Genre: Thriller
Premise: Facing the prospect of permanently losing her hearing, a music teacher gets an artificially intelligent cochlear implant that convinces her to commit mass murder.
About: What would you do if the only thing that gave you meaning in this world was to be taken away forever? — If there was an experimental procedure, with untold risks, that could prevent that scenario, would you undertake it? — Murder In Grave is a slow burn thriller, that has been crafted with the sole purpose of emotionally strangling the main character from page one until fade out. A hurdles race where the obstacles get higher and faster the further you go on. — Naturally, as the stakes increase, something always has to give.
Writer: Branko Maksic
Details: 97 pages
It’s been a rough stretch on the site the last couple of weeks as I’ve been handing out “wasn’t for mes” like Kanye MAGA tweets. I’ve actually started to wonder if I’m the problem. Have I read so much that nothing excites me anymore?
Uhhhh… NO!
Tie a cinder block to that hypothesis and throw it in the Mississippi River. I actually don’t need that much from a story to enjoy it. I don’t need major twists. I don’t need subject matter I’ve never seen before. I just need characters who are compelling and feel truthful, and a simple story told well.
Are you hearing me!?
No?
Maybe you need to check your hearing then. :)
Former FBI agent Deborah Holian was at the Oklahoma City Federal Building on that fateful day in 1995 when it blew up. She survived, but lost 90% of her hearing. Due to the power of technology, however, she now wears hearing aids that are so good, she can teach her second love, music.
Unfortunately, Deborah receives the bad news that that final 10% of her hearing is about to go. And when that happens, hearing aids won’t be able to help. But the doctor suggests an alternative. A beta program that requires doctors to fuse an advanced form of “artificially intelligent” hearing aids directly to the brain. If it works, she’ll be able to hear like normal people again.
Deborah goes for it, and is initially thrilled with the results. She can hear her husband, Gene, again. She can hear her son, Jacob, who’s just about to have a baby with his wife. It’s all good under the hood.
That is until Hank arrives. “Hank” is the voice that appears inside of the high-tech hearing aids and starts talking to Deborah. Hank is an asshole. He wants Deborah to do things for him, the first of which is to go to Home Depot. When Deborah refuses, she gets a call from Jacob that his newborn son is missing!
Now that Hank has Deborah’s attention, he says if she wants to see her grandson again, she’ll make that Home Depot run. Long story short, Hank gets Deborah to build a few bombs and plant them at a local park during a busy day. The bombs blow up and a lot of people are killed.
Because Hank is an asshole, he kills the baby as well, and then Gene. By this point, Deborah realizes that Hank is a real person and vows to find him and kill him. But she fails. Hank and his crew of hearing aid avengers kill her instead. The End.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Murder in Grave was yet another script where I had a tough time buying into the concept. From the idea that the hearing aids were artificially intelligent to a disembodied voice being able to order our hero around. It’s not the most unbelievable premise I’ve come across. But there was a casualness to the execution that had me constantly skeptical that any of what I was reading would go down in real life.
Branko’s choice of making Hank a grade-A asshole from the start (his first line is “Wake up, Deborah… I said wake up you fucking cunt.”) was the wrong one. It would’ve been way more interesting if Hank had to first earn Deborah’s trust. Start him off being nice and slowly manipulating her over time, until he eventually became the asshole. The choice to make him a dick from minute 1 to minute 90 made him on-the-nose, unbelievable, and uninteresting.
The script also had a bunch of singular issues that, on their own, weren’t script killers, but when you added them all up, made script death inevitable. Take for instance the opening. Having our hero lose her hearing in the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing was way over-the-top. And it had nothing to do with the rest of the story.
Writers often think they need HUGE REASONS for everything because THIS IS A MOVIE and BIG THINGS HAPPEN IN MOVIES. And while there are certain situations where that makes sense, most of the time something simple will do. We’re talking about hearing loss here. It could’ve been dealt with genetically.
The only relevant-to-the-story information that comes out of that opening is that our hero was an FBI agent. But not only does it take half the script for us to learn this (she’s described in the opening only as a “woman”), but her being an FBI agent has zero effect on the story other than it kinda gives her a little more knowledge of how to investigate where Hank is in those final 20 pages.
If you’re going to assign big labels to your character, those labels need to pay off in a big way. An FBI agent implies a lot to the reader. So to throw that out there and then barely use it is either confusing or sloppy.
Then there were very suspect choices such as killing a baby. Baby-killing is not encouraged. It did work in Thelma, one of my favorite movies of the year, but that death was so carefully set up throughout the screenplay that it made sense when it finally happened. Here, it just seems like we’re killing babies for shock value.
After the dead baby, our main character goes off to get revenge and… fails? They kill her? It was at this point where my head dropped and I just started shaking it. I mean, you already killed a baby. Now you’re not even going to allow the audience the satisfaction of having our hero kill the person who killed the baby?
