??

Genre: War/Drama
Premise: A young man growing up in Cleveland decides to join the army, after which he suffers PTSD, leading to a string of bank robberies to feed his drug addiction.
About: Today’s book was a huge “out of nowhere” million dollar sale, highlighted by the fact that the author, who’s in prison for the crimes he writes about, couldn’t complete the sale for the movie rights because he ran out of his allotted prison phone minutes. He would need to wait a whole extra week to get it done. Meanwhile, the project became so hot that Avengers Infinity War directors Joe and Anthony Russo made Cherry their first post-Avengers directorial project.
Writer: Nico Walker
Details: 300 pages

I was cautiously excited to read this one. Excited because of the rags-to-riches backstory. Cautious because I know Hollywood gets so wet for these war books that they can’t see the forest through the trees. Case in point: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk. Hollywood LOOOOOVED that book. Couldn’t wait to turn it into a movie and win a billion awards. Except I read that book and it was easily one of the three worst books I’d read in my life. So I was hoping they hadn’t made the same mistake here.

The story follows the author, Nico, in 2003, as he attempts to figure out his life in Cleveland post high school, a life which seems to have no direction other than the love he has for his girlfriend, Emily. When finding a promising job proves difficult, Nico joins the army, and is shipped out for training soon after.

He’s eventually transferred to Iraq where he becomes a medic. His tour is one year, the majority of which is spent cleaning up human remains after IEDs blow up army vehicles. Nico quickly learns that this is war with all of the downsides and none of the glory. There are no soldier-on-soldier battles, just people getting blown up and shot in small skirmishes in the night, and the requisite clean-up afterwards.

Nico bides his time by thinking about Emily, calling her, e-mailing her, and seeing her during the few times he gets time off. Emily is not a fan of what Nico’s doing, and he soon begins to suspect she’s cheating on him. Since Emily is the only thing that keeps him going, he descends into a mental spiral of depression, knowing that if she is sleeping with other guys, there’s nothing he can do about it in Iraq.

When his tour is finally up, his worst fears are confirmed. Emily has been in numerous relationships while he was off in the army. The two break up, and Nico turns to booze and oxycotin, which eventually turns to oxycotin and heroin. He moves from woman to woman, but none of them make him happy the way Emily did.

Eventually, Emily reemerges and Nico gets her hooked on heroin. Every day is a hunt for the next score. When they run out of money, Nico has no choice but to start robbing banks so they can get their fix. When one of the banks publishes a camera shot that is as “clear as if I were sitting for an oil painting” Nico is arrested and sentenced to 11 years in prison. He won’t be released until 2023.

I can totally see why this author is getting attention. His style is raw, in your face, fearless. Most importantly, it’s truthful. One of the hardest things about writing yourself is that you’re always trying to come off as the good guy. Deep down you want people to like you – think you’re funny, cool, interesting, good. So you don’t write the bad things that you think or do. You’re afraid they’ll get in the way of the image you want to portray. The irony is that the bad parts are what make you human, and without them, you don’t seem real, you don’t seem flawed. The most powerful thing about this book is its lack of a filter.

The book also gives you something you can’t get anywhere else. And I think writers forget about this. They forget to ask, “What am I giving the reader that they can’t get with any other story, any other writer?” Because if you’re one of the 95% of writers who are rewriting movies we’ve already seen, why would I need to read your script? I’ve already seen it. Cherry gets extremely specific, especially when we’re in Iraq, and every page is filled with shit I never even thought about. I’m genuinely learning something new in every chapter. Here, after a dead body is called in, Nico and the rest of the crew try to figure out who it might be…

I’m not getting that kind of detail from the screenwriter who does his war research by renting Saving Private and Platoon.

Nico also wisely inserts an anchor into his story. When you’re writing one of these wandering narratives, it’s easy for the reader to feel lost. “Where is all of this headed?” is a common question. You allievaite this by adding an anchor, something to keep coming back to. This anchor grounds the story. The most common anchor used is a relationship. So, for Nico, it’s Emily. Whenever things start to get a little loose, we’ll call Emily, or we’ll e-mail Emily. They did the same thing in Forrest Gump with Jenny.

