Genre: Superhero
Premise: When Peter Parker’s spider DNA starts to mutate, limiting his abilities, he’s forced to call in The Hulk and The Punisher to help him stop a new villain who can hop between bodies.
About: This movie has made more money than anything ever in the history of ever. Well, maybe not that much. But a lot! Possibly the most money in a weekend ever. It’s a huge boon to the business, reminding us that people still love movies when you give them something irresistible. Because screenwriters are the last people looked at in a film like this, I’m going to give them some screen time! Chris McKenna and Eric Sommers met while writing on American Dad! They later wrote on Community together, where they were responsible for two of the most iconic episodes (“Remedial Chaos Theory” and “Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design”). But they launched themselves into the feature world with two gigantic, and some might say, unexpected, hits: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and The Lego Batman Movie. But all is not glitter and gold. As often happens on these giant projects, the major stars of the film fight back when scenes or sections of the movie aren’t working to their expectations, and it appears that Tom and Zendaya felt that way here, resulting in Zendaya calling in her Challengers screenwriter, Justin Kuritzkes, to rewrite some of the script. It’s never as cozy as they make it seem, guys!
Writers: Chris McKenna and Eric Sommers
Details: 2 hours and 25 minutes long
I was trying to figure out why Spider-Man is the king of superhero movies. How does he have no rival? How does he rise above a genre that everyone with a mature movie IQ knows is heading the way of the Western? It took me one long afternoon sitting up amongst the La Cienega oil rigs to figure it out. But I finally did.
I’ll share what I realized later. In the meantime, there are so many other interesting things to talk about. Spider-Man: Brand New Day might as well be called Spider-Man: Screenwriting Topic Smorgasbord.
If you haven’t seen the film, here’s a spoiler-filled rundown.
Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, is consumed with his work. Remember, nobody remembers who he is anymore, including MJ (Zendaya) and Ned. So he’s thrown himself into his work. That’s made his life very singular. Spider-Man is going it alone.
But then Spidey’s spider mutation starts amping up. His senses become overloaded, making it hard for him to do his job. So he goes to the one guy who knows the most about keeping your senses in check, Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk.
Bruce helps him come up with an “inhibitor” device that keeps his more aggressive spider mutations quiet. But no sooner has he figured that problem out than he encounters a strange new villain that can hop between bodies.
This signifies the “goal” (“G” in GSU) for our hero in the story, and it doesn’t come until 45 pages into the script! Normally, in a screenplay, you want this coming between pages 12 and 20. But Spider-Man can get away with this because he’s the most likable superhero ever. So don’t think you can start pulling this crap in your own screenplays!
After a side quest where Spider-Man finally reveals to MJ that he’s Peter Parker and they had a whole past together (a side-quest the writers only barely connect to the main plot), it’s revealed that our big main villain is, in fact, Jean Grey.
Don’t know who that is? Well, if you saw Spider-Man this weekend, you would’ve been alerted to the fact that that’s a very big deal by the resounding “Oooooooh” you heard from everyone around you. Jean Grey is a major player in The X-Men.
So finally – FINALLY – our full plot has emerged. And we’re now a good 100 pages into the script. We gotta stop Jean Grey and whatever she’s up to. Well, apparently, she was trying to free her sister from an evil corporation.
Instead, though, she gets caught by that organization. And when she takes control of it from within, it’ll be up to Spider-Man and The Punisher (forgot to tell you, he’s in the film too) to take Jean Grey out. Or, you know, help her realize that she’s wrong so she can have a massive character arc and turn into a good guy. I’m not going to share which of those two possibilities happens (it’s the second).
Carson pondering Spider-Man success in the L.A. oil fields
The reason I went deeper on today’s plot summary is because I find it fascinating that these gigantic studio properties can do things in screenwriting that the average Joe screenwriter isn’t allowed anywhere near.
We don’t reveal the goal… until 45 minutes into the film! We don’t reveal the bad guy… until 100 minutes into the film! It’s crazy. You can’t even dream of doing that in a spec script. And you really shouldn’t be doing it in a studio comic book movie either because it creates problems.
The number one problem is, this movie is designed to arc Jean Grey. They’re trying to make a complex villain here. And they’re trying to do it after us not meeting the villain until 100 minutes into the movie. Which means you have to really scrunch together this arc.
Do they achieve it?