Even besides that, this is a silly fun genre premise. You don’t kill the main character at the end of a silly premise. You’re not making Braveheart here. You’re making a movie where artificially intelligent hearing aids tell people to kill. At the end of these movies, your hero wins.
There’s actually a great example of this argument during the recent Rampage press tour. The Rock’s character originally died at the end of that script. When The Rock read it and found that out, he told the filmmakers, “If my character dies, I’m not doing this movie.” And the writers and director actually tried to convince him that it was the right choice. He finally shot back an answer that, sadly, showed that The Rock knew more about screenwriting than the professional writers working on that movie: “There’s a crocodile the size of a football stadium in this movie. We’re not making Saving Private Ryan.”
Anyway, this is a tough review to give because there isn’t any one fix that I can point to here for Branko. It’s more of a tonal thing and learning how to make choices that are more organic to the story you’re telling. Hopefully me highlighting some of these choices helps.
Curious to know what you guys think.
Script link: Murder In Grave
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When constructing characters, consider not only where they start, but where they end. If they start as a crazy weird motherfucker and end as a crazy weird motherfucker, that character probably isn’t going to be interesting. That was my issue with Hank. He starts off as a raging asshole and he never changes. Had he started in a nicer (albeit still manipulative) place and then gradually became a raging asshole, now you have a more dynamic character. This is not the case for every character, guys. And the smaller the character, the less you need to worry about this tip. But you should definitely consider it for all of your big characters.
It’s time for another, “Why Isn’t My Script Getting Picked for Amateur Offerings?!” As always, these posts are not meant to humiliate, but rather to educate writers on why their scripts aren’t getting chosen. I’m hoping my explanations act as insight for fellow screenwriters who recognize some of these flaws in their own entries, as well as help writers querying others in the business.
As a bonus, so this isn’t a total Negative Nancy post, please vote for the one script submission you like most in the comments section and I’ll include it in the next Amateur Offerings. Hopefully one of these writers will end up proving me wrong.
ENTRY #1: OUTSIDER DREAMING
SIDENOTE FOR CARSON: I sincerely apologize if I’ve been a bit overwhelming in how often I’ve submitted this. In my first submissions (The Onus of Inspiration and Disbelief) I was immediately given a chance at AOW, while with this re-submission I’ve had very little response. I understand that you do accept re-submissions after the script’s gone through some considerable changes, and I’m hoping this has changed enough to be eligible.
TITLE: Outsider Dreaming
GENRE: Satire
LOGLINE: When two film buff roommates in Washington state become inspired to each make their own movies, conflicting drives of quality and expediency form a rivalry between them. The future of both of their films is put in jeopardy as they question how much they value their differing ideas of artistic integrity.
WYSR: I’m Liam McNeal, a 21-year-old aspiring filmmaker from Washington state. I’ve previously had two screenplays on AOW, one being the earlier draft of this screenplay. Though the original version, titled The Onus of Inspiration, was not accepted for Amateur Friday, I did learn a great deal from the comments despite my knee-jerk objections. The title was changed, the page count was decreased, thus making the story more entertaining and interesting. This is the screenplay I’ve written that I’m most proud of and most excited about. It’s my most personal screenplay, and obviously, I feel it’s the best. I’ve been inspired by countless writers and filmmakers, and I believe that comes across on the page. This story should be one that speaks to the heart of many screenwriters, and I hope you enjoy it. I’m about to start work on the next draft, so I’d appreciate as much feedback as I can get.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: I like the tone of this query. It’s very professional. I get the sense that the writer is serious about the craft and eager to learn more, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers who submit. But there are a few reasons why I’m not choosing this. The first is that I don’t love re-submissions. I don’t think the readers of the site do either. In this business, for better or worse, it’s all about the “new hot thing.” So if you’re serving a dish of leftovers, people aren’t going to be as excited. This is why you should wait until your script is SUPER READY to submit (not just to Scriptshadow, to everywhere) – cause you probably won’t get a second chance.
On top of that, I’m not thrilled about the concept. It feels like one of those scripts that’s going to get lost in how clever it’s trying to be. And when I see “21 year old,” that only confirms that suspicion. Most writers at 21 lack the sophistication to write a tight well-told story. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. But every producer in town would say the same thing. The quick lesson here is that I can’t judge your age if you don’t tell it to me. But the bigger lesson is to keep producing new material.
ENTRY #2: DWELLING
Title: Dwelling
Genre: Erotic Horror
Logline: A couple moves into a house to continue working on their marriage, but their presence upsets a neighbour and her relationship with the demon that dwells within the house.
WYSR: Last year, I got burnt out while trying to develop a horror feature. In the end, the story was unclear, because it continued to change as I used the script to work through issues in my personal life.
I still love the character and that story, but it was my first script and if I hadn’t given up, I wouldn’t have moved on and discovered shorts; where my writing really developed. I also wouldn’t have the ongoing success from two comedies I wrote, while taking a much needed break from horror.
