Genre: Contained Thriller
Premise: When a young woman wakes up in the fortified cellar of a man’s farm house, she must figure out if the mysterious reason why he says she’s there is true or not.
About: This was just a regular spec script until JJ Abrams’ company, Bad Robot, decided to adapt it into the next chapter of the Cloverfield franchise. How “Cloverfield-y” it will be is up for debate. And since this is the original 2012 draft, before the changes were made, we won’t know for sure until the movie arrives. However, based on the recent trailer, I can confirm that a ton of it is similar. It will just somehow tie into that giant monster who destroyed New York City. Newcomers Josh Campbell and Matt Stuecken wrote the script. It’s been said that Whiplash writer-director Damian Chezelle helped with the rewrite. I wonder if that means there will be a dance number?
Writers: Josh Campbell & Matt Stuecken
Details: 95 pages (April 11, 2012 draft)
For those of you bemoaning the fact that your movie choices this weekend were limited to either Ride Along 2 or Michael Bay’s attempt at being serious, rejoice in the fact that big Hollywood movies are coming sooner than you think. Deadpool comes out in the traditionally dead month of February. Batman vs. Superman is here in March. And just last week we learned we were getting a new Cloverfield movie, also debuting in March.
While JJ has shied away from the mystery box as of late, due to the internet repackaging his box into some kind of movie-killer, he did dig back into his bag of tricks with the release of this trailer, surprising everyone last week with the news they’d getting another Cloverfield. So how good is the script that inspired this semi-sequel? No mystery box on that one. It’s very good.
18 year-old Michelle Burke has just woken up in a small room in her underwear with no idea how she got there. No sooner is she putting the pieces together than a 40-something man, Howard Stammler (what a great character name!) walks in with food. She attacks him, but he’s too big for her. And what he tells her next is so shocking, it turns her world upside-down.
He’s not here to hurt Michelle. He’s here to help her. According to Howard, some huge attack just went down. All of the cities have been blown to bits, and there’s some sort of radioactive chemical in the air that’s killing everyone. As this was all going down, Howard spotted Michelle unconscious in her crashed vehicle on the side of the road. He couldn’t let her die there, so he took her with him.
Howard, it turns out, is one of these preppers, weirdoes who have a full service survival cellar in case the end of the world happens. And because of his weirdo-ness, he’s saved both himself and Michelle. That is, of course, if he’s telling the truth, which Michelle is pretty sure he isn’t.
But she’s stuck in a tough spot. On the 1% chance that he’s telling the truth, if she tries to escape, her skin might dissolve and her eyeballs turn to jelly. And everything Howard tells her has just enough of a ring of truth to it to make her think twice.
Complications arise when a third person crashes the party, Nate. Whereas Howard is old and chubby, Nate is young and, well, sizzling. So when he starts selling Michelle the same story, she’s more inclined to believe him. Making things even weirder, Howard and Nate know each other. But something happened between them that’s soured the relationship.
Is this really happening? Or could Michelle be the victim of some weird fucking game? Every time she thinks she’s figured it out, something new pops up to cast doubt again. This is what helps keep The Cellar a mystery until the very last page.
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to be the best bodybuilder in the world. And if you hear him talk about that time of his life, he keeps going back to one principle over and over again: You have to shock the muscles.
He says, “When I go to the gym and I’m about to work out, my muscles already know what I’m going to do. They’re already saying to me, ‘I know you’re going to go do 3 sets of 250 pound bench presses. Then you’re going to move over to the dumbbell rack and do 3 sets of 70 pound curls. Then you’re going to come back to the bench and do 4 sets of 200 pound incline presses.”
And Arnold’s whole philosophy was, “You think I’m going to do this? You’re wrong. I’m going to shock you. Today, I’m going to start out with THREE HUNDRED and fifty pound bench presses. Then instead of doing my usual bicep curls, I’m going to do pull-ups…” By shocking the muscles, Arnold argues, they have no option but to grow.
Readers are a lot like muscles. They know your routine already. And they’re used to it. So all the tricks you’ve learned along the way? They’ve seen them. And the only way to make a reader sit up and pay attention (grow), is to shock them. And by that I don’t mean some giant shocking plot twist. And I don’t mean a jump scare. I mean show them something unexpected. And preferably, do it right away, so that the reader immediately knows that this is a writer who’s going to go about the routine differently.