I actually think they pulled it off by the skin of their teeth. It was just believable enough that it worked. But could it have been better? Without question. There was so much in this movie that didn’t need to be here. You didn’t need MJ and Ned. That was all subplotty stuff. You didn’t need The Punisher. He did not need to be in this movie. You didn’t even really need Hulk.
If you would’ve stripped all of that out, we could’ve met Jean Grey at a traditional midpoint (55-60 minutes into the film) and really focused on her storyline and helped us get to know her better so that we would’ve really been on board with her arc at the end.
Cause there’s this really nice late-story scene where Peter Parker and Jean Grey are in his mind, back in his old apartment talking about the similar issues they’re going through in life. And it’s really the culmination of both their arcs. It works surprisingly well. But if this movie didn’t have all these ridiculous unnecessary distractions, it could’ve been iconic. Cause it would’ve been culminating the ONLY THING the story was about.
I think when people look back at this movie, it’s hard to figure out what it’s about because so much stuff was in there.
But the truth is, this is how professional screenwriting works. You don’t get to write what you want. Tom Holland comes to you and says, “I want The Punisher to be in this movie because he’s my favorite comic book character. And I want my wife in this movie. And even though she’s pointless, I want to give her some scenes that actually matter.” Now it’s your job to figure out how to do all that even though it’s turning your screenplay into a bloated mess.
But I will say this. Spider-Man movies are a clear cut above the other comic book movies out there outside of maybe Batman. And I believe the people involved in this franchise genuinely feel a responsibility to the fans. Which is something that’s rare in this business. A lot of people involved in big franchises SAY they care about the fans. But the truth is, they don’t. They care about money. Which is why so many bad Marvel movies have been made this decade. They were not thinking about the fans.
With this movie though, the first thing you see is Tom Holland thanking you for coming to the theater and telling you how much he knows this character means to people and how he takes that responsibility very seriously. And you can tell it’s not lip service. I get the sense that Tom Holland can’t sleep at night until he knows that he’s done everything in his power to make his latest Spider-Man movie as good as it can possibly be.
Even if you don’t like this movie (and I would understand that by the way. As a screenwriting enthusiast, this script is problematic for the reasons I brought up above), I don’t think you can argue that anybody who was a part of this movie didn’t care. I believe they did everything they could to make this movie work.
Even Bruce Banner. You don’t need The Hulk in this movie. So when you see him in the trailers, your first thought is, “Studio trying to get more money!” But when you watch the film, you realize that they didn’t pick him arbitrarily. He went through such a similar thing as Peter Parker is going through now, that it makes sense that he be the superhero that Peter goes to for help.
Getting back to my original question, why is Spider-Man a cut above all these other superhero wannabes who less and less people are showing up to see?
It actually took me seeing Supergirl a month ago to be able to compare the two in a way that gave me the answer. Spider-Man is the purest example of a character with superpowers being placed in AN ORDINARY WORLD. He’s someone with spider powers operating in New York City. Simple and to the point.
That is the foundation for why superheroes work. CONTRAST. The contrast between their extraordinary-ness and the world’s ordinary-ness. The second you fuck with that contrast, the whole superhero formula starts falling apart.
Supergirl had several problems. But at the heart of its issues was an extraordinary person being placed in extraordinary environments (space, alien planets, etc). No contrast at all.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to make extraordinary on extraordinary work. But it’s a lot harder. Because the contrast is the biggest bang-for-your-buck element that makes superheroes work. Get rid of it, and you have to be perfect with all the other elements to make up for it.
I will die on this hill that the multiverse was the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened to superhero movies because it created an endless string of extraordinary on extraordinary films.
Back to Spider-Man.
Consider the fact that, for the first time in I can’t remember how long, we got a superhero movie where our superhero looked like he was walking through real environments. I guess Thunderbolts did that too but that movie had issues for other reasons. But seriously! Psychologically, it makes a difference when I feel like we’re in a real place! These stupid ass studios have lost the plot with green screen on top of green screen on top of AI. We’re not looking at ANYTHING on the screen that’s real and they put their heads in the sand on this stuff. They still think it’s okay to do but between Obsession and Odyssey and now this, maybe they’ll wake up. We’ll see. They better. Because this movie may be bigger than Doomsday. Which would be nuts. One simple superhero being bigger than all the superheroes.