Nico even turbo-boosted this storyline because he inserted an element of dread into it. It wasn’t just, “Hey, it was nice to talk to Emily again!” There was an underlying sense that she wasn’t as committed to their relationship as he was. Maybe she had found someone else. Since we knew Emily was Nico’s world, we had to keep reading to find out if, indeed, Emily would leave him, or if it was going to be okay.

If the book has a weakness it’s that it’s too depressing. Depressing is fine if it’s earned. If, for example, Nico has this rosy outlook on life and then he experiences the carnage of war and it changes him – that makes sense. But Nico is a downer from the get-go. He’s never a happy guy. So there isn’t enough emotional variance throughout the book. We keep hitting that same “life sucks” beat over and over. Remember, guys – you need highs for the audience to be able to appreciate the lows, and vice versa.

As for the movie adaptation, I’m not sure how the Russos are going to approach it. The most interesting thing about the story is the bank robberies, but those robberies get the least amount of time in the story, as they’re mostly tacked on to the very end. They could focus on the war stuff, but I feel like we’ve seen a ton of Iraq war movies already. On the page this stuff sounds amazing. But I’m not sure it will look any different from the last mainstream Iraq flick. Or the one before that. Nico has such a pronounced voice that I fear this is one of those books that works best as a book, not a film. But we’ll see.

For those interested, this is a good companion piece to Hillbilly Elegy, a book that covers the same demographic, but through the prism of education rather than war. I’d say Elegy is better. But Cherry is still a solid piece of work.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Keep at it. Everything you write will be a struggle. Don’t give up. Nico wrote this book at the urging of a couple of guys working at a small publishing company. He didn’t think he could do it. He only wrote it because they believed in him. After three full years and dozens of rewrites, they gave the manuscript to one of the higher-ups at the company, and he said the writing wasn’t good enough to publish, and so Nico would have to rewrite the whole book over again and so he did. After they finished that version, one of the editors came in and made a few changes to the main character and Nico said, “What the fuck are you doing changing my story?” The editor said that when people read Nico’s version, they think the main character is a total asshole, but when they read this editor’s version, they think Nico is an asshole, but they kind of like him. So they went with the editor’s version.

What I learned 2: If you’re a really good structural writer who’s been told that your description, dialogue or characters are stiff, read this book. It really shows you what can happen if you just let go and write. It literally feels like the words are going straight from the writer’s brain to the page. There’s no, “I have to make this sentence perfect,” filter.

It’s going to be a loooooonnnnnng weekend. No Scriptshadow til Tuesday (Monday is a holiday here in the U.S.). But the good news is when I come back, I’ll be reviewing the book that just became the hottest project in town. I’m a quarter of the way through it, and the writing isn’t great. But both the main character and story are awesome. A reminder that you don’t have to be the best writer to break in. But you do have to be a good storyteller. That means crafting clever suspenseful plots with unique flawed characters. The hero in this story is about as flawed as they get. To be continued…

If you haven’t played Amateur Offerings before, read as many of this weekend’s scripts as you can and VOTE for your favorite in the comments section. Voting closes on Monday, September 3rd, 11:59pm Pacific Time. Winner gets a review next Friday. — If you’d like to submit your own script to compete in Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Title: Parking Enforcement
Genre: Buddy Comedy
Logline: When two forty year-old parking enforcement brothers uncover a Boston police department conspiracy, they must devise a way to take down the very people who control their shot at a badge. (Step Brothers meets 21 Jump Street)
Why You Should Read: Structure is always a great conversation in screenwriting and this remains my most outlined script to-date, so I’d love to see how that comes across to readers. I fell in love with this concept of Parking Enforcement, but in a Jonah Hill / Will Ferrell style comedy. Would anything that happens in this script happen in real life? Other than the cops being crooked? Not likely. But, I also wanted to make the central core of the script universally relatable — people who feel they are better than where they are and always striving to get to that place, no matter the label that is given to them by others. This is a goofball script meant for big laughs, but also with big heart, so I’d love to see if it resonates with the audience.