I’ve read so many of these contained cellar/bunker/basement scripts by now, I can’t keep track of them anymore. So I know what’s coming almost all the time. There are only so many ways you can spin this situation. Or at least I thought. The Cellar has me rethinking that belief.
Right away, we have this girl in a room. And she wakes up. And there’s a 40 year-old man. And he’s creepy-looking. And I’m thinking to myself, “Okay, here we go. Been down this road before.” But immediately, the man says something I wasn’t prepared for. As the woman attacks him, he doesn’t fight back. He holds up his hands in defense and tells her, “I’m here to help you.”
Those words completely threw me off. Help her??? Huh? How can a man holding a woman prisoner be helping her? And it was that moment I knew this script would be different.
I’ll give you another example. Later in the script, the third guy shows up, Nate. Again, I’ve been down this road before. It’s really one of the only things you can do in these contained movies – is add that mysterious 3rd character who shows up around the midpoint. It adds a new dimension to the story and keeps it from getting stale.
But almost all the time, the character is weak. He’s not there as a real person, but rather as a desperate plot device to keep things interesting. Writers will ride the mystery of this character as long as they can until they have to explain him. And when they do explain him, it’s always boring and obvious.
When Nate comes in though, Howard looks at him and seems upset. There was a history between these men. Something had happened between them. And that totally threw me again. In the past, these characters have always been complete unknowns. The fact that these two knew each other opened up this whole new avenue to explore in a contained thriller. How did they know each other? Why didn’t Howard like him? How is this going to affect Michelle?
Another thing these writers do well is that they use backstory to ADD to the story as opposed to just provide context.
One of the huge mistakes beginner screenwriters make is they include backstory (characters talking about their past, or worse, flashbacks) to provide context for their characters. A character will go on a rant about how when he was in high school, he was an outcast, and it’s like, “Who cares??” Backstory works best when it CHANGES THE DYNAMICS OF THE CURRENT STORY.
So here, for example, when Nate comes in, he tells Michelle in confidence that Howard’s wife was murdered. The police never solved who did it, but there was a lot of speculation that it was Howard. So you see that we have this backstory on Howard now (his wife was murdered) that changes the dynamic of the present. We’re now more suspicious of Howard. If he killed his wife, who’s to say he won’t kill them? That’s what good backstory revelations do.
The same thing happens again with Howard’s daughter. Before Nate shows up, Howard tells Michelle a story about his daughter. But later, when Nate comes, he tells her Howard doesn’t have a daughter. And so, again, backstory is being used to affect present story.
I’m not surprised at all that this caught Bad Robot’s attention. These writers took a potentially cliché setup and turned it into something really fresh and fun.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: One of the ways to find a new way into an old story is to shift the default character dynamic. So if you look at the “Man keeps woman prisoner” scenario, ask yourself how you could change that. Maybe the man is actually helping the woman. This creates a whole new movie. The Die Hard setup. Man must shut down a group of terrorists who have taken over a building/boat/airport. What if you found a way to make the terrorist the one who had to save the day? Change the dynamic and you have an entirely new story.
So here’s the thing. I didn’t love Aaron Sorkin’s “Steve Jobs” when I first read it. But when I saw the movie, a lot of the stuff I didn’t think would work DID work, and it turned out to be one of my favorite movies of the year. The fact that it was kept out of the Oscars, then, in favor of CAROL(????) is god-damned ludicrous. Carol was one of the most average movies I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t bad. But it definitely wasn’t good. And as a screenplay, there was nothing there. There’s one moment in the entire movie that’s unexpected. And the rest is basic and bland and safe. I still don’t know who votes for these things (do only Academy screenwriters or is it all Academy members?) but they’re clearly delusional if they’re bringing this script in over Jobs. I mean at least Sorkin took some chances as a writer. Carol is completely dependent on Rooney Mara’s eyes and Cate Blanchett’s acting. And the last time I checked, neither of those things is written! Let that marinate while you’re reading some amateur brilliance this fine weekend!