When I returned to horror and subsequently wrote Dwelling, I came with a simple story idea and the experience and positive feedback from having written over a dozen shorts in varying genres.
I love erotic thrillers and erotic horror. If you like either or both, maybe you’ll enjoy Dwelling.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: I’m immediately on guard when someone creates a genre that doesn’t officially exist. “Erotic Horror.” That’s a sub-genre if anything, and not one that I know to be official. Now some of you may say, “C’mon Carson. Why are you being so nit-picky?” Here’s something you have to understand, guys. I’ve seen EVERYTHING. I’ve seen every query, every logline, every script. And there are assumptions you can draw from certain patterns. They don’t ALWAYS end up being true. That’s why I said, “I’m immediately on guard,” and not, “I know for sure the script sucks.” But because past experience has indicated this is going to be a problem, I’m “on guard” moving forward into the query.
The logline is shaky. A couple moves into a house and is working on their marriage. Okay, that’s fine. Then their presence upsets a neighbor who’s in a relationship with a demon? That’s confusing. Does this demon live in our couple’s house or the neighbor’s house? Cause I don’t think either works well. If the demon is in the other house, who cares? They’re not a threat. If the demon is in the couple’s house, then how is the neighbor in a relationship with it? A logline should be clear and easy to understand. This one leaves me with a ton of questions. When I see that the writer has only started writing last year, that was the nail in the coffin. If you’ve been writing for one year, your scripts aren’t ready for primetime. At least that’s what every producer, agent, manager and Scriptshadow will think. Another reason to NOT TELL US how old you are or how long you’ve been writing.
ENTRY #3: THE HOUSE ON SNARE LANE
I hope you’re doing well.
I’d be delighted if you’d consider my new feature script for a slot in an upcoming Amateur Offerings weekend.
It’s already had three Scriptshadow contributors work over previous drafts and offer invaluable advice, so I’d love to see how it fares against the wider community.
Title: That House On Snare Lane
Genre: Coming of age drama
Logline: Four eleven-year-old friends investigate the only supposedly haunted house in town and uncover a mystery that could save a family.
Why you should read: Last year you wrote two articles that especially struck a chord with me. The first was a list of movies that Hollywood would like to make a new version of (not a reboot, but an original new movie that captures a similar spirit to that existing movie). The second was about the power of ‘anchoring’ elements of your screenplay in your own experience. So, here’s my take on number 6 on your list – Stand By Me, anchored to an experience in my own childhood but extrapolated … and with a sprinkle of magic added because, well, the movies should be magical, right?
Thanks for the consideration, and for everything you do with your site – it’s a constant inspiration to me.
If you should come to read the script, I hope you enjoy it.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: To be honest, I put this one on the back burner for a potential future Amateur Offerings. But I can tell you why I didn’t pick it initially. The logline has zero spark. There weren’t any, what I call, “original elements,” that set it apart from other ideas. A haunted house. Kids. A mystery that “could save a family.” That’s about as generically as you could describe the stakes as possible. This logline needs more specificity. It needs detail. It needs elements that help it stand out. Maybe you guys can help the writer in the comments. Or they can e-mail me (carsonreeves1@gmail.com). Logline consultations for just $25! :)
ENTRY #4: ZOMBIE SIMULATOR
ZOMBIE SIMULATOR
GENRE
Horror comedy
LOGLINE
When you get close to 40, you’re supposed to be a responsible adult; instead you’re a zombie, yet conscious, and controlled by a counter-revolutionary group of video gaming teenagers who don’t care how bad all this decadence and violence makes you look.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ
Isn’t it time someone solved the issue of how to tell a story in the first person? What if this script is the one? You won’t know unless you read it. At its core, though, it’s a story about personal responsibility, adulthood, and dealing with one’s shit. Hey, I told you it was a horror movie. Hopefully you get a few laughs, some big surprises, and the feeling that this story was worth telling, and impossible to tell without the “gimmick”. If you have issues with it, or know how to make it better, I’ll be listening avidly. I’d love all your perspectives on it.
Why It Hasn’t Been Picked: Because I’ve read the logline almost 10 times now and I still don’t completely understand it. When you’re 40, you turn into a zombie? Why? Not only that, but you also become controlled by teenagers playing a video game? How did you get in the game? Once you turn 40, are you automatically transported? Or have you always been in the game? There are also random unnecessary phrases (counter-revolutionary) that only add to the confusion. Then, only once we hit the WYSR do we learn that the movie is told from a first-person perspective. That’s a pretty important detail. Shouldn’t it be in the logline? When I finish a logline, there should be a sense of clarity, of understanding exactly what movie I’m getting. This logline achieves the opposite.