Spider-Man: Brand New Day was a good movie. And it did about as good of a job as a studio movie can do creating a character-focused film. For that reason, I definitely think it’s worth checking out in theaters.
[ ] What the hell did I just watch?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the price of admission
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: In order to drive a theme home, it helps if multiple characters in the movie are exhibiting flaws tied back to that theme. The big theme of this movie is this: you can’t do it alone. We all need people in our lives in order to live a fruitful life. This “trying to do it alone” flaw is reflected in Peter Parker, The Punisher, and Jean Grey. The overcoming of that flaw (by all three characters) is a big part of what makes the climax so satisfying.
Got a great movie idea? Pitch it down below! Better yet, pitch 5 of them!
If you’re just stumbling across Scriptshadow for the first time, what you’re seeing is probably overwhelming. But it is reality. This is a screenplay contest where you have to pitch a great idea to get in.
Exactly 50 ideas have gotten in so far.
I’m hoping for something big this final weekend. I’m hoping for TWENTY-FIVE ideas to get in. That’ll give us exactly 75 scripts with legitimate chances at selling. That’s because here at the High Concept Club Contest, every script idea is vetted by myself and you guys.
If you haven’t been to one of these yet, here’s how it works. In the comments section, you pitch your script title, your genre, and your logline.
You get to pitch 5 loglines. We are in weekend 4, aka the final weekend. If you want to see how high the bar is, you can check out the 16 loglines that made it through in Week 1, the 20 that made it in in Week 2, and the 14 that made it in in week 3.
If you aren’t sure what a high concept is, go back to the inaugural contest post where I explain what ‘high concept’ means, and give you examples of high concept as well as what’s NOT high concept.
If you come up with a script idea strong enough to get into the contest, you will have 6-7 months to write your script. The prize is the exposure. Industry people are watching this contest. I’m speaking to them all the time. They like what we’re doing here. So keep the loglines coming!
Okay, now to the rules.
1) Pitching ends on Sunday at 11:59pm Pacific Time.
2) You can pitch five loglines each weekend.
3) Make sure you pitch each logline in its own comment. Do not pitch all 5 loglines in a single comment. This is because I need to vote yes or no on individual loglines.
4) I will vote on every single logline pitched. I will give you either a “yes,” a “strong maybe,” a “maybe,” or a “no.” A “yes” is the Holy Grail. It means you not only get in, but you can also send me a 5 page outline of your script before you write it and I will give you notes on it. This is HUGE because what I learned from the Blood & Ink contest is that a lot of writers went down weak creative paths that I could’ve prevented had I seen their outline.
5) If you get a “maybe” or a “strong maybe,” your loglines will be moved into a separate voting day, either Tuesday (the strong maybes) or Wednesday (the maybes). The readers of the site will vote on the best of those loglines and only a portion of them will go through. Also, not every “maybe” will make the Wednesday list.
6) The large majority of ideas will get a “no.” The bar is high here. I will try to explain why I didn’t pick a logline after my vote. If you want a more extensive breakdown of your logline, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com and get a $25 logline consult.
7) Upvoted Entries – Upvote any loglines that you like (besides your own). If an idea gets 20 upvotes, the concept gets in. However, if I don’t like the concept, I can veto it.
8) Golden Weekend Ticket – The ‘strong maybe,’ ‘maybe’ or ‘no’ entry with the most upvotes each weekend automatically gets in. Therefore, even if I’ve voted “no” on something, and you like the idea, you still want to upvote it because that entry might win the Golden Ticket.
9) (**CHANGED**) Posters – You can include an AI poster with your logline for THREE IDEAS THIS WEEKEND. I’m doing this because 5 or so entries got in specifically because the poster helped me understand the idea better. However, I’ve seen some crappy posters over the last two weeks. Sometimes they actually hurt a logline. Ask the people who are good at posters how they did them. It’s easier than you think.
10) You can get multiple ideas into the contest. But you must choose only one to write.
11) You CAN pitch scripts that have already been written.
A quick reminder that my popular logline consultation service ($25 per logline, $100 for 5) is available. If you want a more extensive reason for why I didn’t pick your logline, order one. If you want to see ahead of time if a logline has a shot, order one. You can also do a deluxe logline consult ($50) where we keep workshopping the logline until it’s perfect. 4 loglines got into the last pitch contest that way. But most of them did not. So, don’t think it’s a guarantee. If you want to use this service, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com.