Remember, you can submit your own script to challenge your peers with by sending me an e-mail (carsonreeves3@gmail.com) with your TITLE, GENRE, LOGLINE, WHY YOU THINK IT DESERVES A SHOT, and a PDF of the screenplay. A good review tends to get writers some industry contacts. So who knows, maybe you’ll be the next “The Last Alchemist.” Keep’em coming!
Title: The Space Hotel
Genre: Action/Sci-Fi
Logline: The year 2037. When the world’s first space hotel is hijacked by religious fundamentalists, it falls to an atheist scientist and a devout ex-soldier to lead the fight back.
Why You Should Read: The Space Hotel is a high concept idea in a marketable genre, featuring a number of Scriptshadow favourites — unique location; strong female lead; proactive protagonist with a relatable flaw; high stakes; condensed time frame; unifying theme — all tied up in a manageable 102 pages. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Title: Onna-Bugeisha
Genre: Action/Adventure (48 pgs – no dialog)
Logline: After witnessing the slaughter of her village by a rival clan, a woman warrior treks across Japan in search of revenge.
Why You Should Read: This script came out of my love for sword fighting. In every samurai film ever made, it’s always by far the highlight of the story, which is why I set out to make the plot of Onna-Bugeisha so simple. The characters have no spoken dialog. I thought it would be a great experiment to write a film in which the battles, the duels and the score were the dialog. — Uma Thurman aside, rarely do we see a woman take center stage in a samurai action film. The main protagonist in this story is not only a woman, but a mother of two. Women of the households, defending their families at sword point, is ingrained in the samurai culture, but to the best of my knowledge, I haven’t seen that story play out on film. — Please note: Although the page count is low for a feature film, I’ve timed it at around 1 hr 50 min.
Title: The Murder of Mae Crow
Genre: A historical courtroom drama, set in turn of the century Georgia.
Logline: In 1912, two black teenagers stand trial and face execution for the rape and murder of a white girl in the Jim Crow South.
Why You Should Read: I’m just a guy that at the age of 42 decided to try and become a screenwriter because I don’t have enough ridicule and failure in life. I’ve researched this case for over three years pouring over microfilm for countless hours. — This is a true story and the case that caused the largest African-American banishment in U.S. history. This helped bring about the re-birth of the KKK. The judge and lawyers were all the key ringleaders of the lynching of Leo Frank, and the original members of the new KKK started in 1915. Hollywood has largely been silent on the epidemic of black lynchings that took place from 1864-1935. An estimated 4,000 to 7,000 African-Americans were lynched during this time yet no movie accurately depicts this time, their struggle, or the injustice of a Jim Crow justice system. This is the most important script you will read this year, and a story you will not easily forget.
Title: The Transfer
Genre: Horror
Logline: A violinist’s arrival at an exclusive boarding school coincides with a series of sinister events.
Why You Should Read: I’m a screenwriter who appreciates a good scare. I think you should read the Transfer because it’s a fun horror thriller that I would describe as What Lies Beneath meets Heathers. I was inspired by psychopathic gangs of teenagers that often manifest at elite private schools. — I never attended boarding school but went to camp one summer at St. Andrews where Dead Poets Society was filmed. They always seemed like fun places to me but at the same time there’s that Lord of the Flies-style youth gone amuck threat lingering. — The story revolves around a talented violinist who transfers to a prestigious boarding school and unwittingly crosses a dangerous clique. What results is a harrowing semester of hazing that unravels a shocking secret that leads to the death of several high-profile students at the hands of that what can only be described as something supernatural. — I also drew tone/aesthetic inspiration from films like Repulsion, Black Swan, and It Follows.
Title: Entitled
Genre: Thriller
Logline: Three people wake up in a room with no doors or windows. They notice a casket at the far side of the room with three locks and a timer counting down. They must figure out why they are there and what happens when the timer reaches zero.
Why should you read it? It’s like Cube having a head on collision with Saw and Phone Booth. It reads fast and has a supernatural element to it. There are a handful of characters, each having their own voice and back story. It has rapid fire dialogue that comes of natural and you can cut the tension with a knife. This script will keep you interested until the last page.
Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Period Fantasy/Adventure
Premise (from writer): After years of work, noted alchemist Isaac Newton has finally discovered a working formula for the legendary Philosopher’s Stone. But when it’s stolen by a secret society with nefarious intent, he’ll have to team with his arch-rival Robert Hooke to take it back and prevent a plot that would change the course of England’s history.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I’ve been lurking here for some time, reading your articles and the Amateur Friday submissions, and I figure it’s finally time to get in on this thing. My script puts many of your favorite elements front and center: a creative twist on a public domain figure, a clear goal, and high stakes that are tied directly to the main character’s hopes, dreams, and flaws. — Isaac Newton spent at least as much time on alchemy as he did on the work we remember him for, and this script lays out a “What If” scenario: what if Isaac Newton succeeded in his obsessive quest for the Philosopher’s Stone? I did my research and, using Newton’s actual beliefs and the urban legends of some of the smartest men who have ever lived, I’ve attempted to craft a big, fun romp of a movie. I want to know if I’ve succeeded.
Writer: Jake Disch
Details: 118 pages
One of the biggest mistakes I run into when I read these public domain-driven screenplays, is the writer resting too heavily on the shock factor of a well-known literary celebrity doing something unexpected. So, for example, someone will write a script where Huckleberry Finn is a werewolf. Or Cinderella is a robot in space. And they believe that just because they did that cool unexpected thing, that their job is done. Like, “We’re geniuses, we can go home now.”
In that sense, a public domain script is no different from a flashy concept. The flash of the concept always wears out quickly (usually within 15 pages). Once that shock honeymoon period is over, are you able to actually tell a story? And by that I mean something with a compelling goal, something with multiple strong characters, something that keeps you guessing, something with mystery and suspense and intrigue.
Today’s script is the first time I’ve seen someone write a fully fleshed-out public domain script as opposed to just shocking us with Pinocchio as a zombie and then phoning it in for the final 90 pages.
As the logline informed us, The Last Alchemist follows 28 year-old college professor Isaac Newton, who, in this story, is an obsessive alchemist. He purposefully bores his students to death so they won’t show up for class, so he can spend more time on his alchemy.
And that extra time pays off. Using the power of elemental mish-mash (that’s what I call it, at least), Newton’s created the elusive Philosopher’s Stone, which is said to have many different powers, one of which includes bringing the dead back to life.
No sooner does he create this stone, than a naughty thug of a gentleman steals it from him. And if that’s not bad enough, he takes Isaac’s best friend, John Wickins, too! This forces Newton to do what he hates most, interact with the world, and he teams up with Wickins’ girlfriend, Martha Clarke, to go and find his friend and creation.
Also tagging along is fellow professor and Newton’s nemesis, Robert Hooke. The three head off to some noted alchemists to see what the alchemy underground is rumor-mongering about. This leads them to something called the Royal Society, where we finally meet our villain, Dee.
Dee loves him some philosopher’s stone because it will allow him to animate an army of automatons. And when you have an army of automatons at your fingertips, you can do anything you want. Even win Powerball (You just get all the automatons to buy ten tickets each). But when Dee loses the stone, he’ll have to get chummy with Newton to make another one. And while Newton may be an introverted dorkimus, he can be a handful when you get up in his stones.
I always encourage you guys to take chances. And Jake takes a big one. Early on, we learn that Newton and his friend Wickins are lovers. Placing a gay character at the center of your summer-tent-pole screenplay is a huge gamble. And that gamble really paid off.
Just as I was saying that public domain mash-ups can’t be shock-value only, the risky story choices you make can’t solely be for shock value either. It smells of desperation and never resonates. (spoiler) Wickins and Newton’s relationship isn’t just there to shock you. Their relationship plays into one of the bigger twists in the movie. And that’s what I really liked about Jake. He didn’t just make tough choices, he expanded on them.
Another thing I loved was the unique make-up of our team. Usually in movies, your team consists of the selfish guy, the strong-willed woman, and you writing a bunch of squabbling between them with major sexual tension underneath. When I see that, I know I’m either dealing with a newbie writer or a boring writer.