ENTRY #5: “THREE SCRIPTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE”
WHY YOU SHOULD READ
In an effort to become an actual screenwriter, rather than just talking about it, I took a step back and had a serious look at my goal and why I hadn’t achieved it yet. The conclusion that I came to was that I simply wasn’t writing enough. One script a year (sometimes two) is no where near enough content. If Max Landis worked at this pace he would be just another desk jockey, whining about how Hollywood is unfair. Instead, he writes dozens of scripts a year, throws them all at the wall and hopes that one or two stick. This is my new approach.
Also, in reading this site, I have come to the conclusion that good writing is second when it comes to breaking into this business. What comes first is a good story. If you have a good idea, then that’s really all the matters. Hollywood will buy said idea rather then see it fall into someone else’s hands — bad writing be damned! The only way to come up with good ideas is to burn through the bad ones. This bring me back to my original point i.e. writing as much as I can!
I wrote these three scripts over a period of three months (with a fourth well on the way). And I will continue to write at this pace until something ‘sticks’.
*
Title: The Dead of Winter
Genre: Horror/Psychological Thriller
Page Count: 106 pages
Logline: When a military brat gets sent to an isolated boarding school in the middle of the worst winter the school has ever experienced, he becomes suspicious when the naughty students begin disappearing, and even more so when no one seems to care.
Why You Should Read:
Personally I never read the WYSR section of the amateur offerings. I find the readers always over exaggerate their scripts, and this usually just sets the script up for failure before I even begin reading it. So I’m not going to beat around the bush here with explanations as to why you should read mine.
The fact is this is a horror/psychological thriller set in an isolated boarding school in the middle of winter. It has kids disappearing, teachers covering it up and a student that may or may not be losing his mind the closer he gets to discovering the truth. If that doesn’t interest you then this script just isn’t for you, no matter how well written it is (and you may also hate movies, so for that I’m sorry).
*
Title: Saving Neverland
Genre: Action/Adventure
Page Count: 117 pages
Logline: A re-imagining of Peter Pan. When Mary Darling is forced by a suspicious character with a hook for a hand to track down a special key that unlocks the path to Neverland, things take an odd turn when a group of teenage boys with swords also turn up looking for that same key.
Why You Should Read: First of all, let me apologize for submitting a Peter Pan script. As I’ve been told already, no one is after this subject matter anymore. I for one can’t understand why that is, as Peter Pan to me has always been like the original superhero, and his popularity in film just makes sense (especially considering today’s film climate). But who am I to tell people what they should and shouldn’t like?
But let me pitch an idea to you. What if… and hear me out on this one… what if this script was picked up my Disney and turned into a Pirates of the Caribbean film? Outrageous I know and by no means my original intention. In fact when I first wrote this four years ago it was just an ordinary action/adventure script. But I recently reopened it and thought that a re-write in the vein of Pirates made sense (purely from a genre perspective). The more I rewrote this script the more I could see it being rewritten again and tailored toward a Pirates film. Is this my ultimate ambition? Not really, but a boy can dream. So please give it a read, try and ignore your hate for Pan and tell me what you think.
*
Title: Masters of Rome
Genre: ‘One Hour TV Pilot’ – Historical Drama
Page Count: 59
Logline: Based on the bestselling Masters of Rome series by Colleen Mccullough. When Rome is threatened by war, political novice Gaius Marius must learn how to defeat his rivals in the Senate if he is to have any chance of leading a Roman army in the field and saving his city from certain destruction.
Why You Should Read:
Rome pretty much invented political drama. I mean, this was a period in history when Senators got into literal fist fights during Senate meetings. Combined this with the most turbulent time in all of Roman history — when the great city state was transforming from a Republic to an Empire — and add into the mix some of the biggest names in Roman history (Gaius Marius, Cornelius Sulla, King Jugurtha), and you have the makings of one of the greatest drama ever told – and it’s all true!
The Masters of Rome series is an exercise in deft storytelling. It is without a doubt my favorite book series of all time, and a story that I think would make excellent television. I’m also an Ancient History major, so I can attest to the accuracy of the story told, and this is something that I believe makes it even more riveting.
I in no way have the rights to this series, but I wanted to write a pilot anyway just to see if I could and to see how it would turn out. I was pleased to find out it turned out rather well.
Why They Haven’t Been Picked: I chose this query specifically because the writer seems like a really good guy and I want to help him. Early on in your screenwriting journey, you get a lot of advice coming from a lot of different directions and it can be hard to sort out which path is the right path to travel down. That confusion is evident in this query. For starters, you never want to submit three scripts. Or two for that matter. It’s the equivalent of saying, “I’m throwing a bunch of shit at the wall to see what sticks.” There’s ALWAYS a best script in your arsenal. It’s usually the last one you wrote. So that’s the only one you should be sending out (unless the agent/producer asks you for more scripts). — The idea driven by Max Landis’s success that you should be churning out 5-6 scripts a year is also incorrect. Writing a good script takes time. At least six months. More likely a year. If you’re just practicing writing, write as many script as you want. But if you’re writing material that’s meant to be seen, you should aim for 2 scripts a year. So I’d tell this writer to keep at it. Mastering this craft is a marathon, not a sprint. The people who think it’s a sprint always fail. Even Max Landis, who was ignored for 8 years, would admit that. Good luck!
Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: (from Black List) A sociopath obsessed with self-improvement claws her way to the top of the fitness world, leaving a trail of broken bodies in her wake.
About: Joe Epstein made some noise last year when Darren Aronofsky bought a secret script of his that follows a courtroom case with an artificial intelligence component. Strangely, that script did not make last year’s Black List. But this one did, sneaking in with the minimum number of votes.
Writer: Joe Epstein
Details: 108 pages
I’m sure it’s hard for any movie fan to focus right now, what with the biggest movie in history coming out tomorrow. But I’ll try and help you pass the time with a little scripty-loo Scriptshadow review.
Today’s script feels like something that would’ve been at the top of the Black List eight years ago, before the dark times, before the Biopic Wars. I find it fun that the Black List has its own trends, just like the real marketplace. But if this nonsense continues, they’re going to be renaming themselves the Biopic List.
Actually, I didn’t know what I was getting into today. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes look into a reader’s head. When a reader starts reading something, the first thing they do is try to identify the genre or movie type they’re reading. They need to understand what movie is playing on that screen so they can judge the script against similar movies.
I was 20 pages deep into this and still couldn’t identify what movie I was reading. I’d never read something like it before. And then it hit me. Ohhhhh. This is the female version of Nightcrawler. Once I understood that, I knew what the script was going for. Let’s find out if it succeeded.
30-something Jacqueline Heath is a hustler. Her current scam is picking up stray cats, drugging them so they look nice and peaceful, then selling them to pet stores. The naturally in-shape Jacqueline sees a much bigger business opportunity one day, however, when she passes a gym. There’s something about the dogged intensity of all the members that inspires her to become a trainer.
Cut to three months later where Jacqueline is a bottom-level trainer at a gym. Jacqueline’s good at her job. But maybe too good? She doesn’t have any limits, so she often overworks her clients to the point where they run away. Pussies.
But that doesn’t stop Jacqueline from pursuing her ultimate goal – to become a superstar trainer. So she heads to FitCon and scams her way in front of the sleazy guy who runs it, Shawn (“with the lean bulk, deep tan, and low-rent confidence that scream either “salesmen” or “pornstar”… receding, Axe-spiked hair that never left Phoenix.”).
Shawn gives Jacqueline some advice. Do a game-changing body transformation video with a client and post it on social media. In fact, he adds, these days fitness trainers can’t just train. They have to invite the world into their lives. So he tells her to get a boyfriend. Get a cute apartment. Video-document-instragram all of it online. People need to believe in a lifestyle. If she can do that, he’ll get her in front of the FitCon sponsor – Reebok!
Jacqueline goes harder than she ever has before. She convinces a weak married dork named Peter to become her transformation project. And she takes advantage of a poor post-breakup dude named Alex, pretending to be his girlfriend so she can post pictures of them as a couple on social media. Sell that lifestyle, baby.
Eventually (spoiler), in her pursuit to make Peter the ultimate transformation, Jacqueline kind of kills him with a heart attack. But this is minor setback in Jacqueline’s eyes. After a fallout with Shawn, she goes over him and takes a direct meeting with the female Reebok rep.
Lucky for Jacqueline, the rep loves her take-no-prisoners female-empowerment message. If Jacqueline can hold everything together for just a few more weeks (and we’re talking about Jacqueline here – a woman who can accidentally kill people), she’ll launch her brand and become the next fitness superstar.
To start, you gotta love any script where the writer starts off with a LITERAL Save-The-Cat scene. Jacqueline saves a stray cat……… only to drug it and then sell it afterwards. I knew immediately I’d been transferred into the dark mind of a clever writer.
The script does a pretty good job setting up its structure. Jacqueline must get Peter into shape to get Shawn to introduce her to Reebok so she can launch her brand to the world. Goals people. That’s the first thing you want to figure out in a screenplay. What’s my character’s goal? Everything else will fall into place after you’ve got that.
I liked the choice of making Jacqueline a sociopath. In general, obsessive people are great character studies. The act of being obsessive necessitates that conflict will come. And conflict is the heart of drama. So that’s good!
With that said, I struggled with this. My biggest problem with the script was that the main character was manufactured. Most sociopaths have a robotic quality to them. I get that. But this goes far beyond the norm, to the point where I stopped seeing Jacqueline as a real person, and instead saw her as a writer creation. Here’s a taste of Jacqueline’s dialogue. In the scene, she’s trying to convince a FitCon worker to let her present.
JACQUELINE
After some consideration, I’ve decided my dynamic program won’t best be showcased with a static booth. So I’ll simply skip that and present to the reps on stage.
MIKE
Unfortunately, presentations are only for enrolled vendors, and enrollment includes a booth.
