You asked for it, you got it. Another post for you to update each other on your 2018 screenwriting goals. Have you been writing every day? If not, tsk tsk! Even if it’s just one page – ONE PAGE! – you must write every single day. Why? Because it’s not the number of pages you write that matters. It’s that you establish a routine. For each day you don’t write, it becomes easier not to write the next day, and the day after. By writing every day, you establish a routine, which ensures that you’ll be more productive in the long run.
It’s a three-day weekend so you won’t be seeing me until Tuesday. But that’s when I drop my juicy Ready Player One review. It’s going to be the review of the CENTURY!!! Well, that’s not true. It’ll just question whether Spielberg’s still got it. Can’t wait to share. See ya then…
Genre: Western
Premise: When his wife is murdered and baby taken, a young Preacher in 1880’s Colorado forsakes his calling to become a bounty hunter and get his son back.
Why You Should Read: This script is a cross between Taken and the Dark Knight but set in the old west. Authentic to its time period, it has a grittiness that is prevalent with this genre. Westerns are glorious to look at on the big screen, with sweeping panoramas and intimate close-ups. The stories are personal but feel larger than life. At its heart, On the Sparrow is a tale of two pathways. The story of a father desperate to get his baby boy back and fighting the darkness that descends on him and the villainous couple that ripped his family apart and seeks to settle down and live a good life resulting from the fruits of their wickedness. In the end the pathways must cross.
Writer: RW Hahn
Details: 121 pages (this is a slightly updated draft from the one that appeared on Amateur Offerings)
I’ll be honest. I had a long week. I’m tired. My brain is functioning at quarter-capacity. All I wanted to do was get to Friday, head up to the Arclight on Sunset, zone out, and watch some Ready Player One.
So when I saw that my last remaining duty before the week ended was to read a 121 page (121 page!!) Western that started with a horse drawn cart rolling through the Colorado countryside, I wasn’t exactly yelling from the rooftops, “YAHHOOOO!!! I LOVE MY LIIIIIIIFE!”
I’m hoping that slow-rolling cart isn’t a metaphor for this script. Let’s take a look.
Foster and Sassy are a couple of criminals who come across a Reverend and his wife horse-carting their way to the town of Dolor. They kill them both and pose as them in town. There they meet the local young handsome Reverend, Sparrow, and his wife, Marjorie. After Sparrow gives a sermon, he entrusts Foster (whom he believes is the real Reverend) to take the collection money to another town.
Foster and Sassy are greedy, however. When Sparrow goes hunting with friends the next day, Foster kills Marjorie and Sassy steals their young son. They set fire to the house and leave. Sparrow comes home as the house is still burning, runs inside, and in the process gets third degree burns all over his body.
With the money they’ve stolen, Foster and Sassy hightail it off to another town, buy a ranch, and start living the good life. It takes Sparrow a good two years to recover from his injuries. When he rips off the gauze, he looks like a monster. But he doesn’t care. All he wants is to find the people who killed his wife and stole his son.
So Sparrow gets deputized and decides he’s going to start, I guess, hunting down random killers first? Or maybe he hopes that by hunting down killers, he’ll come across the people who killed his wife. Either way, he spends the next 12 years (12 YEARS!!!) bringing in random baddies until, at the very end, he finds and has an encounter with Foster.
Okay.
I’m going to try and keep myself from getting angry as I break this down because I don’t think Randy was interested in writing the script that I wanted to read.
Still, I think this script has major structural flaws.
Let’s start with the obvious one. Go up and re-read the logline. I want you to imagine what page (or minute mark) you would expect our main character – Sparrow – to start the journey promised in that logline on. What would be an acceptable spot for you. Page 15? Page 25? Page 30? Page 40?
Well in this script, Sparrow doesn’t get deputized to go out on his mission until page 60!!!! That means that we have to endure 60 pages before the script’s main engine is ignited. I’m sorry but that’s unacceptable. And, to be honest, it’s a little bit insulting. All I do on this site is tell you guys over and over to KEEP YOUR STORY MOVING. Keep it moving. Keep it going! In fact, whatever you think is an acceptable pace for “keeping it going?” Go twice as fast as that. Readers get bored fast. Faster than ever these days. And to think that this most basic of structural tenets was ignored. I don’t know. I feel like I’m talking to myself sometimes. Waiting til page 60 to start the journey?? Come on. This is a Screenwriting 101 mistake here.
And then!