Title: The Janitor
Genre: Crime/Drama
Logline: A mob rib breaker turned high school janitor seeks to redeem his violent past by preventing a young girl from making the same mistakes he did, but when drugs and gangs overrun her school, he must risk his cover to clean it up.
Why You Should Read: Writing is the reason I get up in the morning. I have been a Nicholl Fellowship quarterfinalist multiple times, a Page semi-finalist and was the 2016 winner of Screamfest with my screenplay “Plum Island”. My day job working with troubled youths allows a consistent reservoir of unique experiences that I draw upon when creating realistic and fleshed out characters. Why read? “The Janitor” perfectly portrays human complexities in a gritty urban setting and creates cinematic characters that are both mythic and believable.

Title: Salvage
Genre: Horror
Logline: As a remote Alaskan town prepares for winter, a young woman from out of town is brutally killed at the motel, and the sheriff – still obsessed with the unsolved murder of his daughter six months earlier – embarks on an investigation that turns many in this tight knit community against him and leads him to suspect the woman’s death may be connected to his little girl’s tragic slaying.
Why You Should Read: I studied screenwriting at Writers Boot Camp and Hofstra University and have worked in the industry as a script reader, production assistant, casting assistant and agency assistant in between writing scripts which garnered me three agents over the years, two options, and actor attachments from the likes of Armand Assante and Eric Roberts. Alas, no actual sales yet. Salvage is my personal favorite, the original draft of which was largely written while heavily medicated following surgery.

Title: THE OPERATIVES
Genre: Action Spy Thriller
Logline: When a global terror plot is exposed, five top agents (from Russia’s FSB, Israel’s Mossad, China’s MSS, Britain’s MI6 and America’s CIA) are forced to work together to stop the threat.
Why You Should Read: I’m a screenwriter in Sydney and love writing true stories and thrillers. I took and stunt-driving course, started on my helicopter license, and boxing lessons. Learning to know what I write, rather writing what I know. THE OPERATIVES takes the locomotive intensity of Bourne and Bond, and creates a 5-man-band in the vein of Mission Impossible, Suicide Squad and The A-Team.

Title: Inky Magicat & The Lonely Magicians
Genre: Family Comedy
Logline: When the world’s greatest magician loses the magic talking cat that makes his tricks work, the timid boy who rescues her tries to reunite the cat with her family before their careers are ruined.
Why You Should Read: Inky Magicat is a never-ending joy ride featuring a wide array of likable and entertaining characters. With solid goals, stakes, urgency, and a strong dose of comedy sprinkled with grounded sequences of emotion inducing drama, Inky Magicat touches on themes of how crime doesn’t pay, and features a relatable coming of age arc to be enjoyed by people in all walks of life. Billed as PADDINGTON meets THE PRESTIGE, Inky Magicat is a four quadrant comedy suitable for international audiences, and we believe it has the potential to become a strong family movie franchise.

One of the more frustrating things about screenwriting, or any artistic endeavor for that matter, is feeling like you’re so far away from the prize. You may live 10,000 miles away from Hollywood or be knee-deep in a screenplay you’ve run out of ideas for. Meanwhile, to waste time, you visit the trade sites, which bombard you with deal after deal being made by established and newbie writers alike. It creates the illusion that everybody in the world is succeeding except for you. And it’s in these moments that you ask yourself if it’s all worth it. Should you even bother trying?

Part of the problem is that writing is a solitary pursuit. You’re in your head a lot. You’re constantly going to negative places. So if you want to convince yourself that breaking into the industry is impossible, it doesn’t take a whole lot of googling to do so. There are plenty of articles to read with created-out-of-thin-air statistics (“Only 1 in every 100,000 screenplays gets produced!”) to support your Impossible To Succeed Theory.