JACQUELINE
Let’s innovate and find a solution.
“Let’s innovate and find a solution.” She sounds like an A.I. program. And I got tired of that lifeless tone quickly. It was weird because I thought back to Nightcrawler and wondered why I was okay with it then. What I realized was that Louis Bloom still had personality. He could still charm you. We don’t see anything like that with Jacqueline. It’s almost impossible to connect with her.
Another problem was that Jacqueline didn’t have any backstory. When we meet her, she’s literally wandering the streets. She’s too attractive and driven to be homeless. So what is she doing? Where does she live? What was her life like before this?
This is a pet peeve of mine: characters who don’t exist until the writer introduces them. Characters should be seen as real people by their writers. They need an entire life that informs who they are and why they’re at this place when we meet them. I never got that here. And I’m not saying we needed to start with flashbacks of Jacqueline as a little girl. But the writer needs to do that off-page research so that bits and pieces of that character’s past can bleed into the present.
I bring this up because I didn’t believe this was a real person. And if I knew just a little more about her past, maybe that would’ve humanized her.
It’s too bad because the script explores a lot of interesting themes about self-employment and making your own way in a world that’s increasingly uninterested in helping you. How, in order to be successful in a media-obsessed world, you have to invite people into your lives 24/7. And if you’re putting all of your life in front of everyone else, is it really your life anymore?
That stuff was good. I just couldn’t get past this character. There was something inauthentic about her.
Unfortunately, this continues the “wasn’t-for-me” streak to six reviews now! Let’s hope Friday’s Amateur review changes that.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The “train wreck” structure is pretty reliable. It requires you to come up with a character who’s on a path to self-destruction, knowingly or not (preferably “not”). We then watch them barrel, head-on, towards a giant explosion in the third act. Nobody can turn away from a train wreck. So it’s hard for readers not to finish these scripts.
The movie that was so bad, it took down a studio, and gave birth, for better or worse, to modern blockbuster culture.
Genre: Western/Drama
Premise: A sheriff attempts to protect immigrant farmers from rich cattle interests during one of the blackest marks on America’s history, the Johnson Country War.
About: Michael Cimino had just come off winning best picture and best director for his 1978 film, The Deer Hunter. He was the hottest director in Hollywood. Little did he know he was about to direct a film that would not only destroy his career, but bankrupt the studio producing the film, United Artists. The 1980 film cost 44 million dollars to make (130 million in today’s dollars), which was an unheard of amount of money to make a film at the time (for comparison’s sake, 1977’s Star Wars cost just 11 million). The film would go on to gross less than 4 million at the box office. Cimino would earn the reputation of being an obsessive director, routinely demanding as many as 50 takes per shot. To this day, many consider Heaven’s Gate to be the biggest box office bomb in history.
Writer: Michael Cimino
Details: 132 pages (undated)
Heaven’s Gate is one of the most fascinating behind-the-scenes stories about a movie ever. In addition to everything you just read, Heaven’s Gate put the nail in the coffin of the auteur-driven film, allowing for the blockbuster-driven industry we know today to emerge. You might even say that Avengers Infinity War wouldn’t be coming out this weekend had Michel Cimino never directed this film.
Here’s the funny thing: I’ve never seen Heaven’s Gate. I’d heard stories about it. I’d read about it. But because I’d heard the film was so bad, I could never get myself to check it out. With Heaven’s Gate’s failure being blamed almost entirely on its production, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to read the script and see if this movie was doomed even before the cameras started rolling. It should make for an interesting exercise. Let’s take a look.
The year is 1891. The place? Johnson County, Wyoming, where 40 year old James Averill has just become sheriff. Johnson County is experiencing all sorts of upheaval. It’s been inundated with immigrants, many of whom are unskilled and can’t find jobs. As a result, they’re all starving. And because they’re starving, they’ve taken to stealing cattle from surrounding farmlands to survive.
The Wyoming Stock Growers Association, the richest association of its kind in the world, has had enough of this. Despite countless attempts to jail these felons, the weak court system has made it impossible. So they take matters into their own hands by putting together a list of over 100 immigrants in Johnson County known to have stolen cattle, and have gotten permission from the governor to kill them.
Averill is shocked. But he’s got bigger problems. The love of his life, a young beautiful prostitute named Ella, is an immigrant as well as on the list. She’s been trading sex for meat from the stolen cattle.
Then there’s Nate Champion. Champion is an immigrant himself who’s been hired by the Wyoming Stock Growers Association, and has already killed several of his fellow immigrants for the company. Champion is also in love with Ella. She doesn’t like him as much as Averill, but at least he’s always around, something Averill can’t claim.
One day Averill shows up with a car, tells Ella that the WSGA is coming, and that if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll drive as far away from here as possible. When it’s clear he means just her and not them together, she’s furious, and decides to stay. As D-Day looms for the offending immigrants, Ella, Averill, and Champion must all decide what it is they really want, and if they’re willing to risk their lives for it.