The Last Alchemist has a totally different make-up for its team. The man our heroes are trying to save, John Wickens, is someone they’re both in love with. That one change created a different vibe than I’m used to when reading these types of scripts. But then Jake took it a step further, pulling Newton’s dickhead nemesis in to provide an EXTRA layer of conflict. I’m always amazed when a writer can discover new avenues inside old formulas, and Jake clearly does that.
He’s also good at making all of his characters unique. I was just explaining to a newbie writer recently that his two main characters acted and sounded exactly the same. They were both white males, both businessmen, both confident, both ladies’ men. So I couldn’t tell them apart when they spoke.
There are a lot of ways to avoid that, but one of the easiest ways is to make them speak differently. Give them different speech patterns, different vocabulary, different subjects they key in on, different philosophies. What’s great about this script is when Newton speaks, you know it’s Newton. You don’t need his character name to tell you. He’s always stopping in the middle of his sentences. He adds an annoying “erm” a lot, whenever he’s stuck. He takes a little longer to get to his point. He FEELS DIFFERENT. And if you want to be taken seriously as a screenwriter, that’s something you want to pay attention to and get good at. Cause it makes a big difference.
My one issue with the script is that it starts to feel like it’s on rails, meaning we get into a pattern and become too comfortable as observers. Go to Person A, he tells us to go to Person B. Go to Person B, he tells us to go to Person C. And so on and so forth. Sometimes you have to throw a curve ball at your plot. Instead of letting your characters easily go from one section to the next, have them get to a section and it’s not there. Or something stops them from getting there in the first place. The classic example of this is in the original Star Wars when Luke, Han, and Obi-Wan try to get to Alderran, and when they get there, it’s blown to bits.
But it goes to show how strong the character work was here. Cause usually that mistake will doom a script for me. But since I liked these characters so much, I was more forgiving of the predictable plot. This is a great way to start the year. Nice job, Jake!
Screenplay link: The Last Alchemist
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Not all verbs create the same image in a reader’s head. If your character stabs someone, and you follow that with, “Blood blooms from the wound,” you need to know that that looks and feels different in the reader’s head than, “Blood gushes from the wound.” Put some thought into which verb best describes the image you want in your reader’s head and go with that verb.
Here are ten screenwriting tips to get you going for 2016!!!
1) Beware of Auto-Piloting – “Auto-piloting” is no different from when you’re going through your morning routine. You’re not thinking because you don’t have to. In screenwriting, auto-piloting leads to cliché choices and lines from other films. The most famous version of this is: “Am I clear!?” “Crystal.” Never auto-pilot. Always think about and challenge your choices.
2) Dead Dialogue – Dead Dialogue is dialogue that doesn’t push the story forward, doesn’t reveal anything about the character, and doesn’t entertain. If your dialogue isn’t doing any of these things, it’s dead. A character talking about a best friend he used to have that has nothing to do with the story? Dead dialogue. Live dialogue is dialogue that does all three of these things.
3) Storytelling is a series of drawing things out – Tell us about something, then wait to reveal it. Hannibal Lecter is boring if you say, “Hannibal Lecter is dangerous” and one second later we meet Hannibal Lecter. He’s way more fascinating if we mention him, then draw out his entrance. Same thing with plot threads. Draw. Them. Out.
4) If it’s easy, it’s boring – If anything is easy for your characters, we’re probably bored watching them.
5) Never write a script that needs directing to complete the vision – If you have to explain that the script is going to be “so much better” because of the cinematography and the music, it means you’re not telling a good story. Tell a good story on the page. Don’t depend on future directing to fix problems. Writers of esoteric indie movies – PLEASE HEED THIS ADVICE.
6) Don’t outpunt your sentence coverage – Don’t walk yourself into sentences you can’t get out of easily. We readers know when you’ve found yourself in a sentence maze and it’s never pretty watching you try to get out. Just rewrite the simplest version of the sentence. If you want to add a bell or a whistle afterwards, that’s fine. But remember that it’s way more important to be clear than to nail a triple-axel super-sentence that doesn’t really make sense in the first place.
7) A character should dictate the story, the story should not dictate the character – There are exceptions to this, but for the most part, the main character should be charging through, creating the story we’re watching. If he’s letting the story happen to him and trying to get out of the way of it, he’s probably not a very interesting character.