Once Sparrow actually does go out on his journey, he doesn’t even go after Foster! He just goes after random criminals who we know nothing about and therefore don’t care if they’re brought to justice or not.
As I got towards the end of this, I began to think maybe this was the whole point of the movie. Like Zodiac. It was more about a person going crazy in the search for revenge than it was the actual revenge? [Deeeeeep breeeeeaaaath]. I don’t know though, man. With that film it didn’t matter as much because our hero was a reporter with no personal connection to the killer. But in Sparrow our hero is the one whose wife is murdered. So I think we want to see him find and get his revenge. It needs to be more straight-forward.
I mean I could honestly make the argument that nothing happens here between the pages of 20 and 100. It’s just characters diddling around. A full decade passes of this. And it’s not interesting. I want to see my characters going after things (being active) that matter (going after the person who killed your wife, not randos who shot the local bartender).
I have a gut feeling that Randy became so enamored with the visual of this character – a sheriff whose entire face was burned off – that he lost sight of the simple and basic practices that build a good story. And that visual wasn’t even utilized properly. Had Sparrow been vain, or had he knowingly used his looks to manipulate others and get ahead in his profession, then losing those looks means something. If you burn him just to burn him, it’s an empty transformation.
Look, this is a good logline. It won a lot of people over. And that’s because it promises an exciting movie! This iteration that I read, though, is the opposite of exciting. To fix that, Sparrow needs to go off looking for Foster on page 25, not 60. He shouldn’t go on any detours to kill other people. His focus should always be on finding Foster. The timeline should be under a month, as opposed to 10 years long. This should be a 90 page script. Not a paragraph longer. And that’s that.
I don’t see the point in overcomplicating this narrative. It’s a simple story.
Script link: On The Sparrow
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: I thought this was a known thing here on Scriptshadow but it’s obviously not so I’m going to repeat it for today’s What I Learned. The main journey that your character goes on – the one that’s promised in your logline – needs to start immediately after Act 1. Which is between pages 25-30. It should never start on page 60.
P.S. For the people who voted for this, I want to know why the 60 page setup didn’t bother you. It could lead to some interesting discussions about structure. So please give your thoughts in the comments. Thank you!
Are you trying to sell a script? Do you want to make the Black List? Then today’s article is for you! I’ll be going through each and every major genre and break down how likely it is to sell a script or make the Black List in that genre. This is not meant as an end-all be-all determination for what you should write. There is no 100% sure-fire formula for writing a script. But you do want to load the odds up in your favor. All genres will be rated on a scale of 1-10 in the two categories, 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest. Spec sales are hard to come by so don’t expect any 9s or 10s in that category. But you can still sell a spec in the right genre. Let’s take a look…
Genre: Super-Hero
Script Sale: 1 out of 10
Black List: 1 out of 10
Comps: Black Panther, The Dark Knight, Avengers: Infinity War
Breakdown: There’s no point writing in this genre unless you’re adapting from something else that was successful in another medium. I suppose if you did an action-comedy type thing with it, like Will Smith’s “Hancock,” that could work. But generally speaking, the super-hero genre is strictly an IP zone. Screenwriters should steer clear of it at all costs.
Genre: Contained Thriller (Horror)
Script Sale: 8 out of 10
Black List: 5 out of 10
Comps: 10 Cloverfield Lane, Get Out, Saw
Breakdown: Welcome, my friends, to the most lucrative genre for spec screenwriters and filmmakers. Contained horror is cheap to produce. Horror audiences don’t require much from the genre other than to be scared. You’re not going to get a million dollar paycheck writing in this genre. But your chances of selling one of these is better than in any other genre on this list.
Genre: Contained Thriller (Sci-Fi)
Script Sale: 7 out of 10
Black List: 3 out of 10
Comps: Alien, Ex-Machina, Primer
Breakdown: These movies don’t do as well at the box office as horror, which is why their numbers are lower. They’re also more expensive to make than contained horror. Your best bet is probably to mix the two, like they did with the original Alien.
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Script Sale: 3 out of 10
Black List: 4 out of 10
Comps: How to be Single, Love Simon
Breakdown: This is how bad the romantic comedy has gotten. One of the biggest romantic comedies of 2016, “Why Him,” didn’t even focus on the romantic relationship. It focused on the hero and the romantic interest’s father. With that said, I think I saw a romantic comedy on last year’s Black List for the first time in a long time (Daddio?). So maybe there’s hope. Here’s my take on the romantic comedy. Someone needs to do with the rom-com what Christopher Nolan did with the super-hero movie when he made The Dark Knight. Cut out all this goofy wish- fulfillment nonsense and make it more realistic.