Well highty-ho.
If we’re ONLY going by the script, here, I didn’t think this was that bad.
I was expecting something abysmal. But the seeds of a good movie are definitely here.
The trick with writing a good script is getting two things right.
A strong central conflict to drive the narrative.
A strong personal conflict to drive the character journeys.
Heaven’s Gate has both. On the plot side, we have this mass assassination looming. We know all these people are going to be killed. We know that a big showdown is coming. Any script would be happy to have those kinds of stakes.
On the personal side, we have this clever love triangle that’s really well conceived. The sheriff is in love with one of the immigrants who’s going to be assassinated. That same woman is also in a relationship with one of the men tasked with killing the immigrants (unknowingly). And in the ultimate display of irony, he’s an immigrant himself!
Screenwriters work very hard to come up with setups like this. There are a lot of layers going on inside an exciting setup with high stakes.
So what went wrong?
Well, a few things. We find out about the looming mass-assassination plan at the beginning of this two hour movie. Yet it doesn’t happen until the very end. That’s a long time to make an audience wait. And what can sometimes happen if you make people wait that long is they simply lose interest. Deciding when to introduce plot points is crucial in sustaining interest and I probably would’ve had this revelation show up later in the story, somewhere between pages 45-60.
Also – and this may have been a result of that mistake – Averill doesn’t do a whole lot when he learns of this information. He finds out at the same time we do, and his solution is to wander back to Johnson County, play with Ella for a little bit, bounce around town, and only THEN, halfway into the story, tell the town that the WSGA is coming to kill them.
I feel like if I had that information, I’d run back home immediately and start solving the problem. If your Hero Sheriff isn’t active in the face of 100+ of his people about to be killed, what kind of hero is he? I mean if he had a reason to keep the information to himself, that’d be fine. But he seems to keep it to himself merely because he’s lazy or the writer needs him to. I needed way more from Averill. But outside of a few intense scenes where he tells Ella she should leave town, he doesn’t do much.
On the personal front, it’s more complicated. They had this great setup where two men loved the same woman and she’s going to be killed and one of them is part of the group that’s doing the killing and she liked the other more than him but he won’t commit. That’s a mighty powerful stick of dynamite there. And yet they never lit the wick.
You kept waiting for the situation to explode but Cimino instead opted for a lot of tiny cuts and nicks, attempting to bleed the situation out. For example, when Ella finds out that Champion is working for the WSGA, she gets really mad at him in the scene, but, going forward, it doesn’t bother her that much.
And Averill was so damn wishy-washy about whether he liked Ella or not and Champion was so strangely unbothered that Ella was with Averill that the whole love triangle thing petered out before it even got started.
It’s like they came up with the killer concept of a Rubik’s Cube, but weren’t sure how to manipulate it so that all the colors appeared on their proper sides.
Also, the script is extremely overwritten, even for a writer-director. There would be passages of 19-20 lines where not a single relevant action was given. What I mean by that is there would be 20 irrelevant lines describing the town square and the trees and the wind, as opposed to one relevant line like, “Averill steps up to Champion, sizing him up,” – you know? Something that creates drama, conflict, entertainment, or excitement.
And, honestly, I think that hurt the movie. You can see that Cimino’s so obsessed with the visuals and the feel of the film that he’s forgotten what’s most important – the story. This is a movie. Shit needs to happen onscreen. Frequently. You start violating that rule enough and the audience checks out.
Assuming this draft is similar to the final film, I still don’t have any interest in seeing it. If Cimino had been a little more economical – just a little – and told a tighter story, that may have changed. But this feels more like an excuse to sweep the technical categories at the Oscars than it does making a movie that mass audiences would enjoy.
Script Link: Heaven’s Gate
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Sustaining a single looming plot thread for an entire movie is hard to do. It can be done in really funny or action packed movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark or Superbad. But it’s much tougher in slower films. For that reason, consider revealing the main plot thread a little further down the line. And that would’ve worked great here. If, on page 45, Averill stumbled into the revelation that a hundred immigrants were going to be killed while investigating a murder, you gain the in-the-moment excitement from that revelation PLUS you only have to sustain suspense for 60 pages as opposed to 90.
We’re so close to Avengers Infinity War I can taste it like I can taste a ripe tomato on a freshly fried In and Out burger. I can feel it within my talons – the biggest superhero movie ever made. Yet I have to wait an entire week to sample the goods!? What country do I live in! Syria!? I have no doubt life hates me. And on top of that you casually drop the news that the Kardashians have closed all their Dash stores?? Where is a fashion-conscious person supposed to shop dammit!!! It’s like I’m literally watching Armageddon rain down around me.