This weekend for Carson will include sleep, Spider-Man, tennis, a couple of farmer’s markets, a visit to the new Laurel Supply store, a visit to Courage Bagels, and a Beverly Hills meeting where this very contest will be talked about. Therefore, DO NOT HAVE A MELTDOWN IF I DON’T RESPOND TO YOUR LOGLINE RIGHT AWAY OR YOU GET STUCK IN MODERATION. I’ll make sure to get to it by the end of the weekend.
If you want to bypass moderation, comment: “Bypass me please,” and I will try to whitelist you. From then on, your comments should appear immediately.
Who gets the “HOLY SHIT LOGLINE OF THE WEEKEND” award this weekend???
Pitching begins… NOW!!!
No voting today. Just another appreciation post. Congrats everyone who made it through the gauntlet! Over 1000 pitches and you 14 made it through!
If you want to see the 16 scripts that made it in Week 1, you can check them out here. If you want to see the 20 scripts that made it in Week 2, check them out here.
If you haven’t made it into the competition yet or if you’re gearing up to play for the first time, we have just ONE MORE PITCH WEEKEND left. Starting this Friday (through Sunday) is Week 4. You will be able to pitch 5 loglines.
Our Week 3 contenders are…
Title: No Way Down
Genre: Contained Survival Thriller
Logline: When a scientific expedition discovers a hidden ecosystem in a remote rainforest valley, they become trapped on the vast web of an undiscovered species of spider, a hundred feet above the jungle floor, where the only way out is across.
Writer: Arthur
Title: Her Book Boyfriend
Genre: Romantasy, Comedy
Logline: A pretentious publisher wakes up trapped inside his wife’s trashy fantasy novel and must win her back before she falls for the hunky shapeshifting dragon prince who is everything she wishes he was.
Writer: Mary Tay
Title: The Black Meridian
Genre: Action Sci-Fi
Logline: When treasure hunters search the Bermuda Triangle for a legendary pirate ship that disappeared, they’re swept back in time and hunted by the very ship they came to find.
Writer: Anon E. Moose
Title: Breakfast With Tiffany
Genre: Science Fiction Romance
Updated Logline: When a lonely night-shift radio astronomer falls for the mysterious woman he speaks to each night over the airwaves, he discovers she’s the first intelligent life beyond Earth, and must choose between revealing humanity’s greatest discovery or protecting the woman he’s fallen in love with.
Writer: Erica
Title: Undroid
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When a tech firm fails to deliver a humanoid robot in time, a young female trainee must take its place for a short demonstration – then a whole weekend with a wealthy, important and lascivious investor.
Writer: TigerMoomin
Title: Body Count
Genre: Horror
Logline: After discovering his former dating app matches are inexplicably meeting gruesome deaths, a former fuckboy must discover the cause before the line of death reaches his last match: his fiancée.
Writer: I’msorrydave
Title: Possessive
Genre: Supernatural Thriller
Logline: After dumping his toxic, manipulative girlfriend, a man reenters the dating scene. But when every new woman he dates begins exhibiting his ex’s exact, terrifying behaviors, he begins to suspect she has found a way to body-hop into them.
Writer: Have99kitkat
Title: Good Fences
Genre: Sci Fi thriller
Logline: A neighborhood wakes up to discover their yard fences have moved and formed a complex maze around their homes and as the maze shifts every ten minutes, they are forced into unresolved conflicts with neighbors, dark secrets, and crushed homes to escape it, facing the realization they are but mice in a heartless study.
Writer: Randy Williams
Title: The Wrong Hood
Genre: Fantasy Action-Comedy
Logline: A bullied student-outcast passionate about all things medieval is pulled through a magic portal into Sherwood for the adventure of his dreams, only to accidentally get Robin Hood killed – and forcing him to replace the legend as the leader of outcasts in a story he knows by heart but is wildly unqualified to lead…
Writer: Rewrittenver3
Title: How I Died
Genre: Sci-fi Thriller
Logline: When a widow’s AI husband investigates the mysterious disappearance of the man he replaced—he begins to suspect his new wife may have something to do with the original’s death.