8) The more your character talks about something, the less clear it becomes – Some writers think that they can explain something complicated by having their character talk about it for two pages. In most of these scenarios, I find myself more confused than before the character opened his mouth. In general, the less a character speaks about something, the clearer he is. Keep it simple and to the point unless there are story or character reasons to be complex.
9) If your characters are ever talking for the sake of the audience rather than to the other character in the scene, rewrite the scene until the characters are only talking to each other – I understand that exposition is hard. But your job, even when you’re disseminating information, is to make it feel like two people are really talking to each other in real life. Don’t give up on a scene until you get to that point.
10) A story only begins once there’s a problem – The bigger the problem, the bigger the story.
Feel free to add your 2016 screenwriting tips in the comments!
A mysterious writer makes the Black List without any managers or agents!
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: A New York publicist’s life starts to unravel when he’s suspected of killing his co-worker.
About: It took my scrolling through three dozen loglines, but I FINALLY found a script on the Black List that didn’t start with the words, “Based on a true story…” or “The real life story of…” But here’s what really caught my eye about today’s script. All the other scripts on the Black List have two managers listed, two agents, a couple of producers, a production company, and sometimes a studio. This script? It just had a small production company listed. No representation. That’s an indication that a script REALLY DID build its reputation on quality alone (and not, ahem, campaigning). I’m smelling a good one here, guys.
Writer: Topher Rhys-Lawrence
Details: 100 pages
Was talking to a writer yesterday who’d read a terrible screenplay that had sold and he was pissed off that all these “bad” writers were breaking in while he was still a “nobody.” “If these guys are getting in with these shitty scripts, why am I still stuck on the bottom?”
Look, guys, you can’t control what scripts sell. There are a hundred different reasons sales happen, a lot of them a mystery to us. But even if that weren’t the case, comparing your progress to someone else’s is always a no-win scenario. Think of screenwriting like golf. Your only opponent is yourself.
And the way golfers get better is through discipline. Going out and hitting thousands of balls. That’s what you have to do. Sit down and write thousands of sentences. Discipline is your way into the industry.
I have no doubt it’s discipline that got Topher onto the Black List. This script shows the kind of craftsmanship you only get through a lot of practice. Let’s take a look.
Reade McCarthy is 32 years old and so close to his goal. He’s the second best publicist at his firm and the founder is retiring in a year, setting him up to take her place. The only one in his way is Valerie, a volumptuous strategist who wants to be the big cahuna just as badly as Reade does.
Meanwhile, Reade is doing his best American Psycho impression, tending to his body and look with the kind of attention even an OCD disorder would find disturbing. Maybe if he took a little of that attention and spent it on his stunning fiancé, Tasha, she wouldn’t be having doubts abour their relationship.
Doubts which are well-founded, since Reade is secretly fucking Nicolette, a bombshell blonde who’s batshit bonkers. Nicolette is Reade’s dirty little secret, the one thing he can’t control and therefore his one source of excitement.
But that area of Reade’s life is about to get a lot more complicated. After eviscerating his nemesis, Valerie, at a party, he finds out the next day that she was murdered. And, of course, since everyone saw Reade screaming at her, he’s the prime suspect.
If that weren’t bad enough, Reade starts seeing a man around New York who looks exactly like him, albeit disheveled and homeless. As he does his best to manage these issues, the firm hires Valerie’s replacement, Sebastian Ryan, basically the same person as Reade, but better at everything. Reade’s biggest nightmare.
Like a strange combination of American Psycho, Fight Club, and Mr. Robot, USP watches New York’s preeminent control-freak struggle helplessly as he loses control over everything.
Character pieces are the scripts most likely to fall apart due to the fact that they don’t have traditional goals to guide the story. Colin Trevorrow’s script “Stealing Time,” may not have been very good. But it had a clear goal – find the pieces of the device before the bad guys did.
With USP, there isn’t a goal. So you have to find other ways to push the reader through the story. One of those ways is to “lead.” Again, leading is implying something important is going to happen later in the story, which in turn entices the reader to stick around until that moment happens. You’re basically dangling a carrot.