Which is why I’m so so happy to interrupt this awful news with… (shouting from the rooftops voice) “AAAMMMMMATEEEEEUR OFFFERRRRINGS!” It’s the place where you, the mild-mannered screenwriter, the little guy with a big idea, can be featured in a one-weekend battle royale style tournament, and IF YOU WIN, you get a review on the site next Friday. What could that review lead to? Try money. Fame. Hundreds of adoring Twitter fans. I call that the sweetest deal on the internet.
Don’t be shy folks. If you believe you have a screenplay that is reverse-Armageddon worthy, submit it for a future Amateur Offerings! Send me a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and why you think people should read it (your chance to pitch your story). All submissions should be sent to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com.
Rules of amateur offerings: Read as much as you can from each script and vote for your favorite in the comments!
Title: Messiah Complex
Genre: Crime/Thriller
Logline: A Salt Lake City P.I. is put directly in the crosshairs of a deranged cult when he’s hired to find the sister of an ambitious public official.
Why You Should Read: I’ve been sending this one out to contests after it got decent coverage. Eager to see what the scriptshadow community thinks. If you like neo-noir, mystery, dark humor, cults, etc., you’ll enjoy this incredibly twisted rabbit hole. Hard-boiled, quirky, and even shocking.
Title: Murder In Grave
Genre: Thriller
Logline: Facing the prospect of permanently losing her hearing, a music teacher gets an artificially intelligent cochlear implant that convinces her to commit mass murder.
Why Should You Read? What would you do if the only thing that gave you meaning in this world was to be taken away forever? — If there was an experimental procedure, with untold risks, that could prevent that scenario, would you undertake it? — Murder In Grave is a slow burn thriller, that has been crafted with the sole purpose of emotionally strangling the main character from page one until fade out. A hurdles race where the obstacles get higher and faster the further you go on. — Naturally, as the stakes increase, something always has to give.
Title: Bet Your Life
Genre: Dark Comedy
Logline: A suicidal gambling addict is drawn into a plot to rob the betting office she used to own.
Extended logline: … But between her dysfunctional support group friends, an ex-fiance who doesn’t want her back, a magpie that won’t leave her alone and a dice-wielding, luck-obsessed psychopath, it appears that Lady Luck may have other plans for her life.
Why You Should Read: This is that script that I’ve never been able to cut my losses on (ironic and topical). And recently, after a creative buzz, I tore off my shackles, leaned into my weirds and killed a few babies (in screenwriting terms only, I’ve only killed one baby* in real life, and that was an “accident” – we’ve all been there, an annoying baby screaming in his pram, the top of a grand staircase and Leslie Nielsen nowhere in sight and whoops an “accidental” passing nudge). Anyway, I digress….
This script is very In Bruges-y in tone, part comedy, part drama but with female central characters. It draws heavily on themes of luck and addiction with some serious scientific examination thrown in for good measure… That being how high up you’d need to be to guarantee instant death if you threw yourself from a building. Important stuff. — As for me, I’ve been writing (in my spare time) for nearly ten years. I have a receipt from a UK University saying this is more than a just a hobby so I hope to tickle your fancy, your balls and/or your boobs (yes, potentially both. Inclusive, so…) and invite you to indulge in my script.
*That baby was really ugly. And he had the look of a baby who would grow up to kill babies.
Title: Sentinel
Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller
Logline: After the U.S. government unleashes a terrifying secret weapon to hunt down illegal border-crossers, a female border agent is forced to work with a vicious cartel gangster to ferry a young migrant to safety.
Why You Should Read: Sentinel was a semifinalist at the 2012 Nicholls and came in 2nd place in the sci-fi/action category at the PAGE Awards. This script landed me a manager and was sent around Hollywood. (The logline was actually selected by Scriptshadow in a Top 100 loglines contest–it was called Coyote back then). — Sentinel received a lot of great responses from agents and producers but back in 2012-13 the general consensus was that illegal immigration was not a saleable concept. Well fast forward to 2018 and Trump is building a wall and movies like “Get Out” and “A Quiet Place” are proving that tough topics and sci-fi monster stories are alive and kicking. — Sentinel is a tight, relentless thriller that tackles racism, illegal immigration, and redemption in a bold new way. I think Scriptshadow readers will really enjoy it.
Title: Skin and Sinew
Genre: Historical Thriller
Logline: When a Confederate raid on his small Native American tribe results in the death of his Queen and people, an ancient creature with the ability to assume any human form embarks on a mission to hunt down the general responsible for the massacre.
Why You Should Read: If I were to play the comparison game and elevator-pitch my movie, I’d say it’s “Under the Skin” meets “The Revenant.” Set during the closing years of the American Civil War, “Skin and Sinew” is brutal, violent and grim; a down-and-dirty B-movie revenge story not unlike the classed-up exploitation flicks that S. Craig Zahler has excelled in. If you’re looking for a head-smashing, bone-crunching good time, give this bad boy a shot. Many thanks to anyone willing to check it out; I look forward to reading what the community (and, God willing, Carson) has to say about it!