Writer: James
Title: Two Steps Away
Genre: Thriller
Logline: After leaving her lover for dead in a hotel room to save her marriage, a suburban wife is horrified when he moves in next door with his secret wife and children, forcing them into a deadly standoff where neither can destroy the other without destroying themselves.
Writer: Kit Anderson
Title: Blue Origin
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When a publicity stunt goes wrong, sending an all-female celebrity spaceflight catastrophically off course, its crew of pop stars and influencers must overcome their egos and lack of training to become the astronauts they were pretending to be to make it back home alive.
Writer: AEL
Title: A Claus For Concern
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When their young kids stop believing in Santa, two Christmas‑obsessed parents launch a chaotic, last‑minute expedition to the North Pole to prove he’s real.
Writer: drifting in space
Title: Stormline
Genre: Disaster Thriller
Logline: When an avalanche cripples the last cable-car line evacuating a mountain resort before a record blizzard, a former ropeway mechanic must cross the roofs of its swaying cabins to stabilize a collapsing support tower before the storm tears the entire line down.
Writer: D. Lawrence
Which premise gets you most excited???
Okay, I’ve FINALLY voted on all the loglines from the weekend.
If I didn’t vote on your logline, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com and if I confirm that I did not vote on it, you’ll have an extra logline pitch next weekend where you can resubmit that pitch.
Before you vote on today’s entries, some congratulations are in order.
Let’s start with the HOLY SHIT LOGLINE OF THE WEEKEND, a new award given here at Scriptshadow. It was a close race between spiders and pirates but the final call is…
Title: NO WAY DOWN
Genre: Contained Survival Thriller
Logline: When a scientific expedition discovers a hidden ecosystem in a remote rainforest valley, they become trapped on the vast web of an undiscovered species of spider, a hundred feet above the jungle floor, where the only way out is across.
Writer: Arthur
No Way Down was also one of only two concepts that got an elusive “yes” vote this weekend (I upgraded it from a strong maybe). I also want to give a shoutout to the golden ticket winner this weekend. That entry comes from Mary Tay.
Title: Her Book Boyfriend
Genre: Romantasy, Comedy
Logline: A pretentious publisher wakes up trapped inside his wife’s trashy fantasy novel and must win her back before she falls for the hunky shapeshifting dragon prince who is everything she wishes he was.
Writer: Mary Tay
Awesome job by both writers.
Next up, we have our other “yes” entry which came in at the last second so many of you probably missed it. I love this idea.
Title: The Black Meridian
Genre: Action Sci-Fi
Logline: When treasure hunters search the Bermuda Triangle for a legendary pirate ship that disappeared, they’re swept back in time and hunted by the very ship they came to find.
Writer: Anon E. Moose
Moving on to sad news. It’s time to discuss the VETOES. Now, when it comes to these vetoes, I’m doing them for a very specific reason. When these scripts are finished, it’ll be my job to pitch them to Hollywood. And if I don’t believe in the core concept, I’m not going to send you down a six month road of writing something that, when finished, there’s a 99% chance I won’t like, or that I don’t think has a chance in the market.
But here’s the good news. If you did get 20 votes, your script is probably still worth writing. It’s just not my personal thing. So, I hope nobody is taking this personally.
VETO #1
Title: TIMELAND
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
Logline: When tourists across a dozen eras stop returning to the world’s first time-travel resort, the security chief who declared the excursions safe must lead a rescue team through past centuries before the missing are erased from the present.
Writer: Jaco
VETO #2
Title: Alive and Kicking
Genre: Action
Logline: After waking from a 15-year coma, a government assassin out for revenge and hunted by her old employers discovers the man who tried to kill her is now President of the United States.
Writer: Scott
VETO # 3
Title: Dead of Night
Genre: Horror
Logline: When a young family moves to an off-grid homestead to escape the modern world, they quickly realize their secluded paradise is actually a hunting ground for a savage clan of backwoods, redneck vampires.
Writer: Nick Morris
Okay, now let’s announce the entries that got voted in by you guys!
Title: Breakfast With Tiffany
Genre: Science Fiction Romance
Updated: When a lonely night-shift radio astronomer falls for the mysterious woman he speaks to each night over the airwaves, he discovers she’s the first intelligent life beyond Earth, and must choose between revealing humanity’s greatest discovery or protecting the woman he’s fallen in love with.