Genre: Action-Comedy
Script Sale: 7 out of 10
Black List: 2 out of 10
Comps: The Spy Who Dumped Me, Central Intelligence
Breakdown: I consider the Action-Comedy to be a hidden gem for spec sales. Hollywood has always loved making these movies. Unlike the straight comedy, which has fallen in recent years because it doesn’t travel well, any sort of action plays well to international audiences. So Hollywood has shifted their priorities over to this genre from the comedy, despite the fact that they cost more to make.
Genre: Western
Script Sale: 5 out of 10
Black List: 7 out of 10
Comps: Bone Tomahawk, Hostiles, The Homesman
Breakdown: This is a tricky genre. At first glance, it seems antiquated. Yet they continue to make 3-4 Westerns a year. I think the reason for this is that directors love to shoot them and actors love to be in them. There’s something inexorably cool about playing a gunslinger or getting that classic wide shot of the old country. You just can’t go crazy when you write these. Nobody’s making big budget Westerns anymore. The ideal setup would be something like “High Noon” where everything is localized (aka “cheap”).
Genre: Period (War)
Script Sale: 6 out of 10
Black List: 7 out of 10
Comps: Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, Dunkirk, Hacksaw Ridge
Breakdown: When I say “Period War,” I mean any war dating back 2000 years. From the 300 Spartans to the Iraq War. War always sells. There’s something visceral about it that speaks to audiences on multiple levels. But these days, your war film MUST BE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. Otherwise don’t bother. The only reason this gets a 6 on the “sale” rating instead of a “7” is because these movies are expensive to make. So studios have to think a little harder before pulling the trigger.
Genre: Zombie
Script Sale: 5 out of 10
Black List: 3 out of 10
Comps: Train to Busan, Maggie, 28 Days Later
Breakdown: Five years ago, the zombie genre would’ve been a good 2-3 points higher. But the genre is currently in an ice age. Luckily, ice ages only last five years in Hollywood, which means it’s only a matter of time before the zombie pic comes back to life! You like that? “Back to life?” Ah, I kill myself. Then I re-animate myself. Just remember to always ALWAYS try to reinvent this genre. If your zombie script is anything like what I’ve seen in the past, I’m throwing it in the trash. And so is every other reader in Hollywood.
Genre: Romance
Script Sale: 3 out of 10
Black List: 5 out of 10
Comps: Call Me By Your Name, The Notebook, Dear John
Breakdown: This is the least glorious of the genres. Nobody remembers who wrote or directed these movies. But there’s definitely a market for them. Unfortunately, for right now, that market is dominated by Nicholas Sparks, and, to a lesser extent, John Green. It’s not a spec-friendly genre, which means you should probably steer clear of it. Self-publish a novel instead.
Genre: Comedy
Script Sale: 5 out of 10
Black List: 3 out of 10
Comps: Father Figures, Daddy’s Home, Bad Moms
Breakdown: Like I said above, if you’re going to write a comedy, I’d suggest writing an action-comedy. But you can still sell a straight comedy. Right now, the trend for a sale has three branches. 1) Make it female-centric. 2) Go with an age old situation that has built-in conflict (a step-father being forced to co-parent with the real father). Or 3) Pick whatever the latest trendy tech thing is and write about that (those two Uber comedy spec sales from a couple of years ago are an example). The nice thing about this genre is that the big name comedy actors have cut their fees, so comedies can be made for cheap. That means there are still sales to be had!
Genre: Biopic
Script Sale: 8 out of 10
Black List: 10 out of 10
Comps: The Founder, Catch Me If You Can, The Imitation Game
Breakdown: This genre is right up there with Contained Horror as the most lucrative on the list. The reason being that this is the last outlet where movie stars can still be movie stars, as opposed to cogs in a machine. Also, as long as you can spell, your biopic will make The Black List.
Genre: Period
Script Sale: 1 out of 10
Black List: 5 out of 10
Comps: The Other Boleyn Girl, Victoria and Abdul, Love in the Time of Cholera, Tulip Fever, The Danish Girl
Breakdown: If you’re writing a period piece that isn’t associated with war, do so at your own risk. These movies make less than no money. Even the ones that get a boost from Oscar noms rarely do well. On the plus side, these movies do okay in the UK, on the Black List, and in the Nicholl Competition. So if you love these stories, there are outlets for you. But these are some of the toughest pitches in the business. You’ll get 1/1000 of the read requests than had you written a contained horror film. If I was a producer and someone pitched me a story set in the 17th century where an artist and his lover invested in the tulip business, I might just shoot myself right there.