Screenwriting is like any other pursuit. If you want to break through the studio gates, you need a plan. The more structured the plan, the more likely you are to succeed. I’ll never forget reading how Vin Diesel broke into acting. He was working as a bouncer at a club where the nightly conversation was about making sure you bought that week’s lottery ticket. It was so depressing. So Diesel put a plan to together. He would write, direct, and star in a short film that highlighted the kind of actor he wanted to be, he’d submit to Sundance, industry people would see it, they’d cast him in movies, he’d move to Hollywood, and his career would begin. What followed? Diesel made his movie, got it into Sundance, Spielberg saw it and cast him in Saving Private Ryan. It all happened! But what’s important to note here is that it wouldn’t have happened if Diesel hadn’t put together a plan in the first place.

So figure out what scripts you like to write, then figure out what movies Hollywood likes to make. See if there’s some crossover there, and start writing scripts in that overlapping section. Then address the boring stuff. Figure out how many scripts a year you can write. If you have two hours a day, aim for one script a year. If you have four hours, aim for two scripts a year. Retroactively set your schedule to make sure you’re writing enough each day so that you can finish three drafts by the time the six months are up. As crazy as it sounds, a lot of success is just math. Figure out what you need to do by when and then do it.

That’s all well and good, Carson. But how does this get me closer to breaking in? I don’t have 30 inch biceps and a Barry White voice. Well, this is where things get tricky. Because breaking in is not a straight line. There’s some zigging and zagging involved. But the strategy I endorse most is the BLANKET STRATEGY. Once you finish a script, you blanket your writing friends. You blanket script coverage services (Black List, Tracking Board, Individual). You blanket anybody you know in the industry. You blanket contests. You blanket website opportunities (like Amateur Offerings). You blanket people here in the comments section. You NEVER KNOW where that big opportunity is going to come from. But the more people you reach out to, the more opportunities you’ll have.

Earlier this year, a manager e-mailed me to ask if I’d read any good contained horror scripts lately. It just so happened that a few days earlier, I’d read a good contained horror script. I sent it over to him, he loved it, and he ended up representing the writer. Had the writer sent me his script three months later or that manager contacted me three months earlier, it probably wouldn’t have happened. Since you can’t account for that kind of timing, you have to be consistent. You have to keep getting material out there. You have to keep letting people know what you’re working on. Sooner or later, the stars are going to align and a connection will be made.

On the contrary, if you’re one of these super-secretive writers who doesn’t tell anyone what you’re working on and then, every two years, finishes a script before unleashing it on all of two people… I guarantee you you will not succeed. You need to be more prolific. The most common way to break in is persistence. It’s writing something, it’s getting it out there, it’s getting feedback, and if that script isn’t good enough, it’s writing another script, it’s getting it out there, it’s getting feedback…. Over and over again.

A common misperception is that a good script will get a “Yes” every time. While a good script has a much better chance than a bad script at getting a “Yes,” there are still things that can get in the way. It may not be that reader’s cup of tea. It may not be what that producer is looking for right now. If you’re a newbie, an established agent might not want to put in the legwork required to get you to a place where you’re making money for him.

Everybody in town said no to American Sniper. Everybody in town said no to Dallas Buyers Club. Everybody said no to Anchorman (New Line sent Will Ferrel an e-mail saying that if he ever sent the script to them again, they would never work with him as an actor). Hell, Disney said no to Back to the Future – Back to the freaking Future! – because of its “incest” storyline. But they eventually all got made. I guess what I’m saying is, since even a good script can get a no in certain situations, not to let your script be definitively labeled by one person. Try the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy. And hey, if all the next guys hate your script, that’s okay too. Figure out what’s not working and make sure you don’t make the same mistakes on the next script. “But Carson, that takes a long time.” No shit. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. The people who become successful at this are in it for the long haul.

A couple of final points. If you’re new to this, the chances that your first, second, or third script is going to break you into the industry is small. I’m not saying it can’t be done. But it probably won’t. I tell you this so you that don’t get discouraged. Remember, the name of the game is persistence. Anything that happens with those first three scripts is a gift. But it won’t be until you get your fifth and sixth scripts behind you that you’ll really start to cook.