Writer: Erica
Tally: 35 upvotes
Title: Undroid
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When a tech firm fails to deliver a humanoid robot in time, a young female trainee must take its place for a short demonstration – then a whole weekend with a wealthy, important and lascivious investor.
Writer: TigerMoomin
Tally: 28 upvotes
Title: Body Count
Genre: Horror
Logline: After discovering his former dating app matches are inexplicably meeting gruesome deaths, a former fuckboy must discover the cause before the line of death reaches his last match: his fiancée.
Writer: I’msorrydave
Tally: 26 upvotes
Title: Possessive
Genre: Supernatural Thriller
Logline: After dumping his toxic, manipulative girlfriend, a man reenters the dating scene. But when every new woman he dates begins exhibiting his ex’s exact, terrifying behaviors, he begins to suspect she has found a way to body-hop into them.
Writer: Have99kitkat
Tally: 25 upvotes
And a special entry, which didn’t quite get 20 upvotes, but I’m bringing it in because it had the best poster of the week!
Title: Good Fences
Genre: Sci Fi thriller
Logline: A neighborhood wakes up to discover their yard fences have moved and formed a complex maze around their homes and as the maze shifts every ten minutes, they are forced into unresolved conflicts with neighbors, dark secrets, and crushed homes to escape it, facing the realization they are but mice in a heartless study.
Writer: Randy Williams
Tally: 18 upvotes
Wow, that was a lot. Finally, we can start today’s voting! Important info. TODAY IS THE ONLY DAY OF VOTING. There are no more entries to vote on tomorrow. That means, yes, a lot of “maybes” were eliminated. Only the best of the best survived today.
There are 12 total entries. Only 6 of them will get through. Each entry will have its own comment in the comment section. To vote for that entry, simply click the “upvote” button for it. You can vote for as many ideas as you want. But make your vote valuable. Only vote for movies you’d really want to see.
TODAY’S ENTRIES START HERE
Title: In Search of Vulcan
Genre: Drama
Logline: After his scheming Russian fiancée leaves him at the altar and steals his prized Star Trek collection, a freak electrical accident convinces a devastated science teacher that he is Mr. Spock—forcing his hard-charging brother to take him on a comic road trip to Vulcan, Canada, before he disappears into the fantasy for good.
Title: How I Died
Genre: Sci-fi Thriller
Logline: When a widow’s AI husband investigates the mysterious disappearance of the man he replaced—he begins to suspect his new wife may have something to do with the original’s death.
Writer: James
Title: For Witcher or Poorer
Genre: Comedy
Logline: A man set to marry the woman of his dreams must first reconcile with his discovery that her mother is secretly a bonafide wicked witch.
Writer: Robert Remy
Title: Two Steps Away
Genre: Thriller
Logline: After leaving her lover for dead in a hotel room to save her marriage, a suburban wife is horrified when he moves in next door with his secret wife and children, forcing them into a deadly standoff where neither can destroy the other without destroying themselves.
Title: Stormline
Genre: Disaster Thriller
Logline: When an avalanche cripples the last cable-car line evacuating a mountain resort before a record blizzard, a former ropeway mechanic must cross the roofs of its swaying cabins to stabilize a collapsing support tower before the storm tears the entire line down.
Writer: D. Lawrence
Title: Superbuds
Genre: Action Comedy
Logline: An uptight superhero is horrified when he’s forced to team up with his biggest fan—an accident-prone stoner who wins a “Sidekick for a Day” contest. When a supervillain attacks the city, the hero must defeat his deadliest enemy while keeping his new sidekick from ruining the mission—and whatever is left of his sanity.
Writer: NoahB
Title: Already Dead
Genre: Action/Supernatural
Logline: The world’s greatest assassin is contracted to eliminate an Eastern European crime lord — but when his mark is revealed to be Dracula, he must master the ancient rules of killing the undead to finish the job.
Writer: Ben Stoker
Title: Blue Origin
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When a publicity stunt goes wrong, sending an all-female celebrity spaceflight catastrophically off course, its crew of pop stars and influencers must overcome their egos and lack of training to become the astronauts they were pretending to be to make it back home alive.
Writer: AEL
Title: A Claus For Concern
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When their young kids stop believing in Santa, two Christmas‑obsessed parents launch a chaotic, last‑minute expedition to the North Pole to prove he’s real.