Genre: Sci-Fi Fantasy
Script Sale: 0 out of 10
Black List: 1 out of 10
Comps: Star Wars, Jupiter Ascending, Avatar
Breakdown: This genre is a death-trap. It’s the most expensive genre to produce. The sprawling nature of these stories and their enormous character counts are the exact opposite of what screenplays do well. Don’t bother defending why the sci-fi fantasy script you’re working on is different. This is the one genre I can say, without knowing anything about your script, that if you’re working on one, STOP. You’re wasting your time.
Genre: Horror
Script Sale: 7 out of 10
Black List: 4 out of 10
Comps: It, The Conjuring
Breakdown: With the emergence of “It,” the straight horror film (not contained) is harder to gauge. Hollywood hates spending money on horror since the formula has proven for so long that you don’t need to. But 700 million worldwide is a quick way to change opinions. We also have to remember that these bigger budget horror flicks are based on IP. With that said, I think a good horror script, regardless of whether it’s contained or not, can sell. I also think big-budget horror is about to blow up. So better get on the trend early than late.
Genre: Action
Script Sale: 7 out of 10
Black List: 6 out of 10
Comps: John Wick, The Fast and the Furious, The Bourne Identity, Taken, Die Hard
Breakdown: Straight action plays EVERYWHERE. Everywhere, guys. Nobody needs subtitles for it. So studios are desperate to find that next great action property. They usually get it from books (fifth-tier versions of James Bond). But this is one of the few genres still open for spec screenwriters to create something on their own. They’re expensive to produce, so a sale isn’t guaranteed. But I don’t see this genre dying out… well… ever.
Genre: Drama
Script Sale: 3 out of 10
Black List: 7 out of 10
Comps: Three Billboards, Suburbicon, Room
Breakdown: This is a unique category because on the surface, you don’t want to mess with it. The genre requires more skill to pull off than any other genre. You have to rely strictly on great storytelling and strong character development, which most writers don’t master for a decade or more. A bad drama script is a script reader’s nightmare. Wrought with melodrama and cliched story beats, it’s the reading equivalent of Hell. With that said, these movies win studios Oscars. So studios are always going to be intrigued by them. It’s for this reason that if you write a drama, your aim should be to make The Black List and get the film made as opposed to secure that big flashy script sale.
Genre: Sci-Fi
Script Sale: 5 out of 10
Black List: 3 out of 10
Comps: The Matrix, Source Code, The Martian, Inception, Ready Player One
Breakdown: Straight sci-fi is fun but it’s such an expensive genre and it’s competing directly with such a juggernaut of a genre (Super-Hero) that it’s hard to get a studio to bite on non-IP material. The Black List doesn’t really like them either. If you like sci-fi, I’d write something in the time-travel or “time-travel adjacent” genre (like Source Code), where you can create a big premise for a smaller price tag.
Genre: Faith-Based
Script Sale: 6.5 out of 10
Black List: Negative 8 out of 10
Comps: Heaven is For Real, The Shack, I Can Only Imagine
Breakdown: I don’t know much about this genre. But I do know the faith-based market is coming of age. And if you’re a screenwriter looking to make a living, there’s no reason you shouldn’t take advantage of that. It seems like a lot of these movies are based on books, but as long as you convey a positive message in your script about doing the right thing, and wrap it inside a good idea, there’s no reason to think you can’t sell your screenplay. Also, if a writer can figure out how to subvert the overtly melodramatic tendencies of these scripts so that they can cross over, they’ll become extremely wealthy. Unfortunately, the Black List’s “No Conservatives Allowed” policy means you’ll have to wave goodbye to any Black List aspirations.
Genre: Fantasy
Script Sale: 1 out of 10
Black List: 5 out of 10
Comps: The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The BFG
Breakdown: The only reason this genre isn’t at zero is that it’s a little more accessible than sci-fi fantasy. Still, this genre is built exclusively off of IP, usually books. I occasionally see fantasy scripts hit the Black List (A Monster Calls) but if you have a great fantasy idea, it’s highly advisable that you write a novel instead of a screenplay.