And what if you have been persistent and you still haven’t broken in? What if you’ve been at this 7, 10, even 15 years and you’re still on the outside? Okay, the advice I’m about to give you will not be easy to hear. But if you’re serious about succeeding, listen up. If you’ve been screenwriting for 10-15 years and you’re still nowhere near being a professional, you’re doing one of two things wrong. You’re not aware of the weaknesses in your writing or you’re not selling yourself hard enough.

In regards to the first one, you need to do a HARD STOP. Take your fingers off the keyboard. Instead, get your latest script to some people you trust – it could be a friend or writing group member or even me – and say this line: “I need you to give me brutally honest notes. Do not spare my feelings. I want to get better at this and the only way that’s going to happen is if I get 100% honest feedback.” I’m willing to bet that the feedback you receive from these people will be consistent. And that’s a great thing. Because you can finally face reality and take the steps towards addressing these weaknesses. For the record, the most common mistakes I see long time struggling writers making is that their concepts are lame or their character work is bad.

In regards to the second one – not pushing your material hard enough – look, no one said this was easy. I know that most writers are introverted people. But these days almost all initial contact is done digitally. You don’t have excuses anymore. I can’t stress this enough: If you’re only sending your script out to a few people every year, you’ll never succeed. I can pretty much guarantee that. Get out there, man! Form a writing group with people here. Stop being afraid to have your script publicly read on Amateur Offerings. Sign up for a local screenwriting class so you can meet other screenwriters (and professors, who usually have contacts). Cold e-mail medium level management and production companies (the big ones won’t talk to you yet). Enter the big contests. I get that none of this stuff is fun. You’d rather be writing. But do you want to succeed at this or don’t you? Because it’s not going to happen unless you’re getting your material out there on a consistent basis. They can’t say yes if they’ve never read it.

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller
Premise: In a future where people are enhancing their lives with smart technology implants, a successful criminal defense attorney has her body hijacked by an anonymous hacker and struggles to prevent him from using her to commit a series of proxy murders.
About: Today’s script finished in the top 20 of last year’s “Hit List,” the list of the best spec scripts of the year. The writer, Mark Townend, adapted Anthony Bourdain’s novel, BONE IN THE THROAT, which was later produced (although it didn’t do well). I’ve reviewed another script of Townend’s – the high concept, Contingency Protocol – about the government using time travel to hide high-profile witnesses in the past. Warner Brothers picked up this script with an eye on It Girl, Margot Robbie, to star.
Writer: Mark Townend
Details: 109 pages

To be clear, I knew nothing about this script when I opened it other than the genre and that it made The Hit List. There’s nothing I love more than going into sci-fi scripts cold then getting bowled over by a brilliant hook point.

For this reason, I had NO IDEA I’d be reading something that was so similar to the movie I just reviewed last Monday, Upgrade. Yet again we have a dude in someone’s head who can control them. The only difference is that this is a real person and in Upgrade it was a computer.

This should serve as a reminder that it’s REALLY DIFFICULT to come up with original ideas, especially when you’re dealing with science fiction. If a sci-fi idea comes to you easily, there are probably loads of other writers working on something similar. Hold that sci-fi idea of yours to a higher standard and really try to come up with something fresh. A one-of-a-kind idea is a huge advantage in this space.

But hey, Augmented might still kick ass. Or, it might control someone else who kicks ass. Or, it might control us so that we kick ass. Oh, let’s just start the review.

In the near future, 40 year old defense lawyer Olivia Holloway is preparing for one of the biggest closing statements of her life – defending the heir to a giant corporation who’s been accused of killing a young woman.

We quickly learn that in the near future, everyone is augmented with an operating system called “GLAZE.” A chip is built behind your eye that allows you to have a virtual HUD in your field of vision at all times. For this reason, we’re more focused on answering our e-mails and chatting with our friends than we are interacting with the people right in front of us.

There is no one more guilty of this than Olivia, who barely even notices her husband, Brandon, and only addresses her two children to tell them, ironically, to turn off their GLAZEs. She then slyly uses her own GLAZE to target the volume of her kids and turn it down to zero. A cruel action I’m sure every parent who’s reading this review right now wishes to God they had access to.