Writer: drifting in space
Title: It Sleeps
Genre: Horror
Logline: When a divorced father witnesses from his window what appears to be a cursed doll murdering the neighbor’s kid across the street, nobody believes him. The real nightmare begins when the neighbors flee and his own son brings the abandoned doll home. Now, the father must wage a quiet, psychological war against this entity before his son suffers the same fate.
Writer: Ori Galili
Title: The Wrong Hood
Genre: Fantasy Action-Comedy
Logline: A bullied student-outcast passionate about all things medieval is pulled through a magic portal into Sherwood for the adventure of his dreams, only to accidentally get Robin Hood killed – and forcing him to replace the legend as the leader of outcasts in a story he knows by heart but is wildly unqualified to lead…
Writer: Rewrittenver3
Title: Penniless
Genres: Romantic Comedy
Logline: Seeking true love, a multimillionaire disguises himself as broke—only to fall head over heels for a girl who hates the rich with a passion.
Writer: James
Voting ends on Wednesday, at 11:59pm Pacific. That’s correct. There are TWO DAYS of voting.
Note: To make sure you see all 12 entries to vote on in the comments, filter Disqus comments by “Oldest.” Filtering them by “Best” should also work.
Okay, today’s going to be an informal day off. But because I’ve seen so many comments asking, “what the hell does Carson’s response mean?”, I’ve decided to decode some of my more common replies for you.
Keep in mind that I’m very rushed when I analyze each logline so if I don’t like something, I’m typically spending less than 10 seconds coming up with a reason why. For that reason, I’m going to screw up sometimes. There are often times when I write a response and think, “I probably could’ve said that better.” But I have to keep moving cause there are so many loglines.
If you really want to know why I didn’t like something. Or you think us working on it together could bring out a movie you truly believe in (which actually just happened this evening with one reader), get a logline consult. 25 bucks for 1 e-mail and 1 reply. 50 bucks for unlimited back-and-forth where we get the logline in the best shape possible.
carsonsreeves1@gmail.com – e-mail me!
Okay, now for the replies.
“Mythology heavy, I want concepts” – What this means is that you’re creating entire worlds and rules instead of actual story ideas. A dinosaur theme park gone bad is a story idea. A trip to the mythical land of Booshalius, where vampires feast on possum-walkers, and a young fairy must learn the value of the “cocopasada” in order to evolve to the next phase of existence — that’s all mythology. There’s no clever story idea in there.
“Need to learn how to simplify loglines” – Once you go over 35 words, you’re probably in logline danger. The whole point of loglining a movie concept is to help yourself get to the core of the idea. That helps you write it. And it helps everyone else understand it. There are so many loglines being pitched where the writer just babbles on. Or they try to fit in every single little detail. Ironically, the more you try and tell everyone what your movie is, the less clear the movie idea gets. Instead, create the simplest version possible so that we get it immediately.
“Not big enough” – It means that there’s something in the main character and the story he’s in that feels small. “Years after a female serial killer spared his life and then turned herself in, a reclusive ex-journalist must confront the enigmatic woman’s cultish fans drawn to his hometown by a copycat murder… and the killer’s request for one final interview.” You may think just adding a serial killer here is enough to make it big and high concept. It isn’t. Or that there’s a copycat murder. It isn’t. Because there are a million serial killer ideas. And the ending: get an interview. Who cares? An interview is only big if it’s the most important interview in the world, like getting the president’s interview at the end of Civil War. This is a high concept contest. The ideas have to feel BIG.
“Not buying into the setup” – “When the deciding task in the Guardian Angel Selection Course is to help a human charge to experience the full gamut of emotions…” Every idea requires buy-in from the reader. If you present them with a setup that seems overly manufactured or forced or too complex, the reader simply isn’t going to buy in. So I don’t even need to read beyond the beginning of this logline. I’m already out because I don’t buy into the setup. Guardian Angel Selection Course? I don’t believe that that exists no matter how hard you try and convince me it does.
“A lot of build up for not a lot of payoff” – This is when loglines go on for way too long and set up way too many things and then instead of giving us a big climax to excite us, end with a whimper or end with something vague. “Joe must learn x and y and then he goes to a, before conquering b, and before he climbs up the ladder at company c, he must complete a set of challenges from s, t, u, and v. And then when an earthquake hits and w, x, y, and z happen… he must learn what’s truly in his heart.”