Genre: Action-Adventure
Script Sale: 4.5 out of 10
Black List: 2 out of 10
Comps: Indiana Jones, Jurassic World, Pirates of the Caribbean
Breakdown: This is a weird genre because it SHOULD be a great outlet for spec screenwriters. It seems to be open for new ideas. And the family-friendly aspect of the genre means that they’ll play to anybody. That’s the main reason a movie as average as Jurassic World can make 1.6 billion dollars. I suppose that when movies in a genre start making that much money, studios are more likely to look for previous success in other mediums than buy a spec. Still, something tells me that a writer who comes up with the next Indiana Jones could quickly find themselves on the front page of the trades.
Genre: Dark Comedy
Script Sale: 2 out of 10
Black List: 8 out of 10
Comps: Ingrid Goes West, Me Earl and The Dying Girl, Little Miss Sunshine, Fargo
Breakdown: There’s a lot of crossover with Drama here. Dark Comedy is a really tough genre to master. But, when done well, it could put you in the Oscar race. So it can’t be dismissed completely. With that said, these movies rarely make money. Even the good ones. There’s one every five years that becomes a mega-hit but other than that, there are hundreds of dark comedies that are never seen or heard from again. The good news is, the Black List looooooves dark comedies. It’s probably their favorite genre behind biopics. And if your script makes the list, there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll get made into a movie.
Genre: Straight Thriller
Script Sale: 6 out of 10
Black List: 3 out of 10
Comps: Gone Girl, Buried, The Girl on the Train, The Circle, The Gift
Breakdown: There’s some natural crossover between Thrillers and Action-Thrillers. So to distinguish the two, I see straight Thrillers as more real-world based and suspense-driven. In the past we may have called them Hithcockian Thrillers. These movies aren’t as lucrative as horror, but there’s a market for them for sure. If you’re going to write a thriller, try to have a really clever concept and one great twist. Those two things make these reads a lot more memorable, which increases the chance of a sale exponentially.
Genre: Family
Script Sale: 5 out of 10
Black List: 1 out of 10
Comps: Night at the Museum, Goosebumps, The Goonies
Breakdown: The reason this gets a slight nod on the script sale chart over the more mature Action-Adventure is because I know that Hollywood has been spending 25 years now looking for the next Goonies. Which means they’re willing to buy good family scripts. And let’s not forget that Night at the Museum was a spec sale as well. And that spawned a huge franchise.
Genre: Musicals
Script Sale: 2 out of 10
Black List: 6 out of 10
Comps: La La Land, The Greatest Showman, A Star is Born
Breakdown: The simple fact is that these movies tend to be either director driven (La La Land) or studio driven (The Greatest Showman). They rarely, if ever, are driven by a screenwriter. And the reason for that is simple: it’s hard to imagine songs on a page. With that said, the few times I’ve seen this work are when a writer tries something really zany. Like a zombie musical. Or a post-apocalyptic musical. So it can be done. It’s just rare.
There you have it. Now get to arguing in the comments!
Carson does feature screenplay consultations, TV Pilot Consultations, and logline consultations. Logline consultations go for $25 a piece or 5 for $75. You get a 1-10 rating, a 200-word evaluation, and a rewrite of the logline. I highly recommend not writing a script unless it gets a 7 or above. All logline consultations come with an 8 hour turnaround. If you’re interested in any sort of consultation package, e-mail Carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: CONSULTATION. Don’t start writing a script or sending a script out blind. Let Scriptshadow help you get it in shape first!
Genre: Mystery?
Premise: (from Black List) A writer struggling to crack her second novel starts to lose her sense of reality as the book bleeds into her life…and her life bleeds back.
About: This script made last year’s Black List just as writer Elaina Perpelitt’s career started to take off. She got a staff writing job on the Amazon show “Absentia” and wrote two episodes. That show is about a woman who goes missing and then ten years later, after her family has moved on, reappears inside a tank of water. It’s got a pretty good pilot episode so check it out. I’m guessing that this script was used as a sample to win her a job on that show. By the way, this is one of the best ways to get your career started as a writer. Write an original screenplay that’s not exactly marketable, but is a good indication of your voice. Lots of writers get staffed this way.
Writer: Elaina Perpelitt
Details: 115 pages
Is the curse true? Is writing about writing boring? I don’t know. The most successful writer of all time, Stephen King, seems to be doing okay with that setup, using it for, oh, I don’t know, every story he’s written! But a writer in a novel is different from a writer in a movie. In movies, things need to be visual. More movement is required (move-ment = move-ie). So it’s a trickier balancing act. Let’s see if Perpelitt pulled it off.