At trial, Olivia stands to give her closing statement when the unthinkable happens. She can’t move. It’s like she’s having a stroke. Then a voice comes through her ears. A man known as “Judge” tells her he’s now controlling her body. And if she doesn’t tell the entire courtroom that her client is guilty of murder, he will pick up a pen and stab her with it. So she obliges.

Judge then forces Olivia to hurry out of the courtroom and do everything he says – which begins with finding a local cop and killing him. Once done with the cop, he tells Olivia to find a high profile client that she helped beat a murder rap. It’s here where Olivia realizes she’s dealing with the son of the woman that client murdered. He’s using Olivia to get his revenge.

Since Olivia has no control of her extremities, she will need to use all of her wits to manipulate her puppet master, or else face where this is inevitably going – when Judge is finished using Olivia to kill everyone on his list, he’s going to kill her as well.

One thing I like about Townend. He doesn’t mess around with small concepts. He thinks big. He also knows how to write a spec. This script reads very very fast. He knows that when a reader reads a spec – a spec that doesn’t have IP attached and therefore doesn’t have a good shot at getting made – that you have to grab the reader from the first sentence and never let them go. To lose someone for even a minute in a spec could be the difference between success and failure. So he makes each scene count, each line of action count, each line of dialogue count. I dare you to read this script and be bored.

However, the script is fighting an uphill battle in that it feels familiar. We’ve seen a lot of these movies where a dude calls someone and makes them do everything they say “or else.” The twist here is that the bad guy has control over the main character’s body, giving him an extra element of control. But is it enough to freshen up the well-worn idea? Ehhh… I’m not sure it is.

With that said, the script does some interesting things from a screenwriting perspective. In a progressive move, Townend makes his female protagonist a deadbeat wife and mother who gleefully cheats on her husband. One of the oldest “rules” in screenwriting is that you can make your male protag a cheater. But the audience will never accept a female protag who’s a cheater. Neither male nor female audiences get behind a female cheater.

By ignoring that rule, it made Augmented, an otherwise Save-The-Cat formatted thriller, a bit risqué.

Another thing writers will want to pay attention to is how Augmented approaches exposition. When you have a lot of backstory or exposition to convey, have the relevant character be FORCED to give it up. I guarantee no one will know you’re throwing reams of exposition at them.

Judge’s ultimate goal is to get Olivia to admit that she knew the murderer she represented killed Judge’s mother, and yet still defended him. As a result, he’s constantly making her tell him what happened, threatening to stab her if she doesn’t. This allows Olivia to get into all sorts of backstory about why she represented the man and what he said to her and how the trial went down, all without us thinking for a second that we’re being bombarded with exposition.

If there’s a problem with the spec it’s that it all feels a bit boilerplate. Like a beach read. And I understand that that’s the risk you run when you write a balls-to-the-wall thriller. The genre isn’t built to dig deep. But I can’t help but feel like Townend should’ve given us more meat to chew on. Without the meat, it’s hard to get audiences to have an emotional reaction to the proceedings. And while scripts can survive just fine without emotion, the ones that don’t have it fade from memory a lot quicker. So while I think this is worth checking out, I don’t know if I’ll remember it a month from now.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Subtextual Conflict – Remember, overt conflict between characters (screaming, butting heads) has its place, but is often seen as on-the-nose. A better way to explore conflict is through subtext. Read the opening scene of this script. It has Olivia’s family (husband and two children) getting ready for their day. Not once do Olivia or Brandon argue with one another. But boy is there a ton of conflict going on. A disappointed look from Brandon after Olivia doesn’t back him up when he tells the kids to turn off their GLAZEs. A constant lack of eye contact. Olivia putting her GLAZE e-mails as a priority over her husband, who’s sitting right in front of her. Short quick answers to each other’s questions. I have a better feel for this relationship due to its use of subtextual conflict than I do most of the relationships I read after entire scripts.