“Not clever enough” – This gets to the heart of what I’m really looking for in these concepts. I’m looking for ideas that are clever. Where the first half of the logline connects to the second half in that special way that makes you go, “Oooh, cool.” We see it in the only ‘yes’ from this week: “When treasure hunters search the Bermuda Triangle for a legendary pirate ship that disappeared, they’re swept back in time and hunted by the very ship they came to find.” Perfect. Now, notice what happens when you change the second half: “When treasure hunters search the Bermuda Triangle for a legendary pirate ship that disappeared, they must deal with the National Coast Guard, an angry clan of Bermuda nationals, and the captain’s ex-wife.” You see how easy it is to un-cleverize an idea?
“Seen too many variations of this” – This is a nice way of me telling you, you’re not being original enough. Too many writers assume they’re competing against 27 other people in Hollywood. You’re literally competing against hundreds of thousands. Millions if you consider everyone all over the world. There has to be something in your logline that is truly special to stand out against all those other pitches Hollywood is getting. Whether it’s a subject matter we’ve never seen before. Or a new twist on a genre we’ve never seen before. Or some clever take on an idea we’ve never seen before. If you’re just putting serial killers and vampires in your logline and creating one slightly new angle, such as being in a coma, that’s not enough.
“Feels lazy” – I can tell when a writer has spent a long time with an idea. You can see it in the pride behind the logline. That they believe in this idea because they’ve thought about it a lot. And because of that, they’ve made the wording as perfect as they can make it. And it just has this glossy sheen on it that communicates: “I tried a bunch of different ways to express this idea and this is the best one I came up with.” Meanwhile, when you slap an idea together that you’ve thought about for 30 minutes and you barely think about how to write it up, I’m going to call you out on it. It’s lazy. You’re being lazy. Which is the second worst thing you can be as a writer. Anybody know the first?
“Too simple”/“Too simplistic” – What this means is that the idea’s missing that thing that turns it into a bigger story or a more high stakes situation or makes you contemplate something you haven’t contemplated before. Instead of that, it’s just a regular normal obvious idea: “After suffering a nervous breakdown and losing her job, Celia returns home during her high-school reunion only to discover a childhood friend is missing and her three ex boyfriends still hold a grudge.”
“Too much going on here” – Writer adds too many variables to his pitch, to the point where they start stepping on each other or obscuring what the movie is. “After a billionaire obsessed with Ancient Egypt dies, his wife and his two lovers wake up buried in his mausoleum and must work together to escape the sadistic AI hologram of the deceased and its deadly games determining who is worthy of becoming its queen of the afterlife.”
“You hint at the concept but stop before telling us what it is”/“Ending too vague!” – This is one of my biggest pet peeves. The writer hides the actual movie. Instead, they use their ending to hint at it. “After a husband gaslights his wife into believing he’s not having an affair with her best friend, she books a weekend cabin retreat with the friend, unaware that the husband’s machinations have awakened something primal and unhinged in the jilted lover.” The “primal” and “Unhinged” part are the movie. Tell us what has been awakened. I understand what these writers think they’re doing. They think they’re creating mystery that will result in readers requesting the script. But it actually achieves the opposite. Because you don’t tell us what the antagonist is, we’re not interested! Because without that, we can’t envision the poster, the trailer, the freaking movie itself! Nobody wrote the logline for Jurassic Park and didn’t include dinosaurs.
“Execution dependent” – This means that you’ve chosen the kind of idea that is going to require an extremely high writing skill level to pull off. “Seeking a fresh start, a traumatized Indigenous woman enters a mysterious escape room, only to discover it’s a living labyrinth that builds itself from each victim’s deepest trauma. To escape alive, she must survive a series of deadly puzzles that weaponize the abuse, fear and cultural disconnection she’s spent years trying to bury before the maze consumes her identity forever.” The second you make this a metaphor and it’s about trauma and cultural disconnection and abuse… integrating it through simile and hiding it inside of scenes through subtext and carefully constructed character relationships, that’s the highest difficulty of writing there is. I wouldn’t trust any writer with that. Meanwhile, three loglines previous to that pitch, I’m getting a group of characters in the Amazon who are stuck in a giant web with a giant spider chasing them. I’m way more confident that a writer can pull that idea off.