Winnie is a “genius” writer if we’re to believe her perfect husband, Jax. Then again, isn’t every writer a genius in the eyes of their other half? It’s a prerequisite for being in a relationship with a writer, yes? But in this case, it’s true. Winnie has already written a bestseller and she’s flying with Jax to Palm Springs to get away from it all and write her next one.
The 27 year-old Winnie is not the easiest person to be with. She’s on multiple anti-depressants and pain killers and she’s extremely moody. A single day with Winnie can result in the best AND worst moment of your year. But Jax is a loving understanding hubby who cares about one thing and one thing only – the well-being of his wife.
Once in Palm Springs, Winnie starts writing, and that’s when shit gets crazy. Her main character, Mara, is 16 years old. Mara used to be in a sexual relationship with her father when she was 12. Now she’s out there banging DJ’s who end up dead afterwards, as well as coupling with sugar daddies with terminal cancer. Yeah, you read all that correctly.
When Winnie is bored, she brings over her new best friend, the young hot-as-fuck neighbor, Sloan, and the two do coke together and talk about Winnie’s ex-boyfriend, RJ. RJ was dangerous and cool and crazy, everything Jax isn’t. And while Winnie hates to admit it, she thinks about him all the time. One night, when she gets black-out drunk, she invites RJ up to Palm Springs, and the next day, she watches in horror as a clueless Jax (who has no idea what RJ looks like, only that Winnie used to date someone with that name) opens the door to RJ.
Winnie does a nice job resisting that temptation, but the combination of drugs and exhaustion and depression send her deeper into the mind of her protagonist, Mara, and, at a certain point, we’re not clear if Mara is the real story or Winnie is. Don’t corner me at a party and ask me what happens next because I don’t know. Things get so unclear that you basically have to draw your own conclusions. But I’m pretty sure several people died. Just don’t quote me on that.
Every writer has to get one of these scripts out of their system – these “nothing is real, or is it?” screenplays. Typically, you write this script in that 24-28 age range, when you’re a few years into the “real world,” but still a low rung on the ladder and unsure why. This results in confusion and frustration. Luckily, you’re a writer. And all your writing teachers tell you to take that emotion and put it on the page! So you do that, hurling complex feelings onto a helpless keyboard like Jackson Pollock, and it feels so good. If feels like you’re examining yourself and saying something. Unfortunately, that experience is one-sided. To the rest of the world, the pages are directionless, an interesting experiment on a road to nowhere.
The problem occurs when you start favoring craziness over plot. The script becomes more about fucking around than answering questions. And that’s exactly what happened here. Midway through this script I wasn’t sure what it was about anymore. I think it was about an unsolved murder. But maybe it was about a girl going crazy? Or maybe it was more about this fictional character Mara trying to find herself? You get the idea. The script wants to be everything and nothing and if there’s any confusion, the burden is on you, the reader, to figure it out.
Perpelitt really stacks the deck against herself, too. This character, Winnie, is extremely unlikable. She’s got this perfect husband who does everything for her and she treats him like garbage, doesn’t appreciate him. She pines for her much more dangerous ex-boyfriend, the one she’s badmouthed to her husband, despite the fact that she’d drop him in a hot second if RJ would be with her. When you mix that in with a story we don’t understand, it’s nearly impossibly to make it work. I know. I’ve been there. Plenty of other writers have been there as well.
A script that did this story much better was Diablo Cody’s “Tully,” specifically because of Cody’s maturity as a writer. She knew that writing this “nothing and everything is real all at once” stuff is a suicide mission so she SIMPLIFIED the story down to one woman having one friendship (spoiler) and it wasn’t until the end that we learned it was all a dream. That setup works so much better, guys. Because that way we’re not so confused all the time and you can use the scenes to explore real conversations and real moments.
That’s not to say the script is a disaster by any means. There’s a clear voice here. The world of the novel is big, colorful, and interesting. And I liked Sloan. Actually, Sloan could’ve been the key to this script working. Had Winnie been a more likable wholesome character, the dark and evil Sloan would’ve contrasted against her more, making their dynamic more compelling. But as written, both of them are bitches. So there was some redundancy there (again, this is something Tully did way better).