For example, after Valerie dies, this Sebastian guy comes in. And after a couple of dick-measuring scenes, Reade says he wants to invite Sebastian out, get to know him better. With Sebastian now Reade’s main competition, this is a meet-up we’re curious to see. So from now until that scene, we’ll stick around.
In addition to this, good character pieces need things to be in disarray. Shit must be falling apart so that the reader will want to stick around to see if it gets fixed or not. Take Reade’s girlfriend, for example, Tasha. She’s starting to pull away from him as he becomes more and more unraveled. That’s an area of “disarray” we’re curious about. We’ll stick around to see if Reade can fix that problem.
But I’ll tell you the moment in USP when I knew I was dealing with a legitimate screenwriter. It’s a scene that comes up in the middle of the story. Reade’s life is crumbling. And he’s out with Tasha when he runs into Nicollete, the crazy unpredictable woman he’s having an affair with. Tasha watches from afar as Nicollete approaches Reade. It’s clear from Tasha’s point of view that there’s something going on between these two.
Not wanting to make a scene, she waits for their conversation to end, approaches Reade, and asks to leave, so she can question him about this without creating a spectacle. Nicollete, still nearby, overhears this and turns around, getting her long overdue opportunity to interact with the woman Reade chose over her.
Now, I’m going to ask you to visualize the scene the way you would write it. How would this “confrontation” go down in your book? I encourage you to go as far as writing out the dialogue. Once you’re done, come back here and read the below. This is what happens next…
NICOLETTE: I’m so sorry! I must have given you the wrong impression but we’re just old friends. We haven’t seen each other in years and wanted to catch up. He was talking me through a guy problem. Hope you don’t mind.
TASHA: Reade, it’s getting late.
NICOLETTE: Problem Guy and I didn’t end well. I carried his baby for four months, and, well, you probably don’t know the toll it takes on a gal when you’re asked to get rid of it. And then he got rid of me as soon as he realized that I didn’t fit into the press release of his life he’d been writing for himself.
A rigid beat between the three.
NICOLETTE (CONT’D): It was a girl. Problem Guy asked me never to tell him. But I guess I’m just not that big of a person.
For those who’ve been trying to crack this craft for awhile, they know exactly why this scene is good. Beginners, on the other hand, might wonder what the big deal is. Here’s the big deal. 90% of writers would’ve written an on-the-nose confrontation between these two women. One of them would’ve accused the other of doing something bad. The other girl yells back. Maybe things get physical.
The genius of this moment is that Nicollete tells Tasha her and Reade’s entire story under the pretense of it being someone else. It’s indirect. And it’s not only a subtle way to approach the confrontation, but as a character choice, it’s much more devious and clever. Even if Tasha were to say something, Nicollete could shrug her shoulders and reply, “I don’t know what you mean. This is something that happened with my old boyfriend.” Way more interesting than, “I know you’re fucking my fiancé.”
I say this as someone who has read SO MUCH ON-THE-NOSE dialogue over the past month in the contest. I rarely encounter a scene as clever as this one. If you’re going to become a good screenwriter, this is a skill you need to learn. Figuring out creative ways to explore conversations that we’ve seen a million times before is a pay-worthy skill. You’re not going to be able to do it all the time. But if you can do it during a few key scenes, you’ll be well on your way to cracking the screenplay code.
Untitled Sociopath Project is the kind of script that the Black List used to celebrate before Sgt. Biopic and Colonel True Story’s army stormed Screenplay Island. It’s voicy, it’s unique, it’s got an offbeat main character. And most importantly, it’s well-executed. This is a trippy surprise you’re going to want to read if you get a chance.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Some of you may remember how I hated The Libertine. And you might be asking, “Wait a minute, Carson. How is it you gave today’s asshole main character a pass when you eviscerated The Libertine’s asshole main character??” I’ll tell you exactly why. If you’re going to write an asshole character, he has to suffer for his asshole-ness. That’s this entire script. Reade’s life is falling apart because of what a terrible person he is. My issue with The Libertine is that that guy was a dickhead the entire movie and didn’t have to pay a dime for it. And worst of all, his big problem (raping someone) was solved at the end without him having to do anything! So if you’re going to write a terrible person, make sure they pay the price for being a terrible person.