Anyways, so yes. I DO think all of you should write one of these scripts to get it out of your system. But they’re minefields, man. Try to keep in mind that, at the end of the day, a script is not meant as a therapy session for yourself. It’s meant to entertain. So if you’re prioritizing the former over the latter, expect a less than excited response.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Another ALWAYS WORKS tip today. This one is the “person in the other room” scene. Here’s how this scenario works. You have three characters. Two characters share a secret or some knowledge that the third character doesn’t know. You then write a scene where that third character has to leave the room for a moment, and your first two characters have a limited amount of time to discuss that secret. It ALWAYS WORKS. And it works because of the ticking clock. We love conversations that have a sense of urgency to them. And this situation sets up the best version of that urgency. So that scene here in Innocent Monsters occurs when RJ shows up at the Palm Springs house. A clueless Jax welcomes him in. The three talk for a moment in the main room. Jax says he’s going to get something to drink, and now we have our scene. Winnie has to convince RJ to leave but now that RJ is here, he wants her. This is one of the best scenes in the script and the “person in the other room” scene is the reason why.
Genre: Drama
Premise: After a young man opens a burger joint, he gets into a war with a salesman who wants to steal his business.
About: “Dededoop dededoop.” Did you hear that? Listen again. “Dededoop dededoop.” Hear it that time? No?? Okay, try imagining a DeLorean. A DeLorean that prefers to go 88 miles per hour. Let’s go a third time: “Dededoop dededoop.” Hear it now? Yup! It’s the ubiquitous sound cue from Back to the Future. Why am I including sound cues from Back to the Future? Because today’s review is an unproduced screenplay from the co-writer of Back to the Future, Bob Gale! Ah, now I have your attention. Not much is known about Jimbo’s Stand other than it hung around for potential development for as long as it could before disappearing forever. Until now!
Writer: Bob Gale
Details: 117 pages (written some time in the 1980s)
This was one of the stranger reading experiences I’ve ever had. I started out thinking, “This probably didn’t get made because Bob Gale is the lesser of the two talents in the Back to the Future team-up and isn’t a very good writer on his own.” Then, 30 pages into the script, I was thinking, “This is one of the best scripts I’ve read all year!” It’s unique, it crackles, it’s full of heart. Then, 60 pages into the script, I realized this was a thinly veiled re-telling of the McDonald’s story. All of the originality went out the room and I was left with what was, essentially, a reverse version of The Founder. Instead of telling the story through Ray Croc’s point-of-view, however, we tell it through the point-of-view of the original creators (or, in this case, creator).
That makes this an interesting case study in that a compelling question can be asked: All else being equal, whose point-of-view makes for the better McDonald’s story? Ray Kroc’s or the original McDonald? The answer is the original McDonald. As we see here, he’s far and away the more sympathetic character. So why tell the story of Ray Kroc instead, as they did in The Founder? Because he’s more famous, of course. You don’t make a biopic about Genghis Khan’s masseuse. You make a biopic about Genghis Khan.
This is something all writers must consider when they come up with an idea. Whose point-of-view should I tell the story from? If you were to write about The Battle of Gettysburg, for example, the story would be drastically different depending on if you told it through the eyes of Union General George Meade or Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Or if you told the story through an individual soldier’s point-of-view. Or an individual nurse. Or a journalist. The options are unlimited and it’s your job as a writer to consider them all before breaking ground.
As for today’s script, it’s told through the eyes of Jimmy “Jimbo” Boatman who’s returning to Springfield after the Korean War. Jimbo already lost his future wife while away, as she’s run off with some salesman to California. But he’s also told that he no longer has his job as a short order cook at his local diner. That’s okay, though. Jimbo decides he’s going to travel west and find his own diner to flip burgers in.
Jimbo drives all the way to San Bernardino, California, where he convinces the owner of a tiny diner called “Eat,” to let him work there for a week. “If I don’t double your profits during that week. You don’t have to pay me a penny.” The owner can’t say no to that. And that’s when we see why Jimbo is so confident. He isn’t just a short order cook. He’s the Tom Cruise in Cocktail of short order cooks. He’ll not only serve you up the best burger you’ve ever tasted. He’ll entertain you in the process.
It isn’t long before the owner sells Jimbo the place and Jimbo turns that “Eat” sign into a “Jimbo’s.” The diner becomes the hottest food joint in town. And Jimbo’s never been happier. That is until Mike Burns shows up, a traveling salesman who’s on the lookout for the next big thing. When he sees Jimbo’s, he knows this is it. Oh, and Mike’s arrival comes with a twist. In the coincidence of all coincidences, this is the man who married Jimbo’s old girlfriend, Carol Anne! Of course, Mike doesn’t know that yet.
Mike offers Jimbo a deal he can’t refuse. He’s going to franchise “Jimbo’s” all across the country and all Jimbo has to do every month is collect a check. Jimbo tells him to fuck off, which infuriates Mike. So Mike does something unthinkable. He goes off and starts the franchise anyway! And he doesn’t stop there. He trademarks “Jimbo’s,” so that not only is it impossible for Jimbo to sue him. But, if he wants, Mike can sue Jimbo!
While Jimbo does win Carol Anne back, Mike’s growing company becomes a nightmare for Jimmy. When franchised “Jimbo’s” start sprouting up in San Bernardino, the two can’t avoid each other any longer. There’s going to be a showdown. That showdown will determine whether Mike or Jimbo will be the one flipping dollar bills for the rest of their lives.
Jimbo’s Stand reminded me that a “tiny” character goal still resonates as long as your hero is passionate about it. This is a movie about a guy who wants to be a short order cook. That’s it! He doesn’t want to win the heavyweight championship of the world. He doesn’t want to become the world’s greatest artist or be the first man on Mars. He wants to be a short order cook.
You’d think that in this day and age, that’d feel small. But Gale does an amazing job selling Jimbo’s zest for the profession. There are numerous scenes where we see how much he loves this job and that’s something a lot of younger writers wouldn’t have included. They’d have one scene to show how much the character loves cooking and that’s it. In Jimbo’s Stand, there isn’t any one scene. The character EMBODIES a cook. It’s who he is. Not what he does.
Gale also has a clear love for this subject matter. That’s another thing writers overlook. You can’t teach a writer to love something he doesn’t. And the difference is whenever you love the subject matter you’re writing about, you go the extra mile to give life to that world. I’ll give you an example.
When we first get to 1953 San Bernardino, a writer who’s writing this script as a job might describe it as, “It’s a desert city on the rise, the future of California.” Instead, here’s how Gale describes it:
And Bernardino in 1953 is a post-war boom town where the car is king… a prototype of suburban sprawl. It’s a town of car lots, gas stations, shopping centers and drive-is, all with ample parking lots. Rows of garish store signs compete for attention and dollars. And everywhere something is under construction.
Jimbo is fascinated. He’s never seen anything like it.
He passes a huge cleared area on the edge of an orange grove with a sign promising “Affordable Family Homes From $8999.”
Further along, a new freeway is under construction.
On another street, Jimbo passes “BOWL-A-RAMA, 32 LANES.” He smiles. He turns a corner, drives along a strip past a TG&Y, a Speed Queen Laundromat, a Car Lot, a Drug Store… Then he slams on his brakes.
You only write with that much detail because you love what you’re writing about. Bob Gale clearly wants to live in this time and place. You can’t fake that.
And that specificity extends to the characters as well. Check out how we detail Mike Burns’ introduction…
The Man is MIKE BURNS. His clothing, like his car, is a little loud and garish, but accomplishes a purpose: people who meet Mike Burns rarely forget him. And, he has a passion for cleanliness. His clothes are cleaned and he looks like he’s just stepped out of the shower.
If that’s not enough, we get even FURTHER clarification on who this character is via Mike’s first character action…
As Burns heads in, he circles wide to avoid passing close to a woman with a 5 YEAR OLD BOY. He reacts to the child with mild uneasiness.
These days writers might describe Mike Burns this way: “He’s a slick-suited hustler with an attitude.” I’m not saying a good short description doesn’t work if you can pull it off. But if it takes a little longer to describe someone perfectly, do it. Because in the end, all that matters is that the reader can imagine the character. If you’re too vague, you run the risk of the character feeling fuzzy, which is the case with 90% of the characters I read in amateur scripts.
Where Jimbo’s Stand goes wrong is in its final 40 pages. This was a script that was most comfortable when it was building Jimbo’s life up, not tearing it down. Once we get to the tear, the story starts feeling manufactured. Each page brings about a Mike with a longer mustache that can more easily be twirled. And the ending, which was clearly inspired by old Frank Capra movies, was so over-the-top it bordered on parody. Which was too bad, because this script really could’ve been great.
Having said that, I’m going to include a script link and encourage you to check it out. The writing itself is awesome. And the setup for the story is flawless. Those things alone are worth learning from. So enjoy!
Script Link: Jimbo’s Stand
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When your character’s goal in life is small compared to what we usually see in movies, you need to romanticize that goal for the audience so they can see it the way the character does. There are numerous scenes, such as Jimbo explaining to another character how he fell in love with the job, that romanticize what would otherwise seem like a tiny dream.
